By Omar G
Jimmy got his own episode? Jimmy the firefighter? Seriously? (Sigh...) Fine. Great. I'm there.
First Johnnie Cochran charges me $26,342 for the hour he spent at my duplex last week explaining Doc's episode, now this. You know, I hear the Almighty has a great sense of humor, but God: I don't get it. You're gonna have to explain this joke to me, because I hear the setup, but there's no punchline.
The episode begins with previouslys of Jimmy getting shot at the end of last season. As you'll remember, Jimmy was shot during a fire by a disgruntled former fireman, and has been on the road to recovery ever since. And that paragon of morals, Kim, has been using his convalescence as an opportunity to get her mack on even as he is about to marry another woman. Nice, Kim. Can't wait to see what kind of trouble you stir up in your personalized episode.
"Jimmy's Mountain" (or as I will call it, "Jimmy's Phallocentric Excuse for a Life") begins with Jimmy explaining in a voice-over (if it's the beginning of a second-season episode, it must be a voice-over) saying that the most difficult thing to do in sports is to hit a major-league fastball. Hey, I could do that. All I'd need is a bat and a machine to slow down time by about nine-tenths. ["And isn't it the curveball that separates the wheat from the chaff?" -- Sars] Jimmy is then shown in slow motion swinging at a fastball. It's 1993, Yankee tryouts. Every spring, he says, they let people come out and take three swings, to see if they're good enough to move on to fielding for a shot at the big leagues. Jimmy, who has always been nothing if not cocky, had it all figured out. He'd play in the minors, move up to the big leagues, and do product endorsements for Nike. Yeah, if "Just Do It" means "Just Sleep With Your Ex-Wife." As he's swinging, we go to flashbacks of Jimmy as a fireman. That, he says, was his backup plan. Against his will, he says, he learned to love the job. He's good at it, he says. We move on to clips of Jimmy being taken to the hospital with a gunshot wound as Kim tags along. Even then, she's turned on, I'm sure. We then get gratuitous beefcake footage of Jimmy in skimpy shorts and a muscle shirt, working through physical therapy. Sweat, muscles, more sweat, a nasty scar on the leg. Jimmy remembers how much he fit in, and then how getting shot screwed it all up.
The montage finally ends, and it's just Jimmy and Brooke in the car, and Jimmy's saying he's nervous to be going back to the station. Brooke says he doesn't have to come back to work early. She also hints that he should check out brochures for the inn they're booking for their June wedding. Jimmy doesn't even pretend to be interested. She looks awfully haggard here. The summer was not kind to Brooke. Jimmy says his goodbyes, and she watches him leave. Her eyes are adoring. Jimmy starts walking to the station and flashes back to the Yankees batting tryouts. He says he wishes they'd given him one more swing. Don't we all. Jimmy continues to walk toward the station in slow motion, smirking his little naughty-boy smirk. We go to the opening credits.
Johnnie Cochran isn't around, so Cosa the cat is free to dance in the living room all she wants during the song. Heh heh, this is funny: Eddie Cibrian got duped into doing NBC's In the Beginning... and he's all dolled up and wearing lots of eyeliner. It's pretty hysterical, y'all.
Jimmy walks up as the other firefighters are arguing about REO Speedwagon (because it's extremely important in this day and age to argue about such relevant contemporary artists) and washing the trucks. Jimmy comes up talking about redneck hillbillies and gets a huge "Whoah!" greeting from his buddies. They crowd around him, and the testosterone level shoots so high that all women within a city block start growing facial hair. Somebody points out that Jimmy wasn't supposed to come back till the following week. He makes a lame joke about "CP Time," and all is forgiven. Lots of male bonding hugs.
Inside, Jimmy is referred to as "Paperwork Factory," and the guys wanna see his scar. He pulls up his shirt and shows off a nice pink puffy line going up the middle of his stomach. Ladies, is scar tissue sexy? I'm just wondering, because I'm looking into a nice, long stab wound across the lower abdomen if so. ["Depends on how you got the scar. If it's a story that starts out, 'So I got reeeeeally drunk,' it isn't sexy." -- Sars] One of the other guys pulls up his shirt and shows where he got hit by a Cadillac tail fin. Another guy shows a leg scar where he was pushed off by a girl who he was getting frisky with. What is this, Chasing Amy again? No, wait, it's Lethal Weapon 3, and they're all going to start making out with each other. Or it's Jaws and they're all about to get eaten by sharks. Jimmy undoes his pants to show off another scar, and this one isn't even one the audience can see. Just as he's doing that, a serious-looking woman is walking up the stairs behind him. The guys make jokes about it "being a big sucker" and how if it was any closer to "his boys" he'd be a soprano. No, if he was a Soprano, he'd be reading off a better script. The woman looks embarrassed and walks back down the stairs, then knocks to make her presence known. The guys stop talking, and Lt. Johnson greets the woman. Her name is Taylor. She is introduced to the rag-tag group of guys, and Jimmy is invited by the Lieutenant to show Taylor around. They're interrupted by a call on the intercom: a fire needs their attention. Jimmy takes off, and Taylor looks a little frustrated. On their way down, Jimmy asks if the woman they saw was "the Alex Taylor from 78." Ah, she's got notoriety. Jimmy is assigned as "Can Man" instead of nozzle and doesn't seem pleased about it. The boss won't hear it. Jimmy is the "Can Man." (But is he the "Can-Do Man"?)
In the truck, Jimmy is putting on a new set of firefighting gear. It's tight. When he tries to explain, Alex says she knows that they're new, because his old gear was the victim of a shooting. "Everyone know who you are," she says, and not happily. One of the guys asks, "Who's Wally Pipp?" He gets razzed for being a New Yorker and not knowing that. Alex and Jimmy don't look very comfortable with each other. Wally Pipp, apparently, was replaced by a rookie named Lou Gehrig, and was then never put back in the starting lineup. Ah, baseball parallels. Got it. The driver actually says, "Lock and load" as they get to the scene. Testosterone, people. Can you feel it?
Things go slow motion as they arrive at the fire. Alex and Jimmy grab medieval-looking picks. Jimmy, who is carrying the dreaded "Can," is put to the hydrant. He argues with his boss, but again, to no avail. It's hydrant duty for you, Mr. Jimmy. Jimmy rushes to the hydrant, pushes some lackey out of the way, and gets to work. Before finishing, he gets up and takes off. The lackey asks why Jimmy doesn't finish this line first before running off to start another one. Jimmy takes off, his machismo cutting a swath of destruction. Jimmy runs back to the building to help and Lou tells him to get back on assignment. He looks like a kid caught trying to put out fires in the cookie jar. Lou points out that Jimmy didn't take out the line. In slow motion (you know, this episode would be about twelve minutes long if not for all the slow motion), Jimmy starts kicking at a snag. The kink in the hose won't untangle as the firefighters need water. Jimmy works at it. Bastard. Water finally makes it. Jimmy looks up at his fellow firefighters, desperately wishing he were up there, about to get killed. He watches kids watching the other firefighters. Yeah, you wanna be a hero, we know. Fade to white. Go to commercial.
Post-fire. Oh. I need a cigarette. One firefighter got his helmet melted. The male firefighters are already bitching about Alex, saying that if they assign her to can or hydrant instead of the hose, that they'll get named in her suit. What suit? You know, thinking that everything revolved around the hose is very phallocentric. Doc, who is standing nearby with Carlos, asks if the woman he saw was Alex. He used to work with her back when she was a paramedic and before she took the fire exam. One of the firefighters says she should have stayed a paramedic. Carlos says, "Too bad she's litigious. Girl's got a great ass." Who knew that the Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling was more enlightened than NBC Monday Night?
Back at the station, the guy who got his helmet melted calls first-shower honors. The guys joke around about not needing a helmet (lack of intelligence jokes: just one bastion of locker-room humor), and then someone else grabs his package and says the guy only does his thinking down there. Shot of Alex looking annoyed. Kim and Bobby, who are sitting around, are introduced to Alex. Kim makes noises about it being nice to have another woman around. Kim offers to show Alex to the lockers. Alex walks off and says she can find them herself. She's not the most ingratiating new firefighter to slide down the pole, let me tell ya. As Alex walks off, somebody calls out that her bunk is the last one down and that she'll know it when she sees it. After she leaves, Bobby asks if she's the Alex Taylor. Somebody mentions Jimmy, and Kim puts down her crossword to ask about him. She didn't know he was coming back early. Sensing an impending booty call, she gets up and goes upstairs to look for him. "Let the games begin," Bobby mutters.
On the rooftop, Kim finds Jimmy looking through a pamphlet. It's for a fancy inn, which she calls "hoity." Jimmy says he's up on the roof because everybody else is showering and he doesn't need to. That's right, you can't wash off bravado. Jimmy says that Brooke wants a big wedding, about 50 to 70 people. Kim laughs as if it's the greatest thing in the world, and says it sure beats the wedding buffet she and Jimmy had in Atlantic City. Meow. "That's great, Jimmy," Kim says, patting Jimmy's upper-upper thigh with the pamphlet. "Good for you." Bobby comes up and asks Jimmy how he's doing. "Never better," Jimmy answers. "Welcome home," Bobby says. This would be a love triangle if there were anything like real love going on here in any capacity. As she walks off with Bobby, Kim says, "Glad you're [sometimes on your] back [when we get our freaks on]!"
As sad, melodramatic music plays, Alex washes up in the sink in an empty room of bunks. She is wearing a sports bra, which I wouldn't mention except that you don't see a lot of the male firefighters wearing those. (Except for Firefighter Hanson, who has that unfortunate pituitary gland problem.) Alex looks back at her bunk. It's surrounded by those curtains you usually see in a hospital, and a sign reads "Keep Back, 200 ft." She's a woman, not a leper. Jeez. Her bed is by the window and in the far corner. She puts down her gear, puts her arms around her knees, and gets stoic. As she gets introspective, we get quick cuts of a guy in a house wearing no pants as Alex walks in. He doesn't look like an invited guest. Breaking her out of her memories, some guys walk in and ask her (through the curtain) if she wants to take a shower. They have a sign, one of them says, that she can flip to "female." "No thanks," she says. Why shower when you can sink-wash? Alex lies back in bed as the guys walk off, cracking jokes about nothing in particular.
Jimmy walks into Lt. Johnson's office, and Johnson is bitching about how much paperwork he has. He says the new NYFD has more logs than Lincoln. Tee hee. He also says he's not a firefighter anymore, he's a paper pusher. Jimmy playfully disagrees. Jimmy apologizes for the hose kink. Johnson says it's okay, he's just rusty. Jimmy, smirking, says he's not rusty and he wants to make sure this won't screw him up for the fire. Because that's what important: Jimmy's reputation, not that some people could die or anything. Jimmy goes on: he says he's ready and able. "So noted," Johnson says.
Outside, Jimmy runs into Alex. He asks if she still wants that tour. "I can figure it out," she says. Look, I'm all for showing the guys up, but does that mean going out of your way to not be at all friendly in a new work environment? Alex, we want to love you, seriously. Don't make us all feel like perverts. Jimmy tries again, and Alex shoots him down again. Jimmy's about to walk off and then he turns around. "Hey, you know, Danny Gamble is a friend of mine," he says finally. "So?" she asks. Jimmy says he doesn't know what happened at her old precinct, but that maybe she misread it. Okay, Alex, now you can be unfriendly to Jimmy. He's starting to deserve it. "Fine," she says coldy. "He's a perfect gentleman." One of the other firefighters interrupts to ask Jimmy if he wants to play some basketball. When he leaves, Jimmy asks again if she misread the situation. Alex says she doesn't want to talk about it. And sounds like she means it.
The enlightening conversation is interrupted by the intercom, and soon they're on their way to another incident. A kid is explaining to the firefighters what happened: another kid was trying to land a 720 (on a bike, no less), and he hit the ramp the wrong way. The kid's name is Efran. Efran has landed on a spike. He's face down on a slab, and there's a metal pole going through his leg. Ouch, ouch, OUCH! He's screaming, as anyone would be in that situation. He asks, between screams, if they're going to cut off his leg. Alex says no. She orders a saline drip and "at least five mgs of morphine." Kim comes up and says, "Oh great, another ER fan." Alex says she was a paramedic before she moved up. "Moved up?" Kim asks. Alex shoots her a dirty look. They hook the kid up with some morphine (mmm, mmm, good) and try to figure out what to do. The block he landed on is too heavy to lift, and they can't get the saw underneath. Jimmy grabs a hammer to loosen up the rock so they can get the saw in. He hefts it, and starts whacking at the slab. Jimmy keeps whacking, and he starts to look sick and nauseous, like Al Bundy imagining having sex with Peg. One of the other firefighters notices. Kim asks if he's okay. Jimmy just keeps whacking, as if he were John Henry, the steel-drivin' man. Johnson tells Jimmy to let someone else get a whack. Jimmy whacks again, this time intercut by some baseball swinging footage. Hearkening back to Misery, Jimmy just misses hitting Efram in the leg. Bobby tells him to watch out, and Johnson again tells him to hand over the hammer. Lombardo takes the sledge as Jimmy walks off, holding his stomach in pain. After he gets the kid loose, Lombardo walks over to Jimmy. "You loosened it up for me," he says hearteningly. Jimmy just looks sick. Go to commercial.
Hey, I liked American Beauty too, but how snotty is it to call the DVD "The Awards Edition?" That's like calling this week'sWest Wing "Emmy Fest 2000."
On the ride back, Jimmy is holding his stomach. Someone asks if he wants to play some b-ball. He's injured! Can't anybody see that? Jimmy says he'll take a shower, and Lombardo says he's rank. Lombardo asks Alex if she plays. She says, "No, thanks." He says, "You never know with that WNBA and stuff." How did this guy get to be a firefighter? He should have a Ph.D. in English Lit! They get another call in mid-drive, and the driver says he's going to have to turn around.
At another scene, Bosco is yelling as a woman yells back at him. Bosco is mad that they called in a fake shooting. They're mad because drug dealers are dealing drugs to kids on their front stoop and if they don't call in a murder, the police won't come. Ty and Sully are on hand and look embarrassed to be there. Bosco continues to yell as an ambulance and the fire truck pull up. As the police walk off, Sully says he doesn't understand why these people want the police to round up drug dealers. I mean, it's not like it's a crime or anything. Oh, wait, it is. Jimmy says he doesn't blame them. Sully retorts, saying that it's what he'd expect firefighters who sit around watching Ricki Lake all day to say. "Better than sittin' around thinkin' up tired jokes about firemen," Alex retorts, and it goes down as the lamest, most ill-conceived comeback in put-down history. She doesn't even deliver it right -- it breaks in mid-stream. Ty asks who she is. She says that judging from the clothes, she's a firefighter. Sully says that she's supposed to have a Barcalounger attached to her ass. "Where is it?" he asks. It's sad when Sully is schoolin' you in the insult department. Everybody laughs. "Whose side are you guys on?" Alex asks, signaling desperation. "Uh, that'd be the one with the better jokes," Carlos answers. Amen. Lt. Johnson breaks up the "snaps" competition, and as they're leaving, Faith Yokas introduces herself to Alex. All of a sudden, Alex is all friendship bracelets and ginger snaps. "It's amazing," Yokas says, "they get dumber when they're in packs." Each walks off and Alex all of a sudden has a friend.
As they're heading back to the station, they find a hydrant that has been opened. Jimmy volunteers to shut it off. Jimmy screws the hydrant tight. Alex offers a hand, but Jimmy tells her "no." He gets it shut down, then struggles with the cans and debris stuffed inside the hydrant to get the spray going.
Back at the station, Jimmy showers. The camera lingers. Men watch the World Series as women across the country keep their finger on the "channel" button on their remotes should someone walk in. The camera starts to move down Jimmy's torso, then...
…abruptly, we're outside on the roof. Doc comes up to Alex, who is lounging, and asks how she's being treated. She's noncommittal. He hands her a coffee while he drinks a bottle of water. He goes to the bagel shop every morning, and he couldn't bring her a lousy blueberry bagel? Geez -- thanks, Doc. Alex wonders how they can stand to work so close to the police station. She refers to them as "the enemy." Doc says it's fine. She calls him "sunshine." Awwww. "I manage a thunderstorm every now and then," Doc says. Johnnie Cochran would agree. She says she's not inside with the others because she doesn't want to get in the way. Doc says he heard she may take some paramedic shifts.
Jimmy emerges fully dressed from the shower room as Bobby is sunbathing. As Jimmy and Bobby engage in some good-natured ribbing, a friend of Jimmy's walks in. It's Danny Gamble ["Oz's Robert Clohessy" -- Sars]. They pal it up, as Danny was the senior guy when Jimmy first started in the fire department. Kim pops her head out the window to tell Bobby they need to go. Kim gives Danny the cold shoulder as she gets her stuff to leave. And as they keep talking, we see Alex coming down the hall. It's almost Three's Company in its complex set-up. Danny says he came all the way down to visit Jimmy. Yeah. Right. Alex walks up. "What are you doing here?" she asks. Danny says he's visiting Jimmy. She tells him he's not supposed to be around her, and he plays like he's just catching up with a pal. She walks off. "She wants me, bad," Danny tells Jimmy. Bad like a stomach flu. Danny calls her a teaser, and Jimmy starts to look nauseous again. As the crew is called on another assignment, Danny says he and Jimmy should hang out later. Jimmy says he doesn't think Danny should come back, and that he'll call him later so they can meet somewhere.
The call is a "possibly people trapped," and it's a cloudy day scene with a woman trapped in a car. She hit a fruit stand. She's laughing from some drugs she must have taken. Before anyone can say anything, Jimmy grabs the jaws. Another firefighter complains that he's the Jaws Guy. Jimmy says, "Not today," and goes at it while everyone gives him dirty looks. He can't get them to work, everybody yells, and Jimmy has to be pushed aside forcibly. Then he looks mad, as if he's been wronged. Hey, Jimmy. Take another shower and a chill pill to go with it.
Back at the station again. Lombardo asks Jimmy what's going on. He says it's Jimmy's first day back and he should take it easy. The guy got shot, after all. Jimmy talks some trash about being a better firefighter. Lombardo agrees, but says the old saw about the team being only as strong as its weakest link. And right now, Jimmy is that beefy sausage link. Jimmy goes downstairs and asks a table full of guys if they think he's not 100 percent. Everyone ignores him. Jimmy comes around and starts challenging other guys to push-up contests. Val Kilmer as "The Iceman" stands in the corner wearing only a towel and just snickers, as he is wont to do. Jimmy starts threatening people, and then walks off in disgust. He goes to the weight room, throws on some big discs, and starts doing bench presses. There are no ads for estrogen, which Jimmy clearly needs more of in his system.
Later that night...Alex is in bed, hands behind her head, thinking about that punk Danny and how he wasn't wearing pants. In flashbacks, he approaches her in what looks like her home. He's leering and smiling. She pushes him away. As most of the others sleep, she gets up and goes downstairs. Doc, who is downstairs, asks if she can't sleep and says she should get some rest. She throws out little terse one-liners. "Not tired" and "no thanks." Kim says, "Nice girl."
Another call comes in. Doc says it's the same address as the bogus shooting from earlier. It's nighttime. In the truck, Jimmy is told he's the Can Man again. He knows, he knows. "No false alarm this time," somebody says. Indeed. The building is on fire. Apparently the drug dealers were mad that the parents called the cops. Alex notes that the windows have bars on them. Jimmy takes a minute, looking a little nervous, until he's called to the front of the building. Yokas says there's a mother and daughter inside. A refrigerator is blocking the front entrance. Inside, a bunch of cinder blocks are weighing the fridge down. They empty it and move the fridge aside. The woman who was yelling at Bosco before is now shouting about the children inside. She wails. Jimmy gets his mask on and goes inside. The woman outside is yelling at Bosco that it's his fault. He looks really bitter. Inside, they can't get to the kids and no water is coming in. Jimmy says he'll go get a line going. He runs outside and takes off his mask. Jimmy starts a hydrant going while Alex uses a saw to cut through a chain holding a fence closed. It's all moving very quickly with some thumping music to push us through the action.
Alex comes around the building and sees a woman trapped inside a barred window. She's tapping to try to get out. Alex calls for help on her radio. Water's still unavailable. Alex says she's not venting until they have water. Because of the Backdraft, right? Jimmy finally gets water going and then runs in to help find the kids. Bosco looks even more bitter now, because he actually is starting to agree with the woman's assessment. Jimmy warns the other firefighters about the ceiling: it's ready to crash down. Alex is still trying to get the woman out of the room. The woman breaks the window. She runs to the back of the room. Alex yells at her not to open the door. She yells again. The woman opens the door. A huge fireball rushes into the room as the woman screams. Yep. Backdraft.
Somebody throws a helmet out of a window, which it sounds like means a firefighter is down. Alex rushes in through the front of the building. From outside, Lt. Johnson tells everybody to get out of the building. Jimmy, for once, is starting to follow orders. As they're making trails, one firefighter stumbles, and the ceiling falls, pinning him. Jimmy comes back. Alex tells Jimmy to hold up the wood while she drags out the firefighter from underneath. Jimmy lifts. Alex goes under. Alex yells at Jimmy to lift higher, higher. Jimmy struggles. Another firefighter tries to get in there, but Jimmy won't let him. Alex is still yelling for "higher." Annoying baseball swing is shown. More swinging. Lots of yelling. The guy behind Jimmy is now struggling with him. Lt. Johnson is yelling. It's crazy, y'all. Jimmy finally has to be pushed aside, and the other firefighter lifts up the beam just fine. Jimmy struck out, if you haven't already gotten it. Jimmy keeps thinking about baseball. Somebody has to shake him and tell him to snap out of it and wake up. They all escape the building. Jimmy is a few bases short of a home run. Jimmy stumbles outside in slow motion. He looks like a disheveled Ben Affleck. Kids are carried out. Tinkly music plays. Everybody is doing stuff in slow motion, except Jimmy, who just stands there.
Later, at the station. Doc, as Mr. Exposition Man, asks if Roberts is okay. The ceiling fell on him, and apparently all he got was some bruised legs. Jimmy walks by. Everybody looks up and then looks away. Very uncomfortable, this place has become. Jimmy goes to Lt. Johnson's office. "I want to go home," he says. "Shift's not over. You've got six hours," Johnson says. For some reason, Johnson is trying to get Jimmy to stay. "I shouldn't be here," Jimmy says. Johnson finally relents. He tells Jimmy to call when he's ready to come back.
Upstairs, Jimmy packs up his gear. Kim comes in, because depression over work is a sign of needing comfort, and because Kim has Booty Caller ID. "Why didn't you let them help you?" she asks. Everyone from the fire is okay, she says. Jimmy is upset. He says he can't be the Can Man. "I don't ask for help," he says. He's the guy everybody else asks for help. He leaves. Frustrated.
Outside, Alex is practicing starting up a saw she had trouble with earlier. "I owe you an apology," Jimmy tells her. She hints that it's between him and Johnson. What he means is about the sexual harassment thing. "I found him in my apartment twice," Alex says. "The second time he was naked. Well, he did have a shirt on." Jimmy lies and says he's being sent home because the boss thinks he came back too early. Alex says she heard Jimmy's an excellent fireman, and that's part of the reason she transferred over. He gives her a compliment and takes off. They part ways, friendly-like.
Jimmy walks off, and the voice-over is talking about baseball again. About how Wally Pipp never started a game again and Lou Gehrig went on for 13 years. "This job, I guess I always thought of myself as Gehrig in that story," Jimmy says. End of episode.
Boy, that was a little weak. Seriously. If that's the most interesting thing you can come up with for an episode around a single character. Man. Well, week it's Kim's turn, and it's time to ask The Limbo Question: How low can she go? How low can she go? See you then.