You know, we aren't even HALFWAY through season three, yet they feel it's time for a reunion? To be fair, this isn't so much of a season three reunion as it is the season two reunion we never got because most parties involved would have killed each other and/or forced the viewers to kill themselves for having to sit through even more season two detritus. However, whatever you want to call it, I have to give this ep an "F" for how they grubbed up the hastily buried Marcel Mess hatchet and for the way Ilan kept twisting around to look at others behind him in his eternal search for validation.
The infamous and blog-happy Andy Cohen, nattily attired for summer heat in a beige suit and no tie on his several-button-opened blue shirt, welcomes us to the shit-stirring fest. Sitting safely on Andy's side of the room -- and well out of spitting distance -- are Colicchio, Gail, Ted Allen, and Padma. Already I know this isn't going to go well because when Andy talks and gives us his profile, I hone in on the fact he juts out his lower lip like a grouper. Settled on red couches and stools are past cheftestants and winners, and tonight we get to deal with Harold (always a delight), Ilan (dressed up like a pubescent Orville Redenbacher), Sam, Lia, Dave, Lee Anne (looking unbelievably gorgeous), Micah, Cliff, Mikey (known in these pages as "Flounder"), Camille, and Clay. Pausing a moment in his intros, Andy notes that both Mikey and Ilan are in tuxes. Well, Ilan's in one, Mikey -- surprise, surprise -- already looks like he's gotten through the wedding, had a few beers to many, danced to way too many songs, including the ill-conceived "I Will Survive" and is about to start pawing over the food left on people's abandoned plates. That is to say, his bow tie is already hanging off, making him appear decidedly rumpled. But the bow tie also still tied -- is he wearing a ready-made bow tie? Andy cracks that Mikey and Ilan should consider working as doormen, and since the rest of the crowd caws over this and Ilan just looks abashed that his attire isn't being praised to the high heavens, I might have to love Andy a little for that one. At least as doormen they'd be gainfully employed. Mikey jokes, "I was kinda going for the driver thing -- I just got my license back from the DMV." Everyone laughs. Because suspended licenses are funny. Just ask Paris Hilton and, very possibly, Lindsay Lohan. Andy calls the judges the "Mount Rushmore of food criticism." I wonder if he's implying that they all have big giants heads or simply that parents drag their carsick children across blistering hot states in an unairconditioned station wagon just to gaze on their stony visages and eat ice cream with tongue depressors.
Getting things underway, Andy says they have a whole bunch of questions that fans have sent in to Bravo. He starts with a video from Jean-Georges who, through his thick French accent, says he's a fan of the show and loves year in particular because his sous chef, Lia, is on it. Okay, Andy? That was nice and all, but it wasn't a question. But I have to give a big, "Awww!" to Jean-Georges for being so cute. Andy, laughing at Lia's shame, says it would appear that Jean-Georges didn't watch last week. We get a blip back to the most recent episode in order to rewatch Lia's offing. Lia admits she was surprised at being kicked off so early, but given what she put out in that episode, it wasn't entirely unexpected. Colicchio weighs in and says, "I think you're trained more in French cooking and as you're asked to go outside your comfort zone, sometimes it's difficult and I think that's what we saw there." Shows how much you know, Colicchio, Jean-Georges isn't just French food. God.
Andy asks the Big Giant Heads what their favorite dishes across the seasons have been. For Colicchio, it was Tiffani's Finale artichoke risotto with pork belly. (Of course, because we've always known it's "Colicchio and Tiffani sitting in a tree, c-o-o-k-i-n-g! First comes lunch, then comes dinner, then comes Harold 'cuz he's the WINNER!") Padma slowly says that she loved Ilan's fideo; "I kept asking the other judges if they were going to finish their plate and I think I actually ate all of mine and some of Tom's." That's the real reason why she and Rushdie are divorcing. Gail loved Harold's Finale Kobe beef, and Ted Allen was partial to Sam's ceviche -- somewhere in season two -- and Howie's pork. Which pork? He's done so many! Oh, it looks like it's the pork chops and applesauce from Classic Comfort Family Favorites. Some not so favorite dishes include Clay's fruit gazpacho, Marcel's Cobb Salad ice cream, Betty's Curdletini, Sam's watermelon and gorgonzola (in the studio, Sam hides his face), and Mikey's Cheeto Penis. At the reunion, Mikey -- after having stood up to accept his penile plaudits -- laughs that the Cheeto Penis is his signature dish and he makes them all the time. He's high all the time. Hysterically, when Andy asks if Clay wants to defend his amuse, he says firmly, "Not at all." Hee, and aw. Poor Clay.
And now the questions. A viewer wants to know how the judges manage to stay slim after tasting all that food. Ted Allen says that they all take really small bites and then he points at Padma, saying she eats more than he does. Padma -- just like so many supermodels -- admits, "I have a big appetite," and then adds that all her spare time is spent exercising. Ilan glances at someone with a look I totally read as, "MUNCHIES!" Padma then goes on about how we would notice how she gained weight in season two and then tapered off. Is she serious? A: Is anyone really that obsessed with her?; B: Oh, right, there was that one time she looked like she had gained two whole ounces; and C: Please, Padma, yank the other one.
, Micah gets to address a reader question about whether she thinks all American food sucks. She defends herself by saying she never said all American food sucks because she has an American mother and a South African father and would never discount an entire country like that. Harking back to the erroneous, "You Americans" ketchup thing, Micah says, "I was simply describing it. Just as I would say, 'Indian people put chutney with their curry.'" Oh God, take out foot, swallow leg. Padma drawls, "We don't, by the way." Man, thank God she didn't say anything about black people. Of course, then she could have defended herself by saying she is half-African. Micah also admits that she went to school in Massachusetts and then says that all they ate at her house was goulash, stroganoff, and curry. They never really ate "American" food. What is "American" food, really? Aren't we just a red, white, and blue melting pot, from which we all can suckle in order to nurture our nation? Aren't we all -- Latinos, Asians, Swedes, Italians, oppressed Frisians -- chefs of our culture? Can't we all claim copyright to our proud recipes of freedom? Shouldn't we all fasten our tongues to the AmeriCone Dream? At this point, Micah reiterates that she's half-and-half, "I'm African-American," and we get an unnecessary cut to Cliff, as he's the only black person there. He doesn't look amused as everyone laughs at Micah saying she's "a very pale African-American."
Andy reads a fan question about Colicchio's Sniff 'n' Sneer asks if Clay was nervous when Colicchio checked in on him. We get a flashback of Clay's shaky hands arranging his dish for his first and last Elimination Challenge. Clay admits to be so nervous he was "shitting" his pants. We now move into a montage of the various ways the judges have been the judges, and how we have learned so very much from them. For instance, with the heading of "Chefs work better when medicated," we get the judges reacting to Mikey cooking under the Vicodin influence. Then there's "Tom eats like he's on Top Surgeon" and we get clips of Tom carefully dissecting his food. Gail gets treated to "Gail flaunts her culinary knowledge" and we are reminded that she said awe-inspiring things like, "Great salads take a lot of imagination" and "Food is for eating." There are a mass of Colicchio clips where he's talking about "finger-pointing" and also the inevitable, "This isn't Top 'Fill in the Blank.'" Back in the studio, Andy wants to know about Colicchio's fork skills. Colicchio shrugs that he never noticed it before, and Padma jumps to his defense saying Colicchio was dividing up food for the other judges. Not every time, Padma. Did you watch those clips or were you getting busy with your Visine? Gail finalizes with, "He's trying to be dainty," and I have to love her for putting the "dainty" and "Colicchio" together in my head. With lace gloves. And a teacup.
Another fan wants to know if the judges know who's going home ahead of time, because it doesn't appear they spend too much time deliberating the issue. The judges all shout this down and say it really takes a lot of time. Colicchio admits that he goes in with the idea of who he thinks should win and then they all have a debate about it. Ted Allen turns the question to the cheftestants, asking if they ever thought a decision was flat-out wrong. Sandee says she was shocked by the decision to send her home and again we get the argument that she poached her lobster tail and didn't really use the grill to cook it. Sandee wants to know why they judge every episode on its own and don't take all past performances into consideration. The easy answer from the judges is, "That's what we've been told to do."
question: Was Clay's elimination tough on him and did he get ribbed by his friends when he went back home? Clay says it was a great time, and, dude, he got to be on TV! None of his friends are going to ride him for that! The question leads us into a nice montage of Harold's Perilla in New York. The restaurant is open and it's doing well, due in no small part to Top Chef fans, who are specifically eating there and being supportive. Yay, Harold! Some of the cheftestants have eaten there and others haven't gotten a chance. Colicchio has eaten there and calls Harold a "chef's chef" and says that the restaurant really reflects who Harold is. Andy's question puts forth the odd idea that the season three cheftestants "have it pretty cushy," and considering that, does Harold think season three could beat his season one? Harold smartly answers another question when he says, "The only people that I would ever consider going back for a smackdown would be season one cook-off against the judges." Ted Allen thinks there are a "couple" of the judges who could put up a formidable challenge, though he admits he's not volunteering himself. Colicchio. Colicchio is the only one I could see being a big challenge. Not Gail and not Padma. Of course, if we're taking guest judges into consideration, that's another story, but I don't think that's what Harold is saying. Frankly, I'd love to see Colicchio sweat through a Quickfire. The answer to two more questions is that the season two cheftestants -- Dave, Harold, and Lee Anne -- hang out when they can, and that Lee Anne and Harold are NOT dating. None of the rest of the cheftestants are dating, either. However, Clay cracks, "Me and Sandee." Sandee shyly cracks back, "Wrong gender, dude."
Jumping off another question, Lee Anne explains that her new job as culinary producer has her behind the cameras, helping to form and set the challenges. In order to assure us that yes, Project Runway is coming back one of these days, we cut over to a video of Tim Gunn asking, "Was Stephen from season one...real? I never quite...understood him." My joy in seeing Tim Gunn almost keeps me from mentioning that Stephen was as real as some of the wack-jobs he had to deal with. Santino? Vincent? Lupe? Wendy Pepper? People crack up, while explaining and defending the absent Stephen as really being that affected but also being a genuinely intelligent guy and good chef. Harold laughs and calls Stephen a cross between Barry Manilow and Rod Stewart with a little Tim Gunn added to the mix.
are clips from various cheftestants' audition tapes. Thankfully, we aren't subject to Betty's jumping jacks or whatever that was, but we get Clay -- I think? -- doing The Worm, someone unidentifiable in a Captain America costume (one of the Brians?), Dale talking about his "huge caveman hands," CJ telling us a disturbing story about using his fake testicle to hammer on an open beer bottle, Ilan being Ilan, Hung admitting he swings both ways, Howie saying he's as emotional as a woman, Harold enjoying knives, Dave talking way too fast, and Sam talking about the things he would do in duck fat (yes, sex is one of them). The Brians are shown saying, "I'd like to see what Coliculo [sic] could do in like twenty minutes. I'd like to see what his Quickfire would be." Another voice asks incredulously, "Would you say that to him?" The Brians pause as a Brian changeover takes place and none of them really wants to give an answer. Back in the studio, Andy wants to know if Sam has had sex -- Andy says "made love," which: way too Designing Women -- in duck fat yet. He hasn't but he as he said, he'd try anything once. At this point, Ilan tries to climb on top of Sam, grunting. Apparently, he doesn't even need the duck fat. Once he's back to keeping his testicles to himself, Ilan is asked if he thinks anyone was cast purely for their looks. Saying he can only judge from his season, Ilan cracks that Frank was definitely cast for his looks. We cut to that naked-looking Frank shot. Colicchio steps in and, amid cuts of Candice being a model in various states of undress, says that Candice was probably cast for her looks because she really didn't have the culinary chops to go very far. Sandee adds that she notices Casey is being portrayed as a sexpot -- cut to a shot of Casey sunbathing that we haven't even seen yet -- but she thinks Casey is truly a good chef. Good chef, maybe. Good geographer, definitely not.
After some blessed, blessed commercials, Andy welcomes us back to a "chef-tastic" edition of Watch What Happens, and we go back over to Tim Gunn, who squints and wants to know what the hell Ilan is doing. Oh, how I wish Tim Gunn were in the room because he could then turn that squint on Ilan's cuffs and add, "Besides waiting for the proverbial flood." Well, Ilan is given some time to get his vacillating thoughts together as we watch him perform and lose to Jacques Pepin at the Food and Wine Classic in Aspen. We cut over to Michelle Bernstein at the Classic, who expresses the thought that yes, Ilan was the winner, but Sam is the one with all the ladies lining up for him. Bunch of scenes of Sam getting his photo taking with lots and lots of chicks. At one point he whispers to the cameras that one chick in particular grabbed his ass. She was looking for the duck fat. Ilan is interviewed as saying, "Sam surrounds himself by [sic] ladies because he's insecure." Ilan surrounds himself "by" slag-offs on others because he's a tool AND a douchebag. Back in the studio, Ilan has the grace to look somewhat ashamed of himself and says, "Wow." Does he not remember saying these things? Does he have douchebag blackouts? Ted Allen asks Ilan who he surrounds himself with. "People that I love," Ilan says. Note that he does not say, "People who love me," because there wouldn't be enough of them to circumscribe even 15% of his ego. Ted Allen says he's seen Ilan's entourage. Yeah, it's the bum that lives on his front stoop, a pack of stray dogs, and a little girl who wants his tiny Louis Vuitton briefcase for her Felicity doll. Sam is asked what his response to Ilan is. "About being insecure?" Sam retorts quickly, "Oh, no -- I'm not insecure. I don't know." Padma weighs in with her opinion that the ladies seeking out Sam has nothing to do with him personally. He's shy and reserved and the ladies all gravitate to him. Andy notes that Gail was helping Ilan in the cook-off. She was his sous chef and Ilan can attest to her kitchen skills. Ilan -- realizing he needs to get someone on his side with some shallow compliments -- says, "Fucking bad-ass."
And now the question Ilan has been preparing for: what are you actually doing with yourself when you're not buying knock-off fashion? Ilan gibbers the same response we've been hearing for months: entertaining offers, doing demos all over, traveling, can't commit to any one thing at this point because he's just in SUCH high demand. Read: no one wants to hire me for anything because I'm such an UNBELIEVABLE turd. And while we're happily scraping open unhealed wounds, how does Sam feel about not being in the finale? Sam admits he thought he was going further than he did. We cut back to the Judges' Table discussion of his dish and Colicchio saying Sam didn't cook anything. Back in the studio, Colicchio would like it to be known that all we viewers ever get is mere snippets of what all they said. He's surprised that what made it -- out of two hours of deliberation -- was his comment that Sam didn't cook. Okay, so I appreciate that Colicchio is expressing discontent over getting the edit he did, but it would also be helpful if he maybe gave us some insight of what else he said in those two hours. Andy tries to defend his side of the show by saying, "It was my understanding that you guys went so back and forth on that it was kind of --" Not according to all the judges. Padma felt one way and Colicchio felt the opposite. That sort of sounds like going back-and-forth to me, but if the judges' are protesting how they were portrayed, I'm on their side. Sam admits he felt he had it in the bag that day. Colicchio says all the dishes were good, and Gail adds that because all the dishes are good, it does end up getting down to the real nitpicky stuff. The tiny details.
And here we move to why people love reality television: the drama. We cut back to Stephen vs. Candice in the Tool and Douchebag round, Howie vs. Joey in the Battle of the Bulges, Miguel vs. Tiffani in the Snake -- TSSSS! debate, and finally, of course, Marcel vs. Almost Everyone. Apparently they cut a Marcel vs. Ilan fight short because back in the studio, Mikey offers, "There's so much more to that one -- he told him he didn't deserve to have laiggs." ...Good one. Was he trying to riff off of the Miguel insult? "You're a snake tssss! You don't even deserve...to have legs." It's like that psychedelic Sesame Street Simple Simon thing where the snake has wings of a duck and legs of a sheep, but the snake doesn't deserve to have wings or feet and talks like Peter Lorre for some reason. Were we all on drugs as kids? Because how did that seem normal? Andy mentions that they asked Marcel to appear, but he was smartly on a fishing trip. (He's still looking for the Kona-Kampachi he misplaced in Hawaii.) Andy wants to know what the deal was between Marcel and Ilan. Ilan sort of passes it off as a clash of disparate personalities and admits it went both ways but only gives an example of Marcel being a dick. Andy asks all of season two to comment whether Marcel was portrayed accurately. Mikey says, "They gave him a break -- they made him look like a victim or somethin'." That there is why I actually had to stop recapping this and take a three-hour break. He WAS a fucking VICTIM! Cliff and Sam and Ilan and Elia all MADE him a fucking victim! Jesus Crust -- I wasn't even on the guy's side until it was clear they were all gunning for him with Betty and her purple neck and Ilan with the homophobic crap and Elia with the Benedict Arnoldness. Also, if it was Marcel who supposedly didn't deserve to have legs, doesn't that make him more of a victim? Because he has skate around the streets in a box asking for money? Thankfully, Lee Anne saves my throat, torn raw from screaming about the ridiculous crap that was season two and visiting my dark place as a result, and loudly interjects that as Marcel is not there to FUCKING defend himself, she would like to say that she thinks he's talented and really does have a point of view. Unlike Ilan who's only point of view has to do with saffron and stealing from Café Mono and not doing a damn thing lately. Andy tries BELATEDLY to move away from Marcel by asking if there's anyone like Marcel in season three. Of course, they all say that it's Hung. Lia -- the Lee Anne of her season -- steps in to say that she personally really liked Hung, but on this show you live with one personality and often cook with another. Lia admits that Hung was getting a bit careless in the kitchen, knife-wise, and it's unprofessional in her opinion. Ted Allen interjects that television cameras become "jerk-magnets." Meaning, the cameras turn on and these contestants turn into completely different people. Colicchio adds, "Everyone knows that the camera puts on ten pounds of bitch." You know, that's the second week in a row that Colicchio's said "bitch" and it still sounds against all nature. Padma puts her hands up to her mouth in a very girly way, and you don't know if she's scandalized by Colicchio's language or the idea of ten pounds.
Andy turns to Cliff and Clippergate. Just in case we all forgot the disturbing scene, we get to watch it again! YAY! We hear Ilan bleat, "Come on! Come on!" And there you have it, ladies and gentlemen -- your Top Chef champion. Sickening. Cliff says the whole thing borders on an "out-of-body" experience. Andy wants to know if he's spoken to Marcel post-show. Cliff says, "I have had contact with him and everything's cool." Ilan is leering up at Cliff, and I just want to RIP his FACE off. Ye gods, I am not a violent person but I swear to fucking Yoda, Ilan gets under my skin faster than a wasp sting. Andy wants to know how the whole thing went from them all joking around to attempted head shaving. Wait, shh! Let's listen to Ilan discourse on this: "There was no animosity behind it -- it was just to be funny." NO ANIMOSITY?! What the hell did we just see with the Marcel vs. The World? And Mikey repeating that he didn't deserve to have legs? How is that not animosilicious? (Okay, I know that isn't a real word, but there was no REAL episode this week so I needed a neologism to sate my overweening ego.) Gail wants to know if any of them realized what serious shit they were in at the time or if they just went to bed and thought all was well on the Western Omelet Front. Cliff admits that none of them realized it was going to be "that huge." Andy now feels it's safe to ask, "In the light of day, do you think it was fair that you were eliminated? "Oh, absolutely," Cliff says even before Andy finishes his sentence, "Yeah. Absolutely." I'm glad to hear that. Simply because I don't think Ilan, Elia, or Sam have really shown enough remorse or the slightest hint of realization that what they did -- even if they didn't really do anything but were just standing there being That Guy -- was disgusting and cowardly. Of course, Colicchio wants to get in that the "real unfortunate thing" (I hope he means, "aside from Marcel getting attacked") was that Cliff could have gone all the way were it not for his thuggish behavior. Cliff admits, "It was a stupid thing," and then seems desirous of nodding away any more discussion of any more what-could-have-beens.
Andy then turns to showing us some never-before-seen footage, which show Elia, Sam, Marcel, Ilan, and Cliff parodying Quickfires. Elia minces and works her face just like Padma, and Sam plays the guest judge. They stage a Quickfire of steak and eggs with thirty seconds to cook, and Bravo even patched in the Quickfire music. Cliff, Marcel, and Ilan rush to cook their steak and eggs. Cliff's doing something with beer and eggs, and Marcel's squirting ketchup and mustard and it's INSANITY I TELL YOU CRAZYSEXYFUN INSANITY. Elia and Sam taste the dishes, with Elia taking care to keep her hand stuck Padma-ly to her hip, and Elia picks up eggs and throws them disdainfully back on the plate. Elia picks up a steak and says, "Just like the shoe...of my mother." Ilan plays up how he was strapped for time, and Elia sneers, "But you had thirty seconds." Now they are at a Judges' Table and Elia sneers that they were very disappointed in the chefs. Sam says, "I'd like to ask Cliff a question -- why did your beef taste like beef?" Elia adds, "I mean, I'm still tasting the beef." "It tastes like cow," Sam agrees. It totally harkens back to Michelle Bernstein saying that Elia's kidneys tasted like kidneys. Their decision is that they should all pack their knives and go.
Okay, so if this was the hilarity that ensued right before the head-shaving, I can see why the idea of "all in good fun" might have existed. Too bad Bravo didn't want to give us these scenes to provide some sort of context to what followed. I'm not excusing the attack, because clearly, there came a point when Marcel was "no means no" and they still didn't let up, but still, we now know what Bravo wanted us to see. Yet Ilan still won. Gross. Back in the studio, Ilan explains that sometimes they wanted to go to bed at four in the morning, but other times they were too keyed up. "And you do skits when you're home and you're tired," Dave says, raising his eyebrows and examining his palms. We just learned more about his alone time than we ever wanted to know. "Why don't we do more skits?" the Evil Dr. Mathra asks plaintively.
Some fan wants to know what's the worst thing about living with other chefs. Starting with Dave, we learn that having both Stephen and Ken as roommates was sarcastically "great." "I knew I was on a reality show when those were my two roommates," Dave says, rolling his eyes. Cut to Ken screaming, "HOWAAAA" or somesuch and steeling his blades. Then we cut to Stephen sabreing a bottle of Champagne. Andy adds, "And I heard Ken had actual -- like a hard time sleeping." Dave says -- cutting back to Ken steeling his blades -- that Ken had night terrors. Night terrors of himself, it seems. Ken would go crazy and jump off the bed and roll on the floor, screaming. Dave said they had to get the doctor in and it was bad. Was Ken in Nam or something? Because I swear I saw all that behavior on a Magnum P.I. rerun. It was the one where Rick is after a shady dame, and T.C. doesn't want to loan Magnum his helicopter. Ted Allen wonders how weird it is for them to not have access to cell phones, internet, television or newspapers. Weird enough to make one have night terrors, apparently. Camille and Micah respond about how hard it was not to be able to check in on their businesses and their kids. Sandee says, "For the single people on our episode, it was like Spring Break -- they were having a blast."
Cutting over to Jackie Warner, who WARNS us against the empty calories found in a bottle of booze, we get clips of the cheftestants drinking and drinking and drinking. "You guys do seem to drink a lot," Andy says, all finger-shakingly. Didn't we learn that it's Bravo who stocks them up with beer and very little else? Ticking stuff on his fingers, Colicchio says, "If you can't watch TV, and you can't have phones, and you can't listen to the radio, and you can't, like, sneak away and screw, so what else is there to do?" EWWWW! I do not want to hear Colicchio say "screw"! Does this mean he CAN do this? Does this mean he DOES do this? Oh God, this means that every time he's not on screen I'm gonna think he's off doing just that!
up is a pandering Padma question about her perennial hotness, and a fan -- who says he would drink her bathwater, which reminds me of that Trekkie who drank Jon DeLancie's flu water -- wants to know how the cheftestants get any work done around her. Before getting to the answers, we get a Padma fashion clip show. Most of it is abs and do-rags on the beach, but there's the pap smear shorts as well. Tim Gunn wants us to know that he LOVES Padma's style and that she works it and should keep working it. Michelle Bernstein -- all scary smiles -- tells us she's surprised Padma doesn't get burned more considering her lack of clothing. One hilarious cut has Padma flaring her eyes and patting her big hair, saying, "We're missing a spatula that I use for a mirror." Colicchio jumps to Padma's defense as well saying, "She's not cooking in that kitchen!" Padma says, "It doesn't matter -- all I have to do on the show is think, speak, and eat, and I'm dressed perfectly for those three tasks." Yeah, but honey? We've heard you don't do two of those very well. Padma says she's going to keep opening her closet and wearing the things in it. Ted Allen applauds, and Gail says, "Bravo." Padma says, "People don't know this but Gail is much more of a..." "I'm the real slut, is what she's trying to say," Gail jokes. Not slut, no way -- just boobtacular. Sandee steps up to say that on behalf of all the chefs, Padma is a real pleasure when she comes into the kitchen, so she doesn't care what she's wearing. Still on Padma, another fan wants to know about the scar on her arm. Hey, fan from Wisconsin -- did you ever hear of Google? Or that thing people around the office refer to as "The internet"? The Wisconsin fan and her husband suspect Padma had surgery when she was young. "No, it's actually from when I was tiger hunting in Bengal --" Padma deadpans amidst roars of laughter. Padma admits her scar is from a car accident she was in when she was fourteen.
Moving on to other personal subjects, a fan from Guerneville, CA wants Colicchio to know that he's become an icon of the "Bear" community. Everyone dissolves into laughter -- Ilan especially. He looks like a monkey. Apparently, because Andy doesn't know of such things, he asks Ted Allen to translate the gay. "My understanding of the Bear community, which is extremely limited, is that it's gay men who appreciate...muscular, strong, really masculine, burly men. So apparently, the burly gay men of American find you delicious, Tom." Colicchio giggles, "Hear! Hear! to the burly gay men of America," and gives an embarrassed thumbs-up, while Padma strokes him in congratulations. However, just to make sure that we ALL KNOW HE'S HETERO SO HANDS OFF BOYS, Colicchio says, "You know, as long as I go home, my wife and my son appreciate me, I'm happy."
Andy would like us to know that while there are five stages of grief, there are also five stages of being on a reality show. God, do we really have to do this? Stage One is Denial with Hung saying his beige dish didn't lack color and more along that line. Stage Two is Anger with Frank telling someone (probably Marcel) to shove his head up his ass, and Mia telling Cliff to "put [your] dick away" (Can I get a black bone?) and stuff like that, lots of swearing, mostly. Stage Three is Bargaining, with Ken trying to defend talking back to Hubert Keller, and Mia pleading to be sent home for Elia's sake. Stage Four is Depression, with Emily crying, and Elia crying, and Sara M. crying, and Casey wondering what the wet stuff is coming down from her eyes, and lots and lots of Dave being a big, red, crying polar bear. Stage Five is Acceptance, with ousted cheftestants accepting their knife-packing in good grace.
Andy wants props for his brilliant parallel and asks if that pretty much sums up the Top Chef experience. "No, there's more," my wonderful Lee Anne says. "It's such a little microcosm to be put in a fishbowl for however many days and with people you don't know, it's not just the competition in the kitchen." Andy wants all the crybabies to raise their hands. Micah raises her hand, as does Ilan. "Does it count after you've been eliminated?" Lia asks. Gail thinks so. Andy targets Dave, who hysterically rolls his eyes and says, "Town crier, yes, season one, yes." Hee. Andy asks if he regrets the tears, and Dave shrugs that it's all very stressful, you're trying to win $100,000, there's a lot on the line, and you're with crazy people, "It's NOT normal!" He then adds, "I mean, I'm not normal, that's why I went on the fucking show."
Colicchio understands how hard it is to be judged on something as personal as their food. I would really love to see Colicchio in a Quickfire. Not an Elimination Challenge, because I think he could ace it, but a Quickfire where he has to cook from vending machines or gas stations. I'll bet he has a "no hugging, no cooking" clause in his contract. Ted Allen is surprised that Ilan raised his hand because he never saw him "crying in the corner." Ilan -- who really wants us to believe he has that much of a soul -- edges forward in his seat and assures us that we didn't see it on air because it never made it, but he cried when Otto left. See, Otto -- who wasn't his professor at culinary school but was still, you know, there -- was a sort of fatherly figure to him and he was emotional when Otto left. Whatever, Ilan, you have the emotional range of a teaspoon. (YES I LOVE AND MEMORIZE HARRY POTTER SHUT UP!)
Oh, and we're finally in the home stretch of what Andy calls an "orgy of fun." If this is an orgy, celibacy must be way more stimulating. Andy wants to know if they are all better chefs for being on Top Chef. Sandee, Clay, and Mikey think so. Consider the source there. Andy asks what their public response has been. "I haven't bought a drink in over a year, you know?" Mikey drawls. And now his wife can finally open a savings account. Ted Allen wants to know if Mikey has been contacted by any dentists lately. "A lot of people thought that was herpes or something, 'cuz it looked like a cold sore," Mikey says, "And I don't have herpes, I just wanna get that out there." His wife is very happy to hear that. Gail announces that Mikey did some of his best cooking, post-oral surgery.
Andy reads another question asking how many of them would go back and do it all again. Almost all of them raise their hands, but it looks as though Micah, Camille, and Sandee don't. Andy calls Micah out for not being a watcher of the show and wonders if she's now watching it. (He's worried about those South African ratings.) Micah says her friends are forcing her to watch it but it's hard to watch yourself, especially if it's snippets of yourself. Harold, who has been silent for WAY too long, finds it crazy than any prospective cheftestant wouldn't watch seasons to see what they were in for. Seriously. Micah gets her back up, "See, but I'm an 'experience' person. My whole life has been about going out in the world and experiencing and traveling and doing things. So, I looked at it as, 'Okay, I've not done that.'" Whatever. Mikey hilariously rolls his eyes at this. ["Dude, everybody in that room hated her; it was fantastic to watch." -- Joe R] Andy asks for winner predictions. Ilan thinks that Tre is "totally solid." Shut up forever, Ilan. Also, I think Tre has been solidly middling. He's been high but he's also been very low. Many times. Sam charmingly says he thought the girls had it and adds, "But they're all here to me, so..." Harold thinks Hung's a safe bet and admits that it's way more entertaining to watch the show from the other side.
And now we say goodbye to Andy, and I can finally wake up and go to bed. You know those electron microscopes? The ones you can use to see all the parts of a naked atom? If I used that, I still would not be able to locate my interest in this episode.
Thank God I get to slap Rocco DiSpirito around week.