Brainwave

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Meet this season's teams: "dating models" Brent and Caite, the latter of whom you recall making a rhetorical faceplant at the Miss Teen USA pageant a couple of years ago; cowboy brothers Jet and Cord; father/daughter team Steve and Allie; the brother team of Dan and Jordan (only one of whom is gay); married couple Dana and Adrian; long-distance couple Jordan and Jeff from Big Brother 11; Jody and Shannon, a triathlete and her triathlete granddaughter (!); undercover detectives Louie and Michael, who better win the million because it's going to be hard to go back undercover after this; "mom-preneurs" (their word) Monique and Shawne; married parents Joe and Heidi; and lesbian couple Carol and Brandy.

The race starts by making the racers take public transportation from a park in Los Angeles to LAX, which is less mean than eliminating a team at the starting line, but not by much. Team BB11, Monique and Shawne, and Dana and Adrian make it onto the first flight to Santiago, Chile via Dallas, while everyone else ends up going through Miami an hour later -- in theory, that is, until mechanical problems level the playing field. Then there's a bus ride to Valpariaso (which the cowboys have trouble catching, having loaded up in Brazilian currency) for a Road Block where they walk along high cables over the city. With all the cables and harnesses, it's not as dangerous as it sounds, and both Dan and Adrian survive falling off, at least in the strictest sense. Then they all have to do a little house-painting, which people succeed at in varying degrees. Dan and Jordan lose a paintbrush, earning themselves a fifteen-minute penalty; while Steve and Allie actually paint someone's living room. Jordan and Jeff make it to the Pit Stop first, so she's on her way to her second half-million from CBS. Miss Team USA scores a thirty-minute penalty for not reading the clue, so they rank seventh instead of second. And Adrian never makes it across the cable, even in two attempts, so that'll be it for him and…what was her name again?

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Starting in Los Angeles again? Come on, Amazing Race. As Phil tells us, it's dawn, and "the 25 freeways cutting through town are already jammed with workday traffic." We can see that, thanks. Gosh, I hope they don't plan to make anyone race through that. From the roof of a building I think I once saw CTU raiding, Phil tells us that eleven teams are about to begin a race around the world for one million dollars. As happens with a fair degree of regularity these days.

Three giant coach-style buses, resplendent in Amazing Race-themed versions of those giant advertising condoms you see on vehicles sometimes, are en route to the startling line at the edge of downtown. The teams are inside, of course, and we're about to meet them.

First to get off a bus, in black, are Brent and Caite, "Dating models from South Carolina." Dating models? That's a departure. Plus now I get to look forward to a season of typing the name "Katie" that way. And I thought "Cheyne" was bad. Caite comes right out and tells us that yes, she was that Miss Teen South Carolina. And in case that doesn't ring a bell, the show plays a clip from her moment of glory, when she was asked why so many Americans can't find the U.S. on a world map. "Some...people out there in our nation don't have maps." And that's how Caite earns the first "fail" percussive sound effect of the season before the race has even begun. She says she started talking before there was even a sentence in her head, and the clip continues, "Like such as in South Africa and the Iraq, everywhere like, such as..." And then she gets another one! Brent gallantly comes to her defense, saying she doesn't deserve all the abuse that's been heaped on her. Well, no one does, but her debacle is the only reason a lot of people have ever heard of her. She promises that we'll change our minds about her being ignorant. Well, now I hope so. I'd hate for her to turn out ignorant and a liar.

Here come Jet and Cord, dressed for the rodeo in cowboy hats, button-down shirts, boots, and jeans with big belt buckles. Phil says they're brothers from Oklahoma. They say they've won five world rodeo titles apiece, but when we see clips of their screw-ups -- namely being hurled from the backs of large, bucking animals -- the accompanying music is all sweeping and majestic instead of gongy. Seriously, Jet and Cord have been given their own theme music, with swelling strings and French horns that evoke rugged heroism and the open prairie, and you're going to hear it more tonight than you heard "Sweet Georgia Brown" all last season. Anyway, Jet (the one in the black hat, and I'd like to thank him for his choice of millinery that makes his name so easy to remember) tells us that as unnerving as some of the stuff in the race might be, grabbing onto an 1800-pound bull is as well. Depends on what part you're grabbing.

Here come Steve and Allie, a father-daughter team from Southern California. Steve is apparently a professional baseball coach who led the Phillies to a World Series victory. I'll take his word for that. He says baseball takes you away from home seven months a year, so this is some major quality time with his daughter. Perhaps this will be a chance for him to give her a little personality.

Dan and Jordan, brothers from Rhode Island, hop off the bus in mixy-matchy yellow, blue, and black. This is going to be one of those teams that it takes me a while to tell apart, I can already tell. Dan says he and Jordan are a lot alike, but also different. "I am gay, surprise," Jordan interviews. "I am not," Dan hastens to add. Jordan says, "Gay all the way. Gay is the only way." Dan disagrees. Ooh, tension already!

are Dana and Adrian. They are high school sweethearts who have been married seventeen years, but they are no strangers to failure. Adrian says he put all their savings into a business that tanked. "Having gone through so much, we're gonna use that to our advantage winning this race." He's half right.

Okay, here they are. If you cover enough shows over a long enough period of time, you find yourself recapping some people on more than one series. Sometimes it's a respected thespian like Kathy Bates or James Cromwell, sometimes it's a prolific character actor, but in this case, it's Jordan and Jeff, who after last summer I thought were out of my life forever, or at least until the time they came crawling back to Julie Chen for a chance to help host a Power of Veto challenge or something. Wearing baby-blue, they are described by Phil as "dating long-distance," because Phil is above all that reality TV nonsense. But of course it's not going to be left at that. "Jeff and I met in the Big Brother house," Jordan admits, and we get a clip of Jordan's "I can't tell time" scene with Jeff, which I've already recapped once in my life and I'm not about to do it again. I will say she earns a gong sound of her own. We also see her emerging victorious from the BB11 house, and as we see the two of them having a champagne picnic in an autumnal park somewhere, Jeff says they've been together almost every weekend since leaving the house. "So far, so good. We'll see what happens here, though." All I know is that either they or Dan|Jordan had better go soon. I'm already tired of typing "he-Jordan" and "she-Jordan," and I've only done it once.

Here are Jody and Shannon, in green. "Grandmother and granddaughter, both triathletes," Phil tells us. Jody, the grandmother, talks about the various major athletic events she's racked up. "I'm really looking forward to showing people what a former couch potato can do." Hey, what about a current couch potato? You think all this typing is easy?

Louie and Michael, in matching royal blue shirts and handlebar mustaches, are "undercover detectives from Rhode Island." First, isn't Rhode Island a little overrepresented here? And secondly, how do they propose to go undercover again now that their faces are going to be on national television? Hope that no criminals watch this show? We see them emptying a couple of clips at the gun range, and Michael (the taller one) says he and Louis have learned to adapt to any situation. "Today we could be dealing with a millionaire, tomorrow a crackhead." As though the two are mutually exclusive. We also see them using a battering ram on a crack house (it's shot all grainy and shaky, but the authenticity is undercut a bit by the fact that they're wearing shorts) as Michael says, "I hate to be cocky, I see us wining every leg." Is he quite clear on the meanings of the words "hate," "cocky," "winning," or "every?"

Monique and Shawne, in matching pink t-shirts that read --- well, we'll come back to that -- are best friends and attorneys. Shawne, the one with the longer hair, says, "We're mom-preneurs. We're moms who make it happen." They made those mom-preneurs shirts happen, I admit, but they're not going to make the word happen. Not if I have anything to say about it. Monique adds that they have the skills and the emotional stability to win, although they nearly crack up in the middle of the speech.

Joe and Heidi, in red, do a flying hip-check as Phil tells us they're married parents from El Segundo, CA. In an interview, Joe pronounces himself in charge. Heidi says he's confrontational, and they both know it'll get them in trouble. Oh, good, that team. I was wondering when they'd show up.

Finally, Carol and Brandy, in charcoal, are "dating, from Los Angeles." I think they might be this season's token older couple. They look to be in their forties, which, as we get to know them, will probably turn out to mean they're in their fifties. Carol, the one with the short, bleached-blonde hair, says they'll be in good shape if a clue sends them to the nearest Louis Vuitton. "Go team," says Brandy, the one with the short, black hair. They seem pretty determined to have fun.

Finally, all eleven teams are lined up in front of Phil in a park. Phil warns them that this will be "one of the most difficult and demanding races ever." It certainly will, if this episode is any indication. At least for this bunch. Their first clue, as usual, is sitting on their bags just within sprinting distance behind Phil. But once they read it, they'll have to figure out how to get themselves to the airport using only public transportation. Mean! "And here in Los Angeles, that can be a major challenge," Phil adds unnecessarily. I do like how he basically just told their perennial host city, "You suck." Maybe season they'll start out in a different city after all, because they'll have to. He says there are two flights waiting for them at LAX, but only the first three teams will make it on the first flight, with everyone else consigned to a flight a whole hour later. "As always, the first team to cross the finish line after twelve legs will win one million dollars!" He raises his arm and everyone drops into a starting crouch. The camera sweeps back and forth, and literally in from a helicopter over the city, before Phil finally says, "Go!"

They go.

The clue-reading occurs without incident, and everyone learns at about the same time that they're flying to Santiago, Chile. Then everyone scatters in different directions at a jog. "Who takes the bus in L.A.?" Brandy complains as she runs along the sidewalk. Carol says their version of public transport is not using the valet parking. Okay, so they're fancy. Other teams are scrambling in all directions. Cowboy Cord interviews, "The county that I live in has one light, and it's flashing yellow." I really hope he means one traffic light, or else that is one grim county at night. She-Jordan spots a bus pulling up to a stop, and she and Jeff ask the driver the quickest way to the airport as Dana and Adrian, the high-school sweethearts, arrive right behind them. The driver directs them east to Union Station, where they can catch the FlyAway. Both teams head east.

Shawne and Monique, who are African-American, have also found a source: "Oh, black person, go," one of them says as they run up to a stopped car. They get the same directions, as do Carol and Brandy from a different motorist. Team Undercover and Team Grandma are walking together, and they learn each other's names before they learn where they're going. "Can you tell that we're grandmother and granddaughter?" Jody asks, blatantly fishing. Enthusiastically taking the bait, Louie says he thought she was Shannon's mother. "You get a home-cooked meal for that," Jody says. Oh, is that what the kids are calling it now?

Brent and Caite wait at a bus stop, but at least they're in the shade. Dan and Jordan run past across the street, the latter calling, "I love you, Miss Teen South Carolina!" She returns the sentiment, and she and Brent decide to follow the brothers. In an interview, he-Jordan says, "When I saw her, I almost pooped myself." And then he does her whole speech, verbatim, from memory. Wow.

"Nana's kicking your butt!" Michael exhorts Louie, who makes an excuse about the size of their respective backpacks.

Joe|Heidi and Steve|Allie get on the subway, which I thought nobody in L.A. ever uses because the only time you ever see it is in barely-foiled terror attacks on 24. Joe seems very confident that they'll reach the airport first. Dan|Jordan and Miss Team USA also make it onto the same train before it pulls away. Team Undercover and Team Nana arrive on the empty platform a minute later, to learn that the train only comes every twenty minutes. That's going to be hard to make up at the airport.

Jordan|Jeff lead the pack into Union Station. "I think we're going to Guatemala?" Jeff says. I know they read the clue in a hurry, so that mistake is understandable if you mentally divide the countries of the world into very general regions. Jordan thinks they're going to China, which is understandable if you mentally keep the countries of the world alphabetized. On the FlyAway bus, with Monique|Shawne, Dana|Adrian, and Carol|Brandy also riding, she admits, "I've never even heard of these places." By which she means Santiago and the city that follows, rather than Chile itself. Of course she's heard of Chile. Although it's possible she has it confused with chili. Jeff asks her if she ever watched Where in the World Is Carmen Sandiego?, which is probably a spiritual predecessor of this show in a lot of ways. Everyone on the bus who has actually heard of Chile is excited to go there. And so is everyone on the train. So that's everyone, right?

The four teams on the first train think it's going to be a race between them for the three slots on the first flight, which is so cute. Brent is the one on this train who recognized Jeff and Jordan. "She won Big Brother," he reports. "That's how they met." The same conversation about four teams racing for three spots is going on aboard the FlyAway bus. "We might have to break somebody's leg getting off the bus," Carol says. The bus pulls up and the doors open, and first off are Monique and Shawne, followed by Adrian and Dana, then Jordan and Jeff, and Brandy and Carol bringing up the rear. Inside the ticketing terminal, Adrian is the first to spot the Amazing Flag, and leads the sprint to that counter. But Monique and Shawne somehow get there first. "We need tickets to China," Jordan duhs to the agent. I think you know which Jordan. You know, she's also from South Carolina, and with her and Caite both on the race, I think their absence from the state has temporarily raised its median I.Q. by ten points. The three lead teams successfully book themselves on the earlier flight through Dallas, while Carol and Brandy are the only team in that group to get stuck on the second flight through Miami (for now). "Please tell me it's raining in Dallas," Carol says.

The first Metro Rail train gets there, and the four teams on that have a longer jog to the terminal. Joe and Heidi are the first of that group to get to the counter, and are stunned to learn the first flight is full. Something tells me that Joe is used to being stunned to learn he's wrong.

With the panic of arrival over, he-Jordan makes friends with Carol and Brandy by performing his Caite impersonation for them. They know who he's talking about right away. Caite can hear them, but takes it in good grace. The cowboys, meanwhile, get the idea to exchange their money. "I guess Brazil's the money we're supposed to get," Cord says at the counter. Too bad they're going to Chile. It's like they're thinking, "Eh, close enough." Caite talks to Team Undercover about how people expect her to be a bitch, and, Brent adds, "the lesbians go, 'Where's her tiara?'" Walking to the gate for their later flight through Miami, Brandy says, "We're praying for weather in Dallas, and/or a major mechanical failure."

So then the very first prayer of the season gets answered. Hopefully God is like, "Okay, that's it. You're done. Quit bugging Me until you get home." The first three teams learn about a delay in their flight, which has been pushed back ten minutes. "I will freak out," Jordan says. They seem to be overreacting, until the gate agent says they're probably going to have to switch planes. Okay, that's a setback.

After the ads, that's all Adrian needed to hear; he and Dana go to the podium to check on different flights. Fortunately there is one -- leaving in about an hour, through Miami. Sound familiar? "Better that than losing the day," the agent correctly points out. From where he and Jordan are sitting, Jeff sees what's going on, and Jordan asks if they should do the same. And in case you didn't see them on Big Brother last season, I'm just going to tell you right now that this is going to be their dynamic for the season. They make the swap, as do Monique and Shawne.

"Oh, suh-nap!" he-Jordan says as they see the former lead teams arriving, just as boarding is about to begin. Level playing field, table for 22. "There is that mechanical failure I was praying for," Brandy says to their faces, but everyone has a good laugh. She should be clear that she was praying for it to happen on the ground.

"Is this your first time out of the country?" Jeff asks Jordan as they walk down the jetway. She just laughs shyly. So I guess he didn't take her to Hawaii after all. The plane takes off, and the Amazing Red Line goes over to Miami, then threads the needle between Guatemala and Brazil before alighting in Santiago. No sign of China. Phil narrates that upon landing, they have to hop buses to Valparaiso, sixty miles away. And it's a funicular town, as we see. The Amazing Race can never resist a funicular. "Valparaiso is known as the San Francisco of South America," Phil announces, in reference to the steep hills of the coastal city. When they get there, they'll have to get to the top of something called the Ascensor Villaseca to find their clue.

So everyone lands in Santiago, and there's a bit of a scramble for buses, which fortunately for them are very clearly marked. You have to pay the driver. Jordan|Jeff, Brent|Caite, Dana|Adrian, and Monique|Shawne are all on the first bus, leaving at 12:15. Yikes, that sounds like it's almost been a full day since they left L.A. A bunch more teams are about to get onto a 12:20 bus, but Jet and Cord run into trouble trying to pay with Brazilian reals. "Should I admit this?" Jet asks in an interview. "You should," Cord says. Jet admits, "The closest thing they had to Chilean money in Los Angeles was Brazilian money." Carol and Brandy feel bad for them, but not bad enough to hang around with them while they go back into the airport to change their reals into something they can use. As they shouldn't. That means Carol and Brandy are the only ones on the 12:20 bus, and they know of at least three teams behind them. As Jet and Cord finally get on the same bus with Team Undercover, and Jody|Shannon, Jet observes, "Apparently you're better off in Chile with American money than you are with something else. Brazilian money, that doesn't work here." I fear they are not long for this race, unless they have learned their lesson that you can't really get away with rounding to the nearest country.

The first bus arrives in Valparaiso, and Jordan and Jeff hold onto their lead as the cab-wrangling commences. Brent|Caite and Monique|Shawne are behind them, followed by Dana and Adrian in fourth. Then the second bus arrives, with Joe and Heidi in fifth, and Steve|Allie in sixth.

She-Jordan keeps covering her eyes as Jeff and her cab speed through traffic. Miss Team USA still passes them, though. They're the first to arrive at the top of the hill, and they open the clue in a crouch to avoid detection. It's a Road Block!

"In a city where you can see old-fashioned laundry lines strung between windows," Phil narrates, "daredevils have expanded the concept into the ultimate rite of passage: cable walking." This is not to be confused with tightrope walking; while you do walk along a cable for this, you also have a cable overhead to hold onto with your hands, so this is theoretically something that can be accomplished without years of training. There's even a safety harness and everything in case someone does take a tumble, like that would ever happen. Phil says they'll be 120 feet above the ground on a cable the length of a football field, which is like Phil's standard unit of measurement. Their clue is waiting for them on the other side of the valley. Brent drafts Caite for this one. Caite excitedly leads the way to the platform, saying she has no fear of heights and wants to win. Have to give her props for her competitive spirit. Such as.

Jordan and Jeff's cab pulls up. As they read the clue, we see that it reads, "Who has the balance of a cat and the courage of a lion?" Since Jeff's fear of heights is greater than Jordan's, she's taking this. Caite is already out on the cable, loving life and even encouraging Jordan as she comes out behind her. "It's windy as ____!" Miss Teen South Carolina hollers down to the world.

Dana|Adrian and Monique|Shawne both seem to have cabdrivers who are lost, and having trouble with the concept of uphill. So the teams to arrive at the clue are Joe|Heidi, Dan|Jordan, and Steve|Allie. Joe, Dan, and Allie, respectively, will be taking the Road Block. Dan says he isn't scared. "I mean, if I fall and something breaks, that's just the way it goes." Okay, then. As Steve starts hauling his and Allie's bag to the meeting point on the far side of the valley, he takes a moment to get choked up about his daughter's balance and courage. Dan joins the two women on the cables, followed by Joe. And there's Allie, too, with their partners all calling encouragement up from below. I should add that there are multiple sets of cables, so it's not like anyone is going to be shaking anyone else off. Brandy decides to take this one for her and Carol, "In about a nanosecond," as Carol says, but then there's a whole montage of Brandy trying not to freak out. Once she's out on the cable, she's the first one who starts shaking. And this looks like a situation where, once you start shaking, the vibration keeps bouncing back to you and amplifying itself. Brandy's in for a long cable-walk.

Caite's already finished, so she and Brent are still in the lead. Phil says that now it's time to use "one of Valparaiso's 120-year-old funiculars, the Ascensor Artilleria" back down the hill to get to their clue. They leave at a jog. "Funiculars!" Brent says, leaving them no excuse for what they're about to do.

The third bus to Valparaiso is just now arriving. "Drive it like you stole it, my brother," Michael or Louie says to their cab driver as they head out in ninth place. And they would know. Team Nana precedes the Cowboys off the bus. "Don't let her age fool you," Cord says. "She runs marathons, so the drive that she has to have just to keep going has to be amazing." Spoken like someone racing behind her. She and her granddaughter are in tenth, meaning the Cowboys are in last place. This must be difficult for them to adapt to, coming as they do from a sport where a longer time is often a good thin

g. They quote Speedy Gonzales at their cabbie, who shakes his head. How are kids that age even still seeing those cartoons? he wonders to himself.

Monique|Shawne and Dana|Adrian have finally arrived at the clue. Monique nominates Shawne, and Dana tells Adrian to do it.

She-Jordan is nearly across the cable, but showing signs of fatigue. I'd draw a parallel to her record of never winning any endurance-based Head of Household challenges on that other show, but I can't actually remember and I'm not about to go back and look. He-Jordan says that Dan is doing an awesome job, just before Dan falls off his cable. Don't worry, though -- Dan's still got a grip on his walking cable, and the three safety cords have a grip on Dan. He dangles there, wondering what to do now. He-Jordan calls up, "Try and lift yourself up. Bro, just try and zhuzh yourself along with your hands, or kick your feet up maybe." "Zhuzh"? Queer eye for the straight racer. Dan figures out how to pull himself along the cable with his hands, like that Detour in Prague last season, which he-Jordan loves. Brandy, meanwhile, is making her cables vibrate like guitar strings, praying for help. I bet she'd trade that mechanical failure for a little assist right now.

After the ads, she figures out how to sit down on the walking cable without letting go of the one overhead. Coffee break! Shawne has started across, continually repeating, "God is with me." Meanwhile, Adrian is getting strapped into his harness, either boasting or trying to psyche himself up. "I'm the big dog. Big dog gotta roar, right?" Uh, no. Dana says he took it for his strength, as opposed to having taken it because she told him to. But she's concerned about how a guy his size will manage. He does look pretty big out on that cable. He whispers encouragement to himself. Brandy does the same, repeating "I can do this I can do this" until she gets to her feet and switches to "I am doing this I am doing this." She-Jordan finally makes it to the end, worn out. She and Jeff get their clue, but Jeff doesn't know what a funicular is. And he's the brains of the operation.

Speaking of brains, Brent and Caite walk right past the funicular ticket booth at the top of the hill and take the stairs instead. Cue a percussive fail noise, which is already in danger of becoming "Caite's Theme" this season. Dan finishes the cable-walk as Jordan and Jeff get directions to the funicular from the locals. "Oh, that's the Thing!" Jeff realizes. Dan and Jordan are right behind them boarding, so it's a very Jordan-rich environment in that funicular down the hill. Jeff breaks the news that Caite and Brent are "pretty far ahead." "I guess I underestimated that team," he-Jordan overestimates, while she-Jordan admires the view of the harbor. It is pretty spectacular.

Brent and Caite do at least get to the clue box at the bottom of the hill first. "Time to paint the town," the clue reads. Then, over a montage of what looks like the street set of the Too Close for Comfort of South America, Phil tells us that Valparaiso is all about the multicolored homes. Although it's more accurate to say that each home is a different bright color, but you get the idea. "So much so that when the salt air damages the paint, the city pays for the homes to be restored. Now teams must join in this beautification effort." Is the city kicking in on the million-dollar prize?

Suddenly we're in an alley, with eleven wooden ladders leaned up against the wall. At the foot of each ladder are four cans of brightly colored paint and a pair of paintbrushes. Phil says each team must choose the paint and supplies and carry them up steep Templeman Street until they find a house that's the same bright color as the paint they chose. Then they have to paint "an unfinished section of the house." Which is like about a square yard or two of white area, so whatever. Clearly the carrying and finding is going to be the hard part. Then they'll get their clue. Caite picks up four cans of coral red, leaving the ladder for Brent to carry. He tries to hurry her along as they wander the streets in search of their job site, even busting out with a "Crikey!" I remind you that Brent is from South Carolina. They confess to some frustration. Rather! Cor, blimey!

Meanwhile, the two teams that have Jordans in them have reached the end of their funicular ride. thing we see, Jordan and Jeff are picking out their team color, baby blue, while Dan and Jordan pick yellow. None of them wants to go uphill, though, so they're in for a long walk. And Jordan is carrying her ladder crossways up the street, so Jeff takes it away from her before she breaks someone's car window or mirror. So he's carrying everything for them. Remember what I said earlier about their dynamic? This is part of it, too.

Allie says, "This is what the race is all about," just before finishing the cable walk. Joe and Heidi are close behind. Brandy is still out there, about to throw up. You don't want to be under her when that happens. Shawne's closing the gap, but Adrian is just inching along.

At the funicular station, Steve calls out to Joe to come this way. He explains how he's spent his life in team sports. "I help you, you help me," he explains. He gets that his team only consists of him and Allie, right? No? On board the funicular, Joe gives Allie props for passing him on the cable. I think we're watching the birth of an alliance.

Brandy looks wrung-out as she climbs off the cable, although I don't hear her whispering to herself, "I have done this I have done this." She later interviews that it was a cool feeling to know she didn't give up. "You have no idea how hard that was," she tells Carol as they walk to the funicular. No, actually we can tell by looking at her.

Brent|Caite meet up with Jordan|Jeff on a street corner, still not having found where they're supposed to be. The only direction left to go is uphill, so there they go. "Nothin's ever easy," Jeff says. He hasn't seen the size of the patch they have to paint.

Louie and Michael arrive at the Road Block and Louie's taking it. Adrian's still out there, telling himself to keep his eyes up. Shawne finishes the task, so she and Monique are in eighth place. Louie is already closing in on Adrian, and even encourages him as he catches up. Which is undeniably sportsmanlike of him, but given Adrian's slow progress, it's also clear that Louis can afford to.

The last two teams are still in their cabs, talking about each other and their impending battle for last place. That's actually not going to be much of a battle.

Steve and Allie get their clue in fourth and pick out red. They may end up wishing they hadn't. Joe and Heidi are in fifth place. Meanwhile, Jeff calls encouragement back to his partner as they make their way up the hill. She interviews that he's like a coach. "She gets more motivated when I have all the packs, running uphill," Jeff says. That is not the case here; she's carrying not only her own pack, but two of the four paint cans. Whereas Jeff is slacking, lightly burdened with only the other two paint cans, his pack, and the ladder. And all the thinking, of course. They soon find a house that matches the color of the paint they're carrying, except that little white patch that they should be able to cover in a few minutes. Brent and Caite find their coral house soon after. Carol and Brandy ride the funicular down alone and get their clue in sixth place. They pick green. Is that color description not specific enough? Well, as they walk down the street, one of them says, "We're looking for a Martha Stewart Seafoam Green, From the 1997 collection. Before jail." Meanwhile, Jordan and Jeff finish painting, and get their clue in first place.

It's to the Pit Stop, Palacio Baburizza. "This ninety-year-old chalet is the Pit Stop for this leg of the race," Phil says. "The last team to check in here may be eliminated." Don't worry, they won't. Jordan and Jeff catch their cab to the Pit Stop before Caite and Brent are finished painting. But a moment later, accepting their clue form the local painter, Caite says, "Danke." Thanking someone in German in a Spanish-speaking country? Some people really don't have maps.

Louie is widening his lead on a visibly struggling Adrian. "These wires aren't made for heavy guys," he commiserates, even though he's doing fine.

Jody and Shannon quickly decide that Shannon will be doing the Road Block, since she has better balance. In other balance news, Cord gets his cowboy hat knocked off by his cab's closing trunk lid. But obviously Cord is doing this Road Block. I mean, come on, his name is Cord.

Meanwhile, as Jody starts schlepping her and her granddaughter's crap to the meeting point, she says, "I have the balance of a drunken elderly person on stilts." Awesome.

Adrian isn't doing much better than Jody would have. Finally, with a yell, he topples backward and is left dangling helplessly from his cable. Unlike Dan, he doesn't even have a grip with his hands. "Okay, that wasn't good," Dana says. And then the commercials hit, leaving him hanging.

All, right, I'm sorry. Geez.

After the ads, a figure identified by the red subtitle "SAFETY SPECIALIST" monkeys out to where Adrian has been in suspense this whole time (sorry, again). Dana is more worried about Adrian than anything else. The guide tells Adrian, "Now we go slowly back to the other side." Adrian wants to try pulling himself back up, and the guide is like, "Knock yourself out." Which Adrian very nearly does before admitting defeat and agreeing to allow the guide to tow him back to the starting platform. Now that's embarrassing.

Louie, meanwhile, finishes up so that he and Michael can get their clue in eighth place. Michael sees the word funicular in the clue and says, "Sounds fun." Can't spell funicular without it. They holler encouragement back to Adrian as they leave. Adrian is just now returning to the starting platform, asking to be removed from his harness. So he's...done? Dana calls across that he has another chance. If he'll just take it.

The majestic, sweeping theme of Cowboys In Last Place accompanies Cord's

hatless sojourn out onto the cable, at the same time as Shannon. I just realized none of them have worn helmets out there, which is a little surprising. Jet says his brother isn't short in nerve. "I've hit the ground hard a lot of times, but never that high," Cord admits. He's never been on a 120-foot-tall bull? How did he win all those world titles, then?

On a seaside patio behind the Palacio Baburizza, a Chilean version of a mariachi band is playing a jaunty tune as Jordan and Jeff run up to the mat. The young male greeter tips his hat and welcomes them to Valparaiso. Phil tells them they're team number one, and they hug happily. They've also won a trip to Vancouver, which will include a skeleton ride at the Whistler Sliding Venue, which of course at the time of shooting was not known as the grim place of high-speed death that it is today. Jordan has apparently been praying every night not to mess up, "And so far, He's been with me," she says, as they do a little jig on the mat. So glad to see she's enjoying China.

Here come Brent and Caite, "the second team to arrive," which always precedes a "however." Phil tells them that for not taking the funicular as instructed, they've incurred a thirty-minute penalty. He sends them over to a park bench right behind the mat to wait it out. That gives them a much better view of the faces of the teams who officially check in before them, you see.

Monique and Shawne get their clue in seventh place, and with their cans of pea-green paint, get directions from an American-accented dude up the hill. Monique is carrying the ladder like her head is in a picture frame formed by two of the rungs, and calls it her cross. "If Jesus could do this, I can do this. I'm trying to be like Jesus." Wait, did Phil say the task involved getting nailed to the ladder once you get to the top of the hill? Also, I'm really looking forward to how she does on a Detour when the choices are between making the lame to walk and the blind to see.

Dan realizes that he dropped a brush. He-Jordan is very upset about this, and I don't see how it's such an emergency that a grooming item has gone missing, especially as short as their hair is. Then I realize he's talking about one of the paintbrushes for the task. That's more of a problem. Dan wonders what to do, but Jordan snits that they have to look for it before they can worry about that.

Steve and Allie have found a house that is undergoing some kind of renovation, so they go inside. Suddenly they're inside a room that's paneled in ebony up to about shoulder level, with white plaster above that that's in the process of being painted red. And that red is just about the same color of the red they're carrying, so they figure that's where they're supposed to be. A couple of workers show up but don't immediately throw them out, even when Allie STARTS PAINTING THE INTERIOR WALL! The colors don't quite match, but she's hoping they will when it dries. Oh, no. "Look, I don't know what they are doing here," one of the workers tells the camera in subtitled Spanish. Don't worry, neither do they. But in the background, Allie's making pretty good progress on that wall she's not supposed to be painting.

Monique and Shawne find their house, and get their clue in third place while Joe|Heidi and Carol|Brandy continue searching.

Once again with the heroic Cowboy Theme, as Cord has opened up a commanding lead on Shannon up on the cables. "Apparently there's somebody over there that ain't wantin' to come across," Jet remarks. And that person's wife is wondering what the hell is going on with him. Jet and Cord finish, now in ninth.

Over at the Pit Stop, Brent and Caite still have 21 minutes left on their penalty, as Brent tells us they wrote "Details" on their hands. Yes, but was that meant as a reminder of what to keep in mind during the race, or an affirmation for Brent's goal of scoring a magazine cover? Caite says hers must have rubbed off, just as Monique and Shawne arrive at the mat in second place. So that's one ranking Miss Team USA lost, by failing to read not only the clues but their own hands.

Michael and Louie get their paint clue, and pick out a little darker blue. Meanwhile, Dan and Jordan have given up the search for their missing paintbrush, and Jordan tells Dan, "Well then, you need to calm down, because you lost the brush and you need to figure out what to do with this." That's certainly calming. They figure there'll be a penalty waiting for them, but all they can do is press on.

Jet and Cord get their clue and their ladder. "Arriba!" they crow. Shannon finishes her cable walk. And Dana calls across the valley to Adrian, "I need you to try again!" Adrian tells us -- and his wife, months later, on national television -- "She's gonna ride me like a horse. I'll give it a try again." He starts over. Dana says, "I'll never stop loving him, but I'm gonna push him." Right, like a horse. We heard.

"This was so lucky, I'm so happy you said come in here, oh my gosh," Allie tells Steve. The workers are just laughing at this point, probably figuring they've become the subjects of some prank TV show rather than befuddled locals in an Emmy-winning reality series. Allie gets to some random point where she stops and the guy pronounces, "That is ugly. They don't know how to paint." Then when Allie asks him for a clue, he just shrugs and spreads his hands. "I went from genius to, 'are you kidding me, Dad?'" Steve interviews afterwards as Allie makes an "L" sign to him. Now they've wasted time, they've vandalized someone's house, and still have to find the correct house. Plus they have less paint to work with.

Michael and Louie find some graffiti on a periwinkle wall, and Michael thinks that's what they need to cover. Louie eventually talks him out of it, but it looks like it took a few minutes. Dan and Jordan find and start on their yellow house, and are soon caught up by the cowboys, who are suddenly on their way to the Pit Stop in fifth place. Team Nana gets their paint clue and some beige paint, which they hang from the ladder while each of them carries an end and Shannon talks about the muscle groups she's been working today. The cowboys sprint up to the mat in third place. Jet interviews, "Cowboys aren't necessarily some hicks from Texas." First, who ever said that? And secondly, they're from Oklahoma.

Adrian is again struggling across the cable, and Dana's pretty sure they're in last place. That is the one thing their team is getting right at present.

Dan and Jordan are the fourth team to arrive at the Pit Stop, but they aren't entirely surprised to have a fifteen-minute paintbrush penalty to wait out. Brent and Caite still have four minutes left on theirs. A little early in the season for overlapping penalties, isn't it? Steve, Allie, Joe, and Heidi all jump onto the mat at the same time, apparently having finished their painting not only simultaneously but off-screen. They're teams four and five respectively, and we're left to wonder why the show is back to including airport hijinks instead of letting us see people actually do their tasks. Louie and Michael finish their painting and get their clue in ninth place. Which is not fast enough to beat Carol and Brandy, who arrive in sixth place while Brent and Caite still have a minute on their penalty and I guess Dan and Jordan have twelve on theirs. Adrian struggles some more on the cable. Brent and Caite finally get to check in at seventh, which they'll take, like they have a choice. In a post-leg interview, Caite says she's proven herself. "Technically, we really are second." Yes, she has proven herself, all right.

Dana mutters, "Please don't fall," across the wide gulf separating her from her husband. Dan and Jordan at last get to check in as team number eight. "Tomorrow is a new day," Jordan says magnanimously. Dana says she loves Adrian even more, since she knows how much he's hurting right now.

Louie and Michael are stunned to hear they're team number nine. Phil asks if they'll let those young racers beat them, and they promise it won't happen again. Two full tasks behind everyone else, Adrian is shaking on his cable again, and once again he goes toppling off. Hard to see how they'll recover from this. They both say he tried, and she says she's proud of him for trying his hardest. What, he's not going to make a third go of it?

Jody and Shannon reach the mat and are told, "You're going to be racing another leg of the race." Maybe even two, but who wants to go that far out on a limb? Phil asks Shannon if she's worried about her grandmother, and she really isn't. And from what we've seen so far, why would she be? As long as there aren't a lot more balance-intensive tasks, that is.

Dana and Adrian are reunited on one of the cable-walking platforms, awaiting their fate, as he says they're hoping for non-elimination. And here comes Phil, which I don't recall him ever having to do in a season premiere before. He says all the teams have checked in, and he's sorry to tell them they've been eliminated. "That's not good," Dana says over their unnecessary subtitle reading, "Dana & Adrian -- Last Place." "We're not happy about that." Phil asks Dana what it says about Adrian that he went and tried again. Dana calls him an iron man (he certainly moved on that cable like he was made of iron), and she knows he's beating himself up. He says in an interview that it was gut-wrenching not to be able to finish. Dana adds. "We have had life challenges that that cable can't even mount up to." Adrian says they have each other. And I hope that they have also had some successes in their life that they haven't mentioned, because from all we know about them, they're pretty much batting zero right now.

M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at M.Giant[at]gmail.com

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