By Keckler
Basically? None of the food mattered in this episode. The Nestlé and Calphalon commercial for the Quickfire? Who cares. But in the interest of keeping my job, I'll tell you that Sam won it, which meant he had his choice of protein and course for the five-course romantic dinner Elimination challenge. They sped us through the Elimination Challenge, where all the dishes seemed to go over pretty well with the judges (AT FIRST) except maybe Cliff's beef dish, which was pronounced "hotel food."
The meat of the episode occurred after the Elimination Challenge and back in the lofts. Riding an adrenaline high from finishing the intense challenge, some drinking and balding goes on. It appears that Elia always wanted to Sinead herself, so she and Ted Ilan shave their heads. Willingly. After they laugh at Son of Sam for wimping out and keeping his full greasy mop, Cliff goes into the living room, drags a sleeping and pathetically limp Marcel off the couch, and forces him to the ground. Apparently, he was physically restraining Marcel in order for one of the others -- Sam? Ted Ilan? -- to shave his head. Sam, seeing the writing on the wall, just shook his head. He wouldn't shave Marcel's head, but he also didn't try to stop Cliff from acting out some potentially repressed tendencies. No one did, actually. The whole scene was eerily silent, uncomfortable, and very disturbing to watch.
Cliff, realizing that no one else was joining in on the violence, finally lets Marcel free. Marcel, after slamming the cameraperson in the face -- which, I believe, was Ted Ilan, as they had "borrowed" a camera that night -- spends the night in the bathroom. Hopefully, with the door locked. The morning, Colicchio arrives with a face full of fire and brimstone and asks everyone but Cliff to leave the room. No doubt that burned bacon-sniffing schnozz of his detected the fragrance of assault and freshly shaved heads all the way down the block. Colicchio repeats some Bravo rules to Cliff, which basically say that if you lay a finger on another cheftestant, you are gone. Cliff boggles at this but accepts his ousting. Before leaving the loft for good, Cliff actually apologizes to Marcel and the other cheftestants for letting the "joke" get out of hand.
At the Judges' Table, the courses are analyzed to death and all of a sudden the judges seem to be changing their tune about how good they originally thought everything was. Whatever. It was all done with the pretense of making us believe for about three minutes that someone else would be sent home. However, while Padmadala got to nastily tease Marcel and Elia, all four cheftestants are told they are going to Hawaii for the finals.
Even the august presence of Eric Ripert as guest judge was overshadowed by Clippergate.
I'm done. No, no -- I'm serious, I'm just done. I've had it with this show and more than that, I don't even care who wins. When it comes right down to it, I pretty much dislike all of them: Sam, Cliff, and Ted Ilan are asses, Elia is dead to me after her inactivity this week, and while I don't despise Marcel the way I despise those who bullied him, I don't think he should win just because he was bullied. In my eyes, his food hasn't been impressive or strong enough to make him a Top Chef. Also, Marcel isn't as annoying and supercilious as Stephen nor as bitchy as Tiffani, but he's had his own dick moments as well. So who should win? Lee Anne from last year. Dave from last year. Tiffani from last year. ANYONE except these reality show jokes. Based solely on technical skill and execution, Sam is the clear winner. However, I don't believe Bravo will let the same chef-type win two years in a row. They have a reputation to uphold and can't allow people to go around saying that they only let "attractive" white male executive chefs from New York win. They might then have a problem with viewership and future applicants. So, yeah, whatever Bravo -- you lost me on this season. Two more episodes left and the only reason I will watch is because I'm getting paid.
Let's discuss this episode's dopey Jane Austenian title. Blackadder can do it, and did it, and I love them for it, but there's something bothersome about Bravo doing it for this particular show. Maybe it's just this particular episode that makes me dislike it. I don't know, I just have this vision of the annoying and overexposed Andy Cohen doing a pee-pee dance over their "originality." Besides, Mr. Darcy would so beat Cliff, Sam, Ted Ilan, and Elia's asses. And his only weapon would be a withering look.
Last time, Marcel had been bullied forever. The cheftestants wake up, and Son of Sam tells us, "I need this win. I'm gonna do what it takes. I would never step on anybody to get there [Except those people you accused of using illicit olive oil in Camp Glucoyapi?] but I know how to cook and I'm gonna cook my way to the top." And bully your way to the top. Dick. Elia also expresses her desire to go to Hawaii. Shut up, Elia. Ted Ilan -- from the bed to Elia's -- claps that they are almost there. Ted Ilan tells us, "Last night I moved into Elia's room because she felt lonely. My new roommate is a lot, a lot sweeter, a lot nicer than Marcel." Yeah, it's amazing how unsweet someone gets when you have him held down while trying to shave his head. Oh, right, we aren't there yet.
The cheftestants file into the Krapmore Kitchen to meet guest judge Eric Ripert of Le Bernardin. While I don't think Ripert and his weird livery fish lips are remotely attractive, I would happily listen to him talk all day. The cheftestants drool to us about Ripert. Padmadala explains that this week's Quickfire Commercial is to use Nestlé chocolate and Calphalon cookware to create a sweet or savory dish. Marcel is distressed because he doesn't know a whole lot about chocolate. Food flurry. Ted Ilan is making something revolting with chocolate-covered sautéed chicken livers. Marcel fusses with delicate potato cannellonis. Time's up.
Elia poached some chicken and attempted some sort of mole sauce with chocolate, bastilla (pastry curls on the side), chilies, rosemary, and thyme. Ripert muses that chocolate is a very strong medium to be used against something as delicate as poached chicken. "Eeet's a Mexican tradeetion," Elia says, wrinkling her nose impishly at him. "To my knowledge, in Mexico, um it's definitely -- the chocolate is not overpowering," Ripert corrects gently. See? That's the way for a guest judge to assert his knowledge without being a total dick about it. Yakura. Interesting how Ripert is clearly head, shoulders, knees, toes over Yakura as a chef, but can still be gracious rather than condescending when judging a dish. "No, I know, I know, I know," Elia says self-consciously. Moving on, Elia explains her second dish, which is a ginger and chocolate cremeaux (mousse) with a strawberry and mint "on a crumble." What is the "crumble," Bravo? Oh, right, it's not about the food tonight. Forgive my forgetfulness. Elia says that since Padmadala was talking about sensuality earlier, her inspiration was a kiss. Hey, it's Nestlé's product placement time! Get your own cooking show pimp, Hershey. Although, quite frankly, with those caramel-filled Kisses, they really don't need one. Those babies can sell themselves. The Hugs might need more help, though. They're sorta gross. "I like the crunch," Ripert says, "It brings another element." "It's very creamy," is Padmadala's brilliant interpretation of the cremeaux. Son of Sam announces he is diabetic, so he doesn't eat a lot of chocolate. Look, I feel for the guy being a chef who is diabetic, but these caveats are getting tiresome. I really don't think he would have a disclaimer at the top of his menu saying, "The chef is diabetic, so he isn't very experienced making X, Y, and Z." Anyway, Son of Sam has sautéed shrimps sitting on top of banana slices with a dab of cilantro pesto in between them. There's also some jalapeño in there, but Sam isn't very clear about where it is or what it is doing. Then he says, "The sauces are a chocolate chipol-tay, black bean, and then a cilantro pesto." Why doesn't Padmadala correct Sam's stupid pronunciation of chipotle? LAY! LAY! LAY! Dumbass. I don't even care who I'm insulting now -- I hate them all. Except Ripert. I just feel sorry for him. Ripert is impressed by Sam's dish. Again, Ripert is too classy to be That Judge who corrects the cheftestants pronunciation. Ming.
Moving on, Cliff made a braised chicken with piquillo pepper, shallot, garlic, cinnamon, rosemary chocolate sauce with potatoes. Ripert likes it and thinks it's "well-balanced." Ted Ilan explains how he "attempted to make a chocolate candy" by sautéing chicken livers and "encapsulating" them in chocolate. He is serving these chocolate tralphles with reduced Spanish sherry -- again with the Spanish cooking, Ted Ilan? Maybe I should go back and count how many times you went back to that well -- and fried ginger. Marcel boggles at us that Ted Ilan would serve that mess to Ripert, "I actually felt bad for him." Don't, Marcel, he doesn't deserve it. Ripert asks about his inspiration. Ted Ilan explains that he cooks with a lot of offal (he pronounces it oaf-ful) at his job and he just "loves the way they taste." Ripert judges, "It's hard to notice the liver in it, though, because the chocolate is so intense. If you don't know, maybe you would mistake for dessert." "Brave," Padmadala laughs at Ted Ilan. Finally they get to Marcel, who presents his potato cannellonis filled with coffee whipped cream and chocolate mousse and served with chocolate sauce and Guajillo cream. Guajillo is a sort of chili pepper, so I'm guessing the cream has some heat to it with that addition. Ripert applauds the earthiness and sweetness in the dish. Marcel is proud.
Ripert applauds Marcel and Sam. He also liked Cliff's dish but thinks he could have been more imaginative. Imaginative like a thug. Ripert tells Elia she should have just done one dish, the dessert one. He says her Kiss was "really perfection," "extremely refined," and that it showcased her techniques. Ripert goes on to say that if Elia had used better judgment and served only that dish, she would have won. However, she really screwed up on her poached chicken with chocolate sauce. "To me it looks like an accident happened -- you have the chicken in the fridge and the chocolate sauce on top and something fell on top of the chicken. That chocolate sauce really killed the flavor of the chicken," Ripert goes on. Again, he's so gentle in his criticism that he doesn't come off as an ass. Maybe it's the accent. Also, Ripert is very soft-spoken -- almost shy. He's Bourdain's polar opposite, which might be why they get along so well. Elia tells us that she doesn't disagree that the chocolate sauce was more powerful than a regular mole, but she doesn't agree that the flavor was bad. Shut up, Elia. Finally and delightfully, Ripert gets to Ted Ilan where he tells him he was not very impressed by his dish and he didn't find any "sexy aspect" in mixing chocolate ganache with chicken liver. He doesn't think "something like that" should be served in a restaurant. Basically, Ted Ilan? Your dish was inedible. And so's your personality. Son of Sam wins. Whatever. Moving on. Son of Sam brags to us. Shut up, Son of Sam -- go serial kill yourself already.
Padmadala announces that the Elimination Challenge is for the five cheftestants to create a romantic five-course dinner with paired wines for a restaurant "full of celebrating couples." This doesn't strike me as that difficult a task for it to be the one that would have decided who wasn't going to Hawaii had Cliff not thugged himself out of the competition. It is the cheftestants' job to make sure they create a special, intimate dinner for the "celebrating couples" to remember. What are they celebrating in mid-January? Edgar Allen Poe's birthday? Regardless, I'd think that being on a television show would be enough to cement the dinner in the diners' minds, and if not, then they have memory issues that no glass of wine or plate of food is going to jog. Son of Sam babbles to us about the stakes being high. I don't care because I hate him. Because SOS won, he gets to decide which course and which protein he would like to prepare. No one else can serve the same protein as him.
The cheftestants gather around and SOS announces he would like to serve the first course but he hasn't decided on the protein. The cheftestants stand around and wait for SOS to make up his damn mind. Marcel babbles to Elia that he might like to do lobster, which is sort of the ultimate Valentine-y dish, so it never should have been such a shock when SOS ended up choosing it. SOS finally announces he's doing a first course of lobster and scallops. Marcel smilingly exaggerates his chagrin. Whatever, dude, do oysters for crêpes sake. Ted Ilan wants the second or third course, and he wants clams. Elia thinks she probably will do dessert but isn't sure yet. SOS points out that whoever does end up doing dessert might get rewarded for taking the risk since none of them are pastry chefs. More boring deliberation from the rest of the cheftestants.
The cheftestants shop at Wild Oats. Cliff restates the challenge for us. Again. Shut up, Cliff. Sam is shopping for his first course of seared scallops and lobster with plum sauce and beets. Ted Ilan shops for his second course of fideos ("small toasted pasta") with clams and a cava-saffron broth. I always thought that fideos is when the pasta is sort of twisted into little nests, but clearly I don't know what I'm talking about because I don't OVERUSE MY SAFFRON!
At the produce section, Marcel swears good-naturedly and laughs when he realizes Son of Sam is using beets. He wanted to use beets, apparently. Be that as it may, Marcel tells us he's not changing his whole dish because of the vegetable. His third course will be salmon with celeriac and beets. What is his obsession of pairing beets and salmon? He and Frank did that in the Jennifer Coolidge challenge. Because they try to force out-of-season seasonal challenges on them like Thanksgiving and Christmas, I get so confused what time of year it really is. Celeriac -- aka celery root -- is a big, round, nobbly brown root that sort of looks like a jicama and is white on the inside. It has a deep celery taste and is often used as a velvety puree or in a soup. It's also closely associated with fall and winter dishes. As are beets. However, in California, you can pretty much get celeriac and beets year-round, so it's not like they are available only in the winter/fall. I think it's still sort of summer in LA -- couldn't Marcel have found some relatively good asparagus and roasted those to be served on the side of the salmon? Salmon and asparagus are a pretty classic pair, and asparagus are supposedly sensual and also an aphrodisiac. It has to do with eating them with your fingers, or their phallic shape, or something. I don't know, according to the cookbook, Intercourses, "great French lovers of yesteryear dined on three courses of [asparagus] on the night before the wedding." Wouldn't want to be cleaning those bathrooms the morning after. Cliff, for his fourth course, will be doing sirloin with a lentil purée and some sort of plum jam. That is going to be a very brown plate. Elia has landed on dessert and is going to reproduce her Quickfire Kiss that Ripert liked so much. She's going to fill a puff pastry heart with the chocolate cremeaux -- which Bravo graphics are now just calling mousse because they are as worn out as I am -- and serve it with a chocolate heart. Chocolate, the first chapter in Intercourses, is very sensual. By the way, asparagus is the second chapter. Okay, I'll stop with my asparagus obsession, which even I am finding bizarre at this point. How good an idea is it for Elia to go back and reproduce a dish for a guest judge that she just executed? It seems like she'd get dinged for not being original.
The cheftestants trek to Santa Barbara, shop for their wines, and then go to the restaurant to prepare for the dinner. Colicchio is at the restaurant to greet them and points back to a very small and messy kitchen where they will be cooking for the thirty guests. He tells them to get back into the kitchen and start straightening it out. Colicchio gives them five hours and starts the clock. Food flurry. The cheftestants bitch about the size of the kitchen and argue over sink use. Marcel asks if people can please keep the refrigerator doors closed. Doesn't seem unreasonable. Cliff bitches to us that Marcel has gotten under his skin before, he let it go, but he's annoying him again. And you're going to do something about that annoyance, aren't you Cliff? Food flurry. Son of Sam pauses his flurry to tell the cameras, "So, I'm doing beets and Marcel's doing beets. Seems a little silly to me, but that's his choice." That's okay, SOS, you can get your revenge on Marcel's silly beets when you sit idly by and laugh while Cliff shoves his face in the carpet. Cliff, not looking up from his prep, tells the cameras, "This is, like, the last battle you'll fight until the finals. And I want to go to the finals, so I don't plan on doing anything to screw that up." Can you rub your sirloin with some minced hubris please, Cliff? It will just make it all the more delectable. Son of Sam asks around if people will be able to help him plate. Elia agrees, Marcel doesn't think he can. Son of Sam repeats the scenario to us and adds, "Marcel's very adolescent in his ways, at times, and this is just showcasing that." But ganging up on a guy isn't adolescent at all, is it Sam? Dink. Marcel tells us he was just being honest about his time. Considering how Ted Ilan seemed to successfully lobby all the cheftestants not to help Marcel during the Seven Deadly Sins challenge, I'm not even going to get into that petty fight. Furthermore, given that we are this far into the Elimination Challenge and still have more than half the episode to go, Bravo clearly didn't mean this episode to be about the Elimination Challenge. Or the food.
The diners and judges arrive. There's a boring segment of going around the room to meet all the couples and hear their hook-up stories, but as no one lived in the "willage" or compared their husband to a melon, I'm not remotely interested. They do have a token gay couple and some token racial couples, though. Son of Sam serves his first course of Organic Beets and Seared Scallops with a Lobster-Umeboshi Plum Sauce with Baby Asian Greens. Umeboshi plums -- which are pickled Japanese plums -- are supposedly good for constipation. I'm just saying, it's right there as the first Google hit. ["I can't believe the first hit didn't have something to do with this." -- Joe R] Maybe SOS should eat one to give himself a new expression. Oh, and by the way, Sam, what's you're obsession with pickles? Eleven dishes, eleven pickles! Hear how ridiculous that sounds, jackass? Son of Sam paired his dish with a 2003 Chappellet Chenin Blanc. I think Chappellet is the most beautiful vineyard I've ever visited. It has an amazing view of valleys and lakes in Napa, and you're far, far away from the madding crowd and continuous traffic of Yountville. The judges like the dish and wine pairing. Diners also like the dish.
Ted Ilan seems to be taking up way too many burners as he plates his clam dish. Of course, when Marcel is SELFISH enough to ask for the use of one burner, Ted Ilan has to be a little bitch about it and snaps, "Marcel, you have to wait a second." Oooh, he snapped at Marcel! By his own logic, Marcel is now relieved of helping him plate. Marcel complains to us about having to pick up thirty different pieces of fish from one burner. Cliff and Sam help Ted Ilan plate. Out in the dining room, women seem to be feeding their dates, even though I'm pretty sure everyone has the exact same dish. The judges tuck into Ted Ilan's Fideos with Clams and Saffron, which is paired with a Naveran Brut Reserva Blanc de Blancs NV. "Blanc de Blancs" just means it's a white sparkling wine made exclusively from white grapes. "Blanc de Noirs" would make it a sparkling rosé because it is a white wine made from red grapes. Both of those are what the French use when describing their Champagnes, the "Blanc de Blancs" would refer to the exclusive use of Chardonnay grapes, and the "Blanc de Noirs" would normally be for Pinot Noir grapes. However, as is his Spanish wont, Ted Ilan is serving a Cava, which is a sparkling Spanish wine, and so their specific grapes are going to be very different. They've just co-opted the French terminology because people are familiar with it. The "NV" means "non-vintage". The judges like the dish and the wine pairing.
In the kitchen, Marcel darts around preparing the course, and we hear Son of Sam telling Cliff that he'll come back when it's Cliff's turn to serve because he doesn't plan on helping Marcel. Because Marcel didn't help him. Who's being adolescent now, Sam? Marcel asks Cliff if he wants to help out. Marcel tells us that no one would help him out. There's a crash in the kitchen and the camera looks over to see a pan of salmon on the floor. I don't know for certain whether Cliff intentionally knocked the salmon to the ground or if he just couldn't catch it, as he tells us. Given what happens later, I would not put sabotage past Cliff, but I really believe that it just fell.
After the commercial, Son of Sam tells us, "For a minute, I thought about not helping Marcel. I'm not that guy; I wanted to be." No, you're just that guy who stands by and laughs while someone is attacked by someone else twice their size. Congrats, Sam, you are That Guy. Marcel remedies his salmon situation by simply serving smaller pieces of salmon. His third course of Alaskan King Troll Caught Salmon with Beets, Celeriac, and Herb Salad is served with a New Zealand Sauvignon Blanc from Cloudy Bay. I believe that's the Sauvignon Blanc that is popularly believed to have made New Zealand wines famous. Some diners bitch about the beets but others like them. Over at the judges' table, Colicchio snarks on the very thin heart-shaped potatoes that seam up the middle of the salmon fillet. "Oh, my god, that is SO precious," Gail says. Hard to tell if she's being sarcastic or not. Ripert says the salmon is "very rich" and Colicchio adds that because of that, the dish is "crying out for acid." "Lemon juice!" Padmadala announces. Yes, very good, dear, lemon juice is an acid. Go eat your fish. Ripert thinks the Sauvignon Blanc has a "certain acidity" that goes well with the salmon. I haven't heard him say that the dish needs more acid, so I always took his comment about the wine to mean that the acidity of the wine balances the richness of the salmon.
In the kitchen, Cliff gets his beef ready. He tells us, "Romance to me is fatty and sensual." Well, stay away from Padmadala then. As Marcel helps Cliff plate, Cliff orders Marcel to "check that steak for [him]." Marcel tells us that Cliff plays it safe, probably hoping that someone will screw up so badly that it won't be noticed how safe Cliff played it. Cliff's Seared Grass-fed Sirloin with Lentil Purée, Garlic Confit, Pearl Onions, and Plum is paired with a 2004 Blackabilly Shiraz from Australia. Padmadala looks at her meat and exclaims, "Oh, that's rare!" like it's a bad thing. Colicchio offers to swap plates. I have to say, from the photos, that's exactly how I like my meat. "I want the not bloody one, yeah," Padmadala whines, passing her plate over. Colicchio wonders what's the point of pureeing lentils. I was sort of wondering that myself. They would get all pasty and thick instead of being nice, firm, slightly slippery little discs. "Oh, that's what it is!" Gail exclaims with extreme animation. Didn't you read your menu, Gail? It's not like this was a big surprise. "Strange," Ripert mutters Frenchly to himself but it's not clear if he's talking about Gail or the lentils. "These greens are worthless," Colicchio announces. What greens? I mean, I see them on the plate but I didn't read about them in the menu pass-through Bravo gave us. They sort of look like sugar snap peas sliced into small pieces. "It's kind of like, um... 'ohtel, 'ohtel," Ripert muses searching for the right "how you say." "Hotel food," Colicchio helps. "Hotel food!" Ripert agrees. Gail is all, "Yeah!" but when is she not?
In the kitchen, Elia meticulously does plate designs with a squeeze bottle of berry coulis. Man, I am so envious of how perfectly and steadily she can do those designs. My squeeze bottles are so dusty because I gave up years ago on perfecting the Jackson Pollocking of my presentation. Son of Sam tells her she needs to speed it up. We see a clock ticking down from one minute left, which is clearly erroneous because Elia takes more than a minute to deal with her mini meltdown. Looking at her chocolate-covered sheet pan, Elia dramatically whines, "I'm screwed." The chocolate that she layered over the back of a sheet pan in a lacy pattern and chilled in the walk-in is not coming up when she tries to cut out the heart shapes. Did she spray the back of the pan first? I would think that was a no-brainer for her. Then again, I also thought that defending Marcel from Cliff would also be a no-brainer for her, so what do I know? Son of Sam tries to help while Elia keeps whining and bitching and moaning. Finally -- after WAY too much coaxing -- she gives in and agrees to forgo the chocolate heart and instead serve pieces of broken chocolate lace. She whines a lot, though, people. She says she quits and she just isn't going to try and doesn't care which plates go to the judges... and just, shut UP, Elia! The desserts are served. Elia continues to bitch to us and to Ted Ilan in the back of the kitchen.
The dessert is well received. Colicchio admits, "It was good, but I'm reading the menu and... " and guess what? He wants to know where his chocolate heart is because the menu says it's there and he feels gypped. By the way, Elia's dessert is paired with a Santa Barbara Winery Zinfandel "Essence" from the Santa Ynez Valley. What the heck is a wine "essence"? It sounds on par with air, foams, and smokes, but I guess it's supposed to be a dessert wine. In the back, Elia continues to bitch. God, enough already, Elia! You already paired your whine, so shut up! Drunkenly, Ted Ilan tells her, "Elia! You're CRAZY!"
Back in the dining room. Gail is saying that it's the best food they've seen so far. "I didn't get the romance," Colicchio shrugs squintingly. Padmadala insists that the dessert was very romantic. Ripert says, using his hands to help his English, "The scallop had a very feminine... I found it very romantic." Okay, so maybe those hands weren't to help his English. They were explaining a cup size. Basically, I think Colicchio is trying to bring all the other judges all down.
The cheftestants take turns talking to us about their chances to go to Hawaii, but none of it is very interesting or pertinent. Ted Ilan tells us that as it was their last challenge before Hawaii, they asked to borrow a camera. Yeah, but why? Because they already had a plan that would be worth filming? I think it's such an odd request. "Oh, we just want to cut loose and relax and since we don't have enough cameras in our faces all the livelong day, we want another one." I don't buy it. Ted Ilan says, "We're sort of loopy and excited and... " And drunk, and mobbish, and assholes. Ted Ilan says they realized they needed to "get some drinks in [their] bodies, tout suite" even though we saw him half-drunkenly counseling Elia with a glass of wine in hand the restaurant. In the dark of the loft, Cliff pulls a beer from near the sleeping figure of Marcel and says, "We're taping and I'm drinking a beer." Wanna cookie?
Ted Ilan continues his narration and tells us that Elia has always wanted to shave her head. It will become pretty clear in a moment that at this point, Marcel has already been attacked by Cliff, yet Elia, Sam, Ted Ilan, and Cliff are going on their merry way to having a high old time in shaving Elia and Ted Ilan's heads. What twunts. Anyway, there's a lot of stupid drunken laughter about Elia shaving her head, so Ted Ilan -- no doubt to get some of the attention as well -- announces that if she does it, he will do it as well. However, so eager is he to be the center of all things that he shaves his head first. , Elia shaves her head. Son of Sam and Cliff exclaim variously over this amazing feat, like any of us really give a fart. I guess Sam wusses out on the head shaving. According to Ted Ilan, that is, because we never heard Son of Sam saying he would give up his grease-saturated sumotori topknot for anything. During one of her interviews with the camera, in a moment that called back all sorts of Melrose Place Campus Club memories for the Evil Dr. Mathra, Elia pulls of that red headband and weird attached mop of Soul-Glo'd curls and exposes her bald head. Too bad she isn't also sporting an angry red jagged skull scar. Elia laughs joyfully at the camera and rubs her new Sinead. After she is fully bald, Elia says, "I just want to see tomorrow all of us with our hair like this [Except wussy-man Sam I Am] and Marcel --" Here is where she makes a buck-toothed cartoonish face and motions an elaborate hair coif with her hands while making dorky noises. Bitch. This is after -- AFTER! -- they allowed Cliff to attack Marcel and this is how she acts? HATE!
Bravo has Cliff employ this bit of revisionist history for us, "And then we realized that seeing as how it is our last Elimination Challenge, we thought it would be a good idea to try and shave Marcel's head." He then smiles. Dick, hate, DICK! He doesn't get it. He just doesn't get how wrong this was to do. "And from there, things just basically got a little out of hand," Son of Sam tells us. "Basically"? "A little"?? Cliff then -- with Ted Ilan, the eager camera man following him -- goes and seems to kneel on a sleeping Marcel and turn him over on the couch. Marcel kicks and flights Cliff, as Cliff tries to grab hold of his hands to restrain him. It's silent except for Marcel saying things like, "Get off me, dude." Cliff then wrestles Marcel to the floor and holds him down while Ted Ilan sycophantically bleats, "Samuel, Samuel! Let's go! Let's go!" No response. "Sam, let's go!" Ted Ilan insists. Nothing. Just huge Cliff holding skinny Marcel to the floor. Marcel struggles while Cliff twines his arms around Marcel's shoulders and revolves them back to clasp his hamhands behind Marcel's head. I don't know anything about wrestling but I do know that standing up, the position Cliff has Marcel in would be a full-nelson. On the floor, I don't know what it is but it looks scary. Ted Ilan screams, "Sam, come ON! What the fuck are you doing? He's holding him down, come on!" Someone's laughing. It's not Marcel. It's not me. It looks like Cliff. The camera pans over to show Sam just lounging on the couch, feet up, laughing and watching and DOING NOTHING. You're a great executive chef, dickwad. Ted Ilan keeps screeching, panting for something more to happen. "Come on, Sam!" Ted Ilan pleads, like the pathetic, needy wuss he is. "I didn't really think he was actually going to -- it was weird. It was an uncomfortable situation for all parties involved," Sam tells us. Yeah, you looked mighty uncomfortable laughing from that black leather couch of yours. Asswipe. "Elia! Come here!" Ted Ilan -- I'm pretty sure that's his nasty little voice and not Marcel's -- screams. "I cannot!" Elia calls back and you know she knows EXACTLY what's going down. HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATE! "He's holding him down for nothing?!" Ted Ilan calls incredulously. We see Cliff push Marcel's face to the floor again and wrestle to keep him down. Marcel tells us calmly, "I was... rudely awakened by Cliff. I'm like, 'Is this for real? Like what the fuck is going on right now? Why is there this big guy on top of me? Like, why am I, like, eating the carpet? Like, what are those fucking clippers doing over there?'" We see Cliff dangle Marcel OFF THE FLOOR in a full-Nelson before he finally lets Marcel go. Marcel tells us that he broke free and got really angry. He leaves the room, and we hear Ted Ilan bleat, "Come on -- apologize to him!" in that giggly tone of voice that is totally insincere and really imparts the bullying sentiment, "Come on, apologize to the widdle baby so he doesn't go an cwy himself to sweep!" He got such glee in him. It's the glee of being with the cool kids. The glee of probably once being bullied himself and now delighting in his cadre of burly friends who actually like him and who will now support and join in on him bullying someone else. It's the glee of the pathetic. Ted Ilan should have been booted with Cliff. Same for Sam. In fact, get rid of all of them and declare this season a total and embarrassing wash.
This is where the conspiracy revisioning happens. You can see someone kneeling on the ground in the corner as Marcel stalks off -- go over to Amuse-Biatch and looks at the stills -- I freeze-framed all of this and checked it out. It really appears to be Elia and she's not bald, and that's why I'm saying they went off AFTER this disgusting attack on Marcel and had a high-old time shaving their pathetic little heads. There's another point where Ted Ilan's camera face swings around and catches the Elia figure walking toward him. Yet Bravo, in all their creative editing, wanted us to think that the timeline was reversed. Why? I really don't know, unless they were trying their damnedest to whitewash Elia's image since she will ultimately win this competition. I don't know any advance information, it's just a gut feeling I've had since the fourth episode. Just put me on Team I Don't Give a Black Bone. I don't love Marcel, but the antics of the last few episodes has made me feel really sorry for him. I certainly don't hate him, and I almost want him to win to teach all these freak-ass bullies a lesson. Almost. However, I don't think he's the best chef either, and I know I'm repeating myself but I'm just so irritated with this season and I want it done. No one really deserves to win this year. I can't freaking wait for Jericho and the sanity of a nuclear holocaust where bullies get caught in the crosshairs of a sniper's rifle and drinking iodine tinctures is advised. Sigh. Where's my iodine tincture, I ask you. WHERE'S MY IODINE TINCTURE!?
Marcel slams the double doors behind him and he's wearing a tank top and pants. Remember that. Cliff tells us, "Obviously, he was upset about it because who really wants to have head almost shaved?" I think he was more upset by your huge ass attacking him and holding him down, whatever the reason. Jacktwit. "And," Cliff continues, "it was a stupid plan or 'joke'." Cliff, go air-quote your face. In a C-clamp. I don't know what I mean by that, but I think it would hurt. Back in the loft, Sam -- on his couch -- waves at Ted Ilan's camera face and whispers, "Go in there!" And he's still smiling over the hilarity of the attack. Now here's another bit of a jump. Ted Ilan's camera face appears in a darkened room, and Marcel is now shirtless and in his boxers. Marcel charges at the camera, telling him to "get the fuck outta here, dude." He never drops the "dudes," even when enraged. He shoves the camera away. Marcel tells us, "I left the room and ran down the hall and slept in [sic] the bathroom floor." However, that comment from Marcel is accompanying shots of Marcel back in his tank and pants, gathering up bedding. So, Ted Ilan and the camera went back to harass Marcel way after the attack? Repulsive.
The morning, Clifford of Donnybrook Fair is snuggled deep in his bed while visions of Sugar Ray Leonard dance in his head. For some reason we zoom in on a photo of Elia and some guy. Sorry, still don't care about her. Marcel is seen packing up his stuff and he tells us, "Woke up this morning in the bathroom, I was a little bit cold because I didn't have any blankets and I have rug burn on my elbows on my arms." In the loft, he tells the cameras that he can't wait to get back to his regular life and not have to live with or deal with "these people that are like... whatever." Ted Ilan sits on his bed and tells the cameras, "Marcel was bitter a bit earlier, but he's sort of calmed down. I think he was treated unfairly." "Bitter"? "Calmed down"? I just... I can't. Words fail at the cocksuckertude of this little shrinky dink. Oh, and "he was treated unfairly"? Way to be vague! How about YOU treated HIM unfairly?! Ted Ilan -- to his stupidity -- continues, "Last night... I thought, I think that he was manhandled a bit and we were all sort of... in a moment." If I ever run into you on the street, I hope that I too will be "sort of in a moment." Don't come cooking to San Francisco, dude, I'm warning you. Cliff packs his stuff and tells us, "I do feel bad for physically touching Marcel." "Touching." "TOUCHING"!? Are you freaking kidding me with this, Cliff? Do you really think ANYONE is going to buy this crap, this "I barely touched him and he bruised like a peach" load of stank? We ALL saw what you did, we ALL WATCHED IT ON TELEVISION! Own up to your mess, you colossal turd! Cliff goes on, "It was a stupid joke, it was a stupid decision and I totally regret it." Yeah, you regret being tossed off the show on your stupid, jokey ass. By the way, there are absolutely NO clips of Elia saying that she feels bad for any of it. It still could be Bravo spin trying to distance her from the prank, hoping we would actually believe that she didn't know what was going on because she was unable to come into the room. But no. The lack of Elia's remorse just shouts out her involvement.
Colicchio walks in and for once I am thrilled beyond belief to see him. As soon as he walked in, I was like, "Aw, yeah, now it is ON!" because if anyone can do the slap-down in a righteous way, it's Colicchio. Marcel looks at him warily. Apparently, the producers had to come to Marcel and ask him what happened. So even though Marcel would have been well within his rights to "tattle" on such ridiculous behavior, he didn't. Ted Ilan pulls his pathetic self half off the couch and looks blearily up at Colicchio. "Wake up," Colicchio tells him. He then tells everyone to leave while he "has a discussion" with Cliff. Colicchio softballs the whole thing by saying that he's sure Cliff didn't mean any harm and goes on, "But once you physically handled him, it crossed the line from a simple prank to something much more serious. You broke the rules and we're going to have to ask you to leave." Colicchio actually sounds sort of choked up here. Maybe he's just really uncomfortable. By the way, when Colicchio was talking, we got a cut to Cliff holding Marcel down and it has been very dramatically black-and-whited. Cliff totally boggles at Colicchio. He really can't believe he's being sent home for this. Well, you're a dumbass and deserve to leave. Colicchio goes on that the rules clearly state, "if you touch another contestant in an aggressive manner, you're out." Cliff just sits there. "And unfortunately, you know the rules," Colicchio adds lamely. Cliff comes to some sort of conclusion in his head and nods at Colicchio. "Okay?" Colicchio confirms. Cliff nods. Colicchio tells Cliff he can pack up his stuff and say goodbye to everyone. Cliff silently shakes Colicchio's hand and gets up. Cliff tells us, "To come this far and to do something as stupid as this, yeah, it's uh -- I kicked myself in the ass, now I'll pay for it, so I won't go to Hawaii." Damn straight.
Colicchio rejoins the other cheftestants and tells them what went down. They don't say anything. I hope they all -- excluding Marcel -- are embarrassed because they all had a hand in Cliff going home. Any one of them could have stopped him. Cliff should've stopped himself, but they shouldn't have egged him on. And I still include Elia in that. They're all to blame. Colicchio adds, "We do have a competition here, and we want it to be about the food [Yeah, good luck.], so there is a Judges' Table tonight and we'll see the four of you there." Colicchio leaves. The cheftestants are silent. Ted Ilan tells us, "I feel bad about it, but there's nothing I can do to change the past." Go to hell. Cliff comes in and starts saying his goodbyes with man hugs for the boys and kisses for Elia. Cliff -- not apologizing to Marcel -- shakes his hand and man-hugs him, saying nothing. Marcel, showing infinitely more class, tells Cliff to take it easy and says he's sorry for how things worked out. If there's one thing I know, it's that Marcel has no need to be sorry. Cliff won't even really look Marcel in the eye as he immediately turns to Sam and bangs fists. We now cut back to Cliff saying to Marcel, "It was a joke that got way out of control and I apologize. There are no ill feelings, it was just one of those stupid things and I'm sorry." Marcel accepts this. Cliff tells us that his actions toward Marcel were, in his words, "incredibly stupid" and he wants to take them back. But you can't and now you're gone, lalalalalala! Cliff wishes everyone good luck and leaves. Elia touches her baldness reflectively. Maybe she'll get up on stage, tear a photo of Marcel in half, and order us all to "Foam the real enemy!" Marcel tells us that he feels really bad about how the whole thing unfolded because he knows Cliff's rep could be tarnished. Marcel adds that he thinks Cliff is an excellent cook, "even though this was kind of major." Cliff tells us, "I really wish Marcel all the best -- go cook your ass off, kid." So, Cliff finally puts his dick away and goes home.
Judges' Table. Remember the food they cooked all those minutes ago? Well, don't worry, we're going to be reminded of it. Colicchio brings the other judges up to speed on the events. Gail and Padmadala goggle. Colicchio explains that he and the producers decided that Cliff should leave. Calling their act "cruel" and "ridiculous" Colicchio blogged that he wanted to send everyone home and let Marcel win by default. Of course, he wasn't allowed. I hate Bravo's overwrought site, so I rarely read the blogs, but I loved reading Colicchio's and Harold's this week -- especially because Colicchio is in no way holding Elia to be blameless, and Harold expresses his deep disgust for the cheftestants' asinine behavior.
Back to the Judges' Table. They talk about the food and how it was the best yet, and Padmadala points out that they actually liked Cliff's food least. Gail and Padmadala go back to talking about how the whole thing with Marcel could have been a dangerous situation. Finally, Padmadala crosses her arms firmly and decides, "Let's bring them out -- I also want to talk to them about their behavior yesterday." Okay, Mom. Colicchio says, "I think you're going to be in for quite a surprise when you see them." The cheftestants file in. Padmadala gapes at the shaven heads, Gail seems to giggle. Ted Ilan, the ass, is grinning broadly at their reactions, while Elia -- who seems to have some sense of proportion about what serious shit they just avoided -- isn't smiling at all. Ted Ilan is stupid and young and in no way does he deserve to win this. "I don't know what you guys were thinking," Padmadala bursts out. Ted Ilan blathers about the drinking and craziness and things getting "a little out of hand." Marcel just keeps his eyes on the floor. Colicchio turns to Sam and says, "Sam, you run a kitchen -- is this the way you conduct yourself in your kitchen?" "No, I don't," Son of Sam says seriously. Say that one ten times fast. Colicchio doesn't understand why no one stopped Cliff or said "lay off." Padmadala laughs with Marcel that she's sure he did. Gail and Padmadala lay into them for putting so much on the line after coming so far. After Gail goes on a bit about how being a chef is about being a leader, Padmadala thinks to ask Marcel if he's okay. "Yeah, you know, I'm fine," Marcel says, smiling. "Well, I'm sorry, Marcel, that it happened to you," Padmadala tells him. "No apology necessary from you," Marcel says. Damn straight. Has Son of Sam, Ted Ilan, or Elia even thought to apologize to him? Finally, they get to talking about the food. "Because actually, you idiots," Padmadala says, "the food yesterday was really, really good." Ripert agrees with this assessment, so does Gail. They start picking on little things. Ripert brings up the lack of acidity in Marcel's dish, and when Colicchio asks Marcel if he thinks the dish should put him in the finals, Marcel says he's proud of his dish. Oh, this is tiresome -- they nit-pick little things, all of which we heard them discuss at the restaurant, and then send them off while they deliberate.
More nit-picking of little things -- especially for Marcel and Elia. They try to make us believe they aren't sending all four of them to Hawaii, even going so far as to say they were disappointed in Marcel and Elia. So, what? Are we supposed to pretend we didn't just hear them say that this was the best food yet? POINT-LESS! They call the cheftestants back in and tell them that Sam and Ted Ilan are going to Hawaii. I want to just slap that smug mouth of Ted Ilan's into the middle of week. Padmadala then says, "I'm very sorry. Elia, Marcel -- I'm going to have to ask you both to pack your knives... And go. To. Hawaii!" Padma, that was rather mean. Ted Ilan immediately hugs Elia as everyone laughs at Padmadala's funny. Marcel pulls a Billy Idol and dances with himself. Son of Sam man-hugs Marcel. As does Ted Ilan. Ted Ilan then blathers to us about going surfing and having to do sit-ups and why do I care? Oh right, I don't. Shut up, Ted Ilan. The cheftestants are congratulated by the judges and they all tell us how excited they are. I'm not. I'm done. I don't care. I just want it over. Then we hear Marcel say, "Surf's up, brah!" and I lose it in hysterical giggles. He's such a dork.
week: Hawaii. Ted Ilan's still a bitch, Marcel's sideburns are longer, and he tells someone to "just fucking say it." Fun times.