Go Jump in a Lake

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The race continues in Malawi, but takes a two-hour bus ride to a town called Salima first. All the teams arrive together, and most of them get right to work carrying fish-toting passengers on bicycle taxis to different addresses. It doesn't go smoothly for almost anyone; Laurence and Sandy get lost, Andy breaks his bicycle, Cathi has her usual balance issues, Marcus and Amani are still doing their Speed Bump (a large wooden version of a child's sliding-tile puzzle), and Jennifer forgot her clue back at the Roadblock's starting point. As a result, Cindy finishes first, so Team Control leads the way to Lake Malawi. This beautiful place is the site of the Detour, where teams can either paddle cumbersome dugout canoes out into the lake and back, or wade out to a ferry to unload a bunch of different stuff, including humans. Most everyone selects the former, but they have different degrees of success. Ernie and Cindy, who quickly learn that they aren't going to be good at this, decide it's time to use their Express Pass. Because why not save it until you can use it to not lose the whole race when you can throw it away now to try to win one leg? Some running around on the beaches in search of a Route Info (where a fancy new interactive Double U-Turn sign awaits) and the Pit Stop ensues, but even though Ernie and Cindy have a substantial lead, this leg ends in a long footrace that Andy and Tommy win by a whisker. And thus is another Express Pass wasted.

Further back in the field, grandparents Bill and Cathi score a third-place finish simply by not screwing up and working well together. Amani and Marcus don't finish their Speed Bump quickly, but make up for it with how quickly Marcus does the Roadblock, and they become the only team to unload the ferry (with Marcus carrying the people), making enough of a recovery to end in fourth place. Laurence and Zac, who you'd think would do really well at a rowing task (or maybe you would have thought that, once upon a time), decide they'll need to U-Turn somebody, so they ding Amani and Marcus, unaware that Team NFL is actually ahead of them at the time. They straggle in as the fifth place team. Jeremy and Sandy continue to operate like the well-sanded machine they are, struggling with the canoe and coming close to losing the whole thing. But what loses this leg is Jennifer's indecision when she realizes she doesn't have the clue with her. Rather than going back for it, which would have been the right thing to do and would have cost her no time, she stands around indefinitely waiting for another team, a mistake from which the siblings never recover. But at least they're getting along at the end of their race, so maybe the Elimination Station won't see too much bickering from them.

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"Malawi is known as the warm heart of Africa," Phil says, as the cameras rip it, still beating, out of the continent's chest and show it to us. Not really, but with all the b-roll they're showing it kind of feels that way. "This tiny nation is a major player in the world's tobacco trade," he adds, and welcomes us back to the most recent Pit Stop, Kulambi Village just outside the capital city of Lilongwe. We see teams after the end of the leg, still carrying their own beds, believe it or not, and moving them into thatched-roof huts that cluster around the clearing. How are the racers reacting to this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity? Well, Jennifer whines, "Are we really sleeping here tonight?" Sandy thinks she and Jeremy will kill each other in their small space. Or in a large space, you never know. The snowboarders, always looking on the bright side, are happy to get mattresses. Ernie and Cindy, however, aren't exactly jazzed to be settling into what she calls "home sweat home." They do a little low-key complaining about the comforts of home right here in Malawi, like the mosquito netting, the straw roof, and the thin foam-rubber mattresses. Oh, quit your bitching, it's not like this is something you would have done on your own.

But as far as "spending the night," it doesn't look like that's entirely the case. It's still dark outside at 5:28 AM when Andy and Tommy exhale visible breath-clouds into the predawn darkness. I guess Africa's heart is only warm when the sun is up. The first clue of the day is sending them by bus (which looks like it's going to be very crowded) to the town of Salima, two hours away, where they'll get their clue off a human clue box at the bus station. "Caution, Double U-Turn ahead," the clue also warns, because audiences have been clamoring to bring that back. As the snowboarders run for the fleet of taxis that are apparently ready and waiting overnight every night outside Kulambi Village, Tommy recalls the end of the last leg when they went from second to first place as a result of "the classic 'however.'" Montage of Phil "however"ing them three times (so far), and then they say that although they were flying below the radar early on, they're on the radar now. Hell, they are the radar.

Justin and Jennifer, starting in second place again, open their clue at 5:39 AM, with the sky starting to lighten behind them. Justin tells us about how he came out to Jennifer a few years ago, which I guess is his way of coming out to us. I hope that's not why they fight so much. Fortunately, Justin says she's supportive and she says he's amazing and strong. And they're being that nice to each other this early in the morning, no less. This can only mean they're hours from being tragically killed.

Jeremy and Sandy are right behind them in third, leaving at 5:40 AM. The allowance for this leg? One dollar. Make it count, guys. Laurence and Zac start out in fourth place, at 5:41 AM. Laurence interviews that they're competitive, and they'll U-Turn someone if they need to in order to stay in the race. But that's just it: you can't U-Turn someone to save yourself, because you're already ahead of them. If you could use the U-Turn to reel someone back who's already gone on ahead of you that would be one thing, but U-Turning is by definition screwing somebody else more than it's helping yourself. Do it if you want to, but don't lie to us about why you're doing it.

The sun's up by the time the snowboarders get to the Lilongwe Bus Station and learn that the bus leaves at 7:00, and they'll buy their tickets on the bus. After we see that, Ernie and Cindy are the fifth team to start the leg, at 5:44 AM, which tells us it's a pretty short cab ride to the bus station: fifteen minutes or so, assuming we're seeing events in the proper sequence. Cindy interviews that Andy and Tommy are now the team to beat, if only she and Ernie can stop making so many mistakes. I think we're all looking forward to seeing that...week. In the cab to the bus station, Ernie suggests using the Express Pass to jump ahead. Can you use an Express Pass on a U-Turn? We may find out later.

Grandparents Bill and Cathi are mock-shivering, or maybe just straight-up shivering, as they open their clue at 5:47, in sixth place. By the time Amani and Marcus open their clue, it's 6:07 AM and full daylight. So even though they were already dragging their beds up the village path when the grandparents passed them after coming back to pay their driver, they still made it to the mat 20 minutes later. Either those beds slowed them down a lot or that path's longer than I thought. Marcus looks at the allowance for this leg and non-sequiturs, "One dollar? What are we gonna ride, a pachyderm?" That might at least be quieter than the alarmingly squeaky wheel in their cab. In a pre-leg interview, Marcus admits to being worried about the upcoming Speed Bump they'll need to do at some point this leg as punishment for losing the last one, but his old NFL coach always told him to pay attention to the details and then the big things will take care of themselves. "So that's what we gotta do." I always kind of thought it was the other way around, but I'm not in the NFL yet.

Teams are boarding that 7:00 bus: Justin and Jennifer, Andy and Tommy, Laurence and Zac, Jeremy and Sandy, Ernie and Cindy, and Bill and Cathi. It doesn't look too comfortable in there, with way too many locals toting way too much stuff, not all of it great-smelling. By the time Amani and Marcus arrive, the bus looks pretty full and there's still a long line of people waiting to get on. But Team NFL still somehow gets seats, way at the back of the bus. Yes, that means they'll be a while getting off when they arrive, but at least they're sitting down. Given how many people seem to be standing in the aisle holding stacks of buckets on their shoulders, that's practically First Class.

The music gets pensive along the two-hour drive down the road, and so does Marcus, who gets to VO a whole long speech about his thoughts and reflections prompted by the sights of Africa from the windows. Then the bus pulls into Salima, and it's chaos all over again. Everyone has to pile off with all their shit, into an equally chaotic scene at the terminal. Among the many sellers hawking their wares is a local guy bearing a big Speed Bump sign on a pole with Amani and Marcus's picture on it, like just another vendor. Needless to say it's one of the fresher signs in sight. Andy and Tommy are the first to get off the bus and find the woman with the regular clues, who's carrying them in a platter on her head under large cabbage leaves and a loaf of bread, as you do. After they open the clue, here's Phil to explain that in this Roadblock, one of them will need to use a bike taxi to ferry a fish-toting passenger to one of three addresses "written on the fish." Actually it's a tag that's attached to the fish. Have you ever tried to write on a fish? They don't like it. No wonder paper was invented. After making the drop-off, they'll bike back to the dispatcher and hand over the cash they earned from the trip. By the time Phil's done explaining this, racers are boarding the bikes. Laurence, Jennifer, Cindy (who doesn't enjoy getting close enough to the fish to read her address), Andy, Cathi and Sandy are doing this, and they hop on their bikes with the passengers behind them, pedaling right into traffic. Each of them gets a subtitle with their name in some ersatz "African" font to a little icon of a fish. I'm glad to say that Cathi's poor balance doesn't betray her at a moment when a large truck is passing closely by her.

Amani and Marcus, already the last team off the bus, now have to do the Speed Bump. You know those cheap little slide puzzles with the little plastic tiles? There's one tile missing inside the frame, and then you slide the other tiles around to arrange them in the correct order to show a picture, or numbers or letters in order? Basically they have to do a larger, wooden version of that with Malawi's new flag on it, and that's their Speed Bump. They even get a real flag to use as the model. And it only has eleven tiles (three rows and four columns), so this is way easier than the one my dad brought from the airport with the alphabet on it when I was four. That thing ruled. Crap, I'm having a Proust-Madeleine moment right now, and I'm on deadline. Must focus. Amani gets right to work on it with Marcus kibitzing.

Ferrying his bike-taxi passenger through town, Andy tells us that this is nothing new for him; in fact, he used to balance passengers on the back and the handlebars of his bike when he was a kid. Wonder how many he lost. Sandy is following Laurence, who doesn't know where he's going either. "Right now it's like finding a hair on an elephant's butt," he says. Colorful. Even more colorfully, he says the bike saddle was hard enough to "crush your ____ in a heartbeat if you got the wrong bump." Sandy suggests they work together to find where they're supposed to go. That'll work, as long as they both have the same destination.

Jennifer is getting directions from locals, as is Cathi, who nearly spills her passenger. Good call, giving the bike task to the racer with no balance, but I guess Bill's running out of Roadblocks. Cindy comes off a little judgmental about the kids who aren't in school (maybe it starts after 9:30 in the morning there, lady) and calls Malawi more "primitive" and "less developed" than other African countries she's been to. Way to take advantage of that warm heart, but at least she's not going on about "ghetto Africa." She's also frustrated at how few people seem to speak English even though it's supposedly the country's "official language," which makes getting directions a little tricky. Amani and Marcus, meanwhile, are getting closer on their eleven-tile puzzle, even though they don't know it. Actually, I don't know it either. Maybe they're not. It's so hard to tell on those things until you're three moves away.

Andy's close to his destination when his bike makes a loud clank and he looks down. "My crank just broke," he says. After coasting to the side of the road, it turns out that he pedaled so hard he broke a pin that was holding the whole assembly together. The Amazing Race really needs better bikes this season.

Cindy is the first to drop off her passenger and get a hundred kwacha for her trouble before turning around and heading back. That's about two cents, which makes it seem a little rich when Cindy's fish icon is replaced with a dollar-sign icon to the sound of a cash register. And Amani and Marcus are stuck on their puzzle. The trick to this is when you hit a dead end, just do some random, counterintuitive shuffling, and after you're done, you're usually closer to the solution than you were before. They certainly can't get much farther.

Andy begs a bolt off some locals by the side of the road, and after getting some help hammering it in, he's back on his way, pedaling slower now so as not to break it again. Laurence and Sandy stop for directions and are pointed "two kilometers that way." Laurence encourages Sandy as they get started pedaling in that direction. He's nicer about it than Jeremy usually is, though.

Andy's bike holds together long enough to get him to his destination, with Cathi arriving close behind. So for future reference, an Olympic snowboarder with a broken pedal can carry a man on his bicycle slightly faster than a 62-year-old woman. "You will pay me," she instructs, and gets her cash. Cindy arrives back at the dispatcher's shack asking, "Who's the main dude?" and is a little surprised to learn she was the first to finish. They get their clue from the dispatcher, and it's a Detour. Suddenly Phil is walking along to a fleet of dugout canoes beached on the shore of a lake. He tells us, "Lake Malawi has more species of freshwater fish than any other lake in the world, and is the lifeblood for millions of people." Thus both Detour options are about the lake. In "Dugout," they "participate in the Lake Malawi Dugout Canoe Race, Amazing Race-style." Or, as the phrase "Amazing Race-style" usually indicates, not at all. In a nod to Malawi's long cultural traditions dating back thousands of years, there are hand-painted banners advertising this as the twelfth iteration of this annual event. What the Amazing Racers will need to do is paddle one of the dugout canoes out to some other boats in the lake manned by drummers, circle around them and then paddle back to get their clue from a man on the beach. For "Lugout," they wade out to a ferry and help unload cargo: two boxes of cabbage, two bundles of sugar cane, two bundles of brooms, a chair, a fan and eight adult human beings "who expect to stay dry." Upon finishing, they'll get their clue from a porter, who I'm sure will be glad to hand it over in exchange for having that much of his work done for him. Team Control goes with Dugout.

Andy arrives back at the dispatcher and gets his clue, even though he's bringing his bike back broken. They're also doing Dugout, and in the cab to the lake, Tommy tells Andy that Ernie and Cindy are the only ones ahead of them.

Amani seems to be closing in on solving the puzzle, and finally gets it done. Now they can go get the clue for the Road Block. Marcus is doing this one, and he says he trained for the race by biking uphill with eighty-pound sandbags. As you do. Jennifer is the to finish her delivery, but then she says, "Oh, crap." She realizes that she gave Justin her clue, so she has no idea what to do . Well, I would advise her to return to Justin and get it, which after all would not take her too far out of her way. But instead, she stands looking around in confusion while locals watch her and wait for her to do something. Unfortunately for everyone concerned, they're going to be waiting a while.

Laurence and Sandy arrive and make their deliveries. Fortunately they are indeed supposed to have gone to the same address. Sandy suggests they return together as well, so they don't forget the way. Cathi finishes the Roadblock , so she and Bill are in third place. Marcus is pedaling along a road, worried about the language barrier, but a passing motorist assures him he's going the right way. Laurence returns in fourth place and decides he and Zac are doing Dugout, with Sandy right behind him. "We went so far out of our way," Sandy explains to Jeremy. Once they're in the cab to the lake, Sandy exhaustedly explains the challenge of what she just finished: "Nobody spoke English and I'm not gonna be able to have kids." Jeremy laughs, either at her deadpan delivery or in relief.

Justin and Amani are still waiting for their partners to return, while Jennifer stands around as if waiting for instructions to fall from the sky. When they fail do so, she finally decides to return to the main road to see what she can see. Yes, do that, and then ride it back to Justin. In the meantime, Marcus has delivered his fish-toting passenger and heads back, so as long as Jennifer stands there paralyzed by indecision, he's not really in last place any more.

Team Control and the snowboarders arrive at the scenic path down to the even more scenic lake in first and second place respectively. They reach the shore, which is a very busy scene, with lots of singers and drummers and kids and fish being fried. They run past all this to one of the dugout canoes, which are basically hollowed-out logs and thus way too heavy for them to easily slide into the water. Also, the gunwales look less than a foot away from each other, so any thought of settling into the canoe like an open-topped aluminum model back home is out of the question. You don't sit in these so much as on them. Ernie and Cindy soon find themselves in trouble with the steering of the craft, which rides so high in the water they spend most of their time skidding around sideways. Meanwhile, Andy and Tommy are so unchallenged they have time to admire the vast lake. The far shore isn't even visible, which, given that Lake Malawi runs almost the entire length of the country, isn't all that surprising.

Marcus finishes the Roadblock in sixth place and rejoins Amani, who's pretty excited to see him before Jennifer shows up. They grab a taxi to do Lugout, because apparently they didn't get enough of carrying heavy things yesterday. "We gotta go fast, like your momma's in the hospital and you gotta get there," Amani tells the cabdriver. Justin? Still waiting. "As soon as she gets here, we'll move on as well," he narrates, like they have other options. She's just wheeling her bike around the neighborhood of her delivery spot, asking bystanders, "Have you seen any other Americans?" She tells us that all she can do is wait for another team to show up. She's in for a long wait, if that's her plan. Long dissolve shots of her standing in the middle of the road, baking in the sun, paralyzed by fear of doing the wrong thing. Which, ironically, is exactly what she's doing. Finally, after an unknown amount of time that even includes a commercial break, Jennifer decides to just return the bicycle and hope for the best. Which is the best solution no matter what, and has been for quite a while now.

Out on the lake, Ernie and Cindy are still sliding around on the lake while Andy and Tommy scoot on ahead. So Team Control decides that this is indeed the time to use their Express Pass. What? Who the hell uses an Express Pass in second place? Apparently their thinking is that if someone U-Turns them it'll be a wash. Ernie jumps out and drags the boat back to shore with Cindy in it, and they collect their clue from the guy on the beach. This clue tells them to find a place called "Jamaica Shop," and they're in a big hurry to get there. Andy and Tommy, meanwhile, have reached the drummer's canoes in the lake. After they paddle around, one of the drummers jumps in the lake, and although the snowboarders are tempted to join them for a swim, they still have a long paddle back, and they are nothing if not responsible.

Bill and Cathi arrive at the festive scene on the lakeshore and get into a canoe. Surprisingly, she doesn't tip it immediately. Since she's in front, Bill wisely tells her she can just paddle on one side. "My butt's gonna be so sore," he says, like he was the one who rode a bike with a wooden seat today. Laurence and Zac jump onto a canoe with Zac in back. Laurence starts barking orders like the coxswain he used to be, but immediately gets frustrated and flustered with trying to communicate his intentions to Zac, who keeps calm and tries to do what his dad says, if only his dad would say it clearly instead of babbling incoherently. Jeremy is also frustrated with Sandy, who he says is in control of the turning. What the fuck did you put her in the back for then, genius? The front of the canoe is for steering and the muscle goes in back. Even I know that and I haven't been in a canoe since I had muscles.

Cindy is asking their taxi driver if he knows where the Jamaica Shop is. "I would go ask," he suggests. Helpful. Meanwhile, the snowboarders are quickly returning to the shore while Team Control casts around the lakeshore area with increasing desperation, looking for someone who knows where they need to go. Marcus is in the cab with Amani, insisting that they need to start thinking, "Our time is now." Too bad they're so far back in the pack during their time, then. He even yells at some farm animals in the road up ahead, "Gotta move, goat! Move, goat!" The goats move when the driver blasts his horn. Marcus appreciates the driver doing that, and compares it to his own approach when playing football. Has he still not said anything to the other racers about having been in the NFL? And if not, how?

Bill and Cathi reach the drummers offshore, and Bill says that after almost fifty years together, they work well as a team. Cathi agrees that they don't argue or blame, "And that's how you get it done quickly." I agree, and not just because I'm in a hurry to finish this recap; as an example of how arguing and blaming slows teams down, here's Jeremy, angrily trying to explain to Sandy how to operate her paddle while she tells him to stop yelling at her, like he apparently said he would yesterday. Bill and Cathi pass them coming back, and Jeremy grumps, "This is embarrassing." Yeah, getting passed by the sexagenarians for the second day in a row. "They're just cool and calm and we're not," Sandy interviews while Jeremy looks rueful. "Once again, they just put us to shame." No, you guys did that yourselves.

Justin, still waiting for Jennifer, is starting to worry that maybe she hurt herself or something. Given how well Phil keeps up to date with the goings-on during legs, I think someone in the crew would have alerted him if that were the case. At least she's pedaling back now. "Justin, I need the clue!" she brays frustratedly at him as she rolls up, like this is his fault. Justin thinks he doesn't have it, which looks like it's going to be a whole other hairball, but when she insists that she gave it to him along with everything else, he quickly digs it out of the Amazing Purse. They get their clue from the dispatcher, Justin gives her some water, and she apologizes. "I was worried you were hurt," she says. Jennifer admits she should have just ridden right back. Hard to disagree with that. I've been actively not disagreeing with that this whole time.

Ernie and Cindy have found some building marked "Reception," and the woman inside directs them to Chigumukile Village, "Just down the stairs." They head back out to find someone to ask.

Andy and Tommy paddle past the finish line and flip off their canoe into the water before wading ashore to get their clue. Then they run up along the beach with the lake on their left, with a whole crowd of kids following happily. It looks like just about the best time you can have not knowing where you're going. Ernie and Cindy come to a narrow opening in a bamboo fence and run through it, where they soon encounter the snowboarders and join the crowd running around with no apparent direction. I guess someone's bound to find something this way eventually. Finally Cindy spots a beach shack with "Jamaica Shop" painted under the open front window. Now here's Phil, standing to a big, fancy new Double U-Turn sign that...you know, I have no idea how they get that thing on a plane. It's got four interactive touchscreens on it, and a big, 3-D segment of road kinked into an imposing U and somehow attached to the bright-yellow road-sign diamond that's absolutely huge in its own right. No wonder they ditched the clue boxes if they were going to have to tote this monstrosity around the world. A less secure man than Phil probably would have refused to share the screen with it. But to the distracting edifice, Phil says this is a chance for two teams to slow down two other teams by making them go back and do the other Detour option. Team Control is passing up the opportunity. "I don't like being mean-spirited," Ernie explains. They get their clue, which is sending them to the Pit Stop, Sunbird Livingstonia Beach. Phil drops a little more science on us about Lake Malawi, which was nicknamed the Lake of Stars by the explorer Dr. Livingston. In turn, the first hotel ever built on the shore of the lake was named after him: the "Sunbird Livingstonia." I didn't know that was his first name. The sprawling white compound encircling Phil as he stands on the beach must be the hotel. "The last team to check in here may be eliminated," he says. After three non-elimination legs in six episodes, they damn well better be. Ernie and Cindy decide to go find their backpacks. That's probably a good step.

The snowboarders show up at Jamaica Shop , and also decide not to U-Turn anyone. They head back to find their stuff at a dead run. "We can take them," one of them says. So it's going to be a footrace.

Marcus and Amani show up at the beach, and Marcus takes the time to join in with a little drumming while Amani rolls up her pants and wades right in. The boats are a fair distance out, but Team NFL is only hip-deep by the time Marcus arrives at the stern of one to take on his first passenger. Amani takes a chair and an electric fan, which she hasn't delivered by the time Marcus drops off his first human and heads back out.

Ernie and Cindy are back asking their driver, G, for directions to the Sunbird Livingstonia. He sends them hoofing it up a dirt road. "That seems like a very far run," Cindy says. Andy and Tommy do the same thing, but by the time they're on the road, Team Control is out of sight. They'll be tough to catch...maybe.

Justin and Jennifer are in the last-place cab to the Detour, and Jennifer's blaming herself. Justin says he's just glad Jennifer's okay and they're still in it. "We just have to keep running, and when we get to the mat, find out, you know, what place we're in." If nothing else, Justin's affinity for planning the move remains solid.

Bill and Cathi make it back to shore, and Cathi bows to the cheering kids. Off to search for Jamaica Shop. Laurence and Zac have reached the small flotilla offshore and paddle around. Marcus is delivering his second passenger while Amani schleps two shoulders' worth of sugar cane stalks. He tells her to dig, but admits that he's getting tired too. When he gets back to the boat, he asks if there are any babies to be brought ashore this time. Alas, no. And if there were, they'd probably be in the arms of a grown-up that Marcus would have to carry as well.

Ernie and Cindy are moving as fast as they can up the road, given that Ernie has both their packs on his back and Cindy seems to have a cramp. They're aware that Andy and Tommy are somewhere behind them, and probably gaining. The snowboarders are indeed running for it. Ernie tries to hurry Cindy along, while the snowboarders settle into a slow but steady running pace. Team Control is still in the lead when they walk through the gate to Sunbird Livingstonia Beach. But the run isn't over, and Tommy, thinking he sees Cindy up ahead, tells Andy to speed up "a hair." Team Control is running now too, although the gap is narrowing enough that we can see both teams in a long panning shot. Cut to Phil, standing in front of the mat on the beach to a greeter who's wearing his hair in a dozen or so long, narrow braids that protrude perpendicularly from his skull to a length of eight inches or more, making him look like a cross between Pinhead and Coolio. Both teams are still running, but now they're on the beach, with Team Control just barely in the lead. And...and...it's...ads.

Coming back, it's an all-out sprint to the mat. Cindy tells the snowboarders, "Please let us win, boys," which is kind of lame. Tommy gets to the mat just before Ernie, who arrives at pretty much that same time as Andy and pants, "That's so mean." Tommy compliments Ernie on his hustle and give him a hug, while Cindy limps in and collapses on the sand before crawling off into the shade like she's been gutshot. After an awkward moment to catch their breath, the greeter welcomes them to Lake Malawi. "Thank you, I like your hair," Tommy says. Phil says Andy and Tommy are team number one, and Ernie and Cindy are team number two. "Very close," he understates. Andy and Tommy win a $15,000 Discover gift card, and Ernie and Cindy win fuck-all. Phil congratulates the snowboarders on coming in first five times in seven legs, and Tommy says it was game on. "I feel a little bit bad for passing them up like that," Tommy says. Cindy, looking pretty bitter, says they thought they could win with the Express Pass. But instead they came in second, and now they don't have an Express Pass any more. In other words, I'm pretty sure they just pissed away the best chance they had to win the million dollars. In a post-leg interview, Cindy says they could have come in first three different times had they made better decisions. "And this time it was literally inches. It was there for the taking and we just couldn't pull it through." Back on the mat, Tommy says nobody was going to give it to anyone else. "It's a race and that's the name of the game." Well, it's in the name of the game.

Laurence and Zac are paddling back while Amani carries ashore a load of brooms to Marcus and his load of person. She says she's about to throw up, but he tells her he can throw up later. Laurence and Zac beach their canoe. Amani is carrying the two boxes of cabbages, which means that after this there's nothing left for them to carry ashore but people. Looks like she's either going to have to do some ferrying as well, or sit the rest of this one out. Laurence and Zac get their clue in fourth, and Laurence says, "We gotta U-Turn somebody." Well, you don't gotta.

Jeremy and Sandy finally get around the canoes in the lake. "Good job. Good steer," Jeremy says. Especially from someone in the back of the canoe.

At the beach, Bill and Cathi arrive after what must have been an equally long run for them and are welcomed to Malawi. "Can I get an appointment?" she asks the guy with the hair. Phil tells them they're team number three. And this was not a physically unchallenging leg by any means. Pretty much the only part of the whole leg that required brains was the Speed Bump. Phil tells the greeter that Bill and Cathi have been together fifty years, which means they've been dating since they were teenagers. "That's good," the greeter grins. Phil asks them their secret, and they say it's talking and communication. Phil tells them it's inspiring how they're racing around the world, "kicking some butt." I don't know if I'd go that far, but in this field, just not screwing up a lot seems to be all you need to stay in it indefinitely.

Speaking of which, Justin and Jennifer are still in the cab to the Detour, having decided on the "sea kayak." "I feel a little weak but I'm not gonna quit," Jennifer says. After that nice rest she had at her bike-taxi destination?

Marcus tramps out to the boat and gives a roar of determination, earning him a round of cheers from the passengers. He gets his last passenger, a young man with a bundle on his head, while Amani cheers him on from the shallows. Once on the sand, Marcus nearly dumps the kid on his face, but luckily the passenger keeps his feet and they get the clue sending them to Jamaica Shop, now up to fifth place. "Caution, Double U-Turn ahead," they read. Laurence and Zac are still looking for that, so Amani and Marcus find it first. They consider U-Turning someone, but after taking a long look behind them, Marcus thinks they're in good shape, so they pass up the U-Turn as well. On to find the Pit Stop. They encounter Laurence and Zac squeezing through that gap in the bamboo fence. Team Adventure reaches the U-Turn sign at last, and they use the touchscreens to...U-Turn Marcus and Amani. Oh, come on.. You know, Ernie and Cindy really don't need to be embarrassed about their mistakes as long as these two are around. Well, except tonight's mistake. They should be embarrassed about that one. Laurence and Zac get their clue in fifth place, having U-Turned a team that's ahead of them. Which, you know, doesn't work.

Jeremy and Sandy finally paddle in, thinking they're in last place even though they're only in sixth. Sandy leads them back to their taxi. The siblings are finally approaching the lake, hoping they're not too far behind. Jeremy and Sandy get directions to Jamaica Shop from their cabbie and head back down to the beach just as Justin and Jennifer are arriving, and as the siblings find the canoes and put on life vests, Team Pre-Owned still seems to be wandering around aimlessly. Justin and Jennifer get in their boat and nearly tip it over before getting back to their old bickering ways while they try to figure out how to paddle the thing. Jeremy and Sandy are still schlepping themselves back down to the beach. Justin and Jennifer are figuring out how to work together well, which is rather sadly symbolic at this late stage.

Amani and Marcus arrive at the mat in fourth place and Phil congratulates them on coming back from last even with the Speed Bump. Marcus interviews that they're figuring out what they "need to do to be pushing for the first place in each leg."

Justin and Jennifer calmly, if not competently, reach the canoes out in the lake and paddle around before heading back to the shore. But Jeremy and Sandy have already found the Jamaica shop. They see Marcus and Amani's faces on the U-Turn board, decide not to U-Turn anyone, and get their clue in sixth place. Back to pay their cabbie.

Laurence and Zac look pretty worn out (especially Laurence) when they reach the mat on the beach and Phil says they're team number five. "Ouch," Laurence says as Phil tells them they're still in it. Unfortunately he doesn't tell them they came in behind the team they U-Turned. I would have liked to see Laurence's reaction to that news.

Jennifer and Justin get back to shore, accompanied by a small fleet of other canoes. I guess the other canoeists don't really need to be out there any more, and after all they probably have to pee. The siblings look pretty sweaty as they get their clue in last place. And then Jeremy and Sandy make it to the mat as team number six. "You cut it close," Phil exaggerates. Jeremy says they're doing their best but "it's really tough. We're just trying to work together and not go in circles." And failing at both.

We skip the siblings' search for Jamaica Shop and the hotel and cut right to their arrival at the mat. Phil tells them that they're the last team to arrive and Philiminates them, to their total lack of surprise. Jennifer takes it well. "We had a good time. It would have been nice to go all the way but it was just a silly mistake on my part." Afterwards, she interviews that she'll feel guilty about this for a while, at least until they get to come back for another "Unfinished Business" season. "We've been talking about following our gut from the beginning and I didn't do that and it cost us the game." Justin says she did her best and tried really hard and they're a team, which, given how they were interacting at the beginning of the race, if this had happened then they'd be redlining the audio equipment. He adds that their relationship is stronger after a rough start to the race, but they became "a hardcore racing machine." Bold claim considering where they are right now. "Money or not, this has still been an amazing journey," Jennifer says. And now they can go home and get as far away from each other as possible.

M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at M.Giant[at]gmail.com.