By Keckler
Yo. When I'm wrong, I am wroooooooong! I was totally predicting Elia and Sam in the final-final. For the past month, I told anyone who wasn't too annoyed to listen that it wouldn't be Sam for the win, because he was too much like Harold. I figured Bravo wouldn't allow themselves to have a typecast winner who was another "sexy" alpha male chef from New York. So who does that leave? Elia as the winner. Well, I was partly right. Sam's not going to win it because he's not even moving on to week's episode. Ted Ilan and Marcel are. Which, if you've been caught up -- or dragged down -- by the drama over the past week, you know that Ted Ilan cannot win.
After the chefs are flown, wined, and dined at the hands of the usual suspects and Chef Alan Wong, they are told they need to recreate an Alan Wongian birthday luau for the Elimination Challenge. Two of them will be going home. Celebrity guest judge Alan Wong is delightful and sweet to every cheftestant. He is complimentary and impressed with all of them, but when prompted by the other judges, he does admit to some complaints with a few of their dishes.
Meanwhile, Ted Ilan bleats and blathers on to Son of Sam and Elia about how Marcel's only in Hawaii by the skin of his teeth. Elia mutters also that Marcel has cheated throughout the whole competition. Oh, sorry, Marcel has "tcheeted." Shut up, Elia. Jumping gleefully on this nugget, Ted Ilan then encourages Elia to tell the judges that she thinks Marcel has been cheating.
At the Judges' Table, Colicchio and Padmadala argue (rather vociferously for them) about how it's a cooking competition, but Sam didn't cook anything; all his stuff was raw. Padmadala doesn't think it matters because she avers that Sam cooked with acid, but the beefy bald grillmeister that is Colicchio scoffs at this idea.
Back in front of the judges, Ted Ilan goads Elia into tattling on Marcel. Elia makes a few weak mewls on the subject -- something about her steamer being moved? When the burner wasn't even on? -- but it's pretty apparent that she can't even produce ONE SOLID PIECE OF COHERENT EVIDENCE that Marcel ever cheated. The judges come down hard on her, completely dismissing her obviously baseless claims.
Finally, wonder of wonders, Sam and Elia are booted off the Big Island, and Ted Ilan and Marcel will duke it out in the final-finals week.
Starting off the episode, we do something I don't recall being done last season. In the vein of Project Runway, we visit the final four cheftestants in their various home or work kitchens and get another look at their lives. Marcel's in Vegas at Joël Robuchon's restaurant. With its black and white wall tiles and black equipment, it looks more like a home kitchen. There's also something about the tile and black equipment that is triggering a slight claustrophobic response -- the place looks very small and closed-in even though it's obviously quite large. Weird. A co-worker tells us that Marcel is constantly on top of the food world. In his own apartment, Marcel explains that he and his roommates have come up with a "super exclusive gastronomic society" that has them all bringing their restaurant work home with them. They're always looking for ways to broaden their experience and explain their knowledge. Marcel packs up his stuff (presumably for Hawaii) and says, "Top Chef has given us the opportunity to bring our own equipment and our own ingredients." He lists some molecular gastronomy ingredients that he's packing up, including xantham gum. Ferran Adrià has recently released a line of pricey ingredients that allows you to turn your own kitchen into an El Bulli lab. I don't know about you, but I'm certainly craving some Sperificataion Calcic right about now. Marcel gets excited about "busting out shit they've never seen before."
Still in Vegas but moving over to The Café at Mandalay Bay, we check in with Elia. She tells us she's researched Hawaiian cuisine on the "eeeenternet" and read some "booooks." She also talked to her co-workers at Mandalay Bay. The assistant manager of The Café tells the cameras that Elia has the passion and the patience and the knowledge, "everything that it takes" to win the competition. She also has the finger-pointing and the lying. Elsewhere, we are exposed to Elia's Wall of Over-Achievements. Lo and behold, she used to be a competitive swimmer for the Mexican National Team and was two seconds away from the Olympics. Hey, Marisa -- how do you like them cupcakes? With all the swimming medals, she also has all her culinary degrees. Elia packs up her bag of special ingredients and equipment, but we can't really tell what she's bringing. It looks like a mess. Much like Elia.
In New York, Ted Ilan brings us to Café Mono, where he's continued to work and cook Spanish food. Hey, did you know Ted Ilan cooks Spanish food? I didn't know Ted Ilan cooked Spanish food! Imagine that. He must use a lot of paprika and SAFFRON when he cooks Spanish food. Whatever. Ted Ilan's boss appears to like and appreciate him, but the camera doesn't show us if he's crossing his fingers behind his back or not. Ted Ilan has done some studying up on Hawaiian food, "Not too much, though, because I don't wanna try to learn too many new things that I wouldn't be completely comfortable with." Yeah, it's much better to keep doing the same old saffron old. Ted Ilan packs his knives. He wants to win. He thinks he's deserves it. You know what he deserves? To be sent back to 1985 when wearing multiple watches up your arm was actually cool. Furthermore, retro '80s fashion is only cool if you were old enough to remember it.
Elsewhere in New York, Son of Sam -- head newly shorn but still slightly greasy and pubes-y -- takes baking and pastry lessons from a three-star pastry chef who used to work for Colicchio. Sam, would you please OPEN YOUR MOUTH when you SPEAK? Son of Sam is willing to clean the kitchen or wash dishes to learn pastry from Heather Carlucci-Rodriguez at Lassi. Carlucci-Rodriguez tells us that Son of Sam has no ego in the kitchen. I'd believe that. He certainly has never come across as egotistical. Just angry. And passive. And lock-jawed. Sam jaw-clenches out something about a wave and "to the top," but I don't really feel like deciphering it. Son of Sam fills his bag with Asian ingredients. I can see organic udon noodles, chili-garlic sauce from the makers of Sriracha, and wasabi. He also has packets of seaweed. Apparently, no one told Sam Hawaii was an island. Actually, more to the point, if he had done his research, he would have learned of the heavy Japanese influence in Hawaii. Ala Moana Shopping Center alone has shop upon shop of Japanese products. Of course, that's in Oahu not Big Island, but it's not like Oahu is the only island that has a Japanese influence. On the other hand, maybe they aren't going to allow the cheftestants to do any shopping while they're there? Why am I suddenly so worried about Sam's ingredients?
At LAX, the cheftestants board their Continental flight for Kona. Dammit, I miss Hawaii! Sam and Elia are the first to arrive and learn they are all seated in first class. They also seem to have boarded the plane way ahead of everyone else because the plane is entirely empty. However, I think it was pointed out that since having cameras aboard an in-flight plane is illegal, all of this was completely staged. Like everything else on this damn show. Ted Ilan arrives with a tiny Louis Vuitton attaché -- no, I'm sorry, attaché is too manly a term for that thing. I don't even know what it is -- it's tiny and Vuittoned and so weird. It looks like a suitcase for an American Girl doll. It's the "Meet Paris: a rabid socialite girl" model. She comes with fifteen credit cards, a home waxing kit, and an eating disorder.
Ted Ilan realizes that Son of Sam and Elia stuck him in a row with the yet-to-board Marcel, and they all make faces about it. Assholes. Marcel arrives at the gate, and my eagle-eyed Head Cheese spotted that he's totally wearing a Point Reyes Original Blue tee-shirt! That's totally awesome, and I'm dying to know where he got it. I mean, I know where to get those tee-shirts, I just want to know how and why he came upon it. Original Blue is such a Northern California institution. Elia continues to badmouth Marcel to us. I love how Marcel's sideburns are now sculpted to a fine Kirkian point.
Oh, god -- do I really have to recap this continued fakery? Okay, so they are supposedly in-flight and we are made to think this because we get stock flying jet footage that is employed every time someone travels on television or in the movies. The flight attendant comes by with a Roy Yamaguchi meal for them, which coincidentally enough, seems to come with a printout of Yamaguchi's bio. I'm not slamming Yamaguchi by any means, because I have the utmost respect for him and his food, but all of this is so very, very fake. Marcel tells us that sitting to Ted Ilan is "a little bit awkward" after watching the episodes and seeing him "talk a little bit of smack." "A little bit"?? Marcel, you are far too kind. Ted Ilan tells us even with the distance of the two-month hiatus, he's really sick of Marcel. Well, we're even because I am really sick of you.
Oh, beautiful Hawaii. Look at those verdant cliffs, that turquoise ocean. I've never been in such an out-and-out magical place. Fully crowned and sashed, Miss Hawaii -- Pilialoha Gaison -- greets them at the Kona airport. Well, of course she had to be Miss Hawaii, she's got the spirit of aloha in her very name. The cheftestants get lei'd and are guided to a helicopter. I have never been tempted to take a ride in one of those. Maybe it's the airsickness, the high instance of crashes, or maybe it's the fact that I watch too many M*A*S*H reruns and would instinctively crouch when boarding the thing, but I just don't ever want to get in one. Son of Sam expresses some sincere trepidation about the ride, which kind of makes me like him a little bit more. Miss Hawaii waves goodbye, and the cheftesants take off and scream the whole way to Waipi'o Valley. Sam says something about holding Ted Ilan's leg in his arms out of abject fear. Kind of kinky. Waipi'o Valley makes me sad because it was one of our last stops on our way to the airport. Gail, Colicchio, Padmadala, and Alan Wong wait -- all lei'd up -- for the cheftestants to de-heli. Padmadala "aloha"s them and welcomes them to Hawaii. Padmadala introduces Alan Wong as "the Grand Master of Regional Hawaiian cuisine." Chef Wong tells them they are in Waipi'o Valley, a very spiritual place, where the first Polynesians arrived a long time ago. That's funny, I thought the first Polynesians landed at South Point. In the Waipi'o Valley, Chef Wong continues, taro grows in prodigious amounts, and taro features prominently in the Hawaiian diet. "So, to wish you luck and to welcome you to Hawaii, I've prepared some traditional Hawaiian food for you," Chef Wong tells them. But first, they will have a traditional Hawaiian blessing. A haole they flew in from the WWF (Islanders don't usually have facial hair like that) blows on a conch shell. Everyone stands around the table and joins hands while two Hawaiian natives say a prayer in the Hawaiian language.
Piles of interesting looking food are arranged on platters and in dark coconut wood bowls. Everyone tucks in. As would befit a traditional Hawaiian feast, there are no knives and forks, and everyone uses their hands. I've always loved eating with my hands -- it seems so languorous and decadent. However, I hope the cheftestants got a chance to wash up first. I mean think about it: hair product stink (you know they're all using it), plane stink, and helicopter stink ain't going to make that poi any tastier. Alan Wong explains poi to the cheftestants: "Poi, made from the taro in Old Hawaii, was considered very sacred. The poi is the end result of mixing something like the taro, or the breadfruit, or the sweet potato into a paste." Now, when we were in Hawaii in September, we were all about eating the local food -- particularly the fish, vegetables, and goat cheese -- but we never had the occasion to try poi. They didn't even have poi on the menu at Side Street Café where all the chefs of Oahu go to hang out and eat home-style Hawaiian comfort food after hours. Frankly, I've never even really been interested in the stuff, but I can guarantee you, if it was made by Alan Wong, I'd eat it happily. In his 1866 Letters from Hawaii, Mark Twain described poi as a "villainous mixture... almost tasteless before it ferments and too sour for a luxury afterward. But nothing in the world is more nutritious."
As all the cheftestants and Padmadala expertly scoop up and twirl the poi onto their first two fingers -- I really hope they all have their own portion and aren't dipping into a communal bowl -- Alan Wong goes on to say that there are many ways to make poi, but if you don't cook it correctly, it will make your throat itch. Can I just ask what the HELL is wrong with Bravo? The idiotic lunkheads are showing us a shot of LOTUS ROOT and calling it TARO! This is a FOOD show! Why can't they get the FOOD right?! I just... I really don't... I mean, I can't... idiots, idiots. They are IDIOTS! Lordy, lordy, LORDY -- I am not even a professional chef AND I KNOW THE DIFFERENCE! It's like showing a purse on Project Runway and calling it a belt. Basically, this just proves EVEN MORE that Bravo doesn't give a shit about the food and only cares about the drama. Yet all this time, Bravo has been all, "Oh, we are good reality television. We don't manipulate things like other reality shows. We have integrity. We are so moral and intellectual and pure and --" SMACK!
Chef Wong points out the Lau Lau (butterfish, beef short ribs, and pork wrapped in taro leaves), Lomi Lomi Salmon (salt-cured salmon with tomatoes, onions, and green onions), and Poke (cubed raw marinated fish usually drizzled with sesame or kukui nut oil and seaweed). Oh, man, I love poke. I crave it, and the only place in San Francisco I've found that serves really good poke is at Roy Yamaguchi's. Padmadala gives the cheftestants the bum's rush, telling them they get to go check out their suite at the Hilton Waikoloa Village and mentally prepare themselves for the day's Elimination Challenge. The cheftestants board their helicopter.
They arrive at Waikoloa Village to see "TOP CHEF" spelled out in white coral on the lava rocks. It's Hawaiian graffiti, and you can see it all up and down Queen Ka'ahumanu Highway. They goggle over the hugeness of the resort. And now for our commercial-within-the-show. Korbel. They fly first class, they eat with Alan Wong, and now they get Korbel. You know, there are plenty of wallet-friendly sparkling wines out there that are amazingly good. It doesn't have to be Dom or Billecart-Salmon, but why not Gloria Ferrer, Roederer, Domaine Chandon, or anything that won't strip your throat to the bone? There's just a huge disconnect between the products they pimp and the caliber of the chefs they bring on as contestants and as guest judges. I guess I should be grateful it's not Martini and Rossi Asti Spumante, you know? Oh. That's just LOVELY. Now I'm going to have that in my head all night. The cheftestants walk into their suite. Meh. I was more impressed by the MGM Grand suite last season. This place just looks like a hotel lobby. However, this time they have a piano! Yeah, that's going to come in really handy. To continue the commercial-within-a-show, Marcel invites the other cheftestants to have a glass of bubbly. Clink.
Blah, blah, blah, they-all-want-to-win-pokecakes. They turn out the lights and-- how bizarre -- someone has to sleep in a single while another cheftestant gets a queen or king. Last year, they all got queens or kings.
morning, we pan around the Waikoloa Village and get a VO squeak of a dolphin as it bumps up to the camera. It's totally stock footage from a Welcome to the Hilton Waikoloa Village and Thank You for Choosing Waikoloa Village as Your Reality Television Finale Location video. The cheftesants arrive at the outdoor Krapmore Kitchens and are greeted by Chef Wong and Padmadala. Chef Wong tells them his birthday was yesterday, so since his friends apparently all forgot that event, he's throwing himself a traditional Hawaiian luau and the cheftestants will be doing all the cooking. The cheftestants have to put their own spin on traditional Hawaiian luau food. If Marcel makes a suckling pig foam, smear, or gelée, I might have to retire my snark. Padmadala shows them the bounty of Hawaiian produce and products in the Hawaiian Krapmore Kitchens and reminds them they also get to pull from their own ingredients and supplies. They have three hours to make two dishes and two of them will be going home.
Food flurry. Gladware, Gladware, Gladware. Food flurry. Son of Sam describes one of his dishes and calls the opakapaka fish "red snapper." I'm sorry my friend, but opakapaka is one of my favorite Hawaiian fish, and not just because it reminds me of the nice Kai on Deep Space Nine, so I'm going to have to correct you here. Opakapaka is pink Hawaiian snapper and onaga is red or ruby Hawaiian snapper. Does it matter much? Not really, I just like to write and say "opakapaka" as much as humanely possible. Opaka. Paka. Food flurry. I'll describe the dishes when they actually serve them because I'm now opakapaka fatigued. While preparing his lau lau, Ted Ilan makes sure to tell us that he "boiled the hell" out of his taro because of the itchy throat thing.
The loser music starts up just after Ted Ilan tells us he's putting his Spanish Spin -- for the umpteenth time -- on his dishes. The loser music plays around Marcel telling us how he gets to use his molecular gastronomy chemicals and additives for the first time. He's going to be using xantham gum in his faux poi (love who coined that term on the forums) to thicken the mixture and make it more viscous. Son of Sam tells us, "Marcel knows a lot about food, but his weakness is that he's going to do Chemical City." I start to make a Batman crack but I'm drowned out by the Evil Dr. Mathra shouting, "Take me down to the Chemical City where the foams are keen and the airs are shitty! Oh, won't you please take me ho-oh-oh-wohme!" Son of Sam goes on, "You could give Marcel like a piece of rat crap, and he could probably make it look pretty on a plate, but is it going to taste good?" Dude, you're going ho-oh-oh-wohme.
Colicchio arrives for his Sniff 'n' Sneer, Aloha Style. He cracks to Marcel, "I think it's probably safe to say that Hawaiian cooking and thermal, um --" "Thermal immersion circulator," Marcel supplies. " -- that those two words probably haven't been put together yet," Colicchio finishes. Dude didn't even know the term. Major props to whomever on the boards said that the towel around Ted Ilan's forehead looks like a giant Kotex pad. Colicchio notes to us that Elia is blending Mediterranean and Hawaiian flavors, Ted Ilan is putting Spanish and Hawaiian together, Son of Sam is "playing it safe," and Marcel is deconstructing the traditional dishes. Colicchio adds, "It's great to see them not backstabbing each other at this point and just that they're focused on food and that's what's gonna win the day today." Oh, it's early yet, my shiny-headed friend.
Meanwhile in the Krapmore Kitchen, one of Ted Ilan's pots flares up. He yanks it off the burner and asks, "What's up with that?" while Marcel laughs at him. Ted Ilan puts the flaming pot on the flagstones, and Marcel suggests, "Ilan, you should have done that for the flambé challenge." Heh. Ted Ilan asks if someone could stop turning a burner to low. "Yeah," Marcel responds. It's not clear if Marcel is just saying "yeah" because he was the one turning it to low or just to signal that he heard Ted Ilan's request, which, by the way is not any different than when Marcel asked people to keep the walk-ins closed in the last episode. Ted Ilan tells us that everyone is annoyed by Marcel attitude of superiority and adds, "When we all know -- and even he knows -- that he's not." Elia bitches that someone moved her steamer. Marcel admits he moved it, that he told her he was going to move it, and that there wasn't any heat under it. Elia bitches to us, "I had my hand-crafted steamer going on, and Marcel moved it because he wanted to put his pot. There's a difference between not being polite and not respecting the dynamics in the kitchen." Hon, no dynamics in any professional kitchen would say that you can call dibs on a burner that isn't turned on or being used. Even Colicchio says as much in his blog. Elia adds, "I couldn't put up with it any more. Classic Marcel's behavior." Well, maybe you should just go home then. Oh, right, you do!
The tropical night darkens and guests arrive. Wearing pale green taffeta sheathes -- not grass skirts -- hula dancers undulate and sway like coconut saplings. As the cheftestants continue to cook, the guests are laid away and seated. Food flurry with ten minutes left. Elia had originally wanted to sear her poke fish cubes -- to put her own spin on the dish -- but is now realizing she's running out of time and can't do it. Well, good, because poke really should be raw. Weirdo. Food flurry accompanied by frantic Hawaiian drum beats. The judges arrive. Miss Hawaii looks around her. Time's up.
Chef Wong welcomes all his guests and explains the cheftestants' Elimination Challenge to them. Ted Ilan tells us that when it came time to serve, he didn't have everything ready. The judges come up to Son of Sam as he serves up his first course. He tells us he's freaking out and his nerves are shot. Son of Sam explains that his opakapaka poke -- I want to call it opokepoke -- has been prepared with yuzu, canola oil, sesame, ginger, onion, and garlic and is served with sea beans "to keep the saltiness of the ocean running throughout the dish." The judges take their opokepoke back to their table and eat. Chef Wong says, "This could pass in Hawaii, it's poke." Gail really likes the addition of sea beans. Elia tells us that she tasted Son of Sam's dish and found it good but not amazing. She likes her poke better. Too bad the judges won't agree. Colicchio seems to be having some reflux because he comments that he's still tasting the raw shallots. Take a Tums, dude, and shut up already. Son of Sam brings over his dessert course. It's his take on the haupia Chef Wong served them the day before. We didn't get to see that dish, but I'm pretty sure Ted Ilan is doing one as well. Son of Sam's haupia is composed of a mascarpone (Sam pronounced it correctly!) mousse that he's attempted to quenelle -- except that the humidity is ruining the classic egg shape -- and Hawaiian salted coconut milk, garnished by a citrus tuile (thin and delicate cookie). The guests enjoy Sam's haupia so much, they ask for more. Son of Sam tells us he took a risk by salting the coconut milk and that Elia told him she overheard some guests saying it was too salty. However, Sam points out, other guests wanted seconds, so it's anybody's guess. Also, Son of Sam should take into consideration that Elia's a bitch.
Elia's up . She presents her Hawaiian red snapper -- onaga -- steamed in ti leaves with carrots, butter, garlic, olive oil, sweet peas, and red bell pepper. She moves on to explain her take on poke. "I did tuna, raw -- I was thinking of doing it seared but then I didn't take the risk," Elia says. "If you tried to sear this, it would have been overcooked," Colicchio tells her. "Yeah, I thought about it afterwards," Elia says. You ran out of time, that's why you didn't sear it. It had nothing to do with thinking about it afterwards or not taking the risk. Anyway, Elia has imbued her poke with Lebanese and Mexican touches. She's added olives, capers, preserved lemon confit, oven-roasted tomatoes, and tuna juice. I'm sorry but tuna juice sounds like something you'd want to see a Gyno about. Call it tuna essence or something else, just not juice.
Padmadala remembers how Elia impressed Hiroshi Shima when she put olives in her sushi. Eating, eating, eating. Padmadala says, "The brininess of the olives and the sun-dried tomato, actually, complement the ahi very well." Chef Wong nods. "Actually," Gail puts in, wrinkling her nose, "I felt like it was a little overpowering, actually, that I can't taste the fish as much as I'd like to because of the olives." I felt like your and Padmadala's overpowering use of "actually" has made me lose all sense of what you are saying. Actually. Chef Wong listens quietly, wondering how to politely disagree. He says, "I thought the tuna water was great. I've never seen that before." Yes, tuna water! Much better than tuna juice. Alan Wong is a genius. Colicchio opines, "The only issue I have with this dish is we told them to take traditional food and put a spin on it -- this isn't a spin." Chef Wong seems to sort of agree by saying, "Well, the only thing that it has to do with Hawaiian food is that she's calling it poke, which is raw tuna, but then the flavors are all not from here." Moving on to the ti-wrapped snapper, Padmadala says, "The only thing I really would have liked to see in this is a douse of something to just --" "Acid!" Colicchio says impatiently, "It needs acid!" "It needs acid," Padmadala repeats slowly. She's so high. Colicchio suggests chili water. They all get behind the idea of having a bowl of chili water there. What the heck is "chili water"? Oh. Cool.
After the commercials, we come to Marcel's dishes. He presents his take on pineapple poi with hamachi poke and explains, "The pineapple poi is basically just straight pineapple, it hasn't been cooked by any means." Is he going to explain how he got the poi consistency? The poke is balanced on a crispy taro chip. Great, now I'm craving Terra Chips. Marcel then explains his salmon lomi lomi, which he keeps calling "lumi lumi." The salmon lomi lomi has a tomato foam, scallion oil, chili water, and a lotus root chip. Marcel refers to the chili water as something they had the day before; I guess we missed that, but it would explain why Colicchio referenced it. Elia turns to the camera, curls her lip in disgust (FISH HOOK!), and shakes her head. The show proceeds to give us some dramatic cuts melting into one another -- they did this with Stephen in the first season when he went on and on about the wine -- to make it appear as though Marcel has been talking about his dishes for a long time. Elia again makes little bitter eyes at the camera. "He was explaining his dish like he was reading a book to his little daughter, you know, 'And then the wolf comes and it's the little grandma --' Who do you think you're talking to, you know?" Elia snarks to us. Is she calling Marcel's dish Little Red Riding Hood? Marcel says, "I don't think that I was necessarily trying to charm people, it just comes naturally to me to convey what I've created in kind of a charismatic matter." Shades of Stephen "educating" his guests, but not as condescending. ["Kind of stretching 'charismatic' to its limit, but yes." -- Joe R] By the way, we get shots of the guests smiling happily and encouragingly at Marcel as he's dishing and talking. It really doesn't seem as if Marcel talked any more than the time it took him to plate for the guests, but I could be wrong. The judges really like what they're eating. Chef Wong decides, "He was listening yesterday when I said that poi was the end result of a preparation, so that you could make it out of the taro, the breadfruit, sweet potato -- I guess he did that on pineapple." Gail thinks the poi is very light and airy and asks, "So are you going to stick your fingers in it or what, Chef?" Everyone laughs. Padmadala decides she's going to stick her fingers in it. "It's a little runny -- could be thicker," she decides. All the other guests love it. Ted Ilan sneers to us, "I'm sure Marcel's food was delicious, but it was a really deconstructed, extremely deconstructed, maybe destructively deconstructed." Whatever, douche -- the challenge was to put your own spin on Hawaiian cuisine and Marcel did exactly that. Gail says, "It was very Marcel. I mean, he was definitely melding his style with Hawaiian style."
Speaking of douchefs -- again, I have the forums to thank for that bon mot -- Ted Ilan is finally up. He presents a Spanish version of lau lau composed of morcilla, grilled squid, and taro that he made sure to boil for a "very, very long time," and wrapped the whole thing in ti leaves. Back at the tables, Padmadala says, "It really tastes Spanish." "Well, that's the sausage," Gail informs her. Chef Wong thinks the use of taro leaves really makes the dish. "I'm feeling the itch in back part of my hard palate right now," Padmadala says. Honey, that's cottonmouth. Another guest at the table is also feeling it apparently. Ted Ilan serves his dessert dish. He used coconut milk to make a traditional haupia, added saffron, and then breaded and deep-fried it into a fritter. He references leche frita -- fried milk -- in Spanish cuisine. It looks as though he dusted the fritter with powdered sugar. "Wow, that's definitely saffron," Gail comments. Padmadala thinks that with the coconut milk, the saffron, and the frying, it could be an Indian dish. Since Gail can't contradict Padmadala on this particular point, she says, "I really, really like it." Padmadala brings up Ted Ilan's sad funnel cake as a reference for this dish. The guests found the fried "haupia" interesting.
Back in the Krapmore Kitchen, Ted Ilan whines to Sam, "My plate wasn't beautiful." He's hoping Sam will grab him by the shoulders, look deep in his eyes, and say, "No, but you're beautiful." Sam's response is, "Pffft -- It's hot, man." Ted Ilan continues to whine ineffectually.
A Hawaiian fire twirler twirls fire. The cheftestants and guests watch. One by one, the cheftestants tell us how they are feeling. Elia says, "There's a lot at stake for me, I don't want to hear Padma say, 'Pack your knives and go home.'" Then you should probably cover your ears for the ten minutes.
Judges' Table. Lord, I see that my TiVo timeline says I'm fifty-two minutes into the episode. Normally, I would be overjoyed at being able to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but since Bravo saw fit to super-size this, I have another seventeen minutes AFTER the end of the hour. Ugh. Is Padmadala slurring her words here? They talk about how tough the decision is. Discussion, discussion, discussion. Boring, boring, boring. Colicchio mentions that Ted Ilan was the only one to attempt to use the taro leaf, which he thinks was really great considering how Chef Wong underlined its importance to Hawaiian cuisine. Chef Wong agrees. Turning to Marcel's faux poi, Colicchio thinks it was a bit of a stretch. Chef Wong agrees. Gail says, "I found the pineapple poi really airy --" "Really? You thought -- you thought the poi was aerated and not runny?" Padmadala interrupts. "No, it didn't run on my plate at all," Gail insists. Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't the faux poi appear runny only when Padmadala stuck her fingers in it? Padmadala states that the pineapple poi didn't work for her and ends the discussion by announcing they move on to Elia. Colicchio decides that Elia didn't take the flavors and make them her own, she just made them her own. "There was nothing in that dish that was reminiscent at all of Hawaiian flavors," Colicchio decides. Chef Wong gives all the cheftestants credit for putting out what they did in the amount of time they had. Colicchio wants to bring the cheftestants out for a little Prime Minestrone's Question Time.
Chef Wong thanks them from the "bottom of [his] heart" for a wonderful birthday party. Aw, he's so sweet. Colicchio and Gail also give them props. Then they start questioning them. Marcel explains his dish and Chef Wong asks if he put onions in his tomato foam. He didn't -- he just had tomatoes and chili oil. "A little bit of onions would have made it, like, completely,"Chef Wong begins. "Taken it to that level? Yeah," Marcel agrees. "Yeah," Padmadala adds belatedly. Does she even have any idea what they are talking about right now? Turning to the pineapple poi, Colicchio admits that the only way to make that dish was to use the chemical additives. "You know, some of those ideas are just overused, but it was good to see them in context, so, thanks -- I thought it was really well done," Colicchio finishes. Chef Wong also thought it was adventurous and a success. Marcel bows his thanks. When they get to Elia, she says, "I am so glad that we had the opportunity to try real Hawaiian food, not a fusion." Hey, I wouldn't speak so slighting of fusion when you've got Roy Yamaguchi week. Then again, you don't have him, so never mind. Elia says she really likes her tuna juice. Which is now assuming pornographic undertones. Elia goes on to pat herself on the back for both her dishes. Colicchio thinks the poke moved too far away from Hawaiian flavors. Elia notes, "I didn't want it to taste Hawaiian, I didn't want you to say, 'This is Hawaiian." I wanted you to say, 'This is Elia's dish.'" This is Elia's tuna juice. Sorry. "But I also told you all that we still want you to bring in the Hawaiian flavors," Padmadala reminds her. "And I think I did," Elia insists. Except for the fact that you just said that you DIDN'T want it to have Hawaiian flavors, Elia. Get your stories straight! "Okay," Colicchio backs off. , we turn to Ted Ilan where the Spanish influence of his dishes is mentioned. Gail gives him props for using both meat -- he was the only one to do so -- and the taro leaf. Colicchio also enjoyed the taro dish. "The only thing I would say about the taro is that I felt a little scratchiness at the back of the throat --" Padmadala says. "I tasted it quite a few times," Ted Ilan interrupts, "And I cooked it for over two hours." Colicchio says that he didn't pick up the scratchiness and he's had worse reactions to poorly executed eggplant. "Everyone reacts differently," Chef Wong smoothes over. Chef Wong admired Ted Ilan's risk with the taro, but would have preferred that he not have used saffron in his haupia fritter, "Mainly because I don't think you find a lot of saffron in Hawaii, simply." "I've had lots of coconut and saffron dishes," Ted Ilan begins, "And I wanted to do something that I knew would be successful." Yeah, but not in HAWAII, which is the material point. Ass. Finally, we get to Sam, who gets big props for his haupia and the pickled sea beans in his poke. Chef Wong suggests he use more yuzu in his poke. Sam is surprised because he was afraid that he used too much. Colicchio comments, "I would have preferred to see the opakapaka cut a little more precisely. It was a little ragged -- some of the pieces." That is the epitome of nitpicking. The cheftestants are excused for the moment.
The judges deliberate. Marcel wowed them.
Elsewhere, Sam, Elia, and Ted Ilan talk a bit of smack about Marcel. Because they still haven't learned their frigging lesson. Ted Ilan says, "He got here by the skin of his teeth -- he was on the chopping block so many times." "He's rude," Elia says. Really? How else would you expect someone who got attacked and nearly had his head shaved while you sat there and did nothing to act? Polite? Sanctimonious louse. "Disrespectful," Ted Ilan adds. "Arrogant," Elia lists. Son of Sam sits back and says nothing. Maybe he did learn his lesson while the others have their heads so far up their own asses they can't get away from their own crap. "He's been tcheeeting the whole competition," Elia says. Oh, what's this now? Since when? Name a time, Elia -- name an event! Ted Ilan jumps on this and says she has to say something. Son of Sam smiles. Maybe he knows she will be ridiculed for this. Maybe he's smiling at the fireworks that will play out. Maybe he's smiling because he just realized Elia's tongue and lips would make a nice pickle. "Elia, please -- we have to say something, this is the chance," Ted Ilan says. "If you say something, say it about cheating," Son of Sam advises.
The judges deliberate. Elia didn't wow them, and Sam played it safe. Colicchio announces, "It dawned on me, he didn't cook anything." "So?" Padmadala interjects provokingly. "This is a cooking competition," Colicchio says, his eyes wide, "He didn't cook anything." "He cooked it by marinating it," Padmadala counters, "That's just totally valid." She's really slurring. Colicchio doesn't think so, even if Gail agrees with Padmadala. "There was just no development of flavors," Colicchio goes on. "There was TOTAL development!" Padmadala insists loudly, rolling her eyes and her head, "It just wasn't developed by heat." This is hysterical. I think Padmadala's off her nut, and I'm loving it. Didn't Sam have to cook the pudding part of the haupia? Also, the tuile would have been baked. Taking into consideration that Son of Sam supposedly didn't cook anything, Chef Wong admits he's starting to think "a little different." Gail says if they're going to say that Son of Sam played it safe, then she's going to bring up that Ted Ilan played it safe when introducing Spanish ingredients. "He's a line cook in a Spanish restaurants -- he has made Spanish dish after Spanish dish because that's what he knows, because that's what he works with every day," Gail explains. You go, Gail! Again, they all give him points for the taro leaf addition. Padmadala notes that Sam has the most Quickfire wins and Ted Ilan has the most Elimination wins.
The cheftestants are brought back out. Colicchio tells them there are no losers tonight, they just have to choose two winners. Colicchio goes down the line and gives them all their individual props. Lots of looking around at each other. Finally, Ted Ilan bleats up, "Um, Elia and I were talking a little bit in the back... " "Um, I don't even know if it's worth it to be said or not," Elia starts. "Say it, please," Padmadala orders. They must be so annoyed by this bullshit by now. "I just want to say that, um," Elia stutters. "We all feel," Ted Ilan says, gesturing at Sam, "That there are some people who disrespect the kitchen and disrespect food." Marcel makes an amused face like, "This oughta be good." Colicchio closes his eyes, rolls his eyes, closes them again, and slightly shakes his head. He is so pissed. "We're here to showcase ourselves, and I think there are some people who tried to thwart that," Ted Ilan continues. "Yeah, gain advantage," Elia adds, warming up to the smack talking, "With ways that should not have been there." "You don't need to say 'some people,' you're obviously talking about -- " Marcel begins disgustedly. "Yeah," all the judges say. "So, why don't you just come out and say it -- just fucking say it, say it outright," Marcel insists. "Come on, Marcel," Elia smiles, "You cheated several times." Marcel just looks at the judges. Padmadala puts her head in her hands. They're harshing her buzz, dude. "Today?" Colicchio asks. No, not today, Elia explains, "Today, it was just the same behavior -- I had my steamer going on and --" Marcel flings a hand out, like he can't believe this is what she's talking about, and says, "The burners weren't even on!" Elia explains that he moved her steamer without asking. "I specifically was like, 'Is anybody using this?' and I looked underneath, no burners were on, I'm going to move this aside!" Marcel explains. Colicchio asks, "Is that specifically something that injured your dish?" "No, I just -- am I just the only one here?" Elia asks, turning to Ted Ilan and Son of Sam for support. Yeah, I think you are. We still haven't heard any concrete evidence that Marcel "tcheeeted." Moving a steamer, whether it's handcrafted or not, is not cheating when it wasn't even cooking anything at the time. I'm glad you do yoga, Elia, because you are really reaching.
Son of Sam suggests, "Why don't you let them finish and then see what happens." Gail asks for more examples of tcheeeting. "I don't know," Elia says. Gail explains that it's hard for them to do anything about these allegations if Elia can't even be clear about what she's saying. This is so embarrassing. Elia says, "It's just an example of a behavior." Okay, but there's "behavior" and there's "cheating," and they aren't the same thing. "Elia, you know what? We're not judging your behavior in the kitchen -- we're judging your food. I really don't care what happens in there, to tell you the truth," Colicchio says. Yeah, seriously. Just shut up forever, Elia. Elia says, "It's hard to hear that, but it's cool." No, it's not cool -- you bring up tcheeeting and then you can't back it up? That is, like, the opposite of cool. Finally, Padmadala tells Marcel he's staying. Elia shakes her head in anger and is then told she's OUT! OUT! OWWWWWWWWWWT! When Padmadala says, "Please pack your knives and go," to Elia, she's all choked up. Will someone get the poor skinny thing another spliff? Ted Ilan kisses Elia on the tcheeek. Sam is told he's going home and again, Padmadala is very upset. Marcel is shocked. Padmadala looks like she inhaled a bug when she congratulates Ted Ilan. It's a bitter pill she swallowed here. Hold me now, oh hold me now.
Padmadala thanks all of them for their excellent work. Padmadala sighs hard and puts her hands to her face. Elia turns to Marcel to hug and congratulate him. Why he doesn't shove her away is beyond me. I guess he's got more restraint than me. Elia babbles to us about why she did what she did at the judges' table, but it's all pitiful and unbelievable, so I'll spare you. Actually, on second thought, I can't believe she says this: "For the whole competition, I have been his only friend." Really? Were you his friend when you didn't tell Cliff to lay off? Were you his friend when you shaved your head after Cliff attacked him and then made buck-toothed fun of him? Were you his friend when you accused him of cheating? Because that's still part of the "whole competition," Elia, and you are NOT being his friend. Sam tells us he was shocked to be let go, but it's been a great experience for him. Elia tells us, "What I'm taking away from this competition is to always remember to behave like who I am." And who you are is a bitch. I think you did it well, Elia. Really, really well. Elia thinks she can leave the competition holding her head up and knowing that she didn't compromise herself. Hold tight to those rose-colored glasses -- they'll help you get through every rerun. Sam and Elia walk off into the darkness, and Marcel tells us that he's happy it's him and Ted Ilan in the finale, "Because I have, like, a personal vendetta against him -- all the trash talking he's done since day one, and I can't wait to settle this thing once and for all." Ted Ilan tells us that it will be icing on his cake to win the whole thing over Marcel. "Mono a mono," Marcel tells Ted Ilan. "Yeah, I can't wait to make you cry tomorrow," Ted Ilan sneers. DICK! DICK! GREY DICK! "Don't flatter yourself," Marcel laughs, "It will take a lot more than a little paprika to make me cry." "I got a lot more in my knife kit than paprika," Ted Ilan grins. Yeah, be careful Marcel, he's got SAFFRON, too!
week: It's so over. Finally.