In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.
All seven remaining teams take the same flight from Bangkok to Malawi, where they race to a tobacco warehouse for the Road Block. The task requires them to wheel an actual ton of tobacco through the warehouse, one 200-lb bale at a time, amid the distractions of the loud, busy workers, few of whom are making much effort to stay out of the racers' way. Despite starting the leg last, Jeremy finishes the Road Block first, followed by Ernie, Justin, and Tommy.
The stop is Memorial Tower, which is the starting point for a Detour. The choice is between going to a marketplace to sew a suit, or going to a school to make toy trucks out of milk cartons and bottle caps. While the lead teams split up for that, Laurence and Bill beat Marcus out of the Road Block. Jeremy and Sandy are also the first to finish the toy making Detour, followed by the siblings and the snowboarders, while Ernie and Cindy win the sewing Detour.
Then it's off to a furniture shop to pick up a wooden bed to schlep to the Pit Stop, which is a village at a wilderness reserve, where they'll be spending the night on the beds they brought. The snowboarders accidentally hijack Jeremy and Sandy's truck out from under them, while Marcus and Amani continue to be in last place at the end of the Detour. At the Pit Stop, everyone has to carry their beds a fair distance by hand. Still in last, Amani and Marcus's bad luck continues with a cab breakdown, while Justin and Jennifer get to the mat first. But they forgot to pay their truck driver, so for the third time, the snowboarders win a leg as a result of another team's mistake.
On the footpath, the bed-carrying proves a major challenge for Sandy, who along with Jeremy comes in right behind the siblings for the second time and also behind Bill and Cathi, who have to go back to pay their driver as well. Laurence and Zac make it in fourth, while Cindy has some highly amusing difficulties that result in Team Control coming in fifth. The race for last ends up between the retuning Bill & Cathi and Amani & Marcus, but the unladen grandparents return to the mat before Team NFL does. And it's another non-elimination leg already, so Amani and Marcus are still in it. Well, at least there won't be any non-elimination legs in the second half of the race. Right?
Want more? The full recap starts right below!"This is the Kingdom of Thailand," Phil announces over footage from all over the country, from the towering islands off Phuket to the towering skyscrapers of Bangkok. Whoa, I'm starting to write like this show. I guess Phil doesn't want to get too specific about what part of Thailand he's in, since last week's leg was pretty much evenly split between two very different parts of the country. Instead, he says, "Its diverse regions offer stunning tropical islands and ancient temples that have stood for centuries." And also the Kukrit house in Bangkok, which he says is the start of the sixth leg in a race around the world. Amani and Marcus won the leg (in fact, the happy screams they emitted after getting that news are still echoing through the garden), so they'll be leaving first, at 7:22 AM. Amani's pretty happy to read from the clue, "Fly to the warm heart of Africa [yes!], Malawi." Phil says that's more than 5,000 miles, across the Indian Ocean. After landing in Malawi, they'll need to get to a tobacco warehouse, specifically gate #7, to find their clue. As they jog off the grounds to find a cab, Marcus VOs that they have four kids, the youngest of whom is a special needs child. He adds that he's always reminding himself to be patient with her, and they need to show her the value of not giving up. Oh, and they're also very excited to be going to Africa. Seems like the Amazing Editors always go out of their way to make sure we see how much the darker-skinned racers appreciate getting to visit that continent.
Bill and Cathi, who arrived at the mat right behind Team NFL, are leaving one minute later, at 7:23. They get in a cab, and Cathi says, "Africa's just fabulous." Which makes it sound like she and Bill have already been there, even if they don't look like it.
Ernie and Cindy's departure time is 7:24, which puts them a lot closer behind the other two teams than I thought. Cindy's also excited to be going to Malawi. In a pre-race interview, Cindy says with a rueful smile that they've made a mistake in every leg save the first one. That first one is why they have an Express Pass. Ernie says mistakes are inevitable, but they can try to minimize them. Seems to me the best way to do that would be to listen to Cindy more.
Siblings Justin and Jennifer are leaving at 7:29, in a relatively distant fourth. Jennifer solo-interviews that she teaches special-ed, she would do anything for her special-ed kids, and this race is like her special-ed baby. Except The Amazing Race gets Emmys instead of Special Olympics medals. Jennifer adds, "And I'm going to do what it takes to win." As long as that doesn't include much running.
Andy has a little clue-ripping trouble as he and fellow snowboarder Tommy start their leg in fifth place, at 8:06 AM. The first taxi driver they flag down clearly has a lead foot, so they're happy about that. "Enough propane to make it to the airport?" Tommy asks as they stick their backpacks in to the tank. At least they'll serve as padding for the tank if the cab gets rear-ended. "This guy's rad, he almost got in an accident just picking us up," Andy says once they're "safely" inside.
Laurence and Zac are taking off at 8:07 AM, the sixth team to leave. The good news is that everyone's allowance for this leg is $365. Which could also be bad, because that foretells lots of taxi rides, and we know what that can do to people, especially this season. They run for a cab, and once they're on their way to the airport, Zac asks, "A bit winded, Dad?" Laurence admits to being "a bit warm."
Jeremy and Sandy are the seventh and last team to leave, at 9:22 AM. Yowch, and to think they were on the second bus into Bangkok last week. They must have lost a lot of time wandering around the city. Sandy says she and Jeremy have been dating for eight months, but were friends before that. Jeremy says that's a hard transition, from friends to dating, which makes me wonder if they were such great friends before, and adds that the race "is really to figure out what our relationship is all about." Because why not test it under realistic conditions like these? Although I'm glad to see there's at least one team not in it for the money.
Unsurprisingly, Amani and Marcus are the first to the airport, where they soon learn that it looks like everybody's going to be on the same flight. They get their tickets, and we skip right to all the teams loading their backpacks into the plane's overhead bins. "We'll all be together, one big happy racing family," Justin says. And this is not a short journey, as the Amazing Red Line goes south to Singapore before crossing the Indian Ocean to Johannesburg, where it heads north-northeast to Lilongwe, Malawi. That must have taken the better part of 24 hours. In any case, it's daylight in the bustling city, and then we see the teams emerging onto the sun-baked tarmac at Lilongwe Airport and heading off in search of taxis. Jeremy and Sandy seem to find one first, so they're soon in the lead. Justin and Jennifer are in the taxi behind them, and Jennifer says this is their first trip to Africa, so they'll be trying to take it all in. Team Control is the team to get a taxi. They've also done some homework, as Cindy tells us from their back seat that "Over 60% of the country's income comes from the sale of tobacco leaves." Way to steal Phil's line from later. Andy and Tommy are the fourth team to get a cab. Neither of them has ever been to Africa either; as Tommy explains, "There's no snow in Africa." Spoken like someone who's never snowboarded Kilimanjaro. Laurence and Zac get their cab in fifth. "And we're here in Malawi," Laurence declares from the back seat. No word on whether he remembers being here before. Amani and Marcus are in sixth place, but they're glad they're getting a chance to visit Africa, like they'd hoped. "Bill and Cathi are still behind us," Marcus says, as indeed we see the grandparents racing out of the terminal (the teams must have gotten spread out quite a bit at Customs) in last place. "We need a taxi," Cathi pants. "Yeah, it'd be easier than running," Bill agrees snarkily. They get in a cab and Cathi gets right to work befriending the driver, as she does: "We love your country already. It's very spacious." That's excellent. I used to judge high school speech tournaments, and if you couldn't think of anything positive to say to a kid, you could always go with "good eye contact." I don't know why I thought of that just now.
Jeremy and Sandy are already arriving at the warehouse, where, after driving in through Gate 7, they spot a red metal bin with yellow tape wrapped around it and a sheaf of clues inside it. Seriously, the old stand-up clue boxes must have fallen out of a plane over the ocean or something. "Roadblock: Who's ready to put up bale?" Jeremy reads from one of the clues. And then we're inside the warehouse from the first and fourth Indiana Jones movies, except all the crates have been replaced by burlap sacks and the running Russians have been replaced by running guys with green coveralls and heavily laden handcarts. Phil says the racers will "take part in production of Malawi's biggest cash crop," because it's not a locally-inspired task if it's not grossly overstated somehow. Each racer who does this will put on an orange coverall that doesn't make them look at all like escaped prisoners, and use a short-handled dolly to cart these huge bales of tobacco through the busy, labyrinthine space. And the green-clad guys who work there will not be going out of their way to make it easy. In fact, they won't be going out of anyone's way. After each racer has moved ten 200-lb bales to the drop-off lanes, he'll be given his clue. And no, I didn't bother to make that sentence gender-neutral. In fact, this is a good one for the twins to have been eliminated right before, I'm thinking. Sandy gives this one to Jeremy, duh, and he climbs into his orange coverall. It also comes with a wide-brimmed, black cloth hat, so maybe he won't get shot by the police while he's running around all over the place. He reads the instructions to choose a handcart and move bales from the grading area to the holding area at Shed 19-G. Oh, is that all?
Justin and Jennifer are arriving outside, with Team Control right behind them. Justin and Ernie will be doing this, of course. Jeremy's getting underway, and after interviewing post-leg that it was hard work, we hear Sandy in real time supportively saying, "Jeremy doesn't know what he's doing." Jennifer and Cindy run to join her at the waiting area while Justin and Ernie get to work. Justin soon finds himself colliding in the narrow aisle with the real workers. "We're in a madhouse in a warehouse," Sandy says. But at least it's not the entire workforce racing around the place; there's a large group of them singing and dancing on stacks of bales like they're auditioning to perform with Paul Simon. Jeremy's having a great time as he hurries to deliver his first bale. Ernie cuts a corner too close and nearly goes over his load ass over teakettle. Justin spills his bale off his cart entirely, so it's not surprising that Jeremy is the first to deliver a bale to the drop-off area, where one bale is already marking where he's supposed to leave it. Ernie and Justin drop off their first ones as well, in the lanes over. So far so good, as they've successfully shortened untold numbers of lives already.
Team Adventure has arrived outside, and Laurence decides he's ready to "put up a bale." Andy and Tommy arrive in fifth, and Tommy takes it without any rock-paper-scissors needed. Laurence has begun the task, and Zac supportively tells us, "He's owning the jumpsuit and doing well." Which is pretty generous, because Laurence hasn't even buttoned his jumpsuit, let alone owned it, so he's got part of his shirt or the jumpsuit's liner hanging out in front like a symbol of the hernia he's risking. He has trouble with that same corner, too. Also in trouble are Amani and Marcus, who are still on the road and have somehow gotten stuck behind a long line of traffic that the other teams avoided. They wonder if they've stumbled into a parade, and indeed the driver tells them that it's an engagement procession. Bill and Cathi are behind them, hoping to make up the time later, because what else are they going to do? Tommy's at work moving bales, and after one collision with a worker, Andy calls it "bumper cars." Good thing those bales are tough, I'd hate to see one split open. Oh, wait, no, I mean the opposite of that. Tommy drops off his first bale, followed by Laurence.
Back in the procession, the grandparents and Team NFL are still stuck and frustrated, as Cathi tells us they were seated at the back of the plane. "This is not good," Marcus says. How did they get stuck at the back of the plane when they got to the airport first? Rookie mistake, that. Luckily for them, traffic starts moving again after the ads. "We're back on the road," Bill says in the cab behind them. "It's better than being on a plane." After a whole day of flying, lying on the center line would be better than being on a plane.
Up ahead, the other teams are plowing through the Roadblock; Tommy's up to five bales. Laurence interviews that it was really hard, and he had to pace himself, what with being an old. He's up to three. Cindy waxes eloquent about the energy and happiness in Malawi, because she's on the sidelines and can afford to take notice of the dancing and singing warehouse workers. Andy says this is his first time in a tobacco warehouse, but with all the singing and dancing, "I'll come hang out any time. You gotta dance, you're in Africa." Also, dancing is anti-carcinogenic.
Amani and Marcus arrive at the warehouse and get out of their cab, but see no clues. Meanwhile, Bill and Cathi are also there, but they've actually gone to the correct gate, so they've effectively passed Team NFL. Bill will be taking this one. "There's no way I'm gonna make up time," Cathi explains. I hope she enjoys doing all the Roadblocks in the second half of the race, then. Bill gets right to work, and interviews that he spent a couple of years behind hand trucks. I hope he took breaks. "When it's time to cut the hay, it's time to cut the hay," he explains. How true that is. He quickly gets his first bale done.
Amani and Marcus finally make it to the correct entrance, and this will be Marcus's Roadblock. She laughs at Marcus in his uniform. Ernie has a collision with another worker, while Justin is on his seventh bale. Justin interviews that with all the tobacco in the air, it quickly got hard to breathe. Jennifer is more succinct: "It smelled like my dad." Too bad they can't clear their sinuses by stepping over to the menthol section of the warehouse for a few minutes. Hauling and rolling continues, and Marcus compares it to being a rookie all over again as he unloads his third bale. Jeremy's on his last, Ernie and Justin unload their ninth, and Jeremy finishes up, high-fiving the armies of cheering workers as he runs past to rejoin Sandy. Their clue is sending them to something called Memorial Tower. Don't wait for Phil to tell you about it, because he's got nothing. I guess I'll need to research it myself... okay, it was dedicated in 2007 to Malawi's war dead. Now you know what Phil would have told you if he were in more of a mood to share. Team Pre-Owned hurries back to their cab to head out. "That was a workout," Jeremy says happily from the back seat. Okay, there's something wrong with a person who likes wearing himself out like that at the beginning of a leg.
Ernie finishes , so he and Cindy are in second place. "It's hard to breathe in there [even] without doing anything," Cindy tells us as Ernie drips sweat to her in the cab. Justin's done , putting him and Jennifer in third place on their way to Memorial Tower. In their cab, Justin observes that Marcus was having trouble with the bales, and none of them have done anything like that -- except maybe Bill, on the farm. Hmmm, good point. Tommy's the to finish, and Andy compliments his hustle as he reads the clue sending them to Memorial Tower. "That was definitely a physical one," Tommy understates in their cab.
Jeremy and Sandy spot a narrow white spire rising over the trees, and soon come around the bend for a full view of Memorial Tower, with a bronze statue in front of a man raising his hat. That would be Dr. Kamuzu Hastings Banda, the first president of the Republic of Malawi, who led the country for thirty years. Not big on term limits in Malawi, I take it. There's also a large bowl of clues on the steps. Jeremy and Sandy hop out, and with the statue nicely framed in the background, read a clue for a Detour: "All Sewn Up" or "Not Grown Up."
Over to a busy marketplace, where Phil is saying, "The people of Malawi pride themselves in being resourceful." Hence the Detour options. For All Sewn Up, they have to come to this marketplace and find the White Horse De-Signs tailor shop. Customers will be waiting there to lead them to one of the manual sewing machines they'll use to stitch the seams on a suit jacket and pant legs. Standing to a dapper fellow in a black suit, Phil says the customer will give them the clue when he's satisfied with the fit. For Not Grown Up, they'll go to Lilongwe L.E.A. School, where piles of what look like cardboard milk cartons, sticks, bottle caps, and tools are waiting to be made into "traditional children's toy trucks." Judging by the look of them, "traditional" means "flimsy as hell." Each team will make two, and the headmistress will clear them for road-testing, after which the kid who tows it around the grounds a bit will give them their clue, assuming the bottle-cap wheels don't fall off the bamboo-stick axles. Jeremy and Sandy are going with that latter option. "I cannot sew to save my life," Sandy explains. That makes two of us.
Back at the warehouse, Laurence finishes the Roadblock, and needs some help from Zac to escape from his sweaty coverall. Off to Memorial Tower. "That was a killer, Zac," Laurence says. "That was a young man's deal." So he probably is a bit winded now. Ernie & Cindy reach Memorial Tower , with Justin & Jennifer joining them there while they're still reading the clue. Cindy and Ernie are doing the sewing task, but Justin warns Jennifer, "Sewing machines are difficult. They're notoriously tricky and they get tangled all the time. Let's go with trucks." "Alright, fine," Jennifer says as though she's doing him a giant favor. Ernie and Cindy's driver doesn't know where the tailor shop is. "I will ask," he promises. Jennifer interviews that "teaching, and kids, that's my whole life." In the taxi, she says, "We'll build us a truck. And see some cute kids, too." So at least she's no longer pretending to be crabby about not getting to sew.
Andy and Tommy are the to reach Memorial Tower and agree to make trucks, although it sounds like they're pronouncing it as "drugs." I'm sure I'm just projecting that. Tommy says they're picking Not Grown Up because "We ain't quite grown up yet." "Straight up, dude," Andy agrees. They spot the arriving Zac and Laurence, and Team Adventure is going for the trucks as well. "This is where the ladies whip past us," Laurence says. "They'll knock out the sewing really quickly." Because all ladies know how to sew, and sew well. "We gotta be just like animals with that truck," he tells Zac. Animals with appropriately antiquated views of gender roles.
Bill and Marcus are still at the warehouse, and Bill finishes , putting him and Cathi in sixth place. He gets their clue and they're soon in their taxi to Memorial Tower. "That reminds me of hauling hay," Bill pants. "Whoo, dog." Amani talks about how disheartening it was to see all the other teams leave, and we leave Marcus humping yet another bale.
Back from ads, Marcus offloads his ninth bale as Amani tells us they've been in last place before, and they've gone from last to first. "He enjoys hard work," she adds. "He appreciates what these men do for a living." Why, is he a smoker? He finally finishes, and a throng of green-suited men follow him through the warehouse jumping and chanting as he carries his clue back. Marcus interviews about how special that was, even though they were just enabling his football-crowd addiction.
Jeremy and Sandy arrive at the school in first place, finding the kids singing in the schoolyard. A completed sample milk-carton truck is sitting on a bench to the supplies. And this seems like a good time to clarify that those are not milk cartons. I thought I saw the word "beer" on one of them in a close-up, and indeed reader Bruce, just back from three years in Botswana, e-mailed me with the information that they once held something called Chibuku Shake Shake, a cheap, sorghum-based alcoholic brew that I hope never to experience after reading this H2G2 entry about it. Seriously, yuck. As they get to work, Jeremy interviews that he has a six-year-old son, "and going into the school really made me miss him like crazy." He says it was great to see the kids, "But I wish I could have seen him today." Sandy doesn't have anything to add on the subject. I'm really trying not to jump to any conclusions on their backstory. While they work, Sandy asks the kids if they're having a good day at school. They laugh like they're full of Chibuku Shake Shake.
Ernie and Cindy's driver is stopping for directions to the tailor shop, which is making them rather nervous. Bill and Cathi are at Memorial Tower, and they decide on All Sewn Up. In the cab there, Cathi says she's made suits for her dad and for Bill. "I don't think this will be difficult at all." I want to see those homemade suits before I decide whether to agree with her.
The siblings show up at the school, where Jeremy and Sandy are installing the wheels on their first truck. After an exchange of hellos, the siblings get to work. Justin compares this to his job as a physician: "At the root of surgery, all we do is break down and build things right back up." Okay, so if I ever fall and rupture my truck, Justin's the doctor I want.
Amani and Marcus, still in last, go with All Sewn Up for the Detour. "My grandmother's a sewer, my mom's a sewer, so I've seen it done," Marcus says. I should clarify that he says "sewer" as in "a person who sews," not "a noisome tunnel of shit." As for having "seen it done," so have I, but that doesn't mean I think I could do it. In fact, if I'd inherited all of my grandmothers' skills automatically, I could not only sew, but I'd also be a devoutly Catholic basketball star who could deploy tactical nuclear weapons with guilt-tipped warheads. On the road, Andy encourages their traffic-snarled driver, "Make a hole, punch through." But it's Laurence and Zac's driver who actually does that. "We're creating our own lane," Laurence says as the camera zooms in through the windshield at the oncoming, horn-blaring traffic (possibly involuntarily, as the cameraman's eyes widen in terror). But they survive to pass Andy and Tommy on the road. "They got us," Tommy says. But it's all for naught, because when both teams reach the school, the snowboarders beat Team Adventure in the footrace to the clues. As both teams join the truck-building project, Laurence tells Sandy, "I thought you would have gone to the sewing machines, my dear." Okay, seriously, shut it, caveman. Sandy says she can't sew, and Justin asks her what she does in the OR, then. Sandy interviews that she's a nurse practitioner. "I sew bodies at work. I do not sew clothing." Laurence can't let well enough alone: "Jeremy, you want to be careful, if you're gonna get married, she can't sew." Karma is on the case, though, as Laurence pinches himself with the scissors. Thank you, karma. Stay close, though.
At the old market, Cathi and Bill are arriving just ahead of Ernie and Cindy, and the disappearance of Team Control's lead isn't lost on any of them. They make their way through the maze-like alleyways to the open-air tailor shop, where eight guys are standing against the wall holding suits on hangers. Cindy and Cathi each take a suit and get started at one of the old manual sewing machines. These machines are so old the brand name used to be Brother but now it's Uncle. Or, they're so old that instead of Singer they're called Gasper. Oy, thank God I'm out of sewing machine brand names.
At the school, Jennifer is calmly showing an impatient Justin how the pieces fit together, and tells us she's looking forward to doing this project with her own class. She talks about Americans' good fortune in being able to buy toys from the store, and how this might teach those ungrateful special-ed kids back home some appreciation already. Tommy also interviews that he might make one for his son, Owen. "I just gotta remember how to do it." He tells the rest of them that it's pretty tedious, and Laurence encourages everyone to go sew, then. Sandy looks at him like, "Is this guy for real? Is this happening? Am I here? What century is it?"
Amani and Marcus have at least reached the old market. Cindy and Cathi are both having trouble with the machines; Cindy just in general, while it looks like Cathi's thread snapped, so she just sewed a line of imaginary stitching. Ernie takes over Cindy's machine. They remind us in an interview that they still have the Express Pass, which they won in the first leg, but have held off using it. Cindy says they want to use it as late as possible. Solid strategy. I for one am looking forward to an Express Pass that actually saves someone. Or, better yet, one that gets thrown down on the giant mat at the Finish Line. That would be bad-ass. Cathi's already done with her customer's pants and moving on to the jacket as Amani and Marcus show up. Marcus does the pants and has Amani do the jacket, boasting some more about what a great seamstress his grandmother was. "Why'd you give me the jacket?" Amani complains.
Justin and Jennifer are almost done with their trucks, as are Jeremy and Sandy. Both teams carry their trucks over to be pulled across the red clay by some of the school kids, and Team Pre-Owned gets their clue. It's sending them to R-K Furniture Shop, a roadside store where, according to Phil, "the people of Malawi proudly sell their handcrafted wooden furniture." All of them? Looks like they specialize in bed frames, judging by the stock out on the yard. In any case, Sandy wants to take a moment to kick the soccer ball around with the kids before heading out. "You have to enjoy some of this," she says to Jeremy, who says he is. Almost convincingly, too. Justin and Jennifer's trucks also pass inspection, so they're leaving right behind Team Pre-Owned. Andy and Tommy finish in third place, and after some clumsy high-fiving and soccer ball-kicking with the kids, they're on their way as well, with more thoughts about the difference between the United States, where toys come from the store, and Malawi, where toys come from the recycling bin.
Market. Most racers are sewing furiously, except for Ernie, who cracks that Cindy usually holds the pants in their relationship. "When she's leading the show it seems like everything's working a little bit more efficiently," he adds, rather nicely and entirely correctly. Cathi's machine unthreads itself, and Bill calls out, "Technician?" Cindy and Ernie are actually the first to finish this task, and their guy tries on his gray suit and hands them their clue, so they're off to the furniture shop. "Let's just hope that the other Detour task was tougher," Cindy says in the cab. And that people's cab drivers got lost getting them there, don't forget.
Team Pre-Owned and the Siblings are racing to R-K Furniture, but Justin and Jennifer get there seconds ahead, chiefly by getting dropped off on the right side of the street while Jeremy and Sandy have to cross the busy road. They open the clue, and it reads, "Take two beds to Phil at the Pit Stop." I'm sure some of the racers would prefer to just take one, if you know what I mean, but what can you do? Over lots of footage of Malawians carrying large items on their heads, Phil says it's common practice there "for its people to carry virtually everything." So now it's up to the teams to transport (in a truck) and carry (by hand) two beds to Kumbali Village. Over a shot of this picturesque setting in an "isolated forest reserve," including a long, long path running through the bush, Phil says this is the Pit Stop, and the racers will find out they'll be sleeping in their beds there overnight. Oh, and "the last team to check in here may be eliminated." Anything is possible, I suppose. The clue goes on to suggest that racers ask the shop owner to call a driver for them. Jeremy and Justin do that, and both teams start grabbing beds while the snowboarders show up in third place.
Back at the school, Laurence says he and Zac worked well together knocking the trucks out, but he would have liked to spend more time with the kids. "Love those kids," we hear him say, immediately before he all but pries their fifth-place clue from one small child's helpless hands.
"Here, put it on, let me see how handsome," Cathi says to her customer, like a skilled salesperson. "I can't lie to the brother when he puts it on, though," Amani warns us. But Cathi's customer seems satisfied, even though he looks like a photo negative of David Byrne in Stop Making Sense, so they're headed to the furniture shop in sixth place. "We are still moving," Cathi assures us.
Justin and Jennifer are loading their beds into the back of a pickup truck, and they end up crammed in to them while they ride towards the village. Jeremy and Sandy try to flag down a truck, but it turns out to not be theirs. Andy and Tommy are moving their beds into position as Team Adventure arrives in fourth place and reads their clue. The snowboarders, seeing a green truck pulling up, figure that's theirs and start loading it up, to Jeremy and Sandy's great but ultimately impotent chagrin. "This could have been their truck, but who knows?" Andy says as they cruise down the road. They don't seem keen to make him turn around and go back, though. Ernie and Cindy show up in fifth, and Ernie smoothly jumps over a deep ditch while holding his end of the bed. And here are Bill and Cathi, in sixth place.
Back at the tailor shop, Amani and Marcus have finished sewing, although Amani says, "Babe, my jacket could look like anything, Lord have mercy." As their guy tries it on, Marcus insists, "My grandma would be proud! Come on with that clue!" He hands it over, because how many other people are going to walk out of that tailor shop wearing a genuine Amani jacket? No, don't get up, I'll fire myself. Back into the cab, where Marcus frets, "I'm on a high-speed chase, and this is the opposite of a high-speed chase."
Laurence and Zac are trying to convince the driver of their taxi -- a standard four-dour sedan, unmarked like most of the other taxis we're seeing in Malawi -- that two twin-sized bed frames are going to fit in his car somehow. "Can we open the passenger doors and put the beds through the middle?" Zac asks, obviously thinking he's in some alternate dimension where the rules of time and space do not apply, or in India. Jeremy and Sandy finally get a truck and load it up. Laurence and Zac and their driver read the rest of the clue telling them to ask the shop owner to call a driver, so they go to do that. "Bloody frustrating," Laurence says. Ernie and Cindy load up a truck, as do Bill and Cathi. "Now we're cooking!" Bill says. Laurence and Zac seem to be just trying to flag down a truck driver. We see Ernie and Cindy going down the road, clinging to the metal frame over their truck bed. "I've never felt less safe in my life than right now," Cindy says. Laurence, on the other hand, runs up to a moving truck, opens the driver's door, and runs along as it tries to take off, asking the driver for a ride for his beds. So Laurence clearly has a different safety threshold from Cindy. Bill and Cathi are on their way, while he whoops and yells happily at traffic from a standing position in the truck bed. "You'd better sit down before you fall down," Cathi warns, like he's the faller of the two of them. Laurence and Zac pile into the back seat of their truck's extended cab, saying they're in a race. "If those guys get there before us, we're done," Laurence tells the driver. "We go home." "Those guys" being Amani and Marcus, who are finally at the furniture store. They open their clue, get their beds into a pickup, and get back into their cab, telling their driver to follow the truck carrying their beds. "Please don't let us get eliminated," Amani says.
Happy Lion King/Graceland-style music signals the arrival of Justin and Jennifer outside the village. "Phil, where are you!" Jennifer blares from the back of the truck. Soon they reach the point of the dirt road where there's a sign reading "All Vehicles Must Stop," and they realize they'll have to carry their beds the rest of the way. They huck them up onto their shoulders and head down the path. "I hear the drumbeats," Justin says. Presumably that's the musicians at the Pit Stop and not his heart threatening to explode out his ears. Behind them, Andy and Tommy pull up, jump out, and ask their driver how much they owe him before heading up the path. "We could catch someone with this distance," one of them says optimistically, and indeed they're coming as close as two guys can to jogging while carrying large wooden bed frames. Jeremy and Sandy's truck arrives, and as they head up the path, Sandy asks Jeremy if he paid. When he says no, she asks, "Then what are you doing?" Going back and paying him, that's what. The bed appears too much for Sandy to carry, and when Jeremy tries to encourage her, she yells, "Stop yelling at me! That doesn't help!" Although, to be fair, she's the one yelling.
In worse news, Amani and Marcus's taxi breaks down, so they have to bail on it before they get out of the city. This may be God's punishment for the way Marcus is wearing a sun visor upside down. And that's the third of three acts that have ended with Team NFL in a desperate situation, which means they'll end the episode either in first place or being fired into the sun by Phil. Or somewhere in between. I'm calling it right now. You just wait and see if I'm right.
So now Marcus has to climb onto their bed frames that are filling the bed of the mini-pickup they've hired. Presumably Amani gets to ride up front in the cab, while Marcus talks to us about their cab breaking down on the most important leg for them. Not sure why this leg is more important than the others, especially in light of what happens later.
The mat at the village is flanked by a small, purple-clad army of singers and musicians as Justin and Jennifer approach. "I think you're gonna be excited by what he tells you," Justin encourages his sister. Finally they reach the mat, set their beds down, and are welcomed by one of the many purple-dressed women there. Phil says, "Got another team coming in," and Andy and Tommy arrive with their beds as well. After a little dancing, Phil tells them all, "You may have noticed you're in Africa. The people in Africa carry everything. And today you got to experience a little bit of carrying everything, including your beds. Which you will be sleeping on tonight. "Told you," Justin tells Jennifer. Phil tells them they're the first team to arrive." But...?" Jennifer asks while Justin claps like a happy goon. Sure enough, Phil has a "however," and here it comes: "I understand that you did not pay your truck driver." Some of the locals give them dirty looks as Phil tells them they need to go back and do that. So off they go, which means that once again, Andy and Tommy win a leg by default. This time they get a trip to a private island in the British Virgin Islands, which sounds very romantic. Tommy says they're just trying to make it through to the finals, but a win's even better. Well, it's hard not to keep winning if you keep showing up on the mat right behind other teams who've screwed up, which they've done literally half the time now. Andy gushes, "Everyone is so friendly here. We love you guys. You're awesome." And they are "stoked to be in Africa."
Bill and Cathi unload their beds at the trailhead. So do Ernie and Cindy, after confirming that Cindy paid the driver. Bill also assumes they have to pay. "Only if he asks," Cathi says. Oops. They go right by Team Control, and Cindy says, "We got passed by old people. And that sucks." Jeremy criticizes Sandy's carrying technique, which she's not terribly receptive to. "This is what I got," she snaps. Bill helps Cathi get hers on her back, and she says they understand manual labor, living on a farm and all. Cindy's struggling to get her bed up on top of herself. Cathi says she was hoping for a day without bruises, but it looks like she's out of luck for today on that score. Ernie has helped Cindy get her bed up on her head, upside-down with the headboard hanging down a few feet behind her, and warns her that he's letting go. While he runs back for his own, she struggles to keep her bed balanced, but doesn't make it twenty steps before the foot of it tips to the ground in front of her. Calling for help from Ernie, she collapses to the ground with it on top of her in what looks like a very uncomfortable way, sort of half-sitting, and half squashed to the ground by the wooden slats. Ernie laughs to find her still pinned under there when he returns. "You're in African jail!" he says, hurrying to help her. "I'm in jail," she laugh/cries until he lifts it off her. "That didn't work." Okay, but it was hilarious, and to me, that's what really matters.
The siblings are running back up the path. "At least we're not carrying beds," Justin points out, looking on the bright side. Jeremy is trying to hurry Sandy along with her bed, and she says she's doing her best. They meet the siblings on the path, who aren't forthcoming about what they're doing. Justin and Jennifer also don't talk to Bill and Cathi, who are working their way around a hole in the path. But when they meet Cindy, who asks what's going on, Justin says, "We have to pay our guy." As he passes Ernie, a slat falls off the latter's bed. Man, those two can't catch a break sometimes. They don't need an Express Pass, they need a Get Out Of Shitty Luck Free card.
Laurence and Zac are unloading their beds from their truck as the siblings reach the parking area and ask how much. They're asked to pay seven thousand whatever, and they hand over $40 USD, which is a little short. They also learn there's another driver still waiting to be paid. "You need to holler at your people," Jennifer advises him, as though he doesn't know. But with their driver satisfied (even though they shorted him a couple bucks), they can head back.
Sandy's shoulder is now bleeding from carrying her bed, and Bill and Cathi are closing in behind her and Jeremy. "If they pass me, good for a 62-year-old woman," Sandy pants. Well, good for Cathi, then, because they do. Laurence and Zac are catching up with Ernie and Cindy. "Don't think about the pain, just go," Jeremy pushes Sandy. Laurence is huffing, far behind Zac, even as they pass Team Control while Ernie's trying to perform field repairs on his bed. "That is gnarly," Cindy says. Bill and Cathy are trying to drag their beds onto the mat when Justin and Jennifer run around them and make it in second place. "Bill and Cathi, stay where you are," Phil says, and then instructs the arriving Jeremy and Sandy to stand to the siblings so he can tell them they're team number three. The grandparents launch some eye-daggers, until Phil explains that they need to go back and pay. Which shuts down whatever they might have been about to say.
Amani and Marcus have just paid their driver, and start hauling their beds down the path, Marcus saying they got dealt a bad hand and Amani praying to not get eliminated. Laurence and Zac reach the village and are told, "Get on the mat here, you guys!" Laurence, exhausted, gets a hug from the greeter before Phil tells them they're team number four, much to their surprise. Ernie and Cindy arrive as an exhausted team number five. Amani and Marcus are still heading up the path. He offers to let her take a break, but she insists, "I don't want to slow down, I don't want to talk." They meet Bill and Cathi coming back, and unless they're halfway to the mat, they're screwed. The grandparents return and pay off their driver (ten thousand for this guy, maybe because he's got a bigger truck), and Team NFL keeps schlepping. At some point that may or may not be near the mat, the grandparents pass Amani and Marcus again, so they are officially team number six. The grandparents have survived to the halfway point, y'all. Raise your Metamucil glass to them.
Finally, Amani and Marcus make it to the mat, in seventh and last place. "How are you feeling right now?" Phil asks them, a dead giveaway that this is a non-elimination leg. Amani says she's not ready for it to be over, and Phil asks, "You want to stay in the race?" She nods. Phil tells them they'll need the beds, because they're still in it. "This is a non-elimination leg," he tells them, because when is it not any more, and he adds that they still have a chance to win it. They hug emotionally as Phil warns them about the Speed Bump they'll have to face in the leg. Amani brings up the special-needs daughter back home and says tearfully, "We don't want her to quit." The locals look on in either sympathy or boredom as she goes on to talk about the importance of teamwork and not quitting, and how they're setting a great example "for not just our kids but all kids." Like the one in the crowd of locals, there, I guess. You hear that, kids? If you're going to lose, make sure you lose when it doesn't count.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at M.Giant[at]gmail.com.