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Welcome to the third all-star season, which means it's only appropriate that we're re-meeting teams who are doing this race for the third time. Among these are cowboy brothers Jet & Cord, who are joined by blonde country singers Caroline & Jennifer; Sri Lankan twins Natalie & Nadiya, one of whom has helpfully colored her hair to make it possible to tell them apart; the ridiculously irritating Brendon & Rachel; Jessica & John, the only team ever to be eliminated while in possession of an Express Pass; Globetrotters Flight Time & Big Easy, who are also third-timers; father & son David & Connor, who had a winning streak even after David blew out his Achilles tendon but couldn't keep it up because, you know blown Achilles tendon; YouTubers Joey & Meghan; cousins and self-proclaimed "Afghanimals" Leo & Jamal; and additional third-timers Margie & Luke. The final team is Kentuckians Bopper & Mark. Or is it? Due to a pancreatic illness, Phil had to make the unprecedented move of Philiminating someone in a doctor's office, the night before the race even started. Phil's got good news for Mark, though, which is that he can offer him a fresh partner. There are plenty of tears, but Mark is paired up with fellow Kentuckian Mallory (also on her third Race, after running two with her dad Dave), so Mark will still get to race for as long as his susceptibility to motion sickness and heat exhaustion will allow.
From the football stadium at UCLA, where the Bruins marching band is on hand to play the Amazing Race theme song, Phil tells the teams that they're going to Guangzhou, China. First, however, they need to find members of the marching band who have Guangzhou's Chinese symbol on their hats. It's a race for seats on the first flight, won by the Afghanimals, the Cowboys, Dave & Connor, and the Twinnies. Everyone else ends up on a flight an hour behind, but they all have to start off in Guanghzhou by finding a place called the "Street of Wedding Dresses," a whole district of bridal boutiques, to find the few stores that contain clues. The Afghanimals and the Twinnies team up early on, but Natalie and Nadiya soon hate them as much as everyone else does, and switch to partnering with the country singers as soon as they arrive. As anyone would. Well, with Caroline, at least.
Jet & Cord take an early lead to find Canton Tower, the tallest tower in China. There's a rooftop Ferris wheel of sorts, and the racers have to ride it to find their clue, whether their car contains a valid clue on the inside of the door or not. The Cowboys are amazed to see teams from the second flight show up , like Margie & Luke and Team Big Brother, but Jet & Cord hold onto their lead, with Brendon & Rachel close behind. Meanwhile, the country singers and the Twinnies fall to the back of the pack behind on the wedding dress challenge.
From Canton Tower, teams head to a nearby stadium where they have to do part of an aerialist act, starting with Cord doing five backflips while suspended by wires 300 feet in the air. He & Jet are the first team to reach the Pit Stop and receive the two Express Passes, and after Brendon completes the task as well, he and Rachel come in second. Connor, Margie, and Leo also manage it, coming in third, fourth, and fifth respectively. At the rooftop Ferris wheel, Natalie & Nadiya are soon paralyzed by bickering and indecision, cementing their last-place position going into the final task.
Mark & Mallory come in sixth, proving themselves a viable team, with the Globetrotters right behind them. Jessica & John are happy to come in eighth and not have to worry about another Express Pass debacle. Joey performs the flipping with a predictable amount of shrieking and brings Team YouTube in tenth. So the Twinnies end up having a spectacular failure of a day, getting that dreaded first Philimination of the season. At least they realize after the fact that they did horribly.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Okay, this is actually pretty cool. We're looking down at the football field at UCLA, where the Bruins marching band forms the letters "TAR 24" while playing a brass-and-drums-heavy version of the Amazing Race theme. Damned hospitable of them. Phil comes running out onto the field among them, saying this band has been playing for more than 90 years. Wow, and they look so young. Phil adds, "Today, this is the start of an epic adventure for eleven of the most memorable teams looking to rewrite their Amazing Race history." Or, in most cases, just adding another sad chapter to it.
The first team to come trotting down the bleacher steps are Jet & Cord, the brothers-slash-cowboys from Oklahoma who made it to the final three in TAR 16 and returned for TAR 18, which unlike this "All-Stars" season had the more accurate title of "Unfinished Business." Obviously they didn't win that one either. There's a sepia-toned flashback made to look as though we're peering through the mists of time to a supercut of them riding yaks and saying "Oh, my gravy." In the present, Cord (the redheaded one) tells us that he got married the day before their second race, and Jet had a two-year-old at the time, so their heads weren't entirely in the game. But this one will be easier, he promises. "Definitely back in the saddle," Cord says. I'd suggest that the Amazing Race is more like riding bareback, but then I'd have to bring up Jet & Cord's offscreen homophobia and nobody wants that.
are Jennifer & Caroline, the blonde country singers from Nashville. Jennifer admits that they were "a little boy-crazy" the last time around, thus the flashbacks of them hugging shopkeepers and flirting with TAR 22's eventual winners, Bates & Anthony. Caroline says, "We have no boyfriends on this race to distract us." Or to help them either, so it'll be interesting to see how they do without them. I'm sure another team will be happy to step up. You'll see who I mean.
Natalie & Nadiya are also back. They're the identical twins who were born in New York but raised in Sri Lanka, and even Phil is referring to them as "Twinnies" now. Natalie has helpfully added some blonde streaks to her hair so I can tell them apart now, as she interviews that they can be loud and obnoxious. The flashbacks of them arguing with each other during TAR 21 are certainly bearing that out. Nadiya freely admits that they were "a hot mess" then, but are now "more focused on productivity." Natalie tells her to shut up because if you're not a hot mess you're not racing right. This bodes well.
Ugh, stupid Brendon & Rachel are back too, after parlaying their Big Brother showmance into a run on TAR 20. And yes, they were on two seasons of Big Brother as well. I just can't seem to get away from these fucking people. Needless to say, Rachel has shown up in spangly green hot pants and thigh-highs. There's a flashback to some of her multiple meltdowns during their first season, and she says that they got to the final leg (which they did because that year's cast was almost completely lame), but they "lost track of what it is to work together." Not that they ever had track of it. Brendon adds that since they're now married they'll be fighting a lot less. Even Rachel doesn't believe that, and she busts out her annoying laugh to prove it. The sooner they're gone the happier I'll be. My only concern is that Rachel's many maddening habits include her tendency to win CBS reality shows on her second try.
Remember how Jessica & John had an Express Pass in their possession when they got eliminated on the fourth leg of TAR 22? Yeah, so do they. The flashback even includes the moment after their Philimination when Phil turned to the camera and said, "Oy vey." Now older, wiser, and much more floppy-haired, John freely admits, "That was dumb." Jessica promises no oy vey moments this time. It's already too late for that; instead of dumping him in Sequesterville, Jessica has since gone and gotten engaged to him. Oy vey.
Also back for a third time are Harlem Globetrotters "Flight Time" and "Big Easy," from TAR 15 and TAR 18. Big Easy says neither of them has lost a basketball game in years, but they've lost The Amazing Race twice. Though it looks like they had fun doing it, according to the flashbacks. "No excuses this time," Flight Time says, and Big Easy adds, "We're older, and wiser, and we still look good." Maybe if they could run a season against the Washington Generals? In other words, most of the teams from TAR 20.
Dave & Connor are the father/son team from Salt Lake City whose race was cut short after Dave's Achilles tendon snapped like a guitar string at the end of the second leg of TAR 22. Not that they left the race until the fifth leg, mind you. Connor says that they were winning legs anyway, and Dave says they're going to "show everyone what an old man and a young kid can do." Because there's never been a parent-child team on this show before.
Phil is still describing Meghan & Joey as "YouTube sensations" from L.A. There are flashbacks to Joey acting like a big goofball during TAR 22, an experience that Joey apparently considers a success because their combined subscribers went from half a million to three million. Congratulations on getting more internet-famous, guys. Meghan says they want to make their fans proud. I'm not sure that's possible.
The freshest team is Leo & Jamal, the cousins who last season referred to themselves as the "Afghanimals," which believe it or not was just about the least irritating thing about them. Leo says that they were "sneaky" and "conniving" in their season, which is a generous way of putting it when they were in fact "constantly and transparently lying to everyone for no reason at all." They felt targeted last season, though they don't say anything about having brought that on themselves, and claim that their "creativity" will go up a notch this time around. Does that mean better lies? Oh, and they're still unfunny buffoons.
There's one more team who's back for a third shot: Margie & Luke, another parent/child team. Luke, who is deaf, sign-terviews (with subtitles as always) that he screwed up with the final surfboard challenge in TAR 14 and the tea challenge in TAR 18, but he wants to make up for it -- twice. Maybe if he's figured out how to not get crippled by frustration. As for Margie, she's pretty nervous, being five years older than she was when she first did this. Luke says she's now the bionic woman, not that that wasn't her nickname five years ago as well. Maybe she's gotten a hip replacement since then.
Finally, Bopper & Mark, the two best friends and self-described country boys from Clay County, Kentucky show up in matching Kentucky t-shirts. Bopper's hair has grown back from his head-shaving challenge, fortunately, but it's also grown on his chin in a configuration I can only describe as rather less fortunate. There's a flashback to a lot of Bopper's trademark yelling during TAR 20, and he interviews, "We gon' ride together, we gon' die together." Not to give anything away, but Bopper has spoken too soon.
So now that we've re-met everyone, they run along the track surrounding the field and assume the traditional crescent formation in front of Phil. "Nice to see familiar faces," he half-lies, and starts off with an announcement. "Last night, one of our racers had to make an emergency visit with our race doctor." The teams react, and some actually look as if they're thinking, "Wait, was it me?"
And we travel back in time once again, but this time just to the night before, at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles. Bopper is in an exam room, being thumped and prodded by a white-coated doctor while Mark looks on with concern. Bopper interviews in daylight that he had a pancreas attack the night before and he's just waiting to get cleared to race. Which is odd, because by the day he's already heard the news. Then we're back to the evening before, when Mark & Bopper sat across from the doctor's desk while Phil perched on the file cabinet to the window. Phil gravely tells Bopper that according to Dr. Horowitz, Bopper isn't healthy enough to do the race. Mark drops his head, and Bopper blows out his breath like he's been gut-punched, which in a sense he has. Calmly, Bopper says this is devastating, and the race doctor pipes up to tell Bopper that his inflamed pancreas could kill him if it goes bad. I'm not sure Bopper is willing to let that stop him. Both of them are starting to well up, possible due to the health news as well as the race news. As for Phil, he has Philiminated an awful lot of people over the years, sometimes in some pretty unusual places, but this must be the first time he's had to do it in a doctor's office, before the race even started. He tells Mark there's good news, but Mark can't imagine what that could be. Phil says that if Mark still wants to race, they can find him a new partner. "You would be doing it for Bopper. And we will team you up with somebody so you get the opportunity to go around the world and race. And you still have a chance to go and win that million dollars." But who could they find on such short notice, unless an alternate is standing by (alternates are always standing by)? Mark is clearly torn up about this, even as Bopper gives his blessing: "You can not not do it." Mark says this is the hardest decision he's ever had to make. Mark has made a lot of easy decisions in his life, then.
Back to the starting line, where the other racers are reacting with shock (and in Rachel's case tears, because camera hog). Phil goes on to say that Mark's new teammate has Bopper's blessing, and will also be representing Kentucky. "Here she is," he says, pointing up at the bleachers behind them. And who should come running into view with a backpack on but Mallory, the 5 Hour Energy-sized ex-Miss Kentucky who ran with her dad Gary in TAR 17 and then made it to the final leg in TAR 18. It's a little weird to see her doing a joint interview with Mark, promising to make their state proud. "In Kentucky, we got each other's back." Yes, that's what I've heard from people who watch < a href="http://www.televisionwithoutpity.com/show/justified/" target="blank">Justified. She joins Bopper & Mark for an emotional three-way hug. As Bopper presents Mallory with a headband signed by his daughter that he wants her to wear, he's crying, and so is she, and so is Mark as he hugs Bopper again. And Rachel comes rushing over for a hug as well, because camera hog. Bopper interviews that Mallory's a tiger and they'll do great. Mallory has certainly completed more legs of the race than Mark has, and unlike Mark she has collapsed on none of them.
Okay, is that enough crying for the beginning of the race? Normally that happens at the end. Phil echoes a lot of people's sentiments when he finally says, "Okay, let's race." He tells them that they're going to the "most populated country on earth: China." I think everyone already knew which country that was before he said its name. As has been the case for the last few seasons, the winner of this first leg will receive an Express Pass. John waggles a rueful finger in the air while everyone laughs at him, as they should. Phil goes on to say that the winning team will also get a second Express Pass that they will have to give to another team before the end of the fifth leg. "But I can promise you that most of you will be eliminated…again!" In many cases, I can't wait. He says they're going to Guangzhou (though the name of the city was clearly looped in later), and the Chinese symbol for that city is currently showing on the hats of the marching band's two drum majors. That's an absolutely astonishing coincidence. Unless that's why they picked the Bruins marching band in the first place. What the racers will have to do first is find members of the band who also have that symbol somewhere on their person. Phil says it's "hidden" on them as though the racers might have to do a cavity search, but it's right there on their hats just like with the drum majors. The racers will need to bring the band members in question over to Phil to get their clue. Also at stake are seats on the first flight to China. Then they'll leave here in product-placed hybrid cars with electrical ports on the sides, so the racers will have to plug them in when they park them at LAX. That sounds suuuper convenient. Where can I get one of those cars? Oh, right -- fuck that. Phil asks if everyone's ready, and they certainly seem to be. "The world is waiting for you…again!" Phil quips…again. He raises that iconic finger and that even more iconic eyebrow. "Good luck…travel safe…GO!"
As the band strikes up again, this time with the UCLA fight song, the racers all sprint away from Phil onto the field, racing to a spot in front of the drum major. They gather below the podium to take a look at the Chinese character on the drum major's hat, which is a relatively simple one. Then they start spreading chaotically (and noisily) through the band, which has again started marching around in formation just to make things that little bit trickier. UCLA alum Brendon joins in on the fight song as he and Rachel search, and yes, it enrages me that I even know Brendon went to UCLA. The Afghanimals and the cowboys seem to be the first teams to locate a band member to drag over to Phil, but Leo & Jamal reach him first, and are thus the first team to make it on the first flight to China, with Jet & Cord close behind. Phil hands them both their first clues. Dave & Connor start hauling a trombonist over to Phil, while the two lead teams are already outside the stadium to collect their backpacks and get into the waiting cars. As they drive out of the parking lot, Leo high-fives Jamal over his shoulder and Cord grins, "Everybody's always excited to see us. I don't know why." Me either. Dave & Connor secure their places on the third flight, and Natalie & Nadiya are the last team to do so, just ahead of John & Jessica. And they're pretty loud about it, too.
Now that the first flight is full, there's no point following the rest of this task. We just see the remainder of the teams flooding out to the parking lot, loading in their backpacks, and hitting the road. On what is presumably the 405, Dave yells excitedly about being on their way to China, and Mallory tells Mark that they've got to win this. "Third time's the charm," says one of the seven people doing this race for the third time. Rachel tells us that she's star-struck as a fan of so many of these other teams. Yeah, I'm sure the feeling is mutual. Joey & Meghan can't believe they're back. I don't believe they have much chance of sextupling their YouTube numbers again.
After the credits, which now end with a BOOM instead of a BOMP in honor of the All-Stars, Mark wonders aloud to Mallory if they're going the right direction. He thinks they should be going towards Los Angeles. I'm not sure how to address that, because UCLA is west, and LAX is south, and Los Angeles is fucking everywhere. Mallory breaks the news that "I am so bad with navigation," which I'm sure puts a dent in Mark's excitement over his new partner. I seem to recall that getting lost is what put her and Gary out of the running in TAR 17. She interviews about how hard it is to travel with someone you barely know, and Mark agrees that they have to get to know each other's strengths and weaknesses. Indeed, in the place where the subtitles normally indicate the teammates' preexisting relationship, Mark & Mallory are identified as simply "Team Kentucky." As Mark drives, he checks with Mallory on her ability to eat stuff (anything but cole slaw, apparently) and she checks on his willingness to wear a dress. Let's just say his answer suggests that he wouldn't have enjoyed being in TAR 23 very much.
Arrival at LAX, never easy, is further complicated by the fact that they have to find the charging stations in the parking ramp. Dave & Connor seem to manage this first, then Natalie & Nadiya, though they can't even get the thing plugged in without swearing at each other. The Afghanimals approach the ticket counter in what they think is their usual charming manner, and Leo "jokes" about getting upgraded to first class. Alas, the ticket agent doesn't take him up on it and get them disqualified. At another counter, a wide-eyed Mallory tells Mark that she forgot their passports. Oop, she's just kidding! That will help them bond. Mallory interviews that she had to ask Mark his last name. "We got communications issues to work at. We're glad we have a whole flight to China," she says. Mark agrees, "Whatever we gotta do for Bopper is what we're gonna do." It'll be easier for them to get to know each other when they're both sitting in their airplane seats and the top of Mallory's head isn't level with Mark's armpit.
Later in the airport, Brendon and Rachel express their sympathies to Mark over Bopper. I suppose these two teams did race together during TAR 20. Natalie makes fun of Rachel for having already started crying, and Mark is pretty forthcoming about how much it sucks. Natalie says she can't imagine being told she couldn't race with Nadiya, and Nadiya says she'd be like, "Bitch, you better not go nowhere." Isn't she always like that anyway?
The first four teams (Afghanimals, cowboys, Dave & Connor, and the Twinnies) board that first Cathay Pacific flight after dark, and Dave says this will give them an hour's jump on the other teams. The second flight is an Eva Air joint carrying Jessica & John, Team YouTube, the country singers, the Globetrotters, Luke & Margie, Team Kentucky, and Team Big Brother. Cue the Amazing Green Line and the Amazing Teal Line zipping across the Pacific to Guangzhou, via Taipei and Hong Kong respectively. "When they land," Phil narrates, "they must travel by taxi or Metro to Guangzhou's Street of Wedding Dresses." That is apparently an actual thing, as the camera pans across bridal boutique after bridal boutique on this one nightmare-inducing block of the city. Amid the hundreds (!) of stores, the teams will have to find one of only three, each of which has a limited number of clues which the proprietress will hand over in charming little gift bags.
But first, we get a nice aerial shot of the huge city, with its skyscrapers and its traffic, and oh yeah, its airport, where the first four teams are dashing through the terminal in search of ground transportation. The cowboys look for the Metro station while the Twinnies, Dave & Connor, and the Afghanimals head right outside to the taxi stand. Jet & Cord can only hope they're on "the express train to the Express Pass." Looks like it worked out for them, because they soon come up out of the station and right out onto the correct street. "Look at all the fricking wedding dresses," Jet says, which is unusually salty language for him. "How many fricking dress shops are in this place?" Oh my gravy, what a potty-mouth. They quickly find a blurry-faced local who's willing to point them in the direction of one of the three stores they're looking for, just as Natalie & Nadiya are arriving in their taxi and complaining about the signs being in "Asian." Can you still be an Ugly American if you're from Sri Lanka?
The Afghanimals are also rolling up, and Jamal says that since his race, he got married to a woman named Tammy. She didn't mind him and Leo making Ally & Ashley their "race wives?" I suppose if you're going to marry Jamal, you can't be a person who minds much of anything. Or maybe it's just that when he was in the race the first time, she hadn't come in the mail yet. Both teams are soon out of their taxis and looking for someone who can speak English to help them out. And since they're in the same place at the same time trying to do the same thing, they're soon working together in a hurriedly-forged Loud South Asian alliance. "How hard can this be?" Nadiya interviews portentously. You just let us know later, Nadiya. Much later (spoiler).
The cowboys see the four of them running around and quietly stick with their plan, which is what they're doing when Dave & Connor's taxi approaches. Dave takes the cowboys' presence as a sign that they should get out of the cab. Meanwhile, Leo suggests going into a hotel to ask directions, spotting what he thinks are Amazing Flags out front. The Twinnies tactfully point out, "That's just Chinese flags." "Yeah, you lunatic, shut up." They interview that the Afghanimals are so stupid that they're even worse than the Twinnies themselves. Leo makes a dumb joke and laughs even dumber, prompting one of the twins to snap at him that it isn't funny. Which it isn't, but what else is new?
The cowboys are now searching the numerous back alleys of this district, where there are even more dress shops, if you can believe that shizz. They quickly find themselves at Silver Gorgeous Wedding Dress Shop, indicated by a subtitle on the screen and the gong sound that's usually used when a racer is being particularly idiotic. But four little Amazing Gift Bags with the clues are waiting for them, and the shopkeeper hands one over. Out in the alley, the bag contains not only the clue envelope, but a little round plastic bubble that could almost be a toy Jetsons car or something. The actual clue is telling them, "Travel by Metro to find the building in Guangzhou with bubbles on top." Never mind that Jet pronounces the name of the city as "Gang-zoo." We cut to that very tower, which according to Phil stands 1,968 feet and is the tallest tower in China. He also claims that Canton Tower has the world's highest Ferris wheel, but I don't see it. All I see is a slanted circular track around the perimeter of the gently raked roof that bubble-shaped cars slowly circumnavigate. George Ferris would look at that and be like, did Ferris Bueller invent that because I have no idea what you think that is. As it happens, the clues are to be found inside those bubbles, just inside the sliding door. And we all know how much the Amazing Race likes to include height-based challenges in the first leg, so is it crazy to assume that clue will be asking someone to descend that tower the hard way? Whatever the case, Jet & Cord head out.
The second flight lands in Guangzhou, and some of the lagging teams -- Caroline & Jennifer, Jessica & John, and Meghan & Joey -- are running around in search of the Metro. Unfortunately for them, Team Big Brother and Team Kentucky are already on the platform as a train rolls in and Rachel leads a cheer for it. They embark, soon followed by the Globetrotters and Margie & Luke. Rachel then starts chanting for the doors to close before the other teams arrive, and they obligingly do. Don't encourage her, train doors. That leaves the last three teams on the train together. "It's about to get crazy," Caroline says, probably optimistically.
Connor is carrying Dave's backpack as they spelunk the narrow alley that leads to the Rich Forest & Beauty dress store and the sound of the repurposed fail-gong. They collect their clue and thank the shopkeeper, Dave giving her a hug to boot. "Too close," he says on his way out as she smiles awkwardly.
Jet & Cord are at a ticket window, showing an agent the little model bubble that came with their clue and asking where they can find a tower with more of them on top of it. She sends them to Guangzhou Tower, which must be another name for the Canton Tower. Cord interviews about confidence and running one's own race, and as they wait on the platform for the train, Cord says, "Surely they didn't run right past the wedding shop." Jet clearly does not share Cord's confidence on that score. Nobody should.
In fact, the Afghanimals and the Twinnies are still wandering around aimlessly. They spot the sign for the Silver Gorgeous Wedding Dress Shop, and this time the fail-gong is back to being used for its original use, because the twins insist they're in the wrong place and lead them away. The shopkeeper just laughs. Along with America.
The first trainload of racers from the second flight gets off the Metro, Mallory yammering away to both Jesus and Mark at the same time. Soon they're all hunting the streets. Margie narrates that at age 56 she's not the fastest runner, but Luke is pulling her along by the hand. She just needs to squeeze if she wants him to let go or slow down. Or say something to him, presumably. All four of these teams are still together as they find the Precious One Wedding Dress Shop. There must be so many stores here that all the names that made sense were taken, and the latecomers had to randomly select their names using magnetic poetry sets. That must have been one long lunch at the Panda Rainbow Crystal Dragon Bamboo Jade Buffet, I can imagine. These four teams all get their clues: Team Big Brother, Margie & Luke, Team Kentucky, and the Globetrotters, in that order. That was startlingly efficient.
But on the last train to the Street of Wedding Dresses, John already has found a local who is willing to show them how to get there. She leads them up the street, with Team YouTube and the country singers tagging along. Speaking of weddings, Jessica interviews that she and John have gotten engaged since their last race, and she's amazed at how involved John is in the planning. Yes, I just bet.
The Twinnies and Afghanimals are still nowhere, at one point opening an unmarked door and starting up a dark staircase to what is probably someone's apartment. And the poor shopkeepers are still waiting patiently for one of them to show up.
Jet & Cord arrive by train and on foot at Canton Tower, and are pretty amazed at the glass elevator ride to the top. "If you fall from this far, that bubble ain't gonna save you," Jet remarks. I wouldn't even want to roll that far. They emerge onto the rooftop and select one of the bubble cars, number 15. Jet interviews that it was nothing but city in every direction, and that he's never seen anything like it. Hasn't he been on the Amazing Race twice already? "Oh your gravy," he says to Cord. As the door slides shut, Jet spots what looks like a clue affixed to the inside of the door just under the window, but when he lifts the hinged flap it just says "Try Again." Not what they were hoping to see. But they're already stuck in the incredibly slow-moving car, and they have to wait for the ride to be over before they can check another one. "Where in the heck is everybody else?" Jet wonders. Behind you, somewhere.
Back at the bridal district, five teams are still searching for one of the right shops when they all run into each other. The Twinnies are obviously not pleased to have been caught up by teams from the second flight. "We've made no progress with these fools," Nadiya interviews, referring to the Afghanimals. They rifle through the racks of poufy dresses, and Joey channels his stress into a five-second Bridezilla act that still goes on too long. Failing to find any clues, the country singers decide to leave with the other teams to find someone who speaks English, and ditch the Afghanimals. "Fine with us," Jamal interviews winningly. Now on their own, the Afghanimals get directions from a woman on a moped to Silver Gorgeous, and receive their clue in seventh place. The one time in history ditching the Afghanimals proved to be the wrong move.
Jet & Cord's ride ends, and they step off the car and get right on the one, number 16. "We're still first in line," Jet chirps. "Awesome!" Indeed, no other teams have even shown up yet. Cord makes a drumroll sound before lifting the flap, which this time does appear to have a clue behind it. They read, "Search for your clue at the stadium on the river below." That would be Haixinsha Stadium, according to the subtitles, and from the top of Canton Tower it's almost directly below them, looking like a larger, half-buried version of Jabba the Hutt's sail barge. While Jet & Cord wait out their ride, the team shows up, and the cowboys are flabbergasted to see that it's Margie & Luke, given that they were on the second flight. Dave & Connor and Team Big Brother show up and pile into bubbles of their own as the cowboys watch. And then from inside their cars, where the clues are, the other teams start looking all over the damn city for the clue. "Look at the door," Cord says quietly and patiently as the others look everywhere but at the door. "Seriously?" Jet marvels at how slow everyone is. Mark & Mallory are coming up the stairs by the time Margie spots the clue in her and Luke's car, and Brendon finally points out to Rachel the clue they didn't notice in like five minutes of being in there. But then reading a room was never their strong suit. Alas for Margie & Luke, their clue tells them to try again, as does Dave & Connor's and Mark & Mallory's, but Brendon & Rachel have a valid clue in their bubble. Dammit. The other teams see the cowboys exiting the ride and heading for the elevator, but while Brendon & Rachel can't get off until their incredibly slow lap is completed, at least know where they're going from here, unlike the other teams.
There are still four teams wandering the bridal district together: the twins, the country singers, Team JJ, and Team YouTube. The Twinnies decide that they should split off from the others with the country singers, which with their luck means that Jessica & John and Joey & Meghan should be finding their clues momentarily.
The Afghanimals join the alleged Ferris wheel ride atop Canton Tower, and the first car they get in (#10) has an actual clue. Over in car #12, Brendon observes that the teams on each side of them don't look happy, whereas the cowboys did, which tells Rachel that the clues must be in even-numbered bubbles. They exit the ride in second place, Rachel hoping to "totally win this Express Pass," as Luke & Margie change cars and get a proper clue in this one.
Meanwhile, the two all-female teams are still lost, and one of the Twinnies threatens to strangle herself with one of the dresses. Whereas Jessica & John and Joey & Meghan are finding their way to Silver Gorgeous Wedding Shop and getting their clues in eighth and ninth place. Caroline says to her compatriots that they need a plan as they realize they're the only two teams still here. Currently their plan appears to be standing in the alley and complaining.
During the ad break, Natalie appears to have found someone who knows all of these shops. "Where was this guy hours ago?" she wonders. Living his life, maybe? He leads them right to Silver Gorgeous, which Natalie remembers seeing and not looking inside before. Of course they're all out of clues there now, and also at Rich Forest & Beauty. "The second shop, all the clues were gone," the twins interview in creepy unison. All they can do is follow their guide at a run to Precious One, which has the last two clues. "Oh, God, we love you, Twinnies," says one of the country singers. God knows why.
As the ride stops, Dave & Connor decide to get on car #16 because that was the one the cowboys were in. Assuming the clue isn't one they took with them. Of course, it isn't, and it's still there when Dave & Connor go inside. Mark & Mallory decide to take over the Afghanimals' bubble, since they look like they know where they're going, and a minute later so does Team Kentucky. Or do they? Margie & Luke leave in fourth place, just before the Globetrotters arrive ahead of Jessica & John and Joey & Meghan. The Globetrotters and Team JJ get clues, but Team YouTube is out of luck. Meanwhile, Mallory is looking down at all the rivers below and wondering if maybe there's a different stadium they should be looking for instead of the one that's the most crashingly obvious single structure in the hundred square miles currently visible to them. Mark interviews that Mallory doesn't know him well enough to trust his decisions yet, and Mallory eventually decides he's right. Good of her.
Dave & Connor leave the bubble ride in fifth place, just as the country singers arrive just ahead of Natalie & Nadiya. The latter team watches the former team boards a car, and Natalie says she thinks there's a clue in every car. As they step inside one, she's quite confident that they'll have a clue as soon as the door closes, and is stunned to instead see the message telling her try again. Nadiya, as you might guess, angrily wails that she told Natalie so, as Natalie asks why she didn't tell her. Now they have a whole nice, long, slow ride to yell at each other.
And now we're already at the destination. I was obviously wrong about Canton Tower being the site of the traditional first-leg heights challenge, but that doesn't mean there isn't one. Facing the open-air stadium that's just across the river from the tower are four smaller but still rather gigantic T-shaped towers. The cowboys have arrived at the clue box at their base, and Jet opens the envelope for a Roadblock. "Who's feeling wired?" Over shots of the structure, Phil informs us, "This awe-inspiring stadium hosted the opening and closing ceremonies of the 2010 Asian Games." And there's some footage of aerialists flying around during those poor man's Olympics to prove it. As for today, "Teams are required to perform five high-wire flips as they travel 300 feet to the top of a stadium tower." This is the kind of high-wire they hang from in a harness, not the kind they walk on, so this is actually quite possible. "When the wire master has flipped out over their performance," Phil says, "he'll hand them their clue." I don't know, that kid doesn't look like he'd flip out over anything.
Jet nominates Cord for this one. They run to the towers, where Cord is horrified to realize what this is actually going to entail. Yes, he's going to have to put on a flame-colored leotard. As he quickly ducks into the changing tent and doffs his omnipresent cowboy hat, Jet talks about how great it would be to have the Express Pass. Team Big Brother arrives, and Brendon is doing this one. Cord comes running out in his costume, and the brothers interview about how those were his colors. Jet watches a quick demonstration on how to perform the flips, and boards the elevator that looks like it's taking him to the top of a NASA rocket. "Three hundred feet, man, you guys have something about heights in this town, huh?" he says to one of the guides, a bit aggressively. As he rides up, looking increasingly nervous, we hear him interview about how they've been outside their comfort zone on the race before, and all he can do is do it, "sweet suit" and all. Soon Cord has been connected to the two wires that are now raising him from the middle platform toward the top one high above him. Jet and Rachel watch from below as he's lifted into position. "And, action," Cord says calmly, and commences flipping backward, over and over. He's not touching the wires at his sides, so I'm wondering if that's a rule. Whatever the case, he's soon finished, not particularly gracefully, but he's yipping and whooping as he gets lowered back down, repeating his observation about Guangzhou and heights to Jet at the top of his lungs. Going down in the elevator, he tells the guide, "Not for me, man. I ride bulls." Yes, that's much safer.
Brendon's ready to head up there, and he and Cord high-five as they pass each other at the base of the tower. Divested of his flame-suit, Cord listens to Jet read the clue: "Make your way on foot to the Pit Stop." Phil says that's the Guangzhou Opera House, which looks a bit like Sydney's if it somehow became partially melted and entirely evil. "This futuristic building has become a favorite of architecture enthusiasts around the world," Phil claims, ballsily. He reminds us of the two Express Passes waiting for the first team to show up, and that "the last team to arrive will be eliminated." So no fucking around, you guys.
As Brendon is lifted off his feet, he says, "Aw, yeah, world's biggest wedgie!" And then an Amazing Editor puts up one of those Twitter hashtags, which I normally ignore, but since this one is "#worldsbiggestwedgie," I only wish I could. As Rachel hollers up that horrible nickname she has for him, "Bukie," he does five clumsy backflips and is done. "I'm king of the world!" he bellows as he's being lowered down. Revolution!
Jet & Cord come running up to the Opera House where a local is standing to Phil in medieval Chinese armor. He welcomes them to Guangzhou, China, and Phil -- who is not wearing his hat quite as well as Jet & Cord are, all tipped forward like he's trying to get the brim level for maximum aerodynamics -- addresses them. "Cowboys, you're back for a third time." Cord modestly says they'd better stop messing up, and Phil says they've got a good start because they're team number one. Which happened a lot their first two races as well, if memory serves. Phil presents them with the two Express Passes, and Jet interviews that he'd rather not have to give the other one away. Well, duh. "I think anybody that asks me, I'm just gonna tell them I've left it up to Cord." After a beat, Cord says, "Hey, don't do that." Oh their gravy.
Back at Canton Tower, Natalie & Nadiya are making the most of the spectacular view by arguing and blaming each other for their current situation. In the other cars, the other teams can tell it's getting ugly in there. That includes the teams that don't have a clue yet either, but they're still not freaking out like the Twinnies are. Natalie & Nadiya do agree on one thing, which is that this is the worst day ever.
Brendon & Rachel come running up to the mat, and they're team number two. The bright side is that I'm done with them for the week.
Margie is ready to do the high-wire flips. Well, she's dressed for it, which is not the same as ready. Luke signs that she doesn't like heights and prefers to keep both feet on the ground. She does indeed look pretty unhappy in that elevator. "I have something to prove to all those old women out there," she interviews as Luke dutifully rolls his eyes. I suspect that Luke wouldn't have minded doing this as much, but this might be one of those tasks that require the racer to follow verbal directions like they've run into before. Connor is already doing his flips at high speed, putting him and his dad in third place. Margie looks terrified as she leaves the lower platform, but starts the flipping as soon as possible. Unlike everyone else who's done this, she's pushing off on the cables, and when she's done the subtitles say she's in fourth place, so that must not be against the rules after all. "Okay I'm done, take me down!" she wails. Back on the platform, she's nearly sobbing as she says it was so cool, almost incoherently. This seems to have taken rather a lot out of her. Maybe she really is 56.
Jamal watches Leo do his flips, and yells up at him to do one more. "Just for fun," he says. Leo doesn't need to be told twice, and flips a few more times on the way down before deciding, "Okay, that's enough." The only time in history one of the Afghanimals decided that something was enough.
Dave & Connor are team number three, Margie & Luke are team number four (and Phil still remembers how to sign that), and Leo & Jamal are team number five. "And we're very sexy!" Jamal yells. Hilarious.
The "Ferris wheel" stops, and off step Team Kentucky in sixth place, the Globetrotters in seventh, and Jessica & John in eighth place. Nadiya observes that all of these teams were in even-numbered bubbles, but Joey & Meghan, who were in an odd-numbered car, are hanging around to board another one. And the country singers are out of there in ninth. While waiting to re-embark, Meghan says they should take #16, which of course works out for her and Joey. Finally the Twinnies get to disembark, and Nadiya is already yelling about whether they should take car #2 on the theory that all even-numbered cars have a clue, or wait for #12 because they know for sure it has one. By now, Meghan has already spotted the stadium below, so they know where to go. Unlike the Twinnies, who are still arguing about whether to get on #2 or keep waiting for #12. Considering how long a circuit takes, Natalie thinks it's stupid to wait another 25 minutes when they're in last place. They continue to argue even as car #2, stands there waiting for them with its door open. Finally, the car leaves without them, and they get to watch it inching away, knowing that Team YouTube's incredibly slow ride is already half over.
After the ads, Natalie snaps, "Nadi! We should have gone in that one! You're an idiot! Now we're just giving up spaces for no reason." Nadiya maintains that it wasn't worth the risk, even as Natalie insists that the even-numbered ones are right, and she's getting on #4 with or without her sister. Turns out it's with, and after they find their clue, Nadiya bitches, "We should have gone on two in the first place." Wasn't she the one saying not to? I mean, the blonde streaks don't lie. Considering how they just switched sides like that, I'm starting to wonder if I didn't get them confused in mid-argument during their season. Soon Joey & Meghan get off the ride in tenth place as the Twinnies helplessly watch from inside their on bubble, knowing they're in last.
A whole batch of teams are at the stadium now. From the waiting area, Big Easy says Flight Time looks terrible in his flame costume, but Caroline tells him, "Flight looks like a sexy piece of spinning meat." I always liked her. Big Easy half-kiddingly accuses her of working some angle: "Don't lie, he looks terrible." In the elevator, Flight Time says, "Better me than Big Easy. That would be a sight to see." Indeed, that would be a serious load-testing for that cable, and possibly the tower itself. As she's getting lifted off the platform, Mallory cheerfully says, "I don't feel very safe!" Nonetheless she starts flipping, hanging onto the cables the whole time, while Flight Time sets about demonstrating his name by doing his flips smoothly, one after the other. Soon they're both coming down on their separate towers, Mallory slightly ahead and Flight Time gracefully rotating so that he's descending head-first. "You look like a plucked turkey!" Big Easy encourages.
The twins finally get to step off the ride, as one of them says, "If we get eliminated today, I am going back to Sri Lanka and never coming back." The other one says they won't get eliminated, but they're going to have to hurry because the subtitles have them currently in last place.
Mark and Mallory arrive at the mat just ahead of Flight Time and Big Easy, in sixth and seventh place respectively. Phil turns to Mark to ask about his emotional state given his absent partner. Mark says that they're doing their best for Bopper. There's yet another flashback to when Bopper & Mark were an actual team, as Mark interviews that God had other plans for Bopper. And his pancreas. Mallory says they're both missing their teammates, but Mark says they'll figure it out. "It's gonna be great," Mallory says. Who is she trying to convince?
Jessica & John are team number eight, and Jessica interviews that she's happy not to even have the Express Passes, "because we don't have to worry about not using it, or using it. We don't have to worry about it at all." If the cowboys are smart, they'll give their extra one to these two just to fuck with their heads.
Caroline & Jennifer arrive in ninth place, though we never saw Jennifer doing the task, and then Joey & Meghan show up at the Roadblock in tenth place. He takes this one, and they're both aware of the Twinnies behind them. They shouldn't be too worried, because when Natalie tells Nadiya to decide and Nadiya says she doesn't care, Natalie shrieks, "Decide! I'm sick of making decisions and you're yelling at me!" So Nadiya tells Natalie to do it. Joey is dressed by now, running past Meghan as they both agree that he looks like a beautiful dragon. As Natalie is getting into her harness in the changing tent, Joey is being lifted off the platform in his usual shrill manner. "Holy fricking crap, I feel terrified," he says. So, the usual. Natalie is running for another tower as Joey does his flips, and is just boarding the elevator by the time he finishes. "Serious wedgie," she remarks. Joey & Meghan read their lest clue of the leg and head for the Pit Stop. "Come on, Twinnie!" Nadiya yells, and the thing you know, Joey & Meghan are at the mat, in tenth place, still in the race. Which can only mean one thing for the Twinnies, and the musical score knows it. As Natalie rises from the platform, squealing, "Oh my God, wedgie." Back on the ground, Nadiya remarks on how much they sucked today. "We made all the mistakes that we said we wouldn't, so it feels really, really bad." But, as Natalie does her flips, she says that she's happy to have Natalie as her twin sister. Good, because that's one thing that isn't going to change. Natalie finishes up, and they finally get to jog to the mat in what looks like very late afternoon, going by the angle of the sun. Phil wastes no time telling them that they're last, and that they've been eliminated. Unsurprisingly, they can't with this. "I can't even look at you, Phil," Nadiya says. Oh, come on, his hat isn't that dorky. In their final interview, she says it was the worst day to have a bad day, and it was one of their worst days ever. "We're twins for God's sakes, and today we just tore each other apart instead of working together like we should have. But you know, it's like, why can't we just get it together?" That's something Natalie can agree with. And she got her hair colored just for one measly episode, too.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at M.Giant[at]gmail.com.