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It's Friday, which means Alicia is already thinking about having sex with Peter for a million hours, Diane's interested in some luxurious spa time, and Eli plans a trip to his secret leprechaun hidey-hole at the end of a rainbow. But that's not the kind of Friday it's gonna be.
There's this Olympic runner who's accused of doping, which will invalidate her $5M contract with a shoe company unless she gets out of it in time to run on Monday. The main problem is that her lawyer -- the always ravishing and mind-blowingly weird Elsbeth Tascioni -- is in jail for harassing the CEO of the shoe company at a speaking engagement in Skokie. Since Night Court was cancelled when we were babies, her only option of helping her client is to get a weekend bond hearing.
Alicia -- then Will, and eventually Diane and Kalinda -- jump into action without a second thought, because Elsbeth is wonderful. So while Alicia works on getting Elsbeth back to Chicago -- first through a failed (duh) psych eval and then, at Peter's suggestion, by questioning the arrest itself -- Will takes the girl's case. Problems there include the fact that she's up before a snotty international triumvirate of Olympics judges, and their proceedings are conducted in French and have no relationship to Robert's Rules of Order and basically is like being at the mercy of three shitty mean middle-school babysitters.
Yes, it's a Will-out-of-water story, which generally brings us great stuff like Amanda Peet, or that awesome JAG Judge Lady. In this case, it nets us Diane doing sexy French talk, and both Diane and Kalinda putting their wares on display for gross Eurotrash guys. We learn that the girl's doping markers actually demonstrate a pregnancy, since terminated, which the girl demands to keep secret (due to morals). Meanwhile, Alicia takes on Geneva Pine and a good old boy judge to get Elsbeth free. So at the last second, Elsbeth rides in on a unicorn and blows the whole case wide open by provoking infighting among the judges, not unlike Bilbo Baggins with the trolls who eat ponies.
I just got the title. I've known the title of this episode for weeks and I just now got it. Nice.
Speaking of Geneva Pine, guess who just got totally vindicated? Her early-season job of looking like an Angry Black Woman Who Sees Racism Where It Is Not comes across aces once she gets Peter to admit, himself, that he is actually kind of a racist. It's a lovely moment -- and I'm sorry to say a huge surprise/reversal -- as she tackles the hairy task of getting a person to understand their own privilege while standing inside it. Never seen that work, not once in all the universe, but she pulls it off somehow. Never thought I'd love Geneva Pine either, but she got me good this week. Maybe permanently.
But sadly, epiphany or no, Peter's whole race problem is just starting. Why he brings it up with Geneva particularly is a discovery Zach's made on Maddie Hayward's website, which accidentally releases docs for an attack on his race-related HR decisions (Geneva's pet thing). Jordan (!) advises him to leave it alone, Eli tells him to do Eli-type gladhanding stuff, and eventually Peter ends up pissing off a minority coalition rally so bad that the only thing that will comfort him is some standing-up campaign-bus boning.
Which Alicia ends up treating like a booty-call, which are not words I could ever have imagined writing until this season, even as a joke.
In the episode's final hideous turn, this Mitt Romney/Sister Souljah moment actually ends in firming up parts of his base, showing he "speaks truth to special interests" and defending him against... I dunno, it's a lot of Eli talk that basically doubles down on the idea that with Maddie in the race, Peter has to be the most Republican Democrat ever, which means being hateful, which of course makes Jordan, sweet Jordan, lovely Jordan*, so super grossed out.
*(No closer to drawing a bead on what that dude is actually all about, but the only thing more delicious than a Sexy Hobbit is a True Believer, meaning at this point the show has basically 85 percent completed the transition to being identical to the graphically sexual cross-genre fan-fictions about the show that I publish anonymously on the internet under the pen name RainbowDashiellHammett. A point I will now prove to you.)
Because Eli, frankly, is also grossed out, but won't show it. What he will do, though, is finally pick a lawyer for his DOJ investigation, and his solution is so stunning and random and delightful and potentially game-changing that they actually end the episode on it: Elsbeth Tascioni!
That's right, the Capering Goblin and The Girl That Could Talk To Dragons are taking on the Weaponized Witch Of The Illinois Wilds and her army of Reanimated Hive-Mind Justice Agents. Would that we could spend entire fucking episodes just focusing on that Unexpected Journey, dude. I get a shiver just thinkin' about it. Now all we need is Owen to get back together with Tantra Guy, Kalinda to move in with Alicia and the kids for some thin reason, and possibly hook Diane back up with one of her hot boyfriends, and we can just throw the entire wishlist away because it will have become irrelevant. Oh, and Cary needs something to do, painfully bad. Painfully.
In two weeks: Alicia gets a financially risky but potentially career-changing offer, Will and Diane take on Hayden and the Dream Team for the future of the firm, and Jordan and Eli have another tiny fight.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!PREVIOUSLY
Like all plans involving US Attorney and Actual Cannibal Wendy Scott-Carr, a host of institutions have arrived at the doors of Lockhart/Gardner, claiming to be investigating Parker Posey's campaign contributions but actually going after... Who can say? Eli, Diane, and Peter all seem like possible targets, but only Eli is invested in making it all about him. As per.
BREAKFAST
Alicia makes breakfast for her family while engaging in sexual fantasies of such graphic vagueness that it puts a sassy curl in her hair. Who is that underneath her, in the dream?
Alicia: "Oh sorry, I blanked out for a second. Are you working on homework?"
Zach: "No, it's morning. I already did my homework. How long have you been standing at that stove, eyes crossed with furtive desire?"
Alicia: "Sometimes it seems like years, kid. Are you working on Dad's campaign?"
Zach: "Right now? Yes. And something weird has happened, I have to call Eli."
Grace: "What is going on with Zach these days? Did he do his homework?"
Alicia, verbatim: "I don't know. I've given up on parenting."
Grace: "You look really good. Your hair has this flagrant sort of après-sex thing going on."
Alicia: "And yet all I am doing is making breakfast. Promise."
GOLD & ASSOC
Eli: "Dear conference call, I got Jordan Karahalios cutin' up the joint. He was Chief of Staff to Barbara Boxer, and has worked on three California senatorial campaigns, and he is the best."
Jordan, verbatim: "Hello, print journalists! How does it feel to perpetuate a dying medium?"
Print Journalists: "Letting that one slide for now, because it's more interesting to talk about how maybe the DNC stuck you two together because Eli's lost a little halo?"
Jordan: "There is no loss of confidence in Eli. He is still Eli."
Print Journalists: "But Maddie's gaining on you."
Jordan: "Yeah, just because it's interesting. She's interesting, Maddie Hayward. Watching a woman become a self-made millionaire and run for public office is still, for the kind of dicks that run everything, kind of like watching a dog walk on its hind legs, pushing a baby carriage or carrying a little parasol. No offense."
Admin: "Seriously Eli, take this call. I know watching Jordan do anything is wonderful, but you know Zach only calls in the first act when something fucked up is going down."
Zach: "Eli, I found an open link on Maddie Hayward's website, and found a lot of internal documents..."
Eli: "That's great! We'll dox that bitch! We'll use her strategy against her, cruelly."
Zach: "No, it's the content of them that worries me. [Beep.] Hey, call waiting..."
Eli: "Fucking I am Eli Gold. By all means."
Zach: "Mom, do you know an improbable woman named Elsbeth Tascioni? Because it sounds like a hoax, and I have Eli on the other line."
Alicia: "She is kind of like a hoax, but very real. Get off the phone with your little friend, so I can see what she wants."
Zach: "But moooooooommmmmm"
Alicia: "You can talk to your buddy Eli when I'm done. Chop-chop."
Alicia: "Elsbeth! The greatest of the guest stars. Whatever can I do for you?"
Elsbeth: "I need you to cover a contract enforcement arbitration for me, okay?"
Alicia: "Like it's ever that straightforward with you. What, is Natalie Wood going after Santa Claus again? Tom Cruise pulling out of his billion-year contract with Xenu?"
Alicia: "I am in jail for harassing the CEO of the company involved, and also it involves the Olympics tribunal. But I'm saving those facts for in a minute."
Eli: "I've got my other superhackers working on your screenshot, don't worry..."
Zach: "Maddie Hayward's going after you on racial bias..."
Eli: "Speaking as another rich white man, I can assure you your father has none of those. Rich white men are the authority on what is and is not racially biased."
Zach: "That sounds fishy. But also, she's got two ASAs currently working for Dad who say otherwise. They're black, and..."
Eli: "A bluff!"
Zach: "Not really, because who are they bluffing if it's internal strategic documents? Come on, Eli."
Eli: "Don't call me my name! I am an adult, you are a child!"
Zach: "Ugh, whatever. Sir. Just stop being a douchebag and take this seriously."
RICH WHITE GUY LUNCHEON
Maddie Hayward: "I know I call myself a feminist and everything, but we all know I am a captain of industry just like you guys. The only difference between me and you -- and Peter Florrick over there -- is that I believe women and minorities are people. Or at least we can all agree to pretend that's true. Am I right?"
Old Rich White Guys: "It has become the fashion!"
Eli: "Zach was just telling me she was going to do that, and now she is doing that."
Maddie Hayward and Eli and Jordan have a long negotiation about how many debates and what the rules will be, and it's all dick-swangin' and whatever, because the team, and we, are being given time to stress out about the racial stuff. Which has always been a little less true than Geneva Pine thinks, but a thousand times more true than Peter, Eli, or even Cary (who is reconstructed in a lot of ways, being younger than the other two) believe.
Which is why this episode is fascinating. Geneva's kind of crazy, and kind of a bitch, but she's not wrong. Which means Maddie Hayward is doing the right thing for the wrong reasons -- which, at least on this show, is worse than doing the wrong thing for the right ones. You can say that Peter hired Amanda Peet because Alicia told him to -- and that he loved Cary because Cary is kind of family and also connected to Alicia -- but cronyism/nepotism don't rule out racial bias, they're both related and rooted in the same system of privilege to begin with:
1) You know who you know, and 2) You don't know what you don't know.
So much of this stuff is easier to talk about if you leave off the us/them language, because while that has a point and a use, in this conversation it's distracting. A person cannot objectively examine their built-in racial prejudices if all they hear is you accusing them of racism, because then it becomes about proving they're a good person/not a racist, which is not the point of the conversation. And if you think it is, or this isn't radical enough for you, you need to think very hard about who you're trying to impress, because bringing about positive change is not what you actually intend to do.
Rule #1 For A Happy Life: You never explain privilege to a person while they're actively demonstrating it, because that's an ontological attack that makes no sense and bounces right off their worldview, and it will do you no good. A thing Geneva Pine is better at negotiating than I ever would have thought possible.
Peter: "You look like you're gonna barf."
Eli: "Preferential hiring and promotion in the SA. It's going to be a thing..."
Jordan: "Race is a scab. Do not pick at it."
Eli: "Zach told me she's got ASAs who wanna go public."
Peter: "Then I'll just summon them one by one into my richly appointed office, show them a paper copy of their paychecks, remind them who hired them, crack my knuckles, and then ask if they feel like they're happy at their jobs. It's the perfect solution!"
ELF JAIL
Elsbeth: "Alicia! In here! In this jail cell!"
Alicia: "I feel like you left something out earlier."
Elsbeth: "I left many things out, it's true. This is merely one. But I will now tell you about it. I was arrested while chasing down Simon Fassel, the CEO in this arbitration, after a Q&A at a college speech. In shape no bigger than an agate-stone on the forefinger of an alderman, my chariot an empty hazelnut made by the joiner squirrel or old grub."
Will: "...Wait, you're in Skokie? You gotta this lawyer transported back to Chicago in the twenty minutes or he won't get a hearing until Monday. And I am too busy to cover it, so we gotta get somebody to..."
Alicia: "It's Elsbeth Tascioni."
Will: "Oh. I will be at the courthouse in five seconds."
FIVE SECONDS LATER
Will: "Miss Buday? I'm Will Gardner, I'm friends with Elsbeth."
Anna: "Who is where?"
Will: "I know, right? Listen, we just gotta get a continuance, your contract is ironclad and you've won two silver medals. At worst, I'll do today's evidence and she'll be back Monday."
Anna yells at Simon and counsel as they're headed in, because who the hell are you to be getting Elsbeth Tascioni arrested.
Morgan Croft, Esquire: "I miss Elsbeth too. As an opponent, she was very entertaining."
Anna: "Can you beat these sons of bitches?"
Will: "Nobody talks about Elsbeth that way. You betcha."
The commercial Anna shot for Erebos last December hasn't ever been shown, but that's not in the contract. The company's overextended on endorsements, which is why they're cutting costs, but until -- today, apparently -- they've slacked on showing cause for why this particular one is getting voided. The precise language is, "may be voided if the athlete is banned from a race due to doping."
Anna: "Do what?"
Croft: "Yeah, you're about to be banned from Monday's world team trials based on the AADL findings as of last night."
Anna: "Uh, I've never done that. My parents would kill me."
Croft: "And yet. If you miss your race on Monday, there goes the money."
So is this a coincidence or a setup? Because Elsbeth's in Skokie until Monday, unless we can do something amazing. Except that would be a last-minute plan, considering nobody sent her crazy ass to Skokie in the first place.
Alicia: "Either way, Will's going to do the appeal..."
Elsbeth: "I like Will!"
Alicia: "Me too, honey. Focus."
Elsbeth: "I was so sad when he got suspended."
Alicia: "Me too. So he's gonna take the appeal to the..."
Elsbeth: "-- CAS, the Court of Arbitration for Sports. Tell him they don't run like an American court, okay, there's a whole set of rules based on Swiss law..."
Alicia: "Well, that should go horrible. I'm going to work on getting you downtown for a weekend bond hearing, which should shave off a little time on this."
Elsbeth: "And I will just sit in this jail? That works."
JUDGE REQUEST
Judge: "You know what the lesson is here? Don't get arrested in the suburbs on a Thursday night."
Alicia: "Good one, but could you help me out? I don't need you to overturn the arrest, just get her here this weekend for a bail hearing since she missed the last transport."
Judge: "How's Peter doing? Betcha that bitch is nipping at his heels, huh?"
Alicia: (It's touch and go for a minute, but she decides to let it slide. Plus, still kind of pissed at Maddie Hayward for playing with her emotions, so technically she is a bitch, even if it's way not in the way the Judge is using it.)
Judge: "...Hey, crony, can you crony some... Oh, because it's Elsbeth Tascioni. Got it. So Alicia, the thing is that Elsbeth Tascioni is crazy."
Alicia: "I know, but it's the good kind."
Judge: "They've got you on this. They're asking for a psych eval before they can transport her. It's not a trick, it's just that she's a liability. Insurance issues trump everything else."
CAS
Alicia: "So I'm gonna see if I can get Elsbeth to be uncrazy for the duration of this psych evaluation..."
Will: "Good luck with that."
Alicia: "I know, right? What's it like there?"
What it's like is that Le Tribunal Aribtral Du Sport is being conducted in French, by the French and Italian and German judges, and Will doesn't speak French. It's very suspensefully annoying to watch, but I can't figure out how to get that across. It's very red tape, very Josh Charles Slow Burn, and the Euros are doing their shitty Euro thing, and the other lawyer -- who is not the Erobos lawyer of course, because this is the doping trial that will determine the other trial, but is also a dickhead -- speaks perfect Français, and all the rules are different from normal courtroom law, and the whole thing is taking place on like a skating rink.
The facts are that she shows "ghosting" in her negative test for dexitetrasolone, and the particular markers in her sample are also the ones shown by the "Notorious Six," who are the other six people banned from Monday's trials. Also, the AADL lawyer, Mr. Plunkett, has an affidavit from a Chenise Jayes, another athlete, who claims to have seen Anna receive drugs at the Olympics. Will has to like formally request they get this chick there so he can question her, and the tribunal reluctantly allows it. But it's not like he's stalling, since Monday is going to be Monday either way, which means he needs help.
Will: "Diane, how's your French?"
Diane: "I am not talking to you about work. I am spending the weekend at the spa. Momma needs to be treated sweet. A wise reader pointed out this week that ever since the Trustee showed up, I've stopped wearing jewels and started wearing larger and larger chains. For this reason, go away."
Will: "Elsbeth Tascioni."
Diane: "Oh. I will be there in less than five seconds."
ELF JAIL
Alicia: "You are one of the most brilliant lawyers I have ever met..."
Elsbeth: "Aww, you're the best!"
Alicia: "...But that will not save you. Because you are also the craziest person on Earth, and this is a psych eval, not a good-lawyer eval."
Elsbeth: "Valid."
Alicia: "They are going to you 120 questions, with long pauses between them. Know why?"
Elsbeth: "For truth!"
Alicia: "No. So you will feel like talking crazy."
Elsbeth: "So don't talk?"
Alicia: "Talk. Just... Not as much as usual."
Elsbeth: "Do I talk too much?"
Alicia: "It's a question of content. Be like me. Choose your words."
Q: "Do you resent being given advice?"
Elsbeth: "Like, what kind of advice?"
Alicia: "Be like me. Answer the question like I would."
Elsbeth: "I don't get it."
Alicia: "I know."
Q: "Do you like to stay active? And are you bored really easily?"
Elsbeth: "Yes. And then no. That's a compound question."
Alicia: "Yep."
Elsbeth: "How can I then answer it? If it's anything then it's everything. Do I like to stay active? Yeah, I take my broom out for a fly if it's not too cold outside. Sometimes I transform into animals and run around. That's aerobic. But do I get bored really easily? No, because I am a lunatic. There is always something going on in here."
STATE'S ATTY
Peter: "Geneva Pine, old gal. Thanks for doing this."
Geneva: "Doing what, exactly."
Peter: "Telling me I'm not racist."
Geneva: "Don't thank me yet."
Peter: "Well, okay. Like, how am I doing?"
Geneva: "In what arena?"
Peter: "In being a racist, for example."
Geneva: "Um."
Peter: "Wait, am I doing this wrong? Are you uncomfortable?"
Geneva: "This is already a shitshow and like I just sat down."
Peter, verbatim: "I need to self-evaluate. There will be no repercussions one way or another. None. So how am I doing on racial bias?"
Geneva: "Is this a trick? It feels like a fucking trick."
Peter: "Only because the entire world is set up this way. Trust me, I get it. I'm trapped by it too. I can pretend to be honest and level with you all day, but we still live in the world."
Geneva: "Like how white people say they don't see race, and ask why minorities keep bringing it up."
Peter: "Because really, doesn't that make you the racist."
Geneva: "Fine. Yes, you're racially biased."
Peter: "I am? That legitimately makes me feel HORRIBLE about myself. Maybe this was a bad idea. Tell me your proof so I can shoot it down."
Geneva: "You have fired five African-Americans and promoted two Caucasians."
Peter: "Coincidence! I win."
Geneva: "Yeah, see that's what I'm talking about."
Peter, verbatim: "Oh, wait. Wait. Geneva, I'm sorry. Let's start over. Tell me."
Geneva: "Ha! This is the worst. I actually feel sorry for you. We are both in this together, honestly. I had no idea literally speaking truth to power would feel so much like compassion."
Peter: "I had no idea asking for the onslaught of my abuses of power would make my tummy hurt like this!"
Geneva: "Cary Agos was not ready to be promoted to deputy. Matan Brody was, I was, together we had two decades more experience, but you promoted Cary because you liked him. You fired Wendy Scott-Carr, you demoted Dana Lodge."
Peter: "But there were reasons!"
Geneva: "There are always reasons. Legitimate ones. The difference is that they had reasons for staying. And your reasons matter more than theirs. Automatically, baked into the cake, your voice is louder."
I was reading today about this study they did where they stuck an equal number of men and women in a room and they talked, and the women contributed to the conversation in stepped percentages: Sometimes 50%, sometimes 30%, and so on. And the men -- and a lot of the women -- consistently said afterwards that the women were dominating the conversation and the conversation was unequally predisposed toward the women. The percentage at which they stopped feeling this way was so fucking low, I think it was like 17% was when everybody found it equitable.
So are men awful? Maybe. But honestly, I love this study because it doesn't really say that at all: It's like saying that men are awful because gravity hurts their breasts less when they run. Either way, gravity's pulling down on everybody. We're all in the Matrix and trying to save ourselves, and privilege is about the various tools each of us are given to do that. And when you use a tool, it helps everybody else who has that particular tool: Promoting Cary, hiring Amanda Peet, firing Dana. Any tool's a weapon if you hold it right, but without malice behind it, you can overlook all of this because you're not really trying to hurt anybody. Which is not the same as not hurting anybody, but has the advantage of never questioning your viewpoint in a way that feels harmful or scary, because you're convinced that makes you a bad guy. But empires don't run on malice, they run on privilege.
Peter: "Let's pretend you're right, and I'm not just doing this pro forma and/or to get validation for my unbiased racial blindness. What do I do?"
Geneva: "Rethink. Review all promotions. Return hiring to a pure meritocracy..."
Peter: "That's what I'm doing! You're not really saying that, you're asking for tokenism."
Geneva: "Affirmative action isn't about tokenism, it's about icing the cake. Your prejudices are baked into the cake, so you account for that. Not by hiring just anybody, but asking yourself honestly and consistently if the power structure you create and support really matches up with the reality around you. Imagine yourself hiring the black candidate and think about what that would be like, how that would go. Oh, and you totally turned down speaking to the Minority Rights Coalition last week."
Peter: "That offended them?"
Geneva: "It was a slap in the face to them. Not Being A Racist is not the first and last step, because that's about you. That is purely about feeling good knowing you are not a racist. It doesn't actually help anybody or change the world. It's like opening a door and then calling it a day without ever walking through."
Peter: "My whole life cannot be about appeasing special interests."
Geneva: "Really? Mine is."
Peter: "What do you mean?"
Geneva: "What looks like kow-towing to you is every day to me. The difference is that the special interest I make a huge space for in my life, at all times, is one that you think is how things just are. White people. Men."
Peter: "Big Bad Me. Again."
Geneva: "Big Bad Everything, you goofball. Maddie Hayward's speaking to the MRC. You better get your ass there. Put that gift of gab to work."
CAS TRIBUNAL
Chenise Jayes is an anchor on the 400m US Relay team, Anna's roommate, and a witness to this guy who came to their room late, the night before London. They whispered, he gave her a bottle of pills, she went in the bathroom. That's all she can say, but the kicker is this: The other guy was Nelson Kimora, one of the Notorious Six. Everybody starts yelling in French.
Diane: "Excuse me? I totally speak French, and you guys are being jerks."
Judges: "You are sexy and powerful and awesome, so we will behave."
Will, sub rosa: "Ask for something. Do it now, don't care what."
Diane: "Gotcha. Also, pigs, we want a recess until tomorrow. Give it to me or pay the price."
Plunkett: "You already got a..."
Judges: "Diane has spoken! Recess!"
Diane: "Merci, monsieur."
Judges: "Le hubba hubba."
L/G
Will: "MVP, lady. Now, Anna. Who is this man Kimora?"
Anna: "A sprinter. Um, those were not designer booster drugs he brought me."
L/G: "Who is he and what is he to you, though?"
Anna: "My ex-boyfriend. Not my dealer. The end."
Diane: "She's hiding something. She isn't lying exactly, but..."
Alicia: "Maybe Nelson's drug use? Or she was holding for him, or..."
Diane: "I can't defend her unless she tells us. I mean... We need Elsbeth."
Alicia: "Elsbeth is in a pysch eval, so I give us even odds of ever even seeing her again."
Diane: "Assuming they don't immediately ship her to Briarcliff, could you..."
Alicia: "There's only a day left at this point. I'll get it done. And hey, thanks."
Diane: "What's a weekend of pampering compared to Elsbeth Tascioni?"
PSYCH EVAL
Q: "Do you feel guilty about drinking or using chemicals?"
A: "I don't feel guilty about drinking, and I don't do drugs..."
(Long pause, just like Alicia said.)
Q: "Why are you suddenly laughing hysterically?"
A: "Because I am super weird. And your long pauses are also."
Suddenly Elsbeth jumps up and starts yelling at Alicia -- you know, like a crazy person would do -- having solved the case of Nelson Kimora: Anna was pregnant. ICSH is the male equivalent of LH -- luteinizing hormone -- which is where the ghosting came from.
Alicia, cutely: "But the Olympics were ten months ago! She'd have an infant!"
Elsbeth: "Um, unless those pills he was bringing her were mifepristone. Get out there, girlfriend. Come on."
What I know about mifepristone is that you wouldn't take it the day before the Olympics. Well, no. What I know about mifepristone is that one time I saw a girl on a very good TV show called The LA Complex take it, and the thing you know she threw up on a piano, and that's actually literally all I know about RU486, because I am a gay dude.
L/G
Anna: "Uh no, I'm not telling my parents about my terminated pregnancy. They are the worst. How do you think I ended up an Olympic-level athlete? Not by having normal parents, that's for fucking sure."
L/G: "Then what ... do you want?"
Anna pulls open her flip-top head to reveal some very understandable crazy going on in there, namely that she feels like a total asshole for aborting a kid just because she wanted to get a medal at the Olympics. No judging, but I can see how that would drive you up the wall. What I don't get -- and Diane certainly doesn't get, because she already solved this one for herself before Anna was even born, which is why Diane is amazing -- is how she expected anybody else to deal with this problem.
Diane: "Here's the problem, we can defend you with the truth. If you tell the truth, you will get your $5M contract and you will run on Monday. If you don't, you will lose both."
Anna: "Then fine."
Diane: "Then what the fuck are we doing here?"
Anna: "Couldn't you just perjure yourselves? Like as a totally awesome favor?"
FLORRICKS
Alicia: "I find myself in a state of sexual upheaval so I'm phoning to set up a booty call later, okay?"
Peter: "I am oblivious to like everything. What's going on otherwise?"
Alicia: "I've got a lawyer in stir. You?"
Peter: "I'm, uh, watching Eli and Jordan argue over whether I should go to the Minority Rights Coalition today. It's weirdly hot, like watching Hobbits wrestle."
Alicia: "Did I mention it's Elsbeth Tascioni?"
Peter: "-- I'll call the judge right away. Oh wait, she was my lawyer, that'll look weird."
Alicia: "You are so sweet for thinking of it, though! You deserve a special treat later. A special treat of me having sex with you, I mean."
Peter: "Nice. But still, it's Elsbeth... What if you question the arrest itself? Make it a constitutional issue, and then the presiding judge will have to transport her."
Alicia: "Good! That's so smart. How did you just come up with that?"
Peter: "You said the words Elsbeth Tascioni."
CAS
Diane questions the analyst who discovered the ghosting, who was the same doctor who nailed the Notorious Six. After some hot posturing on Diane's part and some obnoxious posturing on his, we get to the heart of the matter: He's making his bones by having discovered this new untraceable marker and advancing the science of drug testing.
Dr. Chesterfield: "Think of contrails from an airplane. They don't just appear, something had to make them."
Diane: "So how do you prove definitely that Anna used this compound when she denies it? Does she have contrails?"
Plunkett: "Contrails are enough. They were enough with Lance Armstrong..."
Everybody yells at everybody else, and Will gets pissy and the head of the tribunal calls him "Rambo" and keeps talking about "Rambo" and it's funny, but in the end they are reminded that the tribunal doesn't actually need actual proof to keep her from running. It's silly made-up Swiss law, remember.
ELF JAIL
Kalinda: "Hey, little lady. I'm looking over your trial notes for Will and Diane and I gotta say, they don't make a shitload of sense..."
Elsbeth: "Diane's on it too? You guys are so awesome. So awesome!"
Kalinda: "This guy keeps talking about contrails..."
Elsbeth: "I know, right? Chesterfield and his contrails. The thing is that he's not wrong. With doping charges is the burden of proof is reversed. You gotta attack the three pillars. Hang on while I think of them."
She does, after a while: Analysis, Confidentiality, Chain of Custody.
Elsbeth: "It's like a three-legged stool. You knock that last one out, the CAS falls over."
Kalinda: "Sweet. Oh, and I think your transport is here, too... Why are you suddenly laughing hysterically?"
Elsbeth: "Turns out I fucking hate depending on other people."
Kalinda: "Sister, you have no idea."
FLORRICK @ MINORITY RIGHTS COALITION
"Now, we all know that I have made mistakes, but I want to learn. That's why I'm here speaking to you..."
There's a neat thing in this scene where Eli/Jordan's ongoing negotiations with Maddie Hayward are foregrounded, like a three-legged stool of power plays, so you don't even really hear much of Peter's speech ... until you notice that he is getting booed like Romney all of a sudden.
"My office... prosecutes more African-Americans than any other group, and I want to know why... President Obama... promised a discussion on race in this country. We've never had it..."
I guess if it were any other kind of rally there would be some kind of scary proto-riot that would cause Eli and Jordan to hurry Peter offstage, but if you think about it for a second I think you can see why that doesn't happen here. The funny part is that Peter continues to not give a fuck, the entire time. Like, since he doesn't get ushered offstage he just keeps acting like What, like he dropped the mic. Jordan is appalled.
Jordan: "Eli, you should listen to me more."
Eli: "I know! But I hate that!"
CAMPAIGN BUS A BIT LATER
Alicia: "Hold up. Did you almost start a race riot just now?"
Peter: "Don't be silly, they're just a passionate people. How's it going?"
Alicia: "Do you have time for sex?"
Yes, turns out. They do it standing up and barely moving, because that's how this show thinks people mostly do it.
I mean, obviously it's just a way for them to have crazy-hot sex on this show and still be on CBS, and they are not wrong -- consider the fact that, just like in every other kind of scene on this show, it's 90% whatever is going on with Alicia's face anyway -- although nothing so far has hit that one time with Will, which raised the bar pretty high. Still, it's funny to think about how in Chicago they do it mostly standing up, wearing winter wools, and holding mostly very still above the waist. Chicago Style ain't just a pizza anymore you guys.
Alicia: "Well, that was great. Seeya on the flip."
Peter: "Wait, are we like... What just happened?"
Alicia: "I'm fairly sure we did it. Chicago Style."
Peter: "Yeah but like, are we married, or..."
Alicia: "You really want to ask questions about this? Was that little bout not sufficient?"
Peter: "If I were a smarter man, I would realize this was a booty call. But since I'm Peter Florrick and have the advantage of everything being about my dick most of the time, I see no reason to objectively investigate my prejudices here. You don't know what you don't know."
Alicia: "Good boy. See you when I feel like it."
I would love it if Peter figured this out sometime and was like, "You make me feel like a whore!" Because first of all, bullshit. If men were ever completely honest about this, we'd all be having a lot more sex and feeling a lot worse about ourselves. Feeling bad for not feeling bad. But second of all, it's Alicia. You take what she deigns to give you, maggot, and by God you say thank you at the end.
Eli: "Peter! I am very worried! Let me on that bus! I am worried about your feelings! And also being stuck out here in this race riot you started!"
Alicia: "Just me, getting off. The bus, I mean!"
Eli: "Nice one."
TASCIONI
Alicia: "I swear this is a constitutional matter!"
Geneva, verbatim: "No, it is a stupid matter."
In the case of Elsbeth Tascioni chasing and tackling CEO Fassel -- after he run away from her unicorn-riding aggression at the Braddock University Q&A -- the facts are laid out as follows: The campus police got her in the parking garage, which is not university property because they only lease certain floors of the garage, and Elsbeth was finally taken down in a stairwell between them. The conversation is super fun and goes on for a while, but that's the basics. Geneva Pine, of course, has fucking had it, but there's no reason for anybody else in this scene to know that. Or how willing she is, today, to dig in her motherfucking heels and send Elsbeth to witch jail forever and ever. The judge is less interested in any of this, and of course Alicia just wants to salvage some weekend.
CAS
Diane, as is her wont and Will's as well, has figured out a way to use Elsbeth's third option as far as the ICSH confusion: chain of custody indeed. This one also takes a while to wind down and is lots of fun, but yeah. Kalinda has managed to prove -- while, of course, joining Diane in giving the gross Euros a wink and a wiggle or two -- that the samples were tainted and left out overnight or whatever. Diane listens to them debate: "The German is against us, but not as strongly. Villapique says this is what comes from these Rambo tactics... We need to flip the German. Where's Tascioni?"
TASCIONI
Geneva: "This arrest on the third floor qualifies for the hot pursuit exemption..."
Alicia: "That doctrine applies only in emergency situations when the officer doesn't have time to alert another jurisdiction!"
Geneva: "She threatened a guest lecturer at the university. He fled, she followed him, verbally assaulting the victim while he was trying to get to his car..."
Judge: "Whatever. It was a legal arrest. Campus police are categorical shits, but in this case they had cause..."
Alicia: "Fine, we don't care about the arrest. Just let her get a bond hearing down the hall."
Geneva: "No fair! That was the whole point of this charade! This court lacks the authority to overrule a Skokie psychologist's determination on her mental state!"
Alicia: "Come on. She's here now. You want to waste everybody's time taking her back to Skokie today, and then back here again on Monday? That's bureaucratic nonsense."
Geneva: "That is my middle name! Geneva Bureaucratic Nonsense Pine! This is the most important ruling you will ever hand down! We request that Ms. Florrick be sanctioned also for pulling this trick!"
Alicia: "Oh my God, what is wrong with you today."
Geneva: "ASK YOUR FUCKING HUSBAND WHY I FEEL LIKE A RAT IN A TRAP TODAY, I DARE YOU."
Judge, verbatim: "Stop it. Seriously, stop. Please go find some criminals to prosecute, and defend. Jim, please escort the defendant down to bond court so she can post bail... Come on, Ms. Pine. When the law is an ass, someone has to kick it."
I LIKE THAT
The tribunal rules against the chain of custody thing, because they feel like it, and just as Will is getting ready to actually blow his top -- which, considering what a simmer he's been doing all episode, it's impressive he's only now boiling over -- as Elsbeth appears, literally running across the ice toward them with like a million tote bags and shawls and whatever other crazy Elsbeth accessories come with her. She tells the tribunal to wait, puts her shit down, messes with her shit for awhile, gives Will and an archly affectionate Diane huge hugs and small talk, giggles a bit, and calls up one last witness.
German Dedrick Klein is a cyclist who two years ago was accused of using banned substances, and suspended from cycling. He appealed, like we're doing now, and at his arbitration in Lausanne, despite a total lack of evidence, the French judge here convinced the two Egyptian judges on the tribunal at that time to kick him out. Well, the German judge at our current hearing didn't know about that. What he does know, as it is his business, is who won that year: The French cyclist. Everything goes to shit, of course, and Elsbeth just crosses her arms proudly, watching the absolute chaos she was able to create with like five seconds' worth of effort.
Will: "The real Rambo... Is you. Elsbeth Tascioni."
FLORRICK CAMPAIGN
Peter's about at a level of Jordan discomfort with his weirdly tone-deaf race remarks, but Eli's excited to revisit the footage. Why? Because it has gotten him a huge bump in the polls: "It went viral. People are calling you brave, standing up to special interests... The polls will prove what the editorials are saying, this is your Sister Souljah moment. You spoke truth to minority interests, so when those two ASAs go public, they'll be seen as sour grapes. You inoculated yourself."
Jordan: "And we're cool with how this is disgusting?"
Eli: "This is politics, not a fifth-grade ethics class."
Jordan: "If such a thing existed, you wouldn't need to make that distinction. We'd all understand ethics. But I think pissing off minorities is a shitty way to go."
Eli: "And I am hissing and spitting at you because I need to convince all three of us that you are wrong. And since you're aren't -- and questioning me about it makes me feel like a racist and I am not a racist, I'm a good person -- I'll just have to settle for getting insanely defensive and belittling you."
Jordan: "Rule #1. Got it."
Peter: "Be nice to him. He's wonderful. Also, we need him."
Eli: "WHY?"
Peter: "Are you being investigated? Then you know why. And stop being so fucking sketchy about it"
L/G AFTER HRS
Elsbeth toasts her friends at L/G with crystal elf wine from the Misty Mountains, which will extend their lives at least thirty years, served from a Killashandra decanter in the petals of very rare roses. A hobgoblin peeks around one great toadstool, nervous and chastened, desperate for aid.
Diane: "Eli? Do you need somebody to hand you a sock and therefore your freedom?"
Eli: "No. I need a lawyer. Specifically nobody in this room, except for..."
Elsbeth: "...Did I ever tell you guys about that time I captured Pegasus, the winged horse of legend? It was on a trip to Vegas and we really needed to get across town in time for the great convergence of these planets, whole other story, but so anyway..."
Eli: "Elsbeth? I need to talk to you."
Alicia, Diane, Will: "Oh my God this is the cutest thing I ever saw."
TWO WEEKS
Elsbeth hopefully, Maddie Hayward hopefully. Most of all, I really hope we stick with this race stuff, because I feel like our cultural conversation is begrudgingly moving towards clarifying these issues -- that to compare or contrast forms of oppression is not to equate them; that everybody has a stake in privilege and no villain ever called himself that -- and this show does it better than anything I can think of, in terms of laying out a situation where everyone, and therefore no one, is a voiceless victim rather than a differently privileged player in the game. Which I mean, it would take four years of the prettiest white rich lady in the world having rich white lady problems to get us all the way here, but I mean: We're here now, and it's possible to feel good about the conversation instead of just awful and defensive, and the show does that. So that's exciting. Everything that rises must converge. Plus, you know, Jordan Karahalios is compelling television. If Cary ever comes back we'll have ourselves a nice little set.