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America Ferrera (!), now working for a powerful NYC lobbyist, shows up in town with a time-sensitive immigration matter. After being stonewalled by David Lee and insulted by Howard Lyman, she tracks down Alicia Florrick to help with a "snitch visa" for a man in danger of deportation. While they get the deal signed, the criminal he's testifying against jumps bail, and then a mix-up puts our snitch on a bus -- to the same location on the Texas border as the criminal, essentially a death sentence.
Per Nathan Lane, Florrick/Agos needs to lose a full-time employee, which means Robyn Burdine. Panicked, she reaches out to Kalinda for help or advice, and then does her best to demonstrate her worth to F/A by attacking Natalie's case from several angles over the course of the day (most of them at or above Kalinda levels of illegality). So while Cary and Alicia are tromping from court to court trying to get this bus turned around, she's impersonating assassins, starting domestic disturbances, and generally being a crazed bad-ass. In the end, she wins the guy's safety and -- at least for now -- her own.
L/G -- which Will is rebranding, KFC-style, as simply "LG" -- is set on opening a New York branch in the near future, which sits well with the partners but also puts David Lee on high alert as far as possible infiltrators, complications, etc. He puts a bug in that horrible tattoo girl's ear about Will's heartbreak over Alicia, and in the end Will admits to sleeping with Alicia at some point before she left the firm. Because tattoo girl's all about self-respect, they have a conversation about how she is "made of chocolate" (?), and things go back to their nasty status quo. Plus, there is the struggle to take away F/A's first new client when they realize who Natalie works for (but in the end, no dice).
But over at the Governor's office, things have never been wilder. Struck mad by Natalie Flores's reappearance in an otherwise dry season for him, storywise, Eli Gold runs around Chicago acting romantic and antic by turns, and eventually kisses her in a restaurant. So into the middle of that, Marilyn Chambers wedges herself as usual, amping up friction between Peter and Eli while also plying her various pregnancy tricks to keep them both on edge. It's annoying mostly because it centers on a redistricting speech and they all act like there are two fair and balanced sides to gerrymandering and vote suppression. Which I guess they have to, being what they are, but it's still sleazy as shit.
In the end, a visit to the new F/A from the Governor involves about ten of his employees, and a newly buddy-buddy Peter and Marilyn. While Peter loves Alicia's new offices -- and loves just how delightedly and excitedly she herself loves them -- there's a little bit of dissonance. The last thing Alicia needs, on this greatest of days since the split, is another horror story on the horizon. But we end with Matthew Ashbaugh's Jawbox playing a lightweight cover of "Dream Dream Dream," and a very happy Alicia (and Car/eys) indeed. For now.
Week: Jackie Florrick starts shit with Idgie Threadgoode, an Alicia client is accused of domestic terrorism, and the great LG headhunt begins with a quirky Irish lawyer (whom we can hope isn't too quirky). As the penultimate episode before the nuclear event (and winter hiatus), one imagines it will move some more pieces around -- and that Marilyn will continue to barf, of course -- but other than that, who knows.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!PREVIOUSLY
Alicia and Cary grabbed a bunch of fourth-year associates and left Lockhart/Gardner for greener pastures, which turned out to be her living room. A week later, Will was still pretty hard up, emotionally speaking, as evidenced by his sorrows-drowning with a repulsive tattooed yoga enthusiast. It has now been a month or so, we've lost a couple of unlikeable recidivists to the mothership, and over at the Governor's Chicago Office they're slowly becoming acquainted with the barfing, Pop-Tart scarfing concept of Ethics.
LG
Will: "In three months we're opening a New York office! And so we're rebranding. The firm is now called LG, just LG. Like KFC, or The Former Learning Channel."
Lyman: "I remember one time Jon Hamm was on like Colbert or something and it was so hard watching him struggle to explain this basic concept about AMC and then I realized it was because he wasn't entirely clear on..."
Will: "Not now, Howard. Nobody wants to hear your hater talk. That man is a legend. Okay, now which of our clients are to leave Florrick/Agos?"
Bonus Dick -- will you never disappear? -- explains that Sonya Rucker from The Wire and the Wabash Fund are wavering, but ChumHum is still settled on F/A because of how the new Governor of Illinois is so delightfully corrupt.
Bonus: "Imagine that I am here because I hated working out of a living room, and not because the only word I understand is bonuses."
LG: "But how did clients not figure out that your law firm was imaginary?"
Bonus: "Over lunch, that's how. Corporate bitches be hungry as hell! But now they are finally moving into their real, sad offices. An old t-shirt factory on Grand that has played home to a literary 'little magazine,' a suite of sets for a gay adult film series with a vampire theme, and multiple hauntings by historical child laborers."
David Lee: "That is so ghetto. What is that, twenty bucks a foot?"
Will: "Oh, Alicia."
Bonus: "Part of but not the entire story is that Marilyn Chambers is ruining everything for everyone. Peter's unearned and laughable reputation for squeaky-clean living has really got our corporate clients on the run."
David Lee: "I hope you understand what it means when I, David Lee, pronounce that guy a fucking putz. I miss Carey Zepps."
SPEAKING OF
Will makes out with the horrible tattoo girl and it's horrible. Apparently this week she's learning to drive a car? Something with computers, because he's into saving strippers and sending them to night classes? Or just taking a DUI course, most likely. I hate her. I hate her macramé clothing that she wears without shame, as though it is people clothing --although to be fair I do not hate that she is now wearing clothing. I hate the way she bites and licks Will's ears like they got Nutella on 'em. I hate the blackened soles of her stupid feet.
David Lee: "What the fuck is that."
Diane: "That's called a rebound. Just be glad it's not Edelstein. That bitch was worse."
Admin: "Mr. Lee? That woman is waiting."
David Lee: "I have no time for women today. Tell her to fuck off."
Diane: "Wait, who is fucking off?"
David Lee: "Some chick who used to work here, I dunno. Not a huge corporate client, and not Family Law, so fuck it."
Lyman: "I'll see to this!"
Diane: "But Howard, you're not really a lawyer."
David Lee: "And this isn't really a client. Let him play."
PSYCH IT'S NATALIE FLORES
Lyman: "So what, you want to come back to work here?"
Natalie: "No, I want to hook you up with a serious NYC lobbyist."
Lyman: "Sorry, I don't understand Spanish. But I do speak Dem Titties!"
Natalie: "...Cool, I'm gonna bounce. You should probably retire. From like life."
Natalie: "Okay, not really getting the personal touch I expected."
Reception: "That's probably because Alicia left, with all the sunshine and dimples."
Natalie: "Could you hook a girl up with her address, maybe?"
Reception: "Okay, but be warned. Chicago's t-shirt district can be a dangerous place, full of Pumpkin-craving automatons, low-cost rental prices and leprechauns in love."
SWEET F/A
Cary and Carey do a little dance. Alicia does it with them in spirit but not in body because she does not roll like that. The place is kind of awesome for somebody who is dying at the end of SLC Punk or if you were Hansel from Zoolander maybe it would be cool. Or a homeless hobo with really high architectural standards, like, for example I would love it there. You know who else can see it? Alicia.
Cary: "We can't meet with ChumHum here! He'll know it's not on purpose!"
Carey: "Polish the floors and leave everything else whatever, Ikea, like a bowl of fruit and a mini-fridge of energy drinks, call it a day. Neil Gross still won't love the hipster startup thing, but most old people are by and large stupid enough to buy it."
Alicia: "He's right. I fucking love this."
Natalie: "Oh, this is a hip new startup? Just kidding, it looks like a murder here."
Alicia: "We'll get some beanbag chairs and lava lamps or something. A half-pipe? Whatever is cool, I mean. A poster of The Matrix. Bitcoins."
Natalie: "Anyway, I need your help with a snitch visa. The prosecutor is up my guy's ass to take the deal, because he's mid-trial and the guy's a flight risk..."
Alicia: "So this is happening right now? In realtime? Tomas Ruiz, you say?"
Natalie: "I knew him in school. I went to Xavier's Academy For Exceptionally Old Men."
Alicia: "The defendant is um, Lalo Hierra. Won't we all be brutally killed by the Latin Kings or something?"
Natalie: "Yes."
Alicia: "And you can't pay us anything."
Natalie: "Correct."
Several feet away, the partners at Florrick/Agos discuss the case in loud voices. The thing about an open-concept law office is that it's maybe the only thing stupider than a law office entirely made out of glass walls. Just puttin' it out there.
Alicia: "No, he can't pay. He's undocumented, he owns a body shop."
Carey: "This time we can do pro bono."
Cary: "Are you crazy?"
Carey: "No, I'm aware that Natalie Flores works for a New York lobbyist named Joe Pallotta who controls $90M in client billing and has zillions of contacts."
Alicia: "You guys, it's our first new client!"
Boys: "Yay! Yay for clients."
Carey: "Hey Cary, I was talking to Clarke Hayden..."
Cary: "About me? What did he say about me?"
Carey: "The usual. But uh, he said we need to cut payroll, at least one FTE..."
Cary: "We promised. We said Come out on this limb, we can't then jounce the limb."
Carey: "Burn one person or burn everybody, though. Who was the last in?"
Robyn, whispering quietly, in hiding: "...Robyn Burdine."
Oh, her sad sad face. I didn't even know she did sad! But you know what, she does, and even more, it's the saddest sad of all sads. I guess when you're Robyn Burdine you gotta pay for your backwards pizza and ice cream sandwiches and Bioré strips and whatever else she eats.
Cary: "But she's Robyn Burdine! And what if we need to investigate things?"
Carey: "We don't seem to be investigating much lately, though. Except like in every episode, but other than that how helpful has she been?"
Cary: "I'll talk to her, but not until Friday."
She walks away from this eave she just dropped and it seems like maybe that's it, lights out for the old girl. She could live in a car, or a cave, or live in a cage or glass box in the corner of a strange man's loft in exchange for her rent. She could live under a Chinese restaurant, or be the night watchman at a very fancy stable, or live atop a flag pole like they did in the old days when they felt strongly about things. All of that would make sense. Much stranger to think about her having feelings, or like... doing laundry.
PROSECUTORIAL AGITATION
Tomas: "I mean, stop yelling at me. I've lived here for nine years, the shop pays taxes..."
Guy: "But you're undocumented! And you let Lalo Hierra use your shop to meet with gangsters. That means you heard all kinds of things! Do you wanna be deported?"
Alicia: "Hi there. Get out of this room."
Guy: "What? Who are you?"
Alicia: "This man's lawyer. Get out of this room, son."
Guy: "Mr. Ruiz, you can have a lawyer present but I must warn you..."
Alicia: "You should warn me, because I'm his lawyer, and also get the fuck out of this room, okay?"
Guy: "Any delay in signing this snitch visa..."
Alicia: "You need him more than he needs you. What's your name, little fella?"
AUSA Dolan: "AUSA Dolan."
Alicia: "GTFO so I don't have to show you the back of my hand, AUSA Dolan."
But Tomas is totally taking it either way, because he can't leave his wife and two kids, which is a worse certainty than the possibility of being murdered horribly.
Dolan: "Yeah obviously he'll do it, there was no question. So why the strong-arm?"
Alicia: "You so why the strong-arm. Give us 24-hour protection for him and the family, and immunity for them from deportation."
Dolan: "I would have promised him all of that!"
Alicia: "Exactly, but now you're going to actually put it in the visa, and we can come testify whenever you want. Cool?"
What Lalo likes to do is, he likes to cut off your head and hang you from a bridge. Maybe a dozen at a time? It's hard for me to imagine what one person could do to me that I would think that was a reasonable thing to do in return, but a dozen people? I can't think of a dozen people in my lifetime that have made me want to raise my voice, much less cut off their head and hang them from a bridge. That's like two people max.
And if you're confused about who would want to cut off of your head and hang you from a bridge -- which again, what are the choices that have led to this point; what, do you recap Doctor Who that you have pissed off people that much? -- well, luckily your finer decapitators have a calling card. Such as a .357 shell with the letters LC sharpied onto it. LC for El Culebra, "The Snake," just like AMC, or LG: Another nickname Eduardo Hierra has earned besides Lalo.
So not only does Lalo have that evidence to be stressed about -- plus of course whatever it was about the corporate culture of the underworld that made him decide decapitating and hanging dozens of people from bridges was the cost of doing business in the first place, which I would imagine is pretty stressful -- now he also has Tomas Y. Ruiz in the courtroom with him. Both Dolan and Alicia are plenty relieved by the amount of fear on Lalo's face when they walk in, as opposed to Tomas and his family, but then, the amount of skin they have in this game is zero point zero zero.
SWEET F/A
Marilyn: "Eli and I are here to negotiate the governor's visit to the firm, which seems to be going well. Do you mind if I eat a pumpkin pop-tart? It's like my whole personality."
Alicia: "Which you'd think would be an improvement. Now, what's this about telling me and my husband what we can and can't do?"
Eli: "Is this really a law firm or are you making some kind of app?"
Marilyn: "I just don't want Peter to have his picture taken here and you can't be sending out press releases about his visits and shit like that."
Alicia: "So basically you just wanted to underline that you think I'm an opportunistic pig, by telling me basic shit that should go without saying."
Marilyn: "What else do I ever do? Besides barf and eat pumpkin foods, because I am the worst."
Alicia: "How is this a fucking full-time job? Anyway, suck a dick as usual. You will not be policing the boundaries of my relationship with my husband. I've already got every member of both our families on that beat."
Natalie arrives with the news that Lalo jumped bail and flew to Nuevo Laredo, then leaves, as Eli goes abruptly nuts. Once she's gone -- since Tomas doesn't have to testify anymore, everything is over -- he breaks free of a seemingly legitimately worried Marilyn and runs downstairs and onto Grand Ave. He goes this way and that! He cannot find her; he whines like a hound. Finally giving up, he heads back toward the factory, and bumps right into her.
Eli: "How long are you in town?"
Natalie: "A few days. Hey, congrats on the governorship!"
Eli: "And to you, on joining the Outsider Group."
Natalie: "We follow each other. That's adorable. We're adorable."
Eli: "Well, it was nice seeing you. Hey, can we have dinner? Tonight? What time is it, can we have dinner right now? Can we be having dinner instead of this conversation?"
Natalie: "Obviously. Call me."
GARDNER
Natalie's lobbyist boss Joe Pallotta we've been hearing so much about calls finally, and Will spends the entire conversation with him in one ear and tattoo girl's tongue in the other ear. They are like a Bond villain and moll from a Cinemax porn parody of a James Bond movie. It makes my tummy rumble. Anyway, they all try to figure out why Natalie hasn't come by like Joe P just said she was going to, and then David remembers blowing her off. In all fairness, he does make a Macaulay Culkin face when this happens, which kind of makes up for it.
Lyman: "It was a good meeting! She liked me!"
Diane: "Meaning that it was not a good meeting, and she did not like you. What was the case about?"
Lyman: "Some Mexican illegal alien thing?"
Kalinda: "OMG."
Lyman: "I complimented her..."
Diane: "OMG."
Lyman: "I told her how great Mexicans are..."
Will: "OMG."
Lyman: "How sexy they are... Oh wait, there it is. I hear it. I heard it that time."
Reception: "Yeah, and then she asked for Alicia Florrick's address. And I gave it to her, because that girl looked like she had seen and then been sexually harassed by a racist ghost. She needed a win."
On the other hand, Tomas just got deported. It was some random roundup and he wasn't excused even though it was in the visa, so now his wife is calling Alicia from outside like, the very bus that they are putting him on. And guess where it's going? Nuevo Laredo, population Lalo Hierra. I hope you're not attached to your stomach or your head, Tomas Ruiz, because in a couple hours you are not going to be attached to those things in a very real sense.
KALINDA
So while Alicia -- pissed as hell because not only did AUSA Dolan pretty much just murder her client out of pique, but also took away her bad-assest moment since the "suite of offices" speech a month ago -- works that out, Kalinda gives us the rarest of all Kalinda faces: Vague surprise.
Kalinda: "I mean this in the most supportive affectionate way, but you need to get the fuck up out of here. They cannot see you in LG and they cannot see you talking to me."
Robyn: "I am dying. Inside my heart, where the puppy that provides my body with energy runs on its ceaseless hamster wheel. I am on the outs at Sweet F/A."
Kalinda: "Yeah, but you can't... You can't even be here, much less work here."
Robyn: "Why not?"
Kalinda: "Because the only person that gets how special you are is me, and after the shit you pulled you'd have to be Elsbeth amounts of awesome to wipe your slate. You don't know what it's like here. Will is, like, annexing. He's letting David Lee run arena fights between third-years right over there in the conference room. You could leave here with a GSW, I'm not even exaggerating."
Robyn: "Then do the Kalinda thing and TELL ME WHAT TO DO."
Kalinda: "Fine. Do the Kalinda thing. Be indispensable. Be harder to leave behind than to hold onto. Listen, I got laid off at the SA's office five years ago, and it fucked me up, just like it's fucking you up. And that made me Kalinda. That girl Lela burned all up."
Robyn: "I am... Not you."
"No, I'm not talking about being me. I'm talking about being you. So hard and so bright that it hurts to look at you. Burn off everything that is not your willpower and what is left will be a knife, okay? Until it's safe again. And then maybe you turn back human, maybe you don't.
"Or maybe you think you never will, and then you finally meet somebody that makes sense to you and isn't afraid of you, and you think maybe they've been holding onto it for you -- onto your heart for you -- all this time. You might even get to think for a second that you don't have to burn alone anymore.
"But until that day -- and whatever happens , no matter how hard it turns out -- you have to be lightning. You have to call down the storm, okay? What's the magic word?"
Fairly obvious, when you think about it.
DINNER
Eli: "I'm not taking my phone call at this dinner. Do you see me not answering my phone?"
Natalie: "It's cute."
Eli: "Literally anyone could be phoning me right now on my phone. Do I care? No. Only about you."
Natalie: "That's so sweet and unnecessary and all about you. Oh, my phone's ringing."
So she's single, if you're wondering -- her "Cirque du Soleil boyfriend," per Eli -- and then talk turns to her plans for the week. Specifically, her plan to see Peter speak at a minority voters conference, specifically about vote suppression.
Or, as the show cutely describes it, the unfortunate "marginalization" that comes about through "redistricting." Like gerrymandering is this thing like global warning, where it just happens and nobody even knows why, or could even hazard a guess, or you know what frankly we probably shouldn't even be talking about this, in case it scares the money.
Eli: "Oh right. Yeah, we canceled that. Turns out if you talk about the people who control voting, they control it so you don't get votes! Weird how the system just coincidentally was designed to work that way. Oh well, I guess it's a really nuanced issue with two very balanced sides. I guess that's the mangled moral of this story."
Natalie: "Good thing I wasn't listening because that was some fucking BS. I gotta go, my guy just got deported."
COUNTY
AUSA Dolan: "You sure are taking this hard."
Alicia: "Bitch you just mailed him to Abu Dhabi moments after writing an official document about literally nothing other doing that, with a guaranteed murder on the other end. Yeah, I'm taking it hard."
AUSA Dolan: "But I mean, like, them's the breaks. You know?"
Alicia: "Explain!"
AUSA Dolan: "You read the language, I saw you do it. He didn't provide testimony that led to a conviction."
Alicia: "He earned it either way! Why are you doing this?"
AUSA: "Seems like just to be a dick? I don't even know. Maybe I'm having problems in my marriage or something. Maybe I am a racist and my job is very ironic."
11 HRS TO GO
F/A: "Oh, see it's the wrong Tomas Ruiz. This one, middle-initial I, is a con man! Insurance fraud and the stealing of airbags! A crime that exists and is so shitty! He deserves to be deported to Laloland."
Alicia: "Sure wish one or both of them had a SSN but..."
Robyn: "So find the other Tomas Ruiz. Duh."
Car/ey: "And how exactly..."
Robyn: "I'll deal with it. Laters."
Then she just grinds her super cool cigarette into the floor and vanishes. Robyn Burdine is goin' ghost and flossin' ICE. Bring me the head of Tomas Ruiz, Robyn Burdine. But, you know, the other one.
LG
LG: "You know, it's actually kind of hard to explain Howard..."
David Lee: "You know, and I know, that this ends with me puttin' a pillow over his stupid face during one of those disgusting no-pants naps he loves so much. Just say the word. Or else it's gonna come as something of a surprise."
LG: "Okay, let's just get Natalie back in here and chill with her. Because you know that F/A can't actually handle a client this big. The poor dear things."
Tattoo girl is helping herself to the breakroom snack bar so David Lee helps himself to some awkward cockblocking attempts so that she will just go the fuck away.
David Lee: "FYI you are a rebound. From Alicia."
Tattoo: "Who is that?"
David Lee: "Why don't you ask him? And I mean really put the screws to him. Make sure he talks about it and thinks about it as much as possible and then associates the black hole of depression it causes with you, you and your dirty-soled feet and your needles, you. You and your yoga and your grotesque ear-chewing nonsense."
TOMAS
Robyn: "I'm a skip tracer, that's why I look cracked out and over it. You want a percentage of the bond? Tell me where's your friend Tomas."
Roomie: "He isn't here but I can give you his girlfriend's address."
Robyn: "There is truly no honor among thieves. Or halfway-house buddies."
GOV OFC
Marilyn: "Your wife is insane. Just because I want the two of you to clear every conversation you have through me..."
Peter: "Uh, she's right on this one? You will not be policing our marriage, thanks."
Marilyn: "Also, we canceled your gerrymandering speech. For reasons that have nothing to do with my department, and are in fact the opposite of it."
Eli: "Actually that's back on. You're 0 for 2, Mitch."
Marilyn: "Eli, didn't we agree that Peter is not allowed to talk about anything or have opinions about anything, ever? Especially a thing that has only one ethical side which is also the loser side?"
Eli: "Yeah, but minority vote suppression actually matters, so... Have you never changed your mind before?"
Marilyn: "No!"
Eli: "Well, this is what it looks like."
In a word, incandescent.
BABYMAMA
Robyn Burdines up her hair real good and wipes her makeup all around her face to look like the kind of lady who needed a child support check several months ago but had to make some decisions between then and now, when everything is blowing up. Which who knows, maybe that's how she feels and that's why she is Burdining herself upon the flames today: Maybe she looks on the outside the way she feels inside. That's how I ended up with that seapunk mohawk last year, so I know how far it can go.
She keeps shoving her foot harder and harder inside the chick's apartment screaming about child support while the chick pretends she doesn't know him, because he is a criminal and because Robyn is pretty intense even when she's hinged -- which she is not today -- but the second Robyn disappears, the girlfriend goes straight to house number three, where Robyn probably invents a third personality that is even more everyday/conventionally "fucked up" than even the dead-inside skip-tracer or the wild-eyed single mom.
I keep trying to iterate that series in my head and see what the one would be, but they're all either super dark, or just like, Robin Thicke. Richie Incognito. Oh, and there's your recap title.
JUDGE REARDON
Talks in Bob Dylan lyrics, which is like a regular judge quirk with some quirk on top, so we won't dignify it. I remember James LeGros first from Ally McBeal. I was so jealous of Lisa Edelstein's character, to be dating those teeth.
They yell back and forth for a while, for quite a while actually, about whether or not Tomas or Dolan is breaking their deal since technically Tomas never lived up to the letter of the snitch visa, but on the other hand Dolan's being a murdering dick for no reason. It's another argument that doesn't actually have two sides, but weirdly pretends that it does, and it's not that interesting. I just don't get why the guy is so into doing this, especially once they figure out it's not even the right Tomas Ruiz.
I mean, if the system worked perfectly they would both be on that bus, I guess. But the snitch visa isn't about immigration law, it's about this man being brave enough to put his body in physical danger in order to prove his value to the country where he lives. To put himself in the line of fire, for his home. It just doesn't seem so complicated to me.
10 HRS
Robyn: "Meanwhile, guess what I have? The other Tomas Ruiz."
F/A: "Really? Like in two hours? That is phenomenal. But not in a way where you'll get any other feedback."
LeGros: "So but like, your guy is a criminal, though. And he didn't actually do anything for the US Attorney..."
F/A: "Oh, now it is about how our client was mistakenly deported because Immigration confused him with someone else."
LeGros: "Yeah but he should be deported, and also he already was."
Alicia: "I know! So time is of the essence!"
And with that, they are sent on a round-robin to every court in the land, standing with the Board of Immigration Appeals, who sends them to an immigration judge for an asylum claim who sends them to get a boot for Hawkeye so they can trade it for a picture of a horse for the Colonel so he will let them have a pizza party, and so on, and then backwards up the chain again. With ten hours until Tomas Ruiz walks out of a bus and into a nightmare of poor hospitality.
GOV OFC
Eli: "I am very angry and stompy!"
Natalie: "Even when I show up?"
Eli: "No. You get the jack o' lantern of my unpracticed face creeping into its first smiles."
Natalie: "I brought you dried apricots from the shoppe downstairs, because I have no idea what I am doing or why. Do not eat them."
Eli: "Okay, but I will and they will taste delicious. Bye."
Then he goes running out to chase her down, again, and gives her a speech that if they don't do this, they'll never get the chance to do it again.
Eli: "I'm not a running-after-people sort."
Natalie: "I not a buying-gross-dried-apricots sort."
Eli: "Who ever would be? They are like ears. It's like eating an ear."
Marilyn Chambers can sense Eli's happiness rising from the depths like the Kraken and knows that she must end it, at any cost. Also, she has a brain for faces and Natalie Flores's face is memorable anyway, so now she knows why Eli defied her about the redistricting speech, and suddenly a thing that was none of her business becomes twice the amount of none of her business. Usually I like Marilyn Chambers because she is weird and can't even put on a jacket right without weirding it up, but this episode she's not even a person, just a Marilyn Chambers-spouting Marilyn Chambers barf-machine.
SPEAKING OF BARF MACHINES
Tattoo: "Who's Alicia?"
Will: "I'm sorry, were you not aware that you are a rebound jump-off? I'm the self-destructive risk taker, you're the walking cliché of daddy issues and self-hatred? Did we not...?"
Tattoo: "Oh right, right. My bad. Your coworker David Lee is by far the worst, PS."
7.5 HRS
AUSA Dolan: "It has become personal, apparently, which is why I am now trying to block this asylum claim that is literally about providing Ruiz asylum from me being a dick."
Alicia: "He is totally persecuted, though! Not by just you, Assistant US Attorney, but also like, by life."
Cary: "I have a report that says snitches are a bona fide minority that faces persecution. Especially in Mexico. They get stitches. Often in ditches, Your Honor."
Dolan: "Why would they shank him for being a snitch when he never actually snitched?"
Alicia: "SOPHISTRY!"
I love it when she accuses people of sophistry because it's isometric to calling them a dick, in that you will never accuse someone of semantics or sophistry without them also being a dick in the first place, so whenever she says it there's a little asterisk of her playground-tattling on the person, for being a dick. "Your Honor, AUSA Dolan is acting totally fake!" And in this case, even though Dolan is being a fake dick, Judge Bob Dylan still has to be like, "[Old people joke I don't understand.]"
Will: "Natalie? It's Will Gardner. My partner here at LG racisted you yesterday?"
Natalie: "It's okay because my new firm is doing a bang-up job."
Will: "Really? Because they are operating out of a bathroom sink, while I have the ultimate power that comes with moral relativism."
Natalie: "Now that you mention it, Alicia is getting spanked. I'll meet with you, but that's it."
Will: "Tattoo Girl, you and your diseases are good luck. In some ways."
Tattoo: "That is not the first time I have heard that."
Will: "Not all the ways, but some of them for sure."
SWEET F/A
F/A: "I wish Tomas Ruiz was gay. Or transgendered. Or politically subversive."
Cary: "I know! I wish his life was way harder than it already is."
Carey: "What about a blood feud? Something between the Ruizes and the Hierras? It's a tiny little loophole that can work for us, because of racism. I mean, who knows what really happens in Mexico? Do any of us, really?"
Robyn: (Swoosh, without a word. Off to manufacture a blood feud.)
Cary: "Have you noticed that everyone's changing?"
Alicia: "Yeah."
I really wanted him to be like, "Robyn's really reminding me of somebody but I can't think of who" and Alicia to be like, "Yeah, me neither. More wine?"
GOV
Marilyn: "I'm concerned about Eli."
Peter: "Uh, yeah. He's evil? It's fine."
Marilyn: "But he flip-flopped on the..."
Peter: "He keeps an open mind. It's one of the reasons I love him."
Marilyn: "In this case, that mind was being influenced by Natalie Flores, of the lobbyist Joe whatever it was."
Peter: "Are you suggesting he's on the payroll of a New York lobbyist?"
Marilyn: "No, I think it's personal."
Peter: "Then shut the fuck up about it. Jesus."
She gets pregnant all over the place, wheezing and moaning and urping and eating her stupid Pop-Tarts, and he is gallant and everything, and they have a Moment. Once she's befuddled him past whatever his point was -- which I can remember, even if he can't, which is that she should shut the fuck up about it because it doesn't concern her in any way -- she's just like, "Okay, we're clear that I won and you're going to order Eli to stand down, despite his love feelings?" And Peter's just like "Pop taaaaarrrrrrts" and it's so dumb and he's so dumb and Mitch Chambers is pointless this week.
LG
As Robyn Burdine is inscribing a bullet with the "LC" of El Culebra in order to indicate that Tomas Ruiz's wife and children will be murdered sometime soon, and then sliding it into the mail slot of her house like she's not got enough shit going on right now, Lyman is meeting with the partners once again to explain himself about Natalie.
But there is a certain kind of comedy that I find pretty slippery when it comes to this, and it has to do with audience more than intent, so it's like, "How many racist one-liners can Howard Lyman crack in a row before it stops being a joke about Howard Lyman and starts being a stand-up routine about wetbacks?" When does it stop being the character and start being the show? And the answer is, this many. Plus maybe one more.
And that's with the understanding also that no amount of Kalinda being in this scene leverages it, either. White people need to cut that shit out. Like the horrible gay marriage episode, having Owen in it didn't make it less horrible. It made it more horrible, partly because Owen is kind of awful but mostly because that's not how that works. And awkwardly cramming her into this scene might make you feel better and you might think it makes it look better, but nope. Just awkward.
GOV
Peter: "I'm calling off the speech again. Did you know that some people think that fair districting practices force ghettoes into existence? Some white vote suppressors do, anyway."
Eli: "That is stupid and I need to know why, because this redistricting amendment has legs, and I should have remembered that in the first place."
Peter: "So this isn't about anything or anybody else? No traveling pants were harmed in the making of this decision?"
Eli: "...I will punch a pregnant woman. I will do it without thinking twice."
Eli: "Listen, Cesar Milan, time you want to correct my behavior? Come to me."
Marilyn: "What? Pop-Tarts! I'm really pregnant. I'm pregnant all over this bitch!"
Eli: "I am so motherfucking sick of your motherfucking pregnancy."
And also, how is this a job? How is her full-time job just this, just sticking her arms in her pants where legs go and wandering around sticking her nose in? I think Ethics has a case of mission creep, that's what I think. I think it started with Ethics and ended in a strange form of OCD where instead of looking at paperwork, ledgers, accounting -- the place where corruption actually happens -- she's more interested in wherever everybody's boner is at.
"Where's your boner at? None of my business? Cool. Another day's hard work done."
LESS THAN 2 HRS
Dolan: "We realize that the blood feud thing is like, Sicilian or the Eastern Bloc. Right?"
Alicia: "Oh, I thought we were favoring the word over the spirit of the law when it suits us. Are we not doing that anymore? My bad."
Dolan: "But they don't hate him because he's a Ruiz, they hate him because he..."
Alicia: "Say it!"
Dolan: "I almost did, I almost said it. That was close. Your Honor, they hate him because he almost snitched, but then didn't. If this LC bullet is real, which wouldn't it be, that's the only reason."
Alicia: "Fine, then we want a T visa because his family was the victim of a crime, witness intimidation."
LeGros: "Bob Dylan says you need an immigration caseworker ."
Caseworker: "So the chain of custody is, Mrs. Ruiz got it and called Cary, and Cary drove there. Okay, but I can only get from there to a visa for Mrs. Ruiz and her son, since they were the victims."
Cary: "Sophistry! It was a warning for the whole family!"
Caseworker: "Yeah, but he was already out of Illinois, I mean, it was over. These are the rules, this is what I can justify giving you."
Cary: "Stop following the rules and do whatever I say! FASCIST! Amerikan fascist!"
...Which as much as I like seeing new sides of our people this season, Cary's entitlement is not, in this case, so much a new trait. Of course he hates it when people tell him no or at least he would if that had ever happened to him in his life.
Natalie: "Mr. Gardner? I think F/A maybe doesn't know what the fuck they're doing. Let's have a small meeting behind their backs. You should see the shit-throwing foot-stomping fit the little hot one just served up."
LG
Lyman: "Miss Flores, I'm so sorry about saying I wanted to put my dick in your Mexican ass. I was trying to be nice."
Natalie: "Great. So the rest of you, this is my boss Joe Pallotta. He's the reason you should have been cool to me this whole time."
LG: "How much ass can we kiss to make up for that oversight? Blatantly speaking."
Natalie: "Not really any amount of ass would ever make up for Howard Lyman. I mean, that number does not exist. That number of ass."
Even better, Joe Pallotta is black, so then Howard gets to fist-bump him and do a weird made-up handshake and talk in a strange jive accent, which is much funnier than the other stuff (or Howard generally).
MEXICAN CONSULATE
Robyn visits an exceedingly cute boy at the Consulate to chat about the Tomases Ruiz.
Robyn: "It's at the border now, but it's about to..."
Ambassador Hottie: "Is that a problem?"
Robyn: "For me? No. For Mexico, huge. I am here to tell you a thing you may not know about Tomas I. Ruiz, which is that he is an infamous conman and steals airbags, which results in people dying because they have no airbag."
Ambassador Hottie: "What a horrible crime! Is that real?"
Robyn: "Ask Mexico in a few months when they turn up with no airbags. The traffic there is already so shitty. I mean, you know. But no, the stupid US government doesn't want to deal with him even though he is their problem. They want to burn Mexico by sending you jerks."
Ambassador Hottie: "That sounds like I could get fired."
Robyn: "Well, the thing about sovereign nations is, they have to accept the deportee. Or not."
NOT
People who are happy about what happens include Tomas Ruiz, his wife, his underpants, and his stomach and head. Also Robyn, and most especially when Cary tells her she is super great and implies that she's not fired in a couple days. Cary Agos, your beautiful smile is all the reward I need. That and financial compensation, I mean.
Alicia: "Yeah, so somehow he ended up on the Mexican Consulate's watch list. Being the wrong Tomas Ruiz meant he was the right Tomas Ruiz to be the wrong Tomas Ruiz. I mean, it's hilarious."
Natalie: "I can see that being funny to you, due to how your brain works. Anyway, I have to go be on a date now."
Eli sees her from outside the restaurant, ordering wine for them on their date, and has a moment where he's like, maybe it doesn't matter if Natalie is affecting his judgment just the one time. In terms of Marilyn it doesn't, but in terms of Natalie it does, and so you're trading out the relationship with Peter, which is central to his life, for a relationship with a girl who lives in another city and is from another era and has no reason to be with him long-term.
And also, siding against Marilyn in a way that puts Peter on her team, which is unacceptable. I always thought the reason Michael Scott hated Toby so much was because HR is about mediating the line between employer and employee, and Michael Scott's entire pathology was about his denial that that line exists, so Toby was like a walking bomb of everything wrong with Michael Scott, looking him right in the eye. And that's Marilyn for Eli, especially when it comes between him and his candidate (or -- and this is always present too -- his candidate's marriage). She can't win, which means he has to do whatever Peter wants even though Peter never actually knows what he wants.
Anyway, so he calls and tells her he's dropping out of their date and also Peter is re-cancelling his cancelled speech, and watches her be sad through the restaurant window... And then again, for the third time in the episode -- with diminishing Richard Curtis-type returns -- he changes his mind and comes running, and whatever. Did he eat the apricots? Yes, and they were gross. Annnnnnd there's the jack o'lantern. So cute, so nice to see them together. Don't really care this week.
SWEET F/A
One of those twee covers this show likes so much -- which is still better than hearing some oldies song you've already heard a billion times, Shonda -- plays, "All I Have to Do Is Dream," because I hate to say it but that's the kind of person Alicia is. She's playing it on Matthew Ashbaugh's Jawbox, which always makes me tear up, and why she is doing this is, she is luxuriating in her new offices! All alone, with her husband about to come see them and lavish her with praise... And then he shows up with fuckin' Marilyn. Which doesn't kill it at all, but it's annoying. Until he reminds her that she's about to take over the world, from right here in this room. All she has to do is dream.
WEEK
One of Alicia's clients gets called a terrorist by some website, and you know that her mortal enemy is the internet so of course she goes crazy on them. Will hires a possibly very annoying, absolutely very shady new lawyer for LG, the Sherriff from Heartshe Holler shows up with that face he's got on the front of his head, and Idgie Threadgoode gets involved in a Jackie/Eli fight about God knows what.
JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps The Good Wife, Homeland, Hostages, Ravenswood, and Masters Of Sex for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, Twitter, and Facebook, as well as a regular column for Tor.com, Geek Love.