By Keckler
A fresh crop of cheftestants has been harvested and what a tempting, if slightly imperfect, lot they are. My amuse bouche impressions are that Marcel with his avant attitude and his Heat Miser hair (tm sundevilpeg) can't be anything but the new Stephen. I mean, the dude pulled out his knives as soon as he got a roommate and started comparing blades! Rotund and shiny Michael looks like Flounder from Animal House, and Otto is totally Creed from The Office.
The Quickfire had the chefs scrambling to flambé stuff, which was sort of cool but not dangerous enough for me. I wanted to see big blue flashes and singed eyebrows. Stubbly-faced Sam, who was voted one of the top ten sexiest chefs in New York (ugh) and who is clearly the new Harold, won the immunity-drenched Quickfire Challenge.
The Elimination Challenge split the cheftestants into two groups: cooks and judges. The cooks opened a mystery box of ingredients containing whacko combinations of food like escargot and Kraft cheese slices and frog legs and peanut butter. The judges judged and then switched roles. Ted Allen's clone, Ilan, wins the Elimination Challenge. Just like Harold won the first Elimination Challenge. Which Harold, the guest judge, was on hand to point out. Thank you, Harold. Sadly, the one to go home is the British and unpronounceable Suyai for an all-around terrible showing with her mystery box.
Interestingly, Colicchio takes some time in the beginning of the episode to specifically tell us that he's NOT a mentor, he's a judge. Not just that, he's "Head Judge." Yeah, "Bald Head Judge."
My jury is still out on Padma. Honestly? I'm not sure how much better she is than Bot. She's got a skosh more life in her, but I still didn't see her exhibit much of an opinion about anything. Also, if they're going to do any more flambéd food, I would recommend she put on a few more items of clothes. At least over her breastal area. A napkin or something. Maybe a bra. Just a suggestion.
Now that I've had Duran Duran's song, "A View to a Kill," in my head all week, shall we get to the new season?
Our new host, Padma Lakshmi, drones to us about what Top Chef is all about. She also introduces Colicchio and Gail, and I am psyched to see glimpses of an upcoming episode where Gail will get to say, "That dish made me nauseous." Heh. Padma (how long before I can start calling her "Queen Amidala"?) introduces herself as "Judge, cookbook author, and a lifetime lover of all things culinary," as we get cutaways of the first Indian Supermodel shoving stuff in her mouth. She might as well add that she's the lifetime lover of all things Rushdie as well. We learn that this year's finale will be in Hawaii and, having returned from a nice long trip to Big Island and Oahu last month, this makes me irrationally excited. I wonder which island it is. The other prizes are still a kitchen full of Kenmore appliances, a feature in Food & Wine magazine (which, having seen last year's feature, is no big), cooking at the Food & Wine Classic in Aspen, Colorado, and $100,000 to "kick start their culinary career." This year, the prize money comes from GladWare kitchen products. $100,000 gets you a lot of Tom Bosley.
We get the same opening as last year: the song without words that the Evil Dr. Mathra was humming all summer while I caught up on season one recaps, interspersed with shots of the contestants. The captions call it "upbeat techno."
We're in LA, and it's all so unfamiliar to me! Sad. Oh well, let's meet the cheftestants. Josie (if you want last names, go to Bravo and read the unreadable bios) arrives at the airport. She's from New York, where she's a sous chef at Marlow and Sons in Brooklyn. Dipping into Josie's application video, we get shots of Josie's girlfriend, Caitlin, so we know Josie's A LESBIAN. You know, just in case that fierce mod-Asian mullet didn't give it away.
We move on to Betty, who tells us she used to be an actress. Cutting away to Betty's application tape, we see Betty doing really unfortunate jumping jacks. Betty goes on to say she's already a cook and happens to own an "award-winning restaurant in Los Angeles." Her restaurant is Grub, and Betty thinks the prize money would really help her out. Looking at her menu, I think that the money could go a long way towards buying her some creativity. Truth be told, I just don't see the Top Chef being one who does tap-dancer jumping jacks in her application video. It's just a hunch.
A few more cheftestants roll up, including Ilan who is a line cook in New York. Given his Ted Allen-y looks, I think I'm just going to have to call him Ted Ilan. Why does Ted Ilan want to be Top Chef? "Because [he] wants to win one hundred thousand dollars, [he] wants to be in Food & Wine, [he] wants to be famous." Not feeling the fire with this one.
In the cheftestants' LA loft, Marcel of the Heat Misered, Wolverined, overly-Flowbee'd hair arrives and calls dibs on an upper bunk. People. I know I said I was done with the Billy Joel lyrics, but I can't resist one more: Marcel combed his hair in a pompadour, like the rest of the Romeos wore! Ahhhh, I feel much better now. Okay, can we discuss the quarters? Hideous! Those metal-framed bunk beds with their burnt sienna blankets look like they belong in a youth hostel. Yipes. Marcel is a "master cook" at the Las Vegas-based Joël Robuchon at the Mansion, which I think most people just call "Joël Robuchon," because, really, who has the time? So I should tell you that Joël Robuchon is really quite huge, culinarily. First of all, he's French, and that could pretty much say it all, but he was also named Chef of the Century by the prestigious (and very French) Gault Millau guide. He has a bunch of restaurants (some in France, some in the U.S., at least one in Japan), and he's just a very special guy. Back to Marcel, who tells us he's very into the Molecular Gastronomy movement. This is the smears, foams, and pompous weird mad scientist tricks trend that, quite honestly, leaves me cold, but which can be traced back to Ferran Adrià at El Bulli in Spain, where you might be served walnuts with tweezers to dip them into a freeze-dried aioli, stuff that changes their molecular structure the moment you put them in your mouth, spaghetti noodles made from Parmigiano-Reggiano, and ice cream air. Yes, they will serve you air. And you pay will for that air.
Back in the loft, Ted Ilan arrives, and Marcel says, "I'm gonna have to stake my claim." Just pee on your bed, Teen Wolf. That'll stake it. We meet a few more of the chick chefs, who don't have bunk beds but do seem to have a kitchen in their room. Odd. I mean, I'm pretty food obsessed myself, but that doesn't mean I want to sleep in the same room as a stove. Or smell rotting crap deep in the garbage disposal the first thing in the morning. We meet Elia, who was born in Mexico City and is a room service chef at Mandalay Bay in Vegas. She says that back in Mexico, cooking "is for women who want to get married and never work again," but she has decided that "smart people" do what they like to do, not what the world thinks they should do. I like her already. Plus, sexy accent.
Oh, and here we have the sexpot chef. Supposedly. Sam hulks into his room, wearing sunglasses (inside), a back tee-shirt with Gothic lettering and cross, tattoos up and down his arm, and pointy Star Trek sideburns and notes, "I think I was supposed to be in the girls' room, but they screwed me." Because, you know, he LIKES girls and he would LIKE to sleep in their room. So he can have SEX with them and smell their PANTIES. Talking around his crumb catcher, Sam tells us that he was one of the youngest executive chefs in New York, he's now an executive consulting chef, and he's here to take his food "to the level." I am already sick of that phrase and even sicker because Sam said it. He's so self-consciously the Ladies' Man, something Harold never was. He also reminds me of Rocco and that's another detraction.
More cheftestants file into the loft. Marcel watches Ted Ilan unpack and asks if he wants to see his knives. Without waiting for an answer, Marcel shows Ted Ilan his knives. Ted Ilan is unimpressed and tells us, "The first person I meet is this guy, Marcel, who wants to show me his knives. I want to smack him." Love him. Back in the room, Ted Ilan observes, "we'll be showing each other our cocks." Hey, dude, leave the recapping to me. Frank, thirty-nine and an executive chef at Heat Supper Club in San Diego, arrives and announces to Ted Ilan and Marcel, "Welcome to cell-block H!" Seriously. Them digs are ugly. Ted Ilan points at the kitchen counter in their bunk-bed room and asks, "You bought earplugs?" "Those are for you, not for me," Frank tells him. Aw, that's so thoughtful! Seriously, can someone explain to me the whole kitchen-slash-bedroom thing going on here?
Over in the girls' area, Marisa (executive pastry chef of Ame in San Francisco) announces that she brought swimsuits, goggles, bustiers, and whatever else they might need. "I came prepared!" she adds. Unless she's doing a Marie Antoinette water ballet, I'm not entirely sure what she's prepared for. In her application tape, Marisa -- long, black hair cascading over her shoulders -- asks-and-answers, "Do I use my sexuality to my advantage? Damn right. I use everything to my advantage that I can use to my advantage." The application tape shows us Marisa jiggling her jeans-clad ass at the camera. And she always seemed so normal when she bought cheese from us. Back at the loft, Betty turns to another blond and says, "This is going to be quite an adventure." "It really is," says the other blond, who is Suyai (pronounced: "Soo-jye") from New York. Well, she's from England first, but she lives in New York now. Her bio tells us that she was educated at the Natural Gourmet Cooking School in New York, which is a vegan and health-conscious cooking school. She's the new Andrea. Suyai tells us, "I've been bulimic for many years, so I got into food as a way to heal my eating disorder." Isn't that sort of like an alcoholic becoming a bartender?
In the boys' quarters, a baby-faced Michael -- who is so completely Flounder from Animal House that it's eerie -- pulls something out of his bag, waves it around, and says his wife stuck some panties in there. I just have to say, whatever that was, it didn't look like panties. It looked like a surgical mask. And that scares me. Michael is a line cook at Wine and Roses in Lodi, CA, but his dream is to own a sports bar and grill where people would come for the food. Not the sports? As we see Michael sitting around a table with a few of the other guys, it is so freaking clear by that fat bulge jammed in his lower lip that he dips. I'd think that might fuck up your palate even more than smoking. Given that they're already banging out the tinkle-tink Loser Music for Michael, I don't think he's going to go that far in this game.
All the cheftestants gather in the dining room and introduce themselves to each other. A cheftestant named Carlos tells everyone, while bobbing his head in a sort of snooty way, that he just got his first four-star review. Yeah, but from whom? I mean, there's a difference between getting four stars from Michelin and getting four stars from the Florida Sand Spit*. With his life-partner, Chuck, Carlos owns a restaurant in Fort Lauderdale, FL called the Hi-Life Café. Carlos tells us he's self-taught, and he thinks people with culinary degrees look down on those who are self-taught. Funny, I always thought people who were self-taught looked down on those with culinary degrees. We also meet Mia, who is the chef-owner of a place called Feed the People in Oakdale, CA. Where's Oakdale? She tells the group that she cooks for cowboys, so if she were to bring them foie gras, they'd flip the plate to the ground. Tough customers. Idiots, too. Mia's married and has three kids. Oh, please don't make her the Lisa of this season. If she wins, she plans to put the money right back into her business. Hmm, we haven't met everyone yet, but we're already going to the Quickfire Challenge. *Not a real paper.
New Top Chef kitchen. Padma welcomes the cheftestants to the kitchen and plugs the Kenmore appliances and Calphalon cookware. Can someone cook up some fashion sense for Padma? Those knee-high white boots over jeans are giving me indigestion. Padma introduces Colicchio -- their "head judge" -- and last season's winner, Harold Dieterle, who is their guest judge tonight and who also looks constipated. Seriously, Harold -- you have that same look in every press shot I've seen. Please bake yourself some Ex-Lax brownies and just get it all out of your system. Better yet, go have dinner at Andrea's house. Before we start, Colicchio wants to go off about something: "I am not the chef here, and I'm not your mentor. I'm the head judge. I will be making trips into the kitchen, asking questions, and observing you. I will take those observations back to the judges' table and share them with the other judges. Good luck." Well, I guess he told us. Not. Pity I didn't hear anything he said because I was so grossed out by his new bead-and-leather-strap necklace.
Padma explains the concepts of the Quickfire and the Elimination Challenges and tells them that this Quickfire will be a test of skills. They all have to create a flambé dish. They can use any of the alcohol lined up on a shelf as well as anything in the Top Chef pantry. We finally meet Otto, a forty-six-year-old instructor at the Las Vegas Culinary Institute, who explains what flambé is: "You take a liquid with a high alcohol content and you simply pour that liquid into the pan and tip it toward that gas flame, that way it will ignite." Otto has short grey hair, gelled up in individual spikes, and he talks out of the side of his mouth while looking down. He reminds me of Creed from The Office. Suyai tells us she never learned how to flambé, so she's nervous. Padma gives them twenty minutes to prepare their dishes. Food Flurry. Pans ignite. Elia has some trouble with the igniting part because she chose red wine instead of something with a higher alcohol content. I'd have thought that someone who trained at Ecole Lenôtre in Paris would know more about flambéing. Time's up. Marcel is surprised Elia chose red wine. I'm surprised your hair didn't catch on fire, Flock of Pelicans.
Padma and Harold start tasting. Those damn white boots of hers remind me of those paper booties my mom used to put on our Christmas crown roast. Marcel has them try a Banana and Avocado Tarte with Corn Chips, Ice Cream, and Rum Cocktail. What got flambéed? Moving on to Elia, the judges try her Strawberries with Red Wine and Chocolate Flambé Sauce. Harold confirms that Elia used the red wine to flambé. Elia looks worried. Betty made a Spicy Coconut Curry Sauce with Steamed Mussels and Mango Couscous. Okay, again? Where's the flambé? And why aren't they explaining that to us? When they get to Carlos and his Creole Shrimp Flambéed with Spanish Brandy, Harold asks, "How do you suggest I incorporate the jalapeno pepper and chilies in there, or is that purely garnish?" Loaded question. Just like you never garnish with anything inedible, you never put anything on a plate that is purely garnish and doesn't add to the overall flavor of the dish. "Purely garnish," Carlos affirms. Suyai explains her Spicy Tequila Lime Shrimp with Chunky Mango and Avocado Salsa. "I was just psyched when the flame went up. I was like, 'awesome,'" Suyai grins at us. I like her already. We get to Sam and his Espresso Shrimp Flambéed with Sambuca and served with a Roasted Hazelnut and Peanut Pesto. Nice idea, especially since Sambuca -- an anise-flavored liqueur from Italy -- is traditionally served with three espresso beans called "flies" which represent health, happiness, and prosperity. Sam explains that the shrimp was sautéed in an espresso syrup. Cool. Still don't like him, though.
The results are in, and Harold tells them that he thinks they all did a very nice job. He especially liked how they all used seasonal ingredients. However, there are three dishes he didn't especially like. He tells Carlos that he's "not about" non-functional garnishes; he didn't get Elia's dish at all and wonders why she flambéed with red wine; and he thought Suyai's seasoning was lacking and her shrimp undercooked. Harold gives props to the top three: Sam's espresso shrimp; Emily (someone we haven't really met yet, but who is a Master Cook at Nob Hill in Vegas) and her Sliced Pork Chops with Applesauce, Red Plums, and Granny Smith Apples; and Betty's mussels. The winner of the Quickfire is Sam, and he and his scrubby soup strainer will have immunity for the Elimination Challenge.
The cheftestants go back to their loft to rest and get drunk. Oh, for crying -- Marcel is opening a beer bottle with the top of his chef's knife! You know, I don't trust a chef who doesn't know what a bottle opener is. It's just like Stephen and his fucking sabering! Otto says something nearly incomprehensible about chefs partying like rock stars without the budgets. We see Michael (Flounder) digging something out of his wine glass and then eating it. He's the new Miguel. Ted Ilan says they toasted, and then Michael had a few more beers and got toasted. We see Michael drinking deep with wet stains all down the front of his shirt. Frank tells the camera, "I'm glad he doesn't sleep with me." Someone is heard to say, "I'm not going to sleep -- he's going to talk for the rest of the night." I have no idea what that means. Carlos closes the bedroom door behind him and tells Cliff, "Houston, we have incoming." Michael, now shirtless with his pants practically falling off and showing a bit of crack, bids everyone goodnight and then asks if he's being locked out. See what I mean about Michael not winning this? Something tells me that Bravo wouldn't allow the Top Chef to show crack.
The day, someone makes fried eggs with sprinkles of black pepper on top. Oh, deliciousness. Michael rolls into the dining room to be greeted by smiles all around. Michael tells us, "I think the chefs think I'm a little crazy. We partied last night." Apropos of who knows what, Michael tells the other chefs that his mom only hit him once. "Maybe she should've hit you a couple more times," Marcel says in passing. Um, what a dick? He sips his coffee, unconcerned at the surprised groans the other chefs are throwing his way and unconcerned that his freak hair makes him look like Syndrome. Ted Ilan tells us that Marcel instigates problems and, if it were a "demeanor competition," Marcel would be sent home right away. Marcel primps to us, "It's not about relationships, this is about the food." Dude, didn't you see why Tiffani didn't win last season? Boy, talk about being doomed to repeat history. Also, in the interview shot, Marcel's hair looks like he actually took a curling iron to it. Maybe he was named for Marcel Waves.
Top Chef kitchen. Padma introduces them to Gail, who tosses her hair back and looks smug. I just can't make myself like her. There's something in her demeanor that is so snotty and self-satisfied. Also, why does she never seem to smile in publicity shots? She's always looking mean and haughtatious. I assume she's attempting to look challenging. Too bad she just looks like a bitch. ["It's no surprise that I love her, right?" -- Joe R] By choosing knives, the cheftestants are divided into two groups -- black and orange. Padma points out stacks of wooden crates and explains that they each contain five ingredients. "Your challenge is to create a delicious and original dish with the Kenmore-Pro appliances using all five ingredients." The Orange Group will cook first and the Black Group will be participating as tasters and judges. The Black Group will pick their top two and their bottom two, thus deciding who goes to the Judges' Table. Then they'll switch. Otto quails at the prospect of cooking for fellow chefs. The Black Group leaves the kitchen. Harold looks sulky and crabby and not at all like someone who recently won one hundred-thousand dollars. Has success spoiled Harold Dieterle? The Orange Group has two hours to create tasting portions with the five ingredients.
The mystery box contains snails, artichokes, peanuts, potatoes, and processed cheese slices. Awesome. "Oh, fuck," Marisa tells us and hacks at an artichoke. For all her bathing suits, bustiers, and use of sexuality, I think I like her. Suyai admits to being totally thrown by the task. Food Flurry. Ted Ilan tells the cameras that he has absolutely no idea what he's doing. "Very important, must refrigerate cheese when using cheese products," Carlos says with mock-seriousness. Food Flurry. Ted Ilan asks if Suyai is all right. She's not. Ted Ilan feels very bad that Suyai got so emotional about the task. Well, we know what Coldickio thinks of emotions!
While she's dicing onions, Marisa slices her finger. "Great," she says, rolling her eyes and grabbing for wads of paper towels and the First-Aid kit. Heh, that was my reaction when I sliced off the top of my finger while prepping for a catering gig. It's an annoyance. I didn't care that I couldn't quite stop the bleeding, I didn't care that it hurt like a mo-fo -- all I cared about was not losing any time. Oh, and also searching through the twenty pounds of sliced onions to make sure my fingernail didn't make its way into the spring onion-scented rice. Carlos sweetly comes over and says, "I don't know what I'm doing over there, so I might as well help you out." Aw. For all his four-star swaggering, I like him. "This is what happens when pastry chefs handle sharp knives," Marisa jokes as Carlos bandages her up.
Colicchio arrives for his Sniff 'n' Sneer. At first I thought he was wearing a blue denim shirt, but then I realized it had too many buttons -- it's actually a chef's coat. I hate chef's coats that aren't white, they look retarded. Colicchio and Marisa laugh over her cut finger and Colicchio advises, "Keep your fingers out of the way." That's real helpful. Colicchio wonders how Elia feels about the ingredients. "I hate the cheese," Elia says quietly. Heh. Elia tells us, "I didn't know what to do with the American Cheese, which is this funky product that shouldn't exist." Hey! It's my grilled cheese sandwich favorite! (Don't tell my bosses at Ye Olde Stanke Cheeseshope, though.) However, pairing it with escargot is pretty stomach-turning. Colicchio moves on to Suyai who makes the mistake of being honest with him. She tells him that she has never cooked worse in her life. Colicchio asks her if she thinks it's a good idea for her to tip her hand to him. Well, I don't know, Coldickio, what do you expect? You're in the kitchen, sniffing and sneering, how can Suyai really hide what's going on? Do you want her to lie? Suyai tells him she doesn't know what else to say. Outside the kitchen, Colicchio sneers that given Suyai's lack of confidence, it's going to be hard for her to finish in the top ten.
Time's up. Carlos presents his Artichoke Potato Cake & Escargot, Coconut Sambal (Indonesian and Malaysian pepper-based condiment) Peanut Sauce. That's how Bravo's graphics department describes it, but since they use ampersands far too liberally, have questionable punctuation, and constantly spell things wrong, I don't have much faith in their description. It looks like a cheese-topped cake but I'll buy that it's made up of artichokes and potatoes, because those could easily get bound together and cook evenly. It also looks like there might be an escargot perched on the top of the cake and off to the side, there's a snail shell filled with something liquid, perhaps the Sambal Peanut Sauce? Carlos explains that the thing on top is actually a "fire-roasted artichoke" and says there are fennel seeds in the escargot. I still don't know where the escargot is -- maybe in the shell with the sauce? After tasting, Josie tells us she was disappointed in Carlos' seasoning, especially since he introduced himself as a four-star restaurant owner.
is Frank, who explains that he made raviolis and stuffed them with escargot, American Cheese, and artichoke hearts. The pasta is served saturated in a potato and bell pepper peanut sauce and topped with Parmigiano-Reggiano. Artichoke leaves decorate the exterior of the plate, which makes the presentation appear very amateur. Because it's hard to see the pasta through all the sauce, the whole thing looks like something out of The Gallery of Regrettable Food. Definitely looks like a sixties dip with that edging of artichoke leaves.
Marisa, the pastry chef, made a pate brisée tart shell and filled it with caramelized onion, finished it with balsamic, and added some thyme. Where are the potatoes, peanuts, and artichokes? Emily notes that Marisa used the escargot as a garnish.
Michael made shoestring potatoes with an artichoke and cheese sauce served on the side of peanut-pesto sautéed snails. Ooh, I like that peanut pesto idea! I often do walnut pesto instead of the traditional pine nuts because I like the heartier flavor, but peanuts could be awesome as well. Mia tells him right off that she didn't like the peanut pesto.
Moving onto Elia, we see a beautiful, pristine presentation. All Bravo tells us is that it is Buttery Escargot with Artichoke and American Cheese. But what we see is the natural snail shell perched on the side of a careful and creamy pile of what I think are diced potatoes, and there's a single artichoke leaf sticking up behind it. Lovely. Elia says, "I did snails with a butter, with a ginger, garlic, parsley, thyme and a little bit of nutmeg." I see -- she did a compound butter with ginger, garlic, parsley, etc. That's why we saw her putting round slices of the butter on the snail shells earlier. I really like that idea because traditional "snail butter" is parsley, garlic, and shallots, so clearly her butter is a nod to that. She also made mashed potatoes and said, "I cooked the artichokes with lime and the DELICIOUS American Cheese." Heh. Where are the peanuts? Betty loves Elia's dish.
Ted Ilan made a baked escargot dish. First he poached the escargot in white wine, then he sautéed them with ground peanuts, and he bound it all with a pomme purée (potato purée) that also had American Cheese. He then poached and deep-fried the artichokes and sliced them. It sounds like he took all of this and stuffed it in the snail shells before baking them, but I'm not entirely sure.
Suyai presents her braised potatoes and artichokes and garlic escargot with cheese sauce. It's garnished with peanuts. Suyai laughs and slaps the table after her explanation, knowing how awful the cheese sauce sounds. The Orange Group is excused while the Black Group deliberates.
Padma asks the Black Group what they think. It's sounding like Suyai and Carlos are coming out as the worst of the bunch, and the top two are Ted Ilan and Elia. Of those two, Colicchio asks which two dishes they'd be happy to shell out sixteen dollars for at a restaurant. The cheftestants ponder and don't tell us the result, although Betty tells us, "It was clear."
Now it's the Black Group's turn to cook. Their mystery box is filled with frog legs, chicken liver, eggplant, cornflakes, and peanut butter. That's so much easier than the other box. I'd make a ginger and kaffir lime-infused fry batter with the cornflakes, roll the frog legs in them, and deep-fry them. Then I'd slice the eggplant into matchsticks, stir-fry it with tangerine peel and scallions. , I'd toss it with a sauce made with the peanut butter, ginger, and red pepper flakes, which I would have enriched by the cooked and puréed chicken liver. Food Flurry. Marcel decides that Otto acted like a train wreck in the kitchen because he was running back and forth, grabbing one thing at a time. Dude? Your hair is a train wreck. In the mountains. Off a trestle. Into a ravine six hundred feet below. During a blizzard.
Colicchio arrives for his second Sniff 'n' Sneer of the day and talks to Betty about frog legs tasting like chicken. Marcel tells Colicchio he's never cooked frog legs before but has seen them cooked at his restaurant. Doc Hopper would have loved this challenge. Kermit? Not so much. Mia tells Colicchio she's stoked about the ingredients because it was like Sunday dinner at grandma's house. Outside the kitchen, Colicchio observes that many are frying the frog legs, which he sneers is "clearly the easy way out." Food Flurry. Time's up.
Marcel presents his Frog Leg Lollipop (lamb lollipops were all the restaurant rage a few years ago) with Chicken Liver Purée, and Garlic and Parsley Sauces. Again, considering what the point of this challenge was, I wish they would explain to us where all the ingredients are -- where's the eggplant? The peanut butter? It looks he could have crusted the frog leg with cornflakes, but I'm not certain. The Orange Group tells us they weren't that impressed by Marcel. I'm not impressed by Marcel's Flock of Pelicans hair.
Betty made a Frog Leg and Chicken Liver Cake and put it on top of a salad dressed with a peanut butter ginger sauce. Eggplant? Cornflakes? Ted Ilan likes it, and Carlos winks at Betty encouragingly. Aw, I like Carlos more and more.
Sam presents his Turmeric and Cereal-Crusted Frog Leg with Eggplant and Caper Sauté and a Duo of Sauces. The sauces look like smears. We don't learn much more.
Over at Josie's station, we see her cornflake-coated Frog Leg Nugget with Chicken Liver, Peanut Butter, and Eggplant Jelly. Not much more to observe other than that her presentation looks lovely. The nugget seems to be sitting on a thin, square cake made of potato slices.
Moving on to Cliff, we check out his Braised Frog Leg with an Eggplant Chip and Cornflake Chicken Liver. He has that ubiquitous chive "X" on top as a garnish. Michael smiles that he didn't like the chicken liver at all.
Emily explains she has a cornflake, cilantro, and mint-crusted frog leg. She used the peanut butter to "glue" the cornflakes on, and she also made a grilled eggplant and cilantro leaf salad with lemon juice and put it on a shiso leaf, which is coated with the chicken liver pâté. A lot going on there.
We now come to Otto's cornflake-coated frog leg with chicken liver, brown rice, vegetable sauté, and peanut sauce. He topped the dish with a scallion purée. Otto tells us he grew up with frog legs, because his father loved them. Ted Ilan tells us he was surprised that Otto's dish was so under-seasoned, and that the elements didn't seem to blend together.
Finally, we come to my favorite for this challenge, Mia. She tells the judges she prepared a "Sunday dinner, Southern-style." She soaked the frog legs in buttermilk, garlic, and cayenne pepper before frying them. She also has garlic-mashed eggplant and a wilted arugula salad. "It's like a classic fried chicken with frog legs," Padma observes. Cornflakes? Peanut butter? Mia notes she sees finger-licking. Michael tells us he really liked Mia's dish.
The Orange Group and the judges deliberate. The Orange Group really likes Betty's dish. "Oh, really?" Colicchio says, all surprised. The Orange Group liked that she made a cake and did something other than the frog leg as drumstick thing. They also really liked Mia's dish. Their least favorites were Otto and, for Ted Ilan, Marcel. Elia, on the other hand, announces that Marcel was one of her favorites -- she liked his presentation. Carlos agrees with Ted Ilan that Marcel's garlic was overpowering. Cliff's is another dish people didn't like. A hand vote is taken, but we don't know what the results are.
Judges' Table. Padma turns to Harold (did she call him "Hal"?) and asks what he thought of the challenge. Overall, he thinks they all did a pretty good job, but he also thinks it was a fairly difficult first challenge. Gail, speaking with an oddly put-on accent that sounds suspiciously like Padma's, says that the cheftestants had to prove themselves to each other. They discuss the top two for the Orange Group and agree that Ted Ilan and Elia are the right choices. Colicchio thinks if Frank's pasta had been more "refined," he might have been a stronger contender. Turning to the Black Group and Betty, all Colicchio can say is, "I thought the cake was fine." He goes on that the slaw on the bottom was a throwaway. Dude, what-the-fuck-ever! If it's such a "throwaway," why do so many crab cake dishes come with some sort of slaw, fennel being my personal favorite? Also, what's up with your craftbar fried oysters with celery root remoulade? Isn't that, in effect, a slaw? Talking out of your bald ass, you are. Harold, on the other hand, thought the slaw vinaigrette was seasoned really well and went nicely with the cake. Colicchio really liked Mia's dish, as did Gail, who thinks it might not have been the most refined, but it was the most satisfying.
Padma asks Ted Ilan, Elia, Mia, and Betty to follow her to the Judges' Table. They are congratulated for being the four best dishes. After giving them additional props (and Colicchio making sure that Betty knows that he didn't like her "little salad underneath," which was the only negative thing said to any of the top cheftestants. Dick.), Harold names Ted Ilan the winner. Ted Ilan is stoked, Mia looks really disappointed. Okay, so I got this wrong in my recaplet -- it was two in the morning when I wrote it, so give me a break and stop emailing me -- but it is Colicchio who points out that Harold won the first Elimination Challenge last season. The implication being: look where he is now. The cheftestants are excused.
Back in the kitchen, Ted Ilan is applauded for his win. Mia tells Carlos, Suyai, Otto, and Marcel to go to the Judges' Table. Once there, Padma tells them they are the worst of all of the cheftestants and asks why they each think they are there. Otto admits his rice was undercooked, but Harold tells him there wasn't enough depth to his dish. Suyai admits she "totally panicked," and didn't set her own pace. Gail says, "We agreed with your peers in that it was one of out least favorite, but there were definitely parts of the dish that we enjoyed." At this, Colicchio turns an amused and incredulous face to Gail. Dick. Gail goes on, "There was a lot of good potato in there." Colicchio snickers loudly. DICK! "Yeah, we'll leave it at that," Colicchio decides. Wow -- openly laughing at a cheftestant. That's classy. Suyai promises not to make the same mistake again. Marcel doesn't know why he is there. Harold agrees, he doesn't think he belongs there, either. Colicchio asks Carlos, since he was on the team that voted Marcel one of the worst, why Marcel is there. Carlos thinks Marcel's dish was too overwhelming with the garlic. "Maybe some people consider me to be a fierce part of the competition and if I'm eliminated maybe it might pave their way, possibly," Marcel says. Yeah, that's it. Colicchio wonders what happened with Carlos being done so early. Apparently, he finished "a good forty-five, fifty minutes" before time was up. Carlos says he doesn't think his dish was his crowning achievement but he also doesn't think it was "crap on a plate." Colicchio blinks at him. They're excused.
The Judges deliberate. I hate this part. It doesn't ever tell us anything solid. However, this time we hear Colicchio relate tales of his Sniff 'n' Sneer (he likes to call it his "walk-through," isn't that precious?) and how Suyai confessed to him that she knows she blew it. Gail shrugs that Suyai gave herself up. After criticizing Otto for owning up to his bad rice -- even though, they all acknowledge, that they SPECIFICALLY asked him what he thinks went wrong -- Harold thinks that it's important to stand behind your food and sell it no matter what. Okay, but there are times when you have to step a bit down from that and face facts that you were determined to be one of the worst, so clearly you must've done something wrong. Otherwise you're just being delusional. I could see the judges dinging people for that as well. Imagine someone like Betty standing there in the bottom of the barrel, insisting her dish was perfect and Colicchio sneering, "Come on, you're here for a reason, so it couldn't have been that perfect." I mean, didn't that happen last season at times? I think it's pretty disingenuous for them to decide that the cheftestants have to "stand behind" or "sell" their dishes, because there is a limit.
America has voted by sixty-nine percent that Marcel is going to be this season's villain. I'll buy that.
The bottom four cheftestants are brought back in and they're each raked over the coals again. Oh, and interestingly? Colicchio says to Marcel, "I don't know if I agree with you that the other contestants are out to get you just yet -- there were some issues with the dish, you shouldn't be so surprised that you're here." But, but... they JUST SAID that the cheftestants needed to STAND BEHIND and SELL their food! See, this is what I mean! Marcel and his hair stood behind his dish and now Colicchio is coming back and dinging him for it! Make up your fucking mind! Damn. Finally, Padma tells Suyai to pack her knives and go. Suyai thanks them and leaves.
In the kitchen, hugs are exchanged, and Suyai says goodbye. She tells us she has a lot of big decisions to make about where she's going and adds, "I know how to flambé now!" and laughs. Aw.
I'm a bit under-whelmed by this episode. I hope things pick up soon.
week: really hard to tell what we're going to be seeing exactly, but this season looks as juicy as a ripe persimmon! Future guest judge Tony Bourdain asks, "What kind of crack house are you running?" I will save my very decided and very strong opinions about him for the appropriate recap.