By Keckler
It's time to give thanks in the middle of the Los Angeles summer. To get them in the mode of telling everyone around the dinner table what they are thankful for, the cheftestants have a fifteen-minute Quickfire to prepare tasty meals from canned goods. The big twist is when Colicchio names five winners who have immunity from the Elimination challenge. The rest -- Marcel, Betty, Carlos, Michael, Elia -- have to prepare a "cutting-edge" Thanksgiving. And all without D.B. Sweeney or Moira Kelly. The losers have to serve the new-fangled Thanksgiving to the judges and the five Immunity-drenched cheftestants. Elia, after the Quickfire, is just about ready to give up on the whole damn competition, but agrees to make the soup portion of the Thanksgiving feast. In the middle of prep time, she has a literal meltdown and gives herself a ganache facial. She treats Carlos and Betty to one as well. After a little straightforward talking with Colicchio during his usual Sniff 'n' Sneer, Elia regains her confidence in Colicchio and decides that it's okay for him to be her judge after all. However, I continue to remain unconvinced. Tony Whoredain (tm heebie jeebies) shows up as guest judge and has a few calculated but surprisingly hysterical judgments to toss with the salad. The way it all shakes down is that pretty much everyone sucks except Elia. Marcel gets props for actually taking the whole cutting-edge approach seriously and trotting out a few foams and gelees, but his turkey roulade was dry. Funny thing is, Bourdain ends up loving what Michael tried to accomplish even if it was "Flintstonian." Funnier thing: I didn't end up hating Bourdain as much as I expected. Not only does Frank run off at the mouth on how much he hates Marcel while judging his Thanksgiving dish, but earlier in the process, we get the whole "if you touch my stuff again, I will beat you so bad your mother won't even recognize you" bit that the Bravo promo monkeys have been taunting us with since the very first episode. What's he so apoplectic about? His toothbrush was on the floor. Funny thing is, the cameras specifically showed us that the toothbrush was SPECIFICALLY in the Dopp kit, so Frank can just suck it hard and lose the whole tired Goodfellas act. At the Judges' Table, Betty shows her true colors (yet again for me, but maybe for the first time for others) when she screamingly throws Carlos and Marcel under the Top Cheffian bus and blames those who actually lended a helping hand in her failed brûlées for those failed brûlées. Elia is declared the winner with Marcel a sort of afterthought second. As they all await the fate of the -eliminated in the back, Betty and Marcel get into it. Betty gets all Scanners with her tendon-bulging blue neck and calls Marcel "selfish" (even though he helped her, unselfishly, and she didn't offer to help him), and he FINALLY calls her a bitch. Because she is. Sadly, the tender-hearted Carlos is sent home because his salad was really sort of pathetic.
FINALLY! An episode that got me so riled up, I was hurling pens, notebooks, and cocktails at the TV! This episode really kicked all sorts of interesting ass. Also, I truly and deeply hate someone at long last. And it wasn't Bourdain, which really surprised the ever-living fuck out of me, quite honestly.
Mia, Elia, and Betty remark how quiet the girls' quarters are without Josie and Marisa. Yeah, especially Josie, I'll bet. Mia is shocked that someone as talented as Josie was let go already. Josie completely agrees with you.
Over in the boys' den, Ted Ilan snickers over Marcel's business cards and shows them to Michael. On one side, the card has Marcel's name and says "Culinary Entrepreneur" over a line drawing of a mushroom. On the back it looks like someone has written: "Marcel Vigneron" and under that, "The Top Chef." Michael wonders how many of them Marcel has handed out. So, I'm confused -- did Marcel give the card to Ted Ilan or did Ted Ilan dig through Marcel's stuff, TOUCHING his stuff, to find it? Maybe Marcel should beat him so bad his mother won't recognize him. Sadly, thinking of Marcel's tiny body, he could probably only beat him so bad that his second cousin wouldn't recognize him. Once again, Elia stands up for Marcel to us, explaining that she had known and worked with him before. Marcel tells us, "I don't really know if they all, like, got together one night [cut], throwing, like, darts at a board, like, trying to figure out: 'Oh, it landed on Marcel. Let's hate him!'" Marcel laughs rather forcedly. He reminds us that the competition is about the food and he just doesn't care about anything else at this point.
Quickfire. Padmadala and Colicchio are standing in the Krapmore Kitchen in front of a large display of canned food. Padmadala explains that Colicchio will be their judge for the day. Colicchio says, "With the holiday season upon us [In AUGUST?], we typically do a can drive in our restaurants. We ask our guests to bring canned goods that we distribute to community food banks. Not everyone has access to fresh foods, but that doesn't mean that they can't eat well." Colicchio tells them the Quickfire is to take an "unexciting ingredient" and "turn it into something fabulous." They have to use at least three cans and they have fifteen minutes. Mia weighs in with us, "You know, when my family was homeless, the food bank really helped us a lot, so I'm not scared to cook out of a can." That comment was juxtaposed against Marcel thinking how difficult this challenge will be.
Food Flurry. It's totally and completely satisfyingly hysterical when all the chefs run to the cans, and Betty is sort of the last one there, and she's all short and shit and can't really get in, so she has to push her way through.
Food Flurry and Culinary Cursing.
Presentation time. Cliff has a potato salad with baby corn and straw mushrooms topped with grilled anchovies and Mandarin orange vinaigrette. Cliff comments that his anchovies would have been better if they were fresh. "It's a canned challenge," Colicchio smilingly reminds him. Betty presents her mess of a dish (seriously, I can't think of a time when her food presentation has been impressive) of lemon hummus with beets, artichokes, green apples, and sage vinaigrette. Colicchio widens his eyes. Hard to tell what that means with him. Sam did "crunchy anchovies" over a garbanzo-beet salad with a lemon-Dijon vinaigrette. Marcel's dish contains hearts of palms with clams and coconut milk foam (FINALLY FOAM!) crème fraîche with trout and chervil, and finally, water chestnuts topped with Mandarin orange segments. Doesn't sound too bad except for the coconut milk foam, which is a bit bizarre. Colicchio asks what's the deal with the coconut milk foam. Marcel explains, "I think that the coconut milk goes nice with the hearts of palms and the clams." "Do you think so?" Colicchio asks, because clearly he doesn't. Mia made a "Fifteen Minute Salad" of garbanzo beans, green beans, artichoke hearts, and mint with mesclun mix. I hate it when the cheftestants give their dishes cutesy names. Colicchio asks why she put the mint in. "Just to give it a little bit of a twist," Mia explains. "It's actually really nice," Colicchio says. Ted Ilan sautéed canned spinach with cannellini beans and red chile flakes and added them to roasted new potatoes and roasted Vienna sausages. "Somehow you managed for it to lose its canniness," Colicchio says.
Elia explains that they don't have Thanksgiving in Mexico, but they have Christmas and this is what they eat. She has a fruit salad -- which looks bound together by something very white, maybe mayonnaise or yogurt? -- and a red pepper, kidney beans, shallot, and parsley hash. Colicchio doesn't get why the two are paired together. Elia explains when they have the fruit salad in Mexico, they have it with meat, so this is her meat. Colicchio doesn't appear convinced. Carlos made a Pasta Puttanesca using deviled ham, capers, tomatoes, and peas. To make a real Puttanesca, he should have used canned olives instead of the peas. I'm also not entirely sure why he didnât use anchovies since we know they were available. Frank explains his totally repulsive (it's a texture violation for me) fruit and coconut salad with blueberry yogurt cream. Michael made chile and chive mashed potatoes and topped it with bacon-wrapped mini corn. It looks pretty de-fucking-licious, honestly. To us, Sam gives props to Michael for "putting himself out there" by attempting mashed potatoes in fifteen minutes. I can't really imagine it would be that hard with canned new potatoes. They're already fully cooked, right? So, you just heat them up in a flashed skillet and mash with loads of olive oil, cream, and seasonings. While the potatoes are heating, you cook the bacon. I wonder what the third canned item was, though. Maybe the olive oil? It does come in bulk can and we saw a few cheftestants (where's my goddamned check, Bravo?) using it, but I figured it might also be a pantry item.
Colicchio gives props to Cliff and Sam, but didn't like Marcel's clams because they weren't cold enough. He also didn't like how Elia put her two things together. Colicchio then does this bizarre thing of rearranging the cheftestants, "Ilan, I'd like you to stand over here. Mia, I want you to come up to the front here. Sam, you as well. All right, Cliff, you can just change places with Michael. And Frank, you can stay where you are." And now Carlos, could you arch your back a little more? Betty, put one leg up on a chair, and Marcel, put on this fancy hat and lick your lips. Colicchio announces that Sam is the winner. What the fuck was with all the musical stations? Mia tells us, "Chef Colicchio announced that Sam was the winner, and I'm thinking, 'Dammit, there I go again -- I'm that close to winning a doggone Quickfire challenge and it slips through my fingers.'" Colicchio then announces that Mia is also a winner. Say what? And Cliff. "Wha --?" Cliff says. Elia is shocked because she tried Cliff's food and she "speet" it out. And Ted Ilan is a winner. And Frank. Five winners who don't even have to cook in the Elimination challenge. The losers are tasked with making a Thanksgiving dinner "with a twist." They're supposed to use the "time-honored" Thanksgiving ingredients and be all cutting edge about it. They will be serving it to the usual judges as well as their winning fellow cheftestants. Suffice to say, the losers are a bit annoyed. Carlos thinks the Elimination challenge is "oxymoronic" and adds, "those are two things that are diametrically opposed," referring to Thanksgiving being cutting edge. Padmadala tells them they will be judged on their individual contribution to the meal and gives them an hour to prep in their lofts that night and then four hours the day. The five winning cheftestants will drop off the canned food to a food banks and rest.
The Thanksgiving losers -- let's call them the Native Americans -- gather together to decide their menu. Betty is attempting to be in charge, of course. It's sort of a mess of people making suggestions and Betty saying no. Marcel also says no to Michael's idea of doing family style because it's not cutting edge. I've started to feel more sorry for Michael than I am annoyed by him. "You wanna do cutting edge? We could get a chicken, a duck, and a turkey, and make it into a --" A TURDUCKEN! HELL, YEAH! " -- like a chicken-turkey-duck lasagna." Or not. Betty starts yammering down Michael, and Carlos says, "Okay, I make a rule: you can only talk if you have the pepper mill in your hand." Like that's going to help things. Betty will just sit on it. Hugging the pepper mill in both arms and bracing it between her dinners, Betty says, "I think we should do plated soup, plated salad, plated dessert, and family-style Thanksgiving dinner." By the by, "family style" means that the food is served in a mass amount and everyone at the table helps themselves, rather than the kind of service when each person's plate being constructed and served to them individually. Michael tries to object to Betty's plan, but Carlos reminds him that he doesn't have the pepper mill. It's fucking Kidneygarten! Betty puts her hand over Michael's mouth and simultaneously hands over the boob sweat-drenched pepper mill. Michael bitches that no one would give him a chance to make his ideas heard. Marcel, who has the pepper mill now, starts suggesting an idea for the soup, "I was thinking with, like, with an egg custard at the bottom. Maybe like a bacon custard --" Betty tries to interrupt, but Marcel HYSTERICALLY holds up the pepper mill pointedly and flares his eyes at her. " -- or like a nutmeg custard," Marcel goes on. Good boy, Marcel. Now take that pepper mill and beat Betty about the head with it. Elia volunteers to do the soup, and in doing so, takes off her glasses and walks away from the group. Elia, oh Elia, what's wrong? She's muttering, "Such a mess." Elia tells us that, after the Quickfire, she is completely devastated and "demotivated." Marcel coaxingly asks Elia what soup she is going is going to make. "I'll probably just give them a shot of vinegar or something," Elia shrugs. Oh, Elia, please buck up -- don't throw in the egg-smeared towel yet. PLEASE! Marcel says, "I don't want any kamikaze action," and then tells us that he's concerned Elia will "bust out a suicidal maneuver" and he would hate to see that happen. Betty announces that if Elia's doing soup, she will do salad and dessert. Elia interjects that Betty cannot do both; she needs to split them. Betty asks if Carlos wants to do salad, he doesn't really want to do it, but he'll do it. He tells us that his plan for remaining in the competition is to just stay middle and safe. Think of what happened to the last person who said that -- you're so going home, Carlos.
Elia asks Betty what she thinks of a mushroom soup. Betty unhelpfully says, "I think mushroom would be lovely with what we're serving, but this is your dish." Elia says she "truly does not care any more." Fight for it, Elia, FIGHT FOR IT! The Native Americans shop. The bulk of them go to the grocery store, while Elia goes to a restaurant supply store and gets restaurant supplies. Michael tells us he's going all out on three dishes: a round of canapés, a plate of two kinds of potatoes and corn, and a cheese plate. You go, Flounder! Marcel's going to go all avant-garde on our asses. Finally, he's bringing out the foams and gelées! I was so annoyed he might bring them into every single challenge but now, with the dearth of smears and shit, I'm psyched that he's finally getting freaky with it. He does say something about doing a turkey roulade, which isn't exactly cutting edge. Remember what Stephen had to say about Candice's signature chicken roulade? Elia picks out gravy boats and tells us that she knows what good food tastes like and she knows what bad food tastes like and after the Quickfire, she has been wondering if there's any point to her being in the competition at all.
The winners, or the Pilgrims, roll up at the food bank to drop off the Top Chef largesse. Sam, walking ahead of everyone (as I'm sure he was told to do), carries a frozen turkey in each hand, showing off his major muscles (as I'm sure he was told to do). Mia tells us that she was happy to drop off food at the food bank because when she was thirteen, she and her mother had it rough and they were homeless, so she knows how important the food bank is. Sam walks up to a foreman and says they had some extra food and thought the food bank could use it. Food Foreman says, "We sure could -- great, turkeys, we can get ready for the season." Frank waxes responsible about giving back to the needy.
Meanwhile, the Native Americans are back at the lofts to start their initial prep. Betty is glad they cleaned their kitchen and shoos Marcel and Michael back over to the other kitchen-slash-bedroom. Michael didn't mind the splitting off because Marcel and Betty don't get along and he personally doesn't really like how bossy Betty is anyway. Unfortunately, when they get over to Marcel, Frank, and Ilan's loft, the place is a complete mess. Michael comments that he'd throw up if he knew food came from that place and that it smells like "ass and cigarettes." Ass and Cigarettes, that's Paris Hilton's new perfume. Marcel talks about how the place was such a mess, he just had to dump all the toiletries somewhere. They were on the counters and now they're on the floor. Uh-oh, Frank's gonna be MAD! By the way, because of upcoming threats of bodily massacre, I feel the need to point out that we can see a toothbrush sitting PROMINENTLY in a toiletry kit. The kit is on the floor, but the toothbrush isn't. Not at all.
In the clean kitchen, Betty babbles about how pissy she's been feeling about the whole challenge. Elia agrees. Betty says, "Maybe it's my ego about being in the bottom five." Elia assures her it has nothing to do with ego. Elia tells us that she can take criticism when it's fair but right now she's just "really, really upset." Back in the loft kitchen, Elia fiddles with a large whisk in melted chocolate. "At my school they taught me not to leeck the wheesk," she says as she defiantly plunges the whisk into the chocolate and laps a long taste from it. Betty and Carlos laugh. "Or the spatula," Elia says, still licking. Betty smilingly tells us that, "Elia started to lose it a little bit." Back in the kitchen, Elia now has her hair trussed up in a towel and she instructs, "Make sure you have chocolate everywhere." And smacks chocolate on her cheek. Hey, chocolate facials are supposedly very good for your skin. Betty and Carlos continue to laugh uproariously at Elia's antics, even when Elia smears chocolate all over Betty's face. Betty is laughing so hard no sound comes out. Both girls attack Carlos' face with chocolate-coated hands. Betty tells us, shaking her hair all over the place and being very dramatic as per usual, "It's the perfect comic relief for this frustrated, rambunctious, angry, confusion. That we're dealing with." In the kitchen, Carlos laughs that he can't open his eyes. Betty rolls on the floor in hysterics, while Elia stands over her, chocolate hand on chocolate hip and notes, shaking a chocolate finger, "This is the professionalism." I just could not adore Elia more. I really couldn't.
In the other less chocolate-y kitchen, Marcel and Michael work steadily and soberly on their prep work. Marcel pours cranberry liquid into a cupcake tin and notes, "The cranberries are floating. I did not anticipate that." It's a pretty clueless chef who doesn't know that cranberries float. At the very least, watching Ocean Spray commercials with those two Bartles and Jaymes-ish guys standing in a cranberry bog should give you some clue. Time's up for the day.
The Pilgrims rest and sleep on their day off. Marcel joins the Pilgrims in the communal loft and explains what he did with the toiletries and things that were cluttering up the kitchen counters in the other loft. Frank seems to be standing there listening to this and not really reacting. It's hard to tell if he's really there, putting an orange shirt over some fat gold chains and his big hairy belly, but that's what Bravo wants us to think. Son of Sam tells us that Marcel is selfish and hard to work with, "He seems to think he's a cut above everyone else." In the scene, Son of Sam says to Frank, "Your roommate threw your fucking toiletries on the ground, if that kid was my roommate and threw my toiletries on the ground, man --" Son of Sam just exhales to let us all imagine what he would do. I'm fairly certain it has something to do with making a potholder out of Marcel's hair and ladles out of his femurs. Frank sits there, sort of benignly smiling and says, "I haven't dealt with that particular situation yet." I really feel as though he said that and then followed up with the ensuing threats of violence just to save face. Just to be on Team Cool with Sam. If Sam hadn't goaded and instigated, I really don't think Frank would have acted on it. scene, Frank is walking down the hall with a glass of wine in his hand. That's going to be very helpful for his already scary, intense mental state. He checks out his room and his toiletries and sees his Dopp kit on the floor. And once again, we can see that the toothbrush is IN the Dopp kit not ON the FUCKING floor. Frank tells us, "I go back to the room to discover that, yes, my toothbrush is on the floor." Liar. Bloody, bloody liar.
Back in the communal lofts, Frank gets into it -- promo-style -- with Marcel. "I want you to look in my eyes," Frank commands Marcel, putting his two forefingers up to his own eyes in that two-fingered "focus" point move, which is almost a self-inflicted Moe attack, "If you ever touch anything personal of mine, I will beat you so bad that your mother will not recognize you. That was not cool. Don't let it happen." Marcel turns huge wondering eyes, half-amused, on Michael. He then looks over at Ted Ilan, who is laughing. "What are you talking about?" Marcel asks Frank. Frank, his eyes wide and fixed, says, "My toothbrush on the floor?" Marcel calmly says, "I thought I put it in your toiletry bag." You did. Frank just keeps staring at him as he sits down. Marcel tells us, "I guess I'm not Frank's favorite. It's gotten beyond food and it's getting a little personal." What has Marcel done with his hair in this interview scene? It's either tied up in a Goody hair clip or he's top-knotted himself because he also wants to be a Sumotori. Although, considering it's Marcel, it might actually be a scrunchy.
Michael stonishly restates the Elimination challenge for us, "So, it's, like, Thanksgiving morning, and we got, like, four hours to bang out Thanksgiving in a dorm room. It's... like, totally hairy." He is just pure comic relief. Look at that baked on grin of his -- Batali would love him. Betty, Elia, and Carlos sit around their loft and chat a bit. Carlos asks what they are thankful for -- like, are we really supposed to believe this is actually Thanksgiving morning? Because I don't. "Let's go around the table," Carlos says, sounding exactly like Mrs. Carmody, my second-grade teacher, "What are you thankful for, Elia?" Elia opens her mouth to show him her see-food. "Food!" Carlos announces in that same bright classroom tone. Elia tells us, needlessly, that she's not really into the challenge. Back in the kitchen, Elia says with zero expression, "I am thankful because I have Tom Colicchio as my juuuudge." She pauses and then nods, "So thankful." The whole delivery is so perfect: sarcastic and hysterical. I want Elia to help me recap. Hell, I want Elia to have her own show. She could call it, "Chocolate and Sarcasm." She's so awesome.
In the Toothbrush Loft, Marcel and Michael get to work. They're focused. Michael tells us, "I'm doing a twice-baked potato with shrimp, a turkey canapé, and corn, and a cheese plate. I think I'm gonna knock it all down. No problem." He's also doing a mashed potato-something. Marcel babbles that he's going to be cutting it really close and asks Michael, who is shucking corn, "What do you think they're doing door?" Michael grunts that he doesn't know. Most of Michael's responses to Marcel have been grunts in this scene.
door, Carlos meticulously preps his salad. We see a skillet of pepitas (pumpkin seeds), and Carlos is sitting down, slicing garlic cloves. Carlos tells us, "My prep day consists of concentrating on the salad. So, for the four hours, I really try to dedicate myself to my salad." Elia sautés the mushrooms for her soup. Betty complains about the oven temp and tells us she having problems getting her crème brûlées to the right consistency. So far, there's no sign of Marcel helping or hindering her. Okay?
While the Native Americans are hard at it, the Pilgrims have breakfast at Simon L.A. at the Sofitel. After toasting the fact that they aren't cooking Thanksgiving dinner on that hot summer day, the Pilgrims talk smack about the Native Americans. Someone wonders if they picked a leader, and Mia says, "No, I think Marcel pretty much separated himself from the rest of the group and is doing whatever Marcel is gonna do." Dude, they all have to be separate from one another because that's what they're being judged on. Just stop with the trumping up of issues against Marcel. Arrogant he may be, but he's not separating himself from the rest of the Native Americans any more than any of them are. Mia shakes her head that there has to be some level of camaraderie otherwise the whole meal will be a disaster. Much like the Social lunch was?
Back at the lofts, Colicchio arrives for his Sniff 'n' Sneer. He asks what they're working on. Oh, just get out, you big, fat, pink ass! Elia, chopping mushrooms, says, "I am working on chopping my mushrooms." HA! Take THAT, Chef Sniff 'n' Sneer! Colicchio asks what the mushrooms are for. "For a mushroom soup," Elia says, turning around to look at him. "Okay," Colicchio says, sort of confused by her shortness. Elia asks if she can ask him to be honest about something. This should be good. She wants to know what he liked about Cliff's Quickfire dish. Colicchio says he thought it was pretty good. "Really?" Elia says, "I speet eet oowwt." Elia goes on that she was shocked by his decision. "Really?" Colicchio says. "Really, really, really -- I am being sincere, here," Elia says. Colicchio says, "You had to try the whole thing." Elia responds, "I was so mad and demotivated, but if you're saying that you really liked the flavors." Colicchio's thinking, "I really don't care about you being 'demotivated,' if that's even a word and I don't think it is, but DING! DING! DING! I'm totally going to throw it back at you at the Judges' Table." Colicchio says he was judging both on taste and how the products were used, "I thought it was good." Elia tells us that she now totally respects Colicchio's decision because she has come to realize that they simply have completely different palates, "I respect this man and he's my judge and I have to stick with his decisions." Dammit. I loved it when Elia was hating Colicchio -- it was so hysterical. Elia tells us she's now going to do her very best on the soup. I know they're couching it as being so Thanksgiving-ly for them to be cooking at home, but I can't help wondering if this was one of the times the Krapmore Kitchens broke down.
In the Toothbrush Kitchen, Marcel and Michael work. Marcel tells us that he was the only one who really understood the concept of the challenge and was using cutting edge techniques.
Non-Toothbrush Kitchen, Carlos is pretty happy with his salad. He knows it's not his best effort, but he doesn't think its as bad as Michael's sides. "Beige, beige, beige!" Carlos announces. Michael rebuts to us that Carlos spending all that time on a salad is just setting himself up to go home. Betty barks commands about what order the dishes will go out, but then Colicchio walks in and she's all bright and smiley and "Hi, Chef!" Behind Colicchio walks Anthony "Eat My Nasty Bits" Bourdain. Colicchio announces that he brought a guest who needs no introduction. The Native Americans React with various bowing and scraping. Michael tells us, "He's not afraid to tell someone their food sucks; I just hope he doesn't tell me I suck." Colicchio and Bourdain leave.
The Pilgrims are already seated at the table when Colicchio and Bourdain walk in. The Pilgrims get very excited when they see who will be eating with them. Bourdain looks bored by the reaction. I'll be he'd take more interest if they were snorting coke through pig penises. The Pilgrims go through their various bowing and scraping motions. "Looking forward to smashing their hopes and dreams and ambitions," Bourdain tells the group calmly.
The meal gets underway with Michael sauntering his amuse bouche out. Michael explains, "All right, so I just got a little canapé. It's turkey meat, kind of a little spin on deviled egg. Happy Thanksgiving, it was a pleasure to serve you." Michael leaves. Everyone likes the canapé, even the Pilgrims. Carlos serves his roasted butternut squash salad with chipotle peppers, queso fresco, and pumpkin seeds . "It was bland," Frank says. Since he really doesn't seem to be a salad sort of guy, I really wonder how good a judge Frank is when it comes to them. Colicchio thinks "it's a bunch of mesclun greens" and notes that the fried onion garnish was burned. He adds, "I'm not really sure I get the dish at all." I hate it when the judges say that -- there's just something so ambiguous yet snotty about it. It's a shrug and shrugs are rude and dismissive. Anthony Disdain delivers his judgment as he toys with the remains on his plate, "It's limp. It's unattractive." I don't really see how a colorful salad is "unattractive," Bourdain. You're unattractive!
Elia dishes up her mushroom soup and brings it out. It's a portobello and button mushroom cream soup with walnuts and chives. Everyone likes it. Time for Marcel's third course: a turkey roulade with stuffing in the very middle and a cranberry gelée with cranberry foam. Son of Sam shoots down the roulade for being so dry. Ted Ilan gets in on the Marcel bashing and says, "I think there's way too much cranberry." "A bit too tart," Cliff adds. Now it's time for Frank's red face and elevated rant, "Marcel's plate has been a mirror image of EVERY PLATE THAT HE'S DONE IN THIS WHOLE COMPETITION! I can't stand the little punk." What the hell is he ranting about? Marcel hasn't really had the opportunity to do foams and gelées for all his molecular gastronobragging. So far, he's done ONE gelée, ZERO foams, and ZERO roulades. So, Frank? Please do take a ten-year-old fruitcake and cram it sideways. After watching Frank turn the same color as the cranberry gelée, Padmadala says she doesn't mind the roulade, since, after all, they did ask them to do something cutting edge. Bourdain agrees that the roulade is too dry but he likes the idea behind it all: "Astro Boy has balls." Frank just sits there, quietly stewing in a juice of his own squeezing. Colicchio sycophantically agrees that Marcel took a stand. Michael comes back with his trio of sides: twice-baked potato with shrimp; parsnip mashed potatoes; and corn with parmesan. Michael leaves. Mia frowns as Bourdain laughs, "This is an atrocity! Two potatoes, I mean, and it's all white too!" "All white!" Gail repeats. Bourdain sort of goes on a bit more. Cliff shakes his head, but it's hard to tell if he's shaking his head over what he's eating or because Bourdain is rather overstating the case. Finally, Bourdain gets in his big sound bite and asks Colicchio: "What kind of crack house are you running here?" Well, you would know from crack houses. Colicchio makes a big show of laughing hard at this rapier wit. Mia announces she is enjoying the twice-baked potato more than the dry turkey roulade.
In the kitchen, Betty readies her crème brûlées. Marcel tells us he's done for the day, so he asked Betty how he could help her. While Marcel torches the brulées from a culinarily safe distance, Betty realizes the ginger on top of the brulées is burning. She swears. She tells us, "I had decided to put some crystallized ginger and some fresh hazelnut on top of the pumpkin and then added the hazelnut on top and when I go to brulée it, they both start to burn." Okay, the patently stupid decision to put those garnishes on top of a pre-brulée brulée was hers and hers alone. Nothing Marcel did ruined her dish, as she will later accuse him. Marcel and Elia help Betty scrape the ginger and hazelnut off the brulées.
Betty walks in and singsongs, "Hello -- it's sugar time." I really want to smack her. She presents her "very unique" pumpkin and chai crème brulée and her chocolate crème brulée with "the essence of hazelnut." The brulées are accompanied by a shot of French roast coffee "with a touch of vanilla" whipped cream. Big whoop. Aside from being completely pedestrian, her brulées look as though they've sunk really low in their ramekins. Also, Betty? Get rid of the gold halter top with sequins the size of salad plates. You look like half of a drag queen. Mia comments that the signature hard-crack sugar top of a crème brulée just isn't there. "A custard with sugar over the top is not crème brulée," Colicchio agrees. Bourdain now has the floor, "I think what has happened here is what has happened throughout the meal -- a complete failure of the imagination. I mean this? Four hours? Four hours? This?" Colicchio holds his head in his hands. Bourdain makes a sour face and dramatically flings his cutlery down on his plate with a clatter. Michael walks out, saying, "A little cheese platter." "More?" a few people wonder. The cheese plate has Applewood Cheddar, Gouda, Port-Salut, Parmigiano-Reggiano, and Brie. There's a pile of julienned apple or pear in the middle and that pile is topped with candied nuts. Michael leaves. "I like cheese," Bourdain says mildly. "I love cheese," Gail trumps him, "But why are we eating it now?" "Desperation?" Bourdain suggests. Doggedly, Gail makes the point that cheese should traditionally be served before the sweet dessert, not after. Ah, but that's where Michael's being cutting edge about it! He's bucking tradition and presenting you with the unexpected! Seriously -- Michael is brilliant! He's the most cutting-edge of all! Cheese after dessert. It's going to be the big trend! "The mission was what? Stretch the boundaries? Push the envelope? No," Bourdain says shaking his head at everyone. I think they all feel ashamed.
At the Judges' Table, Bourdain repeats his sentiments that no one really took a chance with the challenge. They smack down Carlos' salad, praise Elia's soup, half-praise Marcel's dish, and slam Betty's dessert. Hysterically, when they turn to Michael's sides of beige -- which Colicchio can't believe he actually had the nerve to make -- Bourdain says, "That was so perverse, so inappropriate, I'm almost beginning to respect him." Bourdain goes on to say that the single-most enjoyable mouthful of food was the twice-baked potato. Problem was, as Colicchio points out, it wasn't cutting edge. Gail reminds them all of Michael's tasty amuse bouche, and Padmadala announces that she liked the cheese plate. Bourdain manages to drop another bon not, "It's like Charles Manson and Betty Crocker had a lovechild and he's cooking for me." Colicchio's screwed up face clearly says, "Must. Laugh. At. Everything. Bourdain. Says." Padmadala goes to get the Native Americans.
Gail starts off by asking if the Native Americans had a leader. "I thought I had some clever ideas to put a spin on it but they were shot down," Michael starts. What were his ideas, the judges want to know. "I wanted to make, like, a turducken lasagna. Could do like a layer of chicken or duck-chicken --" Colicchio interrupts to ask why he didn't do that because he thinks it sounds good. Michael repeats that he was shot down. Betty widens her eyes innocently. The judges give him props for his amuse bouche. Michael smiles that he's getting a "little redemption." Padmadala agrees that he did redeem himself with the amuse bouche. Colicchio wants to know what was cutting edge about the twice-baked potato. "I don't know, man, I just thought by putting some shrimp in it, maybe, I don't know, I've never eaten them with shrimp, you know, at home, so that's like a spin, you know?" Michael grins. Colicchio covers his eyes, laughing. "I love you like a son, already!" Bourdain announces. "Oh-ho-ho!" Betty laughs in disbelief. Bourdain admires Michael's sheer contrariness. Michael makes a mental note to look up "contrariness" and then immediately wonders what it was he was going to go look up. Bourdain goes on, "Your twice-baked potato, in spite of its absolutely Flintstonian execution, it was the single (for me) most enjoyable mouthful of food that I had this evening. The taste, it didn't suck." Okay, I have to admit, "Flintstonian" was absolutely hysterical. Turning to the salad, Bourdain wonders why Carlos chose it. Carlos says he didn't choose it but no one else wanted to do it, "so I decided to grab it by the reins." Colicchio points out that Carlos didn't have to make a salad. Carlos agrees, he didn't have to, but he did and he is very proud of what he did. Colicchio makes an "oookay" face. "It's Thanksgiving and you should be thankful for your friends and the food that you have because some people don't even have food," Carlos opines pollyannaishly. "Bad isn't it?" Colicchio says sarcastically. "Be nice!" Carlos orders. Colicchio makes another disdainful face.
Moving on, Colicchio wants to know what Carlos spent four hours on. Carlos details that spent an hour on roasting the squash -- most of that would be inactive time -- and he also prepared the mirepoix for Marcel and Michael. "So, in four hours, you made dressing and you roasted squash," Colicchio calculates. "Listen, if you're saying that I sat on my butt while I was just doing salad," Carlos says. Well, we did get quite a few shots of you doing just that. Granted, you were also slicing garlic when you sat on your butt, but still. Colicchio repeats that he just wants to know what he spent four hours on. Carlos just looks angry and doesn't answer. Turning to Marcel, Marcel likes his dish but knows his turkey was dry, "But, you know, it's tough to do when you're trying to sous-vide without a thermal immersion circulator." "You don't need that to do sous-vide, you're making excuses," Colicchio interrupts. "Um, but, I know," Marcel says. I don't know why that made me laugh, but it did. Betty looks very smug during Marcel's roasting. Colicchio does give props for Marcel's idea of "cutting-edge" being far beyond that of the other Native Americans. They briefly touch on Elia, who says that she liked her mushroom soup.
Getting to Betty, she admits that her brûlées could have been much better. "Why?" Gail asks. "I enlisted the help of two other people [cut to Marcel and Elia], I realized that I should have done the entire thing myself, because I know how I like to brûlée it, and that's where my dish failed. I was very happy with the texture, I was very happy with the flavors, but I was not happy with the brûlée." Dude, I just LOST it at this point. I can't FUCKING believe she's going to sit there and blame other people, who HELPED HER SUN-WRINKLED ASS, for the failure of her stupid brûlées. It wasn't HOW the damn things were brûléed, it was the shit on top that was burning! There is no "way" those things could have been brûléed and NOT burned, you toothy hag! Plus, she was already complaining about the heat of the oven and the custard consistency before anyone else even TOUCHED her precious brûlées. Wench. Hag. WENCH! Colicchio announces that he "didn't find it to be a crème brûlée." "You didn't taste the chai?" Betty asks. That's not what he said; he said nothing about tasting the flavors, Bitchy, he said he didn't find it to be a crème brûlée. Colicchio thinks was just pie filling. "Yes, it was," Betty agrees proudly. "But that's not a crème brûlée," Colicchio points out. Marcel gets a small smile on his face that he tries hard to suck back into his mouth. "Just because you stick something in a vessel and put sugar on the top and burn it doesn't make it crème brûlée," Colicchio tells her. Bourdain wants to know what was cutting edge about her dish. Betty says that cutting edge is not her style and she does comfort food. Bourdain rolls his eyes. You know, ol' Tony is getting so weathered and leathered, he's starting to look like a really bad Humphrey Bogart impersonator. Colicchio finally cuts to the chase and said the two dishes that stood out were Marcel's and Elia's. Bourdain announces that while he admires Marcel's audaciousness and how seriously he leapt into the point of the challenge, Elia wins the competition.
Colicchio says they now have to figure out who is going home. He asks Betty who she thinks should go home, but Betty refuses to answer. "I'll go first," Michael announces. "I was working my ass off today and Carlos made a salad for four hours." Carlos is asked who he would send home. "Betty's crème brûlée was a little bit lacking," Carlos says. Betty forces a big, tight smile. Padmadala turns back to Betty and says, "Betty, now that you've had --" "CARLOS IS OUT!" Betty screeches, throwing her thumb back. Gail cocks her head in confusion at Betty's throbbing vein. "GONE!" Betty goes on. When asked why, Betty says that Carlos salad was the weakest dish and adds, "I don't like Marcel -- Marcel is difficult to work with, so for that purpose alone I would vote that Marcel would be gone from the competition, but out of these two, it would be Carlos." The Native Americans are sent away so the judges can confer.
In the back, Betty screeches, "Carlos threw me under the bus again!" Michael says, "They were trying to get Betty to crack and we weren't leaving, until --" Betty proudly tells the group, which includes Marcel, "I said Marcel." She's such a bitch. "You chose him to go home? Really?" Sam exclaims, talking across Marcel. "I'm still not a fan of his tactics," Betty adds, also talking across Marcel. "Tactics?" Marcel repeats, "As a person?" Betty nods, not looking at him. HATE. "Yeah, I still think you're selfish," Betty says. SELFISH?! When he HELPED your haggy, pig-tailed ass? Oh, man, if you -- wait, sorry, Marcel, this is your fight. Go ahead. Let her have it. "Didn't I help you?" Marcel asks. "Yeah," is all Betty says. "Okay, did you ever once ask me for help?" Marcel asks. I assume he means, did Betty ever offer to help him. "I told you --" Betty begins to hedge. Marcel snaps and jumps to his feet saying, "You never once offered to help me, I help you --" "Come on, baby, bring it on!" Betty taunts. "How could you ever tell me that I'm selfish?" Marcel demands. He's waving his arms around like he's rapping this whole thing. It's really funny. "Well, let's see -- you came and didn't even help to set up that kitchen," Betty says. What?! "Did you help my set up my kitchen?" Marcel raps. "Marcel, I help you all the time," Betty says. Whatever. "Did you ask me if I needed help today?" Marcel demands. Betty starts to hedge again, "I told you --" "Did you ask me, it's a yes or no question," Marcel insists. "NO, IT'S NOT A YES OR NO QUESTION, IT'S AN EXPLANATION! SO SIT THE FUCK DOWN, IF YOU'RE ASKING ME A QUESTION AND LET ME TELL YOU THE ANSWER!" Betty squalls, her neck totally purple. And the paint just peeled all off my walls. Seriously, I think Betty's fishwife voice does not belong in the kitchen. Or around anyone who can hear. So, Betty, you get angry when you know you're completely and unabashedly wrong, don't you? Also, watching her neck pulse from blue to purple reminded me to put Scanners in my Netflix queue. I loathe Betty so damn much now. She has no excuse -- NO EXCUSE! She didn't offer to help Marcel yet she calls HIM selfish? And you better not call her on it because all the dogs in your neighborhood will start howling at the sound of her crazy-ass voice. "I'm not sitting," Marcel says, shrugging. "Did I have to help you?" "No," Betty says, "And I kinda wish you didn't because my brûlée was one of the things that sucked." Oh, I can't FUCKING believe her! You know, it's as pathetic as Tiffani blaming Harold because every other cheftestant thought she was such a bitch. "And you blame that on me?" Marcel asks. "Well, you were one of the people that did it!" Betty announces. No, Betty, you were the trollop who decided that putting nuts and crystallized ginger pre-brûlée was a good idea. Loser. "I thought we were cool," Marcel says. "You're still selfish and I'm not okay with that," Betty says, shaking her head. "I'm still selfish and you're still a bitch," Marcel adds. YES! YES! YES! "You know, I hope you fucking go home," Marcel finishes. Betty forces a smile but you can tell she's upset. Can't eat the shit you dish, can you?
The judges deliberate. Bourdain decides that Michael did his dishes with soul "and some kind of, maybe delusional, belief in himself." The other dishes are bashed as well. Gail says, "[Betty] really believed that it was the best she could do and that she gave it her all, well, if that's the best you can do, is this competition for you?" "No," Colicchio answers, "You know, I don't want to hear, 'I do comfort food.' Well? So do I. That's a poor excuse." Yeah, you never much liked Dave's comfort food even though he never used it as an excuse.
Judges' Table. Colicchio dings them, "Nothing was necessarily cutting edge, but more importantly, nothing was good." Betty blinks at him. "And you can roll your eyes and think that's harsh but you know what? It wasn't good," Colicchio goes on. Oh, man! I think I might love him a little for that! Hells yeah, Colicchio, call Betty on her eye rolling and her bad cooking! Colicchio dresses down each cheftestant individually. Padmadala tells Carlos he's knife'd. Carlos walks out. Padmadala excuses the rest of them. On his way out, Michael shakes Bourdain's hand and says, "It's a pleasure." "Focus, dude!" Bourdain tells him. Michael promises he will. And Bourdain should never say "dude" ever, ever again.
In the back, Carlos announces he's going home to have a margarita and he will toast all the wonderful chefs he met on the show. "Remember, good luck and break an egg," Carlos says. Everyone gets up to shake his hand or hug him goodbye. Carlos tells us he is surprised he didn't go further in the competition because he still had a few tricks up his sleeve. "I came here for my Top Chef diploma, and I may not graduate but I definitely got an education." Was that speech one of the tricks up your sleeve? Carlos ceremoniously bangs the back of a hanging pan and leaves.
week: Sam seems to be freaking out, though it's hard to tell from how staid he is when he tells us, and Frank says Michael can't cook his way out of a paper bag unless it had French fries.