Finished

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The final four teams run the penultimate leg in Tokyo, where things get surreal. Because Tokyo. Tim & Marie, Jason & Amy, and Travis & Nicole pledge early on to stick together throughout the leg in order to keep Leo & Jamal out of the final four. But the Afghanimals are not only not on board with that plan, they mess it up pretty badly by getting on an earlier flight than the other teams. This causes that alliance to fall apart almost immediately, even as the other three teams hilariously end up in three cabs that refuse to separate at first. They wanted an alliance, they got an alliance.

The first stop is a temple overrun with ceramic cats, where a Detour offers the choice between becoming a human bowling ball and listening to an underwater phone call. Leo & Jamal opt for the former, and find themselves visiting the race's recurring Japanese game show host, pushing each other on inner tubes down a bumpy ramp to try to knock down giant bowling pins. It takes a few tries, but they hold onto their lead even after taking the time to fold up their clothes in order to make any teams behind them think they're lost.

Meanwhile, Tim & Marie have predictably split off from the ER docs and the dating couple, both of whom quickly complete a Detour in which they have to use phone booths that were converted to fish tanks for their original purpose. By the time Tim & Marie finish the Detour, they have no idea they're in last place. Now all the teams proceed to a park where Leo & Jamal's bizarre Speed Bump requires them to help capture a fake rhinoceros in an emergency zoo drill. Nicole & Amy start working together on a Road Block, in which each of them has to construct a giant, saxophone-playing "robot" (actually more like a semi-abstract sculpture) out of colorful cardboard tubes. This partnership works well at first, but the pressure on both of them mounts when Leo starts on his robot -- and when Marie, despite showing up last, proves to be a ringer at this kind of thing. In fact, she's the first one to finish, much to the frustration of the other teams. From there, she and Tim have to hunt down a wandering vending machine (not a typo) at the city's iconic Shibuya Scramble pedestrian crossing to get their clue to the Pit Stop. At which they are team number one, so each of them will get to enjoy one of the two trips they won…separately.

As for the other teams, both Leo and the Amy/Nicole alliance struggle with the task, repeatedly missing details they got wrong. Amy finally figures it out, but stays behind to help Nicole with hers -- again -- while Leo continues to flail. Jason & Amy finish second, and Travis's frustration with Nicole threatens to boil over, but the ER docs beat the Afghanimals to the Pit Stop and clinch the last spot in the final three. And the Afghanimals have the nerve to be disappointed and not just fall-down grateful at lasting longer than they ever should have.

The final leg starts in earnest the minute the teams land in Juneau and engage in a desperate scramble for scarce cabs. Then it's a damp motorboat race across the harbor to Grizzly Bar (a landform, not a tavern), where they have to simulate a supply drop by releasing a back of flour from a small plane onto a target. Amy, Marie, and Nicole take this for their teams and get it in two, twelve, and -- wait for it -- twenty-one attempts, respectively. Don't worry, Travis is as cool about it as you would expect.

From there, they take a helicopter rode to Norris Glacier, venture across a crevasse, climb the ice face, spelunk a frozen tunnel, and use an ice axe to dig out their clue. The tricky part is that many of the yellow envelopes hidden in the glacier are duds, and the exes and even the ER docs are closing in behind Jason & Amy. But the dating couple manages to hold onto their lead as they kayak to a marked island.

And then Nicole drops one of the ice axes she needs to climb with, and makes the climb with just one axe and her crampons. Travis is as impressed with her perseverance as you would expect. Meanwhile, the lead teams take another helicopter back to Juneau and the Blueberry Hills trailhead, where they're faced with a memory puzzle in the form of totem poles that they have to assemble to spell out the currencies for each country they've been to, in chronological order. Jason & Amy are not prepared for this challenge, and the exes quickly gain ground. But not enough, and Jason & Amy leave the Road Block first, with Tim & Marie breathing down their neck all the way to the Finish Line. But this leg becomes Jason & Amy's second win, after six second-place finishes over the course of the race. Tim & Marie come in second, so at least he doesn't have to split the million 60/40 with her the way she forced him to agree to before the race. And Travis finally berates Nicole across the finish line and turns the giant mat into couples therapy. Yay? And we get official confirmation that the show will return in February with another all-star season. As always, the definition of "all-star" is up for debate, but I have a sinking feeling it's going to include Brendon & Rachel. Again.

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After the end-of-season super-previouslies, in which Phil's got everyone's number, he rattles off another one: "Indonesia has more than 17,000 islands, all part of the volcanic Ring of Fire." After we get a look at a few of those 17,000, we're back at last week's Pit Stop as Phil goes on, "And cascading almost 300 feet, the Cimahi waterfall will now serve as the start of the eleventh leg in a race around the world." Jason & Amy, who won their first leg ever just last week, are starting this one at 1:25 AM, and are pretty happy to be kicking things off in first place for once. Their first clue tells them to fly to Tokyo, which Phil helpfully informs us is a "modern metropolis." After landing, they'll have to find their way to Gotokuji Temple, "filled with hundreds of ceramic cat statues, a popular Japanese lucky charm that invites happiness." I say that many nearly identical grinning, waving cats invites nothing but creepiness. But that's where they'll find their clue.

Before heading out, they find a hotel lobby with an internet terminal to do some research, and Jason interviews that their strategy is to continue to work with Nicole & Travis. "All we need is one first place and that's the last one." At the computer, Amy tells us that they've found two possible flights. One lands at 6:10 and the other at 6:20 "tomorrow morning" -- which is to say, more than 24 hours from now -- and they have connections through either Hong Kong or Bangkok, but she's not saying which is which. Her main concern, as they get in a taxi to a travel agency, is staying with the group. Bold approach, that.

Tim & Marie open their first clue an hour later, at 2:25 AM. "What's with the cats?" Marie asks after reading the clue, even before seeing the overwhelming crowd of them that lies terrifyingly in wait, like we already have. Before leaving the mat, Tim says the million dollars is theirs for the taking, and he's convinced that they're the strongest team. "We're not just an athletic team, we're smart," Tim says, though Marie appears to be the dysfunctional brains of the operation. They get in a cab to the travel agency rather than spending time on research.

Nicole & Travis are leaving at 2:26 AM, since they arrived at the mat at almost the same time as the exes. Travis is still clean-shaven as he interviews about how close they are to getting into the final group. He also adds that he grew up competing, and he's very tenacious and doesn't like to lose. Nicole says things come easy to him, and he gets frustrated when she doesn't have the same experience. "But we've been together for thirteen years and that's who he is." In other words, it looks like she's going to keep taking it.

Jason & Amy have reached the travel agency, and Amy says that they'll all be on the flight arriving at 6:20, what with the 6:10 flight being full. "But somehow, some way, I'm sure that the Afghanimals are going to figure out a way to take that flight." I don't know what that way could be, but don't worry; we never will find out.

Those oh-so-formidable Afghanimals are leaving in last place at 3:19 AM, almost an hour behind the team ahead of them. Leo overlaughs at the clue's mention of cats, like he's starting to seriously lose his mind. Jamal admits that yes, they have a Speed Bump this leg, but they've already beaten two U-Turns and are ready for the other teams to gang up on them.

And that's exactly what's happening. While the other three teams are at the travel agency together, getting themselves all booked on that flight scheduled to land in Tokyo at 6:20 AM, they start discussing how they're going to get rid of the Afghanimals. Nicole proposes that they all stick together to make sure they're all in the final three, and work as a team of six. That seems both ill-advised and impractical. Travis predicts that Leo & Jamal will gamble on a flight, which may result in them screwing themselves. Unless the gamble pays off, that is. Nicole & Travis are the last of this "team of six" to stick around and get their tickets, just in time for the Afghanimals to show up and tell another agent, "We want whatever they got." It's pretty chilly between the two teams as the ER docs leave, and continue to be holier-than-thou in the cab about Leo & Jamal's habitual lying in the race and how they choose not to be those people. Except when they, you know, do. Leo & Jamal book themselves passage through Singapore and Bangkok on the same flights as the others, but as they leave they plan to do additional research. Which tells us that nobody else planned to do any at all.

The sun comes up over Indonesia as the teams arrive at the Bandung airport, a crowded, chaotic locale that looks more like a bus station with wings. As they cross the tarmac to board a plane via stairs the old-fashioned way, Jason remarks to Tim that he doesn't want to fly again for another three years. I imagine the novelty would be wearing off around now. Meanwhile, in the terminal, Leo has managed to borrow some dude's laptop as Jamal says they're getting there at 6:10 though Hong Kong, unlike the other teams. "Goodbye, Indonesia!" Leo calls as he and Jamal are the last to board the flight out of Bandung that everyone else is on. Again, we are given no explanation as to how he accomplished getting on the earlier flight. That must be some laptop.

While all the teams are transferring at the Singapore International Airport, the Afghanimals dash ahead to change their tickets to the flight through Hong Kong, which will theoretically land them in Tokyo ten to fifteen minutes ahead. They gloat all the way to their plane as the other three teams try to reassure each other that they'll all be on the same flight. In fact, even as they're sitting on the plane, Amy is trying to convince the others that the Afghanimals are hanging back to stress them out and will be boarding any minute. Obviously it doesn't happen that way, because the Afghanimals are already in the air.

So an Amazing Purple Line (via Bangkok) and an Amazing Teal Line (via Hong Kong) underscore Phil's announcement that "all teams are now on their way to Tokyo, Japan." After some b-roll of the Japanese capital that's like watching Lost in Translation in super-fast-forward while on mushrooms, the first flight lands at 6:12 AM. That's the one with the Afghanimals, and soon Leo is meowing to indicate the cat temple and saying "hayaku" ("fast," although "hayakitte-kudasai" would be more polite) to a cabdriver outside the terminal. Soon they're on the road, and Jamal says that as the first team to arrive, they're almost guaranteed a first-place finish. After all, what could possibly happen between now and the Pit Stop, three to four tasks in their future?

Especially when the second plane, the one carrying everyone else, lands at 6:17 AM, a full five minutes later. Which means Jamal's latest guarantee is worth about as much as all of his other ones. "Welcome to Japan!" Amy sings loopily as she hops down a staircase, like she slept on the plane and didn't wake up until she was exiting the jetway. The three teams hurry out of the building to find only two waiting cabs, which seems like a serious crimp in their plan to stick together. Also, the germ-masked driver that Jason & Amy approach doesn't know how to find the temple without a street number, which they never bothered to find out, so they seem out of luck. Nicole & Travis claim the other cab, whose driver, like them, also doesn't know where the temple is. Marie starts yelling around for a taxi for her and Tim, but at least she knows the address. So two teams have transport but don't know where they're going, and the third team knows but has no way to get there. Turns out a team of six is an awkward and unwieldy entity when it comes to the actual racing. Marie is mercenary as always, saying she'll share what she knows if one of the other teams gets her a cab. But Travis basically says screw it and decides to take his chances on the road and leave them there, which is even shittier. So much for the plan. But then nobody's taxis will even leave until a third taxi shows up for Tim & Marie anyway, which makes it sound like the entire Japanese car-for-hire industry is more committed to the plan than its actual participants. "It's gonna be a long day," Jason says. Tim & Marie are eventually provided a cab, but I suspect what's really making her happy right now is her remark about the other teams: "They're so mad." Indeed. There's nothing worse than trying to storm off in a huff and ending up trapped, unless it's trying to storm off in a huff and getting trapped while in a race for a million dollars.

After the ads, Amy and Travis are both frustrated about this development, while Tim's just happy to be in Tokyo and Marie smirks about how the plan fell apart. But she's still aware of the Afghanimals being ten minutes ahead of them. Theoretically. It was less than that, but now it's probably more than that due to the three-teams-two-taxis clusterfuck at the airport.

In fact, the Afghanimals have arrived at the temple, but their driver overshoots the entrance. "Over there," Jamal tells him in some weird accent for some reason. They jump out and run for it, hoping to still be in first place. Quickly exploring the pathways of the open-air temple, they quickly find the aisle that's swarmed with white cat statues leading to the clue box. Jamal has the nerve to ask the good luck charms for good luck on the race, as if they haven't already had more than their share to have gotten this far in the first place. The clue is for a Detour, with the choices being "Knock it Down" or "Call it Up." Cut to Phil at a busy Tokyo intersection as he says it's a choice between becoming a human bowling ball or making a phone call from inside a giant goldfish tank. Well, those both seem perfectly legitimate. Leo decides on "Knock it Down," because he remembers the wacky Japanese game shows from season 20 (and 15, let's not forget), because why shouldn't the race go back to that well again? Running back to their taxi outside the temple, Jamal tells Leo that if they see another team they'll claim to still be looking for it, because it's always wise to plan ahead so you don't miss an opportunity to lie. They're feeling good about being in first place, and Leo says, "So now we're on our way to Tokyo Media City to act the fool." Can't they do that anywhere?

Meanwhile, Travis is musing to Nicole that not knowing where the Afghanimals are affects their early plan to all work together. You think? The three teams reach the temple together and tell their drivers to wait. Searching in a clump, Tim's the one who spots the cats, but their official ranking at the clue box ends up being Jason & Amy, then Nicole & Travis, then Tim & Marie. Jason & Amy and Tim & Marie want to do Knock it Down, but Travis decides to do Call it Up. While the Afghanimals continue congratulating themselves on the ten-minute gamble that got them five minutes ahead of the pack, the aforementioned pack is again trying to figure out if their cabbies know where to go, which so far they don't appear to. "They don't seem to know where anything is if it's not written in symbols," Tim says, apparently unfamiliar with the concept of Japanese. Nicole & Travis want to go to Kinuta Park, presumably because it's the locale for the Call it Up Detour, while the other teams want to go to Media City. But Marie tells us that the three cab drivers still don't want to separate from one another, which seems highly bizarre. "They want to continue following each other and obviously that's not gonna work for us," Amy says once they're all finally underway. And Tim says they'll have to separate after the Detour. So they've gone from planning to stick together, to wanting to stop sticking together and not being able to.

The Afghanimals are delivered to Tokyo Media City, which unlike L.A.'s Studio City appears to be a single building by that name rather than a neighborhood. On their way in, the Afghanimals each pick up a pair of giant bowling pins that are almost as tall as they are and soon find themselves in the expected raucous, brightly-lit studio, complete with the same powder-blue-tuxedoed game show host who shouted at the teams in seasons 15 and 20. "Welcome! Are you ready to play Human Bowling!" he bellows, like that show actually exists. He yells at the Afghanimals to put on their "game suit protection," which includes black coveralls, pink kimonos over them, and helmets decorated like birthday cakes. The host keeps up a running commentary about their transformation as the sparse audience of people with nothing better to do today claps and cheers. Once they're dressed, he has them add their pins to the lineup at the bottom of the ramp and shouts, "This is the Human Bowling Ball gaaaaame!" Now here's actual game show host Phil, telling us that this Detour "requires teams to compete in a Japanese game show called --" until the other host jumps in front of him to yell, "Human Bowling Ball!" According to Phil's explanation, "both team members must become the ball and try to knock down all the pins." That makes it sound like they'll have to roll up and somersault or something, but a human bowling ball in this context is actually just a person on an inner tube being slid down the ramp toward the pins. "Once they've scored a strike," Phil says, as the host hollers strike, "the game show host will hand them their clue." With typical restraint and decorum, no doubt.

Cut to the Afghanimals trying to climb the ramp, as the host tells them to hurry up. "You must help him!" the host yells up at Jamal, who made it to the top first. "How come you no help him?" Leo crosses over to where one of the uneven moguls on the slope is closer to the top and scrambles up from there. "That is not easy," he claims. Jamal is the first to be the bowling ball, and Leo pushes him down the slide on the tube. Again, the slide is bumpy and uneven, so right now it looks like accomplishing a strike, if and when it happens, is going to be almost totally random. Needless to say it doesn't happen on their first try. The host yells at him to go up and try again, all Jamal's way up the ramp. Unnecessary old-school Batman-style graphics accompany their clumsy ascent, and Leo fails to pick up the spare, even with his arms and legs stretched out as far they'll go. Which they are, because it's not like there's any way to preserve one's dignity in this task anyway.

A bowling-wipe serves as the transition to Nicole & Travis's arrival at Kinuta Park for the goldfish tank challenge. Behind them, Amy asks their driver if he knows the name of the park, because apparently he's just following the other cab instead of taking Jason & Amy where they actually wanted to go. The two blue teams eventually exit their cab and go looking for the Detour, while Tim & Amy in the cab behind them wonder what they're up to. Jason interviews that it just made sense to go with the Detour they were already at, rather than risk getting lost finding the other one. Which is even more likely with these drivers. Meanwhile, Tim tells Marie to hang out and wait for the other teams to come back, which seems a flawed strategy. The blue teams walk slowly to make Tim & Marie think they're lost, so Marie goes looking for directions from a local while they're waiting. And Jason interviews that according to the clue, only two teams could attempt the Detour at the same time, so even if they hadn't abandoned the "team of six" plan the minute it hit a wrinkle it wouldn't hold up now. So Marie finds out from a local person how to find the media place, and they have their driver take just them, though Tim says he doesn't know where the other teams are going. "They don't know where they're going either," Marie says. "Apparently we might, so let's just do this." Tim says it's a big risk, with which Marie agrees. And with the exes now out of sight, the other teams break into a run, while Tim is still slowly trying to figure out why two other teams just ran into the middle of a park. They might actually be onto something, Tim.

The blue teams find a couple of phone booths that have been converted into fish tanks, with goldfish swimming around the phones that are still inside. "It was filled with wattah!" Jason interviews, his accent emphasized by his amazement. "And all these goldfish! How we gonna make a phone call underwattah? It doesn't make any sense!" Fortunately, Phil's here to explain that the teams will have to "become immersed in a popular art installation that makes use of Japan's obsolete phone booths." One racer from each team will have to climb into a tank, dial a number on the phone, then run across the park to tell their partner what they heard over the receiver. A production assistant in swim trunks runs up to Phil and says, "Welcome to Tokyo, wasabi taberu [eat wasabi]" to a judge, who sticks a clue into the camera. As with the other Detour, ridiculous costumes are provided, including Speedos and goggles and some other costume piece whose nature isn't apparent at first glance, and we only get one glance for now.

Over at the human bowling alley, Leo and Jamal's continued failures are forcing them to adopt desperate measures like trying to figure out a strategy. Back at the top of the ramp after another attempt by both of them, they decide to abandon their method of going down the side -- too bumpy -- and try going straight down the middle instead. And this time, Jamal knocks down all the pins. The host runs over, almost as excited as Jamal is, and gets one of Jamal's trademark pickup hugs, yelling, "Okay, okay, okay!" He gives them their clue, which tells them to get to Shinjuku Chuo Koen, specifically a fountain there. "Sayonara!" the host yells. As they change, Leo suggests they fold their clothes up neatly so the other teams think they haven't gotten there yet. So their dishonesty is now extending to non-verbal lies -- and time-consuming ones, at that. But the theory is that they want the other teams to think they missed their flight and thus not race as hard. Which will work, as long as another team comes here and doesn't count the clues remaining in the clue box.

Amy emerges from a tiny changing tent wearing an even tinier orange bikini, as well as the other item that turns out to be a hood that makes her head look like Nemo. So thanks for not offering a Detour option that doesn't make someone look ridiculous, Japan. Travis is similarly dressed, aside from how his teeny bikini doesn't have a top. Amy eases into the tank (apparently nobody thought to heat the water in the public goldfish tanks), and forgets a key step, which is taking enough of a breath to stay submerged for the whole call. She comes back up for air while Travis watches. But soon they're both in their booths, and Amy's the first to hear what sounds like the game show host shouting, "Welcome to Tokyo! Wasabi taberu!" The subtitles translate that as "let's eat" rather than simply "eat," like I said earlier. Which I think is correct because my college Japanese is rustier than WALL-E, but I do recall that it's an exceedingly polite language, to the point where imperatives are rare and everyone says "let's" instead. Marie would hate it, in other words. Amy slips while climbing down from the top of the tank and tumbles to the ground, complete with a cymbal crash provided by the Amazing Editors. She recovers and runs over to Jason with the message, which she writes down for him. Travis hears the message, and happily says he won't forget the words. What, all five of them? Jason runs over and recites them to the judge across the park and gets the clue, while Nicole follows at a slow trot that Travis probably doesn't appreciate. thing we know, Amy and Travis are both dressed again, and they're off to the fountain in second and third place, respectively. And Amy tells Jason in the cab that she's sure the bowling will take longer. She's not wrong.

However, Marie is still convinced that the other teams weren't at the park they were looking for, and is glad to have arrived at Media City. Of course they don't know that they're the only team to have not finished the Detour, let alone the only team to have not yet started it. Once inside, Marie sees Jamal & Leo's costumes folded up there -- not very well, it should be said, proving that neither of them works at The Gap -- and is totally fooled. "Kinda paid off not following those dummies, huh," she says in a clip that could be used to illustrate the phrase "dramatic irony," and interviews that they assumed Leo & Jamal "had some type of horrible travel disaster." Actually I think Chester & Ephraim have that covered for the three or four seasons. The host asks them if they're "Boyfriendo-girlfriendo." "No, we used to be," Marie says rather too quickly. The host: "Uh-oh, boooo!" The audience joins him in pointing their thumbs at the floor as Marie explains that they broke up. The host claims not to know what that means, so Tim slowly explains, "She? Broke my heart." The host thinks that makes it an American love story. "It's American Horror Story," Marie corrects. Good one. And accurate, except that Marie's far too horrible to be believable as part of the AHS ensemble. Eventually she and Tim are in their white kimonos and when Tim pushes her down the center of the slide, she goes flying and bounces up on her feet and runs a couple of steps before dropping back down into the tube. That's an automatic DQ for that try, and Marie yells up at Tim, "Why would you throw me in the air like that?" I'm sure the host and the audience are getting the picture now. But Tim & Marie can laugh about it in the post-leg interview, as she says, "he was actually trying to injure me," "It's my only chance," Tim agrees. The host says she almost flew like a bird, and Tim gives her another shove that ends in a near-gutterball that knocks down just one pin? "Only one?" The host yells at her, picking it up and hurling it at her. Seeing a giant bowling pin getting thrown at Marie has me thinking the same thing the host just said.

After the suspenseful ad break, Marie climbs the ramp as the host suggests more speed. That's how I usually adjust my strategy when I'm regular-bowling and we're on the third or fourth game and the beer has turned my aim to shit. Might as well make chaos theory your ally, is my thinking. Marie suggests bouncing Tim off the wall on the way down, and then he can "flail and spin" at the bottom. And that seems to do it. As the tinsel-cannons go off, Tim celebrates Jamal-like with the host as Marie runs down to join them, and they have their clue to the fountain in last place. Not that they know that. "No sign of the Afghanimals," Marie says. "They either did the phone thing or they got really screwed up at the airport." Marie is discounting the third, and correct, theory, which is that the Afghanimals don't even have to be present to lie to you now.

The Afghanimals are the first team to reach the park, where something weird is going on: guys in white uniforms and hardhats and bright-green vests are lurking around the park carrying large nets. This either has something to do with Leo & Jamal's Speed Bump, or they're going to take Leo & Jamal to an asylum because word has even reached Japan that they're soooo crazy! In fact, it's the former. Phil explains that after the Afghanimals arrived last in the leg, they have to complete this extra task. And the guy levels a plastic gun at the camera and pulls the trigger. After the screen clears up, more of the guys with nets run up to surround a couple of guys lurching around in a plastic two-man rhinoceros costume. Why? Because Leo & Jamal's Speed Bump means they have to "become an apprentice zookeeper and capture an escaped rhino from a local zoo." Phil shakes his head and adds, "believe it or not, this is a real drill." Oi, Phil, they're standing right behind you. The zookeepers rush the rhi-not-ceros as Phil concludes, "Once the animal has been contained, they can continue racing and try to catch up with the other teams." A very serious-looking fellow hands Leo & Jamal their hardhats and vests, as Jamal says this is what they're made for. What an oddly specific individual purpose. Leo again overlaughs as the admittedly ridiculous-looking rhino lumbers into view, the zookeeper shouts a command in Japanese, and the squad of net-bearers comes rushing down the park stairs, with Leo & Jamal at their head. Rather overzealously, they immediately throw the net over the rhino and start tying it up, until someone tells them they're doing it wrong. They're supposed to be imitating the zookeepers, who seem to be engaging in a complex game of feints and dodges. I can't help wondering if that technique works as well on a real rhino that has unobstructed vision, enjoys independent control over all four of its legs, and doesn't care about goring its coworkers.

The blue alliance of Nicole & Travis and Jason & Amy are arriving at a different area of the park. Nicole thinks they're about to do something fun, based on the colorful collection of cardboard tubes laid out on the pavement. She is about to learn differently. Nicole & Travis run to the clue box, and become the first team to spot the Afghanimals since arriving in Japan. Jamal just tells Leo to focus as Travis interviews, "Now we know they made the plane." But thanks to the Speed Bump, the ER docs are in first place as they open the clue, with Jason & Amy right behind them. The clue invites, "Pipe up or go home." That's the worst Detour choice ever.

No, it's actually a Road Block. Travis says Nicole has to do this, and suddenly we're in a manufacturing plant as robot arms weld joints in time-lapse. "One third of the world's robots are made and used in Japan," Phil says. I don't know what that has to do with the time-lapse footage of an eight-foot-tall, semi-abstract sculpture of a saxophone player being constructed out of the colorful tubes, but I guess it's supposed to be a robot somehow. And the Road Blockers will each get to build one of their own. An engineer in glasses and a kimono, currently standing to a three-inch model of what they're supposed to build that stands on a tall pedestal, will hand them their clue when it's correctly completed. Amy and Nicole head over to examine the miniature model, which is in something like 1:32 scale. From the sidelines to Jason, Travis advises them to work together, because he already knows Nicole is going to suck at this too without Amy's help. Amy agrees with this for some reason, as Jason warns them to make sure it's right while probably thinking, "Ohhh, crap." "It's like building Legos," Amy assures him. More like Tinkertoys, but still. I just hope this isn't indicative of a deprived childhood in which Amy regularly received boxes of drinking straws and was told they were Legos.

Leo & Jamal are now taking their turn at the Speed Bump, after watching the pros do their thing. They join the group trying to herd the rhino into position, and then the leader shoots it with a fake tranq gun, which is the signal for the zookeepers to close in and tie the nets in place. The nets also cover Leo & Jamal, but alas, they squirm loose. Jamal ends up jumping on the carcass to celebrate, so that must be pretty solidly constructed. Then they all pick it up to carry it to the truck, which Leo says is taking it back to Africa even though he also says the rhino was dead. "Sorry, rhino." Don't worry, Leo, it is neither dead, going to Africa, or a rhino.

Travis and Jason have been watching this from the Road Block waiting area, and Jason reports that they're done. Jamal gives this one to Leo after observing Amy and Nicole cooperating and referring to them as Dumb and Dumber. Unless he's talking about himself and Leo. Leo gets right to work as Jamal yells, "We're back in it! Pressure's on, ladies!" The ladies are working together on one robot, trying to put the pieces into place. Amy says she couldn't have done this by herself, either, as the tubes seem to fit pretty tightly and don't slide easily into place. But Leo seems to be catching up, even without assistance.

Tim & Marie are the last to arrive, and Marie has to do this one as well due to her Road Block deficit. Still in his kimono from human bowling, Tim realizes that they are in fact in last place, and Marie is at a total loss as to what she's supposed to do. The issues is that she's looking all over for a full-sized model to work from, and a completed eight-foot semi-abstract cardboard saxophone player can tend to become surprisingly conspicuous in its absence. And when she asks the other women where it is, they ignore her. "They 'didn't hear' me," she interviews ironically. Don't take it personally, Marie; it's just that they hate you.

The Amazing Cameraman gets a nice shot of the tiny model, not that that helps Marie, and Tim's getting more frustrated. "Build!" he barks, as though Marie is just going to start freestyling. Leo ends up being the one to point out the tiny model to her, and Marie interviews, "So, Nicole and Amy, you are dead to me at this point? I mean, they should have helped me at that point." By what logic, Marie? What would they get out of it, and when did you offer to help anyone without getting something out of it? Meanwhile, Jason and Travis get increasingly frustrated watching Amy and Nicole trying to build the robot torso, because Jason says the menfolk would have been done and gone by now, because dudes, and robots, and building, and grrrr. Amy and Nicole get one of their robot-torsos in position and go run off to the other one as Jamal says to the camera, "I never knew there was team Road Blocks in the race. We're down to the final four to go to the top three and Nicole and Amy are still helping out each other. Which is kind of embarrassing, to tell you the truth." And the Afghanimals know all about embarrassing.

Marie is hurrying to catch up, mainly by copying the other teams' work thus far. Tim is pleased with how well she's doing. "I got Marie, Marie is as strong as both of them are together." Does he mean Amy and Nicole, or the Afghanimals? Jason agrees that Marie "knows how to use the ground as leverage and her body as leverage to put the pieces together. She's blowing by all of us." Indeed, Marie's technique is all about using her weight to force pieces together, while Amy and Nicole are more preoccupied with keeping everything oriented as it's going to be in the final product, which makes it harder to apply force in the right direction. Jamal calls out encouragement to Leo. "You can see the excitement. I can't contain it," Leo Roms. Marie is saying that it's turning out to be more physical than she thought, which is how she likes it, because she's caught up to the other women. Jason calls out to Amy that Marie's passing them, and Nicole snaps at her, "Don't look at her! Pay attention to what we're doing! Do not look at her!" Amy is serving two masters. Marie levers her robot's completed torso into place as Tim cheers her on and says she's passed the other two women. Even Jamal says, "Anyone could finish first right now. It's anyone's game." And Jason agrees that says this is getting tense. "This gets yah haht goin'." And your New England accent out.

Coming back from the ads, the teams seem nearly neck and neck and neck and neck, battling their final pieces into place. Leo is the first to call for a check, and the judge saunters over as Leo makes a sales job out of it. After a close examination, however, the judge just shakes her head and wags her finger at him in the international language of "you loser." Glancing over, Amy can see that Leo's middle section is actually wrong. The sculpture is designed to suggest that the sax player is wearing a flashy pinstripe suit, but Leo has the suit's big, yellow buttons in the back. And while Amy can see the issue, she can also see that Leo can't. He must be a snappy dresser back home. Nicole & Amy are swapping back and forth between their robots, and when Nicole calls for a check, she doesn't get approval either and doesn't know why. Obviously the situation is the same for Amy. The Amazing Editors throw a couple of arrows up on the screen to try to show what's wrong, but it looks like the issue is with the shoulders and hands, both of which look fine to me. However, Tim and Jamal can see the actual problem from the sidelines, and so can Leo from his station. Nicole yells at Amy, "We're gonna do this together, we've been doing it together the whole time." In other words, don't abandon me now. And Travis yells impatiently, "Hey, just get it done!" Keeping it positive. A beacon for God's light. Marie is now wrestling with her robot's saxophone, which is heavy and awkward and, as far as I can tell, assembled wrong. Leo asks for another check, but he didn't fix what was wrong so he's still out of luck. Amy also asks for another check, but her issue isn't fixed either. Nicole insists they go try to get hers right, saying if they get one right they get them both right. What she doesn't say is that if Amy gets her own robot right, then she gets her own right and that's another person she's ahead of. So they go back and ask for another check and get it wrong, and Travis yells unhelpfully, "Let's go, Nicole, let's go."

Marie has more cleverly put together her robot's torso on its back and is now lifting the completed assembly into place, with Tim approves of, saying she's caught up. She checks the seams and asks for a check, and after arriving in last place, she's the first to finish the Road Block. "Alliance this," Tim says, and who could blame him?

"Tokyo is the land of vending machines," Phil says over footage of them being stocked, being serviced, being bought from, and walking around the streets. Yes, you read that right. Phil claims it "broke loose," and that "Now teams must find this roaming vending machine among the hustle and bustle of Shibuya Crossing." That's the crazy intersection that was also in TAR15, right after that season's visit to the Japanese game show. You may remember the thousands of pedestrians walking every which way, and now one of them is a drink dispenser. At least it's painted yellow and red like an Amazing Flag, so it'll be relatively easy to spot. Unlike an ordinary dark-colored vending machine walking around a city. "Thanks for not helping me, guys," Marie says to Amy and Nicole on her way out. Even Jamal says, "Wow, she came last and kicked butt!" Even me. I'm not a Marie fan, but that was straight-up awesome.

However, Travis and Jason are unimpressed with their partners. Jason says, "It is a little frustrating that she came in as a woman maybe like twenty minutes behind these two girls that have been working together from the staht." That's a valid point, aside from how I'm not sure what anyone's gender has to do with it.

Tim & Marie manage to get a cab to stop for them and take them to Shibuya Crossing. "Let's go, let's go, fast fast fast!" she yells at the driver. At least she said "let's." Behind them, Jason remarks to Travis, "Boy, did we screw up on these Road Blocks." I guess meaning that they should have let the ladieeeez take the easier ones earlier in the race so that they, the big strong men, could be doing these hard ones now. Wait, which Road Blocks were easy again? Travis agrees, "Nicole kills us. She's just, like, weak." We'll see about that when they watch this together. If you're going to complain about your spouse behind his or her back, which is already stupid, you should try to not be wearing a body mic while doing so. Nicole asks for another check, and promises Amy that they're almost done, but it's still wrong. Amy goes and takes a look and realizes that they have the crosspieces for the hips and shoulders reversed. That's going to take some fixing, because it's going to require them to detach and reattach all four limbs from the torso. "That's a bad sign when you're building when you keep taking things apart," Travis says wisely. Leo realizes they figured out the problem he spotted long ago, and when Jason sees that they're taking out the pieces that attach the torso to the legs and the arms to the torso, he can't even watch any more. But at least when Leo lifts his robot back into position, he still has the buttons in the back.

"It's so much easier when it's in the right part," Amy says, which I'm sure is small comfort. Finally Amy gets her robot together and gets the clue in second place. "Nicole, let's go!" Travis yells as Amy tells Jason she doesn't know how much she can help. I'm sure Jason's first choice would be a) none. But Amy goes over to help Nicole reconstruct her robot almost from scratch, while at the waiting area, Jason tells Travis, "This is where it gets tricky, man." Which is his polite way of saying, "Bro, Nicole is on her own in three…two…one…" Travis tells him to do what he's got to do. "Can't beg for help." No, he's leaving that to Nicole.

Jamal is getting impatient with Leo as well, as he's trying to get his right. Nicole tells Amy that if Leo gets it, Amy will have to leave, and Amy says he's not going to. Like they're standing on the deck of a sinking ship. Jason is starting to call for Amy, who says he's pissed off. "This is so frustrating," Jason says, confirming Amy's hypothesis.

Over at Shibuya Crossing, there are pedestrians crossing in every direction, one of them being a large red-and-yellow vending machine. Marie finds someone who speaks English and asks, "Is there a vending machine around here that moves? Does anybody know where the roaming vending machine is?" Well, no, it's roaming. But Tim quickly spots it, and they run up to it as it's shifting and Marie demands their clue. "Stop moving!" she snaps. For her rudeness, it makes her beg a minute before a yellow envelope drops into the vending slot. "Thank you," she tells the machine, and they read a clue telling them to race on foot to Konno Hachimangu Shrine, which Phil says is "an ancient landmark built nearly a thousand years ago. The last team to check in here will be eliminated." They cross again, Tim warning her about a truck that she already sees and is pretty pissed about his thinking she doesn't, and they are soon getting directions from a local. It must be easier to get directions to something that isn't moving.

Leo asks for another check. Still no good, because he thinks the issue is the angle of the instrument, which nobody gives a shit about. Finally he realizes the buttons are in back instead of in front. "See you," Amy tells Nicole, hugging her and kissing her and adding, "I love you." She runs to leave with Jason, who grumbles, "Wow, that .was probably one of the toughest challenges we've seen, but we lost seven to ten minutes because you helped them." Amy: "Okay." Jason finds it hard to argue with her when she isn't disagreeing. But Travis always seems to figure out a way.

Tim & Marie find their way to the shrine, where Phil is standing to what looks like an actual humanoid robot that's almost as tall as he is. "At least she's not gonna try to trade me in for that," Tim says. "Uh, that would be the greatest partner in the world," Marie disagrees. The robot beeps and bloops and uses a synthesized voice to welcome them to Tokyo, Japan. Marie tells Phil to tell them what they want to hear, and Phil asks what that is, and she says "We're number one." "And that's what you've got," Phil finally says. "You are team number one! Tim & Marie are already celebrating before he's even finished speaking, and he adds, in case anyone was wondering, that they're also going to be in the final three. "I've never seen you two so happy," he says. "You're almost in love with him right now!" Let's not go overboard here, Phil. Tim corrects, "She did the Road Block so she's in love with herself," What else is new? Phil tells them that they've also won a trip for two to Aruba. "I don't know whether you want to go together…" Judging by the way they look at each other, they don't know that either. Marie says they'll randomly pick the Hawaii trip for one and the Aruba trip for the other, and then they can go separately. I would have to agree that the only thing worse than an exotic tropical vacation with Marie would be two exotic tropical vacations with Marie.

At Shibuya Crossing, Jason finds the moving vending machine almost immediately, and he and Amy start running for the Pit Stop. But not without Jason telling her "go" about fifty times in three seconds.

"Finish strong, Leo," Jamal calls out to Leo, who at least knows what he has to fix now. Travis is being rather less encouraging to Nicole. "Come on, Nicole. It's not rocket science, come on," he whines. And he adds to the camera that he's not used to this. "I usually know I can rely on me and Nicole's showing me that she's not the same as me." Not as awesome as Travis? How horrible! And he says this like it's a complete dealbreaker. He calls out to her, "If you can't get it after she tells you, I don't know what to say." If only that were true. But he does, because he yells, "You have to be confident and decisive!" Nicole gets a check and finally receives her clue, and as they run off, Travis yells at her, "You can't get things done. Argh, it's frustrating!" Must be frustrating to have your spouse constantly telling you and other people how useless you are, too.

Jamal goes up to the little model on the pedestal and says, "Damn you, robot. You're what made us fall." Get over yourself, Jamal, you guys were never that awesome to begin with. In the cab, Travis continues to berate Nicole, "It is so tough and frustrating to watch you like this. It's actually sad. You gotta learn to do stuff. Learn to build stuff." When would be a good time for her to do that? Because she's busy fighting tears at the moment, jerk. Behind them, Leo finally finishes, and he and Jamal head out from the Road Block in last place. Where's Jamal's guarantee now?

Jason & Amy run up to the mat in second place while Tim & Marie are still there. They high-five the leg's winners, so apparently all is forgiven, and Jason even tells Marie she killed it. Phil tells them they are team number two, yet again, putting them in the final three.

Nicole & Travis are at Shibuya Scramble, looking for the vending machine. And then so are the Afghanimals. Nicole is the first one to spot it across the street, and fortunately Travis isn't mad enough at her to actually let her run into traffic. Which is a relief to see. They cross when the light changes and get the clue sending them to the Pit Stop. They clear out, and then Leo spots the machine. But it's crossing the street, and Leo strolls along with it in the crosswalk, trying to get it to stop there in the middle of the road. Fortunately it doesn't, and refuses to dispense their last clue until they're safely on the sidewalk. Now both teams are looking for someone who can give them directions. The ER docs find someone who fumbles slowly over a phone that's obviously much smarter than he is, while the Afghanimals seem to be having better luck. Both teams run through the street, and then Phil tells the robot greeter, "Look who's comin'." The robot does not display a perceptible reaction.

Finally Nicole & Travis make it to the mat, Nicole nearly overcome with emotion. And none of it good. The other two teams are still there, and there are hugs all around before Nicole turns to the robot greeter and says, "I don't like you." I understand she had a frustrating experience, but that's just racist. Still, they're happy to be team number three, and Phil expansively tells all of them, "Your plan to be the final three teams…" Ooh, I can't wait to see how this sentence ends. "…crumbled to dust like a vampire the moment it was exposed to Japanese daylight!" Or, "Makes a mockery of the very concept of plans!" Or simply, "Gang aft agley!" But I'm very disappointed when that sentence ends with a simple, "has worked!" And he doesn't even add, "Despite all your best efforts to the contrary!" They're the teams who will be racing to the finish line, and the robot beeps and hugs Jason & Amy without seeming to break their ribs.

After the winners' party at the mat, the place looks pretty lonely when the Afghanimals arrive for their long-overdue Philimination. "Didn't work out the way you wanted it to work out," he comments. Leo says they're disappointed and sad, but it was one of the best experiences of his life and he wouldn't trade it for anything and he did it with his best friend and they learned a lot about themselves and each other. I think that covers all the clichés, doesn't it? "The Afghanimals had the best times," he says over their farewell montage. "Running around the world like crazy. It's amazing." "Amazing Crazy Race," Jamal agrees, as though that's a thing. And the robot waves them along on their walk of shame, feeling just as terrible about their departure as I do.

Then there's the interviews from the final three going into the last leg. Jason says the race has brought him closer to Amy. Travis says that winning will take what he's been saying to Nicole the last few legs, though I don't understand the utility of "you are terrible at everything." And Marie says, "Jay & Amy, you're gonna have to climb out of Travis & Nicole's butts." True. Then she says that she and Tim work better under pressure than the other two remaining teams, a point underlined by footage of them screaming at each other over the date task in Abu Dhabi. And then, for the usual big-talk bit that closes out this segment, they all seem to think they're going to win. Two of them must be wrong.

"More than 35 million people live in and around Japan's capital city of Tokyo," Phil narrates as the second hour commences. "And in the center of this crowded metropolis, this one-thousand-year-old shrine, Konno Hachimangu, is the start of the twelfth and final leg in a race around the world." But who's counting? He reminds us that Tim & Marie won the leg, and so they are the first to start this one, at 6:08 AM. It's full daylight as they open a clue telling them to fly to their final destination of Juneau, Alaska. I like it when the final destination is a city I've been to. This isn't one of them. Phil says that's more than a 5,700 mile flight "across the world's largest ocean [as though they're going to have to row there on a galley boat] to America's last frontier, Alaska." After they land in Juneau, the capital city, they'll have to go to Douglas Island Harbor and take a marked boat to a place called Grizzly Bar to find their clue. I'd say that Shane & Rowan would be disappointed to be missing Grizzly Bar, until they found out that it's a landform and not that kind of bar.

As the exes head out, Marie interviews that before they went on the race, Marie made Tim sign a contract splitting any of their winnings 60/40 in her favor. Oh my god, what an asshole. What a soulless, joyless, simulacrum of a human being. Tim claims not to have a problem with it because she's done a lot of work to get them there. "And the Amazing Race is something you can't put a measurement on. We've been all around the world and it's what we came here for." Well, not Marie, clearly. She's here for 600 large and nothing else. In the cab, Marie adds that they don't have a relationship like Travis & Nicole, where they're here to enjoy the race together. "We're here to win the race." The way things are going, though, Travis & Nicole may soon have a relationship like them.

Amy is quite excited to be going to Alaska as they open their clue at 6:15 AM. Jason interviews, "We're not just the best team in this season, but we're one of the best teams ever to run this race." How many legs have they won again? Actually, Jason says they've tied the record of six for second-place finishes, but Amy says they definitely want first place this leg. "If you ain't first, you're last, and we're winners," she pageant-smiles. In the cab, she says she feels good about having helped Nicole in the last couple of Road Blocks, "because they need our help to do well. So during this final leg, without our help, it's kind of like, well, how well are they gonna do?" Excellent point, actually. Even if she obviously came up with it after the fact.

Travis echoes something like this before he and Nicole leave the mat in third and last place at 6:22 AM, saying it's now everybody for themselves. Nicole agrees that the alliance with Jason & Amy is over, as they had agreed to work together until the final leg. Travis is smiling about this, for some reason, as though this doesn't spell their complete and utter doom. "Whichever team does best today, we'll be excited for," Nicole says. "We're just expecting that we're gonna be that team that everybody's gonna be celebrating as we walk across that mat first." Not if she doesn't figure out how to get out of tasks faster than she got out of that sentence.

"Yay, airport, going home, so excited" Marie chants half-heartedly as she and Tim reach Tokyo's Narita terminal. They get their tickets to Juneau, and Jason & Amy quickly take their place at the counter. "We want the same thing as them but the earlier flight," Jason says. Nicole & Travis get on the same plane, and as the final teams board the final commercial flight of the race, Tim says they're excited about the final leg and Marie says they're ready to win. That'll be disappointing to them if they don't, then.

An Amazing Blue Line makes the long hike across the Pacific to Juneau, which the b-roll shows us is nestled on the coast amid majestic pines and mountains, complete with bald eagles soaring overhead. Citywise, it doesn't look like it could be the capital of anyplace but Alaska. The Air Alaska carrying all three teams lands, and soon they're all running through the terminal. Once they get outside, there is very little traffic on the airport access road, taxi or otherwise. The teams converge on a yellow minivan, but the driver tells them, "Sorry guys, I'm already taken." After all these weeks, it's a little unusual to hear an American accent coming from a cabdriver. Even in America, now that I think about it. While the other teams scatter in search of alternate transport, Jason & Amy hang back to talk to the driver through his open window and ask him to call a cab for them. Just one, mind you. "Make sure they only pick up Amy & Jason," Jason adds.

Meanwhile, the other teams race to a slow-moving maroon minivan taxi, and Nicole's the one who gets her face into the driver's side window to ask for a ride for just her and Travis. Marie is left pathetically running along the passenger side begging, "No, take us!" until she drops her jacket and falls back retrieving it. Nicole puts some pressure on the driver, saying he's going to be their guardian angel today in "a big race for a lot of money." Assuming this is going to be an all-day cab leg, which I can tell you right now it isn't. So the ER docs are gone in first place, which should make Travis happy. Tim & Marie spot the arrival of the cab that was called for Jason & Amy, but Marie fails to poach this one, and she and Tim eventually get into a regular yellow cab. "All right, let's race, "Jason says once everyone is underway and the nonstop urgency of the final leg has been properly established as per normal.

Across the bridge and to a marina. Nicole & Travis are the first team to board one of the fleet of marked boats, each of which is a small motorboat with a much-needed rain canopy over the cabin. Amy slips on the wet dock, but she's okay and Jason is asking the drivers who's fastest as Nicole is telling their pilot to go fast. Soon all three teams are out on the water, but they don't get to sit under the canopy -- instead, they have to perch on wooden benches behind it while the spray of the canvas batters their borrowed foul-weather gear. The ER docs remain in the lead, and behind them, Marie mimes pushing an oblivious Tim over the side of their boat. Because of how he's such a pain in the ass. Jason yells at their pilot to go faster, not satisfied to be even with the exes. Travis remarks, "This boat'll give you hemorrhoids." It's pulling up to Grizzly Bar, where Travis can spot helicopters waiting. But let's not get ahead of ourselves.

They hop off the boat and onto the gray sand beach, and lead the sprint to the clue box with the other two teams right behind them. "Road Block," Nicole reads. Over footage of small aircraft, Phil informs us that "bush planes are an essential part of survival in the remote regions of Alaska. This Road Block gives teams the opportunity to simulate a supply drop," he adds from the shoreline. Over more shots of tiny planes, he continues, "Flying at 60 miles an hour and at least 150 feet above the ground, they must drop a bag of flour on this target." The target isn't much bigger than the giant Finish Line mat, but if they hit it, a pilot will give them their clue. Nicole, Amy, and Marie are taking this one. "Kick their ass," Tim tells Marie. Nicole gets to her plane first, and Tim is confident that Marie will do well, as we get an ironic shot of her struggling to get her helmet, goggles, and headset onto her noggin all at the same time. Even Travis is keeping positive. "I told Nicole it's redemption time." Well, okay then. That doesn't sound backhanded at all. All three planes fire up their engines and take off as the male partners walk to the waiting area.

As the tiny planes circle around, the pilots manually open the windows on their starboard side, which will allow their passengers in the back seats to reach out and drop their parcels. Nicole's run comes first, and she leans out holding what looks like about a three-pound parcel of flour wrapped in brown paper, with a color-coded pink band around it. She drops it as the plane comes in from over the water, and with a dive-bombing sound effect added by the Amazing Foley Guys, the flour bag explodes on the ground right to the target. Mighty close, and she's likely to do better time, right? Amy's blue-banded flour bag falls far short. Jason, by the way, has tied a black bandanna around his face to protect himself from the cold, the thick flying insects, or the perception that he is not a train robber. Marie's bag, with a green band, lands just short of the target mat and sends up a cloud of unbleached brown dust that looks like Wile E. Coyote hitting the bottom of the canyon. So they're all going to have to go around again. Nicole's second drop is declared "way too late" by Travis, and it overshoots the target by so much that even Nicole asks, "What the hell was that?" But the second bag that Amy drops explodes right on the bulls-eye, which is pretty impressive. Or else very, very lucky. She excitedly tells her pilot she got it, and Jason runs to meet her at the landing site to get their clue, now officially in first place. "Put yourselves on ice," she reads. Phil clarifies, "Teams must now helicopter to the Norris Glacier, where they'll take part in an Alaskan ice expedition." With the help of a guide, they'll travel to the glacier face, where they'll have to chip out their clue with an ice axe. This is all harder than it sounds, as we (and the racers) will soon see.

It's time for Marie's second attempt, and her parcel falls short this time. Nicole overshoots again and tells the pilot, "That was way late." On the ground, Travis waves bugs from his face as he says, "I'm not sure what's going on, because she has just struggled so mightily on her last, I think, three or four Road Blocks. But the Amazing Race is about teams. You're not going to win with just one person. It's a team, so you take the good with the bad." That's some pretty half-baked philosophy there, which may explain why Travis totally forgets it every time things go wrong.

Jason & Amy hop into one of three yellow helicopters waiting to transport the teams, and Jason excitedly tells the pilot to "put this thing in turbo, baby. Let's put this Apache on a glacier." It's not actually an Apache, but they're soon in the air.

Back at the Road Block, the scene is now being scored by Wagner's "Flight of the Valkyries," which is a frequent soundtrack for these aircraft-based tasks because it's dramatic, familiar, and royalty-free. Nicole and Marie both make failed fourth attempts and their partners get increasingly frustrated and impatient. Meanwhile, Jason & Amy get to enjoy the scenic view of the edge of the glacier where the ice and rock and million-year-old blue ice meet the Bering Sea, not to mention all manner of majestic waterfowl. Soon they're on the icy ground with Jason asking which of the four waiting guides is the quickest. They pick one, and then the thing we see is them geared up with climbing gear and looking down into a deep ice crevasse that has metal extension ladders stretched horizontally across the gap below them. This makes Amy a little nervous, so Jason is going first. Wearing a helmet and crampons, he rappels backward down to one of the ladders. Which is tricky to cross while wearing boots with spikes on the bottom, but he also has a guide rope running along at shoulder level to hold onto, as well as his guide holding the safety line from overhead. In short, he probably couldn't fall if he wanted to. He makes it across, and while the guide hooks up Amy's harness to the ropes for her descent to the ladders, he's soon scrambling up the far side using his toe-spikes and a provided ice axe in each hand. He still has time to call encouragement across to Amy as she nervously lowers herself down, but she would rather he stow it so she can concentrate. Teamwork does have its limits sometimes.

Nicole's on her twelfth attempt, and this one looks at first like it might hit, but it's too early again, as Travis is only too glad to say. This is much harder than bulls-eyeing womp rats in her T-16 back home on Tattooine. Nicole tells her pilot she doesn't know what she's doing. I'm sure he already noticed that. Obviously it's a matter of timing, and they need to realize that the packets will keep traveling forward at almost the same speed after being released even as their downward speed decreases, but Travis isn't up there with her to mansplain it to her. Tim watches Marie's approach, and says, "Early…early…now! Now!" Marie tosses the package an instant before the plane is "feet-dry," and that turns out to be the sweet spot; it lands almost dead-center in the target. Obviously Travis isn't thrilled, but neither is Marie, who says, "Worst Road Block ever" as her plane lands on the dirt airstrip. The exes are in second place, and Travis pouts alone on the ground, saying, "Oh, well. It's just for a million dollars. Sometimes not being very successful is a hard pill to swallow." And Nicole is just clutching her package, looking down from the plane. I wonder if the speed of the aircraft is affected by how much she's lightened the cargo. I mean, theoretically a lighter plane can fly slower without stalling, right? As Tim & Marie board their helicopter to the glacier, he asks her how hard it was. "Uh, I don't even want to talk about it. So frustrating," is her only answer. Tim says they'll need to catch the other team. Oh, don't worry, I'm sure the final leg wouldn't start with a task that could spread the teams so far apart from each other that the rankings would never change again.

Nicole makes her fiftteenth attempt with a package that lands nowhere near the target. "That tells me she's just flustered now," Travis informs us. But how could she be, knowing she has such a supportive partner waiting for her below? "Let's go, before I get gnats all in my mouth, he says. He could try closing it for once, but instead he yells "too late! Too late!" as yet another package of flour goes far wide. Is this really how supply drops go anyway? "I'm hungry." BOOF! "Enjoy your flour! Don't forget to vacuum it off those bushes over there!"

After the ads, Nicole's lag increases as her 18th package is dropped in a manner that Travis calls, "Too late, too late, too late, too late!" As her pilot takes her around for another attempt, Travis continues waving at the bugs, saying, "I was hoping we'd have a real shot at winning." "Target in sight," the pilot tells Nicole again, and this one lands short. "I just feel that million dollars dwindling, gone away," he says. Well, the upside is that he can blame her for any and all financial woes their family experiences for the rest of their lives.

Now on level ice at the far side of the crevasse, Jason coaches Amy across the ladders. "Now how do I get up?" she asks before spotting the ice axes hanging in the frozen scree right above her. Soon she's using them to ascend while Jason excitedly cheers her on. "Look at you! You're an ice-climbah!" Not actually a thing.

"Hi. I'm on a glacier in Alaska," Tim says faux-mildly as their helicopter sets down. Marie says they're used to playing catch-up, which is quite true. At the starting point of their ice expedition, Tim looks down at what he's going to have to negotiate and says, "I mean it's a little steep and icy and it might hurt if I fall, but I don't know, I've never done this and I'm not looking, so I'm gonna hurl myself off into this glacier hole and see what happens." Marie waves to him as he starts his descent, and her very existence gives the lie to his claim that he's never hurled himself into a glacier-hole before.

Jason & Amy's guide has led them on a hike across the top of the glacier to the mouth of a bright-blue tunnel through the glacier, which Jason is pretty excited about getting to enter. It's almost exactly the same color as the shirts they've been wearing this whole season, after all.

Nicole is getting lined up for her 21st attempt. In the post-leg interview, she says she "felt a lot of anxiety and this overwhelming sense of disappointment in myself and I knew that Travis was having that same set of emotions." Especially the disappointment part. Travis is certainly not correcting her as he sits to her. "So I took a deep breath and I just…let it go." And this is the one that nails the target dead center. "Right in the bulls-eye," Travis says, schlepping a big red duffel over to the landing site. Nicole knows they have a lot of time to make up as she lands, and Travis greets her with an oh-so-supportive, "All right, let's go." And once they're in the helicopter and Nicole is talking about the difficulties she had and how she's hoping they'll be able to catch up, Travis doesn't even want to look at her. She has let him down terribly, after all.

Tim is crossing one of the ladders on all fours, saying this is scarier than he thought. Marie's just cold waiting for him on the starting side, yelling, "Hurry this up, let's go!" as he starts ice-axing his way up the other side. He says you can't rush something like this. "You have to be safe when you're launching yourself into a glacier." Yeah, but Marie's in a hurry and that's a lot more important.

Using their crampons to walk along the sides of the tunnel bottom, Tim & Amy make their way through the tunnel, which has a narrow channel of water rushing through a deep channel in the center of the floor. Jason exults, "We're inside a glacier that's a billion years old!" The vibroslap on the soundtrack at that moment is what a [sic] sounds like. They emerge from the tunnel that's like a big, frozen birth canal.

Nicole & Travis's helicopter lands while Marie is trying to figure out how to climb up from the ladders. Eventually she gets it, without the tips Tim is hollering down at her. "I know you can't see me, I'm okay," she calls back up. Soon both of them are on the far side, but Nicole & Travis are geared up and ready to cross. There are actually three ladders, so I don't know why only one person is going at a time. Tim thinks they've still got a big lead over the ER docs, but Marie points out that they don't know how long the thing will take. Travis starts down, and Nicole is waiting for her turn and for another chance to prove to the man who promised to love, honor, and cherish her that she's not just a waste of carbon.

Jason & Amy are led on a further, fairly rugged-looking hike across the surface of the glacier until they arrive at a low vertical ice face where occasional flashes of yellow are visible behind the permafrost. There's only one ice axe to dig with, so Amy picks out the targets while Jason chips away. He soon unearths (or rather unices) a yellow card that reads on its flip side, "Try again." Amy picks another one, and another. This could take longer for them than for the teams behind them, if they get a lot of duds that the trailing teams won't then have to deal with. But will it be enough to make up for the time it takes to make ten supply drops?

Tim & Marie and their guide reach the entrance of the tunnel and are soon making their way awkwardly through. I'm really having trouble not making inappropriate comments about ice tunnels and ice holes whenever Marie is on the screen.

Travis is crossing one of the ladders while Nicole waits above. "It's gonna take some work, but you have to have faith that you're not gonna fall," he lectures her even while doing this. Yes, faith certainly seems like the key element.

Jason & Amy have uncovered numerous dud clues, while Tim & Marie are emerging from the tunnel behind them. The exes almost have them in sight by the time Jason finally reveals an actual clue that reads, "This is your mode of transportation" under a silhouette of a two-person kayak. As Phil explains, the teams will need to "hike down to the shore and paddle a tandem kayak to the marked island, where they'll find their clue." Ah, yes, we all recall the stirring excerpts from Joe Juneau's journals about his discovery of Marked Island. Jason & Amy start walking off the glacier, while Travis is busy trying to climb out of it, telling himself, "Let's get it done." After reaching the far side, he calls some grumpy motivational nuggets across to Nicole, telling her "let's go" and yelling down at her to use the rope running along the ladder about half a dozen times. But doesn't holding the rope conflict with what he said earlier about having faith? When she reaches the far side, and the ice axes stuck in the surface waiting for her, Travis tells her, "You gotta believe on these picks. They actually will hold you!" Unfortunately, that is exactly what she does, taking hold of the two axe handles just as she finds them and trying to pull herself up without swinging them any deeper into the ice. Obviously both of them come free and she stumbles back onto the ladder and ends up with most of her weight on the safety rope, which must be terrifying for her. Worse, she drops one of the axes, which falls far below and out of reach. And what does Travis have to say about his part in putting her in this position? "Aw, man." It's so tiresome how she listened to him just now.

Let's watch that embarrassing moment again after the ads, shall we? In the aftermath, Travis says, "She dropped one of the picks. Which means she's doing it with one pick. Wow." So she's using both hands to pull herself up with one axe, and she interviews that she wanted to cry, but knew she needed to stay focused. Besides, there'll be plenty of time for Travis to make her cry later. He lets out an inscrutable "wow," either because he's impressed with her determination or because he can't believe she found yet another way to be such a goddamn loser. It's hard to say which, at least until she makes it to the top and he's all, "we gotta make up some time, let's go." I think I have enough info to make a decision on the "wow" now.

Now Tim is hacking out dud clue after dud clue form the glacier face. "I mean, come on with this," Marie says impatiently. Finally he gets a valid clue, in second place. That was a lot of yellow snow they had to dig through, though.

Jason & Amy arrive at the coast, where the kayaks are waiting. "I'm in the back, you're in the front?" Jason confirms. He figures the other teams will be gaining on them, but they're soon taking their first-ever kayak trip (though they've gone canoeing before), and as they back out, Amy begs Jason not to be frantic. All he says is to paddle on the right and that he can't hear anything she's saying. Which probably isn't all that reassuring to her, but how cold can the Bering Sea be in the summer?

Travis & Nicole reach the ice tunnel, and aren't in too much of a rush for Travis to admit that it's "kind of cool." He even appreciates the exterior view once they emerge.

Tim tells Marie that she's going to be in front and he'll be in back. He tells us that he's kayaked before, but the trick will be "getting the pace between me and Marie that's gonna be the key." Or in other words, getting her to listen to him without screaming at him. And that's exactly what doesn't happen.

Jason & Amy are far out in the water, and Jason interviews that although it was pretty tiring, they didn't take any breaks, even for the one-mile paddle. They approach a tiny lump of island just feet from the main landmass with a red flag waving from it, and circle around the leeward side to beach their kayak. They find the clue box and a clue that tells them to take a helicopter back to Juneau, and get to Blueberry Hills Trailhead to find their clue. Now all they need to do is find a helicopter, which could be tricky. Fortunately there are some waiting nearby. What a lucky coincidence.

The ER docs have found the glacier wall with the clues buried inside, and Nicole points them out for Travis to excavate out. Two of them are fake so far. I don't get how there are that many left. Like, in the world.

Tim & Marie are kayaking across the water and guess what? She's yelling at him. Amazing, I know. She ends up hauling the kayak ashore with him in it so he doesn't have to wade in, and they get the clue telling them to fly back to Juneau and get to the trailhead. In the chopper, Tim says they just have to chase a team. "Either way, we have no option but to beat Jay and Amy." I think they might be able to find another option if they really need to.

Jason & Amy are still in the air, heading back to Juneau, and Jason is talking about how they need to go home with the win. There are lots of helicopter shots, including one of a docked cruise ship dwarfing the city, and then they're on the ground, out of the copter, and looking for a cab on some hillside road where they just happen to be waiting. So at least now we know the location of all the taxis that should have been at the airport earlier. Jason asks a driver, "You speak English?" "All my life," the driver answers. Jason is taking no chances.

Travis digs out some more fake clues before finally getting an actual one. How disappointing that Nicole did such a terrible job of finding them for him.

Tim & Marie land and pick a cab from the ones waiting there by the side of the road, and ask the driver to get them to Blueberry Hills trailhead. Jason & Amy have already arrived there, and as they jog around a bend in the trial, Amy says, "Holy crap, what the heck is that?" It looks like a pile of big brown plastic cylinders with white letters and colored shapes painted on them, and Jason tells her they're about to find out. The clue they open tells them, "Raise some money." Phil tells us, "Totem poles have been an important part of Native American history for centuries." The cylinders are, it turns out, segments of DIY totem poles that the teams will have to build a whole wall of, hanging them from narrow bars that are suspended by a high frame. The memory puzzle aspect of this comes in by how the totem poles, when correctly assembled, will spell out the currencies of every country the teams have visited this season, in chronological order. "Once their money is in order," he says, "they'll receive their final clue and can race to the Finish Line." Jason & Amy run over to one of the three building-racks, each of the them facing away from the others in a giant equilateral triangle. Jason knows they're starting with pesos from Chile, but they first spot a K they can use for the Norwegian kroner and start hanging that one up as well, wisely using some pieces as they find them rather than wasting time looking for particular ones. There's one challenge they're going to have to deal with, though, as Amy asks, "Babe, do you remember all the currencies?" "Ah…no, that's not good," Jason admits. Amy says she memorized and wrote down everything they encountered on the whole trip, "except for…the currency." Oops. So they're off to a slow start, clearly.

Time & Marie have arrived, and they tell their cab driver to wait as they head up the hill in second place. Marie is pretty confident, telling Tim that he's good at puzzles. As they show up, Jason warns Amy that they'll have to be quiet now so as not to give anything away to the exes. And when the latter team gets a load of the cylinders stacked tightly but randomly on a row of pallets, they realize this is going to be harder than they expected.

Nicole & Travis are out on their kayak, andguess what? Travis is yelling at her. Finally she stops, balances her paddle on the hull in front of her, and says, "Okay," just shutting down and waiting for his dickishness to blow over. Which it should be in a few weeks or so. They get their clue and run to their helicopter, still in last place and less likely every minute to ever change that.

At the final puzzle, Amy is repeating, "I took a million and three notes but I don't have all the currency names. I don't remember them. Only thing I didn't do." Jason assures us that it's harder than it looks as he slides a cylinder up onto a pole and secures it in place with a metal pin through holes drilled in the pole. Around the corner from them, Tim is taking the lead on the puzzle, and Marie is actually listening to him with a minimum of impatience. Unlike Jason & Amy, they also remember all the currencies except Abu Dhabi, which they figure they can get from process of elimination. And Jason & Amy are struggling, with pieces that fit together wrong and that keep falling down as they try to move them. Are we going to have an actual rank change this late in the game? Could it be?

After the ads, the exes seem to be operating more smoothly than Jason &Amy, who are having unsecured stacks topple over. And now Nicole & Travis are on the ground from their second helicopter ride and getting in a taxi. "We've always been out front," Travis says. "However, last four legs, we just hit Road Blocks and fell to the back," And he shoots Nicole a filthy look of accusation that she does her best to ignore, even as she must feel flames, flames on the side of her face.

Marie is taking the lead on the totem-pole puzzle, though he doesn't exactly hop to. Around the corner, Jason & Amy are working together sotto voce to complete the kroner column for Norway's currency. Which leaves them with enough letters to start guessing that Abu Dhabi's currency is something like "drohm." Amy is confident they'll figure it out, though, probably in part because the pole segments also have patches of color that need to be matched up as well. Theoretically, it might be possible for someone who's completely illiterate to work by those alone, though it would probably take a while. Too bad certain past teams aren't around to try.

The ER docs arrive at the trailhead, and now it's Travis who is exhausted. Yelling all the time takes a lot out of you, you know, so Nicole reads the clue while Travis takes a breather. Marie currently has Tim's thumb painfully trapped between two cylinder segments, which seems like a real hazard to this task. Nicole & Travis start from scratch, reminding themselves that they went from pesos in Chile to euros in Portugal. Now it's Jason getting his fingers pinched, and Tim & Marie continue struggling with this activity that must be like loading a cannon upside down. They seem to be figuring it out though. As opposed to the ER docs, who are saying confidence-inspiring things like "We gotta get a system here" and "Here's part of an E." You know, the kind of things that make you say, "Could I have a different doctor, please?"

Jason & Amy only have their Abu Dhabi and Indonesia columns left to complete, and Jason says of the latter, "We know it's definitely rubies." Well, not exactly (it's rupiahs). Tim & Marie only have a few columns left as well, but they're currently disagreeing on whether an H goes there or not. Nicole & Travis are starting to hang segments, or rather Travis is while he snaps at Nicole to put the pin in already. But it's probably too late for them, because Jason & Amy have all nine completed poles in place that read, from left to right, peso (Chile), euro (Portugal), kroner (Norway), zloty (Poland), euro again (Austria), dirham (United Arab Emirates), rupiah (Indonesia), yen (Japan), and finally dollar (U.S.). Amy quietly recites the names of the countries to herself while Jason raises his arms in triumph. Travis says accusingly, "We lost it already, Nicole. Goll-lee." Which turns out to be correct, because after the task judge carefully examines Jason & Amy's work, she hands them their final clue. "At last: The Finish Line!" it reads. "Make your way to the end of North Douglas Driveway and look for the marked drive. Go! Go! Go!" That doesn't sound like a famous landmark, but the sweeping camera work makes it look pretty scenic. They're out of there, Amy wishing the other teams good luck. Travis carps to Nicole that he's doing this task by himself, and Tim & Marie hurry to finish their last column. "We're done," Marie says with more weariness than triumph while Jason & Amy are still climbing into their minivan taxi. The exes' vehicle is seen leaving almost immediately thereafter, though it's not clear how long a hike it is from the task to the parking lot. "As fast as possible, please don't get lost," Marie says to the driver, like it's all one word, and Tim adds that they're in a race for a million. Behind them, Travis bitches to Nicole about how he's doing all the lifting. "This is what it's been like. This is crazy! Give us a chance." I didn't see the first season, but we may be looking at the return of Loud Pushy Frank (tm Miss Alli). Nicole just quietly endures takes it as he paces around and bitches, "The last four Road Blocks you've done were just like this. So what are you doing?" So has he entirely forgotten what he said earlier about teams?

Jason & Amy seem pretty happy in their cab to the finish line, while Tim repeats to his and Marie's driver that they're in a race for a million dollars. "Yes, it's an anxious time for us," he says calmly, as though speaking to a funeral director. From the back of the lead cab, Jason spots a car parked near a turnoff from the main road, and they're soon riding up a single paved lane crowded by trees on both sides. But then so are Tim & Marie, as Tim says they're going to run from there. "Please be Phil," Amy whispers, as though it's going to be anyone else. Not that it wouldn't suck to get to the Finish Line and see Jeff Probst waiting there to talk about Jason's toughness and call him by his last name.

Cut to a scenic farmyard alongside a stream, with Phil standing at the edge of the giant Finish Line mat. As always, the eight previously eliminated teams are there cheering and applauding, and, in at least one irritating case, ululating. It's pissing down rain, and it's not a big shock when the first team to come running out of the trees is...Jason & Amy. Which is, for once, both an ending I sort of predicted long ago, and an ending I can actually live with. I would have hated to see Marie's approach to the race vindicated. I feel bad for Tim, of course, but I feel bad for Tim anyway.

As Jason & Amy run up and into Phil's arms, he announces, "Four continents, nine countries, more than 35,000 miles; Jason & Amy, you have won the one million dollars and you are the official winners of The Amazing Race!" The winning couple hug and kiss each other happily as Phil adds, "After six second-place finishes, you've run in here on the final leg of The Amazing Race and you have won it!" Cut to them in an excited post-race interview clip as Amy says with barely contained excitement, "We didn't come in second place!" "We just won The Amazing Race," Jason adds as Amy laughs in triumph. Back on the giant mat, Phil comments on Amy's apparent disbelief, which she totally cops to. Jason is up for a speech, though, saying this was never about the finish line but about working together as a team and push through, "and we did it." Amy interviews that they've been through so many highs and lows that they can deal with anything. Jason agrees that it couldn't have worked out any better. "We're taking it home to Boston. Boston strong." Because you have to say "Boston strong."

And here come Tim & Marie, Tim lugging the big, red, nearly-empty duffel that the teams have been carrying for some reason ever since arriving in Alaska. Phil invites them up onto the giant mat and congratulates them on being team number two. Marie is actually smiling more than Tim is, which never happens unless she's mansplaining something to him. "You fought right to the end," Phil says. Yes, with each other. "Marie, there are a lot of guys here who feared you. And why did you come on this race with Tim?" Marie's answer is typically lacking in charm and artifice: he was with her on the date of the application deadline. "It was because he was the only available man?" Phil laughs along with everyone else. Now that it's all over, Marie is gracious enough to say Tim was a great partner. "He was totally awful preparing for it; he didn't do anything," she says while Tim is like, really? Even now? "But I knew he'd be a great partner when we got here." The other racers start clapping and chanting Tim's name in obvious admiration for all the shit he's had to put up with since day one.

Phil then brings up the "financial arrangement" that was in place had they won, so Marie now has to tell everyone that they agreed to split it 60/40, with the 60 going to her. Phil asks Tim why he agreed to that, and he easily says it was simple. "She threatened to not come on the race unless I signed it, and you know what? If you put me on my deathbed and said, would you like to do this? The coast of Norway, the castles in Portugal. I could go on and on and on. So you know what? No amount of money is worth it, and if she wants to strong-arm me out of it, then so be it." Tim gets more applause, and even Marie is smiling as though Tim hasn't once and for all demonstrated to the whole world what a horrible garbage person she is. She interviews that the race was a roller coaster, with its highs and lows. "It tests you and it pushes you. And in some weird friend kind of way, of course we love each other." Wait, who asked that? "We're always going to be in each other's lives and we'll always be there for the other one, and...yeah. Yeah, we love each other," she finally shrugs. Tim nods manfully, but it's way too little, way too late.

Speaking of which, here come Nicole & Travis jogging up the paved path. They throw their stuff down and become the last team to arrive. Phil says he knows it's not what they wanted, "but you should be very proud. You are team number three." There's a round of applause for them, and Phil asks them what their children are thinking right now. "I think they're gonna be real proud," Travis has the balls to say, after spending hours berating his wife on prime time television. Nicole starts crying, but she knows better than to not echo the sentiment. In their post-race interview, Travis says he's excited they made it to the finals, but he wanted to win. Yes, I noticed that about him. On the mat, Nicole tearfully says, "I know I disappointed you, and I'm sorry." Travis pastes on a smile and mutters something that I think he means to sound reassuring. Nicole tells everyone that Travis comes down hard on her, saying he has expectations for her to be the perfect woman. Phil starts to say something, but Travis assures her that he'll love her no matter what, "through the good, the bad. It's just a race. So do I get disappointed sometimes? Yes." But that's only because he thinks she'll be out of this world, "and sometimes it's in the world, you know? But we're going home." So please stop twisting your wedding ring now, Nicole. In their post-race interview, she says that sometimes thing go well and sometimes they don't, but you work through it and don't give up no matter what. Sounds like a metaphor for the rest of her marriage.

Phil finally invites all the other teams up to the giant mat to congratulate the winners and runners up. The Afghanimals stand arm in arm with Ally & Ashley, saying it's hard to know they were one leg away from a million dollars, "but the experience that we had sort of makes up for it." And Leo adds that they made best friends for life, pulling the blondes in tight as they pretend not to mind. There are more hugs all around as Adam says the Amazing Race is "one of the most incredible experiences you can have. "We wouldn't trade it for anything," Brandon agrees. "Unless maybe doing it again." Oh, come on, who gets to do the race more than once? Amy says this is the beginning of her Happily Ever After, and Jason kisses her on the forehead. Her relatively well-adjusted, happy, victorious, and newly-rich forehead.

Oh, did I say something about people not getting to do this more than once? Well, according to the promo for the All-Star season that will be TAR24, I may have spoken too soon. Much like one of the All-Stars herself is famous for doing. Yes, it looks like she's coming back. Arrrgh!.

M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at M.Giant[at]gmail.com.