By Keckler
Marcel raps. I don't even think I need to write anything else, because Marcel? He RAPPED! But far from being street, it really had that weird slam-poetry vibe. He's so white. I have to admit, though, it was the most hysterical thing I've seen in a long time. Can't you just see him in a black turtleneck and dark glasses, peering through a smoke-hazed coffeehouse where all his listeners are high or Bob Dylan?
Sadly, a recapper can't live on rap alone -- if so, "Christmas in Hollis" would carry me through all of 2007 -- so, I'll tell you that the Quickfire brought the ever-PLEASANT Mike Yakura back to our television sets. He judged the cheftestants' Kraft-sponsored snacks, and the whole time I was screaming, "Where are my plastic-wrapped caramels? How come no mac and cheese? Dammit -- microwave me some trashy pre-shredded cheddar on Triscuits!" Yakura picks two winners -- Marcel and his lamb kabobs with curry mayo (although, considering it was Kraft, I think it was curry Miracle Whip, which makes me retch five different ways), and Sam's take on Po'Boys.
The real challenge comes with the Elimination bit, when the remaining six divide into two teams and have to open a "raw restaurant space." Sound familiar? It should -- they did the same thing last season. However, this time, instead of sticking the cheftestants in an actual space on busy Market Street in San Francisco, the perspiring grease monkeys have to deal with Yet Another Westfield Mall. Team Marcel contains Elia and Cliff, who do an upscale diner, and Team Sam combines the serial killer, Mike, and Ted Ilan for their take on Italian dining.
Both teams bomb out on front-of-the-house service -- that would be Cliff and Ted Ilan's faults -- and the food wasn't really that good either. Tempura veggies came out as the only winner, and you can thank Marcel for those. Where to put Team Sam's olive pits seemed to be a well-documented concern for some people, but Team Marcel's undercooked chicken drumstick in coffee barbecue sauce isn't anything to be sneezed at. Or food poisoned by.
It all shakes out with Michael getting knifed, largely for not really doing anything during the entire challenge, and also for not buying plates on which to put those Machiavellian olive pits.
And then there were five.
Shall we talk about previously on Top Chef? Well, I could not be any happier that Betty's gone; I'm especially happy that Marcel outlasted her. You know, I had no reason to ever champion Marcel until Betty led the bully parade that has continually stomped all over him throughout the season. I don't even particularly LIKE Marcel, nor do I think he should win, but I absolutely refuse to stand by and say nothing while this pile-on of bullies continues to trump up erroneous statements and pass them off as fact.
I took the time to do what anyone at Bravo could have done, I went into my Top Chef archives and I counted -- I COUNTED -- how many foams Marcel has done. You might say, "Wow, what a colossal waste of time," but see, I believe in having an informed rant. Unlike the judges, I want all the facts in front of me before I announce or denounce something. Do you want to know how many foams Marcel has made on this show? Including last week's double feature? FIVE. And one of those shouldn't even count; remember the cocktails Quickfire? Michael made a Guinness foam, Ted Ilan had an egg white foam on his cocktail, Elia's cappuccino cocktail had foam, and Marcel had milk foam on his coffee cocktail. So, what I'm saying is, milk foam on coffee isn't really a molecular gastronomy foam; it's about as cutting edge as a puree. Furthermore, among Marcel's four legitimate foams, one -- the Thanksgiving foam -- was done because the cheftestants were specifically instructed to be CUTTING EDGE in their dishes. Bourdain even PRAISED Marcel's use of foams in that episode. Do you know what that means, Son of Sam? There haven't been nine foams in nine episodes, so you can just kiss my aspic. So can Padmadala, matter of fact, since she stated that they have "had foam at every meal."
Including the cocktail foam, which, as I've already ranted, shouldn't even be considered a real foam, there have been five foams confined to three episodes. In fact, he didn't have ANY foams until episode six, which is when Frank made his dumbass statement about Marcel's dishes all being carbon copies of each other.
Finally, Ted Ilan has fully come out of the closet as the dick I always suspected him to be. I am giddy over the judges calling him on bashing Marcel's dish. His bandwagon-jumping of "Let's not help Marcel" was weakly and pathetically based on Marcel "snapping" at Betty. Marcel didn't snap at the precious and sensitive Miss Betty. He was frantic to bring his dish back before it was served too soon. It wasn't even close to the tone Cliff used with Elia and the M.E.C. server in this episode. However, both Ted Ilan and Betty decided to take serious umbrage that Marcel spoke in less than cooing tones and hurt her fragile feelings. Please. Nothing about that woman is fragile. Except maybe her over-processed hair.
Elia gazes over at Betty's empty bed and tells us how weird it was. And by "weird" she means "quiet." Mike's mouth still looks a bit screwed up as he recounts for us that he made Top Chef history by being the first to win both the Quickfire and the Elimination. Elia wonders where Marcel is. "Crying," Michael scoffs. Um, have we ever seen Marcel cry? "I think he's on the roof. Trying to jump," Son of Sam adds. Yeah, aside from Elia? I really don't like any of these people anymore. I thought Son of Sam was cool until he instigated the Frank vs. Marcel Toothbrush Grudge Match, and now he's just being a dick all over the place. Marcel may be annoying and pompous but he sure as hell doesn't seem to instigate much. Instead, he has to deal with a loft full of bullies just constantly piling on. I hate bullies.
On the roof, Marcel tells the cameras that he has no problems keeping himself company and prefers it to that of the company of "some of [his] competition." He calls himself "The Outcast" -- do you think he's mentally spelling that "Outkast"? -- before he launches into a few seconds of unrelieved hilarity. Marcel raps. Or I should say he "raps" because it came off more like slam poetry than anything else. I'm going to have to transcribe it.
"These People: For All the Haters Out There"
As soon as I came to this spot
You started trying to make me out to be something I'm not
It's taken every ounce that I've got
Not to pop you in the face
And you have no grounds to base your accusations off of
Because you're building's built on quicksand
You say my food lacks fundamentals like salt 'n' peppa
And I'm, like, Yo man, whatevah.
[The following is done apparently by memory. He's no longer reading if off his little Sam Spade private eye-issue notepad.] I don't even get stressed
Because I know at the end of the day
My food is fucking soigné.
What more can I add to that? The guy built a rhyme around "salt 'n' peppa"! ["I want to throw him off the roof." -- Joe R] The cameras artistically show Marcel walking away on the roof, saying, "Sheeet" with all the panache of someone whiter than whipped cream trying to speak in Ebonics. Marcel goes back downstairs to the loft and joins the other cheftestants as they head out.
In the Krapmore Kitchens, Padmadala introduces them to Mike Yakura, their guest judge. Those of us who suffered through Chef Yakura last season will remember him as the guy who dinged Harold for his avocado and tuna combo and also delivered the promo-worthy line, "It's a fucking burrito" to Andrea and Miguel during the street cart food challenge. No longer with Le Colonial, Padmadala announces that Yakura is the executive chef of Sutra and Aura. What is with Yakura's HAIR? He's completely bald except for one black snatch of hair at the front of his scalp. And the snatch is slicked back to look like a Mohawk? He looks like a confused Hare Krishna.
After a long wind-up, Padmadala tells them the name of the QF is the Kraft Gourmet Snack Challenge. They have to recreate snacks using Kraft Mayonnaise, Zesty Italian Dressing, or Kraft Original Barbecue Sauce. Kraft Mayonnaise is different from Miracle Whip, right? Because Miracle Whip is the nastiest. ["Ooh! I get to be the expert at last! Yes, Kraft has a mayo wholly separate from disgusting Miracle Whip." -- Joe R] Cliff comments this will be difficult for him because mayonnaise is not usually used in gourmet cooking. I assume he's differentiating jarred mayo from homemade mayo? I mean there's aioli, which has come to be synonymous for any flavored mayo, but was originally only supposed to be specifically garlic-flavored mayo. But making your own mayonnaise or aioli is pretty gourmet. And time consuming. And annoying. All that careful whisking to emulsify the oil, vinegar, and egg yolk together? Painful. Yakura blathers a bit before the cheftestants are sent off to Food Flurry. Son of Sam sort of unintelligibly tells us how much he loves mayonnaise. His parents sent him to culinary school and spent a ton of money and he came out with a deep love for mayonnaise. Marcel explains he's doing lamb kabobs with curry mayo and smiles at us, "Everybody loves meat on a stick." Mike tells us, "I love mayo, man, I'll eat it right out of the can." What scares me more, that Mike EATS mayo out of a can or that he eats mayo out of a CAN? He's going to make a crab-brie quesadilla with a mayo salad, and he's very proud of it. Ted Ilan is making napoleons and is attempting a Zesty Italian foam specifically to make fun of Marcel. Wow, he's really obsessed with Marcel, isn't he? I mean, he just can't leave the kid alone! Seek help, Ted Ilan. Time's up.
Marcel tells us, "In all honesty, I looked around at all the other dishes and I have the utmost confidence." In what? What a weird place to cut him off -- they could've taken that sound clip from any episode. Yakura tries Marcel's lamb kabobs and calls them "fantastic." Moving on to Cliff, Yakura chews over his plate of steak tartare with mayo, cornichons, and plums and says, "Very nice." Son of Sam explains that since he's from the South, he decided to do a take on the lobster po'boy sandwich. He made pickled peaches by marinating them in Zesty Italian dressing and then combined them with chili-tempura-battered shrimp on bread with barbecue aioli. Yakura calls it, "Interesting!" Mike presents his brie-crab quesadilla, which he garnished with a chipotle salsa. Mike calls it, "Chipoltay." "Chipotlay," Padmadala corrects. "Chipoltay," Mike repeats. "ChipotLAY," Padmadala laughs again. You'd think Mike could get "lay" right. But maybe he only understands it in past tense. The other cheftestants laugh at Michael's verbal shortcomings. Yakura asks, smiling, "You think seafood and cheese... ?" "I like it," Mike says quickly. "All right," Yakura smiles. I suppose this isn't the right time to tell Yakura of my deep and abiding love for Crab Rangoon? All other cheese and seafood combos I could do without, but Crab Rangoon is swoon-worthy. Especially when it comes from The Lotus in Minneapolis where they sometimes add curry to the cream cheese. Of course, given that Crab Rangoon are not traditionally Chinese -- possibly invented by Victor Bergeron of Trader Vic's -- I'm sure Yakura would sprain his nose sneering at my obsession.
Elia explains her fig raisin toast with yogurt, honey, almonds, grapes, and barbecue sauce. Elia, honey, I love you but what the HELL? It sounds like a plate of pregnancy craving! Although, I'm not one to talk -- I used to spread cream cheese on crackers and top it with barbecue sauce. Yakura likes the smokiness of the barbecue sauce with the almonds and honey. Shows what I know. Yakura and Padmadala move on to Ted Ilan's smoked salmon and tomato napoleon with Zesty Italian Dressing. Ted Ilan explains with an "Oh aren't I just so clever and witty?" look on his face, "I took Zesty Italian Dressing and I tried to foam it, but it didn't really hold. It sort of dissolved." Led by Padmadala, the other cheftestants burst out laughing. I'm sure Yakura is confused by this obvious in-joking. Ted Ilan, can you even foam an oil-based substance? Are you that stupid? Marcel tells us that Ted Ilan was trying to make fun of him and concludes, "'Cause he didn't execute it, I think he made fun of himself." I think he's right.
The cheftestants gather around for Yakura's judgment. He thought Michael's dish was heavy-handed and frenetic. Ted Ilan's napoleon and salmon were both dried out and there wasn't enough sauce. HA! Dick. Yakura loved Sam's dish, gives him props for using all three condiments, and tells him he "really elevated what snack food should be." Yakura also liked Elia's dish, "Very clean, bright flavors, you added a little barbecue sauce, brought out the smokiness of it." Marcel is another one Yakura singles out for props, "Lamb kabob! Technically done very, very well, I think that mayonnaise heightened your dish." Finally, Yakura thinks Cliff's tartare was fantastic and his use of mayonnaise "ingenious." Padmadala VOs that there will be two winners who will get a "special prize." Yakura announces Marcel and Sam as the winners. "I kicked ass today -- woohoo!" Marcel tells us, raising the roof with his hands. Son of Sam perfunctorily shakes Marcel's hand. Padmadala says the winners get to head up and pick teams for the Elimination Challenge. That's their "special prize"? How sad.
The Elimination Challenge this week is for each team to take an unfinished restaurant space in a new Westfield behemoth, create a restaurant concept, and plan and cook a menu. Think last year's Restaurant Wars but more food court-y. They have twenty-four hours. Marcel and Sam choose teams. Team Marcel is Elia and Cliff. Team Serial Killer is Ted Ilan and Mike. After he's chosen for Marcel's team, Cliff tells us, "I've probably wanted to hit Marcel more than five times since I've been here. But I'm gonna put up with him. I wanna win this." Padmadala explains that their space in the Westfield Mall is three weeks away from opening as a "new concept restaurant" called uWink. I wonder what kind of food they serve at a new concept restaurant. What does that even mean? Looking through uWink's menu I see that they make a quesadilla with shrimp and jack cheese. Michael's dish would fit right in. I get it now, the "new concept" part of uWink are the computerized touch screens positioned at each table that the customers use to place their orders. Seems messy.
Padmadala tells them they will have time to discuss their restaurant concept ideas as they drive over the space "in [their] Rav 4s." God, come ON! Rav 4s, Kraft, uWink, Westfield? This episode is so full of product placement it's an infomercial. Team Marcel has their confab where Cliff announces he'll do front of the house. "Really?" Elia asks him. Cliff nods. "I wanted to do eeet," Elia moans to herself. Elia asks Cliff if there's any particular reason why he wants to be FOH. "It's me, it's what I do in my restaurant," Cliff says. Remind me never to go to Cliff's restaurant. Have we seen this guy smile once on this show? Elia drops the subject and concedes that she'll cook. Team Sam talk about doing rustic Tuscan as their concept. Sam is happy with his team, "[Ted] Ilan is a great cook and Mikey's a good guy -- he's crude, he's outrageous." Mike suggests "Tugboats" as a name. Is that supposed to mean something sexual? Because I don't get it. They decide to name the restaurant after all their girlfriends: Lalalina. Sam's girlfriend's name is Lauren, Mike's wife is Lacy -- remember the Tasty Lacy? -- and Ted Ilan's girlfriend is Carolina. Should I be more surprised that Ted Ilan has a girlfriend? Because I'm not. I feel sorry for her, but I'm not surprised. Team Sam talks about Hawaii. "I hope all three of us are gonna be there," Mike says. "We'll be there, dude," Son of Sam says. "Marcel's gotta go," Mike says. Ted Ilan echoes this.
The teams arrive at the restaurant space and boggle at the unpainted walls, the taped floors, and the general messiness of construction. Marcel pulls the lid clean off an ice bin and tells us, "We definitely have our work cut out for us." And he signs it. Like "cut" is scissors, "out" is jerking his thumb backwards, "for" is four fingers, and "us" is jamming his thumb at his chest. Oh, Marcel -- how can I defend you when you do such cringey things? Actually, his "rap" and his Helen Kellerisms just show what a harmless dork he is. And harmless dorks get bullied. Playground, classroom, kitchen -- it's all the same.
After the commercial, we learn that each team has five hundred dollars for food, five hundred dollars for dishes and glasses and stuff, and seven hundred dollars in their "design budget." They also get to work with one server and one designer. The teams meet with their designers and explain their individual visions. Team Sam is sticking with their rustic Tuscan theme, and Team Marcel has settled on a Mediterranean restaurant that they want to call Medi. On the way home, Elia starts talking about how they should have done an upscale diner with really good burgers. Cliff says nothing as Marcel and Elia get excited about the idea, but he makes a weird face. Cliff calls Team Marcel's designer to inform her they've changed their entire concept. At first she's totally thrown but when she hears the theme, she gets totally on board with it and thinks it's a great idea. The restaurant will be called "M.E.C." For their names, I assume.
Back at the lofts, Team Sam plans their three-course menu that will serve twenty-four people. The morning, Ted Ilan sits and talks with Elia, who is still in bed. Nakedly in bed, I think. No shoulder straps or sleeves visible. Ted Ilan tells her, "Not to be mean but I hope that your team loses and that Marcel goes home." Elia makes a face at this and tells us how Marcel has made a lot of enemies out of everyone except her. Here's a random question, what is with Elia and Ted Ilan wearing sunglasses? In bed. In the morning. Is this more product placement? Does Ray-Ban want a piece of the Top Chef pie? Because when I think of food and cooking, I don't automatically think "And sunglasses!" Although, I have been known to wear sunglasses as a desperate attempt to keep myself from crying when I chop onions. It never works. Neither do burning candles or crusts of bread in my mouth. Nothing. Ted Ilan tells Elia to blame everything on Marcel if they are put on the "losers' block." Elia whines that she doesn't want to be on the negative side of the Judges' Table ever again.
While Ted Ilan and Sam shop for groceries at Wild Oats (MORE PLACEMENT!), Mike takes his list and his five hundred dollars to the restaurant supply store and shops. On Team Marcel, Cliff takes on the restaurant supply store and Elia and Marcel deal with the groceries. Marcel tells Cliff they're just going to serve beer and root beer as beverages. Checking in with his team, Mike asks if they got the wine. Sam tells him they didn't have enough money for the wine, so they're ditching it. Accordingly, Mike ditches the wineglasses. How can you have an Italian restaurant without wine? Don't they listen to Billy Joel? Mike says he has one hundred dollars left in his budget but he got everything on his list so, "Too bad, so sad." What a weird response to have when coming under budget. At the grocery store, Sam is heard and subtitled to say, "I'm just afraid because wine is such a big part of Italian culture." He tells us Mike's extra cash makes him worried that Mike overlooked something. But he had the list that they all wrote out and agreed on, so he's golden, right?
The teams return to the kitchens for four hours of prep. There's a lot of worry over the lack of design in the front of the house. I'd be worried too; those places look like crap. Where did the seven hundred dollars go? Sam says that they haven't spoken to their designer since the night before, "The place is named after our girlfriends and it looks like crap so far." I wonder what that says about your girlfriends. In the kitchen, Elia deals with Cliff and tells us that working with Cliff on a team is hard because he raises his voice. We get a clip of Cliff ordering Marcel around with a raised voice, and Elia trying to tell him to take it down a notch. Team Sam's designer finally arrives two hours late and needs one of the cheftestants to help her. Mike is dispatched and swears over putting some furniture together. Service time is forty-five minutes away and still nothing is really done in the front of the house.
In the kitchen, Sam tells Ted Ilan to keep an eye on his bacon. Ted Ilan swears he's on top of it. Sam complains to us that while Mike was on designer duty, they were a man down. Colicchio arrives for his Sniff 'n' Sneer and asks the designer if Mike is doing any work or if he's just hanging out. The designer says that Mike is lazy. In front of Mike. Okaaay. But then she laughs and sort of takes it back? I don't know -- it was weird. Sam asks if he can borrow Mike for kitchen duty. In the back, Team Sam looks down on a skillet of burned bacon. "That bacon's toast, dude," Mike says needlessly. Sam calls Ted Ilan over with a "Dude!" Ted Ilan looks down at the mess. "Throw it out," Sam orders and walks away. Ted Ilan tells us, "I was doing three things at once, I stopped watching the bacon and it all completely burned. Sam was mad." Really? Sam preps more bacon as Ted Ilan swears and apologizes. Colicchio walks in the back and notes brightly, "I'm smelling burnt bacon!" Yes, your olfactory sense should be bronzed and stamped with a dedication to the Top Chef producers for telling you about it. Colicchio pointlessly tells Ted Ilan to keep his eye on the pans. He adds, "You don't want to burn any more." Really? They don't want to burn more bacon? Man, where would the cheftestants be without your invaluable guidance, Colicchio?
Sniffing 'n' Sneering his way around M.E.C., Colicchio tells Marcel that he doesn't strike him as a diner guy. Colicchio sneers to the cameras that there's a disconnect between the upscale diner idea and the fact that M.E.C. will serve an amuse bouche. "At a diner, your amuse is a cup of coffee," Colicchio snarks. Hence the coffee in the barbecue coffee chicken drumstick, which is their amuse. Colicchio notes that at Lalalina, Sam is on edge because of the burned bacon and the fact that Mike seems to be "all over the place with his prep." Food and design flurry.
Cliff makes some final attempts at rudeness with their designated server while Marcel tells us that while their space might not look like much, the food is ready and that's all that matters. The mallrats for this Top Chef experiment line up outside uWink. They look at the menus and deliberate over their choices for the camera's benefit. Most of this is very tiresome, because it rarely matters what is said at this point. Do I really care that some Eric Green lookalike preferred Lalalina over M.E.C. but couldn't get into Lalalina and so rolled with the "blows" and was seated at M.E.C.? No, and neither do you. Ted Ilan tells us he's a bit nervous about their chances since he's has one of Elia's burgers and thinks they are "extremely delicious."
Mallrats are seated. Ted Ilan presents some of his patrons with a small bowl of olives. There's some discussion about what to do with an olive pit at one table. Finally, the guy just leaves it on the table. THIS WILL BE IMPORTANT LATER. Mallrats at Lalalina eat the fried meatball on toast with parsley pesto. Someone comments that they now have somewhere to put their olive pit. On the meatball's plate, not the meatball. Some of Lalalina's mallrats are caught discussing whether they want red or white wine, which obviously will come back to bite Lalalina when their teetotaling ways are discovered.
The judges walk in and seat themselves. Cliff tells us that he took his front of the house duties very seriously. We get shots of him checking in on M.E.C.'s mallrats countered with shots of the judges being obviously impatient at not being waited on. Cliff admits to us that maybe he took on a bit too much what with how difficult it is to take the orders and serve the food in a timely manner. M.E.C.'s server explains the menu to the judges. In the back, Marcel and Elia are cooking, and Marcel tells us he's not happy with the way Cliff was expediting the orders. Apparently, the judges have been waiting ten minutes for their drinks before Cliff finally arrives to pour out beer and root beer. Bravo also makes it look like the judges had nothing to say to each other during that entire time. I wouldn't blame M.E.C. for that; maybe the judges are just really boring people. Of course, when they do talk, it's to be snarky: "So, how long does a wing take to cook?" Yakura asks in the tone of "How many recappers does it take to screw in a light bulb?" "A loooong tiiime," Padmadala says. "Yeah. A. Single," Gail says, referring to the fact that they're being cooked and served a single drumstick. That's sort of faulty logic, actually. It's not like the entire dining room is being served "A. Single." drumstick that they will be splitting, so shut up a bit, Gail. Colicchio doesn't say anything, he just shrugs expressively as if there's nothing left to be said. I think he wore out his snark during the Sniff 'n' Sneer.
In the back of M.E.C., Elia reminds Cliff, "I need to know how they want their burger." In the back of Lalalina, Son of Sam teaches Mike something about the pork loin. Ted Ilan brings out Lalalina's second course of linguini (Bravo's graphics originally called it "spaghetti" when the teams were grocery shopping. Two different pastas, Bravo. This is a food show, get with it!) with walnut-parsley pesto and roasted mushrooms. A Lalalina mallrat notes, "Mushrooms are salty and way overdone." "Oily," one of her dining companions observes. In the back, Mike asks Sam something about more pork chops. "Yeah, I thought you did?" Sam responds and then we cut to him demanding, "Where's my meatball?" I don't think I want to answer that. Mike tells us that "Sam's freaking out a little bit." We get shots of Sam explaining more to Mike about how to cook something. Reminding us that he's a line cook and Sam's an executive chef, Mike says that he'll be a team player if that's a good way to survive in a team challenge. Yeah, but you can't be a drag on the team either, Mike. Back in Lalalina's kitchen, Mike is still acting incompetent and Sam is still annoyed. Sam tells us that he's been helping Mike along the way because he likes him, but he's tired of telling him how to do everything.
We now see that the judges have been waiting eighteen minutes for their first course at M.E.C.. They still don't seem to be talking to each other. How uncomfortable. Maybe they are faint with hunger and have exhausted their venom? Cliff serves them all their "Barbecue Coffee Sauce Chicken Wing." Looks like a drumstick to me. Sounds like a drumstick too, when you listen to the judges. Gail bitches, "Too sloppy" and snatches at a fork to scale off some of the sauce. "There's no depth," Padmadala one-ups her. Yakura asks if anyone else's is rare. There's a pause before Gail says, "Yeah!" quickly and Padmadala says, "Yeaaaaah." So, they didn't notice the rareness before Yakura mentioned it? Also, is it rare or raw? , the judges are served M.E.C.'s tempura vegetables with mozzarella and cornichon aioli. M.E.C.'s mallrats are enjoying the tempura. "It is tasty," Gail concedes, "It's fried well." Yakura holds forth, "You put this to ponzu and dashi and it becomes Japanese. You put tartar sauce on it and I guess we're in a diner." Excuse me very much, but tartar sauce is mayo, capers, dill, onions, lemon juice, and vinegar and they just made a cornichon aioli. What kind of chef are you, Yakura? Cliff goes in the back to check in on Elia's burgers. She tells him the burgers have been sitting for a considerable amount of restaurant time -- four minutes. Elia explains to us that this means her burgers are going to be overcooked. Marcel opines to us that Cliff bit off more than he could chew. Ironic for a chef to do that. Or maybe I'm just slaphappy.
The judges are served M.E.C.'s "Best Burger Ever" and find they disagree with its name. "My burger is overdone," Gail pouts after Padmadala praises the housemade chips. Yakura thinks the burger has a nice "caramel" on the outside and has interesting things inside. Flavor-wise, he's happy. In the back of M.E.C., Cliff demands of Elia, "Just give it to me!" Elia rebukes him for raising his voice unnecessarily. Elia tells us that Cliff has a temper in the kitchen as well as an "air of superiority" that she hadn't seen until now. "The desserts," Cliff prompts their server and when the server pauses because he didn't quite hear what he said, Cliff repeats loudly and elaborately, "THE DE-SERTS!" Dick. The judges finish their meal with M.E.C.'s Oreo Lemon Pie. Ew -- Oreos and lemon? That sounds rather foul. I can appreciate dark chocolate infused with lemon verbena, which might be the flavor profile they are attempting, but this just seems off. Their presentation is of a crushed Oreo crust, cut into a flat round. On top of that coils yellow opaque lemon curd. While it sort of looks like they're trying to attempt a very diner-esque MoonPie, it just so happens to remind me of a certain picture in the Everybody Poops book. Yakura snarks, "You know, it tastes like a crushed Oreo." "You know why?" Colicchio vaudevilles. "Because it is a crushed Oreo?" Yakura boo-yahs.
The M.E.C. mallrats fill out their comment cards. They didn't like the dessert or the chicken, but they liked the tempura veggies. Cliff watches the judges leave and says he doesn't feel great about their experience. The judges move over to Lalalina where Ted Ilan explains the name. The explanation draws coos from all the judges. You can even hear Yakura say, "That's SO CUTE!" but I can't tell if he's being sincere or not. "Is this an olive pit on my table?" Padmadala asks suddenly. Your table, Padmadala? Aren't you sharing it with Yakura? The camera close-ups on what is indeed a chewed-over olive pit. "Is that our amuse?" Yakura laughs as Ted Ilan hastily grabs at the pit. The M.E.C. server brings water and says they also have some Italian orange-tangerine soda. "Can you run across the street and get the beer from the other restaurant?" Colicchio asks, lounging back in his chair and not even looking at the server when he talks to her. Given that the other restaurant is right door and not actually across the street, I'd say you have had more than enough to drink, Coldickio. Also, that stunt of making a crack while not looking the person in the eye when speaking to them and instead looking around at your companions to bask in the appreciation of your wit is rude and disgusting. I'm sure he does it often.
In Lalalina's kitchen -- typing that name is giving me the DTs -- Ted Ilan swears and reports on the olive pit discovery. He adds, "Oy." Lest we forget his Jewishness. One Lalalina mallrat says she's jealous of the M.E.C.'s customers' beers, "They seem so happy." Beer equals happiness. Especially when it's Post Road Pumpkin Ale. Over at the judges table, Yakura rips his bread in half and says, "I'm going to put my bread right... here." And then he dramatically drops both pieces heavily on the table. Oh, Yakura, you're such an edgy cut-up -- you're the John Bender of Top Chef. In Lalalina, Sam wants to know if the mallrats are giving their server any comments. "They wish there were [sic] beer or wine," she reports. "Sucks," Sam says, wiping his head and flicking a hand at Ted Ilan to bring dishes out.
At the judges' table, Gail determines that Lalalina's service is better than M.E.C.'s just as their fried meatballs arrive. Ted Ilan adds something not covered by the Bravo graphics, the meatball is topped with a sugar-roasted tomato. The tomato is small and yellow, so I'm guessing it's a Sungold. Love those. The judges agree that the meatball is better than the burger. In the back, Mike seems to be screwing up left and right. The pesto linguini with roasted mushrooms comes out. Yakura smiles snidely, "I'm just not having any fun with this." What does that even mean -- not having any fun? Do you expect the linguini to put on a show for you? Maybe do a little Lord of the Dance? Tell knock-knock jokes as good as yours? Yakura doesn't think the mushrooms belong in the dish. "Is this the best way to make a dish that is going to impress us?" Colicchio wonders. The roasted pork loin with bacon-roasted Brussels sprouts comes out. A small bowl of polenta is served on the side. Yakura wonders why the polenta is on the side. "Um, it's on the side because we thought it would, uh --" "There's too much shit on the plate?" Yakura supplies for him. Ted Ilan sort of nods and then tells us that serving the judges was tough. Back in the dining room, Ted Ilan stands up to Yakura's greasy topknot and corrects him, "No, we thought it would look better on the side." Ted Ilan says Yakura was "a bit rude." Colicchio is still lounging back in his chair like he's some silk pantalooned sultan expecting to be fed peeled grapes by nubile sous chefs before he burps his way through a viewing of the Dance of the Seven Veals. Lalalina's mallrats think the pork is bland.
In the back, Mike blowtorches the watermelon "gnocchi," while Ted Ilan suggests they get more sugar on it because "it smells a little gassy." No, that's just Colicchio. Sam shows Mike how to handle the blowtorch. Mike tells us, "Sam doesn't think I know how to brûlée a dessert. He wants to do it a certain way. Hey, man, take the gun, do it your way -- let's just get this over with." Sam explains that before he was on the show, he had been playing around with cutting watermelon into various shapes -- shades of Candice! -- and pairing them with creamy blue cheese. He pronounced it, "Awesome." Sam talks way to fast and he barely opens his mouth. It's like he's got lockjaw. Maybe he's related to Real World's Tetanus Girl.
The judges are served the watermelon "gnocchi" with Cabrales and Asiago cream. Because I've had watermelon salad with Fontina or Comte, I wouldn't mind the watermelon paired with the cheeses. In fact, watermelon and feta is common in Greek cuisine. However, it's the "cream" part that disturbs me. I don't know why. Maybe it's because the melted blue Cabrales comes out grey and unappetizing against the red watermelon? Either that or the cream creates what I like to call a "texture violation." A few of Lalalina's mallrats dare each other to try the dish first. As Sam peers around a wall at the judges, Yakura says that the only thing he likes about the dish is how the salt brings out the sweetness of the watermelon. Sam tells the cameras he can tell the judges aren't too thrilled. Lalalina's server hands out comment cards to the mallrats. One mallrat asks his companions, "Do you think 'Was the chef on crack?' is too, too harsh?" No, but I think it will get your dopey mug on television. Marcel tells us he's happy about the food but not with Cliff and his FOH service. Mike calls his team members in for a team meeting in the corner of the shared kitchen and gives them a little pep talk. We can't hear what all he said, which surely contained lots of "dude"s and "like"s, but we catch, "Think positive man. So don't fucking get all fucking sad and shit." Mike, from the excessive panty-sniffing to this pep talk, you are one classy guy.
Judges' Table. Nearly universal distaste and disappointment with both teams. We've pretty much heard it all already -- no need to rehash since they're just going to tell the cheftestants the same thing. One thing to note is that after seeing promos for it all season, we finally learn what "made. [Gail]. Nauseous." It was the watermelon and blue cheese dish. Oh, and Yakura -- smiling proudly -- calls the Oreo Lemon Pie a "hockey puck." Dude, that was already used this year -- get a new metaphor. Colicchio doesn't think they have a winner tonight.
Lalalina is called to the Judges' Table. Elia frets over not winning to her teammates. At the Judges' Table, Padmadala tells Lalalina they are not the winning team tonight. Gail proceeds to read some of the mallrats' comment cards. Complaints about the lack of wine and the bon not about the chef being on crack are dispensed. "All of us where so amazed by these comments because they were the exact comments that we said," Gail explains. You thought Sam was on crack? Also, why would it be amazing for the other diners to share in your dislike of the meal? I'd think it would be more amazing if the mallrats had a complete opposite reaction. Gail definitely takes hyperbole supplements every day. Except, instead of One-a-Days, they are A-Million-a-Days. Colicchio asks what their concept was. "The concept was, like, a rustic Italian sort of --" Sam beings. "'Sort of'? 'Sort of''s not a concept," Colicchio interrupts belligerently. Man, he's really pissed he didn't get any wine! Also, that's not what Sam meant, Coldickio. He wasn't using "sort of" in the sense of "Colicchio is sort of a complete and utter asshole," he was using it in the sense of "This sort of judge is a complete and utter asshole." Padmadala asks about the olives. Mike fields this one, "We just, kind of, were thinking, put something on the table and olives came up." Why doesn't Colicchio leap on this "kind of"? Colicchio tells them there was no place to put the olive pits or the bread, just the tablecloth. Well, they said it was "rustic." I wonder what they'd make of the Ground Round with the peanut shells perpetually littering the floor. I wonder if they still do that. In the bit, Mike is dinged for not thinking outside of his list and buying plates for the bread and olives. He talks about not needing the wineglasses. "Why didn't you need the wineglasses?" Yakura leads. "We didn't... " Mike begins. "Didn't serve wine?" Yakura supplies, "In an Italian restaurant?" Colicchio agrees it was a bad decision not to serve wine but goes back to hammering at Mike for not buying extra plates. Mike defensively refers to his "list" about five hundred times. Yakura demands to know who made the first course. Lalalina say they all did. "Who made the meatball," asks Yakura, irritated. Ted Ilan, rather nervously, says he did. "It was good," Yakura says, simply, "It was the best thing we had." Ted Ilan's too scared to thank him. Gail goes off on Ted Ilan being less than welcoming and enthusiastic in his FOH capacity. Finally, they get to the dessert -- leaving the pasta and pork loin out of it -- and Colicchio says it didn't taste good, which resulted in their low scores from the mallrats. Sam swaggers, "If I was, like, a bigger name chef -- if I was Wylie Dufresne or Mario Batali [big important New York chefs] and somebody did something like that, I think we'd be huge." It's rather confusing when transcribed, but I believe what Sam is trying to say is that if he were Batali or Dufresne and he made that dish, it would be universally accepted and adored. As much as I dislike Sam, I have to admit I don't take issue with him citing star power as an effective force to shove even the most disgusting combinations down a diner's throat and have them rave about it. Gail jumps on this, "I don't necessarily think that if Wylie Dufresne made this dish it would've been a good dish because I don't think that the actual dish worked." Padmadala tells them they need to see the other team before they plunge the knife.
In the back, Sam bids M.E.C. good luck and tells them someone from one of their teams is going home. M.E.C. stands before the judges for the same treatment. Starting with the chicken, Marcel says the idea was his and that they collectively decided to go with a coffee barbecue sauce. Cliff sort of twitches at this. Colicchio calls him on it. "It was Cleeeef's sauce," Elia explains. Cliff looks at Marcel and says it sounds like he was taking credit for the entire dish. "Which could go either way, you have to be careful for what you're actually taking here," Cliff says. Marcel says he wasn't taking credit for the sauce. Before this turns into Saucegate, Colicchio finds out that Marcel cooked the chicken and then tells him they hated it, "It was raw." "Scary," Gail adds, "Your customers will be outta there." On stretchers. Okay, but now it's suddenly raw when it was only rare in the diner. Marcel rubs his head and mumbles he doesn't know how that happened. Marcel admits he did the tempura, which Colicchio says most of them enjoyed. Elia thinks the burger went smoothly. Andrea might disagree with you. Colicchio found the added parsley and onions to be too coarse, "It was not the best burger I ever had." Padmadala dramatically reads a comment, "Burger. Was more. Likemeatloaf." Did Captain Kirk write that? Colicchio agrees with the meatloaf assessment. They turn to Cliff's FOH issues. Padmadala thinks it was unacceptable that they waited for their food for so long and that Cliff hardly spoke to them during that time. Yakura adds that Cliff barely even smiled at anyone the whole time. Maybe your hair scared all the joy out of him. Cliff doesn't think he should go home, he thinks either Marcel or Elia should. Safe move, Cliff. Padmadala sends them away.
More deliberation by the judges. After the commercial break, all six cheftestants are called back in and told (AGAIN!) that there is no clear winner. In true Project Runway fashion, various cheftestants are excused, leaving only Cliff, Sam, and Mike. Mike's gotta know he's out, right? I mean, Cliff and Sam have shown themselves to be solid, leader-y chefs even if they aren't nice people. Colicchio dings the remaining three for their faults, before Padmadala tells Mike to pack his knives and go. After doing manly hand-shake and fist bangs with Cliff and Sam, Mike thanks the judges, does a "solid" hand pump to the air, and leaves.
In the back, he bids the other cheftestants goodbye. Mike tells us, "I don't have any regrets, man. Had some good times, some great experiences, made some crazy dishes I would never make." In the back, Mike bangs Marcel's fist and says, "I almost made it to the end and shit." He tells us, "I'm kind of, like, a really humble guy, you know? Like Charlotte's Web? That pig, you know?" He giggles. Wow, what an unbelievable reference from Mike. I mean, even if it is from the animated movie and not the book, I'm impressed. Mike hopes people learn from him that it's okay to take "the laid-back approach" and that it's "cool to stay cool." Whenever someone says "stay cool," I think of Julia Roberts saying it to Hector Elizondo at the end of Pretty Woman and it pretty much robs the phrase of all coolness. I would have killed for Mike to say "stay gold."
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