By Keckler
Last week, the chefs microwaved up some meals, and Candice was sent home to finally be happy with Candice.
Andrea does roof yoga (a.k.a. "roga" or "yoof") in the early morning, Miguel sleeps, and Lisa tells us that she messed up the microwave competition. Andrea tells us that she knows people don't think she belongs there since she's already been eliminated once. "Stephen doesn't talk to me much -- I'm kind of the antithesis of everything he is," she say. Hon, count yourself lucky. Seriously, I will commit the rest of my life to being the antithesis of everything Stephen is.
In the Top Chef kitchens, the Katie Leebot introduces Michael Yakura of Le Colonial. "A very successful restaurant that fuses French and Asian influences," Katie Leebot says. Huh. So, she's calling it "fusion" when history calls it "oppressive imperialistic occupation." Don't you love it when that shit can be dressed up with catchy California Pizza Kitchenistic phraseology? The Quickfire Challenge is a blind taste test. Oh, like they did on Hell's Kitchen last summer? Original, Bravo. "For this challenge," Katie Leebot says portentously, "you will be blindfoded [sic]." It appears Katie Leebot has a lazy L. It's too bad they couldn't program that out of her basic. Lisa and Dave are convinced they're going to tank this challenge. Andrea has confidence that she'll pull through okay because she's eaten a lot of ethnic foods and loves fresh herbs. Stephen, on the other hand, has this to say: "I consider myself to be pretty savvy with when it comes to ingredients and I'm always in the top three percentile with whatever I do." I think you're underestimating yourself. You're definitely in the top one percentile of douchebaggery.
Lee Anne is up first and happy to get it over with. She has five minutes to taste twenty ingredients. She flubs longan, hibiscus nectar, agave (I helped cater a wedding where they refused to eat refined sugar for some hippy-dippy purification purging reason, so we used agave as a sweetener in almost everything), konnyaku, and chili paste, but gets tamarind. Time's up. Back in the waiting area, Lee Anne is not allowed to talk to anyone. Okay, this is tedious to recap. The chefs try things like nopales (prickly pear cactus pads), kampyo, curry paste, durian, nato (fermented soybeans), umeboshi plum, and ghee (Indian clarified butter). Heh, Andrea gets umeboshi plum right. It's a cure for constipation, so go figure. Tiffani tells us that as soon as she had the blindfold on, she didn't have a fucking clue. Dave thinks he'd be good with a snack food challenge, but not this. After it's all over, Chef Yakura is really nice and tells them that he knows this was a really tough challenge since "they've recently learned" that sight plays a major role in the kitchen.
Two chefs got one secret ingredient right, Tiffani and Miguel. Four got three right: Harold, Lee Anne, Stephen, and Lisa. Lisa beams. Stephen tells us, "This was very disappointing for myself." ["So is your incorrect use of a reflexive, Tin Tin. Hee." -- Sars] Andrea wins the challenge by getting four of them right. Dave tells us, "Andrea pulled through winning, which was great. Stephen's eyes went back into his head again because he continues to think that she has no place in this competition." Stephen tells us, "The fact that Andrea guessed four was actually surprising to me, but again she did beat me and that was a bit shocking in the competition overall." The cheftestants have to fuse two San Francisco culinary cultures to create a new kind of food. They'll make the food in the kitchen and then go out and flog it on the street in a food cart. Katie Leebot goes on, "Tomorrow you will take your food to the public and your dishes must be designed to be sode [sic] on the street." Lazy el again. Since Latin American food is one of the most popular cuisines in SF, they have to fuse Latin American food with another cuisine. They draw knives for teams and cuisines. Lee Anne and Stephen are assigned to do Latin/Chinese; Tiffani and Dave will do Latin/Moroccan; Lisa and Harold will do Latin/Japanese; and Miguel and Andrea will do Latin/Indian. Andrea mutters to Miguel, "I already know -- I already got it." She pokes at her head. Oh, lud. I could make all sorts of comments about India and not going to the bathroom and Andrea's obsession with bowel pursuits, but maybe I shouldn't. Katie Leebot says that the cheftestants will be pushing their fusion cuisine in the Mission District, "San Francisco's oh-dest Latin neighborhood." Seriously, is she from Boston?The chefs shop and discuss their plans of attack. They get two hundred dollars to spend and "one hour at each location." I don't have any frickin' clue what that means, Bravo. Lee Anne and Stephen get themselves to a Chinese market. Could be anywhere -- Chinatown, Richmond, or Sunset. Oh, I get it, they get to spend an hour at the Latin place (with everyone else) and an hour at their fusion place. Stephen, such a kabob up the ass, goes on about how he's used to four-star dining, not food-cart dining. You're missing out, dude. Seriously. Dave and Tiffani confab. They want to "stay the hell away from burritos." Remember that. They shop. Dave was worried about Tiffani being such a controlling bitch. (Bitch is my addition.) Miguel and Andrea tool across the Bay Bridge and talk about their burrito. Sounds like they're using a lot of lentils. Miguel says that Andrea's got the ideas and he's just going to implement them. Harold and Lisa shop. Lisa tells us that Harold doesn't bring any "drama" to the task. They look at toro (delicious fatty tuna).
At the Latin grocery, teams grab stuff, and Miguel speaks Spanish to the people behind the counter. Stephen has a hard time communicating. Awesome. Every time I see Stephen in a chef's coat, I have this urge to get my Albuterol refilled.
Back at the house, the cheftestants play. They drink. Miguel and Dave face off for a taste-off. It's all junk food. It's all good. They have five minutes to identify twenty snacks. I love it. I LOVE IT! They get Whoppers, pork and beans, Lucky Charms, KC Masterpiece BBQ Sauce, cold pizza, chocolate donut, Hidden Valley Ranch dressing (beauty shot of the bottle), and Doritos. The other cheftestants nearly wet their pants -- even Stephen! -- with the hilarity of it all. Lee Anne announces that Miguel, a.k.a. Chunk Le Funk, is the winner of their Fat-Ass Snackmaster Challenge. Miguel asks Dave to share the honors with him, and they both hold a can of pork and beans aloft. "For all the fat people across America -- you too can be a Grand Master of the snacks!" Miguel chortles.
day. The cheftestants prep. Lee Anne and Stephen are making a Char Siu Pork and Pickled Asian Slaw (the Chinese) served with Avocado Cream in a Sope (cornmeal) Tart Shell (the Latin). They have to provide food for over two hours straight, so they made eighty portions. They're also making a virgin mojito with lychee juice. Not original, but fabulously tasty. Harold and Lisa are doing Seared Tuna with Daikon (Japanese radish) Sprouts (Japanese) and a Jicama and Avocado Salad (Latin). Harold nicely gives Lisa tips on not overchopping (and therefore blackening) her herbs. Dave and Tiffani are doing a Curry Pork with Stone Fruit Chutney (Moroccan) with Flour Gorditas, Pickled Carrots, and Red Onion (Latin). Dave explains they're doing a take on the Cubano sandwich. For Moroccan-Latino, I definitely would have done some sort of take on a classic basteeya. You'd keep the powdered sugar and cinnamon-dusted phyllo pie, but you'd fill it with minced chile-lime chicken. Plus, wrapped up on that flaky phyllo crust would make it perfect street food. Tiffani tells us that Dave has a tendency to freak out. Really? Miguel and Andrea are doing a burrito composed of Masala Chicken and Spiced Lentils (Indian) and a Flour Tortilla and Spanish Rice. Sounds good. Sounds easy. But somehow their rice gets all fucked up. It's boiling and then it's hard and Colicchio comes in to make superior faces when he tastes it. Colicchio reminds us that if Andrea fucks up, Miguel is the ousted one because of Andrea's immunity. Colicchio sort of questions Harold and Lisa's rare tuna choice as a street food. Yeah, you gotta be careful of compromised immune systems. We specifically see Lisa bagging some jicama salad. Colicchio's happy with Dave-Tiffani and Stephen-Lee Anne. At one point Bravo captions Lisa asking Harold, "You got the jicama?" Lisa tells us that as time ran out, she and Harold felt cocky because they were all done and everything went off without a hitch. Hello, hubris, my old friend.
The street. The Mission. Stephen is STILL DRESSED IN A SUIT A DARK SUIT OH MY GOD THE GUY IS SUCH A FREAKIN' IDIOT! The cheftestants interview that the Mission has a lot of Latin people. This surprised Harold. He though there would be Japanese people as well. Harold, if you were in Japantown, there would be, you know, Japanese people. But in the Mission? Not so much, hon. Stephen half-heartedly tries to move a garbage can that is sort of on their turf. It's bolted down. Stephen and his black suit can't move it. Harold and Lisa realize they don't have their jicama salad. D'oh! They have no jicama today!Andrea and Miguel seem to be doing well. Miguel also serves patrons a tamarind punch. He speaks Spanish and tells us that he's going to use "every accessibility" to these people that he could. Aw, he's cute. Tiffani and Dave also seem to be doing well. They have a sign that reads: "Free! Gratis! Sheeba's Cubanos Latin + Moroccan Together As They Should Be!" SHEEBA? Isn't that Pakistani? Or Ethiopian? Or even Yemenese? They're all positioned by one of the Mission BART stops. Perfect place to catch the munchie-riddled stoners. I really want to yank Tiffani's French braids clean out of her head. Lee Anne and Stephen scream out. Stephen tries to approach people who are understandably scared away by his undertaker's suit. He tells us that he really thought his bright orange tie and pink, purple, and orange striped shirt would win them over. And I am so not making that up. According to him, people started calling him the Mayor of the Mission. Well, your hair is as stiff as Gavin Newsom's. Lee Anne tells Stephen, "You gotta sell it!" and tells us that Stephen's been living in his white bread world. Lisa says that she and Harold went along with what they had -- the seared tuna, tomato, avocado, daikon sprouts, and tamarind vinaigrette -- as though they never meant to have the jicama in the first place. Harold's dishing their salad up in bowls. Lisa realizes that seared tuna in the Mission District may not have been the best choice.
The judges arrive. Colicchio tells Stephen he is probably the best-dressed man in the Mission. Except for the pimps. Stephen tells us they wanted to put "class" into street food. But that's the whole point of street food! It's not supposed to be classy! It's walking down the street, sitting on a bench, making a mess food. It's like trying haute up State Fair food! Not the point. Lee Anne thinks the judges liked their food. Over at Andrea and Miguel's stand, Gail complains, "I'm holding too many things at this point." Colicchio thinks the rice is bland. The judges like Dave and Tiffani's food. Over at Lisa and Harold's place, Lisa doesnât think they should even admit they were going to use jicama, but Harold tells her to "be who [she is]." "All right," Lisa says, "I'll own it!" Yeah, you'll "own it" right off the show. Colicchio remembers that they were supposed to have jicama, and asks who forgot it. Harold quickly says that it was both of their faults. Gail opines that the jicama would have made all the difference in the dish. Whatever.
At the Judges' Table, Chef Yakura says he was really pleasantly surprised by all the dishes the cheftestants pulled off. Colicchio thinks it's going to be hard to pick a winner and a loser. When asked about Miguel and Andrea, Yakura says he was disappointed. Wait, didn't he just say that he was pleasantly surprised by all the dishes? Eh. General judge talk, which will be repeated. Stephen-Lee Anne and Tiffani-Dave are called in. Somewhere along the way, Andrea has acquired and slapped a bindi on her forehead. Colicchio, Gail, and Yakura give both teams major props for their dishes. Dave-Tiffani are the winners of the challenge. Katie Leebot stilts that they loved their "Queen of Sheeba Cubanos."The other four cheftestants are called in to be called out. Colicchio hammers the jicama mistake into the ground and wants to blame it on Lisa. He wonders if their food was really street food. Harold thinks so: "I'm a strong believer in going with the best available products and the toro was gorgeous." Gail adds, "But we wanted this to be something that we could translate into something that would really work in the community." Yakura thinks that Harold and Lisa's dish was "totally forgettable." He adds, "You know, we've being doing seared tuna with avocado for quite a while here on the West Coast, so there's nothing that special about that. Unimpressive." Colicchio asks who of them would go home if they lose. Harold is silent. "Me," Lisa smiles, "I've already been at this table three times and I'm the only non-professional at this point." Harold jumps in and tells her that she is a professional and shouldn't sell herself short. Lisa amends that she's not classically trained. Harold insists that it doesn't matter. Aw, he's so sweet. "If I'm in L.A., I'd be very happy to eat at your house -- how's that?" Colicchio asks. Lisa says she'd love that. Well, Colicchio -- you're in L.A. season. We going to see you eating at Lisa's house?
Colicchio doesn't like that both teams' dishes used forks. They just weren't portable. "It's a fucking burrito," Yakura tells Andrea and Miguel, "I mean, you just push shit inside of it and you roll it up!" He seems to be condemning them for not going the burrito route. At some point Miguel and Andrea called their dish a deconstructed burrito, and the shots they're showing us definitely make it look like an open-face burrito. Gail says that if they had just rolled the burrito up, she could have walked down the street with it in one hand and the drink in the other and been on her way. Miguel says that Andrea left it up to the patrons as to whether they wanted to wrap it themselves or eat it with a fork. It was then Andrea felt the stranger kick her right between the eyes. Andrea understands that the competition means everything to him. Colicchio doesn't understand why Miguel would put all his faith in someone who has immunity and can't be ousted no matter what. Miguel announces that he did most of the cooking. Colicchio tells him the rice was bland. Miguel says Andrea was going for an "organic, clean taste" and that's why she wanted to use brown rice. Andrea pipes up that if she did anything to compromise Miguel, she'd like to give him her immunity because she's in a different "ballfield."
The Judges deliberate. Yakura thinks that it was "arrogant" for Harold and Lisa to take seared tuna into the Mission. "Harold did not listen to what was asked of him to do today which was to cook street food for a community that would take to it and what would they want," Gail insists. Colicchio and Yakura don't think that Lisa is putting herself forward enough. Again, they are not very impressed with Miguel and Andrea's deconstructed burrito.Harold, Lisa, and Miguel are brought back in for some more tearing down. Andrea is safe. Lisa is asked to pack her knives and cut out. Harold looks down. Harold? Get a shave. Lisa thanks them for the experience and tells Colicchio he better come to her place for dinner. Then Lisa says her goodbyes to everyone. Of course, Dave has nice things to say about her. Tiffani tells us, "I was waiting for the big twist. I'm not saying Harold should have gone home but he could have for putting them in that situation." Yeah, you'd have liked that, wouldn't you? Dave wipes his eyes. Oh, Dave. Lisa leaves. Harold starts swearing that it "fucking hurts" and he's "fucking angry" that his partner went home. He tells us that he feels highly responsible and guilty for the outcome: "I would have felt far more comfortable if I was sent home." He's just so nice. Miguel tells them the game is just going to get harder. Lisa tells us that she's proven to herself what she came there to prove, and she is richer for it. But not one hundred thousand dollars richer.
time: Ted Allen!