By Keckler
DO-OVER! That's right, for the first time in Top Chef history, the "Restaurant Wars" challenge has ended in a stalemate, with no one sent home. Everyone was on the chopping block this week -- even CJ, who won the "Build a Better Burger" Quickfire -- because there are no more Immunities.
With the adorable Chef Daniel Boulud guest judging tonight, the final eight cheftestants split into two teams and open their own "restaurants." CJ, Tre, the Brians, and Casey open the redundant "April," a New American contemporary type of place, and with a totally new (or contemporary?) idea, Howie, Sara M., Hung, and Dale open "Garage," a contemporary American-style bistro. The Brians work April's front of the house with lots of sweat and manic-ality, and for a while, I was afraid he'd be sent home, and that just wouldn't do because I need my MALARKEY! every week. Dale is more competent with his service, but sadly is also responsible for choosing the black tablecloths and shoving vanilla-scented candles up his diners' nasal passages. The food at April wasn't so great, with Tre's oversmoked potatoes, but neither was the food at Garage, with heavy dish after heavy dish and some sticky mushroom risotto.
So, after bringing both teams up on culinary charges, the judges then proceed to scare the pants off the Brians and Dale by calling only the two of them back to judges' table, where they announce that both restaurants get another chance at "opening night." That's right, people: week is "Restaurant Wars, Part Deux: Now With Less Boulud."
You know what? I really enjoyed this episode. I don't know why, given that very little happened. I think I was just so relieved that the Brians were spared from packing up their twenty-nine-piece luggage and going home. Also, we got plenty of tasty MALARKEY! tonight and it was awesome to be so sated.
I kind of love Dale for doing that dance in time to the opening-credits music.
Regarding last week's episode, CJ tells us, "This is the final straw -- Howie's done for us." Meanwhile, in case there was any smidgen of doubt left, Howie reminds us that he doesn't mind being an asshole. Sara M. tells us she's lonely because her (boon-dog? Bonny Doon? Bahn da?) isn't there anymore. Okay, captions illuminates me that Sara's curious word (and one I have now started using every day) is: "bunda," and a lazy Wikipedia search defines this word as "a Portuguese, Bangla, and Haitian-Creole name for backside, bum, posterior, buttocks." So, Sara M. is missing her butt. Sara N. was her butt. She is lonely without her butt. She loved her butt. But now her butt is gone. BUTT!
Walking into the Top Chef kitchens, the cheftestants get an eyeful of a sweetly and somewhat excitedly smiling Chef Daniel Boulud. While CJ is calmly impressed and awed by Boulud's august presence, Hung dorks out with his excessive grinning and bowing. He also looks around to see if anyone else gets who is standing there in front of them. Dale gets it and tells us, "Holy shit -- it's Daniel Boulud!" In jeans and a dark grey tee-shirt, I think Padma is fronting the most casual attire I've ever seen her on this show, and you know what? I think she looks hotter here than when she's all dolled up in silks and spices. Boulud's famous db burger is an orgasmic patty made up of "an exterior of ground sirloin with a filling of boned short ribs braised in red wine, foie gras, black truffle and a mirepoix of root vegetables." You'd think that would be enough, but you'd be wrong, because "[t]he homemade bun is topped with toasted parmesan and layered with fresh horseradish mayonnaise, tomato confit, fresh tomato, and frisée lettuce." I believe I could comfortably die after a burger like that. The cheftestants are NOT told to come up with a burger comparable to Boulud's, but to look at a menu from Red Robin, "the restaurant chain specializing in gourmet burgers," and come up with a "gourmet burger." Boulud shows how truly angelic he is by not walking right off the set when slapped with this ridiculous juxtaposition of his food vs. chain food. And I know that there are three Red Robins in Minnesota, two in Massachusetts, seventeen in Michigan, and sixty-one in California, but I still have never heard of it. (I list all the places I've lived to forestall any emails that might begin with, "Um, Keckler? I went to Harvard and I thought you might want to know that Red Robin is a real thing and…") Okay? I did my research and I still have never heard of it. In-N-Out Burger? I've heard of. Burger Chef, Fat Burger, and ButterBurger -- all familiar to me. Red Robin? Not so much. However, I did check out the RR menu, and after reading their description of their Banzai Burger -- "Marinated in teriyaki and topped with grilled pineapple, Cheddar cheese, lettuce, tomatoes and mayo. Dude, you'll be like, ready to ride the pipeline on O'ahu's North Shore after you chomp on this!" -- my only comment is: SWIMMER CRAMPS!
Chef Boulud says that his $120 burger is very complex, and he's there because it is important to him that they combine the "best of French cuisine with the best of American casual dining." Red Robin is the best of American casual dining? No, no, no! Animal-style or deep-fried apple pies so hot you sear all the bumps off your tongue are the best of American casual dining. Padma drops the bomb that from here on out, a Quickfire win no longer confers Immunity on the lucky cheftestant. The Brians react to this: "When Padma tells us that there will be no Immunity, you just know that the competition has gotten narrowed down far enough that it's uh -- there's no more hidin.'" Oh, God -- who ELSE is he hiding up there?With 30 minutes to cook, the chefs proceed with their Food Flurry. Hung, congenitally unable to be seen and not heard in the kitchen, takes up his usual loud station at a round cutting board, and loudly smacks some raw shrimp with the flat of his loud cleaver. Checking in with the Brians, he tells us about a conversation he had inside his head: "I'm going, 'Man, remember that damn sausage that you made that you won like that Elimination round with? I'll just patty that thing up.'" I sort of have no words for this, because it's already a thing of beauty. Crazy, insane, whackadoo beauty. I'm just glad he asked permission before he used MALARKEY!'s recipe, because dude can be a bitch if he thinks you're stealing his thunder. Casey notes the amount of seafood-based burgers being made around her and promises she's not going to do anything "crazy." She just hopes to make something Chef Boulud will love. Hewing what I would have thought was a little too unoriginally close to Chef Boulud's own creation, Howie puts truffle butter in his burger. Time ticks down, and I don't think I've ever seen the cheftestants appear to be so dangerously incomplete when Padma counts down.
Starting with Hung, who puts his tempura flakes to far better use this week, Chef Boulud and Padma sample a shrimp burger with tempura flakes, a tangy and sweet sauce, and shiitake "bacon." It's not immediately clear what turns the mushrooms into bacon or even "bacon," but I'd sort of like to know. Chef Boulud bites and giggles adorably that the "joosh is running down from [his] mouth." up are the Brians with their sweet chili-glazed scallop, shrimp, and sea bass burger. Chef Boulud decides Brian's burger has too much bread. On the opposite side, Sara M.'s crab burger with citrus rémoulade and an orange and endive salad has no bread, because she just wrapped it in lettuce. Just like Red Robin's Lettuce-Wrapped Protein burger or In-N-Out's Protein style. However, despite those similarities, Chef Boulud doesn't appear to love it. On the other hand, he compliments CJ's scallop mousse and shrimp burger with tangerine for having "good fire." Casey starts to get worried that she didn't go fishing to make her burger. Her ground chuck "patty melt" with Port Salut cheese sits on two square pieces of thick toast with grilled onions. Chef Boulud tastes and moves on. , Tre's surf 'n' turf burger has started a craving in my soul that will not be satisfied until I can find or make this exact burger. Says the man himself: "I got a little petit filet with the horseradish sour cream and I finished it with some white wine-braised tiger shrimp." GET IN MY BELLY! Without commenting on this dream burger, Chef Boulud and Padma move away to Dale, who tells them about his ground tuna and asparagus burger that he dressed up with onions, mustard, and soy sauce, then topped with a fried egg and dosed it all with a mirin and soy aioli. Howie reaches out to shake Chef Boulud's hand before explaining his black truffle beef burger (not pork, Howie?) with Taleggio cheese, tomato, and radicchio. Hm, it's interesting how Howie evoked both the black truffle richness in Boulud's original burger and the bitterness of Boulud's frisée with radicchio. I'd have thought it might be judged as either unoriginal because of the parallels, or too hoity-toity for a Red Robin menu, but Chef Boulud says, "Very good. It's very moist."
Padma gathers everyone back around for Chef Boulud's judgment. After apologizing to both of them individually -- is he the nicest guest judge or what? -- Chef Boulud says that the bottom burgers belong to Tre and Sara M., because their burgers tended more to the sandwich side of things. He does note that Tre's was probably the "most French" in execution, though. It's like he didn't want to criticize anyone for technique or flavor, so he fell back on a technicality. I swear, anyone who says that the French food world is full of snobby assholes needs to watch this show, because all the French guest judges -- Hubert Keller, Eric Ripert, and Daniel Boulud -- have been The Nicest of all the judges. The French ones have also have been the most decorated chefs to appear, while the bitchier ones -- Chefferson and Yakura with the scary Mohawk -- aren't even great chefs in their own right. Boulud's top picks are Howie, CJ, Dale, and "'Ung." To "'Ung" he says, "I like the fire you put into your work, but I also like the fire you put into your food." Boulud then grants CJ his first Quickfire win, and while CJ doesn't get Immunity, he does get to pick his team for the Restaurant Wars Elimination Challenge. Hee -- when Padma reminds him his win doesn't get him Immunity, CJ says blandly, "Yes, I'm excited about that." After telling us that being able to choose his team is "humongous!", CJ notes there are certain people he works well with (cut to Tre) and certain people he hasn't worked so well with (cut to Howie). For his restaurant team, CJ immediately chooses Tre, Brian, and Casey. In that order. The left-behinds look disheartened, and Hung comments that both Howie and Sara (I guess I don't have to use her last initial anymore) are hotheaded people. And you're a spaz person.Padma leads the cheftestants to some raw restaurant spaces within the Top Chef compound and shows them how the spaces connect to the kitchens. Giving them thirty minutes to devise their restaurant concept, Padma also announces that each team member must take on one of four specific roles: head chef, sous chef, design, and front-of-house. Oddly, of that entire list, "design" is the one word that clearly got redubbed. Like, Padma couldn't get "design" -- a two-syllable word -- right? The day, they will shop for everything, using $700 for food and $2500 for tableware and décor.
The teams break off to plan and choose roles. Howie suggests "a French-influenced, American contemporary, bistro-style," and then determines that they should have a risotto course. So…wouldn't that be more Italian than French? ["Um, I'm pretty sure he was spelling it 'riseautteaux,' Keckler. Hee." -- Sars] CJ takes control of his team and designates Brian as front-of-house (he knows the Brians can handle being server, busboy, and maître d' all at once), Tre as head chef, Casey as "manager person of the overall look," and takes the role of sous chef for himself. Tre is cool with his job because he is an Executive Chef in real life. CJ's team agrees to name the restaurant "April" after CJ's sister. Aw. The other team is also deciding on names. "Ambrosia!" Hung says, breathless with his own brilliance. Dale, however, suggests they go with a totally "bizarre" name, and they all agree on "The Garage." Dale has a lot of front-of-house experience, and suggests that he and Hung be FOH with Howie and Sara in back. Sara announces she wants to be head chef. "Fair enough," Howie says, and tells us he wasn't going to fight her on it because "this is a war of attrition, you only win by making it to the round. And we need to get along in this situation for our team to be successful." Too bad he's never had that team attitude before.The day, the teams prepare. The Brians tell us that they are sneaking a suit into the restaurant in order to look more the part of a GM. He whispers conspiratorially to the cameras in his bedroom, "We're pulling out the big guns to blow them out of the water." Does anyone else think he'd be whispering the same thing even if the cameras weren't in the room? Tre thinks that the Garage team's composition of Howie, Sara, Hung, and Dale is a "real big mix, right there," so he thinks they're going to lose. He giggles. Dale seems to be a bit worried about his team's makeup as well, because he tells us that they are all stubborn and headstrong. Brian and Casey and Dale and Hung head over to Pier 1 for decorations, and everyone else tackles the groceries. CJ tells us he chose Casey because "I wanted a woman's touch in that regard, also, you know? I mean, us guys would have had the whole place BLACK, or something like that." God forbid. I mean, who do you think you are, Billy Idol?
At the Fresh Market, CJ picks something up and says, "I think that's a fine choice." Okay, I know no one is going to get this, but there's something in CJ's delivery that makes the Better Off Dead freak in me add "…Meyer" at the end of it. In fact, I can't ever hear anyone say "that's a fine idea/choice" without hearing Stalin's voice. I know. I'm weird. Updating the earlier idea, Sara tells us they are doing a "contemporary American-style bistro," so it sounds like they dropped the French part of it. Sara adds that Howie is a little hard-headed, but that's just how he is and you learn to deal with it. Intercepting a brazen T-Mobile commercial from the Brians, CJ tells him they're almost done with the grocery shopping.
Over at Pier 1, Casey and Brian wander around, picking things up. Actually, it's mostly the Brians picking things up. O'Brian fingers floor-length candle holders, and then Bryan carries around what look like tree branches, but probably ditched them once MALARKEY! yelled, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING SPENDING MONEY ON THAT WHEN WE CAN FIND THAT SHIT OUTSIDE?" Going over to bug Casey, Brian natters, "All right, we need some height! We need some height!" "Go look for something, then!" Casey says, a bit irritated, having said the exact same thing to MALARKEY! and Bryan. Casey tells us that "keeping Brian calm" was an interesting task, but admits that they work well together as a team. For instance, Casey suggests scented candles, but Brian negates the idea: "No, people get offended by that. If it smells and takes away from their food, they don't like that at all." He's such a level-headed guy, those Brians. In one of those Ironic Cuts, we go over to Dale and Hung, who are happily picking out large, white scented candles. Oh, no! "And the whole place will smell like flowers," Dale says, piling the candles into a basket. Yuck. Also, we later find out they're buying vanilla candles -- what flowers smell like vanilla? Decomposing flowers give off a sickly sweet rotting scent; maybe that's what they were going for. Hung tells us, "We were running around looking for random stuff that will fit the garage image," and Dale grabs the same piles of tree branches MALARKEY! yelled Bryan out of. "Hey, Hung -- silver rocks!" Dale says. "YES!" Hung crows and runs over. I don't know about the rest of you, but I don't keep my silver rocks in the garage. I keep them in the car. "Can we get the little Buddha?" O'Brian plaintively begs Casey. "He brings us good luck!" Casey tells him to get it. The teams leave the Fresh Market and Pier 1. Brian cradles the Buddha out to the car. You just know he already has haberdashery plans for that poor Buddha.Back in the kitchens, the teams cook and work on their restaurant space. The Brians have tied a large bandanna around their head, kerchief-style. It's not quite a do-rag and it's not quite Aunt Jemima. Restaurant April's menu will feature corn and truffle custard with seared diver sea scallops, and a wild mushroom and gorgonzola-crusted beef tenderloin on smoked fingerling potatoes. Tre tells the camera guy, "Hopefully I'm trying to incorporate one more thing, but right now I gotta focus on not cutting my fingertips off." Taking the hint, the camera guy checks in on Sara and learns that The Garage will be serving tuna tartare, mushroom risotto, and braised lamb shank. BOR-ing! Hung will be responsible for the tuna, Howie will do the risotto, Sara will do the lamb, and she and Howie will both do dessert. Because it's one of those THIS WILL BE IMPORTANT LATER things, Howie tells us he's been cooking risotto for ten to twelve years. "I like my risotto, because I don't make it like every other chef makes it," Howie adds. Yeah, apparently other chefs make it correctly. Tre runs around the kitchen and Sara comments that usually Tre is very calm. Tre notes that CJ took a long time prepping the artichokes for the second course. He didn't expect CJ would spend so much time on them. Food and design flurry. Dale jokes conveniently, "Queer Eye's got nothing on my ass." I think I'll leave that one alone.
Colicchio arrives for his Sniff 'n' Sneer and -- DAMMIT! The Bravo graphics are positioned right over his feet, and I can't tell what he's wearing. However, in the interest of satisfying my obsession with Colicchio's socklessness, I did some careful analysis using the high-tech means at my disposal (slow-forward and rewind, and excessive squinting), and I concluded that Colicchio is wearing black flip-flops. Colicchio talks to Tre about his beef tenderloin and learns that Tre plans to cut up the tenderloin and cook them individually. After hearing about Howie's risotto, Colicchio makes sure to get in, "The risotto -- obviously you guys know this -- but it's a little tricky because it's such a timing issue and it has to go out when it's ready. You can't wait." Howie agrees with this. "So, are you pre-cooking the risotto?" Colicchio asks. Howie says it's par-cooked. "Okay, good," Colicchio says.I consulted one of my chef friends and learned that the secret to restaurant risotto is -- as Howie said -- the par-cooking method. Doing it properly at home does take 45 minutes of standing at the stove, carefully ladling in the hot stock, stirring, pulling back the rice to see how quickly the starch flows back into the empty space, and constant tasting to check the consistency. At home, risotto isn't a meal, it's a bloody event! However, in restaurants, what chefs do is bring the risotto to a certain level of doneness, which, of course, can be really difficult to gauge, and then spread the partially cooked risotto out on sheet pans and chill it in the walk-in. Once chilled, chefs separate out portions of the risotto, so that when someone orders it, all they have to do is simply spend about 10-15 minutes to finish that particular portion. I say "simply," but it's really not. For restaurant chefs, perfect risotto is difficult and elusive.
Outside the kitchens, Colicchio confides, "CJ's team, Restaurant April, they missed yooge [he totally said 'yooge'] opportunity. It they had seared their tenderloin, cooked them whole, and then carved them tableside, I think that would have been a great flourish. Plus instead of cooking thirty individual filets, they could probably move four or five, which is a lot easier to deal with when you're cooking." Several points: how do you cook to order if you are cooking the whole tenderloin in one particular way? What if someone wants rare and someone wants overdone? Do you then cook, like, five separate tenderloins for each point of doneness? If so, how do you serve that tableside? Carve the rare one for one person, then go back and get the well-done one, and proceed to carve that? My second point is that carving tableside is sort of cheesy and more like what you would do at a House of Prime Rib joint, not at the sort of bistro Restaurant April is supposed to be. I can't even remember the last time I ate somewhere where I observed anything being carved tableside, except in the case of a whole fish being deboned at a Vietnamese restaurant. Meanwhile, my totally unexplainable reaction to Colicchio's tableside carving opinion is, "That's so Craftsteak." You know? Because I have this niggling feeling that whenever anyone does beef, he's comparing it to how he wants it done at Craftsteak, which is fine, because the guy knows beef, but I don't think he always leaves room for interpretations other than his own.
Colicchio notes that Howie, Dale, Sara, and Hung have an advantage over Restaurant April because they have more restaurant experience than the other team. Okay, I know CJ is just a personal chef, but Casey and the Brians do have restaurant experience, so what exactly is the advantage? Because there are three restaurant chefs at Restaurant April to The Garage's four? I mean, I guess that's an advantage, but it isn't a huge one, is it? Unless Colicchio's also considering the number of years each cheftestant has worked, but I don't think we know those numbers. Colicchio says it's all going to come down to how the teams pull together and who emerges as the team leader. Just after he says that, we see Hung knock a container of something brown all over the floor. Sara tries to tell Hung to calm down, but Hung, of course, doesn't calm down and just proceeds with his mania.Thirty minutes before the restaurants open, the servers arrive for their instructions. Tre tells us that he got in the weeds and left his potatoes smoking for four minutes longer than necessary. Time ticks down. Final touches are put on the restaurant décor and food is plated. Dale and the Brians embrace and wish each other good luck. Okay, I feel the need to mention that Brian is wearing a white rose boutonnière. Unbidden, images of Bryan shyly pinning it on O'Brian's lapel and then giggling about touching his chest rise to mind.
Diners arrive, and the cheftestants finish up in the kitchen. The Brians seat the judges as well as a few more tables, after which a few Brians start to get flustered and pant-y. After being served a Blue Point oyster amuse bouche with ginger-watermelon granita, Colicchio and Boulud agree that the oyster tasted washed out. Colicchio then runs his finger around his plate and says, "It's disgusting!" "Dusss-ty?" Padma wonders, slowly sounding out her words Sesame Street-style. Yes, the plates are dusty. Padma calls Brian over and whispers, "Our plates are dusty," and then shoves her hand in Brian's face for him to see. You know, in some cultures -- Greek in particular -- showing someone your open palm is extremely antagonistic, and given how many personalities Brian has knocking about, there's a good chance one of them might get offended. The scallops with the corn and black truffle custard come out to the judges. Chef Boulud, smiling, wonders if Restaurant April meant to make it "curdle-ly, or did they overcook it and really mess it up?" Colicchio says they'll have to ask. The fish course is served , and Boulud asks Brian to explain it. "Ah, yes, yes, yes!" (There's a "yes!" for every personality there.) "This is a nice Key West Florida grouper, and it's with a basil pistou, cooked up with some crispy pancetta, some artichoke hearts, and some cherry tomatoes." Yum. The judges have to ask for more silverware because the utensils got cleared and not replaced. Oops.
Smiling tightly and nervously and jamming a finger in one ear, the Brians walk into the back and demand, "Do I really need three of you in here?" I note that his boutonnière is missing. I think MALARKEY! ate it in a fit of anxiety. Brian edgily tells Casey he's really getting killed out front. He announces he's out of silverware and, walking to the back, yells, "Go a bunch of oysters, I have -- I don't even know how many people I have." Ask O'Brian, he was supposedly keeping count. At Tre's direction, Casey is sent out to calm the Brians down and serve the course. Ted Allen pointedly says, "So Casey, you've chosen to come out and present this dish yourself?" You know, I sort of want to go all Superfudge on Ted's ass and say, "Yeah, wanna make something of it?" He's such a shit-stirrer at times! Casey says she's sort of "in between," so she would "love" to come out and talk to the diners about the food. Casey presents the wild mushroom and gorgonzola-crusted beef tenderloin with smoked Yukon potatoes and carrot oil. After Casey leaves, Ted Allen announces that the smoked potatoes overpower everything. Other diners agree that the potatoes are horrible. Casey returns with a palate-cleanser of a mango-lemongrass and sake sorbet. Padma tries hers and says, "Too cold!" What? I don't even know how to -- WHAT? Is there some optimum sorbet temperature I'm not aware of? I mean, it's SORBET! It's not like there are ways to serve it, you know, UN-cold! "Oh no, I'm getting a brain freeze!" Ted jokes flatly. Okay, so maybe the sorbet shouldn't have been served on those Damn Chinese Soupspoons where you have no choice but to put nearly the whole serving in your mouth, instead of with additional spoons that allow you to chip away at the scoop to your overly sensitive mouth's content, but still. Critiquing sorbet as "too cold" is more than a bit ridiculous. Finally, a dessert of apple Tarte Tatin with brandy sauce and crème anglaise is served. (Bravo Graphics left off the accent on "crème.") Wow, serving Tarte Tatin to a French chef? That's brave. Everyone loves the dessert.Over at The Garage, Dale admits that he's trying to pull from his memory of being a server for eight years: "You're half prostitute, half performer. And in the front, I'm smooth, but in the back, I'm a raging bitch." Sure enough, Dale yells at the servers in the back for going too slow -- "Pick up the fucking pace!" -- and then snaps his fingers at them. While Dale is off performing his raging bitch duties, the judges arrive and determine that they need to seat themselves. Ted Allen immediately picks up on the perfumed air and wonders if it's incense or flowers or scented candles. "It's candles," Padma drawls, "it's lit candles." While Padma is distracted by the shiny rocks on the table, Colicchio tells Dale that Ted's having a "huge problem" with the candles, and requests they be removed. At another table, a male diner ostentatiously removes his table's candle and says, "The chef should know better than to put a scented candle on the table." He puts the candle on the floor, covered with a napkin, and says, "And it's dead now. And I need a new napkin." Talk about being a raging bitch.
The tuna tartare with egg vinaigrette, niçoise olive purée (they forgot the cédille in "niçoise," but since they got the accent in "purée," no one can argue that Bravo simply doesn't accent words in all caps), and herb salad. Dale adds that the tuna dish is Hung's, and the judges proceed to enjoy it very much. Hung tells us, "We're waiting for Howie's risotto. He's cooking three batches of risotto -- enough to feed three armies -- at once. Risotto is supposed to be cooked 'a la minute,' order-to-order -- that shouldn't take very long." Neither should cauliflower ice cream, but it's still gross. I have no idea what I mean by that, but what I do know is that that Hung really hasn't proven himself worthy of throwing French around in order to criticize others. Meanwhile, the judges are waiting a long time for their course. The chantarelle, shiitake, cremini, and lobster mushroom risotto with foie gras "nage" ("just a light mushroom jus mounted with some foie gras") finally goes out. Chef Boulud thinks the dish is too rich. People, when a Frenchman thinks your food is too rich, I think that might mean it's a scary, die-on-your-plate rich. Padma notes, "This is not something I would serve for a summer night." Clearly, she hasn't lived in San Francisco -- I made a hearty butternut squash soup last week. Ask Mark Twain, our shit is COLD!Dale is back out with the braised lamb shank, sunchoke potatoes, baby vegetables, natural jus, and pistachios. Hm, I don't know what sunchoke potatoes are. I know that sunchokes -- or Jerusalem artichokes -- are a type of tuber, so while not actually a potato, I guess they can be cooked and mashed to resemble potatoes or even mashed with actual potatoes. Again the comment from the judges is that the dish is too rich, especially on the heels of the risotto. Dale checks in with Raging Bitch and is told, with a squinty sneer, "It wasn't the best lamb. The meat wasn't cooked properly. I thought it tasted like metal." Now this is interesting. I do believe that Raging Bitch is sharing a table with flogged blogger Andrea Strong, but she's not the one giving Dale notes. I'll bet Raging Bitch is acting as her mouthpiece and is just repeating her comments to Dale. Oh, but Raging Bitch isn't done yet, because just as Dale reacts to the metal meat comment, Raging Bitch adds, "And if that's a vegetable medley, then I'm a monkey." What is it with this show and monkeys? Finally, dessert comes out in the forms of crêpes with dark chocolate and orange Grand Marnier sauce. Dale then adds the final touch of some cocoa whipped cream to the crêpes, a tableside presentation Ted really appreciates. I like how it looks as though Dale quenelled the whipped cream. The crêpes themselves are judged to be very rich. "I'm glad it's December in Glasgow," Ted adds. Padma barks a laugh.
Judges' Table is upon us, and before being pulled in, the Restaurant Aprils sit in their restaurant and toast each other with wine. In the kitchen, Dale complains about their serving staff. The thing is, though, we didn't really see any service problems with The Garage. Dale tells us that the food didn't go over as well as they hoped, and he could go home for not cooking a single thing. Sitting in the back, Howie tries to console everyone by saying that he's opened "a lot" of restaurants and he's never had an opening "go smooth" the first day.
At the Table, Padma announces that unbeknownst to the cheftestants, there was a food blogger in their midst. A food blogger?! Quelle horreur! What would Anthony Bourdain say? Aside from being a food blogger, Andrea Strong is a writer whose stuff has appeared in places like The New York Times, New York magazine, and The New York Post. We get a flashback to Andrea Strong talking to Dale and sure as shootin', she was sharing a table with Raging Bitch. Moving into restaurant discussion, Colicchio praises Restaurant April's look, calling it "fabulous," and both Boulud and Ted Allen rail against The Garage's vanilla candles. I think they're being too hard on The Garage. After all, the décor was supposed to be stuff you keep in your garage. If I had vanilla candles, that's exactly where I would keep them. Colicchio reads off Andrea's comments: "Scented candles belong in bedrooms and bathrooms, not in restaurants." "She's riiight, she's riiiight!" Padma drawls. Ted Allen isn't even sure if that's true. I tend to agree with him because, like perfume, scented candles are a really personal choice. My favorite Aveda Rainforest candle could be as abhorrent to a guest as their berry cobbler cream with toasted almond sugar candle is to me. I'll never forget the one and only time I walked into the Yankee Candle Company and came out with a raging migraine that made me dry-heave. That said, Ted Allen, was there ever a Queer Eye where scented candles were pressed on the Straight Guy? Boulud says, "It definitely felt more like a massage parlor than a restaurant." Turning to food, they all liked The Garage's tuna course, but not the risotto. Boulud notes that the risotto was overcooked, and Ted says, "It's a warm night in Miami. I took two bites and could barely walk." Padma brings up Tre's beef tenderloin, and all the judges agree that the smoked potatoes overpowered everything else. The Brians, it is agreed, were extremely flustered and did a lousy job as the FOH guy.
Padma goes to the back and calls back Restaurant April. On the way out, Casey and Brian sling their arms around each other, so convinced are they of their win. The Garage sits in the back -- looking and feeling a bit deflated -- and says they all did their "fucking" best. Even before I had watched the complete episode, I knew they were going to pull a switch here. I mean, they hadn't even done their usual telegraphing of who was going home.
Sure enough, once Restaurant April is assembled in front of the judges, Padma tells them they aren't the winners. I have to note here that in these scenes, Boulud has his glasses on and he's beyond adorable. Padma reveals that there was an undercover blogger dining at the restaurants that night. "Obviously, it's harsh to do a critique of a restaurant when you're in previews, but it happens," Colicchio says. Heh -- I love how they managed to work in the chef's stance on food bloggers doing early reviews of restaurants, because that's a vexed issue in my other world. There's a difference between being a restaurant blogger and just being a general food blogger. I have written about and reviewed restaurants, but I don't like it. I feel too locked into a formula, and the foodgasms just don't flow organically. Plus, I hate whipping out a camera at the table to get the beauty shots -- it draws way too much attention and I feel like a dork. Anyway, I agree with Colicchio; going to a restaurant in the opening week is not fair. You can't expect to get an even assessment of the place that early.
From here on out, the judges proceed to read extensively from Andrea's report. She liked Restaurant April's décor, but poor Brian gets slammed with, "However, the host had a sweating problem." CJ cackles at this. Dude, be careful; the MALARKEY! is seething just under the surface and is close to eating another boutonnière. Ted Allen keeps reading: "'I was concerned about him. He seemed ready to slip out of his clothes. Note to host: get thee some Right Guard.'" For his whole body? I mean, if he was having B.O. problems on top of general flop sweat, I can understand that comment, but it seems like "get thee some cooler clothes or at very least a towel" would be a more accurate comment. Also, it's not exactly on to ding Brian for sweating -- it was hot, and all of them were nervous. ["Also, if you're going to be a bitch, be funny about it. She's clearly in love with her own zingers -- undeservedly." -- Sars] Brian starts to defend himselves, but Padma interrupts and says, "I thought that you didn't smell." Good. Brian thanks her. Padma points out that he was flustered, and Brian agrees that he was disconcerted early on because he was out of his element. None of Restaurant April has FOH experience, so he just went for it, but he is ready to accept blame for anything that went wrong out there. Andrea also didn't like the ginger-watermelon granita on the oyster, calling it a "Slurpee." ["See above. That punchline is a C minus." -- Sars] CJ steps in and says that he has no problem with Andrea's comments -- he wouldn't want a Slurpeed oyster either. He also agrees about Brian's sweating problem. I think that was sort of meant jokingly, but the Brians look mad. Do you think one of the Brians was responsible for the granita? Because it sounds an awful lot like last week's oyster drunk food. Andrea didn't like the smoked potatoes either, and Tre admits that time got away from him, which resulted in the oversmoked potatoes. Boulud praises the idea of smoked potatoes, but opines that the actual result was too aggressive. Colicchio asks if it was really all service that dragged Restaurant April down, and should Brian be sent home as a result. No one on Restaurant April believes that, and admits that technical mistakes were made on all sides. CJ comments that no restaurant is perfect. Someone -- possibly Colicchio -- says, "No," in agreement, and CJ adds, "I mean maybe there are some, maybe. It's kind of tough having him on the panel here," and gestures smilingly at Boulud. Padma finally excuses them and tells them to send in The Garage.
I assume the "we didn't win, so God only knows what will happen with you" news was passed along in the back, but we aren't party to it. Padma also doesn't tell The Garage that they aren't the winners, but instead starts off by saying they had quite a few problems with their restaurant. Sara tells them she nominated herself as head chef. "Kind of brave," Colicchio nearly sneers. Do you think he would have said that if any other (MALE!) teammate had nominated himself as head chef? The judges want to know if Sara decided the whole menu herself or if she accepted input. Sara immediately tells them the whole team decided on the menu together. Colicchio brings out the blogger papers, and Padma reads off her "suffocating stink" candle comment. Given how the judges themselves reacted to the candles, this can't be a surprise to The Garage. Dale accepts responsibility for the scented candles, saying that nearly every candle at Pier 1 was scented. He adds, "I myself have a very weak sense of smell." Oh, chef, don't tell them THAT! Ted says he himself was blown away by the stench of the candles, and reminds The Garage that they got their candles at the exact same place as the other team. Yeah, but didn't the other team use only tea lights? Boulud asks why they went with black tablecloths, and Dale, who says he led the design team, says he was expecting the food on white plates to really pop on a black background. I find it funny how Padma just refers to Andrea as "the blogger" rather than by her name. It's like "the sheriff" or "the stool pigeon." Anyway, the blogger had this comment about the decor: "Who wants to eat off a black tablecloth? It's very Billy Idol, and I don't want to eat off of Billy Idol." Well, move aside, because I do! But the "White Wedding" Billy Idol, not the Wedding Singer Billy Idol.
The judges turn to the food, and the tuna tartare is praised. "However," Colicchio nitpicks, "we thought there was a little too much white asparagus." And that's the first time we've heard that critique about the tuna dish. Hung bows his acceptance of the criticism. The Blogger says that Howie's risotto was sticky and gummy. Boulud asks Howie, "What did you use to finish your risotto?" "Parmesan cheese, a touch of heavy cream, and black truffle butter," Howie responds. Colicchio tells Howie he shouldn't need to use cream in risotto: "The cream should come from the rice." "I've made a lot of risottos for a lot of different chefs and I've kind of -- as I became an executive chef, had --" Howie starts to explain. "It shouldn't MOUND up on a plate, risotto should almost run on a plate," Colicchio interrupts. Howie argues back that risotto seizes up when it sits around, but he personally tasted all the risottos: "My tongue is burnt." (Don't show us your tongue, Howie. Don't show us your tongue, Howie.) Howie goes on, "And I didn't put anything in my mouth that I thought was gummy or, for lack of a better word, CRAP." Ted Allen wants to step away from the risotto and asks if seasonality played a part in their menu decisions. Sara thought the menu was heavy, but admits that they figured if they went lighter in the first two courses, the lamb shank wouldn't appear quite so hearty. Ted wonders if there came a point when Howie and Sara had stopped thinking about the overall success of the team and were concerned only with their own dishes. Sara disagrees. "Why are you giving me one heavy thing after another?" Ted demands. "I. Am. NOT. Put. OFF. By eating a heavier item," Howie says, pounding his chest to punctuate each word and banging his mike around as a result. Hung smiles at this, as if Howie's girth were evidence enough that he's not afraid of heavy foods. It's kinda mean, but it's also kinda true. Colicchio also appears to bite back a smile. Howie goes on that if he sees a braise on the menu, he's going to order it, even if it's summer. "Because that's what turns me on," Howie finishes. Oh, Howie, no -- don't turn into a Vincent Libretti. Padma points out that, as head chef, Sara was responsible for everything. Sara agrees and takes full responsibility.
In the back, the two teams wonder how they're going to pick a winner. And at the Table, the judges talk about how hard it's going to be for them to send someone home, because they can't figure out who won and who lost. Ted thinks Brian lost it with his insanity, and Padma thinks it's so odd for Dale to say he doesn't have a good sense of smell. Colicchio agrees, and adds that Dale was responsible for the scented candles and the décor. They rehash how much Tre's potatoes and Howie's risotto both sucked. While the service was bad, Ted still preferred Restaurant April. Colicchio's disappointed because, considering the level of the cheftestants, he expected so much better. "Really?" Padma drawls. Colicchio suddenly announces that he knows exactly what they should do, and Padma checks to make sure Boulud is in agreement.
In the back, Howie commends Dale and the Brians for "having the courage to step out of [their] comfort zone" and take over FOH. Padma calls Dale and Brian back. "Damn, skippy," Dale mutters, resigned. Hee. In front of the judges, the Brians and Dale are reminded why they sucked. "In the end, we decided…[Pause. Pause pause.]…not to send anyone home tonight," Padma tells them. Brian twirls around in relief. Padma goes on that both restaurants will have another chance at an opening night, after which someone really will get sent home. Colicchio sternly tells them to consider the night a "soft opening," and that the judges expect nothing but excellence from here on out. Chef Boulud then hands over eight copies of his book, Letter to a Young Chef -- he just happened to have eight copies for just such an unexpected turn of events -- to be distributed to the rest of the cheftestants.
In the back, Dale and Brian give everyone the good news and MALARKEY! screams, "YEEEAH, we're all still here -- HA HA HA HA HA HAAAA!" And by that, he means that all the Brians survived. Also, his laugh there was pure 1950s horror movie. Tre says it's a bit deflating not to have a winner, but adds, "You live to fight another day."
week: In the continuation of this episode, it looks like The Garage turns into "Quatre" with a totally new décor, and Restaurant April might have a name with an "ou" in it.