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The Racers are off to Phuket, Thailand. The only clue they have for their destination is a photo of a gorilla statue, which they have to ask around for the location of. Everyone but the Whites goes straight to Phuket Zoo to get photographed with a tiger and stepped on by elephants, while Mel and Mike go to the beach instead for some reason, and fall to last place. Then everyone goes to a multi-drawered spice shop, where by having multiple drawers opened by trial and error, they learn that the Detour is a choice between a two-mile rickshaw run and a hundred-barrel fishing-boat prep task. Mark and Michael finish the rickshaw task first, after messing with the tire pumps and having their cabbie lead them along the route, both of which are against the rules. So their first win goes out the window as a result of a double penalty. They still have four minutes on the clock when Tammy and Victor arrive and secure their third win, followed by Team Go Team in second place. Third place is still the best finish the Stuntmen have had. When Margie and Luke arrive in fourth, she topples from the heat and the exertion, and Phil proves to be the game show host you most want around when you collapse. Meanwhile, Mike and Mel do the boat-prep Detour smarter than Kisha and Jen, but not fast enough to recover from their early mistake and avoid Philimination. They will be missed, but maybe they should have listened to the people who tried to send them to the zoo.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Phil tells us that This! is Jaipur, India. Surprisingly, it's only 300 years old, which in India means that in terms of history, it's roughly equivalent to a strip mall. However, as Phil says, "It's known throughout India for its beauty." And for its Fargo-like water table, if the b-roll is any indication. But that's not a problem at Jaigurh Fort. "Perched 600 feet above the ground, this sky-high fortress was the sixth Pit Stop in a race around the world." It's not literally hanging in the air, I hasten to add. It's just at the top of a high hill. We'll just have to hope that future seasons will locate a Pit Stop somewhere in Bespin.
Tammy and Victor arrived first, but we don't know at what time. All we know is that they're leaving today at 10:21 a.m. They rip their clue, and are quite happy to learn that they're flying to Phuket, Thailand. Which, apparently, is pronounced "Poo-KET," and not the way it looks to Western eyes. Much to the relief of the FCC, I am sure. Once they arrive in Phuket, they'll have to find a statue of a giant gorilla, directed only by a photograph of said statue that was tucked in with their clue. Luckily, the statue is at the Phuket Zoo, so it shouldn't be too hard to find. As long as nobody randomly lets someone lead them to a beach or something, everyone should be okay. "It's there that they'll find their clue," Phil finishes, as we see the clues strapped to the statue's back. Victor reads from the clue that they should get their tickets at either a local agency called Riya Travel, or Jaipur Airport. After learning that the travel agency is only 15 kilometers away, Team Family Law goes with that option, and gets into one of the cabs that are waiting in the Fort's parking lot for the Racers. Moments later, they've rejoined the city traffic in their cab. Tammy tells the story of her visit to Phuket, with her parents. "Mommy and Daddy wouldn't even let me go to the beach," she says. When was this, last year? She interviews that everyone in her family has always thought of Victor as the one who's always right. Lucky for her, the country now knows better. "I wasn't allowed to walk, like, more than ten feet away from my parents or talk to anybody, so this will be a better experience for me," she laughs. How nice that she gets to revisit the place with a travel companion who's so much less controlling. Lately.
Mel and Mike are leaving in second place, at 10:50, and are following in Tammy and Victor's footsteps. "Phuket, my favorite city," Mel adds in the cab to the travel agency. Mike interviews that they want to do well, "but we don't want to be so competitive and so tunnel-vision about the race that we forget how much fun this is." Mike asks his dad if he speaks any Thai, and Mel deadpans, "Yeah, mai tai." Long pause. "That was a pun," Mel explains. "Yeah, I know," Mike says. For a moment, he thought he might be able to get away with pretending he never heard that.
.
Tammy and Victor arrive at the travel agency, which is in a second-floor storefront and staffed with six or eight locals in shirts and ties. The agent they talk to says their fastest route is from New Delhi to Bangkok to Phuket, and will arrive at 8:50 a.m. Sounds like a full day of Racing.
"Fly to Pakoot, Thailand," Kisha reads as she and Jen leave at 11:02 a.m. As we see more and more monkeys hanging around the Fort (seriously, it's like the Amazing Cameramen left India with literally miles of monkey footage), Kisha interviews about their "competitive edge." They're also opting to go to the travel agency, and Jen interviews that "Kisha's my main focus and I hope that I'm her main focus right now, because, I don't really care about any of the other teams." She should at least care about finishing legs before the other teams.
Margie and Luke high-ten before opening their clue at 11:03 and leaving in fourth place. They're also happy about Thailand. Margie interviews about how much work it is to converse in sign language sometimes. As we see them debate over whether to go to the airport or the travel agency first, with Margie insisting on the latter, she solo-interviews, "It's tiring, but I wouldn't change it for anything." You wouldn't think that's the kind of remark that would turn out to be ironic later, but you'd be wrong.
Cara and Jaime are getting going at 11:04. Jaime wastes no time getting on their cabdriver's nerves, loudly telling Cara to check his gas gauge after he's already said he has enough fuel, and chanting at him to "Let us in, let us in, let us in" while Cara's already in the backseat. They agree to go straight to the airport. "Everybody has seen by now that patience is not my virtue," Jaime understates in an interview. We're waiting to see what her virtue is, other than compassion for animals. Sitting right to her, Cara expands on the theme of how Jaime has trouble with language barriers, but she's being far too diplomatic for her partner. "I don't like foreign language," Jaime baldly states. "I get so tired of listening to people talk. I'm so tired of noise, that's why I want to get out of India. I don't like the honking..." Back to the cab, where she keeps haranguing the driver in her version of "friendly." "This little thing needs to go," she encourages. He looks a bit annoyed. He should be glad she's doing "patronizing" instead of "actively hostile."
Mike and Mel walk into the travel agency just as Tammy and Victor are getting their itinerary printed out. "We need to get what they're doing," Mike dorks. Tammy looks annoyed. I don't know why everyone looks annoyed when people do that.
Mark and Michael are the last to leave, at 11:11. As they scamper to one of the waiting cabs, Michael admits that they're starting at the end of the pack, like that's new. "We're last but we're not last by much," Mark insists. "We just gotta keep on with it and go forward with little or no errors," he says. Tall order. Mark lectures that Phuket is a well-known diving city. "We're swimmers naturally, so it's not going to be a big deal." Assuming any of the tasks have anything at all to do with that. But then, according to Mark, they are awesome at everything, so it shouldn't matter one way or another.
In the back of their cab, Kisha is counting out a little cash. Which is when we see that children are crowding the car, sticking their hands in the cracked-open window. The money is snatched away while Jen says, "That's why you shouldn't do that." But Kisha meant to do that, as she interviews that as a middle school activities coordinator who works with kids all the time, it was extra-hard for her to see the starving kids in India. "Just really makes you appreciate what you have," she adds in the cab. Yes, it's a cliché, but she put her money where her mouth is.
Margie and Luke hit the travel agency , followed by the Stuntmen, who have passed Kisha and Jen in transit. Probably by not stopping to hand out money. Each team is working with its own agent, but as Mel says, "We're pretty positive everybody has the same flight, because the travel agents are passing around the information." Everyone assumes that Cara and Jaime went to the airport. Which they have, and they get booked on the same flight. Well, that was easy. Do planes just not fill up this season?
Everyone boards the plane together that evening. As he makes his way down the aisle, Mark says, "Lices and germs, welcome to my airline." Does he even know what he's talking about half the time? As for the fact that everyone's on the same flight again, "It makes it kind of fun," Margie remarks to Luke. "Big race." The plane lifts off. With a dogleg south at Bangkok, the Amazing Red Line streaks over to Phuket. "14 hours later," reads the chyron as it touches down the morning. Phuket b-roll is heavy on boats and temples, and then we're on the ground at the airport. Mark and Michael get in their taxi first. Team Go Team takes off in second place, wedging their backpacks into their laps in the back seat rather than wasting time putting them in the trunk. "We are driving to find this monkey statue," Cara reminds us, holding up the photo. You suppose they could have asked anyone on the plane about that? Margie and Luke are in third, with Kisha and Jen in fourth while Tammy and Victor are still trying to find a cab. Soon, after finding a driver and telling him they're in a hurry, they're screaming around a curve on the way out of the airport. "Safe but fast," Victor corrects. Mel and Mike, meanwhile, are wandering around looking for a cab. Not a good start. But it's going to get worse.
Jaime decides to try to relate to her cabbie on a human level by asking him his name, which he gives as Sak. And then she instantly wrecks it by asking, "Sack, do you know what a race is?" In a joint interview, Cara makes fun of Jaime for patronizing people. Does Jaime object to being called out like this? No, she thinks it's hilarious. Oh, tee hee, look at me, I'm such an adorable singularity of hatred.
Tammy and Victor are also learning their cabbie's name, which happens to be Mr. Bandit. "'Bandit' in Thailand means 'Teacher,'" Mr. Bandit explains, rather than letting them think of him as the guy named "Thief" or "Robber," old-timey synonym or not. "Bandit means teacher in Thai," Victor repeats quietly to himself, mentally filing it away. "Or, 'Awesome,'" Tammy adds. I do like how she keeps finding new ways to have a positive attitude.
Mel and Mike finally hail a cab, and the driver takes one look at the photo of the gorilla statue and decides, for some reason, that they need to go to Patong Beach. Soon they're on their way there. Which is...not good. At the same time, the Stuntmen are showing their photo to their cabbie, who first laughs at them like they're trying to pay a joke on him. And, admittedly, how would you react if a couple of short foreigners walked up to you, showed you a picture of a gorilla, and said, "Take us here"? When he realizes they're serious, he admits he doesn't know where it is, so now that they're in town, they stop for directions from a bystander. Margie and Luke are also stopping, and the cheerleaders tell their driver to stop when they see their allies getting out of their car. Jen and Kisha are also pulling up to the group, and decide to join the quest for directions. Okay, I know there is more than one street in Phuket, so this is just weird. Kisha tells Jen to get the picture out, but Jen doesn't want to spend the time. "Just say a big-ass gorilla," she says. Victor and Tammy also join the group of Racers wandering up and down the sidewalk, calling out, "Gorilla? Gorilla?? Gorilla???" to the locals. Mel and Mike happen to drive past. "They're all lost," Mike says dismissively. As opposed to him and his dad, who are decisively and confidently traveling to the wrong place. Mark and Michael seem to be the first to get directed to Phuket Zoo, with the rest of the teams not far behind. The Whites are still in view as they get into their cabs, but they continue on the opposite direction from everyone else. "Everybody seemed like they were in, like, a herd," Mike says. "And that herd is going a totally different way than we are. But either we're going to get behind or we're going to get ahead." Oh, Mike, there's a lot more to lose than there is to gain in these situations. Since they're still going to Patong Beach, I think we can bet on the former.
Now we're at Phuket Zoo, where elephants pedal stationary bikes, chimpanzees gaze around serenely, and a chained tiger lets out a growl. The Stuntmen arrive first, but with Team Go Team and Kisha|Jen close behind them, it's a race around the simulated jungle walkways to find the gorilla statue. Jaime and Cara get there first and retrieve the clue.
Phil is back, saying, "Teams must now get ready to take a walk on the wild side. Or rather, let the wild side take a walk on them." The first thing they'll have to do is have their picture taken sitting to "Esso the Tiger," the same cat we saw earlier with a chain around his neck. A zoo in Thailand seriously has a tiger named after the mascot of an old American gas station chain? What, was "Tony" not available? After paying this tribute to Western commercial colonialism, the Racers will then participate in a "typical Thai performance," which involves lying on the ground and letting a pair of elephants "step and squat over them." Then it's back to the tiger, where the trainer -- who has one arm, it's worth noting -- will give them their clue, on the back of their photo, which is apparently to be developed while they're submitting to the attentions of the pachyderms over in the other area of the zoo. Team Go Team and the Stuntmen go haring off, the latter team calling out randomly, "Tiger! Tiger! Tiger? Tiger, tiger!" Do they think it's going to come out and meet them if they do that? Kisha and Jen get their clue in third place, and another mad footrace ensues. Again, it looks like they've closed down a facility to host an Amazing Race task, which is good, because otherwise small children would be getting plowed over.
Mike and Mel are beginning to have second thoughts about whether they're going to the right place, and Mike wonders aloud to the driver if they should ask someone. Unfortunately, the driver is too occupied with driving them in the wrong direction to consider Mike's idea. As a motorcycle passes, Mel points it out and says he thinks it's Margie and Luke. It's not. I hope he's kidding, because that wouldn't even make sense.
Back at the zoo, Mark and Michael find the tiger first, apparently as a combined result of running the fastest and saying "Tiger" the most times. They pose for their photo behind the tiger, each resting a hand on its striped pelt. "I noticed that the handler only had one arm," Michael says, and laughs that he wants to keep both of his. Hey, you don't know, maybe the trainer lost the arm to gangrene after wrapping a string around it or something. We shouldn't make assumptions. The sisters and the cheerleaders come running. "You guys, quiet, I don't want to get eaten," Mark tells them. Thank you, Principal Snyder. They get their photo taken. Afterwards, Kisha interviews, "I figured if they didn't eat Mark and Mickey, they wouldn't eat us. But they are bite-sized." Both sisters laugh guiltily but uproariously at this. "They are about the size of the trainer's missing arm," Kisha adds. The Stuntmen run off, chanting, "Elephant show? Elephant show! Elephant show!" The cheerleaders take their place with the tiger, and Jaime looks happier than she has all Race. "If I could just spend my life in the wild with animals and never see people again, I'd be completely okay with that." So would most people she's come in contact with, I'd guess. But of course, there goes her compassion for animals. They get their photo snapped, followed by Kisha and Jen.
Margie|Luke and Tammy|Victor have arrived at the zoo and find the gorilla statue almost simultaneously. They're still reading their clue when Mark and Michael sprint past them, yelling and hooting like morons. As both those teams get their photos done quickly, I'm starting to think the reason everything is closed is because you can't actually take Mark and Michael anywhere.
The Whites have at least arrived somewhere, but Patong Beach turns out to be a whole neighborhood instead of just one beach. The driver takes a look at the gorilla photo again, but doesn't really have anything to add. "Big gorilla...big, famous gorilla," Mike tries. No response. Mike makes an unhappy face. Which, being on Mike, is 25% more unhappy than your average unhappy face.
While Mark and Michael lie down to be mock-squished by elephants, the two female teams wait their turn outside the paddock fence and whisper over their excitement at having gotten to touch a tiger. The way the "elephant show" works is that the two Racers lie on their stomachs, with a zoo employee on the ground in front of them, I guess to serve as the elephant's "practice pulp" or something. An elephant trainer leads the animals over the three humans, prompting them to pat the people on the ass. And at the end, the second elephant turns and squats low over Michael as though he's about to take a crap on him. Which does not happen, because at the end we can still see Michael. As soon as they're done, they hop up, bow their thanks to the trainers, and run back to the tiger area, where their developed photo is waiting, with the clue printed on the back. Team Go Team and the sisters are doing the elephants right behind them, while the Stuntmen read their clue.
Phil narrates that they now need to get to Nguan Choon Tong Herbs Shop, which both he and the sign say is the oldest herb shop in town. But what if you want new herbs? When they get there, they'll need to ask the shopkeeper behind the counter to open one of his 99 drawers, one at a time until they find one with a clue inside. "Ohh!" the shopkeeper says as he demonstrates what a drawer with a clue inside it looks like. The Stuntmen are off. "All the other teams are here," Michael says once they're back in the cab. "Except for Mike and Mel, I didn't see Mike and Mel," he suddenly remembers.
While riding through town elsewhere -- worryingly elsewhere -- Mike and Mel decide to get out and ask people for directions The second person they talk to says, "Phuket Zoo!" And they both say, "No, no, no." Oh, dear.
Team Family Law and Margie|Luke do the elephants, and the cheerleaders soon have their tiger photo/clue and are on their way to the herb shop. Kisha and Jen are right behind them in third pace. "I took a picture with a tiger and I didn't pee on myself," Kisha says in the cab. "I'm so pleased." The tiger probably would have seen it as a hostile act as well. Mel and Mike and their unhelpful cabdriver are still getting nowhere. Team Family Law runs out of the zoo with their photo/clue, calling out, "Mr. Bandit!" Margie|Luke are still right behind them, and the Whites are still clueless regarding the gorilla. "He's probably at the top of the Empire State Building holding some girl in his arm," Mel says. "We could end up never finding this thing." "We're lost," Mike says, and then amends it to, "We lost." Hey, we're not even to the first commercial break yet. Oh, wait, we are.
Finally, after the ads, a random guy in an orange t-shirt tells them, "Phuket Zoo, Phuket Zoo! Sure, one hundred percent!" As they get back in the car with their moron cabdriver, Mel understates, "It appears that lady luck did not shine brightly on Mel and Mike today." "If it's not at the zoo, then we gotta go somewhere else," Mike obviouses. But how is the pressure affecting Mel? "Let's stop for a Thai massage," he suggests. That means the tension is either getting to him a lot or not at all.
Team Go Team's cab passes that of Mark and Michael, whom they have dubbed the "Tweedles." "Kind of like Tweedledee and Tweedledum from Alice in Wonderland," they explain unnecessarily. They also remark on Mark's nonstop mouth, of which we get a rather lengthy demonstration. This core sample of Mark's chatter includes one of his favorite subjects, which is what an awesome runner he is. He boasts about how he could outrun any of the other teams in a 10K footrace. Too bad this isn't a 10K footrace, then. Unfortunately, he doesn't bother explaining that he and his brother keep placing in the bottom three because the Race also calls for activities like thinkin'.
The cheerleaders dash into the herb shop first, and have the shopkeeper open one of the drawers for them. He takes his time about it, which is going to make him Jaime's newest sworn enemy before long. Since the Stuntmen arrived right after them, they get to take a turn having him open one. Both come up empty. Jaime starts screaming at the poor shopkeeper for his twin crimes of not being fast enough and not speaking "a lick of English." He's like her version of a supervillain.
The Whites have gotten to the zoo surprisingly quickly, where they find their clue, sit for their photo with the tiger (who yawns for the camera with them), and go jogging in search of the elephants. "I think we're last," Mike says. Alas, I think so too.
Kisha and Jen have joined the group in the herb shop, and Jaime warns them about how slow the dude is. Jaime, everyone has to wait on him, not just you. As long as nobody gets out of there before you, you aren't falling behind. Right then, of course, the Stuntmen get their clue on their very try. "Are you fricking kidding me?" Jaime bitches as they leave the store to read their clue. At least that's one less drawer they have to try.
The Stuntmen's clue tells them this is a Detour, which Phil describes as "Two forms of physical labor that are well known to the residents of Phuket." The options are "100 Barrels" and "2 Miles." 100 Barrels sends teams to the docks, where Phil says they will "work to prepare a fishing ship for ten days at sea." That sounds labor-intensive. Fortunately, all it means is that 47 plastic barrels have to be filled with drinking water, and 53 empty ones to hold the voyage's catch need to be loaded up and arranged on the boat's roof. That sounds way easier than being stuck on a boat for a week and a half with 53 barrels of dead fish exposed to the tropical sun. "2 Miles" requires teams to go to a temple and pick out one of the rickshaws waiting there. Of the several varieties of rickshaw in existence, these are the kind pulled by a person on foot. There are also foot-operated tire pumps arranged nearby in case someone gets a flat. Then one team member pulls the other on foot in the rickshaw to King Rama IX Park, but apparently they can switch places at will, as we'll see. The Stuntmen opt for 2 Miles, obviously. As they interview afterwards, "We're four-nine and a hundred pounds soaking wet. Pulling each other for two miles, that was a no-brainer." Sounds about their speed.
The Whites get walked and sat on by pachyderms, just to add to the indignities they've suffered today. Team Go Team and Kisha|Jen are still in the herb shop, with Jaime still yelling at the poor dude. Mel and Mike get their photo. "We look cool," Mike says. So far that's the best thing that's happened to them all day. In their cab to the herb shop, Mel says, "That elephant stepped on my butt." Good. Less to haul now.
Team Family Law arrives at the herb shop and joins the rotation, along with Luke and Margie. Everyone's still coming up empty, but Tammy and Victor are at least using a notebook to keep track of which drawers everyone else is having the proprietor open. Kisha and Jen are the to get a drawer with a clue in it, and they're out of there in second place. They're doing 100 Barrels. Back in the shop, after a few more turns, Margie lets Luke override her choice, and there's a clue inside the one he picks. Good call, both of you. Off they go in third, while Jaime gets more and more frustrated, to the amazement of anyone who thought such a thing couldn't even be possible. I'm wondering if the Race has plans to find new and different ways to push her until she actually murders someone. Tammy and Victor finish , and go off to do 2 Miles in fourth place while Jaime renews her yelling. Funny thing, raising her voice doesn't seem to make the shopkeeper move any faster.
In the Whites' cab, Mike is, apropos of nothing, saying, "I actually like everybody on the Race, except Jaime. She's kind of a Mean Girl." Mel laughs heartily. Jaime continues bitching about the shopkeeper, both in the shop and in her post-leg interview, and finally they get a clue and are out of there, with only Mel and Mike still behind them. They want to do the 100 Barrels. "The water? Is it very far, Sack?" Jaime asks. Sak says, "Uh...uh..." So Jaime nearly has an aneurysm. Awesome.
Mark and Michael get to the rickshaws first. They spot the foot pumps lying out on the sidewalk to a wooden box, and take this as a sign that they should pump up their tires before they even get going. They are already pretty flat to begin with. Then, when they're done with that, Mark gets to work piling the pumps and the hoses and all the other little fiddly bits that go with them back into the box, tangling them up as much as he can. "Slow people up, you know how that is," he says to Michael. Uh, yeah, Mark, I know how that is. That's a dick move, is how that is. "I was just trying to make it a little more taxing for them to do what we had already done," Mark self-servingly explains in a post-leg interview. Whatever, cheater. His evil work done, he dons one of the traditional conical hats provided for the task and takes the handlebars of the rickshaw, pulling Michael out of the lot and chattering away in a Charlie Chan voice, complete with Asian-sounding nonsense. Charming. Chronic diarrhea of the mouth is bad enough, but when you have to get offensive just to fill the time, that's not an indicator of anything good.
Mel and Mike reach the herb shop, where not only are they in last place, there are five fewer drawers with clues in them than there were to start with. But they gamely get to it, and as every drawer comes out empty, they and the shopkeeper sing out in unison, "Nooo!" At least they're having fun sucking wind.
Kisha|Jen's and Margie|Luke's cabs deposit them at the harbor for the 100 Barrels task, which is called Pae Yod. But there's a small problem: no boats in sight. That's an unexpected wrinkle. When the cheerleaders arrive and take in the situation, they learn from Sak that he knows exactly where the rickshaw starting point is, and they offer to lead Margie and Luke's driver there instead of hanging around searching for boats. Kisha and Jen get back in their cab as well, but to explore the harbor area in search of actual fishing vessels. Hard to do the task without one, don't you know.
In the cab to the rickshaws, Victor reads from the clue that they are not allowed to hire anyone to guide them along the rickshaw route. Which is funny, because as Mark and Michael pass their waiting cab, which they had totally forgotten about until they got back on the street and saw it waiting for them, they instruct him to lead them to the clue. As Mark explains afterwards, "We were gonna have to pay that cab, whether he stayed in front of us, behind us, or led us there. We had the cab lead us to the end of the Detour." I really think they just missed that part of the clue; not that they were intentionally trying to cheat. This time. They get going again, this time with Michael at the handlebars.
Victor and Tammy arrive at the temple, and ask their cabbie to trace them a map. He offers to lead them there, but they decline, saying it's against the rules. Mr. Bandit draws their route on the map, and Tammy climbs up into the seat. Victor heads out, pulling the rickshaw with visibly squishy tires. Would they have rolled out like that if the pumps had been laid out the way Mark and Michael found them? We'll never know.
Mel and Mike, and the herb store guy: "Nooo! Nooo!" but after a couple more, they get a drawer with a clue. Back in motion but still in last place, they take off to do 100 Barrels.
Mark and Michael switch places. Tammy and Victor, however, do not. Before you know it, Mark pulls Michael into the park, where they spot a familiar Amazing Arrow sign that indicates a marked path. As they go deeper into the park, Mark talks about how he'd be willing to pay the cabbie anything for the guided tour he gave them. Of course he doesn't say that they would have gotten lost without them, which they might or might not have done, because that would have indicated that he is anything other than awesome. Victor has had to slow to a walk. "I don't like saying this," he pants, "but my sister is a little heavy." Also, your tires are flat, Mario Andretti.
Cara and Jaime de-cab at the temple, and they send Sak to wait for them at the park before Jaime starts pulling the rickshaw. "Come HERE!" she bellows at some bystander she wants to get directions from. He either doesn't know or doesn't understand what she's asking or doesn't feel like helping after being summoned like a poorly trained dog, so the cheerleaders head off in one direction and hope for the best. Perhaps further along their way they'll encounter some locals who love to help assholes.
Margie and Luke are also on their way shortly thereafter, with Luke pulling and Margie riding. That seems like a reasonable division of labor. At first.
Mark and Michael reach the clue box, which is directing them to the Pit Stop, Wat Thep Nimit Temple. "This temple, best known for housing a piece of the Buddha's remains, is the Pit Stop for this leg of the Race," Phil tells us from the wide-open grounds. "The last team to check in here may be eliminated." Mark and Michael head back to their cab, Mark keeping up a steam of nonsense the whole way. "Scooty-booty," he says to their driver, which brings even Michael up short for a moment. But then Michael high-fives Mark for a job well done. It's probably easier for him to just pretend that Mark is a normal person than try to deal with the weirdo he actually is.
Kisha and Jen's driver has found their way around to another area of Pae Yod, one with actual fish and marked boats. They board one, and Jen climbs to the roof while Kisha gets right to work handing the empty barrels up to her. Mel and Mike are still en route, and Mike isn't reassured by their driver hollering into his cell phone. "Sir, we're in a rush," he says helplessly. "Because of you being stupid," he fails to add.
The Stuntmen are feeling good about themselves in the cab to the temple. "I don't see anybody else doing this leg," Mark says. "Everybody's going to think that it's really hot and really hard and I think we tore it up." Plus you were the only ones with inflated tires. The temple comes into view, and as the taxi drives them onto the grounds and drops them off so they can run in to the mat, Mark says, "It worked. Whatever we did, it worked." That remains to be seen. They reach an open-air space where Phil is standing to a gorgeous young Thai woman in a gold-laden local costume, who tells them, "Welcome to Phuket, Thailand." As if he hasn't been obnoxious enough this leg, Mark leers at her. Phil says their names, pops an eyebrow at them, and lets the moment stretch out while Michael holds up one hopeful finger, signaling that they're waiting to be told they're team number one. But that's not quite what Phil tells them. "You're the first team to arrive," he says instead. Completely missing his phrasing, the brothers have a long, loud celebration for themselves there on the mat, hugging and hooting and, in Mark's case, babbling. Phil lets them go on like that until they've burned themselves out, at which point he says, "However." "Uh-oh," Michael says. Phil tells them they've incurred not one but two thirty-minute penalties. "First, for intentionally tampering with the pumps and putting them away." At this, Michael kind of taps Mark on the chest with the back of his hand. Yes, it was Mark's idea, but I didn't see Michael trying to talk him out of it. Phil continues, "And secondly for breaking the rules and hiring help by having the taxi driver lead you guys along the route." Phil sends them over to sit at the base of a nearby tree to wait out their penalty, and the sixty-minute clock appears on the screen. Looks good on them.
After the ad break, the clock is only down to 49:48, but they're still waiting. Mark explains in an interview why they got their penalties, leaving out the part where they got one for being dicks and one for just being morons.
Victor's still pulling Tammy along at a walk, which would probably be easier for him if he had air in his tires. She offers to spell him for awhile, but he declines, because that would put him in charge of navigation and the thing you know they'd be in Indonesia. Or, as he puts it, "I didn't want to take control in a chaotic situation. My natural tendency is to take everything away from her and want to do it." So he's like an alcoholic, but with control. He apologizes for not being able to run, but she says it's fine. Cara is now pulling Jaime, getting directions from locals they pass. Good method; as long as they don't slow down too much, Jaime won't have time to piss people off. As Luke pulls Margie, she tries to get him to stop for directions as well, but since he's got his back to her and can't hear her, it takes a minute. Well, at least her arms are getting a rest from signing.
Back at the harbor, Kisha and Jen are just lifting their 48th empty barrel up to the boat's roof when Kisha notices the water hose that's been pumping water out onto the dock this whole time. Dude, I hope that's not coming from a tank or something. But then, on the other hand, I hope the fishermen aren't expected to drink water that's been pumped directly out of the harbor. Really, there are no good options here. Kisha realizes belatedly that she could have been filling water barrels while the arranging of the empties was going on. And Mel and Mike are closing in, as they notice first the smell of fish, then a parked cab, then Kisha and Jen themselves aboard their boat. As the sisters see them arrive, Jen says, "That makes me secretly happy." Not a secret any more, my friend. The teams greet each other, and Mike says he's sure nobody's behind them. Unfortunately, he is correct. Mel takes the top perch on their boat and tells Mike to start handing up empty barrels while filling up the ones that need to be filled. They get to work doing both at the same time, while Jen, finished with the empties, has to stand idly by and watch a regretful Kisha fill their barrels with water. Not good time management, right there.
Mark and Michael are down to 32 minutes left on their penalty clock. Thirty feet away, Phil scans the horizon for arriving teams, and totally ignoring their existence (lucky bastard). Still en route to King Rama IX Park, Passengers Tammy and Cara are encouraging their respective partners along, until Jaime gets a stitch and swaps with Cara, who of the two of them seems to be the one in slightly less good shape. By now, Tammy and Victor are in view of the park, and the waiting Mr. Bandit's cab. The cheerleaders switch back, Cara fanning Jamie with the conical hat. Victor and Tammy are a little too eager to ditch their rickshaw, and they run unencumbered into the park along the path. Team Go Team isn't far behind, but Jaime still gets an opportunity to yell at a local. In this case, it's for blocking their path with his truck. She'd be doing so much better at this Race if the countries she has to go to didn't keep getting in her way.
Margie, riding behind Luke, is feeling a little unbalanced. "You're going to dump me out of this thing," she says, perched on the edge of her seat. "Push it down lower, I'm going to fall out!" He just keeps going, almost as though he doesn't hear her. Finally she has to lean forward and bang on the frame to get his attention and tell him to stop. She takes over the pulling.
At the harbor, Mel and Mike are catching up, especially when Mike starts carrying two barrels at a time instead of one. Are they going to pull out another one?
Tammy and Victor are running along the path together, and she's questioning whether they should still have the rickshaws. Victor doesn't think so, so of course they soon come up to a sign with a diagram of a rickshaw and an arrow pointing down, he screeches, "Aw, it says drop the rickshaws here!" They realize they have to go back for it. Which they do. "Mr. Bandit, you get in your car and follow us!" Tammy calls out, once she's back in her seat and being towed past him. Mr. Bandit looks up from his cell phone in confusion. Tammy suggests alternating between walking and running in thirty-second intervals. They meet the cheerleaders coming back. At last, they get their clue, and Mr. Bandit picks them up. The cheerleaders also get back in their cab with Sak to get to the Pit Stop. Now it's just a race between Sak and Mr. Bandit.
Mark and Michael are down to12:03 on their penalty clock, which is probably not enough to get them eliminated. Dammit.
Kisha and Jen are still trying to fill their last six barrels, as Mel and Mike arrange their 25th empty one. Margie is jogging through the park with Luke in back saying, "Mom, go." But she runs out of steam and they have to switch back. They reach the clue box in fourth, and Margie reads, "The last team to check in may be eliminated." As they get back in their cab, Margie says she feels like she might pass out. "I think Thailand is probably the hottest place I've ever been. Running in this heat, I got the chills." Now that's not a good sign.
Mark and Michael are waiting out the last five minutes of their penalty. After a minute of cutting back and forth between Team Go Team and Team Family Law, it's down to 4:02. And then an exhausted Tammy and Victor make it to the mat. Phil tells them, "Tammy and Victor, you are the second team to arrive. However, Mark and Michael have incurred two thirty-minute penalties. Which means you guys are actually the first team to arrive." So suck it, Stuntmen. That's the third leg they've won, which comes with a trip for two to Oahu. No sooner does Phil finish describing the trip than Team Go Team shows up. "We're screwed," Mark says, looking at the two teams standing on the mat when they have one minute left. Phil tells Jaime and Cara they're team number two, and the cheerleaders hug happily. I wonder whether Mark and Michael might have been able to come in second if Phil hadn't taken so long telling them about their penalty. Which makes me wish he'd taken longer. Three hours probably would have done it. "That's such a drag," Mark mutters to Michael. "Work that hard, and thppth." Maybe you shouldn't have been such a dick, then. All your boasting about being able to outrun everyone sounds kind of hollow when you're the only ones who had any tire pressure.
Margie is sharing more of her symptoms with us in the cab to the Pit Stop. "My fingers are numb, my mouth is numb," she says. Which must make it hard for her to talk to anyone, really. They're pulling into the temple's parking lot just as Mark and Michael's last few seconds tick away and Phil calls them over to be checked in as the third-place, which is still the best they've ever done. Afterward, Mark interviews, "We did have a nice lead and a trip that was in our pockets and we lost, but I still feel like a winner." Because he cheated? No, he means, "We're in third, we're still in the game, and we have a shot at a million dollars." Which makes me feel like a loser.
Margie and Luke jog up to the mat and Margie doesn't even care about their ranking right now; she just says, "All right, we need water." Margie shakes Luke's hands off her shoulders -- too hot even for human contact right now. Phil makes them wait for a while, even after Margie says, "My fingers are frozen." Finally he speaks/signs that they're team number...four. Luke loses his shit, and he and Margie hug. "The Bionic Woman has done it again," Phil grins. Luke signs, "This leg was very hard," even as Margie asks again for water, more weakly this time. She's wavering on her feet, and here's what it sounds like when Phil stops being a game show host. He says, "Okay," and calls over to someone to bring water. Luke catches her as she crumples, and Phil and some local production guys help lower her to the ground. "Mom, mom," Luke moans worriedly. No one can even tell him what's going on, unless Phil wants to look up and tell him what number they are again.
When we come back, Phil has taken over as Margie's paramedic. She's coming around, leaning against a plastic chair that someone's brought over. Phil encourages her to breathe, and then he and a production guy help her over to the shade of a nearby structure. Someone fans her with something while Phil holds her hand and slowly dribbles bottled water over her head. It's very sweet seeing him be so solicitous, but maybe he shouldn't have left her to cook there on the mat for so long when they arrived. Not that it probably would have made much difference. And of course there's also no way of knowing if having air in her tires would have made a difference. Or wearing the hat while running, or maybe drinking some water along the way, or any number of other potential variables. Someone says an ambulance is on its way, but Margie insists she's fine. "How embarrassing," she quavers. Clearly she's not feeling so bionic any more. Which is actually good, because if she were, the water that Phil's been pouring on her would probably short something out.
Back at the boats, Kisha and Jen are filling their last barrel. Mel and Mike only have ten to lift up. Kisha and Jen finish up and get their clue from the man in the pilot house, and they're off in fifth place. "I'm not going to speak on anything until we make it to the Pit Stop," Kisha says wisely. She sneezes loudly (and ridiculously; every sneeze sounds like someone saying, "zzdZZdzzz!"), and Jen blesses her twice and says, "Shut up." The Whites keep working. Jen and Kisha's cab drops them off at a temple, but oops! It's the wrong one. The gates are locked. They find a group of saffron-robed Trappist monks hanging out in some shade, who point them in the other direction. "Awesome, love it," Jen sings as they return to the street, only to find their cabbie long gone. Meanwhile, Mel and Mike finish up and head out, begging their driver to go fast. "If you don't [know,] let's ask someone," Mike pleads. A little late for that. Jen and Kisha, meanwhile, have wandered up to a hotel, and they manage to hitch a ride on an airport shuttle or something. "Wat Tehm Nomit is very far," says one of their several fellow passengers. Mike continues to urge their driver on. Mel says, "It's only a game, but boy, does it get intense in this game sometimes." The stress is telling on both last place teams, but when the fifth place team finally gets to the mat, it's Kisha and Jen. "It's good news, you are team number five," Phil tells them. They're happy just to still be in it.
Finally, the Whites reach the mat. "I'm sorry to tell you, you have been eliminated from the Race," Phil says. "We're sorry too," Mel says. Phil repeats sincerely that he's very sorry to see them go, and as they each high-five Phil, Mel says, "It's been a great run, man." Indeed. Phil asks Mel what's special about Mike. Mel puts an arm around Mike, who grins, "Keep it together, Dad." Mel answers, "Just about everything I can think of. He's smart, he's wise, he's mature. This is my kid. And I've left something in the world that will make the world a better place." Aw. Also, keep it together, Mike. Dammit, I was just starting to let myself think these two might make it to the last leg.
In their post-leg interview, Mel says, "I had aches and pains and groans and groins, but I was pretty good. And I loved it when my son thought so, too." "Aw, dad," Mike says. "Aw, son," Mel responds. Mike adds, "We've been father and son my whole life (obviously), but I don't think we've ever really been teammates. And being a teammate brings a whole different kind of camaraderie than you get in normal life, so that was a great gift that the Race gave us." And in exchange, they gave us the gift of proving that you can run the Amazing Race without always yelling at people, asking God to get involved, fighting with each other, or losing your sense of humor. Not win it, but get more than halfway, at least.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter (mgiant), or just e-mail him at M.Giant[at]gmail.com
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