Props to FB-Lucy and to Wigbee for being my sound manager.
Instead of the usual "Previously on Blah-Blah Show," we are treated to an opening voice-over from that adorable Princess, Sarah Merrin. A chipper "heres what you need to know" is followed by a recap of the basic whos, whats, whys and wheres of the current situation. "But I did meet a guy named Maguire, who seems to care a lot about what happens to me." Well, thats nice, because the rest of us dont.
The Three Stooges -- Romy, Sarah, and Maguire -- are struggling to carry an old, lumpy, blue mattress of Maguires up the stairs. When Romy comments on the stench of the futon, Maguire explains, "Aftershave accident. Gift from an old girlfriend with not-good taste." Sarah says she can get used to the smell. Good, because we were worried -- instead of being The Princess and the Pea, she could have been The Princess and the Polo Cologne. Some mild flirtation occurs when Sarah decides to slacken on her share of the load so she can turn to Maguire-Scraggle-Rock and say, "By the way, did I say thank you?" Im thinking a good way of saying thanks would be to get the very heavy mattress into the apartment pronto instead of dilly-dallying in the hall, but Scraggle-Rock says, "I need the space." I guess he is easily pleased.
Maguire drops the mattress inside the apartment, which seems to have undergone reconstruction since last week from a studio to a multi-room format. With Stooge-esque timing, the apartment door flies open, smacking Maguire and sending him into the corner. I think that was supposed to be funny. Enter Boob-Flashing Landlady, Cecilia, who reads them the riot act about the rent being due. As Maguire slips out the door, Romy and Sarah babble out a line of crap about checks bouncing, the bank holding it, and "features versus television." They seem to have confused Boob-Flasher with Mr. Roper, and they are trying to explain why Jack was in bed with a woman. Boob-Flasher-Roper isnt buying it, saying, "What, you think Im . . . challenged?" and gives them until Friday, and then she will call "Lutz," who I am assuming is the owner. Princess Sarah stutters a bit, but Boob-Flasher interrupts, "I just went deaf." Romy tells Princess that she has to come up with her half of the rent (not an unheard-of idea in my book), but Princess gives her attitude about only having $300 (last time we checked, the rent was $300, so her half would be, um, $150?). Princess wont ask Bailey for the money, because then she would actually have to be honest with him and tell him she isnt coming home.
Opening credits, Beatles song, scenes of New York and shots of last weeks episode.
The Time She Got Her Shih-Tzu Together
Maguire enters a dark apartment, leans over the sleeping body of Joss, and turns on the light. Joss comments sleepily that she must have fallen asleep and then says how cold it is, which, call me crazy, may be due to the fact that she is wearing a skimpy tank top and is only half under the covers. Confused yet? Joss explains that she went to the store to get toothpaste and saw a hot guy in the check-out line, which made her think of the "sexual wasteland that is [her] life" so she went back to buy condoms and snuck into Maguires bed: "So you up for it?" Ha! Ha! Penis reference. Maguire rubs his shoulders (carrying that mattress was hard work) and asks for a rain check. They cuddle instead because Joss is "still cold." Awww, cute. We take from this scene the idea that Maguire and Joss seem to have some sort of arrangement where they sleep together, and there is "no pressure." Yeah, I see this working out. Not.
Princess pays a visit to Mr. T (a.k.a. her un-father) and tells him that she is going to pay him back for the money he spent to get her out of the clink. Kind of an unreasonable idea, considering that Im fairly sure Mr. Ts attorney isnt a card-carrying member of 1-800-LAWYERS. When the Princess tells Mr. T of her decision to stay in New York, live in her mothers apartment, and work as a waitress across the street, Mr.T. is shocked that she is working "in that dive." He tells her of a job for a "Girl Friday" with Georgia Halloway and presumably is going to set up a meeting. Gee willikers, Sarah is lucky to have a Fairy Godfather-cum-Theatre Impresario like Mr. T to look out for her best interests. For someone who isnt her father, hes acting suspiciously paternal.
A kimono-clad Romy is keeping herself so busy by futzing with her steam-rolled hair that she almost turns away J.B., who has decided to take her up on her offer of "dropping by," from her door. Realizing exactly who is waiting on the other side, Romy twists her hair up into a towel and answers the door, flirt-smile in place faster than you can groan. Oh, big fat bummer (tm Rachel Green), she cant have coffee because shes got this audition and she has "just totally screwed up" her hair. Ignoring her weak protests, J.B. expertly snaps off the towel to reveal Romys hair, which has looked fairly flat and unremarkable in other shots but is now suspiciously thick, full, and in her face. Wig out much? J.B. smiles (and in doing so, looks strangely like Tom Cruise) and asks, "What the hell did you do?" to which Romy replies, "I was going for a Myrna Loy thing." Thankfully, J.B. decides to take Romys head and shove it under a faucet. Behind a sheer curtain with bluish and shadowed lighting, Romy chortles, "You are a man who knows what hes doing," as Mr. Wash and Curl rinses her hair, utilizing a sink-spray-hose set-up that closely resembles a hair salons. "Thirty shampoos a day, you learn what people respond to," replies Mr. Wash and Curl. Cue bamp-chicka-bamp-bamp music and steam. Romy manages to groan, whimper, and do some heavy breathing all at the same time while stretching her suddenly bare arms toward Mr. WnC. "Oh, keep doing that," she sighs.
Sarah has arrived somewhere in the vicinity of East 89th Street for the newest career move that her non-father, Mr. T, arranged. Male voice (whining ever so slightly): "Mom, if you have a heart attack because I dont want to go to some stupid fund-raiser, then Im sorry, thats a comment on you." Georgia Halloways strong and long-suffering voice: "Spencer, you are on the board, for Gods sake." Sarah hears these sounds of familial harmony and tentatively walks into an expensively decorated living room (sitting room? morning room? drawing room?-- I forgot my compass).
For her interview, we see that Sarah has decided to go a little more professional with a-not-so-tight-sweater but oh-so-tight-pants. Sarah plays a little dodging game of you-go-this-way-no-Ill-go-that-way with Spencer "Richie Rich" Halloway, which halts when Richie Rich commands, "Dont move," and bustles off to his important life, for which he is already late. I would have shoved her. Georgia Halloway, resplendent in a woolly pink plaid suit, hires Sarah on the spot. "There is no interview, dear. If Archer likes you, I like you," Georgia gushes before introducing Sarah to her new charges: "Petkins, come meet your new Nanny." Sarah stutter-giggles slightly as four -- wait, five white Pomeranians (thank you, Sars) scuttle around her. Georgia counts off, "Bamboo, Carlyle, Puddlebee, Miss Roo, and the aloof one is Maximilian. Doggy Prozac, you know." Can we just hit pause for a second? I have no problem with Georgia calling her Pom-Pom dogs "Petkins" or any other ridiculous names, because I have been known to be pretty disgusting when talking to my own two kitten-poopies, but I do object to putting unconsenting animals on mood-altering drugs! Oh, and is anyone else hoping that Puddlebee will live up to his name and make a lovely mess on Princess Sarahs shoes? Before Princess can say "pooper-scooper," Georgia tells her to leash up the dogs, because she has to rush off to "urgent business at Bergdorfs." Princess: "Do you, like, own Bergdorfs or something?" Sheesh! Sarahs tactfulness is smoother than talc across a babys butt. Not. Georgia, not even batting an eye, says grinning, "No, dear. I shop there."