OMG, IQF! WTF?

Recapped by Keckler · Aired 07-31-2007 · S03E06

Top Chef has never made me cry until tonight. But before we get to that, the Quickfire was a taste-test (not blind, surprisingly) and identification of sundry ingredients, and it was sort of both really easy and really hard, and Padma got bell-happy because I think she forgot if she was supposed to ring it for a right or wrong answer, and Casey won. Also, Rocco was there as guest judge and he was looking really bizarre. Sort of like someone else had put his skin on and it didn't quite fit. Or like he had gone several rounds with the Son'a skin rejuvenator in Star Trek: Insurrection.

In the Elimination Challenge, the cheftestants -- in teams of two -- had to reproduce their own versions of frozen Bertolli skillet dinners. Specifically, make an Italian/Mediterranean pasta meal, freeze it, and successfully reheat it in about ten minutes. The key to this challenge was to freeze every cooked component individually and then package the components into fifteen individual servings. Of all the teams, Tre and CJ were the only ones who not only understood this, but also managed to execute it. The two of them ended up winning the big prize: two tickets each to Italy.

Meanwhile, Howie and Sara M. did not play well together and made a fairly disgusting mess of a fusilli entrée. Two other losers -- Hung and Joey -- messed up their fusilli meal, because Hung understood what they needed to do and Joey didn't. Hung tried to tell Joey what they should do, but Joey just didn't hear him. At Judges' Table, everyone goes after their teammates, there's a lot of finger-pointing, and both Howie and Joey's heads get redder and redder. Sadly, Joey is the one to get sent home, and he just loses it -- in the back when he has to say his goodbyes, and in his interviews. He is full-on sobbing about everyone he's going to miss and he lays a big hug on Hung even before they leave Judges' Table to show all was forgiven and he just keeps crying and voice-cracking and I had some serious sympathy sobs happening here. Shut up. Tell me you can look at that big round red face, wet with tears, and not be moved by Fusilli Joey.

Man, Bravo, don't make me go all Stephen Colbert on your asses and start a recap segment called "Who's not honoring me now?" because that would get tedious and more than trifle whiny, but come ON! Andy Cohen did NOT coin "cheftestant" and neither did Amuse-Biatch (who kindly wrote to me giving me full props, and then posted the same on Ted Allen's "controversial" post) or Blogging Top Chef. FYI, Bravo, I used that word in the Top Chef forum back during season one and then I used it in my TC1 recaps, the first instance there being published in July 2006. Now, I know it's a dumb little non-word, but hell, it's MY dumb little non-word. How about some respect? On the same subject, to all the posters and commenter who got all up-in-arms on my behalf over on Bravo I send out my deepest appreciation and love. It did my pickled little heart good to be so defended; come to California, I'll make you all cocktails. (I do have to admit that "cheftestant" getting all this attention is sort of sad, given that Jeff's "auf'd" is a far more brilliant creation.)

I meant to put this cocktail up two weeks ago, but I was on a no-caffeine, no-alcohol, no-painkiller, no-any-substance-you-use-to-cope in order to prep myself for maximum dizziness. However, this is the best recipe for Hogsmeadian Butterbeer I have ever found. It's supremely simple but it's also exactly what I imagine Butterbeer to taste like. My wizard hat is off to Britta Peterson for concocting this recipe.

Butterbeer
Makes 2 quarts.
1 cup butterscotch schnapps
7 cups cream soda (almost one 2 liter bottle)
Carefully mix just before serving, adding the schnapps to the soda then stirring gently to mix well, or the fizz will dissipate too soon.

Eerie music plays as rain spatters the windows of Chez Cheftestants and heavy clouds move across the sky. What is with this "It was a dark and stormy Top Chef"? The music is all heartbeats and for whom the bell tolls-y with some definite notes recalling the Halloween theme. Nice one, sound guys! Casey rolls over in bed with perfect hair and makeup and she is clearly naked. Speaking of naked, one of the Brians partially shrouds his naked body in his chartreuse motel blanket while he talks to us. Oh, sorry, he's not naked. He has his knit cap on. Here's a question -- why is he wearing a knit cap to bed? In Miami? Just turn down the AC and stop looking so insane! Also, the cut makes it look like he's in bed with naked Casey. What happens if he has a Brian changeover during sex? Could be sort of erotic. Or life-threatening. One of the Brians -- and all signs point to a sleepy MALARKEY! -- tells us about how he thought Lia would be one of the last chefs standing. And then he was going to eat her brain. In the living room, CJ tells Dale and Joey that Lia was his closest friend there and he's bummed she's gone. Standing outside, staring at the sullen Miami sky, Joey From New York contemplates wearing galoshes. He tells us, "You have to do whatever you have to do to survive another day here. And if that means throwing someone over the bus, over the balcony -- it's gonna start happening." Dude, what did I say just last week about him wanting to throw Dale over the railing? Creepy. Speaking of creepy, I just took a closer look at the knit-and-go-naked Brian scene and saw a whole mess of prescription bottles on the bedside table. The Brians must have hay fever.

By Keckler

In the Top Chef kitchens, the cheftestants line up in front of Padma and Rocco DiSpirito. CJ says it best when he comments flatly, "And there stands Rocco DiSpirito. In all his Rocco glory." Standing to her fellow Melting Pot alum, Padma says, "I see you all recognize our guest judge for this round." Actually, I wouldn't be surprised if they didn't recognize him. With that lightened, shorter hair, and the face that looks mask-like in its Botox marinade, Rocco is a pale shadow of his former self. I mean, The Restaurant defined the television show as train wreck, but at least he was sort of hot back then. His hear was curly and black and he may have been a tad heavier, but he looked normal. Here, he looks like he's standing in Madame Tussaud's, not a kitchen. Padma also says that Rocco is a James Beard Award Winner. Hmm. Well, he is. For a cookbook. See, for me, having a James Beard Award-winning cookbook would be the awesomest, but for a chef to be nominated as Best Chef of New York three times over and only get the award for a cookbook, it's sort of…sad. Padma starts off, "Being a chef is a learning process." Rocco picks it up, "The thing is, you guys have to stay curious -- you can never know enough about the food because food changes all the time." Like your face? "And the more things you know about cooking techniques and ingredients, the more solutions you have in your repertoire to react properly to what's going on in the pan in front of you." Do you think they dyed his eyebrows to match his hair? They look dyed. Or penciled. Padma tells the cheftestants that the Quickfire will be a "culinary bee." They'll come up one by one and answer the culinary challenge. If they get it right, they go to the back of the line and keep playing. If they get it wrong, they're out. Howie's turtle-waxed head tells us, "I really like that type of challenge because I'm a little bit more of an academic in a lot of ways -- I'm a thinker. I mean, I am a thinker." Of course, that sort of statement can't help but conjure up images of Howie rolled into a thick tweed jacket with corduroy elbow pads, crammed in a leather chair, smoking a pipe to a roaring fire and sweating. As we get clips of Hung, unable to stand still, grinning and dancing back and forth on his feet, CJ cogitates on Hung for us. He thinks Hung would be very good in the Culinary Bee, but the only thing holding him back is his "asshole arrogant factor." CJ is so matter-of-fact about Hung's assholishness, it's hysterical. He's a taller, snarkier Harold. ["Though CJ manages to avoid looking like he's constantly smelling a fart. Point to CJ." -- Joe R]

Howie walks forward to meet the first challenge. Padma pulls out a small glass prep bowl and tells him to identify the ingredient by tasting it. I can't believe he's not blindfolded. Even without tasting it, I can see it's tomato paste. THROUGH MY TELEVISION! Howie nails it, Padma dings the bell for his right answer, and we both go to the back of the line. How freakin' easy was that? Meanwhile, in a real spelling bee, the bell only dings when you get the answer wrong. Being from India, you'd think Padma would know that. Rocco puts a plate in front of Joey and tells him to identify it by sight. It appears to be a suspicious-looking sausage. Or a horse's willy. Joey tells us, "You just get up to that table and you got Padma looking at you looking all sexy today and then you got this asshole right to her and your mind just goes blank." Heh. Joey thinks the suspicious-looking sausage is lotus root, but it's yuca. Sara M. sips something liquidly and beige and says, "Peanut butter. No! Sesame! Tahini!" Unfortunately, they have to take her first answer, and Padma tells her she's out. If she's out, why did Padma ring the bell? I think she's high again. The Brians get quail eggs, Sara N. doesn't get raspberry vinegar, and Dale incorrectly identifies taro root as water chestnuts. Like Bravo even knows what taro root is.

CJ steps up, tastes something green and says, "What is pepper cress?" Hee. He's wrong, it's daikon radish sprouts. Casey steps up and tastes something black and pasty. She makes faces, gags, spits out the taste, before finally drama-queening, "My Gohduh. What is fish paste?" When CJ said it it was cute, when Casey says it, it's just to copy CJ. However, Casey gets it right and goes back to the end of the line, coughing and gagging excessively. Finally, we're down to four cheftestants: Hung, Howie, Casey, and The Brians (playing as one). With the Cello of Hung's Fried Ego strumming, Padma pulls out a bowl of something for Hung to taste. Hung glances carelessly down, pinches up the ingredient, and says, "I know this too -- anise seed." He looks up at the judges challengingly because he didn't have to taste it. "You don't want to taste it?" Padma asks. Hung throws a bit in his mouth and chews with a bland look. Yep, he was so wrong. "Celery seed!" he announces but it's too late. His ego wrote a check his tongue couldn't cash. CJ tells us that everyone was sort of cheering when Hung got it wrong, "He came off as such a douche." Casey is given bow-tie pasta, which is so easy you'd think they'd require "farfalle" at the very least. Howie sneers to us that some people had easier things than others, "Bow-tie pasta? Not to take anything away from Casey, but that's not a difficult thing to identify." And tomato paste is, Professor McSweatsalot? Howie, Casey, and the Brians go through another round and then Howie gets out when he identifies hearts of palm as bamboo shoots. Finally, the Brians get out on Japanese eggplant when they identify it as heirloom tomato. Casey walks up -- why does she have to look so smug so much of the time? -- for her final test and gets roasted red bell pepper correct. She wins Immunity. Casey tells us, "It is great to have Immunity, I'm in a great mood." Funny, that's not what you said last time you had Immunity. In fact, I think you got all Snivellus Snape the last time you had Immunity. Snot and tears all over. Messy. Gross.

Moving on to the Elimination Challenge, Padma babbles stats about the frozen meal market and I really don't care about them because while I eat frozen meals, I don't need to memorize their money haul. Looking as embarrassed as the toxins will allow him, Rocco pulls out a bag of Bertolli's frozen "Mediterranean-style" pasta dinners and does a quick commercial (we'll get the longer commercial during the actual commercial break): cooks in ten minutes, you feel like you're actually cooking for your family, blah blah blah advertising copycakes. The cheftestants draw knives to pair up, and the teams are: Tre and CJ, Hung and Joey, Howie and Sara M., Sara N. and the Brians, and Dale and Casey. According to Padma, each team must create fifteen portions of "a new Italian-style, Mediterranean frozen pasta meal for two." All portions must be packed individually, ready for the skillet, and fully heated in ten minutes. They have two hours to cook and get everything in the freezer and the day, they have an hour to pack up their meals. BIG PAUSE, as all the cheftestants are told to look puzzled for the noddies. The members of the winning team will each get two tickets each to Italy, courtesy of Bertolli. Pandemonium. The cheftestants clap and cheer. Joey tells us that if he wins, he's sending his mom and sister to Italy because they've never been there. Aw.

The teams split off to examine the frozen contents of the Bertolli bag and plan their strategies. Tre, CJ, and Hung all note that everything in the bag is frozen separately. Dale and Casey squee over their shared inspiration to make meatballs. Oh, I'd be careful, Rocco and his Mama's meatballs are sort of Oedipally, freakishly entwined. Howie thinks that Sara M. is a whiner and he knows that she thinks his food is too simple, "People like Sara don't realize that putting a bunch of bullshit on a plate does not make you a chef." No, sweating into everything you cook makes you a chef. But whaddayagonndoo?

The cheftestants have $100 and thirty minutes to shop for their ingredients. A lot of the teams go for chicken, but Howie grabs shrimp. Tre has the idea to class up their chicken with black truffles. Hmm, that's an interesting idea. Usually truffles go better with a protein that can handle them, like beef or lamb. They might overwhelm chicken. Howie is incensed that Sara M. wants to use tri-color fusilli, "To me, that's the cheesiest, corniest pasta that you see in every buffet table, in every schlock house across the country." Hung tells us that he's choosing penne, but in the market, we see Joey picking out the tri-color fusilli. Hung appears to give in to Joey fairly quickly. Note that we don't see Hung telling Joey he wants penne. He just tells us. Not Joey. Note it for later.

Back in the kitchens, the cheftestants prep and cook. Sara M. checks in on Howie about their stock and asks if he's going to use a mirepoix. He wasn't planning on it, but sort of shrugs, "Unless you wanna throw garlic or whatever you wanna throw in there." Hung is being his usual loud self as he bangs the hell out of some chicken breasts, "Chinese style." Calmly and slowly, Tre tells us how focused he and CJ were on their task. So focused, they didn't even need to speak to each other. Casey holds out a meatball for Dale's inspection. It's miniscule. "Smaller?" Casey asks. SMALLER? "Maybe a touch bigger because they are going to cook down," Dale says diplomatically. Casey explains to us that they picked things they knew would freeze well, like pesto and meatballs. Pesto and meatballs? I don't think I've ever heard of that combo. Matter of fact, I don't know if I've ever heard of pesto and meat being combined. Pasta? Yes. String beans and boiled potato? Yes. Meat? Not so much. Joey plods off to cook the pasta while Hung pours a ton of salt into a saucepan and pulls some out to taste. I'm sure it tastes…salty? Standing over a big, steaming stockpot, Hung double dips as he tastes whatever is in there. He tells us that he has experience in making this kind of frozen pasta and he understands the science behind it. Joey makes the sauce and Hung sous-vides his chicken. Hung takes a consult with Joey: "So I guess we'll call it, grilled herb chicken with roasted tomato-garlic sauce." Joey grunts. Hung is satisfied.

The Brians pour pasta into a pot of water and Tre asks how things are going with Sara N. "Slow as shit, dude," he says, "She's killing me." A plodding tuba oompahs as we watch Sara N. carefully and precisely julienne red bell peppers. Brian tells us, "Sara works a whole different pace than I do -- she's cutting the peppers, in the time that she cut the peppers, I've cooked the pasta, dried the herbs, cut the pancetta. I love Sara, but I'm feeling almost like I could have done this better and faster by myself." But that's because you're already a team unto yourself, dude.

Howie and Sara M. discuss whether or not they should put the fennel into the stock or freeze it raw. Sara M. tells us that Howie is not easy to read, and it's frustrating that she can't tell what her teammate is thinking. Sara M. peppers Howie with questions about the pasta, the seasoning, and if he tasted it. While I don't think it's out of line for Sara M. to be asking Howie all these questions, I can see that her voice -- raised to a level that makes it fish-wifey -- could get annoying and nag-alicious. Howie tells us that he resents someone like Sara M., who "hasn't ever shown anything in ANY challenge," questioning him and how he's doing things. Not that Howie would necessarily know this, but we did find out from Gail's blog that Sara M. was considered to be the third finalist in the "Latin Lunch" challenge. Maybe Sara M. is so concerned about Howie tasting the seasoning because she knows it could be overly salty from the tablespoons of HOWIE SWEAT he keeps adding to things.

Colicchio arrives for his Sniff 'n' Sneer and learns that Howie and Sara M. plan to freeze their marinated shrimp raw. "It has to go from frozen to shrimp cooked in ten minutes," Colicchio reminds them doubtfully. Over at Casey and Dale's station, Colicchio notes their use of tinned artichokes. I like how he says "tinned," instead of "canned," it's very WW II England when people were living off tinned fish paste and vegetables. Now THAT could be a challenge -- cook a gourmet meal, using ration booklets. They often ate whale meat, you know.

Colicchio moves on to Brian and Sara N., and Brian tells Colicchio, "We're going to keep it light -- do a little bit of chicken rigatoni and we've got a nice little name for it." Of course you do. MALARKEY! takes over and beats, "It's called TROJAN…CHICKEN…RIGATONI!" Colicchio looks slightly nervous as he asks, "Is something going to come out of this pasta?" Yeah, all of Brian's personalities. At once. "Yeaaaah!" MALARKEY! continues, "It's LOADED with surprises!" Over with Joey and Hung, Colicchio specifically gets Hung to explain how he knows the secret to the challenge's success is to freeze everything individually, including the sauce, which should be chopped up so it spreads out. CJ and Tre confirm to Colicchio that they are definitely cooking everything separately and will freeze every component separately.

Outside the kitchens, Colicchio wonders how Casey and Dale's turkey-pork meatballs fit into the Mediterranean diet and then comments that Brian and Sara N.'s "surprise" probably means they don't know what they're doing. No, it's just that MALARKEY! is the only one who knows what they're doing and he's not in a sharing mood. Colicchio notes that Hung and Joey's styles are very different. Colicchio restates how all the cheftestants really had to pay attention to how the Bertolli frozen bags were put together in order to succeed in this challenge.

Back in the kitchens, it's very clear that Joey and Hung aren't communicating even when they're trying to talk. Hung is talking way too fast and basically in shorthand, and Joey keeps saying, "What?" and leaning forward to hear him. Hung tells us that he's constantly reminding Joey what they have to do for the freezing process. He wanted to put the pasta sauce in a thin pan to spread it out and then freeze it, so it could be cut up into chunks. Joey tells us that Hung is annoying him, but it's clearly more like Joey can't cook and talk at the same time. He has to close his mind to Hung so he doesn't chop off his finger or something. Poor Joey. We cut back and see that Joey -- or someone -- has divvied up the entire cooked pasta meal into individual plastic Gladware containers. Joey holds a spoonful of pasta sauce over the container. Hung tries to intercede, quickly reminding him how they talked about spreading the sauce out to keep everything frozen separately. It's a losing battle and also one that Hung has already given up. Joey ladles sauce from the pan right on top of the pasta servings. Joey tells us he just wanted to make sure he and Hung were safe with their food in the containers. Time ticks down and the teams pack things into plastic bags while Casey has an orgasm over her meatballs. After CJ approves of his cooked chicken, Tre cracks a joke about "black folks" knowing how to cook chicken. Tre notes that he and CJ are the only team that continues to cook and freeze everything separately. "We are the only people who decided to apply the IQF technique," Tre says. I thought the IQF Technique was banned by the Geneva Convention. Sure enough, it looks like everyone else is packing freezer bags of cooked and combined meals. Howie bitches some more about Sara M. Casey lends a hand to Brian and Sara N. and runs full-tilt with the remainder of their plastic bags to the freezer as the final 23 seconds tick down. What would have happened if she had tripped and fallen and not gotten another team's meals into the freezer?

Back in Chez Cheftestant, it becomes clear to everyone that certain teams didn't cook well together. Hung sits out on the deck with Tre and CJ and bitches about Joey not listening to him. Joey tells us, "Being the Italian guy here, I think Rocco's going to expect something big from us." You know what, don't worry about it, Joey, because no one expects anything big from Rocco anymore. Howie bitches endlessly to Dale about Sara M. Dale picks at something on his arm and doesn't say anything. Seemingly topless, Sara M. smokes in the hot tub with Casey and tells us how she and Howie may have different styles, but she's still a good chef. See, she's both naked AND smoking, so clearly we're supposed to believe she's evil. Or she's about to be killed. Man, we've had naked Brian, naked Casey, and now naked Sara M. If we get naked Howie, I think I'm going to have to quit because his head probably isn't the only thing that sweats. ["Ew." -- Joe R] Casey's boobs are definitely not floating like poached eggs in vinegar, so it's still not the personal flotation device cut we got in the previews. Howie tells us he wouldn't even hire Sara M. to wash dishes in his restaurant. Rein it in, Howie, you're getting a bit extreme here.

The day, all other teams except Tre and CJ have practically nothing to do in the hour they were given to pack up their frozen meals. As the other cheftestants mill around, Tre and CJ studiously cube up their frozen stock and carefully pack up their meals. Hung bitches that he knew CJ and Tre did the challenge the right way and he and Joey were in trouble.

At the Fresh Market, the teams set up their burners and two sauté pans. They're supposed to taste out their dishes to the customers and get them to "buy" their pasta meals. The teams strategize who is going to do what. "I'll cook," Howie states sullenly. The judges arrive and tell the cheftestants they have ten minutes to start cooking. Chunks of frozen meals land in the hot skillets and most of them are stuck together. Are they not allowed to break the mass apart with their hands? CJ and Tre are totally chill about their meal. They've decided they only need six minutes. Tre looks over at someone and notes to CJ that "they've put that shit in a ripping hot pan over there." CJ laughs sympathetically. The teams taste their meals, and Casey has another orgasm. I think the green meatballs look really odd and unappealing. I mean, they're meatballs. And they're green. Even Dr. Seuss might give pause. After tasting, Hung determines that their pasta is overdone and mushy because it absorbed all the moisture from the hot pasta sauce Joey ladled onto the meals. Tre asks CJ, "Are you ready?" and then slides their meal into the pan. "What a perfect landing," CJ comments, proudly.

By Keckler

Rocco moves to taste CJ and Tre's black truffle and parmesan linguini with kale, tomato confit, and grilled chicken. Rocco wonders how they could afford black truffles on their budget. CJ smiles that they used truffle butter and they froze everything individually. Rocco examines one of their bags to confirm their process. Tre explains that they noted how Bertolli froze their pasta in nests, so they did the same, using muffin tins. "So, you just kind of duplicated what you saw," Rocco goes on. God, WE GET IT ALREADY! They did it right, they are the best, they are going to Italy, can we move on? CJ tells us he feels like a jackass because he hasn't won anything yet.

Customers return to pick up the boxes of the packaged dinners. Some Early Bird Specials tell Hung and Joey that they really like their pasta because it's still a little al dente. Sure, al dente to their dentures! Casey and Dale are the first team to "sell" all of their boxes. At some point we learn that the boxes are free for the customers. It is kind of sad when you can't give away free food because it's that bad.

Back in the limbo room, the cheftestants sit around and wait to be hauled in front of the judges. Sara M. in her really shrill voice -- man, has she always been that discordant in tone? -- says that all the customers really loved their dish but she can see where they went wrong. She knows they should have IQF'd everything. "IQF, IQF -- right there!" Casey booms in. It sounds like they're advertising a retirement plan. Howie sits silently and stews. I guess for some, Individually Quick Frozen is a retirement plan.

Judges' Table. Padma asks Rocco what he thought of the challenge. "I think what's happening among the great chefs of the world is that there's a recognition that home replacement is an important category," Rocco recites. "Home replacement"? That sounds like something that happens to post-menopausal women when they move. Colicchio notes that not everyone learned their IQF lesson, and Rocco adds that the teamwork was clearly not working between Howie and Sara M. and Hung and Joey. Gail thought that Hung and Joey's dish was "overcooked to the point of disintegration" and unremarkable in its flavors. Gail asks what the judges thought about the saffron in Howie and Sara M.'s dish. They had saffron as well as Pernod? Ew. Colicchio deems the dish a "real disaster on so many different levels." Gail loved Casey and Dale's meatballs, but Colicchio once again complains about the tinned artichoke hearts, and Rocco comments that the meatball he got was still a bit frozen in the middle. Rocco says he "gave them the eye" when he asked if they tasted their dish before serving and they assured him they did; "Unfortunately, they missed one." Rocco praises CJ and Tre's flavor combination, but Colicchio crabs that their dish wasn't Mediterranean in flavor. Rocco leans forward and says, "I disagree with you. What was not Mediterranean?" Colicchio names the truffles, and Padma parrots, "The truffles." There's some argument between Colicchio and Rocco about where truffles come from and Padma -- more to herself than anyone -- moves her hands in the air and says, "North…" Colicchio insists that while truffles may come from Italy, they aren't from the Mediterranean. "Come on," Rocco argues. Colicchio looks at Gail and says no more. As much as I like how Rocco challenged Colicchio, I do think Colicchio is correct that truffles aren't strictly what would be deemed as part of Mediterranean flavors. However, Padma did tell the cheftestants to do "a new Italian-style, Mediterranean frozen pasta meal for two." So, by that token, the truffles are still "Italian-style." I don't think they made the parameters of the challenge totally clear. Colicchio says he also liked Brian and Sara N.'s dish. Padma goes to call back Tre, CJ, Casey, and Dale.

In front of the judges, the four cheftestants are congratulated for being the top dishes, and Colicchio wants to know what they thought of the challenge. CJ really didn't find it that difficult because they just examined the bags and saw how things were frozen. As CJ explains their approach, Tre just stands there, his lips pursed, his face set. Is being on Top Chef bringing back bad memories for Tre? Because he always stands at attention as if he's being yelled at by a drill sergeant. Tre says they really read into the rules, in that they were given two hours to prep but also got an additional hour the day to prep, "'Cuz, if anything -- it's IQF: individually quick frozen. Those things need to be assembled during that hour." When Colicchio sticks them with the truffles question, Tre responds that they wanted to think of it as both Italian and Mediterranean. CJ adds that he's had truffles all over Italy, including in Sicily. Colicchio says no more about the truffles. Turning to Dale and Casey, Rocco mentions that the meatball he sampled was undercooked, "And uh, I was trying to tell you without telling you that you should maybe taste it again." What other things does Rocco do without doing them -- run a restaurant? Colicchio enjoyed the meatball dish except for the metallic-tasting artichoke hearts. Oh, come on -- it's irony! (Sort of like goldy or silvery but with iron!) Rocco praises their pesto highly. Colicchio then tediously asks each cheftestant to say what going to Italy would mean to them. Tre says he plans to open an Italian restaurant, so it would just serve to further his education on the cuisine, and he's really got the best response out of all of them. It's very "Sir! Yessir! I will go to Italy! I will open an Italian restaurant! It will be good!" The other three are just like, "I love Italy. It is pretty. It has good food. And flowers and butterflies and I will sing and be happy." Rocco tells CJ and Tre that they will be the ones going to Italy. CJ tells us he's very happy and Tre tells the judges, "I'll smile now." He grins sort of scarily.

After recapping a super-sized, Rocco-rich episode, I refuse to recap his stupid Bertolli commercials.

In the back, CJ bellows and does a jig of joy to celebrate their win. All the cheftestants clap, and Howie, Sara M., Hung, and Joey are told to sally forth and be judged for the sum of their parts. Hung recounts that their dish failed because of mushy pasta and a lack of IQF. Gail asks why that all didn't happen. Hung pretty much blames Joey. Joey protests that he did not hear Hung say that they could separate everything and freeze it and pack it the day. He admits that Hung said something and he wasn't paying attention and he just wanted to make sure they had everything packed and ready for the day. Colicchio points out that Joey is getting blamed for the loss. "I'm not blaming Joey," Hung says. "Well, you are," Colicchio announces. "Yes, you are," we can hear Padma say somewhere. "I'm not blaming Joey," Hung says stubbornly. Padma asks if Hung should blame himself for not getting Joey to do what he wanted and what he knew was right. Joey insists he's not that stubborn, he just didn't comprehend the rules and didn't listen to Hung telling him what they should do. Joey explains that Hung should have slammed some boards down and gotten his attention and there would have been no problem. ["Okay, I totally love Joey's whole defense here. 'I am so dumb and worthless and it's Hung's fault that he didn't just sit me in a corner and do the whole task himself.' Stupid Hung!" -- Joe R] Rocco asks about the choice of pasta and Hung says he wanted to do penne. Joey says he never knew that and that Hung grabbed fusilli first. "I chose penne," Hung says. "It was fusilli first and I said, 'Let's go with the tri-colored.'" "It was penne," Hung says again and explains that fusilli is thinner than linguini. I guess that's his way of proving that it never would have been his choice.

Howie says they went with fusilli because it had the ridges needed to pick up their sauce. Colicchio asks why their dish was so dry. Howie explains they had problems with a sauté pan and had to switch sauté plans and then admits that when the meal came out as a big block of ice, they realized they did it all wrong. Sara M. admits they only IQF'd halfway -- if I hear IQF ever again I'm going to go AWOL -- and they should have done it all the way. Howie says there was nothing in the Bertolli bag that made it clear how it was done. Rocco disagrees and points out, "There were little chunks of sauce, the vegetables were all separate, the pasta's separate…" Colicchio doesn't think Sara M. did enough to participate. She disagrees and points out all the ways she was nagging Howie to do mirepoix and tomato paste in the stock. Since they seem to be going in that direction, Howie then decides to throw Sara M. under the bus and says he didn't even want to do the stupid fusilli, "It's the most boring pasta in the world to me -- I never woulda went near it. What she contributed was fennel to this dish and saffron, maybe." It sounds like she also contributed fusilli. Howie bellows on, "If you wanna know what? I shut my mouth to be a team player but this has been coming and you wanna know what -- outta everybody that I could have drawn outta the block and been a partner with, this is the last person I wanted to be with." Sara M. says she was trying to keep things civil because Howie is a "little bulldoggish." Colicchio says, "Sometimes it's worth it," but Sara M. felt like she was running up against a brick wall. Brick shithouse, more like. Padma dismisses them.

Padma doesn't know where to begin. Because she's baked. Rocco says both dishes were "depressingly bad." As depressingly bad as the second season of The Restaurant? Gail pans Hung and Joey's dish, but Colicchio comments that at least the tomato sauce was thick and rich and had flavor. Padma points out that Hung and Joey didn't "sell" any of their packets. "They couldn't sell free food, right," Gail agrees. "It's kinda sad." More debate about who was worse.

In Limbo, Sara M. insists she wasn't stabbing Howie in the back, and if it felt that way, she's sorry. Howie's not accepting it and bellows that "every fucking five minutes [she] had shit coming out of her mouth." Sara M. insists it's the way he speaks to people. "The way Ispeak to people?" Howie repeats. Sara M. tells Howie he should have confronted her if he had a problem with her, but Howie says it wouldn't have done any good because the food would have been the same. "No it wouldn't have," CJ says, which prompts Casey to shrill, "Nooooo, it sounds like --" and then CJ picks it up and says, "It sounds like if you never confronted her about something you were mad about --" Howie brushes aside his aggravation with Sara M. and says he still stands behind the dish they made but when Sara M. turned on him in front of the judges, he had his own daggers to throw and he threw them. Honestly, what else was Sara M. supposed to say when Colicchio accuses her of not doing anything? Howie goes on, "I have no problem speaking my mind." "You don't?" CJ says jokingly. "I'm speaking it now, aren't I?" Howie says, refusing to get CJ's joke. "I know, that was my sarcastic --" CJ tries to explain. "You know what? Don't analyze me, please -- I really don't need it," Howie orders. "No, it was a sarcastic comment," CJ explains. "Okay, well, you wanna know what? Just don't. Because I don't need it -- awright?" Howie says finally.

By Keckler

After recapping a super-sized, Rocco-rich episode, I refuse to recap his stupid Bertolli commercials.

By Keckler

"So, now we've just gotta decide who's going home," Gail says back at the table. Oh my god -- you haven't done that yet?! This episode is taking for-freaking-EVER!

All four losers are finally back in front of the judges and Colicchio ONCE AGAIN goes over the concept of the challenge before going down the line and again telling each cheftestant why they sucked. Padma tells Joey he's going home. NOOOOOOOOOO! Joey drops his head and chokes, "Okay. No problem. Thank you for the opportunity. It's been a great time." Colicchio tells him, "Personally, I think you're a great guy, I think you did some great stuff -- this was just not your day." His face getting redder and redder, Joey thanks them again and tries to head out but Hung is in his way as he bows to the chefs. Hung sticks his hand out to Joey to show no hard feelings, but Joey just engulfs the short cheftestant in a huge walking hug. The two of them walk out together. Joey tells us he was not going to go out screaming like a lunatic: "I came in like a professional, I want to leave like a professional." His face is wet in the confessionals and he's all stuffed up. Joey walks into the back and barely gets out, "Sorry guys, I'm goi --" And bends over into sobs. Brian reaches out a long arm to pat him and Joey stands up to hug him. Joey tells us he regrets his stubbornness. CJ hugs Joey, Tre hugs Joey. Joey tells us that his whole life people have told him he's not good enough to do certain things, "You know what? You know, out of all the people in the world, I made it onto Top Chef season three." Joey and Howie hug long and hard and one of them says, "I'm proud of you." Okay, THAT'S when I lost it. Given how Howie and Joey had been before, this just killed me. Joey, his voice continuing to break, tells us he's going to go back to New York with his head held high and he's going to take a lot of new friendships with him. He shakes his head, sobs, and covers his eyes, "And it's hard." Joey finally lifts Sara N. in a twirly hug and grabs his bag and leaves. Joey sobs to us that he's going to miss everyone and scrubs at his eyes with a crumpled napkin. Joey promises this isn't the last we'll hear or see of him. He's a fighter. Bye, Joey From New York, I really will miss you.

week: the cheftestants go out drinking and dancing, and Sara N. is crying and telling Howie he's "more of an asshole every day."