A polka-dotted Padma explains what we're about to see: Harold, Tiffani, Dave, and Stephen from the first season are going up against the season twosies, Sam, Elia, Marcel, and Ilan. Food and cooking will be involved, and the winning team gets to donate $20,000 to a charity of their choice.
My joy at seeing Tiffani and Stephen and hoping they bring the bitch and the FISHHOOK tonight is truly a testament to how much the Season Two cheftestants irritate the skin off of me.
In case the name is at all misleading, Miami Beach is full of palm trees, bikinis, beaches, and Miami. A fairly conservatively dressed Padma -- seriously, a button-down shirt? Aw, Padmadala, you disappoint me! -- stands to Colicchio, rubbing her hands with hungry glee as Season One walks in. Padma welcomes them and introduces herself and reintroduces Colicchio, who looks so happy to see the quartet, even his shiny head is creased with a smile. I want to see his feet. I want to see if he's wearing socks with his white espadrilles. After Padma nudges Harold to announce the big news about his restaurant, Perilla, opening, she explains why Lee Anne isn't there to whip Season Two's ass with the rest of her season. She's working behind the scenes on the show as the culinary producer. Lee Anne -- cutely do-ragged up and wearing overalls and a tank top -- walks out to say hi. Aw, hi Lee Anne! I really want them to put her in front of the camera this year. Just a few bits here and there, being a mentor, something. I love how official she looks with her bits of wires here and there and her causal clothes. I just love her. And on the opposite end of that emotional spectrum, let's meet Season Two! Again! Too soon!
As Season Two walks in, Colicchio singsongs, "Look at the new haircuts!" Seriously! Ilan sheared and mohawked himself, and Elia appears to have turned into her very own grandmother. Elia, your virginal white hair isn't going to make us think you've suddenly become a white hat. It just looks like you got a really bad scare. Oh, wait, maybe that's the result of seeing Ilan's hair. Marcel's hair, on the other hand, actually looks more toned down compared to his usual pompadour. There doesn't seem to be as much of it swirling, whirling, and dipping around. Colicchio asks Ilan what he's been up to since Hawaii. And then we get a close-up of Ilan's hair. Okay, now what is going on there? Is that -- that's not a fade is it? Do you think he did that himself? What's it supposed to be? At first I thought it might be a Native American fish, but now I'm not so sure. Maybe it's trying to tell us a story? Oh my god, it's totally hairoglyphics! Can you imagine the Rosetta Stone you'd need to read Ilan's head? It would be a pebble. In responding to Colicchio, Ilan says ambiguously, "I've gotten lots of offers. Things that are way too big, I think. My first restaurant needs to be tiny." To match your skill level. Now, hair aside, why is Ilan wearing JT Walsh's glasses? They look hideous. However, they do obscure a good deal of his face, so I guess I can support that. Well played, Ilan. Ilan tells us that since his win, he's just been going around getting lots of advice from other chefs about opening restaurants. How thrilling. Colicchio pointedly asks if Ilan has any regrets from the season. The camera moves with a DUN! to Marcel, as Ilan says he really doesn't.
Citing "the blogs," Colicchio says a lot of people out there have opinions about which season has the better chefs and he wants to know what they think. Do they think they're better than the other season? Stephen -- of course! -- is the one to answer, "I do." Tiffani bursts out laughing and Dave grins. Stephen elaborates, and I've never been so happy to hear him pontificate, "They talked a big game, but when it came to the competition, it completely fell short." Stephen's fully confident that the Onesies will beat the Twosies. Colicchio asks if Marcel and Ilan have buried the hatchet. Ilan says they're good. Marcel lip-services, "Together we stand, you know, united. Divided we fall." He's shifting his weight on his feet a lot and not really looking up, so I'm pretty sure he doesn't believe what he's saying. But it's just a guess.
And , because we can't escape from it, we get a Quickfire. The Quickfire winners from each team will be the team leaders for the actual challenge. Dave promises he's not going to cry "this episode." Aw, come on -- what's Top Chef without Crying Dave? They're going to be cooking eggs, a subject on which Stephen needs to discourse, "As far as any chef is concerned, if you can cook eggs, you can cook. If you can't cook eggs, you probably are better off not being in the kitchen." Someone needs to tell that to the Hell's Bitches (excluding Julia, of course). They can cook the eggs any way they want, but there's a twist: they have to do it one-handed. Most of them laugh incredulously, but Elia is really peeved. So, they have to put an oven mitt on one hand and keep that hand behind their back at all times. Clearly they get to choose the sacrificial hand because most put the mitt on their left hand but Sam opts for his right. Dave tells us, "It's just stressful. It's stressful." I don't see why this should really be that stressful for any of these guys. They are no longer competing for the huge prize, so it's not so cutthroat and scary. Why can't they just enjoy that they are raising money for charity and have fun with it? They might perform better that way. Padma gives them ten minutes to cook.
Food Flurry with stuff crashing and falling and cheftestants helping one another unscrew caps and running around like crazy. Except Stephen. See, Stephen explains that he had "every one of those minutes planned out," and was not at all hurried or stressed. His calm tone is so "the reason that I am better than you is just because I am better than you." Oh, Stephen, I've missed your superior pomposity. Dave, meanwhile, is literally flapping (one winged, of course) all over the kitchen. He juggles some bulk spices up to one ear and then sort of humps the canister against the table to open it. And I just don't know what to make of Ilan deep-throating his immersion blender except to assume he's auditioning for a culinary porno called Cockalot, Eat Out Man Woman, Titilla Soup or Babette's Fuck. Everyone talks about their fancy-pants dishes, but Stephen, in a complete divergence from character, tells us that he went simple and decided to do the perfect omelet. Marcel gleefully tells us that he's making an "ode to a Spanish breakfast." "And what better way to approach the smackdown than a saffron foam?" Marcel asks us. I can think of nothing. Time runs out.
Padma and Colicchio get to the tasting. Dave complains to us that his Asian-spiced scrambled eggs were overcooked as a result of "that Quickfire stress."
And then there's this cut-in line where Dave adds, "Plus, I'm not twitching as much but I probably am." Okay, the incongruity of that sentence aside, what twitching? And is he on medication for it? Because I would think twitching in a kitchen can be sort of dangerous. You could lose a finger. Or five.Padma and Colicchio move on to Tiffani's herb and cream-poached eggs with Parmesan cheese. Colicchio and Padma scoop the drippy eggs out of the bowl and lose most of the egg through the fork tines. Tiffani admits to us that while she's good at cooking eggs, today her eggs hadn't set up properly. I know they can't be, but her eggs look almost raw. "Egg soup," Colicchio chirps. "Eh, cream-poached eggs," Tiffani corrects him calmly.
Stephen's "perfect omelet" is up . Oh, and his explanation is so awesomely smug. "The perfect omelet is simple. All it really takes is a little bit of attention to detail. I've been executing this sort of excellence for years now." Yes, you have. No, I'm being serious because I'm just delighting in everything he says tonight. The more pompous and self-congratulatory he gets, the more I giggle.
Harold presents his Parmesan Shirred Eggs with Soy Butter. That sounds…sort of weird, but okay, it's Harold. I trust him. The judges taste and move on to Marcel's "Ode to a Spanish Breakfast" with scrambled eggs stuffed prettily into eggshells and dressed with saffron foam. Colicchio chuckles over this, and Ilan snaps his head up to look over at them. Speaking of Ilan, his dish is and I now see that he has a different design carved into this side of his head. If you let your eyes go blurry, it sort of looks like a mountain range. His egg thing is an egg white omelet with the yolks whisked into a béarnaise sauce. Ilan tells us that his dish is really small and that's why he didn't get a chance to taste it. However, he did season it, "but blindly." The omelet may be small and hard to taste but he could have tasted the sauce for seasoning. Our chefs always wanted us to taste egg dishes in their raw state to check for seasoning. I had a hard time doing that.
Elia silently -- she's very quiet this entire episode -- stands to her Panko-Fried Eggs with Tarragon and Paprika as the judges slurp their bites down. Finally, we end with Sam's Fried Eggs Over Pickled Cranberries and Cherries with a Pine Nut Vinaigrette. Damn, my mouth is puckering just thinking about it. Although, I can see where he's going with it. It's sort of the same flavor concept of a classic poached egg salad on bitter frisée with an astringent vinaigrette. You break into that yolk and the fatness is just going to meld with and balance out the bitter and sharp of the dish. The added lardons don't hurt either. Colicchio wipes his mouth -- is he spitting it out? -- and proclaims the dish, "Interesting." Sam notes that calling a dish "interesting" isn't exactly a compliment. Yeah, it's how my mother got by with criticizing my hair without really criticizing it. "Hasn't Keckler done something interesting with her hair?"
Arranging themselves in front of all the chefs, the judges pass down their judgment. Dave's signature flavors were in his dish, but Colicchio wishes he had cooked his eggs less, just as he wishes Tiffani had cooked her eggs more. Colicchio really liked Stephen's omelet and was impressed at how well it came out in spite of using only one hand. Omelets are tricky, but the classic French way of making it is to bang it down in the side of the pan (just before plating) with one hand, so I wonder if the twist might have worked to Stephen's advantage. Stephen wins the Quickfire for the Onesies and will be their team leader. Stephen's charity of choice for his team is the Susan G. Komen Foundation for Breast Cancer Research.
Moving on to Season Two, Colicchio quickly says that Marcel's saffron foam was really great, Ilan's dish was way too salty, Elia's fresh herbs were nice, and Sam's "interesting" dish was cooked really well and he liked the dish. Colicchio says he would have given the win to Ilan but he couldn't get past the salt, so Marcel wins the team leadership. While I can understand that after what Marcel went through last season and seems to be still going through even now, Marcel has reason to be a bit gloat. However, I think he goes a bit overboard in patting himself on the back for this complete saffron smackdown of Ilan. He even punches it up with those rappy arm gestures of his. No rap, though. Yet. Marcel's chosen charity is Share Our Strength: Working to End Childhood Hunger in America. Colicchio then announces that Stephen and the Onesies are the overall winners. Excellent. Excellent.
Why are they calling this the Elimination Challenge? Who is going to be eliminated? Well, I guess they all are, technically, so maybe that's the whole point. It's a stupid point, but I guess I could argue it. In Stupid Court. Padma explains that each team will prepare a four-course meal using pre-determined proteins. The first course will be scallops, the second lobster, the third duck, and the final Kobe beef. Ilan dramatically licks his lips and nauseates me. Padma taunts them with the information that their judges will be the usual suspects and also a bunch of mystery judges, who are "special guests with a wide array of discriminating palates." Harold frowns at this, but not from concern. It looks more like he's wondering why Padma is making such a big deal about the guests when he has his Own Restaurant. The Twosies have $200 to spend and because of their win, the Onesies have $300. I can't believe I didn't immediately call where that extra $100 was going to go with Stephen as team leader.
The teams split up to plan their menus and divvy up the courses. As Ilan learns he's doing the duck by default, I finally see what his head etching is. It's the New York skyline, isn't it? At least on one side. That's the Empire State Building. There's even a waxing moon. I just…don't know what to make of that, honestly. You know those jokes about people being so dumb they have a "space for rent" sign in their heads? I think that's the literal truth for Ilan. He rented out his head to some artist who needed a place to practice his craft. Or maybe Ilan did it because if he ever he forgets where he lives, he can just look in the mirror. He might get lost when his hair starts to grow back, though. And he better make sure to use Head and Shoulders or else the city's in for an unseasonable snowstorm. Ilan's not thrilled about doing the duck because, as Marcel notes, they "aren't huge in Spanish cuisine." Come on, Ilan! Haven't you learned another cuisine by now? Ilan mutters that two hours isn't enough time for him to feel comfortable doing duck.
Zipping over to the Onesies, Stephen suggests they pick a region that they all stick to in order to have some cohesiveness. He thinks they should do the Mediterranean. Dave wants to do Miami flavors, but Stephen wants him to refocus his ideas on the aforementioned Mediterranean. Dave bitches to us, "Why, if I'm in Florida, am I doing a Mediterranean menu? Why don't we make it more fun?" Because it's Stephen's decision, Dave.
The Twosies are likewise discussing their menu and decide to take inventory of what they have in the Top Chef kitchens. They send Ilan. Marcel tells Elia that he thinks it would be cool if she did both seared and raw scallops. Elia's white hair just looks at him. Ilan pokes around on the spice shelf and in the fairly-empty looking fridge while the Onesies try to hold their super-secret menu meeting. Dave makes a noise to stop Stephen from finishing a sentence about how something would be really cool "if." The Onesies stop talking altogether and Stephen makes a hysterical face at his team like, "What the hell is Hairoglyphic Boy doing?" Dave has a bitchy hand on his hip as he purses his lips and looks pissed. Tiffani mutters just passive-aggressively loud enough for Ilan to hear, "We'll go outside time." Awesome -- that was the perfect opportunity for Tiffani to act like Tiffani to great and deserving effect. Stephen tells us that he thinks Ilan is the most immature cheftestant on Season Two. We cut back to Ilan snacking on the spices and making yummy noises in such a way that you know he just thinks he's the cutest thing ever. So, if the other side of Ilan's head is the NY skyline, is the thing I took to be a Native American fish maybe the Brooklyn Bridge? Completely fed up with Ilan being both a camera hog and a snoop, the Onesies take off.
The cheftestants converge on Fresh Market and shop for their dinners. Elia says that she's doing a duo of scallops and her idea is to do one raw and one cooked. Aha, that's why they showed Marcel telling her he thought she should do both raw and cooked. Because she's trying to claim it as her idea. This could get good. Dave tells us, "I'm working with a team, so that's what it's about -- it's not about me." Except when you're whining about not being listened to or when Tiffani is bossing you, then it's a little bit about you, right Dave? Dave says he's doing cold-smoked scallops with a triple olive tapenade, "and Mediterranean flavors. My style? No. But within the theme of the menu." Dave, I do love you, but if it's not going to be about you, don't, you know, MAKE it about you.
Sam and Ilan shop for their dishes, with Ilan admitting he's trying something that branches out from his Spanish comfort zone.
And here comes the wine. With their extra bit of cash, Stephen wants to do -- say it with me -- a wine pairing. Well, fine, he's the leader and they have the ducats, so go crazy.
All the cheftestants return to their hotel and, as Stephen puts it, "There's wine flowing." Somehow, I think the wine is always flowing in Stephen's life. But that's a good thing. I mean, the boy is opening a wine bar. Marcel, doing a slight dancey thing, which I fear will quickly go south, tells us the competition is fierce. While they all eat, Marcel asks Harold if he's making the duck. I guess Harold nodded and refused to say more. When he gets the question turned back on him, Marcel (again with the dancey thing), says, jokingly, "Lobster consommé with caviar." And then takes it back, saying he doesn't know what he's making. Harold just sits there and looks bored with all of it. Marcel goes on to us that they are going to kick the Onesies' asses. "I mean, Harold? What? Stephen? What? Tiffani? What? Dave? Bring IT." And then he raps. Again.
"Immina bust out the shit in the kitchen
'cuz I got a serious itchin'
to lay it down like the serious dishin'
rappin' about whas gonna happen
[something unintelligible]
spices gonna be delicious."
Oh, good job, Marcel. You killed Joe R! ["I'll revive myself just long enough to flick him right between the eyes. Little twerp." -- Joe R]
Clearly sauced, Marcel is all giddy and starts talking to the very quiet group about how his prep list has none of those molecular gastronomy additives. Dave -- whine glass in hand -- shrugs, "If you can cook, you can cook. If you need fucking emulsions and creams and blah-blah-blah to fucking make it work, that's all good. That's your thang." Yeah, but Dave, the first half of your sentence? The one with all the fucks? Totally negates the sincerity of the second half. It's all in that "If you want to do BLANK, that's fine. That's you." And the subtext and tone is, "But, you know, I clearly think it sucks." But Dave's not done yet. Hoping to score another copyrighted line on a t-shirt, he says, "If the bitch can cook, let him cook." Someone bursts out laughing, and I think it's Dave's original bitch, Tiffani. Marcel wants to rumble with Dave for calling him a bitch. Elia says something in an appeal to Sam, who has been telling Marcel to cut it out. Sam responds that he doesn't need this shit. "Then just stay out of it," Elia advises. Yeah, and hide your clippers. Dave tells us Marcel is arrogant. Because someone put an asshole quarter in him, Marcel just keeps going and attacks the Onesies: "You guys are so afraid, that's why you ran away with your tails tucked in between your legs." Harold's face is impassive, but Tiffani sucks in her lips and mutters, "Jesus Christ." ["And I could kiss her on those very sucked-in lips for that, because that's the appropriate response to all of Marcel's bullshit this week: profane exasperation." -- Joe R] Seriously, Marcel -- all that good karma you racked up by being the attacked one last year is sort of going down the drain. And you know what else? You're making Ilan look good by comparison here. I can't forgive you for that. Speaking of the follicularly challenged one, he's just sitting at a table, not getting involved. Just letting Marcel run off at the mouth.
Finally, Harold gets into it. He yells at Marcel, "Why don't you fucking sit down and calm down? And be a fucking professional and an adult. Stop being a fucking child." The camera pans over to follow Marcel as he meekly obeys Harold. Harold has one leg slung over the back of the couch and he's pointing an angry finger at Marcel. Hee! He's talking to Marcel like he's a hyperactive child who has had too much sugar and needs to wear a helmet! But man, when HAROLD has to tell you to shut the fuck up, that's like, dude, you have gotten BEYOND annoying. He never told Stephen to shut up, and, man, he never even told Tiffani to shut up. Not even when she apologized for her back running into his knife! Harold's like the dad who never really gets mad. Just lets the mom do most of the parenting and punishing, but then when he does get mad, it's scary. Because you know you're in trouble for reals. Harold tells us that Marcel needs to work on his professionalism. "My bad," Marcel jives to the room, "My sincere apologies." Oh, Marcel. I think you're done.
The morning, the cheftestants have two hours to prep. Food Flurry. Stephen opines that his butter-poached lobster tail, using saffron-infused butter is going to be "spot on." At least he didn't say soigné. Harold's feeling pretty laid-back about his "old school" Sicilian spicy duck meatballs with gnocchi. Ilan tells us that he's going head-to-head with Harold, "It's a little exciting," So exciting, he's considering sticking the immersion blender back in his mouth. Someone -- I do think it's Lee Anne -- tells them how much time they have left. We miss you, Lee Anne! And here is Colicchio for his Sniff 'n' Sneer! Wait, didn't I read that he wasn't going to be nosing around the kitchen any more? And also, after all his protestations last year how he WASN'T a mentor, that he might actually be taking on that role this year? Maybe that all only applies to when Season Three actually gets going. The best part of Colicchio's Sniff 'n' Sneer is when Marcel tells Colicchio that his lobster going up against Stephen's is "going to be a smackdown." Stephen raises his head over this with a firm and bemused smile on his face, like, "Oh, reaaaaaaally?!"
Colicchio walks over to Stephen and asks about the wines he chose. Stephen confirms that he put together a whole set of pairings. "Now," Colicchio says, getting into it, "We're serving these courses head-to-head, right?" Stephen agrees with this statement. Colicchio just sits there, trying to bite back a smile and nods, "Okay…" "Soooo…?" Stephen asks, cocking his head and turning red. Colicchio HYSTERICALLY tries to figure out how to put this gently. His face goes through several different variations on how to start his sentence. The sentence that will strike dread into Stephen's wine marinated heart. "You're serving your wine with the other food as well?" Colicchio says, and he's almost gleeful. Either that, or he's just totally cracking up over how dense Stephen is being. Stephen stands there, mouth open, and you can see the exact moment when he is all, "Fuuuuuck!" And realizes how truly screwed they might be. "What if your wine goes better with the course that they're preparing?" Colicchio asks. Stephen doesn't answer. That's a DUN! on this show if I ever heard one. I'm also sort of surprised that none of the other Onesies cottoned on to that thought either. I'd think Tiffani would have pointed it out.
Leaving Stephen to his misery, Colicchio stumps over to Dave, who is being predictably frenetic and talking fast. He promises Colicchio, "I'm trying to breathe. I'm working on breathing." Colicchio announces they have forty-five more minutes before the first course is served. "And no one is paying attention! That's great to see -- you're all working hard. Take care!" Colicchio leaves.
They have thirty-nine minutes left and Marcel has just told us, "I'm so weeded right now." There's a crash from the fridge. Ilan has dropped a hotel pan of something onto the rubber floor mats. He swears. Sam looks around at him, but Marcel hasn't reacted. Ilan tells Marcel that he just dropped his diced mango on the floor. He apologizes and says he'll wash them off. Hey, Ilan, this is television, you know? What you do in your restaurant is your business -- oh, right. You don't have your Own Restaurant. Harold does. The camera hones in on Ilan desperately trying to scrape bright yellow bits of mango out of the mat. Ilan asks if Marcel wants him to wash it or cut new mango for him. Cut new mango, dude. Just do it. Marcel tells us he spent fifteen minutes just getting the mango into the perfect dice and now it's all over the floor, "That was just ridiculous." Okay, but he offered to redice for you -- make him do it.
Time is ticking away. Tiffani tastes Dave's tapenade and suggests he add tomato so it's not so dense. Dave reaches for a can of tomatoes, but Tiffani stops him, "I would grab, like, a raw tomato." As Dave tells us that he's being brought right back to where he was with people telling him what to do in Season One, we get flashbacks of Tiffani telling Dave what to do. Actually, I thought Tiffani was pretty nice about her tomato suggestion. Dave, you had her taste your food -- I presume that's why she was there tasting it -- because you want feedback, right? I didn't think Tiffani was annoying about the way she suggested the fresh tomatoes. And that's a huge admission coming from me. We now have scenes of Stephen telling Dave what to do with his scallop dish. Dave totally laps up the suggestions but then tells us, "I don't need to be told what to do in the kitchen. I don't want to prove myself to these guys in the kitchen. I don't need to do that." I would think that being open to suggestions about your dish and not assuming everything you make is automatically perfect would show that you are, you know, open-minded. And mature. And not whiny. Although it's considerate that Dave saved his bitching for a time when it wouldn't interfere with his team's performance. Passive-aggressive, but considerate.
Oh, Colicchio -- don't act goofy or jiggy in the Bravo commercials. Don't try to have fun with it. It's just not you. Still can't see your shoes!
The cheftestants rush to plate the first course and the servers file in. Dave -- channeling Stephen in a much louder and caffeinated way -- lectures the servers on how to do their job. As circus-like oompah-oompah music plays, Dave stutters and taps his head with both hands and tells the servers to "think server, think smart." He tells them not to stick their fingers in the food. He tells them not to drop the food, adding, "I can make more but I don't want to make more, I'll get pissed off." He tells them -- oh, I think I have to actually quote him on this because I don't know a better way of describing it -- "So we'll get that out, once we've got all the food out, we'll be chatting, we'll be laughing, ha-ha-ha, then you will take out the beverages okay?" It's the "ha-ha-ha" I love. That and not taking a breath. Harold nicely says that Dave is "passionate." Dave gets irritated when someone spills stuff and then bitches, "Where did they get these servers from?"
Elia, with much less fanfare and much more breathing, gets her scallops out as well.
Gail, Padma, Ted Allen, and Colicchio sit at tables with the surprise judges, and Elia and Dave come out to present their dishes. Padma drops the bomb that the diners and sort-of judges, are the Season Three cheftestants. Elia tells us it's bizarre to get judged by cheftestants who haven't even gone through what they have already survived. I agree, but it should be taken for what it is: a way to launch the new season. And just think how the Onesies and Twosies can all sit back and laugh at their former critics as Season Three rolls out. Dave likewise bitches about the Threesies getting the chance to criticize their food.
Moving on to the actual food, Dave explains that he made cold-smoked scallops with a triple olive tapenade and a Meyer lemon vinaigrette. It's garnished with a light sprinkling of chopped chives. God, I could go for that right now. Where's the wine with Dave's dish? Did Stephen decide to pull all wines? Elia's duo of scallops is supposed to be one seared and one carpaccio (raw) with a citrus marmalade and endive salad, but I only see one scallop on the dish. Maybe there's a second dish somewhere. Or she stacked the seared on top of the carpaccio? I don't know, but what I do know is this dish looks very familiar. Sure that marmalade was ginger-grapefruit and the scallop was served ON the endive rather than to it, but still. Familiar. Okay, now they've served the plates, I see there are two plates for Elia's dish. Why didn't they show us the other one? One of the Threesies answers that question as he looks down at the carpaccio and says, "This, visually, isn't appealing at all." Mixed reactions from the crowd, of course, so we don't really know who got this one. One guy likes Dave's cold-smoked scallop because it's refreshing in the heat of the day. Others really like Elia's seared scallops, but no one likes the carpaccio.
Dave dashes to the back and breathlessly tells everyone who the judges are and that the Threesies are also tasting their food. Marcel tells us that Ilan didn't have time to redice the mangoes he dropped all over the floor because he was already in the weeds "trying to figure out a dish he didn't know how to cook." Marcel quickly dices his own mangoes and plates his lobster. It's hot in the kitchen, so as soon as Marcel adds his gelee, it melts all over the lobster. Holding a whipped cream dispenser, Marcel explains his duo of lobster. The lobster tail has been sliced into medallions and one medallion has melon and tomato and the other is cilantro and mango. The cilantro and mango medallion has a vanilla gelee on it, but, as Marcel acknowledges, "It might have melted a little bit." Ew, vanilla and lobster? I don't think I would like that. Especially as a gelee. A melted gelee. Marcel adds that he has an espuma that he's going to "bust out tableside." He starts with Hung, a Threesie he waved at earlier because they know each other from way back, and explains, "This is a lobster foam."
While Marcel busies himself espuma-ming everyone, Stephen commands their attention, saying his dish is "real simple, real sexy." His lobster tail dish is composed of lobster poached in a saffron beurre blanc with a cauliflower crème anglaise. First of all, the editorially-challenged Bravo graphics spelled it "buerre blanc" and they have the accent on "crème" going the wrong way. It's not "créme," people! Even my frigging spellcheck knows to autocorrect that as I type! In fact, I'm having a hard time forcing it to do it incorrectly. So, either they need to get an editor over there who knows about food or at least one who owns a copy of Food Lover's Companion and can open it up every once in awhile. Second of all, is this a lobster course or is this dessert? What is with the vanilla and the crème anglaise, which is a sweet dessert sauce? Maybe Stephen is using the term crème anglaise loosely, but it is supposed to be a cream, egg, and sugar sauce. I understand pairing richness with richness, but I guess I just don't like to confuse my lobster with ice cream. Personal taste. Stephen pours out glasses of Prosecco to have with his dish. Ted Allen shouts out that his table is foamless, and when Marcel struts over to remedy that, Ted Allen says, "So not only are you doing foam, and you're not apologizing for foam, but now you're doing tableside foam." Marcel thinks it's the way to go. Yep, the way to go home. Which rhymes with foam, so actually, Marcel? Can you get up a rap for me? Close your ears, Joe. ["And miss Ted Allen's oh-so-precise skewering of Marcel's one claim to fame? Never!" -- Joe R] Again, there's a mixture of opinion. Some loved Marcel's dish, but others thought his knife skills were shoddy and that there was an "undefineable amount of liquid" on the plate. Some really loved Stephen's dish, but others really didn't. Hung, once the camera is on him, makes sure to say, "But I'm going to see if this Prosecco helps." He picks up the double shot glass Stephen set down at his plate, takes a sip, looks straight at the camera, and shakes his head. Oh, he's going to be a fun one. Padma, not really paying attention to Hung except to hear "Prosecco," muses, "Oh, that's true…let's have…a drink." Okay, Potma. Although she does make sure to sweetly thank Stephen as soon as he sets her glass down. Hung keeps making "no" faces at the camera. Shut up, Hung.
As Harold and Ilan do their duck, Ilan tells us his dish isn't working out. It's the Curse of the Mango come to git cha! Harold tells us that his and Ilan's dishes are two totally different styles. In the kitchen, Stephen says to Harold, "Your dish is way better, right?" Harold, being Harold, shrugs noncommittally and says, "Ah, you know -- you never know. You can't tell." But Stephen can and does. He tells us, "The best chef of the two seasons is Harold. Harold demonstrated commitment to excellence, much more so than Ilan, the winner of season two and any other of the contestants there." Ilan tells Sam he's going to put egg yolks on top of the rice, so as the rice heats the yolk up, it will get saucy and rich. Yeah, because that's what you want to eat on a hot Miami day: rawish egg yolks. That's equally "raw" and "ish." Ilan tells us, "It's cool that I'm going up against Harold -- feel the wrath of Top Chef: Season Two." Ilan, feel the wrath of my ass. As Harold and Ilan come out, someone asks Ted Allen, "What's going on with that hairdo?" Ted Allen wonders, "What has Ilan done to his hair?" Ted, I wouldn't be so quick to judge; your hair has the oddly mundane look of a paunchy, middle-aged accountant who hangs his suits in the order of the days of the week he wears them. I think you need to get yourself over to Kyan. Harold greets everyone and says he's giving them a spicy duck polpette (meatballs) with minted gnocchi in a braised duck sauce. He's also giving them some Italian red wine. Okay, so he had wine and Stephen's dish had wine -- what about the scallops? Harold tells them to enjoy themselves and goes back to the kitchen, leaving Ilan with the Loser Music to explain his pan-roasted and almond-stuffed duck breast served with wild rice that has the raw egg yolk. There's also a few spears of grilled white asparagus with a gastrique (thick, reduced sauce of vinegar or wine, sugar, and fruit). A fairly attractive Threesie called C.J. says, "I love raw yolks on things, but to put it on here that's going to come out in the heat of the day…" Ted Allen has cracked his yolk and messed it around his plate and notes it's not appetizing looking. Joey, another Threesie, dismisses the whole plate by saying, "I would never serve well-done duck. Ever." Harold's meatballs are appreciated by comparison. A few Threesie's even note that the Twosies seem to be working as a team and putting their entire meal together really well.
In the kitchen, Sam and Tiffani Kobe beef it up. Tiffani is confident about her chances, because Tiffani wouldn't be Tiffani if she wasn't. Tiffani and Sam follow their beef dishes out. "He's kinda cute," notes a Threesie. "He's kinda cute?" Ted Allen goggles. Everyone laughs. But what they don't know is, Sam will eat them in the morning. Sam's dish is seared Kobe beef with a coriander and mushroom confit and onion relish. Right, Sam's all about the pickles and relishes. Tiffani decided to do a Kobe two ways. There's a piece of roasted Kobe on top of a creamy parmesan polenta that has a slash of parsley puree, and the roasted Kobe is topped with a thin slice of Kobe crudo (raw). The whole dish is finished with a lobster-veal jus. Tasters. People are meh about Sam's dish but really like Tiffani's. Other people don't really like the raw beef on top of the roasted. Joey already thinks that Season Three can kick both seasons' asses. Great. He's going to be another fun one. Luckily, Colicchio snaps them back by reminding them, "You know, obviously, you guys all make pretty good critics, but this is about the last time you get to be critical about someone else's food." You tell 'em, Colicchio! And show me your feet.
All eight cheftestants come out to applause. Marcel's got on some white plastic sunglasses that make him look like he belongs in an Orbitz gum commercial with the retro Dirty Mouth chick. Padma thanks them and excuses them. Dave and Tiffani tell the Threesies to enjoy themselves and wish them luck. Ilan tells us, "They should really not be too full of themselves right now because they'll all feel the heat." Guru Ilan speaks from experience. He's so full of himself, he doesn't have room for dessert. Stephen tells us he will be "HIGHLY surprised" if the Twosies beat the Onesies.
Those Bravo promos of Padma kicking water are really weird. She's all hunchy and awkward and she sort of looks like she's having a fit. I covet the polka dot dress, though.
Judges Table. Elia and Dave step forward to be judged, and Dave is so expressive about it, Tiffani barks out laughing. Dave smiles and rolls his eyes: "I don't miss this." Dave rambles to the judges about how he did his scallop dish. While they really liked the cool, smoked scallops, they thought the scallops had a grainy texture, and Gail didn't love the tapenade. Elia explains she was just going to do seared scallops, but Marcel suggested she also do carpaccio, and the citrus marmalade went with both. Colicchio really liked the dish and adds, "I wish you didn't listen to Marcel on just the one dish." Damn! Oh, and now that I'm looking closer at the scallop duo, I can see the nearly translucent carpaccio under the endive spears. It's dotted with something black -- poppy seeds? Pepper?
The lobster boys, Stephen and Marcel, step up . Gail notes that the team captains going head-to-head was something they were really excited about. Padma asks a leading question about the decision to serve gelee and foam in this heat after what he went through in Hawaii. Marcel starts to answer, but Padma gently interrupts to say she thought, flavor-wise, this was one of his better foams. Colicchio dings him on his knife work, which Marcel agrees was rough. "I had to recut the mango, in, like, two minutes," he adds. Ilan raises his hand and owns up to dropping the mango on the floor. "Did you really?" Colicchio says, amazed. Ilan promises it wasn't on purpose. And it wouldn't be, because there's no reason for Ilan to screw up his team's chances. Unless he's just that dickish.
Duck, duck, grey ducks step up. Colicchio can't believe they didn't have enough curiosity about each other's dishes to taste them. Harold says he was just going to be "super rustic" about his dish. Colicchio tells him it felt incomplete. The flavor was great, but it was incomplete. He doesn't elaborate, but it doesn't matter because Harold has his Own Restaurant. Ilan admits that his duck didn't turn out as planned. He ran out of time and couldn't do the deep-frying and then the skin wouldn't crisp. Worse than that, he ran out of saffron! Gail notes that the duck was overcooked and the fat on the skin wasn't completely rendered. We get a close-up of Ilan's dish, and it really doesn't look good. It's all dry and mealy-looking. Padma adds, "There was also a sherry gastrique? And a lot of us missed it." It was that tart stuff you thought would go so well on donuts, remember? Ted Allen said his table loved the gastrique and adds that he knows they're all peeved that the Threesies are already judging them. "But they'll get theirs," Ted promises. "They better!" Tiffani retorts. "Are we done here?" Harold sighs. "Yeah, we're done here," Colicchio says indulgently and leans back in his chair.
The beef is up and Ted's first question to Tiffani is, "Can I have the recipe?" "Yeah, I'll come to your house and make it," Tiffani offers. Ted loved the seasoning. Colicchio also thought it was great and is drooling over how good it is to see her food again. He wants her. Sam says he was trying to keep his dish rustic. Gail thought it was really interesting and adds, "Those flavors were so strong." There's no "but" there, so it's hard to tell if that's a positive or a negative. Sam and Tiffani admit to not paying attention to each other's dishes. Colicchio boggles at this. Stephen pipes up that he looked at all the dishes, as did Marcel. As to where the team captains thought they stood, Stephen says, "My analysis was, we were standing way beyond the other team at the end of the competition." Season Two snorts. "EVERY SINGLE COURSE?" Padma basically yells. Padma, this is Stephen, of course he thinks every single course was perfect. He was the team leader, there is no other way to look at it. Marcel says he's "going to have to go ahead and disagree." He thinks the Twosies were better. Ted thinks they should absolutely disagree.
Before she lets them go, Padma wants to know if they all learned something from their Top Chef experience. Marcel learned a whole lot. Colicchio asks if Marcel changed the way he now acts in the kitchen based on how he was perceived on the show. No. He's all Marcel, all the time. Tiffani feels that sentiment as well. She learned to loosen up. Okay, this is all touchy-feely and Mister Rogers-y and stuff, but can we move on? Padma finally excuses them. Colicchio expressively bites his flavah-savah as they leave. I really want to send him a razor.
And now for the Judges' Corned Beef Rehash. Back and forth, back and forth. Sounds like Elia may have beat Dave, Stephen beats Marcel, Harold edges Ilan (but only barely, as both dishes weren't really loved), and Tiffani probably beats out Sam, but it's not certain.
Ask.com? "Algorithm" is never going to be verbed. It's already too hard to say.
The final decree comes down, and Elia's scallops do "slightly" beat Dave's. With the lobsters, Colicchio says "slight edge" goes to Stephen. We're at 1-1. Without repeating that Harold's duck dish seemed incomplete, Colicchio says that "a lot went haywire" with Ilan's duck, so Harold wins. 2-1. Finally, to reaffirm what almost everyone feels on the forums, Tiffani beats out Sam, thus securing the Onesies as the superior cheftestants. In almost every way. Stephen tells us how proud he is to be proven right. Padma announces that the Onesies have won $20,000 for the Susan G. Komen Foundation. The two seasons shake hands. In closing Marcel advises Season Three to "use a lot of saffron, like astronomical amounts, and don't do duos." Okay, say goodnight, Marcel. Elia wants them to all be themselves, "The moment you stop being who you are then you're going to get eliminated." Unless you get eliminated for being yourself. Like Krazy Ken. Sam advises, "Don't read the blogs because you'll find shit on there that you don't want to know about yourself that you probably didn't even know about yourself." Oh, Sam, I didn't really think you were a serial killer -- just crabby. And scary. And a cannibal. And That Guy. Tiffani advises them to hold onto their roots. Ilan brings it all home, "Go in with an open mind, because that's how you'll win. That's how I won!" Yes, a mind open to Spain. Padma wants all their attention again so she can say dramatically and with lots of arm movements, "Pack your knives…and GO!" Okay, Padma, go eat some frozen Cheetos now. The judges clap and smile them out.
week: It's a whole new game and one of the cheftestants has the adult version of water wings strapped to her chest. You wanna learn if someone has fake boobs? Throw them in the water, there's no surer test.