Why didnt they just name it "The Time Jennifer Love Hewitts Ego Got So Big It Made The Twenty-Pound Turkey Look Like Barbies Left Nostril"? I. Just. Cant. Deal. Im warning you all, gentle readers, I am in a very foul mood after having to watch this, so this is not going to be pretty. A further warning: Jennifer Love Hewitt is in every single scene.
There was definite foreshadowing that the show was going to be even more awful than all the other episodes put together when Sarahs giggle was back doing the opening voice-over. She starts off by saying, "Heres what you need to know: these are the men in my life." She lists Spencer, Maguire, and Tony and their various reasons for loving her and getting involved with her. Need I go on? But I must go on, because what she says about Scraggle is pathetic: "And of course theres Maguire, whos definitely interested and wants to help me any way he can." Of course theres the kicker at the end of the intro: "To think, Ive only been here a month!" I cannot believe that the script has been written this way, unless the writers were aiming at alienating the entire female population. ["Female? Try just the entire population." -- Sars]
The show opens with Sarah darting across a traffic-clogged street wearing a woolly slouch hat and very little else. She stops in front of a homeless guy, who is gesturing with his arms, and she offers him money. He declines, saying, "No, no, no charity." Sarah apologizes, saying that she didnt want to offend him. The homeless stranger tells her that hes been waiting for her, because he could hear her coming "a long way off," and then he comments that "its a cold day today," with which Sarah agrees, "Yeah, God, really cold." Now this I find rather singular, because she is wearing a scarf, a hat, and a leather jacket which she has left wide open to expose her tightly-bound dinners in a thin tee-shirt. Yeah, Sarah, its "really cold" when you wear such scanty clothing. The homeless guy makes a comment about sound traveling slower in cold weather and then explains the physics behind it. Sarah asks the guy if he has a place to go when its cold, and he tells her that he goes where hes needed. Sarah is a bit thick and doesnt understand this. The homeless guy explains, "Its the music. Everybody has music. Everything a vibration, a tone. You have a very pure, very strong music." I think I am going to be violently and noisily ill. Sarah tells the Music Man that she is about to go into a restaurant for a hamburger and asks if he wants one. He tells her, "No pickles." She does The Giggle and says, "No pickles." Music Man continues his arm-waving after her, which now looks like conducting.
The Time They All Came Over For Thanksgiving
In the scene we see Sarah arriving late to work, so at first I wasnt sure if she actually got Music Man a hamburger or if she high-tailed it to the bar. She apologizes to her boss, saying, "I ran into this homeless guy and I got . . ." Her boss, being a male and having full view of her dinners, gets concerned and asks if she is okay. Sarah explains that nothing happened and then displays her truly sheltered and privileged background by asking, "God, where do those people come from? You know? One day theyre just, I dont know, there." Suddenly, Spencer appears on the scene and tells her to be nice to him because he just had the worst week, spending five days on "the island" marrying off his father to "a woman who I could be dating: Ashley." Poor little rich boy. Sarah asks what hes doing there, and he tries to smooth things over concerning their last meeting, but Sarahs having none of it. She recaps their night by saying, "We made out in a cab and I took my clothes off in front of you." Spencer says, "And believe me, thats an image I cant get out of my head." Yeah, I dont doubt it. Spencer says its okay that she was using him as a rebound, because she chose him out of all the other guys at the party to use. Sarah gets more upset and close to tears and tells him, "I am going to do the selfish and immature thing and ask you to leave." My, Lord Vader, shes got a lot of eye makeup on in this scene. She tells him to "just go away" one more time, and then she walks away.
Sick-making opening credits. I wish she would fall. Fall down. Fall down hard, from a great height.
Sarah is pounding on Scraggles music-shop door, but theres a lot of construction going on outside, so Scraggle cant hear her. Finally, he sees her and opens the door. She gives him attitude: "Didnt you hear me?" Scraggle, blandly: "Obviously not." Sarah, still giving major attitude: "Ive been knocking for like five minutes." Really, five whole minutes? Somebody call the cops, shes been knocking for five minutes! Maguire explains, needlessly, the excessive construction going on outside and mentions that a sewer line broke. Sarah says, "Good, cause I thought you were hoping Id kind of give up and go away." (Sarah, babe, thats what we all were hoping.) Scraggle says, "Nope. Your paranoia," and continues with his sweeping. He asks Sarah why shes all dressed up, and she tells him that Tonys taking her to sign her contract. "All dressed up?" he asks. For the benefit of the readers who had the sense not to be watching this particular ep, I will describe to you what exactly Sarah has on that makes her "dressed up." Shes wearing nondescript slacks, a gray tee-shirt, a woolly scarf of some sort, and a coat that is open and unbuttoned. Again. Anyway, Sarah asks in wheedling tones if Scraggle is no longer mad at her for the music-career-with-Tony thing. Scraggle tells her she can do what she wants, but hes no longer going to play the part of the pretend boyfriend. The construction noise starts up again outside the store and drowns out whatever explanations Sarah was trying to babble. Scraggle keeps sweeping with his back to her, unable to hear her ravings.
Sarah has found her way to the New York Public Library, where she uses microfiche (Ive always loved that word: "microfiche." It just sounds cool. Say it out loud, youll see what I mean) to locate the picture of Jerry. Sarahs incredulous voice-over to Spencer sums up the article for us: "His name is Jerome Hagan. At twenty-five years old he was the youngest conductor of the Metropolitan Opera Orchestra in its entire history." Sarah conjectures what could make a man go from "standing ovations to living on the street." "Schizophrenia" is her astute suggestion. I think shes seen Shine one too many times. Maybe he just didnt like being a prodigy; you dont have to be schizophrenic to dislike the lifestyle. Spencer is obviously not listening to her, so when Sarah asks what hes thinking about, he launches into a well-thought-out plan to get out of Thanksgiving with his pappy and new step-mom: "We tell them that were going to go visit your folks in Darien for Thanksgiving. Darien, because it sounds more promising to be marrying somebody whose family is from there." Gee, could the writers come up with a more stereotypical rich snob? Sarah is incredulous that Spencer wants to use her as an excuse; Spencer says that he still wants to see her and everything, but he cant stand the thought of spending the holiday with the May-Decembers. Sarah tells him she wont do it -- pretty damn hypocritical of her, considering that she made Scraggle pretend to be her boyfriend to fend off Tonys advances, which she encourages anyway. Sarah tells Spencer that shes not the one he should be complaining to about having a family who loves him and wants him to spend Thanksgiving with them. Spencer says, "I think its disgusting that he married her. Do you have any idea how that makes my mother feel?" The cold and selfish Sarah tells him to call her on Friday and gets up from the table, because shes running late and has to meet Tony. Spencer says, "Tony? Whos Tony?" Sarah, exasperated that Spencer cant keep track of all the adoring men in her life, starts to explain, then stops herself: "You know what? Jealousy is a very unattractive trait in a man." She flounces out, leaving Spencer agape. Holy Ego Trip, Batman! Spencer didnt act jealous, he just asked who Tony was. Get a grip on that self-image, Executive Producer Jennifer Love Hewitt, because its spinning wildly out of control.