By Keckler
It's NEVER a party! Why don't these reality show participants realize that it's NEVER A PARTY?! Duped into thinking that they were going out to party hard in the clubs of Miami, the cheftestants doll themselves up in cleavage and heels and roll up to a club, where they learn -- dun-dun-DUN! -- that they aren't there to drink and dance, they're there to cook and serve. However, Dale, having won the Cold Stone Creamery Quickfire with his peach cobbler ice cream mix-in, gets the night off and has a Hummer-limo-escorted private dinner with guest chef and verifiable hottie Govind Armstrong.
Broken into two teams and two catering trucks, the cheftestants hand out drunk food to their drunk customers. Brian (MALARKEY!), loudly (AND INSANELY) heading up one truck, leads his team to victory, with Tre's bacon-wrapped shrimp and grits impressing Govind more than any other dish. In the other truck, Sara N., Howie, CJ, and Casey take a nose-dive and fail to impress with their timing as well as their food. Complaints were that Sara N.'s mini-burgers were underseasoned, her milkshakes were watery, and that Howie's Cuban sandwich wasn't really a Cuban sandwich.
At Judges' Table, Howie sells Sara N. out as an ineffectual teammate -- which leads to tears and recriminations in the back -- and Sara N. retorts that Howie's inflexible and obnoxious. However, since they sent Joey home last week instead of Sara M., it's definitely time for them to get rid of another chick, and Sara N. is told to pack up her boobs and go home.
I planned on having a special cocktail for Joey's specific departure, but since I was already experiencing a cocktail bottleneck last week, I totally forgot to place it. Luckily, because Sara N. is the last New York-based cheftestant to go, I can still get away with this cocktail tonight.
Man'attan2 ounces bourbon (I prefer Maker's Mark or Booker's)
1 ounce vermouth
2 dashes bitters
Maraschino cherry
The Stir:
Combine the first three ingredients in a shaker filled with ice, stir with a long-handled spoon, and strain into a cocktail glass. Add the cherry and toast Joey and Sara N.
It's morning and time for the cheftestants to react to Joey's departure from last week. Brian -- who, in this episode, really doesn't even need my help in appearing crazy -- tells us, "Joey's departure was very emotional." And then his voice gets all Joey Russo as a possible fifth Brian takes over and gabbles, "Yo, yo, yo -- you know?" Another change, as a normal-voiced Brian clarifies, "Joey's definitely going to be somebody who is going to be missed a lot in the house." Dale and CJ talk about visiting Lia, Camille, Joey, and Sara N. in New York after the show is over, and then apropos of nothing, Dale wiggles in his seat and tells us, "I'm still, like, the short, fat, gay kid that was teased in junior high, and I'm very happy I made it this far." Howie tells us that Joey was a good guy and that they had forged a friendship across their "initial difficulties," but that it's not good to get too close to anyone. He then makes sure to add, "If it's them or me, it's gonna be them."
In the Top Chef kitchens, Cold Stone Creamery has set up shop with a table and a silent Cold Stone Creamery worker who keeps her head down as she mixes ice cream on the slab of marble. Standing with guest chef and foodie hottie Govind Armstrong, Padma tells the cheftestants that they have forty-five minutes to create an original mix-in flavor for Cold Stone's sweet cream flavor. Learn from Cold Stone's mistakes: cake batter equals nation-wide salmonella outbreak. In the midst of the ensuing Food Flurry, Hung performs true to character as he scampers back to his station and drops things on the floor. Howie tells us that the sweet cream flavor would go well with berries: "If it ain't broke, don't fix it."
Meanwhile, Hung's not just going for broke, he's going for gross. He frenetically chops up cauliflower. CAULIFLOWER! ["I thought that was a chef thing. I thought maybe you'd know." -- Miss Alli] And tells us that he's going for texture, because "any monkey can make fruit berries and add nuts and make it taste good." Right, because making something taste good, that's for sissies. I mean, why make something yummy when you can make something utterly disgusting? I should note that this is the second time Hung has mentioned monkeys. However, this time it's not his monkey, it's just any random monkey who happens by on the street. Monkeys are very important in Hung's personal culture. It's his only real currency. In fact, a woman is said to be worth her weight in monkeys and a man's wealth is measured by the size of his monkey. And think of how wealthy he must be with a name like "Hung." Dale talks about how all over the place Hung was with his white chocolate cauliflower foam. Okay, this isn't Catalonia and El Bulli Creamery, Hung. This is strip malls and Cold Stone. Teenagers do not want cauliflower foam. Teenagers don't even want cauliflower. Time ticks down, and Tre makes icky faces over Casey using Sriracha chile paste in her ice cream. I'm getting heartburn already.
Time's up. Padma and Govind proceed to taste all the flavors, starting with Tre and his candied hazelnut, raspberry ginger sauce, shiso, and cherry mix-in. When Govind takes a spoonful, he seems to take care that his lips don't touch the food. Either he's an anorexic or he really isn't thrilled about the idea of these flavors. He proclaims Tre's mix-in "very, very interesting." Hung -- going a thousand miles a minute -- bangs all his spoons in his ingredient ramekins and counts off, "Candied pistachios, white chocolate, mint, tempura flakes, tamarind brown butter sauce, and cauliflower white chocolate espuma." The graphics leave out the tamarind brown butter sauce but say he had a gelee -- maybe they were the same thing? Either way: gross. I think it's a serious texture violation to have a gelee in ice cream. Suddenly finding loogie in the middle of your Tin Roof Sundae would ruin the whole Bridgeman's experience. Govind wonders why he bothered with the espuma. (By the way, I love how it's all about espumas this year -- like foams are a dirty word or something. "No, no -- it's not a foam, it's an espuma!" Because that's...different.) Hung explains that it was there to "refresh the palate." Yeah, that's what we don't have enough of in ice cream -- palate refreshers. They're called sorbets, Hung. Look it up.
Casey brings her cold stone over, and while explaining that she wanted to bring Sriracha into ice cream, she douses her ice cream with bloody slashes of the stuff. She also added poblanos, dried apricot, and potato chips. Wow -- her double-scoop of crap makes Hung's look almost appetizing. Casey's patter is, "We've talked amongst the house about how much we like Sriracha on everything, so we're going to see if it truly does go on ice cream." Govind takes a mouthful and just says, "Wow." He shudders. And it's not from pleasure. Casey admits good-naturedly, "I actually made Govind Armstrong shudder. He got a chill down his back from the interesting flavor of the ice cream. That's a first." You know, she could have made the pepper sauce work if she hadn't done all that other weird crap. Just combine it with hot fudge and a fleck of cinnamon butter to dull the vinegar-y taste while taking advantage of the heat. Moving on to Dale, Govind learns that he flambéed peaches with Grand Marnier and also candied pecans to imitate a peach cobbler topping. Govind likes it. He also likes Howie's mix-in of balsamic vinegar-macerated mixed berries with sea salt and sugar. Howie scorched the berries to crisp them up a bit, and Govind really likes it. We don't see what CJ, Sara N., or Sara M. did. I'm sort of sad we didn't hear what ice cream craziness the Brians got up to in this challenge, but there's definitely enough Briansanity later for a feast.
Govind says that both Hung and Casey were at the bottom of this challenge. Addressing Hung, Govind says, "I thought there was so much going on -- it was really difficult to decipher the flavors and how they all worked together." Hung's predictable response to us is, "Judge wanted something very simple, very catchy for the common people -- I think I just missed the whole flavor of adding fruit purees to it because that's what most people did." Get him -- "for the common people," like you're such a peasant if you don't want cauliflower crap in your ice cream. He's just one of the rarified few who are privileged enough to appreciate mixing cruciferous vegetables with soft-serve. time, he's going to create a Radish Buster Parfait and it's going to be loved by three whole people. He's that special. Govind says that Casey's Sriracha ice cream proved that he doesn't like that hot sauce on everything. His top picks are Dale and Howie, and he ultimately chooses Dale as the winner. Dale is thrilled to finally win something. Padma grins big and says, "For your Elimination Challenge...you're off the hook for now! Tonight, you'll get a chance to enjoy Miami nightlife." The cheftestants go wild. Because they're stupid and have never watched a Bravo competitive reality show in their entire lives.
Back at the Top Chef Towers, Dale and Sara N. do an odd little dance on the balcony and discuss what they're going to wear on their night out. Maybe they'll even match! (I'm not kidding, that's what they said.) Dale says that Sara N. has become his little sister, his little girlfriend/best friend: "She's just so adorable!" They raid Sara N.'s closet, so Dale can give gay fashion advice like, "It's a little frumpy -- it's a little hippy for tonight" when discussing a multi-tiered top. Sara N. says that Dale is her new gay boyfriend. Howie doesn't care what he wears, because it's not like they aren't going to be let in to wherever they're going. Howie's also "over" the whole club scene since he was born and raised in Miami and he's grown out of it. Casey flat-irons her hair and sprays it down. Or up, depending on what's needed to look even more like Jennifer Aniston. One of the Brians says, "It's great to see the girls in make-up and dressed up, you know, it's great to get us out of our work clothes. Everyone cleaned up really nice." Even MALARKEY!, who had to be talked out of wearing jeans shorts with Crocs and a wifebeater. The cheftestants leave Top Chef Towers and find a Hummer limo in the parking lot. It's nice that they're going to undo all that good their Rav 4 hybrids have been doing. The cheftestants are psyched as they clamber in. They toast each other with paper cups full of something.
Arriving at Café Nikki at Nikki Beach, the cheftestants spy Padma and Govind standing at a table outside. The Foley guys go nuts with the stock sound of tires screeching to a halt, and most of the cheftestants swear. Hung screams, "Oh my god -- donttellmewegottacookintheredudes!" Someone else screeches, "NO WAY!" and I think it's Casey. The Brians tell us they won't be clubbing that night. Damn, and I was so looking forward to seeing how he handled O'Brian's passion for the schottische along with Bryan's conviction that The Robot is still in.
After the commercials, CJ tells us that he was looking forward to going out and getting out of the house, "And then WHAMMO! There's Govind and Padma and a bunch of catering trucks, and all our dreams came to a crashing halt." I love how he trailed off at the end there. Lined up in front of Padma and Govind, all the cheftestants look pretty pissed. "Good evening, chefs!" Padma calls out brightly. "Good evening. Padma," Casey grits out, with a total and understandable bitchface on. Casey tells us that they didn't see this twist coming, and she's wearing a flimsy shirt and she certainly doesn't do Elimination Challenges in her nice clothes. Or heels, man, that's what I worried most about. Falling down and being in severe pain throughout the process. Sara M. says she really didn't give a shit that her cleavage was showing. Stay far away from the deep-fryer then, hon. Padma explains that the party at Nikki Beach starts at noon and goes until sunrise, "And so will you!" Some of the guys are all, "Oh, yeah! Bring it on!"
But Casey is just mad and pissed and angry and annoyed. Padma tells them they'll be making drunk food. She couches it as "food that will satisfy the late-night partier," but that's way too classy for what is essentially sustenance to keep you from having a massive hangover the day. But it's drunk food, pure, simple, and preferably not classy. No foams here, Hung. Govind explains that he has a late-night dining menu at his restaurants, so he has a great time creating menus "for those people that enjoy cocktailing and whatnot." I think the "whatnot" is often satisfied by Cheetos dipped in peanut butter and barbeque pudding chips. Or, you know, whatever Padma eats.
The cheftestants will divide into teams, shop for thirty minutes with $300, and take control of the two catering trucks. Dale, however, has full immunity and won't even have to participate. Instead, he will be going out to dinner with Govind at Govind's restaurant, Table 8. Dale laughingly says he can just feel the hate and envy emanating from the other cheftestants. CJ tells us, "I'm really mad at Dale. It's not like I'm happy for him at all -- I'm strictly envious and mad." He grins, "And those are the worst things I think you can be as a person." Aw, I do love him. He's just not coming off as dickish to me. Not even half-dickish. The cheftestants pull knives for teams. The Brians tell us, "My Black Team consists of Hung, Sara M., Tre, and myself. Aces." I think I punctuated that correctly -- either that or the Brians have instructed everyone to henceforth address them as "Aces." It could happen. Team Orange is Sara N., Casey, CJ, and Howie. CJ says he knows Sara N.'s not the fastest chef, but he thinks she's thoughtful and talented. However, Howie, CJ says, "hasn't worked successfully with anyone, and he's kind of like the center of all the controversy in the house." The Brians laugh that they're scared for their pal CJ and his team, "You got a team that's looking a little frigid, a little frightened over here, and then you've got Howie." I love how he says "And then you've got Howie," as if it explains everything. Sara N. is not thrilled to have Howie on her team, because he's not a team player and every team he's been on has ended up on the bottom.
The teams take fifteen minutes to explore their catering trucks and immediately start brainstorming food. The Brians -- or Aces -- announce that they will be doing a raw bar out front, because they can't ever let go of the seafood beat. Govind and Dale climb into the Hummer limo and take off. The Black Team appears to have little trouble coming up with their dishes, while the Orange Team steamrolls Sara N. and her suggestions of falafel and french fries with different mayo-based dipping sauces. I'd go for those dipping sauces in a soused heartbeat. Both teams arrive at The Fresh Market at 10:47 PM and bang on the doors for the manager. Smiling, the manager lets them in. Clearly, this was prearranged. "What are you still DOING here?" Casey shrills. Seriously, staying open for $600? I guess it's more the placement than the cash.
The Orange Team's menu consists of Cuban sandwiches, sliders (mini-burgers) with milkshakes, quesadillas, chocolate-covered bananas, ceviche tacos, and café con leche (coffee with milk). They all run around getting their stuff, and Sara N. is still pissed about the switch along with the fact that she's now having to dash around for groceries in her heels. CJ calls out for his team not to be frantic, but to be thoughtful, because they have plenty of time. Ignoring this, Howie complains, "Why do I not see limes?" Maybe because you're in the carrot and spinach section? CJ continues to give encouragement, and Howie continues to ignore this, yelling over him that he got the limes. CJ notes to us that Howie doesn't get the team concept at all. The Black Team makes it to the checkout, and their menu includes Teriyaki chicken wings, onion rings, bacon-wrapped shrimp with grits, jerked soft tacos, a raw bar, and hot chocolate. More shots of CJ trying to calm his team down, but Howie still continues to talk over him. The Black Team sees this and is universally thrilled they have the team members they do. Hung's especially glad not to have Howie on his team. CJ tells us that he played professional volleyball for three years, and he knows what it takes to win. Bellowing out their thanks to Fresh Market, the teams leave with the Brians riding on the grocery cart.
It's just after midnight when the teams reach their catering trucks and start working on their stuff. As the teams get into a Food Flurry, someone calls, "I hope Dale's having a good time!" He is. We jump over to Dale and Govind enjoying their private four-course meal at Govind's restaurant. Dale keeps telling Govind how good his food is. Okay, Govind IS hot, but his dreds make him look like The Predator.
Colicchio arrives for his Sniff 'n' Sneer and checks in with the Brians out front. Suddenly totally raising his voice to a degree that makes Colicchio sort of wince and take a step back, MALARKEY! explains, "WE WANNA UTILIZE THE RAW BAR DOWN HERE. I'M GONNA BE DOWN HERE KINDA DOING THE HYPING SARA'S GONNA COME HELP ME IT'S PRETTY TIGHT UP IN THERE THOSE GUYS ARE GOING TO BE SLAVING AWAY UP THERE WE'RE TAKING ORDERS DOWN HERE. JUST KEEPING THE PARTY GOING ALL NIGHT LONG." Up in the catering truck, Colicchio says, "So the guy out front -- is he like the team leader?" I just love how he said "the guy out front" because truthfully? Colicchio never knows which Brian he's talking to, either. Tre agrees that Brian's going to hype it up and starts flexing his wifebeater bare arms: "But I think that once they see the guns, they're gonna wanna git back here -- WOOOOO!" Tre proceeds to laugh maniacally and at a really high pitch for him. I had to rewind it five times because it made me laugh so hard. Given how staid and somnambulistic he usually is, I think we're seeing evidence that the MALARKEY! is catching. Colicchio backs away slowly from Team Black.
Over at Team Orange, CJ talks about how Howie has worked at a lot of nightclubs where there were bar menus, so he should know what he's doing. "He was a go-go dancer," Casey laughs. "Yeah, he did a lot of pole work," CJ says, whisking my appetite right away. Can you imagine how slick with sweat that pole would have been? Dancing at Howie's club would necessitate the same tsking signs you see at your gym: "Be considerate: please wipe down your pole. NO ONE wants to slip on your thigh sweat. It's unsanitary and dangerous." Colicchio doesn't necessarily get much of an idea of what Team Orange is cooking and says he'll check back later. In the Sneer, Colicchio wonders who is going to want Brian's raw bar after a night out on the town, talks about how Howie could explode at any moment, and notes how quiet Sara N. is acting.
Team Orange is done prepping, and Sara N. is going to start making her milkshakes. She looks for ice, which spurs a bit of a discussion between her and Howie as to whether or not milkshakes should have ice in them. Personally, I think it's weird to have ice in them and agree with Howie that they should just be milk and ice cream. "That's really rich," Sara N. protests. "That's what a milkshake is," Howie shrugs. Plus, drunk people? Don't care about their calories in that state. They're not necessarily all, "Oh, can I have a skim milkshake?" after they've siphoned eight to ten cocktails in their system and sweated a tenth of them out. Sara N. throws up her hands and says, "They're YOUR milkshakes, so..." Howie corrects her that they are THEIR milkshakes and then tells us he didn't care if she uses ice, but that's not how he makes milkshakes.
Back over on Team Black, one of the Brians has wedged himself behind the wheel of the catering truck and is bouncing on the seat and pretending to drive. He does know they aren't moving, doesn't he? "Keep it cooking you guys, come on, let's go -- WOOHOOOOOO!" thing you know, he's going to be leading them all in a chorus of "The Wheels of the Bus Go Round and Round." CJ notes that "the other team" seemed loud and annoying, but he was concentrating on his team's dishes. Time ticks down, and the teams get ready for the onslaught of camera-whoring drunk people. Or is that "camera-drunken whore people"? ["Wow, that's...so true." -- Miss Alli] While CJ worries that his team isn't fully prepped, one of the Brian's dances (quite literally, I assure you) in the parking lot. There's no music, so we can only assume he's jigging to the tunes that are on a perpetual loop in his head.
The club lets out, and the drunk people head toward our cheftestants. MALARKEY! screams, "HEEEEEY YEAAAAAAH! WE GOT TACOS!" while Casey tries to convince a drunk guy, who is totally hitting on her, to try their little burgers. "I don't even really believe they knew what was going on -- they're just here for the free food," Casey tells us. The drunk guy calls her "Jay-Z" and tells her she's really nice. After Bryan has had his turn pimping the tacos and the oysters in a relatively calm manner, MALARKEY! comes back to scream, "GRITS! GRITS! GRITS! GRITS! GRITS! GRITS!" Tre notes that the Brians have a good energy vibe and understand that it's important to keep the party going. CJ tells us he heard that MALARKEY! was being "cheesy as all hell" and thought it was fantastic, so he decided to "go to battle with MALARKEY! on this one." Yeah, but CJ, the man's a veritable army -- you can't compete with that. Plus, he's got crazy-person stamina. Sara N. complains to us that there are so many grasping people and they are grabbing at stuff inside the catering truck, and it's really hard to keep up. In the catering truck, Sara N. can't find the lid to the blender when she needs to make more milkshakes. After we see Howie fail to answer a quesadilla question from Casey, CJ takes stock of his team for us: "Howie's a bulldog, he's not smooth about anything, he doesn't communicate well with anybody. And Sara's just kind of like drifting off, and helping here and there, and she's only plating, like, three or four burgers at a time. Teamwork's not so good on Team Orange." In response to a demand outside, Sara N. calls back that her mini-burgers are coming. Howie tells us that Sara N. wasn't keeping up with the demand for the burgers.
The judges show up, and CJ ladles Colicchio up some café con leche and calls into the truck that they need to get some food out to him. The impression we get across several scenes is that Colicchio is waiting a long-ass time for his food. Meanwhile on Team Black, Brian serves Govind some oysters with a watermelon granita-mignonette and a spicy ceviche taco. Sara M. steps up to explain her jerk flank steak soft taco with cilantro cream and pico de gallo. Brian affirms that all their food was a collaborative effort and explains to Govind that Tre is serving up his bacon-wrapped shrimp on cheese grits with a tomato-chipotle butter. Tre tells us that Govind was very impressed with the look and taste of his dish. Finally, Brian gets Hung to hand out his onion rings and teriyaki chicken wings. Ted Allen shows up and wonders if there's more noise coming from inside or outside the catering truck. And Colicchio is still waiting for his food from Team Orange. He finally gets Sara N.'s mini-burger with caramelized onions, says, "Nice job," and walks away. That was...anticlimactic. Ted Allen arrives to sample a mini-burger and asks how the ground chuck was seasoned (salt, pepper, Italian seasonings, parsley). Padma steps up, and CJ gives her his ceviche taco with shrimp, scallops, Anaheim chiles, cilantro, and scallions as well as Casey's four-cheese casey-dilla with vegetables and a roasted pepper sauce. "Mmm, THIS is nice," Padma mumbles through the food. Howie hands out his "Media Noche," a Cuban grilled pork sandwich with fried plantain chips. Padma takes a big bite and her mike picks up serious crunching. "That's a nice crunch, huh? With the cheese?!" CJ says encouragingly. Given Padma's non-reaction, they might as well have dubbed crickets chirping over that scene.
CJ tells us that he thinks people liked their food, but everyone knew it wasn't going out very fast. Over on the other truck, MALARKEY! stands in the doorway and half raps, "Our pants would be so full of money right now 'cuz we woulda sold so much more food than them!" We get typical crowd reactions that aren't very interesting ("It's all about the ceviche!" or "The slider rocks!") or important, given there aren't any comment cards. However, one group -- clearly picked out because, ethnically, they would know from which they speak -- say that the Media Noche was kind of messed up, because a traditional Cubano is served in a different kind of bread. Padma calls out that they'll see them at Judges' Table and leaves. Dale walks up to CJ and asks how things are going. "Fuck you," CJ laughs before hugging him. Sara N. doesn't feel good about how they worked as a team.
Judges' Table. Colicchio notes that Team Black had more of a crowd and handled their service much better than Team Orange, where he had to wait a long time for each dish. They loved Tre's shrimp and grits, think it's easy to make a flavorful ceviche, and liked Hung's onion rings. On the other hand, Colicchio thought Hung's chicken wings were awful, but both Padma and Govind really liked the chicken. Ted liked Team Orange's hamburger, but Govind says his was a little dry and underseasoned. This prompts Colicchio to repeat that Sara N. was "a little out of it," and then asks if anyone else had a milkshake. Ted says they ran out before he got there. "Lucky you," Colicchio says, "It was like milk with a little bit of ice cream in it." They did like Casey's casey-dillas, but thought Howie's Cubano fell far short of what it should be in Miami. Padma goes to the back and calls Team Black to the Tables. Team Black files out. "So there's...that," CJ comments mildly. Hee.
Padma congratulates Team Black and, for once, Tre immediately grins widely at this announcement. Padma wants to know how they all felt about the bait-and-switch that was pulled on them that night. Brian gives some line about how they're all professionally prepared to cook for partiers, so they just threw a party in the parking lot and rolled with it. After Brian explains that they decided their dishes based on how they were going to divide up the catering truck, Govind compliments him for maxing the energy of their customers. Ted Allen gives Tre love for his grits and especially for his bacon. Govind announces that Tre had the winning dish and hands over a copy of his cookbook, Small Bites, Big Nights, which is all about late-night bar food. Padma tells Tre that he also gets a platinum card VIP membership to all the Nikki Beach nightspots around the world. Tre tells us in his slow, sleepy, southern way, "I wanted to kinda strike one home for the south, you know, because you don't see grits much up north and I won a challenge with it."
Team Black returns to the back, and MALARKEY! shoves Tre in front bellowing, "My man from the -- with the grits and the shrimp! YEAAAAH!!" Then there's a Brian changeover, because he suddenly switches on the calm and serious and says, "They wanna see you guys." After Team Orange leaves, we get a shot of the Brians sitting down looking intensely ponderous. Like they're praying for Team Orange or something. I think O'Brian had aspirations to the Cloth at one point in their life, but MALARKEY! went ballistic once Brian explained what "celibacy" was. Padma asks Team Orange how they felt about the challenge. "It was pretty horrible," Casey states decidedly. "We don't dress this way in my kitchen -- I don't even like to have my cooks in the kitchen see me dressed up to go out. I don't ever mix the two." "No absolutely not," Sara N. adds. "I thought that this challenge was particularly demoralizing for myself." Colicchio's eyebrows shoot right up into his hairli -- er, scalp. Sara N. goes on that running around the supermarket in heels and a low-cut shirt made her feel out of her element. Padma turns to their dishes. Casey explains she did the casey-dilla and also acted as expediter. Colicchio points out to Howie that his Cubano wasn't really true to its name because he didn't press it. Howie admits that while he did try to press the sandwich with sheet pans, he wasn't really that successful. Govind tells Sara N. that her burgers didn't have enough salt, "Which is pretty huge when it comes to a burger." Colicchio turns to their team spirit and leaps on Sara N. for admitting she was demoralized, "That had to rub off on the team." Howie steps forward to say that he didn't think Sara N. was pulling her weight because she wasn't putting her burgers out fast enough.
"I'm just learning about all this," Casey interrupts. "I didn't know that this was even going on." At first, I thought that she was defending Sara N. here because as expeditor, she would have known if Sara N. was falling down on the job. But then she adds, "I don't know why we didn't have every patty on the grill." Govind notes that none of them were communicating, and Padma wonders why Casey didn't take more control. Casey repeats that had she known it was a problem, she would have jumped on the grill and helped out. Another leader-type person to blame is CJ, so Govind asks why he didn't step in and fix things. CJ says, "By the time I realized there was an issue...I just don't think that me going up there would have made that a better situation." Sara N. announces that this is all a surprise to her, because no one vocalized it at all. She adds that her and Howie's personalities don't work well in the kitchen and cites how her food suggestions were overruled out of hand.
The thing with Howie is, he isn't a team player. Yes, I know that's been covered, but beyond that, he is someone who sees a problem and doesn't bother to fix it. He keeps his head down and attempts to protect his own ass, maybe grumbling passive-aggressively about the problem but doing absolutely nothing to fix it for the good of the team. He gives the originator of the problem enough rope to hang themselves and only steps in at Judges' Table to be vocal. That's the ONLY time we see Howie as a communicator: when it's time to sell someone else out to make sure he's protected. Colicchio comes down on Sara N. for not asserting herself and forcing them to accept her ideas. Sara N. admits she should have done that, but Howie is the type of chef she's worked with before. Sara N. knows they are stubborn and inflexible about doing everything their way and only their way. Howie then decides to attack Sara N. personally: "You're the baby of the team. You're the baby of the house. Everything needs to be done for you and you know what --" "I think that's a little extreme," CJ interrupts calmly and decidedly. LOVE him. Howie goes on that if Sara N. is going to call him out and say he's the reason for no carrying her weight -- "All right, that's enough," Sara N. interrupts. Howie keeps talking. "That's enough!" Sara N. repeats. "What's enough?" Howie retorts. "You!" Sara N. tells him and grabs at her eyes to press back tears. Padma excuses them. It's almost like the timing here is, "All right -- we've done our part to rile you up, now go in the back and keep fighting."
In the back, Sara N.'s face is screwed up unhappily, and O'Brian looks at her with great concern. Dale reaches over and pats Sara N's leg, as he looks around for some explanation from the rest of the team. "Apparently, I'm the 'baby' of the house!" Sara N. blurts out, shuddering. "If that's how it came across, that's not what I'm saying," Howie says. But that IS what you said, jackass. "That's just an asshole thing to say," CJ informs Howie. "That's just a really asshole thing to say, and I feel like an asshole!" Sara N. says, sniffing into some paper towels. Howie, not meeting anyone's eyes, says he felt like he, Casey, and CJ were all on the same page and Sara N. wasn't and that's the point he was trying to make. "You can't say that just after you say something that's not fair," Casey insists. " CJ mutters something about Howie trying to play it like it's some integrity role, and Howie insists he's not trying to play any role: "I'm just here to be me and to compete." So, the role of Passive-Aggressive Asshole will go to Howie, as himself. Howie announces that he doesn't need anyone to sign off on what he says.
Judges' Table. Colicchio notes that it's all fine and dandy for Howie to be assertive at Judges' Table, but what about during the actual competition? What about thinking about the good of the team and trying to give constructive criticism mid-stream? Ted restates that Sara N. was never told there was a problem with her performance. They all agree it's a problem that Casey wasn't aware that there was a problem, and then Padma randomly brings up Casey's chocolate banana, "Which I thought was just...not successful." Okay, and that's the first mention we've even had of that particular item since we saw it on the team's original menu. Turning to CJ, Colicchio thinks that he really failed in his leadership role since, out of all of them, he has the potential to be a real leader. I don't disagree, but I'm trying to figure out what makes CJ such obvious leadership material. Is it because he's not hot-headed? That he's overcome cancer? Looked death in the face and laughed? Overcome great odds and testicles? Is so freakin' tall? Colicchio repeats his criticism of Sara N.'s pathetic milkshake, and Ted Allen says, "Sara did herself a huge disservice the moment she stepped into this room and said, 'Oh, I was demoralized.' Because of her outfit? You can't cook because you don't like your outfit?" Yeah, that's it, Ted. She didn't like her outfit. How about the fact that a low-cut shirt exposes your skin to spattering grease? Or that marching around a tiny mobile kitchen in party heels for five hours is both painful and friggin' dangerous? Or the fact that Padma's wardrobe choices on this show have been constantly defended because -- and I quote -- "She doesn't have to cook!" Or that the way the women were dressed for a night out is far different from the way the men were? Okay, I had that rant all written out, but I also want to note that he recanted that ill-advised position on his blog. And that's great. I just hope that his original voicing of it didn't reinforce Colicchio's decision to send Sara N. home. They turn to Howie's bad Cubanos, and Colicchio says that Howie will say what needs to be said to save his own ass.
In the back, Howie goes on, "It's a competition, guys, you know, I'm not here to hurt anyone's feelings." I hate that argument. I had a friend in junior high who prided herself on her obnoxious bluntness. She ran with the whole "I'm not afraid to tell the truth to your face," like it was some major character flaw to be polite, consider someone's feelings, and realize that maybe NOT always speaking your mind took more strength of character than being lazy and saying whatever the hell you want. ["And with that, Keckler, you officially fail Reality Television Ethics forever, as a result of receiving an F in The History And Culture Of Just Keeping It Real." -- Miss Alli] It's the same with Howie -- he's not there to hurt feelings because he's there to win, and he somehow thinks that because he says it's not his AIM to be an asshole that it excuses him when he is one. Again, it should take more discipline not to be an asshole than to passively allow that natural assholishness within you to flow free over everyone and excuse it with, "I'm not here to do that, but I did, so deal." Or the "I'm not here to hurt anyone's feelings, so if I hurt yours, it's clearly your fault." Sara N. tells Howie he becomes more of an asshole every day. "Fair enough," Howie says, "Then maybe I have to be an asshole sometimes, you know?" Well, being an asshole worked for Ilan.
Judges' Table. Colicchio wonders if "they all" are just sitting there allowing someone else to crash and burn. It's hard to know if he's speaking specifically about Team Orange or generally about all the cheftestants, because the thought could probably apply to both groups. Padma brings Team Orange back, and after Colicchio does his usual rundown of how each of them failed, and specifically telling Howie and Sara N. that they are ultimately responsible for Team Orange's failure, Padma tells Sara N. she's going home. Colicchio did manage to note that Howie has had conflict on every team challenge, which doesn't bode well for his future in this competition. I think that Colicchio had already decided that Howie is more of a Top Chef than Sara N. will ever be at this point, and that's why she's the one going home.
In the back, Sara N. cries and hugs everyone except Howie goodbye. Howie sits down, far away from the remaining cheftestants. Sara N. tells us that she's too nice to be as competitive as CERTAIN OTHERS WHO SHALL REMAIN UNNAMED. "There's a really fine line between being competitive just being an asshole." Best last line ever. ["She also gets an F. You're both hopeless!" -- Miss Alli]
Week: Restaurant Wars, during which the Brians will try extremely hard to be server, maitre d', chef, sommelier, and dishwasher before collapsing from exhaustion in a corner.