By Kim
So this season, they are bringing in twenty-nine contestants and then narrowing it down to sixteen. And Emeril is a judge! They divide the potential cheftestants into three groups (which makes me think there were supposed to be thirty to start out), and have them compete in a challenge. The tops in each group will actually get to be on the show. When did this show turn into Top Model? Anyway, each group will present their dishes and then the judges will vote on whether or not they get be on the show. But if the judges are undecided, the cheftestants can be put "on the bubble" and they will have to cook again to try to get on the show in sort of a losers' bracket.
The first group has to prepare a feast using a whole pig for Tom, Padma, and Emeril. They get to choose what part they want to work with (sort of) and this one nerd, who couldn't shut up about how he had cooked for celebrities, grabs a giant hunk of pig and claims he can butcher it and get the pieces he needs as well as some other poor lady's tenderloin. He makes a wreck of it and ends up screwing up her loin as well, and Tom just sends him home before he even starts cooking! It was awesome. Another guy gets sent home because he made a mess of his plates and the judges didn't even taste his food. They send five people through and put Molly and Grayson (poor tenderloin lady) on the bubble.
The second group will be judged by Tom, Padma, and Gail. Their challenge is to agree on an ingredient from a table full of them, and then they all have to make one dish using that ingredient. They choose rabbit. One poor lady spaces out while plating and time is up before she gets the rabbit on her plate, so they just tell her to leave. This shit is hardcore. After tasting all of the dishes (those poor bunnies), the judges send six people through and put Ed (rabbit wasn't thoroughly cooked) and Janine (forgot her sauce) on the bubble.
And that's it for this week! week we get to see the final group and then the Bubble Cook-Off. There are some real personalities (and huge egos) in this group. My favorite was Chris from California, who referred to himself as a chef and a culinary artist, and then right after him, Janine totally ripped on him by also calling herself a culinary artist. I hope she wins the Bubble-Off. Other early favorites (of mine) including the giant ex-con from Wilmington who cooks seafood and the multiple ladies from Chicago. Let's worry about learning their names once we actually have a full cast. I would be pissed if I were that final group though – they only get a maximum of four people going through, assuming they are leaving one slot open for the Bubble-Off.
The preview for the season seems reeeeeally long. Do they need a teaser to make people watch the show at this point? Don't people already know the show exists? Given how many cheftestants they have this season (29), I would rather they spend a little more time letting me get to know the cheftestants and their food, so I might actually care who stays and who goes home.
Anyway, all 29 cheftestants arrive at the Alamo, where Padma is waiting. Isn't 29 a weird number? Do you think there was supposed to be thirty and someone dropped out at the last minute? Did they not have alternates? The first cheftestants we meet are Richie, who is wearing a pink bandanna and has really crazily-groomed facial hair, and his boss, Chris. So you know they're both going to be on. Or maybe only one will make it. Wouldn't it be funny if the boss got cut and the underling made it? We also meet Chef Tyler Stone, who has tiny baby teeth and zero lines on his face and he's freaking me out. It looks like he's wearing a mask.
Padma explains that they will be put into groups and have to compete in one challenge, and only sixteen of them will make it through to live in the house. Everyone's like "Oh, shit."
The first group of ten walks into the Top Chef kitchen. Chris, who is apparently our narrator this season, explains that he walked into the kitchen and first he noticed the ingredient, which is a whole pig, and then he noticed who was standing to Colicchio: Emeril! And we have our first BAM! Reference of the season. Thank you, Chris. You have won a prize. Not really, dude. That was pretty obvious. Don't do it again.
Tom welcomes everyone and introduces Emeril. I have no problem with Emeril being on this show. He pretty much made the Food Network into a legitimate channel, and has many years of experience running restaurants. He's no Guy Fieri or even Rachael Ray (who I like okay, but I can understand why true foodies don't respect her). Anyway. Tom has everyone go down the line and introduce themselves quickly. More than half of these people are leaving in like ten minutes, so let's not bother with the introductions. I'll just tell you the people that the producers want you to remember: Tyler the Arrogant Baby Teeth Dude, Heather from Chicago, Nyesha Who Worked for Robuchon, Molly the Cruise Line chef, Richie the Moto Underling, Chris the Moto Boss, Grayson the Currently Unemployed, Sarah from Chicago (Chicago is a trend this season), and Colin the Pale Vegan Guy. Got all that? Heather from Chicago is getting a lot of interviews, and in one of them, she says that she's sacrificed a lot of her personal life to be a chef, and she wants to be on the show more than she thinks she's ever wanted anything.
Colicchio says that they've broken down a pig into its primal cuts. Each cheftestant will have to choose one part of the pig and prepare it for the judges. The only thing is, the pig isn't completely butchered, so they have to know something about butchering to do well in this challenge, or hope that someone else knows something about butchering. They have an hour to cook their dish, and Emeril and Tom will be walking around while they cook and watching how they work.
Time starts and they all run over to the pig. Some people get the cut they want, and some don't, obviously. Grayson gets the pork tenderloin, which seems pretty easy but maybe not the most difficult. I mean, I can cook a tenderloin, and I definitely can't cook ears or cheek or whatever. Tyler the Arrogant volunteers to butcher his part of the pig, which contains Grayson's tenderloin. He admits in an interview that he normally cooks for celebrities (drop a name, dude? Who?) and they have money to spend, so he gets his meat from a butcher, and doesn't butcher it himself. But he wrote his own cookbook! So he's pretty sure he can butcher! Also, I'm pretty sure his book is self-published, so he shouldn't get too cocky there. I don't feel like butchering is something you can kind of figure out as you go, or fake your way through. But maybe I'm wrong! Also, has Tyler had Botox? I know he's young, but his face seriously doesn't move AT ALL. Like his forehead is perfectly smooth and he has no crinkles near his eyes, and it's really weird. And if he can afford Botox, why wouldn't he also fix his miniature teeth?
Grayson is worried that she'll screw up her dish, the pork tenderloin. She hurries to get all of the other ingredients ready while Tyler butchers the meat. And he decides that he needs a saw, which seems like it should only be used to cut through bone, but again, I know nothing. Like Tyler. Meanwhile, Colin the Pale Vegan quickly admits that he can't butcher, since he hasn't cooked pig in like ten years, so Chris from Moto takes over and seems to know what he's doing.
Tom and Emeril check in with various cheftestants quickly. Richie the Moto Underling is cooking the ears, and he never has before, but he's eaten them, so he feels like he understands how to prepare them. Nyesha the Robuchon Mentee is making ravioli. Molly the Cruise Ship Chef is cooking the cheeks, and she plans to render the fat and then use it in a soup. She explains that soup is her specialty on the ship, and she doesn't want to stray too far from what she knows works. Good plan for this initial round.
Oh, Lordy. Tyler is sawing away at his pork cut with a hacksaw. That does NOT seem like a good idea. Tom walks over and is like, "What's up?" Tyler says that it's a big piece of meat and he doesn't usually butcher meat that size. Tom asks what he does butcher and instead of being honest and saying that he doesn't usually do any butchering, Tyler lies and says that he butchers smaller pieces of meat. What, like he trims the fat off a chicken breast? Because if that's butchering, I do that once a week.
Grayson asks who has her loin, and no one answers. Heather tells her that Tyler has it and she should go get it. Grayson runs over and Tyler just starts handing her random pieces of meat. I don't think he knows what a pork loin looks like. Tom is still standing there, witnessing this debacle. Tyler asks, "What do you need?" and Grayson says, "The tenderloin." Duh. Tom says he doesn't even see the tenderloin and Grayson points out that it's in tiny pieces, because he hacked it up. She starts trying to cut a usable piece of meat as Tyler chuckles nervously. She ends up with this tiny piece of loin, and at this point, she should probably rethink her plan, but she decides to stuff it anyway. It's about a quarter of the size of a pork tenderloin you'd buy at the store.
Emeril has now joined Tom at Tyler's Station of Butchery But Not The Good Kind of Butchery. Tom asks if Tyler would buy that piece of meat at the store, because it looks awful, and Tyler admits that he wouldn't, but says that he's not a butcher. Tom also faults Tyler for ruining Grayson's piece of meat, and Tyler gives the reality-show defense that it's not his problem. Which it isn't, but if he had butchered the meat properly, this wouldn't be an issue. Tyler thinks they are all laughing and joking around until Tom tells him that he should probably just go home. Tyler's like, "What? Give me a shot!" Tom is stone-faced and tells him to pack his knives and go. Dude! I didn't know they'd be eliminating people before they even cooked anything! That is awesome. I love it. I love hardcore Tom. Tyler and his baby teeth interview that he's not worried because he's going right to the top. And I'm sure he can have a great career in Sacramento, but he's not a top chef. Heather reminds us that this is "a serious competition for serious chefs" and she thinks Tyler deserved to be sent home. I agree, Heather. Get that weirdo out of here.
After Tyler gets sent home, the other cheftestants are like, "OH SHIT" and get to cooking. Tom asks Grayson why she let Tyler butcher her meat, and she says that she assumed he knew what he was doing, and it would give her time to work on her food. Tom points out that she's learned the hard way not to trust other people in the kitchen on this show. Grayson frantically tries to stuff her tiny piece of loin with some mushroom paste or something. She's screwed.
Sarah is grinding her pig skin and making a pasta for some filling. She works for Tony Montuano, who you may remember from Masters. They show flashback pictures of her experience and career, and I have to say that she looked a lot better with longer hair. Not that she cares what I think. Anyway, she has traveled in Italy and is making a dish inspired by a Northern Italian sausage dish.
Heather says that her grits tasted like "a salt lick," so she dumped half of them out and added more milk, because she doesn't have time to redo it. Add a potato! I don't know. That works when you oversalt your soup. Speaking of salt, Richie explains that he has "a salty palate." So I guess he tends to oversalt things? His boss Chris tastes his food and tells him it's good. Is it good? Or is Chris sabotaging him? I'm just trying to introduce some drama because now that Tyler's gone, things have gotten a bit boring.
With one minute left, everyone is plating. Sarah and Chris finish just in time. Not so lucky is Colin the Pale Vegan, who tries to pour soup into a tiny bowl and splatters the soup all over the place. He gets the bowls filled, but there are splatters and splotches all over his plates, and he doesn't have time to wipe them up.
So they are serving in small groups, and the first group is Chris from Moto, Sarah from Chicago, and Colin the Pale Vegan. Tom immediately notices that Colin's plates are terrible, and asks what happened. Colin says that he lost the tip on the foamer, which doesn't make any sense, because the problem came in when he was pouring his soup. Was he going to foam his soup? I don't get it. Anyway, they don't even taste his food. They just tell him that his plate's a disaster so he's out. Damn. That is hardcore. Love it! Get out!
Padma explains how things will work. There are three judges (Padma, Tom, and Emeril), and it's majority rule whether they stay or go. However, they do have a third option of putting people "on the bubble" and those people will have to cook one more time for the chance to stay. I'm not sure I like the bubble. That doesn't seem hardcore at all. Bubbles are softcore. But now, the dishes. Chris from Moto had pork belly and has made a caramel apple stuffed with braised pork belly and sweet applesauce. That sounds awesome. I would like to eat that right now. Sarah has made pig skin ravioli. I kind of dig that she didn't give it a lot of fancy names. The judges start with Chris. Tom thought it was a classic combination of ingredients, and he thinks Chris should go through. So does Emeril, so Chris is on the show. He and his floppy '90s hair are very grateful. Now on to Sarah's food. Tom thinks she had a difficult ingredient and she made it great, so she's in for him, and Emeril quickly agrees that she pulled it off. Sarah is so, so happy. It's nice to see someone who's not all cool and collected.
group is just Grayson and Molly. Presumably Tyler would have been in this group as well. Grayson is freaked out because she has very little pork on her plate, and she knows it's her own fault. Molly is anxious to prove that cruise ship dining is fine dining and not mass production. They start with Molly, who had pork cheek and made smoked sweet potato soup with pork cheek and tequila cilantro lime cream. Wow, that sounds good. It looks nice, too. Grayson made haricots vert with toasted hazelnuts and mushroom stuffed tenderloin. They start with Molly's dish. Tom says that he liked the soup, but he wanted more pork. Emeril agrees that he liked it, but he's on the fence, so Molly is on the bubble. What about Grayson? Tom says that the meat is nicely cooked but some of the flavors are out of balance, so he'd like to see her cook again. Emeril is of the same mind, so she's also on the bubble.
The final group plates their food. It's Richie the Moto Underling, Nyesha of Robuchon Fame, Heather from Chicago, and Simon Who I Haven't Mentioned And You'll See Why Shortly. Nyesha had pork shoulder and made a Tex-Mex ravioli. It doesn't look great, but I bet it tastes fantastic. Richie had pig ears and he made onion soup with braised and crispy pig ears, pickled shallots, and frozen parsley powder. Simon had ham and made a ham roulade stuffed with fig confit and goat cheese. His dish seems really '90s to me, right down to the plating. Heather had baby back ribs (can you ever hear that without singing the Chili's song? Just me?) and she made maple and citrus glazed baby back ribs with bacon, corn, and bleu cheese grits. It sounds good but it looks kind of heavy, like there's a lot of food piled on that plate for fine dining.
The judges start with Nyesha, who wanted to keep her dish Tex-Mex. Emeril loves it, and Padma agrees that it was beautiful and tasty, so she's in. up is Heather. Tom thinks that the flavors were soulful and satisfying, and Emeril loved it too, so she's in. How about Simon? Emeril thought it was overcooked and dry, and Tom thinks there was too much going on, so they dismiss him. He's OUT. Richie is last, and he worries that his salty palate did him in. Tom admits that the food is on the verge of being salty, but it's well seasoned. Emeril thinks the food has tremendous depth and taste, so Richie is through. Richie needs to lose the goatee and the Mohawk and act normal for once and I might start to like him.
The people who are through for sure (Richie, Chris, Sarah, and Heather) all go check out their house. Hey, they're all from Chicago! That's weird.
It's time for Round Two of the Qualifying Challenge! The nine potential cheftestants walk into the kitchen and find Gail, Tom, and Padma standing there. They also go down the line for introductions. We have: Ty-Lor With An UmLaut No Seriously, Nina From Seattle, Keith Who Looks Like Chef From South Park, Edward the Asian from Kentucky (maybe the only one?), Chris Hollywood Who Is a Culinary Artist (no, he really says that), Janine Who Rips on Chris For Saying He's a Culinary Artist and Becomes My Early Favorite, Chuy The Rick Bayless Protégé, Whitney The Brunette Cynthia Stevenson, and Dakota And That Can't Possibly Be Her Real Name.
Padma explains the challenge: they have a variety of ingredients from which to choose. They must all collectively agree on one ingredient and then each prepare a dish with that ingredient. Time starts, and they all clamor around the table and try to out-chef one another with their choice of ingredient, which includes things like sea urchin and sweetbreads. They finally all agree on rabbit, since it's probably the most versatile.
Everyone gets to cooking. Janine says that "rabbit orgies are awesome." Whuh-huh? Why is she talking about rabbit orgies? Whitney explains that Hugh Acheson has been a mentor for her. Wait, isn't he a judge this season? How is that fair? Also, she says he brought her into the kitchen when she was very young, which just sounds inappropriate. I'm sure it's all aboveboard but any time a young women is taken in by an older man, it sounds weird.
Tom wanders around the kitchen to find out what people are doing. Is he going to send someone home right now, like he did last time? Chuy interviews that his mother used to cook rabbit a lot when he was growing up. Like they raised rabbits and then would eat them for dinner and tell his sister it was chicken. I hope they eventually told her the truth or she just got an ugly surprise. Chris Hollywood interviews that his style is similar to Blais and Michael Voltaggio. I'm sure he thinks he's just like Michael Voltaggio. We shall see. Ty-Lor has been all around the world. Is that where he picked up the umlaut? And the fake name. I hope his birth name is at least Tyler.
Janine explains that she's going to make a rack of rabbit, I guess? She doesn't seem to have much of a plan. In her interview, she explains that she lost her father and broke up with her partner of nine years this year, so being on the show would be something positive. She's also one of those people who doesn't open her mouth when she speaks, and swallows her words, which is going to bug me if she makes it on the show. Open your mouth! Stop mumbling! Edward is trying to use one of the machines but he's not familiar with the controls and he decides to skip it. Will that ruin his dish?
Tom walks up to Nina and basically tells her, "You have no experience and everyone else is an expert. So why are you here?" Um, wasn't she chosen to be there? It's not like she just wandered in off the street. TOM. Keith Who Looks Like Chef From South Park tells Tom that he cooks seafood mostly, right on the beach. Keith interviews that he made bad choices when he was younger and got caught selling drugs, and then went to jail. While he was in jail, he learned to cook. Wow. That is an actual success story from the penal system; you don't hear too many of those. Dakota thinks she has a leg up because she's going to put chocolate with rabbit, and no one else will do that.
Time winds down and everyone rushes to plate the food. Nina's lack of experience causes her to run out of time and the rabbit doesn't get on the plate. Just kidding! It has nothing to do with her lack of experience cooking and everything to do with her lack of experience cooking on this show, I think. Edward's last-minute switch up in cooking techniques means that he didn't have enough time to cook his rabbit, and he worries that it's undercooked. Mmm, raw rabbit. That sounds...disgusting, actually.
The first group is Nina, Whitney, Keith, and Edward. Tom tells Nina to GTFO because the challenge was to cook rabbit and she didn't end up with any rabbit on her plates. Oops. Whitney made rabbit sugo with tomatoes, shallots, asparagus, and bacon. Keith made herb-seared tenderloin, chicken-friend rabbit, Yukon potato hash, and braised rabbit confit. I'm really happy that he doesn't call it "a trio of rabbit" or some bullshit like that. Edward immediately gets on my shit list by offering up "a duo of rabbit", which is butter-poached rabbit with butternut squash puree (baby food). It annoys me that he calls it a duo because he means that there's two cuts from the rabbit, not rabbit prepared two ways.
Tom and Gail both think Whitney should get through to the Top Sixteen, so she's in. Padma asks Keith what he's thinking, and he jokes that he's too big to pass out. He is a giant. Tom thinks his rabbit was perfectly cooked and Gail also enjoyed it, so he's also through. Yay! He's one of my early favorites. And what about Edward and his raw rabbit. Padma points out that his rabbit wasn't cooked enough, but Tom thinks he has skill and would love to see him cook again. Gail agrees, so Edward is on the bubble. He vows to do better time and goes to join the other bubblers in the Stew Room.
The group starts to plate. Ty-Lor With An Umlaut explains that he made a last-second decision to soak the rabbit in fish sauce, which sounds kind of gross. Chuy is worried that he put too much sauce on his plates, but he's happy with his flavors. Janine doesn't have time to sauce her plates, though all the food does make it on.
This group consists of Janine, Dakota, Chuy, Ty-Lor, and Chris Hollywood. Janine made a rabbit nugget, rabbit rack, and rabbit loin saltimbocca with mushroom hash. See, she could call this a trio or rabbit three ways, but she doesn't, and I love her for that. Chuy made rabbit loin with cashew pipian and grilled zucchini. He did put way too much sauce on the plate; it looks like a soup. Chris Hollywood (as opposed to Chris Moto) made a duo of rabbit (of course) which is confit leg and butter-seared tenderloin with carrot polenta. Seems pretty similar to what some others did. I think he was Mr. Imagination. Ty-Lor made confit rabbit leg with pickled cucumber and tomatoes in fish sauce. Dakota made roast rabbit crepinettes with cocoa-vinegar bulgur wheat and vanilla jus. It sounds gross, but it's definitely a unique flavor combination.
Tom starts with Dakota, and he says that her flavor combinations worked, even though they were different. Padma and Gail agree, so she's in. She needs to lay off the black eyeliner. Ty-Lor is up , and Tom and Gail have nothing but praise, so he is quickly through. Apparently making up a new name for yourself is the key to getting through. Padma thinks that Chris has "a certain level of technique" (is that a compliment?) and Gail thinks his rabbit was cooked the best of anyone, so he's through. Tom liked Janine's dish but he would have liked the sauce. Gail thinks she should go through, but Padma has reservations, so she's on the bubble.
Weird interstital. Edward, Molly, Grayson, and Janine are in the Stew Room. Janine posits that the reason they didn't get through is because they aren't visibly tattooed, since all the people who did make it through have a lot of ink. She takes a Sharpie and draw a tattoo on her arm. Look, she might get tiresome with the constant joking, but I appreciate that she doesn't take herself seriously.
So the only person left to be evaluated in this round is Chuy. He thinks they either saved the best for last or the worst for last. Padma says it might be neither. Tom liked that the heat from the sauce built, and Padma thinks he should go through. So Chuy's in too!
So here's who's in the house so far: Ty-Lor (who used to work with Heather Chicago and is delighted to see her), Heather Chicago, Sarah Chicago, Nyesha, Whitney, Keith, Dakota, Chuy, Chris Hollywood, Chris Moto, and Richie Moto. So that's eleven people already on the show, out of sixteen. That means there are only five slots left (I can do math!). Presumably they're only going to take four from the last group, and leave one slot open for the bubble person. Or it would be kind of awesome if they took five from the last group and then told the bubble people to just get out. No, I would feel bad. But it would be ballsy. See you week, when we will find out!