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The day, everyone has slept soundly for the first time in five years. Will's hooking with the absolute worst person in the entire universe, a crazy-eyes free spirit tattoo artist, and feeling "awake" and alive, ready to do battle with nobody by his side. Diane wakes up excited about her last-ever court case (number 424) as a lawyer, and even more excited that it's a gun-control wedge case (which will make her feel better about marrying Kurt McVeigh).
Alicia, on the other hand, oversleeps -- she's been through a lot! -- and wakes up to about a million fourth-years, workmen... And Marilyn Garbanza, who wants to give the new firm a twenty-minute PowerPoint presentation about ethics, as usual. Alicia pointedly blows her off, and then manipulates a client into coming to the new firm. That new client? Diane's gun-control case, the widow of a man who was killed by a defective gun while defending against a robbery.
Nancy Crozier, underutilized but always nice to see, represents the gun manufacturer in the suit, and uses the creepy Lawful Protection of Commerce in Arms Act, along with a hair-split in legal language surrounding the crime, to cover their asses. It's eventually determined (by Judge Richard Kind) that the crime itself needs to be resolved just in case the gun becomes inadmissible, so Cary helps defend the criminal against ASA Geneva Pine to prove no crime was actually committed on paper.
Lockhart/Gardner fools around with their files, sending first boxes full of plastic and stuffed rats and eventually the files themselves, fully redacted; thinking outside the box, Alicia decides to press the issue by bringing their disagreement to Lionel Deerfield's ACBD, the Attorney Disciplinary Board that suspended Will last year. Diane and Will show up very aggressive, which in Will's case is kind of a turn-on but for Alicia represents a major throwing-down of the gauntlet, and Alicia eventually brings both Lionel and Kurt McVeigh to side with her, regarding this case she stole from Diane.
With her home under the constant invasion of leering fourth-years and a newly boy-crazy Grace's sexual curiosity, and craving the legitimacy of a working office -- not to mention invigorated by an episode's worth of sexy/angry sparring with Will across the conference table -- Alicia is sick of waiting, and ready to move into a shared space with a tax law firm, which Cary worries will put them in a top-heavy corporate environment not unlike the one they've just left. (Me, I'll just miss seeing Robyn Burdine in the back of every scene, perching on sofas and countertops, chirping her oracular clues, eating her pizza backwards like a crazy person.)
When Alicia realizes that the apparently pregnant Garbanza's playing a Wendy Scott-Carr game of some kind, playing both her and Cary (who spills yet more beans this week) with a Patti Nyholm-style pregnancy play, she knows something's gotta give. Marilyn swears she's just doing her job, trying to protect Peter's office and family with all this sneaking around and acting sneaky, but Alicia's not having it, and calls for a vote from the F/A partners to join forces with this tax firm before she drowns. (Later, I think, she'll see how strong Marilyn's advice -- particularly about shutting Cary Agos the hell up once in a while -- actually is.)
While Diane, at the bottom of things, finally prevails -- the gun client returns to her side after L/G's shell game with the files works -- it's at great cost: Kalinda confirms Deerfield's hint that she's being passed over for the Judgeship, and there's a horrible bathroom crying jag. But she uses F/A's strategy for her case, presumably wins, and shows up in Will's office after a devastating kiss-off from Peter himself: She'll be coming back to the house she built, and rejoining forces with Will Gardner for the single purpose of destroying everyone in their path.
We end 48 hours or so after the Red Wedding, with Diane back at Lockhart/Gardner and Alicia cracking up when she realizes Will's just bought out the entire tax law firm they were voting to join. While it's nice to see Will and Alicia excited about everything, one wonders if they won't end up burning down the entire city of Chicago in the process. Likewise, it's strange to see Diane taking this stuff so personally, but that'll probably pass.
Mostly I just can't believe they've kept up the momentum of the season so impressively: This was like a hybrid between last week's episode and a "regular" episode, with the back-and-forth plotty switcheroos amped up insanely by all the personal history and agendas behind the scenes. Alicia's continued compromises -- and Cary's level-headed approach -- make for a chemistry every bit as compelling as Diane and Will's, and every bit as morally vertiginous as either of them at their riskiest.
In the end, though, what sticks is how once again we see how hard Alicia works to maintain the narrative of her moral sanctity, and delusion that Peter's actions aren't related to her own. It's always been my feeling that Peter's adultery was a symptom, not a cause, of his arrogance: Now that she's openly lying about the obvious benefits, like denying that his "internet taxation" ad-lib had anything to do with Neil Gross's change of heart, is this a self-indulgence she can sustain for much longer? And how much does her suspicion of Ethics Officer Garbanza have to do with the demise of St. Alicia as we knew her?
Week: Will and Alicia continue to have sex without touching, Zach discovers webcam nonsense going on in the house, and Clarke Hayden arrives to make Cary smile that secret special way that he only reserves for when Clarke Hayden is around, and I guess also offer financial advice.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!PREVIOUSLY
Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end, or so the poets say. Cary and Alicia are so hype on being "the new Diane and Will" that they are becoming the new Diane and Will, and it ain't pretty. Peter, in an attempt to quash his Marilyn boner, has become 100 percent werewolf monster on Alicia's behalf, and she is loving it.
THE DAY
Diane wakes up looking flawless, because she is totally flawless, and wearing a nightgown like an Elvish princess. She is running hot this morning because -- she thinks -- it's her last-ever case as a regular lawyer.
Diane: "I'm so nervous I got notecards! I am writing things on notecards!"
Kurt: "How many cases have you argued?"
Diane: "423."
Kurt: "So this'll be 424. Think of it that way."
Diane: "I prefer to think of it as pay-as-you-go karma, for marrying a gun nut."
Kurt: "Just don't embarrass yourself."
Diane: "I love these little talks."
Will wakes up under a horrible person, because he is a horrible person when he's in a spiral, and they talk about tattoos while she grinds on his dick in her tattoo studio. I know her name but I feel like pretending I don't, because some people simply don't rate.
Tattoo: "I am like that awful Lisa Edelstein woman you dated, only vastly creepier. I say things like how you should get a tattoo because it quote 'hurts soooo good.'"
Will: "That checks out, sure. You can always judge a book by its cover, and your book reads Fifty Shades Of Cray. An erotic journey into my own self-hatred."
Tattoo: "I like doing naked yoga in my tattoo studio, because I am the worst."
Will: "You absolutely are."
Alicia wakes up looking confused, because she is a confused person who doesn't understand why a lovely dream should be interrupted by the pokings of Grace Florrick, professional poker and irritator.
Alicia: "What is even going on? Did I sleep for a hundred hours?"
Grace: "There's a law firm out in the living room. Poke poke wakey-wakey poke poke."
Alicia: "Quit poking me. You're like the mom today. Or so I would imagine, given that my real mom is a feral wolverine covered in jewels and my mother-in-law is a drunk swamp witch."
Grace, verbatim: "Brush your teeth, and do not lose any more clients."
Alicia: "That is like the most charming thing you've ever said."
FLORRICK/AGOS
Cary: "Where do we put things? All these things."
Alicia: "Places. All the places."
Carey: "We found a lead on offices. Wallis & Frey."
Alicia: "The tax firm? Are they cool enough for our rock-and-roll lifestyle?"
Carey: "They are busting up, new lawyers kicking out the old, and they have empties."
Alicia: "I cannot wait to get you motherfuckers out of my house! I mean, I love having you motherfuckers in my house. I mean, good morning."
Ding-dong.
Marilyn: "I just showed up out of nowhere without phoning, because I'm sneaky."
Alicia: "Why are you here though?"
Marilyn: "Got a minute?"
Alicia: "Why are you here though?"
Marilyn: "I just heard about your new firm -- congrats -- and I wanted to catch you..."
Alicia: "Before I fucked up? Get lost."
Marilyn: "No! It's just, the Ethics rules for the Governor can be quite counterintuitive."
Alicia: "The shit you say."
Marilyn: "I mean, they're constantly changing."
Alicia: "Marilyn, not to be rude, but fuck off. I am clearly really busy."
A confused-looking L/G client wanders in from down the hall.
Heather: "Speaking of you being busy, how come they told me you don't work at your work? The man now in your office told me to 'get lost.' It was like a parallel universe of meanness."
Alicia: "Sorry about that, hang on. Marilyn, did I not just tell you to fuck off?"
Marilyn: "Yeah, I'll come back later. Specifically, whenever I feel like it."
Alicia: "Okay, Heather. Sorry you are getting burned like every other client by this sneaky plan we sneaked, but I'm glad you're here now so I can manipulate you into leaving L/G."
Heather: "I'm listening. How?"
Alicia: "Mostly some eyebrow work. A lot of pregnant pauses."
Heather: "Okay, I'm in!"
JUDGE DAVIES PRESIDING
Diane's case is that a man got killed during a robbery by his own gun, which was knocked out of his hand by one of the robbers and discharged accidentally. Nancy's case is that the Protection of Lawful Commerce in Arms Act -- "a reprehensible law," as the judge correctly points out -- outlaws all suits against gun manufacturers, because guns don't kill people and it's offensive to suggest otherwise.
The PLCAA protects firearms manufacturers and dealers from being held liable when crimes have been committed with their products (while preserving several other kids of suits, as we'll learn throughout the episode): Basically, it makes sure we treat guns the same way we do cars, refrigerators, and buzzsaws, since just like those things, they are not made exclusively to kill people. When Bush signed it into law, the NRA thanked him for "the most significant piece of pro-gun legislation in twenty years into law."
Diane: "I don't know where my client is, but Nancy Crozier is an asshole."
Nancy: "Valid. Either way, the point is that the gun went off during a crime."
Diane: "Yeah, but it was the victim's gun! You're splitting hairs!"
Nancy: "Actually this gross law was made to protect an entire industry from being held responsible for itself either way, so actually you're the one playing semantics games. Even if you did, though, he wasn't holding it after he dropped it, so he wasn't in possession of it when it went off."
Judge: "This is gross anyways, but I also need to talk to you guys in chambers real quick."
Nancy does that quick-twist anger thing she does, where the mask slips, but gets herself under control and they head back... To where Alicia and Cary are sitting with Heather! Who is the widow of the guy! Alicia accidentally stole Diane's most important and final case!
Diane: "What the shit is this?"
Alicia: "The day. To be honest, I may not have an entirely accurate idea of how hardcore a power move this is."
Judge: "So Heather, you're looking to change law firms?"
Diane: "This is bullshit. Your Honor, we recently fired ten lawyers for poaching..."
Cary: "Not poaching."
Diane: "Yes poaching. Negotiating behind our backs with our top clients."
Davies (the liberal sweetie judge played by Richard Kind) does his Judge Quirk for a while, a thing he makes baby thugs do, in which he makes everybody clench a fist and then SQUASH it with the other fist. In order of cuteness, the cuteness of them doing this goes Cary, Heather, Nancy, Alicia, Diane. But far and away, Cary. Cary squashing it.
Diane: I am personally offended! I've been developing this case for two years."
Alicia: "Your name was on it, but no, it was me and Cary. You don't know Heather like that."
Heather: "It's true, you don't really know me like that."
Alicia: "Your Honor, we have are invoices detailing out partner vs. associate hours..."
Diane: "Billing is not an effective way to determine work!"
Alicia, loving it: "I fucking dare you to say that again."
Judge Davies makes them squash it some more and then makes Alicia and Diane stay on opposite sides of the room and call Heather's name to see who she loves more.
Diane: "Heather, I have made it my life to fight for gun control. This is the wedge issue to drive into the PLCAA..."
Heather: "That'll be true either way. I choose Alicia and Cary."
Cary: "Then we're gonna need the files, transferred to our office, no monkeying around."
Diane: "What law firm? You're in Alicia's living room!"
Cary: "Either way, these aren't L/G files. I wouldn't worry about the rest of it."
Diane walks out without even speaking, and cocky dumb Cary heckles her all the way out, and it's nice to see him feelin' his oats but also scary because you should at least have a bank account before your mouth starts writing checks. I felt like last week they made sure we understood that Cary running his mouth was going to be a huge thing this season, and then later in the episode Marilyn just says it out loud, so now you know for sure.
LOCKHART/GARDNER
Will: "How did it go? Was Nancy Crozier insufferable?"
Diane: "Didn't even get there. They took it."
Will: "Your case? Who took your case?"
Diane: "WHOM DO YOU THINK?"
Something about her voice approaches hysteria, and before you know it Will's gone into Peter Mode, 100 percent werewolf monster, because they hurt Diane's big going-away case but mostly because all he wants to do is tussle with Florrick/Agos and have angry grinning stare-sex with Alicia all the time and this is how you do it. By letting them take cases and then spanking them to get 'em back.
F/A
Robyn: "How was it? Was Nancy Crozier insufferable?"
Alicia: "Didn't even get there yet, but I'm sure she was. We need a building. Diane was making fun of us for having our law firm in a living room. She was not wrong."
Carey: "Oh, about that. The Wallis & Frey thing was a dud, they want us to join their firm. Split the space, lease, clients."
Bonus Dickhead: "No. They're tax attorneys. Rock-and-roll lifestyle."
Alicia: "Tax attorneys with office space, though."
Cary: "Alicia, no. We just got out from under Lockhart/Gardner. We can't immediately shackle ourselves into another corporate..."
Alicia: "'Scuse me but there is a Melissa George in my kitchen drinking water."
Alicia: "Marilyn, why are you in my kitchen drinking a glass of water?"
Marilyn: "Because I feel woozy!"
Alicia: "Yeah but WHY ARE YOU HERE THOUGH."
Marilyn: "I just want to give a short, convenient PowerPoint presentation on the ethical rules of a startup..."
Alicia: "Do you not realize you have an Eli Gold at your job? There are actual ethical problems happening, yards from your desk, at this very moment. Go to work, Marilyn."
Marilyn: "First of all can I throw up all over your house?"
Alicia rushes her back to the master bath, Marilyn sweetly and awkwardly apologizing the entre way, and then when she's done Alicia goes in there to stare at her and watch her do this one move with her hair, over and over. Even after barfing her hair is still wildly beautiful and her makeup is still super-intense. Her eyeballs are like two rare, very lovely, very hairy jungle moths.
Alicia: "You wanna explain this drama right here?"
Marilyn: "I am pregnant!"
Alicia: "Oh, that changes everything because sometimes I turn into a Pinterest Mom without warning."
Marilyn: "Have you read What To Expect When You're Expecting? What is that bullshit?"
Alicia: "They don't sugarcoat it. Just don't see the movie. And avoid the chapter on complications..."
Marilyn: "Too late!"
They bond over the magic of ladies for awhile, and Alicia feels bad for hating her so hard. But it's Melissa George! One way or another, homegirl is gonna turn out a serial killer.
My new theory is that Wendy Scott-Carr is inside her body, operating it like a robot, and she's not actually pregnant with a baby but with Wendy Scott-Carr, and one of these days she's going to barf so hard that an entire Wendy Scott-Carr will pop out and just be like, "Marilyn Garbanza was merely a clever disguise!"
Marilyn: "Listen, you're being really awesome. Sorry I keep showing up."
Alicia: "It's okay. One more hardly matters, and now that I know you're pregnant I can mentally discount you like people are always doing to women, no matter how many Patti Nyholms or Caitlin D'Arcy's I meet. I too am giving birth, to a small business. You want to come by tomorrow and give your dumb presentation?"
Marilyn: "You would not believe how happy that makes me. Thanks. Can I just chill out here in your personal bathroom on the floor for a while?"
Grace: "Mom? Guys just delivered some boxes..."
Cary: "Are you serious?"
Alicia: "Wow, I guess sometimes people can really surpr... WTF is that?"
Robyn: "All of these boxes are full of rats. Plastic rats, fuzzy stuffed rats, keychains and light-up robot rats, Halloween rats with spooky eyes."
Alicia: "Please tell me this is from Will Gardner so I can get all horny."
To F/A: We are doing our best to accommodate your request! In the meantime, please accept the contents of your desks as a goodwill gesture. Will Gardner, Managing Partner.
Alicia: "Thank God. It wouldn't be worth anything if this was another way of David Lee calling us vermin. That's not sexy at all."
Robyn: "Why did you guys have so many rats in your desks? Is that a lawyer thing?"
Alicia: "Come on, Robyn. Let's go after Will in a way that will make him incredibly angry, but also confirms that we are doing ESP sex to each other."
LOCKHART/GARDNER
"The plan is simple. We are in a superior position to branch out from Chicago to New York, and then LA. But we need to act now."
David Lee: "I have clients wondering about our losses..."
Will: "David, no talking yet. I am feeling my oats and also this was just prelude to my point, which is that our first move is destabilizing our competitors."
He slides a bunch of portfolios across the table, like a bad ass: The Top 12 litigators at their competing firms, one of each to be head-hunted by every partner.
Will: "David, you can talk now. Boom!"
Asst: "So uh, they just delivered this..."
Will: "Ha! Nice."
Diane: "Is it a subpoena for our files?"
Will: "No, it is way awesomer than that. They're taking us to ACDB."
Diane: "The Disciplinary Board that suspended you last season? Alicia's kind of a bitch!"
Will: "I know, isn't it awesome?"
Diane: "Don't let her get in your head..."
Will: "That's exactly where I want her. You don't get this game at all."
CREDITS
Nancy: "Since they don't know what the hell is going on, maybe I should summarize..."
Judge: "Everybody knows what you said, Nancy. Don't be a dork, Nancy."
Alicia: "Yeah, we read the transcripts, Nancy. Your Honor, please deny her motion to dismiss."
Nancy: "What, you don't believe in the Protection of Arms Act? Because that's the law of the land, placed there by a corporate body clever enough to turn their tax breaks and legal immunity into a national religion for stupid people."
Judge: "You need to quit playing me, freak."
Nancy: "I'm speaking from my heart! I have never fired a gun in my life, but I do believe in the law. Don't you?"
Judge: "Yes, you are a good cheerleader for justice. Take it down a notch."
F/A: "The thing is that we don't know that it went off during a crime."
Nancy: "Yeah, we do? They were robbing the car wash..."
F/A: "They were accused of robbing a car wash. One of them is dead, and the other one is currently on trial in Cook County criminal court."
Judge: "Oh, good one. Nancy?"
Nancy: "He's being prosecuted, though!"
Cary: "Yeah, and when he's found guilty you'll have a PLCAA case. Until then, squash it."
Judge: "Fine. In the meantime, we'll move on to the question of defects..."
Nancy huddles with the gun lobby, who are exactly the dour Politico-looking draculas you would think.
Judge: "Nancy, does your vampire coven agree?"
Nancy: "I guess so, Your Honor. You're the boss of us."
Cary: "Cool, I'll go derail the SA's case on this homicide, and..."
Alicia: "I'll hit the ACDB and get our files."
Cary: "You know Will's gonna be there?"
Alicia: "Yeah like my entire body is very aware of that."
COOK CTY CRIM CT
Turns out the dead accomplice hanged himself in Cook County jail, which is sad, but he signed a confession first, which ASA Geneva Pine -- who we like now -- says is enough to convict. Cary slides in to the defense, a lady named Olivia with a very intriguing face and hair game, and whispers at her.
Olivia: "Get out of here, you ol' mercenary."
Cary: "First of all, I'm pretending your client is innocent, which is a lie. Second of all, I know how Geneva thinks. She sits on stuff while she builds drama, and waits for you to find the things she's withholding. We gotta get around her. Let me help."
Olivia: "I am awfully afraid of Geneva Pine and her ways. You're on."
ATTY COMPLIANCE & DISCIPLINARY BOARD
Lionel Deerfield, the Edward Herrmann one who is all up in judge and lifeguard business and was also from what I remember fairly compassionate with Will's stuff, if always fairly inscrutable, is the only person they are meeting with today.
Deerfield: "We're going to such fun and resolve things in such a collegial manner. Welcome back to our sanctum, Will. Fingers crossed it won't burn you this time!"
Diane: "How come we are here and not just under subpoena?"
Alicia: "Because this Board already knows what a scumsucker Will is."
David Lee: "Go to Hell! She's using Will's disbarment..."
Deerfield: "I beg your pardon. No talking, David Lee."
Will: "So she's admitting she wants your bias against our firm..."
Alicia: "Not your firm. Just you."
(Vibes.)
Alicia: "Whatever they say , we're in active litigation and they're doing this on purpose. They sent us rats."
Deerfield: "Are you for real?"
Will: "We're not! We are carefully culling our records for these files!"
Alicia: "Bullshit. Lionel, I know you're a million years old, but we have these things called computers now. L/G's IT department's got it so you could download these files with the push of a button."
Deerfield: "Is it true, Mr. Gardner? Are there computers?"
Will: "Computers do exist, Your Chairmanship."
Deerfield: "This is exactly why we bonked you last time, dude. Cut it out, or else."
More vibes vibes vibes, then Deerfield catches up to Diane as they're all headed out.
Diane: "Lionel, we're handling it. Don't you worry 'bout little old us."
Deerfield: "No, I was just coming over to reassure you that I told Florrick's people you'd make a far better Justice than Blair Koturbash."
Diane: "Hit me one more time? What is going on?"
Deerfield: "The Governor's people called to vet Koturbash and I said they were nuts. But I'm sure everything's fine either way, you're the best. Later!"
LOCKHART/GARDNER
Diane: "Oh is he? Okay, well you tell that little leprechaun to call when he can."
Kalinda: "You look weird. Are you okay?"
Diane: "Kalinda, I desperately need your help."
Kalinda: "Whoa."
Diane: "Yeah, for real. Listen, Florrick's vetting another Justice candidate. In order of realisticness, that either means Peter is faking a fair process for me because we are bros, or else I am getting screwed because of Alicia."
Kalinda: "Find out for sure that it's the latter. Even though we both know..."
Diane: "Not until we say it out loud. Bill me personally, and please ignore my hysteria."
Into the office, where Kurt can't even believe how stressed out Diane looks. She does this move, slinging her purse onto a wingback chair, that is eloquently destroyed.
Kurt: "Bad day? At least I found the defect in your gun for your big gun case."
Diane: "Jesus F."
Kurt: "Uh, do you want me to come back?"
Diane: "No, they just took my case away and everything is horrible and Alicia won't let us be mean to her and Lionel said I might..."
Kurt: "That sucks about your gun case. Turns out it's winnable."
Diane: "I love how you're always on the side of fair, even when it's counter to everything you believe in. Like you won't do ballistics for a murderer, but you hate a faulty gun so much you're willing to take on the PLCAA with me. Alas."
That secretary Gina lurks around, listening in, and then calls up Alicia to be kind of gross on. I mean, she's doing the right thing, but how she plays it is very like a creeper. Like because she's seen the partners act all cloak-and-dagger, something-for-nothing, she thinks that's how people talk. Gina the Gangsta, rollin' up on Florrick/Agos.
F/A
Gina: "It's Gina at work. I mean your old work. Listen, I got problems."
Alicia: "Honey your problems are not my problems."
Gina: "They stopped paying for telecommuters, that thing you nearly got fired over getting me, and now I'm back to having childcare issues, and..."
Alicia: "That sucks but did you know I am running my firm out of a home for barfing ladies right now?"
Gina: "Yeah, well, when you do get an office, I want the same salary, two days at home, and a year's contract guaranteed. You ready to deal?"
Apparently that's satisfactory, but we cut to her interrupting yet another skeevy love connection between Carey and Grace.
Alicia: "Carey, do you have a minute?"
Carey: "Sure, is everything okay?"
Alicia: "What did Grace want? Why is she always bugging you?"
Carey: "Turns out I'm a Christian and she finds that exhilarating, so she wondered if it was my time in Campus Faith that did it or..."
Alicia: "Why would you join a campus Bible Study group if you weren't... Never mind. I really, really need my home life not to overlap with my work life? Do you get that?"
Carey: "You do seem super stressed out."
Alicia: "Right. So the time Grace bothers you about Jesus, could you be cool?"
Carey: "I mean, you realize I'm not a pedophile, correct?"
Alicia: "Yeah, but Grace just discovered boobs and it's making her insane, and she's always getting picked up by strangers or kissing boys with earrings or studying the Bible with hot motorcycle guys and I just... It's not you. It's fully her."
Carey: "I feel kind of like... A monster? Which isn't fair. But of course, I'll do whatever you want. Moms über alles."
Alicia: "Don't feel weird. It was this conversation that was weird. And me. But you, you're good, okay?"
Meanwhile, Grace is chatting up several other baby lawyers, so Alicia has to drag her along to Kurt McVeigh's house to pull her second giant power move of the day. While telling the largest lie of all, that she's not trying to make Grace feel weird about this house full of cute boys but really just wanted to spend some time in her wonderful company. Because Grace is that clueless, that she actually thinks she's fun to be around. Bless.
Cary: "While she's gone, can we talk about Wallis & Frey?"
Carey: "You know Alicia's into it, which sucks. They want part of our ChumHum money! We gotta outvote her."
Cary: "Slow down, kiddo. Just find new office space and then it won't matter. This is not about throwing bows, it's about getting us the hell out of her house any way she can, as if we're not on board with doing that ASAP."
Marilyn: "Hey, is Alicia here? I just wandered back in for the eighth time today."
Cary: "No, she had to go visit a gun nut about some guns. Why do you have a saucepan?"
Marilyn: "It's for barfing in. Do you want to talk about Ethics?"
Cary: "I want to talk about who the fuck are you and why are you barfing in a saucepan in a law firm in a living room?"
Marilyn: "I'm the Chair of the Governor's Ethics Commission, and I was wondering if you would blab your stupid gorgeous face off."
Cary: "I can't tell you anything! Except that Peter threatened ChumHum into joining our firm."
Marilyn: "So that's the deal?"
Cary: "Oops! No, I just... Uh, stop talking. Stop talking, me. You, Marilyn, you wait for Alicia and don't even look at me in case I keep talking."
Marilyn: "I hardly need to now, do I?"
Crows caw; a campfire ignites itself; water drips upwards. Inside Marilyn's clanking works, Wendy Scott-Carr's laughter echoes. Off jovial brass engines, off zapping glass vacuum tubes, off hissing steam pipe trunk distribution venues.
KURT MCVEIGH
Kurt: "So wait, you stole this case from..."
Alicia: "No, she came to me. Of her free will she turned up in my hallway."
Kurt: "I was hired by Lockhart/Gardner."
Alicia: "I know that, but now you have nothing to do, so I want to hire you. Usual fee, asking nothing more than your good judgment. You hate defective guns, and you're the best, so I want ya. I know you're married to Diane and this looks like I am fucking with her, but rest assured that's only part of it."
Outside, creepy Grace creeps around his gun room, looking at guns and mannequins with holes in their heads, and somewhere inside her mind a door opens and she becomes a creepy sniper.
Grace: "That man had a lot of guns. They were ... elaborate. A deadly beauty."
Alicia: "He's a ballistics expert, so he gets to have guns. You're a little girl, so."
Grace: "I want to shoot guns. The action of a trigger, the mule kick of swift death."
Alicia: "Well, that is not fucking happening, so whatever crazy you're flirting with this week, stow it."
Grace: "I will shoot a gun. One day, I will shoot a gun. The day, two guns, into targets of my choosing. And the day after that, Mother, I fire all of the guns at once, and explode into space. Like a true nature's child, Mother."
F/A
The shipment of files, every single fucking page is redacted. I can't believe that. There's the jokey mean rat thing, but once you're blacklining every single page of fifty boxes full of paper, you're just being petty bitches. When imagining the ways L/G might eff with F/A in the future, I never expected it to be so David Lee-silly.
TATTOO
Tattoo lady wants a baby, or she doesn't want a baby, or she wants to get knocked up and then break up with Will and just have his baby, or she doesn't want those things, or whatever. The point is that Will is disgusting for having any amount of patience with her bullshit whatsoever. What a horrible individual they have devised. It's not even about her being the opposite of Alicia -- which I guess she is? -- but more that she's an embarrassing person. We are the average of the five people we spend the most time with.
LOCKHART/MCVEIGH
Kurt: "Alicia's asked me to testify in your former gun case."
Diane: "Are you saying this to be an asshole to me, or because you want my permission, or..."
Kurt: "Neither. We said when we got married we can't veto each other's cases. This is strictly due diligence, I'm informing you."
Diane: "Ugh. It was my case."
Kurt: "And it's winnable."
Diane: "For Alicia."
Kurt: "For Heather Sorrentino. And for everybody else that won't die from a defecti..."
Diane: "How dare you confront me with my own hypocrisy! That's so mean! Go be a hero, mister hero! Think you're better than me why I'll show you who's blah blah..."
SORRENTINO
Kurt: "...In summation, these guns are bullshit and barely guns in my opinion. Law enforcement calls them 'junk guns.' They're easy to buy, so you see them everywhere. In this case I bought five other ones at five different stores, to ensure they'd be random, and here's what I found. The trigger mechanism had a faulty spring, and the resistance was 75 percent less than normal."
Alicia: "That's a hair trigger, right? So if you dropped it, it would go off."
Kurt: "It would be more surprising if it didn't."
When Nancy stands up to cross, and does her usual bullshit, there's a sort of bittersweet thing where when Alicia looks over to her left, to roll her eyes about it with co-counsel like always, nobody's there: Alicia's all alone.
Nancy: "Um... I don't know much about guns, but um, my Daddy does hunt a little bit, and he told me that there are other factors, like weather, that can contribute to a firearm's performance?"
Kurt: "I guess, sure."
Nancy: "So that June night, when Chicago's heat wave hit 98 degrees?"
Kurt: "Uh."
Nancy: "And what about moisture? Like if you kept it locked in a drawer at a car wash, for example. That plus the heat, might cause a hair trigger?"
Kurt: "Technically, yes."
ACDB
Kalinda lurks in the shadows of the lobby when Diane shows up, and sadly must confirm that Florrick's vetting three Justices total: Blair Koturbash, Thomas Veracruz and Janet Sasaki. A list without Diane's name on it. She says she was pretty sure, thanks Kalinda, and then heads to the bathroom, where she breaks the fuck down. It is so awful I don't even want to talk about it. But once she's back at the table, it's like it never happened.
Cary: "I'm here instead of Mrs. Florrick's who's in court. Will you please look at this bullshit?"
Lionel: "Will, oh my God. Are you kidding me with this kiddie-pool crap?"
Will: "We sent every file legally required!"
Diane: "Florrick & Associates..."
Cary: "Florrick/Agos. FFS."
Diane: "Whatever it is, only Alicia matters. Anyway, they're legally entitled to the client files, sure. But not our work product."
Lionel: "And that's what you've redacted?"
Diane: "Yeah. Personal notes, observations, legal stratagems..."
Cary: "That WE wrote in the files, because WE WERE THE LAWYERS."
Diane: "When you worked for us. Now you don't. So it's our work product."
Cary: "Ms. Sharma, as a hostile witness, can you tell us what you investigated?"
Kalinda: "I was looking into whether anybody knew about the flaws in this gun."
Diane: "Don't let him fish, Lionel. She can't tell him useful stuff right now."
Kalinda: "All I did was take notes, show them to Diane, and put them in the client file."
Cary: "And yet they've been redacted."
Diane: "Did you write anything else in your notes besides just the answers?"
Kalinda: "Yeah, I thought one of the lab guys was a drunk, that kind of thing. My opinions and strategies and..."
Robyn: "Oh hey guys."
Lionel: "And what are you?"
Robyn: "Robyn Burdine! I brought some invoices of Kalinda's, since she's a freelancer."
Cary: "Wait, Kalinda, are you telling us you're an independent contractor, not employed by L/G?"
It's beautiful, Kalinda's charmed as usual, and L/G looks like they're about to start punching themselves in the nuts with rage. Beautiful.
F/A
While everybody's celebrating the third delivery -- which is finally legit -- Kurt McVeigh shows up, clearly having had his goat gotten by Nancy Crozier, which eventually happens to us all, and drops by with a little baggie. What's in there? Sweet, sweet validation. Turns out he didn't need to take the gun apart the first time around, but after the environmental question, he did, and found bad pins.
COOK COUNTY
Geneva and Olivia are still going at each other when Cary comes in and starts whispering in Olivia's ear, feeding her lines until she gets what he's going for, and then she cutely pats him on the shoulder because she can take it from there: The hair trigger was caused by bad pins between the trigger and the hammer, so there's no murder here. After Kurt explains it, Geneva spins her wheels for a minute, but Olivia rests her case.
Olivia: "Nice job bringing me Kurt McVeigh."
Cary: "Turns out he was technically innocent! I'm going to keep saying how innocent he is so you don't listen to Geneva, who's about to..."
Geneva: "Five years for involuntary manslaughter, three with good time credit. You've got ten minutes to decide."
Cary: "Ludicrous! Clear this man of all wrongdoing!"
Olivia: "No, we're taking the deal."
Cary: "But he's innocent! This is merely a game of chicken."
Olivia: "Chicken she won. I'm not letting this dude go away for twenty years just because you're being super intense about it."
F/A
Alicia: "Damn that man for not wanting to go to jail, just so I can lose a grudge match with my former mentors!"
Cary: "I know. He just wouldn't risk it for me."
Grace: "Everybody, I'm going to my room to study! Not bothering any baby lawyers! Are you happy? Are you satisfied!?"
Alicia: "Sometimes it's funny to pretend I don't understand sarcasm. This is one of those times. Hang on, who's that once again standing around awkwardly in the foyer? Why, it's Marilyn Garbanza. The automaton that walks like a woman and throws up like a champ."
MASTER BATH
Marilyn: "So I'm sorry I missed you before..."
Alicia: "Sorry you keep barfing in my house. Also, fuck you for being sneaky with Cary."
Marilyn: "He just mentioned that Peter was here when you discovered ChumHum was..."
Alicia: "His name's Governor Florrick? And he was here in the apartment, but he wasn't privy to that meeting."
Marilyn: "How so?"
Alicia: "Because he was in that bedroom right out there, fucking me."
Marilyn: "Ouch. You make me feel like I'm prying!"
Alicia: "Oh, fuck your feelings. Who are you really working for?"
Wendy Scott-Carr! Alicia, clearly! Clearly she impregnated this woman and programmed her to follow Peter Florrick around and self-destruct if he did anything unethical, sending a short-wave transmission of all his emails just as she combusts. I know it. That combination of eldritch sorcery and high-tech sabotage is exactly the kind of shit Wendy Scott-Carr gets up to.
Alicia: "If you're working for my husband's office, why so sneaky?"
Marilyn: "I got an anonymous tip, probably from Will or David Lee, that we had a bully pulpit situation. I came here to assess it, barfing all the way because Melissa George is pregnant IRL."
Alicia: "How does creeping me out help the Governor?"
Marilyn: "When I write my report, it will clear you and your husband of wrongdoing, and inoculate you against further investigation."
And then she says the greatest thing: "You're right not to trust me, Alicia. My job is both friendly and antagonistic." I always thought it was so funny how Alicia of all people, whose actual job it actually is to do the hard work of opposition in defense, who vets witnesses all the time in just this way, still gets nuts when people do it to her. No matter how many times she weariedly explains that taking the other side is what we have to do when we're preparing for an attack, it still super bugs her when it happens to her.
Marilyn: "But since I'm here, can I give you advice from the outside?"
Alicia: "Ugh, yes. It's so annoying but I'm grateful for it. I hate you but thanks."
Marilyn: "You need to rein Cary Agos the fuck in. I didn't even have to try. And I get the feeling he is constantly doing this shit lately. And you need to tell Peter to back off and stop getting involved in your business."
Alicia: "He's not..."
Marilyn: "-- Yeah, he is. When it comes to his family, he does, and that's what is gonna get you both."
Alicia: "Okay, thanks for being cool. Fuck you, and also have a nice day. Can I get you a drink of water or perhaps a full meal, then serve it to you hatefully?"
Marilyn: "How about the second trimester?"
Alicia: "Haha, but also shut up."
F/A: "Let's grill the plant manager about the faulty pins!"
F/A: "He'd just deny it. Wouldn't help."
F/A: "We need another PLCAA exception. What are they again?"
Robyn: "Go for breach of warranty. I mean, huh? I'm just eating my pizza backwards."
F/A: "Huh."
Robyn: "Robyn Burdine! Give me more backwards pizza for my brain!"
Carey: "Okay, so assuming we can connect that defect to the warranty, has anybody ever done that before?"
Alicia: "Nobody's ever tried the PLCAA with Judge Davies. He wants this, we just have to give it to him."
Cary: "Too bad L/G has all their warranty documents..."
Alicia: "Ugh, of course they do."
Cary: "This is getting to be fun. I love it when you're grumpy."
TATTOO
Still awful. Still all over Will's jock, still being a psycho about if she wants a baby. He leaves her in a car on the street outside ACDB, where it's presumed she will give tattoos and yoga lessons and handjobs until he's done in there.
ACBD
Lionel: "So F/A's been begging for relevant documents one at a time, which is BS. Every day you guys dick around I'm fining you twenty grand."
Will: "Not necessary. We'll give them everything..."
Alicia: "Big old but..."
Will: "As soon as we get paid for time and effort. Our standard retainer, Mr. Chairman. We were hired on contingency, paid once Heather wins, and she hasn't won yet. If we're no longer attorneys of record, we're entitled to compensation, which at standard rates comes to $145,000."
Cary: "We're also on contingency, and homegirl doesn't have that kind of..."
Will: "Oh well. Once somebody cuts us a check for 145 g's, you'll get your files."
Alicia: "Pretty sassy."
Will: "Just got road head from a horrible tattoo artist. Feelin' pretty sassy tbh."
SORRENTINO
Nancy: "This is BS! Case closed, dude was sentenced for involuntary manslaughter, which is a crime in these United States. Therefore, the PLCAA..."
F/A: "Which is why we are amending our suit, from product liability to breach of warranty."
Nancy: "We're playing musical exceptions now?"
Judge: "Okay, do you even have enough evidence to... Hang on. Oh, Jeez. This is stupid, but you've been replaced as Plaintiff's counsel. Again."
Heather's all hangdog about it, but pretty upfront that she is done dicking around talking all day every day about her husband's tragic death, and would just like to win this case already, and in this case they're strong-arming her into it with the files. So Ms. Lockhart has her day after all.
Her last act is, with a glittering smile, to call Alicia back and hand her an empty legal pad. It's totally gross and totally awesome at the same time, which is basically the new tagline of this show. Then, she amends her suit from product liability to breach of warranty. (Robyn Burdine!)
LOCKHART/GARDNER
For tonight's performance, the role of "Peter Florrick" will be played by nobody on the other end of a telephone.
Diane: "Hello, Governor. Yeah, I saw that coming. Yeah, let's have motherfucking lunch. I'll have my assistant call your goblin and set it up. Yeah, not having any jobs will really free up time at the gun range. Thanks, Peter. Best to you too, I sincerely (do not) mean that."
Diane: "Will, you're wearing your all-black running gear. Weird time to go running."
Will: "I am filled with the electric air of the future and ESP sex and rat dolls and rage."
Diane: "Did you ever consider maybe these manic episodes are linked to your depressive episodes?"
Will: "I prefer to think of it as mental illness in service to the show's plot. What's up?"
Diane: "That was fun getting Heather back."
Will: "I was angry, you were calm. It was like old times. Like before you sold me out."
Diane: "Yeah, about that. What if we pretend that didn't happen?"
Will: "Did Peter seriously screw you on this? That guy is such a dick. It's like, he can hurt his wife all he wants, but if anybody else does anything he goes apeshit."
Diane: "Bill and Hillary, on steroids."
Will: "Look, I meant what I said during my Patton moment. I want to destroy everyone and everything. I am talking Patti Nyholm, Louis Canning type shit. I am talking about ripping firms open and jabbing at the gems and guts that fall out. I am talking about we're gonna crush our enemies, see them driven before us, and to hear the lamentation of their women."
Diane: "I am into that."
Will: "No votes, no politeness, no mealy-mouthed BS. Just decide, and go. Anyone in our way, we kick their ass, fire them or buy them out. Can you handle that?"
Diane: "Being polite is stupid, I am over it. That is for jokers and dinguses. I just want my blade to taste blood once again."
Will: "Then it's settled. Time to get real."
F/A
Anthony (?): "We shouldn't do this. Those Wallis & Frey guys are dorks."
F/A: "Yeah, we look stupid to dorks! We gotta figure something out."
Robyn: "They're dorks but they're dorks with office space. And probably pizza."
Alicia: "I will speak for myself. Their offer was good. They won't touch the first three years of ChumHum profits..."
Cary: "But they'll want to share voting rights. Ten partners to ten partners..."
Alicia: "We gotta get the hell out of here, you guys. It's not just about me... Hang on."
Alicia: "Zach, physically get your sister out of the kitchen with those lawyers before she gets pregnant just like Marilyn Garbanza."
Zach: "Grace, come with me. Boobs, you too."
Alicia: "What was I saying? This isn't just about my house. This is about us faking it until we make it. I don't feel like a real lawyer if I can do my job in pajamas. We could all be in pajamas right now, in my living room. Does that not freak any of you out? Picture this, picture bringing Neil Gross to have a meeting in this house. Oh, sit right there on that stool at my kitchen island, Mr. Gross. Would you like some coffee grounds on your sticky elbows? Would you like to get on my Wifi that doesn't even have a password because I'm just some weird mom?"
Cary: "It's a commitment. To a Brady Bunched firm that we know is going to end up top-heavy, just like Lockhart/Gardner, with all of us taking the money and the credit and farming out bullshit. Do you remember why we left?"
Alicia: "You're making far too much sense, Cary. Let's just vote."
Carey: "I mean, can we not just run the numbers and dig deeper with the search for..."
Cary: "Carey, Alicia's a name partner. She calls a vote, we vote."
Robyn: "Actually, look over in the foyer. Somebody's having a weird conversation."
Somebody: "I just talked to Wallis & Frey and they have been bought out suddenly."
Robyn: "What? By whom?"
But Alicia just falls back against the wall, laughing -- delighted, in that dark way; in that wild place where Will really shines -- because she knows exactly who the fuck just bought Wallis & Frey. She can picture him, in his dark office, doing a silent dance in his running gear, toasting himself and high-fiving a million angels, having sent her another Valentine. Another heart-shaped Fuck You.
And once Robyn thinks about it, she will too.
WEEK: THE WEEK
Are L/G using Alicia's webcam to spy on everybody's boobs? Is Will slowly losing his mind, or being reborn into a powerful, burning new form? Will Peter and Eli show up again, or be played by whatever random props are lying around? And what on Earth is Cary going to do when the love of his life, Nathan Lane, shows up to save the day?
JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps The Good Wife, Homeland, Hostages, Ravenswood, and Masters Of Sex for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, Twitter, and Facebook, as well as a regular column for Tor.com, Geek Love.