First, an announcement. This is the last Third Watchrecap Mighty Big TV will publish. Why? Well, apparently, y'all aren't reading these. And the forums have become infested with tumbleweed and dust. So, let's make this fun. I'll stay snarky to the end, and you'll chuckle along and pretend that you've been watching the show during the latter half of the second season. It'll be like group therapy, only a little less delusional.
Previously on This Show is Doomed: Jimmy chatted up his best friend's girl Linda at his own engagement party. Then he got slugged at the fire station by her man Lombardo. I try to remember why. Oh, yeah! Because he boffed her in the bathroom at that same party. Boy, that Jimmy sure does get around. Brooke (the woman he was supposed to be getting engaged to at that party) found out and told him to stay away. And then, weeks later, Lombardo told him that Linda was pregnant. Jimmy freaked out, but Lombardo assured him that it is the product of healthy Lombardo sperm, and not of the Jimmy Lothario sperm. Jimmy breathed a sigh of relief. Just like that, they were friends again.
The episode that has my "Get out of Third Watch free card," begins in a snowy park, as Jimmy and his son Joey kick a ball around. In voice-over, Jimmy talks about the movie Jerry Maguire, and how Tom Cruise's character woke up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat to create a mission statement. Look, you know you're getting desperate when you start cribbing your show's emotional themes from movies that were released within the last five years. week, Carlos will fantasize about somebody showing him the money. ["Maybe he will, but you won't read about it here." -- Wing Chun] Jimmy, all smiles from the holy light and faint music playing as he admires his son, says he needs one of those: a plan, a mission statement. How about, "Don't screw women other than your fiancée at your engagement party"? Hell, that motto should apply to all firefighters. Jimmy says he plans to make up for all the hurt he's caused people around him. Good luck with that, buddy. Hope that works out real well for you now that nobody wants to have anything to do with you.
At a restaurant, Jimmy is waiting. After a moment of hesitation, Brooke -- who we see through a window -- comes in. She is brusque. She don't want no scrub. She's not staying. "What do you want, Jimmy?" she asks. He says he wants to talk. "I love you," he tells her. She tells him to shut up. Hey, she's looking good, by the way. Even now that she's crying. Jimmy says he made a mistake, and he wants them to be together. Brooke is having none of that. She says she called a lawyer; she doesn't want alimony, she just wants her apartment. "This won't happen again," Jimmy says. Damn right, buddy. She's sending you divorce papers. Brooke gets up and leaves. Jimmy looks sad.
Outside the fire station, Lombardo is showing off his Lombardi by throwing a few passes and acting all macho as Alex "Cold Fish" Taylor tells the boys to come in for supper. He calls her Ma, and I giggle. A fire truck approaches and everybody gets ready for a rumble. This is a fire truck from another precinct, and it would seem that they have bitter turf wars that can only be settled on the football field. Firefighter A-Hole engages in some trash talking with Jimmy and the crew and delivers a bucket with tissues, Ben Gay, and a telescope for them to view the opposing team's winning touchdowns. Oh, I see. Being a firefighter is just re-upping your contract from belonging to a frat. Jimmy tells A-Hole that if he has no telescope, he won't be able to find his "Johnson" when he's taking a leak. That's why I subscribe to HBO. You'll never hear Paulie Walnuts on The Sopranos refer to someone's penis as a "Johnson." A-Hole drives away, trying to skid a fire truck. They all say they want a piece of that guy -- even Alex, who plans to join in the football action. Tough talk. Weak story.
As everybody files inside, Jimmy hangs around and is approached by Lombardo's girlfriend Linda, who just happens by. She says she's there to see Jimmy. Alex walks out and spots Linda. Awkward moment. She goes back inside. Linda tells Jimmy that she had an ultrasound and is four months pregnant, pegging it right at the time of his engagement party. Lombardo, it would seem, was misinformed. Jimmy expresses "stunned disbelief" by squinting. Linda predicts that her kid will be born with black hair and dimples, and warns Jimmy that if Lombardo ditches her, "I am not going to be stuck raising it alone." See, Jimmy? It all works out. Lose a Brooke, gain a Linda.
Opening credits. I let my cat dance to the Crystal Method one last time.
Dinner at the fire station. What could be finer? Football strategy is discussed. As they use food to plan out plays, Carlos is compared to ziti, and then to garlic bread. Carlos finds out he's been replaced by Alex, because it's a firefighters-only matchup. What was Carlos going to do, anyway? Use his textbooks to study them into the end zone? He walks off, disgusted. Linda is sitting at the table, and she looks like she'd rather be home, being not so pregnant. Jimmy walks in and leaves quickly, avoiding the situation. Smart man.
Upstairs, Alex butts in on Jimmy's life yet again. "It's really none of my business," she begins, "but you might want to rethink being alone with Linda." Jimmy agrees that it's none of her business. He makes a sexual crack, and then decides to tell her about the pregnancy. Jimmy says, by way of exposition, that he's not going to tell Lombardo what's going on. Are you as bored as I am, yet?
Outside, a guy in glasses, riding a bike, approaches Jimmy. He talks about how cool firefighters are, and how he's heard about this one firefighter named Jimmy who's one of the best in the city. Holy crap, a firefighter groupie! Jimmy totally falls for it. But, hey! It's actually a guy delivering divorce papers. The whole thing was a clever ruse. "You're served," the guy says, and rides off. Ha ha.
That night, Jimmy's inside, brooding by the blinds and holding the divorce papers. Lombardo comes down, saying he wasn't able to sleep. It looks like Lombardo is going to ask something about the pregnancy, but instead he asks Jimmy whether he snores. Jimmy tells him he does. Lombardo doesn't believe it. He's living in his little non-snoring perfect-Linda fantasy world. How soon he'll be shattered. Lombardo asks what's on Jimmy's mind. Jimmy asks about Lombardo's arm. Guy bonding: How sweet it is.
The sequence is a long, long, long flag football playing sequence. So unnecessary. And it's cold, so instead of the buff bodies we got in Top Gun's volleyball sequence, we get a bunch of sweaty guys in sweatpants. Loud music. Lots of slow motion. Some scoring, but not of the sexual variety. Alex shows her masculinity. Lots of high fives. Mud. Whooping. I go get a beer and drink it and the scene still isn't half over. Kim sits on the sidelines, single-handedly sapping any joy from the events around her. Jimmy gets slammed, and flag football turns to tackle football. A fight almost breaks out. More loud music. This is like a Foot Locker commercial that never, ever ends. An inspirational huddle inspires me to run to the bathroom for a recap-run-ending bowel movement. An interception loses the gave for Jimmy and his pals. The distance between me and caring is roughly a million, billion, trillion light-years. We go to commercial, because somebody actually paid money to advertise after this brilliant display of ill-spent testosterone.
At the fire station, Jimmy comes down and finds everybody looking out the window. They're watching Lombardo and Linda argue out on the street. "At least it's got nothing to do with you this time," Carlos tells Jimmy. Lombardo looks up, and everybody backs away from the window. Jimmy prepares to get punched in the face again. Lombardo bitches everybody out for listening in. Then they all get called to a fire.
On the way, Lombardo says that the fight on the street was about what he and Linda are naming the kid. She wants a name like "Hunter" or "Oliver." He wants "Joe," just like Jimmy's son. Jimmy's other son. How creepy is that? Alex gives Jimmy a look. Lombardo wants a strong firefighter's name. And if it's a girl, he wants her to be as tough as Alex. Boy, episode is just a monument to suck, isn't it? I've seen black holes devour entire galaxies and suck less.
At the fire, which is actually a set of warehouses where no real fire is evident, everybody's happy that they got there before A-Hole and his crew of slack-jawed yokel firefighters from Shelbyville. A crew goes inside as the chief barks out orders. It's daylight and it doesn't look like there's any danger at all. Folks are thinking it's a bogus call.
Lombardo, Jimmy, and Alex walk upstairs after smelling some smoke. They find a small, manageable fire. Jimmy calls down, but it's all crackle on the radio and nobody gets his message. He calls down again, but gets no response. People outside are chatting and goofing around. Alex and Jimmy put their masks on as another fire truck shows up outside. The fire is getting bigger now. A woman calls out for help as firefighters outside bitch about the way taxi radios interfere with their signals. Jimmy frantically calls for help. The woman says that her husband was lighting a stove, and a fire raged out of control. They help her, but things are starting to get chaotic. They carry her out as the fire gets huge.
Doc and Carlos drive up. Carlos says he'll catch up. He's tired from staying out all night and chatting on his cell phone. Oh, Carlos. I'll miss you the most. Nobody's doing much of anything outside, and then all of a sudden Jimmy pops outside carrying the woman. He complains about getting no line or response. The chief tells him to get another radio. Alex is still inside, so everybody starts hustling as Doc starts helping the rescued slum dwellers.
Fire inside. Alex is looking for a boy to rescue. It's so great that Alex is independent and doesn't want it the other way around. She finds a young moppet and gives him her oxygen mask. He breathes, and Alex doesn't even cough, even though she's surrounded by fire. She calls down and is told to stay put while more firefighters are sent in to rescue her. The chief calls on Lombardo and Jimmy to help. Jimmy tells the chief that the fire is feeding off something. How about the gassy script? A-Hole gets into a tiff with Jimmy, but it's quickly forgotten when Jimmy tells A-Hole that Alex is inside, and that he knows where the fire is. If only the battle on the football field could have been resolved so quickly.
Back inside, Jimmy is trying to find Alex. Outside, windows are being broken, ladders are being scaled. More flashlights in the dark than an episode of The X-Files. Lots of yelling. People running back and forth. Smoke and fire. Boredom.
The young boy is carried outside, and Alex has made it back. The chief calls to the firefighters still inside. They don't respond. Taylor is sent back inside to certain death. Hoses are being used inside, but who are they kidding? This fire is nowhere close to being extinguished.
More fire. More smoke outside. Chatter. Ladders. Hoses. That's why you tune in, right? To see fire, smoke, chatter, ladders, and hoses. As guys outside scale ladders, the chief and what looks like some sort of elder commissioner confer. The stellar distance between me and caring just doubled.
Inside. Water pressure's down. A backup line is on its way. It all seems very complicated, and it's hard to tell who's who with all those masks. A blast of fire erupts, and a poor guy on falls off a ladder and lands on the concrete below. Lombardo runs in to help Jimmy and whoever else might be inside. Mass chaos. Fire, I have learned, is a naughty, naughty mistress. Inside, folks are rescuing each other. The fire blazes. Nobody has considered just getting out of the building. Another commercial is improbably purchased and shown.
A "Breaking News" mock broadcast that looks like it was shot on digital video is interspersed with show footage of after-dark firefighting. Firefighters scramble. Helicopters hover. Fire's down below, but not like in the movie. Outside the chief and the guy I think is the commissioner exchange theories. One of them is that cork insulation is causing the dark smoke. Boooo-ring.
Inside, more firefighting. Outside, Doc tells somebody to get some saline. Despite the roaring fire, expensive smoke, and rushed look of everyone involved, this sequence has the dramatic tension of a sponge getting moldy. I'm wondering why the firefighters are still inside when it's obvious the fire can't be contained, and when all the non-firefighters have already been rescued. But, I'm corrected when it appears there's some searching and rescuing going on. It's just not very clear who's rescuing whom. Jimmy comes in, and it looks like he's grabbed hold of a trapped Lombardo. No wait, it's someone else. Dammit, Lombardo, where are you? More explosions and fires. Is this show expensive to produce? Yes. Do enough people watch it to justify the cost? Hardly.
Amazingly, more shots of very hot fire. Now it's inside and really toasting the firefighters left inside. Lombardo keeps calling out "Jimmy!" but I think he's already outside. Lombardo suddenly gets blasted by what appeared to be a blowtorch. He falls over a rail and lands hard.
Outside, the firefighting chiefs finally decide to back out. Doc helps some firefighters while Alex plans to go in for Lombardo. Jimmy is shocked to learn that Lombardo's still inside. They make their way in, but the chief stops them at the door. "I can't risk losing any more men," he tells them sternly. Well, that certainly makes it easier for Jimmy to move in on Linda, huh? Tense moment as the firefighters realize they can't go in and rescue their comrades. Lombardo is calling out for help inside, but nobody's around. Long close-ups of the firefighters watching the building somberly and bitterly. The sad tinkly music plays. Jimmy squints extra hard. Even A-Hole gulps hard. The longest, most undeserved montage ever. Another commercial, and one more beer to dull the pain.
When we return, more close-ups, more tinkly music. End, damn you! This episode has gone way too long. Implausibility #323: A lone helmet rolls out of the front door. The firefighters rush forward and it's Lombardo being rescued. So fake. So lame. Lombardo is brought out and, just like that, he's being wheeled through the hospital corridors. Doc and Carlos are calling out vitals. He's in pretty bad shape. Jimmy stands behind, squinting mightily. "We got him out soon enough. He's gonna make it, right?" Jimmy asks. Doc says that he doesn't know, and leaves, avoiding the situation. Alex catches up with Jimmy and they both watch through the window. "He's tough," Alex says. She informs him that one of their colleagues didn't make it. That's okay; we never got to know the guy anyway.
But here we get to know the guy's wife. She approaches Jimmy, who apparently helped the guy out of the building (though I don't even remember that). She cries and Jimmy hugs her. No character development whatsoever.
Jimmy finds a doctor to ask about Lombardo. Lombardo is okay, but for some smoke inhalation. The doctor says that Lombardo asked for Linda and a chaplain, although he says that calling the priest is a bit premature. Jimmy expresses confusion by turning his head to the right.
Jimmy goes in to visit Lombardo. (This is all happening at light speed, unlike the less interesting parts of the episode that were dragged out to infinity plus one.) Jimmy offers encouraging words, and says that there's no need to call a priest. "I want the baby to have my name. My benefits," Lombardo says. He tells Jimmy that he's going to marry Linda. Jimmy blinks and squints at the same time. "You don't have to," Jimmy says. Lombardo tells him not to say it. "Shut up," Lombardo says. "I want to marry her." He says that Linda's all he's got. That is so amazingly sad for Lombardo.
thing, Lombardo is marrying Linda right there on his bed. When did Linda say yes? Jimmy watches for a minute, then leaves.
At the fire site, people are digging through ashes. An ambulance pulls up. Jimmy gets out and says in voice-over that life isn't about hanging on to someone because you care about them. Rather, it's about letting go if you really care. He borrows a pen and signs the divorce papers, right there in the middle of the street. He enters the scene and mentions that three firefighters died in the fire, some of whom he didn't even know. Some went in to try to save his life. He picks up a burned flashlight on the ground and opens his mouth, all sad and agog. "I think my mission statement starts with living every day of the rest of my life like I deserve what those men did for me." So, we've switched from Jerry Maguire to Saving Private Ryan. It's still crap. The sad Jimmy music plays us out as a title card reads, "In the year American firefighters were killed in the line of duty." No punctuation there, either.
And then it's over. I let out a mad whoop.
week: Kim develops an addiction, but I don't give a damn because I don't have to recap it.
So it's over. I enjoyed most of this recapping, and even liked some of the forum activity, although there were a few idiots who made me realize why Nicole was eager to move on to another show. Thanks to her for paving the way; to Wing, Sars, and Niki for trudging through with me; and to Third Watch for not sucking so bad early in the season, and making my job bearable.
See you on another show. I sincerely hope it's one that doesn't feature gratuitous flag football sequences.