By Keckler
As the first episode of the Miami-based season three opens, we learn an interesting fact: Top Chef has traded in their Krapmore Kitchen sponsorship for one from Evian, who is providing the winner with a "gourmet dream vacation," and one from GE Monogram, who is providing actual working appliances. We hope.
Mingling for cocktails and hors d'oeuvres at the mansion where Gianni Versace was murdered, the new wave of cheftestants have barely started sizing one another up when Padma and Colicchio arrive on the scene to announce their first Quickfire. It's happening then and there, and involves the appetizers they've been picking over and slurping down. Using only the plastic utensils scattered around the tables, the cheftestants have ten minutes to create an amuse bouche that tells the judges who they are. Micah, who reminds me of Kara Janx from Project Runway and not just because they both have South African accents, wins the Quickfire and Immunity with her Italian ham wrapped around Gorgonzola, fig jam, and dried figs dribbled with balsamic vinegar.
At first, the Elimination Challenge sounds a bit easy -- whipping up surf 'n' turf entrees for these sorts of chefs shouldn't be that much of a challenge. However, their ingredients are coming from a large selection of exotic proteins, such as rattlesnake, black chicken, monkfish liver, and abalone, and many of the cheftestants admit they have never cooked with some of these things before. The choice of exotic ingredients makes sense given that the guest judge of the night is the redoubtable, the consciously quotable, the profane Bourdain.
At the end of the challenge, two cheftestants are selected as the judges' top finishers: Hung, with his geoduck and black chicken, and Tre, with his ostrich and abalone. Although the judges were very impressed with Hung's food, they were put off by the beige-osity of the dish and choose Tre as their winner. Since Tre was one of the bottom three in the Quickfire, he's quite thrilled to be the one taking home a tall pile of Anthony Bourdain's books and the promise that one day Bourdain will single-handedly destroy his liver after taking him out for New York Yakitori.
The four losers are Clay, Howie, Brian (MALARKEY!), and Dale. Howie is seriously in trouble because he only had time to plate his sea urchin risotto and couldn't get his frog legs on the plate. However, when he quotes chapter and verse (from the Bible of Bourdain) about Ecuadorian line cooks getting it right and late rather than wrong and on time, Bourdain calls him a "son of a bitch," which is clearly Bourdain code for "I love you, man." All four of these chefs had problems with seasoning and technique, but the judges felt that Howie showed potential, whereas Clay's overcooked boar chops proved that his fundamentals are out of whack. I think if Clay had stuck around, I could have started lovingly calling him Claytus.
To me, the most interesting cheftestants at this point are ten-foot-tall CJ, a cancer survivor and proud owner of a fake testicle who could club down Sam for the Ginormatron title; Hung, who informs us he's a CPA, a "certified professional asshole," looks like the Chinese acrobat from Ocean's Eleven, has an ego that might as well be another entire cheftestant, and is also a friend of Marcel's; Brian (MALARKEY!), whose name will provide me with endless giggles and also shows signs of being unable to control the VOLUME OF HIS VOICE or emotions when at the judges' table; and Tre because he just seems solid and good. On the other hand, someone needs to tell Joey "My Other Career Is A Soprano" Paulino, who can't open his mouth without New York falling out, that flipped-up collars went out with the McDLT.
Oh, and in case any of you, like me, believed those scurrilous reports out there this summer that Colicchio was going soft and fuzzy, one of the first things he announces to the cheftestants is, "I'm not your mentor, I'm the head judge of the show." So, that settles that. I'm also surprised and happy to note that Padma showed quite a bit of attitude in this episode, even going so far as to do an accusatory horizontal head swivel when she was attempting to take Brian (MALARKEY!) to task for his dish and then going on a tangent about frying her toes and eating them. I'm sure many out there would love to put Padma's toes in their mouths.
Apparently, the Keckler Kocktails I added to my Apprentice: Martha Stewart recaps were such a success that I've been getting emails from Top Cheffians demanding to know why I'm not adding them to my Top Chef recaps. Okay, well, I'm adding them starting now.
Blue Moon Over Miami1 cup water
1 cup granulated sugar
1 bunch rose geranium
2 oz blueberry juice
2 oz Tanqueray gin
1 lime quarterThe Shake:
To make the rose geranium syrup, put a small, non-reactive saucepan over medium heat. Add the water and sugar and whisk until the sugar is completely dissolved in the water. Bring to a simmer. Add the leaves and flowers of the rose geranium and simmer for 4-5 minutes. Take off the heat and let cool to room temperature.Combine the blueberry juice, gin, 2 teaspoons of the cooled rose geranium syrup, and some ice in a shaker. Stir rapidly and strain into a cocktail glass. Serve with the lime quarter.
Store the rest of the syrup in the refrigerator in an airtight container.
Oh hey, Padma? How's tricks? What's that you say? Top Chef is back already? Damn. I feel like we barely stopped talking about Marcel's hair and now we gotta talk about Sandee and Dale's mirroring mohawks? Hung and Malarkey's names? CJ's sky-scraping body? I don't know if I'm ready for this. However, I am fairly certain that I'm totally not ready for those pointy dinners of yours probing the top of your orange satin wrap dress. But it's not about me, it's about the newest crop of cheftestants picked ripe just before they fell off the trees, heavy with their culinary talent. This time around, the prizes are basically the same: feature in Food & Wine magazine, showcase at the annual Food & Wine Classic in Aspen, a spoiler on Food & Wine's website, a "gourmet dream vacation" in the French Alps where you will be forced to drink lots of Evian water, $100,000 in prize money furnished by Glad, and -- best of all, of course -- the title of Top Chef. Another new feature this year will be Ted Allen's role as a semi-recurring judge, which is pretty awesome.
Normally the credits are just what they are, credits. But when ten-foot tall CJ crouches in his black frame to smile sheepishly at the camera, I had to giggle. Very cute.
Miami has butts, boobs, and Sex and the City-ish tango music. It also has beaches, plastic surgery, and a flock of arriving cheftestants. And this is really the part I hate -- having to mentally establish all these cheftestants who won't really be established in our minds until they do something outrageous, bitchy, or wonderful. Sara Mair is a thirty-three-year-old chef from Jamaica, who is also a cheese maker. Gotta root for a fellow stinker! Of course, I only write about cheese for Cowgirl Creamery now and don't make it, but that's my apprenticeship. She calls herself a "fromagiere," which I'm not sure is an actual word in French, but I'm glad this means we'll have at least one person, aside from Colicchio, who can properly pronounce mascarpone and Fourme d'Ambert. Clay Bowen, twenty-seven, is from Mississippi but is currently a sous chef at the Santa Barbara University Club. He thinks he's a "dark horse" because he didn't go to cooking school and is from the South. It seems to me there are more chefs out there who didn't train their way into debt by going to cooking school, so I'm not sure how dark of a horse that makes him. Maybe he's more like a dim horse.
Joey Paulino, twenty-nine, wears a huge expanse of an Italia soccer jersey and a gold cross. He's the executive chef at Café des Artistes in Manhattan and wants to give all his winnings to his mother. He already knows he's going to win because, in his words, he's the "biggest, baddest, motherfucker yet." And he's from New York, which also means something huge in his mind. But if you missed that Joey is from New York, you will have many reminders that Joey is, in fact, from New York. Joey's actually from a very special area of New York that still flips up its collars in a most preppy way that doesn't quite jibe with Sopranoesque Joey Paulino.
Dale Levitksi is a thirty-three-year old chef/consultant for Cru Café & Wine Bar in Chicago, and he's currently working on opening his own place. He embraces simplicity in cooking and staying true to his own heart. We may have found our new Dave, but hopefully with much less water damage. Flying in from Dallas is Tre Wilcox, 30, who is the chef de cuisine at Abacus. Tre tells us about his tattoo on the underside of his forearm that reads: "Yougottahavepassion." The unfortunate thing is that the bottom of the tattoo looks smudged. Like he scrawled it on himself with a Sharpie just as he was landing in Miami and then forgot and put his arm on the armrest before it was dry. Tre is a bit of a voyeur as well, he loves to watch people eat his food.
More cheftestants pull up to Casa Casuarina, which is of course, the very same place where Gianni Versace was murdered. Good vibes, people, good vibes. Hung Huynh, twenty-nine and executive sous chef at Guy Savoy, announces that he is "the loud one, the opinionated one" and he also proudly bears the title of CPA: "certified professional asshole." I wonder how hard it is to be a professional asshole. Given the amount of them running around out there, it must be a fairly competitive field. Hung looks uncannily like Yen, the Chinese acrobat in Ocean's Eleven. Micah Edelstein, who bears more than a passing resemblance to Kara Janx, is thirty-two and owns The Wandering Chefs Caterers. She thinks cooking is an art and compares it to Michelangelo painting the Sistine Chapel. Sandee Birdsong, of the skunked mohawk, is a thirty-nine-year-old executive chef at Tantra in Miami. She became a chef three years ago because she wanted her career to be her passion.
Although we haven't yet met all the cheftestants, we jump into the scenes of them mingling, eating, and drinking at Versace's old haunt. I glimpse a bottle of Moët and think how lucky they are not to be subjected to the Korbel. Lia Bardeen, twenty-seven, is the executive sous chef at Jean-Georges. Awesome. I only got to eat there once but it was fabulous. Jean-Georges was doing foams back then, which was about six years ago, and I thought that was the end of them. As we left, we saw an overly made up Dylan McDermott eating in the café -- AOL Time-Warner scored us a dining room reservations -- with his agent and wearing a weird purple turtleneck. Sara points out that the cheftestants all appear to be chefs, sous chefs, or business owners. Yeah, there aren't any home cooks this year. , we meet CJ. The BFG, who stands head and shoulders over nearly everyone else. The cancer survivor, who is in complete remission. I sort of like how he says, "I came down with cancer," like it was nothing more traumatic than the odd cold or flu bug. He ends his intro with, "I have one false testicle and I am ready to cook." Tasty. Actually, I had no idea there was such a thing as false testicles but now I know better. More than that, I now know that there are false testicles out there for CATS! Yes, it's true. In order to boost your cat's self-esteem, you can grace their furry bottoms with Neuticles. They can run you between $73 and $329 a pair. Of course, you can buy them singly but it looks like there's a saving if you buy two. They come in all sizes, too, from large to petite. Now, how is that going to help your pet's self-esteem? Going around knowing that he's got "petite" or "XXsmall" falsies? We live in a strange, strange world, my friends.
This is about the time when Colicchio and Padma walk in and beckon them over. Padma introduces herself and then turns the floor over to Colicchio, who says, "Welcome to Top Chef season three. You know, as much as I would like to help you and jump in, I'm not your mentor, I'm the head judge of the show." He totally says, "I'm not your mentor" in an "I'm not your mother" tone. "My job is to check out what you're doing in the kitchen and report back to the other judges." So, spying and tattling, which, in these parts, we like to call the Sniff 'n' Sneer. Padma is glad to see they've been enjoying themselves because the party's over, and it's Quickfire time. The cheftestants blanch audibly. Padma would like them to create a character-defining amuse bouche using the hors d'oeuvres they've all be gnawing on just moments before. They have ten minutes.
First Food Flurry of the new season. Howie Kleinberg, thirty-one and executive chef of The Food Gang -- Bravo's site wants to call it "The Food Gong" -- tells us his reaction to the Quickfire: "And right then, I wasn't expecting it -- we didn't have our knives, the girls were in high-heeled shoes…it didn't seem like the time or the place that they were going to do it." Welcome to Top Chef, Howie, where time and place don't have much meaning. Think of it as Star Trek without all the latex. Casey Thompson, the executive boob chef at Shinsei, knows what an amuse bouche is, "An amuse bouche means it's the start of your meal. It's the thing that sets your meal off, it sets the tone of the meal." Brian Malarkey, the thirty-four-year-old executive chef at Oceanaire in San Diego, lists all the foods they had on hand to work with -- salami, cheese, devilled eggs, fruits, shrimp, oysters, etc. -- "Pretty much everything under the rainbow was represented on that table." One of my grandfather's favorite expressions was, "That's a bunch of malarkey!" Between him and Hung, the name jokes will run thick and long. And I'm sure they haven't heard ANY of them before.
Padma calls time, and thank GOD we don't have to go over every single dish. To save time, we are shown only the notable offerings, good or bad. Starting with Howie, the judges sample a cappicola-wrapped poached shrimp with heirloom tomatoes and Champagne-basil vinaigrette. Okay, so here's my first question: how did he poach the shrimp? Maybe he went all MacGyver and used candles to heat a glass of Champagne to a bare tremble and dropped the shrimp in. Or, the shrimp, being cocktail shrimp, was already poached instead of steamed and somehow he knew that. But I like the MacGyver idea because I like Howie.
Micah introduces the judges to her "Tuscan Sushi Revisited," featuring Italian ham wrapped around dried figs, fig jam, and Gorgonzola, and drizzled with balsamic vinegar. I'm curious if she found balsamic vinegar on its own somewhere or if it had already been combined with oil and turned into a vinaigrette. Technically speaking, Gorgonzola does not come from Tuscany, it comes from Lombardy or Piedmont. And did you know that Japan is trying to certify sushi, so that you can't call stuff sushi unless it conforms to their traditional standards? That they would frown mightily on something being called "sushi" when it contains none of the authentic Japanese ingredients. I think the Russians are trying to do the same thing with vodka.
Dale wrapped a thin slice of beautifully pink beef tenderloin around blue cheese, sliced radish, and sea salt and skewered the whole thing with a rosemary sprig tied with a chive flower flourish. That looks and sounds pretty impressive. Clay and his fruit gazpacho is up . He hollowed out a Granny Smith apple and filled it with fruit. The liquid part of the gazpacho is a Champagne flute of juice on the side. Colicchio comments that the size of Clay's gaznotcho is more in line with a first course and not an amuse bouche, which you're supposed to be able to eat in a single bite. Casey rather snobbishly backs me up, "I'm an executive chef. I know what an amuse bouche is and clearly he didn't. I mean, it's supposed to be a small bite, one bite." Sara, looking to show her Jamaican/tropical side, presents her oyster with pineapple mignonette and slivers of smoked salmon. Hmm, I'm curious as to how something as strong as smoked salmon would go with pineapple, but Colicchio gives every indication of enjoying it.
Checking in on how Hung is hanging, Colicchio and Padma sample his hamachi with creamy egg rice -- did he use the yolks of devilled eggs for that? -- crisp grapes, chili sauce, olives, and a pesto vinaigrette. A lot going on in that, but I think the grapes would be refreshing against all the other strong flavors. When describing the dish, Hung calls the olives "fresh." Now how can that be? Because unless they're straight off the tree, in which case they are inedible and bitter, they have to be cured. I know calling something "fresh" is a big selling point, but it doesn’t make sense when it's wrong. Hung brags, "It's spicy, it's salty, it's sour, it's lean," and seems crestfallen when the judges move on without any comment other than, "Thanks." Hung's ego is standing there all, "What the fuck, people? Don't you know who I AM? Don't you know what I can DO? Give me some LOVE! Ah, screw you!" We end with Tre's hamachi tartare with avocado, strawberries, and Champagne served neatly in an elongated oyster shell. There's a great shot of Clay sucking on the dregs of a Champagne bottle and shrugging as he discovers it's empty.
Colicchio compliments everyone for an overall job well done, but he has to announce both winners and losers. Starting with the losers, he thought the cheese in Dale's tenderloin wrap was too aggressive for a first bite, Clay's was too big, and Tre's needed more acid. Colicchio's top three picks are Sara, Micah, and Hung, with Micah securing the win and Immunity for the Elimination Challenge. Padma sends them back to their digs at the Fontainebleau Resort.
Insert "oohing" and "ahhing" over their well-appointed penthouse here. Okay, so there's a tub in the middle of the bathroom. Smack right between two separate sinks, a tub. Which means, if you want to take a bath, you basically are taking over the entire bathroom. I don't think it would be exactly relaxing to have fellow cheftestants constantly knocking and doing the pee-pee dance on the other side of the door, whining, "Are you dooone yet?"
That night, the cheftestants hang out, and Clay can't let go of his mongo apple mistake. Clay announces, "Hell, I'm from Mississippi, pick it up and eat that sum bitch!" I love how they felt the need to caption Clay because apparently Bravo viewers wouldn't otherwise be able to decipher his mud-thick accent. It's like when MTV captioned David's friend from Boston on Real World: Seattle. Clay tells us that the title of Top Chef would make his father very proud because he was a great chef in the restaurant business. However, Clay tells us, "It got the better of him and unfortunately he took his own life. It didn't work out for him, but it's going to work out for me." Oh dear. Between Cancer Boy and Suicided Dad, how on earth am I going to make fun of these people?
The morning dawns bright and beautiful as the cheftestants roll out of bed and get ready for the day's Elimination Challenge. Howie tells us about The Food Gang, a restaurant he just opened in Miami. He's happy to socialize with other people, but for him, Top Chef is about the competition. So, in other words, "I'm not here to make friends, I'm here to win." Again. You know, just once I would love it if a cheftestant said, "I don't give a shit about the competition. I'm just here to meet people and laugh and love and, you know, generally hang out." ["I believe we called him 'Michael' last season." -- Joe R] It would be a refreshing change. Hung, who was probably asked the same question as Howie about making friends, puts it this way, "Everyone tells me where they work, where they're from, where they grew up, where they traveled, but you know what? I don't give a shit!" Well, allrighty then! Hung goes on, "The minute you pick up that knife, the way you talk, the way you walk toward an ingredient -- I know exactly where you stand." Okay, now THAT is interesting. I wonder how I walk toward my tomatoes and if it's any different from how I walk toward, say, lamb chops. Maybe I should start taping myself and analyze it. I'm sorta thinking Hung's full of crap.
The cheftestants roll into the new Top Chef kitchens and we get beauty shots of all the GE Monogram appliances. I think it's hysterical they ditched the Krapmore Kitchens and got refitted. I hope these appliances work better. Or at all. Colicchio and Padma are waiting for them, and I'm duly impressed with Padma's continued conservativeness in the kitchen. She's got on long, tight, pink pants, which sort of pouch her butt (but I think that's more because she's standing with her knees locked than anything else), a black gauzy blouse and -- can it be? -- round-toed shoes. They might not even be heels. Colicchio, on the other hand, needs to not wear a red v-neck t-shirt. Or v-necks of any color. Ever. Speaking of attire, it looks like the cheftesants got new coats. They look more yellowish than in past years, and it's not attractive. The color reminds me of plaque.
Lia explains that when she saw the table full of proteins on ice, she knew there was some exotic stuff there. She recognized razor clams and rattlesnake, but admits -- and I do love that a Jean-Georges executive chef admits to this -- that there was "this big pile of blacky-blue stuff and I don't even know what that is." The camera pans to show what looks like black fleshed birds of some sort. We find out later that it's black chicken, but I have never seen it before. Crazy. It's being called a "super food" in China now. Padma gestures at the piles of protein and announces they'll be using them to create a surf 'n' turf entrée. Colicchio steps in to say that surf 'n' turf is all about showing off. He admits that surf 'n' turf is usually made from the most luxurious ingredients, like filet mignon and lobster, but that's too easy. They are going to use these exotic ingredients to impress the judges with their culinary skills. Padma announces that there are only two portions of each particular protein, so it's possible that not everyone will get exactly what they want. The cheftestants draw knives to determine the order in which they'll pick their proteins. This means, of course, if you have a higher number you might have a slimmer chance of getting the protein you want or actually know how to cook.
Joey From New York goes first and admits to playing it safe by scoring some buffalo rib eye and a whole fish. In addition to buffalo, whole fish, black chicken, rattlesnake, and razor clams, there's also the very phallic geoduck, sea urchin (I hope they have Ilan on call in case someone needs him to pee on them), eel, wild boar, kangaroo, scorpion fish, alligator tail, ostrich, monkfish liver, and frog legs. The whole room applauds when Brian selects both eel and rattlesnake. Hung goes for geoduck and black chicken and tells us, "the black chicken is used only for braising -- we don't even eat the chicken because it's so damn tough. It's like eating freakin' wood." Okay, if you don't eat the chicken, then why did you choose the chicken? Wait, I think I get it -- he's going to be the first cheftestant to make a dish you don't eat! Now that's thinking outside the box.
Padma sends them off to the Fresh Market with thirty dollars and thirty minutes to shop for additional ingredients. They can also use anything in the Lee Anne-stocked Top Chef pantry and will have two hours to prep and cook. Colicchio announces that their guest judge is Anthony Bourdain, the man who really will put absolutely anything in his mouth if you tell him some small tribe in a forgotten village in a hard-to-reach, fourth-world country finds it slightly edible. I'm willing to bet Bourdain has had everything on that table at least once, so he knows what everything should taste like. CJ notes that Bourdain "isn't afraid to eat a brain out of a live monkey."
The cheftestants shop. Clay noodles around the produce shelves, searching for okra to serve with his scorpion fish and wild boar. Micah points it out and tells him to take it easy. Joey From New York observes this exchange and says to us, "Clay's a grown boy. If Clay didn't know what he was doing, he wouldn't be here right now. I hope she don't tell me what to do, because I'll tell her to go fuck herself." Ah, a cheftestant as classy as our dear Vice President. Joey From New York then nods at the camera as if to say, "Really and truly."
Back in the kitchens, the cheftestants divide into two groups. Group two is sent off to chill for a bit before they have to cook and present. Group one gets busy with the Food Flurry for two hours. The slow and plunky loser music plays as Howie prepares his sea urchin and frog legs. He tells us that it's a new experience for him to be at the mercy of time. They give us a shot of Howie aimlessly swinging his arms and whistling. Howie goes on that he's taking his time to make sure his mis-en-place is set up perfectly so he can put out the best food possible. Sandee, who is doing Cajun-style spider crab and frog legs, uses her injector to saturate the frog legs with some sort of juice. She doesn't say what it is, but I'm assuming it's a marinade. Joey From New York is feeling confident about his plan to poach buffalo rib eye and grilled scorpion fish. CJ is so tall, he's having his head blocked by the apron over the stove as he drops his spider crab into a huge stockpot.
Colicchio arrives for his Sniff 'n' Sneer and checks in with Clay. He wonders if Clay's wild boar and scorpion fish is going to be crrrrazy enough for Bourdain, but Clay points at something and says Bourdain will like his fried fish tail. Clay explains to us that he is known for his Cajun-Creole style and he's going to be adding his own Southern spin to it. Colicchio checks in with a few more cheftestants, suggests to Lia that she take the time to French her wild boar bones and make them beautiful, and learns that Howie is making a sea urchin risotto (and serving it in the hollowed out sea urchin) with fried frog leg lollipops. This is the second year Top Chef has had the opening episode include frog legs in the Elimination Challenge. More Food Flurrying as time runs down. Howie starts to give us a blow-by-blow of his final minutes and the upshot is, when Padma calls time -- quite aggressively for her, actually -- we see that Howie didn't have time to plate his frog legs with the risotto. He actually has the fry basket in his hands and is walking over to his station but there's nothing he can do about it and he's upset. He starts to pace angrily and swear. Howie picks up his plates and walks out, saying, "Guess I'm the one that's going home." He admits he has no one to blame but himself.
The first group presents their dishes to Gail, Colicchio, Padma, and Bourdain. Joey From New York steps up first and reveals his seared buffalo rib eye with an heirloom tomato salad and grilled scorpion fish with Mediterranean salad, olive tapenade, and potato chips. Sara N. also had the buffalo rib eye and is serving it with a black truffle sauce along with her razor clams that she topped with a sweet corn chowder, charred corn, and buttered carrots. Damn, that looks good. Clay nervously steps forward with his pan-seared wild boar chop and cornbread dressing with scorpion fish. Ah, now we see the fried fish tail; he stuck it in the middle of the cornbread dressing cake. It looks like an orange feathery fan. Lia crusted her rack of wild boar with sesame chili and it's nestled in a warm pile of ginger lentils. She also made a sea urchin panna cotta. Do you think she used sheet gelatin for that? Casey, who we haven't seen very much, used alligator tail to do a twist on country-fried steak. That's the most interesting part of her dish. Her other part is braised greens with razor clams but we don't get to know what she really did to them. CJ of the Hill People explains his ostrich tartare with horseradish and tarragon. It's sitting on top of spider crab meat and the whole thing has an anise and tomato broth carefully ladled around it. Sandee injected her frog legs with Cajun spice before deep-frying them and then made a jambalaya with the spider crab. Poor Howie steps up and announces that his ingredients were sea urchin and frog legs and what he's giving them is a sea urchin and chanterelle risotto with a sea urchin emulsion. Howie explains further that he was unfortunately unable to get the frog legs on the plate in time. Colicchio looks mightily perplexed at this, and Bourdain glances questioningly down the table at him. Howie admits to us that he's embarrassed have performed so badly in front of those judges.
The cheftestants leave, and the judges tuck in. Bourdain is pretty impressed with Lia's plate, and Gail likes Sandee's playful dish. Colicchio comments that CJ made one dish out of both ingredients instead of two separate, mostly independent preparations. He really likes it. Bourdain likes the sea urchin risotto and notes, "I guess he had frog leg problems?" Colicchio doesn't understand this because during his Sniff 'n' Sneer, Howie maintained that he had everything under control. "He had plenty of time," Colicchio adds. Gail has decided that Clay's dish is her least favorite of all. Colicchio thinks it's inedible. The boar chops are tough and the seasoning is off. "The chops look dead on arrival," Bourdain comments. Oh, now I know that's not the best you can do, Tony. "It's kinda got a home cooking kind of a thing, but a home I wouldn't want to live in," he adds. There it is. I can just picture Bourdain writing out these bon mots before he shows up for the taping. He knows that chances are, out of fifteen cheftestants, at least one of them will prepare a "home cooking kind of thing" that he can rip on. For all we know, he's got another line ready and waiting for comfort food. "I know it's supposed to be comfort food, but I'm feeling UNcomfortable putting it in my mouth."
The second group starts their food flurry, and Hung makes love to the camera by dramatically popping a piece of something into his mouth. Is it the black chicken breast? Tre hangs over Sara M.'s shoulder and says he's never seen a geoduck before. Dale, with his monkfish liver and alligator, says his personal challenge is creating a dish around two things he's never tasted before. Well, with one, it's pretty safe to trot out the old, "Tastes like chicken," but I'm not sure what can be divined about the monkfish liver. Loser music doo-bee-doobs while Brian plays around with his rattlesnake and eel and says he doesn't know how to butcher them. Because it tends to be dry, Sara M. tackled her black chicken by brining the breasts and braising the legs and thighs. Camille, who owns a restaurant in Brooklyn, tells us she excels at "simple food done right." She's never cooked the kangaroo and abalone she's prepping now, but she's feeling confident with her simple, clean approach.
Arriving for his second Sniff 'n' Sneer of the day -- hope he doesn't sprain his nasal passages -- Colicchio learns that Hung is going to sous vide his black chicken to prevent dryness. Checking in with Tre, who is dealing with kangaroo and abalone, Colicchio posits that Tre is someone who isn't used to losing. "You're very right, sir, that's a good observation," Tre says, proud that Colicchio has already sussed that quality out of him. Food Flurry. Hung tells Tre to tastes something of his. Tre sticks the spoon in his mouth, rolls his eyes in food ecstasy, and says, "Damn." "Three flavors -- it's awesome, huh?" Hung brags and bops happily back over to his station. Time ticks down, and the cheftestants plate their creations. Tre thinks Brian is looking flustered. Padma screams to put their utensils down and their hands up. It's like when we used to take the Benchmark tests, "Pencils down!" Brian curses. He didn't have time to plate everything.
Tre is the first of the second group to present his dish of roasted, game-spiced ostrich fillet with heirloom tomato risotto and fresh abalone sauce. The slices of deep pink ostrich are fanned attractively around the risotto. Earlier, Tre said he was going to serve his abalone raw because he thinks that's the best way to have it. Oh, bring me a drink -- here comes Brian with his whack-a-doo dish. So, it's "Hair of Medusa, Eyes with Fries" and I don't even know what part of the dish that is but it comes with a Sriracha-lime aioli. Then, Brian explains, there's the sea eel, which was supposed to be topped with "this beautiful miso and blood orange salad," but he ran out of time. But he's not done yet, he also has "the Electric Venom Soup," which is a broth he made "by combining the two and adding a little bit of Asian flair to it." I can only assume that "the two" he is referring to is the eel and rattlesnake? And he somehow made a broth with them? The best part is that there are NO Bravo graphics to accompany this dish. I think after "Hair of Medusa," they just went, "Oh, screw it!" Meanwhile, this whole whimsical dish-naming with the venom and the Medusa and the eyes has turned Brian into this year's Betty.
Camille showcases her spicy maple-crusted abalone fritter (droolicious) and pan-seared kangaroo with a delicate fresh vegetable and herb sauce and herb salad. Sara M. explains her black chicken and geoduck ceviche with cucumber and red pepper ribbons. Hung stamps forward and announces his dish of sous vide black chicken and raw geoduck with fennel. He sliced the geoduck thin and then took the innards of the giant freaking clam and made a sauce to "bind both dishes" with ginger and scallion. For her trio -- again with the TRIOS! -- Micah seared some kangaroo, placed it on top of a sweet potato pudding, and served it in a ramekin. The little dish is poached egg with chive oil, topped with monkfish "chopped liver," and the final is ostrich carpaccio with the monkfish chopped liver and dukka. Interesting, Micah used three different proteins when they only needed two. I wonder if she figured her daring would catapult her to the top for a possible win. Either that or she wanted to make damn sure the judges didn't think she was slacking just because she has Immunity. Dale, who, as he reminds them, "had the privilege of being last," took monkfish liver and braised it and used it in an apple hash. He goes on to say, "And a sherry vinegar gastrique and olive oil-poached shallot and leek salad on top." Okay, but what he doesn't say -- and it's very odd they didn't include this -- is that the shallot-leek salad is on top of his mustard-seared alligator tail. They completely left that part of his explanation out. Bizarre.
The cheftestants are sent out and the judges stuff their faces once again. Colicchio really likes Tre's dish, Bourdain is impressed with Hung, and Gail questions Dale's "super-tough" alligator. Regarding Brian's crazy eel and rattlesnake mess, Bourdain says, "I would love this dish if I was drunk." I'm not sure that's a compliment or a criticism. "I feel I should be eating this at a bar," Bourdain goes on.
Now it's time for the actual Judges' Table. They all agree that the level of the cheftestants is pretty high and it was fairly promising start for all of them. Talking about presentation, Colicchio says he really liked how Sara M. plated her black chicken with the claw. "REALLY?!" Padma busts out. Calm down, honey. Bourdain also liked that aspect of the dish and comments, "It tells me 'I am not a supermarket chicken.'" Yeah, so does the black skin, Tony. Bourdain tells Padma that a presentation like that has a certain amount of confidence in it, and at any rate, "You're lucky we didn't get the beak." Their favorite dishes came from Hung and Tre. Padma goes to retrieve the lucky two.
Tre is not surprised that Hung was called back with him. "This is gonna be the guy that's going to be right there to me…I don't feel like anyone else in this competition can outcook me," Tre says. Padma tells them what they clearly already know, they are the top two. When the top two don't really react because they already know they are just That Good, Padma nearly shouts, "You can SMILE!" Who put a quarter in her tonight? Tre and Hung sort of smile. Padma tells Hung they felt his dish was very beige-y and asks him to react to that. Hung say, "I was happy with it -- not everything needs full color. Just because the color's not there…if the food is good, that's the final product. You may eat with your eyes first but it's your stomach, it's your mouth that is what tastes it." I think that means he disagrees with the judges. When they turn their attention to Tre, he says that he was really happy with his dish. Colicchio asks if they tasted each other's dishes. Tre shakes his head in admiration, "Oh man, I tasted his and I was just in love. I was just, like, wow. I mean, to me it just amazed me what he did with that geoduck." Hung snuffles a nasal and goofy, "Thanks!" back at Tre. Padma points out that both in season one and season two, the cheftestant who won the first Elimination Challenge also went on to win the whole shebang. "But no pressure!" Gail jokes. Speaking on behalf of all the judges, Bourdain says that they really liked both dishes, but Hung's food, while impeccable, was just missing that needed color. Tre, on the other hand, was more conservative with his approach but he brought color, flavor, and texture together impressively. Tre wins the challenge. Tre nods impassively. "As today's winner you get," Bourdain says and reaches under the table, "A stack of my collected works, all signed with obscene doodles inside. And time we're in New York at the same time, I'm taking you out for late-night Yakitori and getting you savage drunk." Tre grins.
Padma sends Tre and Hung to bring back Clay, Dale, Howie, and Brian. I feel so bad for Howie because I think he's a really good chef who just didn't manage his time properly. The four losers stand in front of the judges to take the heat. Starting with Brian, Padma asks him if he knows why he's there. Brian admits that he made his dishes too complicated for the time allowed and got carried away with his "dueling snakes." Okay, so now the Medusa and the eyes and the venom are having duels? Sure, why not? Colicchio wonders why he fried them. "They're FRIED, because I knew they had the elasticity to handle the fry, although the snake got a little tough on me," Brian says, practically shouting at times. Here's where Padma gets her inner Bourdain on, "You say they held up well against the frying, I actually think ANYTHING holds up well against frying." Padma starts to wiggle her head back and forth, giving attitude for some reason, "You could fry my TOE and batter it well and it would taste good." Colicchio chuckles, briefly closing his eyes. I think he's sort of embarrassed that Padma is talking about battering something after the fry, which would just be weird and gloppy and wrong. I wonder how many hits it would take for Padma to want to eat her own fried toe. Colicchio thinks Brian should have kept his stuff on the bone. Brian's response? "I SCORED them very NICEly and WHAT I WAS TRYING TO GET (his voice is actually echoing around the room) was I was trying to expose the ribs on them and I spent a little too long on that. And it came out nice, but the problem is the ribs didn't come exposed like I wanted them too because I was going to have the dueling ribs up here…" Okay, are they dueling ribs or dueling snakes? I cannot follow his train of thought. His eyes are all crazy and his voice is so very loud and I'm just sort of scared now. Bourdain dings him for dithering over his decisions.
Moving on to Dale, I have to turn the TV volume back up to normal. Dale knows he's there because he didn't know much about the products he had. His strategy was to taste and test-cook the proteins. He discovered he didn't like the texture that resulted from searing and cooking the alligator all the way through. Colicchio steps in to say that the medium rareness of the alligator was a big problem for the judges, and they all found it to be too chewy. Bourdain says Dale tried to play it safe to keep from ending up as the worst. Dale opens his mouth but just nods. Poor Howie is . He knows why he's there. "What HAPPENED?" Padma demands. Okay, she's also having volume problems. Colicchio doesn't understand why Howie didn't have enough time to plate the frog legs. Howie admits he was trying to recrisp the frog legs because he was trying to get everything absolutely perfect. Bourdain has a question: "What is your major malfunction?" Howie stands there and repeats the question. Bourdain points out that Howie already knows that the first rule of restaurant business is to show up on time and the second rule is to have your stuff in the window on time, at the same time as everyone else. "I want my food now, I want it hot, and I want when I want it," Bourdain adds. Howie agrees, "That's fair enough. In your book, though --" Oh, this is going to be AWESOME! "...there's a little part that says about Ecuadorian line cooks, I believe?" Howie goes on. "Oh, that's unfair, man!" Bourdain laughs, banging the table, totally cornered. "It says, you can yell at this person, at this person, and they'll give it to you when it's wrong. But these particular people, they give it to you when it's right." "You son of a bitch!" Bourdain responds, in total respect. "Oh, you're in trouble!" Gail says, trying to get in on it. "You want it fast and you want it right," Colicchio sums up. Isn't that, like, Burger King's slogan or something? Howie agrees that, of course he wants it fast and right, and it kills him that a matter of seconds is what's between him moving on or going home tonight.
Finally, we get to Clay, who doesn't know why he's there, actually. He stands behind his dish. Colicchio says that with forty minutes to go, Clay had already cooked his wild boar, "Did you think it was cooked correctly at that point or when you served it?" Clay wanted to sear the boar and then par-cook it and he wasn't going for well done. He thinks he should have made the chops thicker. Bourdain steps in, "You're serving a wedding party of a hundred-fifty and you par-cook your chops. Wild boar is a beautiful thing -- why you par-cooking your chops?" Clay looks like a deer caught in headlights. He admits he was playing it safe but he still stands behind his dish. Colicchio thinks he's standing behind his dish but he's also backtracking and adds that the cornbread dressing was inedible as well. For Gail, it wasn't the dressing, it was the chop that was so bad. Bourdain finalizes the discussion with, "This was not a conceptual problem, this was a problem of fundamentals. It's overcooked, too thin, not good." Padma sends the cheftestants back out.
As they do their usual deliberation, Padma again harps on the fact that even if Brian's fried rattlesnake tasted good, anything is good when fried and he didn't do justice to the "stupendous" ingredients. Bourdain argues, "There was not a single egregious food crime on that plate." They all agree that Dale's alligator was tough, and Colicchio thinks Dale's taste level is also suspect in this case. Colicchio is not impressed with Clay's backtracking. Gail thinks he had a good concept, but couldn't pull the trigger. "He pulled the trigger forty minutes early and he ended up with prison chow," Bourdain says. Colicchio's first reaction was that the chops were inedible. "Those chops, that was like economy class on, you know, Air Cambodia," Bourdain zings. In the back, Clay jokes he needs a punching bag and a shot of whisky. Colicchio thinks there is no excuse for Howie leaving the frog legs off the plate. Gail really liked the risotto, which makes her think that the frog legs would have been equally as good. Padma sums it up, "What is the greater crime, though, leaving something off the plate?" "Or Clay's dish," Colicchio chuckles. They deliberate some more over Clay and Howie. Based on his risotto, Colicchio thinks it shows he has potential. Bourdain appears to be saying that Howie flat-out failed at the task. I started to wonder if there were hard and fast rules that would disqualify Howie for not serving both proteins, but after two seasons, I think we've learned that the rules on this show are malleable and there's very little that will get you thrown off. Except maybe a full-Nelson.
The four losers are brought back before the judges and there's some reminding of why they all failed, but in the end, Clay is knifed. Poor Clay. He hugs the cheftestants goodbye and tells us he has already made some really close friends. Aw, Clay is totally the type of guy to think that after such a short time. The other cheftestants applaud him and he packs up his knives. "If I could learn anything from my father, it's to go with your heart and to do what you know is right. But I think he already knows I'm a Top Chef. Either way, I don't need a fancy title," Clay says.