TGI Top Chef

By Keckler

So, you know how Top Chef has that whole boilerplate that says, "[w]inning and elimination decisions were made by the judges in consultation with producers"? Yeah, well, consult this. Emily of Nob Hill restaurant in Vegas is knife'd tonight for what amounts to over-salting her TGI Friday's food. However, Michael -- the tobacco-dipping, Animal Houseian Flounder -- is allowed to stay for his chewy, overcooked, unimaginative steak sandwich mess on a plate. EVENTHOUGH all the judges have issues with his slack-ass attitude. EVENTHOUGH, unlike Emily in the very first Quickfire, he hasn't really done that well in the last few episodes.

You know what I think? I think Emily was far too quiet a cheftestant, not scandalous enough, didn't have a cheesecake calendar, and therefore Bravo decided she wasn't "good TV." Damn it, and I had her picked as one of the final four!

What else happened? Well, the Quickfire was to make ice cream and pimp it on the mean sands of Redondo Beach. Marisa, for all her pastry-chefedness, is in the bottom three along with Marcel, who comes in dead last with his rather revolting bacon and avocado ice cream. An ice cream, mind you, which caused small children to WIPE their tongues off with NAPKINS. Cliff's marshmallow cookie ice cream wins and he gets immunity.

For the Elimination Challenge, the cheftestants are ordered to prepare food worthy of a TGI Friday's restaurant, so you can imagine the resulting Harold-ish pissing and moaning about how so many of them are above that kind of crap. In the middle of the challenge, Betty decides she's had enough of Marcel's bitching about his unfried onion rings and calls him out for being a self-involved prick -- something I haven't really seen too much of yet from him, to be honest -- so Marcel retaliates by taunting her during her turn in the kitchen. Not a cool move given that Betty waited until Marcel was done cooking before she told him exactly what she thought of him. Regardless, Betty wins the challenge and screams so loud she scares the judges. And my cats.

Emily, Michael, and Frank are in the bottom three, but as I already said, I can't figure out a non-contrived reason why Michael was left in and Emily was knife'd out. Of course, those of us who are truly dedicated to Top Chef already knew Frank wouldn't be oeuf'd, because previews show him going all Sopranos on Marcel in a future episode when he tells him he'll "beat [him] so bad his mother won't even recognize him." Or something to that generally violent effect.

It's morning, and we hear Frank sawing logs in the bottom bunk. "Wake up, you snoring beast," Marcel says almost sultrily and throws something at Frank's Breathe-Righted face. I love those things. Glowering, Son of Sam rubs his face and wonders if Frank should be his victim. Marcel tells us, "I've got culinary knowledge, and I'm best at avant-garde culinary gastronomy." He goes on that other cheftestants don't have the knowledge and experience he has. Betty tells us that the "casual comfort food" is what she, Mia, and Michael have experience preparing. Michael drawls to us that he doesn’t care about other chefs, because, dude, you know, dude, he, like, totally cooks, like, good food, you know? He goes on, "I have a little strategy, I want to stay in the middle because I don't want people to think, like, I'm a threat." Flounder, dude, no one thinks you're a threat.

The cheftestants file into their Kenmore Kitchen, which, according to Emily's Chow interview, sucks major ass. In the interview, she goes off on the burners, the ovens that screw up their temperatures (which might explain Lee Anne's fiasco last season), and the fact that the cheftestants all joked they didn't want to win because they didn't want to be saddled with such inferior appliances. They seem to be good enough for a home kitchen, but not at all for a restaurant kitchen. I love Emily for dishing that to us. Padma stands in front of the cheftestants wearing Nair-sponsored shorts and says, "As you know, two chefs are gone, and there are THIRteen of you left. Many of you are used to cooking for fine dining customers, but only THIRty-eight percent of AMERicans EAT in FINE dining restaurants. We want to see if you understand how to create original and exciting food... for the MAN on the street."

Side note: did anyone watch Martha last Monday when Padmadala was her guest? Not only does Martha snark on Padmadala's shorts, which of course, we're all doing, but Martha lets loose her green-eyed monster just days before Halloween. She tells her audience that she saw Padmadala at The Today Show and she saw "this beautiful woman, and she's in this pink dress that's very, very, very form-fitting." Martha then makes sure to add, "And I didn't know who you were at first." Which is a bit of an ouch, you know? All poor Padmadala can say, very politely, is, "Oh." Padmadala then goes on to pay Martha some very nice compliments after which Martha says, "Now, I'm not supposed to mention this but I do know your husband." Padmadala nods, a bit annoyed, I think because it's been reported she wants her professional life kept separate from that of her husband's. Clearly, that was her desire going onto Martha's show, but Martha decided to mention it anyway. You can see Padmadala even make a slightly annoyed face at the mention. And why does Martha mention it anyway? I'll tell you why. Martha wants to make sure everyone knows that before there was even a Padmadala in the picture, Martha had Salman Rushdie over to her house "a couple of times." Padmadala finally gets a word in edgewise and says, "Yes, you made him a hamburger, he said. And I asked him what that was like and he said, 'Well, you know, it's Martha Stewart, so --'" Martha then quickly tries to interrupt saying, "I made him hors d'oeuvres one night, too." "' -- it was the most perfect hamburger,'" Padmadala manages to finish quoting her husband. "Well, he's wonderful," Martha says dismissively. It just seemed to me a very jealous exchange on Martha's part. Here Padmadala is, telling her how excited she is to be on Martha's show and how great she thinks Martha is, and Martha has to get in these little digs about mentioning Padmadala's famous husband when she's not supposed to mention him and also having Padmadala's famous husband over for dinner. Several times! It smacked of, "Well, you might look good in shorts and a very, very, very, form-fitting pink dress, but I didn't even know who you were when I first saw you and also? I knew your husband first." [Optional stuck out tongue]

Back to Top Chef, Padma tells them they'll be making ice cream. Marisa immediately gets smug and tells us that she got really exxxcited about the challenge because she puts ice cream with almost every single dessert she makes. She's hoping to get immunity on the challenge. Padma shows them all the fruits, cookies, marshmallows, and stuff they get to use and tells them they all get to use a Cuisinart ice cream maker of their very own. Later we see that they're not using the kind I have, they're using the two-hundred dollar variety. "Since ICE cream takes time to freeze, you'll have two hours and forty-five minutes to create three quarts of ice cream," Padma tells them, as if she's giving them a huge gift of time. Alton would be so pissed. For proper ice cream consistency and texture, you need to chill the custard overnight, and then you need chill the churned shit OVERNIGHT! Two hours and forty-five minutes, my ass. Cliff tells us he's never made ice cream in his life. THIS WILL BE IMPORTANT LATER. Padmadala tells them they will be pimping their frozen wares at the Redondo Beach Seaside Lagoon. It's hot outside, so she's sure they will have lots of customers. She's wearing a pelvic exam in the form of shorts, so I'm sure they will have lots of customers.

Food flurry. Betty tells us she's never made ice cream in her life. Yeah, I think she looks like a more weathered than usual Suzanne Somers. Carlos bitches to us about the time constraints. I hear you, babe. At one point, Emily tests her custard and announces, "Still too hot, you frickin' bastard!" I really sort of love her for that. Emily explains she's doing a chocolate-lavender combo, which sounds incredibly awesome. I mean, I've usually only had lavender in vanilla-based ice creams but lavender truffles are all the rage these days. Son of Sam fiddles with his recipe and tells us that because he's not a pastry chef and is also diabetic, he's doesn't eat the sweet stuff and he doesn't make it. Ted Ilan tells us he's "into breakfast flavors," so he grabbed bacon and started making waffles. Ew. No, really, EW. I definitely think bacon can make everything better, hell, I even like to drink bacon, but when I contemplated bacon ice cream, I WAS KIDDING! Marcel blathers to us about new flavor profiles and how's he's making bacon-avocado ice cream. Urg -- it's sounds like a Cobb Salad ice cream. Ted Ilan bitches that Marcel is copying him. In the kitchen, Ted Ilan tastes Marcel's ice cream and makes a disgusted face behind Marcel's back. "Whaddaya think, Ilan? Marcel asks. "Nice," Ted Ilan lies. For reasons of possibly starting to feel sorry for Marcel that I'll explain later in the recap, I'm simultaneously starting to dislike Ted Ilan.

Padmadala walks in, wearing her crotchety shorts and her silver lamé stacked sandals, and tells them they have five minutes. Marcel tells us, "I was actually sort of stoked because I was one of the few people who had the proper consistency of an ice cream." He's a bit poncie to be sure, but I still don't hate him yet. Betty tells us she knew Marcel's flavor was going to tank with the public.

Redondo Beach Lagoon. Children are everywhere. Emily tells us, "I was hoping the demographic was not going to be a bunch of snotty little kids. It was a bunch of snotty little kids. I hate kids." I think I love her even more. Straps around their necks, the cheftestants hold their baseball game vendor steaming dry ice trays. According to Emily's Chow interview, one of them got a pretty serious chemical burn from the dry ice. She never said who it was, but I really suspect it was Marisa for some reason. It goes with the knife nick. The masses are lined up to get their small spoonful of free ice cream, and we are told that they will be the ones voting and determining the winner. I think it's odd that none of the judges partook in the tasting. They probably didn't want to deal with the extreme heat of the day. Betty jostles wildly around, singing about her ice cream to the kids. Seeing that she can't sit still, maybe she's the one who got the chemical burn. Marisa tells us that it was chaotic with all the kids, and it was not what she expected out of the challenge. She made a vanilla peanut with swirls ice cream. Doesn't sound too bad. Cliff talks up his marshmallow, graham cracker, and cookie ice cream, while Michael explains that his peanut butter, jelly, and banana ice cream was Elvis' favorite. Only if it has amphetamine sprinkles. Betty showcases her Redondo Beach Berry with "a homemade chocolate sawwwwwwce." She is so dramatic. It's getting annoying, actually. Ted Ilan explains that his waffle and bacon ice cream "is like eating breakfast." Of course, if you want to eat breakfast you could just... eat breakfast. But what do I know? Ted Ilan tells us that while some of the kids liked his ice cream, others hated it, but he thinks it's delicious and he's very happy with it. Carlos talks about his vanilla bean ice cream with marshmallows and avocados. He doesn't tell the kids about the avocados, just the adults. Smart move, dude. I think both Carlos and Michael act perpetually stoned in their interviews. As we move on to Sam and his ginger snap and citrus crumble ice cream, which sounds awesome, the bamp-chicka-bamp-bamp music whines up. I'm totally serious. Sam tells us, "I got voted one of New York's ten sexiest chefs, so it makes my ability to flirt better, so when the mothers are coming through with their children, I, you know, get them a little... riled up." As annoying a speech as that was from him, I have to admit he looked like he didn't even want to say "riled up." It was pretty funny. ["And fucking hot, you have to admit." -- Joe R] Emily tells us she thinks Sam is going to win "especially since all the pre-teen girls figured out he looks like Ashton Kutcher." On what planet does Son of Sam look like Ashton Kutcher? Ashton Kutcher is a boring smear of regular features; Son of Sam is much more interesting.

Hysterically, when Marcel tells people his flavor is avocado and bacon, he has people shaking their heads saying, "Sorry, dude." One woman in a light blue Grand Canyon Gilligan hat, shudders in disgust after tasting Marcel's. Mia tells us kids were actually spitting Marcel's ice cream out and then wiping down their tongues with their napkins. Shades of Tom Hanks eating caviar. Josie decides to do a little racial profiling as she announces her peach cobbler flavor to an old black woman and says, "I know you know what a cobbler is! Bwahahahaha!" Emily describes her Calming Chocolate with Lavender. I think that flavor and Son of Sam's are my virtual favorites -- they are the ones I'd order if I saw them on a menu. I think they would even taste good in the same bowl. As the camera centers in on one of LA's more generously proportioned citizens, Emily tells us, "I did have one lady telling me that she didn't think there was enough sugar in it." And here is what I love about this comment, Emily gets all Jersey-accent on us, and goes on, "The last thing you need wich yourah fourah teeth and yourah yooge ass is sugah!" I loved that, LOVED IT!

Back in the Kenmore Kitchen, the votes have been tallied, and Padmadala has traded her pap smear shorts for some jeans and a denim vesty tank top. Padmadala tells us the bottom three are Marisa (D'OH!), Emily, and Marcel, with Marcel being the absolute bottom of the ice cream barrel in getting only seven votes. Marcel is sort of funny with his reaction. He's all, "Oh, damn!" and bites back a smile at how awful he did. See, I just can't hate him. He's simply not as in-your-face-obnoxious as Stephen was. Michael jokingly slaps Marcel's back. In the top three, two are tied for runner-up: Son of Sam and Carlos. The runners-up air-knock knuckles. Cliff wins it all. Marisa tells us, "I'm feeling less confident because Cliff won, but honestly, I don't think it had anything to do with the quality of his ice cream." You know, sour grapes would actually be a good sorbet flavor. Think about it, Marisa.

Padmadala introduces Stephen Bulgarelli, the Senior Director and Executive Chef of the TGI Friday's restaurants. He's their guest judge this week and he wants all the cheftestants to create a dish that would appeal to the TGI Friday's guests. TGI Friday's is such a cheese sauce restaurant, and I really can't blame the cheftestants for being a bit annoyed by such a challenge. Emily was right when she said in her Chow interview -- sorry to keep going back to that, but I really did find it to be a mine of interesting information and I'm not just saying that because I work for them -- that most of the cheftestants (maybe even all) don't aspire to create dishes for TGI Friday's. To quote Emily, "This is not why you work Christmas, this is not why you live in rat-trap apartments, this is not what you aspire to."

Exactly -- if Tyler Florence's big, greasy face wants to do that for Applebees and become branded, that's his choice, but these are chefs who aim higher than a menu item at Friday's. I'd hazard a guess that if they wanted to be cooking for Friday's, they'd be doing it now. I don't find anything snobbish in that assertion of hers since it's just a fact. She works at Michael Mina's Nob Hill, she doesn't want to work at or for Friday's. I also think this was different from the microwave or gas station challenge of last year. Those were challenges that had more to do with how the cheftestants used their ingenuity in putting out food under extreme circumstances than anything else. The TGI Friday's challenge is just... very bland and middle-of-the-roadie. I also can't help but think that this challenge is really about Bravo making a lucrative deal with the chain and not about seeing how the cheftestants can perform to cheese sauce standards.

Chef Friday's explains that he wants the cheftestants to take childhood comfort food and put an adult spin on it. "My challenge to you is to take your childhood favorite, turn it into the 'WOW' TGI Friday's entrées that our consumers will crave." And then they'll roll it in coconut, deep fry it, and serve it with a dipping sauce. The winning entrée -- note that it was supposed to be an entrée and not a dessert, Marisa -- will be featured on TGI Friday's menus at over five hundred locations. "Which means," Chef Friday's finishes, "One of you will get national recognition for your entrée." Dude, they're getting national recognition now. On TV. Betty's huge teeth tell us, "This is exactly what I do in my restaurant -- we are California comfort food!" Yeah, but Betty, I have a feeling you do it better than Friday's ever would.

The cheftestants will shop that afternoon, then prep, and finish their dishes at the South Pasadena Firehouse, where they will be serving their entrées to firemen. Josie tells us, "I have many firemen as friends. I think they're, you know, what we call the unsung heroes." Hon, they haven't been "unsung" since September 11th and Rescue Me. Padmadala announces that Michael used to work at TGI Friday's, and she assures everyone that Michael will not get preferential treatment, nor will he have his month-long stint at Friday's held against him. Well, if she's not going to hold it against him, I am.

The cheftestants shop at a Wild Oats, which is much, MUCH nicer than the Wild Oats I visited in San Diego. This one actually has aisles! Marcel is not feeling comfortable with the comfort food. I'm not comfortable with the image of you styling your hair with a vacuum attachment. Emily, also a cook in the four stars, high-class, fine dining arena, is likewise unhappy with this challenge. People, as much as I might agree with you, let it go. Comfort food can be high end if you just let your brain go there. Gorgonzola mashed potatoes with whipped butter and a wildflower honey-glazed pork chop? Forget that it's Friday's and get creative! Most of the places I like to eat are stuffed with comfort food. Zuni Café is renowned for serving the best roast chicken and Caesar salad in the city. They have other stuff on the menu, but everyone regularly comes back for those two items. In fact, the popularity of the chicken and the Caesar salad sort of annoys the kitchen as well as owner, Judy Rodgers, because they all feel they are making a lot of other great stuff that isn't being eaten. Another bit of comfort food on that menu? A bowl of polenta covered with mascarpone and/or Parmigiano-Reggiano. We usually go with the "and" on that order. Upscale comfort food is all over the place, and for chefs like Marcel or Emily to make it shouldn't be considered a lowering event.

Michael picks up some beer for himself. It looks like a four-pack of Boddington's. Niiiice. thing we see is Michael getting rung up and being over his budget by forty-eight cents. That's what the register screen says, even though Michael says, "One forty-eight?" No, Flounder, it's "one hundred and forty eight." Son of Sam comes up and asks what Michael decided to do. He says, "I took off two cheeses." Wait, why two? Given that you were only over by forty-eight cents, I think one would have been enough, dude. We see from the register screen that he took back a sharp cheddar and nothing else. Son of Sam questions Michael keeping his beer over the cheese and tells us he thinks Michael is out of his mind and isn't in the competition to win. Michael refuses to get rid of his beer and asks, "Is there cheese in the pantry?" "No," Son of Sam tells him. You'd think by the set-up that something was going to result from this later, but it doesn't.

Oh, and look! This episode is heavily brought to you by TGI Friday's!

Food flurry. Cliff is making mac and cheese and fish sticks. Josie bangs the flat of a sauté pan as a "zen way of getting out frustrations," corn is zipped off the cob, and carrots are sliced. Colicchio arrives for his Sniff 'n' Sneer. Betty is all smiles -- AND TEETH -- as she asks if it's against the rules for Colicchio to taste her soup. Colicchio says he can taste it, he just can't comment on it. Betty says, "Okay, I'm going to look in your eyes and get some sort of a --" Colicchio nearly chokes on the soup for laughing because he has his eyes closed. That was an uncharacteristically human moment for Coldickio. It was nice. Moving on, Colicchio talks to Frank who tells him, "I am making Alice in Wonderland's Mushroom Fantasy." Frank stacks white button mushroom caps on top of five-inch-long scored or fluted cucumbers. The fluted look can be easily done by taking a channel knife -- used by bartenders for citrus spirals -- and stripping off sections of cucumber peel. Colicchio laughs, "Is the childhood memory a drug experience?" Seriously. Frank laughs with him and explains that Alice in Wonderland is his daughter's favorite movie and he used to watch it with her. Colicchio moves on to Emily, who was about to taste her own corn. Colicchio comments, "It's a good thing you're tasting your food," as she hands over a bite to him. Colicchio has no reaction or comment. As he slices up watermelon, peppers, and pineapple, Son of Sam tells Colicchio he's doesn't have any experience with TGI Friday's food. I don't know if he means cooking it or eating it. After moving on to Michael and learning that he has a brother who is a firefighter, Colicchio jokes that Michael has "too many" inside tracks.

Outside the Kenmore Kitchen, Colicchio tells the cameras that Marisa was disappointed not to win the ice cream challenge, so she's going right back to what she knows and making a fruit crisp dessert. Again, I thought the challenge was about entrées.

As Marcel prepares buttermilk-soaked onion rings, he tells the camera he doesn't know if he's ever made onion rings before. Marcel tells us that he's been doing fine dining for so long that it would be a "huge blow" for him to lose a casual dining challenge. Marcel shakes a large, wide metal bowl with onion rings in flour and explains, "The key to breading is keeping one hand dry at all times." He's right. I didn't know that the first time I did dredged meat through egg wash, flour, and breadcrumbs in culinary school, and I had to keep pulling dough rags off the tips of my fingers. It was annoying, but I learned my lesson. Meanwhile, Betty glares at Marcel and tells us, "That man [come on, is Marcel really a man? He seems more like a Hobbit] is rubbing me the wrong way and I really think it comes down to the fact that he's just pontificating to make himself sound as though he's more experienced than he is." Still not hating Marcel, but I'll tell you, Betty's over-enunciated and dramatic line deliveries are really turning my nerves into a fine dice. Also, given Marcel's mad scientist predilections, I was expecting far more attempts at foams, gelées, and smears by this point. I'm not comfortable not feeling the flames of hate for any one cheftestant at this point. Betty goes on with her huge round eyes and her huge square teeth, "Marcel thinks that comfort food does not sit in the same category as fine dining." Well, that does make him a bit of a wank. Not an annoying wank, like Stephen, just a stupid wank. Marcel tells us he's "super-psyched" as he twirls his tongs and snaps them at the camera. I just have to laugh at him. Time ticks down.

The cheftestants file into the firehouse. Okay, I have to point this out because I forgot to point it out in the first recap. The judges are all standing with one foot forward. I learned from my grandmother, who was a model at some point in her career, that's how they teach you to pose to show your figure to the best advantage for photographs or in the movies. Gail, Colicchio, and Chef Friday are all standing with one foot forward. I think Padmadala's been giving them tips. I noticed that Harold and Colicchio were also standing -- rather stiffly -- like that in the first episode as well. Padmadala welcomes them and tells them they will all have fifteen minutes to finish their dishes before serving them to the firemen in turn. The cheftestants take off, and the judges meet the firemen and sit down at a TGI Friday's striped tablecloth. I'm really scared that Colicchio is wearing what looks like an animal print shirt, unbuttoned, over a white tee-shirt. It's like his idea of what it means to dress, LA-style.

Michael prepares his dish and tells us, "I'm not running around the kitchen, freaking out, I'm not freaked out. There's plenty of time, there's no reason to get all flustered." He's so stoned. Or drunk. Michael tells us he would "totally order" his sandwich if he saw it on a menu. Munchies'll do that to you. "I haven't carried a tray like this since I worked at Fridays," Michael tells the other cheftestants before boosting his tray onto one shoulder and walking out. I hope he doesn't have to slide down the fireman's pole. Michael serves his Cheesesteak Sandwich with Onion Rings and leaves. The reviews are not good. The firemen think the steak is overcooked and has no flavor. Colicchio adds that the whole thing is greasy and chewy. "It's like it's presentation," someone adds, "Very sloppy."

Marcel is in the firehouse kitchen to finish off his dish. He tells us -- oy, what is he wearing? He's got a lavender tie under a tight little navy blue vest over a blue button-down -- all which conspire to make his shoulders completely disappear. He's such a tiny little Hobbitman. Marcel begins, "The first think I do is take one of my onion rings and drop them in the deep fryer, you know, just to see what the temperature's at." No, no -- don't try to talk all normal when you're dressed like a Wall Street Mini Me, because I'm not going to listen. The deal is, the temperature dropped way low after Michael used the fryer for three batches of onions rings, so Marcel has a hell of a time dealing with his onion rings. Point of order: don't sacrifice one of your onion rings to test frying temperature. I was taught to just use a small crust of bread. By the way, that's a fuck-ass tiny fryer they're using! It looks large enough to comfortably fry three onion rings! Marcel keeps bitching -- mildly, I thought -- and Betty rolls her eyes DRAMATICALLY. Betty complains to us, "Marcel had a problem with the deep-fat fryers. And instead of THINKING about 'how I can fix this,' he started to PISS and MOAN and complain about the fact that he couldn't do what he was supposed to be able to do." Marcel swears a lot. Elia comes into the kitchen and checks the fryer out. Marcel tells us that Elia was trying to help him and he even imitates her thick accent, which I'm not sure how I feel about that, because she was trying to help him. But maybe he was doing it lovingly and self-deprecatingly because we do find out later that they've worked together before. In the end, Marcel has to ditch the onion rings. He brings out and presents his Pork Chops with Mashed Potatoes and Cabbage and explains further that he also made a mushroom sauce and the cabbage has bacon in it. WANT! "Very tender," one fireman says to Gail, who does a bitchy shrugging head movement in response.

Marcel rejoins the rest of the cheftestants and mildly says that he needs a punching bag because he's so fucking furious. He's like the most chilled-out fucking furious guy who needs a punching bag that I've ever seen. Betty tells us, "After Marcel came back from his challenge, he was just HEMMING and HAWING and I had it up to here." Of course, she raises her hand to demonstrate just where she had it up to. Back at the firehouse, Marcel asks if they think it's fair what happened to him, and Betty lets him have it, "Yes, I absolutely think it's fair. I think anything that will fuck you up is fair." Ouch. And mean! Marcel is taken aback by this and says, looking down at his lap, "Oh. No shit?"

After the commercials, the drama continues. Son of Sam, who is in the kitchen, which is exposed to the unfolding drama by a pass-through, tells us that he only has fifteen minutes to do his dish and Betty and Marcel started fighting and getting really loud and distracting. Still looking down at his lap, Marcel asks, "What did I ever do to you? Do you just don't like me, or what?" Okay, I actually feel really sorry for Marcel here. He's looking down, not able to look Betty in the eye, and it actually seems as though he's genuinely hurt and surprised that Betty is exploding with such hate all over him. So, yes, he was annoying about showing Ted Ilan his knives in the first ep, but the more I see of him, the more I think his persona is just artless exuberance, not pretension. And I really sort of hate Betty for this whole exchange. "You're a selfish, self-centered, egotistical bastard," Betty tells him and then tosses up her hands, "That's just my simple opinion." Josie is laughing and rocking back in her Lay-Z-Boy. They're all sitting in identical Lay-Z-Boys -- is there one for every fireman or something? In the scene, Marcel has his back to Betty and he's fiddling with his sunglasses. I feel bad for him, people, I really do. Grinning in disbelief, Marcel tells us that Betty slammed him with a bunch of "issues" she had bottled up about him for quite some time. "I'm just astonished and appalled! Utterly appalled that she's trying to call me out like this." Marcel tells us. As Marcel starts to defend himself or clarify the issue, Betty interrupts him, "Marcel, I would be happy to continue with this as soon as Sam is done, I do not want to distract from what he's doing." Oh, that's very convenient and considerate of you. You got your bitch on and now you don't give Marcel a chance to rebut. Whatever. I don't like you. Observing all this, Marisa is suffused in laughter, and tender-hearted Elia looks glassy-eyed with tears. Sums both of them up, I think.

Son of Sam is proud of his innovative product and serves it to the firemen. It's a wild fruit salad of marinated fruit, which has a spicy mint chimichurri vinaigrette. It looks and sounds good, and the firemen and Chef Friday's like it, but I just don't see TGI Friday's putting it on their menu. As Padmadala scoops up the dregs on the plate, a fireman teases, "I can get you a straw for that it you like." Heh. Padmadala almost loses her mouthful of food in laughing. She's definitely more human than the Bot, but her line delivery is still over-rehearsed and annoying. Oh, I forgot to note that Padmadala is now wearing a metal shield badge on her denim tank top vest. I think that makes her Chief Clitshortis.

Emily's up , and Cliff helps her carry her dish down. She explains that she made "Super Slamming Surf and Turf." We don't get to hear what it is, but there is definitely shrimp and steak and corn or polenta. "Too salty," "Super salty," "Sloppy," and "Amateurish" are the results. Gail dramatically holds her hand over her mouth and says she can't eat any more.

Frank prepares his drug-induced 'shroom dish. It's so bizarre. It's just... really, very bizarre. First, he's got some dressed mesclun greens and then he has half an avocado perched -- round side up -- on one of those scored cucumber cylinders. He also has grilled portabello caps topping some sort of support -- a marrow bone? Pineapple? -- and the caps have, like, eyes or something, in the form of thinly-sliced rounds of yellow squash. Michael laughs that the dish is "a train wreck, Man." Man, when Michael says that about your dish, you know you're in trouble. Frank presents his dish and Gail comments, "I feel like I'm in Smurfland!" It's not "Smurfland" it's just the "Smurf village," God. After Frank leaves, Colicchio notes, "This is bizarre." I think you have to be one serious Baked Alaska to eat this dish. Oh, I see, the thing that I though was a marrowbone is actually puff pastry stuffed with mushrooms duxelle. And those yellow things that I thought were eyes are supposed to be the spots on a mushroom. A poisonous mushroom.

, Ted Ilan runs around with his Bacon Roasted Corn. Sounds absolutely incredible, but again, is that an entrée? Cliff serves his fish sticks and mac and cheese. His fish sticks are homemade, not frozen, and his mac and cheese is made with smoked provolone, gouda, and finished with maple-smoked lardons (fancy French way of saying "bacon"). While Gail exclaims over the spiciness (wimp), a firefighter gives Cliff a thumbs-up, and we hear Padmadala say, "Don't bogart the plate, my friend." All signs seem to be pointing to the fact that I needed to get high before I recapped this episode. Josie announces her Miami-Style BBQ Steak Skewers with Fire Roasted Salsa. We get no documented reactions, which means she's neither in the bottom three nor in the top three. Same with Elia, who presents her shrimp and tuna fish tacos with guacamole and fried beans with "real Mexican sauce." Because, remember, she's a real Mexican. Carlos dishes around his Chicken Fried Shrimp with Corn, Red Pepper, and Lime Salsa. Mia gives them her Mama Mia Meatloaf Sandwich with Spicy Ketcherella. Doesn't Ketcherella sound like a word Rachael Ray made up? ["Do not even start. I think six forum posters just worked themselves into a fainting spell at the sight of her name." -- Joe R] A fireman comments he's had frozen fries out of a bag that were better than Mia's fries.

Marisa tells us she decided to do a dessert because the Friday's menu only had four desserts on it and two of them were cheesecakes and two of them were chocolate-based. All she cares about now is not being in the bottom three. After bang-sifting some powdered sugar over the tops of the individual ramekins, Marisa presents her Strawberry Crisp with Pecan Streusel Topping, Fresh Vanilla Bean Whipped Cream, and Orange Caramel Sauce. A fireman tells Chef Friday's, "You know what? You guys need that."

And now, once more with drama. Betty prepares her dish of dressed up tomato soup and grilled cheese. The soup seems fine, but she can't get the griddle to heat up. "And," she confides in us, "who do you think was sitting there, watching my every move?" Sure enough, Marcel has moved a footrest or ottoman or whatever and is sitting straight up (nice posture, by the way) on it, looking at Betty through the pass-through and saying stuff like, "The griddle's not as hot as you would have liked it to have been?" To this, Betty says, "Sorry, did anyone hear a gnat flying around their ear? Something really annoying?" Yeah, you. Marcel tells us, "For an intimidation factor, I'm watching her cook her food. I just wanted to send in there, sending her the blazing eyes." The "blazing eyes"? Oh, Marcel. Marcel goes on that Betty threw off his game -- which was how exactly? -- so why shouldn't he throw off hers. Marcel says to Betty, "I like how you're addressing that, I was wondering how long it would take for you to use sauté pans." Betty points out to Marcel that she takes it on herself and she deals with it. Marcel keeps going and finally Betty says, "Can you ask him to be quiet in the middle of my competition, please?" Cliff and Son of Sam call Marcel back. Cliff tells us that Marcel was instigating things and if he had been Betty, he would have punched Marcel in the head. What Betty did earlier was, in my opinion, strangely unnecessary, based on the footage we saw of Marcel cooking. However, I don't think it was cool for Marcel to taunt Betty during her cooking process. At least she waited until his dish was done before lighting into him. As all the other cheftestants count down Betty's time and cheer her on, Betty quickly plates. Betty tells us, "By the SKIN of my TEETH I got that final sandwich on my plate or I would have been disqualified." That's a lot of skin.

Cheftestants help Betty take her stuff downstairs. You know, this season, I see a lot more of the cheftestants helping one another than last year. I sort of like it. It reminds me of how some of the Project Runway people pitch in at times. While the other cheftestants are gone, Elia tells Marcel that whenever anyone says anything bad against Marcel, she stands up for him. Elia tells us that she and Marcel go way back because she worked with him in opening L'Atelier Joel Robuchon. She was the sous chef and therefore, judging by her protective attitude toward him, Marcel's boss.

Betty comes screaming into the presence of the firemen and thanks them for being so patient. What is she talking about? She hasn't kept them waiting if she didn't go over her time limit and we saw that she didn't. Bobbing her pigtailed head in a way I'm sure she thinks is irresistibly cute, Betty tells them, "This dish is Badda-Bing Betty with spicy red pepper soup and sassy bacon." Okay, to explain all that, the dish is a grilled cheese and portabello mushroom sandwich with a roasted red pepper soup, which has bacon as a garnish. Sassy bacon, apparently. They all love it. Betty stomps back to the other cheftestants and announces, "Even if they don't love my dish, I love all of you guys." Everyone but Marcel cheers. The cheftestants are excused by the judges to allow them time to deliberate.

The Judges deliberate. Chef Friday's was disappointed, he thought there would be more creative innovation. However, he does give Son of Sam's fruit cup props for being "craveable." "I love that term you just used: 'craveable,'" Gail gushes, "I think that's a great way to talk about this challenge because that's so much of what you're doing with TGI Friday's." I will never, NEVER find TGI Friday's "craveable." McDonald's? Yes. Taco Bell? Certainly. But not, never, no TGI Friday's. And I have some weird no-I'm-not-pregnant-I-just-eat-weird-stuff cravings. The judges -- with no comments from Padmadala -- like Cliff's, Betty's, and Son of Sam's dishes. When Gail brings up Ted Ilan's bacon-corn dish as something she found "craveable," Chef Friday's agrees Ted Ilan really could have turned that into a great entrée. Hm, I wonder if they cut out him saying that the challenge really was to create entrées and a few of them -- Marisa and Ted Ilan -- didn't do that. Regardless, the top three are Cliff, Betty, and Son of Sam; all entrée makers. As the top three stand before them, the Judges pile the compliments on. Gail beams at Son of Sam for doing "something so cool on such a hot day." Chef Friday's tells Cliff that his table "scolfed" down Cliff's dish. Is that a combo of "scarfed" and "wolfed"? And if so, was it intentional? Chef Friday's announces that Betty is the winner and her dish will be appearing on his menu. But not, according to the Friday's website, as "Badda-Bing Betty." They call it Tuscan Portabello Melt and I see no reference to "sassy bacon," or any bacon, for that matter. Betty lets out a loud, toothy, and large-mouthed scream, scaring the judges, scaring my cats, and jolting my dozing husband to say, "I really don't find her in any way refreshing." Betty dances over and grips all the Judges' hands. She's won two in a row now. Her big eyes and teeth tell us she's not going to let her guard down.

In the back, Carlos asks, "Is it Badda-Bing Betty?" Didn't they hear that caterwaul in the room? Maybe they thought it was Son of Sam. Betty nods, they all cheer for her. Maybe Marcel doesn't. Emily, Michael, and Frank are sent out. Emily is already wiping her eyes, as is Mia. For Emily, I think. As the bottom three assemble, Michael has his hat backwards and his hands in his pockets. Dude, show some respect! Even if it is only Tom Colicchio. Actually, chivalry would have it that you should not only take your hat off in the presence of ladies, but, at the very least, take your hands out of your pockets. Particularly because it's Michael and I don't know exactly what he's doing down in there. Gail was confused by Frank's dish, which, he insists, was "conceptual." "Food is for eating," Gail snaps. Frank stutter-agrees with her. Chef Friday's tells Frank that his dish is never going to be executed like that in a place like Friday's. He also goes off on Frank for the dish not even tasting very good. Maybe Frank should have served a joint as an appetizer.

Padmadala asks Emily if she tasted her dish before she served it. Yes, she did. Did she taste the meat? Yes, she did. And she thought it was seasoned fine? No, she didn't. Emily admitted she sort of freaked out when she tasted the meat. Gail and Tom say that it wasn't just the meat, the corn and shrimp were salty as well. Chef Friday's agrees, the whole dish was salty. Gail thinks the entire dish was inedible. Padmadala wonders if the corn was even fresh. Emily says it wasn't. "We felt that," Padmadala notes. The steak was really bad as well. Turning to Michael, Michael grins, "Bring it on. I can take it, I can dish it out." I foresee no time when you will be "dishing it out" to the judges. You will always be taking it. Unless, of course, Michael is slyly referring to the fact that he literally dished out food to them. But I think that might be above and beyond his ken, don't you? Gail asks what Michael thinks went wrong with his dish. Michael can't stop grinning like the village idiot as he drawls that he doesn't know what went wrong with his dish and he doesn't even know why he's there. He says "like," like fifty times. After Michael blathers rather incoherently about not seeing many steak sandwiches like his on menus, Colicchio asks why they should keep him there. "Well, plenty of reasons to be here, I mean, I love food. I -- uh," Michael says. Colicchio interrupts him to say that it doesn't seem like he loves food or cares about it when he is so sloppy with it. They're excused. "No problem," Michael slurs as he leaves, still grinning. Still with his hands in his pockets.

In the back, Betty clutches one of Maria's hands in both of hers. They look cold. Holding a beer bottle in one hand, someone is slamming another down their throat. I think it's Son of Sam, but it's hard to tell. Emily looks wrecked.

Judges' Table: more deliberation. Chef Friday's liked that Frank actually had an idea that he wanted to go with; he just should have thought it out first. Gail goes on that she could barely get her bite down. I am really impressed with her eyes this year. Either they are cleaning up her pouches post-production or she has embraced the cold teabag approach. Chef Friday's shrugs, "I'm sorry, this is Cooking 101, if you taste your food and you know it's overseasoned, fix it or don't serve it." I get the idea behind that sentiment, but what if you don't have time to remake something? It's really hard to fix overseasoning, especially when it's salt. I know adding lemon juice can help some dishes, but usually sauces and soups, not steak, shrimp, or corn. And if she decided not to serve it, wouldn't she have been disqualified anyway?

In the back, Emily wipes her eyes and talks about how rough it is in front of the Judges. Marisa tries to comfort her.

Turning to the topic of Michael, Gail says, "There's something about his attitude that drives me crazy. He really doesn't seem to care." Chef Friday's agrees, "I thought he was sloppy and I thought he was arrogant about his dish." Yet, you're going to keep him. You're going to keep a guy who had a bad dish and has a bad attitude but you're going to send home someone who had a bad dish and a much better attitude. Whatever Emily said to the cameras about the kids or the toothless woman or the Friday's challenge, the Judges didn't hear. All they know about her attitude is what she's presented to their face, and it has never been objectionable. However, as Emily said in her Washington Post interview, Michael is like Randy Quaid, so they're going to keep him on. I'll bet even Randy Quaid can make a better steak sandwich. He might swear a lot when doing it, but it would be better. ["Also...Randy Quaid = ratings? I'm trying to think of a time when that was ever true." -- Joe R] Anyway, the Judges all agree that somehow Michael found a way to ruin a steak sandwich.

In the back, Michael is saying, "I'll beat the fuck out of all those motherfuckers!" Elia puts a hand to his face and talks soothingly to him. I love her. If I had to work in a professional kitchen, I'd want to work under her. Someone tells Michael to sit down. "I need more booze," Michael says. Emily dabs her eyes with Mia's arm around her. Son of Sam tells Michael to "sit down by [him]self." Heh. Michael doesn't sit down and he goes on, "That fucking Tom, dude, we're going to duke it out before this thing is over." Son of Sam tells him he's not going to duke it out with anyone and tells him to calm down. I'm really starting to like Son of Sam, who tells us he's changing his mind about Michael. He thought he acted like a yahoo just to show off, but now he thinks it's because Michael is insecure. Marcel tells Michael, "Dude, you can't leave because you still gotta --" Michael takes a mock jab at Marcel and says, "I know because I still gotta knock you out, dude." Everyone cheers and laughs, including Marcel.

The Judges call the bottom three back in and, in their usual long, drawn-out way, deal with all of them in turn. When they get to Michael, he's got his fists up -- boxer like -- and is bouncing in place, confused as to whether he's a butterfly or a bee. "What can I say?" Colicchio says, "I don't think I have to say anything to you, you know, I don't know whether you think this is a joke --" Michael insists he doesn't, man, it's just hard for him to be himself. Colicchio comes down on Michael's sloppiness. Padmadala finally tells Emily that she's knife'd (tm, awesomely, by Geo Gal). Michael has the grace to look chastened.

In the back, Emily cries and tells the waiting cheftestants, "Well, y'all, it's been real." Cliff gives her a big, all-enveloping hug that looks really comforting, and Josie and Betty hug the two of them. Awww. Emily says she met some fantastic professionals and that saying goodbye is the hardest thing she's had to do. Michael gives her a big hug and says stuff you can't understand because it's all bleeped out.

Emily packs up and leaves, telling us, "I'm still solid." In that Chow interview, Emily said that when she was taken aside by the producers to be asked, all instigatingly, "What do you think about X cheftestant," she would loudly repeat the question so the entire room and all the cheftestants would know what she was being asked. She wasn't going to play into their attempts to incite controversy by making her answer shit like, if she comes from such a privileged background, how does she feel about being on the show with someone as poor as Mia. You know, I wonder if that's why she was kicked off -- she was a troublemaker on set. It makes me like her even more. I mean, as if my faith in the integrity of this show couldn't get any lower, now this?

week: they have to create an appetizer, entrée, side dish, and a dessert BUT! And we don't know what the "but" is! Also, allegations of cheating abound, to which Son of Sam says, "I'm not gonna go there."