By Keckler
After we start off with Michael talking about his wife's panties, which made me flop shudderingly around in a puddle of Clorox for a few hours, we move to a Quickfire that is suspiciously reminiscent of last year's Gas Station Challenge. The cheftestants are given a roll of quarters -- which I am coveting because it's laundry day -- to "shop" at a vending machine for their ingredients. As an additional twist, the cheftestants have to make that trendalicious, ridiculously ubiquitous, and increasing annoying item, the amuse bouche. Suzanne Goin, the guest judge of the week, is much nicer than Chefferson was, but calls Michael out for not really caring about the competition. Come on! Couldn't she see the simple beauty and Dali-esque artistry of the lone Cheeto stuck in a mashed-up cube of Snickers? Yeah, see, I took my own advice and got high before watching tonight. Carlos -- who has virtually melted into the shadows ever since he bragged about his four-star restaurant -- wins the Quickfire with his seed and twig loaf, which I'm sure Andrea would have loved for the other kind of loaf it would make.Moving on to the Elimination Challenge -- what a joke, right? -- the cheftestants break into teams to prepare a lunch that will be served at the horrifically named Camp Glucose, a fitness camp for kids where Wilford Brimley is clearly the camp mascot. And guess what? Betty and Marcel are on the same team! Wonder how many takes it took to get that result. Anyway, with nutritionists weighing, analyzing, and scrutinizing every drop, every crumb, the meals have a five-hundred-calorie limit. Betty makes some tan meringue cookies that don't seem to work with Splenda but, interestingly enough, work very well with sugar.
The kids eat the meals and judge that Betty, Marcel, and Frank had the best food. Since the popular pizza entrée was Frank's idea, Suzanne names him the individual winner. As the judges try to decide who should be knifed, Sam lets it slip that there may have been some cheating -- in the form of recipe-twiddling, post-nutritional analysis -- going on. However, Sam won't say who he thinks was getting happy with olive oil squeeze bottles. BUT Mia steps up and points out how St. Betty, the Patron Saint of Teeth and Screaming, made her cookies with sugar instead of the approved Splenda recipe.
With the judges stymied and not willing to send anyone home since they can't point at a clear loser, Colicchio addresses the cheftestants. Betty starts crying after admitting that she used an additional two tablespoons of sugar instead, but didn't think she was doing anything wrong. Apparently, she was the ONLY CHEFTESTANT who didn't realize that she wasn't allowed to change the recipe after the nutritionists signed off on it. I guess ignorance of the law is a defense in this case, because St. Betty isn't booted. Crying that she figured they had sixty unfulfilled calories to use as wiggle room, she pleads she didn't act with intent to cheat. Back at the loft, people scream and talk about buses and hand-holding, and Betty cries some more.
What a bizarre episode. I feel curiously... empty. No one got knife'd. No one cried (well, except Betty, but for other reasons). No one really messed up in the Elimination Challenge (well, except for the whole totally nebulous cheating thing that didn't really get figured out to my bloodthirsty satisfaction). And I still don't hate any one cheftestant (well, maybe Betty a bit more).
Morning. The cheftestants wake up in various ways. Elia is doing yoga and Betty does hand-weighted squats with a big ol' bandage on her upper thigh where she must've received that chemical burn from last week's off-camera dry ice incident. Lounging under his covers, Michael mutters something about ten more minutes of snooze time. There's a light blue scrap of something above his head on the pillow. I'm getting scared. Michael tells us that when he woke up, he felt like crap because of being on the chopping block in the last challenge and he also misses his wife. Still in bed, Michael tells us, "I need a new pair of panties," and we can see he's got the scrap of blue fabric in his hand. Okay. Okay. Okay, um. So, WHY would he need a NEW pair of panties? Is it because the old ones have lost their smell -- no. I can't. I can't go there. I WON'T THINK ABOUT MICHAEL SMELLING HIS WIFE'S PANTIES AS HE FALLS ASLEEP AS THOUGH THEY WERE SOME SORT OF SECURITY BLANKET! See, but I did. I did go there. And now I need a fierce drink. And a bath. In lye. scene, Michael is laying face-down on a couch (fully dressed) and Marcel starts banging flip flops over his head -- which are oddly loud for being made out of foam -- and yelling at him to get up. The cheftestants leave the loft.
Krappy Kenmore Kitchen. Padmadala introduces James Beard Award-winning Suzanne Goin of Lucques and A.O.C. in LA and author of the fabulous and James Beard Award-winning Sunday Suppers at Lucques. Padmadala explains the Quickfire will be to prepare an amuse bouche. They will shop, have access to the Top Chef pantry, and be given thirty minutes. Suzanne Goin elaborates that their amuse bouche is something that should leave her wishing she had more. Padmadala tells the cheftestants to follow her to do their shopping. Marcel tells us that he could go many routes, one of which would be do an oyster dish with an apple gelée. Rounding the corner, the cheftestants all exclaim ruefully as they see they will be "shopping" at two vending machines. Their budget is ten dollars in the form of a roll of quarters and they get to buy two things from each machine to create their amuse bouche. One vending machine is the traditional chips, candy, and nuts type of thing. The other looks more like the revolving dessert trays at Perkins. It's all lit up, revolves, and has several shelves stocked with what looks like fruit salads, microwavable hot dogs, hard boiled eggs, and sandwiches. I never worked in an office with that kind of stuff and it makes me sad. ["Don't be. You've never mistrusted anything in your life like you mistrust vending machine egg salad." -- Joe R]
Josie tells us, "You know, it's like GREAT! That's the way to impress Suzanne Goin! Gimme a frickin' vending machine!" I swear the way Josie talks at times makes me afraid she's going to give herself a hernia. Michael is captioned as saying he wants a frozen burrito and a pastrami sandwich, dude. Cliff tells us they all think Michael is going to champ out in this challenge because of the amount of junk food he dumps into his body. (See? The Miguel!) Marcel doesn't know what to do and grins, "No oysters in the vending machine." No oysters I want to eat, anyway. Michael -- who really needs to button his shirt and stop displaying so much of his downy chest -- stones out that it all sucked because, like, people, like totally took the stuff he wanted, dude, and he had to go, like, all last and shit. He tells us, "So, I like walk up to the machine, and I make a decision like, 'Screw this, screw the Quickfire today.'" He is such a genius because that is EXACTLY the attitude he should have after last week! He is so going to be the Top Chef. Michael shows Sam his Snickers, Corn Nuts, and Cheetos. Padmadala sends them all back into the kitchen. Some of them walk quickly, but of course, drama queen Betty makes a big show of running full-tilt into the room while wind-milling her arms over her head. Kick it DOWN a notch there, Betty Legasse.
Food flurry. Marisa works with a chicken Caesar salad, potato chips, an apple, and trail mix. More food flurry. Marcel tells the camera, "I think an amuse bouche should be something tasty, something interesting, and I kinda like to stay on the sweeter side over the savory for the amusé." Not sure why he decided to accent that second "amuse," but I can't remember enough college French to muster up a care. Michael scoops a mass of something out of a Cuisinart and stones that he's just really pissed about the "Crackerjack challenge." Carlos tells us, "Mike's Cheetos vending machine dish was the most phallic thing I've ever seen in my life." Considering the source, I seriously doubt that. Marcel makes Swedish Chef borking noises as he pours Squirt into those double-shot glasses that got used almost as much as the Chinese soupspoons last season. Time ticks down. Ted Ilan tells us that he thought everyone else's portions were too big to fit the amusé bouche bill. He's not wrong, they are basically supposed to be one-bite sensations.
Frank presents his Ham and Swiss Cheese Quiche with a Pesto Dressing and a double shot glass of Mint-Infused Tea. Chef Goin nods in appreciation, "I feel like I'm on the porch." Frank thanks her. I always want to know how they make these things -- like did Frank disembowel a Hot Pocket for the ham and cheese part? And how did he make the quiche crust? The tea definitely could have come from the vending machine, and maybe he took a tart shell from a mini pie and scooped out the sweet filling before filling it with his stuff. But what would have been the fourth thing?
Betty made a Fromage Frittata Chiffonade with Basil, Pear, and Fig Cream Sauce. Hm. Sounds overly sweet. She got the figs from Fig Newtons, which is sort of genius, but again, sickly sweet. You know, ever since Ramona told her entire non-birthday party that Fig Newtons had worms in them, I've never been able to choke one down. You'd think I'd have a bigger problem with Apple Newtons since the filling was much more worm-colored, but they tasted so much like apple pie to me that I adored them.
Son of Sam glares Chef Goin down as she asks him about his pickles. Dude, you said earlier how much you liked her, stop looking like you want to eat her liver. Sam sliced his pickles and dusted them with fennel powder before combining them with potato salad and slapping the thing on a single Dorito. Elia did a mini tostada in the form of a Dorito topped with delicately shredded chicken salad, chili corn, and lime. Chef Goin laughs that Elia's accent makes Doritos sound better. "Yeaaaaah," Padmadala adds air-headedly. Moving on to Michael, Chef Goin comments on his "playful presentation." He seriously took mashed up Snickers, rounded it out, and stuck a single Cheeto in the middle of it. How is he not sent home tonight? I can't imagine any Season 1-er being allowed to get away with such a slack-assed attitude. Chef Goin asks if it's finger food. "Yeah, it's, uh, finger food," Michael says, "Knock yourself out." Chef Goin eats it. The Bravo graphics department would have us believe that Michael made a "cheese puff set in a chocolate candy bar mound." Two things crack me up about that: "set in" and "mound." The first, because it's just trying to fancy up utter crap, and the second, because I read one too many Harlequin novels. Josie explains her "deconstructed chicken salad and shortbread cookie puree." Okay, first, gross. Secondly, it needs a fork, which usually makes it more of an appetizer than an amuse bouche. Cliff made a curried banana pudding with sunflower seeds and an herb cheese crisp. Okay, but what's the thing that looks like a bamboo plant growing out of it? We get no real idea what Marisa made except that she calls it "Tropical Salad" (I thought she said "Topical" and started thinking about Retin-A, which wasn't a good image), and Chef Goin likes the mint. Again, needs a fork and looks too big to be an amuse bouche. Carlos explains his sunflower seed and carrot loaf with cilantro, sesame, and Squirt combined with lime. Unless it says "meat" in front of it, I don't think anything "loaf" is very appetizing. Then again, I grew up with parents and neighbors who served Byerly's-catered sandwich loaves at parties, so maybe that's my problem. Chef Goin likes it.
We get to Mia, who doesn't impress Chef Goin with her La Bocadita Deliciosa ("little delicious mouth," yeah, I don't know either), which combines a Twinkie with charred banana and strawberry whipped yogurt. She also has a ginger-lime mojito. I know it's been a long time since I worked in an office, but are they selling rum in vending machines now? Because maybe I should think about suiting up and going back. Chef Goin frowns that it tastes like dessert. "That's what it is," Mia nods proudly. "Yeah, but it's supposed to be an amuse bouche," Chef Goin reminds her. Marcel really gets the ick factor going when he explains his Duo of Cracklings (just a fancy way of saying pork rinds) with Lemon and Rice Pudding and a Pamplemousse (fancy way of saying grapefruit) Soda (just a fancy way of saying Fresca) with tropical fruit. Chef Goin thinks he is another one who forayed too far into the dessert arena. We end with Ted Ilan and his deviled egg with Corn Nuts, deep-fried salami, pear nectar (gag), and fig paste (double gag).
Padmadala asks Chef Goin for her opinion on the Mob-sponsored vending machine Quickfire dishes. First, Mia gets dinged for making too much of a dessert, and then Chef Goin tells Michael, "I get this vibe from you that you could not care less. And I feel like nobody kidnapped you to put you on this show to try to win against all these people who are trying really hard." As Chef Goin was talking, Michael was grunting unintelligibly. When he finally does get a chance to speak, I sort of wish he didn't. He stones that he sort of looked at the vending machine and sort of went blank. Chef Goin points out that everyone around him managed pretty well and asks if he saw that. "Yeah, I did, I looked around at everyone's plates and I was just like, you know." He really doesn't have two brain cells to sear together, does he? Chef Goin liked what Frank, Ted Ilan, and Carlos made, although she points out that the fig purée and pear nectar were unnecessarily sweet. Carlos wins, his seed loaf giving him immunity.
Elimination Challenge. After pulling knives, the cheftestants are divided into four teams: black, white, orange, and red. Coinkidinkishly, Marcel and Betty are on the same team. Of course. Both Betty and Marcel tell us how very not thrilled they are by this situation. Marcel even calls Betty his "arch nemesis," like we're in some big comic book. Okay, fine, he's Wolverine and Betty is Chop-Chop. Betty tells us that she called him some names that she knows weren't nice and she's sorry for it because she's an adult and she knows she shouldn't talk like that. However, she thinks he's a "noodge." Because suddenly she's Joe Lieberman.
After the commercials, Padmadala puts me into a coma with her explanation of the challenge. They will be making an entrée, side dish, and dessert, and the entire meal cannot exceed five hundred calories because they will be serving the meal to kids at Camp Glucose. Can I just say that I think that's a horrible name for a camp? Why couldn't they call it Camp Glucowatha, or something? Camp Glucose is just so scientific and sterile. It's like, instead of horseback riding, you're getting on a scale! Instead of lanyards, you're injecting yourself with insulin! I mean, I know that's what they're probably doing, but do they have to say it so baldly in the camp's name? So, obviously it's a fitness camp like the kind Jelly Belly went to and gorged himself on cheese sandwiches in the middle of the night. It's for overweight and diabetic kids, ages eight to eighteen. Ted Ilan doesn't like the idea of having to count calories when making food, "I think it should be all about adjusting flavors and feeling... feeling food." Feeling food. Is that like when you go to a haunted house and feel eyeballs (which are really peeled grapes or cocktail onions), and intestines (which is really cold spaghetti), and tongue (which is actually tongue)?
The cheftestants shop with a budget of one hundred dollars, and Son of Sam reminds us that he, like Wilfred Brimley, has diabetes. Cliff is glad the Son of Sam is on his team since dude always has to be careful of counting carbs and eating healthy. Totally evoking Stephen and Candice when they argued over what to make for the Boys and Girls Club, Marcel suggests prosciutto-wrapped asparagus and Betty nixes it asking, "When you were a kid, when you were eight years old, do you think you would've eaten asparagus?" My husband did. But then again, I didn't. I hated most green things. Also, why are we assuming Marcel was ever a kid? I think he sprung fully-formed from his mother's bouffant. Betty really thinks they should make pizza. Marcel tells us this challenge is not about the bad blood sausage between him and Betty, it's about the food.
The cheftestants return to find three nutritionists waiting for them in the Krappy Kenmore Kitchens. The nutritionists will meticulously go over every aspect of their recipes and menus to make sure none of their meals exceed five hundred calories. Josie explains that the nutritionist signs off on their recipes at the end of the day and they can't deviate from them. We get a montage of the nutritionists telling the cheftestants the caloric value of various recipes and foods. "Your cupcakes, Marisa, are about a hundred-twenty, a hundred-twenty-five, calories each without the frosting or your garnish." Is that with or without the crotch juice? Hey, I didn't put the calendar out there! Carlos comments, "She was measuring and looking at everything. It almost felt like the dietary Nazi." If you ever get put in a concentration camp, you're in for a big surprise. Frank, who is on Team Black with Marcel and Betty, tells us that their nutritionist had never seen a low-cal pizza before, and said nutritionist was skeptical. However, Frank says that with his Italian background, he was pretty confident in what he was doing. The pizzas do look pretty tasty in the oven -- nice thin crusts, not overly cheesed, lovely. Betty explains she was making meringue cookies out of egg whites because they make a nice and crispy cookie. Also, I'm sure she chose them because egg whites have only about seventy-some calories per egg. Betty ran into some difficulty because she put thirty egg whites in a Kitchen-Aid mixer but couldn't bring them to the stiff peak stage. Turns out, she was trying to whip them stiff with Splenda, rather than sugar. Marisa correctly points out to us, "Pastry is a science, and if you put something into it that has a different molecular structure, it's going to react differently."
Colicchio arrives for his Sniff 'n' Sneer. Looking at Team Red's menu of BBQ Chicken Skewers, Coleslaw, Grilled Vegetables, and Old-Fashioned Fudge Cake with Fresh Strawberries, Colicchio asks about the fudge cake. Marisa proudly tells him she made it with beets to give it moisture and intensify the chocolate. Interesting concept. Their caloric count is topping out at four-hundred-eighty. Colicchio grins at Team Black that kids love pizza. They all agree, and we see their menu of Sausage and Cheese Pizza, Melon and Berry Skewers, Crispy Cookie, and Mixed Berry Lemonade. Team Black's nutritionist says their calorie count is at four-hundred-forty calories, which makes Betty scream. Again. I fucking hope she loses her voice for the four episodes.
Josie explains that Team White is making Chicken Parmesan coated with oat bran instead of breadcrumbs. They're also making a Berry Cheesecake Pie, using yogurt, cream cheese, and granola. Finally, they have a side dish of Vegetable Lasagna. Who might even be sitting to them on the plane. Team White's calorie count is three-hundred-ninety-eight. Way too low to be a good thing. Finally, Carlos of Team Orange tells Colicchio about their Spiced Turkey Meatballs, Roasted Corn on the Cob (which in an UNBELIEVABLE show of ignorance is spelled "Cobb," as in "Ty" or "Salad." Like, seriously, Bravo? Are you really that fucking stupid?), and Summer Fruit Smoothie. Colicchio wonders how Team Orange thinks their smoothie is going to stack up against the chocolate cake, cheesecake, and cookies. Cliff, his arms crossed and a very forbidding look on his face, says, "We went the healthy route." Colicchio tries again, "I guess what I'm getting at is a bunch of kids in a fitness camp haven't seen chocolate cake in awhile." "Well, it's about learning a lifestyle. They're in a fitness camp and they have to learn how to eat smoothies and stay away from the chocolate cake," Carlos says in what has to be the most ridiculous argument I've ever heard. Do you really think that when presented with a fruit smoothie to a chocolate cake and being told, "Choose one," the kids are going to go, "Well, you know, I really have to learn to drink smoothies instead of eating cake, so even though this chocolate cake is healthy and has the right number of calories, I'm going to go with the smoothie"? No. Really no, Carlos. Hell, I'm not even a kid and I still wouldn't go the smoothie route over chocolate cake. When Colicchio asks about their calorie count, Carlos puts in a guess of four-hundred-fifty. "You're going to guess four-fifty?" Colicchio sneers and turns to the nutritionist, who says, "I have four-fifty-four." HA!
They have seventeen minutes left. Marcel tells us he's confident about everything but Betty's cookies. Sure enough, Betty is having problems. The cookies are oozing all over the Silpat. Betty tells us that she "completely forgot" that hard meringues have to dry out in an oven overnight. Well, at least eight to ten hours in a very low oven, but, yeah. And, duh! Welcome to Pastry 101, Betty. See, baking scares the living Shuna out of me, but one process I feel comfortable with is hard meringues. Marcel tells us, rather mincingly, "Betty's dish is just plummeting. It's failing. In other words, Betty is failing, and I know if the Black Team goes down, she's going to throw me under the bus any chance she gets." Again with the damn bus! What is with this show and buses? Don't they know everyone in LA drives cars?
morning, the teams get dressed. Elia does more yoga, and Betty tells Josie she's already packed her bags for Elimination. In the kitchen, Betty goes around kissing all the guys good morning. Oh, she's one of those women. She even asks Marcel if he wants a kiss. "Sure, I'll take one," Marcel aw-shuckses. Betty kisses him. Does this mean she needs to chain herself up during a full moon? Maybe she can just drink a Snape potion. Michael tells us, "I feel so confident in the challenge, I really want to win it, expecially [yes, he said "ex"] since the remarks that one of the judges [he's so stoned, he can't even remember which judge, and there were only two] had made to me in the Quickfire. I do want to be here, I know no one kidnapped me." Really, Michael? Are you sure about that? It's like that Jill Carroll tape when she was saying, "No one kidnapped me. I'm being treated fine. I have food." Michael's "dead confident" he's not going home.
Back in the Krappy Kenmore Kitchens the day, the cheftestants finish up. Betty tells us that because her cookies failed so miserably the day before, she's starting all over again. Josie reminds us, "We were signed off on a menu that the nutritionist observed; we're prepared to honor what was signed off on." Food flurry. Cliff tells us, "You assume everyone is on the honor system [on] day two because of the nutritionists, but you never know." Michael throws a shifty look at the camera. Sam tells us that on the second day, when the nutritionists weren't there any more, there were squeeze bottles of olive oil on the line. He saw hands "just randomly squeezing olive oil wherever people wanted to put it." Carlos tells us, "Betty's meringue cookies were not turning out on the first day. The second day, I had noticed the recipe had changed -- the cookies visually looked different. They were smaller and had a different consistency." Betty tells the cameras that on the first day, she had too many egg whites, so now she's reduced the proportion of egg whites and added "two more tablespoons of the sugar." Whoa, whoa, whoa -- I thought she was supposed to be using Splenda! Betty tells us that since the nutritionist told them their calorie count was at four-hundred-forty, she felt very secure that her diddling with the recipe still kept them under five hundred. However, St. Betty, Patron Saint of Teeth and Screaming, you are now playing with a recipe that the nutritionists DID NOT APPROVE!
They head off to Camp Glucochobee. Padmadala and the judges, including Suzanne Goin, are there already. Padmadala tells the cheftestants they will set up, and then the kids will be given each team's menu. A single member from each team will talk up their meal to the kids after which the kids will place their orders. The teams set up. "Yay. Yay, yay, yay," St. Betty crows over their pizzas. Shut up, cheater. Each team thinks they're going to win. Mia tells us that Michael will be their team rep since he is "a big kid at heart." A big stoned kid. Picturesquely leading a few of them by their hands, the Pied Padma brings the kids over to the cheftestants and they all sit down at picnic tables. Elia tells us she was really happy to be cooking for them. I just could not love her any more.
For Team Black, Frank presents their meal. After he tells them what they get with Team Black, a kid shyly asks, "Can we get the pizza and the lemonade?" Aww, he was afraid he had to choose one over the other. I hope that's not a reflection on what Camp Glucoyapi feeds them. Frank confirms that they get the whole shebang. up, Josie presents for Team White in her hernia voice. At the end she asks if anyone has any questions. None of them do, but I think I saw one of the kids giving her a weight-lifting belt. Carlos riles up the crowd and tells them about how Son of Sam is a diabetic -- cut to a few of pre-teen girls smiling -- and that Cliff has a physical fitness background, before detailing his team's menu. Michael steps up, "What's happenin' campers? [Anemic cheer] I'm Mike from the Red Team. I kinda wanna, like, get The Wave goin', yah know? [Mike makes "wave noises" and "wave finger motions" which make me think he doesn't actually know what The Wave is.] Naw, anyways, we got a pretty killer menu, it's, like, chicken on a stick with some barbecue sauce, it's grilled, it's awesome. And we have a little coleslaw, some raisins are in it, and to top it all off, we got some old-fashioned fudge cake with fudge frosting. Let's rock and roll." Kids, this is your brain on drugs. Team Red gets five orders for their food; Team Orange gets seven; Team White gets seven; Team Black gets a whopping fifteen orders, because once you go black, you never go hungry. Michael mutters, "That there better be some damn good pizza." The other teams are demoralized.
The cheftestants dart off to plate their food. So, how is this going to work? Do we assume that the Black Team has already won simply based on their popularity? I mean, since the kids don't get to taste all the dishes like they did on Operation Monkfish, they can't pick a favorite. I guess the actual judges will be tasting the food as well. The cheftestants serve the kids their meals. The kids like the food. One girl says, "Step AWAY from my fudge cake." The judges eat the food and make comments that are actually sort of hard to decipher, due to their full mouths. At one table, Sam says, "You're diabetic and you didn't order the turkey meatballs?" The Fudge Cake Girl says, "I'm sorry, I didn't know before this!" She totally thinks Sam is cute. One of the girls says, "I wanna go marry the hot diabetic over there." The kids like the pizza, but one little critic says he thinks there might be too much sauce on it. The judges go over to talk to all the kids. One kid liked the chicken parm and vegetables, but not the coleslaw. Another long-winded mini-Bruni decides that the smoothie was sour and would have been better with less grapes and less cantaloupe. Other kids thought the smoothie should have been thicker.
After the kids are done eating and waiting at least a half hour, they play soccer with the cheftestants. Marcel kicks the ball and smacks Ted Ilan full in the face. Bet that felt good. Elia says, "Eet was heelareeous." I haven't quite examined my feelings on this matter, but I'm really starting to think that Ted Ilan is silently evil. I know that will make me even more hated than my Emily support, but I can't help it. It's what I feel in my blackened little heart.
Judges' Table. They talk about the meals. The turkey meatballs turned out really hard, and the coleslaw was bland. When talking about good points, Team Black's pizza was clearly a popular order, but Chef Goin actually preferred Team White's cheesecake, and Gail was happy with the way Team White cooked their chicken.
Padmadala calls Team Black to the Judges' Table. Padmadala slightly toys with them by saying, "The reason... you guys are here... you are the winner for this challenge!" The most amazing thing? St. Betty doesn't scream. Goin gives them props for doing the pizza, because part of the challenge was getting the kids to choose their menu above the others. When Goin asks whose idea it was to make the pizza, Frank raises his hand. Marcel claps him on the shoulder, and Goin tells him the pizza was well executed, and that it was the only main course the judges finished. Goin chooses Frank as the ultimate winner, adding that not only was the pizza good, but he also impressed her in the Quickfire. She presents him with a copy of Sunday Suppers at Lucques and asks him to collaborate on one of her three-course Sunday Supper menus. At Lucques. Awesome prize. Hell, just getting to go to Lucques would be a huge deal. Padmadala asks them to send back Teams Red and Orange.
In the back, St. Betty acts all depressed when she announces their win. Frank tells Team Red (Mia, Michael, Marisa) and Orange (Sam, Cliff, Carlos) to get their butts in front of the judges. Padmadala says, "Your teams were at the bottom of the barrel in this challenge, and one of you will be going home." Yeah, except not so much. When asked, Mia announces that she doesn't know why her team is there. Colicchio asks who made the coleslaw and they all cop to it. Gail goes off on how under-seasoned and tasteless it was. Colicchio wants to know what thought processes went into having Flounder sell their menu. Heh. Marisa speaks up that Michael really wanted to do something to illustrate how active he was in the competition. Colicchio asks, "Why do you think that we feel you're really not contributing." Michael whines that he's had a bad couple of days and his misses his wife (and needs more panties) and the vending machine challenge made him draw a bigger blank than usual (to sniff when he's falling asleep). Mia speaks up and says that she "almost resents" anyone saying that Michael doesn't care. Goin pipes up that she didn't say he doesn't care, she said he acts like he doesn't care, and that's not what they should be projecting or presenting.
Moving on to Team Orange, Sam admits he was the team captain. Colicchio goes off on the texture of the turkey balls. "No, turkey was not the correct choice," Cliff says. Sam admits that he came up with the idea to use grapes in the smoothie and that they did strain it after tasting how sour it was. Goin asks why they didn't think to stir in some yogurt to help the sourness. Sam tells her they weren't allowed to do anything to the recipes after the nutritionist signed off on them. Which, Sam adds, brings up an interesting point. He mentions that people seemed to be running around with olive oil squirt bottles, squirting unmeasured amounts of oil in places. Goin leaps on this and demands, "Are you saying people cheated?" Sam says, "I'm not saying people cheated, I'm saying maybe they had it accounted for, but during the cooking process today, you know, I saw people with, like, squeeze bottles of olive oil, walking around, like, squirting it to coat this or that." Colicchio smiles a tight, disbelieving smile, and shakes his head slightly. Whatever, dude, Sam rarely talks at all, so I think it speaks volumes that he's actually coming forward with this. He's never shown himself to be an instigator or a whiner. "WHO?" Gail demands. Sam won't name names. Goin points out that a tablespoon of olive oil has one hundred-twenty calories. Sam also brings up that things that weren't working yesterday were suddenly working today. Gail wants more explanation, but Sam says he's not "that guy" and he's not going to go there. "I'll go there!" Mia announces, and explains about Betty's miraculous cookies. She says that the nutritionist-approved recipe that didn't work the day before used Splenda, and today, Mia believes, the cookies used all sugar and eliminated the Splenda. Padmadala stretches her neck forward in reaction to this. Gail tells the cheftestants that, either way, they have to make a decision about who is going home (NOT!) and they cheftestants are sent away. In the back, Carlos tells the other cheftestants, "We got grilled!"
Judges' Table. Colicchio sneers that they've got so much going on because they've got Sam up there "in the eleventh hour," starting to point fingers at other people. He doesn't know what to do. The other judges are silent until the commercial break.
After the commercials, Colicchio still doesn't know what to do. He doesn't feel there's a clear-cut loser. Gail says, "At this point, there are errors, and they aren't showing us who made those errors." Colicchio blathers, "If you're playing by the rules and you see someone that you think is breaking the rules, I think it's your responsibility to say, 'Hey, that doesn't seem right over there.'" Sure, didn't we all learn from Lycheegate? Actually, I still don't really know what we learned in Lycheegate, but I'm sure there's a hole in Colicchio's argument. Gail interrupts that they don't even have proof of anything since Sam won't name names. But Mia did. Forget the nebulous oil squirting, I think the bigger and more concrete issue is the illegal changing of a recipe after it was approved by the nutritionist. Goin admits she wouldn't feel good sending anyone home. I think they need to potentially take the win away from Team Black since their cookies didn't bake by the rules. The judges keep saying how hard their decision is. Colicchio decides to talk to the cheftestants himself.
In the back, Colicchio alludes to accusations of extra olive oil and sugar use. At the mention of sugar, St. Betty theatrically cocks her head all, "Hmm, sugar? Who did that?" Colicchio says they all have to play by the rules. St. Betty innocently asks if he feels people cheated on their ingredients. Colicchio confirms it was brought up at the Judges' Table. Sam leans forward and explains his concern about the olive oil. Marcel immediately starts blathering something unintelligible about none of them even knowing what they talked to their nutritionists about. Someone yells at Marcel that they aren't talking about him. "No one accused you, but if you're getting all defensive, maybe you want to tell Chef something now," Sam suggests loudly. Marcel shrugs that Sam doesn't even know what he's talking about, so he's going to get defensive. Carlos decides to ask Betty directly if she followed the exact recipe she followed yesterday. Theatrical soap opera pause. St. Betty explains, "I put two additional tablespoons in." Colicchio makes a face like he swallowed a bug. And not a No Reservations bug. "But," she continues, "the portions were a lot smaller, and that was where I figured it was compensated, plus we had an additional sixty calories in our five-hundred-calorie compensation, and I thought that was the guideline we needed to stay within." Colicchio responds, "But once the recipes were locked in yesterday, you were not supposed to deviate today at all." "I misunderstood that," St. Betty says, as though that were an end to the matter. Colicchio asks if she was the only one who misunderstood that. "It was not something that was done maliciously, I thought that I could still add it and still be within the five-hundred-calorie range," St. Betty explains. Colicchio believes she misunderstood that, however, other people knew what the rules were. "I know!" Betty sobs, "But I didn't and it wasn't something I did to, like, fuck anybody up." Shut up, Crying Betty. Carlos wants to know how Team Black could have changed it and still verify the five hundred calorie limit. I just want to point out that two tablespoons of sugar equals ninety-six calories. I don't know how that would've broken down for them per serving, but I just want it documented. I'm sure most of you already looked it up. Marcel answers Carlos with some guff about it all depending on what your education was and what your nutritionist told you. Colicchio decrees that no one will be going home that night, and then we get a voice-over of Colicchio saying that they're going to be watching everyone really closely from here on out and they should consider themselves on probation. Okay, Principal Vernon. The cheftestants pick up pillows and, in Elia's case, a yoga mat, and leave. Just how long were they down there?
Loft. Soft-hearted Elia tells us that because Betty admitted the sugar adding, she believes Betty wasn't trying to cheat. For some reason, Josie feels the need to make a speech. "First of all, I know that our team played by the rules, so I know that whatever was said tonight was not directed at our team. Number two, I'm going to also say that, you know, when we're out there on the fucking chopping block and we throw each other off the bus [I thought the prevailing action was under the bus], don't come holding my hand afterwards, all right?" I'm not really sure what she's getting all pissed off about, since, as she already said, she knows it's not about her team, so there was no bus-throwing or hand-holding forced on her. Carlos tries to tell her that it's not about her, it's about the competition. Poor Cliff chugs a bottle of Pepto. Why is he frequently wearing scrubs? Mia says that nobody who wasn't in the room with the judges can say what happened, "And there was no throwing anybody under the bus." Except you throwing Betty, right? Marisa pretty much says this exact same thing and admits to being shocked at Mia's hypocrisy. Betty keeps whining that she didn't realize she was doing anything wrong. Ted Ilan steps in and pollyannas that as no one went home, they should all be ecstatic. In the kitchen, Josie goes on loudly, "If there's a question of anybody else who didn't play by the rules on the team that won, then we should've fucking won, all right? And you heard it right here." Betty is seen to be stalking out with her pillow.
week: they create a dish using an ingredient. Seriously, that was the preview.