By Keckler
Oy, Tre mal! Part of me is really quite sad that Tre has made it into the scrap pile this week. Because while he was fairly boring and probably on a regular sedation schedule, I still thought he was solid enough to make it to the final three. On the other hand, once CJ started reminding us about his sole testicle, I got panicky that he was the one going home. (Whenever they bring up their life stories, you can be pretty certain they're on their way out. See: Clay's dead dad and, this week, Tre's "school of hard knocks.")
However, even if this episode ousted Tre, it also brought us the coolest Quickfire yet. In this episode, the restaurant teams run a culinary gauntlet during which they have to dice onions (Sara ruled, Casey drooled), shuck oysters (MALARKEY! handed Howie his ass on a plate of rock salt), break down chickens (Hung was awesome, Tre not so much), and hand-whip egg whites to a satisfying stiffness (Dale did fine, but CJ didn't even get a chance).
The two restaurants are given a chance to rethink both their menus and décor, and the winning team -- Quatre, nee The Garage -- is awarded more money for food and wine as well as their own personal Champagne-sabreing sommelier, in the form of…STEPHEN! (I am not ashamed to admit that raucous, Barbaresco-fueled cheers could be heard from my apartment as the camera panned up on Stephen Asprinio's thoroughly made-up face.) Meanwhile, both teams are punished with a forced design consult with the Raging Bitch from last week, Christopher "Madonna Has a Brother?" Ciccone.
While The Garage/Quatre rethinks not just their name and décor, but also their menu, Restaurant April doesn't go as far to fix their issues from last week and ends up as the losing team. Both CJ and Tre seem ripe for Padma's knife, but it's Tre's repulsive salmon dish, misconstrued bread pudding, and overall lack of leadership that send him and his santokus all the way back to Dallas…and I am Tre désolé.
I came to a realization today: the surprise ousting of Tre aside, this season is SO FLIPPIN' BORING! Don't get me wrong, I welcome the respite from the foot-peeing, bullying, purple-faced antics of the second season, but I miss the douche-bag screaming, FISHHOOK saber-ing, big face-osity of the first season. Comparatively, everyone's very nice this season, and I do applaud them for being better people than those that have gone before but still…BORING! Like, we're on what? Episode nine? And we still have about five more to go? Ugh.
Today's scenes from Miami include random exteriors boutique and film studio shots as well as teams playing Jai Alai. Oh, and Casey lying out in the sun with one of the Brians. Tre makes breakfast and tells us that he has to stay focused. CJ tells us he is highly competitive and explains how he was diagnosed with testicular cancer at twenty-nine, "At not one point did I ever think that cancer would ever, sort of beat, me." Then CJ gives us the new Best Line Ever, "I've only got one testicle left, but it's more balls than those guys got combined." Is he getting the Cancer Edit? Hung finds a note slipped under their door addressed to Restaurant April and The Garage. It's not an eviction notice, coupled with some Chinese delivery menus, it's Andrea Strong's notes on how the two restaurants can do better time around. But which notes are they? The ones Colicchio, et al read aloud? Or the ones that went up on the Bravo site, which say nothing about Billy Idol? Meanwhile, my personal feelings of Strong's critiques aside (and they are, uh, strong), I despise how Top Chef strategically hobbled her last week.
"Oh, it's long," CJ mutters. "This is that blog lady," Dale says, cracking me up. He says it with a weary tone of: "This is that bag lady who lives in the alley, pretending she's Holly Golightly's cat." Also, if you aren't Jerry Lewis or the Queen of England, calling someone "lady" is nothing if not dismissive. The teams take their lumps, most of which we've heard already. Howie wonders how an oyster can be a "disaster." "I can guarantee it was delicious," Dale comments. The Garage had oysters? "There's no way an oyster can be a disaster, it just doesn't work that way," Howie goes on. It does when the Red Tide is ebbing and flowing in your upper GI. Or when there's so much sand or shell shards left over from shucking that you treat yourself to a free tooth filing. Sara and Hung both feel that while some of the points are harsh, they need to take the criticisms as guidelines to improve the restaurant.
In the Top Chef Kitchens, the cheftestants find Padma and Colicchio waiting for them. Reminding the cheftestants that they have a second chance at a restaurant opening, Padma explains that they will be making double the amount of menu offerings -- a choice of two items for each course -- and Colicchio says he's arranged for a sommelier to give the Quickfire winners extra help. I can't believe I didn't call it as soon as the word "sommelier" dripped from the Colicchio lips. Turning to the task at hand, Colicchio calls the Quickfire a "Mis-en-Place Relay Race." Padma slowly explains the term for the Internet-challenged among us: "Mis-en-place is the prep chefs do in the kitchen before a busy night of service." Padma, hon, it's the prep they do before any service -- busy or not. Howie thinks The Garage is golden with Hung the amphetamine monkey on their side. Hung agrees that he's awesome: "I'm a great chef and I do that with finesse. Not only do you need to be smart, creative, with a great palate, but you also need the speed." The mis-en-place tasks are: shuck fifteen oysters, finely dice five onions, break down four chickens, and crack and separate three eggs and beat them stiff enough to withstand being turned upside down for five seconds. They have two minutes to decide who will do what. Casey explains to us since that Brian has been in oyster shucking competitions (of course he has: O'Brian has the bronze, Bryan the silver and MALARKEY! hoards five golds), and Tre can do the chickens, "CJ and I are left, so I just took the onion. Fine dicing an onion, it's not brain science." Neither is the expression "it's not brain surgery," or "it's not rocket science," but you still screwed that up. Can't wait to see how you tackle those onions!
Howie and Brian step forward to get on with the shucking. With a shucking glove on one hand and an oyster knife in the other, the guys get to work. Howie carefully positions every shucked oyster on the plate, but Brian explains, "I have a unique way of cracking my oysters -- it's the assembly line way of doin' it. All I do is I pop the top! Pop the top! Pop the top! Pop the top! I get them all done, and I do my abductor muscles and it's like jootjootjootjoot!" Howie shows some surprising and hitherto unseen perspicacity when he says that he knows Brian's getting ahead of him but it's really more about getting his job done so the rest of his teammates can shine at their individual tasks. Brian throws up his hand to get his oysters checked, Colicchio blows his whistle, and Casey steps up to dice onions for Restaurant April.
Howie continues shucking his remaining oysters. Casey begins what ends up being an excruciatingly slow method of dicing onions. (Do you think she confused "dice onions" with "carve pumpkins"?) Howie finally finishes and Sara starts in on her five onions. Hung darts in to help clean up the area around Sara's workspace, which was really quite nice of him. Sara rocks the onions. Casey cuts slow and careful horizontal and vertical cuts, just like she was taught. And then she proceeds to saw at the onions. Dude, your knife isn't supposed to leave the board -- it's a rocking method! Somehow I would have thought working at a Japanese restaurant would have turned out better knife skills. They can flip mushrooms shaped as trees into your breast pocket, for cripes sake! In the kitchen, Tre walks out of camera range -- I don't think he can stand to watch, I know I barely can -- and CJ covers his mouth and looks over Casey's shoulder. "Casey's not that fast," CJ chortles to us. No shit -- she cuts like Sandra Lee! Hung says he feels bad for Casey's team and is getting frustrated just watching her. Brian and CJ exchange exasperated looks. Sara smoothes her onions into a pile and continues to run her knife over them to finely dice them. Sara explains she's been cooking since she was four, so she has good knife skills.
Colicchio checks Sara's onions and Hung leaps in to do his chicken dance. Casey is still dicing. Watching Hung hack the chickens up, Colicchio laughs incredulously. Hung finishes, totally lapping Casey and her onerous onions, and Dale steps in to deal with the eggs. "It's good, go," Colicchio finally and wearily tells Casey. "JESUS CHRIST!" Casey dramaqueens loudly. You're the one in need of allium absolution, Casey, no need to draw attention to it. Of course, that is what Casey does, isn't it? She is loud and melodramatic in order to ward her team off blaming her for anything. Because no one is harder on Casey than Casey herself.
Tre steps up to attempt some sort of comeback for Restaurant April. But it's a no-go; Dale gets his egg white stiffosity examined before Tre finishes his chickens, and The Garage wins a sommelier and two hundred extra dollars for wine. Dale adorably tells us that he is so thrilled for his team's win because he knows The Garage is like the Bad News Bears, while Restaurant April is the Dream Team. Colicchio then gives the teams what he probably thought was good news in the form of The Raging Bitch from last week, who, as it turns out, is Madonna's brother, Christopher Ciccone. The Raging Bitch not only fancies himself a food critic, but is also a "renowned restaurant and interior designer," and he's going to be foisted upon the teams to "fine tune" their concept and design. Greaaat.
The two teams hang out in their spaces, waiting for Maud's brother to favor them with his presence. The Raging Bitch tackles The Garage first. Hung beams at him, definitely not realizing who he was on opening night. However, Dale, having received The Raging Bitch's comments about vegetable monkey medleys firsthand, recognizes him instantly. The Raging Bitch shakes everyone's hand and nods, "We met last night," to Dale. Dale smiles tightly back. "I guess Karma's a bitch," Dale tells us, "because the designer is the asshole from the night before. Chris." Karma's not just a bitch, my sweets, she's a Raging Bitch. To my delight, Dale goes on: "He is definitely one of the most annoying people I've ever met in my life, and being Madonna's brother really doesn't save him." The Raging Bitch goes off on both their décor and their plating. He makes his suggestions: get white tablecloths, put some art on the walls (of course he found a particular artist for them already who is into graphic stuff. Much like his sister), etc. Dale says that his team listened to The Raging Bitch and agreed to go ultra modern with their décor. For his part, Howie is happy to get all the help they can get. The Raging Bitch moves on to Restaurant April, and Brian recognizes him as the guy who "really gave [them] a headache" the night before. The Raging Bitch tells them to remove everything from their walls and then come up with a quote about food or eating to be stenciled on their walls.
Back at Top Chef Towers, Tre works on the balcony -- skipping rope, doing push-ups -- and The Garage decides to go out and make plans for their restaurant. Tre doesn't hide the fact that he can hear them and tells us he had every reason to extend his workout. He then goes inside and reports that The Garage is keeping their menu heavy by adding a rabbit with gnocchi first course. CJ tells us he's confident because The Garage has to overhaul their entire menu, while they're just tweaking a few things. Restaurant April talks about dessert, and Tre rattles off, "Granny Smith apple bread pudding with cinnamon anglaise and mint sauce." "Money," Brian tells him. "I can do bread pudding in my sleep," Tre says. No! Tre, that's what you said about barbecue! Casey offers to help Tre with the dessert and then goes on to us about how she and Tre are leaning on each other "like brother and sister." This is the first we're seeing of that. I'm thinking Casey puts a lot more meaning into these reality show relationships than the people she's having a relationship with do. She does it to seem more important. I'll bet she didn't come up with the brother-sister thing until after she knew Tre was leaving. That way, we'd feel sorry for her or know that she felt his leaving so much more than anyone else. Including Tre. That, or she's a curse because the last time she expressed significant preference for a cheftestant, she got sent home. Tre tells us, "I'm from the school of hard knocks -- fourteen years of working your way up to everywhere you've been. I'm here on Top Chef to win." So, we've had two life stories at this point: CJ and his cancer and Tre and his school of hard knocks. One of them is clearly going home. If not both of them. The one who does not go home will win.
The day, the teams shop. Once again, it's CJ, Tre, Howie, and Sara at the Fresh Market. Not finding enough rabbit at the store, Howie decides they're going to have to go with poussin for their first course. Tre tells us they are keeping the beef tenderloin, but adding a choice of lobster salad or house-cured wild king salmon for the first course, and, from the looks of it, monkfish as an alternative main.
Checking in on the winos, all we see is someone pouring wine out for a tasting. The camera pans up to show STEPHEN! STEPHEN! STEPHEN! Aw, welcome back! Stop wearing so much eyeliner! Stephen takes Howie and Hung's surprise at seeing him very calmly. Almost too calmly. Nonchalant, even -- like people are surprised to see him every day. Stephen takes them through a wine tasting, starting with a sake. Nice. I had some newly-released spring sake at our neighborhood sushi place, and it was incredible. I never knew sake could be so nuanced. The cuts make it look like Stephen's being his usual babblicious self, and Hung tells us, "He may come off as arrogant but he knows his stuff." Brian tells us that while Hung and Dale were busy with their sommelier, he and Casey scrounged around on their own, just buying what they liked.
Back at the Top Chef compound, the teams get their restaurants ready. Dale thinks their new place is great but adds, "It's kind of like Valentine's Day threw up all over it." Sure enough, along with the white tablecloths, there's also lots of red accents and some silver things on the walls and other silver things stacked in the corners. Oh, and there's those special paintings The Raging Bitch "found." They're the kind of paintings my dad stares at in modern art museums and then loudly asks me what's so special about an artist filling a canvas with a single, solid color. I can't argue with him, but I do beat a hasty retreat when he asks a docent which artist made the doorknob. Or the drinking fountain. Brian is pretty happy with the changes The Raging Bitch had them made to Restaurant April. The food quote Brian's team stenciled around the walls is from Through the Looking Glass: " 'A loaf of bread,' the Walrus said,/'Is what we chiefly need:/Pepper and vinegar besides/Are very good indeed --/Now, if you're ready, Oysters dear,/We can begin to feed.'" You just KNOW one of the Brians came up with that quote. I mean, who else on this show is one with the Lewis Carroll mentality?
Just as the cheftestants begin prepping their food, Padma, Ted, and Colicchio walk in. Padma introduces Jeffrey Zakarian, the guest judge for the night. Food Flurry. "To bring this home, I gotta make sure my hand is in everything," Tre tells us. He adds that Casey is great on the line, while CJ doesn't have that much experience on the line. However, he concludes, all great chefs have to be able to trust their sous chefs. As Dale fiddles with a pea puree and a tamis, he calls The Raging Bitch because he forgot to tell him that they are renaming the restaurant "Quatre." Off the phone, Dale tells the cameraman, "He says no one can read French, and no one will understand, and it's not a pretty word. But, um, well, when he opens his own restaurant he can name it whatever he wants, and that's what we're going to do." You go, Dale! As for The Raging Bitch's critiques: "no one" can read French? I'll bet that's news to France. Also, anyone who has taken a romance language will recognize the "quat" stem to mean four. Also, someone should tell Hubert Keller of Fleur de Lys, Eric Ripert of Le Bernardin, Anthony Bourdain of Les Halles, Daniel Patterson of Frisson, and anything with "Brasserie" in the title that they are all doomed to failure.
Quatre's menu now has Hung's tuna tartare and the poussin with gnocchi for a first course, something with lamb and something with halibut for the second course (they don't give us details on these dishes), and the crêpe and a panna cotta for dessert. Hung has Sara taste what look like carrots, explaining, "They're tender." "He likes them crispy," Sara says. "Crispy?" Hung asks. "Who wants them crispy? Do you want them crispy or does Dale want them crispy?" Sara starts to say, "Dale," but then stop and orders, "Do them over, I want them crispy." Nice executive cheffing there. ["Seriously. I became such a Sara Mair fan this week." -- Joe R] Howie says they might all have their opinions on how things should be done but they have to get along or someone on their team is going home. Colicchio enters, but it's not for a Sniff 'n' Sneer, oh no. Instead he announces that he will be in the kitchen with them all night. Oooh, that's interesting! He then clasps his hands behind his back and starts to saunter around. He stands to Sara and peers down skeptically at what she's doing. Hung says they're going to have to cook cleaner with Colicchio standing watch.
Diners start showing up, and both Dale and Brian greet their customers. Is it wrong of me to want Brian to win Top Chef simply because somewhere out there, a headline will read: "Top Chef Malarkey"? Dale tells us that he wants his team to win and he doesn't mind being a "big asshole" to make sure that happens. Given that Dale could barely bring himself to say "big asshole," I sort of don't think he could ever really be one. But it's sweet that he thinks so. The cheftestants cook frenetically. Sara yells out an order and says, "Consider these all for the judges." Howie's all "huh"? "So, make them perfect," Sara clarifies. Colicchio is hanging around, tasting things in pots and standing at the cheftestants' elbows. If MALARKEY! was cooking, I have a feeling he'd chicken wing his arms and say, "AND MY ELBOW ITCHED; I THOUGHT THERE WOULD A SCAB FOLLOW!" The Restaurant April cooking team seems to be percolating along just fine, and Dale even notes that the four of them have a rapport that makes it easy for them to work together. On the opposite side of that, an Allyson Hannigan look-a-like server brings in an order that is requesting "all vegetarian." Sara starts to ask her a question, and Hung sticks his head in, jabbering a suggestion. Sara shushes him loudly and goes back to asking the server her question. I guess that's exemplifying how Quatre doesn't work together. Oh, Misdirected Editing, you scamp(i)!
Padma, Ted, and Chef Zakarian walk into Quatre and Ted theatrically notes the name change. Dale seats them and presents them with Stephen. Ted doesn't like Dale's short-sleeve tee-shirt and jeans: "He looks like he's working at Dennys." Man, between that comment and the other one from the Corkmasters, Denny's is never going to sponsor this show. Stephen sabers some Champagne and Padma squeals. Oh, right -- Stephen's antics would be totally new to her! More diners arrive, including Sara N. and Joey for Quatre and Lia and Camille for Restaurant April. I was all excited to see them but their presence amounted to nothing more than a surprisingly catty comment from Joey about Howie's food.
Brian scampers to the kitchen and announces, whistling, "Hey! Hey! Hey! Lia and Camille are two of our guests! YEAAAAAAH!" I want to record Brian's "YEAAAAAAH" and make it a ringtone. Dale tries to give out the same information a bit more subtly, saying, "Table seven is VIP, you guys." "I told you ALL are VIP!" Sara snaps. "Um, it's Sara and Joey," Dale says quietly. Sara stares back at him, dawning comprehension and a sweetly delighted smile spreading across her face. Aw. "Oh, how cute!" she says and gets back to work. Dale goes over to Hung and tells him, "Table two are Sara and Joey." "Who are Sara and Joey?" Hung asks without looking up. He's so in his own little monkey world. "Sara -- our old competitors," Dale says impatiently. "Oh. Nice," Hung says, still not looking up. Dishes go out and Colicchio still keeps his faithful watch.
In Quatre's dining room, Zakarian bitches about Hung's tuna tartare with egg vinaigrette and niçoise olives, "One thing I dislike on most menus is that everybody has tuna tartare." "It's cliché," Ted agrees. Well, that's just so interesting, Ted, because LAST week, you said the tuna tartare was "very, very delicate, subtle" and "very successful," and you liked it "very, very much" because you thought it was "smart" to do a play on salad niçoise. Granted, Ted Allen could simply be agreeing with the fact that it's cliché for tuna tartare to be on so many menus, but because that is the only comment we get from Ted on the tuna tartare, it's evident that Magical Elves wants us to see that Ted is damning the dish he so highly praised last week. Also, Zakarian should stop worrying so much about his Botox injections and pay attention to the fact that Quatre was supposed to be a contemporary bistro, meaning the dishes they serve are takes on bistro fare. What do you find in bistros? Salad niçoise. What's Hung's tuna tartare attempting to evoke? Salad niçoise.
Dale asks Ted what he thinks of the braised poussin with mint gnocchi and sweet pea purée with hazelnuts and carrots. "I think it's absolutely delicious," Ted announces. "Good, because it was my dish!" Dale reveals in a stage whisper. In the kitchen, Sara examines some of Howie's very purple, very translucent, very squashy lamb. Howie agrees it's too rare and thinks it needs to rest for another minute. Sara disagrees; Howie argues. "Do them over!" Sara finally insists, as Colicchio meanders past. Howie slams an oven shut and Colicchio calmly watches. Dale brings the course out to the judges. Padma will be enjoying Quatre's halibut with braised leeks, grape sauce, red and green grapes, and more leeks. Ted and Zakarian fork away at Padma's dish and praise it. The lamb from last week is back on the menu but instead of a braise, it's a roasted rack and is served with white beans and haricot verts (French green beans). Ted waxes rapturous over the lamb. "It's good," Zakarian nods, understatedly. "It's a Howie dish," Joey tells Sara N. at another table, "It's definitely a Howie dish. Undercooked and undercooked." I thought Howie had problems overcooking things. Also, why so bitter, Joey? Didn't Howie treat you to a bottle of wine? Meanwhile, Stephen passes among the guests, dispensing wine facts and pours. Dale tells us that Stephen has a rep for being an "ostentatious chatterbox." Yeah, but it's not going to hurt your team any. Finally the Quatre desserts come out: panna cotta with fresh berries and the crêpe from last week.
Padma rises, pulling down the hem of her totally gorgeous pale aqua dress that would only look good on someone with a dark skin tone (and I don't mean tanorexic), and leads the judges door to Restaurant April. In the kitchen, CJ announces the judges' arrival. Colicchio sits quietly at the end of a kitchen table, examining his scallop dish. With his knife and fork standing straight up and down, he pulls apart sections of his scallop and peers down at them. Considering that Colicchio does everything but pin the skin back and look for the digestive tract, his meals need to be served on a black wax-lined dissection pan, not a plate.
Tre tells us that in his executive chef capacity, he knew a lot was on the line but he took a really relaxed approach to the challenge. The judges taste the scallop dish and Zakarian praises it. "I loved this dish before," Ted says hurriedly. Note: he didn't admit the same about the tuna tar-çoise. up is the new house-cured salmon with beets and grapefruit suprêmes and a macadamia nut pesto. Tre explains to us that the salmon was cured in beet juice, sugar, salt, toasted fennel, and coriander seeds. I finally took the time to research why this dish of Tre's sounded so freaking familiar. Regardez!: In the citrus Quickfire from the second episode (oh, so long ago), Tre made cold salmon with macadamia nut pesto and crusted his hot salmon with coriander seeds. He did well with it, but I don't think it's a good idea to ever repeat dishes on this show.
Meanwhile, my analysis aside, the judges hate Tre's salmon. Padma makes a repulsed face, and Ted says it's the worst dish he's had in awhile. "The buck stops with the executive chef," Zakarian announces. "He let this come out of the kitchen. I think this is a car wreck in Times Square." Because as a New Yorker, he has to make sure everyone knows he's a New Yorker, so it can't just be a car wreck. It HAS to be in Times Square. Ted swigs on his glass of white wine to rid himself of the salmon taste. up is the chilled carrot-ginger soup with sake and vinegar, and the lobster salad with arugula, cherry tomatoes, and caramelized cauliflower. A diner thinks the lobster is too salty, and we get a kitchen shot of Colicchio taking a final bite of his lobster before standing up to get rid of it. Aw, what a helping boy -- he clears his own plate!
I just had a brainwave. Colicchio got to eat every dish himself. If he were sitting in the dining room with his fellow judges, he would be sharing everything and only getting bites off of each dish. This way, he gets to basically lick all twelve plates and THAT'S why he's in the kitchen. He's not watching, he's gorging!
Casey brings out the seared monkfish with mascarpone-whipped potatoes and beurre blanc. Casey may be the first cheftestant in the history of this show to correctly pronounce "mascarpone." She should win for that alone. (But not really, because she bugs me.) The judges also have the mushroom and gorgonzola-crusted beef tenderloin with the same smoked potatoes. I wonder at the wisdom of keeping those smoked potatoes with that dish. I know they didn't oversmoke them -- because those recriminations would still be ringing in our ears even now -- but it seems to me that just having them on the plate again would forcibly remind the judges about last week's smoketastrophe. Padma notes that her monkfish was overcooked. "I remember the scallop and I remember the soup," Zakarian says. "I don't remember this. It's forgettable." Dude, are you having a senior moment? Your dish still in front of you -- all you have to do is look down. Go on, you know you want to! Remember. Tre himself serves the Granny Smith apple bread pudding with dried cherries, and he reaches out to pour a shot glass of cinnamon and brandy anglaise over each portion. I know Ted Allen really likes the tableside service, but I'm not a fan. It makes me nervous, because I don't know when I'm allowed to pick up my fork and start eating. Like, "Are you done pouring? Okay, great, then I'm gonna -- Oh, you need to shave something now? Okay -- oh, and there's something to grind as well? Yeah, well any time I can start eating my cooling food, just tell me. Any time." The other part that niggles is how much it seems that someone is waiting on me hand and foot. Like, I couldn't have poured that broth myself if told to? What's , you're going to feed me? Finally, there's the feeling of, "You're stupid and you wouldn't know what to do with this cruet of cream, so let me handle it." No one likes the bread pudding. Ted Allen whispers that the apples are undercooked and there's nothing "custardy" about it. A diner announces, "I don't think that I would come back to this restaurant." What if we put you on TV again -- would you come back then?
In the kitchen, Brian breaks the news to Tre that "the bread pudding took some lumps tonight." Dale thinks Quatre's improvement over the hard opening (why does that sound so sexual?) was miraculous. Sweaty and tired, the restaurants collapse to await and analyze their potential fate. Interestingly, Restaurant April believes that everything they sent out was cooked perfectly and Quatre believes that throwing their first concept out and starting over was key. Sara announces that Hung was "fucking awesome today" because he was everywhere and constantly asking her what she needed. "He was like Speedy Gonzales in there," Sara laughs. Can you really see Hung as an executive chef? I almost think his speed and hyperosity makes him a perfect sous. Just as Sara explained, Hung was everywhere, asking what she needed and giving help. I'd think those sort of ADD qualities would be stressful in an executive chef, especially when -- as exemplified by Hung's stunted interaction with Joey -- your thoughts are leaps and bounds ahead of your mouth, making communication difficult. Following Howie's lead, the cheftestants toast each other with keg cups.
Judges' Table. They loved the décor, poussin, and halibut at Quatre. Ted also loved the lamb chops, but Colicchio found the purée "too chunky." Ted then goes on and on about Dale's too-casual mode of dress, and Zakarian agrees. Turning to Restaurant April, Zakarian makes the odd comment, "I felt that there was a real honesty to April that we didn't have in the first restaurant." I have absolutely no idea what he means by that. Padma praises the scallop dish, and Ted says, "That was an interesting example of Tre responding to our critique by simply changing the wording on the menu. That was a terrific dish, I think we all agreed!" Huh? Didn't Boulud say the custard was "curdled-y"? How would a wording change help that?
The graphics last week called the dish "seared sea scallop on corn & black truffle custard." The graphics this week called the dish "seared sea scallop on corn & black truffle custard." So…exactly the same. Now, that's the Bravo graphics, which, as we know, are not trustworthy. The graphics are also done in post-production, so that could be an excuse why, if no changes were really made to the dish, the graphics would be the same across the board. However, if the complaint stemmed from the actual wording on the menu -- something we never saw or had described to us -- then when the server described the dish as, "Seared sea scallop on corn with black truffle custard," last week, he got the dish "wrong" because of how the menu was written. Do you see what I'm saying? The Bravo graphics makes it clear that the custard has both corn and black truffles in it. What the server said/how the menu read made it sounds like the scallop sat on corn and, separately, there was a black truffle custard there as well.
And that's twenty minutes of my life I'll never get back. Basically, we don't know. All we know is that the only complaint came from Boulud calling it "curdle-y," and now Ted deems the whole thing fixed because of the wording.
Ted then broaches the subject of the salmon by saying, "I made the drastic mistake of ordering the salmon." I know you're trying to milk the drama, Ted, my love, but you didn't exactly have a choice in the matter. You're a judge, you had to order it, and everyone -- not just your delicate mouth -- had to taste it. So saying it was a "mistake" isn't relevant. Maybe the other diners made a "mistake" in ordering it, but you did not. Colicchio agrees that the salmon dish was bad and suffered from "one too many ingredients." "It was disgusting," Ted says with finality. All the judges agree that the lobster dish failed, and that the brioche bread pudding wasn't really bread pudding and the apples in it were undercooked. Ted again loved the tableside service when Tre hand-poured the anglaise over the dessert.
Padma saunters to the back and calls back Quatre. Restaurant April is bumming. Lined up in front of the judges, Quatre hears that they are the winning restaurant, and they cheer and cry, and Sara does some sort of whining noise that sounds like air escaping from a balloon when you pull the opening taut. Colicchio gives them props for all their changes, and Zakarian tells Sara she is the winner of the night. In the back, Dale announces that Sara is the winner, and Restaurant April applauds before going before the judges themselves.
Somber, Restaurant April waits for the axe to fall. Colicchio starts off by saying that the service was "too easy" for Brian. He wasn't focused on the details and he wasn't looking at everything that went out. Poor Brian -- last week, he was too hectic and this week, when O'Brian put several Ativans in MALARKEY!'s applesauce, he's accused to being too relaxed. The thing is, I don't really know what Colicchio is talking about. We don't have an example of the consequences of Brian's service being "too easy." The judges go off on the salmon dish for having too many strong elements. Moving to the second course, CJ admits to being responsible for the lobster salad. Colicchio says the dish "just missed" and was too salty. , Casey agrees with the judges that her monkfish was overcooked, but Zakarian wants to beat the dead fish by saying, "When you go to the fish market to buy the fish, the fish is dead, you don't want to kill it again."
Finally, we get to the Insomniac's Bread Pudding. Tre says, "My minimal knowledge of bread pudding -- or pastries at that -- was it's the best effort if I could give at it." But Tre, you did say you could do bread pudding in your sleep. That doesn't really sound like "minimal knowledge." Ted Allen knows they aren't pastry chefs and acknowledges he's not one either, but bread puddings aren't difficult to make. Colicchio wants to know if anyone on the team knows how to make bread pudding. CJ does but he didn't offer to make it because it was Tre's idea; it was Tre's dish. And to keep blame from landing on CJ for being too passive or willing to let Tre take the fall, I will repeat that Tre said HE COULD MAKE IT IN HIS SLEEP. Zakarian wants to know where CJ was and why he wasn't helping his chef with the bread pudding: "Did you taste it?" CJ did and found it a little boring. Casey looks plaintively at the judges as Zakarian goes on that CJ is supposed to be watching Tre's back. CJ looks over at Tre, hoping for some understanding. Colicchio brings up the fact that CJ hand-picked his team, "What happened?" CJ doesn't know what happened because he thought their food was good and that they did a good job. Colicchio points out, "The other team took the soft opening, took the criticism and really, sort of stepped up, where you guys didn't act like chefs." Padma excuses them while they debate some more.
In the back, Restaurant April tells Quatre what the judges thought about their hard opening versus Quatre's.
Colicchio thinks Restaurant April suffered from overconfidence, and he just didn't see an intensity in the team. Ted thinks there was no leadership on the team and sort of generally blames everyone. Taking each cheftestant in turn, Ted harps on the awful salmon -- it's getting so I almost wish I could have tasted the dish just to see how bad it was -- and Zakarian attacks CJ for not having Tre's back. Speaking of backs, what's on yours, Zakarian? Let's discuss the polo shirt first. It's striped and looks like you belong on the S.S. Minnow. That's pretty bad, but what makes it worse is that you are wearing a blazer over it. A blazer over a not-ical polo shirt? And you all were going off on Dale's attire? I don't think I agree with New York Magazine that Zakarian is one of the most beautiful New Yorkers. I mean, I don't live in New York, but judging by the people I know in that city, there are way prettier people than him knocking around. And they don't look like they styled their hair with a delicate balance of silver shoe polish and Brylcreem. Ted wonders if CJ abdicated responsibility because he didn't want to be in the hot seat or because he knew Tre would do it better. I think that because we know -- and the judges should know -- that CJ is a personal chef with less experience (if any) at being an exec chef than Tre, it's pretty obvious he did what he did for the good of the team. Ted brings up the fact that while Dale did both FOH and made a dish, Brian didn't contribute any such thing. Finally, Colicchio reminds us how they disliked Casey's monkfish.
After the commercials, Colicchio once again tells each cheftestant why they suck. He does the same thing Every. Damn. Week. It needs a word or a term. There's a long pause and Padma tells Tre he's going home. CJ totally swallows hard and seems to bite back emotion. To us, Tre takes it all in stride. He knew that by being executive chef he was offering himself up for sacrifice if it all went awry. In the back, Tre announces his departure. The other chefs seem too stunned to really react. Brian tells us he thought Tre was going to be one of the last chefs there, because he is one of the best chefs in the house. CJ sadly tells us that he's really sorry to see Tre go, but notes that Tre took his dismissal "as a man." CJ hugs Tre and says, "I'm sorry." Tre turns to everyone and says, "Enjoy yourselves," before walking off into the sunset of their applause. Sara and Casey seem to be crying. Tre packs his knives and tells us, "They couldn't peg CJ for being in low production and not of much help, but if an executive chef can't lead a team to success, then that executive chef is the flaw." Tre thinks he now has enough knowledge to open his own restaurant and be successful at it.
week: We get a BYE! Just so Bravo can drag this season out even more!