By Keckler
Lobster and vanilla. Suddenly, this is the pair that's everywhere! Okay, I've already said that I don't find the flavor combo appealing in any way because I don't ever want to confuse my seafood with my desserts, but I just don't know why this has come so suddenly into our Top Chef lives. During the 4-Star All Star challenge, two dishes took on this flavoring pairing. Tonight, two dishes (one Quickfire, one Elimination) also work it. Apparently, Emeril was doing this back in 1999, but I just have never seen it on a menu or heard of it before this season of Top Chef. Admittedly, I'm willing to try this seafood dessert at least once to see how it all works, but what I really can't get over is how, in three episodes of Top Chef, the combo has become ubiquitous with a serious quickness.
But onto the actual episode. The Quickfire is a fairly easy one that has the cheftestants making dishes that incorporate all manner of Florida citrus. That's it. No twist, no hand behind the back, no surprises. No "Use every citrus here." No "Use every part of the citrus." Just make a dish using citrus. I know it's only the second episode, but I found this challenge painfully easy for these particular chefs. The top three are CJ (in spite of leaving some citrus seeds in his dish), Tre, and Hung, who is the ultimate winner and comments, "I didn't expect anything less." You have to admire someone who can haul around such a fat and dimpled self-esteem. Even if it's an irritably grudging admiration. And frankly, he's not just blowing sunshine; he really does appear to be pretty freaking good.
The Elimination Challenge, which is gourmet barbecuing for a Champagne shindig hosted by Lee Schrager, is overtly sponsored by Kingsford Charcoal. Okay, they're going to have product placement up the kazoo on this show, but Kingsford is fine. Kingsford is respectable. Kingsford isn't Chili's. Joey From New York, who makes boring and decidedly un-gourmet chicken, vents his feelings of inadequacy all over Hung, who just happens to have made a drink using watermelon. See, Joey From New York made a watermelon drink for the Quickfire, and clearly no one else is allowed to make watermelon drinks in the summer except Joey From New York. He has a patent pending on it.
The winner of the hot and sweaty Elimination Challenge is Brian (MALARKEY!), whose crazy ideas actually worked for him this time when he created a Chino-Latino dish of chili-glazed handmade seafood sausage (incorporating scallops, shrimp, and sea bass) with a ginger slaw and an Asian chimichurri. The bottom four of the challenge are Sandee, Howie, Joey From New York, and Tre. I was sort of despondent about Tre, because he fell prey to the same problem he had in the first Quickfire -- he didn't have enough acid with his fish and avocado. He also both under seasoned and oversalted.
I can't forget about the drama queenery between Howie and Joey From New York. While they're waiting to find out who of the bottom four is going home, Joey From New York attacks Howie for not shaking his hand or something. But this was after Joey From New York said that Howie should go because he heard his pork was all dried out. There's lots of swearing and yelling and "Be a man"-ing and then Joey From New York demands to know if Howie wants him to go home right now and then he says that Howie's lucky that he lives in Florida and Howie tells him he doesn't give a shit what he does and laughs about the Florida thing and then it's all over.
However, Sandee, with her vanilla butter-poached lobster, pancetta-wrapped date, and black truffle slaw, is the one to go home for not really barbecuing anything. Her lobster, which was braised (according to CJ) the night before, never made contact with the grill. Instead, it sat on a plate on the grill to, well, reheat basically.
It's early morning and the cheftestants are rising in various forms. I don't see anyone doing morning yoga this year. At first I thought Sandee was doing something yoga-ish, but then I realized she was just sculpting her morning mohawk. Micah is a late riser and, while flipping off the cheftestant-stocked kitchen, proclaims herself "not a morning person." Sandee concerns me when she says that she is on the show to learn. While I don't have any problem with that goal, because I think even if you're top of your craft, you can still learn from others, it's not really why people come on Top Chef. They come here to win, not learn.
Padma and Norman Van Aken are waiting for the bleary-eyed cheftestants in the GE kitchens. Hey, GE owns NBC and NBC owns Bravo! I just picked up on that! And now, a few seconds later, I had a dastardly thought. What if GE, seeing Kenmore as their competitor, allowed them to sponsor the last two seasons just to perpetrate a public smear, counting on them to shoot themselves in the foot with their reportedly karmicly kraptastic kitchens?! I know it's not like the show itself ever featured the appliances on the blink, and we did only find out about it from ousted blabbermouths like Emily and other cheftestants, but maybe they KNEW the cheftestants would blabber. They could TRUST them to do exactly that. That would be very dastardly. A bit far-fetched, even for a big conglomerate, but still. It's something to ponder. Okay, so Norm Van Aken -- "Hey, isn't he the same guy who played the dad on Eight is Enough? I didn't know he was a restaurateur now. Of course, there are lots of actors who become restaurateurs, right? Britney Spears, Becks and Posh, Lisa Loeb…" The Evil Dr. Mathra babbles excitedly. After I carefully explained that Norm Van Aken and Dick Van Patten are two different people, that Britney, Becks, and Posh are not actors and that Lisa Loeb, also not an actor, never had a restaurant, just a dumb food show and then an even dumber dating show, I settled him down with looking up Morgan Freeman's restaurant and mixed a drink to collect myself.
Well Hung Watermelon Mimosa3 cups watermelon puree, seeded and strained
3 1/2 tablespoons lime juice
2 1/2 teaspoons minced fresh basil
1/4 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
2 cups sparkling wineThe Shake:
Combine the watermelon puree, lime juice, basil, and black pepper in a pitcher. Chill for 1 1/2 hours. Add the sparkling wine and stir carefully. Pour out into Collins glasses.Makes 6 drinks.
Padma calls Norm Van Aken "the pioneer of Florida fine dining" and, gesturing over at some tables groaning with baskets of glistening Florida citrus, tells them their Quickfire will be to create a " delicious dish" using "Florida's single most important ingredient, sunshine." What if Padma left off "delicious" in her instructions? Does that mean they'd be allowed to make a bland dish? Or even a disgusting dish? In fact, could we please make that a challenge? "Make a dish that will gross me out and be disgusting." Would that be tougher for talented chefs to pull off? Would they be really hard-pressed to not cook delicious food? They could have rules like, it has to actually be food, and it can't be inedible, such as using raw chicken or spoiled meat. I think it would be fun -- whoever makes Padma throw up the largest amount wins. Crap, that would make Sandra Lee a contender for Top Chef.
Food Flurry. Sara N. thinks she can come out on top if she just keeps it simple and makes it "citrusy." Micah admits to blanking on this task even though she works with citrus every day. Joey From New York gives us a "boom!" as he tells us how he excels at blood oranges and Key limes. I want the Church of Perpetually Raised Collars to excommunicate him already. Tre repeats his opinion that no one else can outcook him, and we get a shot of Hung pulling Tre's too-hot pan off a burner. That was most neighborly of him. Hung then tells us that he thinks he and Tre are the best, but he's best of the best. I guess that makes him the Top Gun of Top Chefs. Cheftestants run around like black chickens with their heads cut off, a peppermill lands all the floor -- it's all dramatic, like there's only one peppermill in the entire kitchen -- and Sara N. curses over finding shells-on, fully veined shrimp. Time's up.
Starting with CJ, who I really like and think is the Harold, presents his pan-seared sea perch with roasted carrots, sautéed radicchio, orange, and hazelnuts. The Bravo Graphics says "oranges," but I don't think the plural is correct because that would imply more than one whole orange. I really doubt CJ used more than a few supreme orange sections and some juice. NORM! leans over the dish and muses, "The seeds you've decided to leave in here, I see." CJ blanches. "That was your decision?" NORM! asks. "Ah, no, that one slipped by," CJ says regretfully. CJ tells us he blew it and calls himself a jackass. NORM! likes the texture of his sea perch. Dirty. Casey explains her "take on a S'more," which has chocolate graham cracker -- I think it's pulverized and sprinkled over the mass -- with a vanilla and tequila (just a hint) cream sauce and "some blood orange and some Key lime." I think I see slices of star fruit in the corner of the plate as well. NORM! says, "Great S'more, but the focus maybe should have been a little bit more on the citrus." Also, it looks rather unformed and gloppy. Not really like a S'more at all -- where's the marshmallow? Because chocolate and graham cracker do not a S'more make. In fact, didn't S'mores evolve from Girl Scouts roasting marshmallows and then figuring out ways to eat them? As a kid, I was known to leave out the chocolate altogether (it got all slippy and slidey in summer campfire heat and it irritated me) and just mash my kippered marshmallow between the graham crackers. I mean, the roasted marshmallow is the soul of the S'more and without it, you just have an empty shell of chocolate and graham crackers. Sort of like what happens when a Dementor kisses you. Ironically, to recover from a Dementor attack, you need chocolate. I gained so much weight in sympathy calories reading Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. Finally, I think it's weird that Casey heard "citrus" and thought, "S'mores!"
Moving on, we have Sandee's trio featuring a Key lime mojito, grapefruit brûlée with shrimp, and sea bass encrusted with orange marmalade and Scotch bonnet peppers. Okay, that all sounds pretty tasty and is an excellent showcase of the citrus. NORM! makes a big show of pulling the flower sprig (looks like a lime blossom) out of the mojito shot and commenting negatively that the mint is really strong, almost licorice-y. Micah made a spicy avocado-citrus soup with caramelized red grapefruit. The soup looks more like guacamole, an image that isn't helped by the big crouton stuck in it. In fact, the "soup" is so dense, the crouton has no problem standing up entirely on its own. NORM! questions whether or not this is soup, and Micah admits to us that it turned out more like a pudding but, "avocado pudding doesn't go down very well." Lia made a stacked crab salad, dressed with a grapefruit vinaigrette and accented by sourdough croutons. Wanting to one-up NORM! finding citrus seeds, Padma comments, "I don't think what I have is a crouton." Lia apologizes to Padma for finding a shell in her dish. Dale explains his citrus salad with watercress, endive, shaved pastis-soaked fennel, lemon poppyseed, and goat cheese. Okay, now is there really such a thing as "lemon poppyseed"? Because I think it's just poppyseeds that get added to lemon preparations, like muffins and cakes and stuff, for prettification and a bit of musty nuttiness. So, that begs the question: "Lemon poppyseed what?" Here, it looks like there's a lemon poppyseed dressing on Dale's plate, maybe even two, because one is opaque and white, which looks like the stuff my mother pours over her mandarin orange and lime Jell-O thing, and one is clear and slightly golden in color. If it is a lemon poppyseed dressing, I hope he made it himself because the bottled stuff is nastified. NORM! says, "I would have liked a little bit of olive oil or something to go with that sunshine." We now get to Sara N. who is completely brain-dead about her dish. She doesn't know how to describe it and is really nervous. She attempts to explain her blood orange and tangelo salad with shrimp and a honey-tangerine vinaigrette, garnished with snipped chives, which sounds lovely, but she can't really get it out. Use your words, Sara N. NORM! advises, "No matter what, you should be clearer as far as telling us what you're doing."
Oh, Hung, you've brought your ego today, haven't you? Hung tells us, grinning, "I looked around and I saw some slummy dishes. This time, I'm definitely going to win this, no matter what!" Hung presents his slow-roasted sea bass -- how slow can it be in thirty minutes? -- with a citrus "crumble" and a watercress and radish salad. Okay, I take that back, thirty minutes for cooking delicate fish flesh (low heat, I assume) is slow cooking. I'm not clear if the sauce, which Hung explains is blood orange, tangerine, and oranges, is the same as the crumble, which looks like it might have chopped hazelnuts or peanuts in it. NORM! says Hung's thinking is very good. Tre did a hot and cold salmon duo. What do you think is worse, duos or trios? I think trios, because they take longer to eat and by the time you get to the third one, it's cold and sometimes congealed. I mean, the typical trio ritual would have you starting with the cold prep and finishing with the hot, but I'm beginning to think that's not the best idea. Tre's cold part of the duo is raw King salmon has a macadamia nut pesto (YUM!) and his hot is coriander-seared salmon with Fuji apple salad. Okay, but…where's the citrus? No, seriously, where is the citrus? Neither Bravo's Graphics nor what we get of Tre's explanation tells us anything about citrus. Biz-freaking-zarre. Howie did a vanilla butter poached lobster tail and citrus salad. NORM! likes the texture of the lobster. Brian (MALARKEY!) -- to showcase his Northwesterness -- prepared Alaskan halibut with blood orange and pomegranate molasses. Again, NORM! likee. And Joey From New York, what did you do for us? He made a fennel salad with blood oranges, and a watermelon, Grand Marnier, and coriander oil shooter. I was about to ask whither the citrus in the shooter, which sounds really interesting, but then remembered that Grand Marnier is orange-y. Also, since I make fennel and grapefruit salad all the time, I'm not that impressed with Joey From New York's food. NORM! is impressed by the drink and says, "Hey, maybe you should be a bartender, too." Joey From New York laughs at this, not necessarily understanding the possible subtext of, "Be a bartender, not a chef." And because it is A Thing later, the camera gives us a cutaway shot to Hung looking interestedly at the watermelon shooter. Well, we can't actually tell if he's really looking interestedly at the shooter, he just has an attentive look on his face. For all we know he was looking down Padma's belted peasant blouse. Or up, given that he's shorter than even a bare-footed Padma.
NORM! gives the bad news, he didn't like Sara N.'s dish because "there was no focus," Sandee's dish suffered because he had to take the flower sprig out to drink the mojito, and Micah's was an "unremarkable bit of food." The top three favorites for NORM! were CJ's, whose dish was clearly so good that his flavors and execution overcame out the citrus seeds, Hung's, and Tre's, which didn't appear to have ANY citrus WHATSOEVER. I'm so confused. Bravo, are you now truly TRYING to drive me nuts? Because, you know, good job! Hung wins it and bows to NORM! and the ensuing applause. But, as he tells us, "I didn't expect anything less." Joey From New York bellyaches to us, "I thought I did a tremendous job on my dish. I was expecting to be in the top three. I am pissed off."
Padma describes the Elimination Challenge: they will be cooking at an "ultra glamorous Champagne barbecue, thrown by famous Miami foodie Lee Shrager." Excitement galore. Hung, grinning, tells us, "He throws, like, the best barbecues I've ever seen -- Champagne, beautiful women, I respect the guy a lot." His tone implies that he respects him more for the beautiful women than for the Champagne and 'cue. The "Kingsford Charcoal Elimination Challenge" orders them to take a $200 budget and create high-end barbecue fare for the sexy and sophisticated guests of Lee Shrager. Tre, being a Texan, thinks he's got this one in the briquette bag. Howie tells us that, being from Florida himself, he has something to prove in this challenge.
The cheftestants shop for thirty minutes. Most of them converge on the meat counter. Casey asks CJ how many slices he thinks she can get out of a steak. "You know what, I'm going the same route, I'm not helping you here," CJ says and then grabs Casey's shoulders massagingly to take the bite out of his words. Casey, probably annoyed that her feminine and mammarian wiles didn't work on CJ, shoots back, "I'm doing other shit, I don't need you!" Then why did you ask for his advice, freakshow? Brian (MALARKEY!), who walks a very different path from everyone else, zeroes in on seafood, saying, "Go big or go home." Okay, now I have to go get the tee-shirt, because I have finally heard that expression used and thus can begin to understand the inner workings of Glark's mind. Micah, who is vegging out in the produce section, says she feels like "dog shit" because she's never been away from her daughter, Matilda, and misses her. She stands aimlessly in front of the meat counter and spies a sign, "semi-boneless leg of lamb on sale," and shruggingly goes for it. In order to do a Vietnamese barbecue, Sara N. wants twenty pounds of rib eye, which she later downgrades to ten pounds after Hung calculates how much it will cost her. That was nice of him. Sara N. blusters, "This is so aggravating!" and Hung slings an arm around her shoulders, saying, "I'm here!" Camaraderie because he doesn't really see her as a threat, potential romance, or just generally nice guyness? You decide. More shopping. Arms full, CJ sings that he doesn't know where he put his cart. I like him. He's cute. Yep, and we can see that they are all still driving their Toyota Rav-4s.
Back in the kitchens, the cheftestants prep for two hours. Food Flurry. Hung tears through the kitchen at a run and tells us that Immunity means nothing for him in this challenge. He's "still going to blow them away no matter what." Hung throws open the fridge door and something falls and breaks. Bravo must have an awesome Foley team because I swear the breaking sound is the same one Billy Joel used in the opening of "You May Be Right." "I didn't do it! I didn't do it!" Hung insists, but does clean it up. Lia says that Hung is always running around like crazy, "It seems a little dangerous." Casey comments on the interesting things going on in the kitchen. No doubt -- what the heck is that pineapple thing CJ has in a sauteuse? I say "pineapple thing" because it has a top like a pineapple and eyes like a pineapple, but the thingness comes from the fact that it looks like it's made out of dough or flour or something white. It also appears to be melting into the pan. Brian (MALARKEY!) is excited about his seafood sausage, admitting that it doesn't sound like much, but he's as confident as he was when he made the dueling snakes with ribs of venom and Medusa eyes. And when he says "confident," we all know he means "crazy." Tre, who says he knows how to "kick up a grill," thinks his peach BBQ salmon is going to be a major top contender. More Food Flurry. Sandee, being from the South, knows everyone expects her to do barbecue chicken but she's going for lobster and pancetta with a vanilla bean bacon butter sauce. We see a lot of finger tasting going on in here, and I am just glad Hubert isn't here to see it. Although, I do miss him.
Okay, so after my recaplet rant about vanilla and lobster, not only did I get emails from people who have experienced the combo but I also consulted with a fellow food blogger on the matter. Johanna at The Passionate Cook had this to say to my "what gives?" email:
I guess it is the sweetness of the lobster meat that allows that pairing -- and vanilla, for me at least, isn’t really a "sweet" taste in itself, if you can get yourself not to see it as intrinsically linked with custard or ice cream! Many people are unable to distinguish vanilla (the real deal) from vanillin, which is used to flavour ice cream, custard and the like (cooks illustrated did a study on this). The vanilla in the mayonnaise here just adds a whiff of something exotic, but doesn't actually sweeten the dish at all…it's just a flavour component like cumin, but much more elegant and subtle at that. It allows you to add a special note without completely drowning the delicate flavour of seafood.
I have to say, however, that I tried the combination and did like it, but not enough to be using it over and over again in a savoury dish… so I am not fully convinced myself that this is the best thing since sliced bread.
So there's one side of it and a good explanation as to why chefs like it. However, I got this email from a reader:
Just to give you a little more possible insight into this combination, I dined at Victoria & Albert's located in the Grand Floridian resort at Disneyworld about 6 years back. I was being treated to dinner, so of course I headed to their nicest restaurant and ordered their priciest entree on the menu: the surf and turf featuring lobster tails in a vanilla sauce. I was apprehensive about the combination, but thought it had to have some merit and worth a try if it was so darned expensive! BIG mistake, at least by my palette. That gooey sweet concoction totally ruined the flavor of the lobster, and the slight seafood taste totally ruined the taste of the vanilla (probably my favorite flavoring normally). Somehow, it must have caught on since then, particularly here in the state of Florida. I'll gladly blame Emeril and his rapidly procreating line of restaurants that are spreading all over the state if he is the one who introduced this mess, but it is definitely not something to be anxious to run out and try! I haven't seen this combo since, but I've been scratching my head as well with its new popularity on this season's Top Chef!
Furthermore, I also got an email from amusingthesis, who tipped me off about lobster ice cream in Bar Harbor, Maine. She said she found it "surprisingly good" and that the flavor was "unique and interesting," but not something you'd want to eat every day.
Micah is clearly going through stuff and not enjoying herself. Hung comments, "Micah was on top a mountain when she won the first Quickfire Challenge. I mean, come on, don't use your daughter as an excuse that you're sad, that you're crying. I mean, come on." I wonder if Hung thinks a better excuse is to be honest about being sad over losing the Quickfire. Can't tell. Howie preps some Jamaican jerk sauce, and Sara N. struggles mightily with Scotch bonnets. Sadly, Sara N. didn't realize that Scotch bonnets are of the same chile species as Habaneras, which is a big ouch in the mouth. Both of those chiles get a 100,000-350,000 rating on the Scoville chart. The Evil Dr. Mathra was in love with this Scotch bonnet-based hot sauce called Inner Beauty that Chris Schlesinger created. We used to be able to buy it at East Coast Grill in Cambridge but they stopped making it a few years ago, and now Mathra is sad because nothing else makes him sweat when eating. Because of this, Sara didn't think to wear latex or rubber gloves while prepping, so the skin on her hands is burning. Just. Don't. Touch. Your. EYES! With one minute left, people rush to finish. Gladware storage containers with their blue lids are strewn over everyone's work station. I made a whole mess of food for my recently-babied friend in Minneapolis, and I used some of my mother's Gladware storage containers. They're flimsier than I would have thought. Sort of halfway between Tupperware durability and grocery store olive bar disposability. Sara N. is convinced her Scotch Bonnet pickled cucumbers will be inedible the day.
The morning, Tre does modified push-ups, resting his feet on a low window ledge, so he's at a downward angle. Hung also does push-ups, but I think he's doing them only because Tre is and he wants to look just as tough. For one thing, while Tre is in a sleeveless tee-shirt, running shoes, and running shorts, Hung has his watch on and looks like he's wearing fairly nice pants. They're tight, black, and long with silver rivets. Not really exercise gear, Hung. Sandee and Joey From New York discuss the Elimination Challenge. Joey From New York appears to be a bit worried about serving sixty people, but Sandee shrugs it off, saying there's fourteen of them to cover it. Sandee knows her family and friends back home would love for her to win the barbecue challenge but she has to win it for herself. Okay, but while you're winning it for yourself, can your friends and family still be happy about it? Just wondering. Sandee goes into some karate moves.
Hung and Brian (MALARKEY!), who are roommates, decide to dress up for the occasion. Brian (MALARKEY!) calls it a "front of the house approach," which is admirable given the heat and the fact that they still have to wear heavy chef's jackets over their duds. They walk out into the kitchen to a teasing, impressed chorus of, "Heeeey!" Joey From New York, who is already showing signs of being threatened by Hung, tells him, rather meanly, "You look like John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever." Yeah, well you sound like John Travolta in BLANK -- OPEN YOUR MOUTH! He makes a mocking high-pitched squeal that might be an attempt at a something having to do with that movie. And just because your idea of dress-up is wearing that Italia jersey, don't bag on them. Hung, however, just laughs at Joey From New York and rolls up the striped cuffs of his patterned grey-violet shirt. They head out.
At a development called Aqua Island Homes, large bags of Kingsford charcoal rest against grills. They're going to be outside and along a waterfront. Joey From New York complains about the heat and says he's ready to go. Not sure if that means "bring the guests in, I'm ready to go!" or if it's "I'm ready to go home to New York. Where I live. In New York." They have two more hours to get ready. Being close to the water is making Micah feel better about everything. It's "cathartic" for her. Oh, man, poor Sara N. She's never started a barbecue before, and it looks like she just indiscriminately piling up the coals with no move to making a cool side and a hot side. And because we get a shot of Micah just squirting lighter fluid all over her coals, I'm convinced her food is going to taste like chemicals. As CJ hunches over his prep station he comments to Lia, "The only time I wish I were 5'3" -- no offense, hon." Yeah, I was noticing how much he has to double over in the Top Chef kitchens; it's too bad they can't raise the counters for him.
Colicchio arrives for his Sniff 'n' Sneer wearing a button-down shirt unbuttoned to a distressingly low level. And no tee-shirt underneath. And a fat gold chain. Checking in with Hung, Colicchio comments that because of his Immunity, he doesn't have to work very hard. "That's not my style," Hung tells him. "I'm going to push hard as if I didn't have it." Tre agrees with Colicchio that barbecuing is old hat for him, "I just woke up, I think I did this in my sleep." When he gets to Brian (MALARKEY!) and asks what he's making, Brian (MALARKEY!) cock-blocks him (when you cock-block a chef, is it a coq-block?) and tells him it's going to be a surprise. Colicchio asks Joey From New York if he thinks his grilled chicken drumsticks are gourmet enough. "I don't think it's gourmet enough, but it's barbecue -- you're supposed to have fun," Joey From New York tells him. Actually, you're not supposed to have fun, you're supposed to follow the form of the task, which is gourmet. Not fun. Gourmet. Colicchio tells the cameras that Sandee's butter-poached lobster isn't really barbecue, and it's like "putting lipstick on a pig." Okay, that expression is almost as random as Dan Rather's election night ramblings. Colicchio also thinks Howie is starting to grill too far in advance. Food Flurry.
Padma arrives with Gail and NORM! and the cheftestants put final touches on their dishes and stations before the guests show up. Lots of Moët is poured out, and Lee Shrager greets his guests. Micah serves her lamb with grilled Haloumi and pomegranate sauce. Lia offers a lettuce wrap with grilled shrimp and an Israeli couscous salad. Casey gives Colicchio some of her strip steak with smoked cheddar polenta, tomato salad, and bacon-wrapped shrimp. CJ explains his Caribbean theme with the New York steak he's serving with salt-baked pineapple, lentil puree, and dirty rice. Oh, so THAT'S what he was doing to the pineapple earlier and why it looked all white and melty -- he was covering it in a salt crust. Interesting. Sara N. points out her traditional Vietnamese barbecue with slices of grilled rib eye with pine nuts served in butter lettuce leaves with that pickled cucumber salad she was so worried about. "It's good," Padma mumbles to Colicchio over a mouthful of food. Brian (MALARKEY!) is bouncing around his station when Padma cuts through his crowd to try his sweet chili-glazed scallop, shrimp, and sea bass sausage with a ginger slaw. "Very nice sausage," Padma proclaims. "And she knows from sausage," Mathra announces. Tre is serving a peach barbecue-glazed wild salmon with a crab-avocado salad. One of the guests curses and throws her plate out, telling Tre he needs more acid. Bit of a dramatic reaction there, lady. Did you really need to make Bravo's bleeper go off? Tre says he can fix that. Again, we hear about Sandee's vanilla-poached lobster that she's serving with pancetta-wrapped dates and black truffle slaw. A guest thinks it looks great, and Sandee says, "It's been on the grill all day poaching in vanilla butter." Didn't she poach it the night before? Maybe not. CJ tells us, "There are technical rules to this competition, and I think that the protein portion of Sandee's dish, it's braised the day before. I don't really think that's a barbecue sort of dish."
Howie tells us he thinks he sliced the Jamaican jerk pork tenderloin -- that he's serving with mango slaw and citrus vinaigrette -- too early. It started to dry out. Joey From New York says he heard people complaining that Howie's dish tasted like sawdust, "I mean, you do something like that in New York, you're going home." What the hell does New York have to do with it? What, like NO ONE in New York has ever served dry pork? Whatever, dude -- I certainly hope New York loves you as much as you love it. Meanwhile, Joey From New York's brilliant barbecue offering is "Korean style" barbecue chicken with charred corn, tofu, and bean sprout salad. I'm not entirely sure what makes the dish Korean, but I fear that Joey From New York decided that simply the addition of tofu and bean sprout Koreanized it. Some guest wishes something was "bite-sized" but it's hard to tell what's on his plate. As Gail and NORM! walk up, Hung is just replenishing the drink he's serving. He's starting people off with a watermelon-berry-citrus zest cocktail alongside his flank steak with grilled corn and tomato salad with bagel chips. "This is a watermelon Champagne?" a guest asks. "Yes," Hung says, "I made it -- watermelon and fresh berries." Joey From New York, his Top Chef baseball hat now belligerently and purposefully twisted to the side, bitches, "The drink he's got? Is fucking the exact same fucking thing I made." We have a dramatically sepia flashback to Joey From New York serving his watermelon shooter with coriander oil to NORM! during the Quickfire. "He's a kiss ass," Joey From New York goes on to no one in particular. Is he a kiss ass for serving a drink? Because what does that make you? If you think he ripped you off, fine, but that doesn't make him a kiss ass, it just makes him a copycat. "That's why he moved to Vegas, because he can't hang in New York," Joey From New York continues. Okay, what? Making a drink means he can't "hang" in New York? Hung tells us, "I got the idea for a watermelon drink because there's always watermelons at barbecues."
Back at the site, Hung is talking to Brian (MALARKEY!) and Joey From New York lumbers over to interject, "Ask him where he got this idea from the drink." Brian (MALARKEY!) seems to ignore him. Hung shrugs to us, "I didn't know Joey had a patent on that." Back at the site, Joey From New York is still blithering along, "I'm gonna buy you some kneepads when we get back -- getcha kneepads." Hung laughs uproariously at this and mimes being on his knees doing…something. Joey From New York, clearly frustrated that he's not able to rile Hung up, turns away and again says, "No -- he's a fucking kiss-ass, this guy." He is so threatened by Hung. And he should be. I think the problem here is that Joey From New York clearly never learned to spell, Hung's not "a fucking kiss-ass," he's fucking KICK ass. Casey rolls her eyes to us over all of this: "It's always someone else's fault when it comes to Joey." Padma tells the cheftestants to clean up -- using their Gladware products, of course -- and says they'll see them at the Judges' Table.
Judges' Table. "Why does the person who shows the most chest have to be Colicchio? Whhhhyyyyy?!" the Evil Dr. Mathra laments. "Seriously, dude, we're seeing more of your skin than we are of Padma's and that's just not right. And it's icky -- stop trying to Miamify yourself." Colicchio thinks their Judges' Table is going to be hard because across the board, the food was all very good. While they all agreed that Hung had a really good time out there, Gail suggests that he made the simplest dish. Yeah, it really wasn't up to his usual complexity, was it? They didn't really like Tre's dish -- it was too salty for some and too bland for others. Padma suggests he needed acidity and NORM! agrees -- the fat of the salmon, mayonnaise, and avocado needed something to cut through it. Ew -- I find the idea of avocado and mayonnaise so repulsive and redundant, actually. Avocado is perfectly, deliciously fatty all on its own -- it so doesn't need sun-baked mayonnaise. Shudder. Plus, it reminds me of a particularly nasty Semi-Homemade, and if Tre is channeling Sandra Lee, I'm going to need indigestion insurance. Gail doesn't think Sandee's dish was barbecue. Dishes they liked: Brian (MALARKEY!)'s sausage, because it was high-end, Sara N.'s Vietnamese barbecue, and Micah's lamb.
In the back, Micah is convinced she had a really bad day. Padma appears to drag out Sara N., Micah, and Brian (MALARKEY!). After staring them down and drawing out her words, Padma informs them they were the top three dishes of the day. Sara N. is so relieved she confesses to feeling lightheaded, "I forgot to breathe." Aw. She admits to being "very honored" and "very surprised" that she is one of the top. The judges give her props for clean flavors and an easy-to-eat presentation. Moving to Brian (MALARKEY!)'s Asian-inspired chimichurri, Brian (MALARKEY!) admits, "This is the same brain that tackled the snake and the eel last time, so I don't know, there's a lot of strange ideas floating around up there." Yep, floating in a sea of insanity. Well, wherever he got it, NORM! thinks it works. Gail loved Micah's combination of flavors and NORM! loves that Sara N. and Micah came back from their poor Quickfire performance. Brian (MALARKEY!) is the final winner with his upscale barbecue and Chino-Latino ideas.
The three finalists go quietly back to the waiting cheftestants, and Brian (MALARKEY!) gets applause -- reluctant, from Howie and Joey From New York, it appears -- before Sara N. tells Howie, Joey From New York, Tre, and Sandee to get their asses in front of the judges. Tre admits he thinks he's there because his food was too salty. Colicchio repeats the thought that some was underseasoned and some was too salty. NORM! suggests Tre phoned this one in. Gail reminds Colicchio of what Tre said to him about how he could do the task in his sleep. "Well, maybe not," Gail points out. "Maybe a bad nightmare," Tre nods. Joey From New York's idea for his dish came from the childhood barbecues he used to have at home; they always did chicken, "I don't know, maybe chicken's not too imaginative, I really don't know." His tone implies, "And I really don't care." Gail doesn't mind that he did chicken, he just should have done something upscale. Joey From New York agrees. "And it was super-hot, hard to pick up," Gail adds. "Well, I like to serve my protein super-hot," Joey From New York argues. How stupid. NORM! asks him how many of his guests were eating that hot chicken without utensils. Joey From New York nods slowly. It's not clear he even gets NORM!'s point. Sandee admits she's totally shocked to be in the bottom four. Colicchio breaks it to her that not only didn't she do barbecue, but he didn't taste lobster in her dish at all -- just butter. NORM! adds that the sweetness of the dates completely overpowered the lobster. Gail agrees with only tasting the butter and not lobster and repeats that it just wasn't barbecue. Howie admits his pork was dried out and that he made a mistake in slicing it too early. He knows it wasn't his best effort. Padma asks if Joey From New York tasted anyone else's food. He tasted Tre's and Sandee's, but he believes Howie should go because he didn't complete the first Elimination Challenge and he heard guests complaining about the dryness of the pork. "But you didn't taste it," Padma confirms. Howie shoots back that Joey From New York has been doing a ton of complaining and that if Howie goes home today, Joey From New York will join him soon because pointing fingers and blaming others is not a sign of leadership. Padma sends them off.
Joey From New York tells us, "I'm a very emotional person, you know, my blood flows red and competition brings out the animal in me." Wait, what color does he think blood flows for unemotional people? Green? Is he a closet Trekkie? In the back, Joey From New York makes a decision. "You know what?" he shoots at Howie, "time I'm in that room, I'll walk out, okay? time in there, you better step up and be a man." Okay, what does that mean? Howie doesn't know either and says, "I wasn't a man? I wasn't a man?" while Joey From New York talks over him, "This is the second time. This is the second time." "You've been blaming everybody else for your bullshit -- shake somebody's fucking hand to be a man. You be a fucking man!" Howie retorts. I think this is maybe about the fact that Howie wouldn't shake Joey From New York's hand when they left the Judges' Table? It could have happened in the hallway and we didn't see it. It sounds like Howie is trying to say, "I don't need to shake somebody's fucking hand to be a man and I'm not going to shake your fucking hand after what you did to me in there." Joey From New York adds that Howie is lucky he's from Florida because "this guy's from Florida." I think he's referring to NORM! "Oh yeah, I'm lucky," Howie says, pulling the most priceless expression of disgust mingled with disbelief. Howie tells us, "Don't take your shit out on me and think I'm gonna shake your hand like everything's everything. That's not how I am." "Like everything's everything"? I don't know what that means but I do know that I totally have to start using it all the time. "Don't blow through the stop sign, like everything's everything!" or "Hey, you're the one who drank Post Road Pumpkin Ale without me, so don't talk to me like everything's everything!" Howie's not done with Joey From New York. "You know what? I would've been a fucking MAN about it and YOU would have fucking bitched like a little girl, okay? Like you've been doing all day," Howie bellows, standing up. "You want me to go home now? You want me to go home now? I'll go home now," Joey From New York asks. What a weird comeback. Sara N. has covered her face. Howie sits down, "I don't give a fuck what you do! I'm here to do MY best. You do YOUR best. We'll see what happens. Arrightj?" How is Howie not from New York with an accent like that? Beaten, Joey From New York finally shuts up.
Meanwhile, the judges have decided that they have a tough task in front of them. Gail even notes that she thinks it's going to be tough from here on in. Okay it's only the second episode, and while I do think that this crop of cheftestants seems more experienced than last year, I can't help but wonder if Gail's comment isn't simply to keep pushing the charade that this season is supposed to be so much better than last season's mess on toast. Colicchio repeats the idea of upscale barbecue and we go over all the stuff we've already heard. NORM! says, "There's three words that go with barbecue: 'low' and 'slow.'" Yes, and that's all fine and dandy, but dude, NO ONE was doing low and slow in two hours of cooking. Real "low and slow" barbecue takes way more time than two hours. Plus, it's usually all about the wood smoke and chimney and not about the product-placed Kingsford and lighter fluid. I wish they had just called this a grilling challenge, which is really what they were doing, and not tried to call it barbecue. I know parts of the U.S. as well as the U.K. and even Australia have decided that "barbecue" is interchangeable with "grilling," but get people from Texas, Tennessee, Kansas City, North Carolina, and even Oklahoma on it, and you'll find out that real barbecue is NOT done with coals and it's NOT done in two hours. Of course, they're dinging Sandee for doing even less barbecuing/grilling than anyone else, Joey From New York for giving them the same stuff he ate as a kid, Tre for not being "barbecue enough," and Howie for his dried out pork. NORM! says, "The bar has been raised here very early on in this contest. There's no one going home tonight and sleeping well, not even the winners."
After the commercials, the four bottom feeders are brought back to the Judges' Table and retold what the challenge criteria was and how exactly they all failed to achieve the objective. Colicchio does admit that none of them were terrible. Padma tells Sandee to pack her knives and go. In the back, the waiting cheftestants greet Sandee (with Howie close on her heels) with cheers and clapping. I'm not sure what they were expecting here, that this was Project Runway where Heidi painstakingly winnows it down to two potentials and sends the safe ones to the back, one by one? Sandee, her lips clamped and her hands stuffed in her pockets, shakes her head at them. Micah stops short with her smile, as Sandee says, "No, I didn't do a barbecue dish, you guys." Someone bursts, "What?" Sandee, her hands up shruggingly, says, "They say mine wasn't barbecue." Hung's face visibly falls and his shoulders slump sadly and he's the first one to hug her. He tells us, "Everyone was shocked -- we all thought that she was not going to go home. Sandee is a really cool girl and we hated to see her go home." I know he's got an ego meatier than an entire side of beef, but he seems to have a good heart. Brian (MALARKEY!) has his hands frozen in cheer mode, but when Sandee's words sink in, he places one hand dramatically against his chest. Everyone moves in to hug Sandee. Sandee tells us she's really shocked but she knew from the first day that she wasn't going to be in the upper echelon of the competition. The cheftestants applaud her out of the room. "You may not see me on TV, but you'll definitely see me in the kitchen," Sandee finishes.