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We're headed for Guam, where a Detour forces the teams to choose between pretending to drop supplies for the needy and actually washing a plane. Hilariously, Charla and Mirna choose the supply drop, because they love to help people, even if those people aren't real. Everybody else washes planes, which turns out to be a pretty hard job. Then, we're on to the Roadblock, in which one team member has to carefully use a GPS device to locate and rescue a pretend injured soldier. Dustin rocks the hell out of the Roadblock, Pink freaks herself out repeatedly, Oswald wanders until the person he's rescuing pretty much waves to him, and Charla can't stop touching the screen, no matter how many times the guy accompanying her says that she's not supposed to touch the screen. In the end, Oswald and Danny finish last, so they're eliminated by their own hand instead of by the non-elimination penalty, which is kind of a good thing. The editors are sure to include tape of Danny and Oswald talking about much they hope Mirna and Charla win because they're such a "class act," which makes it seem like they're talking about different people named Charla and Mirna, but they're apparently not. So we're going into the final three with the BQs and four people I can't stand the idea of seeing win, which makes my odds of being anything other than grossed out only one in three. The only positive aspect of a possible Charla and Mirna win might be to demonstrate once and for all that no one should be invited to an All-Star season who would make a completely vile winner. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Previously on Copping A Moral Turpi-'Tude: Oswald and Danny offered to use their Yield in return for money, and the BQs took them up on it and Yielded Eric and Pink. Eric and Pink had a fit, and Oswald fretted for the rest of the leg about how this was apparently a very, very bad thing to do. Because it's wrong to try to win. Wrong! He will get hate mail! From puppies! CRYING puppies! A Detour taught folks how to ride the noodle pole (come to think of it, I believe Neil Young wrote that song), except for Danny and Oswald, who learned anew how to get lost in the rain. In the end, even though Eric and Pink had a half-hour penalty to deal with, they finished ahead of Danny and Oswald, who were the new carriers of the "marked for elimination" burden. Who will make the final three? What will happen? Will we all care? Or not so much?
Credits. Instead of discussing the credits and the commercials, I am going to use this space to pimp what I'm drinking right now, because it is awesome. Hey, don't assume that it's a margarita, smart-ass, because it isn't. Instead, it is Vignette Wine Country Soda, which you can probably get if you're in the right parts of California or if you're in Minnesota and have a Lund's/Byerly's near you. I got mine in individual bottles up in the cooler, and they look like wee wine bottles. It's nonalcoholic grape soda, kind of, except that it tastes a hundred times better than that makes it sound. It's basically (in my vocabulary) like an excellent and slightly fizzy grape-juice spritzer, and it rocks my socks. It doesn't have sugar or corn syrup, it's not ickily diet, it's half-juice, and you should try it. It's divinely light, and although I happen to be drinking it here with my laptop and the TV on, you could drink it with elegant food or a picnic (a picnic would be perfect; in fact, it makes me want to have one) and it would fit right in. I am not being paid to say this, but I will tell you that drinking it will support a fellow TWoPper, so try it: Vignette Wine Country Soda. End pimp! [BOMP.]
Phil welcomes us back to Macau, which has been a "way station for trade" for five hundred years, like all pit stops. Nearby island of Taipa, actual pit stop, you get it. This was the eleventh of our pit stops, and Phil wonders whether Oswald and Danny can get past their thirty-minute penalty and stay in the race. And what will become of the infuriated, morally outraged Eric and Pink? We know they won't be Yielded again, so what will Eric use as ammunition in his fight against the world's injustices? Will he check his self-righteous bullshit, or stuff it into the overhead compartment?
2:15 AM. Dustin and Kandice. They rip the clue, which tells them to fly to Guam, which is about 7500 miles. Do you know where Guam actually is? I realized that I didn't entirely, so if you wish your girlfriend was dumb like me and she actually is, you can show her this shot. When they land, they'll drive nine miles to Andersen Air Force Base, where they'll choose a military escort to drive them to an air traffic control tower. They'll climb to the top of the tower to get their clue. Boy, this should be great. I don't know about you, but I watch the race for frivolous fun and a view of the rest of the world, and nothing says "let's embrace the rest of the world's cultures in the spirit of entertainment" quite like the U.S. military. Dustin says that she and Kandice know how important this leg is, and that they've gone home in the past and don't really want to go home this time. They make their way to the ferry and think they can catch it without anyone else being on it with them.
2:50 AM. Charla and Mirna. Charla interviews as they leave that she was kind of so-so on racing again, because it's tough on her physically, and "having the best racers of The Amazing Race compete against you is even more scary." Well, I can see that being a concern, had that actually happened -- had, for instance, more than ONE winning team been invited back. I mean...come on, now. I don't necessarily take the position that an All-Star season has to be entirely based on merit, but you have to live in reality. You think Eric and Pink and Mary and Dave were more formidable competition than, say, Rob and Brennan, Chris and Alex, and Flo and Zach would have been? Give me a break, dude. This is why it's really a priority for me that they in particular do not win this, because you just know they'll see it as "best of the best," which it isn't. It wouldn't be true, but you couldn't excise that delusion from Mirna's brain with a hacksaw and an ice-cream scoop. They get there and apparently come close to catching the same ferry as the BQs, but ultimately, they don't. That's going to put them an hour behind the BQs.
3:06 AM. Eric and Pink. "We didn't come through all this crap to lose," he says. At the ferry terminal, they run into Charla and Mirna. Eric speculates about the BQs going to the airport to look into flights (not suspecting, I think, that they could have made an earlier ferry), and Mirna chortles, "Charla says they don't know how to use the internet." Charla immediately is annoyed by this, because it's clearly not what she said. It's a little like that time Mirna wanted to pal around with Eric about hating the BQs, and she kind of didn't realize that she was playing petty all by herself. Here, Charla carefully clarifies that she certainly didn't say that; all she said is that she hasn't seen them choose to use the internet to research flights. Mirna laughs all huh-huh-huh, because this is how she reaches out to other people, sadly enough, and she really wants to make friends with Eric and Pink.
The BQs get off the ferry and get a taxi to the airport. In the taxi, they talk about how the ferry is probably about halfway across.
4:37 AM. Danny and Oswald. They count their money as they get ready to go. Oswald says that they're marked for elimination, and once again, we revisit the entire "karma" business from the last episode, and they go so far as to say they've asked the universe for forgiveness. (Universe's Forgiveness Department: "Go away; I'm trying to leave the line open for when Dick Cheney calls. ... Whatever, I'm an optimist.")
Charla and Mirna and Eric and Pink get taxis to the airport. In the Mirna/Charla taxi, Mirna asks whether the driver has a cell phone, and she starts trying to put on her affected accent to talk about calling the airport. "How you say 'airport'?" she asks. "Airport," the taxi driver says, clearly bored with her, which is the only workable defense. "You have to try to do the right accent; makes all the difference in the world," she says. For instance, in China, she finds that a generic Eastern European accent works well, while in South America, she uses an accent from Eastern Europe. Zanzibar was the kind of place where it's better to try to talk like an Eastern European, while people in Mozambique talk a lot like Eastern Europeans. It's all about adaptability. You have to be nimble. Listen carefully, ye citizens of the world! I'll tell you, Mirna is nothing if not a mystery wrapped in an enigma cooked in shut the hell up.
Danny and Oswald get the 6:00 AM ferry to Hong Kong. They're pretty sure that all the other teams are out ahead of them. Good call!
The BQs arrive at the airport and go to the counter, where they ask about flights to Guam. We see Charla and Mirna at the same time in their cab, and Mirna is using the cab driver's phone to call ahead and check. They both find the same flight on Cathay Pacific. It leaves at 9:05 AM. The BQs book at the counter, while Mirna directs her cab to take them to that counter. So the calling ahead definitely helped, although it doesn't look like she was able to do the tickets over the phone. Eric and Pink arrive at the airport. When they come up behind the BQs in line, Kandice turns around and says, "You look very buff today, Eric." And it's true that he's wearing this tight shirt that sort of invites you to inspect his every pec ripple. Pink has a giggle with the BQs about Eric's see-through show-off shirt, which might as well have arrows pointing to his nipples. And maybe twinkle lights. All three lead teams get on that same 9:05 flight.
In last place, Danny and Oswald head for the airport. When they arrive, they learn of the very-very-soon flight leaving for Guam. As the other two teams are boarding, Danny and Oswald are heading at top speed through the airport. But when they get to the counter, the lady tells them that they won't make it. But, as she says, "We have flights still can." She must have been talking to Mirna. Specifically, there's a flight leaving at 10:15, which will also take them to Tokyo, the first stopover on the other flight. It will give them a very, very short layover, but if all goes well, they can get on the same Tokyo-Guam flight as everyone else. They're just hoping that they can "haul ass" and make the connection. The Amazing Yellow Line and the lollygagging Amazing Orange Line show us how the teams are going to Guam via Tokyo, which is not a straight line, so much, you'll notice.
In Tokyo, the lead teams get set to make their connection. They all agree that they haven't seen Danny and Oswald at all, and then all of a sudden, there are Danny and Oswald, landing in Tokyo. They head to the desk, and they're told, "You need to hurry; the plane is boarding now." The other three teams are on the flight, wondering where Danny and Oswald ended up, as the boys run through the airport. Eric doubts that they'll make the flight. Oswald notes that it's "always the last gate," and I feel him on that, because every time I go into or out of Minneapolis, I wind up out at the end of this ridiculously long concourse where you have to take about twenty moving sidewalks and ride on the back of a goat to get to your gate. I don't know what flights use the nearby gates, but I think they just go back and forth to Milwaukee or something. "If we don't make this flight, we'll be dead, dead, dead, dead," Oswald says as he runs.
Commercials. Die, gnome!
We come back to the Tokyo airport, where the other teams are pretty happy with the apparent fact that Danny and Oswald aren't going to make this flight. But they get on the flight, and...nobody talks to them. Heh. Nobody is happy to see them, which probably isn't personal, except maybe for Eric and Pink. Eric interviews that he "hates" Danny and Oswald and has nothing to say to them. It's not good for your pecs to hang on to that kind of a grudge, Eric. They'll harden. Oswald voices over that it felt like Alaska instead of Japan, because they "felt the cold breeze" coming from other teams.
After a weird patriotic transitional doodad that looks like the credit sequence of Major Dad, we are in Guam at night, and all the teams are scurrying off the plane. They run outside and find marked cars, and Danny and Oswald are actually the first ones to get out of the airport. The rest of the teams follow. When Danny and Oswald get to the Visitors' Center at the Air Force base, they learn that it's all closed, and that their escorts will be available beginning at 7:00 AM. So in all likelihood, whether Danny and Oswald made that flight didn't make that much difference; they had about nine hours to get another one.
And then it's morning, and...American flag! Military personnel standing at ease! It's 6:50 AM, and they've already done more than you will do all day! Eric is still talking about wanting Danny and Oswald eliminated. Dude. It is a game. What is wrong with him? I've seen people get in fights where there is actual cock-punching who don't stay mad for this long. When it turns to 7:00, the teams rush forward and pick out military escorts. The BQs are with someone named Kyle, and Mirna is being inflicted on someone named Frederick. Poor Frederick. On the way to where they're going, Dustin asks Kyle whether it's "inspiring" to work at the base, and he tells her that it is. Dustin's girl-crush on the entire U.S. military seems like a little much to me, but I suppose it's her business. The BQs are first to the tower, and they start to run up the stairs. Eric and Pink are behind them. Then come Charla and Mirna and Danny and Oswald, who start out basically together, but it looks like the steps are going to be slow going for Charla.
At the top of the tower, the BQs find the clue box and tear it open, and it's a Detour. As Phil strolls under the nose of a jet, he says that teams are choosing between two "routine activities" carried out here. Your choices are Care Package or Engine Care. In Care Package, you go to a warehouse where you participate in a "humanitarian relief" thing, by filling a box with supplies for locals. When they have 500 pounds of stuff, they'll participate in an "air drop training exercise." Meaning that they aren't dropping their actual box, nor is there any indication that their actual box will ever be dropped. They are packing a box, and they are participating in a training exercise of dropping a box. But packing and dropping their box? It doesn't appear so, anyway. In Engine Care, you clean the "engine pod" of a B-52 bomber. Dustin and Kandice decide that they can wash a plane faster than they can participate in all this "training exercise" stuff, so they take that option. Eric and Pink also choose the cleaning, even though Pink is sort of skeptical and nervous about how big the planes are. Oswald and Danny choose the plane. Charla and Mirna choose the Care Package, which Charla says is because she "like[s] to help people." Now...I don't doubt that she likes to help people; I'm sure that's sincere. But I dearly wish she would just say that she chose this because she thought it would be faster. She and Mirna aren't suicidal -- they know that the two of them are in no shape to wash a bomber. I respect the racing decision to go with the other Detour, but it is a TRAINING EXERCISE. There is no indication that the handful of minutes they're going to "donate" while simply trying to finish the task as quickly as possible are really going to "help people." Nor do I think they would ever have chosen this on the basis that it would "help people" if they didn't also think they could do it faster. You got morality play in my game show!
Over at Engine Care, the BQs get suited up in their cleaning gear. Eric and Pink and Oswald and Danny do the same. Meanwhile, Mirna is yelling at Charla: "Charla, can you RUN?" Charla, of course, is running already. I'd think Mirna has been working with Charla long enough to have figured out that even when Charla runs, she's still slow. Her legs are short. This is physics. Dragging her doesn't help; yelling at her doesn't help. Her legs. Are. Short. I just wish Mirna would shut up about it, because I'm sure Charla feels conspicuous enough as it is, you know? When they get to the packaging thing, Mirna starts hurling armloads of crap into the box like she's stuffing it into an incinerator. Because she likes to help people! "Put it in with some degree of love, okay?" the supervising military guy asks. "Don't just throw it like it's garbage." In other words, "You're not helping, but at least don't break shit that we will eventually give away to someone."
Teams wash planes. Oswald immediately concludes that this is probably the harder of the two tasks. Dustin likens it to washing a really, really big pot. Heh. As Mirna throws books into a box, she says loudly, "Mathematics books! Books are really important! They help you out a lot in life!" Oh my God, I've been wondering what the fuck books were for. Especially textbooks! I grew up with them, and I thought they were for putting in your backpack to strengthen your core. Apparently, they have some value? And help you in life? I am totally keeping this episode on tape in case I ever forget that. Pink, meanwhile, has concluded that she would not excel in the Air Force. I think we can all agree on that. Mirna and Charla conclude that their box is heavy enough (there's something SpongeBob on top, which is kind of funny), and they go to put tape around it. Which tape someone will later rip off to repack the box, is what I think. When they're done, they follow the military guy toward the plane.
The teams doing the cleaning are finding it quite difficult. Arms are getting tired, and I think they're probably getting kind of hot and gross in all that gear. Mirna drags Charla by the hand toward the plane. What is with the dragging? Is there any reason why two 30-year-old women need to hold hands while they're running? No, there is not. Not unless one of them is a child, which neither of them is, Mirna. They get on the plane, and it takes off. They point out "the box," although considering that they ran directly to the plane, it's fairly obviously not their box.
The BQs get the guy over to check on their cleaning, but he finds some stuff that still needs to be fixed. In an interview, they laugh that "there was no charming the sergeant," and that he was all business for sure. Oswald and Danny also get checked, and they're also told that they aren't done.
Mirna and Charla experience a nosedive. That seems just, somehow. And then their plane training-exercisedly drops whatever box it is to whatever pretend people are on the other end of the training exercise. Mirna refrains from leaning out of the plane as the box is dropping and yelling PSAs, like, "You take box! You learn! Stay in school! Don't do drugs! You rock vote!" Mirna turns and says to the cargo plane pilot, "Come on, let's make it fast." I'm not sure he's accustomed to taking direction from the civilians about how fast to fly the plane.
The BQs get approval that their plane is clean enough, and the guy gives them their clue. It tells them to drive to the U.S. Naval Base Guam and find another clue. Military day! Phil says that this is a 21-mile drive, and that a naval escort will drive them to their clue. They're glad to be the first team out, while Oswald and Danny and Eric and Pink keep working. Eric and Pink are to be approved to leave, so that leaves just Danny and Oswald working.
On the plane, Mirna is still harassing the personnel to go faster. That's...really something. A task where she doesn't even have to do anything, and she can still make it unpleasant. Danny and Oswald then get their clue, so they're in third place, with Charla and Mirna in last. Oswald tells the military guy that he needs to come over and tell Oswald's maid how to clean. Hee.
The BQs get to the cars with Eric and Pink pretty much right behind them. Both teams take off. Oswald and Danny follow, then Charla and Mirna. When they realize that they're in last place, Mirna frets about how this is the last elimination, and they certainly don't want to be knocked out now. It's like she and I are yin and yang. In so many ways, you know?
Commercials. I'm not sure Michael Bublé and Target make a good combination. I might die of the ubiquity.
When we return, Charla and Mirna are still fussing over being in last. Eric and Pink and Danny and Oswald are having navigation issues trying to find the Naval Base. Mirna pulls over for directions, telling someone that finding the Naval Base is "a matter of life and death." A woman agrees to lead them. Charla moans in the back seat about how when you work so hard, you want to be rewarded. I find that a very odd comment, since the very last thing they could argue that they did on that Detour was work hard, particularly as compared to other teams.
Dustin and Kandice get to the escorts, and they select a woman in whites, rather than one of the other folks, all of whom appear to be in camouflage. On the way to the car, they tell her how cute her outfit is, which...is a little hazardous, but seems to go over okay. You can kind of tell that they're seeing this as an episode of The Military Show rather than the actual military, which is exactly what it is. This is almost certainly PR stuff to the core, so it's not as bad as it might otherwise be to focus on wardrobe. In the car, they even admire her nails, with Dustin pointing out that "you can be in the Navy and have cute nails." And indeed, I'm sure you can, depending on your job. I will say that I kind of like the fact that they didn't go in assuming that the best escort to choose was automatically the biggest dude, you know? I'm glad that they didn't take that sort of approach, like people do with Survivor contestants, where they pretend that being big physically is all that it means to be good at stuff. Plus, it hits a button for me, as far as...hell, yes. I mean, if I were an all-female team, might I pick a woman on purpose? I might indeed. It's a small thing, but I kind of liked it that they did that. Anyway, they are dropped off at a clue box, and their clue reveals a Roadblock. "Who's ready to search far and wide?" Dustin takes it.
Phil explains that in this Roadblock, the person will use a handheld GPS to navigate through some very shallow woods to find a guy who's "lost" in the bush. When they find the guy, he'll give them new coordinates to a clearing. There, they'll call for pickup and throw a smoke grenade. Cool. I mean, who doesn't like grenades? Dustin gets suited up and leaves. The guy she's with tells her that she needs to keep the arrow moving straight ahead.
Meanwhile, Eric and Pink find the base, while Danny and Oswald are hunting for it. Oswald and Danny get a taxi guy to lead them there. Dustin seems to have pretty good luck elsewhere using the GPS, because she seems to understand at a basic level the way it works. Eric and Pink pull up at the Roadblock box and ask Kandice if she and Dustin are the only ones there, which she confirms. Pink takes the Roadblock. Eric explains that while this Roadblock would be better for him, he's already done all of his, so she's on all Roadblocks from this point forward. He tells Kandice that Pink can't even read a compass. Mirna and Charla are to arrive at the Roadblock marker. Everyone is surprised that Danny and Oswald haven't made it yet. Charla takes the Roadblock. As she's leaving, Mirna repeats what appears to be part of the directions, saying, "You should not press any buttons." Charla keeps up a sort of running monologue talking about the hard job that the Navy guys have, and I feel for her, because she feels like she should talk to the dude, and she's not sure what to say. And what she says comes out kind of goofily endearing, like when she tells him that it's not surprising that military people get so many discounts. See, her, I think I don't have that much of a problem with. It's the other one.
Dustin seems close to finding her guy. Pink, not so much. Dustin finds her way to the guy, who's kind of hiding in the bushes. I think her guy, as it turns out, is actually a woman, who gives her the set of coordinates. Pink is very close to her pilot, but she doesn't seem to be able to find him. I think for some of these people, it's not clear that the GPS will get you there, but you may have to look around a little to find the actual person. Like, the GPS won't necessarily lead you into the lap of the pilot. Charla, meanwhile, is having problems, and the guy she's with reminds her that she wasn't supposed to touch any buttons. He fixes it for her. Dustin runs for the landing zone, and on her way, she spots Pink, who is very unhappy about walking into a spider web. With spiders included. [Shudder.] Pink finally finds her pilot and gets coordinates, so now she just has to find that landing zone. Charla is told once again that she wasn't supposed to touch the screen or the buttons. Man. This is like teaching a three-year-old not to push bologna sandwiches into the VCR.
At last, Oswald and Danny find their way to the Visitors' Center and pick up their escort. Dustin finds the landing zone, and she picks up the radio and is all, "Night rider, night rider, this is DL." I'm assuming it's not actually Knight Rider, although how cool would that be, right? ["It didn't occur to me that it wasn't that. I am a dork." -- Sars] The helicopter takes off to come fetch her. Dustin is fetched after tossing the smoke grenade to mark where she is, so she goes up in the helicopter. "This is so cool!" she says. As the helicopter comes back, Eric is hoping that it's Pink, and of course, it takes some time to figure out who it is, because Dustin and Pink look somewhat alike all geared up, but Dustin happily returns to Kandice, raving about how much fun it was. This is Dustin's happy day, where they love the military and discuss nail care and throw grenades. Yay! They open the clue, which tells them to drive to the pit stop, eleven miles to Fort Soledad. Last team "will be eliminated." They leave Mirna and Eric to wait.
Pink is very sad. And crying. And the guy is telling Charla to follow the GPS, obviously kind of baffled as to why she's having so much trouble. Finally, Danny and Oswald make it to the Roadblock clue, and they're happy just to see that other people are still here doing the task and aren't all gone already. Oswald takes the Roadblock. Pink, meanwhile, is out on the course fretting, primarily over her concern that Eric is going to be really mad. And again -- yes, again -- Charla is being told that she wasn't. Supposed. To touch. The screen. I take it back. Now it's like teaching a cat not to eat plants.
In the BQ car, Dustin is talking about what a great time she had. In fact, she says that just being around all this military stuff makes her proud to be an American. It's not like I'm not proud to be an American, but I don't know that I'd feel more so after being around a couple of military bases. I guess I shouldn't be surprised that I don't entirely see eye-to-eye with someone who decided to enter the Miss America pageant. They arrive at the pit stop and run to the mat. They are, unsurprisingly, team number one. Phil welcomes them to the final three. They each win an ATV, which they are very jazzed about -- especially Dustin. "Do you have any idea how many toys you guys now have?" Phil asks. And: seriously.
Pink is wandering aimlessly. Charla is wandering aimlessly. Oswald feels like he's right there, but he doesn't see the pilot. The camera guy does, though -- the pilot is in the bushes right nearby. "I don't know what to do," Pink moans.
Commercials.
When we come back, Pink gets advice from her guide, who says that she thinks Pink is accidentally hitting side buttons that are throwing off her GPS. This seems to put her back on track. Elsewhere, I think someone concludes that Oswald's guy is more hidden in the bushes than he's meant to be, so we find him standing up. And kind of waving. So now, Oswald sees him. I do love the fact that when Oswald comes over and is like, "You were right here all the time?", the guy just dryly says, "It's good camouflage." That is really funny. One point for the military man. Oswald gets his coordinates.
Finally, Pink finds the landing zone. She radios for rescue. The helicopter comes and fetches her.
Charla and Oswald are still going through the brush looking for the landing zone.
Eric is very happy to see Pink arrive . He even puts an arm around her. It's like they're friends! They leave for the pit stop in second place.
Charla, Oswald. Charla, Oswald. And the first to the landing zone is Charla, but not by much. She's very happy that anybody is behind her. As Oswald watches a fully suited-up Charla run to the helicopter, he says, "Oh my God, the Teletubbies go to war." Which is wicked and funny, but kind of...mean, especially considering she isn't the one who sucks. PICK ON THE ONE WHO SUCKS. Anyway, Oswald now gets his pickup as well.
Of course, the scene back at the spot where Danny and Mirna are waiting is shot in a way that encourages us all to be really happy that it's Charla getting out of the plane. I feel like somebody putting this show together really wants me to root for Charla and Mirna, and I just can't understand it at all. It feels like a miscalculation of epic proportions, the way every move they make is accompanied by the sweeping music and everything. You have to match the music to what's happening. There's a reason that when the Wicked Witch of the West gets on her bike, that's not when "Somewhere Over The Rainbow" plays, you know? Danny hugs them as they leave, which is better than they deserve. Oswald finally gets there, and they leave for the pit stop. In the car, Oswald rehearses the hissyfit he's going to throw when Phil tells them they're eliminated. Heh.
There is much driving around, but is this really suspenseful at this point? Pink is navigating, and she seems a little baffled, while Mirna is self-navigating, as she tends to do, and Danny and Oswald are asking for directions. Driving, driving, driving. Maybe I'm losing interest in driving after eleven seasons. And now, at the pit stop...Eric and Pink! Welcome, you are team number two. And you are among the final three. Phil pretty much tells Eric that he should be proud of Pink for beating people who are better than she is. Once again, Man proud of Woman for Woman's accomplishments! Woman adorable! Woman cute as button! Woman finest accessory after frat pin!
Oswald and Danny, Charla and Mirna, blah bling blah. Pit stop, and it's Mirna and Charla, obviously, because that's the way these things go. Welcome to the final three. Charla gives a big scream.
And then, here come Danny and Oswald to the pit stop, going past (I believe) all the other teams' cars. Phil informs them that they're last, and that they're eliminated. They talk about how great the experience was, and then Oswald announces that they want Charla and Mirna to win. Danny continues: "Because I sincerely feel that those ladies are a class act." Oh, man. We have just stepped through the looking glass, people. I mean...obviously, my head just about exploded when I first heard that comment, because with the rudeness and the presumptuousness and the hypocrisy and the bullshit, "class act" is just about the last thing I would call them, after "calm." But I eventually decided that Danny and Oswald are applying the opposite principle that I did. Basically, because Mirna is a jerk, I tend to think of the team as sucking, even though there's nothing wrong with Charla, really. I think they focus on Charla, and they think of themselves as liking the team even though half of it sucks, just like I think of myself as hating the team even though half of it is fine. So their position is as valid as anyone's, despite the fact that it kind of makes me want to throw up to hear them say it.
Anyway, they say that they have "no regrets, darling," and they had a great time, and of their "many chapters," they agree that this is "two chapters." In an interview, Danny says that Oswald "will be pushing the wheelchair as I'm going into the home. The gay nursing home that I'm going to open up." Oswald dryly observes that maybe Danny will stop talking all the time. Ha! Still lovely, lovely people, even though the last couple of legs were uneven for them, as far as my personal opinions of a few of the things that happened.
"We're gonna win" montage. It never changes.
Executive Producer: Jerry Bruckheimer.
week: Finale. The BQs fight -- boo! Mirna yells at Charla. Eric and Pink also are there. And Stitch will be as noisy as ever, so maybe I'll see you there.