By Keckler
Oh, Howie. It's not like this offing was a surprise, but I'm still sorta sad over it. I mean, he went from endearing to crabby to mean to martyr in ten loooooong sweaty episodes.
But first! To the Quickfire! Armed with only ten dollars and strict grocery store aisle assignments, the cheftestants have to come up with delectable dishes. The two most memorable are produced by the Brians, who had some sort of religious awakening brought on by cans of Spam, and Hung, who had some sort of acid trip brought on by neon boxes of Frankenberry and Fruit Loops. The Brians do manage to whip up something impressive with the Spam and end up winning the Quickfire, but Hung channels Frank from Season Two and makes some sort of miniature play land with fried egg suns and cereal rivers and meringue mountains. After getting his salt and sugar all confused in his risotto dish, CJ ends up on the bottom and is joined by Howie, who didn't even do anything. Declaring that he wasn't happy with what he was making, Howie defends his reasoning for presenting an empty plate to Padma and guest judge Michael Schwartz by saying he won't have them eat something he's not proud of.
Moving on to the Elimination Challenge, the Brians declare themselves leader (the Quickfire win gave them this power) and attempt to shepherd the other cheftestants through the task of preparing high-class eats for underweight fashionistas with a total of $350. Not per person, you understand -- $350 total. They plan, they shop, and they prepare their passed hors d'oeuvres in the tiny galley of a big boat. The judges are not impressed, and after a very contentious Judges' Table where Hung attempts to cite historic precedent to defend his various failures (did you know bread pudding was an appetizer 800 years ago? It's true -- King John used to serve it to the Sheriff of Nottingham as they plotted against Robin Hood), Brian finds his leadership under fire, and Howie nominates himself off the kitchen island. And even though Padma makes a big show of informing Howie that the decision is not his to make, the judges do decide to make good on Howie's offer, and send him home.
I think I shall miss the dried-out pork most of all.
CJ looks disconsolately at Tre's empty and made bed and tells us it sucks that Tre is gone. He goes on that he made the right decision for the team when he named Tre executive chef of Restaurant April and that Tre knew what he was getting himself into. Hung gets dressed and tells us that Tre is the first chef he "actually feels bad about" going home. Furthermore, Hung would rather lose to Tre than anyone else. If he has to lose, he adds. The Brians are missing wife and dog and home and restaurant. Casey thinks it would be cool to be one of the only girls to make it to the top four since they've lost so many "females." When she says it like that, I somehow think of Worf and mating rituals and how humans are too fragile.
On the way to the Quickfire, Padma clearly had to stop off at marching band practice, which is the only way explain her odd blue vest with the horizontal stripes and decorative buttons. She blows a mean sousaphone. Padma introduces the guest judge of the day, Michael Schwartz of Michael's Genuine Food and Drink (hard as it is to tell from the name, that's not an olde timey grocery store, it's a restaurant), and announces that their Quickfire theme is about "looking good and making the most of what you have." "So, Michael," Padma says, turning to him, "What are the things to consider about this town when you're serving food here?" "It's gotta be fabulous, it's gotta look great, and it's gotta taste great," Michael says. Yeah, Miami is really unique in that way. I know that San Francisco is all about tasting great and looking shitty whereas New York is all about looking great and tasting abysmal. It's good to know there's one city in the country that has managed to put the two together. Padma informs the cheftestants, "And that's what we want from you and your Quickfire Challenge." Because they never want it at any other time? These themes are really getting as thin and lame as whipped egg whites on a humid day. The cheftestants draw knives, and Padma tells them the "Aisle Trial" (ugh!) Quickfire assigns them to specific grocery store aisles, and it is from those aisles and those alone that they can pull their ingredients. They will have access to certain things in the pantry that have already being pulled for them -- citrus, flour, eggs, BOMBAY SAPPHIRE gin, cornstarch, etc. -- and they will only be allowed to spend ten dollars in ten minutes.
Howie gets to his canned fruit, dried fruit, powdered juice, boxed drinks, and nectars aisle. He's not a happy bald man. Meanwhile, Hung is likewise unhappy with his cereal, canned milk, and coffee aisle, but reasons he has to just deal with it and decides to do something he did as a kid. Oooh, Lucky Charms! I haven't had that in ages. Why are freeze-dried marshmallows so good when they've been slightly glazed with milk? It makes them all glossy and velvety and luscious. CJ is pleasantly surprised by his Spanish condiment aisle, but notes, "There's only so many ways you can pickle okra." Ew, screw pickling it -- a quick and hot sauté is totally the way to go, and damn, that shit is better than popcorn. Casey, of the cookies, crackers, and bread aisle, talks about choosing a can of mango preserves, ginger snaps, and Nilla Wafers (ooh, that's another one I need to add to my Childhood Shopping List!) in order to make some variation of a banana pudding. Dale pulls stuff from his canned and dry soup and "International" aisle, telling us there's "jack" in his aisle. He grabs Ramen noodles, hominy, black beans, and queso blanco. The Brians, as fate would have it, have been assigned to the canned seafood aisle. But instead of defaulting to his comfort zone, Brian tells us, "And then in the back of my mind I'm going, 'Colicchio doesn't think you can cook anything but seafood!'" You know that the back of Brian's mind takes up a fair amount of real estate. I'm just saying -- he's got a three-bedroom back there. Brian goes on, "And then it was like the skies parted and the Holy Lights hit me: SPAM!" See? Didn't I say O'Brian wanted to take holy orders?
Back in the kitchens, the cheftestants have twenty minutes to cook. A few of them share their feelings, both confusing (Sara says she wants to make free-form lasagna, which turns out to be ravioli later) and angry (Howie is convinced he won't make anything good). As Hung chops up Fruit Loops, he tells us that this Quickfire is the most fun he's had with a challenge yet, because he's just playing with food like a kid. On a white square plate, Hung has constructed a little landscape of freaky food. So far, he's got hard meringue mountains, cocoa powder for land, and a crushed blue Fruit Loop river where, I'd like to think, Gummi Bears are fishing for Goldfish Crackers. There's a mess of something green on the other side of the river from the Mt. Meringue, which sort of looks like julienned zucchini. Hysteria! Seriously, Hung is the last person I would figure to channel Frankie "The Bull" and his Magical Mushroomland. Now Brian, however, he's the one I'd peg to build, like, the holy temple of Joppa with a string bean Harry Hamlin and a cauliflower Kraken rising from a sea of Kool-Aid. "Dude, are you building a Smurf village over there?" Dale calls. And with that? This became my favorite episode of the season. MALARKEY! giggles. No, not cauliflower: broccoli. Because of the seaweed. Hung says, "Natural garden" and dots some of the cocoa earth with more crushed Fruit Loops. "He had mountains and streams and fields," MALARKEY! laughs to us, "I had no idea what this guy was on, but man, I want sooooome." You already got it, dude. Hung tells us he loves being able to express himself through his cooking, "I love eating, I grew up eating, all my family are chefs, they all own restaurants, we're all in this business." Hung grew up eating? That's funny, I didn't. I guess that's why I'm not on Top Chef. I wonder if other people know about this "eating" thing…
CJ was trying to make a curried potato risotto and he wanted to add sugar to it, but he confused his sugar with salt. We see CJ take a taste of his dish from the saucepan and go, "Bleaah!" He examines the saucepan intently. Howie tosses mandarin oranges in a skillet and tells us he was trying to do a quick sauce, but the oranges fell apart. Time ticks down. Howie puts his mandarin oranges in a cocktail glass on a plate and tells us, "I realized I wasn't at all happy with any of the stuff." Howie dumps the contents of the cocktail glass back in the skillet and turns the glass upside down on the plate. Dude, it's totally the culinary equivalent of laying down the king in chess. I know I give Howie a hard time for seasoning his dishes with his own sort of Brow BAM, but I guess we should be happy that at the very least, he's not going commando in his pants and roasting his chestnuts like Ramsay. Time's up.
Padma and Michael start with Sara and her free-form ravioli stuffed with white beans and sweet peas sitting on a pureed tomato sauce and topped with crispy shallots. See, that sounds pretty damn good to me, so I'm completely confused when Padma takes a bite and says, "It's not as bad as I thought it would be." Sara boggles. Moving on to the Brians, who are fidgeting with themselves, the judges are hurriedly told, "I had the canned meat aisle. Really lit up when I saw the Spam." As O'Brian came down from the canned food aisle with the two cans of Spam in his hands, he did not know that the skin of his face had become radiant while he conversed with the MALARKEY. Heh. Padma's face sort of freezes, but she turns to Michael and asks if he's ever had Spam. Nope, never eaten it, never cooked with it. The Brians -- I think it's Bryan, judging by the speed-talking -- quickly explain, "Um, so what we did was we sautéed the Spam. And I have nice little Spam and eggs. Corned beef hash with some fried onions and I did a little balsamic reduction to kind of sweeten it all up." Michael tells him, "Good job."
Dale presents his Ramen noodles with hominy, black beans, queso fresco, and a fried egg. Dale, I love you, but that looks and sounds pretty gross. Dale goes on that he added some hot salsa to his "really spicy Mexican breakfast." "That's got a little kick," Michael observes. "Oh, yeah," Padma agrees weakly. Wow, there's something about her delivery there that is so hysterical. Maybe her acting coach really did pay off! "Thank you," Padma adds in the same weakened tone, half-laughing. Dale points the way to the water, and Padma coughs as she tries to sip from a bottle. Guess she's not a phaal phan. Dale stands there, getting red and grinning sheepishly. Their palates doused, the judges arrive at CJ's station, who explains, "I had the aisle with everything pickled and pre-made salad dressing." "Not bad," Padma shrugs, emoting like hell. Anyway, CJ has a curried potato risotto with a bitter orange marinade, and we'll just stop right there -- exactly what aspect of the curried potato risotto needed to be marinated? He also has blanched leeks with hot banana peppers. CJ adds, "I will warn you, however, that I sweetened my potato risotto with salt, so it's not as sweet as I'd like." Padma is confused and tries to work it out, but CJ interrupts her and says, "Well, let's just go for it and we'll see what happens here." The Brians and Sara are loudly cracking up. "Have fun with it, Padma -- here we go!" CJ cajoles. "I want him to take a bite first," Michael says, handing his fork to CJ. "I've taken quite a few, my friend, and I'm not going back," CJ laughs. Michael scoops up a taste, commenting, "I must say, it looks a bit of a mess." However, after he tastes, we don't get to see what he thinks. Hee -- that was pretty damn funny as well.
Down to the last three, we go to Casey, who presents her "Classic Wafer Pudding." It's pudding with mango preserves, ginger snaps, lemon, and whipped cream. What happened to the Nilla Wafers? Oh, Casey explains that she went with the gingersnaps instead of the Nilla wafers. Michael tells her it tastes good. YAY! We're finally getting to Hung and his Apple-achian Trail Mix. Hung solemnly shakes the judges' hands. Michael then looks down at Hung's creation and asks, "What the fuck is that?! That's some crazy shit!" Hee! Hung launches into his explanation, "What we have here is egg with leeks and potato and here is cereal with the malted chocolate drink and chocolate whipped cream." Oh darn, Mt. Meringue isn't meringue at all, it's whipped cream. "Complete breakfast," Michael says. "Yes, good for you," Hung says, leaning in sincerely. All the cheftestants are cracking up and so am I. I just love how earnest he is about his explanation. He knows that there's no way he's going to win this but he's keeping such a sincere expression on his face and it's about to crack at any moment. CJ tells us, "Hung's dish looked like Candyland meets some sort of diorama -- I don't know exactly what it was." I think it's incredibly endearing that Hung was the one to build the edible Candyland. Maybe it's because he's basically small enough to live there.
Back in the kitchen, Padma wants to get things straight and asks, "So, this is an aerial view?" "Sort of, yeah," Hung says seriously, "You have the sun…" he gestures at the fried egg. And on the seventh day, Hung rested. The cheftestants continue to lose it. Michael tells him that his dish is definitely whimsical, but fabulous? Not so much. They all agree that it's "different." Hung says to us, "I did not expect to win because I had a judge that was so close-minded -- I didn't expect to win anything." Hung, honey, you didn't win because the judge wasn't on the same drugs as you. Also, I think this critique of Michael was either tongue-in-cheek or taken out of context from another Quickfire or Elimination Challenge.
Last to present is Howie, who has nothing to present. He explains that he wasn't proud of anything he made -- he was going for a banana mousse with mandarin orange sauce -- so he didn't want to give them food he wasn't happy about. "Aaand I'm sorry that Michael didn't have a chance to taste some of your food. Hopefully he will in the Elimination Challenge," Padma says rebukingly. Dale tells us that while the Quickfire was "extremely difficult," to not put anything out is really bad. CJ tells us he thinks it was a cop-out for Howie to do what he did, "Make something, you're a chef. You can't give up. You don't ever give up." And CJ's Testicle of Triumph can be heard to issue a muffled squeal: "Never give up! And never SURRENDER!"
Michael delivers his judgment and says that Howie was obviously a disappointment and a cop-out, but CJ was also down there because his dish was salty and sloppy looking. CJ laughs that it's pretty bad to be on the bottom with someone who didn't even make anything. Michael names Brian and his Spam creation the winner of the Quickfire, saying it was a dish that looked as though it could have been served at any restaurant in Miami. He also admits that he's now a "Spam believer." Most. Religious. Episode. Ever. The cheftestants applaud. Brian applauds himself. (In all fairness, I think MALARKEY! did the dish and now Brian is clapping for him.) Padma reminds Brian that he won't get Immunity but he will get awarded something. Before she tells him, however, she explains that the Elimination Challenge will test their ability to "put on a good show." All of them will be working together to cater an "ultra exclusive party" thrown for the "white-hot young designer," Esteban Cortazar. The total lack of recognition on the cheftestants' faces is priceless. However, Sara tells us, "Esteban is this new hip and up-and-coming designer from Miami. A lot of fashionistas, you know, skinny." She holds up her index finger to explain "skinny." Heh. Hung tells us, "I love fashion. I like to wear, like, clothes that fit me -- not clothes that look like a box." Okay, what is he talking about? Is he still living in his miniature Hungland? Howie just stares at the interviewer and says, "Do I look like I care about fashion? This is from Target. This whole outfit." Awesome. I love Target. I love Target sunglasses, Target socks, and Target underwear, but I love Target shoes most of all. I bought these fancy little black '30s-era shoes with pink piping and one of my fashion-y friends looked at them and asked, "Prada?" Right. "Target," I told her. Then she looked at my jacket and asked if it was Betsy Johnson. Once again, I had to burst her bubble, since it was from the Gap. Eight years ago. That's all by way of saying, "Aw!" to Howie's Target-wear.
Padma continues that attending the party will be sixty of Miami's "most beautiful people." The Beautiful Ones are used to the best, and the cheftestants will have to convince them they're eating the best on a $350 budget. Hung makes a face. "Total?" Brian says, weakly. CJ tells us he's worked in catering for four years, so he knows that $350 is not a lot to work with. Brian's prize is that he gets to choose who's in charge of the other cheftestants. There's a minor struggle as O'Brian tries to tell MALARKEY! that the meek shall inherit the earth with MALARKEY! screaming back, "I'VE TOLD YOU BEFORE -- THE MEEK DON'T WANT IT!" before the Brians say they will be in charge. Brian tells us that as an executive chef, he has to be willing to take risks, "That's why I got into the business was to be a leader." He definitely has leadership abilities -- who else can get MALARKEY! to go to bed at a reasonable hour while also ordering Bryan to walk the dog? Padma excuses them.
Back in Top Chef Towers, the cheftestants attempt to agree on dishes. Brian invites everyone to come up with a few ideas. And they do. While Brian thinks they can do multiple dishes if they keep them on the cheap, CJ says he'd rather they all "nail" their one thing. CJ tells us Brian only has "good ideas" because he's listening to everyone else's ideas. Brian says a few people were working alone and he teamed others up. They all throw out more ideas, and Hung tells us if he had been in charge, he would have ordered people to do what he wanted, not what they wanted. That's why he's president of Hungland.
The morning, the cheftestants awaken and OH my GOD -- what the hell is wrapped around Brian's head? There's seems to be a proliferation of slightly shiny olive green material --way more than what is being used as pillowcases. Plus, somehow he has made a sort of…cap? It's pulled across his forehead and around his face and one side of it even looks sort of, like, ruched? The whole effect makes it appear that he sleeps in a shiny olive green clean suit. Amuse-Biatch needs to get a screencap of that scene, stat. Seriously, it's the same type of suit they put Sheriff Carter in when he went invisible this past week. Casey makes up her face and reminds us it's the day of the Elimination Challenge. The Brians -- now out of the clean suit -- tell us that when they woke up, they started think about how they have $350 between all seven of them to cater a really high-end event and they're getting a little unsure whether they can pull it off or not. Was he not listening when this was announced the day before? I think there's a breakdown in the Brians' communication line and someone (MALARKEY!) isn't passing along the relevant information to the rest of the Brians.
On the way to the grocery store, the Brians' decide to tell us that the person they are most concerned about is Howie because, according to them, Howie tends to over-shop and over-buy. Howie mutters to a bored-looking CJ that he's going to try and keep under $50. The cheftestants shop. Casey asks to taste a piece of the raw steak she's buying, which makes sense since she's making carpaccio. However, I can't help but scream the same thing my mother screams at my father whenever he pinches off bits of raw hamburger meat: "YOU'LL GET WORMS!" Hung opines that $50 is plenty for each person. Sara and Casey shop for their joint dessert ingredients, and Casey admits to us that it's risky for them to do a dessert but, "risk-taking is what will win this competition."
At the checkout, Howie and Brian go over Howie's shopping and he's already over the spending limit and has about half his groceries still to ring up. The two of them puzzle over what to take out and leave in. Howie says to us, "We all have a lot of catering experience and I think that Brian has the least catering experience, which is why I really respect the decision he made." Why do I find that comment really confusing? The Brians tell us, "Howie and I have kind of a patchy past." They do? When? Did MALARKEY! attack Howie up one night and leave it to the other three to apologize and swab the bite marks? (MALARKEY!'s totally a biter.) Brian goes on that he was worried about how Howie would treat him as a leader, but Howie has shown that he's willing to listen to Brian and make changes that are good for the overall team. Dale brings more debate to Brian because he doesn't know whether to keep the yogurt or the goat cheese. "GOAT CHEESE! YOGURT! GOAT CHEESE! YOGURT!" MALARKEY! advises unhelpfully. No more late-night Farscapes for him. Dale finally gives up the goat cheese. Brian says that the entire team is starting to "gel" and that even Howie is starting to respond and play as a team member. Howie then tells us that he really wants to do what's best for the team because he wants to impress the judges and he doesn't want all of the viewing public to think that he's "some sort of person who can't work as a group." Honey, don't sweat it -- there's only on person on this show who can "work as a group," and that's Brian.
The cheftestants drive off to the catering space and wonder where they're going. CJ muses they might be going on a boat. Howie tells him, "I once did a party on a boat and it was a fucking nightmare." And they're on a boat. It's one of those big rent-a-cruisers. Padma welcomes the cheftestants and instructs them to grab their groceries from their RAV-4s and head on board. So, the inside of the boat is really nice -- all white and steel and minimalist, like the fashionistas, I imagine -- but the galley is smallish. Honestly, I was expecting it to be so much smaller, but I'd say that if they took the two catering trucks and smashed them together (which is exactly what was going to happen if O'Brian hadn't refused to tell MALARKEY! how to release the parking break) they'd have the same amount of space. CJ marvels that he can stand up straight in the galley -- his head brushes the ceiling -- and Brian tells us, "It's pretty odd when you're down in the galley. It's very tight quarters and then you have the rocking boat to deal with also, so I'm hoping everyone keeps the lunch down." The chefs or the guests? Both would be ideal, I guess.
The cheftestants segue into Food Flurry. Dale explains that he was making gougères and was planning on filling them. However, since he gave up his goat cheese, the yogurt and cream cheese filling is turning out much runnier than he was anticipating. MALARKEY! announces, "As the leader, I have the MONEY dish. I'm going with ahi poke on this one, so I got some beautiful ahi tuna. I think it's a nice LUXURY for them to be able to enjoy AHI." Sara is doing a vegetarian savory tomato bread pudding, and Casey froze the beef for her carpaccio so she could slice it better. Unfortunately, there's no meat slicer in the kitchen, so she's forced to do it by hand. CJ bounces his head on the ceiling and tells us he's doing a scallop and shrimp sausage on brioche. Hmm, is this MALARKEY!'s dish, CJ? CJ goes on that he needs the full amount of time allotted to make his dish because "seafood sausage is a little more technical, a little more weird." Yep, that's MALARKEY!'s recipe. Hung tells us in already defensive tones, "I chose to do salmon mousse with cucumber. I chose a very classic dish that people with an average palate would appreciate." Oh, there he goes again about the peasant eaters! "Average palate" -- he cracks me up. Hung and Dale are also working together on curried chicken salad on crostini. Again with the defensiveness, Hung says, "It's very common, it tasted very good." "Common"! I love him. He's shameless.
Colicchio -- wearing khaki shorts and the ubiquitous blue chef's coat that was clearly chosen to match his Cal Ripkinny eyes -- arrives for his Sniff 'n' Sneer and elbows his way over to Howie. Howie explains his asparagus and prosciutto phyllo "cigars" and adds that he's making mushroom tartlets. "Okay," Colicchio says, sort of put off by the fact that Howie continues working and doesn't really ever look him in the eye, "Are your tartlets made or…" "They're not made yet," Howie says, still not looking up, "But uh -- it's a pretty simple recipe, just some puff pastry and a duxelle. Colicchio moves on to Brian and asks why he chose to be team leader. Brian asks, "Is there any other decision to make? As a chef, you're a leader every single day. You get the opportunity to lead, of course you accept that opportunity." "Awesome," Colicchio says. , Sara tells Colicchio that she's working on her savory bread puddings, and Colicchio wants to know why she and Casey decided to pair up on a dessert. Sara says that when you're having hors d'oeuvres, you have to include something sweet. Colicchio tells them they have little over an hour left to go, "I'll see you top-side." Please tell me he did not just say that. He sort of smiles to himself as he says it, like, "They gave me that ridiculous word and they made me use it and yes, I know I sound like a total dork in shorts." Colicchio observes to us that everything is "pretty simple and safe" and goes on about how this challenge was supposed to be about "wowing people and not blowing the budget." He sees really ordinary stuff in the galley and thinks they should have all gotten together to make three really great dishes in order not to spread their budget too thin.
Brian again stresses how well they're working as a team and preps his mates saying, "All right, you're gonna wanna take Howie's as the first? Just a little bowl [he demonstrates with his hand what a little bowl is] of those. Little cigarettes to start you off on the night, all right?" Okay, first of all, they're cigars, crazy man, and second of all, am I the only one who finds it beyond hysterical that Brian seamlessly transitions from the regular, normal person talk of instructing his team, to the patter he would be giving to the sailing fashionistas? I would seriously love to see Brian on stage somewhere. Howie AGAIN is stressing how much of a team player he is in this challenge because he knows he's been tagged as, you know, not a team player. Howie goes on to us, "I mean, for whatever anybody wants to say about me and my attitude or whatever, I'm a pretty good chef. I've won a few challenges here, I'm obviously not some [and this is where the recapper needs some translation help, please?] shit-quille." Okay, so that's either taking "Shaquille" and, like, profaning him, or he Laverned it and it's "shitquille, schlemazel Hasenpfeffer Incorporated." ["My immediate guess was 'shit-heel,' but until Bravo makes like FX and clears 'shit' for air after 10 PM, we'll continue to have these problems." -- Joe R]
CJ's opinion about Howie's mushroom tartlets is that they came out more like a mousse than a finely diced duxelle, and the result was all beige and grey and not good at all. Oh, man. I sort of have this feeling that Howie looked as his duxelle and reasoned, "Well, the flavors are all there, but it would actually be more, like, urbane to puree them all smooth, yuh know?" And all the puree did was muddy the colors and the thin shards of parm he's using as a garnish is muddying them even more. Hung observes, "Howie's mushroom duxelle looks like dog diarrhea." Oh, Howie, it does look like that picture in Once Upon a Potty -- that weird coil of poo that sort of looks like brown whipped cream and something that came out of no human bottom unless their toilet is a Sit 'n' Spin. In the galley, Howie tells Brian to taste his mushroom tartlets, so he can be sure that the team leader is happy with it. Brian tastes and mumbles through a full and hot mouth, "Thahs rul goo, Howah." CJ thinks Brian's not being firm enough with telling the other cheftestants that their dishes aren't good. Brian tells us that he "personally" knows that some of the dishes aren't as eye-appealing as he would have expected, but, he adds, "I'm the group leader here, what I'm really actually doing here is I'm facilitating -- I'm making sure everyone has the opportunity to succeed…or fail here." CJ says that when you're in Brian's position, you should be watching every single move anyone makes. Cut to Brian standing in the well of the galley steps and pointing at the various cheftestants and checking in with all their dishes.
The guests and judges arrive with no sign of Gail or Ted Allen. Instead, we have Food & Wine's editor-in-chief, Dana Cowin, and Padma in a powder blue top that looks like it went through a shredder because it contained OPSEC and NTK information about her divorce. Padma pulls the cheftestants upstairs and away from their cooking to make with the intros. Howie is the last to leave the galley, and I think he looks particularly peeved. I'm thinking that Howie basically gave up this episode. With the abdication of the Quickfire and the not looking Colicchio in the eye and what goes down and Judges' Table, I'm thinking he had enough of this competition. I don't blame him, I'm just noting it. Ew, why does Colicchio do a weird and smiley lip-lick and bouncy thing when Padma introduces him? Stop it, Colicchio!
Back downstairs, the cheftestants get their hors d'oeuvres ready for service. Upstairs, mini-skirted and fat-lipped fashionistas sip white wine and mojitos. Esteban arrives with a lady he's clearly not sleeping with, and Brian starts their appetizer countdown. Finally, hors d'oeuvres are plated and some chick in sparkly black tells the camera, "We're off to sea! Woo-hoo!" as the unseen crew casts off. Yeah, "off to sea," my ass. You're going to tool around the quiet bay to make sure no one hurls on Esteban's Travolta lapels. You want "off to sea"? Go join Sig and his crew. That's "off to sea." I don't know why I'm so angry about that -- oh wait, maybe it's because I MISSED OUT ON MEETING SIG IN FRIDAY HARBOR THE PLACE MY FAMILY'S BEEN GOING SINCE 197-friggin'-8! I love Deadliest Catch like a Shakespearean sickness.
My good humor is somewhat restored when Brian calls attention to himself (intentionally this time) by yelling that all the hors d'oeuvres are ready for the guests' consumption and possible regurgitation. Listening to this, Esteban moués a glass of white wine. He doesn't look like an "Esteban," he looks like a "Merle." In retrospect, Brian tells us, "I had the 'bright' idea to announce to the entire boat that the hors d'oeuvres were available." Esteban pouts, "Let's go get some hors d'oeuvres," to his arm candy, who is more interested in getting another drink. Brian realizes that his announcement may have been a mistake because they got pummeled with people.
Sara tells Padma and Dana about her "beautiful savory tomato bread puddings" with basil cream and balsamic. "That is NICE," Padma mumbles over her mouthful to Dana. "Oh, good!" Dana exclaims. "That's MINE!" Sara squawks. Dana laughs as Esteban gives her the stink eye and wonders why she's getting all his camera love. Dana takes a bite. "It's so…savory and niiiice," Padma says. Yes, Padma, it's savory bread pudding. Can you say "savory"? I knew you could. More hors d'oeuvres are served, and Brian goes back to the galley saying they need more food. Esteban turns hunchily to Padma and creels, "Is there going to be more stuff?" I don't know why, but I had a sudden flash of Colin from The Secret Garden demanding that Mary Lennox entertain his not-really-invalided self. "I know," Padma says and then announces, "Esteban is asking if there's going to be more stuff -- " Sara, putting out another full plate of hors d'oeuvres, assures that more stuff is on its way. Meanwhile, Esteban has already turned his short attention span to Casey, who is trying to bivouac the crowd with her Damned Chinese Soupspoons of carpaccio. As Esteban peers hungrily over his shoulder, some random asks Casey if what she's carrying is her dish. Casey tells us that before you could even make your way through the crowd to the actual serving tables, people were landing on you and beaking up all your food, "It was really rough and I get really annoyed with chaos." Casey goes on, "I'm that person when somebody is just really not getting down to it, that I can't handle that sort of chaos and I'm going, 'SOMEbody make a decision.'" Why don't you make a decision, drama queen? Sara explains Brian's tomato-ginger-ahi-poke, which has ginger (duh), shallots, tuna (double duh), some tomatoes (major duh), and a little soy. Padma takes a mouthful and makes a face. Standing to a barely listening statuesque blond with a gold Grecian band in her hair, Michael calls back to Sara, "Who made that, Chef?" Sara tells him it's Brian's. "Brian," Michael states and turns back to the blond, "Tastes like wakamai prepared seaweed." I'm thinking that's not so good, Al. Hung presents his and Dale's apple and chicken curried salad on crostini and his own smoked salmon mousse on cucumber with Meyer lemon and salmon caviar. Michael asks who made the hors d'oeuvres. Hung claims both, but when Michael says, "Oh, you did?" Hung amends his statement and says that he and Dale did the chicken salad together, but he did the salmon mousse.
Sara explains Dale's offering of "profiteroles," filled with yogurt, zucchini, tomatoes, and "a tad bit of watercress." Wait, I thought Dale did gougères? Gougères and profiteroles are both from the same batter/dough of pâte a choux (or choux paste), but gougère dough has Gruyère or Comte added to it to make it distinctively savory. Admittedly, gougères do not usually get split and filled with anything -- they're usually just served whole and addictively on their own with maybe some grapes to offset the wonderfully sharp cheese -- as profiteroles are with ice cream, so it looks like Dale is sort of combining the two ideas, However, I really do think it's doing him a disservice not to call them gougères. But that mini-rant doesn't matter because as soon as the judges take their first yogurt squirt bites of the goug-e-roles, Dale's fate is sealed. With drippy white stuff. CJ climbs to the top deck and serves some shrimp and scallop sausage on brioche with a pickled ginger and jicama salad. Hmm, I don't see jicama but thanks to my prepping for a new job, I do see the red tips of julienned radish. Aaaand while Bravo leaves the radish out, CJ does tell us that there's radish topping on his appetizer as well as a ginger and cilantro vinaigrette. The woman in changeable fuchsia taffeta and poodle curls loves it. CJ tells us that he was really happy with his dish because, "It looked, like, sophisticated. It was really pretty." And FINALLY, Casey serves her clearly delectable beef carpaccio wrapped around leaves of watercress and fried capers with lemon aioli and a shiitake broth. Esteban and his especial lady say that Casey's dish is their favorite. Meanwhile, Dana opines, "That's an incredibly ambitious little thing. She has five different components going on." Sara has the dubious task of explaining Howie's cigar of phyllo wrapped asparagus, prosciutto, and parmesan. Michael says, "It's really fucking ugly -- I mean, it's greasy."
Fratty camera whores on the top deck are drunkenly talking to each other about the chocolate mousse dessert they had been hearing about. In the galley, Sara and Casey are struggling. For some reason, Casey is using an immersion blender to kill the chocolate mousse. It's like Clue! Casey, in the galley, with the immersion blender. While Sara thinks, "It will be okay." Casey tries to explain this origins of this sort of grey-ish mess. See, they didn't want to bother making chocolate mousse, so they bought packaged chocolate mousse. However, it didn't seem to be enough, so they tried to stretch it by folding whipped cream into it. Honey, you weren't folding, you were blending. Anyway, the stuff deflated and it turned into pudding. In the galley, Casey wonders if they can take a whisk to it and "beat the shit out of it." I think what she'd actually want to do is "beat the shit into it," but whatever. They try to "really whip some air into it," but it sucks and it's liquid and they bin the whole idea of dessert after all the other cheftestants taste it and shake their heads over the awfulness.
Dragged to the top deck, the cheftestants are given glasses of Champagne -- Howie's face is so done with all this shit -- and toasted and applauded by everyone. Brian says, "The fact that all of the guests on the boat are giving us a huge round of applause…I'm feeling very successful." No, honey, all the guests are drunk -- they'd applaud if someone fell overboard. However, Padma reminds them that when they get back to shore, they have some "serious business" at Judges' Table.
Judges' Table. In the back, Howie announces, "I just want to say that I thought every dish was good and I don't give a fuck what they say." That's really nice and team-like, Howie, but I think the "not giving a fuck" part is why you're going home. Brian adds that he got compliments on every dish in the dining room. At the actual Judges' Table, Michael declares that the dishes -- as a whole -- were uninspired and flat with no pop. (Or Snap and Crackle, for that matter.) Dana adds, "I was amazed at how every single thing came out on some sort of bread." NOT TRUE! Hung's centuries-old salmon mousse was on CUCUMBER ROUNDS! Attention to detail, Madame Editor. Going first to the highlights, Michael says, "Well, I think that Casey's dish looked and tasted good." Did you note that there's something odd in his trailing off tone that implies there was a "but" coming? However, we never hear any more of it. The judges also all liked CJ's seafood sausage. They disliked Dale's flavorless, runny yogurt cream puff/gougère thing and Colicchio damns one of Howie's dishes by announcing he has a problem with people calling things "cigars." "It's unappealing," he adds. Yeah, but it's also common. Dana declares that Howie's mushroom tartlet "tasted like mud." Colicchio muses over Brian as leader and wonders why he didn't "edit" the Challenge better.
All the cheftestants are pulled in front of the judges for questioning. Brian is first under fire and he says that they covered all the basis and thinks it all worked out "very well," and the reason why they didn't serve the dessert was because it didn't meet their expectations. Totally dropping the dessert issue FOREVER, Colicchio wants to know if there was ever a discussion about the wisdom of doing one or two dishes. (That, of course, was CJ's point during the initial brainstorming.) Brian admits there was a discussion and explains that people who thought they could handle two dishes were allowed to do those two dishes. Padma puts in, "You are the executive chef of this team, so you would have had to judge whether these things were appropriate…" Brian contradicts her, "I am not the executive chef of seven chefs, I was the leader. These are all chefs, these are not my sous chefs, these are not my line cooks." He makes a good point, which might be why Colicchio comes down on him for "splitting hairs," and informs him that being a leader means making the hard decisions. Colicchio points out how it is clear that Brian "clearly thought" that doing two dishes was a mistake, so why would he let another teammate do it? Did Brian "clearly" think making two was a mistake? I mean, I know he only did one himself, but I sort of got the impression during the brainstorming that maybe Brian thought that piling up on more dishes was better. Turning to Sara, Colicchio says, "You chose to do one dish, why did you choose to do only one?" Sara contradicts him and says she actually did two, but the dessert was chosen not to be served. "Okay, the second dish was in combination with Casey," Colicchio dismisses and then asks Sara why other chefs chose to do two dishes. "We wanted a variety," Sara says. Dana agrees that they did plan the menu for variety, adding, "But eighty percent were served on bread [HA! She heard me!] -- was that something that you thought about…?" Brian says that when you have thirty minutes to shop, you take some shortcuts. Michael says that he had a problem with how colorless the presentations were. Of course, the camera has trained in on Howie's stubbornly pursed lips and jowls for this statement. But before getting to him, we get to experience the Hung Defense. Colicchio asks Hung how long he's been cooking. Hung does some quick math in his head and says, "Since…eighty-nine…?" Colicchio leaps, "Your hors d'oeuvres -- that salmon -- was right out of that era." "Yes," Hung admits immediately, "It was very classic. That's something you would find at a lot of parties, it's been done for the last three hundred years." Wait, WHAT? I'm sorry but I have to do some investigation of that claim.
Okay, so my Boston Cooking School Cook-Book by Fannie Merrit Farmer has a recipe for both chicken mousse and salmon forcemeat. With a slight stretch, you could believe that the forcemeat is akin to mousse, although it was never fully puréed or fluffed with cream or egg whites. The existence of the chicken mousse means they were aware of the mousse concept back in 1922, which is the copyright of my copy. It's hard to know what recipes where added between the time of the first copyright in 1896 and 1922. More research shows that Marie-Antoine Carême was also doing mousse stuff during the early 1800s, which means it's not so much of a stretch to say that people have been doing salmon mousse for three hundred years. Now, were they serving it on cucumber rounds back then? My research also reminded me that the famous French chef, François Pierre La Varenne, who headed up the Marquis d'Uxelles kitchens in Dijon, perfected mushrooms duxelles in the mid to late 1600s and named them for his boss. My point there is that Howie could argue that his dish is definitely at least FOUR hundred years old. However, so while Hung isn't wrong about how old his dish is, I'm not sure he should cling so tenaciously to it as a selling point. After all, Catherine de Medici had just introduced forks to France a mere eighty-ish years before.
Dana ventures that maybe Hung should have thought to update it. Hung stutters, "People are still eating that, we're still serving asparagus and parmesan -- that's be done for the last three hundred years! Gougères have been done for the last three hundred years! Bread pudding's been done for the last eight hundred years!" Okay, I'll leave asparagus and parmesan alone because it's a vegetable and a cheese, and I'm sure it was combined as soon as Parmigiano-Reggiano was invented. (To give you a reference on that, the first recorded mention of that cheese was in 1344.) As for the choux paste-based gougères, well, Carême and his mentor, Jean Avice, are both credited with "perfecting" choux paste in the 1800s, so Hung's math might be off by a hundred years. By the by, Jean Avice is also said to have invented madeleines. Yum. Finally, was bread pudding invented eight hundred years ago? Who knows? Some would say that bread pudding was invented as soon as the first loaf of bread staled in ancient times, but since "bread pudding" has also come to mean different things, it's impossible to tell. So, I won't quibble overmuch with Hung's eight hundred year idea, but mainly because I like the idea that the first recipe for bread pudding was written on the back of the Magna Carta.
Colicchio chuckles scoffily. Hung raises his voice and says, "Am I right or am I wrong, judges? And chefs? [He bows with this addition] So, everything we do today has been done. Every flavor's been done." Colicchio demands, "Do you have another canapé in your repertoire that would be better than that?" Hung snorts, "Of course I do, Chef." "Thank you," Colicchio almost interrupts, "I heard what I want to hear." Did you hear that Hung has a better canapé in his repertoire had he BEEN ALLOWED TO SPEND MORE THAN FIFTY DOLLARS?! Because overlooking that is ridiculous. Colicchio finally gives his predictable, "If you're not putting your best dish out there right now, what are you waiting for?" Um, I don't know, maybe MORE MONEY?!
Howie's to feel the wrath and dish the argument. After hearing that Howie was happy with his two dishes, Colicchio leaps on him that "part of the challenge was to make the food look great." He adds, "The mushroom tartlet? That looked great?" Howie admits it didn't look "spectacular." Michael jumps in to say, "At the Quickfire Challenge, I mean, it was all about integrity and not putting up food that you weren't proud of and yet today you put up that…crap." Howie mashes his lips together and rolls his eyes up while firmly crossing his arms over his barreled chest. Colicchio wonders why Howie spread his budget over two dishes, and Howie admits he was trying to make up for his poor Quickfire performance as well as support the team by putting out two good dishes instead of one. Colicchio looks down the row at Dana and says he wants to talk specifically about the asparagus cigars. "Why -- what was wrong with the cigar?" Howie asks loudly, "I got compliments on both those dishes from the guests." Dana comments that often when the asparagus cigars are done, it's done with really thick, plump asparagus. Howie shrugs that he "just saw the asparagus and went with it."
Moving on to Dale, Padma asks what inspired him to make "that yogurt, vegetable puff." As Dale says he was going for a "healthier option," Padma interrupts with "Um, I think a couple of us felt that it may have been a bit runny?" Padma's banned from the forums. Dale explains he was going to go with goat cheese, but his budget didn't allow for both the goat cheese and the chicken. "You gave up the goat cheese for the chicken?" Colicchio says, implying bogglement. Dale quickly says he and Hung did the chicken. "Okay," is all Colicchio says, which prompts diarrhea of the mouth from Dale: "In the process of the chicken dish, we did make one or two mistakes and it turned into something different than we had planned." Colicchio says sarcastically, "See, this is why I love this -- everyone comes out here and says, 'Oh, it was a great dish, we thought it was great,' and then you're sitting here talking how you're finding mistakes [that] were made." Howie points out, "We had a budget of $350 for sixty people for two hours -- that's not a lot." "We enjoyed Sara's dish a lot, she had same budget everyone else was working with, so I don't buy the whole budget thing," Colicchio announces, and then he asks Casey how much money she had left over. Casey states firmly that she totally stuck within her budget on both dishes, adding, "The dessert ingredients were not even that much." After confirming that she used her fifty dollars for her carpaccio, Colicchio praises it and then says their job is to decide which was the worst dish. Colicchio wants to know if all the cheftestants really thought that the mushroom duxelles tartlets, and the chicken, and the asparagus were that good. Yikes, both of Howie's dishes are up for the worst. Howie again mashes his lips together and re-crosses his arms. "Did you think they were good?" Colicchio demands. The cheftestants -- true to their fabled oath -- stand silent. "The silence is deafening," Colicchio snaps. Not really, dude. The silence means they don't feel like saying one thing or the other.
Finally, Howie asks if he can "address the panel, please." Padma tells him to go ahead. Howie states that this isn't a team competition because there's only going to be one winner, "And in order to win, you gotta send everybody else home. And I think I really had a grasp on that from the beginning, and, you know, I'm trying to see past that right now for the first time in the past few weeks. I'd rather send myself home then see this guy [jerking his thumb at Brian], who showed a helluva lot of leadership go home, so I'm gonna withdraw myself from this competition." Padma delicately wrinkles her beautiful brow and turns to Colicchio. Colicchio frowns back and looks down at the table. "It's a judges' decision, Howie, not yours," Padma tells him. Whatever, you're going to make that decision anyway. "Then…" Howie says, the wind taken out of his sails, "Make your decision." Colicchio says they have a bunch of things to discuss, "So, why don't you guys, sort of…get out of here."
In the back, Sara ventures to Howie that she thought he still had a lot of fight left in him. He does, but he adds that he also has a lot of pride left in him, too, and he will be in control of his own destiny. "Fuck them," Howie adds. At the table, Padma comments, "Well, that was interesting." It sounded dubbed. As did her, "But no matter what Howie said, WE make the decisions." Oookay! They rehash how they liked Casey's beef and CJ's seafood sausage. "He did have bright, happy flavors," Dana adds. Happy? They also thought Sara's bread pudding was delicious. They didn't like Howie's dishes, Dale's yogurt mess, and Dana adds her objection to Hung's salmon mousse. "It just was soooo baaaaad," she laughs. In the back, Hung says he's sick of defending his dishes "to these four guys." CJ argues, "Hung -- you did it because it was easy, you said that!" Hung doesn't deny it. Back at the table, Brian's ahi poke/tartare is being discussed, and Colicchio seems to think they really don't need any more tartares, but his real problem is with Brian's leadership. In the back, Brian curses how pissed he is that the judges are trying to make it out like he did a bad job. Casey assures him he did a good job. "I FUCKING DID!" MALARKEY! agrees. The judges reach their decision.
All of the cheftestants are brought before the judges, and Colicchio says that Casey, CJ, and Sara's dishes fit their criteria for the Elimination Challenge. Michael gets to name Casey as the winner as well as hand over her prize: a black MacBook Pro. Holy what?! Aside from the obvious Apple jokes, what does that have to do with cooking? Or cheffing? Well, whatever the reasoning, I hear those black MacBooks get pretty hot, so she should keep it well away from her floatation devices. Much celebration and squeeing. Colicchio then excuses the top three and launches into his ReCrap (tm SeeingI) of the remaining four. Nothing new to see, nothing new to hear, moving along. FINALLY, Padma tells Howie to pack his knives and go. Howie nods, says a perfunctory, "Thank you," and marches out of the kitchen. The other cheftestants follow, although Brian seems to hang back a bit.
In the back, the remaining cheftestants applaud and hug Howie. He tells us that he's not necessarily that proud of how he's acted to certain people there because he viewed everyone around him as an enemy. I think Dale's crying. Sara hugs and kisses Howie. Aw. "But the reality of being a chef is that, cooking is a team sport. Today for the first time, I felt like we really were a team. I don't have any regrets -- I stand by my decision. No matter what happens, I am a good chef and all anybody has to do to know that is come taste my food."
week: Top Chef hits the road and Bourdain is back to peddle the McCoyian, "This is Top Chef, not Top Fill-in-the-Blank."