By Keckler
To make up for last week's anemic episode that resulted in zero eliminations, this week gives us a bloodbath of two knifings. The cheflebrity guest judge of the week is Michelle Bernstein of Michy's in Miami and Social in Miami and LA. She looks eerily like Sandra Bernhard. Oh, and speaking of eerie judges, what vol-au-vent crawled up Colicchio's ass this week? Dude was crazy mad at the Elimination!
Backtracking, the Quickfire, which was to make delicious delectables out of offal, gave Son of Sam the win and immunity. He did whip up some tasty looking, and sounding, Asian-themed fried sweetbreads. The theme of the night was leftovers (although considering the last five minutes, you'd think it was all about CHOICES!), which was the reason for the offal -- they are the leftover parts of an animal. The theme is further driven into the ground -- oops, I mean, "carried out" -- as the Elimination Challenge tasks the cheftestants with whipping up a lunch using whatever is left over in Social's ample pantry and walk-in from the night before. Although she's not a judge, the lunch is for Jennifer Coolidge's sixty closest friends, and Michael is just so geeked out (or toked up) to be cooking for Stifler's Mom. Yes, that is how he referred to her. Are you really that surprised?
Speaking of Michael, someone clearly lit a flambé under his ass this week, because gone are the messy and overcooked steak sandwiches and Cheeto penises stuffed in candy bar balls. They're replaced by a beautiful and refined tongue and tail soup (sounds sort of kinky when you think about it) and a well-executed paella. Sure, he worked with Ted Ilan on the paella -- just as all the cheftestants had to pair up for the challenge -- but Ted Ilan kept insisting throughout the episode how good Michael was, and I sort of, like, got to believing it and shit. Ted Ilan and Michael's Team Paella end up winning the whole bang shoot, but Ted Ilan is the one Michelle Bernstein picks to help out at the South Beach Food and Wine Festival.
Meanwhile, there are a lot of losers and a lot of yelling at those losers. Colicchio gets all worked up over the choices they made, Michelle is "angered" by the food they selected from the leftovers, and Gail announces (erroneously, see: sautéed pineapple) that Marisa and Josie didn't actually cook anything. Speaking of Marisa and Josie, they get kicked off. Their "uncooked" intermezzo didn't fly well with the judges, and they had to make up for last week's big zero, so they're both knife'd. I was so surprised, I nearly drooled on my pillow. I think there was a lot of reaching and drumming up in this episode and it actually sort of left me cold. Far too often this season the judges come up with contradictory reasons to critique and complain, but you'll have to read my full recap to find out those screaming details.
Morning at the LA lofts. Michael shovels stacks of pancakes into his mouth and says something profane and undecipherable. Marcel tells us that the morning after Camp Glucoyapi, he was feeling really distraught. For the first time ever, he was on a winning team, but he felt that all the allegations of cheating took that success away from him. Frank basically tells him to get over it. And when Frank tells you to get over something, you better get over it or you'll wake up with headcheese in your bed. Betty tells us, "I. Am. Not. A. Cheater. My. Error. Was. A. Mistake." Josie tells us that after she heard about the controversy at last week's Judges' Table, she thought it was sad that everyone was "sacrificing each other." Hon? It's a competition. It's gonna happen. Deal with it. I swear, didn't ANY of these grillers and whiskers do their season one homework? Josie also randomly decides to tell us that she and Marisa have become very good friends and they trust only each other. Okay, it's not so random when you know what's going down in this episode, but still. The cheftestants head out.
Krappy Kenmore Kitchen. Padmadala gives her wooden spiel, "There are still TWELVE of you in the competition. FIGHTING for a place in the Top Chef finale. Our GUEST judge for this ROUND is Michelle Bernstein. Michelle's the CHEF and OWNER of Michy's in Miami and CONSULTING chef for Social Restaurants here in LA and Miami." She's also the celebrity chef Delta Airlines hired to create meals for their more privileged flyers and was featured in Food & Wine magazine. Carlos starts clapping softly and happily and tells us how much he loves her. He also suck-upaliciously adds that Food & Wine magazine is his bible. Michelle Bernstein totally reminds me of Sandra Bernhard -- hair, mouth, eyes, and mannerisms. Padmadala announces, "THIS round deals with... LEFTOVERS. The REAL test of a GREAT chef comes in being creative with very DIFFCULT ingredients." The Quickfire is for them to take the "leftover" parts of animals -- offal, basically -- and use at least one of them in a delicious dish. They have two hours. Given that the majority of the cheftestants go for the sweetbreads (thymus glands or pancreas), I'll tell you what else they could have chosen: lamb kidneys, veal kidneys, pigs trotters, chicken feet, beef hearts, fish heads, pig blood, veal tails, beef cheeks, honeycomb tripe, lamb hearts, veal tongue, and pig's ears. Not quite your usual Thanksgiving leftovers of seeping cranberry sauce, separated gravy, and turkey with a sheet of opaque yellow fat making it stick to the serving platter.
As the Food Flurry begins, Sam tells us he's very excited about the challenge because he knows a lot about the flavor profiles of all the offal and can definitely build a dish around them. Mia tells the camera she wanted to do pig's feet but two hours to cook "of-FAL" isn't enough time. I've never heard it pronounced that way. Betty tells us, "MARCEL went for that pig's blood." We see Marcel adding the blood to a sauce and blending with an immersion blender. Small tangent: I fucking love my immersion blender. It makes whipping up quick sauces or soups ridiculously easy. The other night, all I had were canned tomatoes and some aromatics and I really didn't want to spend a lot of time making a complicated sauce for my ravioli. I just sautéed some garlic in a deep pot, added tomato paste, tomatoes, and some fresh herbs. I let it cook down for about five minutes to develop more flavor, added some wine, and then blended it before tossing in my cooked pasta. No messy pouring into a Cuisinart, no steam spatters. All in one pot. Anyway, back to Betty analyzing Marcel, she adds, "He kinda looks like a vampire, dontcha think?" which, if I didn't already know that this show was filmed way before, I would take as a shout-out to those posters on the boards, who decided that Marcel's hair gave him a Gary Oldham in Bram Stoker's Dracula sort of look. Bravo's special effects crew flashes lightning and thunder, putting poor Marcel into negative relief, but do what they will, I still think he looks more like Lon Chaney, Jr. than anything. Food Flurry. Cliff is working with oxtail and sweetbreads, and Elia is working with sweetbreads and kidneys, which, she explains, are seen a lot in French cooking. She cleans them. Carlos tells us that most of the offal actually needs to be soaked or braised for long periods of time. Josie also makes comments about getting her meat "in," so it has as much time as possible to cook. Time ticks down. Betty bellows, "Who has a whole container of garlic?" Well, not Marcelferatu. Ted Ilan notes to us, "Lots of people tried cook things that were difficult to cook in such a short period of time." Padmadala calls time and tells everyone to drop their utensils and put their hands up.
Frank explains his dish of Veal Sweetbread and Arugula-Mascarpone Tart with Cream of Catfish Head and Basil Soup. I'm fairly sure -- after quite a few rewindings -- that Frank pronounced mascarpone correctly. Michelle likes the soup. Marisa explains that she made homemade pappardelle pasta and tossed it with a Greek-style beef cheek Bolognese sauce. Michelle proclaims, "It's lovely." I want to know what makes her Bolognese Greek -- dammit, explain these things! Elia says she did kidneys with sweetbreads (Sweetbreads toll: 2) and fingerling potatoes. Elia explains, "I just cooked them very natural; seared them with butter, chives, and parsley." Michelle wonders if Elia soaked "them." Elia did not soak "them." Sam made some awesome sounding Sweetbread and Scallion Beignets with a Chinese Five Spice and Soy Broth. He has the broth sitting in a little cup on the side of the dish and the broth is poured over the sweetbreads just before Michelle and Padmadala taste it. I assume that's to keep the deep-fried beignets from sogging out. (Sweetbreads toll: 3) Michelle wants to know if Sam poached the sweetbreads first. No, but he brined them in milk, salt, and sugar. Sam is just so awesome and calm -- nothing ruffles his serial killer stare. Michelle thanks him and moves on to Marcel, who made Veal Sweetbread Schnitzel with Pork Blood and Kidney Sauce, and Capellini and Pistou (French pesto made up of crushed basil, garlic, and olive oil, and sometimes cheese). Michelle thinks the sweetbreads have a nice crunch. It looks like he definitely breaded his sweetbreads a la schnitzel. (Sweetbreads toll: 4)
Cliff presents his sautéed sweetbreads with shallots and olives, and a "sweet sandwich" of braised oxtail. Michelle says she really likes the oxtail, adding, "I cook it every day, so... " "So, you would know," Padmadala supplies for her. Michelle shrugs, "You would hope." Michael surprises the high off me by presenting a refined soup of veal tail and tongue soup. The color in the beauty shot is totally blown out and the soup looks as white as the bowl it's in, but I think it's probably a creamy mocha color. Michael garnished the soup with a sunny-side up egg on toast, which is just floating in the soup. It's really very nice looking, but why do I want to read some deeper meaning in panty-sniffing Michael making a tongue and tail soup? Can't you just see him giggling, "This is, like, a nice piece of tail, dude." Or, "I'm gonna tap that soup." Michelle likes it. On to Mia, who explains, "I really went back to my roots." Hold on a second; as much as I have no real strong opinion of her, I feel like Mia is always "going back to [her] roots." She definitely did it in the first challenge with the frogs' legs; if she's not careful, it's going to get repetitive and show that she doesn't have much range. I really need to stop watching Project Runway reruns. In the end, it does look like Mia went for the pigs' feet even though she said earlier she didn't have enough time to do them. She braised the pigs' feet and served them with sautéed arugula and homemade cornbread. Michelle asks, "Did you find that you didn't have enough time to cook it?" Mia stoically -- almost defiantly -- thinks she accomplished her goal. Josie explains her Braised Oxtail with Carrot Broth, Potato Puree, and Tripe Cracklings to Michelle. "You're probably wondering why I sliced the oxtail -- it's because I really didn't have enough time to braise it." Josie tells us she knows it was a bad decision to go for oxtail. Betty whipped up a Fish Head and Beef Cheek en Brodo (in broth) with Hand-Rolled Black Pepper Fettuccini and Roasted Vegetables. Michelle compliments her use of lemon zest. Betty's eyes get all buggy as she nods emphatically. Carlos presents his Sautéed Sweetbreads with Garlic Cilantro Lime Sauce and Almond-Ginger Rice. Michelle tells him it has very nice flavor. (Sweetbreads toll: 5) Ted Ilan also did sweetbreads and crusted them with almonds before serving them with fingerling potatoes and scallions. "Very nice," Michelle decides. (Sweetbreads toll: 6)
Everyone assembles for Michelle's judgment. Padmadala wonders, "Michelle, what did you think of the challenge and how our CHEFS EX-e-CUTED it?" What a completely bizarre delivery. Michelle was pleasantly surprised by how the chefs rose to the challenge and says, "The worse were the ones that I found the hardest to eat." She dings Josie for serving oxtail that was unchewable. Josie tells us it was the first time she was called out in the bottom three, "I didn't realize how comfortable the middle was." You'll realize that more and more, Josie. Michelle also didn't like how Elia's kidneys tasted so much like... kidneys. "They weren't cleaned properly, no sauce was even attempted. You made something that I love to eat, hard to eat," Michelle concludes. "Eeess deees woman for real?" Elia asks us, "I'm supposed to make kidneeey taste like... ohlives with a sauce? I cook my product to bring zeee best flavor of them out and don't hide eeet with a sauce." You go, Elia! Michelle announces that Cliff, Sam, and Ted Ilan were her top three picks, but Sam wins the whole shebangers and mash. They will all be meeting the morning at Social to find out what the Elimination Challenge is.
At Social Hollywood, the cheftestants line up in the ballroom in front of Michelle, Colicchio, and Padmadala. After Padmadala explains that Michelle is the consulting executive chef at Social, she goes on that Jennifer Coolidge is inviting sixty of her closest friends to eat a six-course lunch at the restaurant. Josie hernias to us, "How cool is that? Awahawahawah!" Michael says, "She tells us we're doing like a six-course tasting for sixty people for Stifler's mom. I was like, 'Wow, I always wanted to meet Stifler's mom.'" Of course Michael is going to call Jennifer Coolidge "Stifler's mom." Of course! Heh. Padmadala says, "Jennifer is here to enjoy your food, not judge you." Just like Colicchio is there to judge you, not mentor you. Michelle explains everything has to be timely and perfect. Since the theme of the episode is leftovers, the teams will be using whatever is left over in the restaurant's pantry and walk-in refrigerator. Colicchio announces that the cheftestants will pair up in teams and each team will be responsible for one of the courses. He barks at them to pair up immediately. They all look around at each other, momentarily stunned. Betty suddenly steps closer to Mia who is standing to her. Mia puts her arms around Betty. Marisa comments to us, "After the whole Betty Judging Table Incident, I was surprised when Mia put her arms around Betty. I don't know if Mia is a phony person in general, but I think that that says a pretty big statement about her character." I think it more says that Mia wasn't going to slap Betty's offer of partnership away on national television. I mean, who would do that in cold blood? "Do you want to be my partner?" "Not really, no." I don't think it makes Mia phony, I think it just makes her human. Cliff tells us, "I was standing to Sam, we just kind of looked at each other and nodded." Of course they did. And of course it was that devoid of machinations or emotions. Also, they're undoubtedly the strongest team. Marcel tells us, "As I'm looking around Frank asks me, 'Do you want to be my partner?' It was kind of like being asked to go on prom with somebody you're not totally interested in but for fear of not having anybody else to go with, you're like, 'Okay!'" Sorry, who asked you to go to prom, and why weren't you doing the asking? In a bit of oddness, Ted Ilan and Michael pair themselves up. Ted Ilan tells us that he and Michael get along really well together and he was excited to work with him. Colicchio has them draw knives to determine what course they'll be making. The teams will present their courses in this order: First: Marcel and Frank; Second: Cliff and Sam; Third: Ted Ilan and Michael; Fourth: Mia and Betty; Fifth: Josie and Marisa; Sixth: Elia and Carlos. Michelle announces that the winner will come to the Sagamore Hotel in Miami to help her cook at the South Beach Food and Wine Festival. Colicchio tells them they have three hours to cook and twenty minutes to plate, and he adds, "If you don't get your course out on time, it will not be served. Considering what happened in the last challenge, I'll be staying with you in the kitchen to keep an eye on what's going on." Heh, they need a babysitter!
Before the Food Flurry begins in the kitchen, Betty bawls out that she wants to get everyone together to discuss what all the dishes will be. No one heeds her. Mia complains that she and Betty were trying to get everyone together but no one wanted to talk to them. "And everybody's telling us, 'Well, we're not going to stop. We're going to see what's in the walk-in.'" That's not unreasonable, you know. How can they decide what they're making if they don't know what they have to work with? Of course, once they did get a grip on the food, they probably should have regrouped to plan the menu, but then we wouldn't have had the mediocre drama! And let me tell you, you can take that blandness to the bank. Colicchio just stands there, barely restraining himself from twirling a moustache. Food Flurry. Ted Ilan says they were happily surprised to see lots of produce and protein to work with, and that it wasn't just straight leftovers from an already-cooked menu. Betty tells us she and Mia wanted to do Napoleons, so they grabbed some pre-made puff pastry. Marcel and Frank decide to do a duo of salmon tartare. Frank lays into a whole silvery salmon and starts breaking it down. Marcel tells us that he really didn't like Frank's hackadoodle knife skills. Frank tells us, "I'm sure that Marcel's knife skills are wonderful. In my vast years of experience, I have taken a knife to more fish than anyone in this challenge or any of them put together." He's got a knife. I'm not going to argue. He's scary and intense. Meanwhile, Colicchio is standing there frowning.
Cliff and Sam get to work on a scallop and foie gras dish. Cliff teases Sam that since he has Immunity, he'll just be sitting in a corner smoking a cigar while Cliff sweats the challenge. Sam takes it all in good fun, just as it was intended. They're both clearly ridiculous rockstars, even if Sam's topknot does make him look like a Sumotori. They'll both be in the final four. Michael and Ted Ilan tell Colicchio they're making baked paella out of partially-cooked risotto and plating it in individual dishes. Pretty nice use of the partially cooked risotto. I was at an alumni thing once and one of the passed appetizers was a tiny risotto cake that had been fried on both sides and topped with some sort of red pepper aioli. I turned to my husband and said, "The remains of last night's risotto." Giada has a recipe for doing that in larger scale. Not that I like Little Big Head, mind you, but I can't contest that she has fabulous recipes. ["Aw. I love her and her frighteningly toothy grin." -- Joe R] Ted Ilan assures us that Michael came up with just as many ideas as he did and he really thinks Michael's food has become more refined and elegant throughout his Top Chef term. Moving on to Mia for a babysitting Sniff 'n' Sneer, Colicchio learns that the fourth course will be a pan-seared duck breast Napoleon. Michael tells us, "Betty and Mia, they're, like, doing this puff pastry contraption. It looks like they're starting their duck a little early. Duck is traditionally served rare and if they're going to let that sit and they're going to refire it, it's not going to be rare." Knock me down with a fiddlehead fern for two reasons. One, Michael used the word "contraption" in a sentence, and two, he's holding forth on the right way to cook and he's completely correct! Far cry from his Cheeto penis.
Over with Josie and Marisa, it looks like the fifth course is going to be "a trio of palate cleansers." They're basically making a bunch of salads. Some with fruit. Doesn't sound very challenging. Tasty, but easy. As the graphics tell us that Josie and Marisa's dish is called "The Awakening Trio," Cliff gives us his opinion of their dish: "Josie and Marisa had an idea to do an intermezzo. Normally, the fifth course is a protein, and the dish to me is unsuitable." All Carlos and Elia seem to be making is a basil-pomegranate juice drink in a shot glass. Later, of course, we find out that they are making more, but at the time I was all, "They're just making JUICE?" Colicchio sneers at us that he doesn't get what's going on because he doesn't think any of them have spoken to each other about their individual dishes. "I think they're so focused on the ingredients and cooking they're not thinking a step ahead. Mia and Betty are working on this duck Napoleon. A Napoleon is typically a dessert and it's layers of pastry and pastry cream -- they're working on a savory version of one," Colicchio goes on with sneering incredulity. I think it's odd that Colicchio makes it sound so outlandish to be making a savory Napoleon. They are not unheard of. Colicchio thinks the pastry is unnecessary at this point. Given that they never really make an actual Napoleon, I'd be willing to agree with him on that. In fact, at this moment, Betty pulls out their puff pastry triangles and they're all... puffed. When you intend to do a Napoleon the right way, you want your pastry layers to be flat and crisp, not puffy. You often would use semi-puff pastry rather than a full puff, but if you have only puff pastry, then you would keep the pastry from rising too much in the oven by baking them with another sheet pan on top of them. Removing the sheet pan at the very end of cooking time allows the pastry to brown up nicely. I don't know if Mia and Betty really ever knew what a Napoleon was. At the very least, they had no idea how to manipulate the pastry to make one successfully. Colicchio also thinks some of the dishes will be difficult to plate, particularly Josie and Marisa's palate cleanser and Elia and Carlos' trio of desserts.
Over at Marcel and Frank's duo of salmon and beets, there's a bit of an issue. Marcel is complaining about a raw onion taste in something. "We'll cut it down," Frank insists, "but I think we should use them." Marcel is peeling roasted beets right now, so I have no idea what the "them" is that taste of raw onion and can be spoken of in the plural. Marcel suggests that Frank make one and he make one. Marcel tells us, "When it came time to make our salmon tartare, Frank decided to come up with a little bit of kind of just a gnarly sauce." Is that a technical term? Marcel didn't like Frank's sauce. Frank tastes something and tells Marcel, "It's good. It's subtle, but I think I like mine better." They call over Cliff to ask his opinion. Cliff tastes and immediately decides that Marcel's is "ten times better" because Frank's is "just too oily." I really enjoy how much they trust each other in this show. They aren't worried that Cliff will tell them the bad-tasting sauce is the one to be served in the hopes of being able to sacrifice them to the judges. Marcel rubs his forehead and says, "Dude, I agree, I kinda like mine a little bit more." "Okay," Frank shrugs and goes off to make some cement boots, size Teen Wolf. Marcel tells us that Frank was offended by Cliff's pick because his special sauce was his chance to put his name on their dish.
Out of the blue Marisa asks, "Elia, what are you making over there?" We can't really see Elia but we hear her say, "JOOOOCE." (Juice.) "Oh," Marisa says with exaggerated roundness of the mouth. Why is she asking? Because she and Josie are also doing something liquidy in a shot glass. Carlos and Elia assure her they didn't know they were planning that. Marisa tells us, "We were going to make a cucumber-prickly pear drink with basil, but Carlos and Elia were also planning on making a basil drink." Marisa reports back to Josie, there's some profanity, and Marisa tells us they decided to change their drink to a coconut-lime-prickly pear thing and serve it in a Chinese soupspoon. The soupspoons are making a comeback! Their popularity languished with no Stephen around to fluff them up, but they might just make it yet. We see the slightly pink liquid in a soupspoon is garnished with lime zest. The chefs yell out questions to each other. Marisa tells us that things were getting intense and busy, and there was a definite lack of them working together as a cohesive team.
Guests and Jennifer Coolidge show up. The cheftestants have fifteen minutes. Marcel tells us, "Everyone's running around, Chicken Little, the sky is falling, heads cut off... " No, the offal was the Quickfire, Marcel. "It was total chaos," Marcel goes on, "Whereas my service was very regimented." Jennifer Coolidge comes into the kitchen to say hi and thank them for making lunch. "We hope you like it!" someone calls. I'll bet it was Betty. "I know I WILL like it," Jennifer Coolidge says. The guests sit down.
Marcel and Frank meticulously plate the duo of salmon tartare and beets. Marcel breaks his arm patting himself on the back for how "on point" their service was. God, he's sounding more and more like Stephen with each passing moment. The first course is served. Marcel and Frank come out to explain their dish, which looks fairly stunning, I must say. Marcel says, "We did a salmon tartare with avocado and red onion, and we also did a salmon mousse with chives on top and the beets are sliced thinly, and lastly we have beet greens on the top. I hope you all enjoy it." There's also a rice cracker of some sort on top. Jennifer talks about how lovely it looks to her table. Michelle criticizes the dish, "To put something sweet -- like the beet, without a lot of texture -- with salmon, that doesn't have any texture, it's not the greatest combination." Cliff and Sam get their dish ready. The plates go out with Sam and Cliff following. Sam explains their two "tiny tastings." "The first was seared scallop with a confit of Serrano ham. The second was seared foie gras over an oyster mushroom crostini finished with a fig gastrique." They get applause. Sam tells us how well he and Cliff worked together and that he was very proud of their dish. It appears everyone liked it, even the judges. Ted Ilan tells us that as he and Michael were plating their paella, everyone came over to see how they could help them. See, that's nice. I like that. It's like when people help each other hem on Project Runway. The third course of seafood paella with soft shell crab is served. Michael tells us, "We were, like, so stoked on our dish. It was so tight. I talked up at Camp Glucose and I described the dish and it didn't work out and I ended up on the chopping block, so I was like, 'Ilan, you take this one.'" I want to know what Michael's on that makes him smile all the time. Ted Ilan explains their dish of lobster, shrimp, and mushroom paella with fried soft shell crab. "Enjoy," is all Michael says as they leave. The dish is enjoyed, although Michelle says, "They went a little saffron happy." The executive chef at Social, Joseph Ojeda, thought it was interesting how Ted Ilan and Michael chose to bake off the paella to get it crispy. Jennifer Coolidge thinks everything has been amazing and impressive so far.
As Mia and Betty get their duck NOTpoleon ready, we see Frank slicing up duck breast for them. Scary and intense, but helpful. Mia tells us that Betty really wants height on the plate and is really concerned with making it visually appealing, whereas Mia was more worried about taste, "I thought it was going to be a bad idea to put all that pastry on the plate especially since we were doing the mashed sweet potatoes, but part of being a team means compromise." She's speaking in the past tense. Why must I be so cynical to wonder if Mia blew against the pastry only after the results were in? Betty calls out a request for someone to help them with the duck. We can see Cliff's hands plating and garnishing. Sam also seems to be helping. Sam tells us, "The puff pastry had no business being there, it was strange. It was almost embarrassing to have those plates go out." The plates are served, and in the ballroom, Betty claps her hands frenetically and shrieks, "Greetings!" Betty explains they have a pan-seared duck breast with a balsamic-merlot reduction sauce, sweet potatoes, pan-sautéed green beans with preserved lemons, butter, and fresh thyme. She doesn't mention the pastry. Mia tells us she was so proud of their dish, "That duck was delicious." Right off, Gail notices that the duck is overcooked and explains to her table of food professionals that duck should be very pink inside when properly prepared. Michelle doesn't get the huge piece of puff pastry that's three times the size of the duck. "Well, the duck should be the main event in this dish and it's just noooot," Padmadala drones. I used to do this thing when I played a tape in my tape deck where I would hold onto the spinning things and slow down the tape. I did it to Bread and Jam for Frances, Peter Pan, and Eula Mole in Fable Forest and now, Padmadala sounds like I'm doing that to her every time she opens her mouth.
In the kitchen, Colicchio eats his plate. Standing up. All by himself. Heh. The big cheese stands alone. And gets paid two dollars an hour to baby-sit. Somewhere else in the kitchen, Betty and Mia basically make out. Betty suddenly realizes she didn't mention the pastry. Cliff helps Josie and Marisa with their plating. Marisa determines that their dish is difficult to plate because it's so delicate. Frank is totally hysterical when he tells us, "When we got to Josie and Marisa's, I looked and I was just... kind of... in a state... of wonder... whyyyy... they had chosen a salad with... some... pink... spoon... thing. I thought it tasted like shit." The Awakening Trio is served. "It's like an intermezzo," Gail gets in quickly. "I don't understand it." Josie and Marisa come out and they both explain their dish of Prickly Pear and Coconut Soup, Fennel and Apple Salad, and Sautéed Pineapple Salad. Gail opines, "It's very disconnected to me." Michelle asks if she would send it back, Gail wouldn't; she just doesn't think she would ever order it because she doesn't know what it's going for. I thought that, as rule, intermezzos aren't usually ordered. They just come in between courses, all surprise-like. The executive chef of Social leans over and says, "At this restaurant, we really pride ourselves on the ingredients that we use. I just feel that the things I thought they would really be excited to use wouldn't be brought out to the table." Yeah, but dude? If you're so proud of the ingredients you use, that would extend to the ingredients that the cheftestants used. Because they're still your ingredients. The exec chef goes on, "I had proteins in house that would accommodate a really wonderful dinner. I'm a little disappointed, honestly." But... they were supposed to make lunch, not dinner. A random guest holds forth that he didn't think his palate was cleansed, "I felt like, in trying to deviate from a standard palate cleanser, they sort of missed the mark on what that course is supposed to accomplish." Go away, random guest.
In the kitchen, Elia and Carlos plate, and Elia doesn't want anyone helping them: "Too many hands just freak me out." She should never ever go to a "Hands Across America" event. Ever. Elia doesn't think being in the bottom three is even an option for them. Carlos suddenly swears and says, "There was an extra juice here, did somebody take it?" Betty barks something at Elia about "Put an ice cream on it, quick! Quick! Quick!" Put a sock in it, quick! Quick! Quick! Elia tells us that one of the desserts came back because it had two shots of juice and no ice cream. In the kitchen, Colicchio announces with some amount of evil triumph, "Your time is up, the plate can't go out." So, a guest just doesn't get their dessert? That's bizarre. Carlos tells us he was horrified and he completely blames himself. Elia hugs him and tells him it's okay. "I don't mind going home," he says to us, "because it was my mistake, but I didn't like the feeling that they could send Elia home for my mistake." Aw, he's just so sweet. In the ballroom, Elia explains they served a chilled pomegranate and orange juice with basil. Carlos says, "Phyllo dough with marscapone [MAS-CAR-PONE! Jesus fucking Christ -- it's NOT that HARD!] cream, champagne grapes, green grapes, topped with another phyllo dough with fig sauce on top." Elia finishes the explanation by saying that some guests got an apple sorbet with candied pistachios and other guests got pineapple sorbet with candied pistachios. They're applauded and whistled at. The judges really don't like the pomegranate juice. "It tastes like it sat out for too long and it got ripe," Michelle decides. Chef Ojeda doesn't think it's sexy to have to pick basil leaves out of your teeth while on a dinner date. But it's not a dinner date they were cooking for, it was a lunch. Stop blaming them for not doing something they weren't even directed to do!
The cheftestants are all brought out and everyone in the ballroom applauds. Jennifer Coolidge thanks everyone for coming and thanks Social for hosting, "Most of all, I just really want to thank these amazing chefs for doing such an incredible job. I don't have much to do with the decision making tonight. You know, I used to work in this building -- it used to be a pool hall -- I was the cappuccino girl here. I got daily complaints that I didn't give anyone enough foam, so I shouldn't be the authority on anything." She wishes them luck. Betty tells us how rewarding it is to know how hard you worked at doing something you loved. Ted Ilan reiterates how proud he is of what they all did. In the kitchen, the cheftestants toast each other with wine.
Judges' Table. Colicchio mentions how he was in the kitchen so he saw how good the cheftestants had it in terms of leftovers. Oh, here we go again -- the bashing of what ingredients they DIDN'T use. Michelle adds, "What better than coming into a kitchen filled with the freshest, most amazing ingredients, that, honestly, is a cook's or chef's dream." Except that they WEREN'T the "freshest" ingredients. They were LEFTFUCKINGOVERS! That was the whole point of the freaking challenge! There was no way you could call those ingredients the "freshest" unless you had a goddamned farm in the walk-in with little migrant workers pulling up roots and greens and tubers and shit. I really hate the hypocrisy in this episode. Colicchio goes on, "You know, there was some beautiful baby purple artichokes in there that nobody used, there was sea bass... " Dude, they had salmon, scallops, lobster, shrimp, and FUCKING CRAB! "Duck confit," Michelle adds. THEY USED DUCK! "Fruits de mer. It was everything from our Social menu -- I'm a little bit upset," Michelle says. You're upset that they didn't use what was on Social's menu? Wouldn't they then have been dinged for not being original enough? I mean, I know Social has a great menu, but get over yourself, Michelle. The judges continue to go on about how the cheftestants -- without limitations, without restrictions -- did not take advantage of the wealth of Social's leftovers. "I get a sense that no one's trying to win, they're just trying not to lose," Colicchio says. Given that both Josie and Michael have talked about how they are comfortable in or aim for the middle, I can't say Colicchio is wrong. He goes on, "Some of the choices they made were a little confusing. It's pretty clear that these guys didn't work together in creating this menu." Of course it's clear, you were in the kitchen the whole damn time and you SAW them not working together to create the menu. However, they DID work together to get all the dishes out -- why don't you comment on that, Coldickio? Michelle adds, "Of course, there were some lovely things on these plates, but some of them shocked me to the point where I got angry." I think you have anger issues, lady.
Colicchio doesn't like how so many of them did trios or duos, he wanted just one good thing. Gail and Michelle give props to Ted Ilan and Michael's paella. The judges also liked Sam and Cliff's dish, so those four are called out and congratulated. Colicchio wants to know what thinking went behind Sam and Cliff's foie gras-scallop dish. Sam explains, "We thought that the creaminess of the scallop and the creaminess of the foie gras would kind of lend themselves to each other." Gail and Michelle give them foie gras props. Michelle even seems to be beaming at them. Well, they are both hot. Of course, Colicchio has to have a detraction and he says, "I would have liked to see you take those ingredients and make a dish of it as opposed to keeping them separate. Put them together! All in all, it was successful, you guys did a great job." Turning to Ted Ilan and Michael's dish, the judges want to know who turned soft shell crab and risotto Spanish. Ted Ilan cops to it, because he works in a Spanish restaurant and is familiar with flavors like pimento and saffron. "A little too much saffron," Colicchio snickers. Always detracting. Happily, Gail talks over Colicchio's snicker and says the dish was great and the soft shell crab was cooked perfectly. Michelle loved how the texture and consistency of the soft shell crab mimicked that of the rice -- crunch on the outside, creamy on the inside. "It was like crème brûlée and I loved it." Padmadala announces that Ted Ilan and Michael are the ultimate winners of the challenge. "Michael, how does it feel to be at the winning table," Colicchio taunts. "It feels goooood," Michael tokes. In choosing who will come to Miami with her, Michelle says that she needs to choose who inspired the dish the most and that would be Ted Ilan. Yeah, I never saw her choosing Michael. That would be one hot Miami mess. Padmadala congratulates them and asks for Josie, Maria, Carlos, Elia, Betty, and Mia to be sent to them.
The losers appear before the judges. Colicchio goes off on how disappointed they were in all of their dishes. He zeroes in on Mia and Betty and wonders if they were happy with their dish. Mia responds, "I was so proud of my dish, I went in the walk-in and cried afterward." That might be an emotional problem. Mia says, "We put out a great product -- I was proud of myself today." Colicchio leads, "If you could have taken one thing off that dish, what would it have been?" "The puff pastry," Betty responds immediately. Mia agrees. Colicchio tells them, "It was a bad choice, and it wasn't even cooked. One thing that irks me ["one" thing?] is when I see pastry that's not browned!" I do agree with that. Their pastry was anemic. Colicchio says their dish was bad from start to finish and points out that the duck was overcooked. Really, Colicchio? From start to finish? Seems to me you have a problem with the duck and the pastry but what about the balsamic-merlot reduction sauce, sweet potatoes, and pan-sautéed green beans with preserved lemons, butter, and fresh thyme? Turning to Josie and Marisa, Padmadala asks about the prickly pear and coconut spoon-drink-thing. Josie says it was both of their ideas because they went into the walk-in together. "And you both walked in there and you said, 'Hey, prickly pear-coconut!'" Colicchio taunts angrily. Dude, why is he getting so het up? Is this because he had to eat alone in the kitchen? "When you saw the outcome," Michelle asks, "Did it remind you of anything?" "Pepto-Bismol, maybe?" Josie says, laughing. Michelle glares and nods. Oh, come on -- it didn't look THAT pink. Gail asks if they thought all three components went together. "All three had citrus in them," Maria says. So? That's not exactly a unifying flavor. Josie admits that the fennel salad was a little waterlogged, which was a mistake. Colicchio tosses up his hands in disgust. Turning to the pineapple and goat cheese component, Colicchio asks, "So, you thought that would sort of stand out and set you apart from the rest of the dishes?" Josie thought they would accomplish their goal. Which was? "To put out something that would be able to cleanse your palate," Josie explains. "Forget about just getting by! Did you THINK you were going to WIN with that DISH?" Colicchio demands. Josie and Marisa don't really respond. Hey, chill -- you're going to have a coronary.
We finally get to grilling Carlos and Elia. Michelle tells them that the pomegranate juice tasted like it had sat out for about twenty-four to forty-eight hours. And what were you saying about the "freshest" stuff in the Social walk-in? I mean, I agree that they should have tasted the juice to make sure it hadn't turned, but can we be a little consistent with the complaints here, please? Colicchio goes off on them for not doing one thing really well instead of three things where only one was really good. Carlos insists that he thought all the components were really good and until the plate came back with the extra juice, he thought they had a chance at the win. That's another thing, not that I wanted to see Elia or Carlos kicked off yet, but why weren't they immediately DQ'd for the mistake? I mean, it seems like they made SUCH a BIG DEAL about the timing and Colicchio babysitting the kitchen and everything, yet, when something did happen, it was just that the plate couldn't go out. I think the judging and criticism is really inconsistent this season. Colicchio gets himself all worked up, "These are about choices -- somebody's gotta say, 'Hey, that looks like Pepto-Bismol! We can't serve that!'" It's gotta first look like Pepto-Bismol for someone to say it, and I really don't think it did. "Let's fix it!" Colicchio rants on, "Let's fix the problem! If you think the pastry's not right, we gotta fix this problem. Taste the juice -- if you don't like it, fix it! If you thought it was fine, your taste is somewhere off." Colicchio tosses up his hands like he's just sickened by all of them and sends them back to the kitchen while they deliberate. I think someone needs to give Colicchio some actual Pepto-Bismol.
Judges' Table. More ranting from the judges. "Again, it's bad choices -- if there's something wrong with Mia and Betty's dish, Mia sits there and says, 'Yeah, it wasn't something I wanted to do.'" We didn't hear her say that at the Judges' Table. Gail points out that Elia and Carlos were really proud of their dish and believed in That Juice. Gail goes off on Marisa and Josie, "If you look at their ingredients, they actually didn't COOK ANYTHING!" "Nothing! NO!" Colicchio laughs. Um, people? They did sauté the pineapple. Like, that's why the dish was called "Sautéed Pineapple." Fine, they didn't cook A LOT, but don't deal in absolutes because you are absolutely wrong. Colicchio dishes some guff about how he wishes they could get a little more information from Marisa and Josie about who is ultimately responsible, "But they're banding together, you know, one person's responsible." Man, you don't like it when they finger point and you don't like it when they band together. Also, stop trying to trump up a reason for kicking them both off, as thought it was some surprise and tied only to the fact that it was impossible to place the blame on one person alone. Putting them into teams of two was directly due to the fact that you knew you were sending two people home this week! We're not stupid!
The losers are called back in and reminded by Padmadala that they are the worst. Colicchio goes off on all of them again for making bad choices. "You had three hours to prepare your dish and you didn't even cook anything!" Colicchio says to them, "That was your downfall." Their downfall was not cooking anything? So, if they reminded him that they sautéed the pineapple, what would he drum up? I'm not saying they both shouldn't be sent home, but it just really sounds like they're reaching for excuses. Padmadala says, "Marisa... " Marisa nods resignedly. "And Josie," Padmadala continues, "Please pack your knives and go." Josie nods and looks down. Oh. I am so surprised. I didn't see that coming for one minute, not for one minute. The camera pulls in on Mia's dramatically dropped jaw. Look, I know we all will open our mouths in surprise, but the way they've got Mia doing it is not believable. It looks like she maybe did have her mouth open slightly in surprise, but a camera wasn't on her to catch it, so they went back for a pick-up shot and coached her to do it again. It looks ridiculous and completely unnatural. She's even looking straight at the camera initially. So fake. SO FAKE! Elia puts her hands up to her cheeks. Josie and Marisa make little speeches. Mia wipes her eyes. That seems real. The cheftestants leave.
In the back, Josie says, "It was a pleasure working with all of you." Marcel wants to know what that means. "That Josie and I are going home!" Marisa says, fairly happily. Someone says, "I told you it would be two of us." Hugs all around. Cliff seems shocked. Elia tells us she was in shock and we see her crying. Josie says to us, "This was the first time in an Elimination Challenge I was on that chopping block. The first time! And you're going send someone with so much talent home?" Josie shrugs. Nothing wrong with her self-confidence. The remaining cheftestants applaud. Marisa tells us it's been tough but great, and she would do it all over again, "I'd would just make a few different choices that's all." How about the choice not to do a weird calendar? Also, stop with the Choice Theme, because it's forced and it's bugging me. "It's hard to walk away when you know that you're so talented and you just made, like, a bad decision, and it's, like, that decision cost you your whole, like, chance. I came here to win it! I had a lot of confidence going into this competition because I know how damn talented I really am." Man, she is putting all her egos in one basket.
week: Elia puts chocolate on her face like a mask, and Frank gets even more scary and intense. Meanwhile, Bourdain will be on, and I'm already sick of him casually tossing off his self-scripted bon mots that he's panting to use no matter what, just so he can just be known for all his CRAZY-man metaphors.