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Geneva Pine sneakily pulls over Hunter Parrish (aka Silas Botwin Guinard, the best thing about most of Weeds) for a fake DUI that turns out to be a DNA test on an murder case from last year where a girl got doped with Special K and later murdered. Will takes over the case (the family was a client of Alicia's) and spends the whole episode with Kalinda trying to figure out who actually did the murder.
We never find out for sure -- although it seems unfortunately likely that Silas did it, in the end -- but it does bring Will into contact with Alicia's brother, who's a professor at the school where all this went down. Owen pitches him hard on the idea that Florrick/Agos -- and their sexy war -- is Alicia's way of keeping Will at arm's length, but Will seems determined to get over her. (And to continue giving his best performances on the series to date, if not his entire career.)
Meanwhile, that lawyer kid from the abortion case a while back shows up with a malpractice suit against Lockhart/Gardner that also brings Alicia into the firm several times: A botched adoption involving a bribe to the Chippewa Nation that obviously was David Lee's doing. That one awful fourth-year that always bitches about their bonuses ends up taking the fall for the bribe, but only on the way to selling Alicia out for the entire $6M settlement, as a way of getting a partner position back at L/G. So now she's on the hook for this malpractice thing, unfortunately, but at least we are rid of Bonus Guy.
Complicating this -- and when she finally runs into Will at the firm, it's a complicated silence indeed -- is the fact that a boy at Grace and Zach's school has been hacking her webcam to capitalize on Grace's newfound internet fame. Zach beats the guy up and Grace is very pleased with him, but the whole thing is so icky that they never tell Alicia the whole story, and she ends up still under the impression that her home is being bugged by David Lee in some kind of awful conspiracy.
Over at F/A, aka the living room, things are going poorly. Leveraging the malpractice stuff gets Alicia back her capital contribution, which may or may not even help, because they're bleeding cash. Eventually Cary brings in Nathan Lane's wonderful Clarke Hayden -- who has passed the Bar! -- to get their finances in order, and because they are in gay love with each other, and finally he joins the firm... But only after offering major assistance on every other thing going on in the episode. It looks like he'll at least get them into offices week, and if that's accompanied by turning them into the lean, mean machine he's always wanted, and they say they want, it'll be a valuable addition indeed -- his eagerness to outsource the administrative stuff notwithstanding.
It's pretty standard for an episode -- if, given the insanity of this season, it's possible to even say what that really means -- but at the end we find the pieces in place for some bigger stuff down the line, and some fun twists and turns throughout both major court cases. Alicia comes in guns blazing at first, but quickly cools off and behaves herself, and it's fairly beautiful to watch everybody at L/G (besides David Lee, of course) follow suit. Watching these people remember their dignity is always satisfying, but never moreso than when it's Alicia, acclimatizing both quickly and well to her new F/A leadership role.
Week: America Ferrera! Natalie Flores shows back up to bring some sunshine to Eli's life -- and a bunch of ethics concerns into Marilyn's, of course -- while we're told that Robyn, and this is intriguing, "tries to be more like Kalinda." A goal to which any right-minded individual should aspire.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!JEFFREY GRANT
Is played by Hunter Parrish, which, depending on if you watched the show and more precisely how long you watched the show, is either a good thing or a bad one. But his casting here seems to be a dark joke that doesn't depend on either of those, so much as on his natural charisma (and the theater ties of many of the show's guest stars) that it's really only anecdotal when I say that I still miss Silas Botwin sometimes, and that made the twists (in this very basic, this surprisingly and a little painfully basic, episode) a lot more hair-raising than they might be if you weren't invested on that level.
Although either way, you'd be forgiven for finding the procedural plots and elements of this episode particularly tone-deaf and arbitrary. We come to the show because it isn't a standard procedural, so when things get a little interchangeable it's disappointing. Even if it's still the best season of the best show on prime time -- which it is -- and even if you discount the stupid zero-sum thinking that says every show has some duds every now and then like it's a fact of nature -- which it absolutely isn't -- it's a resigned whimper, not an angry bang, that finds most of this episode regrettably forgettable. Whatever.
Jeffrey gets pulled over on his way to Italian class at Chicago Polytechnic, even though he's going 35 and doing nothing more complex than practicing (some seriously remedial) conversational Italian. At first the cop tries to freak him out the usual ways, ordering him to stop calling his lawyer and get out the paperwork and whatever, but then when he spies some cold medicine in the jump seat he seizes on that instead.
Before you know it, Jeffrey's disregarded everything a person should do in this situation and he's getting hauled to the station because the breathalyzer he clearly doesn't need to take "isn't working" or some bullshit. Zach Florrick would be so disappointed! Flex your rights, son!
L/G PARTNER MTG
They call L/G for Alicia -- who represented his real estate mogul father on an assault charge a couple weeks ago, nice family -- and, as per protocol, the receptionist goes to alert the partners about the possibility of keeping this client. Will dicks the kid around about how Alicia is unavailable, and when his voice reaches hysteria levels he promises to come running.
The big news in their partner meeting, though, is a completely different deal: A malpractice suit against the firm for $6 million in damages from "attorney recklessness," with malpractice insurance denied. If you are assuming this is a David Lee issue, you'd be both forgiven and correct.
Will: "Everybody stop yelling and start being cool this instant. I won't have a nuisance case throwing us off, even for this big an amount. Move together, act together. Or GTFO."
David Lee: "I wasn't 'reckless,' they're just nuts. These people adopted a two-month-old girl, the biological parents tried to get her back, I told them they'd win, and they did, the end. People lashing out at one another -- and occasionally, us -- is the main thing of Family Law, it's why I love it."
Diane: "Okay, who else was on it?"
David Lee: "I was doing the Zander divorce, I don't remember... Oh, Jesus H. Guess. I dare you to guess."
Will: "Ugh. Meanwhile, I have to go hang onto another of her clients."
Diane: "Hard case?"
Will: "Not really. He sounded really cute, and very white, so I should be back soon."
FLORRICK/AGOS
Cary: "We're going broke!"
Bonus Dick: "It's because we didn't get our bonuses."
Everybody: "If you mention bonuses one more time we will give you a bonus knuckle sandwich. You're more one-note than the quirky judges we're always doing law for."
Alicia: "Maybe we should look for office space further south... Or cheaper?"
Cary: "I don't want to get locked into a lease somewhere uncool. If the ChumHum retainer weren't still 45 days out we'd be fine, but..."
Bonus Dick: "[More of his bullshit, always.]"
Meanwhile, Zach notices the webcam light on Alicia's computer is on, and when he goes to investigate, looking the camera in the eye, it shuts itself down. Naturally he assumes Grace incompetently left it going, and barges into her bedroom without knocking to accuse her of playing on Mom's computer without permission.
I am troubled by this trend, of Zach policing Grace's body and mind in these paternalistic ways, but I can see a way it might work. If it turns out that this is Zach's reaction to not having Peter around and feeling this burden of being the man of the house, then it means he isn't turning into a creepy monster. The feet aren't clay, it's just that the show has a thing it wants to say about parents and kids that could be bullshit or could be true, depending on the family. But that's the kindest interpretation and right now it's got an asterisk until we see where it's headed.
Alicia: "We knew it would be hard. I for one was maybe not prepared for the bullshit of having this entire law firm living in my house. But you know what? Stern-Lockhart started in an airport hotel room. So hold it together. What we're going through now will make our firm stronger."
First of all, compare with Will's similar rallying cry immediately above. Secondly, who's at the door? That funny, neat process server we've already met twice before!
Cary: "Ugh. Are we getting sued again? Can we not just destroy those guys already?"
Alicia: "Actually, it's much cooler than that. I'm a witness in a case against them."
Cary: "Can you be as little Alicia in these dealings as possible at least?"
Alicia: "I will absolutely try, although to be honest my first impulse is to bring those fuckfaces a batch of cookies when I go."
THE STATION
Will: "Jeffrey? You're the only white person who has ever been arrested, so I assume that's you."
Jeffrey: "I have an Italian midterm! Why won't they give me this fake breathalyzer?"
Will: "It probably has something to do with sneaky old Geneva Pine over there. Hey, before I let her unload her new found awesomeness all over me, you got priors?"
Jeffrey: "I got a DUI but I'm never doing that again."
Will: "Okay, anything else?"
Jeffrey: "That lady over there is not a cop? But she was in the patrol car. And last time they didn't swab my cheek..."
Will: "Geneva Pine, why are you DNA testing this little boy?"
Geneva: "Because of the law!"
Will: "How are you supposed to test him for alcohol when he's been sitting over there for an hour metabolizing whatever alcohol?"
Geneva: "You have a lot of questions, my friend."
Will: "Okay, I don't know what kind of goat rodeo you're running, but I'm taking that kid home. And you better dump that DNA swab, too."
Geneva: "Actually, we're putting him under arrest now that you mention it. And because of his priors, I'm keeping the swab."
Will: "This is clearly something weird."
Not only weird, but reminiscent of lots of Alicia cases, which means part of the fun is going to be putting Will in an Alicia situation, which I would guess means that whatever this DNA is for -- and yes, this episode is such a collection of clichés you've already guessed it's either for rape or murder, so I'll just tell you it's the latter -- is going to end up with the kid being guilty and never admitting it, so then Will has to wonder about life and people and if we ever really know anybody and also whether his new found blood lust to conquer the world is really worth it.
Will: "Since I can't take you home yet, can I just breathalyzer you with my iPhone first?"
Jeffrey: "Wait, I'm going to miss my midterm?"
Will: "Given how happy Geneva Pine looks, I'm pretty sure you're going to the electric chair. Just breathe in my phone please."
COURT
Will: "My phone says he was only 0.. That's freshman drunk."
Judge: "ASA Pine, did you pull this kid over for being not drunk?"
Geneva: "My bad! Never mind."
Everybody: "Wait for it..."
Geneva: "...But also he's now under arrest for MURDER!"
Dani Littlejohn was found outside her dorm on the Chicago Polytech campus last August, with blunt trauma to her skull and Special K up in her dead body. Skin samples from under her fingernails were not identifiable until Jeffrey's father's arrest two months ago, when it got a database hit for familial DNA in the Littlejohn murder. Research (spotty, as we'll see) turned up Jeffrey, who's male and also goes to her school.
Will: "That stinks! This is a goddamn phone!"
Judge: "Yeah, but oh well. The part where he killed a girl is kind of compelling, don't you think?"
They have a fight about whether or not it was legal to collect the particular DNA they stole from him, but Will's so off his game suddenly that you don't really listen to the precedents and Supreme Court rulings and whatever. Unlike in almost every other episode of this show, it bleeps past your head like the medical talk in a doctor show. The Judge bangs his gavel, and the kid goes into lockup for up to 48 hours.
L/G
David Lee: "What the fuck are you doing in my law firm?"
Alicia: "Hi! What the fuck are you doing in my office? The body wasn't even cold."
David Lee: "If I let that stop me, I'd never get laid."
Diane: "Mrs. Florrick, hello. Welcome to our law firm that is thriving without you."
Alicia: "Ms. Lockhart, hello. Welcome to, uh... Man, I wish I'd brought cookies."
Although she certainly did enjoy the terrified moment when the girl in reception recognized her and, in her haste to announce the arrival, nearly clothes-lined herself trying to get away from the phone without taking off her headset. It's not fun for that girl, who survived just fine, but plenty fun for Alicia, who basically was that girl not long ago. Coming back having been partner, making the walls shake with every step...
Diane: "They lost Myra Gopnik to her genetic parents and they're suing us for $6 million. I promise this won't take any longer than necessary before your ass is out of my building where it belongs."
Q: "You didn't find out that the father was one-eighth Chippewa, so Indian tribal courts held sway..."
A: "No, I knew that."
Q: "Okay, did you tell them that?"
A: "Hmm. It was a long time ago!"
Q: "It was less than a year ago."
A: "I know! But a lot has happened since then! I got fired, I still haven't gotten my capital contribution back..."
Q: "You're seriously blackmailing us?"
A: "Let's just say I don't want to get an envelope with rats in it."
David Lee: "You mother..."
Diane: "Shh. Shh."
She leans forward, but her effect isn't as sad as her words; they're both playing the game in the scariest way, where you tell the truth like you're not telling the truth but just acting like you are. It's Fuck You Chicken, where the first person to get hurt loses.
"You know, sometimes I look at you and I wonder if you've changed, or if you were always this way."
In the ads this seemed like a very scary moment, but actually it's not that scary. There's still some love in it, or at least respect.
"I had some of the best teachers in the world. I couldn't help but change."
Nobody really questions that. She leaves, promising to return when she sees the check, and the partners she left behind slump back. It's not a "hell yeah", but it's not an "oh girl" either. It's just the price of owning your own firm: You know they would have dicked her around and not thought twice about it, and she can't step into their shoes anymore to see it; you know too how desperately she needs this money, and why they would never empathize with that either. It's both... it's always both.
When I took over writing about Battlestar Galactica it was right before the Pegasus showed up, so a lot of the show's fans were still locked into that post-9/11 narrative that sold a lot of seats, in the early days of that show. It carried a lot of our stuff for a while. And whenever the show tried to flip over and synthesize, or look at other perspectives, the gears would always grind a bit.
I remember the first time I referred to BSG as a "double-protagonist" show (referring to the burgeoning transcendence that came to define the show's story, which was still in its dog-whistle infancy at the time) was one of the first times the death threats really showed up at my door. I mean, the internet is a silly place full of silly people and it's hard to imagine how much, or how intensely, viewers were investing in the show. I didn't take it seriously in terms of my safety, because I'm not an idiot. But I took it very seriously in terms of the power of the story, in what a story could mean to people who were hurting.
The other times it got weird were Gossip Girl, Idol, and obviously post-Davies Who, but those were of even less consequence because those are shows that exist(ed) either to create or serve insane populations to begin with.
Not that this show has ever sold itself as being on a particular team -- the shippers and Peter- or Alicia-haters would disagree, but that's a self-selected way of invalidating your own opinion anyway -- but I still think about those days, whenever a show radically redefines itself, or when things like this happen, where the Good Guys and Bad Guys become other, more interesting, kinds of Guys.
You can see, in an episode like this (the first episode of the season, really, in terms of the show's conventions), why David Lee had to become a regular: It keeps the whole thing from spiraling off its axis into "everybody is horrible now." The tricky balance of providing multiple points of identification, of entry, rather than taking them all off the table for good: Rather than Alicia finally descending into the ratfuck stew she'd always feared, I feel like her maturation has elevated our perspective on the rats themselves.
F/A
Grace: "You look smart. Are you here because of the computers?"
Clarke Hayden (!): "No, I am here because of Cary Agos, my best friend."
Grace: "Isn't it cool how this tiny apartment is a frat house for a million lawyers?"
Clarke: "Very. But full disclosure, I have no idea what 'cool' means."
Grace: "Right back atcha, sister."
Clarke: "Girl, your financials are a mess, girl!"
Alicia: "We're a new venture!"
Clarke: "You're a shit show. You need paralegals, and a receptionist who is not a child."
Cary: "Use those magic hands, Clarke!"
Clarke: "I tried. There is only so much magic to go around. I mean, 30 percent of your hours are billed as reviewing depositions."
Alicia: "It's a manpower thing. I mean, Grace could do that, if only she could read..."
Clarke: "Outsource to Bangalore. Carey Zepps over here knows what I'm talkin' about."
Alicia: "Zach, as I have already motioned to you several times in our silent mother-son language, I am very busy getting tough love from a small adorable hobgoblin belonging to your Uncle Cary."
Zach: "This is actually important. I'm not some kid. I do one thing and I do it well, and that one thing is counter-surveillance."
Alicia: "That's true, you've always been a strange Cold War spy child. What's up?"
Zach: "Somebody is ratting your computer."
Alicia: "My cloud? There are rats in my cloud?"
Zach: "Remote Access Tool. It's a virus that uses your webcam to spy on you."
He tells her about the fairly creepy spy cam moment (which recalls the time she noticed the same thing, back when the one FBI (?) lesbian (?) was using the Treasury (?) to do ... something I don't even think I ever understood even the basics of) and immediately hurtles over the finish line of assuming it's David Lee doing it. Not Diane, she stresses; Will is unmentioned and unmentionable. Nobody can really argue it, because obviously it is something that David Lee would do.
Alicia: "They are pissed as hell over there, and not just at us."
Zach: "I know a hacker who can..."
Cary: "No, let's use it!"
Clarke: "What, you mean like, staging fake conversations? That is so childish..."
Cary: "You could be, like, my Spy Buddy."
Clarke: "...Okay we are definitely doing this. Great idea, everybody."
JAIL
Jeffrey: "I never met this girl, I don't recognize her. And I don't do drugs, or sell them, so there's no connection there. Do I even go to that school? I might not even..."
Will: "We are just reviewing all the information to provide you with a defense. Man up."
Jeffrey: "I'll try. The professor who was originally the suspect, a Dr. DeLaney, was boning her according to rumor."
Kalinda: "Sounds like a follow-up is worthwhile, there."
Jeffrey: "...As long as you understand that I didn't do it. That is not my skin under her nails. I don't even have skin. I am just guts and muscles and giant eyeballs."
Kalinda: "Seriously, cool your jets. You are coming off sketch as hell."
L/G: "Now about your male family members. You guys came here from New York, are there any other relatives around besides you and your dad?"
Jeffrey: "My sister? Oh, she's not a man. My Uncle Jim came to campus so I could fix his computer. I doubt highly that he would have taken the time to murder a girl, though. He's too busy selling garden gnomes off his front porch."
L/G: "Another likely lead."
Will: "I brought your remedial Italian textbooks so you can learn basic shit for your trip."
Jeffrey: "I got an internship in Rome year! Have you ever been? I hope so, that way we can form a shallow connection. Like we're on SVU or some crap."
Will: "Cliché alert but yes, when I was a young man like yourself, and the world was at my feet like yourself, I backpacked around there. Guess what, I loved it. A lusty place, fit for an alcoholic with emotional issues. Every block a yoga studio or tattoo parlor or some other horrible place."
Jeffrey: "Before I start crying again, what's the word on bail?"
Will: "No homo, but just trust that I will do anything in my power to make sure that pretty face never cries again."
Kalinda: "Oh, he for sure did it."
Will: "He's nervous!"
Kalinda: "Yeah, because he did it."
Diane: "I'm inclined to agree that he is shifty as balls. Maybe he was just beating her?"
Will: "I sure hope so. But either way we have to stop this!"
Diane: "Sounds good. I gotta go do something somewhere with somebody."
Will: "...Alicia. Alicia's coming to the office to be deposed about the..."
Diane: "I swear you're like Radar when it comes to that girl. You're like those bald dudes in dresses from Minority Report. Do it again, what's she gonna be wearing when I get there?"
Will: "Black. Crew neck, sleeves to the wrist."
YEP
Another theater world transplant and recent guest star, the young lawyer Schmidt who got so mad at Alicia over that abortion case a couple weeks back, is the lawyer in this one too. We're here to depose regarding who knew what about the Gopnik adoption, so we know who the real problem was.
Alicia: "Hey. How are the um, Isenstadts?"
Schmidt: "Not thrilled? Desperately sad? Living in a daily nightmare?"
Alicia: "I really do actually care. I am so sorry for them."
Schmidt: "Me too. Thanks for saying that."
David Lee: "Shut up about that stupid baby and let's do this."
Diane: "Sorry I'm late, but I had a real case to deal with."
Schmidt: "Sorry I'm impervious to your disdain, but let's do what we can to make this case quote 'real' for you. I will get very fucking real if I can. Alicia, you're up. How long were you on this adoption?"
Alicia: "About four months."
Schmidt: "And were you the supervising attorney?"
Alicia: "I did the day-to-day management, I looked at some of the documents the younger associates drew up..."
Everybody's confused for a minute because she's acting like Alicia Florrick and not this devil creature they've all been picturing her as (Schmidt included, if you remember his last shot with her) and she instantly names the associates and the documents for him, and generally is just helpful and poised, like every day Alicia. You can feel Diane relax, on one level, even as she watches them both like a hawk.
Alicia: "Really I was just shuffling paper. Mr. Lee was the partner supervising it overall."
Schmidt: "You were aware the genetic father was part Chippewa?"
Alicia: "I became aware of that."
Schmidt: "And did you also become aware of how that heritage gave the tribe an absolute right to block this adoption?"
Alicia: "I became aware of that, made the Gopniks aware of that, and they insisted on proceeding anyway."
He presses, and Diane tries to get him to move on, but he's playing a different coded game where he's trying to get Alicia to understand he's about to need her to flip on them in a big way, so he emphasizes several times -- until she gets it, actually -- how they have mistreated and fired and been dicks to her.
Here there's also this dumb thing that acts like a joke but isn't actually a joke, which is that Diane supplies the German word for Alicia's ouster, Gesundschrumpfen, as if it's the translation of "Getting pushed out of a law firm ahead of her desertion," the joke being that Germans have a compound noun for everything, which is something Baby Boomers still find funny. Since literally the translation is "healthy shrinkage" you might think she's being clever or pointed regardless, but it's actually just the German term for "downsizing," so it's a non-joke inside a joke inside another non-joke, which is one of those nuances about this episode that, taken together, coalesces into relative (but not general) dissatisfaction. The good parts are very good, so let's not dwell.
Diane: "Anyway, if that's all, let's get her the hell out of here before she takes the bait."
Schmidt: "Nope, actually. Mrs. Florrick, describe this random document to me?"
Alicia: "It's an L/G check for ten grand, made out to the Chippewa Nation, which I honestly have never seen before."
Schmidt: "Would it surprise you to learn this was a bribe intended to buy off the tribe?"
Alicia: "I mean, this is a Family Law case, which means David Lee, which means..."
David Lee: "Why does everybody accuse me of doing the shit that I secretly do? It's defamatory! Stop accusing me of my acts!"
Schmidt: "...How about this affidavit from Chief Joshua Proudfoot -- one word, just like gesundschrumpfen -- that asserts the check worked against you?"
Alicia: "I mean, that is a shocking thing to hear. Yes, technically I am surprised about this. Insofar as it's surprising that anybody is this gross."
Schmidt: "And yet you say you were performing the day-to-day..."
Diane: "Schmidt, shut it down."
Schmidt: "You're not going to turn on these bastards?"
(Endless pause.)
Alicia: "...No, I'm good."
Diane's relieved and David Lee only has one mood, surly, but listen to it: Good as in satisfied, yeah. But also good as in person, good as in Wife. She's had ratfuck teachers and solid ones, almost always in the same person, and maybe she's grown up and maybe she's a little tarnished or a little disappointed or maybe she's just gotten to know herself better, maybe the world is a mirror that tells us the stories we don't know about ourselves: She's good.
POLYTECH
DeLaney: "[Shitty mean things to his publicist.]"
Will: "Professor DeLaney? I need to talk to you about that girl you didn't kill."
DeLaney: "No thanks!"
He bounces, still just a horrible person, and Owen runs up out of nowhere. He's always been Team Will, but he's also reached a lovely understanding with Peter, which means we can trust him. Even if he's a little bit awful, just naturally. I can imagine a lot of pressures in life, I relate passably well to others, but I literally cannot imagine being the gay son of Veronica Cavanaugh. That sounds like a horror story.
Will: "Owen?"
Owen: "Dr. Cavanaugh, around these parts. I teach Math Sciences? I just got Professor of the Month, which means unlimited free fro-yo from U-Go Gurt, which even though it's not a big deal is absurdly fun to say. How is my Alicia? I haven't talked to her in at least a week. Has anything interesting happened in that time frame?"
Will: "Uhhhhhhh... Do you know that douchebag currently sprinting away from us?"
CAVANAUGH
Owen: "Keep eating that U Go Gurt, Gardner. I gotta get rid of the stuff."
Will: "Thanks. It is pretty good. Listen, was DeLaney screwing that dead girl?"
Owen: "I hate to gossip! So let's gossip! Yes. He was getting divorced, and his weird way of coping with loneliness is he started something called the B-Plus Club, which is that anybody who got above a B+ could have dinner at his house. And those nerds just went at it like rabbits."
Will: "This is a sad story. Even without it ending in death."
Owen: "Oh, I'm a frightful gossip! Oh, I'm a caution! So yeah, Dani was in the club, Jeffrey Grant was in the club. Nice kid. Good teeth. The kind of kid you don't want to see brought up on murder charges. A waste of a perfectly fine white guy. Anyway, how is my sister? Are you in love yet?"
Will: "She ... left. Three weeks ago."
Owen: "OMG. What happened?"
Will: "When I say I have no idea, I mean literally it came out of nowhere. I still feel sick when I think about it. It's like getting punched in the gut, forever."
Owen: "Siddown. You need more yogurt."
UNCLE JIM
Jim: "I am no longer selling lawn ornaments. The ones littering my entire yard and porch and stacked to the ceiling are my personal collection. I am what is known as crazy."
Kalinda: "Did you ever beat a coed to death, leaving male DNA under her nails?"
Jim: "Who are you?"
Kalinda: "I'm Kalinda! So did you ever do that?"
Jim: "No, because I'm transgender. A thing the writer of this episode just found out happens, and found interesting and hilarious. Here is a picture I keep around of before."
Kalinda: "Since this episode doesn't take place in 2013 I'm at odds and ends."
Jim: "Anyway, did you know there's a bastard half-brother? Maybe it was him."
Kalinda: "Okay, have a nice day in your life as a man."
SPY BUDDIES!
Cary: "Clarke, did you know who called me?"
Clarke: "No was it a client of Lockhart/Gardner and did they express interest in joining your firm."
Cary: "Yeah, actually! It was the Paisley Group."
Clarke: "The Paisley Group who is that wait now I remember it is Diane's top client."
Cary: "Yeah, so keep it a secret, okay?"
Clarke: "Okay I will keep it a secret from the law firm of Lockhart/Gardner where they are a top client of Diane Lockhart and I will not tell anybody because it is a secret."
Alicia: "David Lee, why are you calling me? I am watching the cutest thing."
David Lee: "You know what's cute? The timing of your partnership agreement, which is smack in the middle of that adoption."
Alicia: "Oh, shit."
David Lee: "Yeah. So, partner plus day-to-day management equals..."
Alicia: "Momma's on the hook for the full six mil. Got it. Son of a hump."
Clarke: "How was I? Was I okay? I felt a little flat during part of..."
Cary: "Are you kidding? You were phenomenal. C'mere, ya little angel."
F/A
F/A: Shits bricks about the $6 million.
Alicia: "EVERYBODY SHUT UP."
F/A: "Sorry."
Alicia: "Look, don't stress. It's my issue."
F/A: "No, it's all of us! We love you, Alicia!"
Alicia: "You love my bagels. I know the score."
No way, you're Wendy Darling and Bonus Dick is like the Tinkerbell: a nasty little bitch that won't shut up and never stops trying to get you killed. Maybe they need a little supervising, or civilizing, but other than Bonus Dick they are super sweet! In fact, I will call them Sweet F/A from now on.
Cary: "They come for you, they come for us all."
Alicia: "You're the only one I actually believe."
Clarke: "What is happening? I heard a dollar sign."
Alicia: "Somebody explain it to Clarke."
Owen: "Ding-dong! Anybody know where I can find a lawyer?"
Alicia: "LOL, there's like a hundred in here. Who told you, Mom?"
Owen: "Just look at 'em. Uh, no. Not Mom. I... You really are doing this in your living room. Wow. Let's sit down and hash this out a little bit."
Owen: "So it was Will, actually. We're like best friends now? U Go Gurt friends."
Alicia: "I so wait um hey listen uh who what?"
Owen: "You look adorable when your eyes cross like that. I bumped into him on campus, it wasn't anything secretive. I had to force him to talk about you, and he said..."
Alicia: "Word for word, please."
Owen: "Not my strong suit. But hey, why didn't you tell me all this spicy dish?"
Alicia: "Because it happened five seconds ago and I'm now entrusted with the care and feeding of about a hundred frat boys, including one of their pets, an adorable hobgoblin?"
Owen: "So what actually happened? I know you never talk, so it would really help. On behalf of like, the entire viewing audience, if you were to actually say it."
Alicia: "Will pushed me out, short version."
Owen: "Long version being that you were stealing clients?"
Alicia: "Motherfucker said that? I have a very strong personal belief that something other than that was happening."
Owen: "No, he was perfectly level about it. I'm just looking at your body language, you're in Warrior Princess mode and I..."
Alicia: "You're like the creepiest concept of a gay dude from 1995 as imagined by a person who is still in 1995 and also never met a gay dude."
Owen: "We say the lines as printed, sweetheart."
Alicia: "It is true that I am kicking ass."
Owen: "No doubt! But also I know why you really left L/G. It was the end of last season."
Alicia: "Oh, this should be good."
Owen: "You wanted to keep Will at arm's length so you wouldn't leave your marriage."
Alicia: "Do you want some food or to talk to cute lawyers or hey the kids are here, you can bother them with your psychic powers."
Owen: "It's like, the nuclear option."
Alicia: "I hate this with every molecule of my body."
Owen: "Am I wrong?"
Alicia: "If I squeeze my eyes very tight, will one or the other of us possibly be teleported very far away? You're the scientist, you tell me. Is that a thing that could ever happen?"
Grace: "Why's Mom doing that? Is she praying? Well done, Mother."
Alicia: "God no. Just entertaining your plot device of an uncle."
Grace: "Can you point me in the direction of Zach? It is for no particular reason."
Zach: "I'm here, what do you want? Do you want me to beat up some boys for looking at you? Do I need to spank you for being naughty?"
Grace: "Possibly both. Come with me."
They inch adorably around the corner toward her room, and she motions a few times with her head toward her computer, whose spy cam is activated! David Lee be creepin' on a kid! Very quietly, they whisper about how this started up about five minutes ago. It's satisfying, if you don't know the endgame, because they are being just precious at the moment.
HALLWAY
Cary: "I was just coming to say goodbye, you sneaked away without even a hug!"
Clarke: "Sorry, I was having an epiphany."
Cary: "You are so competent! Tell me, tell me!"
Clarke: "It's about Mrs. Florrick's lawsuit..."
Cary: "What do you know?"
Clarke: "Baby, I know it all."
Cary: "ALICIA! CLARKE DID IT! I DON'T KNOW WHAT YET, BUT HE DID IT!"
L/G RECEPTION
David Lee: "Schmidt, just give up. You'll never win."
Schmidt: "Good. I like fighting a losing fight. It keeps you sharp."
David Lee: "But if you don't respond to threats, how will I intimidate you?"
Schmidt: "You're gonna love this. Three, two..."
Ding!
Clarke: "I'm here to be deposed. Hello, David Lee."
David Lee: "Ugh."
Clarke's wearing a barely rumpled black suit/red tie/white shirt. The most classic of all the forms of cuteness that exist in the corporate world. What does it mean? I have a hard time putting it into words, but I know you gotta be portly and do something with accounting, or else you seem a little creepy and not cute at all. I have requested more information from my friends in the public sector, I will let you know what they say.
HAYDEN DEPO
Schmidt: "And how do you know this, sir?"
Clarke: "I was the bankruptcy trustee for Lockhart/Gardner at the time of these events."
David Lee, again: "Judas!"
Schmidt: "Did you get that, court reporter? Mr. Lee, in a clumsy attempt at intimidation, may have said it too quietly. He said 'Judas.' As in Judas Iscariot. The betrayer of Christ."
I cannot fully describe to you how beautifully and mordantly and epically he says this, but it's so wonderful and withering that even David Lee shuts the fuck up, for like the first time in his horrible life. Mr. Schmidt, Esq., I may have fallen.
Clarke: "So anyway, I memorized their books."
L/G: "A lot of which would be privileged, no?"
Clarke: "Not this shit. Listen, it's true the period of this adoption coincides with Mrs. Florrick's bullshit promotion. But I made the recommendation -- also at that time -- that Will and Diane needed more partner hours on the books, and David Lee was assigned as the lawyer of record."
Schmidt: "Making him the one that's personally liable for the six mil?"
Clarke: "In addition to being a huge douchebag, yes."
DUMB THINGS 1 & 2
#1. Kalinda walks up to the half-brother, who is gross, and who is grossly chewing some gum, in this case about DNA. Right before she mentions the date of the murder (and after we've had it confirmed that he's a Ketamine dealer on the side) he spits his gum on the floor. A short time later, Kalinda picks herself up off that self-same floor, etc. Exactly what you think happens, happens, in the same way that the most famous person you see in the first ten minutes of any episode of Law & Order is going to be the suspect, and then not be the suspect, and then turn out to be the murderer. That's not our show. It's a fine way to make a show, it clearly works considering the top hundred shows in prime time are exactly that show, but it's not our show. And Kalinda getting poleaxed by gender and knocked on her ass and then scraping gum off the floor, that's not our goddamn Kalinda. Therefore, this didn't happen. Keep moving.
#2. Zach goes Googling (ChumHumming) for naked pictures of his sister, and he finds them on like the fifth page of results, and looks at every single one of them for about an hour, and then he stomps into her room -- again, without a knock -- and rips the damned Ethernet cable out of the wall, because how dare anybody look at his naked sister.
So tired of this. So ready for it to be something less fucked up and more like a relatable story. Or for them to act like they actually act, which is that Grace would throw a motherfucking fit right in the camera and probably flash her boobs while calling the guy a dick, then drop to her knees in prayer. Instead, creepy brothers doing creepy brother things, because this episode is a creep, and hopefully we're getting nearer a place of Grace telling her teenage brother he's not her fucking father and they are not in a fundamentalist cult and therefore he needs to be supportive, instead of controlling. But not this week, no. Nobody wins here.
LEE DEPO
Martha says the outfits Clarke Hayden is wearing (based on a picture I sent her of a gorilla wearing a black suit and red power tie, which I selected and sent to her purposely as an act of whimsy) denote someone whose idea of importance is a man in a Republican Presidential debate. It is a look that attempts and fails to say, and I quote, "I am a man who takes things seriously, but is also brave enough to wear red, which tells you that I can get more than just your taxes done, unless that is all that you want me to do, in which case, okay, but I will also lower them."
Which, to be fair, is exactly the sort of man I find most attractive, so there we are.
I said further that the ineffable thing about it was that it looks best to me on a person who is portly and works with numbers, and she said that in this case he "manages to look neither like an account nor a lawyer, but rather the unlikely republican governor of Rhode Island who is preparing himself to valiantly lose on the national stage, after which he will return home and switch out the bright red for maroon. Much like Nathan Lane will, after the shine of being a crusading lawyer wears off slightly and he realizes that it is highly unlikely that he will grow up to be Diane."
More as this story develops, but I'm starting to think there's not a secret sartorial code in play here. Maybe I'm just really into jerks? I dunno, I don't have a gay brother to come bust up into my house and lecture me about these things. (As far as I know). But the last thing I want to do is spread the idea that boys don't look adorable in this outfit, because they really do. Clarke Hayden, for example, looks like the teddy bear you might receive with a cheap balloon bouquet once you pass the Bar/Series 7. What is cuter than that?
Schmidt: "Stop dicking me around, David Lee. Alicia is sitting outside this conference room freaking out because she's a sitting duck in this law firm, out there waiting to be re-deposed. Act right."
David Lee: "Fine, I brought them in the door. But I didn't send that check. Guess who did? It is a plot twist you will never see coming, because it makes very little sense."
You know, it's possible the shirt is actually a very, very pale pink. I have officially spent way too much time thinking about this.
The door keeps opening and closing on that conversation, so we only hear parts of it, which is very cool. When the deposition goes silent, Will's voice comes up, and vice versa. Her whole body goes on red alert, because how awkward!
Will: "Okay, so it's the brother, I think. And Geneva already has the gum..."
He comes around the corner, and they stare -- her straight back, his broken heart -- and then he just keeps walking. The door opens again.
David Lee: "That shitty fourth-year that won't shut up about bonuses. I wish I'd killed him when I had the chance. I could have killed them all!"
Schmidt: "I mean, and you had no idea? And you're saying this on record? Because that's very convenient..."
Alicia: "Nope. No it is not. Or is it? I can see that going either way. Good thing Edelman is twice the untrustworthy creep we thought Carey was, and every bit as gross as David Lee. OTOH, something else to think about besides the hell moment that just happened, so... that's good?"
F/A
Bonus Dick: "Yeah, I sent it! Come at me, bro! I wanted to win the case!"
Everybody: "But you didn't. They lost their baby. You grossed out the Chippewa."
Bonus Dick: "And we bounced! So suck it!"
Carey: "And now Alicia is screwed. And you're like, the only person of color any of us knows, which is only going to get weirder down the line..."
Cary: "Did anybody sign off? Did David Lee okay this?"
Bonus Dick: "No. Wait, Howard Lyman approved it."
Alicia: "Then let's get you in there with Carter Schmidt. He's awesome now, btw."
MANY MORE DUMB THINGS
#1 & 2. As Zach is forcing his sister to undress in front of her webcam (no big deal, just long enough so he can trace the IP address or whatever the fuck) Geneva and Will discuss her sudden change of heart and how she wants to make a deal. Will and Diane slap hands on his way out the office to make the deal, and Will heads to see Geneva.
#3. Owen meets him at the elevator, and, again, Will unconsciously echoes Alicia's dialogue when he's like, "I cannot do this with you right now, literally." So they get on the elevator together, because where else are you gonna discuss this?
The conversation itself is pretty cringe-worthy, like fan fiction or something writing for somebody in the audience they have heard of but never met called a "shipper," but the basics are that Owen is there for Team Willicia, and won't be turned away. Which is interesting to me mostly because he and Veronica have now both come at Will with the exact same agenda but opposite reasons. Owen because he wants Alicia with Will, and Veronica because she hates the shit out of Peter.
Or, more precisely, Owen because he wants Alicia to be happy with Will, and Veronica because she's terrified Alicia will be happy with Peter.
Anyway, he trumpets his/our theory that this was all about getting away from Will: "You think she was dying to start her own firm? They're reusing paper clips!" But Will, to his credit, listens the full length of the elevator ride and then firmly, politely, informs Owen that it's just over. He can lay down his weapons and his weirdly weepy eyes and whatever else at his disposal, and give up. It might be ridiculous, a "ridiculous war," but as long as she stays off his turf it's almost as good as the real thing, because the "real thing" never was. At least the war is honest.
#4. Zach punches the lights out of the boy at school that is actually behind the ratting and, saying it now because I don't want to revisit this ever again, at the end of the episode Grace is absurdly grateful to him for getting a black eye on behalf of her sisterly vagina, and they are both charmless and devoted to one another in a way I hope to never see again except maybe in my nightmares. Oh, and nobody tells Alicia any of this because it's too weird and incest-y, so she ends the episode still thinking that David Lee has her life bugged, which causes her to act clueless and stupid in front of him on at least one occasion. This is the point at which -- between the home creepiness and the Alicia dumbness -- this whole webcam thing became the new Kalinda's Husband, in my opinion. Just kill it.
JAIL
Will: "A plea bargain means they're scared! They are worried about evidence!"
Jeffrey: "Did you guys not just tell somebody, in the last episode, that this is a classic Geneva move?"
Will: "Yeah! And I'm gonna fall for it because you're pretty and white!"
Geneva: "Involuntary manslaughter. Two years."
Will: "Bite me, Geneva."
Geneva: "Two years versus life, Jeffrey."
Will: "Thanks Geneva, say goodbye."
Geneva: "You want go to Italy at some point in your life? Take the deal."
Will: "Get out, Geneva."
She leaves, and Will notices that Jeffrey is losing his damn mind, so he sits down to ask him two very distinct questions, that happen to be homonyms. The second is rhetorical, the first is something Alicia was born able to do and Will probably will never learn.
Q1: "Did you murder this girl."
Q2: "Do you feel like you should be put in jail for the murder of this girl."
Two radically different questions, to which Jeffrey gives duplicate answers: No, and no.
"Is there any way this is your skin under her nails? Because if not, do not take this deal. If you have never met this girl and don't recognize her -- if you are innocent -- do not take this deal. Say out loud to me, I reject this deal."
What he means is, "Say I'm good."
BIT LATER
Will: "Geneva, why am I in your office? Is this about a new offer?"
Geneva: "In a way, I guess. You should have taken the deal."
Will: "Haven't you checked the gum yet? It was the brother."
Geneva: "We did check the gum, it wasn't him. And I expedited Jeffrey's DNA after charging him with the murder, and he did do it. 100 percent match."
Will: "No way, have you seen that kid's teeth? We both like Italy! And such things."
Geneva: "People lie, Will. I'm sorry but they do. Even to you."
But I think a little bit of him is thinking that she would have known. This is her case, her client family, and she would have looked in those eyes and seen what he was: Not a mirror, looking back, but a scared kid who killed somebody. Which isn't yearning, so much as the fact that when she left, she tore the universe in half, and now nothing works, and even pretty boys are sick inside, and he doesn't know why she did it, which means it's all still on her.
Midsummer Night's Dream, oh I hate it. Just a bunch of mincing around. But I like these parts specifically, the parts where Titania and Oberon are having a fight -- a custody battle over a little Indian boy, a changeling -- and she's gone away, won't come back, and Oberon's jealous and mad and nuts about it. So the moon is off, and the seasons act weird, and people have animal heads, and love potions, and fairies are all around being dumb, and the whole thing is just this circus of thunder and mistakes and rude mechanics. Their feelings make the weather.
When she left him, she broke the universe.
EDELMAN DEPO
Schmidt: "Okay, as associate on this adoption, did you send Chief Joshua Proudfoot of the Chippewa Nation a check for ten thousand dollars to induce the tribe not to object to the adoption? And at whose direction?"
Bonus Dick: "Alicia Florrick."
Alicia: "The fuck?"
Schmidt: "The fuck?"
Bonus Dick: "She said we had to do it, to get the adoption through."
Alicia: "Seriously, what are you doing?"
Diane: "I'd remind Mrs. Florrick that she is not a party to this deposition, she's here as a courtesy..."
David Lee: "...And if she interrupts again, she'll be asked to leave."
Schmidt: "Okay, anybody else? Were you working with any other partners?"
Bonus Dick: "Nope, just her."
And a few moments later, guess who's gotten another one of those shiny new partnerships? You should have given him back when you had the chance, Titania.
Alicia: "Gross me out! And this is that spice thing, I know it."
David Lee: "No idea what you're talking about. Honestly."
Alicia: "I will file a complaint with the ACDB, I will sue you for conspiracy..."
David Lee: "I like it when you sound nuts."
Alicia: "Stop ratting our computers! It's illegal!"
David Lee: "Yeah, like that. Anyway, good luck coming up with six million bucks. Bye!"
JAIL
Jeffrey: "I didn't lie!"
Will: "Well, you fucked yourself either way. So have fun with that."
Jeffrey: "But my DNA!"
Will: "Yeah, it's a pisser. Don't talk to anybody in County, they're snitches there."
Jeffrey: "I don't deserve this! Look at me! Welcome to my gun show!"
Will: "Yeah. Don't kill girls, I think, is the moral of this story. You sit tight."
Actually he's a lot more weepy and supportive and brokenhearted about it, which I get being the tough part of defense law and I normally like it, but in this case I don't get the point at all:
"Oh, that poor little boy for killing that woman and being punished appropriately. Oh, how sad when a rich white kid can't play the system. Oh, I am going to go cry myself to sleep over justice being served."
Should have just left it with the Geneva scene and not come back for more, because when you add this bathos to the equally bizarre, creepy misogyny vibe with the kids, it really comes back looking pretty ugly, altogether. I still don't hate this one quite as much as the DOMA one, but it's the only other episode, off the top of my head, that I would put in that category.
SWEET F/A
Carey: "First of all, welcome home. We missed you. Second of all, we hate Anthony."
Alicia: "How much would you guys say he can hurt us?"
Cary: "Every way. In all the ways."
Cary steers her gently into the kitchen with a hand to her back, and it's such a tender gesture that on first viewing it literally erased that last dumb scene from my memory.
Cary: "Upside, I have something magical for you."
Alicia: "Is this where you ask if we can keep him as a pet?"
Cary: "You know me so well! But watch him do the pitch. I dare you to watch this and keep a straight face. It is so fucking cute."
Clarke: "Ahem. Even without offices, you're dying from overhead. Malpractice insurance, salary, marketing. Even my fee, overhead abounds. You need to be billing hours, loads of them. And you're down a partner now, thanks to Bonus Dick. So..."
Alicia: "You want to work here."
Clarke: "I passed the Bar, Mrs. Florrick, and you need someone with business expertise. Your books are in disarray. I'll get you on your feet, like Diane never would let me do."
Cary: "And, AND, he will work: For free."
Alicia: "What's the catch?"
Clarke: "No catch. My people are incapable of guile, on this side of the hedge."
Alicia: "Okay, but like why?"
Clarke: "Um..."
Cary: "Not important. Move on."
Clarke: "Because I am in love with ... enamored of ... crushin' on... Uh, the law. It's Lady Justice that I have a picture of in my wallet. And when you're -- when we -- are in the black, I'll take a retroactive salary."
Alicia: "Sounds good. I like you, they hate you, and Cary loves you back. So as far as I can see, the only loser here is Other Carey, which, who knows. Maybe they'll end up fighting over you. Guys are weird sometimes."
Clarke: "You're tellin' me, sister. Whose idea do you think this was?"
Cary: "Yesssss. You get the blankets, I'll start grabbing pillows. Tonight, we fort like kings."
WEEK
Clarke Hayden can't be the only woodland creature to find love in a hopeless place, and since it's only a matter of time before Marilyn figures out that Eli is a huge liability anyway, might as well drop Natalie Flores back in his pot o' gold. Meanwhile, Sweet F/A gets their first client…possibly even with chairs to sit in! Plus, Will's garbage spiral continues, redoubled after this week's many unnecessary visitors to his newer, heavy metal-er Law Firm Of Total World Destruction.
JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps The Good Wife, Homeland, Hostages, Ravenswood, and Masters Of Sex for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, Twitter, and Facebook, as well as a regular column for Tor.com, Geek Love.