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The second leg doesn't start off quite as smoothly as the first, as the cowboys misunderstand directions to the destination as being a 15-minute jog instead of 50 minutes, Brendon & Rachel run off in a random direction and Margie & Luke are stepping all over each other in the process of getting their first cab. Most unfortunate of all at first glance is Mark & Mallory's alliance with the Afghanimals, but that will soon be the least of their problems. At an academy across town, a tai chi instructor stamps their clues on their forehead. This sends them to an indoor play park, where a Roadblock requires one member of each team to put together an electric toy car, using instructions in Chinese while little kids run around distractingly. Everyone meets up here except the country singers, who left in last place, and the cowboys, who fell to last place after trying to travel too far distance on foot. Mark finishes the Roadblock in first place, Margie in second, and Dave in third, so clearly the parents have the advantage here. But since Mallory left Mark's backpack behind, that won't last, and they're soon having a meltdown over when, if, and how to retrieve it. Mallory's cool with just proceeding without it, because, of course, it's not her backpack. Mark feels differently, however, the backpack's contents comprising a significant hunk of his net worth.
While Caroline struggles with the Roadblock, Jennifer shakes Cord down so hard for the spare Express Pass that his teeth rattle. He and Jet hand it over, and the country singers immediately use it for the first task in the second leg. So the country singers are out of there right after the cowboys, who now have the only Express Pass still in play. At the back of the pack, Meghan and John are the last to finish the Roadblock, and Meghan helps her TAR 22 ally. Which she may live to regret.
Margie & Luke are the first team to find the Detour where they have to play "featherball," a game that is to hacky sack what badminton is to tennis (everyone skips the weird smoke-suction one that I'll explain in the full recap). Eventually all the teams find their way there, but keeping the shuttlecock in the air for ten kicks proves a challenge for all of them. Dave & Connor leave for the Pit Stop first, but after them it's looking close. It's a footrace for the win, with Team Big Brother winning their first leg ever, seconds ahead of Margie & Luke and minutes ahead of Caroline & Jennifer, Dave & Connor, Flight Time & Big Easy, Jet & Cord, and the Afghanimals. John & Jessica and Joey & Meghan come in eight and ninth, leaving Mark & Mallory to arrive in last place and face Philimination in front of all the rest of the teams. Wow, maybe a preexisting relationship between teammates is more vital than I thought.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!"Guangzhou, China has been referred to as the world's factory," Phil narrates, "where you can find anything at a competitive price." Just like in a factory? He's coming to us from outside the Guangzhou Opera house, which he describes as "award-winning." I might believe that if there's an award for buildings that look like spaceships. But it's now the start of the second leg, so what're you gonna do? Cowboys Jet & Cord won the first leg, so they're starting this one at 8:16 AM, like it's an office job or something. The first clue of the leg reads, "Make your way to the Chen Clan Academy and stand still in front of the master to receive your clue." In a clip, the leader of a yellow-clad tai chi class advances aggressively on the camera and then presses an inkstamp on the forehead of a production assistant, so presumably that's what the racers will have to undergo.
Jet & Cord run into each other while trying to leave the mat, which is some foreshadowing right there. Leaving the grounds of the opera house, they wonder not only where they're going, but whether they need a cab to get there. Jet interviews that after winning the two Express Passes in the first leg, they're happy to have one for themselves, but the one they have to give away is "just kind of a headache." Jet agrees that they've been trying to decide whom to give it to and when. Has it occurred to them to hold it over every other team's heads to get what they want like Marie did last season? No? On one of the city's vast pedestrian walkways, they find a local who can understand them enough to know where they're going, but can't get them to understand that it's probably too far to run. In subtitled Chinese (sorry, I don't know how to distinguish between Mandarin and Cantonese so I'm just using the generic term like a RACIST), he explains that it would be about a fifty-minute run. He tries to convey this by holding up five fingers, which Cord interprets as five kilometers. The local tries to further clarify by pointing to his watch, holding up a finger to wait, and then showing them five fingers. The cowboys seem satisfied that they've only got a fifteen-minute run ahead of them, thanks to the combined phenomena of the language barrier and hearing what they want to hear.
In news related to things you don't want to hear, Brendon & Rachel are leaving the mat in second place, at 8:23 AM. Rachel starts running off in a random direction, cutting through a densely wooded park for some reason while Brendon tries to both keep up and figure out what she's doing, which latter task is extra difficult because she doesn't know what she's doing either. Before the leg, she interviews that she and Brendon worked well together in their first leg this time around. "No emotions," she explains, and Brendon says they've already had a leg where Rachel hasn't cried so they're doing well. Rachel acts mock-offended, which is better than crying. They do manage to find a local who advises them via mime to take the Metro. She's either moving her hand low along the ground to indicate that they should be on the subway, or to indicate that they should lie down on the ground and never get up again.
Margie & Luke already seem pretty tense as she rips their clue at 8:39, reminding him to stay calm. Soon she's leaning in a taxi window, until Luke pulls her out, summarily claiming that the driver doesn't know where it is. Margie doesn't appreciate his interference as he hails a new cab, and by the time they're in that one, confident that now they know where they're going, Margie tells Luke to let her do it. He patiently signs "I know," but by now he's already gotten her to ignore her own advice.
Dave & Connor start the leg at 8:46 AM, in fourth place, and a local advises them to take the Metro as well. Jet & Cord, still on foot, stop a jogger coming the other direction to ask if they're going the right way. Also in subtitles, this guy tells them it's too far to run, but all they understand from him is which way to go. Jet says he'd hate to catch a cab if they're only two blocks away. Yes, that would be terrible, but the converse seems even more terrible.
Brendon & Rachel hop the Metro, as do Dave & Connor, but it's so choked with rush hour commuters that they never see each other. Lucky Dave & Connor.
The Afghanimals are taking off at 8:53, in fifth place. Mark & Mallory are not far behind, leaving at 8:56. Jamal interviews that as fans of Mark, Mallory, and their former teammates, they've decided to help Team Kentucky out. That is not a good sign for Team Kentucky. Mark says in a pre-leg interview that while he and Mallory do not yet know or trust each other, they'll get closer to winning with every leg they get under their belt. That is factually correct, if not founded on a rock-solid premise.
The Globetrotters leave in seventh place at 8:57, and Team YouTube is off at 9:09. Then it's Jessica & John at 9:13 AM, and Jessica figures they should go right to the Metro without her even having to talk to anyone. Except John, that is, but no plan is perfect.
The packed subway train carrying Team Big Brother and Dave & Connor lets them off at the stop near Chen Clan Academy, and the two teams only spot each other while looking for the exit. Soon both teams are standing out on the wide stone plaza in front of the Academy, watching the red-belted master lead a hundred or so students in morning tai chi exercises. At the end of the routine, the teacher advances on Rachel, kicking and punching, and extends one upraised hand inches from her face. She flinches, as anyone would, but then holds still when she sees the inkstamp strapped to his fingers. He stamps Rachel's forehead and then Brendon's with a line of text made up of the numeral 8 surrounded by Chinese characters. Rachel interviews after the leg, "What the heck, how are we supposed to tell a taxi driver in another country that this is where we need to go?" as she points to her now-clean forehead. I think she just demonstrated how to tell a taxi driver in another country that this is where they need to go. Dave & Connor take up position, thinking (correctly) that they're here ahead of the cowboys. Now Luke & Margie's taxi arrives, and the mother/son team approaches as the father/son team are getting their foreheads stamped. Rachel is asking a local for directions to the Chinese address on her forehead, and Brendon drafts that local to explain it to a taxi driver. She doesn't know if the address is close, though, and soon Dave & Connor are already in a taxi and on their way.
The country singers are the last team to start the leg, at 9:19 AM. Caroline says she's been hoping to meet a spiritual master, for whatever reason. They get directions and hugs from a local as they interview almost defensively that they're going to flirt. "We flirt with everybody," Jennifer says. "We flirt with each other." Caroline agrees, "We flirt with life." Whatever that means.
The cowboys are still on foot, and after finally showing their clue to a cab driver to check distance and directions, they're soon inside the taxi, regretting their slow start. They don't know the half of it yet.
The Afghanimals and Team Kentucky get off the crowded train near their destination, Jamal hollering his usual shtick about needing to get his pregnant wife to the hospital. Let's just hope nobody understands him. Brendon and Rachel see them arriving at the plaza as they're still trying to get a cab out of there, causing Brendon to bitch about "everybody" catching up to them. As he gets the ink stamped on his forehead, Mark cracks, "Might not show up on me." It does show up on him. As Brendon and Rachel depart in a taxi, he's still complaining about everyone catching up, which is an exaggeration, but soon we're seeing the stamp being pressed onto the foreheads of the Globetrotters, Joey & Meghan, and Jessica & John. Jess reads from the clue, "Watch out, there will be many children present. Be careful not to run into them." You can tell these are All-Stars because they have to be told that.
Dave & Connor are the first to arrive by taxi outside what looks like a big mall whose English name appears to be Edaytown. Inside, they have to search for the indoor play park, which predictably is waist-deep in children and shoulder-deep in general sensory overload. The sights include large groups of small kids, many of whom are lined up and dressed in miniature cop uniforms or chef's whites or what have you, like they're getting prepared for their eventual careers early. Connor spots the clue box, and as he retrieves the first envelope from it, we cut to Phil standing in front of a kiddie racetrack there to a guy in a red-and-white parade uniform. Phil tells us, "The region around Guangzhou is the world's capital of toymaking," and then tosses a pair of play balls in our faces as though we're not already smarting from the collapse of our manufacturing sector.
For the Roadblock, the teams will have to put together one of those miniature motorized electric car that a little kid can get in and drive, and when it's completed, with the lights working and all, the guy Phil refers to as the toy soldier will give them their clue. Dave thinks the line of kids dressed like airline pilots with rolling luggage is some kind of clue and starts following them, but fortunately Connor finds the area where the boxed car kits are stacked up before they can wander too far in the direction of wherever kids dressed like airline pilots go in China. Dave picks one of the large boxes, and interviews that as the father of five and grandchild of seven, with lots of experience putting stuff like this together, he was confident that he could get them out of there quickly. But then he discovered that the box contained not only numerous small parts, but instructions that were only in Chinese. So this might not go as quickly as he thought. On the other hand, this means all the other teams will have to learn to read Chinese too, right? Actually, it looks like there are also exploded diagrams in the instructions, so there shouldn't be too many exploded heads.
Margie & Luke are the second team to arrive, and Luke nominates Margie for this one, based on the question, "Who's the mechanic?" In subtitled ASL, he and the editors remind us that Margie built a boat propeller in TAR 14 and a big wooden dinosaur in TAR 18, "And I thought she would be awesome because she can focus on the small details," he adds. The kind of thing that sends Luke right into meltdown mode, in other words. Margie soon sees what's what as Dave is getting underway. There's also a little girl in an orange shirt who seems to be everywhere at once. She's just getting warmed up.
The Afghanimals arrive in third place, having apparently ditched Mark & Mallory at some point between the Academy and the mall. Jamal takes on this Roadblock, and Leo interviews, "Our dreams came true: partying with kids." He's trying to be hilarious as usual, but just coming off creepy. As usual. As Jamal heads into the Roadblock, Leo describes the place as Chuck E. Cheese on steroids. Which is actually not all that far off. Leo joins Dave and Luke at the waiting area, and is surprised to hear that the cowboys are MIA thus far. Then Brendon & Rachel show up, and for the question of who's the better mechanic, Rachel interviews, "Clearly not this girl." No, her skills lean more toward clinging to things for unreasonably long periods of time, a feat she usually accomplishes by imagining they are Brendon. Mark & Mallory show up in fifth, and the mechanic question is clearly a no-brainer for that team (the answer is Mark). Soon he and Brendon and Jamal are unpacking their boxes, still in a good mood because they're surrounded by happy kids and they haven't seen the instructions yet. Then the Globetrotters arrive, and Flight Time is doing this one. Dave at least has his wheels on, and he takes a break to let us know that one of the most frustrating things he's ever done as a parent is assemble toys in Christmas Eve. Been there, done that; I'm currently flashing back to a 226-piece toy kitchen that took me an hour and a half. When Team YouTube arrives, Meghan takes this, because she's always wanted one of these cars for Christmas. "Except it was pink and it had Barbie on it," she clarifies. Jessica & John take a few seconds to decide which of them is going to decide, but she agrees to do the one if John will do this one. So in case you're not keeping count, there are eight of ten teams at this Roadblock. Big Easy is keeping count, and he observes that the cowboys and the country singers have yet to arrive. Indeed, we see Caroline & Jennifer just now approaching the tai chi class while Jet & Cord are still in the taxi on their way there, while Rachel interviews that every other team has showed up. The country singers get their forehead-clues (Jennifer recoiling from the stamp until Caroline tells her to hold still) as Jet & Cord come running up, wondering how far behind they are. All the way behind, Jet. All the way. Both teams are pretty surprised to realize this as the country singers look for a cab and Jet laments, "First to last." Not to kick him when he's down, but "worst to first" is catchier.
After the ads, the cowboys have removed their hats and now await the stamps to their foreheads as though they're bullets, while Caroline & Jennifer are trying to hail a cab. Or Jennifer is, while Caroline calls out, "Hi, cowboys!" Jet & Cord end up getting the cab, so they're no longer in last place -- but not by much, as they are unhappily aware.
Over at Edaytown, Margie is trying to work through distractions that include, as she interviews, the kids honking horns and hitting her with rubber toys and stuff. She's probably used to a quieter environment. Brendon's biggest distraction, on the other hand, is Rachel wanting babies of her own. "Brendon, Rachel wants a baby!" Mallory hollers from the waiting area. I'm sure I'm already on record as being opposed to those two reproducing.
Suddenly there's a Danny Elfman music sting as the camera zooms in dramatically on that little girl in the orange. She is currently leaning back with her elbows on the low padded wall of the kiddie racetrack, as she watches Flight Time appraisingly. He has to chase her away from his parts, but she keeps bugging him, pleasantly informing him, "I'm going to complain about you" and "You're swearing a lot" before scampering off with an evil cackle. Flight Time seems to understand what she's saying, as though he either knows Chinese or can read the subtitles. Nobody ever said you can't learn Mandarin in Harlem. Big Easy just finds this hilarious.
The cowboys finally show up at the Roadblock in ninth place, and Cord wonders if they should already be using the Express Pass. Despite being in a rotten enough mood to spout foul profanities like "son of a buck," Jet seems confident that he won't need it. Even Flight Time interviews that once the cowboys arrive at a task they can usually get through it quickly. Jet rushes over to the assembly area with a big box, saying you can go from first to last in a hurry. Yes, especially when you make a dumb move. On the bright side, both his and Cord's shirts look as though they just came off the ironing board, as always. I don't know how they do that.
Mark is burning through this task, his pile of parts rapidly diminishing. "Just like Baby Bear's soup," he says, I suppose meaning that it's just right. "It was just a few bolts here and a few bolts there," he modestly says, and calls over to the toy soldier for an inspection. The wheels turn and all the flashing lights flash, so he's done with this task in first place. "I put the spare key in the trunk, sir," he quips as he accepts their clue. Mallory is overjoyed at how quickly this went, and Cord interviews that after he saw Mark walking through the play area with the car on his shoulder, he figures it was just going to be a question of who would win second place today because Team Kentucky has this in the bag. The other teams seem impressed too, as Mark & Mallory open their clue in first place. It tells them to take a taxi to Guangzhou Children's Cultural Center -- with their fully assembled car, even though it's obviously too big to fit into the trunk of a taxi. "We need a packing kit!" Mallory yells. We see her collecting bungee cords and protective cloths, and as Mark schleps the car to the exit, he reminds her to grab his backpack. His hands are full, you see. Soon they're outside, getting a taxi, and trying to get the car in the trunk as Mark tells the driver they have to be careful. "This is like gold," he says. Mallory points out that he doesn't understand English. Mallory should be paying attention to other things, as we will soon see.
Margie is the to finish the task, as Connor calls out to Dave to hurry it up. Dave was here first, you'll recall. With the clues on their foreheads smudged beyond legibility, Luke starts carrying their car out of there on his head. Outside, Caroline & Jennifer arrive in time to see Mark & Mallory at their cab, and Margie and Luke come out right behind them. "Where you going, Mallory?" Mark calls out to his partner, and in a fateful slo-mo shot, Mallory comes running toward the camera, and the screen goes darker -- except for a tight circle highlighting Mark's small black backpack, which is still lying on the ground where she's left it. Something tells me this will be important later. There's a quick cut of Margie & Luke getting their cab, and then we see that Mark has attached the car to the wide-open trunk with a web of bungee cords. The taxi pulls away, with the two of them feeling pretty great inside it and Mark's backpack looking pretty lonely outside it as it gets left behind. Don't worry, backpack, Mark will be missing you soon enough. Well, not quite soon enough.
Dave finishes the Roadblock in third place after starting it in first. Meanwhile, Margie is trying to convince a cab driver to let her and Luke put their car on his roof, which they only get away with because she throws the big cloth over it to protect the finish and also because the driver doesn't know the invaluable English phrase "Knock that shit off!" Back inside, Jennifer decides that Caroline is the mechanic of the team. "You like putting stuff together," she says. "I hate putting stuff together," Caroline points out. "Are you sure I said that?" Jamal calls for a check, and outside, Luke & Margie have their car lashed to the taxi's roof, and Margie promises to hold it while they ride, because that's going to make all the difference if the driver has to slam on the brakes. Inside, Jet remarks, "I never thought it would come down to beating one of the country girls to keep from getting eliminated." Not that he'll be in much danger of failing to do so. Jamal has his clue in fourth place, and outside, Dave & Connor's new cabdriver laughs helplessly at the spectacle of the car that they're trying to his open trunk, but soon they're on their way. But Caroline is in a nasty mood, saying she hates putting stuff together and interviewing that this was her worst nightmare. She needs worse nightmares, then. But she's at a loss, and everyone can see it.
While driving down a busy street, Mallory starts talking about wanting to check the car in the trunk behind them to make sure it's still secure. Mark gets out while they're stopped and looks it over, and assures her it's fine. But before he gets back in, Mallory asks him all innocent, "Is your backpack back there?" Which of course it isn't, which she knows damn well. In fact, I suspect that she's already realized she might have forgotten it, and this whole car-checking thing is just a pretext for a Hail-Mary look to see if it somehow found its way into the trunk. "You didn't leave it, did you?" Mark asks her. Mallory quickly says that she has his passport, which is kind of a sign that she's been thinking about this for at least a few seconds already, and claims that she thought he had it. Which is crap, because after she put it down on the sidewalk, it is highly unlikely that she thought about it at all until after their taxi left. Mark reminds her that he had his hands full with the car, and complains that now they have to go back for it. "No, do we?" Mallory says. Mark says he's got nothing, and wonders where Mallory even left it. "It was on the ground by your feet," Mallory claims, even though she left it nowhere near his feet. In fact, it was by her feet. Of course Mark never saw it near him, because if he had he would have picked it up. This is a tough one, because Mark is ultimately responsible for his own backpack, and he should have made sure it was on board before the taxi left. On the other hand, he probably assumed that since Mallory had assumed responsibility for getting it out to the car, that she would make sure it got into the car. Mainly his mistake is putting too much trust in her, while the normally sunny Mallory is suddenly acting shady as hell.
At least they're not having the problem that the Afghanimals are, which is that Leo is leading Jamal up an empty street while Jamal carries the car upside-down over his head, unable to see anything. But they are both able to see an equal number of available taxis.
Caroline comes over to Jennifer to whine about how bad she is at assembling things, like there's anything they can do about it, and Jennifer says she sucks at it too anyway. As Caroline gets back to "work," Jennifer confides to Cord that she's worried about Jennifer not being able to finish, on top of already in last place. She comes right out and asks Cord, "Can I have the Express Pass?" Cord says he doesn't have it on them. They're both laughing, but this is dead serious to her. Jennifer presses the issue, saying Cord can give it to them secretly, and that she and Caroline need it as "the most unassuming team." I would actually give that honor to Joey & Meghan, but Jennifer's trying to make a point here. Cord is red-faced at being worked like this, and the other teams are starting to pick up on what's going on. So much for giving it away secretly. Jessica is sympathetic to Cord's plight, interviewing, "I didn't like the feeling of people sucking up to us when we had it." Brendon finishes his car in fifth place, prompting Rachel to call out, "You're gonna make the best dad!" If having children with Rachel didn't instantly disqualify him from that honor, maybe.
Jennifer keeps nagging Cord, saying she and Caroline can use the Express Pass right now and pointing over at the helpless Caroline. Jet, meanwhile, appears to have finished putting together his car and is calling out to the judge, "Hey, price check on aisle three!" Jennifer is now embarrassing both Cord and herself, asking if he likes anybody more than he likes them. "No, right?" While everyone marvels at how quickly Jet is heading over to Cord with their completed car, Cord calls out to him, "Hey, Jet? She has a question for ya." Jet must therefore divide his attention between opening their clue and looking skeptically at Cord as the latter explains that Jennifer has promised not to beat them this leg if they get the Express Pass. Flight Time finishes his car, and Jet hands Jennifer their spare Express Pass while she's in mid-beg. "Oh my God, we love you," she interrupts herself, and the cowboys head for the exit in sixth place. Jennifer scampers over to Caroline, saying, "Let's go, let's go, let's go" and announcing to the camera that they're using the Express Pass. The Globetrotters read their clue in eighth place while Big Easy balances a Chinese kid in one arm. Don't pull a reverse-Mallory and forget to put him down. Soon a bunch of teams are heading for the exit while Joey cattily says to Jessica, "The blondes literally can't do anything on their own." I wouldn't go quite that far; they did okay their first season, and with a lot less shrieking than Joey, f memory serves. At the moment, Team Big Brother, the cowboys, and the country singers are getting in taxis. Not having to attach a toy car to their taxi, Caroline & Jennifer are actually the team to roll out of there, they interview that the cowboys are their John Waynes. Whoa, Jennifer worked Cord that hard and then grandpa-zoned him? "I knew I was gonna get it from him," she gloats. As the cowboys' taxi leaves the mall, Jet says it's perfect that the other Express Pass has already been used. "That puts us [as] the only team that has an Express Pass. The other one has already been burned on Leg Two, so that's…huge right there." The first task of Leg Two, even. Probably not the best strategy on the part of the country singers, if you ask me, but obviously they didn't.
The Afghanimals have wandered far enough to find a taxi, almost to the freeway, and Jamal eve had to stand in front of the car to get it to stop. Jamal tells Leo to just throw money at the driver. Instead, Leo offers the cabbie a high five and is left hanging. And with that, the cabbie just realized one of my own personal goals.
Mark & Mallory are the first team to get dropped off at the Guangzhou Cultural Center, for all the good it does them. As they get out and Mark starts detaching their car, he tells the driver that they'll need to go back. "But let's deliver this and then let's just see, Mallory says, like anything's going to change. He beings the car inside what looks a lot like a large bandshell, taking the time to high-five the kids and showing off the car's operation while Margie & Luke are rolling up outside. Mark gets their clue for the Detour, and then we cut to Phil standing over a customer in a spa as he says, "This Detour gives teams the opportunity to play an ancient game, or experience an ancient Chinese remedy." The game is "Featherball," which looks a lot like hacky sack except that instead of a hacky, groups of four of five people stand in a circle kicking a kind of shuttlecock. Which seems rather easier. Each team will have to join a circle and kick their featherball ten times without missing in order to complete the task. The other Detour, "China Cup," is demonstrated by the therapist who's inside the spa with Phil. She sticks a small burning torch into a glass jar to fill it with smoke and heat, then slaps it down on the bare back of her customer to create suction, and neat rows of hickey marks. Phil says it's used to "stimulate blood flow and remove toxins," but it just looks to me as though the patient has been attacked by a giant squid with OCD. Any racer choosing this Detour would have to endure it rather than perform it, but nobody's doing it anyway so it doesn't matter. Let's just move on to the Featherball task then, shall we?
Or actually, let's not yet, because Mark is still insisting on returning for his backpack, even as Mallory points out that Margie & Luke have arrived. "Did you see his backpack?" Mallory asks Margie, who rather shortly says she didn't. Luke delivers their car, and Mark returns to their driver asking to be taken back. But Mallory wants to do the Detour first, hoping that someone else will bring his backpack for him. Because there's nothing but precedent for that. Luke & Margie decide on Featherball, and Mark is frustratedly trying to get Mallory on track for returning his backpack, saying there's nothing else they can do. "No, we could have left it," Mallory says, saying she has his passport, which is all they need to continue racing. Mark mentions his medicine too. "What is the medicine that you need that bad?" she demands, showing touching empathy for her partner's problem. It's his nausea medication, and anyone who watched TAR 20 knows he needs it. Actually she has that with her too, almost as if she were planning on jettisoning what she saw as Mark's non-essential possessions (obviously I don't actually think that). But Mark isn't willing to ditch his clothes, so Mallory angrily gives in, saying it's going to cost them the whole race. All they can agree on is that they're wasting time now, and as Margie & Luke head to the Detour, they realize this puts them in first place.
And Mark is trying to get their driver to take them back, frustrated that the driver can't speak English and Mallory doesn't seem to be helping much. They're still there when Dave & Connor show up, and they didn't see the bag back at the Roadblock either. Mallory is working the entire street, both trying to get them back and loudly making sure that everyone knows Mark left his backpack and that it's not her fault. Dave & Connor get their Detour clue in third place. Finally Mark & Mallory get in a cab at least, angry and frustrated with each other as Mallory continues to maintain that she's sorry, but it's not her fault, and if it were her backpack she would go without it. Easy for her to say.
After the ads, they're still locked in recriminations over who left the backpack, and Mark asks if Mallory really expects him to wear the same clothes for 23 days. It's true that backpacks have been lost before, and there were those seasons when people who came in last for non-elimination legs would have to hand Phil their backpacks, but I don't remember it ever happening to anyone this early. Mallory claims she would do it, and in a post-leg solo interview, Mark reminds us, "Listen, I don't have a lot of money." In other words, he's not in a position where he can just abandon stuff like that. And Mallory solo-interviews, "I guess it just shows that some things matter more to some people." Amazing how she can make such a non-statement sound so obnoxious. Back in the cab, Mallory tells Mark that people will give him clothes, and Mark says it's not even his backpack. Mallory rolls her entire head like he's being so unreasonable and offers to buy him a new one. "We're gonna lose the whole race because of this." In his post-leg interview, Mark reiterates, "I don't have the means she has. I'm not nothing to her. How can I communicate with her?" He holds up two hands at two different levels like thought you couldn't imagine it.
Margie and Luke's cab brings them to what a subtitle tells us is Liwanhu Park. Margie reminds us that they're better at physical challenges, and soon they're in the busy area of the park where the many Featherball circles are. We get to watch this ancient game being played by some pretty ancient players, including one ringer who likes to pull his shirt over his head and then kick the ball blindly but accurately back into the circle from behind his back. From the clue, Margie reads that they have to find one of the teams that are playing with a red-and-yellow featherball, and that they can hit it with any part of their body save their arms or hands. They get right into it, joining a group near a tree, and this is clearly something that's going to take a little getting the hang of. Margie's not feeling patient right now, though; when Luke misses a kick, she tells him to pay attention. Then he kicks it right between her feet and says it right back to her. She had that coming.
Dave & Connor show up and join a circle and start their attempts. Connor interviews that soccer isn't his sport, after he played it when he was eight. Dave agrees that he never played it, and it's certainly not his, either. At least his Achilles tendon seems to be holding up.
Brendon & Rachel deliver their car to the cultural center in fourth place, and quickly decide on -- you guessed it -- Featherball. Outside, three teams' taxis are parked in a line: Jet & Cord's, Caroline & Jennifer's, and Leo & Jamal's. Only two of those teams have to disentangle a large toy car from the back of their taxis, a fact which does not go unnoticed by the Afghanimals. Nor do the country singers' repeated expressions of gratitude. Once again, Leo & Jamal figure out that another team has used an Express Pass. All three teams opt for Featherball, as you already knew. Then the Globetrotters roll up in eighth place, and as he exits his cab, Big Easy says that every time he gets out of a taxi is like emerging from a birth canal. They're doing Featherball, obviously. All the cool kids are. The uncool kids, too.
So with eight teams having finished the Roadblock, that of course leaves two of them still back there. And it's Joey & Meghan and Jessica & John. Both Meghan and John are getting pretty frustrated, until Meghan reaches into her car and it starts rolling away with her hand still in it. But it counts, so she's done. Seeing Jessica's look of despair, Joey starts trying to reassure her that there's still a lot in play. And then, instead of coming over to take off with Joey, Meghan goes over to help John finish his car. Jessica hugs Joey as though it was his idea, when clearly Joey thinks it's a terrible idea. Jessica and the Amazing Editors remind us that these two teams were allies during TAR 22, for all the good it did either of them then. When Meghan finally hands her car off to Joey and he tells her about the Express Pass (which she already knew about, because she has eyes, she says, "Must be nice to have that color hair and get everything handed to you." Which is pretty blonde-ist, if you ask me. In a post-leg interview, she fulminates, "As a girl, it's important to do stuff on your own. Playing that, like, 'I'm weak' card is just…a slap in the face for al girls. I'm just saying." Yes, and Meghan's a regular Hillary Clinton. Don't these two refer to themselves as "Team Cute?" That said, I think the headband Meghan is wearing this leg is adorable. Anyway, Jessica and John aren't far behind as Team YouTube leaves in a taxi.
Mark & Mallory are just now returning, and Mark's backpack is still sitting there on the pavement where they left it, because China. He hops out before the car is fully stopped, retrieves his backpack, then tries to help Mallory direct the driver to their stop. Only to get a literal elbow from her for his trouble. Again, Mark interviews, "My opinion mattered nothing to her." Yes, we see that.
At the Detour, here come five teams all in a clump: Team Big Brother, the country singers, the Afghanimals, the cowboys, and the Globetrotters. They're all inside by the time Team Kentucky arrives at the edge of the park, and Mark tells Mallory to slow down, because this running is what's screwing them up. Mallory snaps, "You say one more thing to me, Mark-- we went back and we got the backpack." Mark points out that this blind running is why they left the backpack in the first place. This is not something they are recovering from quickly.
Among the teams who have been doing this Detour for a bit, Margie & Luke drop their featherball wile going for the fifth kick. We know this because each team gets a little graphic in the lower left corner of the screen showing us what number they're up to. Dave & Connor get up to three, the country singers six, the Afghanimals five, Brendon & Rachel two, and Jet & Cord three. It's all pretty random at this stage, in other words, as they all try to figure out how to play.
Mallory is all but dragging Mark across some pedestrian bridge through the park, and now it's almost like he's trying to piss her off even more, deliberately moving slowly and pausing for a drink from his water bottle, telling her that she's getting upset for no reason. I'm not saying she doesn't have a reason to be upset, I'm just saying that it shouldn't just be directed at Mark. Who tweaks, "People from Kentucky don't act this way." Mallory finally gets quiet, saying she can't believe he just sold her out like that. "Things on my back don't matter," she lectures as they get running again. Not even that target he pasted on there? Finally they reach the part of the park where the Featherball is happening, and they join the rest of the struggling teams. Mallory tries to get them to focus, and Mark says he's ready. Margie & Luke are getting close, dropping the ball on the tenth kick, but they're not done quite yet.
Team YouTube and then Team JJ get their cars to the Cultural Center and both decide on Featherball. "I think a lot of people are going to do Featherball," says Jessica in the cab on their way to the Detour that literally ever other team is either already at or en route to. Even Flight Time and Big Easy are having trouble kicking around this particular ball, while the two parent-child teams are slowly closing in on the ten-count they need to finish. In fact, it's Dave & Connor who are the first to get to ten, as Margie stops everything to tell Luke to quit yelling at her. I hadn't noticed him doing that. Dave & Connor open the clue sending them to the Pit Stop, which is the Shamian Island Promenade. Looks like another gigantic Chinese park to me. "This city escape was once owned by the French and British during the colonial European era," Phil shares. "The last team to check in here," he says from behind a bronze sculpture of a family that separates him from the map, "may be eliminated." Even if they're not, I'll be satisfied if they just rack themselves on one of those statues.
Both Margie & Luke and Caroline & Jennifer are approaching ten on their latest volley, but it is in fact the country singers who finish this task in second place, just seconds ahead of Team ASL. That Express Pass really did make a difference, didn't it? Soon all three of these teams are out of the park and in search of taxis.
The teams left behind are not doing quite as well, but they're getting better. Cord does a sliding gainer across the stones to make a spectacular save on the ninth tap, and when it sails back to the circle, another teammate passes it to Cord, who scores the tenth and final hit. Only hits by the actual racers count towards the score, it turns out. The cowboys are in fourth, just ahead of Brendon & Rachel, who have just finished. And then the Globetrotters finish in sixth, and celebrate appropriately. As opposed to the Afghanimals, who as usual celebrate inappropriately by each picking up a teammate and spinning her around. In short, seven teams have just finished the Detour, and we see all of them looking sweaty in their taxis to the Pit Stop. But there's one team that's still doing it: Mark & Mallory, and it's not going well for them. Then Joey & Meghan show up, and Mallory starts getting distracted and panicked by them as they begin the Detour. Yikes, without her dad along to ground her, she's a total flake. Jessica & John are the last team to show up, and John is back on his "let's have fun" attitude that served him so well last time around. But whereas a minute ago this Detour only had one freaked-out team that was sucking wind and seeing their frustration rising faster than their scores, now there are three.
They're all still at it after the final ad break, and Jessica is figuring out a kind of strategy, which to let John field more of them. He does a little trick where he lets it slide down his front and then kicks it with his foot when it falls, which would have been impressive had it worked. Meghan, meanwhile, falls on her ass. Mallory asks Mark what they should do, as if they have a choice. Mark says as much, and Mallory suggests switching Detours, which is a terrible idea, and Mark tells her so. Her current plan of standing there with her mouth open is one I hadn't considered, though.
At the Pit Stop on Shamian Island, Dave & Connor are the first to arrive in their taxi, meaning they might actually get to win a leg without one of them on crutches for the first time ever. Except this is a large park, like all of them seem to be, and a shot of a signpost bristling with arrows pointing to different sections indicates that this search for Phil could take a while. The country singers pay their taxi driver, and as Team Big Brother arrives elsewhere, Rachel claims she can see a sign pointing to the Promenade. "You can read Chinese?" Brendon asks doubtfully. "No," says Rachel, "but it's going to be in pictures." Wow, reading Chinese is easier than I thought. The cowboys, the Globetrotters, and the Afghanimals arrive, as Rachel points out an illustrated map to Brendon in a way that suggests she might actually know what she's on about. Now Margie & Luke are here too, joining Team Big Brother in a footrace for the mat that's so close that both teams' cameramen have almost the same angle. Rachel calls to Brendon that it's okay and they're not running for last. "I know, but what if it's first?" he shoots back. They just barely edge out Margie & Luke to the mat, where a greeter who's dressed a lot like last week's greeter, in medieval Chinese armor, welcomes both teams to Guangzhou, China. Phil uses speech and ASL simultaneously to tell Brendon and Rachel that they're team number one, and Rachel lets out a scream that could be heard in Taiwan. "That's the first time we've ever one a leg ever!" she pageant-sobs. Margie & Luke are almost as excited to be team number two, but obviously much quieter about it. Then Jennifer and Caroline come running up, and they're team number three. Phil asks them about the Express Pass, and Caroline says they needed it bad. "Assembling a car is a guy thing." I used to like Caroline a lot. After the leg, she gives Jennifer credit for being a strategic player, the way she worked Cord for the Express Pass. Yeah, that's one way to put it.
The three lead teams are still hugging when Dave & Connor come jogging up. "Are you kidding me?" Phil says. They're joined almost immediately by the Globetrotters, and Phil tells Dave & Connor that they're team number five. The Amazing Editors have a little fun with Phil, popping a "5th Place" up on the screen and then X-ing it out, because of course Dave & Connor are in 4th place, as all the teams loudly tell him. "I'm getting confused, I'm getting confused," Phil says good-naturedly as the Amazing Editors fix Dave & Connor's ranking on the screen. Counting carefully now, Phil says that Flight Time & Big Easy are team number five. Then Jet & Cord come running up as team number six, and Phil makes a production of counting everyone this time to make sure he gets it right for them. "I'm not sure we've ever had so many teams on the mat at one time," he says. And then Leo & Jamal come in as team number seven. I know teams sometimes stay on the mat for a lot longer than it looks, but these arrivals really must have been quite close together, because it's not until now that Phil announces Brendon & Rachel's prize for winning the leg: $2,500 each. The end.
This of course means that there are still three teams back at the Detour. Mark & Mallory seem to be getting closer than the teams who arrived after them, but they lose it on the tenth try. Team JJ and Team YouTube each fail another time or two, but then Meghan's last kick out of the circle is their tenth one, so she and Joey are done, in eighth place. Jessica & John finish almost immediately afterward. And Mark & Mallory are left standing and staring, looking completely defeated, now officially in last place. So, you know, to be fair, it wasn't only the backpack debacle that dropped them to the back of the pack. In the cab, Joey guesses that it will be hard to find Phil, and soon their cab is dropping them off. But so is Jessica & John's, and they start running for it. Team JJ just barely beats Team YouTube to the mat as team number eight, and Joey & Meghan are team number nine. "You are still racing," Phil says to the latter team, which never unqualified good news. Meghan interviews that this leg was an interesting lesson, and that they'll help each other when it's to their advantage, "but probably not like today again." Indeed, the scene on the mat right now is pretty damn awkward.
Back at the Detour, Mark & Mallory finally finish, and head for their taxi, each carrying their own backpack. They run to the mat, and in a rather odd tableau, all the other teams are standing behind Phil and the greeter, as though they've come for a stoning. Phil glances back and tells Team Kentucky in its very last minute of existence, "As you can see, you are the last team to arrive. I'm very sorry to tell you that you have been eliminated from the race." Mallory breaks down crying while Mark, with dignity, thanks Phil for the opportunity. "Bopper will understand," he says. "I ain't gonna have no hard feelings about nothing, I did all I can do." Rachel's crying again, because camera hog, and Mark interviews, "I guess it wasn't meant for me to travel around the world without Bopper." No, probably not. Phil gives Mallory props for stepping in, though he forgets to add "it" at the end of that sentence. Mallory has pulled herself together enough to thank him for letting her try to fill Bopper's shoes. "I'm sorry that I couldn't." Mark magnanimously says that she did a great job and it was all they could do.
In the one post-leg interview clip we've seen of the two of them together, Mallory says she did everything she could to help Mark win the race. Wait, so she was going to give her half to Bopper? No, I didn't think so. Mark adds, "There's no use laying blame on nobody. Everything happens for a reason. It wasn't meant for us to win this race." At his side, Mallory's looking like she wants to shank him. Not really surprising, since these conciliatory platitudes they're speaking while in each other's presence are quite different from what we saw them say in their solo interviews, which of course were also shot after the leg. Mark tells Phil that God has a plan for all of us, and he's got another plan for Mark. "It wasn't to win a million dollars. I wish my buddy would have been here, though." Instead of this dick, he doesn't say. The other teams all applaud the former Team Kentucky's walk of shame away from the mat. That was an interesting experiment, to see what happens when you put together a team out of two LVPs, but now those two are going to have a very long flight home.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at M.Giant[at]gmail.com.