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Michael's finally ready to screen all of Threat Level Midnight for the office. Pam goes out of her way to make sure nobody laughs this time, but she forgot to tell Holly how much it means to Michael. Which, to be fair, so did Michael. When she doesn't love it as much as everyone else pretends to, he's so hurt he stops the screening, is mean to her, and then watches the rest with everyone else but her.
As for the movie itself, it's not as bad as you might think. Michael managed to get access to some pretty decent equipment, as it turns out. Maybe he knows some documentary filmmakers who owe him a favor or something. Anyway, Secret Agent Michael Scarn (Michael, who else) and his robot butler Samuel (Dwight) are called out of retirement by the President of the United States (Darryl) to foil an evil plot by Goldenface (Jim), who plans to blow up the NHL All-Star Game. Scarn learns to play hockey from a mysterious guru (Creed) and goes on the ice undercover, preventing the explosion and saving most of the hostages (except for the one played by Toby, obviously). There are also cameos by Jan, Roy, Karen, Packer and Pam's mom Helene, as well as an actual dance number. Soon we will all be "Doing the Scarn."
In the end, Holly apologizes, and Michael realizes his movie's at Threat Level Midshite, but he's so cool with it he even laughs along with everyone else. Yeah, don't be messing things up with Holly this close to the finish line, dude.
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Want more? The full recap starts right below!The first odd thing is that Michael's in his office, busily typing at his computer. A delivery guy comes in with an overnight envelope -- inside of which is a rather large hand-cannon. Oh, no! Is this how Steve Carell leaves the show? The delivery guy starts shooting (while noisy, the gun has neither recoil nor muzzle flash), but Michael's too fast; he literally dodges the bullets until the revolver is empty. The music swells, Michael draws a pair of automatics and opens fire, and the (now unarmed) delivery guy goes limp against the doorway --although there's not a drop of blood on him until after we cut away and cut back to him. Michael regards the body and quietly says, "Cleanup on aisle five."
THREAT LEVEL MIDNIGHT!
And if you don't know what Threat Level Midnight is, I'm not sure why you're reading this, but maybe first you should read this. Back in the real world, Michael THs, "After three years of writing, one year of shooting, four years of reshooting, and two years of editing, I have finally completed my movie, Threat Level Midnight." Aww, yeah.
After the credits, Erin "drags" Michael into the bullpen to announce that he's finished his movie and might just let everyone watch it if they really, really want to. Reactions vary, from excited to really excited, with Jim and Pam at the latter end of the spectrum. There's a flashback to a rough-cut screening in the conference room, which Michael shut down when everyone laughed. Well, you know, they thought it was a comedy. As Michael goes to invite Holly, Pam stands up and reminds everyone to behave this time. "Thanks, Mom," Creed says sincerely.
Holly's all excited, holding the hand-drawn movie poster Michael made. Oddly, this is the first she's heard of Michael's opus. "I can't wait," she says. Maybe it would have been better if she'd had to.
Cut to the conference room, where Michael starts the movie and everyone applauds. Michael's in the back row with Holly so he can see everyone's reactions. We open on "Scarn Manor" (actually a stock photo of a mansion), where a scrapbook's worth of clippings is hung on a wall, describing Michael Scarn saving the NFL, MLB, and NBA all star games, and his tragic marriage to Catherine Zeta-Jones (complete with Photoshopped pictures of the Michael and CZJ together, if by "Photoshopped" you mean "nail scissors and Scotch tape). Stanley's voice narrates that Scarn's is an interesting story, as we see one last newspaper clipping announcing that Michael Scarn is to retire and become a mild-mannered paper salesman.
Cut to Scarn's bedroom (which looks a lot like Michael's bedroom in his condo). His butler, Samuel (played by Dwight) enters with a breakfast tray to wake him up. Dwight THs about playing the robot butler, although Michael THs, "Dwight does not play a robot." Back in the movie, Samuel wakes up Michael (and the bottle of JD he was cuddling) to tell him the president needs him for a mission. When Scarn groggily protests, Samuel tells him, "It's Goldenface." Scarn rasps, "This makes it personal." You know, the camerawork in this pretty movie is actually pretty decent. Where did Michael ever find people who knew how to shoot?
Cut to a tiny Oval Office set (actually the conference room), where Darryl is playing the president. If Michael was shooting this for five years, why is Darryl without the goatee he's always had until just last week? In the present day, Darryl THs, "I thought it would be good for my daughter to see a black man as president, even in a silly home movie. What a stupid waste of time." President Darryl tells Scarn and Samuel that Goldenface has hidden a bomb in the stadium where the NHL all-star game is happening, and taken all the concessions staff hostage to boot. The POTUS is particularly motivated to resolve this crisis because he owns the stadium. Michael flips a coin to decide, "Best out of seven." Michael's editing cranks up the suspense as much as possible considering we're watching a series of coin flips, until the last one comes up heads. "Looks like there's gonna be a cleanup in aisle five," he says. Big round of applause.
After the ads, we get to meet the hostages, who include Kelly, Kevin, Toby, Pam, and Roy (who doesn't get any lines and who I totally missed on first viewing, but luckily Wing Chun bailed me out). They're all wearing aprons and sitting in the warehouse surrounded by curling rocks. Nice touch, Michael. Or maybe they're just in the basement under the Scranton ice rink. Oh well, either way. The hostage played by Kevin says nobody's coming, and there's a dramatic swivel-chair reveal of a sinister man in a black suit holding a gold-plated gun, wearing a gold tie, gold pocket square, and gold face-paint. This would be Goldenface, played by Jim. Goldenface announces his plan to lure Scarn there, kill everyone, dig up his dead wife, and "hump her real good." Jim explains to us in a TH, "I took the role to impress a receptionist, who will remain nameless." Yes, that would be embarrassing for her. Or him.
As we see Michael fake-driving through the "rain," Stanley narrates that with the game three days away and all sold out, the only way Scarn could get in was in a uniform. So he goes to learn to play hockey from "Cherokee Jack." At the Scranton skating rink, "Cherokee Jack" (Creed in a buckskin jacket) makes Scarn mop the ice. Training montage set to Billy Joel's "Running on Ice " (don't worry, I never heard it before either), while three Dave Barry page-a-day calendar sheets flutter to the floor. At the end of this time, Scarn gets to trade his mop for a hockey stick and shoot goals.
Now there's a trial for the one civilian amateur who gets to play in the All-Star game. It's down to three people: Scarn, Oscar in a speedskating leotard, and another guy in a shiny black bodysuit and hockey mask. Ryan (with obvious season-seven hair) gets ready to start the race, but when he's about to say "go," the guy with the hockey mask raises it and hisses, "Die!" Oh, no! It's Goldenface! He and Michael shoot at each other through the whole race (with Billy Joel's better-known "Pressure" playing). Both antagonists somehow survive the gunfight, but Goldenface's real plan has worked: the medal went to Oscar. "By the way, how's your wife doing?" Goldenface mocks. So then Scarn heroically goes into the locker room and strangles Oscar with an American flag. Things get pretty quiet in the screening room right around this point.
Back at Scarn Manor, Samuel "intercepts" a name on the computer: Jasmine Windsong, someone who works for Goldenface. There's also something about "The Funky Cat," which Scarn says is "The hippest jazz club in town." This really isn't any worse than how clues turn up on computers in real movies or TV shows, plus there's the benefit of our not having to sit through a boring explanation of how it came up. Scarn gets up and hands his tea to Samuel, none too carefully. Dwight starts to emote a cyborg freak-out as the liquid spills down his front. Robot butler, remember?
We can now tell we're in The Funky Cat (although Dwight wondering why Michael cut the part with his circuit board malfunctioning and "what was the point of spilling the drink on me?") Anyway, back in the club, a set I don't recognize, he sees Jasmine Windsong (played by Jan) singing something with the lyrics "They call me Jasmine Windsong" while spread out on the piano. Wherever the real Jan is, she pretends to be happy Michael finished his movie, although she clearly can't wait to get away.
Back in the movie, Scarn's at the piano while Jasmine is singing gibberish (even more than Jan usually does). He's confused until he records it on a Dictaphone, then plays the tape backwards to hear her singing, "The hostages are under the stadium." Clever, and completely nonsensical. Just then a guy in the wings (it's actually Hide from the warehouse) shoots Jan in the throat with a blowdart, and she flops over on her back with her face in Scarn's. "Check, please," Scarn quips.
Meanwhile, Goldenface shoots his first hostage: Toby. The movie shows his papier-mâché head blow apart from like six different angles. Michael admits that was the most expensive shot in the movie (which I don't believe for a minute), but "It was intrergral [sic] to the story."
Scarn and Samuel burst into the basement, and Scarn's not too upset about the dead hostage. "That man was a wanted animal-rapist," he informs Goldenface. Samuel demands to know where the bomb is, and Goldenface makes him repeat it like three times, just because Jim was messing with Dwight (and Michael apparently kept it in the final cut). Goldenface tosses the puck (which he says contains the bomb) to Scarn, and says he's going to kill him, "Unless you forgive me for murdering your wife." Michael looks at the puck and sees flashbacks of happier times with his wife...well, obviously those flashbacks only show himself. He spits at Goldenface, "Go puck yourself." He throws it back at Goldenface, who ducks and raises his golden gun. Samuel shouts "No!" and jumps in front of the bullet. "That was not scripted," Michael THs. Goldenface fires again, and the screen goes black.
But not for a commercial this time! Fade back up to an extreme close-up on a nurse's deep cleavage. "Oh God," Pam bursts out, recognizing her mom. Then she quickly turns back to Michael and adds. "So good." Scarn tells Nurse Helene, "It'll take a lot more than a bullet to the brain, lungs, heart, back and balls to kill Michael Scarn." She leans in and says they need to make sure everything's working properly. Fade out on Scarn's EKG going nuts. Good thing his brief relationship with Helene coincided with the shooting of that pivotal scene.
Back to the White House, where a fully recovered Scarn and Samuel have just reported that the bomb is hidden in the puck. "Is that where you hid the bomb, Goldenface?" the president says loudly. Enter Goldenface and his minion! In a shocking plot twist, the president is in on the plan to blow up the stadium for the insurance money! Of course Scarn knew it all along. But how is he going to get away from three men who are aiming machine guns at him? In a heart-tapping moment of glacially-paced action, he breaks the portrait of Lincoln over the president's head (Darryl leans forward accommodatingly), and they run out of the conference room Oval Office just as Goldenface and his minion open fire.
Scarn's walking in the rain, to a wanted poster of himself, wondering how it all went wrong. Stanley narrates that he hadn't lost his confidence; "he just wasn't using it right now." Michael walks into a bar and tells Billy the Bartender (Andy, doing some over-the-top accent that seems to be from the entire eastern seaboard at the same time) about his problems. Billy's got problems of his own, i.e., the TV behind the bar is showing nothing but static. But he produces a drink bought for Scarn by a whole table of bachelorettes -- Meredith, Phyllis, Angela, and -- Karen? "Ever banged an entire bachelorette party, baby?" Karen, now in Utica or whatever: "Why are you singling my line out? Like a million years later?" Billy the Bartender tosses a coin to a kid for the jukebox. Scarn tries to beg off, saying he hasn't done "that dance" since his wife died, but Billy insists people need to lean ho to "do the Scarn."
Dance number! No seriously. Scarn leads the bachelorettes, a bunch of warehouse guys, and the kid in doing "the Scarn," which is the lamest thing ever. Step to one side, wave your arm, step to the other side, wave your other arm, "make new friends, tie some yarn, that's how you do the Scarn!" Suddenly a drunk played by Todd Packer hollers, "If doing the Scarn is gay, then I'm the biggest queer on earth!" Don't ask me how Michael got him to say that. Jim can't stop laughing, and Michael stops the movie. Now everyone has to fluff up Michael's ego. "You should enter it in festivals!" Ryan says. "Or carnivals!" Kevin adds. Michael, gratified by the reaction, turns to Holly (who's been pretty stone-faced through the whole thing) to ask what she thinks. She says exactly the wrong thing: "Which part?" Aaaand, screening over. "Some people are really popping onscreen!" Andy protests.
Now that everybody's back at work, Michael visits Holly in the annex to fish for compliments. She says she loves that he got to work with all his friends, but that's not what he's looking for, saying it isn't Oceans 11, "Where you get together with all your friends and you just have fun and you don't care how it turns out." He wants to know her honest opinion, because he needs her to keep him grounded when this leads to his becoming a star. "Not worried about that," she says gently. Hurt, Michael says it was eleven years, and if she doesn't like it she doesn't believe in his dream. She points out that this is the first she's heard of it, and asks why he needs to make a movie at all. "Because if I don't have this, what do I have? Nothing." Holly takes justifiable exception to that, and he admits that he's also got his business book, Somehow I Manage, and his HBO comedy special, Here I Go Again, Dot Dot Dot," but he says none of those things are as real as his movie. True that. Holly finally has to point out that she's real. "Yeah, you're a real pain in the ass," Michael says, and announces he's going to go watch his movie with people who love it. "And I'm sorry I called you a pain in the ass. I'm angry, and I love you." He actually got out of that pretty clean.
In his office, Michael THs that he's a huge Woody Allen fan, "although I've only seen Antz," because of how well he took all the criticism comparing it to A Bug's Life. "I thought Bug's Life was better, much better than Antz. The point is, don't listen to your critics. Listen to your fans."
Michael returns to the bullpen and invites everyone else to watch the rest. They all cheer. Way to listen to your fans, Michael. But here's the thing, and this is going to sound pretty hypocritical coming from a Television Without Pity recapper: you have to respect Michael for actually making this happen. I mean, I've written screenplays, but that's as far as it's gone. I'm never going to put forth the effort to star in, cast, location-scout, direct, or produce any of them, let alone spend three minutes choreographing a dance number. Michael really marshaled an incredible amount of resources, if you think about it. As bad as it is (and it could have been worse, and would have been worse if I'd tried to make it), Michael deserves credit for making art and putting it out there. Even if it only stays out there as long as it receives rapturous praise.
Scarn (suited up in his hockey gear) and Samuel are back at the ice rink (with an actual hockey game going on now), and Samuel reminds him that he has to get to the puck before halftime or the stadium will explode. I'd point out that at least five days have passed in the movie since Stanley narrated that the game was three days away, but as a recapper, I've seen worse offenses against timelines on real shows just this year. Of course, they were all on ABC, so whatever. Scarn is just glad Cherokee Jack is there to cheer him on. "He died, " Samuel informs him with an awkwardly timed hand on Scarn's shoulder. Michael flashes a glycerin tear and says, "This one's for you, Cherokee Jack." In the screening room, Michael looks at the empty chair to him and suddenly feels the need to start doing DVD commentary about how this scene was filmed during an actual Scranton High School hockey game, while they were trying to get into the state tournament after an undefeated season. Too bad he got them DQed.
Then on to a tender scene that we can only hear, in which Goldenface is telling Hostage Pam his origin story, where he worked in a gold factory for a boss who only cared about money. Michael gets up to talk to Holly, who's waiting outside to apologize. She says it's a good movie, and he says ,"No, it's not," kissing her and saying, "But they really seem to be enjoying it." Well, look who's growing up.
There's only a minute and a half left in the first half of the All-Star game. The ghost of Cherokee Jack appears to Scarn, telling him to take out all his frustrations on the puck. More poorly-suppressed laughter in the screening room, but now it's coming from Michael. Onscreen, Scarn hits the puck so hard it flies clear out of the stadium. Samuel busts in and frees the hostages. The puck flies up into orbit and bounces off a satellite, (which looks like a much more expensive shot than Toby's exploding mannequin head) and the game's back on in the bar! A happy ending for Billy the Bartender! Goldenface sits in a yard counting his money, but the puck drops into his lap and explodes just as he's saying, "Oh, sh--!" Scarn hoists the hockey trophy triumphantly. Cherokee Jack must be so proud!
Back at Scarn Manor, he serves breakfast to himself and to Samuel (the latter in the form of a squirt of oil on the circuit board on Dwight's back). "Oh, yeah, I guess I did let him be a robot," Michael THs, like this is the first time he's ever watched the whole thing. Scarn says he loves being retired, but then he answers a call from the president recruiting him for another mission. After a long moment of deliberation, Scarn says, "Yeah, I'm in." The end! Everyone applauds, and Andy turns around and asks Michael, "Wait, isn't the president evil?" "Oh, yeah!" Michael says happily. "Yes, he is." Dwight thinks Scarn's trying to catch the president. "No, Dwight, he was being stupid," Michael says amiably. Can you believe how mellow he's being about this? Wow, Holly must be amazing in bed.
Now we see the narrator from the back, a gray-haired white dude in a wing chair in front of a fireplace who's still talking in Stanley's voice. He says we must be wondering how he knows so much about Michael Scarn. "Well, because I am Michael Scarn," Michael lip-syncs as the camera circles around to reveal his face. Wink, and cue the "Do the Scarn!" song.
And the tag is the Threat Level Midnight closing sequence, which is '80s-style stills from the movie while Andy raps a terrible rap. Seriously, it's bad enough that I think he and Michael wrote it together.
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M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter , or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.