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After last week's "To Be Continued," James & Abba go off to see what they can do about Abba's missing passport (spoiler: jack-squat). While they're doing that, Josh & Brent are literally failing the Detour, unable to complete the swimming task before the pool closes. They're handed their clue and a four-hour penalty. But they still go with Ryan and Abbie to the Roadblock, where Josh quickly figures out the trick and helps an exhausted Abbie through it. After the day they've had, both teams are shocked to reach the mat and find out they're still in the race. And so are James & Abba, when they go to say goodbye to Phil and are instead told that not only is this a non-elimination leg, they're still in it if they can produce a passport in time. So good luck with that.
Trey & Lexi kick off the leg early the morning (not that we get any departure times), but cab troubles lead to them getting to the Roadblock after Jaymes & James do. But thanks to an 8:00 opening time, they end up doing the task together. It's a quiz in which they have to calculate the times of different cities in Russia based on a time zone map and a provided time in Moscow. It takes them a number of tries to get past both it and the ham of a geography professor running the test, but they get out of there together and Jaymes even helps Team Austin get a cab in the rain. They proceed to a Detour in which they have to do a Russian soldier dance, which James struggles with on an injured ankle. But he powers through, and the Chippendales win their first leg of the race, with Trey & Lexi coming in second.
After starting in third place, the twins finally use their Express Pass to skip the Roadblock, and then Natalie splits her pants at the dance Detour, but they come in third. Starting hours behind them, Ryan goes into vapor-lock at the Roadblock, nearly getting frustrated enough that you expect him to scream out, "My professor is broken!" But eventually he figures out what he's doing wrong, and then dance instructor Abbie makes sure they ace the dancing Detour, and they make it to the mat in fourth place.
Brent & Josh wait out their four-hour penalty and start their leg just ahead of James & Abba. Brent completes the test on the first try, and then they proceed to a cocktail party where they identify lookalikes of various Russian historical figures. Team Metal, meanwhile, is burning valuable time trying to track down a passport and going through every possible official channel before starting with the tasks, presumably because they weren't allowed to leave the hotel before their leg starts. I guess it wouldn't do to have them becoming unfairly familiar with Moscow. As a result, Josh & Brent have already become team number five before Team Metal even gets to the Roadblock, plus there's that pesky Speed Bump. Which I guess would have involved a priest and a limousine, but more than that I can't tell you because this may be the first time a team ever went from a Speed Bump directly to summary Philimination on the mat. And they still don't have poor Abba's passport. Have a good week in Moscow, guys.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!You'll recall that we ended last week with Abba's passport missing, presumably in the possession of a cab driver who absconded with it and all the rest of the stuff he and James weren't actually wearing or carrying, while a missed airline connection had left Ryan & Abbie and Josh & Brent hours behind, leading them to form the Amazing Race's first-ever suicide pact. In fact, the situation was dire enough that the episode ended with the onscreen text, "To Be Continued." And here we are. Continuing.
We return to Moscow, which is re-introduced to us by a simple subtitle on the screen rather than Phil sharing an interesting fact like he usually does. And under the grim circumstances, this seems appropriate; James and Abba are where we left them last week, standing before Phil on the mat without their passports and thus unable to check in. "You're not the last team to arrive," he tells them, which is the one piece of good news he can offer them right now, and with that he sends them off in search of their passports. After all, Abbie & Ryan and Brent & Josh still have yet to check in and are, in fact, still at the swimming pool -- the latter team still wearing ridiculous floral swim caps as they attempt to complete the synchronized swimming Detour. It sucks that Team Metal's driver left with all their stuff, but Phil used to mug last-place teams all the time and they did fine until their inevitable Philimination for causes having less to do with their lack of possessions than the reason they came in last in the first place. So I think the lesson here is to always keep your passport on your person, especially in Moscow, Toni & Dallas. Team Metal goes to a nearby building to see if they can make some phone calls. I feel particularly bad for Abba, who's about to be in Moscow at night in a t-shirt, June notwithstanding. At least when the sun sets in time-lapse mode, the Bolshoi Theater is even more magnificent at night. So Team Metal won't be Philiminated in front of some rinky-dink little dump.
At the pool, Brent and Josh get another fail-buzzer on their latest attempt at performing with the synchronized swimmers. The coach comes over to them and, with one of the swimmers translating, explains that the pool's about to close but they can have one more chance. Huh, I wonder how this will go? Actually, if it's anything like Mark's "last try" at the Bollywood dance Roadblock during the season, we already know. They hit the music and Abbie and Ryan watch from a bench -- all dressed and ready to go, with their coats and backpacks on and everything -- as the goat farmers jump into the pool with their team one more time. Ryan reminds us that these two teams "made arrangements" to stick together, so here they are. Brent fails to do a backflip so blatantly that it's not even good enough to let it slide for the last chance. Or maybe it would have been without another team there to witness it, in which case "racing together" screwed them over anyway, but I guess we'll never know. The coach goes over and tells them, again through the swimming translator, "I'm sorry, no. It is your clue and you got a penalty." So they're Currently in Last Place as they climb out in defeat. Shouldn't Josh at least try to tell her about how they never quit? Brent interviews afterwards, "Each time we did get slightly better... just not good enough." Ryan goes over and asks them what happened and Josh explains that they have a four-hour penalty. "We knew we were out," Josh VOs, but they still stick together and they hop into tandem cabs. Brent says there's no reason for Abbie and Ryan to bail on them now, since only one of these two teams has a four-hour penalty. "They're safe no matter what." Well, unless Team Grabbie skips the Roadblock and gets an identical penalty to even things out. That really would be sticking together, wouldn't it?
At a hotel near the Pit Stop, James and Abba are talking to police officers. James narrates that being in the music business has taught him that no matter how many times you fall, there's always a way to get up. "There's always another tour." So look for White Lion to come back to your town soon, I guess.
Team Grabbie and the goat farmers get to the Roadblock, and Abbie and Josh take it, even though neither of them appears too excited about it. In the illumination of the street lamps, Josh quickly figures out a system, using the pattern of which ones have key rings on them. Soon he's got six locks open and after we check in with Abbie, who's frustrated and stuck on one or two of her locks, he finishes up and gets his clue from inside the cylinder within the ribbon. That accomplished, they go over so Josh can explain the pattern to Abbie, who has sat down in defeat. Josh helps her up, gives her a hug and helps her finish, earning another hug from both Ryan and Abbie. I think he may even have undone some of the locks for her. Should we just change the title of this show to The Amazing Kumbaya? Of course there's a rule against racers helping their partners with a Roadblock, but there's nothing saying opposing teams can't help each other. Why would you even need such a rule, because who would ever do that?
Out on the street, Abba explains to us that they've contacted the U.S. embassy to look into new passports and they've done everything they can do for now. James interviews that he's always admired Abba's thirst for exploration, which he says sets him apart in their industry: "I can't find any rock musicians that I travel with that even really want to get out of bed half the time." Walking back up the street on their way back to the Pit Stop, James says, "Let's go say goodbye to Phil."
After the godawful two days they've had, Team Grabbie and the goat farmers finally walk up to the mat and jump onto it as close to simultaneously as they can possibly manage, while the accordionist finishes with a big fanfare. "Tough day?" Phil asks, like, derr. Then he says, "Abbie & Ryan? Josh & Brent? I have some good news. There is still a team out there struggling on the course. So Abbie and Ryan, you are team number four." Abbie and Ryan stand there with their mouths open in shock as Phil tells Josh and Brent that they're team number five. Even with their four-hour penalty? So I guess that means either that we've either given up on Team Metal or something else. And it's not that Phil forgot, as he reminds Josh & Brent, "The bad news is you have a four-hour penalty for not completing the Detour. And that four-hour penalty will be assessed at the start of the leg." Nice of Phil to let them go to bed rather than making them wait it out on one of the benches right here, right now. They interview after the leg that they can't believe they're still in the race and they know they have a lot of catching up to do. "It's almost impossible." For them, maybe.
Some time later, James and Abba stand just off the mat, as though in recognition of the fact that they can't officially complete the leg. Phil tells them they're officially the last team to arrive. But it gets even weirder, because it's actually a non-elimination leg, which means they're still in the race. But! Only if they find their passports, which tells us right away that there's going to be a second Moscow leg. Oh, and plus they have a Speed Bump ahead of them in the leg, not to pile on or anything. "Are you telling us we have another shot? James asks Phil. "I'm telling you that your race is not over until it's over," Phil says. "Until you get to a point where you need to produce your passport in order to continue racing." They can't believe it. "Find that cabdriver, make him the Speed Bump," Abba cracks. Phil repeats, "It ain't over till it's over." We'll see about that.
So we come back from the first ad break with the show acting as though it's the beginning of a new episode, but still without the interesting fact from Phil. I'd like to suggest one: given how hard it's proving to eliminate three disaster-stricken teams, it seems germane that this country is the homeland of Rasputin. Phil reminds us that Trey & Lexi won the leg, "And will now be the first team to depart." Yep, there's the subtitle reading, "1st to Depart," but with no departure time. That's odd, bordering on shady. I can tell you that it's daytime and pissing down rain, but beyond that we'll have to wait for further indications. The first clue of this leg is sending them to a place called Study Building #6 at the Moscow Timiryazev Agricultural Academy. They'll follow a "marked path" (which consists of Amazing Arrows stuck on the walls inside the building) to the evocatively named "Large Chemistry Auditorium Number 1" to find their clue. Trey and Lexi hail a taxi in the rain, and Lexi tells us they're not going to take their lead for granted. After a short ride, they get out of their cab and soon find themselves in a graffiti-filled tunnel with broken glass on the sidewalks. Not a nice part of town, in other words. So they get into another cab, this one driven by an old guy dressed like a used car salesman in 1970 who is using a Dixie cup for an ashtray with the windows rolled up tight. Yes, sometimes traveling around the world can be like traveling back in time.
Jaymes & James are the "2nd to Depart," not that we have any idea how far behind they are. As we see them secure a cab so quickly they surprise even themselves, Jaymes interviews about how they plan to stick to their strategy: "Keep having a good time, keep being friends with people and just stay at the top." And then we see Jaymes make fun of himself for saying "Si" to a Russian taxi driver. You know, "Da" sounds a lot like "Duh."
Trey & Lexi show up at yet another destination and ask their driver to wait, which is good, because they've arrived at an empty courtyard. Back on the road, Lexi has opened her car window to let some fresh air in and gets splashed square in the face by a passing bus. Is this a reality show or a sitcom?
In the meantime, Jaymes & James's driver has apparently driven them directly to the right place. Inside, they find a guy sitting outside a closed classroom door with a handwritten sign in Russian taped to it. Presumably it's telling them it opens at 8:00, but the word before the time looks more like "Beyoncé" to them. That would be quite a get for this show. Jaymes interviews that this is a new experience for them; "We never get to places and can't find anyone because we're first. We get to places and can't find anyone because we're last." They ask their driver to wait with them inside. He agrees, even though he seems rather unimpressed with not only their matching names, but their very existence.
Lexi tries to get their driver to turn around and go back. Instead, they pull up to a hotel, where a desk clerk translates for them and gives directions. Thus they finally find the place and join Jaymes & James in waiting. "This is the most miserable morning we've ever had," Trey volunteers, apropos of nothing. In due time the bell rings and they're allowed inside the large, auditorium-style classroom. The giant Speed Bump sign directly inside the door, with James & Abba's faces on it, is pretty hard to miss, and Jaymes concludes that the leg was non-elimination. On top of which Jaymes is pretty surprised to see them there at all, given that they were with them on the first flight at the start of the leg. "So something had to go terribly wrong and they got saved, obviously, but we don't know what happened." A lot of stuff happened, Jaymes. A lot of stuff.
Speaking of James and Abba, they're in their hotel room packing, which is a very quick process under the circumstances. Basically everything currently in their possession is what they're stealing from the hotel. I hope they're looking forward to traveling the rest of the way around the world with nothing to their names but several small bottles of toiletries.
At the classroom, the two lead teams open the clue, which is for a Roadblock. "Who's in the zone?" Jaymes reads. Cut to Phil alone in the classroom, which has a large time zone map of Russia projected on the front screen. He tells us that Russia is the world's largest country, "Almost twice the size of the United States." For the Roadblocks, the racers will be shown that time zone map -- displaying all nine time zones, each with a different color and a number indicating how many hours it is ahead of what I assume is Greenwich Mean Time -- then a local Moscow time. Based on that, they'll have to correctly figure out what time it is in five other Russian cities scattered around the country and write them down on a test sheet, whereupon the "professor" will give them their clue. The "professor," by the way, is tweedy, gray-haired and so severe-looking that he clearly came not from academia but from central casting.
Jaymes and Lexi sit down to each other in the middle of the second row and watch 2:15 Moscow time come up on the screen. Then they get a look at the time zone map, which just has Moscow in the orange zone and all the other zones marked with just UTC +6 through UTC + 12. Moscow, by the way, is in an extra-large zone marked UTC +4. There's no UTC +5, I suppose because Moscow's so awesome it doesn't want to be close to any other time zones. While Jaymes and Lexi are trying to make sense of this, the slide changes to another map of Russia, but with the time zones removed and a half-dozen cities outside the Moscow time zone labeled. While they're trying to figure it out, the screen goes blank again. They wonder if that was it and the professor blares, "PUUUUT THE PENCILS DOOOWN" in a voice genetically engineered to annoy. They quickly obey, laughing and some young proctors come up to collect their papers. We get another explanation of the task courtesy of Jaymes, with some visual aids popping up on the screen. Yes, we got it the first time, even though they didn't. They get set up to try again, knowing better what to expect now. 4:00 Moscow Time flashes up and as they talk about how they're flashing back to college, they both get it wrong again. "NEEEXT ROUND!" the professor hollers. Soon they're on "Test #6," according to the little icon in the corner of the screen. "PENCILS DOWN!" the professor yells again. It's a wonder there are any college graduates in Russia who aren't deaf.
Natalie and Nadiya are off from the Pit Stop in third place and the rain appears to be coming down harder. One of them says that this, the eighth leg, represents their last chance to use their Express Pass and they joke about using it on Phil. They're soon in a cab. What if they did Express Pass Phil? Would they get to skip his greeting and go right to the leg?
The professor tells Jaymes and Lexi that they're both wrong again and it's time for another try. This time Jaymes suggests that he take the right side of the map and Lexi the left and splitting the work this way, they manage to get Test #10... wrong. And after #11? "This is not correct. Try again," the professor says. Lexi suddenly realizes, "Oh my gosh, we're idiots." Well, I don't think she's just realizing that, but rather a new way in which that's proving to be the case. She's just now figured out that Moscow is marked +4 and they've been treating it like it's zero when they should have been deducting Moscow's +4 from, say, Novosibirsk's +6, so that if it's 12:00 in Moscow it's two hours later in Novosibirsk or 2:00, rather than the 6:00 that they would have been putting down up until now. She explains their mistake to Jaymes, who explains it to us in an interview, with even more visual aids: "Plus six is only plus two! Plus seven is only plus three!" Lexi summarizes: "We're dumb." Jaymes says he's glad to be working with the smartest person on the race, who tells him to shut up, even though he might not be entirely kidding.
And on Test #12, the professor receives gets the papers and begins with exaggerated sadness, "I'm really sorry.... but you WIN!" Ham it up, prof. He comes out from behind the lectern with a clue in each hand. Looks like a Detour: "Movers or Shakers." Suddenly Phil's out in the woods, telling us that teams can either, "Take on a grueling physical Russian challenge or test their powers of observation by identifying famous Russian leaders." So we know already which one most teams will be choosing. For "Movers," the racers will have to put on uniforms and do a Russian soldier dance, which, according to the intro video, looks pretty demanding with lots of low kicks and circular leg-sweeps. For "Shakers," on the other hand, they'll go to an "elegant cocktail party" attended by people in costume, including some dressed as such historical Russian luminaries as Catherine the Great, Josef Stalin, Lean Trotsky, Leonid Brezhnev (but not Lenny Bruce or Lester Bangs), Nikolai Rimsky-Korsakov, Peter the Great and Sergei Rachmaninoff, according to a close-up of the guest list. Then they'll have to find a certain number of lookalikes for each of them, which may be tricky, given that I'm pretty sure that at least one Catherine the Great at the party is totally a dude. When they've accomplished this, "Alexander Pushkin will hand over their clue." Well, of course he will. Both Team Austin and the Chippendales opt for the dancing challenge, because we've seen what happens when Amazing Racers try to delve into local history, this despite the fact that V.I. Lenin is as recognizable as John Lennon. Jaymes and James have a little trouble getting their driver out of the coffee shop, but at least they have a driver, as opposed to Trey & Lexi, who apparently sent their cabbie back to the Herb Tarlek Boutique from whence he came and they don't see any other taxis going by. Rather than abandoning them in the rain, Jaymes tells their driver to pull over and they help Team Austin hail a cab, Jaymes saying they owe them. He gets them on their way, and they all feel pretty good about that. Because we're watching The Amazing Montessori now or something.
Natalie and Nadiya are trying to get their diver to hurry up and get them to the building without stopping at McDonald's like he wants to. He assures them he knows where they're going. "I taxi thritty-seven years!" he announces in a heavy accent. One of the twins insists, "Boss, boss, no McDonald's. They're too fat." They all have a good laugh about that. And perhaps they've helped their driver live another thritty-seven months.
Trey & Lexi's driver, as well as Jaymes & James's, get them to the Hotel National, where they quickly find the Petrovsky Room. Inside, a military band is playing an up-tempo number while all manner of rapid, highly gymnastic dancing goes on, courtesy of some extremely energetic men and women in uniform. They get changed into uniforms of their own -- though not without a shot of briefly shirtless Trey -- and go out into the ballroom where the lessons take place. Each team picks an instructor. We find out now -- a little belatedly, if you ask me -- that James sprained his ankle way back in Shanghai and it's been getting worse, but now they'll just have to do that dance, which, given that it includes such ankle-intensive moves as kicking alternate feet from a low squat, is especially tough on James's ankle. Soon the pain has him sweating so freely he looks like an oiled-up Chippendale. "We've got a problem," Jaymes says. Good thing you have another Detour option to go to then, right?
And coming back from ads, they've decided that James is in too much pain to spend any more time trying to learn the dance, so they're probably better off... going into the ballroom and attempting it instead. Chippendale logic, I guess. James can't pull off all the coffee grinders at the end, so they fail. But at least they do than Trey does. Holy God, dude dances like Herman Munster.
Natalie and Nadiya get to the Roadblock, take one look at the clue and bust out the Express Pass. They interview afterwards that they were both like, "Hell no," in unison. They head off to the dancing Detour, confident that they made a smart move. But dammit, without a Roadblock, how the hell am I going to know which of them is which for the rest of this episode?
After watching some more locals dance, James hobbles back out on the floor with Jaymes and they do well enough to get a clue, possibly more out of sympathy than anything else. Hugs all around and then we cut to Jaymes sitting on the floor opening their clue while, to him, a medic tries to pull James's boot off to examine his injured ankle while James croaks in agony. Good thing there's nothing left for them to do this leg but find "Sokolniki Park," which Phil says is "an expansive, forested fairground." In fact, those are the woods he was coming to us from earlier. You don't often see carnival rides in among the trees like this, possibly because people don't generally care to get smacked in the face by a leaping squirrel while trying to enjoy the trapeze ride. "And hidden in this urban oasis, a public performance pavilion," Phil sentence-fragments. That would be the Pit Stop. Standing on the stage that, despite being pretty colorful, is a rinky-dink little dump, Phil warns, "The last team to check in here may be eliminated." Back at the hotel, James drags himself over to where he and Jaymes can change clothes, hoping to win their first leg ever. Because he could clearly use a new one.
Trey & Lexi do their dance routine not well, but well enough and they exit the hotel in second place, right behind the Chippendales. Team Austin heads over to the hotel limo stand, while Jaymes hails a cab and asks the driver to call another one for Team Austin, only to not see Trey & Lexi around. "Guys, we can't help each other if you run off." So the Ja/mses head out, still hoping for first place. Natalie and Nadiya show up at the hotel, but they're having their driver wait so Trey & Lexi can't take him. But they quickly get another cab anyway. "We can still get first," Trey says. Only if you end up in a footrace with Gimpy Spice.
Natalie and Nadiya are soon in uniform and trying to learn the dance, but Natalie splits her pants... twice. With edited-in sound effects and all. Well, now I can tell them apart, at least.
James and Abba are still at their hotel, vowing to stay in it until all their options are exhausted. So far that seems to involve hanging around in the hotel room. Be very afraid, other teams.
Josh & Brent are now "waiting out penalty" on the steps of the Bolshoi Theater. That's going to be a long four hours. Too bad they didn't just get to sleep in later. And while two teams are already en route to the Pit Stop, Abbie & Ryan finally open their first clue under what has become a sunny afternoon sky, not that the departure times have returned to the screen Off they go to the Roadblock at the Agricultural Academy. Running for a cab, Ryan boasts, "I went to UC Davis and that's an agricultural school, what-what?" Yeah, this'll be the same thing. They soon get a cab, and Ryan interviews that the nightmare of the leg has helped them appreciate where they are now. "The taste of victory is getting closer to being in our mouth and we want it so badly now," he says, overextending the metaphor as badly as he habitually overextends his grabby meat hooks. In the cab, Abbie says Ryan's her guy for "anything numbers or science," and Ryan interviews that there's no higher stakes than two million dollars, which gives them more motivation than any other team. "You're smart. You know everything," Abbie says. Future racers, that's what a jinx sounds like.
At the Pit Stop, it's clearly either earlier in the day or rainy again as the two lead teams show up at the park, supposedly pretty close together. Jaymes says he's sorry for the pain James is feeling but asks him to dig deep and soon it is indeed a two-team footrace. But somehow the Chippendales hold on to their lead, all the way to the end. They climb up to the stage, each using a set of steps on either side, to where Phil's standing in front of the mat to a woman dressed like Catherine the Great. She welcomes them to Sokolniky Park and although she doesn't seem to be making Jaymes & James regret skipping the cocktail party Detour, they thank her politely in pidgin Russian. And then Phil tells them they're Team Number One, which is a first for them. They celebrate loudly and hear all about the trip to Costa Rica they've just won. Trey & Lexi show up after they've cleared out and are happy to be Team Number Two. These two teams probably should have just shared the prize.
Natalie and Nadiya are in the ballroom going through their routine. Their coffee grinders are a little rough, but they get a "Da" and are soon on their way to the Pit Stop. From the cab, they notice a guy walking down the street in a cape and mask. Does Moscow have supervillains?
At the Roadblock, Ryan agrees with Abbie that yes, he is in the zone (per the Roadblock question) and he settles down for his exam, which he fully plans to ace. "Puzzles and brain games are kind of my strong point," he interviews, so he figures he can get this done and get them out of there in less than two minutes. But he's soon making the same mistake Lexi and Jaymes made earlier, not that he realizes it. "Done. Win," he announces even before the professor calls pencils down. He's already up and ready to go to the destination, clue in hand somehow, but the professor tells him in that dentist's drill voice, "It's not correct." Ryan's confused, but he goes again. And it's wrong again. "It's not correct," the professor honks after Test #6. And any number of tests after that. Which is great, because he's a lot less cocky now.
Natalie and Nadiya run up to the mat, where it's now sunny, dropping their backpacks -- and, in Natalie's case, herself, as she gets all tangled up in the straps. They're Team Number Three, and this time they high-five rather than moaning about it. Still not the best use of an Express Pass one might hope for, but a worse use for it would have been not using it at all.
Josh & Brent are finally, at long last, the "5th to Depart." So with the goat farmers' penalty, we're supposed to believe that it's took Team Grabbie four hours to get to the school and attempt the time zone test six times? I'm starting to understand why we're not seeing any departure times. Josh interviews that this leg started like a lot of other ones: "Josh & Brent against the world." But you're not going to quit, right, Josh? In their taxi, Brent says James & Abba are hot on their heels, "So it's going to come down to who gets the best cab and who gets to the Academy first." Brent is clearly ignorant of certain other variables affecting James & Abba's situation, i.e. the Speed Bump and the fact that they've apparently made no progress whatsoever on getting Abba's passport. In fact, when Team Metal finally becomes "Last to Depart," James suggests they start by going to a hotel and making some calls about getting a passport. What the hell have they been doing all day? It has to be late afternoon by now. So I can only assume that there was some rule prohibiting them from doing anything about their situation before starting their leg. Which seems a little harsh, but on the other hand, if you let teams wander around the city too much between legs, they might end up with an unfair advantage in terms of familiarity with their surroundings. And after all, it's not the production's fault they lost their shit. But at least they're getting on top of things now; Abba spots a guy with a cell phone on the street and borrows it on the spot. He then calls the embassy to see if he can get a temporary passport and then they decide to maybe try the police station. So I can only assume that they essentially spent the day in the hotel under house arrest.
Ryan gets another "This is not correct" on Test #17, because he's still using the same method and insisting that something about the test is "misleading." This isn't the Challenge, bro. Apparently he's even been adding four hours to Moscow time for cities that are in the same time zone as Moscow, which should have jogged something loose in that puzzle-solving, brain-game-winning, number-y, science-y melon of his. Abbie whispers fearfully to the camera that maybe Ryan's overthinking it. "Plus-four has to mean in reference to something else, not in reference to Moscow. I don't know, maybe I'm stupid." Well, Abbie, even though you're the one using the kind of voice people use when heavy boots are clomping around over the crawlspace you're hiding in, you're not the one who's failed the test 21 times. Ryan is becoming convinced that "There's a glitch in the Matrix." Because it's patently impossible that he could be making a mistake. At some point he gets up and loudly complains to the professor about what he perceives as a "contradiction" in the map. "Try to relax. I'm on your side," the professor lies, probably because he doesn't want to get torn to pieces on camera. And then he smirks while watching Ryan sit down again and continue to insist that he's right and the test is wrong. Looks like Jaymes might have actually been right about the smartest person in the race.
After the ads, Ryan says, "I was a really bad student in school, but I test really well for IQ. So maybe I shouldn't be taking tests in a classroom." So he starts again and while both thinking out loud and trying to communicate why the professor is out of order, the test is out of order and the whole goddamn concept of time zones is out of order, he bitchily narrates his thought process: "Moscow is plus four in its own time zone. Wait, what?" Ah, the light dawns. He flips over his test page and goes, "Ohhhh. OHHHHHH! AAAAAARGGH! Oh, I'm so stupid!" This last he says three times, while the professor smiles at him and sings out, "round!" clearly relieved that he is not going to be killed by an American today. So on Test #25, the professor comes out and does his bit: "I'm really sorry... but you WIN!" Ryan gives him a hug, of course, and they're off to go dancing. But he still feels stupid. You know what, Ryan? Don't feel stupid. We all make mistakes, especially when we're tired and frustrated. That doesn't make you stupid. Mulishly pigheaded, though? Go ahead and feel like you're that.
James & Abba and Brent & Josh are still on their way. Brent says they'll be disappointed if they get to the first task and James and Abba are already there, because Brent still does not fully comprehend just how badly Team Metal has been skull-fucked with their glasses on. They're currently visiting a police station and asking if anyone has turned in the passport. But, as James explains to us, the Muscovite constabulary is insisting on a completed report, on a form that's printed in Russian. Fortunately they find a kid who's willing to come in and translate for them, I guess because he's got nothing better to do.
The goat farmers have reached the Roadblock and Brent takes this one. He talks about how he used to be teacher's pet and all that, which I have no trouble believing. After all of one try, the professor says, "I'm really sorry ...but you WIN!" Even while being handed his clue, Brent sucks up the to the teacher, saying, "I've always been a straight-A student." "You very smart man," the professor agrees and sends them on their way in fifth place. Josh points out the Speed Bump sign with James and Abba's faces on it. "So they gotta do this and that," Brent says.But first they gotta do the other thing, as we see them taking leave of their young translator outside the police station. "Now they have the information and they know where to find us and they'll deliver it to us," Abba says, And now back to the race. Such as it is, as far as they're concerned.
At the hotel ballroom, Abbie is in her element, acting as assistant dance instructor for Ryan at the Movers Detour. "I guess I have to respect that this is what she does for a living," he interviews. Why, how very enlightened of you, chump. They do in fact end up doing the dance way better than anyone else did, including possibly some of the actual Russian dancers and Ryan of course hugs and kisses the judge when they get their clue. Off to the Pit Stop for them. "Oh man, am I glad that's out of the way," Ryan says in their cab. Yes, now he can go back to being in charge, which worked out so well at the Roadblock.
Brent and Josh join the cocktail party and Brent says they knew they were ahead, "So we felt that we could play around and enjoy the experience a little bit." In other words, no way were they not going to work it. They quickly identify a Brezhnev by his eyebrows, a Stalin by his mustache, a Lenin by his pointed bard and three-piece suit, a Tsar Nicolas 11 and a Peter the Great. "Mr. Great, meet Mr. Stalin," Brent says to a couple of the guests. Josh dances with a Catherine the Great, Brent mock-fences with her brother Peter and they go into the room to write down the number of each they met for the Alexander Pushkin lookalike: two Stalins, three Trotskys, four Catherines, five Brezhnevs, five Peters, six Tsar Nicolii and seven Lenins. I don't know what happened to Rachmaninoff and I think the race really missed an opportunity to bury them in Khrushchevs. Anyway, Pushkin gives them a rather impressed "Da" and their clue, so they're headed to the Pit Stop in fifth place. They return to the party to thank everyone and drink their health. "Lovely for a dead crowd," Josh says. Wow, they killed that leg. They probably would have won it if only they could have started twelve hours earlier.
Abbie and Ryan make it to the Pit Stop, Ryan laughing as though he has come completely unglued, which he may well have done so. They're Team Number Four, to their lack of surprise. Abbie says they'll come back tomorrow and Ryan adds, "We've also knocked out the tougher challenges that we've faced individually and the fears that we've had." Whatever that means. "So hopefully it's a smoother ride and we can get back up to the top." This Catherine tells them "do svidaniya." "Which means goodbye," Phil tells them firmly. Get off my mat already, you weirdo.
Brent and Josh run to the mat, Josh dropping his rolling suitcase on the ground as he goes and they are Team Number Five. "Today was fabulous," Josh says. "We're doing something right because we're still in the game. There's a surprise every leg." Or in the case of this leg, several.
So that's clearly it for James and Abba, no matter what. We see them arrive at the Detour location and Abba interviews, "Outside of all the miserable uncomfortableness of my knees, it's been great." James says they're feeling crushed, having hoped to get to the end of the race. Well, they're almost at the end of theirs. James opens their Speed Bump clue over the farewell music and rather than wasting anyone's time finding out what it is, we just see them go outside, get into a limo with a priest and apparently ride with him straight to the Pit Stop, where it's coming on evening. "Zdravstvuitje (Hello.)," says Catherine the Greeter. "James & Abba: passports?" Phil asks crisply, as though it matters at this point. "Just one," James says. "The other one?" Phil asks. "Floatin' around somewhere in Russia," Abba says, as cheerfully as he can manage. Phil says, "I'm very sorry to tell you that you are in fact the last team to arrive." James says they're not surprised, nor are they surprised to be Philiminated. The only surprise is that it's taken this long. James says they had a great time. "The Amazing Race was killer for us." Abba says he doesn't want to be saying goodbye, but "holding a check to my buddy here. We put another couple thousand miles on together, and hoping there are many more." There's a farewell montage of clips from some legs and they're philosophical about having done their best and moving forward. "It's like the old boxing coach said: we was robbed," James interviews. Abba agrees, "Literally, we were." They hug on the mat and that's it for them. Too bad they didn't have an old boxing coach to pull the plug on them earlier on. Nice requiem over the closing credits, though. Very tragic.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at M.Giant[at]gmail.com.
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