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In the last several seasons, there have been plenty of teams who didn't win the Amazing Race, and eleven of them are coming back. So now it's time to re-meet the teams who are here to wrap up their "Unfinished Business:" Jet & Cord, the cowboy brothers; Margie & Luke, the deaf guy and his mom; Kris & Amanda, who got U-Turned by Margie & Luke in Siberia; Harlem Globetrotters Flight Time & Big Easy, the latter of whom gave up on a Kafka-themed task in Prague; Mel and Mike, who got lost i4n Thailand; "dating Goths" Kent and Vysjzyxen, who Phil says "self-destructed in Italy;" former Miss Kentucky Mallory and her dad Gary, who spent their last day in the race lost in Oman; Kisha and Jen, the latter of whom made her Pit Stops in exactly the wrong order in Beijing; Zev and Justin, one of whom has Asperger's Syndrome and the other of whom lost their passports in Cambodia; Ron and Christina, who lost in Alaska; and former NFL cheerleaders Jaime and Cara, who ended up with a bad cabdriver in Hawaii. But then you probably knew all that.
The race begins at a Palm Springs, California wind farm, where teams have to search among a field of paper airplanes. They're looking for one to swap with Phil for their first clue, and for one of only eight berths on the first flight out of LAX. The second flight ends up carrying Kisha/Jen, Gary/Mallory, and Amanda/Kris -- who as a result of finding their clue last will be automatically getting U-Turned AGAIN! Those two are U-Turn magnets.
Of course, the vagaries of air travel mean that the "first" flight doesn't necessarily arrive first, and in this case a heart attack diverts it to Honolulu, allowing the three bottom-feeders to arrive in Sydney before the "leaders." The Road Block requires racers to scuba-dive to the bottom of a shark tank and find a large compass with a coded message leading them to a sailing club. There, they need to help sail a 16-foot skiff out to a buoy in the harbor. Then it's straight to the Pit Stop at Shelly Beach. Gary and Mallory get there first, just ahead of Kris and Amanda. That means they win the Express Pass -- but the leg's not over, so they're still racing, and that U-Turn is still hanging over their heads. Further back, Vysixdfjn has an underwater panic attack and several teams have trouble with the decoding, but none worse than the cowboys. Team after team checks in while Jet is so baffled by the Road Block that he's still working on it when we're told this is "To Be Continued." Not for one team, I'm thinking.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Welcome to the season known as "Unfinished Business," because that's catchier than calling it "Eleven Do-Overs." Actually, I like how they're not billing this season as another "all-star" race, partly because I would not agree that not all of these teams are stars, and partly because they're all teams who ran it since the first all-star season. It must be exciting for these teams, all of whom failed to win their respective seasons for varying reasons, to have another crack at it. But there's one unavoidable truth: considering how far most of them got in their first go-round, it's a near-certainty that a lot of them will do worse this time than they did before. At a minimum, for example at least half the teams who originally came in second are going to drop in the rankings. So, I hope they're not all betting on redemption here. In fact, one team is going to come in last for the very first time, and that? Is going to be a downer for them. Whoever it ends up being. Because I don't want to spoil anything.
The sun rises over a valley filled with so many whirling wind turbines it looks like God's electric razor. And there's Phil, blissfully unaware that his hometown is going to get socked by an earthquake hours after this airs. Sorry to hear about that, Phil, seriously. Everyone else, there's this. Phil tells us, "This is Palm Springs, California. Built in a rugged valley, it is the second-windiest place on earth." Good place for a wind farm, then, and Phil confirms that it's "in the forefront of modern energy technology." The camera sweeps past the turbines and to Phil on a hillside, with a flock of much smaller white things fluttering behind him at about shoulder-level. At first I think they're some kind of white land-flamingos, but then we get a closer look and it's evident that they're actually large paper airplanes on tall wire stakes. Which makes more sense than a flock of white land-flamingos, living on a wind farm, but not by much. Phil tells us that from here, "Eleven teams of Amazing Race favorites will embark on one more race around the world...one more chance to win the Amazing Race, and one million dollars." And I wish the best of luck to some of them.
Cut to a caravan of dune buggies rolling along a dirt track through the desert, as Phil says they've all returned to "settle some unfinished business." I wonder how long it's going to take me to grow weary of that phrase? I'm thinking not long. The first team is cowboy brothers Jet and Cord from TAR16, heralded by the Heroic Cowboy Theme on the soundtrack. Phil describes them as having been "cut in front of by eventual winners Dan and Jordan at the Shanghai Airport." Flashback to our heroes obliquely threatening to kick some teeth in. And of course, that's not what cost them the race anyway, but I'm going to have to impose a limit on how much old shit I'm going to allow myself to dredge up. Cord says they don't need to cheat to win (and I'm sure he's not implying that Dan and Jordan only won the final leg as a result of some schoolyard bullshit at the beginning of that leg on the other side of the world), and that nice guys don't always finish last, and he thinks he's a nice guy. "Keep thinking that," Jet says. Jet can say that, because he's still the one in the black hat.
Margie and Luke are the mother and son team, and you may recall Luke losing his pants and his shit during the final task of TAR14 in Hawaii. I'd link to it, but it covers about seven pages. I know there was a lot of antipathy toward them during their season, and although I don't share it, I will try to respect it, you filthy haters. Margie interviews, "Luke felt so bad that he let me down, and I was so far from let down." Luke signs, "Hopefully, we'll win. We'll make up for my big mistake last time." Luke is still deaf, so I will be relying on the Amazing Subtitles generated by the Amazing ASL Translators again this season.
Speaking of Luke and Margie's mistakes, here come Amanda and Kris, also from TAR14. They've since gotten engaged, but Margie and Luke U-Turned them in Siberia, causing them to come in eighth. I always felt like they didn't deserve such an early exit, but speaking purely selfishly as a recapper, they got along so well it was hard to make fun of them. Really, their only "hook" is being pleasant with each other and ridiculously good-looking. Amanda says she's tired of watching the show with Kris and hearing about how they shouldn't have been U-Turned. Well, good thing they got the return invite, yeah? I think this is one of very few teams that's going to have real trouble doing worse than they did the first time.
The whistling strains of "Sweet Georgia Brown" means we're once again meeting Harlem Globetrotters Flight Time and Big Easy from TAR15, who, as Phil delicately puts it, were "stumped by Franz Kafka in Prague." Which makes it sound like the author of Metamorphosis rose from the grave and demanded, "If the square of the hypotenuse equals the sum of the square of the other two sides, why is a mouse when it spins?" Flight Time reminds us, "Big Easy got us eliminated," but they can laugh about it. Flight Time says that as Harlem Globetrotters they're used to winning, although I would point out that they're not exactly up against twenty Washington Generals this time around.
The Whites, Mel and Mike (loved you in Zombieland, Mike!), are described as having "broke[n] away from the pack and wandered off course in Thailand." I still blame their cabdriver for the sixth-place finish of my favorite TAR14 team. Mel warns that he's seventy now, so look out. "I'm shaking in my boots," Mike says.
Kent (no longer Kynt, because that was stupid) and Vyxsin (I guess I'm still going to have to learn how to spell that, or she is) are still a "dating Goth couple," and Phil says they "self-destructed in Italy." I didn't watch TAR12, and they were a big reason why. We see a clip of him yelling shrilly at her while she drives, and threatening to leap out of the moving car, if "threaten" is the right word. She says they're looking forward to "redemption." "The pink-and-black-attack is back," Kent dorks. I don't normally assume the worst of people, but until they convince me otherwise I'm going to have trouble believing that they aren't total frauds.
Gary and Mallory, the one team from TAR17, are the father-and-daughter pair who "lost their way in Oman," which is putting it mildly. Mallory says she's "almost more excited about this than I was Miss America!" That might seem like a non sequitur unless you know Mallory was Miss Kentucky. Not that Mallory is usually all that good at avoiding non sequiturs anyway.
Phil says that sisters Kisha and Jen "took an untimely break steps from the Pit Stop in Beijing." That's a pretty discreet choice of words, but then there's a flashback to the penultimate leg of TAR14, when we saw Jen disappearing into that port-a-potty and into Amazing Race History, saying, "I'm about to pee on myself." The Amazing Editors clearly do not share Phil's decorum. Jen says they're hoping to learn from their mistakes: "I will not drink four bottles of water on the way to the Pit Stop!" Or just make sure you leave time for a pit stop if you do.
Zev and Justin, who I used to (and will continue to) call Team Asperger's in honor of a certain syndrome Zev has, are cracking me up by being the second team that's wearing Harlem Globetrotters t-shirts. Phil says they were "conquered by their own carelessness in Cambodia." I thought they lasted longer in TAR15 than they did, so I'm rather surprised to note that they came in way down in ninth place, making them the lowest-ranked team here. Zev boasts that they're there to win it, and Zev amusingly interrupts to point out that he was there to win it last time. "But somebody lost my passport," he tweaks. Flashback to that heartbreaking moment, and in the present, Zev says, "There's no way I'm losing this passport again." Although he admits he doesn't have it on him right now. That's encouraging.
Ron and Christina, another team I haven't seen race before because they were on TAR12, were "baffled on their way to the Finish Line in Alaska, "according to Phil. She admits that she "stumbled at the Road Block, "and adds that just like last time, they're hoping to be the first parent-child team to win the race. I guess someone has to be the first, right? Wait, no they don't. Even the Family Edition didn't have a parent winner. Yeah, sorry to bring that up.
Finally, here are Jaime and Cara, the former NFL cheerleaders I once knew as Team Go Team. We see a flashback to how their cabdriver got them lost on the way to that same final task that wrecked Luke in Hawaii at the end of TAR14, and then present-day Jaime says, "People either loved us and our style of racing, or they hated us." No, Jaime, they hated you. Nobody hated Cara, and if they did, it was because they couldn't tell you two apart yet and they thought she was you. Although I'm happy to say I still know which is which and will not have to spend another half-season typing the phrase "one of the cheerleaders" or waiting for one of them to say something bitchy. She adds, "Do I think when Phil says go that I'm going to be able to rein myself in? I don't think so. If I'm going to do something I'm gonna do it." Of course she is.
So there are your teams, almost half of whom were from TAR14. I'd bitch about that, but since that was both my favorite season and my favorite crop of racers, that seems ungrateful. In terms of rankings, we've got three second-place teams, a third-place team (meaning four teams who have made it to the finish line), two fourths, a fifth, two sixths, and eighth, and a ninth. And after spending all that time on research and links to past recaps, I need a fifth myself.
As the teams line up in the valley, Phil asks us who will make the most of this "ultimate second chance" and win the Amazing Race. Why does he always ask me these questions? I don't have an answer for you, Phil. He walks down to meet and greet them, and tells them they'll be racing around the world "again." He reminds them, "The last time you raced, some of you came within inches of victory, but there's not a winner among any of you. " Harsh much, Phil? He again drops the phrase "unfinished business" and asks if they're ready to race around the world one more time. Sounds like they are, which is good. I guess the ones who weren't ready are still at home.
Phil's got more news. The Express Pass is still in the mix, even though it completely fizzled last season. As before, it allows the team who wins it to skip any one task in the race. "Trust me, you want the Express Pass," he says lamely. After all it could end up being one team's only chance to come in fifth rather than sixth out of nine or something. And, as always, the first team to cross the finish line after twelve legs will win a million dollars. Phil also tells them that if they think they know how everything will go, "Think again," because this race will be "very different." Yes, they'll be racing by astral projection! No, seriously -- for starters, the bags don't have any clues on them. The first clue is on Phil's person. To get it, they have to subdue him and wrestle him to the ground. Okay, actually, he tells them to "go into the desert" (as though they're not already there) and find something for Phil. He points them to their "search field," which is that armada of staked-down paper airplanes across the road. The first eight teams to bring back what Phil wants will be on the first flight, but the last three will be on the second flight, scheduled to land at their destination about ninety minutes later. Of course, there's never a guarantee that things will actually work out like that, and that's going to be even more the case this time, but I'm getting ahead of myself. And if that's not enough (which, as I just implied, it isn't), Phil says that whoever comes in last on this search will get an automatic U-Turn, meaning they'll have to do both sides of the first Detour. "As you all know, second chances don't come free." For a second there I was worried that someone's "second chance" was going to end right here, like that poor yoga hippie couple who never got out of the L.A. River at the beginning of TAR15. Now there's a team that I'm sure would have loved a second chance, but I can't feel too bad for them because I hated them on sight.
Phil tells them to "bring me what I want," and then get in one of the Ford Foci waiting nearby and drive it, where else, to LAX. Before saying go, he gives them a clue as to what he's looking for: "Queensland And Northern Territories Aerial Services." Before we even have time to think about what the initials of that phrase are, we get a close-up look at one of those paper airplanes. They all have phrases Sharpied on the sides of them, but this one is marked QANTAS, which happens to be the name of an Australian airline made famous in Rain Man. Speaking of acronymic airline names, I once had a London tour guide who told us that "Alitalia" stands for "Always Late In Takeoff, Always Late In Landing," which may or may not be the case. Phil just gets 22 blank looks before he goes into his speech: "The world is waiting for you. Good luck, travel safe, GO!" And so it begins. Chills again, but I think part of that is because I'm watching with the wife and kid this season. Why haven't I done that before? Oh, yeah, because half the time the show gets pushed back so late it ends two hours past his bedtime.
Anyway, the re-racers scamper across the scrub in a big mob, repeating Phil's phrase to themselves with varying degrees of accuracy. Amanda and Kris are the first to return to Phil with a plane, but theirs is marked "Queen Express" so they have to go back. Ron and Christina try "Pan Am," even though Christina already knew it's Qantas. Other teams are finding Qantas, and Mel and Mike are the first team to get seats on the first flight. I hope that's not the last time they're in first place. Zev and Justin are right behind them, closely followed by Jet and Cord. Phil, now mobbed by re-racers, stats tossing incorrect planes to the winds. Sure, it's littering, but this is the second-windiest place on earth, meaning they'll end up someplace less windy. The Whites get to the cars and open their first clue, telling them to fly to Sydney, Australia. Right behind them are Zev and Justin, followed by the Cowboys, and Cord calls this a "once-in a-lifetime opportunity -- again!" "Saddle up, partner!" Jet says. The credits can't ignore a cue like that. Do those guys really talk like that to each other when the cameras aren't on?
After the titles, Christina is still loudly insisting to Ron that they're looking for Qantas. Keep it up, Chris, I don't think the other teams heard you. They're among several teams who find one shortly thereafter, but Kent and Vyxsin are actually the to get their clue, landing them the fourth spot on the first flight. Christina and Ron get the fifth, followed by the Globetrotters. Margie and Luke get the seventh spot, and Jaime and Cara are right behind them. That leaves three teams still flailing on the field, and Team Go Team is already in their car. "The redheads are back," Jaime says from the driver's seat, although they've helpfully gotten slightly different hair colors this time around (Cara's is a bit darker). Kisha and Jen get a Qantas plane, and get the first seats on the second flight out. That leaves it down to Gary/Mallory and Amanda/Kris. "Babe, are we just trying random ones?:" Amanda asks Kris. "Yeah, we are," he says, like, what else would they be doing? Not a good sign, that. I'm happy to root for them, but they've got to help me out. Jen and Kisha, in their car, are happy just not to be last. Amanda and Kris think they're screwed, and Mallory appeals to Saint Anthony. Jesus is like, "Oh, good, I'm happy to delegate this one."
After the ads, Amanda and Kris belatedly figure out (or simply overhear) that they're looking for Qantas, as does Mallory. Now it's just a matter of finding one and beating the other team to Phil, and that's a race Gary and Mallory win. After they get their clue, Amanda and Kris get theirs, and Phil reminds them they've got a penalty coming. "U-Turned again, Kris!" Amanda groans in the car. They do seem to have become U-Turn magnets. Kris says it's their own fault. "We didn't think that through very clearly," he says. Or indeed at all. But owning it and taking responsibility is a step in the right direction. See? Happy to root for them.
On to LAX, where we see that the first flight to Sydney (on Qantas, coincidentally), is leaving at 10:25 PM. Eight teams board it, most of them talking about how glad they are that they don't have to be one of the three teams stuck on the flight that's scheduled to arrive in Sydney ninety minutes later. "But anything can happen," Mike says. It's about to.
The flight is leaving at 11:50, with Amanda/Kris, Jen/Kisha, and Gary/Mallory. Kris says they need to stay ahead of this part of the pack. Soon both flights are in the air. But then the first flight has a "medical emergency" on board. And it's an actual medical emergency. We learn that the first flight is diverting to Honolulu because a fellow passenger has had a heart attack. Amazingly, it isn't Jaime, although as usual it looks like it could happen to her at any second. So they land in Hawaii, which must bring back sweet memories for Team ASL and Team Go Team. Tammy and Victor's bootprints on their asses must feel particularly deep at the moment. Everyone looks stressed out, but all they can do is stay in their seats while the patient is offloaded and the fuel tanks are topped off. "Seems like the first plane just turned into the second plane," Justin says, but Big Easy remembers to say that the most important thing is that the man who had the heart attack is going to be fine. Then the Amazing Green and Red Lines head on to Sydney Australia, which I thought had perfectly good hospitals of its own. Kidding! Feel better, heart attack guy.
So there's the city and the harbor and a guy in 17th century regalia telling us, Welcome to Sydney, Australia while gesturing grandly across the water to the Opera House. Which is of course visible from every point in Sydney. It's the Eiffel Tower, the Empire State Building, and the Great Red Spot of Australia all in one, and if you don't think the Amazing Race is going to put it onscreen as much as possible you're out of your mind. Phil says the teams will land, take a train to Sydney Harbor, then ride a ferry to a place called Oceanworld in the town of Manly to find their clue.
Indeed, the second-place flight is in face the first to land, and the three teams race for the train. "We think we're in the top three," Mallory tells us once they're safely aboard. Apparently she heard it from a flight attendant, and they're obviously three very happy teams. Amanda and Kris are even thinking about winning the Express Pass and using it to counteract their impending U-Turn. Jen jokes that Mallory is a liar. "You've been to Kentucky before, you know we don't lie there," she laughs. Whatever -- feud on!
Soon they arrive at the harbor, and all get onto the same ferry. Once they're on board, Mallory sings, "We're so happy we're on Austrailiaaaa!" as if the Opera House is around her instead of in the background behind her.
The second flight lands, and eight teams scramble for the train. The Globetrotters, Team Asperger's, Margie/Luke, Team Go Team, and the Goths board, but the doors close before anyone else does, even though Christina had the train in sight. That leaves her and Ron, Mel/Mike, and the Cowboys stranded in the back of the pack. Man, I forget how hard it is to keep track of eleven teams on this show. Already knowing them all doesn't make it any easier, surprisingly.
The ferry with the first three teams docks at Oceanworld, and Gary and Mallory are the first to find a clue box near a crescent of beach. It's a Road Block and Mallory reads, "Who's ready to get tanked?"
Phil's in a long, glass tunnel that goes under a giant shark tank -- a million and a half gallons, he says. I should probably be more amazed by this spectacle, but it isn't the show's fault I've paid several visits to a very similar facility ten miles from my house. Phil says the first Road Block of this race is all about people's "most primal fears." Specifically, they'll be in that tank with sharks as long as sixteen feet and a stingray "as big as a queen-sized bed." And then they'll have to give them a twenty-minute oral presentation without notes? Actually, wearing scuba gear, they'll search the bottom of the tank for a "compass" (which is more like a big, deep serving platter). Then they'll bring the compass to the surface, where strings of nautical flags are fluttering in the breeze. Using the compass as a decoder ring, the person doing the Road Block will then have to translate the flags into the English phrases "MANLY 16 FT SKIFF SAILING CLUB," "FIND THE COMMODORE," and "I AM BETWEEN THE DEVIL AND THE DEEP BLUE SEA." After going to the place named in the first phrase, doing the instruction in the second phrase, and speaking the third phrase to him, the commodore will give them their clue. Is this task actually...tricky?
Kisha is doing this, because Jen has some water issues. After a quick flashback to her panic attack at the pool in Beijing, she adds, "And not to fulfill any stereotypes because we are African American, but, no, we cannot swim."
Mallory is the first to climb into the water via a behind-the-scenes access platform, and Gary tells us that the fear of sharks will be her biggest challenge on this one. Yes. I would think so. That, and not being able to squeal. She goes under and begins her search among the various sea creatures. Mallory narrates after the fact that she thought everything she bumped into was a shark, when in fact it was probably only ten percent or so. Down in the tunnel that the visitors walk through, Gary looks at the fish swimming over him and points to one monster shark, remarking, "She's worried about the stingrays -- I don't think she's seen that one yet."
Kisha's also in the tank, with Jen trying to encourage her as much as she can through inches of curved glass and several feet of water. "I'm really afraid of water, and sharks," Kisha interviews after the fact. Jen tells us she's freaked out just from being in the observation tube, just as that giant stingray drifts over her head. Damn, that thing is huge. Jen must feel like the spaceship at the beginning of Star Wars when she's under that leviathan. "Duck," she says under her breath. Amanda is also in the tank now, saying she tuned out the sharks: "I just got in Amazing Race mode and started just scanning everything for that compass." And then her head was bitten off. No, not really.
The second group of teams has arrived at the ferry terminal, and just to refresh, that group consists of the Goths, the Globetrotters, Team ASL, Team Go Team, and Team Asperger's. "We're on our way to Manly," Kent says as they sail past the Opera House. "Where he'll fit right in," Vyxsin says, indicating the pipe-cleaner arm that Kent is flexing for us. Jaime is theatrically happy about this moment that she wouldn't trade for anything. "Except maybe an Express Pass," she laughs. Heaven forbid we'd think she'd lost her edge there, even for a second.
Mallory finds the compass first, so now she has more attention to pay to the sharks. As Gary watches, her eyes bug out so far they're in danger of breaking the seal on her diving mask. Kisha and Amanda keep searching, but Amanda's the to find a compass.
The last group of three teams -- which is completely different from the initial last group of three teams that this leg started with -- gets off the train at the ferry terminal and spreads out. "I'm gettin' sick of people following me around already," Jet complains. The Whites and Ron/Christina go straight to the ticket kiosk to secure passage while the Cowboys get directions. A local tells them they need to take a ferry to Oceanside. Ron and Christina are the first on the boat (Ron waving Mel in, in the first sign of a possible dad-alliance), but the Cowboys are still wandering around when the ferry sails. So they literally missed the boat, and are officially in last place. The good news is that at least nobody's following them any more.
They get on the very ferry after the ads, aware that they have "a little catchin' up to do today." Cord adds, "This race...can turn anywhere at any time." For their sake, it'd better.
Mallory hefts her big compass-disk-thing back out into the sunlight, onto the big brick patio overlooking the water where the flags are waving. "You gotta complete it, "Gary reminds her. Mallory starts the way she starts all tricky tasks: "Jesus, help me please?" Jesus is like, "Really? We just got out of that tank, can I just have five minutes to dry My hair?"
The second ferry arrives at Oceanworld. Seeing their approach from afar, Gary warns Mallory, "Don't let 'em scramble you." He forgot to say "further." The other batch of teams converges on the clue box, Jaime yelling at Cara, "Let's go!" Margie, Flight Time, Justin, Cara, and Vyxsin will be taking this for their respective teams.
Amanda has now joined Mallory at the decoding part of the task. Kris says Amanda will be good at this. Amanda, looking at her scratch paper: "What???"
Kisha is still in the water, and Jen's proud of her when she retrieves a compass. But soon there are almost as many re-racers as fish in the tank. Justin narrates that this was his first time scuba-diving, and says it's easy to panic if you don't know what you're doing. I'm certain that won't happen to anyone here. Jaime admits, "I don't really care for water or sharks." Or crowds. Or noise. Or people who don't speak English. Or people who do speak English but don't move quickly enough. Why's she doing the race again, again? Kent calls the sight of Vyxsin "a visual delight. She looked like a pink "Little Mermaid in there." The amazing thing is that this tank is so huge that none of the re-racers ever seem to encounter each other, either in the tank or the tunnel.
Now that the third ferry has arrived, Ron and Christina find the clue box, and agree that she's taking it. Ron can hardly breathe as it is, here on dry land. Mel will also be doing this one. Back at the flags, Mallory's done, and as she and Gary leave Amanda to it, she tells him what she figured out. They get directions from some locals and head on over.
Kisha joins Amanda, and, like Mallory, also gets her triangles and diamonds mixed up. Jen's not worried. Down in the tank, Justin is the to find a compass. "Yeah! Now get the hell out of there," Zev mutters. Margie also finds one, as does Flight Time, much to Big Easy's delight. Jaime is also pleased that Cara's found one. "My partner's got reeeally good eyesight," she says. And yet she can't see what an ass Jaime can be. Vyxsin, meanwhile, is still searching.
Jet and Cord find the Road Block clue box, still in last place. Jet's doing this one, not that their skill sets aren't pretty much interchangeable.
Kent is watching Vyxsin flail, and Ron is watching his daughter and saying, "You can't put me in there with those monsters." So by all means, dump his child in there instead. Mel's down as well, as Mike says, "I don't know if my heart can take this." I'm more worried about Mel's heart. Jet, who has shed his cowboy hat for the task, tells us, "I'm from Oklahoma, I don't do water. I don't even take baths." That's a pretty good deadpan delivery...I hope.
Gary and Mallory have found the sailing club. They go in the front entrance, all the way through, and out to the docks in back, finding the white-uniformed commodore out there waiting for them. "I am between the devil and the deep blue sea," Mallory says to him, and he hands over their clue, officially putting them in first place. Not bad for a team that left the starting line in second-to-last place. After they open their clue, Phil tells us that they'll have to help sail a 16-foot skiff across Manly Bay. "Upon the firing of the seaman's gun," Phil says (over a shot of a seaman shooting an actual rifle from a boat so you don't start snickering), they'll sail along the course and up to one of three large, inflatable buoys bobbing out there with clues attached to them. And everyone has to change back into wetsuits. Once they're in their gear and down at the beach, the crew runs Gary and Mallory through a quick practice and helps get them set up in that trapezes that swing from the masts, bracing their feet on the gunwales so they can hang out over the side of the boat while they're sailing. They're soon underway, with Mallory wailing, "Please don't flip, we're going so fast!" Oh, these are professionals, I'm sure none of them are going to flip.
Back at the flags, Zev and Justin have just arrived. Amanda offers to "work together" with Kisha, even though she's almost done herself. They wrap it up together as Luke and Margie show up as well, and both teams take off together. The Globetrotters have a little trouble finding the flags, but get there eventually, before anyone else shows up. Team Go Team gets there, and Cara partners with Margie. "Just like old times," Jaime interviews. Indeed.
Kisha and then Amanda get their clues from the commodore, and there's one rule about the sailing task that we didn't hear before: "You may not swim to the clue." I guess that means if they miss it from the boat, they don't get to jump out and go after it. But of course to Jen, that's good news.
Out in the bay, Gary snags a clue off the buoy on the first try. The crew brings them around. Kris also succeeds on the first attempt. "This race is so much better than the last time," Amanda tells him. 'This is frickin' awesome," Kris agrees. Let's just hope they last more than three legs this time. Jen also gets a clue.
Back in the tank, Christina, Mel, Jet, and Vyxsin find compasses nestled in the rocks at the bottom. Topside, Gary and Mallory are returning to shore, where a flagman is waiting, and happily splash their hands in the water as it zooms by underneath them. Stop slowing yourselves down, you two! Amanda and Kris are narrowing the gap, but soon Mallory opens the clue sending them to the Pit Stop. Phil says that would be Shelly Beach, which is a place and not a person. Phil, wearing an outback hat with a brim the size of a satellite dish, reminds us that the first team to check in will win the Express Pass, "giving them an advantage over everyone else in the race." But what about the last team, Phil? What about the last team?
"Warning, the last team to check in may be eliminated:" Mallory reads from the clue, answering my question. She and her dad, as well as Amanda/Kris and Kisha/Jen, are soon on their way.
Back in the tank, Vyxsin can't seem to find her way back to the exit. She narrates that she couldn't relax enough to actually make herself breathe, and we see a dive guide helping her. She compares it to being buried alive. But wouldn't a Goth dig that?
Back from the ads, Vyxsin explains that she realized she needed to get her mind off it by thinking about something more important, and the sudden loss of Kent's dad this past spring seems to fit the bill. As she's telling us in a post-leg interview about how she found the strength to "do it for dad," even Kent sitting to her is looking like, "What?" At least that probably explains why he's back to "Kent" now. Sure enough, Vyxsin finds the exit and climbs out. But it looks like her drawn-on eyebrows weren't so lucky; they're still down there somewhere. Maybe she'll get to go back for them after the end of the leg.
Gary/Mallory and Amanda/Kris are wandering around on foot in search of Shelly Beach. Somehow they seem to be approaching it from different directions through a residential neighborhood. It's not a very big patch of sand, but there's Phil and his hat, and a surfer dude in trunks. What, did the guy in 17th-century regalia have a storytime to get to or something? Both teams are running for it, but the first to arrive are...Gary and Mallory. The greeter welcomes them in first place. Phil hands over the Express Pass while Mallory, predictably, freaks out. "But you guys are still racing," Phil informs them, and hands them their clue. He tells them to read it right there and get going. "No rest," he adds. "You're still going." Mallory is having trouble taking this in. "Mallory, this is no time to dilly-dally!" Phil tells her. She gathers up her stuff, babbling about their second chance until Phil finally says, "Stop talking and go!" I think he'd actually be okay with either one of those options. They run back across the beach and out of the episode.
Amanda and Kris arrive in second place and get their clue, and a reminder that they still have that U-Turn ahead of them, meaning they'll have to do both sides of the Detour. You know, if the show ever gets to it. Kisha and Jen arrive in third place and get their clue as well. Their reaction to the news that the leg is not over is much more calm than it was last time.
Justin recites the phrase to the commodore, so he and Zev are now in fourth place. They take off, and the Team Go Team/Team ASL axis takes their place on the dock. "I am the devil," Margie reads from her notes, unwittingly agreeing with a large number of viewers, "and the deep blue sea. " Cara says the same thing, and they're both told "it's not quite right." They stand there flummoxed. Oh, come on. How hard is this, when you're that close to it? Nobody's ever heard this expression before? Well, obviously Luke hasn't, but don't these people read? Anyone? They'd all totally eat it if they were on Wheel of Fortune.
The Globetrotters are also on their way to the dock, even though they haven't finished the puzzle, because they didn't want to fall behind. Not a good strategy, that, because what do they think will happen when they show up with the job unfinished? Fortunately for them it pays off anyway, because they encounter Team Asperger's while the latter team is on their way to the skiffs on the beach. When they ask them what the phrase was, Justin hollers it out to them. "I owe you one!" Big Easy says. "Yeah, you do!" Justin agrees as he races after Zev. Justin explains after the fact, "They're our boys. We ran with them in the last race and they're good guys. We helped them out, and now they owe us." That's a good point, and I have to admit that getting eliminated for giving up in a challenge is worse than getting eliminated because you're constantly having to scan the ground in front of you for dropped passports. The Globetrotters arrive on the dock, while the other four re-racers who just blew the clue are still standing around wondering what to do and have just hit on the solution: eavesdrop. The Globetrotters thwart that by whispering it to the commodore. They get their clue in fifth place, so the other teams finally realize that maybe they should be going back now for another look at the flags. But on their way back, Margie stops by the beach to ask for help, and Justin says they already helped someone. Cara also asks him, but Justin, getting suited up, isn't playing that with the hot redheads, either. "I'm not helping everybody." Justin interviews that they seemed surprised not to get his help. "We don't know them, really, from a hole in the wall, so it was pretty easy to say no at that point." We see them out on the boat, and Zev claims, "I go sailing every Thursday morning at six o'clock." Well, he did say last time that he likes his routine, but I'm pretty sure he's joking. The Globetrotters, who are physically the largest team in this race, are having trouble keeping their boat straight and level, until they translate their balance skills from the basketball court. Zev and Justin both get a clue off the buoy as they zip by, and Big Easy grabs one as his crew pretty much sails him into it. Rebound!
Christina thinks she's done, so she and Ron head over to the sailing club. Vyxsin and Jet are still decoding. The two dad teams meet Team ASL/Go Team coming back, and they swap the completed phrase for directions to where they're going . Meanwhile, Jet also thinks he's done, even though he's only decoded one line, using the back of his train ticket for scratch paper. Vyxsin also makes an early exit, later describing their strategy as, "Okay, I sort of solved it, let's run away!" Okay, points for self-mockery.
The commodore hands out the clues to Christina, Mel, Cara, and Margie, in that order. I'm not thrilled that more teams who didn't do the work are getting clues, but at least they're waiting behind the ones who did. They've all cleared out by the time Jet and Cord show up at the dock. The commodore confirms that they are in the right place, but asks, "Have you got the other part of it?" "My part of it?" Cord wonders. Jet realizes they're missing something, and they head back. Back on the horse!
The Goths run past the beach and quickly get the phrase from Margie just as she's about to hop onto her skiff. Margie diplomatically interviews, "It just makes sense to maybe have a team that we feel like we might be able to beat at the finish line." And it just makes me annoyed that almost half the teams are getting to proceed without actually having completed part of the task. But I guess I can't stop the re-racers from helping each other out, no matter how loud I yell at the TV. Which is not to say I didn't try.
Team Go Team is out on the bay, and as the boat is tacking, or whatever that thing is when the sail swings over and everyone ducks under the boom (get me with the nautical lingo!), it swings too far and capsizes. "Flip us back, flip is back," Jaime says, but soon she and Cara are hanging in the water beneath the overturned hull as it's coming down on them, while the two-man crew scrambles around on the keel -- which is now the top --trying to right the craft. "I hate to rush you boys, but we're in a race," Jaime calls up from below, as patiently as I've ever heard her. One of the crew tells them, "Head down and hold on." A moment and a dunking later, they're back upright, with Jaime desperate to make up time.
The three parent/child teams sail along, pretty close together. Jaime and Cara clearly didn't lose much time, because they grab a clue . Jaime yells at one of the crew guys, "Off my foot, off my foot, off my foot! Thank you!" Did they give her the most incompetent crew on purpose? And more importantly, is that going to keep happening throughout the race? Because that would be awesome. Ron gets the clue, followed by Margie, then Mel.
Team Asperger's is back on dry land and running for the Pit Stop. The Globetrotters are pretty much wandering. At the sailing club, Kent and Vyxsin say the phrase (that other people decoded for them) in celebratory unison and Kent adds, "Lay it on me," like he did anything. Team Go Team and Team ALS are heading to the Pit Stop, with the two dad teams close behind. Margie says they're exhausted, but they're almost there. Heh, poor Margie. Jet is still working on the decoding. "I have no idea what we're missing," Cord says, charitably sharing the blame. Jet continues working as, in some slick splitscreen work, Zev and Justin are team number four, Flight Time and Big Easy are team number five, Jaime and Cara are team number six, Margie and Luke are team number seven, Ron and Christina are team number eight, and Mel and Mike are team number nine. And, of course, they're all still racing.
Kent and Vyxsin's boat is closing in on buoy number two, and Kent has a little trouble detaching the clue. But I have to give him credit for not letting go; the buoy itself is nearly ripped loose before it releases the envelope. Jet has again decided he's finished, so they're headed back to the commodore while Kent and Vyxsin are getting directions to Shelly Beach. Jet recites to the commodore something like, "This is the Kinnet Sea, H.E. commodore, at the Manly fort skiff sailing club." Dude is starting to sound like Serene Branson.
They head back just as Kent and Vyxsin are the tenth team to arrive. "But there is some bad news," Phil tells them. Emotionally, Vyxsin asks what they did wrong. Where to start...oh, she means they must have incurred a penalty. "You're still racing, "Phil says, but she says that's great news. He hands over their clue and sends them on their way, although Kent pauses to smack the surfer-dude greeter on the ass. "You guys are gonna have to move," Phil tells them. Right now the greeter is wishing he'd moved.
Jet continues to be frustrated. Cord says that if there's another failed attempt, they're going to cut the flags down and take them along so they don't have to run back. Jet is still flummoxed. I have no idea what I'm doing," he says, and the screen goes black except for the words, "To be continued." At which time Jet will still have no idea what he's doing. And I'll still have eleven teams to keep track of for another hour. See you then.
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M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at M.Giant[at]gmail.com.