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Todd Packer has decided he wants to return to the Scranton branch full-time, and Holly is only too happy to grant Michael's dearest wish. That is, until she discovers what a jerk Packer is, which takes less than a day. Michael tries to make Packer behave, but nobody's fooled, and Jim and Dwight actually join forces to get rid of him. Their plan is to fool Packer into thinking he's being offered a job at Corporate in Tallahassee. But you know Michael's not going to let them get away with that..
In other news, Pam takes pity on Erin and replaces the crappy old computer at Reception. Andy's so jealous that Erin actually switches computers with him, and Pam and Andy end up fighting over it. Pam hints that Andy can get a new computer if his current one breaks, and Andy gets right on it. Soon Andy has a new computer… and Darryl, who is totally onto them, has a few extra sick days.
After getting his "job offer," Packer makes the mistake of badmouthing Holly to Michael, who becomes only too happy to let him head on down to Jo's house and get himself fired, if not arrested. Good riddance. Something tells me Michael's going to be undefeated from here on out.
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Want more? The full recap starts right below!Lunchtime in the break room, and Dwight is grossing out a nation by slurping out of a bulk-food can. It's from his survival stash, but expiration dates approach. "It's nice not to have to plan my meals," he talking-heads. His coworkers mock him until he paints a whole scenario about the end of the world, when he refuses to let them into his shelter because they laughed at him. "Kevin will be eaten. Pam will be taken slave. Jim will be made a warlord's jester. Meredith will do okay." He says it might be one month, or two. Jim asks what about three, and Dwight would go along with that. Even four, or eight, or a year. Until finally it's just Dwight, Jim, and several barrels of food still in there. "495 months?" Jim asks. "That's just..." about how long they'll be in there?
Todd Packer's in Michael's office, explaining how his womanizing has become wearisome even to himself. Or, as Packer puts it with uncharacteristic delicacy, he's got "a couple of love-bumps on my ding-dong, so I was like, oh, game over." Michael shows us few old photos of himself and Packer in more mullet-ridden days, and complacently figures that now that Packer "wants to come home," all that's needed is a sign-off from "my boo, Holly." Oh, there's going to be booing, all right.
Michael introduces Holly to Packer in his office, and he pretends to mistake her for Jennifer Aniston. He's not completely without smarm. She leads him into the conference room, but won't let Michael follow. He warns her that Packer's at his funniest if you give him five shots -- and also if you've had five shots. "I already have," she quips, and closes the door. Jim and Dwight wonder why Packer's even there, but Michael plays it off. Inside, Holly has made short work of the meeting, and when they emerge, Michael announces that Packer's now based in the branch. Off the lackluster reaction to this news, Packer says, "It's great to be among friends, but until then, you suckers will do." That would almost be funny if he weren't so obnoxious about it. Kevin and Michael continue to be the only ones happy about this, and Dwight and Jim are so baffled that Holly approved it that Kevin yells at them for not getting it. "I have very little patience for stupidity," he THs.
Erin and Gabe rush in late, Gabe having fallen in the shower. Erin's in the middle of explaining something about the fire department when she notices the shiny new computer on her desk. "The one at Reception sucked," Pam THs. "I don't want to say the other one was old, but its IP number was one. Right?" The Office: mining humor from bad jokes since 2005. Pam gets a hug from Erin and then goes over to beam proudly at Jim. "Can I do something for ya?" he wonders. She says it feels good to help someone, and mentions that he cleaned up their daughter at 4:00 AM. "So you know the feeling," she says. It was nice of him to help Cece like that.
Michael and Packer approach Dwight to talk about where Packer's going to sit, which is not a good sign for Dwight. "We can't just sit around waiting for Creed to die," Michael explains. Dwight points out that there are plenty of seats in the annex, which was his first mistake -- Dwight will be moving back there. Dwight protests that he's been at this desk for ten years (not counting his stint at Staples with the future Shirley from Community, of course), but Packer points out he was there for twelve years before that, and he's got his name carved into the bottom to prove it. Dwight and Michael both crawl under to look while Packer pretends to hump them. Stellar work today, Holly. You can go home with the satisfaction of a job well done.
Dwight takes his grumpy mood back to the annex, where he throws out Holly's Zen garden: "What do you grow in this, bullcrap?" In come Jim, Meredith, Ryan, and Pam, and Oscar, wondering why Holly hired Packer. Holly, more out of loyalty to Michael than anything else, says Packer's been nothing but nice to her. "That's how he gets you to take off your panties." Meredith says. Jim, to Pam: "Why are you nodding?" Holly asks for more examples of Packer's bad behavior, and Jim doesn't even have to go any earlier than this episode, pointing out that he humped Michael. Wrong argument to make with Holly.
Andy's trying to watch a regatta video on his computer, but it freezes up. Erin invites him up to watch it at Reception, and Andy's excited about Erin's new computer for about a second before asking Pam what he needs to do to get one for himself. Pam reminds Andy that he already has one, but Andy argues, "If you donated my computer to Africa, it would become famous as the slowest computer in Africa." Pam says it's not in the budget, and if Andy gets a new computer, everyone in sales would want one. Which they do. Tough luck, Andy.
Packer meets Kevin Holly, and Dwight in the kitchen, greeting them as the "three muske-queers." He also calls his own daughter a bitch and accuses Kevin of not knowing how to read anything but a menu. After he leaves, Kevin tries to hide his hurt feelings, but does it so badly that even Dwight is moved to say something kind: "In Sumo culture, you'd be considered a promising up-and-comer."
Pam comes out to the bullpen to see Andy on Erin's computer -- at his desk. Yes, they switched. Pam gets upset about the new Reception computer being swapped out. Andy starts to share some anger-management techniques with her, but Pam insists that Andy switch them back. As he angrily dives under his desk to start unhooking stuff, he calls out, "Please make sure nobody is humping me!" Not the kind of thing Andy usually has to say.
On her way back to the annex, Holly is waylaid by Erin (who gives her Dwight's ant farm to carry back to him, since it's apparently time for them to start farming), and by Michael, who calls it the "best day ever." He tries to get Holly to share in his enthusiasm for Packer, but she's clearly not feeling it. Michael is starting to take it personally, because one of the primary articles of faith in his personal cosmology is that Packer is cooler and funnier than he is, and if Holly isn't amused by Packer, where does that put Michael? Erin is also getting pretty worked up, but about the ants. Using a vial of them as a level-indicator, Holly runs a ranking of funny, from top to bottom: "Bill Cosby, Steve Martin, 'Charlie Bit My Finger,' Michael Scott," ending with Packer down at floor level. Erin takes the ants into her own hands while Michael's entire paradigm begins to overturn with the slow majesty of the Poseidon.
Packer's curious about Jim and Pam's marriage: "How's the sex?" Dwight delivers Packer a mug of hot chocolate, but Packer wisely declines. "The only hot chocolate I'm into is Viveca A. Fox," he creeps. Jim takes Dwight aside into the kitchen and asks, "You know you can't actually poison him, right?" Well, if he did, would you be having this conversation? Dwight says it's just a laxative. A lot of it. Jim suggests the two of them join forces, and Dwight agrees that they could work together to spike Packer's hot chocolate with Pepto-Bismol. Jim suggests jamming Packer's desk drawers. Dwight mocks the very idea. Jim's suggestion is to have Packer's number given out on a radio station for free Justin Bieber tickets. "Who is Justice Beaver?" Dwight asks. Wow, ignorance really is bliss. Jim: "...It's a crimefighting beaver." Dwight asks for Jim's best 40 ideas. Jim says he'll send him a hundred, and Dwight says do that, after editing it down to 40. Guys, fight the common enemy, all right?
Andy asks Pam for a minute in private. He's even put a sign-up sheet outside the conference room where people can sign up for five-minute "mods." Shit like that makes me need anger-management training. Pam seems impressed, but as soon as Andy closes the door behind them they start yelling at each other. After going back and forth only a couple of times, she says she can't get him a new computer unless his breaks. "Pretty sneaky, sis, "Andy admits. Then they get kicked out by Ryan and his jazz combo, because they have a jam session scheduled for a few mods.
Jim has e-mailed Dwight a list of 400 ideas. Dwight loves them all, from #3, "Eat a frog" and #4, "Eat a dog," to #135, "Eat a brog." Dwight goes to grab a pen to make notes, but his drawers are jammed. Jim leaves him to it. Way to stay on task, Halpert.
Andy is busy getting as many pop-ups, cookies, Somali bit torrents, and actual physical food items into his computer as he possibly can. With condiments.
Michael has taken Packer down to Hank's for a talk. Packer charms Hank with a supportive remark about the 76ers, and Michael tells him, "That is something you should take upstairs and use on the people that really matter." Hank's wordless reaction tells us that just because Michael's heroic sendoff has begun, it doesn't mean he can't still be an insensitive jerk for a line or two. He brings up what Holly said about Packer's earlier remarks in the kitchen, but Packer plays it off, even claiming that Holly thought it was hilarious. Michael says that maybe Packer's been on the road too long, and Packer takes the point. "Don't give up on me," he pleads. What?
Michael brings Packer back up to the bullpen to make a public apology to Kevin. Kevin tries to beg off, unconvincingly refusing to play the victim, but Michael insists. Packer non-apologizes, "I'm sorry if you were offended by my comments earlier." Michael's trying to get Kevin to accept it when Kelly steps forward, calling it the same kind of bullshit apology she gets from Ryan and adding, "Don't do it, Kevin." "Sometimes you overreact," Ryan pipes up from behind Kelly. Oscar agrees that a future with Packer is a future of rude comments followed by half-assed apologies, and Packer says, "Kevin, I am so sorry. You are skinny and you're a genius." Michael reels that in and says Packer has more in common with the rest of them than they think. He's a "survivor of divorce," like Stanley; never speaks to his kid, like Meredith; and never lived up to his parents' expectations, like Andy. "Angela loves pussycats, Packer loves --" Angela cuts him off, and Michael's only too happy to move on, saying, "Packer's going to be here until the day he dies, just like the rest of us." Or until April-ish. Although it's about time somebody noticed the zero turnover around here. Not counting the Stamford people, who's actually left for good since Devon? Devon who? Exactly.
Pam and Andy are out in her car, scuffing up Andy's new computer, so nobody suspects anything.
Michael enters the annex to catch Dwight and Jim prank-calling Packer. Apparently they've been using these chicken-fried accents to offer Packer a job at Corporate, and are now instructing him to go ahead and hop Jo's fence when he gets to her house. Packer obliviously THs that he got offered a new job in Tallahassee by Jo herself. It's at this point that we discover a redeeming quality in Packer. It turns out he's a huge alligator nerd, knowing every last genus and species. "Also, I'm a huge boob nerd."
Michael busts them while Dwight is telling Packer about the Harry Potter Experience that he needs to check out when he's down there. Jim quickly wraps up the call (maybe Pam needs to get some internal caller ID installed, already). Michael says they have to tell Packer, and when they decline, he insists, "He is my oldest friend. I am going to tell him." As he storms out, Jim loudly suggests, "Wait, why don't we come up with a plan that we're all happy about?"
Back in the bullpen, Andy and Pam put on a big show for everyone about the "crappy" "old" computer she supposedly found him on a shelf in the corner of the warehouse. Darryl does a double-take from inside his office, and both Andy and Pam secretly smile as Andy's Windows startup sound plays. There was a time when Michael would have called that resolution win-win-win, especially because he didn't have to get involved at all.
Packer comes into Michael's office to tell him he's going to Corporate, where he'll "Put the ass in Tallahassee." He wants to celebrate tonight, and when Michael starts to explain why that's not such a good idea, Packer breaks some news to Michael. "It's your girlfriend. She's uptight." He's gross some more, telling Michael that he'll invite him down to Florida and introduce him to the local "talent," miming some slow-motion ass-slapping. "Sounds great," Michael says. "I think you're really going to enjoy it down there." Michael's rapidy-rising maturity level for the win! Again!
From Michael's window, he and Holly watch Packer's Corvette tear out of the parking lot. Holly says she's sorry about his friend. "Nah, he's an ass," Michael says. They do a whole SNL bit together and end up hugging. Of course. And I take back all my bitching about Holly's long absence. Just having her around is fixing every funny thing that's wrong with Michael, one by one.
In the break room, Darryl mentions Andy's new computer from the warehouse, which was pretty lucky, seeing as how Darryl knows every inch of that warehouse. "Maybe you can go down there and find me some extra sick days," he suggests She admits that maybe she saw one. Darryl says five, and they agree on three. Pam, in a smug TH: "I'm full-on corrupt." And in a totally made-up job, no less.
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Watch the episode below, discuss it in our forums, then see the staff's most roastable moments!
What are people saying about your favorite shows and stars right now? Find out with Talk Without Pity, the social media site for real TV fans. See Tweets and Facebook comments in real time and add your own -- all without leaving TWoP. Join the conversation now!
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter , or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.