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So, as you know, every finale has to start out with a bunch of activities in Alaska, Hawaii, or Canada that wind up meaning nothing, and this time, we're in Hawaii. A watery Detour sends the BQs reeling into their very first fight ever, which winds up not making them look all that bad, since it sounds like a training video about productive conflict ("I am having my feelings hurt by you right now!" "I acknowledge your feelings, but am also frustrated myself!") To the surprise of absolutely no one, all three teams wind up on the same flight to the final city of San Francisco, where everything leads up to a final task in which you have to guess what your partner said when asked to gossip about other teams. No, really. That's the final task. And because Eric and Pink are nothing if not full of simplistic opinions, she has no trouble at all guessing what he would have said. And with that, Pink -- yes, the lady herself -- manages to pull down the victory for herself and Eric. The BQs nab second, leaving Charla and Mirna in third. The unbroken streak of weirdly unsatisfying All-Star winners of various shows continues, and we are all reminded that if a team would make an incredibly gross victor, you really shouldn't put them on the show in the first place. Fortunately, we can all feel confident that Eric and Pink used the race to solidify and strengthen their entirely nonexistent romantic relationship. Aren't you glad that with all the teams that could have been chosen for an All-Star season, we wound up here? Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Previously on I Say "All," You Say "Stars" -- "All"..."All"...Anyone?: John Vito and Jill went out early after having taking a sentimental journey back to incredibly bad luck with navigating. Drew and Kevin went home sick with the flu, with prescriptions for (respectively) chicken soup and bald triplets who will emerge from the womb, look at each other, and simultaneously say, "What is with THIS idiot?" Mary and Dave went home tired but happy. They honestly were happy just being nominated. Rob and Amber went home to begin production on their reality show: Rob And Amber Can't Believe It Either. Ian and Teri went home rehabilitated and smoochyfaced, Bill and Joe went home to unpack the evil that they kept squashed in their backpacks the entire time, and Uchenna and Joyce just wanted to make it home before the show finished airing. Danny and Oswald ran out of steam and money, and became entangled in some kind of debate with karma in which the universe finally said "enough already" and sent them home to spread joy in the form of beautiful smiles and, in Oswald's case, appreciative handling of other people's naughty bits. So the final three were the BQs, who raced well throughout and took all kinds of crap over playing the game as if they expected to win or something; Charla and Mirna, who raced poorly throughout with the exception of an uncanny ability to find (for instance) a direct flight that would pick them up on the back of a flatbed truck outside a small town in Brazil and take them directly to a particular ice floe in Alaska; and Eric and Pink, who didn't like each other at all and raced mostly unremarkably, but who kept on avoiding elimination by working quickly so that they wouldn't have to spend any more time together than necessary. Now, three teams are left. One of them rocks hard. Two of them rock not at all. What are the odds of a happy ending? If you know the answer to this question, you are ready to graduate from fifth-grade math.
Credits. Man, this is depressing. There weren't that many teams that didn't halfway suck to begin with, and we still had about a 75 percent chance of a better ending than this. We're all cursed. [BOMP.]
Commercials. Fie ye, Two And A Half Men. I can't figure out why, but I feel like Charlie Sheen is turning into Billy Joel. Like, not on looks, but in spirit.
Hey, look! Guam! Soldiers! Marching in place and getting nowhere! It's a theatrical salute to American foreign policy! Phil reminds us that Guam is an "American military stronghold in the South Pacific." I see Joe Cable! And on the coast, we find Fort Soledad. But don't mistake it for a fort in the fort sense, considering that its sign reads "Courtesy Of Guam Visitors Bureau," and not, for instance, "Stay Back Unless You Want A Righteous Ass-Kicking, Philippines." Hot Phil says that this was the twelfth pit stop. On a race. Around the world. Involving many teams better than the ones featured here, but omitting many teams even better than the ones that were involved. If you see what I mean, which you probably don't, so let me say it this way: bad casting makes bad seasons. Period.
11:53 AM. Dustin and Kandice. In their matching black tank tops that make them look like the world's prettiest ninjas, they read the clue that sends them to Honolulu, Hawaii. Nice town! I recommend the enormous bowls of raw fish, which in many places, I do not. This trip will be about 3800 miles. When they get to the Honolulu airport (which, I will tell you, smells like fresh flowers inside, which is completely disorienting), they'll find their way to the Kamaka Air Hangar and sign up for a helicopter flight to the island of Lanai. Shaped like a comma; used to be a big pineapple plantation. Give it up for Lanai! They get $201 for the leg. And that last dollar is the one that's going to bring it home! Seriously, I would love to know how they calculate how much money you get. ("Two hundred even! No, wait -- we forgot, they'll need a pack of Juicy Fruit and a tampon.") They run to their car and hop in. Dustin interviews that getting into the top three has just filled them with confidence. She thinks they will be showing us new "fearlessness." She is more fearless than I am, because going into this leg, I have many fears. Mostly that they will not win. Which means someone else will win, unless fans rise up en masse and form a blockade across the finish line, preventing either of the other teams from finishing first. I'll bring the thermos of coffee; you guys go there and link arms, okay? It'll be like Hands Across America, but it'll be Hands Across Phil. Hey, that sounds kind of good. I'll be in the middle.
12:55 PM. Eric and Pink. Eric is in his "COLEGE" shirt...again. Somebody needs to tell him that when the shirt has a funny joke on it (which that only arguably is at this point), you can't wear it every day. All ironic shirts, no matter how much you like them, cease to be funny when worn in public fifteen times in a month. Pink explains as they leave the mat that there's all this pressure, because they "definitely want to win." Incidentally? They are not dating. They were not dating when the race started. Whether or not they were ever "dating" seems to depend on your definition of "dating," if you take my meaning. This is the info that was passed at the party, so...I'm just saying. Badly done, show. Because...number of people you fooled? Not very many. It's not like I need to see people who are dating or anything, but part of the charm of the show is supposed to be that the people have a relationship with each other. And "appeared on the same season of a reality show" does not qualify as a relationship for that purpose. I mean, I think the reason why this team bores me so much, in addition to the fact that they're both intrinsically uninteresting, is that they barely know each other, and you can tell. I mean...they know each other, perhaps Biblically, but not actually. The audience isn't made up of idiots; we don't ascertain every subtlety, but we know the difference between "dating" and "not even friends, really." Anyway. Eric tells us how bitter he is about the fact that he and Jeremy lost to the Fake Hippies last time. In fact, he says it's the most bitter thing he's ever dealt with, which makes him a pretty lucky guy: "The worst thing that ever happened to me was not getting an ass-pile of free money" is something many of us would love to be able to say. He says he wants a shot at redemption. He doesn't want to end up a cartoon in a cartoon graveyard -- oh, wait. HE ALREADY IS ONE. And the cartoon, interestingly, is Beavis and Butt-Head. They drive off for the airport. I swear, listening to Pink sit there and not do anything really makes me want to apologize to Flo. More horrible, but at least more relevant to her team. Relevant both positive and negative, but at least she wasn't luggage. An albatross at times, but not luggage. Actually, maybe I won't apologize.
Guam International Airport. The BQs go to the Continental counter and look for the fastest flight, and the lady tells them that Northwest has a flight at 3:50 PM. ["Miss Alli, the giant homer, at TARcon: 'Northwest! WOOO!'" -- Joe R] This flight stops in Tokyo, and it would get them into Honolulu at 7:40 AM. And then Kandice, with a little bit of an "I know this sounds stupid" grin, asks whether "for privacy reasons," the ticket agents might refrain from mentioning that they saw "two blondes." "What color is blonde?" the one lady asks, and for a minute, everyone freezes. (What's awesome is that if you think about it, Mirna lives her whole life entirely in this moment.) And then the lady cracks up laughing, and the BQs crack up laughing, and Dustin is like, "Perfect!" Heh. They head to the Northwest area. If my experiences with Northwest are any indication, it's lucky for them that they're not checking any bags. And I hope they don't want anything to eat except a box of vending-machine food. I'm just saying -- a "meal" is not a pack of crackers, an oily "summer sausage," a package of dried-up raisins, and incomprehensible "snack mix" that seems to have Styrofoam packing material in it, Northwest. Although they do edge out my recent experience with American, which managed to delay my flight three hours, an hour and a half of which was due to a broken door on the potty. GOD.
1:29 PM. Charla and Mirna. Mirna explains that all their energy and enthusiasm was "all for a reason." Presumably, a reason other than driving people bazoo, but I take her point. Mirna looks extra-hot-rollered today; I guess she's mustering all her weapons. I will say, I've rarely seen a woman keep her appearance from deteriorating over the course of the race as effectively as Mirna has. Sometimes, she even appears to me like she's wearing false eyelashes, even though I know she isn't. Props to you, lady, for looking just as poofed today as you did on Day One. Charla, meanwhile, has decided to run the last leg in her skirted swimsuit. And pants. That's going to get you fugged something fierce, sweetheart.
Eric and Pink get to the airport and ask about flights to Honolulu. They're told that there are really only two options. There's Northwest, leaving at 3:50 PM, which is the flight the BQs are on -- but it's sold out. There's another Northwest flight, then, that leaves at 4:20 PM. Both the flights will connect in Tokyo to the same flight on to Honolulu with the 7:40 AM arrival. Charla and Mirna get to the airport and get the same information. Mirna wants to know how many people have already bought tickets, and the guy tells her that everybody did. Because this guy looks, talks, and frankly dresses like he just came from a barbecue in Akron, they don't speak to him in silly accents, which is a relief to my ears.
The BQs leave on the first flight to Tokyo. Eric and Pink and Charla and Mirna take the second.
At 6:18 PM, the BQs land in Tokyo. The second flight lands only ten minutes later, at 6:28 PM. So everybody gets to the gate in Tokyo in plenty of time for the flight to Honolulu. When they check the departures, Charla and Mirna note a United flight headed for Honolulu. Mirna bitches about how nobody told them about this flight, but it's perfectly possible that since her flight appears to have landed early, the layover may not have been adequate for the system to show this transfer as an option. Mirna and Charla run through the airport with Charla riding on the luggage cart as the wacky bumbling-spy music starts to play. While I appreciate the footage of them running, I'd really rather see some shots of the people they're running past, who are going to be like, "Honey, I know you're going to think I'm crazy, but I think I just saw a blonde pushing a little person on a luggage cart, followed by a camera crew. And no, I did not have too many at the bar." Charla and Mirna get to United, where they learn that the United flight lands at 7:00 AM, so that's forty minutes better than the flight they currently have. It's also leaving in fifteen minutes. So if they landed about twenty minutes early, which seems possible, and if it took them, say, ten minutes to get to United, then the United flight is leaving only five minutes after they were scheduled to land. Nobody's going to book that, which is why it wasn't offered to them, presumably. I don't think the computer will even show anything that requires a five-minute connection. I'd also like to point out that apparently, someone thinks we're not going to notice that we keep going back and forth between Mirna with her hair down and Mirna with her hair up during this "scene" in which she finds out when the flight is leaving. It's all just counter shots, so I can't imagine why they mixed it up like this. Mirna keeps offering "any price you want" for the flight, and now people are boarding the flight she's supposed to be on, so she'd better be careful she doesn't miss the bird in the hand, here. I mean, you can't not admire the effort, but there's risk involved. This seems to be what Charla is saying, kind of, although she also is talking about being seen, and I'm losing track of her point. It's something about "last minute," which is great, because it motivates Mirna to wave her arms wildly and be like, "This is as last-minute as life can get!" I haven't seen arm-flapping like that since James Van Der Beek. On the plane, Dustin says that Charla and Mirna have totally been known to find secret tricky flights, so she's not making any assumptions about why they haven't seen Charla and Mirna at the flight yet.
Finally, the United guy tells Mirna that they have their tickets, just as the other teams on the other flight discuss the fact that it seems like everyone would have to be on this flight. But the door closes, and Charla and Mirna aren't there, so now, the other teams are all confused. In fact, they walk the length of the plane again just to be sure. What's interesting is that they're smart enough not to be like, "Wooo! They missed it!" Because they know that whatever else there is to say about Mirna, she's got the flight-fu.
Commercials. I don't understand how there is still Taco Bell when the food looks so gross. And seriously, Pirate Master? Dude. No. It looks worse than Taco Bell.
When we return, Eric recaps for us that they really don't have any idea where Charla and Mirna are, nor whether they're ahead or behind. And then we are in Honolulu, with the expected music playing in the background. Hawaii contains ukuleles! And surfers! And very, very expensive food! Charla and Mirna arrive ahead of schedule at 6:40 AM, and they're "Currently In 1st Place," and they run for a taxi. They talk about wanting to be first to sign up for the helicopter flight. Behind them, the second flight lands, equally ahead of schedule, at 7:20 AM. Eric and Pink and the BQs run off the flight. They get cabs. Charla and Mirna, meanwhile, get to the hangar and sign up for the first helicopter flight. Phil tells us that these flights will leave ten minutes apart to fly 120 miles to Lanai. There, each team will choose a jeep and drive three miles to Kaumalapau Harbor. Mirna laments the fact that her lead will shrink to ten minutes due to departures. Perhaps it's a little bit more fair than she thinks, given that she picked up like two hours due to departures at the beginning of the leg, no? Live by the bunch, die by the bunch, lady.
The Eric and Pink and BQ taxis jockey for arrival at the hangar, and as it happens, Eric and Pink find the right entrance first, so they're second and the BQs are third to sign up for the helicopter flights. Needless to say, neither of these teams are happy to see that they were edged out by Charla and Mirna. "I had a feeling they might be here," Dustin says with a smile. Mirna, who hates disgusting liars and people with bad character, tells Eric (for no particular reason) that she was on the same flight that he was on, but he calls her bluff immediately, because he instantly knows she's lying. Seriously, you think you could be on a flight from Tokyo to Honolulu with Charla and Mirna in an enclosed plane and be unaware of their presence? You'd be more likely not to notice a Great Dane in your lap while you're at the dentist. On the helicopter to Lanai that leaves at 9:00, Mirna talks about how it "uplifted [their] spirits" to get the earlier flight, and we watch as they do fake hulas on the helicopter. It's an instinct we'd all have, and one that I hope I would find a way to ignore. Eric and Pink follow, and Pink's just happy to be ahead of someone. Eric calls the view of Honolulu "real pretty." Well, he's nothing if not articulate. When the BQs leave, they show shades of Mirna by telling their helicopter pilot that they need to hurry. At least he's not in the military. "I understand," the pilot says, fortunately for them, rather than being like, "If you two don't settle down, I will just stop this helicopter right now, and we will go home. Is that what you want? Huh? Huh?"
Charla and Mirna land in Lanai. They get in their jeep and leave, with Mirna noting that Eric and Pink's helicopter can be seen landing off to the left. Eric and Pink do indeed arrive and get in their jeep. She is almost all the way out of that shirt, I'll tell you that much. Her seatbelt is like, "Um, excuse me, sorry, don't mean to...touch quite so much of your...yeah, sorry." The BQs land as well. Elsewhere, Mirna is admiring the cliffs and how they "drop straight down." A person could fall. And hurt herself. BUT I HOPE THAT DOESN'T HAPPEN. They park and approach the guy in "traditional dress" or whatever, who hands them their clue. The clue is for a Detour, and the choices are Under and Over. (Or, if you like old-school Detour options, "Under It, Dude" and "Over It, Shrewd." Or something.) In Under, you go to an underwater cave and swim down to get your clue. It sounds easy, but the thing kind of spits water aggressively like you're swimming into the world's biggest llama mouth, so getting in there isn't that easy. In Over, both team members have to stand on a paddleboard and paddle it to a buoy. Charla and Mirna decide to do the Over option. It strikes me that in all of Hawaii, this is what they came up with? "Swim straight down" and "stand up and row"? Whatever.
The BQs, currently in last place, talk about how ten or twenty minutes at this point isn't anything, which is totally true. In fact, I don't think an hour would be anything. Final leg! Nothing matters! As Charla and Mirna arrive at the Detour, Mirna is complaining that this requires "technique" and that they won't know how to do it. Meanwhile, Eric and Pink reach the Detour and initially select the Under option, but when Eric sees Charla and Mirna going for the standing and paddling, he wants to do that instead. As for Charla and Mirna themselves, Charla -- who has a wonderfully low center of gravity for this purpose -- is finding standing up and paddling to be not that difficult, and she tries to reassure Mirna that it's not that hard. Mirna snaps back, "It's not that hard because you're a lot shorter than me!" Somehow, I suspect Charla is aware of this fact, but you can't have too many reminders, I'm sure. Charla yells, "Stay low!" which I love, because...well, whatever. Charla's smart enough to enjoy watching herself be awesome at something while Mirna sucks at it. Indeed, Mirna is very slow at this, and as she admits in a voiceover, Charla does infinitely better than she does at this particular thing. It's nice that at least she can give Charla credit for being good at the height-averse tasks. ("Charla did a great job being really short.")
Meanwhile, Eric and Pink have changed their minds again after watching the girls struggle, so now they're back to doing the Under option. When they get there and hop out of the boat, Eric comments that they're in quite a bit of water. Eric voices over that he has a "shark phobia," so he was nervous and looking for sharks the whole time. Maybe sharks are looking for him, too. Cross your fingers! Charla and Mirna finally finish with the paddling and take their clue back to the boat. Now, the claim is that Charla and Mirna open a clue that says, "Make your way to Shipwreck Beach and find your clue." This is not, in fact, strictly what occurred. What occurred is that they went and did a Roadblock, which was not aired in the episode. (It's helpful to have a party with those in the know after the fact.) And it was a Roadblock in which the clue actually stated who had to do the Roadblock, because Dustin, Mirna, and Pink were the ones required to do it. (I realize that Mirna was sort of "saved" for this Roadblock just in case it was an impossibility for Charla, but it really is interesting to note that Charla did fully half of the Roadblocks, in spite of Mirna's insistence on several occasions that she has to do everything herself and is tremendously put-upon.) But since we're not seeing the Roadblock, Phil claims that they are going from here to Shipwreck Beach, named for...well, a nearby shipwreck. I know. You were wondering how it got that name. You can imagine, the beach is probably pretty pissed off, considering the lovely and colorful names that many other things in Hawaii wound up with. The beach is like, "'Shipwreck Beach'? Really? Don't strain yourself, there, genius." Anyway, at the beach, they'll walk a mile up the beach to find their clue. As Charla and Mirna boat off, Charla chuckles happily: "Low to the ground, that's my technique." Heh. See, she has a sense of humor about it, you know?
Eric and Pink make it to the underwater cave and fetch their clue. Charla and Mirna get in their jeep and head for Shipwreck Beach. Elsewhere, the BQs find the Detour clue and decide to go with Under. As Eric and Pink read the clue for Shipwreck Beach, you'll notice that Pink is soaked and looks a little bit like somebody just hit her in the face with a ping-pong paddle, while Eric is dry. This is because she just did the Roadblock. The Roadblock that involved diving off a cliff and, as I understand it, kind of face-planting in Pink's particular case. Dustin and Kandice, in the meantime, are having a little trouble with the underwater cave, and Dustin explains that the whole thing made her feel panicky, and trying to time it so you could get under instead of getting forcefully sprayed in the face by the edge of the cave was kind of difficult. Eric and Pink are back in their jeep, leaving for the beach. In the cave, the BQs are having a hard time, because Dustin really kind of freaked out about the difficulty breathing, but they get out and head back to their boat. Once again, we see soaking Dustin and the dry Kandice (Dustin did the Roadblock) as they read the clue for Shipwreck Beach. They note that there hasn't been much of an opportunity to catch up -- yet.
Charla and Mirna find Shipwreck Beach, and Mirna starts yelling at Charla to run. There's a change of pace. They head down the beach, and Charla supposes that going in the grass might be easier than what they're doing, which is walking on the rocks. Eric and Pink and the BQs are behind, and it turns out that they arrive at Shipwreck Beach close together. "Charla, you HAVE to RUN!" Mirna orders -- up ahead of the other teams, but only slightly. She's apparently under the impression, once again, that this is about Charla simply not putting in the effort necessary to run faster on her foot-long legs. God. Eric and Pink pass Charla and Mirna as Mirna continues yelling at Charla to run. If Mirna thinks she's so blessed mentally, why is she too fuckin' stupid to notice that Charla's legs are too short to allow her to leap from rock to rock and "run" on the rocks? Her legs are too short; SHUT UP about it already. This is what makes me nutsy about this particular situation, and Mirna isn't the first person to be guilty of it: whatever weaknesses your partner has that you obviously know about, if you can't tolerate them, don't take the person. But you can't take the little person with you and keep bitching that she's a slow runner. You knew that. This is her. Take her or leave her, but don't take her and then act like somebody put a goddamn gun to your head. You can't take your 70-year-old dad and complain that he's old, or your really unathletic and uncoordinated friend and complain that he's really unathletic and uncoordinated. If someone is intrinsically beneath you as a partner, then take someone else. Otherwise? Quiet.
The BQs are passing Mirna and Charla, too. Eric and Pink are first to reach a set of canoes, and they read a clue telling them to take a kayak out to the shipwreck where their clue is tied to a buoy. Take note, as these teams get their kayaks into the water, that it's extremely windy, which is presumably going to make this a lot harder. Eric and Pink and the BQs get going. Mirna, discouraged about being passed and knowing that Charla's short legs were a problem during the running on the rocks, is now thoroughly disgusted with everything Charla does, and is barking orders at her about getting the kayak in the water. As usual, they are following the well-known Tallest Person Gets To Boss Shortest Person model of governance. Common in many settings, other than (1) France under Napoleon and (2) certain airline flights I've been on, where the children kicking my seat are clearly their own masters.
The BQs are having some trouble kayaking, as well as some trouble deciding exactly how to tackle the task. As they (surprisingly) bicker quite a bit, Kandice voices over that Dustin sometimes doesn't listen to her, which causes her to feel "extreme frustration." Apparently, Dustin made the choice to get out of the boat and try to walk the boat for a while, because paddling it was so tough, while Kandice thinks it's a bad idea and not even safe to be out of the boat, since she feels like she's going to slice her legs open on the rocks. Eric and Pink, however, have successfully made their way to the buoy, where they are collecting their clue. "We're going to have to work, Dustin," Kandice says sharply. "We can't walk." They get back in the boat and try, but they get dumped out of the boat. Mirna is busy berating Charla: "Charla, please MOVE YOUR PADDLES A LITTLE!" And then she screeches something I can't even understand after several listens, except that it ends with "ARE YOU DEAF?" Again, as Mirna has said, she doesn't believe in giving Charla special treatment. Same as everyone else! Because that's what respect is about, people. If she didn't yell at Charla, that would mean she didn't think of her as an equal. Not an equal to Mirna, of course, but an equal to the rest of the world. Mirna keeps on screeching, and the BQs finally make it to the buoy. They were clearly paddling against the current on the way out, because the trip back seems to be far easier.
Back on shore, Eric and Pink read a clue sending them to San Francisco. When they land, they'll head for the Old Mint. Eric and Pink, and then the BQs, read this clue and head for their cars. Getting into the car, Pink assures us that getting a good flight is "impor-ant." For the first time, something is very much amiss with the BQs in their car. Kandice voices over that they were both very frustrated and angry by the time they got back from the paddling. And Kandice is taking the lead: "Dustin, out there on the water, you were not a good teammate," she says from the back seat. "You were about Dustin, and that's it, and you didn't care what I was saying." "We paddled your way," Dustin counters. "No, we didn't," says Kandice. Dustin insists it was "a give and take," but Kandice is like, "Not." "I have no patience for you right now," Kandice says. It gets a little painful as Dustin insists that she was doing what she thought was good for the team, while Kandice is sort of put off that overriding her was what Dustin deemed best for the team. Kandice says that she "suck[s] up a lot," and that Dustin "can't ever admit anything" (yikes). "Kandice, you're saying a lot of hurtful stuff right now," Dustin says. Finally, Kandice says that "it's over." I hope so! I don't like fighting. Unless exactly the right person is getting a blow to the head. It's kind of painful how they're trying very hard to have Productive Conflict, like, "You are making me feel [x]. I need you to validate my feeling that [y]." "Well, right now, I am feeling [z]." But of course, it's very difficult for that not to degenerate into "Right now, I very much feel like hitting you with [a, b, and c]."
Commercials. John McEnroe as a killer? Really? Sigh.
Unfortunately, when we return, the fight is not quite over. "You said that I wasn't a good teammate. That's a big thing to say, Kandice," Dustin says. Kandice goes on to say that Dustin was, in that situation, not listening and was wanting instead to just do her own thing. Speaking of doing your own thing, we cut back to Charla and Mirna, fighting through the waves to get to the buoy, which they finally do. They fetch their clue. And then we go back to the BQs, just in time to see Dustin say this: "The fun of this race for me, Kandice? Is doing it with you. I'd rather not do it if it's like this," she says, in tears. "It's over," Kandice says. "Let's just get to California, and let's just do this." Dustin smiles a little in the front seat. "I'm not going to drag this out any longer," Kandice continues. You can tell that she's still angry, but nevertheless, Dustin reaches her hand into the back seat, and Kandice gives it a squeeze and says, "We have a race to run, sister." Aw! She adds, "Sorry," and Dustin says, "It's tough on a friendship." That argument wasn't quite as functional as it looked on first glance, and it's clear that they do have some underlying issues that they'd probably be better off confronting at some point, including Kandice's feeling that she's the suck-it-up person and they couldn't work together if she weren't. But for now? On to the end. This is not the time to get all, "I now would like to discuss my eight-point list of grievances with you as a teammate."
On the beach, Mirna pronounces the paddling "the worst experience [she's] ever had in [her] entire life." Replacing several other previously worst experiences of her entire life that have taken place during her two seasons of racing. They read the clue about going to San Francisco. They talk about how tired they are as they walk up the beach toward their car. You can tell that kayak was a real ass-kicking for everyone.
Eric and Pink are getting into their helicopter to go back to Honolulu. They're followed by the BQs. In the Charla/Mirna car, they look totally wiped out as they discuss how difficult it was. At the Honolulu airport, Eric and Pink are looking for tickets to Oakland. (Apparently, Mirna told someone at the party that the teams were required to fly into Oakland rather than SFO, in a [totally futile] attempt to avoid spoilers by hitting the smaller airport.) They learn that ATA has a direct flight. The BQs show up at the airport, and Charla and Mirna get on their helicopter.
Eric and Pink learn that the ATA flight leaves at 11:55 PM and gets in at 6:57 AM the day. The BQs show up right behind them and learn about the same flight. Dustin asks whether there are any options that are closing soon that they could try to squeeze on. But in fact, both teams wind up getting on that 11:55 PM flight to Oakland. Dustin tells Kandice, though, that they should keep scouting for flights, because Mirna and Charla will find a better flight if there is one. And in fact, Charla and Mirna now arrive at the airport and are told about the 11:55 flight that night. Mirna asks the lady to check other airlines, and the BQs wander by and decide to see if they can hear anything. Mirna is told, though, that all other flights that would get her there sooner are already gone. Robbed of the opportunity to use her sole apparent racing skill, Mirna looks dejected. "I guess we're all on this flight," she says sadly. Don't give up! Maybe there's a large bird who will take you!
There are some pretty shots of Hawaii at night, and then the teams are all boarding the 11:55 PM flight. Pink's boobs are hanging halfway out of her top, as usual, as she talks on the flight about the way it's all stressful and difficult running to the finish line. Somebody was talking to me this weekend about the fact that she seems to have brought no clothes on the race at all except for those too-small tops and leggings. It really is a little strange. She's lucky they didn't spend more time in more conservative cultures, because...even for here, that's a lot of chest to hang out in public. I don't think of myself as a prude about how people dress, but...I've seen women in malls breastfeeding who are showing less boob, to be honest. Eric says he's more nervous here than at any other time, because any little mistakes can be critical. The flight leaves. In the air, Mirna voices over that they "will always find a way to use [their] mental abilities to get ahead." (She has a very loose definition of "always.") Charla, on the other hand, talks about using all their "sweat" and "energy." Eric vows not to take second or third place. He wants the money "or nothing." I don't think they'll actually let you refuse to finish if you're not first, dear.
Commercials. Obligatory gnome, for what I hope is the last time this season.
The plane lands. Eric and Pink are first in line to get off, then Charla and Mirna, then the BQs. The door opens, and there is running through the airport. Mirna drags Charla on her heelies. (Healy's, I know, but...they're like Xerox. It's their own fault.) The teams hop in cabs to the Old Mint. The BQs encourage their driver to pass Eric and Pink's taxi, which he does. In San Francisco proper, the drivers choose slightly different routes to the mint, so Eric and Pink go one way while the BQs go another. The BQs, as it turns out, are the first to find the mint and sprint out of their cab. They run through a brick-lined corridor, where a gentleman in a uniform gives them their clue.
Okay, so, final task. Phil explains that in this final task, one person has to answer a set of four questions about other teams: Which other team is the least truthworthy? Which other team has the best sense of humor? Which other team is the most overrated? Which other team is the one you most want to stay in touch with? Those are the four questions that will determine, in effect, the entire race. You answer using numbers that correspond to the other teams. This creates a code. The other person on the team then has to try to guess what answers the teammates gave to come up with the same code. Phil claims that this tests how well "each teammate knows the other," which is totally true, if you think that knowing a person constitutes knowing the answers to four questions about seventh-grade bullshit. I intensely despise this task on sight. If the second teammate can figure out the answers given by the first teammate, then the code will open the safe. But if you don't get it after ten minutes, you can leave anyway, because they still want that close finish. Dustin goes in first for the BQs, and Eric and Pink are hot on their tails, with Eric going in first. Mirna drags Charla toward the mint. Eric interviews that this task was great, because Pink is such a gossip that it was no problem.
Dustin picks Rob and Amber for least trustworthy. Eric goes with Oswald and Danny, which, again, shows that you have an advantage if you have a totally irrational grudge against someone, provided that you share it. Dustin says that Uchenna and Joyce have the best sense of humor; Eric goes with Charla and Mirna, which...is the opposite of true, but okay.
Speaking of whom, Charla and Mirna arrive, and Mirna goes in first, voicing over about how they're "strong mentally." Mirna thinks Rob and Amber are the least trustworthy. Dustin chooses Rob and Amber for "most overrated," and Eric does, too. Dustin picks Uchenna and Joyce to stay in touch with, and Eric does, too. That's nice for them. Mirna picks Kevin and Drew for best sense of humor. And then, for some reason, Dustin second-guesses herself and goes back to the first question, replacing Rob and Amber with Joe and Bill. AIEEE! This is a challenge where you never, never change your first answer, because the odds are, that's the right one. I can't believe she changed it. Man. [Special note: In a post-race interview, Dustin said that she initially tried to put the code in with Rob and Amber, and the machine wouldn't accept it. It was only after she couldn't get it to enter correctly that she changed it, which makes a LOT more sense. And if that really happened, then she and Kandice were incredibly, woefully hosed here.]
Eric programs his code into the vault. Pink and Kandice are sent into the vaults to try to guess the codes. Mirna enters the code and goes to get Charla.
Pink picks the BQs as least trustworthy. Kandice picks Rob and Amber, which was originally the right answer, but now isn't. Pink correctly picks Charla and Mirna for sense of humor, and Kandice picks Oswald and Danny -- wrong. Pink picks Rob and Amber for overrated, as does Kandice. Charla picks Oswald and Danny for sense of humor -- wrong. Both Pink and Kandice correctly pick Uchenna and Joyce for staying in touch with. Neither of their codes work -- Pink has the "least trustworthy" question wrong; Kandice has that one and sense of humor both wrong. Charla's is wrong, too. Pink tries another code. Kandice changes "least trustworthy" to Kevin and Drew. Sigh. See how it's feeling random here. Neither of them actually got it right, so now it's really just guessing.
And the first one to come up with the right guess is Pink, so she gets to leave first. The clue they've retrieved sends them to the main entrance of the Botanical Gardens. Which...is where the finish line is. Isn't this great? Isn't this exactly what the race should come down to? Shit-talking other teams? That is completely the spirit of this show, isn't it? I know that's why I watch it. To see people rewarded for agreeing on who else sucks.
Kandice and Charla just keep on guessing. But Kandice's time expires, so she leaves with Dustin. Their sense is that it's been about two minutes since Eric and Pink left. They hop in their taxi. Charla's time runs out, too.
Teams are all in taxis, having the typical taxi race to the finish line. What you are meant to notice is that Eric and Pink are complaining about all the red lights, while Dustin and Kandice are noting that they're hitting green lights. Very convincing!
Let's just get to the part with the other teams clapping at the finish line. Guess what? It's Eric and Pink. Seriously. Not dating, clearly don't like each other, were clearly put on the show as a cooked-up gimmick because somebody thought a dating couple made up of people from different teams would be great, includes a woman who (I'm sorry) is one of the most boring humans the show has ever featured alongside a dude who has no shtick but his old shtick...this is the end of All-Stars, which fans obsessed about beginning after maybe four races. This. Is your ending. I mean, it doesn't really matter, and they're not the first suck-ass winners or even the worst suck-ass winners (though they're certainly close), but the show couldn't really have given a bigger finger to an awful lot of fans with the way this was cast, because they forgot the biggest rule of casting -- never cast anyone who would genuinely ruin the season by winning. Furthermore, it's not like people watching the show aren't smart enough to know that "dating" with these people is bullshit. They don't even like each other; they're here because this was how they could get on the show. It was just a very, very badly planned leg and a very, very badly constructed final task. And I say that in spite of the fact that this is only my second least favorite team winning. I mean, does anybody think that Eric and Pink know each other better than Dustin and Kandice or Charla and Mirna? Of course not. Does anybody think Pink is smarter or more insightful about other people than Kandice or Charla? Of course not. It was a four-digit combination, and there were limits on what teams were even in the realistic running for each question, meaning that there was a certain amount of room for guessing, and Pink hit the right guess first. Really, the only relevant "racing" in the entire leg was the taxi ride at the very end. Oh, and one more thing -- production might try sewing up some loose lips around the office, because the entire finish order, including the order of the final three, was public before the season started, which clearly didn't come from sightings by fans -- it came from inside. Just something to think about.
But here they are anyway, and they're the winners. They're both very happy about the money they just won. They have really nothing to say about each other that's pleasant, other than things related to winning.
The BQs come in second. Very gracious. You can tell Phil wishes they'd won. And then Charla and Mirna. Who, apparently, Danny and Oswald wish had won. Bleh. Charla says that they had a great time, but it was very tough. Phil prods the crowd of other teams to cheer for them. Charla interviews that she's proud of all they did. Mirna, of course, wants to talk about Charla's "obstacles," which Charla chose not to do, because that's not the focus of the way Charla sees herself the way it's the focus of the way Mirna sees her. Mirna goes on about "breaking stereotypes," as if she broke any. She says "people got to know the real Charla and Mirna." Awesome. Good to know. That makes me feel validated. Dustin is very happy about all her memories. Kandice says that her grandmother told her to reach for the moon, and that way, she'd at least hit the stars. Either Kandice has that backwards, or Grandma didn't have a great understanding of astronomy. Kandice is grinning, but you can tell she's piiiiiissed.
Now, the stupid part is repeated from last time around -- Phil puts Eric and Pink on a Sprint phone to call people back home. Sprint! Sprint! Sprint! Eric calls Jeremy, who looks...kind of ill, to the point where I'm hesitant to make fun of him. I'm not sure what's up with him, but if that's not just the effects of too much drinking and natural bloating, I wish him well. Jeremy puts on a show of being happy that Eric and Pink won. Jeremy promises Eric "some spankings." Danielle calls no one. Eric talks about being "proud of" her for how she did on the race. Eric says "I definitely see things progressing," which apparently means they're progressing toward never speaking to each other again. The absence of any genuine affection for each other is palpable. Not a terrible season, all in all, but a very badly constructed final leg that led to the kind of finish to which a badly constructed final leg exposes you. I mean, Eric and Danielle don't like each other, and I'm not sure Charla and Mirna like each other, and Dustin and Kandice have only been friends for a couple of years and were totally robbed. It's not exactly the finish many of us often hope for. At least Flo had Zach. This is like...Flo and Wil. Anyway, with any luck, they'll hang around for another season so that we can all reminisce some more about the good old days of racing that probably never existed.