By Keckler
NOOOOOOOOOOOO! Seriously? CJ? Cancer Boy? Is gooooone? He packed up his Testicle of Triumph and his eighty-inch frame and he LEFT the hangar! That's it. I am SO done with this season.
For the Quickfire, a decidedly stoned Padma arrives at Top Chef Towers, wakes everyone up, and orders them all to make breakfast for her munchies. (Note that she whips the covers off Casey, but doesn't dare do that to any of the guys for fear of being exposed to morning wood. Although with Dale, she would have been safe. Probably.) Hung, who shatters a bottle of truffle oil in his prepping spazitude, ends up winning the Quickfire by convincing the whirly-eyed Padma that she really does like steak and eggs. After all that is over, the cheftestants are so excited to learn that they're leaving Miami for New York until they realize that one of them will not be leaving Jersey.
See, for the Elimination Challenge, the cheftestants will be cooking first class in-flight meals for flight attendants, the judges, and Tony Bourdain in the beautiful Newark Airport kitchens. Love. Ly. Casey, Hung, and Dale -- even though he TOTALLY miscalculated and gypped one of his customers out of his airplane reheated meal -- are called back as the top three, and Casey wins the challenge along with first-class Continental airline tickets to anywhere in the world.
At the bottom are CJ, Brian, and Sara, and, after being told that his broccolini dish was the worst thing Colicchio had put in his mouth in three years of Top Chef -- something I'd choose to dispute had Colicchio's dream of being a WWI flying ace with that ridiculous leather jacket and Kevin James Kangol hat while wearing sockless, leather SLIDES not made me poke my inner eye out -- CJ is heartbreakingly sent home. DAMMIT, BRAVO! You're making me come up with jokes in the "bawl" vs "ball" genre, and it's not gonna be pretty!
Sob -- I'll miss you, CJ.
We're pretty lucky that our local bar is Absinthe on Hayes. After our first visit --where our wrists were nearly sprained flipping through the pages of the massive cocktail book -- we knew this was our new watering hole. The guys at Absinthe champion old, forgotten cocktails, and excel at inventing new ones. Pouring myself into Absinthe's tender ministrations, I experienced my first Aviation, and the following is a take on their recipe.
Aviation Cocktail2 oz. gin (I've now tried Citadelle and Plymouth, but still prefer Gin 209 or Hendrick's)
1 oz. grapefruit juice
2 dashes maraschino liqueur
Lime wedge
The Shake:
In a cocktail shaker filled with ice, combine the gin, grapefruit juice, and maraschino liqueur. Shake hard and fast and strain into a cocktail glass. Serve with the lime wedge as garnish.
Soothing, dawnzer-spreading-lee-light music plays as morning breaks and blackbirds speak. "See, they really are asleep! Really and truly! They aren't already miked -- no they aren't!" shots of all the cheftestants. CJ moves an arm, and Sara buries her head in her motel blanket. Grinning, Padma creeps into Top Chef Towers and tiptoes around. Ten bucks said she tripped and crashed through several doors before they had to reshoot the whole scene. Padma opens the door to Sara and Casey's room and gallops in, bellowing, "GOOD MORNING!" She pulls the covers off Casey and tickling may have been involved, but I wouldn't know because I was far too worried that Casey slept in the altogether and had thrown the back of my pale Victorian hand across my eyes, shrieking, "BAD NAKED! BAD NAKED!" And because the guys clearly slept through the girl-on-girl tickle session in the room, Padma creeps over to one of their rooms, stands in the middle of the room, and announces, "Good morning!" I have an idea that a , quickly scuttled take had Padma rashly whipping the covers off most of the guys and being exposed to several prominent sights. CJ tells us, "To my delight, and absolute glee, I was awakened gently and, you know, very tenderly by Padma." In the bedroom, CJ lunges for Padma and grabs at her, saying, "My has dream come true!" Padma shrieks and giggles. Aw. "I mean, the sun shines brightly," CJ tells us, "but I think Padma might shine even brighter than that." Padma grins, "I have a surprise for you." "Ohhh," a knit-capped MALARKEY! says sleepily and then cackles suggestively. "In the other room," Padma adds. "Surprises are…" MALARKEY! says, trailing off as he tries to remember what Brian told him about surprises. "Maybe she made us breakfast," Hung says as he, Brian, and Dale crawl out of bed. "I heard she can cook," Dale adds. Hee. Dale tells us that the other cheftestants (read: the other MALE cheftestants) were excited to see Morning Becomes Padma, but all his gay self could think of was, "Breakfast challenge. I know it." Aw, poor Dale.
Sure enough, a large area of Top Chef Towers has been turned into a Quickfire space with tables of food and cooking stations. Padma, the only judge for this Quickfire, explains that they have twenty minutes to make her breakfast using the product-placed blender. Padma starts the clock and everyone runs -- barefoot mostly -- around the small area. Hung says they all "scattered like roaches." The only vermin I see in this scene is you, Mr. I Didn't Drop the Truffle Oil Except That I Totally Did. Sure enough, just as Hung dashes away from a counter, a bottle of oil falls and smashes on the hard floor. Casey explains it was already dangerous with all of them running around such a small area, but it was then compounded by Hung knocking over the glass bottle of oil. Hung tells us, "I did not spill the truffle oil. If I did, I apologize, but I don't think I did. I'm not here for anybody else. I'm here to cook and I don't really care what anybody else is doing, I'm focused on myself. Every day: push, push, push." He sounds like a woman in labor. Maybe we should jam a big needle in his spine?Dale tells us he ran an award-winning brunch place in Chicago for four years, but their breakfasts took four hours to prep, not twenty minutes. They also didn't have to cook on a butane burner. Surprise, surprise -- the pushy Hung doesn't have time for breakfast in his normal life, but he's doing steak and eggs because it's a "very traditional American breakfast." And in Hung-speake, "traditional" means "peasant-class," "common," "average," and "equal to the slop given to pigs who don't know any better." Hung is using his product-placed blender to make a papaya, banana, and honey smoothie with condensed milk and Grand Marnier. Oooh, think Jamba Juice would go for that recipe? Actually, the idea of condensed milk and Grand Marnier makes chunks rise in my throat. Hung admits that the alcohol was "for Padma." Sure, because everyone likes to be drunk AND high in the morning. Nothing else gets me out of bed, really. Sara laughs to us, "Padma is the judge for this Quickfire challenge. I mean, we know she likes alcohol and we know she likes mascarpone cheese." Wait, just HOW do they know that Padma likes alcohol? (Keckler likes alcohol tooooo!) Has Mary Jane Baker demonstrated her love for alcohol to the cheftestants? Sara then gets serious and tells us, "And she also likes healthier food, like whole-grain products and stuff like that." So Sara made her a vodka, mascarpone, and brown rice smoothie, right? Sadly, not. She made an Eggs in the Hole (a.k.a. Bull's-eye), where the "hole" is in French toast, and the "toast" is multi-grain. I think that makes it Oeuffing in the Grainy Hole. Casey makes a savory French toast with a fried egg and salsa. Additionally, Casey, who went to the Shannen Doherty School of Pronunciation, is using her "blin-der" to puree up an unappetizing pale brown salsa. Casey dramatically careens across the floor, and since the camera moves away from her, she screams, "Whooooooa!" The camera predictably snaps back to her. CJ cautions, "Watch out for oil on the floor, Casey," as Casey makes a big show of flapping her flip-flops on the floor, wiping them off. I'll forgive CJ's mispronunciation of "crêpes" only because his patter is so cute. He says he made the crêpes because, "I know women love crêpes. For some reason, you guys just have this THING with crêpes and I don't know why, I don't care to know why, I don't question it." Hee. So, in case you didn't catch that, CJ is making crêpes.
Oh, it's time for The Brian Show: Now with More MALARKEY! Brian says, "It's kind of crazy" -- too easy -- "because there's only six of us now." I know he's talking about cheftestants, but part of me is convinced he's talking about personalities. Brian goes on that it's "going-for-it time." I imagine O'Brian wondering, "What time is it?" He's about to check his watch, but MALARKEY! interrupts, "IT'S GOING-FOR-IT TIME!" and then grabs some Millers because he's really confused. Time ticks down and the cheftestants curse and plate.Padma calls time, and Casey raises her hands above her head and sighs, "Oh, good morning, Padma!" MALARKEY! gives a guttural "Yeuaaah!" while squatting and clasping his arms between his legs. Yeah, I don't know either. It was sort of like a constipated quarterback waiting for the hike. CJ presents his date, blueberry, and mascarpone "shake" along with his crêpe with almond whipped cream and strawberries. Padma tastes and likes. CJ tells us he knew Padma liked his dish: "Like I said, I had girl power. If there were another Spice Girl, it would be Crêpe Spice." Sure, and she'd drape herself in a big poncho. Sex-y. Sara starts to tell Padma about her French toast with eggs and prosciutto, turning to CJ to ask what her dish is called. "Egg in a hole," he tells her. Padma yums over the maple syrup in the dish. We already know what Casey's dish is, but she also added some suprêmed segments of Florida grapefruit, and calls her blended salsa "chunky." It looks pretty smooth to me. Padma wonders if Casey cooks brunch at home a lot. Casey demurs that she doesn't really cook at home and there isn't much in her refrigerator. Moving on to Hung, Padma admits that she is not a steak and eggs fan, but his steak and eggs with toasted baguette, mushroom, and Drunkie Happie Smoothie changed her mindie.
Dale made a breakfast I would kill for. His green apple, ham, and onion frittata is topped with mustard hollandaise. MAKING IT NOW! Oh, god -- Brian (having lost the battle with MALARKEY!), has once again dived into the saltwater depths of seafood and presents a lobster and butter poached egg (butter poached egg?! My arteries are hardening just thinking about it), but to get the Full MALARKEY! I'll have to transcribe for my pretties: "WHAT WE HAVE HERE IS I DID A LOBSTER AND BUTTER-POACHED EGG WITH A LITTLE BIT OF A RED ONION AND A THYME-LEMON WITH SOME SMOKED SALMON KIND OF A SAUTÉ. ON TOP OF THAT YOU HAVE SOME KALAMATA OLIVES WITH SOME GRAPE TOMATOES, A LITTLE EXTRA-VIRGIN OLIVE OIL. UM, RIGHT HERE WE HAVE THE BLACKBERRY, RASPBERRY, AND BANANA SMOOTHIE." The funniest part is that throughout the never-ending story explanation, Padma just keeps saying, "Uh-huh." After sipping the smoothie, she wonders what the seeds are. "THAT WOULD BE THE BLACKBERRIES," MALARKEY! mutters. "You might've done to…strain it," Padma stones. Seriously, the woman is baked tighter than Sara's French-toast-hole thing.
Padma asks if the cheftestants enjoyed the challenge. They all did. "Except for when Hung broke the oil," CJ says. Okay, so that might have been a bit of a tattle, but come on -- Hung was clearly not admitting it. Not after he did it, and not in the interviews. He deserved to get called on that shit, considering his other bouts of breakage and attempt at a Casey fillet. Padma gives them all props and slowly muses over her favorites, Hung and Sara. However, her winner is the one who "really used the blender to make something, uh, hit all parts of my palate." (I was so scared she was going to say something other than "palate.") Hung the Break-Away Boy is the winner. Hung bows and applauds himself. That's the first QF Hung has ever won. Dale tells us, "You know, I would probably pick the winner if they put booze in a smoothie, but I think it was less about the smoothie and more about Padma liking steak and eggs for the first time." Hee -- I don't know if Hung's so happy with his win when he learns that he won "one of the first copies" of Padma's new cookbook, Tangy, Tart, Hot, and Sweet. Padma's VO takes over: "I tasted and tested hundreds of recipes in order to put it together." The Real Padma says, "Hopefully, you'll like the recipes and maybe even collaborate with me on some of the new ones." Hung's brain screams, "OH GOD NO!" but his mouth says, "Yeah, that would be awesome." Padma says they'll have to wait a little longer for the Elimination Challenge, but she can tell them that it's time to bid Miami goodbye, because they are flying the hell outta there that afternoon. And this is where Padma really shows her toked colors. She calls Hung to come up and get his book (he had been reluctant to claim it until now) and when Hung steps away, Padma belatedly says (as he tries to scamper away), "And also, Hung! I'm going to give you these tickets…I want you to pass them out to all your colleagues…and I'll see you all later…" Padma stomps away -- she really does stomp! It's all wide-legged and drug-weird -- and as the cheftestants applaud, she turns back and gives them a delighted smile. (She doesn't know that they're not clapping for her Stonedhenge performance, but more for the stack of plane tickets.) Hung passes out tickets, which seem to have only their names immediately viewable under the flap, and when all the cheftestants have their tickets, they count down, open the flaps, rustle through the tickets, pull out a sheet of folded paper, unfold the folded paper, read, and scream. Seriously? How drawn-out can you get? …Oh, even more so, because there's a commercial break.After the break, the cheftestants are still screaming because they are going to NEW YORK! Wait, New York? That's sort of a letdown. I mean, it's a great place and all, but I was thinking more along the lines of Bahamas! Puerrrrto Rrrrrico! CUBA! Oh, my god -- can you imagine MALARKEY! in Cuba? He'd be smoking loud cigars, quoting Che (but confusing him with Hemingway), and trying to visit Castro, screaming, "NO, YOU GUYS? WE GOTTA COOK FOR CASTRO! SERIOUSLY!" All in that Panama hat. CJ admits that he's never been to New York. Randomly, he's never been to New York but he told Eat LA that he'd been to Amman, Jordan. How does that work? Of course, back in Boston we had these friends who insisted on vacationing only in Third World countries. Admirable? Probably. Depressing and dangerous? Definitely. The cheftestants are excited to pack up and go. The Brians tell us, "We're all gonna miss Miami." Yeah, O'Brian is especially sad to be leaving the beaches behind. He's been crying in the bathroom ever since they got their tickets. The Brians go on, "The people, it's a really nice, relaxed atmosphere out here. Le Fon-tain-BLOO, our amazing penthouse apartment, the view is absolutely breathtaking and every one of my fellow chefs, we've formed a nice relationship. [Rambling!] We really enjoyed our time here together. [All four of the Brians.] We kept each other sane amongst the chaos of Top Chef. [As always, 'sane' is a relative word where the Brians are concerned and actually means, 'We kept six other personalities in check while in Miami.'] But much as we love Miami, we ALL really want to go enjoy the fine cuisine of New York City." Yes, Brians, you all do.
Before they get to the fine cuisine of New York, however, they have to cook in New Jersey. And I'm not talking about tomatoes, either. The Brians step off the airplane in half-Elvis glasses and see -- wait, back up. We need to discuss dress code here. I'm no Go Fug Yourself, but what's with Dale wearing a knit vest over a lime green button-down like it's the first day of school for faux hawks? And CJ's tree-growing-from-the-neck tee-shirt is oddly familiar but also sort of weird. And the Brians' half-Elvis shades paired with the Panama make him look like an understudy for Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. Anyway, the motley crew exits the plane and is faced with a TOTALLY STONED Padma. Did you get a look at those puffy eyes? And the not-blinking thing? She's hysterical and I totally want to party with her. I think I'd just stick her in a chair in the middle of the room and make her talk. Padma welcomes them to Newark and informs them that in order for them to be allowed on the island of Manhattan, they first have to cook their asses off in Newark. "Very nice," Casey says, putting on her bitchface. Padma says they'll be checking into a "nearby" (read: crap-airport-where-the-blankets-are-the-same-as- the-ones-in-Miami) hotel, and then the day they'll show up in the airport, "where everything will be revealed." "Get some rest and we'll see you tomorrow," Padma advises. "Thank you," Dale says politely. CJ is bummed, and tells us monotonally, "Stop the press. No more fun. Not going to New York. You're certainly won't have any pizza. You're in NEWARK Airport." Come on -- I'll bet they have a California Pizza Kitchen! ["Heh, good one. …No. Sbarro or bust, baby." -- Sars]
"Get some rest," Padma repeats, and then does the oddest thing -- she puts her hand to her mouth and singsongs, "You'll need it!" I can just imagine the conversation with the cameramen:
Padma: "No, wait, I'm gonna do, like, one of -- what're they called -- Mad Libs?"
Cameraman: "Ad libs?"
Padma: "Yes! Ad libs! But mine will be seven-minute ads, because I'm so toned like the model person I am. Wait, here I go --"
Hence, the sing-songy weird thing.
The cheftestants are all bummed at being so close to New York, yet so far away, Continental Airlines gets tons of much-needed product placement, and the morning, the cheftestants arrive at a hangar. Wearing hair -- well, they're not quite nets, they're more like motel shower caps made out of tissue paper -- the cheftestants show up at a large, very large, extremely large kitchen. Those "keep your arms in or risk grievous elbow injury" carts are everywhere, and Padma has artfully arranged her hair bag to allow for some jet-black locks to escape and attractively frame her face. And in keeping with this week's theme, Padma is wearing the top half of Amelia Earhart's flight suit as a jacket. It's all buckles and straps and weathered canvas. Padma reminds the cheftestants how much airline food sucks, but nodding to the guy to her, adds, "THESE guys have been working on their product with their very own congress of chefs to give it a very serious upgrade." First of all, these sorts of "upgrades" only apply to the fat cats who get to sit in first class, which is enough of an upgrade with the bigger seats, the better bathroom, and the Champagne, so they don't really need the food. Second of all, "congress" of chefs, Padma? Who gave you word-a-day toilet paper? Because if it's the same person who gave it to Tom "Top Side" Colicchio last week, I'm going to suspect a vocab-spiracy. For the Elimination Challenge, the cheftestants have to devise a "delicious restaurant-quality hot entrée," for Continental's "business-first service." They have two hours to cook, after which they have to pack up their food in those funny-bone-assassinating carts, and then serve their slop to the judges and "a group of travel experts."
The Brians -- confusingly dressed as Frank Buck from Bring 'Em Back Alive with that large khaki shirt -- tell us that they've never had the opportunity to have a good meal on a plane because they've never sat "in front," and so have had to subsist on peanuts, pretzels, and stale bread. Wait, he gets stale bread, too? I think I need to change airlines. Actually, for a few years now I carry my own food on, and lentil salad is one of my staples.
Provençal Lentil Salad
1 lb steamed lentils (Trader Joe's sells some that are pre-steamed and cryo-vac'd, which are perfect for this recipe, because they hold their shape and absorb all the flavors deliciously well)
Juice from 1 lemon
1 tablespoon Dijon mustard
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
3-4 tablespoons good olive oil
3 pinches dried herbes de Provence
2 garlic cloves, minced
2 stalks celery, sliced
1/2 cup pitted Kalamata olives, roughly chopped
1 tablespoon minced flat-leaf parsley
1. Put the cooled, cooked lentils in a large bowl, and in a smaller bowl whisk the lemon juice, mustard, salt, pepper, and olive oil together. Pour over the lentils, add the herbes de Provence and mix well with a rubber spatula. Add the garlic, celery, olives, and parsley and chill in an airtight container until ready to serve.
2. Allow the lentils to come to room temperature before serving. This will bring out all the flavors that were deadened by the cold. The time between putting them in your carry-on and actually being allowed to get them out in-flight is a perfect amount of time. If you're not flying, set the bowl out at least an hour before serving.
Padma continues with the terms. Hung, the QF winner, gets to choose his protein first and once he does choose it, he's the only one who gets to use that protein. Padma then turns the cheftestants over to Gerry McLoughlin, Executive Chef of Continental Airlines, who gives them a tour and further instructions. Chef Gerry shows them a spread of food "as [the] passengers see it on board the aircraft." That's crap! None of those dishes are squeezed into those little divided trays and then wrapped in tinfoil! Are you telling me first class doesn't even have to contend with drippy tinfoil showering your lap with cooking condensation? Bollocks. Bitter, bitter bollocks. I think I was served those once on Northwest. Chef Gerry then pulls out the segmented trays and explains that the food is placed in the trays in way that makes it easy for the flight attendants to reassemble and serve. Hung explains to us that their protein, starch, and veg all have to go into the same tray and be heated at the same temp for the same amount of time. Chef Gerry shows them the height restrictions they have with the food sliding into the elbow-murdering carts. They have about two inches of clearance. The ovens on the airplane will be preheated; right before serving, the cheftestants will have to reheat their pre-cooked meals for at least ten minutes. Chef Gerry wishes them luck and leaves them to it.
Hung grabs Chilean sea bass and announces that he's also using shrimp for sauces. Does that mean no one else can use shrimp? Hung explains to us that sea bass is "a really oily fish -- it's thick, it's moist, it's really hard to dry it out." Dale thinks peppercorn-encrusted beef filet is the way to go, CJ chooses halibut for its "buttery" quality, and the Brians choose New York strip steak and want to make a spiny lobster (OF COURSE!) and purple potato hash. As the cooking gets underway, the Brians look for a ricer, CJ looks for a can opener, and the cheftestants tell us that no one knew where anything was in this strange kitchen. Colicchio shows up for his Sniff 'n' Sneer and listens to the Brians babble about burner-hogging, and then tells Hung he has never ordered fish on a plane. Yeah, as much as I love fish, I have seen Airplane! way too many times to order it in-flight. Hung fast-talks about how the sea bass won't dry out and whines that people keep moving his pans. Stepping over to CJ, Colicchio learns that CJ's very excited about the airplane food. Why? "Well, first of all, I get to wear this hat," CJ explains. Hee. Moving around to the other cheftestants, Colicchio learns that they all know that having to heat everything at the same time is the big hurdle to deal with in this challenge. Casey's making veal medallions and cauliflower gratin. Ooh, I mean, I love me some cauliflower (ROASTED!) but on a plane? Better give everyone a shot of Beano as a digestif. Another friend of fish, Sara is doing salmon with a leek and tomato fondue. (Note: "Fondue" in this case is a French term that has to do with vegetables being chopped and turned all melty-saucey by a long, slow cooking process.) Colicchio brags to Dale, "I've had some excellent meals in first class." Dale agrees that good food can be done on a plane. Yeah, when you're in FIRST CLASS!Colicchio steps to the end of the kitchen and notes, "They're having a tough time in the kitchen. There seems to be a limited amount of space, everybody seems to be trying to get on the stove at the same time. Behind that cool exterior, some of them are really starting to crack right now." Colicchio thinks the cheftestants who chose meat will be better off, since fish can dry out in an instant. "But really," Colicchio concludes, "if good food goes into that box, good food should come out of that box." Right. It's just that easy.
Time ticks down, and the Brians wonder where CJ is and if he's packing up his cart the way the rest of them are. The Brians tell us they are worried about CJ at this time, and note that Hung was cleaning his knives. Dale tells us, "No matter what, you don't let the person to you go down. Even though this is a competition, I want to have my dish be evaluated to someone's whose is complete and doesn't lose it on a technicality. At this point I'm starting to realize that Hung is not a team player, I think that's wrong, I think it shows no integrity. There's much more to being a chef than just a pretty plate that tastes good." Meanwhile, Casey has asked if CJ needs her help, while Hung shrugs to us, "CJ never asked for my help, so I'm cleaning my station." I had a flash of Hung lying on the floor bleeding from a barbecue fork wound and CJ shrugging, "Hung never asked for my help, so I'm cleaning my station." Time's up and as the buzzer goes off, the cheftestants hold their hands high above their heads. Whatever CJ's issues were, all of the cheftestants seem to have gotten all their dishes safely in the carts.
A large hangar door opens and the sun shines in behind the shadowed cheftestants as they walk in. You can almost hear the soundtrack from The Right Stuff. Standing, like, REALLY far back from the judges (in order to get a long shot of the 777 Boeing jet?), the cheftestants are introduced to guest judges Tony Bourdain and Jimmy Canora. Who is Jimmy Canora? Well, I'm glad you asked, because apparently he's "of the Continental Congress of Chefs." And now we know where Padma got her vocab, so it wasn't toilet paper after all. Probably. Also, "Continental Congress"? Hee! Padma introduces the aforementioned "travel experts," and in march a long line of flight attendants. Excuse me, elite flight attendants. The Brians excitedly wave -- count 'em! -- four times at the elite flight attendants. He's going to need some Excedrin after all those Brian changeovers.
The cooking begins with the Brians and Dale. Dale takes over one galley, the Brians another. Dale wrestles with various doors, while the Brians worry over their "package" being "tightened just right" in order for it to "fit in there just right." Ahem. Brian calls CJ in for some service help and then distributes his New York strip steak with purple Peruvian potato and lobster hash. Given my delicate stomach, I don't think I'd ever want to eat anything, you know, purple on a plane. I'm just saying, you have to look at that shit when it comes up again. The judges comment about the size of the serving, which Bourdain tells us was "Fred Flintstone on a plate -- like a Brontosaurus Burger." One shot we get does make the steak appear to be about three inches thick and seven inches long. Colicchio comments that the lobster is overcooked. "Yeah, I didn't even know what it was," Bourdain mutters. Brian TOLD you it was lobster -- what kind of chef are you?! Meanwhile, they managed to get Colicchio's whole ensemble in this shot -- from the top of his Kangol hat to the bottom of his leather shoes. And you know what? I don't just see Colicchio skin in those shoes, I see Colicchio heel. The man is wearing leather slides. SLIDES! Is he, like, allergic to socks? And I thought that espadrilles or huaraches would be the worst it could get this season. Meanwhile, I'm happy to note that if we have to see Colicchio heel, at least it's clear he owns a pumice stone. Padma comments to Congressman Continental that her steak is overcooked.
Casey helps Dale plate and serve his steak au poivre with shiitake demi-glace and "melted" leeks and asparagus. He also has some poached shrimp -- guess others could use shrimp, after all -- with zucchini and celery as a side. The congressman tells Padma, "The demi-glaze is very rich." "I know," Padma says, annoyed. Bourdain thinks there's too much pepper on the steak for the "average customer." He admits that he personally likes it, but adds a dramatic cough to express how aggressive the pepper is. Most unfortunately, one elite flight attendant is left without a serving because, as Dale admits to us, he miscounted his portions.
, Hung and Sara hit the fore and aft galleys, and Hung is predictably -- as we used to say in eighth grade -- "high on himself" and his dish. CJ happily helps Sara plate her dish, and Sara worries about the varying temps on her cooked salmon. She presents her fennel and coriander-dusted salmon with leek fondue, steamed spinach, and fig couscous. The elite flight attendants like the dish, but Bourdain and Colicchio gripe about the overcooked salmon. Casey makes sure to mention that she helped Hung because Hung asked her, so of course she was going to help him. Of course. Methinks thou dost affirm too much! Hung brings out his seared sea bass with an herb-tomato sauce, baby squash, and onions. Everyone, including Bourdain and Colicchio, loves the dish. Hung tells the other cheftestants, "I think it tasted fucking awesome."
With the Brians' collective (he's totally Brian of Four!) help, CJ gets out his dish. CJ admits to us that he is a bit worried about how dark his broccolini turned out. Interesting fact I learned: broccolini, which is a hybrid of broccoli and Chinese kale, is a trademarked name. Ergo: "Broccolini." CJ presents his pan-seared halibut with toasted farro and mint oil and a side of Broccolini with breadcrumbs and "more mint vinaigrette." "Wow," is all Padma says to her seatmate. I think she's as toasted as CJ's breadcrumbs and really doesn't know if she's supposed to think the dish is good or bad, so she's just waiting for Congressman Jimmy's judgment. "Tough to eat," Jimmy says. Colicchio turns to Bourdain and says, "That is really not good." You gotta love how this bit is captioned because Bravo wants to make damn sure we miss nothing of Bourdain's carefully crafted insults. "They were cleaning Bob Marley's house and they found this in the closet," Bourdain disdains. Colicchio giggles into his leather "flight" jacket. The two of them are like the rowdy boys in the back of the classroom, throwing spitballs, making fart noises, and generally being Beavis and Bourdain. They totally encourage one another. Bourdain goes on that he was "stopped dead in [his] tracks by the first bite with the mint…it's sickening."
Casey's hair in some of these interviews is so over-roll-brushed, it looks like a really, really bad Rachel Green wig. She tells us she was a bit worried about her veal medallions cooking all the way through. Presenting her dish, Casey explains her "very lightly grilled veal medallions" with a cremini apple-brandy sauce and cauliflower gratin made with gruyere. Bourdain and Colicchio have nothing bad to say about this dish, even as Colicchio holds his knife and fork chopstick-style in one hand. What was that about? Congressman Jimmy talks across the aisle to an elite flight attendant about how they would normally stay away from strong vegetables like Brussels sprouts and cauliflower. Padma leans over and adds, "You want to give them something that's gentle on the tummy." She's really hysterical. Casey high-fives Dale in the galley and tells him, "You rock."
Padma thanks all the elite flight attendants for their help, and strides back to coach to tell the waiting cheftestants that the results were "really mixed" and she'll see them at Judges' Table. Casey really wants to get to New York, as does CJ, who says he's talented enough that New York is the place he "should" be.
Judges' Table. After some of the usual preliminaries -- which, gratifyingly, included Bourdain saying that it is really hard to cook on a plane -- the judges talk about all the dishes. They mostly liked Dale's, but note that he didn't plate all the necessary portions; hated Brian's hash specifically and dish overall; loved Hung's sea bass; loved Casey's creative, daring veal; thought Sara's couscous was "scary" and really disliked her salmon; and dump all over CJ's overcooked Broccolini. On that subject, Colicchio opines that CJ's veg never should have been served. Pfft! Like they'd ever let him get away with that! If he hadn't served the Broccolini and explained that it wasn't up to snuff, they'd totally rip him for not making it right in the first place! They're so inconsistent on this show that I just have a hard time taking certain judgments seriously. Bourdain says he's scraped prettier things out of the garbage. He has, you know -- it was a special at Les Halles, "Le Déjeuner des Déchets."
In the back, the Brians say, "So, no matter what happens today, kids, we've all had a good ride." All four of you. "Yeah, it was a pleasure meeting you guys," CJ agrees. "Same here," Sara adds. Hung's just thinking, "Whatever, I don't even remember any of your names. I'm just here to win." Padma calls back Hung, Casey, and Dale. In front of the judges, the three cheftestants are congratulated for having the three top dishes. "Dale," Padma says, "it was deeeelisshhhhous, Dale." Bourdain needs to add that it wasn't "the most creative thing in the world," but it was a crowd-pleaser. Padma asks Dale about the missing serving, and Dale cops to miscalculating his portions and getting the number seventeen stuck in his head when it should have been eighteen. , the Continental Congressman praises Hung's choice of sea bass, before Bourdain heaps praise on Casey's veal dish. The Continental Congressman names Casey the winner, and she gets two round-trip "business-first" tickets to anywhere in the world Continental flies. Niiiice! She can bring her new laptop on the plane! Casey tells us that she knows she was "firmly in the middle" when the competition started, but now she's on a roll and it feels good.
The cheftestants make their way to the back, where MALARKEY! is playing with a chair and muttering, "Good days and bad days on Top Chef." CJ wonders how Bourdain's going to be. "Oh, god -- evil," Sara predicts. Casey arrives to announce her glory and as the three boys -- Dale, Brian, and CJ -- hug her, I note that CJ is the only one to kiss her on the cheek. Hmm. I've always wondered if something could have gone on between those two. I also always thought it was more Casey than CJ, but I guess we'll never know. Casey stands in front of everyone. "And now for some bad news," CJ says. Casey pauses dramatically and comments, "I've never had to do this, um…they need to see everybody [else], I guess." Dale and Casey hug CJ and Brian sympathetically before the two of them and Sara face the judges. Hung, I note, gives Sara a hug and a kiss.
Sara is the first target, and she admits to some cooking inconsistencies with her salmon; however, she really liked her leek fondue. Bourdain comes down on her for the overcooked salmon: "We're talking cat food territory -- that dry." I don't think he knows anything about cat food, because it's anything but dry. In fact, it's disgustingly, horribly wet and gelatinous. Oh, but I forgot, he wouldn't know because only crazy women have cats in Bourdain's world. And if they have one cat, they have a hundred. Padma then comes down on Sara for her flavorless couscous, before turning to CJ. "I don't think mine went very well," CJ admits. "Yeah," Padma retorts, totally in an "Um? Yeah!" tone. "Thank you," CJ responds. Colicchio laughs that CJ's not going to get an argument from them on that score. CJ lists what went wrong -- execution, not enough color on the fish -- and says he didn't do enough Broccolini. Colicchio cannot remain silent on this one and boggles that CJ wanted to do more Broccolini. CJ amends, "I think I needed to do more Broccolini and not cook it as far." Bourdain tells CJ he made a bad decision by even choosing to cook Broccolini in that way, and compounded that bad decision by serving it after he saw what it looked like coming out of the oven. "It was horrifying," Bourdain goes on, "unimaginable that that could be served in any customer situation." Well, imagine this, Bourdain; CJ was forced to serve that Broccolini by the producers and you know it. Bourdain, as usual, oversells his insults to the point of making them ridiculous and easily argued against: "In prison you couldn't serve it, it was wretched." I guess this newfound expertise means we can expect Anthony Bourdain: No Commutations on a Travel Channel near us. CJ blinks but tells Colicchio he doesn't think this is the dish to send him home. However, he is worried. Padma asks Brian why he thinks he's there. "I WOULD SAY THAT MAYBE THE PORTION WAS OVERWHELMING," MALARKEY! steps in to bellow. Colicchio notes that Brian is surprised to be there. "I'm very surprised I'm here, yes," Brian says, in a much more muted tone than MALARKEY! "You're here because that hash was disgusting," Colicchio says, relishing giving him the pure truth. "Really," Brian says, unconvinced. "It was gross," Colicchio assures him. "The lobster had the texture of doll head," Bourdain explains. They're just Mean Boys. However, the image of Bourdain with a mouthful of doll head is pretty hysterical, if not totally disturbing. He must have had doll head on a stick when flying coach on Air Cambodia. Colicchio muffles a giggle as Bourdain lectures Brian on frozen lobster tail. MALARKEY! steps back in: "I KNOW, EVERY TIME I DO LOBSTER I GET BEAT DOWN FOR IT. I LAID OFF FRIED FOOD FOR AWHILE [Padma laughs] AND I DID ALL RIGHT. I'M DONE WITH LOBSTER, GUYS, I'M DONE WITH LOBSTER, ALL RIGHT?" Congressman Continental says that the surf 'n' turf idea was a good one, but it just wasn't well-executed. Colicchio wonders if this is the dish to send Brian home. "NO!" MALARKEY! barks before a Brian change-over to Bryan lowers his voice again: "This is not the dish to send me home, and I'm tired of seeing you guys in these circumstances." He laughs manically to himself and looks down, twitching his head. That was…active. Bourdain smiles at the camera and, man, he's got a bad set of choppers! The cheftestants sweat it out in the back some more while the judges rehash the trash.
Bourdain thinks that Brian "doesn't get it." "It was terrible," Colicchio says, referring to Brian's food, "the dish was bad." After discussing Sara's overcooked salmon, Colicchio goes off on the "horrible couscous." "Okay," Padma says, putting a hand up, almost as if she's saying, "Okay, Colicchio, enough of the hate already." It was sort of a weird moment that got cut too soon.In the back, CJ reasons that the judges aren't assassinating their characters, just saying what they didn't like about the food. He figures they hated his and Sara's the most. Sara agrees that they didn't like her "fig couscous" and said it "sounded like an afterthought." "That's because it really was," Sara shrugs.
The judges move on to CJ; Bourdain says his dish was "beyond help" and rants how CJ never should have served the Broccolini. "That Broccolini was the single worst thing that we've had throughout this entire competition," Colicchio proclaims.
In the back, CJ says, "One of us is going home -- miss you guys, love you."
The losing cheftestants once again stand in front of the judges and silently submit to their recrapping (tm ad infinitum, SeeingI). Colicchio tells CJ that his Broccolini was the "single worst thing [they've] had in three years of the competition." I don't even have the energy to dispute that ridiculous statement, but Sam's watermelon almost made Gail vomit. Hey, where is Gail? I rather miss her bitchy self! ["I don't, but it looks like she's back week regardless." -- Sars] Finally, Padma tells CJ he's not going to New York. She actually looks pretty sad about it, too. Damn. It's been close to a week and I still can't believe he's gone. CJ chokes, "Can I say something?" Padma, her eyes wet, says, "Sure." CJ tells the judges he appreciates the feedback and experience, and he's learned a lot and met a lot of great people. Padma wishes him luck, and CJ leaves without shaking any of their hands. Padma gazes after him, sort of longingly.
In the back, there's very little shock that CJ is going home, and the usual hugs are exchanged. MALARKEY! burbles, "GOOD MEMORIES, GOOD TIMES," before he and CJ man-hug with lots of mutual grunting. In the sad Newark motel room, CJ packs up his knives on a bed that is clearly way too short for him. CJ tells us that the show opened his horizons and he's very much looking forward to what's in his life. He wants to open his own place, and thinks that's for him. "But first," he adds, "I want to sit down and have a beer with Anthony Bourdain and talk shit about my Broccolini." And doll heads! Ask him about the doll heads! Maybe you'll drink beer out of doll heads!
week: The French Culinary Institute does something that makes Hung think he's going to "demoralize" his fellow cheftestants.