By Keckler
Previously on Top Chef, the cheftestants were tasked with cooking for Ted Allen's dinner party in celebration of him. Andrea was sent home, Dave cried, Tiffani was a bitch, Miguel hissed, and it was awesome.
Morning dawns on San Francisco. Tiffani tells us that, "Miguel felt the need to come after [her] for his professional failures." Um, no. Actually, really, no. What Miguel "felt the need to come after" you for was the fact that you "stepped up" to Colicchio and said that it was Miguel's time to go. But hey, it's okay, given your actions throughout the rest of the series, this sort of denial and outright lying from you is no big surprise. Miguel tells us he's "not ready to walk," he's ready to "play harder." Dave tells us he really needs to win the challenge to get confidence. These morning "reveals" are really sort of pointless and dull in their expositionness. Well, except for the time when Brian said Andrea's ass was "bananas." That was kind of awesome.
They walk into the kitchen for the Quickfire Challenge and are greeted by a smug Colicchio and a Katie Leebot who appears to be on sleep mode. There are piles of vegetables, meats, dairy condiments, and bread of every color spread out on the prep tables. Katie Leebot says that the theme today is business. How is it possible that Katie Leebot made a beautiful cornucopia of so much delectable food so boring? Colicchio reminds us of his many culinary achievements and then segues into 'Wichcraft (which is supposedly opening very soon in San Francisco), his "fast-casual sandwich shop." Colicchio tells them that the task is to create a wonderful sandwich, using anything they see in on the table and in the pantry. "Balance the flavors, just like you would in a regular dish, make a sandwich out of it," Colicchio says. I guess Stephen's up shit's creek with his soupspoons in this one. The winner of the Quickfire will not receive immunity, but Colicchio does have something special in store for the winner. I have to transcribe what he says because it is SO smurfy, "The winning 'wich will be featured on the 'Wichcraft menu when we open here in San Francisco." Okay, Colicchio, I'll give you that as a name for a restaurant, "'Wichcraft" is pretty clever when considering all your other "Craft"-y restaurants. However, using 'wich in everyday speech as though it were a thing to catch on is sort of pathetic. "Stephanie, what do you want for lunch?" "Oh, I think I'm in the mood for a 'wich." No. He was the Earl of Sandwich, not the Earl of 'Wich. Tiffani is grinning so smugly that I just want to take that bowl of tapenade and smear it all over her big face and then melt cheese over it before skewering the whole mess with a big Dagwood Bumstead olive.
The chefs make sandwiches. I fucking love sandwiches. I'm like Joey about them: they are my favorite food. Colicchio's menu at 'Wichcraft is pretty tempting and I really can't wait for the San Francisco place to open on Market. I think my favorite is the goat cheese, avocado, celery, watercress, and walnut pesto on multi-grain. I think I'll go make one now. Lee Anne is whipping up something with sunchokes and eggs on focaccia. Stephen fishhooks with eggs, plantains, and brioche. Dave sobs over ham, arugula, and grape jelly. Okay, he isn't actually crying. Yet. Tiffani tells Dave to watch his bacon and then lunges at the stove. That was nice of her. I hope it wasn't just because she knew the cameras were on her. Tiffani's sandwich looks as though it will be made out of roast beef, eggs, and arugula. Miguel builds with chickpeas, zucchini, and sprouts, while Harold deals with mortadella, red grapes, and sunchokes. I would have loved to be on this challenge and it would have been the only one I could have even attempted. I might have gone with peanut butter, jelly, and bacon, or fresh goat cheese, roasted cold beets, fennel, and dressed watercress, or even ham, brie, tomato, and chives. Wait, no, Gorgonzola dolce, sliced pears, crushed walnuts, and Maui onions. Okay, stop the presses: yellow mustard, sharp cheddar, green apples, ham, avocado, and sprouts. I'd name it "The Andrea." Time elapses, and Stephen swears, doing a flicking thing with his towel. I think he's annoyed, but his mannerisms are so Beau Brummell blotting down his moist brow on hot day on London's Rotten Row that it's hard to tell.
Colicchio tells the Katie Leebot that they will be starting with the hot sandwiches. Stephen presents his sandwich, explaining, "I've prepared a breakfast and lunch sandwich. I'm a big fan of having eggs in the afternoon because I rise pretty late." "Is it fair to say it's a brunch sandwich?" Colicchio asks. Stephen pauses, comically flummoxed, and says, "Yes!" His sandwich is a sunnyside-up egg, crisp prosciutto, melted Manchego cheese, plantains, mangoes, a shaved fennel salad that is dressed in lime juice, olive oil, chiles, and parsley, and grilled brioche bread. There's a lot going on there, but it sounds perfectly delicious. Colicchio bites and mutters that it's quite good. Dave decided name his sandwich "Grape Ape," which is composed on grilled sourdough bread (nice nod to San Francisco). It has lightly dressed arugula, a duxelle of portabellos and creminis that also has bacon and roasted peppers, black forest ham, Pecorino Toscano, and grape jam. I don't get the grape jam with a mushroom duxelle that also includes roasted peppers. "Why do I think Colicchio just wants to eat a bunch of sandwiches?" Mathra wonders. Colicchio likes it and compliments Dave for "going back to [his] flavors." Tiffani has a big sandwich to go with her big face. Colicchio even comments on the largeness of it. (Her sandwich, not her face.) She calls it "French Toast Toad-in-the-Hole" and it is roast beef, arugula, with the egg (the "toad") wrapped in Fontina, rosemary, and fennel seed. "I think I need a bigger mouth for it," Colicchio says. I'm sure Tiffani can lend you some of hers. "I was embarrassed, I was literally embarrassed," Tiffani tells us. Oh, she's one of those people who don't know how to use the word "literally." Figures. Colicchio thanks her for her offering and says, "That was -- that was work."
Lee Anne presents her salami, fried egg, and sunchokes on focaccia. Colicchio pulls long strands of greens out of his mouth after each bite. "time I'll chop the greens," Lee Anne notes. Harold tells Colicchio that he tried to go for ingredients that were "vacant" on 'Wichcraft's current menu and explains that he has mortadella, dandelion greens, trumpet royale mushrooms, and black olive aioli on sourdough bread. Colicchio says, "Everything's in there" and thinks it's great. We get to Miguel and his "Deconstructed Falafel." Oh, dear. The point of the Quickfire is that it's supposed to be a sandwich. Between two slices of bread. Portable. Pickupable. Not deconstructed. "Basically, the falafel, instead of being inside, is now your bread." "Okay," Colicchio says, looking askance, "I guess in fairness to everyone else, I'm gonna have to eat this with my hands." They don't tell us what exactly is inside the falafel, but I'm guessing avocado, sprouts, grilled zucchini, maybe some cheese, and mushrooms. Miguel argues that he supplied a knife and fork, but Colicchio tells him, "No, I know, but a sandwich has to be eaten with your hands." Miguel sort of agrees but tells Colicchio "it's going to be really messy." Colicchio does exhibit a tough time eating it but compliments Miguel on his flavors. In the end, Colicchio really liked Dave's sandwich; thought Stephen's flavors were too "all over the place;" loved the mortadella in Harold's but would have loved to see the grapes he had on the side inside the sandwich itself; and tells Miguel that he would have won had he actually made a sandwich because the flavors were great, and he's always looking for a vegetarian sandwich. Harold wins the challenge. "Does that mean that we're partners now?" Harold jokes. I'll be looking for that sandwich in San Francisco. And how.
The Katie Leebot says that Colicchio will be taking them all over to a "raw restaurant space" that has two separate dining rooms. They will divide into two teams and each team will create a new restaurant concept for their space. "You will create a name and a menu for your space and you will have a budget of one thousand dollars for everything you need," the Katie Leebot drones. They will draw knives to determine teams. The Red Team is Harold, Tiffani, and Dave. "The perfect team would have been me, Harold, and Lee Anne," Tiffani tells us. "Dave is difficult to work with -- everything becomes very personal to Dave." The Blue Team is Lee Anne, Miguel, and Stephen. One member from the most successful team will win the challenge, but the entire losing team will be judged and one "mimber" will be sent home. The teams are told to jump into their product-placed Highlander Hybrids and brainstorm on their way to the restaurant space. Lee Anne tells us that she got put on the team with the "Big Thinker" (Stephen) and the "No Thinker" (Miguel). We get shots of Stephen shopping and going way over budget and shots of Lee Anne telling Miguel, "Dude, that's a huge mistake."
Tiffani addresses her team in the car and says, "Before any of this starts, I think it's really important for all three of us to recognize and know now none of this is personal." Which, in her mind, gives her complete leeway to be a "bitch, bitch" to Dave. Harold and Dave agree with her. As they plan their restaurant, it looks as though Dave is making suggestions that Tiffani is ignoring. They both bad mouth each other's teamwork to us. Over in the Blue Team's car, Lee Anne and Stephen appear to have problems keeping Miguel on track. He doesnât really seem to understand what their idea of a Spanish-themed restaurant would entail. Loser music plays. Miguel feels steamrolled by Stephen and Miguel.
Both teams arrive at the space (Octavia Lounge on Market in downtown San Francisco) and Colicchio gives them the low-down. Guests will show up and can make a decision about where they want to eat based on each team's menu and ambiance. Guests will then be able to judge each team. The teams check out the space and realize they have a lot of work ahead of them. The teams now sit down to really plot out their restaurant. Tiffani wants their restaurant to be called "American Workshop," and it will feature the "greatest hits" that restaurants have to offer. Dave will be front of the house with Harold and Tiffani cooking in the back. The food will be served family style on communal tables. That makes plating much easier for them, and will also make serving easier for Dave. Dave comments that Tiffani definitely thinks she's in charge of the team even though running a restaurant is what he does in his day to day job. "If Dave gets in a bad headspace, it's over, but it could have been much worse, we could have had Stephen," Tiffani tells us. We see Stephen pacing in his raw restaurant. Tiffani sees this and tells her team, "Stephen's walking the space, walking the space." It wouldn't be so bad if his hands weren't clasped meditatively behind his back, like he's some Cambridge don readying himself for his afternoon supervision. Miguel tells us they named the restaurant "Sabor," which is Spanish for "taste." Stephen tells us, "We wanted to give an experience to our guests of Spanish food and wine, but obviously accented with our style of innovation and esoteric technique, you could say." No, you could say, because I don't see Lee Anne and Miguel falling in with "esoteric." Stephen then holds forth about the room flowing with a "going in and a going out." He puts himself in one corner, points his toe like a French marquis in a Renaissance painting, and throws his hands up in the air. I have no idea what he's on about. Clearly, Stephen's assigned to front of the house. It's all coming back to me -- this is going to be so hysterical! Stephen talks out loud about serving and bussing and tells his team that he's going to be on the floor "yapping" about the wine and things. He then decides that the Red Team's space looks like a banquet hall, "Like they're going to serve some slop on plates -- disgusting." Stephen then tells us that Dave's style "is not something you haven't seen before, you're used to it." However, his style, "is more refined." Dude, oil is refined -- that doesn't make it tasty.
Back at Bryan's, the teams shop. Sabor is making a trio of tapas, which includes red snapper on paella cake and olive oil ice cream. Where's the third? Miguel is sent off to get some mussels and six pounds of red snapper. Miguel talks about how small their budget is and notes that there's no room for error. Lee Anne also has to reign Stephen in from "buying a bunch of nonsense" including twenty-four-dollars worth of coffee. American Workshop shops for tuna tartar, roast chicken, fall vegetables, and fruit crisp. Miguel reports back that the snapper is seven ninety-nine a pound. Lee Anne tells him to get seven pounds. Miguel goes back to the fishmonger, and Lee Anne tells Stephen that she was thinking the snapper would be more like sixteen dollars a pound, so she's happy with the price. Miguel pays for the fish and brings it back. Lee Anne examines it and realizes Miguel fucked up. The fish was sevenTEEN ninety-nine a pound. Lee Anne would not have ordered that extra pound had she known the actual price. "Okay, well I made an error, all right," Miguel shrugs. Lee Anne glares him down. "What -- you want me to take it back?" Miguel asks. I think he's asking rhetorically, but that's exactly what Lee Anne wants him to do. Stephen puts it all into perspective, "That's, like, two bottles of wine, dude." Miguel takes the fish back, and Stephen wanders around the wine shop cradling two Jeroboams of Veuve Clicquot Yellow. I don't think those are nine dollars each, dude. Also, isn't the wine supposed to be Spanish? Why isn't he going with a Cava? Freak -- he doesn't know anything!
Back at the Octavia Lounge, the teams ready the kitchen and the food. Dave complains that Tiffani is a hardass who wants to run the whole show. If they lose, he's sending her home. ["On a river of his tears, perhaps? Shut up, Dave." -- Joe R] Stephen plays around with Sabor's front of the house. He arranges plates and sits in chairs. He's so weird. Lee Anne tells us that Stephen didn't really check in with them and notes that Dave was helping the other team prep, "Stephen was in the dining room doing whatever Stephen does." Stephen appears to be trimming the carpet with scissors and vacuuming. He also tries to move a table set with plates and knocks one of the plates off. Lee Anne and Miguel aren't doing too well in the kitchen. Lee Anne is flustered and tells Miguel his sauce or whatever is too salty. Miguel tells us he allowed Lee Anne to micromanage him because she wants things done a certain way and he just let her do them.
Colicchio arrives for his usual Sniff 'n' Sneer. He asks Lee Anne and Stephen who came up with the idea of a Spanish restaurant, if they have ever prepared Spanish food, and if they've ever been to Spain. Stephen and Lee Anne both say they've cooked it, but only Lee Anne has been to Spain. Can you tell who's going to lose? Meanwhile, American Workshop has explained that they want to do what amounts to comfort foods -- a really good roast chicken with a really good jus and the like. Should someone tell them that Zuni Café's famous roast chicken with really good jus is a block away?
Stephen goes to Economy Restaurant Fixtures store in SOMA, and wow. I don't have the energy for this tonight. I have to sleep and store up to deal with Stephen's escapades tomorrow. Okay, I'm refreshed. So, Stephen's there and he's babbling on about his aegis for Sabor. On the opposite end, Dave is being really basic. While Stephen fingers every individual Champagne flute (dude, it's a restaurant supply store, they aren't going to have Spiegelau!), Dave just tells a guy what he needs in bulk. Stephen meanders around with an Economy lackey, saying, "Yeah, I need to save as much as possible, maintaining a level of quality of course." Lee Anne notes to us, "Stephen's got Champagne tastes on a beer budget." Dave takes pains to send cell phone pictures to Harold and Tiffani of what he wants to buy. Harold praises Dave for what he's doing and admits he'd be a "bumbling idiot" in his place because he's just good at "making food look pretty." "I wanted to help decorate the room, it's something I enjoy doing, and it feeds who I am, but I was happy to sort of have Dave out of the kitchen," Tiffani tells us. She's such a bitch, man. Dave checks out of Economy with a total of slightly less than five hundred dollars.
Still perusing Economy, Stephen tells his bag boy that he wants to keep the total around four hundred. "Okay, we're above that," Bag Boy says. Stephen is aghast. "Yeah, we're over a thousand, easy, right now," Bag Boy tells him. Stephen is totally, totally aghast. What an idiot. Miguel tells us that they knew Stephen was going to be "WAY over budget." Back in the kitchen, the back of the house cooks. Dave puts tables together for American Workshop. Lee Anne and Miguel wonder where Stephen is. He's still at Economy dealing with gravy boats. GRAVY BOATS! Stephen tells Bag Boy to scratch all the gravy boats. I think I've been to, like, one restaurant that had a gravy boat, and it wasn't even a gravy boat, it was more a gravy dinghy for an individual serving. I don't think restaurants really go in for that kind of stuff, and I've eaten all up and down the restaurant food chain. Stephen meticulously explains that they can get rid of the individual red and white wine glasses and go with a wine tumbler, "Which is more traditional in Spain." Dude, the wine tumbler is more traditional in rustic cuisines all over Europe. Provence, Burgundy, Ile-de-France? Tumblers. Tuscany, Piedmont, Lazio? Tumblers. Keckler's Kitchen in San Francisco? Tumblers. They are the latest "thing." Stephen finally gets his bill down. Lee Anne and Miguel are pissed that Stephen's still not there.
After the commercial break, Stephen has finally returned to Octavia Lounge and starts to unload his loot. He complains to us, "When I arrived back from the restaurant supply house, I had to put the whole entire dining room together, unpack everything I had bought, write a whole entire menu -- it was going to be a crunch." Miguel comments to us that Stephen was gone a long-ass time and that he thinks too much about little details. The Katie Leebot arrives to bring the teams into the dining room to meet the guest judge. Whatever, it's Jeffrey "I'm a Convicted Felon" Chodorow, also know as Jeffrey "Failed Rocco DiSpirito Venture" Chodorow and Jeffrey "A Shave and a Shower Might Not Go Amiss" Chodorow. The cheftestants drool over him. I get violently ill. Stephen says, "Jeffrey's known for, you know, restaurant concepts and turning them into money-making machines." Tell that to Rocco's. The Katie Leebot goes over what will go down with the restaurant patrons and the winner, loser, etc. Jeffrey Chodorow tells the cheftestants that the winner will accompany him and a team of chefs from his newest ventures to the Cannes Film Festival. Will you fly Braniff airlines? The movie shit aside, the Cannes Film Festival is a major event for chefs as well. Only the best chefs get selected to go and cook for all the parties and events. The Katie Leebot makes an unfunny, "So the winning chef will get to go to Cannes, and somebody else will be getting canned." Oh, like you, Katie Lee Joel?
The cheftestants cook and cook. Lee Anne gets pissed when she realizes the expensive snapper isn't even scaled! It's all Miguel's fault, but he says, "I don't think it had nothing to do with me getting the fish." Right, the unscaled fish had nothing to do with you getting that unscaled fish. Fine. Lee Anne dons gloves and scales. Stephen admits that he's "in the weeds" and way behind schedule. Maybe it would speed things up if he took that mammoth wine bottle out of his ass. Colicchio comes in and laughs at how screwed Stephen is. I'm sorry, Stephen annoys me but Colicchio is such a dick. Tim Gunn would never, NEVER laugh at how behind anyone is. Even with Vincent, who he HATED, he never laughed at him (well, except in his podcasts), he was just always "concerned" about time. You know, put Jacques Pepin in the Tim Gunn role here and you'd see a different story. The problem is, too many restaurant chefs are these alpha males or females who have such huge egos that they can't be impartial. They are always critics. And they almost always sneer. Bobby Flay? No way. Tyler Florence? Nope. Even my beloved Mario Batali couldn't do this. Who could be the Tim Gunn of this show? Jacques Pepin has the gentleness and, in his role as a dean at the French Culinary Institute, he sort of has that academic parallel to Tim Gunn and Parsons. He's also been on television before. Basically, Pepin is not just a restaurant chef and he's not just a food critic. For instance, Jeffrey Steingarten could not fit the Tim Gunn role in this show because he's really just a critic. And he's also a total bitch without being nice about it. Tim can be bitchy, but he does it in a gentle, witty, caring way. Alton Brown is a pseudo-academic and could potentially fill the role. Tops on my list, though, would have been Julia Child. She had no professional restaurant experience, sure, but she was obviously still top of the game, and no one could argue that she doesn't have heart and sympathy. Sadly, all of these people are Big Names and Tim Gunn wasn't a Big Name before the show. Maybe that's why he's so good at his role. He didn't have the ego or starpower to trip him up before the first season aired.
Dave explains his very simple, and very completed restaurant concept to Colicchio. Stephen continues to randomly carry around Jeroboams of Veuve. Dave and Stephen tack up their restaurant menus. It looks as though the restaurants will have prix fixe menus with no options other than what I've already described. Oh, I see, the "Tapas Trio" is the appetizer for Sabor, and the red snapper on paella cake is the main, and the olive oil ice cream (yum!) is the dessert. I've grasped it now.
Diners arrive and sit where they want. Some diners like the brown paper covering the tables, they think it's "homey." Do you all put brown paper on your dining room table? I know I don't. Dave hyperspazedly explains that they are doing family style because their food is about socializing and meeting and greeting other people. Stephen ponces around with his wine and spouts that the rosé Cava he has is very rare because they don't make a lot of rosé Cavas. Huh, my experiences have taught me otherwise, and I've never even been to Spain. As other diners wait to be seated, Stephen actually goes into the actual wine-making process for rosés with the two women he is addressing. Stephen, I don't know why you go to extremes. Too high or too low, there ain't no in between. It's clear that American Workshop is well underway and getting into food service. Still, Stephen holds up the dining room (the back of the house wonders where he is) and over-explains stuff. Lee Anne is getting really stressed and finally yells at Stephen that they will start running the food for Stephen if he doesn't get his act together. Stephen tries to defend himself to us but it's a really weak argument. Lee Anne orders him to please take food out. She then touches the plate and exclaims, "They're cold!" "It's madness out there," Stephen says. No, it's not, you garlic bulb! Dave ably handles their patrons. People really seem to like it. "The other team's concept is totally a style that I would not engage in, you know it's very warming, welcoming, very comfortable," Stephen says. That's right, Stephen, no one would ever accuse you of being welcoming or comfortable. He says Sabor is on the opposite spectrum. Stephen blathers that their food was outstanding and that he wanted the dining room to reflect "the art that was to come out of the kitchen." Some of the diners seem happy, and say, "It was worth the wait." Diners at American Workshop wonder if the fancy-dancy tuna tartar meshes with the homey roast chicken.
Lee Anne continues to freak out because Stephen is not there running the food. Stephen announces, "The judges have sat." Ineffectual idiot. Chodorow brags that he just got back from Spain, so this meal will be an extension of his trip. Stephen babbles at the judges about his wine wares. Stephen tells us, "I understand that some of the courses were a bit delayed and it was a little frustrating for me, but I was completely composed in the dining room and no one even saw a trickle of sweat on my forehead." Well, goody for you but you're the reason why the FUCKING COURSES WERE DELAYED! Colicchio pointedly asks who scaled the fish. Apparently, he found a scale. He picks around his fish. See, this is why I think it's a conflict of interest for him to be doing the Tim Gunn thing as well as the judge thing. During his Sniff 'n' Sneer, he could have seen and noted that the fish wasn't scaled yet -- we just don't know. Stephen relays the bad news to the kitchen. Swearing all around. Out in the dining room, the Katie Leebot FINALLY exhibits her first sign of being an actual judge. She thinks that Stephen's whole "educate the guests" about wine thing comes off as arrogant and condescending. Colicchio shrugs, "He's young." They move over to American Workshop. Dave thinks the judges really responded to their food. I love that American Workshop served the roast chicken on sienna-colored terra cotta plates -- it's very warming. Chodorow thinks Sabor took more risks but says American Workshop is "comfort food done really well." Dave and Stephen encourage the diners to rate the restaurants. No way to tell who is going to win based on the guests' comments to the camera, but we already know they played loser music for Sabor in the ramp-up. However, Stephen is confident that they won.
The judges do their pointless chatter. They have critiques for both concepts but restate that the diners are the people who determined the winning team. American Workshop is summoned to the judges' table. As the team leaves, Miguel wonders, "You think they're reversing it?" Stephen opines, "If it is the way it should be? Yes, hands down. Anybody can do that stuff -- roasted chicken? I mean, come on. I wouldn't sweat it, man. Our food was fly." Yes, the garlic bulb said "fly," and if that's not the sign of Sabor's impending doom, I don't know what is. Katie Leebot congratulates them. Tiffani and Dave dramatically express relief. Harold just sits there, pleased. With his pencil behind his ear. Their customer satisfaction was 26/30. They slap hands. The diners thought the food was great, they loved Dave, and they really liked the family style serving. They just have to decide who is going to Cannes. Chodorow invites each of them to explain why they are Cannes-worthy. Tiffani starts, "American Workshop? Is a restaurant name? That has been in my heart and my head. For over five years. And I gave it up to all this -- to do well tonight." You know, I just hate her so much. Tiffani goes on that the vegetables were her idea, the jus was Harold's. "Could I do a jus like that? Sure," Tiffani smugs. Harold just seems amused by her preening. But Tiffani's not finished, "Dave rocked the front of the house, but could I have done the same thing? Yes." No fucking way. Her patter is so forced and fake and annoying and stupid and big face and bitch and HATE! The Katie Leebot notes, "Dave, I see you shaking your head over there." Dave says he brings integrity to everything he does, "I was running the front of the house and really making everything a pleasure -- that was where I excelled in this challenge." Dave says that Tiffani had "a vision" and it was great but you can't be everything in a team of three. Tiffani starts to interrupt him. Dave says, "It's my turn to talk, okay?" Tiffani makes an elaborate, "Sor-RY!" face. Hate her so. "I've heard you talk for the last twenty-four hours, about you, about your ideas, about duh-duh-duh!" Tiffani AGAIN tries to interrupt. Dave holds up a hand to her face, "So, let's just, let's just bup -- let's zip it!" "Okay," Tiffani smiles AND STILL TRIES TO INTERRUPT! "When you talked, you talked, so let me talk!" Dave tells her. TIFFANI IS STILL TALKING! She manages to get in, "I also didn't bash you." Dave explodes, "You've been bashing me for the last twenty-four hours: 'Don't touch that!' 'Don't touch that!' 'Don't touch that!' It's like --" Tiffani wonders when she ever said that to him. Dude, when DIDN'T you say that to him? "Every TIME -- I'm not your bitch, bitch!" And there it is. Tiffani is all "wow." Whatever, she's been called worse in kitchens, because that's how kitchens are, whether you're male, female, bi, trans, whatever -- so don't go pearl-clutching now. I'm sure she's given as good as she's gotten, too. Dave goes off on Tiffani, saying he treats him like shit. Tiffani keeps saying "wow." Shut up, Tiffani. It's now Harold's turn to say his piece. He doesn't think he should go to Cannes. He shrugs, "All I did was, I was in the kitchen, we were cooking together, it was like another day in the office." And that is precisely why Harold is loved by millions. In terms of personality, he's a cook, not a chef. There's a huge difference. Chodorow asks Harold who should go to Cannes. Harold says -- and I'm transcribing it because in the final episode, I will rain hell upon Tiffani for what she says to Harold -- "Working to Tiffani was fantastic. Every once in awhile you will cook with someone that you feel so comfortable cooking to, like you've been working together for ten years. And that's how I felt working with Tiffani. But I mean, Dave would definitely have to be my choice." Harold goes on -- in his laid-back-in-his-chair way -- that Dave was put under tremendous pressure to make it all happen with minimal time. Chodorow says that he'd like to take both Tiffani and Dave but says they won because of service and that was all Dave. Dave "lit up the room." Amazingly, Dave doesn't cry!
After being told that Dave is going to Cannes, Sabor is sent in to the judges. The Katie Leebot says that one of the biggest complaints about their concept was that the service was too spread out. Launch the Stephen. "I'd say we provided an educational experience." He goes on and on about his whole wine shtick. "And nothing but compliments were said to us," he concludes. "Stephen," the Katie Leebot says, showing some actual signs of animation, "Your customers' surveys didn't show that people thought the service was great and the food was great." Stephen continues to argue, like a dumbass, about what the customers said to him, "They said they loved it. Loved. Quote, unquote. I'm sorry, but I don't think these people were lying when the --" The Katie Leebot sort of slaps her hand on the table and tells him that the bottom line is that his customers weren't satisfied. Where American Workshop got a 26/30 customer satisfaction, Sabor got 22/30. Stephen CONTINUES TO BLATHER, "I could've got the food out on time if I wasn't at the table explaining about where Rueda is in location to Rioja." "In location to"? Dude. Justdude. Gail announces, "Learning is one thing, being satisfied is another." Colicchio joins in the critique that Stephen is getting too caught up in his whole "need to educate the public." The adults in his restaurant don't need to be force-fed education. When addressed, Lee Anne admits that she wasn't necessarily comfortable with the team she had. Miguel, she says, didn't really know Spanish food but was happy to sit back and be the sous chef. Colicchio wonders why Miguel didn't push for food he knew. Miguel says he did but they still went another way. "What does it say on your jacket?" Colicchio wonders. "'Top Chef,'" Miguel reads. "It doesn't say 'Top Sous Chef,' does it?" Colicchio asks. No, Miguel agrees, that's not what they are there for. Colicchio wonders if it's time for Lee Anne to fire her sous chef. She admits she has yet to be "wowed" by Miguel, "So, I'll buy you a beer when we get back to New York. Sorry, dude." Stephen makes a long statement about the weakest one being the to go and he thinks that weakest one is Miguel. Miguel thinks Stephen should go. The three losers are excused while the judges deliberate. Stephen minces back into the kitchen, presses his fingertips together, and says, "Deliberation." He's SUCH a FREAK!
The judges deliberate. As usual, impossible to tell anything. Every cheftestant on the Sabor team gets criticized. Chodorow gets off laboriously, "This is not called 'Top Sommelier.'" Great line, horrible delivery.
Sabor is brought back in. Colicchio addresses each cheftestant and their faults. He even gets to repeat Chodorow's "Top Sommelier" line and adds to Stephen, "If you come back, we need to see you in a chef's coat." BURN! Seriously, all this suit wearing when everyone else was wearing their coats was so completely pretentious. Thank god Colicchio finally called him on it. However, Miguel is the one to be sent a'knife-packing.
In the kitchen, Miguel salutes the other cheftestants and says, "Chunk LeFunk has left the building. Thank you." He bows and hugs everyone. Even Tiffani. They all cheer that he's the junk food champion. Tiffani tells us that Miguel going home was the right move. I don't know, I think it could have been Stephen's time as well. Miguel tells us that he doesn't know where his career will go from here. He's opened a lot of doors and he says his success has never come from money but from a desire and passion to make people happy.
week: Stephen still hasn't learned that condescension does not pay. It's going to be a doozy!