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Remember that guy that Reddit was so sure was the Boston bomber and it ruined his life? That's this episode. The wonderful Momo from Nurse Jackie is a college professor who gets pulled into one of those, with all the iffy crowdsourcing and all, and the FBI steps in. That's when "Scabbit" steps in, "proving" in that weird Birther-y way all kinds of untrue things about the client -- and any time Florrick/Agos gets them to snip one thread, another one pops up.
To prove his worth to LG, a quirky/charming Irish lawyer named Damian Boyle leads a posse to steal F/A's furniture -- so mean! -- and do some corporate spying, which brings them into the case as the representatives for the site itself. This after a great deal of infighting regarding Boyle among the partners -- due to his possible Mob ties, and David Lee's general interest in starting shit and bitching all the time -- and a unilateral decision from Will to hire him, based on just the loveliest litigator-crush bromance that will surely end up insane and probably heartbreaking.
Kalinda investigates him at Diane's suspicious request, and eventually gets intrigued enough to let him stay, but only after a lot of crawling around on the furniture like in the good old days when she was always doing that. Less impressed is Alicia, who's so busy anticipating and psychically knowing Will's moves that she barely registers the mysterious Mr. Boyle. David Lee and Lyman get on board with Damian after the spying stuff, and also because anything about net-neutrality also affects the firms' relationships with ChumHum.
Meanwhile, at the Governor's office, Jackie is on fire! Eli's courting a woman named Rachel Keiser (Mary Stuart Masterson!) for Diane's Supreme Court position, which Jackie immediately vetoes: It turns out when she was a clerk, she carried on an affair with Peter's father, "The Judge," and Jackie's both personally upset and protective. Eli brutally cuts her out of the conversation, but Jackie ends up scaring the woman shitless by visiting Rachel's cancer-stricken husband in the hospital: She wins again, and now she owes Eli one extra punch in the mouth.
After a visit from a truly hilarious user named "LotionMyFeet" played by Jamie Harrold -- we learn that the site's being marketed by a social linkbot using quotes about the so-called bomber, meaning that the site itself is subject to an injunction because he lost his job and book deal and whatever. So F/A wins the case, and in the end we find Will and Diane meeting Alicia and Cary at their new firm, to discuss splitting ChumHum. (Which conversation is interrupted by Judge Jeffrey Tambor calling Alicia for coffee, which is absurd and funny enough to end the episode on.)
Week: Speaking of everybody being in love with Alicia, the fabulous Kate Hodge appears as Matthew Ashbaugh's widow, contesting a game-changing bequeathal to Guess Who. It's a multiple of five, which means explosions this season, so we also get a Florrick/Agos Christmas Party to christen the new offices. On the guest list? Veronica, Clarke Hayden, The Governor and Eli (and maybe Mitch?), the always-welcome Donna Brazile... And Lemond Bishop. So that should go great.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!PREVIOUSLY
Florrick/Agos moved into their new digs, Eli and Jackie were at war over her role in state government, and Will has decided to take over the world.
THREE WEEKS IN
Pointing up the level playing field on which F/A is finally starting to play, we begin with two parallel conversations at the two firms in which the differences are more intriguing than the similarities.
F/A is pressed for time finding new clients, rather than fighting LG over the same high-profile accounts, like incestuous siblings. Their philosophy is that there is a whole world out there waiting to be discovered. LG, on the other hand, has two issues to deal with: They need to build up their ranks before they can properly satisfy their current clients, get back recent deserters, or find new avenues -- especially if they want to stay on track with Will's incredibly ambitious plans.
What's interesting is how little F/A cares about sacking the old village, since they're satisfied with what they have. You could say that with ChumHum in their pocket they don't really need to worry about poaching anymore, but I think it's more about looking forward. LG wants to destroy F/A because they have hurt feelings, no matter what dystopic spin Will Gardner puts on it; F/A doesn't want to destroy anybody.
David Lee: "I, for one, do not miss our fourth-years one bit."
Diane: "And yet, we've had to get continuances on eight of our twelve open cases because there's nobody to work them."
Will: "We need at least four litigators with trial experience, stat."
LG: "And to get our clients back! I still have nightmares about ChumHum."
David Lee: "And we need to destroy Florrick/Agos!"
Will: "Stop acting like this is a zero-sum situation. We can do all the things. David Lee, you form a group to bring our clients back home, since you love getting your hands dirty and the rest of us don't. Diane, Kalinda and I will find new lawyers. Creepy ones. Starting right now."
Robyn suggests an office housewarming slash Christmas party, which is a great idea for the above reasons but also because it makes it seem like the rocky mine train ride of the past three weeks was all part of the plan. Kind of like how you don't visit somebody's new house until they put their kitchen curtains up. It's a great idea that will see fruition in week's multiple-of-five barnstormer. Alicia gets a call.
Alicia: "Zayeed Shaheed, my professorial compatriot. How is it going?"
Zayeed: "Okay so I have this colleague who is trying to get a CIA job, and the FBI is here. They're asking intense questions, I'm already stressed out, and now the questions are getting weird. Like, personal to me. Can you come yell at them?"
Cary: "Is this actual client work? Do these people have money?"
Alicia: "Insofar as the US education industrial complex is a scam, yes. Robyn! Come witness me yelling at Feds."
HEADHUNTING
Recruiter: "Lauralee Gregg, Tulane undergrad, Yale Law, ten years at McKinley, Barrett & Skiff..."
Will: "No, she's not good enough. She was second chair on her last case after ten years with that firm."
Recruiter: "David Benjamin Goldbaum. Georgetown undergrad, Stanford..."
Will: "."
Recruiter: "What now?"
Will: "We lost to him in court."
Diane: "We settled! For two million dollars!"
Will: "Yeah but he should have made us give him four."
Recruiter: "Is there anybody you would be okay with?"
Will: "Yeah!"
Recruiter: "-- Besides Alicia Florrick."
Will: "...Then no."
His eyes light up when he sees the lady's file on Damian Boyle, because he knows his own kind. Recruiter Beth doesn't even want to float the idea, but he insists. Verbatim he says, "Beth, we're not who we were. What was inappropriate two months ago is appropriate now." Evil Villain Mode still in effect, I see. Well, it's nice that he knows it. I feel like every time he confirms this verbally it's another chance for him to get over himself. One step closer to the moment he realizes he's gone too far and no longer blah-blah.
Beth: "Fine. Damian Boyle has been in private criminal practice for fifteen years, he's... Well, let's say his clients are not your clients."
Diane: "You mean like pro bono?"
Beth: "No, I mean like Mob bosses."
Will: "What does he look like?"
Beth: "He doesn't like being photographed, due to being super creepy. I only have a file on him because he's looking for a home. His clients are all in jail, so he needs money, and nobody will take him..."
Will: "Sounds perfect!"
Diane, verbatim: "Will, just because someone is wrong for us doesn't make him right."
Will: "I love how you just get me."
SHAHEED
Alicia: "Robyn, you be sweet and dumb, and record the interview. Be like, why wouldn't you do that."
Robyn: "You got it, lady."
Zayeed: "Sorry about the wait, you guys! I just knew Alicia would kill me if I didn't call her down for this."
Alicia: "He's right. I am very cautious and by-the-book. Now, this is about Dr. Ezzedine Kalb and that's it?"
FBI: "Yeah. He..."
Robyn: "Can I record this?"
FBI: "Uh..."
Alicia: "She has to. It's just for her notes."
Robyn: "Hodor!"
Alicia: "I wouldn't fight her on this one. Her notes are really important to her."
FBI: "Fine. So you were in Milwaukee with Kalb two weeks ago?"
Zayeed: "Yeah, for a conference on educational differences in developing countries."
FBI: "Were you with him the whole time? How about the afternoon of October 15?"
Alicia: "Hold up. In Milwaukee? That explosion at the Milwaukee Food Festival?"
FBI: "I guess so, I don't really know. I'm not really a foodie."
Alicia: "Okay, we're done here. Zayeed, tell them to leave."
Twist! The FBI, instead of leaving, pulls out a warrant for all of his shit! This was never about Dr. Kalb, it was about putting Zayeed Shaheed at the bombing. Good thing he called Alicia! She sends Robyn out of the room with Zayeed, and to flex back at her the FBI guy sends an agent with them. The tumbling of his house begins. They regroup outside.
Zayeed: "This is racist!"
Alicia: "I'm sure it is, but were you there? And did you blow anything up?"
Zayeed: "I was napping in my hotel when it went off. Milwaukee is fucking exhausting."
Alicia: "Okay and is there anything weird on your computer? Like porn or money from foreign governments or books advocating jihad?"
Zayeed: "No! Wait, yes. The last one. But not scary jihad! Like personal, spiritual jihad."
Alicia: "I doubt highly the distinction is going to mean much to those dudes in there. I gotta quash this warrant. Robyn, get my quashin' boots."
DAMIAN BOYLE
Obviously we fear in others what we hate in ourselves, and by the same token we love in others what we perceive to be missing in ourselves. It's how Tattoo Isabel could be both "just fun" and also "the foreseeable future": She offered Will the possibility of invulnerability, to be emotionally Spartan and therefore inviolate, by virtue of nihilism. If you don't care about anything, nothing can hurt you. It's what he needed, to stop hurting.
But this Damian Boyle, watching him in the courtroom, is another level entirely: He pulls out all the tricks Will Gardner's famous for -- that scornful laugh, the dismissive bear-baiting, the one-liners and zingers just south of the belt -- and he does them without fear of consequence. He's weaponized, cocky; he lives in the place Will fears most. All that time, with the disbarment and the corruption and the old sins coming home to roost, he was afraid of looking like a Bad Guy. But Damian Boyle is on fire with being a Bad Guy, and the flames don't hurt him. You're only as dirty as your inner voice says you are.
And then too, Damian Boyle is a man without a home, and Will is a man whose home seems alien and horrible lately, the hearth's gone cold. She took it with her. So if he can bring Damian in, and warm him up, they'll both be safe. For at least a little while.
It's perfect: When we join Will in the courtroom, the AUSA in opposition is requesting Damian be barred from representing members of the Gerraghty crime family, because he himself is a member. Damian's rebuttal is that first, this is profiling based on the fact that he's also Irish, but mostly that the AUSA making the accusation has butt-hurt feelings based on Damian's three victories against him personally.
"Your Honor, I am a simple small-town lawyer who's come to the big city to defend an honest businessman, and I've beaten the AUSA three times, in three court hearings, and that's why he wants to bar me from representing an innocent man, but -- correct me if I'm wrong -- this is America, and I'll be damned if I'm going to let this man tread on my rights, your rights, or anyone's rights."
The balls-out nature of his utter bullshit appeals not only to Will, but even to the Judge, who thinks he's a hilarious cartoon of an Irish con-man. The AUSA threatens to produce Federal wiretaps of him in conversation with the syndicate, and then Damian cracks up -- just authentically enough that Will is dazzled -- because the taps themselves are sealed because of some RICO deal. The Judge tosses them all out, and Boyle fairly kicks his heels: "What have I done to this man, really, except beat him fair and square?"
And well. If the "simple small-town lawyer" bit didn't do it...
SHAHEED
Alicia: "Because it's racial profiling! You have him as a dark-skinned man, visiting Milwaukee..."
FBI: "No, as a man advocating jihad."
Alicia: "I don't even want to get into the complicated semantics of that, which is why we're quashing the warrant."
FBI: "We don't have to prove he planted a bomb, then. Just that he is scary enough to warrant this warrant."
Alicia: "What is scary about naps?"
FBI: "Was this an Ambien nap? Because we have a picture of him passing the garbage can where the bomb went off, two minutes prior."
Alicia: "Okay, that's kind of scary."
SLĂINTE
Boyle: "Please don't serve me with papers right now. I am drinking Irish beers with Irish people in this Irish bar with Irish music playing, like Irish people are always doing."
Will: "I'm not here to serve you, I'm here because I have an opening for Best Friend In The Whole World. My card, sir."
Boyle: "...What is an LG?"
Will: "Lockhart/Gardner."
Boyle: "What is a Lockhart/Gardner?"
Will: "Fuck you. I'm buying you a beer."
Boyle: "The problem is that I have friends that I ... defend, no matter what."
Will: "As long as they have money I don't care. I am a bad-ass now. You're my Lemond Bishop."
Boyle: "Hopefully I don't become your Colin Sweeney. Oh, and I don't work Sundays."
Will: "How come?"
Boyle: "Are you retarded? Look around you. Pretend we're on Family Feud and you have to come up with five things about Ireland."
Will: "Fine. Keep the Sabbath holy and you can work twice as hard the other six days."
Boyle: "Wow, you really are into me."
Will: "Uh, yeah. It's like I finally get Clarke Hayden's whole deal with Cary."
SHAHEED
Zayeed: "That's not me, I was napping. I told you, Milwaukee takes it out of you."
Robyn: "Maybe it's true, actually. I investigated deeply into the photograph in question and figured out it's a tourist photo, which led me to Reddit, which we're calling Scabbit."
Alicia: "That's the first time the fake name was actually funny enough to accept. Like instead of ChumHum we could call it Scabble. We could do a Jason Stack case about Bitscabs."
The rest of it you know: How crowdsourcing on Reddit misidentified the Boston Bombers several times, including one guy -- Sunil Tripathi -- who killed himself before they were ever found. Reddit issued an apology, and the various "news" outlets who jumped onboard did some takebacks, etc.
But I think the real story here is how crowdsourcing is no more invalid than any other activity technology allows us, in 2013, and no more valid either. None of the characters talk about this out loud, but it comes through in the savvy way they choose to represent the various sides of net-neutrality and the different interests that come to bear. Because with things like this it's not simply one thing or the other, it's not about making it a moral issue: It's being able to look at what is actually happening, thinking it through, which in cases like these tends to be strongly generational.
When you see something trending on Twitter, that means completely different things to you depending on how old you are. When you see something from an online source reiterated by a presumably otherwise-credible source, it still means something different to you. These conspiricists were tilting at windmills, in this case, but they were trying to help -- for personal reasons that run the gamut -- in the same way that Anonymous takes down bullies and so on.
Plenty of Reddit "witch hunts" work out for the betterment of mankind, but in every case you know what you're getting: A very lossy, very chaotic signal-to-noise ratio through which some truth may come from time to time. Also known as "the entire internet." You take it with salt, and they are giving it with salt: They know -- although in the moment you both might forget -- that this will all be over within hours, when they've moved on to some more interesting blip. Something you simply cannot explain to an old person, for perfectly valid and non-shameful reasons but nevertheless need to be factored in.
When you're used to getting the newspaper in the morning, or the TV news over breakfast, you can only go so far into the hinterlands of the web before your brain breaks. Crowdsourcing and online communities are... Steam, coalescing nuances out of individual droplets too small to see. If you go into a forum and read three people in a row saying, "Peter Florrick is an abusive husband," or whatever, you are going to think the whole world believes Peter Florrick to be an abusive husband. You will find it almost impossible to remember that in fact the evidence only shows that three people believe that. Three random people who may have no idea what they are talking about, who could be confused about who Peter Florrick is, who may be abusive husbands themselves who are projecting onto a TV character... Three people, out of seven billion in the world, self-selected for strong opinions about this particular topic: What on Earth makes you think that is worth putting on the news?
So in this case news networks, hungry for something to report on, blew the Sunil stuff out of proportion -- I personally remember the craziest point of all that, when the circular nature of this brought it all the way around and people were howling about how Reddit and crowdsourcing were vindicated by this, under the assumption that credible news outlets were verifying their crazy-people information rather than reproducing it wholesale from a common source -- and then when it turned out to be disastrously untrue, the Redditors en masse were blamed for something that actually made sense for them to do.
Out of this hazy idea -- linking Anonymous, Reddit, 4chan and the inability to conceptualize the infinite viewpoints represented in the chaos of crowdsourcing into some muddled concept of verifiability -- the networks tripped over their own presumptions about themselves and the primacy of their subjective understanding of the internet and media in 2013, and then blamed people who were doing what they always do, used to a certain cover of not being taken seriously. It's like if you showed an old person a YouTube video made by Birthers, or Inside-Jobbers, you'd redefine reality for them and they would think that Obama is Kenyan, or 9/11 was a Republican plot.
Everybody thought everybody else was driving the reality bus, when in fact the people at the wheel were exactly the people most likely to accept things at face value because they don't understand the internet: They put kids at the wheel and then blamed them for the bus crashing, essentially. And that is fascinating to me, especially given the F/A vs. LG storylines this season, of how sometimes two groups doing what makes sense to them ends up in no-fault monstrosities, which the groups then have no reason not to blame on each other. One group with a built-up skeptical immunity and the other group with no reason to have those antibodies, and then pitting them against each other, and then several boys end up literally dead.
To show you what I mean, here's the highly intelligent, mostly inspiring and thoughtful Reddit thread about this episode of The Good Wife, in which the whole thing is hashed out, both with 20/20 hindsight about the Witch Hunt itself, and the way the site and community were represented on the show. I don't do Reddit because it does attract terrible people and talks about things that mostly don't interest me, but I was open enough to reading about it that I sought it out this morning, and was impressed by what I saw.
Anyway: Robyn gets it, and explains that if the Feds are using Scabbit "proof" and "evidence" in their case, we're screwed. Not because they're right, or because the FBI is okay doing so, but because the "evidence" in this case "proves" that Zayeed did the bombing. Words that mean nothing, but are on the page demanding to be read regardless.
LADIES WHO LUNCH
Jackie: "I'm not saying I'm better than the rest of you, just that my son Peter is better than any children you may ever have. Pass me the bread? Anyway, Peter's been so sweet, sending town cars to bring me to him so he can lavish me with attention..."
She spots Eli Gold escorting Mary Stuart Masterson to a table, and her face goes DefCon Jackie, and she pops over there.
Eli: "Oh, do you know Rachel Keyser?"
Jackie: "You fuckin' bet I do. Rachel."
Rachel: "I was a clerk for her husband like a zillion years ago."
Jackie: "She was the Judge's favorite."
Eli: "Congrats on not playing that card with Peter, then."
Jackie: "You let this whore talk to my son? In what context?"
Eli: "In that she is Diane's replacement as Supreme Court Justice."
Jackie: "Mr. Gold, can I talk to you for a second?"
Eli: "Okay but you're hurting my hand."
Jackie: "Tell her no. I refuse to tell you why, but you are not putting her on the bench."
Eli: "Please tell me why?"
Jackie: "Don't make me hurt you. Just fucking do it."
Eli: "You decorate the offices, you throw the inaugural balls, whatever. This is my actual job. You don't get to do my actual job."
Jackie: "That's not what this is about."
Eli: "She's a perfectly nice woman. Whatever your grudge is, suck it up."
Knowing what her "grudge" is, you can see why this goes down so ugly: Of course Jackie can't tell him why, because she comes out looking worst -- to her mind -- of all. But Eli can't be arsed following major orders like this, out of nowhere, without a real reason: She's Reddit and he's CNN, and there's no way they can tell each other the important information until it's too late. The second she leaves him alone with Rachel Keyser, to go scheme rather than telling him the truth -- or taking it to Marilyn, which is what I would advise -- he's going to make the offer.
SHAHEED
Several pictures begin to appear on the Scabbit thread, popping up as they watch. They're all fucking insane and beautifully recreated, with MSPaint arrows pointing to random areas and making random claims; one of the photos of "Zayeed" shows him fleeing on Rollerblades, and another set shows an "accomplice" with a "walkie-talkie" lump in his back pocket that could really be anything. It goes down, down, down into the rabbit hole.
Cary suggests suing Scabbit for an injunction to take down the thread, which will at least cut off the FBI's source of insane information. If you have ever been to the internet you know what happens -- and explains the title of this episode -- but it's Sweet F/A, they've been too busy having lawyer probs and being Muggles to know how these people operate. They're still thinking of a thread as a pipeline, rather than just a weed in an infinitely large yard. They don't know how information wants to be free, or how the internet is just people saying whatever they want to say. They, like plenty of Congressmen before them, imagine an infrastructure and authority that don't exist, and never really will.
GARDNER
LG: "Will, you bypassed the entire process and hired this dude?"
Will: "It would have been a vote pro forma. You wanted somebody, I found somebody."
David Lee: "Since when does your 'sense of the room' supersede a majority vote? It would not have been hard to get us to decide."
Will: "First of all, yes it would have. Second of all, you wouldn't have let me have him, and then neither I nor Kalinda would have something new to play with, and Diane and I wouldn't have anything to be suspicious about with each other, and Kalinda and Diane wouldn't have anything to talk about."
David Lee: "But I hate the Mob!"
Will: "He's not the Mob!"
Diane: "Will, come on. He kind of is the Mob. You guys, he's bullshitting you. Headhunter Beth told us literally the opposite of what he's saying."
LG: "Bullshitter!"
Will: "I made a call on the ground. If you wanna sanction me, do it."
Meanwhile, Damian Boyle is sitting right outside, hitting on the ginger (of course) receptionist and being generally charming. When Will storms out he issues a barking command -- "Damian, you're on the client-retention working group" -- before letting Diane drag him into his office.
Diane: "Girl, you need to slow your roll."
Will: "Why? Am I TOO AWESOME FOR YOU?"
Diane: "Sometimes it's okay to debate things. Especially things we feel strongl..."
Will: "Here's how that goes. David Lee argues for another one of his nieces, you say no, it's referred to a subcommittee, they take three weeks to come back with a stalemate..."
Diane: "You are wildly conjecturing. I mean, it's on point, but you can't know that. Not strong enough to just railroad the entire board."
Will: "This time I do. We don't have the luxury of being a deadlocked government right now. We must add turbo to the shark of our being."
Diane: "Whatever. In the meantime go peel your shark off that secretary, bro."
David Lee: "This isn't fucking Communist Russia. I believe in freedom and democracy!"
Diane: "Bullshit you do. What, you want me to..."
David Lee: "Sanction Will, and get this new lawyer kicked out."
Diane: "Like you wanted to do me, a month ago?"
David Lee: "Oh, get over it. Get with the times. I already have 2/3 ready to dump him."
Diane: "Meaning Will? God, you are the worst."
David Lee: "No, Mr. Mob. Although we'll have to pry him off the secretary first."
JUDGE KLUGER THE MAGNIFICENT, PRESIDING
Tambor again? He has been on like every episode. I'm not complaining, it's just weird. I wonder if there's not a deeper meaning to it that we will discover at the end of the episode, which is itself probably not what it seems.
Kluger: "That is so awesome that you have your own firm!"
Alicia: "Thank you, Your Honor. Three weeks in."
Kluger: "My courtroom is lovelier with you in it. What can I do for you?"
Alicia: "Scabbit, a social site for links of interest..."
Kluger: "Who aren't here today?"
Alicia: "They're ignoring our subpoenas, I think it's brinkmanship through absence..."
Kluger: "Well, I can't grant an injunction against an entire site without at least..."
Alicia: "Not the whole site, just one thread that disparages our client."
Kluger: "Bring me evidence. I'm just so happy to see you again! But time bring me something serious, okay? These 'websites' are a flash in the pan. This so-called 'internet.'"
Alicia: "I know, right? Have you heard about the Cloud? It gets rats!"
CLIENT RETENTION
The question before the work group is whether they should negotiate with F/A about sharing a particular ChumHum privacy suit. Three ayes, four opposed, and Damian Boyle is totally checked out.
Diane: "Mr. Boyle, are you in abstention?"
Damian: "What's going on? What are we talking about?"
David Lee: "God, how I hate you."
Damian: "Wait, so we're going to be friends with these people? After they poached a $35M client out from under us?"
David Lee: "Okay, Robert Emmet. Can you just vote?"
Damian: "Fine, which way do I vote to get buggered?"
Diane: "I'm gonna go ahead and mark you down as an abstention..."
But no, he's found his rabblerousing entry point: A way to demonstrate his value to the home Will's offered, without compromising anything and with the added bonus of locking in his persona for the duration of his time with LG. If he can go full-on Damian Boyle and have it work out, then they'll let him get away with anything down the road: He will sell them on the Damian Boyle Story, he will demonstrate that he is their attack dog, he will make them laugh with his incorrigible ways, and they'll never question him again. It's the perfect plan.
He drags several associates -- and the ginger secretary -- off for a little field-trip to sweet little F/A, and without even really trying to sell the cover story Damian overwhelms the receptionist with his fast-talking gab and sparkling wit. Before you know it he -- under the piss-poor guise of a moving company -- has stolen all of F/A's furniture: Desks, chairs, all the big stuff. A few seconds later the computers are all sitting on the floor to sad paperwork, and Damian has nicked two more things: A "#1 Mom!" pin from Alicia's pen-cup, and the names on their latest lawsuit. It's not ChumHum, but it could turn into ChumHum if they play it right.
And so it is that just as Alicia, Cary and Robyn are heading into the office, and Alicia realizes they could be playing Whack-A-Mole to the end of time, they're confronted by the receptionist, who hasn't yet noticed she got played, promising them the new furniture will arrive in about an hour. We still don't know enough about Damian to know if he knew how much that would bother them -- their house-proud business-owner selves, who spend nights listening to pop covers and twirling in those chairs -- but I don't know that he'd really need to be that insightful to figure it: Anybody who's just formed a new company or bought a new home would love it in precisely the same way... And he's been homeless now for fifteen years.
GOV OFC
Eli: "Peter, I need you to..."
Jackie: "It is not Peter! It is Jackie, his mother! Sitting in his chair! Eating your dreams!"
Eli: "Oh my God, is this still about... Didn't you say she was the Judge's favorite?"
Jackie: "Yeah. Because she was his favorite."
Eli: "Oh, shit. Okay. Uh..."
Jackie: "I can't have a woman who nearly destroyed our family rewarded with a seat in my son's Cabinet..."
Eli: "Okay. Shit. Um, if you had told me this at lunch maybe we could have worked something out, but now I can't do anything. We already reversed one appointment of a female Judge -- also for your family, by the way -- and there's just no way now to..."
Jackie: "You don't want me to go to my son about this."
Eli: "I don't. And you won't, so."
Her face falls; you could almost love her, for a second.
Jackie: "That's dirty, Eli."
Eli: "No, it's not. This is politics, and there's no political reason to dump a candidate that your son never needs to know about. It would be emotionally easier, but..."
Jackie: "Very fucking understanding, bro."
Eli: "Jackie, I am legit sorry. Stand still so I can apologize."
Jackie: "Nope. Whatever our understanding was, it's over now. time you come to my old-people aerobics class looking for favors, prepare for a letdown."
Eli: "I feel like somebody is going to die at the end of this."
Jackie: "Watch your ass, Mr. Gold."
SCABBIT
Kluger: "So a new thread popped up. Well, that makes sense."
Alicia: "And meanwhile Scabbit's still being dicks about this."
Kluger: "Actually, they got lawyers and they'll be here soon. So tell me all about your new firm! Man, there is nothing scarier than hanging a shingle, is there? You have my compliments."
Scabbit enters, with Will and Damian. Alicia's jaw drops, although you know she will immediately connect it to the furniture stuff because obviously that was them, and now she knows they snuck a peek at her documents while they were there. But since she doesn't know Damian at all, the whole thing rests on Will, which gives the spiciness of their exchanges even more zing.
Kluger: "Will Gardner? Why does that sound so famil... Oh. Oh, shit! Oh, girl."
Alicia: "Yeah, it's awkward and whatever. Anyway, let's ask him why Scabbit's ignoring your C&D like they don't respect you at all."
Will: "We adhered to it, Your Honor. Took down the thread mentioned."
Robyn: "Yeah but now it's just renamed."
LG: "Renamed? No. A new, spontaneous expression of the site's members. Did you want that deleted?"
CEO: (Beep.)
Of course, another one sprouts immediately, and Alicia throws down.
Alicia: "It's Whack-A-Mole, Your Honor! I object because of it is Whack-A-Mole!"
Kluger: "I don't even really know where that saying comes from. Is it a thing?"
Damian: "I have played it on the Navy Pier, Your Honor. It is good for aggressions. Not so good for the moles, but it's okay because they're robots."
Kluger: "What part of Ireland are you from?"
Damian: "I'm not Irish, it's a fake accent. I'm from Queens."
He's like the Joker! A thousand origin stories. That's when I knew Kalinda was going to get involved in his shit, because that's exactly the ball of yarn she loves best.
Alicia: "Scabbit can honor the spirit of your ruling by having their mods delete threads as they appear. Easy."
LG: "I don't understand, do what?"
Cary: "Your Honor, we ask that ChumHum -- excuse me, Scabbit -- issue an edict to have those moderators prohibit postings vilifying Zayeed Shaheed..."
Will: "That's prior restraint! Your Honor, I'm shocked Mrs. Florrick and Mr. Agos would even suggest it. Maybe that kind of bullshit would work for ChumHum..."
It's like there's a little bell that goes off every time either of them mentions ChumHum. Cocky Cary's doing it to call them punks, and Will's doing it to suggest they are sour grapes, but really both of them are doing it because that's what this is really about, and now we all know it: A case infringing on freedom of information, especially in a site with features similar to ChumHum, could make or break a pitch to Neil Gross about where he should place his business. If the only reason he picked F/A was Peter's threat about regulation, then the best chance LG has to change his mind is by championing the other side of it.
Another thread pops up, and again the CEO deletes it right there, and everybody just kind of sighs because what a ridiculous way to spend an afternoon. Unfortunately, reframing the C&D would be the definition of prior restraint, so it's the best Kluger can do. They all tromp off, trying to figure out a new way to break the stalemate. But then too, this is another kind of rabbit hole: The whole point is to keep the FBI from misusing the rants of crazy people to score an easy win against a person they have already destroyed, because when they find the real bomber it won't matter what happened to him. Which is, for at least the couple of scenes, preventable.
Alicia: "Where did you get that motherfucking pin on your lapel?"
Damian: "Oh, this old thing? Why, do you like it?"
Alicia: "I liked it better when it was on my desk!"
Damian: "That's so crazy that we both have one. How can there be two #1 Moms?"
Alicia: "Will, you are a tool and a half. High school pranks, now?"
Will: "Why my dear I simply have no idea what you're implying."
Alicia: "Fuck everything. I want that fucking pin back and I am prepared to go apeshit."
LG
Diane is shocked to find that -- in the wake of his Braveheart moment and subsequent acquisition of a ChumHum-leverage case -- David Lee and Howard Lyman have turned around on the concept of Damian Boyle. What she's too honorable to understand is that of course she is the only person on the board who would ever have a problem with the guy being slimy; the rest were just being obstructionist and have been mollified.
Frustrated, she sends for Kalinda, who is also kind of irritated that she didn't get to vet the guy before he got hired, because what the hell is she for, and also because she gets a yucky vibe off him. She said she would follow Will to the ends of the Earth, do anything no matter how upsetting or scary, but all of that was contingent on Will staying Will. If he's going into the darker parts of the forest, she can't necessarily follow, because that's not their deal. Same thing with Diane, actually. So for now, they agree, that means investigating the now-entrenched Damian Boyle. Hard.
F/A
The associates gather around a sad card table and feel bad for themselves.
Alicia: "Who the hell was that guy with my pin? I hate his ass!"
Cary: "That would be Damian Boyle, LG's new rainmaker. Real scary guy."
Alicia: "And so why would LG even go with Scabbit? They don't make money."
Cary: "ChumHum. We're shown to be the Man by going after freedoms."
Robyn: "Uh, nobody knows what happened with the furniture since creepy Damian Boyle broke all the security cameras, but uh... I'm just gonna order new furniture. Too weird to think about further right now."
Zayeed: "Hey guys, I just got fired. Locked out of my office, confronted by security... Meanwhile Scabbit is now saying that I went to a madrasa in Afghanistan and a terrorist training camp..."
Cary: "That's awesome news!"
Alicia: "I know, right?"
Zayeed: "I assure that it is not. Are you people crazy?"
F/A: "No, we're happy because now you have damages. The threads don't matter anymore. The moles are upon us. The bad thing we were preventing has now happened, which means more money for all of us, including you, and a chance to bag on LG hardcore."
Alicia: "And I can get my pin back, hopefully."
SCABBIT
Kluger: "Defamation, now? It's always something with you guys."
F/A: "About $8.4M, between compensatory and punitive damages."
LG: "Hilarious!"
F/A: "Our client lost his job and a lucrative book deal thanks to Scabbit's recklessness."
LG: "Section 230 of the Communications Decency Act specifically exempts hosts from being held responsible for their users. You can't sue the city for building sidewalks where protestors voice their freedom of speech..."
Alicia: "Unless the offender is an employee of the site."
Damian: "You're fishing!"
Alicia: "Would that I were. Prepare for a jerkoff, comin' in hot."
LotionMyFeet: "My name IRL is Grant Irvin but I go by LotionMyFeet, a hilarious joke."
Kluger: "Ugh. Goons. You never know what you're gonna get."
Alicia: "Mr. MyFeet, you have been on Scabbit from the beginning?"
LotionMyFeet: "Yeah! I know the CEO and everything. I'm a Ground-Floor poster. Which makes me -- within this community only -- pretty cool. Pretty quote 'gangsta.'"
Alicia: "That is so cool! A very valid use of your time. Now, two days ago you claimed Zayeed Shaheed was a terrorist trained in Pakistan and sent to America undercover?"
LotionMyFeet: "Assuredly so, fair maiden."
Alicia: "Okay and how do you know this?"
LotionMyFeet: "It's just like, my opinion, man."
Alicia: "Do you not understand that is not how opinions work?"
LotionMyFeet: "It's safe to say I'm unclear on the concept, yes."
Alicia: "Did you know he was born in Detroit?"
LotionMyFeet: "No. But I don't see the contradiction, either. You might say I'm lacking in the experience of realpolitik as it pertains to things like facts or reality."
Alicia: "Perfect, actually. You're a mod on the site, is that correct? You monitor threads, shut down abusive users. And you're rewarded for this work?"
LotionMyFeet: "Pimp Points! I got mad Pimp Points."
Alicia: "Which are what, on God's green Earth."
LotionMyFeet: "Basically internet money."
Alicia: "Oh right, like Bitcrabs."
LotionMyFeet: "It's prestige, son! I have as much influence as the founders, at least in the confines of the universe I keep under this very fedora."
Will: "Sweet, so tell me more. How is a Pimp Point like Internet currency?"
LotionMyFeet: "In my imagination. You get an icon to your name."
Will: "Oh, so like those things you use to determine how crazy a Huffington Post commenter is before you read their comments."
LotionMyFeet: "Yeah but vastly more epic."
Will: "These icons, they can be used to buy goods and services?"
Alicia: "Fine. He's not compensated, but the tracking and awarding of those Pimp Points indicates he's supervised, which makes him an employee."
Kluger: "Nice! Yeah, supervision is enough to establish employment as far as Section 230."
Will: "Okay, just a few more questions. Mr. Irvin, do you..."
LotionMyFeet: "You can call me Mr. Feet."
Will: "Not in good conscience, and not in the real world. Mr. Irvin, have you ever been in contact with any persons or supervisors, as regards your Pimp Points?"
LotionMyFeet: "No, they're based on algorithms that..."
Will: "So a computer does this for you? Supervises you in no real way?"
LotionMyFeet: "For the benefit of our CBS viewers, let's compare it to rankings in Words With Friends."
Kluger: "Oh, now see that I understand."
RACHEL KEYSER
Jackie: "You should have turned it down, bitch. Now I have to rain hellfire on you."
Rachel: "I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about. That minor confusion decades ago?"
Jackie: "I guess you should have slutted around with somebody else's husband, then. Somebody with a shorter memory."
Rachel: "Nice seeing you, Jackie..."
Jackie: "So how about when I tell your husband you were fucking my husband for two years after your wedding?"
Rachel: "My husband that's in the hospital with cancer?"
Jackie: "Oh, man. He will not take this well!"
Rachel, verbatim: "You are an awful woman."
Jackie: "Uh, yeah. I am."
Rachel: "He already knows. We trust each other with everything."
Jackie: "Sweet. So I'll just go talk to him about it then. And PS? You meant nothing to the Judge."
Rachel: "Whatever, you old bitch."
Jackie: "This old bitch will see you in Hell."
KALINDA
Kalinda: "Thanks for sitting down with me. It's just for my files."
Damian: "You're the investigator? A lady investigator? Are you any good?"
Kalinda: "I'm Kalinda, fool."
Damian: "Lady investigators, I'm so sure."
Kalinda: "You say that like I'm capable of being rattled. But hey, the more you doubt me the less time you'll be demanding when you need to win any case whatsoever. Date of birth."
Damian: "7/13/71. 5/5/71. 11/3/72."
Kalinda: "I feel ya there. Do you have one primary one that you were mostly born with?"
Damian: "Not really."
Kalinda: "How long have you been here?"
Damian: "Fifteen years. You?"
Kalinda: "Ugh. And in private practice? And do you have any family?"
Damian: "Eight years. Five sisters in Dublin, Mom's in a home, dad left when I was eight so I hate authority like you. And I like the color purple, like you're wearing."
Kalinda: "Glad you noticed. It pisses God off when you don't. Now, have you been arrested? Round up to the nearest hundred."
Damian: "Um. No comment."
Kalinda: "Not a possibility. And not because I'm violating HR practices either. I'm not making this a condition of your employment, I'm telling you if you don't come clean I will investigate. Hard."
Damian: "You want them in order from last to first, or backwards? And before we get started, can I just point out that this makes me a great defense attorney because I've seen both sides of the..."
Kalinda: "Oh, honey. I don't care. I just want the facts."
SCABBIT
LG: "It's not defamation if posters can't be classified as employees."
F/A: "Fine. Then we want the names of everybody who's saying this stuff, to determine that none of them are."
Will: "That's so Alicia Florrick. She wants to destroy the company by revealing..."
Alicia: "How rude! I am just being a lawyer!"
Kluger: "Whatever. It's a fair request. You're arguing that the users who defamed her client aren't employees, so you can prove that."
LG: "We need a gag order, then."
Alicia: "Again, how rude! Unlike Scabbit we don't want to defame anybody. We just want honorable justice for all Americans."
KALINDA
Kalinda: "So Damian was weirdly forthcoming, once we got through his bag of tricks."
Diane: "Huh. Okay, hit me."
Kalinda: "Three different birthdays..."
Diane: "Only three?"
Kalinda: "And he did pass the IL bar, and he was in a DUI with a streetlight a few..."
Diane: "Don't tell me this ended with him giving the Police Memorial Fund $18k."
Kalinda: "...How did you... Are you a wizard?"
Diane: "No, it's Howard. Several months ago. He told you a Lyman story."
Kalinda: "That's a bit of a middle-finger, isn't it."
Diane: "To both of us. It's almost admirable. But he's off, isn't he?"
Kalinda: "He is off. He is off-off-off. He is noises off."
Diane: "Dangerous?"
Kalinda: "No, just off. On a scale of one to five he's like, Season Two Kalinda."
F/A
Robyn: "They gave us 180 names and I verified all but one of them as non-employees."
F/A: "And the last one?"
Robyn: "It's weird. ChubbySocks52, real name Dante Pryor, doesn't exist. He is everywhere and nowhere. ChumHum, Schmacebook, Schmitter, Fourschmare. But no utilities, no DMV registration. Not a person."
F/A: "To be defamed by a ghost. Truly the most disgraceful kind of defamation."
HOSPITAL!
Ronald Keyser: "Jackie Florrick, it's so nice to see you!"
Jackie: "Really? Nobody ever says that. How is your cancer?"
Ronald: "Terminal!"
Jackie: "Cool, I brought you flowers and horrible news."
Rachel: "The Angel of Death! Oh wait, it's just fuckin' Jackie Florrick."
Jackie: "We were just discussing your husband's quality of life in his final days."
Ronald: "It all depends on my beautiful Rachel. She sticks by me, so loyal and lovely."
Jackie: "You are one lucky son-of-a-bitch. Why, I remember the way the Judge would sing her praises..."
Rachel: "Hey Jackie? Let's take a quick pudding walk, shall we?"
Jackie: "You got it, sweetie. Have fun dying of cancer, Ronald!"
Ronald: "So nice to see you."
COURT
F/A: "So for our trick we'd like to call Dante Pryor to the stand. But we don't know where he is!"
Kluger: "Who is this and what is going on?"
F/A: "They gave us his name as one of the defamers, but now we can't find him. And guess what? The reason is that he is not a ghost, but a robot. A socialbot, combining the most salient and icky features of both ghosts and robots."
LG: "Relevance!"
Kluger: "Insofar as I have no idea what you're talking about, I can't agree or disagree."
ChubbySocks52 is a low-level program designed to appear human, and seize on conversations about certain topics so it can then refer traffic back to Scabbit. It's on every kind of social media, drumming up traffic, all the time. The interesting thing here, though, is that the quotes it's using from one conversation to market the thread are, of course, defamatory: "Zayeed Shaheed is a guilty Muslim terrorist who bombed the Milwaukee Festival" and the like, all signed by Chubbysocks52, all designed to bring in the kind of lunatics who would click on that.
And so, since ChubbySocks52 was born of Scabbit, to Scabbit must his accountability redound. Alicia shoots Will the prettiest smile, and the music says, "Whassup."
F/A
When Diane and Will arrive to discuss the settlement, they're greeted by an empty, echoing open-concept office, replacement furniture just settling in. They stare around, trying to be snotty about it, but neither of them quite manage.
Diane: "On the bright side, we weren't shot by the crack dealers on the corner..."
Will: "You have a faraway look, Ms. Lockhart."
Diane: "I just... The Spartan look, the shitty neighborhood..."
Will: "This isn't us. This was never us. They are not the new us."
Diane: "No, buddy. This was us. Us, starting out."
Will: "Do you miss it?"
Diane: "...Couldn't tell you."
What's to be said? You turn around and look at your choices and you are those choices. They will never be in this office, this headspace, again. But it doesn't mean they aren't the new Them. They are starting out too. They are LG, now. The other New Us.
Just the second they figure out what that means.
KALINDA
Kalinda: "Leaving early?"
Damian: "Yeah, it's the point in the day I wire my ill-gotten gains to the Caymans."
Kalinda: "Good one. Hey, one question? I noticed you didn't have any student loans."
Damian: "Me parents sold their movie theatre in our one-picture town."
Kalinda: "Your parents? As in your father that left when you were a boy?"
Damian: "...Me Ma!"
Kalinda: "Fine. Just please level with me: What the fuck."
Damian: "There is no fuck. I'm not playing a game, I'm not a games-playing type."
Kalinda: "Then just tell me! You're driving me crazy!"
Damian: "LOL. I know. So come at me, bro. Just come directly at me. I dare you."
Kalinda: "I haven't been so excited to beat someone with a baseball bat since Calamar. You, sir, are in for a treat."
GOV OFC
Eli: "Rachel, that sucks but I guess I saw it coming. Thanks for your call."
Jackie: "Oh, who was that on the phone?"
Eli: "You know goddamn well who it was, you old sea hag."
Jackie: "I guess you can't be too careful, with your husband on the precipice of death. That poor thing."
Eli: "What did you fucking do to those people?"
Jackie: "Me? I'm just here to decorate Peter's office and plan parties."
You can almost see him still wanting to apologize, but now there's no way to do it without getting even more shit for it. Maybe there never was. It's almost sad. I mean, they never got to a good place, but fighting over the placement of objects and calling her a nosy old dame is one thing. Telling her to her face to suck it up and stop whining about her adulterous husband -- despite that being every conversation she's ever had with Alicia -- is several levels of magnitude further. She owes him now, and she doesn't forget.
F/A
LG: "So we can give you $830k for Shaheed. Final offer."
F/A: "Uh, like every other case you've ever settled, we both know there are three offers before the final offer."
LG: "Don't overestimate our generosity."
F/A: "Don't underestimate how good this feels. You lost, we won, we are now real. We can't let ourselves sell that short. Now, let's skip the half-hour of bullshit and cut to the $1.5M you've already gotten authorized."
Alicia gets a call, but it's not like she loves this part anyway. Not as much as Cary. She loves it, but she hates it too, which is always the key to Alicia: Never either/or, always both.
George Kluger: "Mrs. Florrick, hello!"
Alicia: "Sorry, who is this?"
Kluger: "George Kluger! Otherwise known to you as Judge Kluger the Magnificent!"
Alicia: "I... Okay, sure. What's up?"
Kluger: "I want to get coffee with you?"
Alicia: "I'm sorry, did I take crazy pills? What did you just say to me?"
WEEK
LG helps the wonderful Kate Hodge, as Matthew Ashbaugh's widow, contest her late husband's will. I'm guessing you can figure out why. Meanwhile, Kalinda continues to investigate Damian Boyle, and Marilyn -- of course -- has a shit-fit about Peter attending F/A's Christmas party, since the guest list includes everybody from Donna Brazile and Veronica Loy and Clarke Hayden (!) to... the always-mesmerizing Lemond Bishop. You can hear her fake-barfing from here, can't you?
JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps The Good Wife, Homeland, Hostages, and Masters Of Sex for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, Twitter, and Facebook, as well as a regular column for Tor.com, Geek Love.