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Louis Canning wastes no time, now that he's Lockhart/Gardner's sole creditor, in getting the partners into court to discuss their five-month extension. His focus: The ways in which Diane and Will have been trying to buff up their revenues since the bankruptcy, in order to sway the court. His first try, a swipe at King Litigator Will's recent discovery of the concept of settling out of court, is a no-go. But then it gets weird.
Alicia is called into the name partner's office for a little meeting, and after some trepidation, learns the excellent news: She's being bumped up to partner! Quite an honor, for a fourth-year. She can't wait to tell Peter, whose operatives are themselves concerned with getting her to disavow her atheism in order to make Maddie Hayward look bad, and she goes on a very rare shopping spree.
Then, David Lee reminds her of his favorite topic: The capital contribution. $600,000 dollars, half up-front, to buy in. She eventually accepts a loan from Peter, which should have its own yucky side effects, and then learns something even worse: Cary's been offered a similar deal. As have three other fourth-years. For a net of $3M, which -- once he gets Trustee Hayden on his side -- only goes further to proving Canning's point: The firm is Ponzi-scheming their way out of bankruptcy, in a really gross way.
Jordan and Eli both come after Alicia about her religious beliefs, but after the rollercoaster of the firm's troubles and her own promotion ickiness, Alicia decides the best course of action is to get drunk, attack Maddie Hayward at a party, and then tell any journalists nearby what a huge honkin' atheist she is. It's incandescent, but you can see why she moderates her drinking so automatically most of the time.
Meanwhile, the firm is dealing with the latest ChumHum debacle: Neil Gross is getting married, and his bride-to-be (a lawyer in his company's legal firm) is unsure about the prenup. The back-and-forth here provides counterpoint to Alicia's various concerns, as she weighs getting in bed with a sinking firm and/or being used for a quick influx of cash, but eventually everything gets resolved in a neat way:
Reconciliation with Cary, plus Canning acting shady, puts the Trustee back in our corner, and they get their extension. Downside, no more Nathan Lane. Upside, everybody can have their raises (including the one they promised Kalinda like two seasons ago). Kalinda uncovers a love child in Neil Gross's history, which is enough for him to call off his lawyers and sign a reasonable prenup, so I guess it's real love. And even after all the weirdness with Peter and Maddie -- and a well-timed job offer from Canning -- she decides to take the job.
Which is where it gets rough. While the rest of the firm is celebrating their freedom, Alicia hangs back, "doing work" but -- as Diane correctly notes -- also "pouting." She gives her the kind of "we're all sisters here" speech we used to love so much, about how in this world you take the opportunities you're given and how she only became partner herself because Jonas Stern needed a female partner to defend against allegations of sexual harassment, but Season Four Alicia isn't interested. They both realize the mentorship they always wanted is no longer an option, and Alicia enters the partnership with a chip on her shoulder and a passive-aggressive gratitude that only Diane can see. It's heartbreaking and satisfying, all at once, but mostly just shows you how much Alicia's changed while we've known her.
One of the most dynamic episodes in recent memory, and a great continuation of the "gathering storm" momentum the show's been gaining recently, this week's was also a fairly astute meditation on marriage, commitment, self-determination and Alicia's continuing negotiation with compromise. Sad, and very happy, and most of all exciting, with several show-altering gamechangers that could send things spinning out any number of ways when we return in two weeks. Just excellent.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!PREVIOUSLY
The delightful Neil "ChumHum" Gross bought out a competitor startup after they sued, because that's how you deal when you get sued by promising youth. During the trial, Will noticed -- unbeknownst to us -- a young lawyer lady in the gallery operating Neil like a wi-fi ventriloquist's dummy, feeding him prepared speeches in an uncharacteristically -- for this show -- subtle way.
NOW
She has arrived at L/G, looking uncomfortable, with her creepy dad in tow, to take a meeting with Alicia and Kalinda, and in a minute David Lee. What on earth could Family Law have to do with Neil Gross's pretty young counsel?
...Oh. Oh, hell no. I know Neil Gross isn't real, rationally, but if this trick thinks she's marrying him I still kind of want to physically fight her.
Dina Lampert: "I remember you guys from the Marg Mo trial. Neil hates your asses."
Mr. Lampert: "Don't talk to these women, wait for the lawyer."
Dina: "Apologies about my shitty dad. He thinks women can't be lawyers. That's a main reason I am one."
David Lee: "M&Ms, anybody? They contain evil."
Dad: "We need a second opinion on a prenup. This trick thinks she's gonna marry Neil Gross."
Alicia & Kalinda: "But why? He's the worst! Trust us, we know from marrying well."
Dina: "I don't wanna talk about it. I just don't get why this awful agreement is what our firm -- the one that represents Neil, the one I myself work for -- wants me to sign."
Dad: "If you're gonna marry that son of a bitch you should have least have a ton of money from it later."
Dina: "The reason everybody always has this conversation about prenups is because it's literally the only conversation to have. Like, now you're going to say something about protecting myself..."
David Lee: "We're here to help you protect yourself."
W/ NAME PARTNERS
David Lee: "This prenup is bullshit. She gets nothing, and if he dies she has to immolate herself on the altar of ChumHum's choosing..."
Diane: "Yeah, I'm not seeing how this is a pressing matter. We're still only halfway to our $60M and time's just about up for bankruptcy court."
Will: "Why do we care about any of this? It's not like kissing her ass is going to get us any business from that jerk. I'm still getting fallout from the last time we fought with him."
David Lee: "I don't care about ChumHum business, I care about her business. They get married, we set up some kind of Bill & Melinda Gates charity operation over here..."
Diane: "Is that something you've discussed? She wants to do that?"
David Lee: "She's 28, she has no idea what she wants."
Alicia: "She's in love, you guys!"
Everybody: "Shut up, Alicia. It's too early in the AM for that shit."
PRIVATE THING
David Lee takes off, and Will and Diane ask Alicia to hang back. Even though they both have little giggle-grins flitting across their faces, it's in Alicia's nature to immediately get worried she is somehow not excelling.
Diane: "Sit down and stop looking like we're about to murder you on a webcam."
Alicia: "I'll sit down, but I'm gonna keep making this face for a while."
Diane: "The legendary Jonas Stern, who started this firm a million years ago, once brought me into an office not unlike this one and offered me a cigar. I demurred, of course, and he said, 'Fine. But when I'm done saying this, I want you to go home and be very quiet for a moment. Just to be proud. And then go do something crazy you'd never do, like go windsurfing...'"
Will: "That's what I did. It sucked."
Diane: "...Or go to the track, which is what I did."
Alicia: "Are you guys swingers? Is this some kind of..."
Diane: "We want to invite you to become an equity partner in the firm."
Alicia: "Holy shit."
They laugh at her, because she is adorable and because she has been so afraid, for so long, that the idea of something good actually happening is just at the very tips of her fingers, and to see her grasp it is a thing of beauty. Holding yourself to a certain standard comes with the knowledge that nobody else will really see how hard you're working, because it's not about them anymore.
They know her, so they know what happens : She weeps, with relief, and betrays herself by laughing, and crying, and admitting how crazy she's going. They are patient, considering she never shows any emotions whatsoever, and right now she is showing all of them. It's terrifying. Not for them, but for her. And for us.
Alicia: "I thought this would take years! I guess there really is such a thing as a free lunch."
Diane: "Hold off on responding until the end of the week, and then assuming that this show doesn't somehow ruin your entire life in this episode, you can decide."
Alicia: "Does anybody say no?"
Will: "Nobody we would choose ever would. Now go, engage in the bloodbath that this episode is sure to quickly become."
L/G LOBBY
In self-help they call it "negative self-talk," that little voice in your head that helpfully tries to balance out your hopes or ambitions and protect you from getting hurt by reminding you to manage your expectations. It's one of those tools that hurts as much as it helps, when you're as smart as Alicia Florrick: If you're always right about everything, then your doubts are just as right, because they're realistic. Alicia Florrick is a woman who knows how to manage the shit out of her expectations, and half the time that's what does her in.
Not today, though. Today she goes spinning out of there like something from the Revelation, wheels within wheels, a hundred eyes and wings, everything on fire, bumping into walls. And it's beautiful, because we can manage our own expectations for her without begrudging her this little moment before the story continues. As it must.
BANKRUPTCY HEARING
Judge Chase: "So you're almost halfway there, and you're looking for another five-month extension?"
Will: "Not another one. This would be our first extension."
Diane: "But basically yeah. Also, Nathan Lane is a twat."
Nathan Lane: "Be that as it may, let's talk to the creditor. Mr. Canning?"
Louis Canning lays it on thick, dyskinetically making his way up to the bench and talking about America and explaining his disability and pulling all the levers at once.
Diane: "Your Honor, we'd respectfully ask that Mr. Canning give us a fucking break."
Canning: "The thing is that any money I make from being L/G's sole creditor goes right back into neurological research, for patients with stuff like what I've got going on here. Every day they spend in the red another child wakes up denied the dream of even throwing a simple frisbee to his or her family pet."
L/G: "Be that as it may, the hypothetical children would be happy to know that Alicia's put together evidence that shows we'll be in the black in five months."
Judge: "All right, that's fair. Let's talk about it later. Dismissed."
Will: "Canning and Nathan Lane working together. It makes me sick. Not like it morally sickens me, I mean that it actually makes me feel like I have a virus."
FLORRICK CAMPAIGN
Jordan shows Eli a video of Maddie Hayward resolutely not bowing her head during a prayer; as usual, his mellifluous voice makes it pretty hard to follow the fight.
Eli: "This ain't the South. Nobody cares about Jesus in Chicago."
Jordan, brilliant Jordan: "She's being rude. This is about rudeness. Also about a woman not bowing her head."
Alicia: "Hey guys! Where's Peter? Mama's feeling frisky! Frisky with news!"
Eli: "He's downstate. Political things are afoot in this political campaign."
Jordan, wonderful Jordan: "Hello, I'm Jordan Karahalios. I am effortlessly amazing."
Alicia: "Whatever! I am on a tear today!"
Eli: "Hey Alicia, does Maddie Hayward believe in God at all?"
Alicia: "This sounds creepy. I'm not doing this, today is my day."
Eli: "She is constantly using stuff you told her in confidence."
Alicia: "Yeah, but I'm better than her... Oh wait, you know what? She's an atheist. I do remember her saying that."
Eli: "For real?"
Alicia, verbatim: "It's not that weird, Eli."
Eli: "No, I know. Just thanks."
He pats her on the shoulder and it is so freaky!
DAVID LEE
Alicia: "Please don't get all David Lee on me, David Lee. This is my day. I went shopping! I spent money on stuff I didn't even need!"
David Lee: "Yes, I heard about the partner thing. Congratulations."
Alicia: "Feel free to stop there..."
David Lee: "-- Sooo anyway, you know about the capital contribution? I talk about it in pretty much episode. $300K up front, $300K plus interest out of your several bonuses. Now, will you be paying with cash or a check?"
Alicia: "Fucking six hundred grand? This gift horse gots some serious dental issues. Now, if you'll excuse me I have to go return everything I ever bought in my life."
Oh, girl. And you know it just gets worse from here, I can feel it.
NEIL GROSS!
Will: "Speaking of people getting screwed professionally by this Trustee thing, Kalinda, please don't bother me right now about your raise. Just give us like five months."
Kalinda: "No. I have magic powers, I'm not sitting around for another entire season waiting on the promotion you promised me like a million years ago."
Will: "Did seriously nobody get the memo about how we're bankrupt?"
Neil Gross busts in, all rude and fabulous.
Neil: "You're trying to sneak into my business by representing us legally! You're trying to ruin my wedding!"
Will: "I'm the head of Litigation, I don't do Family Law. Try though you might to make this personal, trust me when I say I want nothing to do with you. Now get the hell out of my office, and take your hoodie-wearing nonsense elsewhere."
Will and Kalinda stare at each other, and finally he's just like, "If I give you a raise will you go Blake Calamar on that dude's ass?"
PRENUP CONFERENCE
David Lee, Cary and Alicia join the happy couple in a meeting with Neil's lawyer, Eleanor Waldorf. There's a long fight about what state's marriage laws are actually in effect because that governs how the prenup will work.
Waldorf correctly surmises that L/G is trying to place them in a state with the titular "Seven-Day Rule," which says that the prenup has to be finished and on the table for seven whole days before it counts and you can get married -- which, since they're getting married in nine days, is David Lee holding a gun to their heads. (For once with David Lee, that's just a metaphor.) This means 48 hours to get this thing signed, which considering both sides are being nasty as hell...
Cary: "The gun is to all of our heads, lady."
Eleanor: "No, because which party suffers if it doesn't work out? The poor girl."
Alicia: "Both parties suffer, because they're both getting married. We all suffer, because we all want this to work out. So don't worry about the pressure. Hang on, I have a call from my bank."
Alicia's trying to get a loan for the $600K against her mortgage, but is reminded that thanks to stupid-ass Jackie, she needs the mortgage's cosigner to okay the loan: Peter. One simply must hope that the booty calls have him dazzled enough that he won't find some way to dick her on this. I mean, why would he, but Peter does just generally obstruct most joy.
Back in the room, Dina and Neil are steadfast in their conviction that the whole prenup is moot anyway because they are very much in love, so whatever. Dina allows the terms to be set in Texas, and David Lee requests a break.
David Lee: "I hate that they are both being so acquiescent. It really fucks up the game. We can't have any more reasonable behavior outta those two, it's not about love."
Kalinda: "You want dirt."
David Lee: "We need enough dirt to get something in these negotiations, but not so very much dirt that Dina realizes who she's marrying."
Alicia: "You guys, they're just in love! It's complicated! Believe in them!"
Everybody: "Shut up, Alicia. We realize it's your day and you're trying to psych yourself up for a fake/real reconciliation with your husband so you can become a partner in this firm, but that shit ain't helping."
Alicia: "Love. Tell me to shut up, you jerks? Love is very important."
BANKRUPTCY HEARING
Will: "You're clearly a dick, Mr. Norquist. You're the CEO of a pharma company that's underwriting Canning's trust, Encinal Equity, that he used to get control of my firm?"
Norquist: "Basically because I'm a dick, yes."
Canning: "The reasons a billion-dollar company in another industry would want to get control of a Chicago lawfirm's debt is beyond the scope of this conversation, Your Honor."
Will: "Uh, the motive is already on the table, considering Canning did that song and dance about the afflicted children we're supposedly abusing by being in debt."
Canning gobbles a handful of pills, shaking so violently that they go flying everywhere. Truly a stunning performance.
Judge: "What's going on there?"
Canning: "Medical issues that I have, Your Honor. Probably thanks to Lockhart/Gardner's financial misconduct."
Judge: "Very subtle. Norquist, fess up. Why are you interested in any of this?"
Norquist: "Because they sue us sometimes, and it pisses me off."
Hayden: "Oh, shit. Once again I've managed to become a villain. Clarke, you jerk. Why can't you ever get it right?"
AFTER
Hayden: "All I did was rub this lamp, why do you keep granting me wishes?"
Canning: "Chill out, Trustee. He's just a whole lot of money pointed in the same direction of what we both want."
Hayden: "I don't want to be a we with you! Only Cary Agos. That's the only we I wanna we."
Canning: "L/G's a good firm with poor management. We both believe that. We. Now, I get that you don't want to destroy the firm..."
Hayden: "Despite my every action, that is what I keep saying..."
Canning: "Tell me this. If you pass the Illinois bar week, what happens ? Because I could offer you a job. In one of my many law firms I might have by then. You feel me?"
Hayden: "All I feel is gross, Louis Canning."
CAMPAIGN BUS
Peter is so awesome sometimes. Absolutely excited for her, and impressed as always by her, and then just as tenderly: "How much is the catch?" Not like a doubting voice, but like a very supportive teammate: How much are we going to have to figure out, so you can have what you've been fighting for.
He thinks she's Alicia-ing it up when she admits she's not sure she'll take it, but she explains it well: The firm is in huge trouble, she has no idea right now whether it's worth the buy-in. Equity partner means equity, which is the most comforting thing she could say right now. And if the parallels to the prenup storyline weren't already quite clear, get this:
Alicia: "So far, so good. Now, just cosign for the loan against our house and we'll call it a day."
Peter: "Why bother? I'll loan you the money."
Alicia: "Oh, that's nice of you. How do I explain what a terrible idea that is, without seeming ungrateful?"
Peter: "You cannot! So take my money!"
Alicia: "...Fuck. Fine."
No matter how many times and ways you cadge against it, you ultimately are coming up against a commitment: Your faith in someone else, or several someones. You don't want to get hurt, or look stupid, but you also don't want to hurt the other person by "protecting" yourself right out of good faith and into scarier territories. It's not just you, and the other person, involved in this negotiation: It's also your future self, and his. You're banking on all four of them when you make a promise like that.
EXT BUS
Jordan, natty Jordan: "Alicia! It's me, Jordan Karahalios! I'm wearing a wool coat with a notched lapel, I look like a little angel!"
Alicia: "That you do. But I make a habit of ignoring my husband's tiny operatives. The friendliness you saw earlier was an aberration born of hope, nothing more."
Jordan, wise Jordan: "Can I talk to you a second about God?"
Alicia: "I am so not your girl for that. Why don't you call my horrible daughter?"
Jordan, sneaky Jordan: "Your father was politely Anglican, your mother was politely nothing. Making you...?"
Alicia: "I am really not getting Jacob's obsession with you. Talk faster. Or not at all."
Jordan, transparent Jordan: "Tomorrow we're hitting Maddie Hayward with the atheist thing, it's kind of my pet project, and I'm thinking she'll come back at you for it. So could you just brief me swiftly on your personal beliefs?"
Alicia laughs nastily and just walks away. Can you imagine? Just walking away from Jordan Karahalios like that. Alicia, you are a mystery. I would gladly talk anybody's ear off about my feelings on religion -- you may have picked up on that -- but most especially would I get gotten by Jordan Karahalios asking my opinions about just anything at all. "This could take a while, Jordan Karahalios. We'd better get you somewhere warm."
GROSS WEDDING
Kalinda has figured out that Neil Gross's prenup doesn't specify a set value for the shares of ChumHum Dina gets, so if they divorce he could easily dilute the stock until her shares are worthless. Does Dina care? No, because she just had lunch with Neil and is starry-eyed with love for Neil, because he's fantastic.
Dad: "Dina, for a lawyer you don't seem to understand how anything works."
Dina: "I know how lunch works! I am in love! Money will not guide me!"
David Lee: "Whatever, I am so very tired of this. Later."
Kalinda: "Money doesn't guide her? So don't go after him on money."
David Lee: "Plan B. Let his house lawyers piss her off."
Cary: "How you gonna do that?"
David Lee: "Live and learn, young protégé."
Cary: "Did he seriously just say that to me?"
Kalinda: "How did it make you feel?"
Cary: "Shivery all over."
BANKRUPTCY
Canning notes, to Diane's disgust and Will's ire, that since bankruptcy the firm has been settling all of their litigation, to bank on easy money -- whereas before all this started, it was only settling 30% of cases. You can kind of see the point he's making, which is that they have only recently become risk-averse but got into bankruptcy by assuming that Will Gardner would make the lifetime of Hail Marys he's known for, but that quickly gets lost in the noise of everybody yelling at everybody else.
Will: "But Diane, they could get us. It's not just a smear campaign. If he can find evidence of us settling and selling out our clients..."
Diane: "Never!"
Will: "Two episodes ago, the little ballerina with West Nile. It already has the stink of Canning all over it, and we did technically drop our ask."
Diane: "For good reason, if you recall..."
Will: "Well, that's debatable. What if they put somebody on the stand who will always tell the truth, no matter how annoying it is."
Diane: "Who? We don't know anybody like that."
Will: "Hint, she is also the main character of this TV show."
Immediate cut to Kalinda in Alicia's office, having just received Canning's subpoena for her.
I do remember that case being awkwardly resolved... Oh no, it was worse! I remember now: Once Martha proved the ballerina was trespassing, Alicia only got there by blackmailing Canning's CEO client I liked so much, about his secret cancer. That's not even a gray area, that's a full-on danger zone. Yikes, Alicia.
GROSS PRENUP
David Lee: "I give up. Dina's an ass-ache and she's okay with anything. Which is the opposite of what a prenup is for, but whatever."
Eleanor: "Great! I love it when things are easy..."
Cary: "Just one thing."
Eleanor: "...There it is. Take us home, you dorks."
L/G has a list of demands that are just epically adorable: One contiguous four-hour "date night" a week, 10 hours away from work every week ("That could be problematic," Eleanor mutters), and raise the kids Christian. (Gross is Jewish, so that could be a dealbreaker.) And then also a set number of sexual encounters, on which Eleanor grossly agrees to "horse trade," which makes Alicia shift around in her chair uncomfortably.
They take the list back to Dina, having provoked Eleanor into making counter-demands. Like, for example, raising the kids Jewish. Oh, you guys. You scamps.
Cary: "Also, you have to have sex with Neil twice a week. Or more, or less. Up to him."
Dina: "Wait, he asked for that?"
Alicia: "No. His lawyers asked for that. And only because these fuckin' jokers over here..."
David Lee: "Hey! Dina, listen. You're giving in too easily and now they're pressing the advantage."
Cary: "So you can sign this prenup right away, and stanch the hemorrhage of your self-respect, or..."
AFTER
David Lee: "Cary! I had no idea you were so gross. I love it! You'll be a great equity partner."
Cary: Blushes.
Alicia: "The fuck? Walk with me."
Cary: "I know, right? I can't believe it. A fourth-year, making partner. I thought becoming Deputy SA was the only time somebody would leverage my ambitions this way, but I guess there really is a free lunch sometimes! It's my day!"
Alicia: "So, they're soaking us for about a million bucks of their bankruptcy money. These assholes. I sure hope this doesn't prejudice my testimony in my upcoming deposition specifically about their business practices."
They shake hands and congratulate each other, and it's super sweet, but the music is like, "Alicia, prepare for impact."
Diane: "Alicia. A word?"
Alicia: "With you assholes? Let me clear my motherfucking schedule."
L & G
Diane: "Do you know why you got subpoenaed?"
Alicia: "Can't say that I do. I sure hope it's related to getting passive-aggressive on the stand, though."
Will: "Think it might be about the ballerina case?"
Alicia: "You guys are the geniuses here. You tell me."
Will: "The thing is that we think he's going to say we're pushing clients to settle against their interests, and we need to know we're all on the same page as far as testifying about that."
Alicia: "Sure you are. Of course you are, you dicks."
Diane: "Hmm. Hey Alicia, remember we made you partner? Huh, girl, huh? You remember that? Did you treat yourself to something special?"
Alicia: "Yeah, I did. Anything else? No? Later, boners."
Will: "I'm getting the distinct vibe that Alicia's past the honeymoon stage here."
Diane: "But what on earth could our patently obvious agenda have to do with it?"
I don't do well with getting handled, and I don't like feeling like a fool, but in both of those cases it bothers me less, when it happens, than it does Alicia Florrick. Only her innate Alicia-ness, I think, is what kept her from unloading both barrels right then and there. But then, she's a consummate professional while I am an unemployable mess, so maybe this is normal behavior and it only looks extra-cool, to me personally.
Eli, outta nowhere: "Alicia, tell me all your thoughts on God."
Alicia: "You have gotta be fucking kidding. God's got a sick sense of humor if you're here starting this shit with me right now."
Eli: "Alicia, we're buddies!"
Alicia: "Jordan already creeped me on this one."
Eli: "HE WAS HERE? BUT THIS IS OUR SPECIAL PLACE."
Alicia: "No, it's my job, but also it was at the campaign bus. And I told him to suck it."
Eli: "But not me, right? Your old pal Eli? You'll tell me your religious beliefs, right?"
Alicia: "I believe in the Constitution, a glass of red wine, and this middle finger right here."
He follows her to her office and tries to spin her helpless, angry laughter into an entire religion.
Alicia: "Eli, look. I have a husband who believes in God. I have a daughter who believes in whatever makes her look dorkiest, which right now is Jesus Camp God..."
Eli: "Good, this is good stuff. What about Zach?"
Alicia: "I don't know, he's cool enough to keep that shit to himself. If you're asking whether I believe in God, no."
Eli: "What I'm hearing is a strong maybe."
Alicia: "No, what you're hearing is that I don't believe in God."
Eli: "Okay what if Jesus showed up here in your office..."
Alicia: "No, Eli."
Eli: "What if he performed a miracle!?"
Alicia: "What if... Yeah, sure. Fine, whatever. You've managed to miss the entire point of religion, but that's nothing new in this conversation."
Eli: "You're spiritual. You're a seeker for truth."
Alicia: "I am having the worst day. You are just... This is awful. Everything is the worst."
Eli: "Voters hate atheists. Mostly because they are obnoxious bores, but we like to think it has to do with their lack of belief in God. So all you have to do is appear open-minded..."
Alicia: "I can do that. Whatever you want to get out of my office, I will do it."
Eli: "I want you to be St. Alicia. Remember her? St. Alicia can't be an atheist!"
Alicia: "So to review. Will and Diane negotiated in good faith, Cary is as deserving as I am, and God might exist. Any other obvious falsehoods I need to take onboard for today?"
Eli: "No, we're good. Hey, listen. Your thoughts on Jordan?"
Alicia: "Kinda awkward."
Eli: "Could you tell Peter that?"
Alicia: "Just get out, mister."
For the record, I've never believed in God but I really don't think that's the point. The atheism/religion conversation in this country comes down to several idiotic axioms that don't impress me at all -- that you judge a faith based on the people that practice it, that you need other people's validation to confirm your own beliefs -- but this one annoys me the most, because it is literally beside the point. You can drive north forever, you're never going to get east.
Dumb Religious Person: "Santa Claus does exist!"
Dumb Awful Atheist: "Santa Claus doesn't exist!"
The point was never whether Santa Claus existed; if Santa Claus existed it wouldn't be a matter of faith. You can't put Godric Gryffindor's sword in Ravenclaw because that's not where it goes, just like your foot can't feel sadness and your dick can't sing a song. Which is why the billions of rational people of faith -- all faiths, not just Christianity -- know to shut the fuck up about it. It's just not a fight worth having. And in all that yelling, have you ever once changed somebody's mind? No, because that's not what it's about. It's about being better than everybody else. Religion causes wars the same way video games cause school shootings.
So if that means letting the dumbest person out there define your terms for you -- that concrete examples of faith must exist, or Creationism is real, or that God is a person you can call up on the phone -- that seems really lazy and sad to me. Preparing for a fight that's never actually going to happen, and then stridently searching for somebody to persecute you about it, is taking the long way from your ass to your elbow and helps exactly nobody. Which is why we've always known that Alicia was an atheist, even though she's only barely ever said it aloud: Atheists make the best Christians, and vice versa, because they're not there for coffee cake any more than they're there for a fight.
PRENUP
Everybody's fighting about the prenup stuff, which makes sense because David Lee invented it out of thin air, but nobody knows that, due to the power of his evil.
Neil: "This is insane! I'm not going to dilute your stock, or... It's just contractual precedent, baby! If I give on a contract, then the contract will be..."
Dina: "You mean your prenup! You just want me to spread my legs and give you heirs!"
Neil: "Ew! You're nasty, that's horrible. I'm out."
David Lee: "It would seem our plan has worked too well, young protégé."
Cary: "I'm on it."
Dina flops her hands around a lot, talking about how she didn't care about money until Neil started in on the money, and Cary applies his whole entire array of powers to the situation, dimpling and smiling and speaking of love: "You need to talk to him without lawyers present. Remember what's important. Et cetera." David Lee loves it. And yet, unlike every other conversation they've had about this, nobody comes off as particularly awful. I guess even fixing a problem you caused is still fixing a problem.
BANKRUPTCY
Canning brings up the West Nile case while we're still saying hello, so everybody on the L/G side nods angrily and we get to it.
Canning: "Was your advice to settle that case driven by your firm's need for capital?"
Alicia: "It was driven by our client's interests. Categorically, no."
Canning: "That's a big no."
Alicia: "By definition, the biggest."
Canning, marble-mouthed: "In the past five months do you think any of the firm's settlement decisions held reducing their debt as a consideration? Did you meet with your firm's name partners before this deposition? Are you aware of any schemes the partners have engaged in regarding the firm's debt?"
Alicia: "Not to my knowledge, only to discuss the honesty of my testimony, and gross me out."
Canning: "You just made partner! Congrats. How much is that gonna cost?"
Alicia: "My buy-in is $600K. How is that relevant?"
Canning: "You're a fourth-year associate, yeah? Do you think that's weird?"
Alicia: "I mean, yeah."
Canning: "Did you know you're one of five fourth-years offered partnership?"
Alicia: "Three mil, huh? Sure, fine. So we're going co-op apparently."
She gives a Dixie Carter-esque short speech about how she deserves every goddamn accolade she's earned in this life, but when he dismisses her from the stand she doesn't bother to sit down with her friends: Just walks past that chair, and keeps walking.
PETER'S LEADERSHIP THING
Eli: "Semiformal really works for you, you look amazing."
Alicia: "What's really amazing is this chardonnay I'm guzzling."
Eli: "You seem really angry and shattered right now. Like you're in a million pieces, all buzzing like bees. It's terrifying and beautiful."
Alicia: "Just tell me when you want me to lie about God, Eli."
Eli: "Okay, I can't deal with you right now. I can barely look at you. You're going to that Galadriel place and it's freaking me out."
Alicia: "Whatever, I'm outta here. Giant effin' Christian, comin' through!"
Jordan, befuddled Jordan: "Alicia, why don't you like me? The wife always likes me."
Alicia: "How about you, Jordan? Do you fucking believe in God?"
Jordan, subtle Jordan: "I believe in a lot of things. Rainbows. The smile of a child..."
Alicia: "-- Wrong answer, you little shit. Mama needs more wine, excuse me."
Alicia, heat-seeking: "Oh hey, Maddie Hayward. Want to have a huge fight? I'm still super pissed at you."
Maddie Hayward: "Long time no see, fellow woman in a man's world."
Alicia: "Make any new 'friends' lately? Maybe you can fake them out and make them feel like garbage, too. Unless I was the last friend you'll ever have."
Maddie Hayward: "You were the one that broke up with me, Alicia. And maybe if you could let go of this victimhood pose you're so sweet on..."
Alicia: "You can shove your victimhood pose right up your stupid ass, Maddie Hayward!"
Peter: "Ladies, ladies! I see that Joker smile on my wife's face that means she's about to bumrush you so I thought I'd come over and stick my big old face up in your business."
Alicia: "Fuck off, Maddie Hayward! I'm going to drink another bottle of wine and then fuck my husband in the bathroom. Today is MY DAY."
Just then, Jordan's plant shows up to make them fight, like bees in a jar, and asks Maddie about her "actions" in that recent viral video where she set a church on fire and then danced in the wreckage.
Journo: "Prayers are a big deal. Wasn't that a little disrespectful?"
Maddie: "Not really. I didn't bow my head because I don't believe in God, and I'm not a hypocrite."
Journo: "Aren't you worried how that'll play?"
Maddie: "No, because I'm awesome and I don't pander."
Peter: "I got religion in prison. I'm awesome too!"
Journo: "And what about your drunk wife?"
Alicia: "I AM A TOTAL ATHEIST, BITCHES! DEAL WITH IT! TODAY IS MY DAY!"
FORENSIC ACCOUNTING
Kalinda: "So congrats on the partnership offer..."
Cary: "Meh. They're handing them out like popsicles. It's just to raise money, I get it."
Kalinda: "Gonna reach for those sour ol' grapes anyway?"
Cary: "If I can get the money together, sure. No big deal."
Kalinda: "I detect a note of self-pity. Is this residual bake-off anxiety?"
They smile at each other and she drops it. But it's interesting, that for Alicia this was the biggest awful rollercoaster thing and for him he's like, "Why would I be surprised? Sometimes the rats fuck each other to death, I'm not going to take it personally."
I mean, a lot of that has to do with the fact that Alicia is more susceptible to praise than most, but I think there's also a little boy/girl privilege note here, about how he's entitled to enough self-esteem just by being Cary that no matter how competitive he acts, it's not coming from the same exact, somewhat needy place: He doesn't require quite the same amount of permission to exist. He's not trying to be as good a woman as Diane, or as good a lawyer-man as Will, because he always already won both of those, whereas Alicia is just a fourth-year associate off the mommy track who still thinks people call her a Caitlin behind her back. Praise from her bosses, particularly these ones, means a whole alphabet's worth of difference to her.
Kalinda notices something, I don't quite understand it yet, but there's a $112K payment footnoted on two different years' whatever ChumHum stuff they are looking at. Hayden Clarke always says look at the footnotes! What a sweet little callback. I wonder if Cary and Hayden are going to... Yup.
ELEVATORS
Cary finds Hayden standing at the elevator, watching it open and close, and gets concerned about the weirdness of what is going on with Hayden's weird stresses.
Cary: "Mr. Hayden, can I help you or something? Please?"
Hayden: "Baby, I don't know. I feel like I'm in over my head. I love tidiness more than anything, and now I feel that I have gotten into a very tricky mess. I dunno, I gotta go..."
Cary: "-- Good luck on the bar, okay? I've been thinking about you all week."
Hayden: "I have fallen out of love with the law again. It seems very messy and bad to me right now."
Cary: "It's not the law, it's how you practice it."
Hayden: "Good point. I'm going to talk to your bosses now, actually. About just that."
Cary: "Mr. Hayden!? Come back a second. I just really... I feel so bad about the things I said about us, in that deposition..."
Hayden: "You told the truth."
Cary: "Yeah, but not the whole truth. You know I still love you, right?"
Hayden: "Don't worry about it."
Cary: "Maybe I will. But probably not."
Will and Diane look up when Hayden arrives, like what now, but his face is apologetic indeed. All this mess: "I've been subpoenaed. So."
PRENUP
When Cary and Kalinda show up, David Lee asks Dina and her dad to step out so they can talk to Neil and his lawyer one-on-one. Dad balks, but Dina's fine with it: Either way, David Lee says, it's in her best interest to leave for a minute. They are lovey-dovey, it's cute, and she's gone.
Cary: "What's this hidden $112K in your SEC filings?"
Eleanor: "First of all, 'hidden' is a nasty word. And also, that's a pittance."
Kalinda: "It pays out to a shell company called JC Ventures, sole beneficiary one Jacob Carlisle..."
(Jacob: "Your secret gay lover! Who is me, Neil Gross! I have finally entered the show and left the mundane world behind!")
Kalinda: "...Who is the son of a one-night stand you had years ago."
(Jacob: "...Annnnnd we're back.")
Eleanor: "Wait, so you're extorting us? Fuck you, I'll have your license for this..."
Neil: "No. Give them whatever they want. It might be extortion, but it's working."
He runs outside to kiss his bride, and it's pretty amazing because it's something that could only happen in a story: You approach this Prisoner's Dilemma about whether or not you can ever accept the guy's promise, if both of you and both your future selves are up to the challenge, and then this thing happens. A thing Dina doesn't even really need to know about, in terms of where it puts his feelings for her, but which seals the deal for both of them. It's not worth going through the rest of it, when he's just trying to be a good dude to this kid. Honesty is a better policy, but considering this was all arranged by David Lee, it's about the least disgusting extortion attempt-and-outcome you could ever hope for.
HAYDEN'S DEPO
Diane: "Canning, stop saying 'shenanigans.'"
Canning: "Fine. Mr. Hayden, you were closest to the 'goings-on' at L/G, correct?"
Hayden: "I mean, I was the Trustee. I knew about the five partnerships, and I disagreed with them, but only because it's a pattern they have of valuing relationships over..."
Canning: "And they were doing it to raise money, of course."
Judge: "Objection sustained."
Canning: "But okay, that $3M in capital contributions would, on paper, give the illusion of financial success. So isn't that really just a Ponzi scheme to sway this court?"
Hayden: "I mean, you're being gross, but financially it would play out like that."
Canning: "So isn't this a quid pro quo?"
Hayden: "You mean like when you offered me a job yesterday for the same reason?"
Canning: "-- Whoa! Let's move on from that."
Diane: "Your Honor, can we hear the rest of that, actually?"
Canning does some fast-talking -- which, in a sad way, mirrors the testimony Cary gave Serafina about Hayden's own unspoken quid pro quo -- and eventually just shuts down his examination altogether, watching the whole thing go falling through the air like trash on fire, so Diane steps up.
Diane: "Keep talking, you cute little badger."
Hayden: "He asked me for info on past cases, in exchange for a job offer once I pass the bar. I helped, because I thought he was in the right, but once he pulled that shit I freaked out. I ended up staring at the L/G elevator in the middle of the night for what seemed like hours, until an angel appeared unto me."
Diane: "By the way, we like you again."
Hayden: "Thanks. Me too."
CELEBRATION
Five month extension on the bankruptcy hearing? Time to break out the champagne, of course. It is the Lockhart/Gardner way. Especially now that five fourth-years and an investigator all just got raises. Lots to celebrate!
David Lee: "Not to mention, the new Mrs. Gross is probably going to give us her entire Midwestern portfolio, just like I said she would."
Diane: "Cheers to that. Maybe things will stop sucking for a minute."
Cary escorts Hayden over to their little group, and Will refills everybody's glass.
Diane: "That was awesome. And confusing."
Hayden: "You didn't try to buy me. I still think you're shitty managers, but as people you're vastly superior to Louis Canning. I'm gonna miss this place... No, that's going too far. But parts of it, sure."
ALICIA'S OFC
Canning: "And while everybody's out there living it up, poor Cinderelly's out here, finishing up paperwork."
Alicia: "I'm surprised you're still walking after that beatdown. Well, relatively speaking."
Canning: "I'm here to sign the extension, nothing else has really changed."
Alicia: "Wrong, you're not here to sign paperwork. What's your game?"
Canning: "Play Monopoly? I like the Get Out Of Jail Free card the best. What a feeling of relief..."
Alicia: "Whatever you've got say, just say it. I hate your little parables."
Canning: "Fine. Here's your Get Out Of Jail Free card."
Always such admiration in his eyes. Even when they're fighting, when it's dimmed, he really does play it like she's the best. The meaner she is, the more he is impressed. And I love too how that eats at her. Just annoys the shit out of her. But of course, you've guessed it: His business card. Nothing written on the back, no promises or dealbreakers or stuff in writing. Just his card, and a promise.
Diane: "What'd he want?"
Alicia: "Private matter. No big deal."
Diane: "I'm here on a professional one. Your absence from the festivities is sending a message."
Alicia: "I no longer even know what to do with you. I can't tell if you're joking, or it's a threat, or both, or neither and you're just telling me to get out there. I just honestly can't."
Diane: "You're pouting. It's unbecoming."
Alicia: "...That answers that, I guess. Please stop looking at me like I'm in trouble, it makes me want to flip out. Mama's hung over, lady."
There is a moment where it really could go either way, and Diane sits. Sucks on her teeth, looking at Alicia. Trying to remember every flavor of relationship they've had over the years, so she knows they can both be honest.
"You know why I was made partner? Because Stern got sued for sexual harassment, and needed a female partner. You know how much I idolized him, back then. But I am telling you honestly, that's the only reason I am here today. When the door you've been knocking at finally opens, you don't ask why. You run through. That's the simple fact. And nobody's here to make that comfortable for you, nobody is here to appreciate your moping. So my advice to you remains to take a moment for yourself, to be proud, and then put on a smile and get your ass in the conference room to thank your fellow partners for extending this opportunity.
"What is given can be ... quickly ... taken away."
A rare misstep. It's not what she says; it's not even how she says it. It's that while she's been busy dealing with Hayden and David Lee, trying desperately to save everybody's ass, she hasn't been paying attention to who Alicia has become. Who she's been becoming.
A year ago, maybe, maybe less, that would have been the perfect thing to say: The correct balance of love, harsh wisdom, honesty and "buck up" sisterhood that would have worked on her. It would have been kind, but not nice. Right in the middle, right in the Goldilocks Zone where she's always had to keep her little protégée.
But now, with Alicia so very much on fire -- so unwilling to take the mentee role, after having been treated like a child for so long, so sick of her best days making her look stupid, so tired of the paralysis of hope -- none of that is really true: The time for that mentorship that never really happened, it occurs to her, has long since passed. Diane would have sounded brilliant, a year ago, or even less. Now, she just sounds like a bitch.
When Alicia shakes Will's hand, and David Lee's, when their platitudes go in one ear and out the other while she thanks them for the opportunity, Diane doesn't hear it. When Alicia shakes her own hand, and thanks her for the opportunity, she doesn't hear it. She smiles, to herself, as Goldilocks shakes the hand of the male partners, and thanks them for the opportunity. She watches, a little softer, as Cinderella shakes the hands of some female partners, and thanks them for the opportunity.
It's only when the words clash together, after she's heard them ten times and then twenty, with that beautiful smile pasted on over Alicia's rage, that Diane begins to see for herself what she's done.
It's only then, that her heart breaks.
JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps The Good Wife, Deception, and Pretty Little Liars for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, on Twitter, and on Facebook. IRL work appears in BenBella's SmartPop series of anthologies, and a novelette, "The Commonplace Book," appeared this fall on Tor.com.