By Keckler
And here we are, the finale of the finale. Last time on Top Chef, everyone is gone except for Harold and Tiffani.
Tiffani and Harold are both ready to be the winners. At craftsteak, Bot and Colicchio blather on about the two of them "going knife to knife," (ugh) and go on about all other sort of reminders of why they are there. Let's just get to the bitch, already! Colicchio tells them they will prepare a five-course meal for eight diners with no kids, no microwaves, and no gimmicks. Bot says they will be cooking for prestigious eaters, and the guest judge will be Lorraine Bracco, who is a "well-known foodie and wine connoisseur." "Cool," Tiffani mutters, smiling, because she can NEVER LET ANYTHING GO WITHOUT OPENING HER BIG SMALL MOUTH TO COMMENT! Lorraine Bracco, who has slapped her name on a line of Italian wines, has handpicked some of those wines, which the two remaining cheftestants will then pair with their food. Harold and Tiffani draw knives to find out which of two MGM Grand restaurants they get to cook in. Harold pulls Nob Hill and Tiffani pulls craftsteak. Bot says they've arranged for a little help "to complete their vision." In walk Lee Anne, Stephen, Miguel, and Dave. I thought they said no gimmicks. "A top chef is one who inspires other people to want to work for them. The four of you are going to be given an opportunity today to pitch in and help one of these two chefs win the competition," Colicchio tells them. He asks each of them to say for whom they'd want to work and why. Tiffani clamps her lips, shifts back and forth, and raises her eyebrows. You are SO going down! I remember screaming over this, just knowing, KNOWING most of them would choose Harold. Dave picks Harold. Lee Anne picks Harold. Stephen picks Tiffani, "Just to keep it interesting." Whassup, Stephen -- no more Team Cool for you? Miguel wonders if he should even it out. Colicchio explains that if three of the former cheftestants choose to work with Harold, it will then be Harold's choice. Miguel explains, "I just have a good connection with Harold and I would like to work with Harold." Tiffani bites and rebites her lips.
"Fuck," Harold notes, not happy with having to choose among them. He chooses Lee Anne right away, but instead of choosing between Miguel and Dave, he suggests they draw knives. See? See how fair he's being? He's not even trying to stack his team beyond Lee Anne, even though such stacking would be totally within his rights. Wanna rethink your upcoming backstabbing insinuations, Tiff? No? Well, then you're just a bitch, aren't you? Dave gets the knife block in front of him and swears heavily before he psychs himself up to take hold of the knife. Miguel and Dave draw knives simultaneously. Miguel is with Harold, and Dave is fucked. "It's okay," Dave says quickly. "I'm happy to have you," Tiffani promises just as quickly.
You know, thinking about it, maybe Stephen didn't want to be on Harold's Team Cool because he didn't want to be in any way responsible if Harold lost. This way, if he's working on the team that loses, Harold wins and would still think Stephen is a "really special dude," and might hire him with his Top Dollars. On the other hand, if Tiffani wins, Harold will respect Stephen for helping her make it to the top. Well done, Stephen. Well done. Also, that "really special dude" comment? Makes me think Harold takes Stephen by the hand and leads him onto the short bus where he shows Stephen the lunch he packed for him and makes sure his big, plastic-sleeved ID card is fully in view for the driver. "So it all comes down to this challenge," Bot drones, making me wonder if anyone's remembered to wind her lately. They have all afternoon to prep and they will also meet with an MGM staff member to order their supplies. Tomorrow they will serve their "min-yous." "All right, let's go, New York," Harold says to his team, and takes off for parts Nob Hill. Tiffani tells Stephen and Dave over and over that she's really happy to have them. I think she's scared to have them. And if she's not, she should be. Dave tells us, "The fact that I'm on Tiffani's team is very ironic and I'm -- I'm dealing with it, and that's how it goes because I'm not gonna -- [big sigh]."
The Nob Hillpeople taste the Bracco wines in order to prepare their menu. Lee Anne explains that Harold was open to their thoughts and advice, which made it more of a team challenge. Harold tells us that getting his Hillpeople personally involved means they can take pride in the challenge because they will have influence on the menu. Can you guess what Tiffani's not going to do with her team?
craftsteak. Tiffani lectures her team, "I've been thinking about duality in my life a lot, like good and bad and how things play off of each other, so each course is going to be two." Tiffani tells us that they are taking one ingredient or similar ingredients and creating two preparations of each. Tiffani tells her team they are essentially are doing two tasting menus, which, she acknowledges, is a bit of a risk and might be hard for them. Stephen tells us he feels the menu is "very Stephenesque." Tiffani wants to do two preps of artichokes. Yikes! With wine? I always learned that if you had shit wine, serve it with artichokes because the intense acidity in artichokes will make any wine taste sweeter, but if you have good wine, you can really mess up the flavors. Best way to pair artichokes with wine is not to have them alone -- put them in creamy risotto with Fontina and lemon zest and butter or cream, or shave them very, very thinly in a salad, something! Of course, Stephen, being Top Sommelier, starts to say this but tells us that Tiffani pushed him into the corner: "This is one of the most difficult wine pairings I've had to put together for any meal." "Dessert. Help?" Tiffani finally says, eyeing Dave. Dave says he's got a great quick panna cotta, "if you wanna do something with it." Tiffani asks how Dave feels about "just taking dessert." Dave says, "I wanted to be ready to do dessert, so --" Tiffani claps her hand over her heart in gratitude: "I can't believe I'm this lucky." Dave tells us, "We're definitely working as a team even though both Stephen and I would probably rather it be flipped." Tiffani asks them how they feel about the menu. They feel fine.
The teams both go to their kitchens and start to prep and get their supply orders in. Colicchio arrives for his Sniff 'n' Sneer. He's surprised that Tiffani is doing two menus. She's doing scallops (two ways), artichokes (two ways), fish (two ways), meat (two ways), and a duo of desserts. To the cameras, Colicchio points out the bleeding obvious -- that what Tiffani is trying to do is very difficult. After talking to Harold, Colicchio decides that while Harold has intricate dishes, he's "playing it safe." Whatever -- how is he playing it safe? Only in the face of the fact that Tiffani is going overboard by doubling up on her dishes. If Tiffani wasn't doing that, would Colicchio still think Harold was playing it safe? Colicchio adds that they both have strong teams behind them, so "there should be no excuses." Back at craftsteak, Dave tells us that he's glad he memorized his dessert recipes: "They're not going to benefit me, but I think they're going to benefit Tiff." Prep time is over, and after Harold and Tiffani give us a rundown of their feelings (hint: they both want to win), Dave pleads with America not to be pissed at him for helping Tiffani win because he's just being a good sport. Heh.
morning. We learn that the Nob Hillpeople will be cooking first, and Harold tells us he needs to get his adrenaline under control. The Nob Hillpeople cook. At one point, with one hour to go, Lee Anne asks, "Quick question, chef?" "Call me Harold, come on, call me Harold," Harold pleads. Aw. Lee Anne laughs, "All right, H." Harold tells us it was weird for him to be called "chef" by Miguel and Lee Anne because he looks at them as peers, not underlings. As the servers come in for their instructions, Harold reminds us that he's not good in the front of the house. Miguel tells us he's getting an "eerie" feeling because things are going too smoothly. Well, stay far away from the salt, then. Or sugar. Lee Anne explains something to Miguel, and he drops a pan. "Miguel, come on!" Lee Anne snaps and then immediately apologizes for snapping.
As Colicchio and the Dinnerati walk into Nob Hill, we can see that Harold has hand-written his menu and put all three chefs' names at the bottom in the order of Miguel, Lee Anne (which he misspells as "Lee Ann"), and himself. Harold walks out to greet his guests and Bot introduces him to: Lorraine Bracco (of The Sopranos and the wine; Dana Cowin (editor-in-chief of Food & Wine); Huber Keller (of the cute and the shy); Michael Mina (chef and owner of Nob Hill, Michael Mina, Michael Mina Bellagio, about five other restaurants, and a menu containing a seventy-five-dollar lobster pot pie); and Drew Nieporent (of Myriad Restaurant Group). Harold tells us he's nervous to see who all's out there. He bids them all to have a nice meal and runs back to the kitchen. Back in the kitchen, Harold crouches by a mini-fridge, which turns out to be a mini-bar, as he holds up a tiny bottle of Bombay Sapphire and salutes the camera with it before taking a quick sip. Now, I don't see anything wrong with this. It's his future he's gambling with if he gets drunk and fucks up. Also, I just don't see Harold as being so irresponsible that he would get completely wasted before completing the task at hand. So he had a little "nerve tonic," so what?
The first course is sent out. It's a seared diver scallop with a blood orange and fennel salad. Looks like there's some mâche in the salad as well. The first course is paired with the Pinot Grigio, and Lorraine is whiskey-voiced and happy with the result. Harold pleads with a server to eavesdrop for him. Heh. Michael Mina likes how lightly the salad was dressed because "you can actually taste the product." "It might have been dressed a little early, perhaps?" Gail wonders. The server reports this particular critique back to Harold, who decides, "It wasn't a home run, I guess." Yeah, but Lorraine, Michael Mina, and Hubert all had good things to say about it. Forget Gail -- she was just trying to impress her boss!
The second course of olive oil-poached bass goes out. Bot complains, "The piece that I got is just mostly the bloodline." That'll put you right off food for good, right, Bot? Honestly, I don't think the bloodline in white fish is that big of a deal. The area is just pinker than the rest -- it's not like you cut into a vein and get a spurt or anything. Suck it up, Bot. Michael Mina thinks Harold's seasoning is too light, explaining, "When you poach in fat, you gotta season the fish again." Lorraine doesn't know if it was the right dish for the Brunello. Hubert thinks his fish was presented upside down. In the kitchen, Harold frets. Miguel counsels him that it's natural for this group to be incredibly nitpicky.
Wine is decanted and plates of pan-roasted quail with herb spaetzle and cherries and foie gras are brought out as the fourth course. "Hopefully we'll kill 'em with this one, otherwise I go out there with my bulletproof vest on," Harold jokes with the servers. Drew wonders how other people like their quail cooked because he's not a fan of the undercooking, even though, as he acknowledges, it seems to be more the thing to do these days. Hubert thinks the quail is a little overcooked for him. "I have to say," Dana says, "this made me just happy." What is she -- a judge on Iron Chef? So many of those judges from the original Japanese version used to always say, "[giggle] My mouth is so happy right now![giggle]" Drove me batty. Dana says she thinks the flavor combinations are classic. Harold continues to fret and brood in the kitchen as he worries about letting Lee Anne and Miguel down. "Naw, it's not about letting us down, man, it's about picking you up, bro," Miguel tells him sweetly. Harold takes another Bombay Sapphire swig.
Dinnerati. Colicchio thinks that, for him, every dish has worked really well with the wines. Michael Mina has really liked the progression. And now for Miguel's special fourth course duo of beef, with kobe beef and braised short ribs. Looks delicious. In the kitchen, Harold tells the camera, "I don't care what they say -- I feel good about that plate. If I got that plate in a restaurant, I'd be very happy." The Dinnerati eat and enjoy. Hubert thinks it's perfect with the wine and Lorraine rasps that it's her FAVORITE so far! Colicchio goes on about how much Harold obviously "respects the product." Man, Colicchio and beef, I swear, what's that about? Harold's kitchen snitch comes back to report, "It's a home run." "Yeah? Thank fucking god!"
Finally, we come to the dessert course. Lee Anne explains that Harold's idea was to pair the cheeses and fig tart with the Amarone. A small triangle of fig tart is presented in the biggest compartment of a beautifully designed fondue-esque compartmented plate. Three small pieces of cheese, all in their own individual compartments, fan out on top of the fig tart compartment. Hubert loves the presentation. Lorraine notes, working her mouth rather laboriously over the words, "The cheessse isss deliciousss." Okay, let's see what I can make of these cheeses. There's a flat triangle of blue, which, given the fact that Amarone comes from the Veneto, I think is Gorgonzola (from the -door region of Lombardy). The blue is also more of that greenish-goldish mold, so I'm thinking Gorgonzola Dolce over Piccante. Especially for dessert with figs. , it looks like a washed rind cheese with a fairly pale paste, and if we're assuming Italian, I'm assuming Taleggio? Finally, I have no clue what that very white cheese is, but I'm going to hazard it's so chalky white because the milk is either sheep or goat. Pecorino Ginepro? Because the juniper and balsamic vinegar-rubbed rind would be great with wine? And that's just because I can't think of any good Italian goat cheeses right now. Everyone loves this dish, including Colicchio.
Harold comes out and gets the rundown. Hubert thought the quail was overcooked but loved the beef dish. Lorraine thought the best wine and food pairing was the Amarone with the cheeses. Dana thought the progression was good but didn't really like the bass because there was too much going on. Drew wants to know if Harold cooks to please his guests or himself. Harold says he tries to cover both bases. "Good answer!" Drew decides. Harold is excused.
Later that day? day? Tiffani arrives in the commissary and bitches that Stephen and Dave were supposed to be there to help her get her stuff up to craftsteak. Tiffani stands around with her arms crossed, her small mouth being sucked into nothingness. "Well, if being late inspires them to work their asses off for me, so much the better," she decides. Don't count on it, Tiff. Stephen and Dave walk in. You know, that's it -- Stephen is such a weird walker! Either he minces or he walks as though his abdomen is dragging the rest of him along. His entry into craftsteak's kitchen is bizarre. It's like his head arrives as an afterthought. Tiffani briefly asks if they're okay and then says, "All right," shortly. Dave tells us that he and Stephen went out and had a great evening in Vegas. We cut to shots of Dave in his Japanese bandana and Stephen without his usual suit jacket downing drinks. Lots of drinks. Looks sort of intimate. Lots and lots of drinks. "Let's just leave it at that," Dave says. Huh? No, really -- HUH? Dave jokes that they need to taste some of the wines. Tiffani tells us she was happy to have Dave and Stephen in whatever way she could have them, "Hung over, sober, whatever -- doesn't matter. Still drunk." She is really working hard not to be a bitch here, and I give her props for that. Too bad 'twill all come to naught. ... Sorry, I've been reading The Other Boleyn Girl and it's seeped into my lexicon.
They cook. Tiffani tells us, "They were definitely hung over." She adds, "I had to literally say everything to Stephen three times." Maybe he just couldn't hear you because your mouth is too small. They cook. They plate the first course.
Dinnerati arrive, and Tiffani greets them. Bot wants to introduce everyone. "These people don't need introduction, Bot," Tiffani smarms. Maybe not to you, but they don't know you from Adam, so how about whipping up a nice hot pot of SHUT IT STEW?! Tiffani then proceeds to go on some tangent about her life and duality and her approach and blah. She finally leaves. "Do we know more about duality and what does she mean?" Dana asks. Lorraine hysterically asks with a stagy gasp, "Do I have to put my Dr. Melfi suit on?" I just had a weird Silence of the Lambs flash of Lorraine Bracco putting on an all-body suit made from skin. Don't know why my mind went there.
Kitchen. Tiffani announces, "I don't want to talk at all until we're completely done with this. I'm sorry. Pull plates! Let's go!" She tells us, "I needed them to flow with me." In the kitchen Tiffani orders Stephen not to disappear on her. He promises he won't.
Tiffani and the first course of diver scallops come out. Tiffani takes a long time to explain both preparations, which are: a seared diver scallop wrapped in charred ramp and served in squid ink; and a sashimi-sliced scallop crudo (chilled or raw prep of usually fish, also an amazing San Francisco restaurant) with grapefruit, Meyer lemon, and sweet kumquat segments. Hubert thinks the citrus is too much with the scallop. Michael Mina thinks his seared scallop is cooked perfectly. Dana thought the squid ink emulsion was delicious. Colicchio opines, "There is where Tiffani might get into trouble with a lot of comparison between the two dishes." "I liked both, really," Lorraine announces.
Kitchen. "When she comes in, let's not be socializing," Dave cautions Stephen. Tiffani strides in and gives orders. She gets the artichoke course ready. Dave nicely assures her that he already seasoned the fried artichokes. She seasons them again. Stephen tells us, "Dave seasoned the artichokes. Tiffani felt the need to not even taste the dish and then re-salt it." Tiffani tells us that she trusts Dave with sauces except, she tempers, when you're hung over your palate's "not really there." Dave tells the camera that Tiffani's bossiness is already starting: "It's in her best interest to keep it low but if she pushes, I'm gonna push off." Tiffani moves Dave's glass of wine, saying, "I don't mind if you drink but if you can just keep it off the line." Dave makes a face at the cameras. You know, it's not that unreasonable a request. I mean, she's giving you leave to drink, just don't have it cluttering up the work area. Dave tells us, "Helping someone that I just have little or no respect for, drinking is the only way I can make it through."
Dining room. Tiffani comes out and once again takes some time to explain her dishes, one of which is an artichoke risotto with porketta. She tells everyone to drink the Multipulciano with the risotto. The other artichoke dish is braised and fried baby artichokes with a dipping sauce that has "tons of lemon, tons of parsley, and tons of garlic emulsion, so that should also pair nicely with the wine." Tiffani leaves. Dana wonders why one would choose to do artichokes with a wine pairing. Colicchio happily asks if anyone thinks the artichokes affected the wine. No one seems to think so, because there was so much butter in everything. The risotto seems to be the favored dish and it completely outshone the other dish. Gail again needs to point out that this is a problem with Tiffani's double tasting menu.
Kitchen. Dave reports that when you have resources in the kitchen, you should use them, but Tiffani wanted to do everything herself, so food and dishes sat too long as a result. In the dining room, Tiffani explains the steamed branzino with ratatouille and the crispy branzino with black olive pappardelle. She then goes on and on about what she thinks about fish getting oversauced while her guests are still politely not eating. Michael Mina looks bored. Tiffani is finally about to leave but then stops to announce that the Primitivo wine goes with the crispy branzino and the Amarone with the steamed branzino. Colicchio sort of throws his hands up at this addition. Bot finally states, "She talks too much." Go, Bot! Who knew you had it programmed into you? The Dinnerati all bitch about their food getting cold while she rattled on. "I almost said, 'Eat up, it's warm,'" Lorraine gripes. Colicchio says something about an absolute disaster.
Kitchen. Tiffani tells Stephen and Dave, "You guys have been fantastic, thank you." I know this is probably my Tiffani hate clouding my hearing, but it doesn't sound like Tiffani's used to saying "thank you" to people who are working for her. Something just didn't ring true or sincere or easy in her voice. Dave reminds her not to thank them too soon because they could still fuck it up. He then asks what number they are on. "This is the meat course, this is four," Tiffani reminds him. Dave is shown sipping some more wine. Tiffani plates the meat. "She looks like Mario Batali," Mathra decides, "a pre-pubescent Mario Batali who couldn't grow a beard to save his life."
Dining room. Before the meat courses are brought out, Bot says, "I think we should just eat through her talking." Colicchio agrees. Tiffani comes out and explains her saltimbocca with Primitivo glace, and tells them to drink the Barolo with it. Dana is sort of confused as to why they aren't drinking the Primitivo with the Primitivo dish. Tiffani then explains that the veal with minted peas and spinach crema is paired with the Brunello. After Tiffani leaves, Dana observes, "I think it just continues this very perverse wine service." I assume she's referring to the Barolo being paired with the Primitivo glace. Lorraine thinks, "I think we needed our sommelier." Bot tells them all that Tiffani does in fact have a sommelier on her team. Hey, don't saddle Stephen with this -- he had no say. "Both dishes are good, but they're not great," Colicchio decides. "I'm not needing to lick my plate and that makes me sad," Lorraine says.
In the kitchen, Dave works on his dessert while Stephen and Tiffani make an accompanying drink of some sort. "It would have been so fun to do this," Dave says. "I mean, I did it -- you know what I mean." "I'm glad you got to help," Tiffani says. "Help"? Honey, he did the dessert, he did not "help" with the dessert. Dave tells us that for once Tiffani didn't overpower him with what she wanted to do -- he just got to do what he knows how to make. Stephen tells us, "Dave was so honorable that he put the dessert that he planned to use for himself and he just gave it to Tiffani. If Dave didn't have that recipe, I'm not sure what Tiffani would have done." Tiffani smugly follows the desserts out.
Tiffani explains to the Dinnerati that she paired cocktails with the desserts. Now hold on: I really love this idea because I have been known to finish with a little Brandy Alexander in place of dessert, but is it in keeping with the rules? I mean, I think wines can be hard to pair with sweet things, so I assumed that would be part of the challenge. They don't call her on it, but I always felt she got away with something here. Anyway, she's got a golden raisin bread pudding with a rum cocktail, and a vanilla panna cotta (I hate the way she affects an Italian accent to say "panna cotta." It's annoying when Little Big Head Giada does it, and she's actually Italian!) that has a passion fruit reduction and is paired with an amaretto cocktail. They all rave, rave, RAVE over the dishes. "Tiffani is really shining in this dessert part," Bot says. Hee hee hee. Oh, the axe is being sharpened!
In the kitchen, Tiffani, Stephen, and Dave clink full wineglasses and Tiffani says, "I cannot begin to thank you enough." Dave wells up for the camera and says he was happy to be able to cook in the finale, but it's still hard. Oh, Dave.
Tiffani rejoins the Dinnerati. Drew asks Tiffani the same loaded question about who she is cooking for, herself or her guests. Tiffani responds, "I cook the way I want to eat and that's really important to me." BUZZ! Wrong answer! And she goes on, "I think cooking to please other people, to me, it just falls short." You're done, sister. What a very telling answer, though. Dana praises her risk-taking, and the cocktails, but questions some of her wine pairings. Hubert loved the desserts. Tiffani is excused.
The Judges deliberate at their table. Harold played it safe but was solid. Colicchio really thinks they have to think about risk/reward for Tiffani. All the judges agree. They go on and on about the desserts again, and Colicchio wonders who really made those desserts. "Well, I really think we could gain some insight about the entire challenge if we brought in the four sous chefs," Bot stilts.
The four former cheftestants are brought out. Starting with Stephen, Colicchio wants to know how much of his sommelier influence was felt in Tiffani's wine and food pairings. Stephen says he definitely "brought [his] perspective from the beverage end of things," and then starts to talk about how it was a difficult pairing with such an ambitious menu of so many dishes. Colicchio wonders how they felt when they found out ten dishes would be involved. "You know, as much as I'd like to hose Tiffani... " Stephen begins. Lee Anne snarfs. "No, it's cool -- gotta give her a high five," Stephen finishes. Lee Anne says she totally respects Tiffani for going for it. "So do we," Gail says smugly, interrupting her. Turning to Harold, Miguel thinks he did an awesome job, and adds, "He was really making sure that we were taken care of." Lee Anne adds, "He knows he couldn't get to this place without the support of his coworkers and his cast mates."
Colicchio turns to Dave and wonders how things went for him, especially knowing that he wanted to work with Harold. "I am a professional," Dave shrugs delicately, "I will put forth my best effort -- you know, friend, foe, whatever, ally, blah, blah, blah." Bot wants to know if Tiffani was "good" to them. "She was best as Tiffani can be," Dave says, and then goes on about how Tiffani was still snappish and bossy and yelling at them to stop talking. Stephen adds that Tiffani is in such a bad position with them because she should be kissing their asses for their help. For some reason, though, he says, "Kissing our you-know-whats." I think that's the second time Stephen has tried hard not to swear. Is he a fucking Quaker or something? Dave expounds on Stephen's point and says they are essentially helping to put cash in her pocket, and if there was ever a time for someone to be considerate and cool, this was it. Colicchio now learns that Dave did the dessert start to finish. The judges go off on how much they loved the dessert. Dave said he made sure to have some recipes memorized in the last few weeks so he could have a dessert at the ready: "So, again, being a professional, I threw it to Tiffani, 'cause I'm on her team, I gotta pull through for her." Wrapping it up, Bot asks who they would all pick to win Top Chef. Without hesitation, Lee Anne says, "Harold." Miguel says, "I love them both personally, but Harold. Absolutely." You love them both? You love the snake? Dave and Stephen both choose Harold as well. Damn. U-fucking-nanimous. The former cheftestants are excused.
Tiffani and Harold are brought in. "Wow, we're standing, huh?" Tiffani snarks. Shut up. Bot gets right into it by asking why Harold played it so safe. "To be honest, I just didn't want to hose myself," Harold responds. "I like simple food. I'm sorry if you felt the menu wasn't extravagant enough." Bot turns to Tiffani, saying, "Tiffani, you know, Harold chose to write a menu, you chose to come out and talk. Did you ever think when you came out --" "You didn't talk," Tiffani interrupts the Bot to ask Harold. "What's that?" Harold says, turning to her in surprise. "You didn't talk at all?" Tiffani repeats, rudely. "No, he wrote a menu," Colicchio explains for her again. And then Tiffani nods calmly, purses her lips, and looks off to the side, all of which clearly smug, "Really? I am so very interested to hear how you chose to take a sucky route where as I? Am better." I'll never forget how hard I raged over that the first time I watched this episode. Of all the bitch things she had done up to this point, I saw this as the worst. First there's the interrupting of Bot and possibly giving her a syntax error in the process; then there's the obvious "I really heard what Bot said but I wish to fully underscore how overwhelmingly 'surprised' I am to hear that you didn't do the thing in the dining room that clearly made me so wonderful by specifically asking you. That way, it will be cemented in all the judges' heads that clearly, you did wrong and I am Queen of Anything Having To Do With Food." In fact, I'm actually verbally impotent to express just how pissed off that little scene of hers makes me. I'm actually stutter-typing in rage. I think I need a beer.
Okay, so the best part of this whole "talking with the Dinnerati" thing is that we KNOW the Dinnerati hated it! We KNOW they bitched about how a small blathering mouth makes for cold food! We KNOW this is actually going to be a detraction in the judges' eyes! Yay. "You know, we were sitting listening to you, and our food was getting colder and colder and colder," Bot informs Tiffani as Colicchio watches her narrowly. Instead of apologizing, Tiffani basically blames the cold food on the Dinnerati: "I think it just was my assumption that you would all start eating and that was my misstep for sure." Still no apology. Normally, it is considered rude to eat in front of someone who is not eating unless that person gives their leave for everyone else to start eating. Tiffani clearly doesn't know enough about etiquette. ["Plus that was vintage 'I'm sorry you feel that way' condescension. Cram it, Red, goddamn." -- Sars] Colicchio thinks that it was all compounded by the fact that she doubled up on dishes and had to explain two instead of one. "Fair enough," Tiffani shrugs. HATE! Colicchio asks what Harold would have changed. Well, Harold wasn't happy with the fact that Bot got a bloodline in her fish, and he also doesn't usually cook quail well-done. "Who cooked the quail?" Colicchio wants to know. Harold cops to it. Tiffani smiles serenely at this. BITCH HATE BITCH!
Turning to Lorraine Bracco, Bot prompts her to express her thoughts on the pairings. "Tiffani, I was unhappy that you paired the Amarone with --" "With the bass," Tiffani INTERRUPTS! "With the bass," Lorraine finishes. "If it didn't work then we took a risk, but in ten courses, if we failed once, I'm sorry," Tiffani blasés. Bitch? You didn't fail just once, so shut your big small mouth. Colicchio wants to know what her favorite dish was. "I'm really proud of what I put forward today," Tiffani says, "I don't know if I have a favorite. I think the panna cotta [STOP accenting it! You aren't on NPR!] with the passion fruit was just a firecracker." Bot says everyone loved it. "I gave Dave, you know, directive of exactly what I wanted and he came through with it," Tiffani says serenely. Bitch is GOING DOWN. Colicchio looks slightly ill as he says, "I gotta tell you, Dave told us that that was a dish that he worked on prior to the competition, knowing that he may have to do dessert. He took full credit for that." Tiffani tries to recover and even talks over the last part of Colicchio's sentence as she says, "He and I talked about it very -- at length, Dave and I talked about it. And he brought something to it and I brought something different to it." Colicchio is clearly not convinced. "I couldn't be more blessed with the people that I ended up with today," Tiffani blathers on. "Like, I really enjoyed them as people, and as cooks. Stephen was a tremendous asset to me, so was Dave." This is the good part. "I mean, that's... admirable," Colicchio begins, "but both of them thought that, after working with you, that Harold should win this." Tiffani takes this in, the smug wiped clear off her big face. "I don't know what to say to that," she says, shaking her head, "it's heartbreaking, in a lot ways, that they thought that." Bot asks Tiffani why she should be Top Chef. "I consistently take risks," Tiffani says. You lost. "And sometimes to my detriment." You lost. "And sometimes it works out." You lost. "And if every great chef played it safe all the time, I don't know, I think it would be to everyone's detriment." You lost.
Same question for Harold. "I think throughout this competition, consistently my food's been really good, and I think it was again today. Also being a chef is -- you need to have people who want to be by your side and go to bat with you and work in the kitchen with you because you can't do it all by yourself," Harold says. Throughout this show, Harold has been the definition of honor and niceness (well, except for that "magic lasagna" unfortunateness), but I am so glad to see him finally score a point off another chef. Because this is a competition, and while you don't have to be a lying snake bitch like Tiffani, you do have to protect your interests and point out why you are better than another competitor. Tiffani and Harold are excused.
The judges deliberate, and it's the same old blather about Harold playing it safe and Tiffani taking risks. Colicchio adds, "The Top Chef is one who inspires others to want to work for them and clearly Harold took that."
Kitchen. Tiffani walks around. Harold leans on a counter. "I'm not going to lie [for once], it was really tough hearing that, like, everyone thought you should win." Harold sort of shrugs, not wanting to get into it with her. He's not responsible for what other people think or want. "My back just ran into your knife," Tiffani concludes. Bitch says what? I'm sorry, is she utterly DEE-RANGED? She's actually trying to blame Harold for why people dislike her. Wow, I don't think I can't handle this. Oh, oh, you're right, Tiffani, it's all HAROLD'S fault that you're a bitch. It's all HAROLD'S fault that you came out against Miguel and then lied to his face about it on national television. It's all HAROLD'S fault that you snap at people and order them around and interrupt them. It's all HAROLD'S fault that you took credit for Dave's dish. HAROLD hasn't done one damn thing to you. In fact, he has actually defended you and praised you, in the face of contrary popular opinion. God, do you ever know when to quit? Do you EVER take responsibility for your own actions? Tiffani, the name of the show isn't Top Bitch. Harold looks down and says, "Sorry." Oh, see, NO! Harold? What the fuck is wrong with you? You don't apologize to her! What the hell? You didn't, I mean, she was the one who -- I can't see why... I need another beer. You know what, Tiffani, Harold's only willing to hear you cry because he is an innocent man.
Yeah, you know what the rest of Harold's sentence better be? "I'm sorry you're a bitch." "I'm sorry I'm nicer than you." "I'm sorry I'm going to trounce your ass." "I'm sorry you live in a perpetual state of self-delusion." Do you know what Tiffani's response to Harold's apology is? "Fair enough. Fair enough." No, it's NOT "fair enough," Tiffani. The only way any of this is remotely "fair enough" is when Harold beats your small big mouth out of this whole damn competition! Man, I am going to be so worn out for the Season 2 premiere.
Judges' Table. They continue to discuss the pros and cons of all the dishes. When Colicchio says that Tiffani didn't even make the dessert, Lorraine says, "Also, I don't care about the whole drama behind the scenes -- I've worked on enough movies to know that drama is there and whether you're not getting along with your co-star... you know, the back story doesn't really mean anything, it's what I was served." You know, Lorraine, that sort of high-mindedness is great and all, but the back story is important on this show. This is how we know who is a leader and who is a bitch. Comparing what goes on on a movie or television set to what goes on in a kitchen, especially a kitchen competition, isn't very effective. There are two different ends being achieved in each situation. You have to act with a co-star, but you usually don't have to look to that co-star for direction on how to do your job. You don't view the co-star as an ideal, a mentor, a leader. Unless, of course, that co-star is Alyssa Milano. Finally, all the judges agree that they have a winner. Lorraine reiterates that she's choosing on food alone and not drama. Yes, we get it -- now shut up, Lorraine Bracco.
Harold and Tiffani are brought back in. Colicchio rather pointlessly reminds them that only one of them can win. Really, Colicchio? REALLY?! Since this is the last episode, I'm going to give a full transcript of what Colicchio says to each finalist. To Tiffani, he says, "Tiffani, you went for ten dishes, and some of those dishes really sang and some of them were a little challenging. We admired that, and throughout the competition, we have seen you grow and we all love to see that passion that you put into your [cue Tiffani's smug, self-satisfied smile] food, you know, but you've sort of let your drive and ambition get in the way of relationships and it seems like it's something you're working on and you need to work it out." Turning to Harold, Colicchio says, "Harold, you took the safe route here, we all think. But your food was consistently good and sometimes really extraordinary. You had a strong team, a team that really supported you and it counts for something but when all's said and done, this is not a popularity contest." Tiffani gets that thoughtful look back on her face as she nods smugly and attentively. Just wait. Bot goes on about how difficult the decision was to make: "Only one of you can be Top Chef." Long pause. Finally, Bot tells Harold he is the new Top Chef. Hells YEAH! "Oh my god, thank you, thank you so much," Harold says. Tiffani closes her eyes over her quickly disappearing mouth. Harold and Tiffani embrace. Yuck. Harold tells us how great it feels, and tells Bot he's ready for a cocktail. Bot turns to Tiffani: "So, Tiffani? I have to say it, please pack your knives and go." Tiffani turns around, hands in the air and says, "I'm gone. Thanks, guys. Harold, my heart." What, did his knife make it into your heart as well? Are you now going to blame him for winning? Harold says he'll talk to her. In a final interview, Tiffani cries about how she's struggled her whole life, so the idea of having money to travel and pay off her debts was pretty tempting. She exits the frame.
Judges' table. Miguel, Dave, Stephen, and Lee Anne are brought back in to congratulate Harold. They cheer and hug and cry (Dave). Harold's thrilled about everything, and says his restaurant will be opening in fall of 2006.
time: NEW SEASON!