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The race's relocation to Amsterdam seems like the potential for a fresh start for everyone, but it doesn't quite happen that way. Natalie and Nadiya are the first team to reach the Dutch capital, where they quickly complete a fish-eating Fast Forward and thus win the leg before any other teams have even started the Detour. The Chippendales take a boat ride to a floating pastry stand that gives them not only their clue but also some tasty treats, and then they break out the cuffs and collars to shill for tips during an organ-grinding Detour. After that, they hop a bus to the outlying town of Ransdorp, where James hops a ditch in a familiar pole-vaulting Roadblock before they check in as team number two. Trey & Lexi, following in their footsteps, remain in third place from start to finish.
But you will not believe the leg Abbie & Ryan have. Starting eight hours behind the team ahead of them, they might still have a chance to catch up while flying to Amsterdam. But they've once again booked a connection through Frankfurt, and it appears that airport has not finished messing with them yet. The first flight they try to board closes early, and the second one has mechanical issues that forces the entire manifest to change planes before taking off. So by the time they actually get to Amsterdam, the formerly last-place Josh & Brent catch up to them despite having started the leg almost three hours later. So the League of Losers from leg seven is reformed as they resolve to run the rest of the leg together again, not that it's clear what that even means.
But it's not going to work this time either, because the three lead teams made a pact to U-Turn Abbie & Ryan right out of the race. According to the agreement, the first team to reach the U-Turn would use it on Abbie & Ryan, and then the team following would "use" it on the team who U-Turned Abbie & Ryan, for no other reason than to prevent Abbie & Ryan from U-Turning anyone else. And that's exactly what happened. Jaymes felt terrible about it, but ultimately decided that his family -- including his cancer-having dad -- are more important than Ryan and Abbie. Whom the other two teams hate anyway, so Trey & Lexi were more than happy to carry out their part of the plan.
So on top of everything else, Abbie & Ryan find themselves screwed by the last team they expected to be screwed by. They sadly go back and do the organ-grinding Detour -- after already having completed the other Detour with the goat farmers, in which they arranged actors and themselves in a live recreation of Rembrandt's The Night Watch -- while the goat farmers go on ahead. Josh experiences some painful twinges from his Stockholm syndrome (which is odd, because he and Brent transferred in Oslo) and then an ankle injury while running across the field to the ditch-vaulting Roadblock, but he and Brent make it to the mat in fourth place. As a near-final insult, Ryan is the only racer unable to successfully vault the ditch on the first try. And as the final insult, when he and Abbie finally make it to the mat, in last place, after sunset, and find out that they're Philiminated and will be doubling a prize of bupkes, he's standing there in wet pants. It's almost enough to make you feel bad for him. Almost.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Once again we're in Moscow, and in the two weeks we've been here, Phil has managed to scrape up the following interesting fact to recite over shots of the city's distinctive architecture: "Moscow is Russia's capital." Well, that was certainly worth waiting for. But fortunately he adds that it also has "a population of over ten million people, and more billionaires than any other city on earth." Okay, that I didn't know. How high is rent in Moscow, anyway?
"And on the outskirts of the city, Sokolniky Park, the start of the ninth leg in a race around the world." Phil tells us this last bit while standing in front of a couple snuggling on a park bench with their backs to him, as though looking at Phil wouldn't improve anybody's romantic mood. "Jaymes & James won the last leg of the race," Phil says, which still sounds weird, "and will depart first, at 7:32 PM." Their clue contains -- nay, consists of -- a red, white, and blue tricolor flag with horizontal stripes, which Phil says they'll need to use to "figure out that their destination is the capital of the Netherlands: Amsterdam." Kind of surprising that they're getting an actual clue as a clue rather than the usual flat-out direction. After landing, they'll take a train to the Central Train Station to find the clue box, which is standing on the broad cobblestone plaza outside the large building.
Jaymes & James head off to go find a computer. "I don't know where we're going, but we're coming!" Jaymes says. In a somber interview, James explains that people back home are relying on them. Fortunately, they seem to have somehow gotten their hands on an iPad at a hotel's front desk, which is telling them they're going to Holland. The interview continues as Jaymes reminds us that his dad is both battling cancer and working 50-60 hours a week, and he wants to be able to tell his dad not to worry about the latter. That does seem like one job too many. I'm sure Jaymes would rather be able to tell his dad not to worry about the former, but even a half-million dollars can only do so much.
Trey & Lexi are starting their leg at 7:49 PM, not all that far behind. Trey interviews that they've enjoyed hanging out with the Chippendales the past couple of legs. "Same with Natalie and Nadiya." They go right to a cab, and as they're climbing in, Trey asks the hotel bellman, "What country is this?" Examining the flag, the guy tells them it's France, which I'm writing off as an understandable mistake because I made a similar one. Actually I first thought it was the new Russian flag, which is white, blue and red rather than red, white and blue, but going to the Russian capital from Moscow would be a damn short flight. "Oh, my God, we're going to Paris, holy cow!" Lexi says excitedly. Let's hope they figure it out before they get their tickets. And of course I actually mean the opposite of that, because I want to see what happens. But then they get to the airport, and soon encounter the Chippendales in the concourse. "Where do y'all think we're going?" Jaymes asks them. "Paris!" Lexi chirps, and seems a little disappointed to learn they're going to the Netherlands instead. "Thank God y'all saw us," Jaymes says. Except I feel the opposite.
Bloody Frahnce," either Natalie or Nadiya says when they open their clue in third place, at 9:15 PM, while it's still full daylight outside. One of them interviews that they're hoping for a U-Turn in this leg to use on Abbie and Ryan because they're the only ones racing for two million dollars. The network probably feels the same way. "Aaand they're just annoying," one of them adds, about which I feel the same way. Meanwhile, the twins have gone into a hotel and found out that they are in fact going to the Netherlands. "Oh my God, we're such fools," one of the twins says. Hey, don't beat yourselves up.
The Chippendales and Team Austin find the Aeroflot counter at the airport together and learn that there are no flights going to Amsterdam tonight. In fact, the earliest isn't leaving until 10:45 AM, arriving at 12:15 PM. "Only three seats," the agent adds as a kicker. You know, I've been assuming all this time that all teams have to buy four tickets for each flight to accommodate their camera and sound guys, but maybe now there are just Amazing Crewmembers waiting in the city. Something I'm almost interested enough in to look into.
Anyway, Lexi asks the agent the flight after that, and they're told about a Cyprus Airlines flight through Larnaca (wherever that is -- Cyprus, maybe?) that reaches Amsterdam at 1:00 PM. Trey and Lexi head over to that window, as Jaymes tells us that they've had fun racing with Team Austin, but for now, "The point is to stay in front." I'd agree, considering how long it took them to get there.
Natalie and Nadiya, on the other hand, appear to have gone to an Alitalia counter instead, where a blurry-faced agent tells them about a flight that connects in Rome and will get them into Amsterdam at 11:13. But then the agent doesn't want to sell them the seats due to the fact that their transfer time in Rome is only an hour, even when the sister in white argues the point and insists they'll take responsibility for the consequences. As if they'd have another option, as we saw a couple of legs ago in Frankfurt.
Meanwhile, the Chippendales are content with their 10:45 direct flight to Amsterdam, with no "scary 45-minute layover," as James calls it. "Those are terrifying," Jaymes agrees around another mouthful of apple. Meanwhile, Trey and Lexi are booking their seats to Amsterdam to arrive at 1:05. The twins interview that they need to be on this Alitalia flight, and as they tell us how bad-ass they are (which they support mostly by talking about how they tell everyone how bad-ass they are), we see them working their way up the hierarchy at the ticket window, and finally wheedling their way onto flight they wanted. What's Italian for "It's your funeral"?
The sun sets, the sun rises, and Abbie and Ryan rip open their first clue. Literally -- they're starting at 5:28 in the morning, when it's already light out again. Short June nights in Moscow, apparently, but they're still almost ten hours behind the Chippendales and more than eight hours behind the twins. They're momentarily flummoxed to find themselves holding a flag, which Ryan also thinks is France at first until Abbie quickly corrects, "C'est ne pas France!" Cute. Ryan's second guess is the Netherlands, which I don't think has been anyone's anythingth guess up until now.
As they ride in a cab into the rising sun, Ryan says they want to win two million dollars. "So someone's going down, it's not us. We have a few more legs to catch up and I know we will." Abbie says she's just hoping there's not a U-Turn, because "There's two people on the other side that will want to U-Turn us [splitscreens show the twins and Team Austin] and one that won't [as the splitscreen shifts to show the Chippendales]." Ryan says that's okay because they're so far ahead of Josh and Brent. "Start sending the sheep to slaughter," he says. Except for how Josh and Brent are goat farmers. Keep your ruminants straight, dude.
At the airport, the three lead teams are discussing the U-Turn, which they figure Abbie and Ryan would definitely use on any of them if given the chance (even though they didn't before). So one of the twins lays out a plan: if the teams get split up, the first team to the U-Turn should U-Turn Abbie & Ryan, and then the second team should U-Turn whoever U-Turned Abbie & Ryan, which will have no effect on that team but will take the other half of a potential Double U-Turn out of play so that Abbie and Ryan won't be able to use it in turn on Josh & Brent, or anyone else. That's actually diabolically ingenious. Jaymes doesn't appear entirely on board with this, not wanting to hurt anybody's feelings. "That was cute when it was eleven of us," one of the twins ribs him, not entirely humorously. Jaymes would rather not have U-Turns in the game at all, which is part of why he wants to be at the front of the pack in the first place. "Why lose a friend if you don't got to?" he asks. Because that worked out so well for Dave and Rachel last season? Okay, actually it didn't affect them at all when Art & JJ got all butt-hurt about Dave not sticking to the plan, but I sense the Chippendales are a little less bulletproof.
Abbie and Ryan have stopped at a bookstore to check out some flights on the internet. Ryan finds a 9:15 flight that goes through Frankfurt, but the mention of that city seems to send Abbie into a literal flashback to Leg 7, when she and Ryan and the goat famers missed their connection and were stranded in Frankfurt overnight, which became the primary cause of the eight-hour deficit they're facing now. Ryan says it's either that or get to Amsterdam at 6:00 PM, and they decide to book two flights ahead of time out of Frankfurt, just to cover their bases. They couldn't both go wrong, could they? "Once we get into Frankfurt, we're gold," he says confidently, while Abbie cuts the camera a very nervous look. It's bad enough that they're tempting fate by returning to Frankfurt, she seems to be thinking; does he also have to waggle his fingers in its face and go, "I'm not touching youuu!"
Finally, here is the fifth and last-place team, Josh and Brent, departing at 8:11 AM. Yes, they're more than twelve hours behind the leaders, but this means they actually gained more than an hour and a quarter on Abbie and Ryan during the leg, so good for them. Brent quickly recognizes the flag as being that of Holland, so good for them again. Speaking of the U-Turn that so many people are speculating about that it damn well better show up, Josh interviews that they've been in the back of the pack since the beginning. "I think at his point in time, everybody's gonna want to keep us in the race because they think we're the weakest team... so if we get carried into the final three by another team, we'll take it." Not that I'm clear how that would work. Does Josh think he's on a href="http://www.televisionwithoutpity.com/show/big-brother/" target="_blank">Big Brother or something?
Back at the airport, Natalie & Nadiya board their plane to Rome, which, as Phil reminds us, should ultimately have them in Amsterdam by 11:30 AM. He and the subtitles also remind us that Jaymes & James's direct flight is scheduled to land at 12:15, while Trey & Lexi are connecting through Larnaca and due in Amsterdam at 1:05. Phil's voice concludes, "And Abbie & Ryan have booked two pairs of tickets connecting through Frankfurt, arriving in Amsterdam at 12:45 PM and 2:05 PM." Hence the subtitle reading 12:45/2:05 PM Arrival." And also, probably, hence Abbie's worried look at Ryan. Is it even within the rules to double-book like this? I guess we'll find out. Now that four teams are in the air, the fifth team gets to the airport and books on the fastest flight, which will apparently connect in Oslo. I bet if Phil counted all the countries the teams travel through and not just race in, the number would be doubled.
And we're on to Amsterdam. Natalie & Nadiya apparently had no trouble changing planes in Rome because they land first, as scheduled, and they quickly find and board the subway directly from the airport to Amsterdam's Central Station. And then they do this twinny thing where they speak in unison on the train about how they're hoping to be in the lead. Even their "um" is synchronized. Fortunately it's more amusing than creepy.
Josh & Brent are just now seen boarding their Aeroflot flight to Oslo. Which is weird, because the departure board says it's on time for an 11:05 departure. And unless the twins got to Amsterdam waaay early, it's already after 11:30 there, while in Moscow it's hours later. Anyway, Brent says they're expecting to be in Amsterdam at 4:35. "We're probably quite a few hours behind the other teams, but at least we're on our way." I have to admire their courage in being willing to race through a city whose name contains the letters "slo."
Natalie & Nadiya are, unsurprisingly, the first team to reach Central Station, a fact one of them declares "awesomeballs." Soon they're out on the plaza in front of the building, and they open the clue box to find a Fast Forward inside. Cut to Phil on the bank of a canal as he explains that any team attempting the Fast Forward will have to proceed to the Van Gogh Café and find "this marked bus," which is called the Floating Dutchman and looks distinctly amphibious. The twins go pelting off after the Fast Forward, already arguing about whether to get a taxi or walking directions, and apparently settling on the compromise of hiring a bicycle pedicab operated by a guy who barely looks strong enough to pedal a sewing machine. "Whoo, Amsterdam!" they cheer, until their driver's wide U-turn tells them they were going in the wrong direction.
Jaymes and James land in Amsterdam for their second time this race (you may recall that they transferred here on their way from Istanbul to Moscow along with the late, lamented Team Metal) and rush to the train platform, which they find with seven minutes to spare. Even better news is the fact that James's allegedly injured ankle doesn't appear to be slowing him down at all. Up ahead, the twins are already being delivered to the Van Gogh Café by their floppy-haired poetry major. "Oh my God, it was right bloody here?" one of them says. They quickly spot the Floating Dutchman parked nearby and hop on it, moments before it drives off with them as the only passengers. Either the race rented it for the whole day or it's not a terribly popular attraction.
Abbie & Ryan land in Frankfurt for their second time this race and run for the gate to their first Amsterdam flight, only to be told that check-in is already closed. The agent at the empty boarding area tells them they're not checked in and calls for a supervisor to see if she can get them on the plane (or at least pretends to), but they're out of luck. In a post-leg interview, Ryan philosophically says that it wasn't the end of the world, what with their 12:55 backup flight coming up anyway. And yet, in the heat of the moment, he generously tells the ticket agent, "Thanks for nothing," before he and Abbie hurry off to get their other tickets. She must be so sorry to see him go.
Jaymes & James ride the train, happy to be in Amsterdam for real. Conversely, Abbie & Ryan are once again not happy to be in Frankfurt as they board a shuttle bus to cross the tarmac. "I hate Frankfurt. I hate frankfurters. I hate Frankenstein," Ryan grumbles. "Quite frankly, we got Franked," Abbie says. They get on the other plane, only to hear an announcement that the plane is having mechanical problems and won't take off as scheduled. Abbie is almost in tears as she says she's over it, and Ryan puts his head in his lap and declares it a "disaster." No, Ryan, a disaster is what happens when an airplane takes off with mechanical difficulties. This is just a pain in the ass. Your disaster is still coming.
After the ads, the captain comes back on and says the deicer is fucked, so they're all going to have to switch planes. "We're done," Ryan says. "We're done." Maybe time you won't go on The Amazing Race without knowing how to fix a deicer, Mr. Boy Scout.
Natalie & Nadiya, however, are having a much better time in Amsterdam, and are shocked and amazed as their bus -- which, mind you, is clearly called the Floating Dutchman and looks like a boat on the bottom -- drives up to the marina, aims itself down a boat ramp, and deliberately crashes into the canal, water splashing all the way up the windshield. As the twins marvel at being aboard a boat-bus, Phil explains that to complete the Fast Forward, they'll have seven minutes to eat five whole herring each, "before the bus returns to shore." If they can't do it in time, the bus will drive all the way back to the Van Gogh Café and wait ten minutes before going back so they can try again. Which seems like it would suck, but I'd think that if you had to try putting five raw fish in your belly on top of four and a half that were already in there, those ten minutes might actually be appreciated. So here goes: a waiter on the bus serves each of them a covered tray and they tuck right in, with their hair tied to the top of their heads. They struggle with chewing and swallowing the full, raw fish, but Nadiya has finished one in a little over a minute. I think they'll probably be okay.
Jaymes & James quickly find the clue box outside the Central Station. They look at the Fast Forward and also the Route Info, which instructs them to go on foot to a dock, ride a boat to a bridge called Magere Brug, and supposedly "find" a pastry stand identified by subtitle as "Poffertjesboot." But the Chippendales decide to go for the Fast Forward instead, which means they're either idiots or they think they might be the first team in town.
Aboard the Floating Dutchman, Nadiya has downed two fish and Natalie one, and they have a little under five minutes left. Nadiya's coaching Natalie through it, and soon they both have three down, with two and a half minutes left. The Chippendales are getting directions to the Van Gogh Cafe, and then we see Natalie finishing her last fish with just under a minute left, and Nadiya finishes with 49 second still on the clock. That wasn't terribly suspenseful, even leaving aside how little I appreciate food challenges on this show in the first place. They get their clue and give the waiter a "fishy kiss." Nadiya has to use her teeth to open the slippery envelope, and sure enough the clue inside is sending them to the Pit Stop: Ransdorp, a town where they'll look behind the church to find a house that was supposedly the home of Rembrandt's mistress. Saucy! "We feel good and feel gross at the same time," one of the sisters says as the bus gets back on land. Just imagine how they'd feel if they had to do it again. Even grosser and not at all good, would be my guess.
Jaymes & James arrive at the Van Gogh Café on foot, apparently after having done a bit of wandering. They're disappointed to see the twins getting off the bus, because of course it means the Fast Forward is out of play. The two teams part company and wish each other luck as one of the sisters announces, "We killed that bitch!" "Must be nice," Jaymes chuckles ruefully as they start looking for directions to the destination for the actual leg. No, Jaymes, it's awesomeballs. Meanwhile, Natalie & Nadiya are looking for directions to the home of Rembrandt's mistress -- like can't anybody be discreet in this country? -- and get into a taxi, burping fish the whole time. Be sure and tip your driver extra, ladies.
In Frankfurt, Abbie and Ryan are back on a shuttle bus. Again. At least this way they get to see more of the town than they did on their first visit. Ryan tells us he was frustrated "three legs ago [it was actually two] when we missed a connection in Frankfurt... If it wasn't two million dollars I probably would be laughing." Well, it's not two million dollars for me, and I certainly am. And I'm pretty sure someone at the network is, too.
The third plane carrying Trey & Lexi arrives in Amsterdam, and after a run through the airport, they're soon on the train going, "Sssuperstar!" Weren't they, like, in day care when that was a thing?
At the dock, Jaymes & James pick a boat driver and dig their ride up the canal. "We're going to enjoy this calm before the storm," James says. Or the calm before the calm, as the case may be. Behind them, Lexi quickly spots the clue box outside Central Station, and she and Trey wisely forgo the Fast Forward in favor of heading straight to their Route Info.
The Pit Stop is in a little Dutch country town, with houses and chicken pens in backyards and Phil standing by the mat to a greeter dressed like an old-fashioned Dutch milkmaid. She says, "Hallo (Hello.)" as Natalie and Nadiya come rolling up, barely twenty minutes into the episode. The twins sing "Thank you" in harmony and shimmy expectantly as Phil tells them they're team number one, shimmying right back at them. "What was that?" he asks them before getting to the point: They each win five thousand dollars, which one of them says means "All the clothes we wanted." "Tot Ziens. (Goodbye)," the greeter smiles at them. Speaking of someone who probably wishes she were wearing something else.
Jaymes is asking for directions to Poffertjesboot from likely sources like covered tour boats and swans on the canal. But soon their boat is, with no guidance whatsoever from the racers, pulling right up to what looks like a floating pastry stand where two chefs are at work. So clearly the only way to not find Poffertjestboot under the circumstances is to be Helen Keller. Each of the Chippendales is handed a little paper basket of fresh-baked goodies on a long-handled wooden paddle along with their clue, which Jaymes opens it to learn that they're headed for a Detour. Yes, we haven't found out the first actual task of the leg until one team has already reached the Pit Stop.
But here's Phil, outside an ornate museum with a Jumbotron-sized painting on the front, explaining that this is about "two cultural gems that are treasured by the Dutch." The choice is "Back in Time" or "Organ to Grind." To explain the first option, Phil is suddenly using a hushed inside-voice as he informs us about the large canvas hanging behind him. "This is Rembrandt's world-famous painting, The Night Watch." Wow, it's really big. I hope nobody is going to have to eat it. "Working with a group of live extras, teams must recreate this masterpiece exactly as Rembrandt painted it," Phil says. They'll not only dress as two characters themselves, but arrange the rest of the characters and their props in the correct order. And then a Rembrandt impersonator (who needs a little more chiaroscuro around his jowls, if you ask me) will inspect their work and hand them their clue once he's satisfied. For "Organ to Grind," the racers have to find one of three giant street organs the size of hot dog trucks on one of three bridges. Then one racer will operate the crank while the other works to collect a total of 30 Euro in tips.
The Chippendales decide to go with the latter task because if there's anything these two are experts on, it's grinding. Jaymes looks at where the clue says "Caution: U-Turn Ahead" and says they might just run past it. The Amazing Editors react to this remark as though Jaymes just contemplated punching a baby.
Trey & Lexi find and board a boat, and Jaymes & James disembark from theirs elsewhere. Jaymes has already gone to work as soon as he's on dry land, telling some bystanders, "Hello! We're going to go play some music, you want to come tip us?" Never too soon to build an audience, I suppose. They quickly get to a single spot on the street where they can see all three organs on all three bridges -- which means they're pretty close together -- and Jaymes decides to go with the one that looks like it's in the busiest spot. Can't argue with that. Jaymes has James turn the crank while he starts working for tips, haranguing passersby for Euros. That seems to be the correct division of labor given what a motormouth Jaymes is. He does have a couple before too long, but his percentage of hits is not very high. Not sure whether that's a function of the local audience or the fact that he's approaching absolutely everyone.
Trey & Lexi are brought to the pastry boat, and while enjoying their treats, they agree to do the organ grinder task as well. They also agree that the Chippendales had better U-Turn Abbie & Ryan like they all planned. "I would be so mad at them if they didn't," Lexi says. I can't even imagine what an angry Lexi would look like. Do you think she would stop smiling?
Jaymes is still shaking down Dutch folks, and they're up to 14 Euros when the crowd suddenly dies down, probably with the end of the lunch rush. So they take off their shirts and throw on their Chippendale cuffs and collars to try to attract a little more attention. I'm a little disappointed to see that these operate with Velcro. Seems a little less classy somehow, not to mention that they don't work as well with cargo shorts. Still, they're soon gaining not only attention but "donations." And then a grandmother with two tots in a stroller hands Jaymes ten Euro, and just like that they're done, in second place. Their clue is another Route Info, as they're told to go to Museum Geelvinck, where they'll have to search the lovely courtyard garden for their clue. In fact, it's so nice back there I wouldn't be surprised if someone decides to bag the race and hang out for a while.
Abbie & Ryan seem to have barely arrived at the Amsterdam airport when Josh & Brent's plane lands as well. The two teams actually run into each other inside the terminal. "They're the only racers we've seen on the last three or four legs," Josh interviews, which is one of the saddest things I've heard this whole season. Unless they decide to go back to that stupid "racing together" thing, in which case that will be one of the saddest things I've heard this whole season.
For now, they stand around the baggage carousels together rather than hurrying to the train. "It's an odd thing that Ryan and Abbie and we have been the last two teams and yet we're not competitive with each other," Josh interviews reflectively. "And yet we both know that one of us is gonna have to lose." That's because everyone assumes it's going to be you, Sunshine. Sure enough, Ryan interviews that this is because the goat farmers are not a threat because they seem "resigned" to the fact that this is as far as they're going. Uh, do you think the goat farmers know that, you arrogant dickweed? I think anybody who was starting to feel bad about their airline problems probably just stopped.
Jaymes & James hunt the grounds for the clue, and given that it's a giant U-Turn sign that dwarfs some of the trees, it's not hard to find. "This is a Double U-Turn," Phil says in his museum-voice, reminding us that this gives two teams the opportunity to slow down two other teams. In an interview, Jaymes reminds us of the plan that was agreed upon by the three lead teams back at the Moscow airport. But confronted in this moment by the actual sign, Jaymes says he doesn't want to play dirty and mean. We leave them at this moment of indecision. Well, someone's going to be pissed at them either way because that's how this works. You want it to be a team nobody likes, or two teams who have a history of ripping people off? I thought so.
But finally, after the ads, Jaymes concludes, "What means the most to me is to be able to go home after this and be able to take care of my family." And thus they U-Turn Abbie & Ryan. James seems fine with it, but Jaymes says he feels bad. "We don't know if we can beat y'all for the million, and we need it more than you guys do. Sorry," he explains to the camera. So they open their clue, telling them to take a bus to Ransdorp and "search the marked field to find your clue." Jaymes still feels guilty as they head back through the garden, but he interviews, "Ryan and Abbie are the strongest team here. And if we're going to bring the million dollars home to our families, we can't have Ryan and Abbie here." I actually appreciate that he's owning it rather than trying to blame it on the other teams. James tells Jaymes that it's part of the game, but agrees that they'll hate them. Not that he seems too broken up about it. I totally agree with everything Jaymes is saying, except the part about how Team Grabbie is the strongest team. That hasn't been the case for a while now.
Brent spots the clue outside Central Station for the two trailing teams, and they agree to stick together all the way to the dock. Yep, we're back to The Amazing Suicide Pact.
Trey & Lexi hop off their boat and quickly find the organ grinder. As with the Chippendales, the division of labor is another no-brainer. "Who doesn't like a pretty girl?" Trey asks, indicating his girlfriend before getting to work at the crank. Depends on the girl, would be my answer.
The Chippendales' bus has brought them out to the country, and they soon find the marked field, which includes a water-filled ditch. Jaymes recognizes what's going on from a season, and indeed, Phil appears to the ditch -- which is being pole-vaulted across by locals in orange t-shirts as he says, "These muddy ditches are the location of a classic Amazing Race Roadblock where teams went ditch-vaulting." There's a flashback to whatever season that was (which I must have missed entirely, because the old man crashing into the muddy bank in his underwear is someone I've never seen before and could have done without seeing just now), and Phil says that after they've done it, they'll pick up a pair of wooden shoes telling them where the Pit Stop is. He holds up a pair of yellow clogs with the words "Behind the church in Ransdorp is the house rumored to be that of Rembrandt's mistress" painted across the instep. Poor Rembrandt, he can't get a piece on the side without the national footwear advertising it, for God's sake. One of the vaulters takes them from Phil, tosses them across the ditch, and vaults back across, which Phil says the racers will have to likewise do. "Easy," he says confidently in a rare bit of editorializing.
James joins the vaulters at the ditch while Jaymes watches from the road. "All you need is courage," one of the locals tells James. He seems a little short of that, watching the mud bubble up from where his pole's stuck in the water. But I suspect that courage is less vital than forward momentum and upper body strength, because he manages it on the first try while Jaymes watches from the road. James runs to the far side of the field, grabs one of several pairs of shoes from the fenceposts they're hanging from, comes back to the ditch, throws them across, and makes the return vault -- landing on his ass this time. But he's on the bank, so it counts. Even better, his ankle still seems to be holding up.
We catch up with Team Austin already 29 Euros into the organ grinding task, to Lexi's even-greater-than-usual excitement. They soon finish, very noisily. I seriously think Lexi was louder than the organ.
Team Grabbie and the goat farmers are rolling on the river in tandem, each talking about how happy they are to be with the other team, despite how Ryan was talking just this morning about sending Josh & Brent to the slaughter. Now if another team will just lose their passports they'll be golden.
Jaymes & James arrive at the mat, and Phil tells them they're team number two. "Today, you played the game," Phil says, seeming impressed. Jaymes says that he thinks Abbie & Ryan are the strongest team. "I just hope that we don't lose a friend." Just then the clock tower behind him tolls six o'clock, and as the camera pans up, he says, "Sign from God." Phil gives that a doubtful eyebrow, and Jaymes says he already sent a card home saying they were coming back with the million dollars. "So I gotta be a man of my word and I'm sorry, but my parents are more important to me than Abbie & Ryan." Yeah, so are everybody's parents. He gets choked up as he says he dreams about coming home with the check and saying he's got it. Only a few more legs for him and his messiah complex to go.
Back in Amsterdam, it's now raining on the river, and Ryan says, "once again our day has gone bad to worse." He doesn't know the half of it yet. They get their pastries just ahead of the Beekmans and decide to "paint." On the boat behind them, Brent tells Josh he's a good artist so they should do that one, but Josh suggests doing whatever Team Grabbie decides to do. So it'll be win-win, then. But on the boat ahead, Abbie reads to Ryan from their brand-new clue, "Caution: U-Turn ahead." In an interview, Ryan says they can hope for a Double U-Turn. "Those top three teams are not going to U-Turn each other, so there should be U-Turn available. We could use it on the Beekmans." Yeah, except that the top three teams have thought of that already, and two of them hate your ass.
Trey & Lexi get to the U-Turn, and are relieved to see that Jaymes & James U-Turned Abbie & Ryan just like they were supposed to. So they U-Turn the Chippendales, effectively flushing the other half of the U-Turn down the toilet. "Abbie & Ryan are gonna be so pissed," Trey says as they run down the street to the stop. Lexi just cackles as Trey adds, "And that puts smiles on our faces." I'm just amazed that in one season we saw both the worst use ever of a double U-Turn and the best.
The last two teams trudge through what is now pouring rain to a church where the Rembrandt scowl-alike is standing dourly in a doorway. Inside, they find the huge Night Watch mural, labeled costumes waiting for them, and of course someone playing the church's organ at full volume because there can't be a moment on this show without some form of overwrought music happening. Soon the four of them are costumed in the period clothes being sported by characters in the painting, complete with facial hair. They proceed to a large curtained-off space with two large staging areas and two full casts of the painting. Both teams get to work telling their people where to go. Nobody tells Ryan where to go, but he'll be there soon enough anyway.
In Ransdorp, Lexi hollers at a nervous Trey, "Go for it!" Trey's worried about falling into the ditch, but Lexi just bellows, "Hurry, I'm cold!" Trey goes for it and makes it across, much to his own surprise. Their clogs and then Trey himself make it back across without incident.
The two teams still in Amsterdam have their actors in position, and after a little posing, Abbie & Ryan have their clue in fourth place. Rembrandt also approves the goat farmers' work, and soon both teams are on their way to Museum Geelvinck and their appointment with destiny. Or, more accurately, Abbie & Ryan's appointment with a thorough ass-reaming.
At the Pit Stop, both Phil and the greeter are holding umbrellas against the rain as Phil tells Trey & Lexi they are team number three. No surprise there.
Team Grabbeekman gets to Museum Geelvinck, and soon Abbie & Ryan find the U-Turn. Which of course is all used up, per the plan. "We're done. We're done!" Abbie says, just like Ryan said back in Frankfurt. So now that they've both said it, it must be official.
After the ads, Abbie interviews her disgust that it was Jaymes & James who did it, being the last team they expected. Well, not exactly, Abbie; it was a premeditated, coordinated effort, because that's how much other teams want you gone. At the sign, Brent pipes up that they thought Abbie & Ryan would U-Turn them and they'd still do it together. "It's not available," Ryan says. They head off after getting hugs from the goat farmers, who feel bad for their allies in loserdom as they open their clue. "Game over," Abbie says as they leave the museum. Brent reads from the clue, "After six PM you may take a taxi," so I guess the buses don't run to Ransdorp this late. Josh is actually wondering what to do, like it's a challenging dilemma, and "what we need to do to be true to ourselves." Get your asses to the Pit Stop, dummy. Brent wonders if they're supposed to sit and wait for Ryan and Abbie to finish, and Josh says they could help them do it. Which is sweet, but pathetic. Team Grabbie is agreeing that there's no point and they're over it, but apparently they're going to pout their way to the end anyway. "Somebody's going to have to step on the mat first," Brent reminds Josh. "Do you think that they're going to say, 'No, you guys go ahead of us?'" They're not going to do that because they're here to play the game." I was wondering when someone was going to figure that out. I just don't know that I'm relieved or disappointed that it's happening this far from the mat.
Team Grabbie finds the street organ, which is mostly draped in tarps and clear plastic sheeting against the rain, and Ryan starts cranking while Abbie desperately dances for the sparse traffic. In the cab to Ransdorp, Josh is saying, "everybody wants them out of the race because they want to keep us in the race because we're not the strongest competitors." "Well, then we should just prove them wrong them," Brent says gently. "Can we prove them wrong?" Josh doesn't seem convinced they're doing the right thing. Are we sure they came here through Oslo and not Stockholm? Because Josh appears to have a wicked case of that syndrome.
Abbie seems to be getting into the task, dancing for and occasionally with passing locals. One woman in a green rain jacket makes Abbie do several turns with her before announcing, "I'm going to make it so you're done." So after giving her a big hug, Abbie goes from 24 Euros to 30 while Ryan keeps cranking and glowering, clearly unaware of the moving scene currently transpiring on the other side of the organ from him. But then he gives their benefactor a hug as well, and Abbie gives her another, even longer one, crying on her shoulder and everything. And then Abbie and Ryan hug each other. Less hugging, more racing, you two. There's still a non-elimination leg left.
Josh & Brent arrive in the field, and Brent says this one is Josh's turn. But running to the ditch in the wet grass, he slips and hurts his ankle. "Walk it off, walk it off!" Brent hollers sympathetically. Josh stands on the bank for a moment, resigned to the fact that he's going to get wet, but he makes it across, although that landing couldn't have been good for his ankle. I don't know why so few teams can hold onto a full set of working legs this season. Too bad Amy & Daniel didn't last longer, you know? The shoes make it back across, and on Josh's return vault he almost comes up short, but manages to grab a handful of grass and hauls himself onto the bank without toppling back into the water. "I'll massage your foot all night," Brent promises as Josh limps back with the clogs. Thanks for that image.
Abbie & Ryan return to the U-Turn sign, currently and decisively in last place, and sadly wander off to get a taxi. They're soon in a cab in the failing light, with leisure to bitch about the betrayal of the Chippendales. Ryan says, "It speaks volumes about them and how they'll establish relationships and friendships and then stab you in the back." Apart from everything else wrong with that comment, no one stabbed you in the back, Ryan. They'd have to be behind you to do that.
Josh & Brent make it to the mat as team number four, "Which means you are still in the race," Phil says. "I can't say you look exactly happy about the idea of being team number four," he observes. Josh says they hated to leave Abbie and Ryan behind, so Phil kindly offers to eliminate these two instead. But Josh has finally come to his senses enough to decline, though not as forcefully as Brent does. "We believe that the person who deserves to win the race will win the race," says Brent, clearly a new viewer. "And if was Ryan and Abbie's time to go, then that's what happened, and we're still in it, and we're still running. We're going hard right to the end." "Promise?" Phil asks. Brent promises Phil, and asks Josh to promise him, which Josh does. I'm not sure I buy it. But did you see how I didn't touch that "going hard right to the end" line?
Ryan shoes up at the ditch and asks, "Is there a demonstration?" As a near-final humiliation, on top of everything else he's suffered today, he lands waist-deep in the water on his first attempt. And his second. The "strongest team," ladies and gentlemen. From the sidelines, Abbie runs down the litany of the day's frustrations: "From getting to a flight thirty minutes early and them closing the doors on us for no reason to sitting on the tarmac and a plane basically breaking down today, it's like we can't catch a break." Ryan's third attempt gets his feet just barely on the bank, and he pushes back on the pole behind him to get his balance onto land. "And then the topper was our friends U-Turning us," Abbie concludes. "It sucks." Ryan manages to get back onto the right side of the ditch, and they jog through town to the mat, where it's getting dark enough that crickets are chirping and owls are hooting. I can't read the clock tower behind them because it's not fully in the shot, but it looks like it might be after ten PM already. At least it's stopped raining, though, not that it does Ryan any good, standing there before Phil and the Dutch milkmaid in his wet pants as the final-final humiliation.
Phil tells them they're the last team to arrive, "And I'm very sorry to tell you that you have been eliminated from the race." Abbie's eyes water, and Phil asks, "Ryan, you got nothing to say?" Ryan: "Herp." Eloquent. Abbie says they just wanted to make it, and Ryan says he doesn't know what to say. "You never get a chance like this. It's not only once in a lifetime, it's once in a hundred lifetimes." He interviews, "The Chippendales cost me two million dollars." I'm sure he's not the first. "Just thinking about how much money that really is, it's life-changing. It sucks, it's a bad feeling... I don't feel like we accomplished what we set out to accomplish." Since that was winning nine legs in one race, I would have to agree. But at least they finished nine legs, which is something. "It just feels wrong, it doesn't feel right." Well, the cheery organ-grinder music that plays over the closing credits right after they leave the mat would seem to indicate that there might be those who disagree. Coincidentally, that's an old beer-hall song of celebration whose title translates roughly to "We Just Saved a Million Dollars."
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at M.Giant[at]gmail.com.