Oy. Ouch. Ick. Ugh.
When I watched this episode, I was humbled. HUMBLED! Because my crystal ball has been sick and wrong two weeks in a row. SICK AND WRONG! Never in a million years did I think Ted Ilan of Saffronapolis would win this whole thing. Never. You want to know the greatest thing about being humbled? When someone comes along and screws up so bad that you no longer feel like the stupidest person in the living room. That moment came on Monday when Food & Wine posted an article on their website (for all of an hour) that revealed the winner. Um, oops?
Back to the show: I hate it! So, the episode begins with Marcel and Ted Ilan acting all shiny and happy with each other as they clamber over the rocky Waikoloa beach and snack on fresh uni (sea urchin). However, Marcel pulls a Glark and gets stung by the fresh uni. To assuage the pain in his finger, he reaches deep into his Friends trivia and realizes he's going have to pee on himself. You know what's screwed up? Ted Ilan is more than happy to volunteer his streaming services, he even says, "I would have loved to pee on Marcel." Water sports much? Luckily, Marcel turns Ted Ilan's sexual advances down and takes care of it himself in a fairly graphic (for a food show) scene. I'm beginning to think Bravo's been watching far too much Survivor. I just hope he remembered to wash his hands.
In the time-honored tradition of competitive reality shows everywhere, former cheftestants are brought back to be cherry-picked by Marcel and Ted Ilan. We got Elia, Son of Sam, Frankie the Bullshit, Mike, Betty in all her loud glory, and Mia. The ex-cheftestants are asked who they would prefer to work with and, well, there's very little to surprise here. Betty, Mike, and Elia all express a preference for Team Saffronella. Ted Ilan disses the panty-sniffer and goes with Betty and Elia. As Frankie the Bullshit announces that he like to help Marcel in order to teach him some humility, it's no surprise when he's left out in the cold. Mia also prefers to work with Marcel, but Marcel chooses Mike and Son of Sam.
While I still despise Ted Ilan for everything he did throughout the course of the entire season, I understand, BASED ON THIS EPISODE ALONE, why he is chosen as the winner. His performance in the final dinner -- the theme is the usual "Meal of Your Life" -- is head and shoulders above Marcel's, who seems to have no end of problems getting his food out. The humidity foils one of his more impressive molecular gastronomy attempts, which, duh, it's Hawaii, dude! The fish for his fish course goes missing, and his dish goes out sans poisson. Hmm, I wonder how long before the shout of "SABOTEUR!" rings through the Wide, Wide World of Web.
Also -- and this might just be me -- but Marcel's uni consommé sort of grosses me out. I mean, he says it's inspired by his walk on the beach with Ted Ilan and, well, not to put too fine a point on it, but consommé is of a color that sort of, well -- pee, okay? It looks like pee.
Anyway, both Marcel and Ted Ilan have dishes that don't wow the judges, and all the judges agree that both are very worthy chefs; however, Ted Ilan puts out a more solid service. At the Judges' Table, Elia once again embarrasses herself as she tries to sell Marcel down the river. When she blithers on about how she knows Ted Ilan's food tasted better, the judges force her to admit that she never even tasted Marcel's food. I'd feel sorry for her if I weren't busy cackling maniacally at her complete discomfiture.
My instinct was to say the finale was a letdown, but really? The last three eps have been such a letdown that this season-two finale was really just a leveling-off of mediocrity.
Yeah, so Ted Ilan won. Color me indifferent. Bottom line: From what we were shown, Ted Ilan put out a much stronger service than Marcel did. If we were to base the whole competition on this meal alone -- and I believe that's how Top Chef has been playing it, given their cooked-up basis for sending Sam home -- then yes, he is the clear winner.
Looking at the meal dish by dish, we know that the judges were fairly unimpressed by Ted Ilan's first course of stuff on toast; however, they loved Marcel's uni. Then they were unimpressed by Marcel's green salad but loved Ted Ilan's moi. So at this point they're even. The judges really liked Ted Ilan's squab and shrimp, but they also really liked Marcel's fishless fish dish. We could call it even, unless we have to give weight to how the judges felt about Marcel explaining that he lost his fish. You'll have to see the "damned if you do" part of the recap for how I feel about that. Moving on: the judges really seemed to prefer Marcel's beef dish over Ted Ilan's beef dish. Finally, the judges really liked Ted Ilan's dessert, but the only negative comment they had for Marcel's was when Roy Yamaguchi said it didn't have enough color.
There it is in black and white. Maybe with all those finer shades taken into consideration, Ted Ilan deserved to win. Maybe considering what Marcel's sous chefs said about him, Ted Ilan was the better chef that night. Maybe it doesn't matter that Elia cooked Ted Ilan's fish, squab, and beef, because that just shows Ted Ilan knowing how to delegate and use his team to the best of their individual abilities.
We open with many reminders that we are still at the Hilton Waikoloa Village. Taking advantage of some much-needed downtime, Marcel and Ted Ilan go for a walk on the beach. Wait, are we suddenly in Ted Ilan's fantasy? Ted Ilan tells us, "I just wish I was there was a beautiful woman." If you really do have a girlfriend, wouldn't it behoove your nads to say, "I just wish I was there with Carolina"? Otherwise, I think she's going to be pissed that you said on television that you were wishing you were on a beach with some random beautiful woman. By the way, this is all to convince us that Ted Ilan is straighter than a pee stream. Oops -- SPOILER! Ted Ilan and Marcel grab some spiny uni (sea urchin) out of the shallows, crack them open, and proceed to sup on the poor little suckers. Marcel tells us that they "just were able to put all the Grudge Match stuff aside" for that moment as they sucked down unsuspecting sea critters. Is that legal? I mean, if they found spiny Kona lobster off Waikoloa, would they be able to eat it? I think fishermen actually own land and traps and rocks and sand. I don't know. Nor do I really care, actually. Marcel goes on about not being able to be in a bad mood when surrounded by "such natural beauty."
Marcel then walks out on some rocks, and Jaws-like music starts up. I'm totally expecting some tiny shark to flip up and bite his ass, but instead, when Marcel reaches into the water and yelps, it's because he stabbed himself on another sea urchin. Revenge for breakfasting on his brother, I think. Marcel hopes his finger doesn't fall off. Ted Ilan smiles at the camera, clearly panting to show us that he does in fact hope Marcel's finger falls off. So much for putting the Grudge Match aside. "He stabbed himself with the spines, and to lessen the infection, he was advised to pee on his hand," Ted Ilan tells us. I consulted a doctor on this theory -- big cocktailian shout-out to Dr. SistaKaren -- so I am well within my rights to scream, shout, and sing BULLSHIT!
...The urine thing isn't completely baseless. But it works more for jellyfish stings to remove the actual stinger, which is quite different from the sea urchin stinger. Urine needs to be very acidic in order to work...which it shouldn't be normally. So that's why it's not smart to do it. Here's an interesting article about it. Also: the vinegar isn't used at all for nullifying the toxin itself -- which is a complicated batch of neurotransmitter (way more complicated than the sea urchins, but in most cases, a lot less potent. Jellyfish usually cause superficial skin problems...).Bottom line: not completely insane for jellyfish, but not effective for sea urchins.
So, I'm not sure who exactly "advised" him to do it, but Ted Ilan begs Marcel, "Marcel, would you mind if I peed on your hand." Yep -- we are firmly in Ted Ilan's fantasy world. Marcel says he would mind, actually. We get a shot of Marcel's feet and DRIPPING! There is PEEING going on right now ON MY TELEVISION. So much ick. So much gross. So much for class, Bravo. "Pretty gnarly," Marcel admits, pulling up his pants, "but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do to survive." Because there was no other alternative treatment for him. Because they aren't staying at some resort where doctors or medi-kits can be found. Go ahead, stick your finger... down there and pee. We'll wait. And watch, apparently. Ted Ilan giggles to us, "In the end, I didn't pee on Marcel but I would have loved to pee on Marcel." I think I've just realized why Ted Ilan likes to use so much saffron -- it reminds him of his favorite sports. But you know, there's something so... poetic about Marcel peeing on this show. He's literally peeing all over it. It's sort of the perfect tribute.
In their Top Chef whites, Marcel and Ted Ilan stand in front of Colicchio, who tells them, "Just cook us the best meal you've ever prepared in your entire life." "Just"? They will have eight diners to serve -- all important chefs -- and need to prepare five courses. They draw knives to decide where they'll be cooking in Waikoloa Village. Ted Ilan pulls a knife that determines he'll be cooking at Donatoni's, and Marcel will be cooking at this adorable Japanese tea house called Imari.
Of course, Colicchio reminds them that they are going to need some help in the kitchen, and Mike, Mia, Sam, Elia, Frank, and Betty are paraded out to have their teeth checked and their fetlocks examined. First, the ex-cheftestants are asked to announce their preferred allegiance. Before Colicchio even finishes saying this, Betty starts cackling nastily and even holds a hand up over her mouth, as if that were any way to muffle the noise pollution issuing from her withered lips. In other words, SHUT UP BETTY! Mike: "I wanna work for Eeee-lan, 'cuz we work great together, man, we've always been a great team!" Mia: "I'm gonna mix it up, I wanna work with Marcel. I'm the best prep cook you'll ever find, man, I throw it down!" Choose her, Marcel. Choose Mia. Betty: "Well, I think there's no secret that Marcel and I have had problems from the start. I adore Ilan and I would be thrilled to be on his team." Frank: "Marcel is very talented, I think I would actually like to work with Marcel because I think I need to keep his ego in check and learn him how to talk to people not talk at people." Yeah, you'll "learn" him real good. Hack. Elia: "I don't know. I think I'll work for Ilan. I believe in him." Hmm, somehow "bitch" is an understatement here. Sam: "I don't know -- make it fun I guess, work for Marcel." Betty cranes out of line to make faces at Sam. Go play with a sea urchin, Betty, and maybe your adored Ted Ilan will offer to pee on you. Sam goes on: "I got this far, I can help him." Sam tells us, "On a personal level, we had our arguments before, but I picked Marcel because, for me, it was going to be sort of cool, actually, to see some of the chemical cookery that he's into and I knew Ilan was going to go Spanish, I mean, Ilan always does the same thing. For me, I thought maybe I'd also learn something." Dude, "Ilan always does the same thing"? That's pretty damning! Not that it's going to matter. Marcel chooses Sam. Ted Ilan chooses Elia. Then, while Marcel is deliberating over his second choice, Sam advises, "Pick Mike!" Betty lets out a mocking noise that was halfway between an "eww" and an "ohhh" as she leans over to grin maniacally at Mike. Marcel says, "Mike, man -- bring some camaraderie to the kitchen." "It's on, baby!" Mike announces, then adds more quietly, "It's gonna be fun." Mia is disappointed. Ted Ilan goes for Betty, whose mouth smiles wider than my television screen. Frank and Mia are excused because "[their] services won't be necessary." I'm really sorry to see Mia go. I wanted her to tell us what else she doesn't "give" about.Padmadala explains they will shop at the farmers' market to select their goods. They will then have four hours of prep time in the main kitchen today, and an hour of cooking the day before they serve up their five-course meal. The teams go off to a "farmers' market" that just does not exist on the Big Island. There aren't even any other people shopping there! God, how much fakery can we take this year? Uch. So, the camera pans over Kiawe honey, rambutan fruit, lettuces, avocados, chocolate from The Original Hawaiian Chocolate Factory, Hamakua Springs Country Farms, Maui Gold pineapples, mushrooms, et cetera. Marcel goes gooey over some fresh Kona Kampachi, which he shouldn't get too attached to really. Marcel tells us that he didn't have a preconceived idea of what his dishes would be, but as he was walking around the stalls, his meal started to come together. Thinking of his pee-soaked walk on the beach with Ted Ilan, Marcel also picks up some sea urchin.
Ted Ilan sits with his team and talks about the Spanish angulas he brought from home. Betty wonders if he's going completely Spanish or if he plans on incorporating Hawaii into his food. Ted Ilan thinks it's enough that the ingredients are Hawaiian. He lights on some Kona coffee at the faux-mers' market, and gets obsessed with using it and bay leaves for his dessert. We get tight shots of Ted Ilan hugging and kissing his womanly team.
On an unrealistic grassy knoll, Marcel discusses his courses with his team. Mike sits there and grunts every once in awhile. Sam is hardly any more engaged. Mike tells us that he feels they are a team, so if Marcel wins, he will feel like a big part of that win. I have a hard time believing him. Marcel is really excited about his team and their group dynamics.
In the main kitchen, the four hours of prep begins. Mike tells us, "Marcel's been a great leader, you know? He's been, like, really positive. He's, like, worked in the kitchen [something completely and panty-sniffingly unintelligible] for a long time." Sam also sings Marcel's praises AT THIS POINT. With one hour of prep time left, Marcel fiddles around with these cool sugar droplets he calls "isomalt teardrops." "It's a vinaigrette that's encapsulated by a super-thin sugar," Marcel explains. Sugar games? In Hawaii? Can you say "hygroscopic"? However, it sort of speaks to the Trekkie dork in me to hear Marcel call Mike over in a totally geeked-out voice to bear witness his plaything: "Mikey, check this shit out, dude!" Mike sort of sniffs around the teardrop and grunts, "The mad scientisssss!" I think he lost interest before he got the "t." Marcel tells us that he's going to serve the teardrop with a salad, and that he's only been working on it for two weeks. He admits [CUE LOSER MUSIC] that it might not be the best time to hone the details of a brand new technique, but conceptually, he thinks it's a really good idea. Okay, but it's practically stupid, Marcel.
Colicchio arrives for his Sniff 'n' Sneer and examines the teardrops, asking what they are. "These are a little isomalt encapsulations for --" Marcel begins. "Yeah, yeah, yeah," Colicchio interrupts knowingly. If you were just going to "yeah, yeah, yeah" him, why'd you ask, Coldickio? Colicchio then asks if Marcel will have any problems with humidity. "I'm going to go with 'no' for right now," Marcel responds. But what are you going to go with for tomorrow, Marcel? Marcel goes on, "For the sake of, you know, my own --" "Positive thinking?" Colicchio supplies. Marcel then explains all his other courses. Colicchio asks how his sous chefs are performing. "So far, so good," Marcel responds.
Moving on to Ted Ilan, Colicchio gets a bit of his Sniff 'n' Sneer thwarted when he's told that Ted Ilan's first course is going to be a surprise. He then moves on to discussing Ted Ilan's other dishes before leaving.
Food flurry. Marcel tells us that he feels really good about all the prep up to this point: "It's just merely a matter of getting the two speed racks squared away." We see Marcel looking at a list, Sam loading a speed rack, and Mike walking in and out of a walk-in. It tickles me to think that that's all he did all day. Sort of like Grover and the irritable customer. The speed racks for both teams are packed and wrapped in plastic.
The day, Ted Ilan takes off for his service. He talks himself up to us and tells us he's ready to "beat the shit out of Marcel." Oh, so you're going to do it yourself this time? Ted Ilan, you're growing as a person. Cliff will be happy to hear that. Ted Ilan and his two douchefs (this time it's sort of got a ring of Summer's Eve truth to it, especially with Elia's tuna juice problem) are all over each other. Again. For the sake of the food, I really hope they wash up after all this ménage a slobbering. Team Ilan gets into the kitchen and starts a food flurry. I was tickled by this exchange; Ted Ilan says, "First the leeks, we need to uh --" "Cook them," Elia supplies. Good thing he's got her on his team! Ted Ilan also tells Elia to cook the fish while he does sauce and shrimp. He admits to us that "technically she's a better chef than [he is]." Elia tells us that the douchef is the "real chef of the kitchen." Then why isn't the show called "Top Sous Chef"? Oh right, because Colicchio says so. Betty asks Ted Ilan a question and mistakenly calls him "Marcel." I guess she's just so used to talking shit about Marcel, she isn't used to saying anyone else's name. "What did you just call me?" Ted Ilan demands. Betty goggles and giggles over her mistake and says, "Oh, my god, I should be shot." SO! MUCH! VISUAL! JOY! CAN'T! SNARK! CLEARLY! Colicchio arrives for another Sniff 'n' Sneer and can see that Ted Ilan has things well in hand, even if Ted Ilan still won't tell him about the first course. However, Colicchio's prying eyes can see the eels, and he says, "So I guess that's the surprise." Colicchio, you crafty devil -- can't pull anything over on you! Not even a turtleneck. Colicchio tells the cameras that Ted Ilan is going for Spanish again, and hopes it will be enough to wow the judges. Speaking of which...
... the guest judges arrive in a little lagoon boat. Seriously? Where did they come from -- the ocean? Actually, I've decided that their boat is like the ones from Disneyland's Pirates of the Caribbean ride. It's on, like, chains or rails or something. And cue the Wilhelm dolphin again. Anyway, tonight we get to watch Hubert Keller (cute little happy man from last year. Oh, and he's also is a mega-chef), Wylie Dufresne (molecular gastronomist, owns WD-50 in NY, which I like to call WD-40), Roy Yamaguchi (Roy's Hawaiian Fusion restaurants), Michelle Bernstein (Sandra Bernhard), and Scott Conant (chef/owner of L'Impero and Alto). Dude, why does Roy Yamaguchi look so angry? It makes me miss Alan Wong. I wonder if Roy's pissed that he didn't get his own episode. A VO tells us, "This is a great opportunity for young chefs like Ilan and Marcel to showcase their talents in front of a lot of industry heavyweights." I wouldn't use the term "heavyweights" when talking about food people. Ted Ilan goes out to meet his judges. He asks Betty how he looks. "Gorgeous -- like a winner!" she crows. Padmadala introduces all the judges to Ted Ilan. Ted Ilan delivers a quick introduction to his meal and gets back to plating.
The first course comes out. It's a "pincho" (like Balki?) of Pan Con Tomate with angulas (eels), Osetra caviar (fish eggs), and tomatillos (green tomato-y things). I'm sorry, but the baby eels look like pinworms. Oh, and the tomatillos are actually NOT tomatillos, Bravo, but are, according to Ted Ilan, Green Zebra tomatoes. Tomatillos and Green Zebras? NOT THE SAME THING, YOU IDIOTS! At the table, Ted Ilan describes the dish and explains that along with the pinworms and Osetra caviar, the toast bears some "Green Zebra tomato caviar, which a lot of chefs in Spain are calling this section of the tomato." "This section of the tomato" looks a whole lot like the seed sacs to me. The judges eat. Hubert Keller doesn't think the baby eels were worth the trouble. Scott Conant didn't love them either. Wylie Dufresne thinks the bread was soggy. Can someone explain what is up with Ted Ilan's interview outfit with the fat chain and the wide red suspenders? It's like he's gangsta Urkel.
On to the second course! Also known as, what will Bravo fuck up ? Ted Ilan gets fish advice from Elia in the kitchen. Actually, it appears that Elia cooks the fish herself. Elia tells us, "I am fighting for someone else. To weeeen the title. It's very hard but I know I am not going to screw up Ilan." Always disappointing me, Elia. Always. Ted Ilan explains the second course: Pan-Roasted Moi with Macadamia Nut Gazpacho. Ted Ilan explains that the moi is dressed with Spanish olive oil. However, I did see someone zesting Buddha's Hand in the kitchen -- that weird yellow fingery-looking object -- and I think that might be sitting on top of the fish as well. All the judges really like the dish. Conant even says, "That's what I look for in a young chef; he really gets it."
In the kitchen, Elia cooks meat for Ted Ilan. What is he doing? He doesn't cook the fish or the squab, which we later learn is so difficult to get right, so why is he -- oh, forget it. I really don't care anymore. "I need you guys and I love you!" Ted Ilan tells them. During the plating, Betty manhandles the shrimp. "When I started to put the shrimp on," Betty singsongs to us, "the heads started to detach from their bodies. And I'm like omigod! Because I didn't want to ruin it for him." I wish her head would detach from her body. Ted Ilan orders Betty to slow down. The food goes out. The third course is Seared Squab with Seared Foie Gras (going for the pleasure-center jugular, I see), Poached Shrimp, Braised Leeks, and Lobster Sauce. Hubert Keller is impressed by the medium-rareness perfection of the squab. Roy says surf and turf is his game and he loves it. Colicchio gives high praise to the sauce.
Kitchen. Elia cooks the beef. I'm sensing a theme here. Sorry, I said I didn't care anymore and I don't. Really. Truly. No caring going on here. Ted Ilan presents the Braised and Grilled Beef Short Ribs with Romesco Sauce and Mushrooms. Gail thinks the short ribs could have been braised a bit longer, but she still thinks the dish is tasty. Michelle Bernstein whines (I'm sorry, I'm sure that's just her voice, but it's very whiny), "I think I'm just looking for a little more. A little more flavor, a little more juiciness. You know? I want to sop it up with something." Roy -- I'm not trying to be over-familiar, but it's hard to use his last name when his restaurants are just ROY'S, you know? -- really liked the romesco sauce. "It goes back to his Spanish background," Padmadala says laboriously. Yes, dear, I think they all know that. Go smoke another joint. Gail is interested in the dessert because she doesn't think he has much pastry experience. "I know what he's doing and it's very smart," Colicchio brags.
Kitchen. Ted Ilan tells Elia it's "sorbet time." The desserts go out, and Betty licks a spoon, saying, "I think we have a winner in Ilan Hall." Shut up, Betty. Ted Ilan tells the judges he's not a pastry chef, so he kept it simple with balls of dragon fruit (that's the white-ish fruit with the black seeds that look like sesame seeds), avocado, papaya, and mango with a sorbet of Surinam cherry. There's also his Bay Leaf Fritter. He dipped the fresh bay leaves in a batter and deep-fried them. He tells them to leave the bay leaf and just pull off the batter around it. That sounds very interesting, I must admit. The "soup" surrounding all the fruit is made out of tangelos and vanilla bean. The judges are impressed, and Dufresne particularly likes the bay leaf fritter idea.
In the kitchen, Ted Ilan and his douchefs maul one another in celebration. Ted Ilan steps out to receive applause from the judges. Colicchio tells him he exceeded expectations, and Roy adds, "I think the menu was very, very bold; it shows who you are and I really salute you because at twenty-four, I think you're showing a lot of talent, so congratulations." Ted Ilan is pretty overcome by this accolade and gets all red in the face and choked up. It almost makes me like him. Almost, camera-boy. In the kitchen, Ted Ilan tells the cameras, "I think Marcel has no chance. He doesn't have the passion and the love that I do for food and for preparing food." Yep, don't like you. Ted Ilan and his douchefs slobber and toast him.
Marcel and his team grab the speed racks and head out. Marcel goes into a walk-in and grabs more stuff. He tells us that when he was taking one last look at his shelves, he saw stuff that should have been packed up the day. He mentions this to Sam, who doesn't really react. Or care. Hard to say which emotion is not playing across his face. Sam says to us, "In my opinion, a line cook is only as good as his chef. There was no leadership, there was no organization." At Imari, Team Marcel cooks. The judges arrive, and Marcel meets them. Of course, he's both thrilled and terrified to see Wylie Dufresne in attendance. Dufresne reminds me of Mr. Kidd from Diamonds Are Forever, and it's going to give me nightmares for the rest of the month.
Marcel tells the judges that his first course is inspired by a walk on the beach he took the other day. In the kitchen, Marcel asks where his orchids are. Sam says he didn't pull them. Mike hasn't seen them either, and doesn't seem to care. Sam tells Marcel he doesn't need them. Marcel examines a container and says, "I get the feeling this isn't one and three-quarters quarts of milk." "I thought you said cups, dude," Mike oopses. Colicchio comes in and can see that things are hectic, so he withdraws. At the table, Colicchio feels the need to tell the judges that the kitchen is tense. "We haven't felt any pressure yet here," Hubert Keller jokes. I love it when that man laughs -- he laughs with his whole face. Even his hair seems to chuckle. The first course comes out. It's a Sea Urchin and Vanilla-Meyer Lemon Gelée with Fennel Cream, Caviar, and Kalamata Olive Oil. Earlier in the episode, Marcel also said this dish had a consommé, which, considering that this dish was inspired by his walk on the beach, I found to be a little gross. I mean, consommé isn't colorless, it's sort of amber and -- PEE! It looks like pee! Marcel took a walk on the beach, he ate and then got stung by sea urchins, he peed on himself, and now he's serving that for dinner, okay? Luckily, the judges weren't put through the same trauma the viewing public was; they end up loving the dish.
In the kitchen, more trouble. Marcel is plating his salad, and his isolinear teardrop thingies aren't working. They've gone completely hygroscopic and limp. It's a mess. All Marcel can present is a sad cucumber, Bibb lettuce, and radish salad with a yuzu and lime vinaigrette. The judges are perplexed. "I have to tell you this is delicious for someone in culinary school," Michelle Bernstein whines. Conant doesn't see what the point is in such a course. Colicchio reveals that Marcel was working on the isotope teardrop thingies, but "they're not here." Really? They're not?
In the kitchen, even more trouble. The fish course is up , but there is no fish. Literally: no fish. Mike tells us, "He's looking at us -- 'Where's the FISH?!' Man, I'm not playing for a hunnerd grand, you are. You tell me where the fish is!" We get a shot of some hotel pans in the walk-in of the Hilton's main kitchen. Sam riffs the dish and tells Marcel how he can put out the dish without the fish. Shades of Crying Dave. Sam tells us that being in the kitchen with Marcel was "an absolute disaster," but he did the best he could to make sure Marcel would win. The fish dish ends up going out fishless. Marcel introduces the hearts of palm, maitake mushrooms, and sea beans with kaffir lime sauce, and explains that it's a substitution because he doesn't have his Kona-Kampachi. After he leaves, Conant says, "I gotta tell you, I wouldn't have said anything about this course because it's perfectly fine as it is." Damned if you do, damned if you don't. If Marcel hadn't explained, Colicchio would have tattled on him because he's already been briefed on all the dishes. All the judges agree that it's a good dish, and Roy jokes that Marcel should have told them he forgot the fish for the radish salad. "It's dancing on my tongue," Michelle Bernstein says, which makes me groan. Dufresne repeats that the salad doesn't need any kampachi at all.
Kitchen. Marcel says his team "seemed to fall apart a little bit" as we get a placed shot of the Krapmore Pro insignia. It sort of makes them look like they're to blame for all of this. The beef course comes out. It's North Shore Strip Loin with Spring Garlic Purée, Crispy Taro Ball, and Micro-Greens. Isn't that the same garlic purée we've seen two other times in this show? The judges really like the dish, except for Colicchio, who thinks it's only "okay" but with further development could be amazing. Gail thinks Marcel's dishes have been lighter than Ted Ilan's, "just a gentler profession."
Dessert. Marcel does a sweet riff on blinis and caviar by serving blinis with Kona coffee "caviar" and Hawaiian chocolate mousse. Dufresne loves it. Someone else says, "It's fun!" Roy dings it for being colorless. Conant says that Marcel has amazing potential and that he's someone to watch. Colicchio nods silently.
Marcel tells us that things could have gone better -- the missing ingredients, his unmotivated team -- but he is still pleased with what he did. He doesn't think Ted Ilan could have been anywhere near as creative or original as he was. Well, he wasn't stupid enough to try sugar tricks in tropical humidity, I can tell you that. The judges applaud Marcel, give him props, and Padmadala excuses him for the nonce.
Judges' Table. Discussion. Colicchio makes a distinction between Ted Ilan and Marcel by saying that he thinks Ted Ilan was making dishes he had made before and was comfortable and confident in them. Marcel, he feels, was making these dishes for the first time. Gail agrees that Marcel took greater risks and was more cutting-edge. She again points out how Marcel's meal was much lighter. At Padmadala's drawly proposal, the judges go over both meals, course by course. Hubert Keller thinks Marcel set the tone of his meal with his first dish, and he thought Ted Ilan's pinworms on toast was only "okay." Colicchio agrees, noting that pinworms on toast didn't take much effort. Turning to the second course, they clearly loved Ted Ilan's moi -- which I keep hearing as "mohel" -- and thought Marcel's salad was pathetic. Even if the isomorphic droplet had been included, they all agree that it still wasn't impressive enough to be included in such a meal. Third course: they can't decide which was better; they really loved both. Fourth course: Hubert announces that they were both good (he's such a nice man, I just love him!) but he could "read more artistry" in Marcel's dish. Colicchio decides Ted Ilan's short ribs with romesco was out of place and belongs in a casual restaurant, but he thought Marcel's beef worked perfectly with his entire meal. Finally, they discuss desserts; they all love Ted Ilan's fancy fruit cup. Gail thought Marcel's dessert was "fun," "whimsical," and "had a sense of humor." Hubert Keller agrees that it was a unique dish.
They continue their intelligence-gathering by bringing out the ex-cheftestants and Ted Ilan's douchefs. Betty slobberingly announces how wonderful it was to work with Ted Ilan. Colicchio asks Elia if she liked the food. "Yeah, it was Spanish -- authentic food. Good," Elia says, almost seeming to damn Ted Ilan with faint praise. Padmadala asks if it's bad for Ted Ilan to rely too much on Spanish food. "Well, this is what he knows," Elia says, again seeming to be doing something other than loudly singing Ted Ilan's praises. I can't figure it out. "He played it wise," Elia concludes. She's basically saying that Ted Ilan played it safe and although that helped Harold win last year, it's not necessarily what the judges want. Colicchio asks if Ted Ilan deserves to win. Elia seems to answer a different question: "I think he deserves to win over Marcel, totally." I think she's still incredibly bitter -- granted, it's probably only been a few days since she was drummed out on her ass -- that she's not there competing for the win herself. I think she knows she's better than Ted Ilan and would never admit to thinking Ted Ilan should actually be Top Chef above all others, herself especially. Colicchio dings her: "But you didn't see Marcel's food, did you?" "No," Elia says weakly, "But --" and in her awkward pause, Betty cackles. Colicchio cocks his head. "Marcel can't run a keetchen, Marcel can't make people work for him. Hands down? Ilan has to win if you just taste his food." "But you didn't taste Marcel's food tonight," Gail reminds her. Elia is just embarrassing herself again and again. I love it. Betty yappily tries to interject something critical about Marcel. But Elia has already asked, "But was the fooood gooooood?" "Yes, some of it was amazing," Gail tells her happily and firmly. Good for you, Gail. You've got her number. Elia shuts up.
When the judges turn to Marcel's assistants, Mike says that Marcel was great through the four hours of prep, but then it all fell apart the day. He says Marcel had them doing "all this other stuff" and that they were cooking blind. Padmadala leads the witness: "You think it would have made it better if you had known the master plan?" Mike agrees wholeheartedly. Betty looks down with smug happiness. I want to yank those pigtails clear off her skull. Hubert asks Sam how involved he was in the cooking. That's a rather precise question to ask someone we know to have basically given Marcel one of his courses. Sam tells them about Marcel forgetting the fish and how he, Sam, came up with the resulting dish they all loved. "So, sea beans was your idea?" Hubert clarifies. It was. Having done their damage, the ex-cheftestants are excused.
Marcel and Ted Ilan are brought out for questioning. Padmadala is again having trouble controlling her emotions. She's already choking up (or toking up) at the prospect of telling one of them he lost. She wants each cheftestant to describe his menu. Ted Ilan -- taking care to dispel the idea that all he's been doing is the same old Spanish stuff that's on the Casa Mononucleosis menu -- says he created his whole menu "on the fly." He admits that he brought a few things from home, but claims that he was really inspired by the things he saw at the fauxmers' market. Gail is skeptical, and says they had the feeling he came with a set idea of the courses he wanted to make. Ted Ilan denies this, even though Gail tells him it would be okay if he'd had a game plan. Ted Ilan continues to insist that the fauxmers' market drove his meal. Colicchio asks if he should be made Top Chef when he's so clearly focused on only one cuisine. Ted Ilan desperately says that he thinks he's stepped outside of the Spanish mold and has showcased his skills. Ted Ilan starts to get red in the face and choked up as he tells Colicchio that this was the best meal he ever cooked. He goes on a bit longer about how great he is and says that at the end of the meal he was filled with "joy and happiness." Okay, Counselor Troi. Colicchio asks him to define the major difference between him and Marcel. Ted Ilan's gotta be jumping for joy inside. He turns to Marcel and says, "Don't take any offense, I mean you will but --" Oh, now he's saying "no offense" to Marcel? Ted Ilan says, "I have a greater passion and I'm a bit more forgiving --" Yeah, it's really too bad Marcel couldn't bygones that whole head-shaving attack. Oh, wait, he did! Fucknad. "And I think I'm more gentle with the people that I work with and am around. I think I respect people," Ted Ilan concludes. You respect them so much, you participate in harassment of them. Ted Ilan feels he deserve to win, absolutely.
Turning to Marcel, the judges want to know the same things from him. Regarding his dishes, Marcel wants the judges to understand that while he might have used the same techniques before, he served them totally new dishes. Dishes he had never made before. "The majority of that menu was of my own inspiration," Marcel tells them. Colicchio wants to know what of it wasn't his own inspiration. Marcel references the fishless fish dish and says, "Sam and I decided to take the hearts of palm and use that as the center of the dish, so, yeah, Sam definitely helped me out on that one." Oh dear, "helped"? In the kitchen it wasn't as clear-cut as when Dave gave his dessert to Tiffani, but Sam still told the judges he basically created that dish. Padmadala asks where his kampachi was. Marcel says he put too much faith and trust in his co-workers, and he was let down. Hubert asks, "Was it a matter of your assistants not being one hundred percent behind you?" "You know, it might have been hard for Sam to be there a little bit, and I noticed somewhat of a lack of motivation, but at the same time, I mean, it's probably gotta be really hard for him to come in and go to bat for me when we've obviously had, like, you know, some confrontations in the past, and, you know, I think that he would like to be here tonight instead of me," Marcel says. So, that would be a "yes" to Hubert's question? Padmadala wants to know why so many of his colleagues have "locked horns" with him. Marcel says that he's actually a very nice guy and he's very likeable. He thinks it's the fact that it's a competition and he decided he wasn't there to make friends; he was there to win. Oh, the final fatal Faison words. Gail asks if what he served was the best meal he's ever cooked in his life. Marcel sidesteps the question by saying it doesn't matter if it was or wasn't because he's always trying to do better. "Because the moment that you think you've reached perfection is the moment you that you stop aspiring for it and that's the moment that you stop excelling and learning and progressing," Marcel goes on. Colicchio tells them they are both worthy of the title. Padmadala excuses them.Deliberation. Gail says, "In five years there's no doubt in my mind they will both be very successful. The decision now is, who is most ready at this point." Colicchio adds, "We may have one now that's a little further ahead and then we may have one that just needs a little more time in the bottle." I think it's Elia who needs a little more time in the bottle.
Elsewhere. Marcel and Ted Ilan sit, not talking.
In front of the judges, Marcel and Ted Ilan stand. We get VO monologues from both of them about how they are feeling. Padmadala tokingly reminds them of the litany of product placement that is at stake for them. Colicchio compliments both cheftestants. Padmadala bogarts the decision a bit before finally saying, "Ilan." Dramatic pause. Dramatic pause. Dramatic pause. "Congratulations, you are Top Chef." Marcel goes to shake his hand, but Ted Ilan forces him into a one-arm man-hug. Ted Ilan breathes relief and hugs Gail and Padmadala really tight. He chides Padmadala for making them wait so long for their decision. Then he paces around excitedly. Hubert Keller is doing that smiling-with-his-hair thing. Marcel stands silently. At least they did away with telling the loser to pack his knives and go.
Marcel tells us he was totally surprised when she named Ted Ilan the winner: "I thought it would take more than fucking saffron and paprika to beat me but apparently not. It's just extremely disappointing." Colicchio slings one arm around Marcel's shoulder, pats him on the back, tells him he did a great job, and lets go. Hubert Keller hugs Ted Ilan. He's French, so there's none of this namby-pamby one-arm man-hugging for him. He hugs in full. So does his hair. I gotta tell you, I'm a little obsessed. Marcel goes on to tell us that the food he's trying to create is "obviously" a little more complex and requires a little more skill. He tells us it was too bad he wasn't able to execute it on a level that would put him over the top. Gail hugs Marcel. God, how long are they going to make him stand there? Marcel tells us this isn't the end of his career, and he obviously doesn't care what the other cheftestants think of him because he likes himself and he likes his food and he likes his personality. Speaking of those other cheftestants, they now come out to party and rally around Ted Ilan. Ted Ilan tells us he's excited for the future: "I can only become more mature [well, you've got nowhere else to go but up] and use everything that I've learned to my advantage to just become a great chef." Elia and Betty stick to Ted Ilan like eels. Oh, sorry, like pinworms.
Yes, I saw Ted Ilan profanely trashing Harold during the premiere of Top Design. Well, that Ted Ilan, he's a class act from beginning to end. All he did was perform according to my exact expectations.
week: There is no friggin' week! We are done! I've never been so happy to see the back end of a food show. Wow. They better give us a good long break before they feed us Season Three.