Ah, the reunion show. Bot drones, "Grab your apron, this might get messy." Grab a beer, she might get annoying. ["... 'Might'?" -- Sars]
As the contestants arrive, we get a lot of clips of stuff we've already seen. Remember Cynthia? She was the crazy rice lady who left precipitously to tend to her dying father. Ken, ousted for mouthing off to Hubert Keller and sticking his finger in places it doesn't belong, gives her a hug, which prompts Cynthia, who first tells him he really doesn't need to do that, to comment, "Ooh, you smell the same." I wonder if that's good or bad. I'm thinking bad. Brian, of the sexy and succulent fame, arrives for an "adult beverage." Candice, who left saying she finally could be okay with referring to herself in the third person, arrives. we got a screaming Lisa and Andrea, and a dapper Miguel, who fixes his tie in the car window. Stephen quietly joins the group wearing a tee-shirt and jeans, and someone screams, "Oh, my god -- where's the suit?" Hee. Stephen announces that contrary to popular belief, he does not wear a suit in the shower. Well, that's one nightmare cured. Finally, Lee Anne arrives and all the chefs clink Champagne glasses. Looks like the three finalists are already there as well. Bot comes in to kill their fun, and invites them to follow her for the bloodbath.
Colicchio gets right to it and asks if appearing on the show has cooked up wonders for their various careers. For Brian "Banana Ass" Hill, it has. He's been asked to do more events and stuff. Apparently, Howard Stern called Ken and had him on his show. And we all know how careful Howard Stern is about what he sticks in his mouth. Cynthia wants to know if Howard asked him which chicks on the show were sexy. Colicchio jokingly announces that Howard said, "The bald guy was sexy." "The bald guy is sexy," Gail announces, and reports that Colicchio did indeed win the Bravo.com poll for sexiest chef on the show.
question Colicchio has is if any of them have checked out the Bravo message boards. Miguel has read them, and says that both Dave and Harold are regarded as "heroes," but he was liked only up until the point when he called Tiffani a snake. In the studio, Tiffani hisses at him. I don't agree with the Bravo boards' assessment. I didn't like how Miguel tried to blame Andrea for their collective failures, but he actually went up in my estimation when he confronted and hissed at Tiffani. It was one of my favoritest moments in the whole show. Colicchio asks how many eyes Miguel has. He has three, remember? Two in front and one behind him, watching his back. "Actually, there's four but the fourth one we don't talk about -- it only sees you at night," Miguel adds. Oh, I so didn't need to think about Miguel's penis at night. Or at any other time of day, actually. Bot wants to know what it's like watching themselves on television. I want to turn the question around on her -- Bot, watching yourself on the show, is it apparent to you that the only difference between you and Data is that Data has an emotion chip? Andrea gives herself props for being the only reality show contestant to be sent home twice, "and I think it's because I was so big on 'elimination' that they had to eliminate me twice." I have nothing to add to that except, flush!
Bot reminds everyone that Ken was the first to be sent home, and we get a video reminder of his ridiculous behavior. In the studio, Ken has no regrets because he hasn't found that a man ain't just being macho. On the subject of fingering, Lisa thinks it should never be done in the kitchen. She aims to cook clean and act clean However, as a restaurant chef Harold thinks it was bullshit for Ken to be taken to task over it, and challenges the chefs in the room to admit that they've stuck and licked multiple times. Cynthia gives Harold a big kiss, bellowing, "Thank you!" There's a lot of unintelligible screaming until Colicchio makes the point that it was Hubert Keller's kitchen and Hubert Keller didn't want it, therefore no stickie in the saucie! Miguel adds, "You don't put your feet on someone's end table if you do it at home." Some of my friends do. Lee Anne adds that she thinks Ken was sent home that first episode for reasons other than the decision that his dish was the worst, and reminds of them of Andrea's sandy kale. Ken announces, "This has got to do with food and what's on the plate. You and you and you accept the plate with sand on it. FUCKING SAND!" Gail or the Bot tries to interrupt, and Ken screams, "DORK! MORK!" Okay, so Lee Anne? Those other reasons Ken was sent home? Maybe it's because he's crazier than Vincent Libretti's laundry? He goes on to call the judges a "sad lad." They never should have given him Champagne if he has this thing for rhyming. Colicchio gets mad and reminds us that Candice was also at the Judges' Table that night because her chicken was overcooked, Andrea was there because of the sand, and Ken's dish had overcooked mushy mushrooms, overcooked fish, and his fig gastrique "was a mess." Ken loudly challenges Colicchio to a hypothetical: if he had to send one dish out at Craft, would it be Andrea's sand or Ken's fish? Colicchio doesn't like hypotheticals but finally says, "Neither." This pleases Ken for some reason. Now Stephen needs to get into it. He stands up and yells, "What would you rather eat, sand or shit?" implying that Ken's fingering the food would have resulted in the latter. The cheftestants cheer. I've never seen a bunch of people so excited at the prospect of eating sand.
question comes from the Bot. She wants to know if they have any regrets. Miguel laughs about the salt and sugar screw-up. Bot leads them with, "So there was one chef who really seemed to think they were a cut above the rest. I think we all know what I'm talking about." Stephen looks down with a half-smile. We watch a series of clips of Stephen being very pleased with himself and very fishhookable. Stephen admits that watching himself has been a big learning experience for him. Lisa wants to know if he thinks he's arrogant. Stephen shrugs that he thinks there may have been a misperception. Harold steps in: "I think I can speak for a lot of people here that Stephen definitely has an alter ego. He knows it, and you can ask him. So, he doesn't come across good on camera a lot of times, but he's a really special dude." Stephen sits there quietly thinking to himself, "TEAM COOL!" Gail brings up Stephen's need to educate. Stephen says because he himself has been treated to so much education, he wants to give some back. Yeah, but give back to a willing audience, buddy. Also, give back in a way that doesn't condescend.
After the commercial break, Bot wants to know how things have been for Dave throughout out the process: "I imagine a bit of an emotional rollercoaster." Dave rolls his eyes over his obvious emotional excesses and says he doesn't cry at work, you can ask anyone who works with him. Bot directs them to some clips of Dave being stressed, whirling, emotional, and repeating "mirepoix" over and over again. After the clips, Colicchio tosses Dave a box of tissues, just in case. I'd have thrown it right back at his shiny bald head. Dave explains that he's just very passionate about what he does and he might have a different view of things than other people. This is where Tiffani has to open her big fat mouth to begin the first in a series of interruptions. She doesn't think Dave's view is so different from anyone else's there. Dude, you're such a bitch; let him explain himself! And also, existentially, his view IS different from everyone else's, because no one can feel what he's feeling or experiencing or bringing to it unless s/he is actually DAVE! On a superficial note, Dave left the high-tech world to do food, and that already is very different from every other cheftestant there, so SHUT UP, TIFFANI! Dave retorts, "Why do you wanna take my thing right now?" Tiffani makes this face that's all, "I'm so comically perplexed by you, you silly little man." SMACK! Dave goes on, "We're talking about me for one sec, just let it go, we're not talking about you! So, let me have the limelight for one second!" ["Fucking drama queen." -- Joe R] There's a smattering of applause from the other cheftestants. Dave goes on that he takes it personal because it is personal and Tiffani is always interrupting him. "I don't interrupt any of these chefs because I respect --" "Really?" Tiffani interrupts. Dave turns to directly face Tiffani and asks what chef he's ever interrupted: "I respect them all, Tiffani. Everyone, I have respect --" "I respect you, Dave," Tiffani interrupts. Then why the FUCK are you interrupting him?! Oh, this whole thing just drives me insane! Dave yells at her to stop interrupting his segment: "SHUT IT!"
Colicchio tries to regain control of the conversation, but Dave is still really upset that he can't say anything without Tiffani shutting him down. Colicchio wants to ask Tiffani something. "What's up, chef?" she asks brightly. Hate. Does she think Dave should be in the final three? "Of course not," Dave says bitterly. "Yeah, I think Dave should totally be there," Tiffani says calmly. Ken laughs that Tiffani's a "shitty little liar" and throws an empty water bottle at her before dissolving into weird cackling laughter and unintelligible Irish brogue. I didn't know soccer hooligans could also be chefs. After Colicchio asks if Dave feels that he has more to prove because he came to the kitchen later in life; Dave says something about needing to validate himself and yes, the ten thousand dollars would be great, but "It's not about that, it's about... people." And he's starting to lose it. I have this fantasy that every time I commit a culinary crime, like separating my sauce, burning steaks, or using too much salt, Dave the Crying Chef is going to come by and make me feel very bad about what I did. Dave regains control and says, "Crying Chef is not coming." Miguel announces that he's certainly gone home and cried after tough kitchens. Cynthia also goes off about how no other art form touches all the senses, so it's a very emotional art form.
Bot comments that they've all proved that they have a way with words and introduces another clip show: "Here's a tribute to our favorite lines from Top Chef." We get Ken saying you flip plates if "they" say your food is crap, Dave's famous bitch line, and Miguel hissing. we get Brian's "sexy and succulent," and see clips of him admiring Candice's ass and telling her "you've got a beautiful ass, hands down, looks good." In the studio, Candice is laughing incredulously. We get a several shots of Harold shrugging, "I'm a cook." Porn music cues up to illustrate Dave irritably saying that Harold and Stephen should just go make out because of their comments about his "magical lasagna." After that quote, we get clips of Stephen reclined on a bed lazily watching Harold as Harold pulls a shirt on. It's sort of hysterical, actually. up is several clips of cheftestants and others saying, "It's not Top Sommelier." Bleh. Interesting to note that they say it's "uncredited" when it was clearly Chodorow who coined it. Unless he was force-fed that line by producers... Finally, we end with all the chefs saying over and over, "It is what it is." In the studio, the cheftestants are hysterical. Bot hands over a "I'm Not Your Bitch, Bitch" shirt to Dave, but, true to form, Tiffani jumps up ahead of Dave, SNATCHES THE TEE-SHIRT from the Bot, and tells Katie, "No, I'm putting it on, Katie." Bot rolls her eyes back to look at her fellow judges. "It's for Dave," Bot repeats. Dave looks incredulous that Tiffani is taking away his t-shirt. He finally wrests it from her clutchy hands and says, "This is me, this is me, yes!" "This is Dave's moment," Bot says. The cheftestants clap. Man, Tiffani is just... man. What a camera-whoring bitch.
Gail has a question for Brian from the Bravo.com website: "Are all chefs naturally competitive?" Boring. The answer, from Brian, is yes. Even at home, chefs want to be the best at what they do. Cynthia doesn't think all chefs are competitive, and we're moving on because reunion shows are bitches to recap. Much like Tiffani. We watch a series of clips of the cheftestants being competitive, including the incident of Lee Anne's oven getting mysteriously turned off. In the studio, Miguel defends himself over the throwing-Andrea-under-the-bus segment. He never intended to do it, but it happened. When asked for her take on what happened, Andrea says she doesn't have one -- she's totally fine with what went down. Miguel blows kisses to her and says he loves her. In another question from the Bravo.com website, someone wants to know who really did turn down Lee Anne's oven. Gail goes on to ask if Tiffani is aware of the fact that there's a conspiracy on the message boards that she was the one going around turning down ovens and burners. Tiffani is aware of the theories and says, "It's definitely interesting. It's drama, but I think we've all experienced working with ovens we've never worked with before." She's slurring a bit. Cynthia thinks that's bullshit and someone else says, "Ovens are ovens, they're the same." Lee Anne doesn't say anything. Cynthia says, "I would never use that excuse." Dave challenges Tiffani to admit she turned down Lee Anne's oven: "Admit your shit." Ken starts laughing hysterically. Tiffani suddenly gets all overcome with emotion and leaves the studio. Over on the side, she's bent over crying and hyperventilating. Gail mildly wonders if someone should help her and adds, "I think she might be sick." Interesting to note that none of the judges rushes to her aid, but maybe they were told to stay in their seats. Someone from production comforts Tiffani. "I don't want to do this," Tiffani sobs, "I don't want to be someone's monkey." The cheftestants mill around their seats as Bot drones, "Looks like we have a few things we need to sort out." And we go to commercials.
After commercials, Tiffani walks back on. "Yay," Ken drawls unenthusiastically. "Thanks! Welcome back to Top Chef!" Tiffani says brightly. Bot asks if she's okay. "I'm GREAT! Thanks!" Tiffani announces. Nice strategy: have a breakdown to avoid talking about the oven conspiracy and then come back on as though you're hopped up on uppers. Bot announces it's now time to talk about Harold, and we watch some clips of Harold. We see Harold being nervous when he has to do front-of-the-house stuff, and we see all the other cheftestants adoring him. We also see Harold taking responsibility for the jicama loss and the cake mix. Gail says several of their viewers want to know if he's single. "I'm not answering that. I'm not answering that," Harold says, shaking his head. "I've gotta ask," Gail flirts. Harold still won't answer. "He's gay," Ken supplies. "Yeah," Harold agrees, "what are you doing later, Ken?" Harold finally says, "I'm not single."
So, how did the cheftestants feel about the challenges? Andrea says some crap about the challenges letting them each shine, but Harold says that the wedding challenge "was just bullshit." You tell 'em, Harold! Colicchio belligerently wants to know what was so hard about it. Harold's at a loss in the face of Colicchio's obtuseness, but finally points out that going to a grocery store to shop for a wedding was ridiculous. Colicchio gives him that. Dave also tries to explain why it was so hard. Finally, Harold brings up the wedding cake, and Tiffani tries to interrupt him. I'm not sure what she was saying, but Harold asks her, "Can I explain my answer? Jesus Christ!" But he never gets the chance, because Bot shows clips of how the cheftestants unwound in their downtime. They drink. Miguel does The Shuffle with Lee Anne while still wearing his crazy wig o' shanter. At some point, Dave's wearing the wig o' shanter and doing some weird dance in the Baker Street that ends with him dropping his drink. Shots of Miguel passed out on the floor, and Stephen carefully making his way upstairs. Hard to tell if he's drunk or just mincing in his usual way. Now we get Andrea pacing in circles around the roof deck talking to herself: "So our food becomes ourselves becomes our blood becomes our organ becomes our mind. Food for thought." All she needs is a black turtleneck and a dive bar. We learn that the cheftestants didn't get much sleep. Duh. Harold says he was "blessed" with professionally snoring roommates. Miguel stands up and tootles himself as someone calls out, "Chunk La Funk!" Cut to clips of Miguel getting his nickname. Lots of shots of him eating, then he tells us that he got the nickname because he's a big guy and he eats a lot. Clips of him farting. Miguel interviews that the nickname says who he is: he's chunky and funky. Tiffani says that Miguel is not the person you want to watch running around the house in tighty-whities. "He's like a blob of a mess of a human being that just doesn't have any manners," Andrea says in an interview. Candice is laughing in an interview about why Miguel has these ten pieces of hair that come down his forehead like Homer Simpson. In the studio, Colicchio is totally cracking up over that. Andrea and Candice both say Miguel has a big heart.
Back in the studio, Bot wonders if Miguel has gotten any babes since he won the sexy food contest. Miguel jokes that Madame S "sold him the dream and left [him] like Vegas -- took the money and ran." Colicchio marvels that Miguel got down on his knees on national television and kissed Madame S's butt. Colicchio asks who came up with the name "Chunk La Funk." "Mine," Tiffani says. Miguel says it was a collaboration. "No, it was mine," Tiffani says again. ["Oh my fucking God, Tiffani, learn to read a room." -- Sars] Miguel had to share a room with Brian, Harold, and Stephen, and Harold starts to go off on Miguel's snoring. Lee Anne announces, "Chunk farted!" Stephen's already covering his face. "Aw, man," Bot says, waving her note cards in front of her face. "Dude!" Colicchio laughs. Bot says, "There will be more opportunities to clear the air when we come back." Blessed commercials.
Bot tells Tiffani that she's the most controversial person there. "Really?" Tiffani says in forced surprise. Bot asks if she thinks it's a fair assessment. Tiffani doesn't, so we go to clips of Tiffani being a bitch. Most of the other cheftestants express active dislike for her, but the most interesting clip we hadn't seen before is of Tiffani telling Harold during the "Restaurant Wars" episode, "We can exist in the same function in the kitchen and you would be called a hard-ass and I would be called a bitch." True, but not just because you were in charge. Harold responds, "Yesterday, the three of us were in the car and you said, 'Sometimes I'm a bitch, but it's not personal.'" Tiffani pauses: "And I can also own the term 'bitch.'" Eh, whatever. The clips end with the one of Tiffani saying she's a nice person, but she didn't come on the show to prove that.
In the studio, the other cheftestants are making scoffing noises. "What issue do you want to address?" Tiffani asks. Cynthia brings up some incident where Tiffani was really bitchy about some mess of Cynthia's: "When you said that to me, I wanted to shoot you." Dave announces, "It's called projection. She is projecting everything that she is doing, which is talking shit, treating people like shit, and being a bitch." So you're a chef and a psychiatrist, Dave? Dave orders Tiffani to own up and admit that she's a bitch. Andrea says she never thought Tiffani was a bitch to her: "I felt that she saw what I was and what I was doing, what I was trying to bring to the table, and she honored it." Brian sneers, "She does whatever it takes -- you have to have a little cushion --" Tiffani interrupts him, and Brian gets pissed. "Can I say this? Can I say this?" Tiffani doesn't shut up. Brian finally gets to say that Tiffani doesn't know when to say when and she doesn't respect others, "but I don't know if she does it for reaction --" "Wow," Tiffani says, INTERRUPTING AGAIN! "Or if she does it to get at you, but it's just wrong no matter which way you cut it," Brian finishes. Bot says there was one particular Tiffani incident that got viewers going, and we go to the clip of Tiffani saying Miguel should go home and then denying it to him later. We even get an extended look in the clip in which Tiffani says condescendingly, "I understand your anger and your hurt, so I'll forgive the question." Well, that's mighty big of you. Mighty big and mighty convenient, you lying little snakebitch.
Back in the studio, Gail says that a viewer wants to know why Tiffani lied to Miguel. Tiffani shrugs, "I don't know -- I don't think I lied or denied it in any way." Dude, we JUST SAW THE CLIP! Tiffani goes on that a lot of people have come up to her and told her she was misrepresented. Well, of course, because people on the street who don't even know you are excellent judges of your character. Dave demands, "Did you say it or did you not? That's the question, you lied! Period. Let's end it. Admit your shit. Just admit your guilt." I think that's the second time Dave has said, "Admit your shit." I don't think you're going to get that on a t-shirt, Dave. Tiffani won't respond. Miguel is asked how he feels about it all, and Miguel says that the clip pretty much said it all. Tiffani keeps insisting that she told him the truth when they got downstairs. Dave is muttering something, and Tiffani calls him out for wanting everyone else to shut up when he's talking, yet there he is muttering. "Fuck you!" Dave says. "I'm tired of being nice to people I don't like." Someone cackles, I think it's Cynthia. Bot says that Tiffani wins for most confrontations between other cheftestants, but she was not involved in the longest fight on the show. Candice smiles tightly. We watch the clip of the Tool and Douchebag fight. Time elapses to ten minutes, and we get new footage of Candice imitating Stephen's way of talking. The fight lasted thirty-seven minutes. I know some people think that Candice was rude for imitating Stephen's voice, but I think he still comes out looking like more of a dick in that fight than she does.
Back in the studio, Colicchio asks Stephen how he feels now. Stephen immediately owns up to the cookie-cutters being appropriate for the kids and freely admits he was stuck in his whole "educate the public" mindset. Candice also adds that it was a different situation and she took it personally, and she knows it is just the beginning of what she would have to face in a real kitchen. "Candice, you don't need to grow from that at all," Stephen says, looking at her, "you were completely right! It was fine! When I watched you with the tears in your eyes? That's not cool. I do not mean to make anyone feel like that -- cookie-cutters with kids? Of course! That is completely legit." Meanwhile, Ken is cackling again. Ken? Leave a tender moment alone. Stephen stands up to yell, "Dude, stop laughing!" Ken asks if Stephen has a problem with him. Stephen does have a problem with him. Ken gets off his chair and they start to get into it. Ken comes around toward Stephen, and the judges get off their chairs, annoyed. Colicchio and Miguel block off Ken, and Harold calms Stephen down. Lee Anne just sits there, shaking her head. She is so gorgeous. Stephen tells Ken that he's a joke and orders him not to laugh. Isn't that sort of contradictory to what might be the life's ambition of a joke? I'm kidding -- Stephen's in the right here, and Ken's a jackass. I mean, it stands to reason that Ken feels the need to draw attention to himself in this reunion special because he was ousted in the first ep and none of these clips have anything to do with him.
Ken and Stephen keep calling each other names. The judges try to shut Ken up, but he starts yelling stuff about Stephen's tee-shirt. I don't know. Anyway, Stephen faces Candice and says, "I just want to express my deepest apologies to you, it -- it was in the heat of competition and I did not mean anyway to disrespect you. When I was in culinary school, I don't think I would have had the you-know-what to come into this competition and just rise above everybody, and you did awesome, you lasted beyond this guy --" Stephen indicates Ken, who drunkenly and sarcastically agrees, "You sure did." "Candice, props to you," Stephen finishes, "all from here -- everybody!" The cheftestants clap. Candice is touched and she hugs and kisses Stephen. Aw, Stephen don't go changing to try and please us. We hate you just the way you are!
After commercials, Bot excuses Harold, Lee Anne, and Tiffani and wishes them luck. Once they're gone, the judges want to know if the ousted cheftestants agree that they have the correct final three going to the finals. No, Andrea wanted Lee Anne. "Instead of who?" Gail asks. "Tiffani," Candice answers. Colicchio asks if there's anyone there who thinks Tiffani will win. Ken thinks Tiffani is a good cook and remembers that her pumpkin dish was his favorite. Cynthia wouldn't hire Tiffani in her own kitchen. Lee Anne says that Tiffani is a smart cookie and her dishes are creative and innovative. I think Stephen's totally drunk. He's holding an empty bottle of Sofia Blanc de Blanc and seems to be struggling to sit up. Lisa goes off on how Tiffani treats people, but Gail says it's not a popularity contest and brings up Harold. "It's not a popularity contest," Miguel agrees, "but it's about being consistent, it's about being two words: top chef." Which, as many people who work in a professional kitchen would agree, is about how you treat people. If you're mean to people in your kitchen, if you talk down to them, if you let your hard-boiled ego get in the way, you are not a leader and you will not get good solid work for them. Ruling by fear, insults, and intimidation is no longer acceptable in the kitchens in the best restaurants across the country. Tiffani may be a kick-ass chef, and I do believe that she is, but she is not a leader. She is not someone who will inspire respect, dedication, and admiration in anyone who is unfortunate enough to work under her. She is not a top chef.
Lisa hopes Dave will win because he's humble. Do I see Dave as a leader? No, I think I would be freaked if my chef acted the way he does under pressure. I know he says he's never cried at work, but he still might be a ball of freakish, nervous energy and that is exhausting to work with. At Bot's suggestion, Stephen agrees that Dave is the underdog: "Harold and Tiffani appeal to fine dining, but fine dining only represents only thirteen percent, so you take the other seventy-seven percent and that's what Dave is appealing to." I'm thinking he recently dug up that number after he was kicked off the show. Andrea doesn't think Dave acts well under pressure. Candice is torn, because she thinks Harold and Dave's cooking is very different and she's looking forward to seeing how it all plays out. Bot thanks them all for being there and for what they all did for the show.