Romy gives the voice-over again for this weeks ep, as we revisit the last few weeks of Sarahs relationship with Bailey and her use of Maguire as her shoulder to cry on. I forget, is there anyone else on this show?
Romy has a screen test. She has lied on her rsum that she is a graduate of Yale Drama. The guy asks her if she knew some guy who would have graduated with her, and Romy says, "Yeah, yeah. Great actor. Lousy in bed." Why would you even say that? The guy looks at her and says, "Hes gay!" and Romy says, "That explains it!" That explains what -- why you would mention your bedroom during a screen test? They continue with the test. Why am I not surprised when Romy turns out to be a pathetic actress? She flubs her line, saying "night" instead of "day," and her lips really look huge on the monitor.
New scene, new stupidity. Sarah is looking at the karaoke screen and singing to an empty bar. Its not clear if its before opening hours or if everyone cleared out because of her singing. Romy is at the bar, complaining to Joss about her flubbed screen test: "Night and day, how hard is that?" Joss says what were all thinking: "Let it go, babe!" Well, except for the "babe" part. Joss announces closing time, which makes so much sense since it looks like it is bright daylight outside. Romy asks why Sarah is singing "this song?" Joss explains, "Because turning up the lights doesnt get everybody out. This has worked every time." Is it just me, or is the show actually acknowledging that no one wants to hear Jennifer Love Hewitt wail on a mic? Joss passes among the remaining patrons, yelling at them to get out. Finally, when you think you cant stand it anymore, Romy yells, "Would you stop with the song already!?" Sarah gives her a dirty look and stops. Some guy who has been staring at Sarah since she started her song walks up to the stage and tells her shes got "one fantastic set of pipes." Im glad he said "pipes" -- otherwise we might think he is commenting on the tightness of her baby blue sweater. Sarah thanks him sullenly and tells him she wasnt really trying. (I dont think she should attempt to make excuses about sounding bad when we all know she just sucks at singing.) The guy insists that she is "a natural," and they introduce themselves. His name is Anthony Rizzoli (like the bookstore?). Romy is still at the bar whinging to Joss, and Joss finally picks up a bottle of Absolut and smacks her over the head with it. And then I wake up. Anyhow, Anthony tells Sarah that she is "better than karaoke" and that her voice "transcends." Yeah, Ill say her voice "transcends," it transcends right into my nightmares every night. Romy is turning into a belligerent platypus at the bar, and Joss tells her that "no one makes it overnight." Anthony asks Sarah to sing at his familys club. "Wow, are you serious? That would be, wow!" She cant get a coherent sentence out, but somehow Anthony thinks she can sing. Romy looks at Joss and slurs, "Would you just stab me?" Damn! I hit my nose on the TV trying to fulfill her request, then start reciting my mantra -- "Its only a show, its only a show" -- because for some reason that always calms me down.
Opening credits with way too many clips of Sarahs simpering mug all over the place.
Sarah is in Maguires, a.k.a. Scraggle Rocks, music store, bending his ear, as usual. Scraggle tells her that it all sounds a bit dodgy that some guy walked into the bar and offered her a "gig" based on her karaoke singing. Sarah giggles and says, "Okay, that is the problem with you New Yorkers -- youre just too jaded." You know, just because they dont want Sarah Sunshine shoved up their bums doesnt make them jaded. Besides, when was she so eager to make such a distinction between herself and New Yorkers? Shes been a wanna-be New Yorker since the bloody beginning of the show. Scraggle tells her to be careful. Sarah tells him she will and that shes really excited blah blah and maybe singing is what shes supposed to do blah blah has nothing, so nothing to lose. Except the last shred of respect I had left for this show. No, wait, that disappeared when she stripped last week and left Spencers apartment half-dressed. So, sing away, simp. Sarah pleads with Scraggle to be her backup guitarist, and Scraggle plays his "I was once a rock star, but for some reason I wont divulge, I dont play anymore" card yet again. Sarah continues with more shallow flattery and guilt-inducing pleading: "I wouldnt ask, but this might be unbelievably huge for me . . ." Scraggle gives in. What a jellyfish. Of course, Sarah has on a dinner-accentuating tee-shirt again, so maybe that won the argument.
At J.B.s Clip And Curl job, the Platypus is explaining that she got the part: "See, a good director doesnt care if you screw up a word or two. He said I nailed the character, his exact words. I even saved the message." The head J.B. is washing gasps, "J.B., too cold!" and J.B. apologizes and asks Platypus what the show is. Apparently it is something called "Destiny Harbor," and she plays Nurse Number Two. Platypus starts to explain that she knows its only a "stupid soap," but shes interrupted by J.B.s client, who had just complained that the water was too hot, and who now says, "Destiny Harbor is not a stupid soap. It cant be a stupid soap and stay on television for twenty-six years!" J.B. and Platypus exchange a look above the womans head. Platypus asks J.B. to tape it for her, but he suddenly looks nervous. Some older-looking chick has just walked in the beauty parlor and is headed toward them. "J.B?" Platypus is waiting for an answer to her video tape question. J.B. tells her that hell tape it, answers her other question that he cant have a celebratory dinner with her that night, and hints that he needs to get back to work. "But maybe later in the week, we can do dinner and a wash?" he asks. ("Dinner and a wash"? Is that what the kids are calling it these days?) Platypus agrees and kisses him good-bye. Once Platypus is out of sight, J.B. walks over to greet the older-looking chick with a kiss, who says, "Hey, you." J.B. calls her Joan and tells her, "Youre tan!" Joan explains that she had three weeks with nothing to do (except send J.B. a postcard and buy him a sweater, apparently, because she seems to have done both). Joan shows J.B. the tight aqua sweater she bought him in Madeira. "Wow, this is beautiful, you didnt have to do that," J.B. says. Joan lays the sweater against J.B.s chest: "I know, I know, I just saw it and thought of you." Let me guess -- the third show in two weeks to have the older married woman boinking the younger single guy storyline?
The Time She Got Mobbed
Scraggle and Sarah are walking down the street together, and Sarah is complaining about nerves. Scraggle says, "I thought you said you performed before." "Yeah, at a coffee house in San Francisco -- this is a club in New York!" and then moans something unintelligible about "there goes my eye, if I step in water Im gonna electrocute myself." I played the tape back several times with the closed captioning on and I still couldnt figure out what that was supposed to mean. Scraggle tells her to chill and then points out that they have arrived at the club. Sarah thrusts her sheet music at Scraggle and orders him to "hold this, I cannot go into this place in your parka!" (why not?) and takes off said parka to reveal a low-cut red velvet dress (oh, thats why -- time to display her dinners). "Do I look okay?" she asks a drooling Scraggle, who tells her, natch, that she looks beautiful. She can afford to keep buying slinky dresses to support her singing habit, yet she has to borrow Scraggles parka because in four weeks she still hasnt bought herself a coat? Sarah thanks Scraggle "so much for saying youd do this," kisses him on the cheek, gives The Giggle and says, "Okay, here goes." Scraggle sighs and follows. They approach the "club," which is all lit up with neon signs as some Italian accordion music is playing. Whether the music is coming from the club or is just for the show, we dont know, but Sarah asks, "This is the place?" and Scraggle says, "Now Im nervous." They walk towards it anyway.
J.B. and Joan leave some bar or restaurant together, talking about singles cruises. We see that J.B. is wearing his new tight aqua sweater from Madeira. They have their arms around each other as they walk. Joan says, "Its been almost six months now and my mother thinks you and I are just a phase, so she keeps trying to introduce me to men my own age." What, exactly, has been "almost six months"? J.B. hails a cab and they kiss several times. "I really missed you, you know that?" Joan murmurs. J.B. tells her that hes got to be up early and she says, "Thats okay, so do I. I have an apartment to show on West End Avenue at 8:30." J.B. tells Joan that he has a small-business seminar to go to and he has to "change and shave." Joan lets him off the hook and says, "So, Ill see you tomorrow, around eight?" J.B. agrees and sends her off in the car. Gigolo much?
Sarah is singing at the "club," and Scraggle is sitting behind her strumming. On his guitar, that is. The club seems to be more of a loud restaurant that, thankfully, is doing a good job of drowning out Sarahs sad ballad. Her song comes to an end, and there is no applause, so she stalks off the stage. Scraggle follows. Some older guy gets up with the mic and starts singing "Thats Amore" with an accordion accompaniment, and he sounds suspiciously like Dean Martin. The rest of the restaurant prefers this song to Sarahs, and they start singing along. Suddenly, were in the middle of an Olive Garden commercial! Anthony tells Sarah that she was great, but Sarah complains that he is alone in that opinion. Anthony assures her that "Unless Barbara Streisand came in here and sang People Who Need Italian People, they would talk right through her, too." That "People Who Need People" joke would have been funny if I didnt have to read it on closed captioning to figure out what the hell he was mumbling. Anthony tells Sarah that he made a tape of her song and is going to send it to a record producer friend of his, and then he drags her over to meet his family, who are all sitting at a table peering at her through cigar smoke. "Sarah, I want you to meet: Angelo, Sal, Joey, Richie, Carmen, Slick, Bo-Bo and Mouth. He cant talk anymore." (I think hes referring to Mouth.) After the introduction, they all ignore Sarah -- thank God some men on this show do! -- and go back to their conversations and cigars. ["So much for hospitaliano." -- Sars]
Scraggle and Sarah on the train. Sarah is doing The Giggle again: "I mean, Bo-Bo did not seem like a nice man, and Mouth? What do they mean, he cant talk anymore?" Scraggle tells her that it means she should stay as far away from those guys as possible. Sarah goes on to say that she had never really thought about being a singer before, and then this happened, so maybe this is what shes been looking for -- the reason she moved to New York. What is this, another philosophical breakthrough on the A train? Puh-leese. Sarah giggles again, "I am such a dork." Dude, she said it, not me.
Platypus is fiddling with a vase of flowers: "I ask you, how romantic is J.B.?" Sarah, from her corner says, "Romy, there is no card, how do you know they arent for me?" Platypus says disdainfully, "Because I have a new boyfriend and a new job, and you have an ex-boyfriend and you just bombed in front of the Mob at the Staten Island Clam House." (Wow. I mean, Sarahs not my favorite person in the least, but -- bitch much, Romy?) Anthony Rizzoli is knocking at the door. Ten bucks says those roses are from Anthony and Platypus is going to have to eat her words along with her lipstick. Sarah lets Anthony in after telling Romy she has to stay with her. I just want to make the comment that it is supposed to be November, yet Sarah is lounging about in a strappy tank top as though she were back in California. It was snowing in Felicitys New York. No wonder she cant seem to figure out that she needs her own parka. Sarah covers up her obvious cleavage with a floral shirt while Anthony walks around saying that the security in their building sucks: "Some old lady just let me in. You know what you should do is have a tenants meeting. Youd be surprised how powerful people can be when theyre organized." Anthony remembers his manners and introduces himself to Romy (who introduces herself as "Jill Bennett") and then turns to Sarah, apologizing for tracking her down, "but the short version is I got a sister who works for the phone company." Tony asks Romy to leave them to their business and gives her some money: "Why dont you go buy yourself a coffee or a blouse of some kind." So thats supposed to be either a comment on how much money he gave her, or his opinion of Platypuss fashion sense. Ill take the latter and laugh. Romy leaves gratefully. Sarah tells Tony that she doesnt know if she wants to be a singer. Tony tells her not to let the reaction last night "kill her dreams" and that shes got talent, but if she doesnt believe him, maybe shell believe Mitchell Shane, who produced Blue Emeralds album that went double platinum. Sarah starts in on the simpering and asks if this Mitchell guy actually wants to hear her sing. Tony tells her that Mitchell guy already has, because Tony sent him the tape from her performance at the Clam House and now the guy wants to meet her.