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The twelfth (!) race kicks off in California, which is fitting, since it's where about half the teams are from. They head over to Ireland, running into the not-unusual circumstance in which the "better" flight hits a delay at Heathrow and winds up as the emphatically worse flight. There's a funny sequence with a ferry that certainly makes it appear that perhaps there's a task missing, unless just riding a ferry was seen as particularly engrossing. Things accelerate as the teams ride a big bicycling contraption over a zillion-foot drop, and then things become utterly awesome as the final task brings donkeys into the mix. Ah, stubborn pack animals...that's the stuff. There is some luck involved in choosing the correct donkey, but there is also some skill involved in understanding how to treat an animal and, more importantly, how not to. Bickering HugeTinies Nathan and Jennifer wind up with a stalled donkey that, shockingly, does not react very well when they stand there and yell at it, while Ari and Staella, the "we're going to be the bitchy best friends!" best friends, yank and slap and screech at their donkey, with similar results. Team after team strolls right by all these fools, until they're battling it out for last place -- a denouement that, for once, can only end in joy. Ultimately, it's Ari and Staella taking the first long ride to Sequesterville, which: awesome, and there are still ten teams left, solidly eight or nine of which seem mostly likable. It's one of the stronger premieres they've had, and if you can get over the preposterous presence of Ryan freaking Seacrest's freaking ex-freaking-girlfriend, there's a lot to like. Oh, and did I mention the stubborn pack animal standing in the middle of the road yelling, "DONK-eeeee-DONK-eeeee-DONK-eeeee"? Because it was pretty magnificent. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Previously on Phil It To The Rim With Him: Eric and Danielle. Let's not talk about it. I was never here. You were never here. Eric and Danielle were never here. We never had this conversation. What conversation? Exactly.
Aaaand, BRRRRUMP! Big buildings! The water! Something with a red carpet in front of it! Starlets' panties hanging from every tree! We frantically search until we come across Phil, who is atop a tall building, announcing that we are in Los Angeles, California, and approximately half the cast would like you to know that you can see their houses from here! Phil refers to L.A. as an "entertainment mecca," which is true, unless of course you find writing entertaining, in which case it's primarily a "traffic mecca" at the moment. This is the spot from which eleven teams will set out on their racearoundtheworld. For a million dollars!
We learn that classic cars (which seem prepared to turn this show into The New Adventures Of Old Stephen King's Christine) are carrying the teams to the starting line, which is at the Playboy mansion. Because Hollywood is horny and loves dirty pictures, and boobs are the Everglades of California. So let's meet the teams.
Marianna and Julia are sisters from Miami. They are very cute, and I cannot tell them apart. Julia claims that she and Marianna have "the heart and soul of a soldier." In a jar. Not really. We see them on a speedboat, throwing back their hair in luscious appreciation of...their hair, actually. Marianna (I think it's Marianna...they look a lot alike, for reals) adds that they have a woman's good looks and a man's "competitiveness and aggressiveness." If she thinks women need men's competitiveness and aggressiveness, she clearly doesn't know the women I know. Or...some of the men. (Just kidding, men I know! You are all terrifying!) We see them on horseback, officially completing a trifecta -- back of car, edge of speedboat, horseback -- of thirteen-year-olds' masturbatory fantasies. up: High School Musical 3!
Ronald and Christina are father and daughter. As they ride Razor scooters together (exactly as I'd do with my dad were I looking to get his other hip replaced), Ronald explains that he was gone a lot when Christina was growing up, and Christina says she's looking forward to getting to know her dad, because he's "almost sixty years old," so she's treasuring every day he has left. I have to take this moment to offer a shout-out to my awesome, funny, slightly neurotic grandma on my mom's side, who began planning her death about thirty years before it actually occurred. She once attended church and returned home raving about the soloist, saying she had already extracted a promise that the woman would sing at her funeral. To which my uncle (also awesome and funny) piped up merrily, "I guess she'd better start practicing." Oh, Grandma. Happy late birthday. (Grandma was the one in the family with the facility for silly rhymes, so if you liked the old [BOMP] lyrics? That's all Grandma.) Anyway, I tell you this to point out that I don't think even my grandma was making bleak references to the limited time she had left when she was under sixty years old, so Christina? Seriously, relax, put down the headstone catalogue, and stop taking his pulse.
Kynt and Vyxsin. Yeah, I will not be typing that all season. It's annoying to the fingers and, more importantly, it's dumb. In the back of the car, they are both in full makeup, and she has hair that's kind of the color of Animal on The Muppet Show, but less subtle. They are wearing faux animal-print shirts in hot pink, apparently made from the pelts of a tiger Siegfried and Roy threw out of the show for being too femme. They are classified as "dating Goths." In an interview shown over footage of them skipping through a graveyard, Kynt (sorry, I don't type the star in Macy*s, typically, and I'm not typing your cutesy thingamajig naming conventions, kiddo) says that Goth is a "celebration of beauty, art..." This is where I have to credit the EEFP who noted that there is no celebrating in Goth. That's what makes it Goth. It kind of seems like "Goth" is over here, and "Whee!" is over there, and never the twain shall meet. I'm sure it's very genuine to them, but I just want you to understand, if you haven't seen them and want to picture it, that this is not Goth the way you probably imagine it or, I believe, the way many, many people who consider themselves Goth imagine it. Kynt goes on to say that he and Vyxsin are like "real-life cartoon characters," and "every day is Halloween." I hope Vyxsin is bringing more supportive undergarments on the race than she brought to their intro taping, or she will soon be able to replace her heavy eye makeup with entirely natural black-and-blue marks. They also throw in a little shot of Vyxsin saying, "Kynt's hot!", which is there so they don't have to throw in a caption that says, "Yes, we said 'dating,' even though he wears lipstick and paints his eyebrows on and sounds a wee bit like Mr. Jay, so STOP JUDGING."
Nicolas and Donald are a very young-looking airline pilot and his grandpa, respectively. I have to say, if I saw that kid behind the controls of an airplane, I would ask him whether his daddy knows he's out there. In one of their interviews, Donald is wearing a shirt that says, "Grandpa." He is a store-brand grandpa! No fancy packaging! He costs a little less as a result. Nicolas informs us that his grandfather swears frequently and discusses girls inappropriately. You can immediately tell that they crack each other up, which is usually a sign of a team I will enjoy.
Nathan and Jennifer are a dating couple whose hook is apparently that he cheated on her. Makes a great hook! Tell them about it everywhere you go! You can kind of tell that she doesn't mind sharing, like her attitude toward being cheated on is 50 percent "...and it was very painful" and 50 percent "...and I will now proceed to eat lunch off it for the rest of my life." Plus or minus one percent.
Azaria and Hendekea are brother and sister. We are told that they are engineers, but we only really learn how smart they are when we see them in lab coats and goggles, swirling a beaker full of what appears to be Mountain Dew and pointing at it. That, I think, is the intro moment to finally topple Rob and Brennan's "here we are, reading law books in our apartment -- probably upside-down -- while squinting 'intelligently'" as the dorkiest first ten seconds of screen time a team has ever had. Azaria (the boy) tells us that they're "more intelligent" than other teams and "physically fit." God knows we've never had smart, in-shape people on the race before, so thank goodness for that! They'll roll right over everyone! Hendekea tells us that Azaria will expect to dominate her, but she assures us that she is good at making decisions, and he needs to listen to her. He will not listen to her. (Spoiler!)
Lorena and Jason are another dating couple, and their hook is that she's trying to get him to commit, and he seems to want to live together endlessly in a shack-uptopia. Of course, the challenge for a couple like this is always that the woman winds up feeling like the guy has a foot out the door, so it's important for him to find ways to reassure her that not wanting to get married doesn't mean he has a foot out the door. Jason is off to a bad start when he says, at the close of their intro, "I feel I always have a foot out the door." Note that he is a "devil may care...about my beard" sort of fella, as well as a guy who wears twee knit hats. ["As I observed when I first saw the episode, his beard is such that he appears to be someone else's evil twin. Someone's evil, non-committing twin." -- Joe R] I'm thinking maybe he should marry her before she outgrows both his lack of commitment and his configuration of hair.
Kate and Pat are married lesbian ministers. Put that in your team generator and smoke it! Pat declares that they "are not wimps for Jesus," going on to insist that being a Christian doesn't mean you have to hand the victory over to other people. Perhaps Pat is fond of the current "ministry of wealth" or whatever it is where they tell you that God wants you to be very, very rich. I used to hear commercials in Minnesota from one of the dudes who preaches that stuff ("God wants you to look out for number one," is kind of the idea), and it always creeped me out so hard I crawled right out of my skin and into a vow of poverty. Which worked out great, since I moved to New York.
Ari and Staella are best friends, also known as "Aaron and Arianne II: Louder, Spikier, and Hopefully Less Likely To Write Pissypants Emails To The Recapper Signed 'XOXO.'" Ari assures us that he will do anything to win -- anything! He then trots out the line he has been working on since his first interview, and possibly longer than that: "Karma's a bitch, but I'm a bigger bitch." Ha ha ha! That is hysterical. He should write a book and put all his little sayings down in it. I bet it would sell one million copies...to bitches!
Shana and Jennifer. Blonde. Similar in appearance. Shana is Ryan Seacrest's ex-girlfriend, which you may take as surprising news in as many ways as you'd like, of which "I bet she's, like, eight inches taller than he is" would only be perhaps number thirteen or so. "Jen and I fully plan to flirt our way through this competition," Shana declares. But she is being too subtle, and Jennifer isn't sure everyone will get it, so she says, "We're going to use our body [sic] in whatever way we need to." I'm surprised she doesn't take a boob out, draw a smiley face on it with a Sharpie, bend down to lick it, and then wave it at the camera, but she doesn't. Yet.
T.K. and Rachel. They're "newly dating." He doesn't...it looks to me like he doesn't have white person dreadlocks, exactly...he just has kind of faux hippie hair with the bandanna? Like he wants his dirty hair to look like dreadlocks? Or else they're really tiny dreadlocks? Anyway, they seem very fond of each other, and he says it was love at first sight, while she says she wants to spend the rest of her life with him. Walking on the beach, et cetera, couplehood, et cetera. You can tell they're "newly dating" by the way they don't have a list of grievances to air.
At the Playboy mansion, the teams strut across the grounds as Phil does his usual speech about brains, brawn, and teamwork. It's always painful to see all the skipping and hopping and high-fiving and hand-jiving, and to realize just how much someone off-camera must be yelling, "Excited! You're excited! You're starting the race, and you're excited!" Because I'm sorry, but adults don't naturally jump around this much unless you taser them. And then Phil does the wrap-up, and we pull back to desert him on top of that big building. Oh, Phil.
Now, they're all in their semicircle on the Playboy Lawn Of Debauchery, where Phil is explaining that they'll be leaving shortly. He tells them that there are eleven pit stops and eight elimination points, last person to an elimination point is eliminated...er, obviously. First clue is with your luggage. The first person to finish the race after all eleven legs will win a million dollars! As usual, the teams all react as if they've just learned for the first time that a cash prize would be involved. But Phil is ready to send them on their way. The world is waiting for you. Good luck. Travel safe. Go. Aside from the lack of a discernible eyebrow shout-out, it was a very good intro, Phil.
The teams run to their backpacks, and the sound guys do a great job of matching up the "brrrump!" sounds in the music to the ripping of several clues, which is one of the things they do that I always like, because it always gets my little adrenaline rush going. The clue instructs the teams to fly to Shannon, Ireland. They run to the cars, not apparently realizing, really, that the cars are all in a line, so they're going to have to wait for everyone in front of them. Donald and Nicolas wind up in the lead car, which makes nobody happy, because Donald sits there and counts the money. Hey, grandpa's no fool. Scrooge cheated him out of a Christmas goose once. Other people decide to lean on their horns, which is...hey, geniuses, you're all in a line. Whether you all take off together now or a minute from now, it doesn't matter. They have a few things to learn about the "racing" concept. The camera actually pulls back to show Phil, standing on the lawn and looking somewhat disdainfully at the line of cars, though it's not clear whether he's baffled by the not moving or by the honking. He kind of looks like either way, he's thinking, "So...it's arseholes, then." Finally, everybody pulls out of the mansion on the way to LAX.
Credits. Man, that volleyball Nathan gently taps to Jennifer might as well say "I Have No Confidence In Your Ball-Handling Abilities, Honey" on it. [BOMP.]
As Nicolas and Donald hightail it to LAX in first place, Donald interviews that he has a way of being a big talker, so he used to watch the show and tell his wife, "[Expletive], I coulda done that." I totally can't tell what he says. They have expert blurring technology. The teams divide at the first turn, interestingly, and some go right and some go left. Staella, meanwhile, interviews that she doesn't think they'll have friends, because of Ari's tendency to "tell it to you like it is," which, as you know, is reality talk for "Ari is an jackass whiner." Keeeeping it real! And along here, Kynt busts out the expression "Oh my Goth," which, again, is something that doesn't strike me as a particularly Goth thing to do. Of all the things I've ever seen and/or been exposed to about Goth kids, "affinity for corny puns about being Goth" has never been one of the main traits. (All of a sudden, I really want to see a long scene between Paul Rudd and Seth Rogen, called, "You Know How I Know You're Goth?")
In her car, Jennifer (of "and Nathan") explains that a bunch of the teams went right instead of left on Sunset Boulevard, so they're not going the right way to the 405. These teams, the editors helpfully show us, include Nicolas and Donald, Ari and Staella, TK and Rachel, Kynt and Vyxsin, and Marianna and Julia. One thing I noticed about this opener is that they use the editing a lot and the foreboding sound effects to remind you who's going the wrong way. When there are fewer teams and I know them better, that generally seems repetitive and unnecessary, but right now, I actually appreciate it, because I can't really remember who, out of eleven teams, said "go right" and "go left." So the little summary is helpful. I am an old lady and need a lot of help!
It appears that Azaria and Hendekea are going the right way, but they conclude that they're going the wrong way, so they turn around and head back in what is the actual wrong way. If...you see what I'm saying. Azaria also interviews here that he fears Hendekea "not being ready," and promises to "blow a gasket" if that occurs. It's always nice when your only fear is your partner's failings. Jason observes their incorrect U-turn and is amused. Teams start getting on the freeway. My favorite part of the sequence is when Jennifer refers to Kate and Pat, behind her in their car, as "these bitches." (God: "[Eyebrow].") Christina tells us, meanwhile, that she's her father's youngest, so there's that dynamic. Shana and Jennifer discern that one of them is Irish. (Ireland: "[Shakes head, sticks out tongue, makes 'thumbs down' gesture].")
Nicolas pulls over to ask directions, and he figures out that he's going the wrong way, so he turns it around. The rest of the teams are smart enough to realize that this means they should also turn around, so the wrong-way caravan finally gets righted. Donald clarifies from the car that British Airways is the flight they want, but there are limited seats. So: the usual. Hendekea gets out to ask directions, and Azaria mutters, "Women and directions." Hey, girls like ponies! Boys like trucks! Spiders are scary! Buy me some Midol! They turn around, saying it's been "a rough start." Rattlesnakes of foreboding!
Nathan and Jennifer and Jason and Lorena get to the Park and Fly lot, followed by Ronald and Christina. Kate and Pat are there, too, as are Shana and Jennifer. Ronald and Christina, however, haven't apparently gotten quite the right directions, or so suggests the ominous cymbal crash when he speculates that they might have "bum directions." Which I assume means "bad directions," and not, say, "directions to the best places to panhandle" or "start at your belly button, loop around, and go south." Jason and Lorena are the first to the British Airways counter, while Nathan and Jennifer are still on the shuttle. They apparently have a driver who's as uncooperative as a mule, because they're getting nowhere, while Shana and Jennifer get to British Airways , along with Kate and Pat. up are Azaria and Hendekea and Marianna and Julia, and only then do we see Ronald and Christina. It appears that the sisters get on the same shuttle as the engineers, but Ronald and Christina do not, and neither do Donald and Nicolas.
British Airways. Nathan and Jennifer, at last. His Jennifer is irritated that "the blondes" (you know...you're blonde yourself, there, homeslice) got in ahead of them. The two sibling teams are trying to make it to the counter, where Kate and Pat are currently getting their tickets. Nathan and Jennifer are fourth on the British Airways flight, and Marianna and Julia slip in behind them to get on the plane fifth. So of the eleven teams, that's five, leaving Hendekea and Azaria to wonder whether there are five sets of seats or six. Nicolas and Donald pile in and learn that they're the seventh team. Azaria and Hendekea sweat it out in line. But it turns out that there were only five sets of tickets on the British Airways flight, so the other six teams are out of luck. Fortunately, no one quite does the "That's it! We're eliminated!" dance quite yet. There appear to be only two flights this time around, though, so this puts a pretty quick end to the airport drama, since you either made the early flight or you didn't.
Back from commercials, the losing-out teams have migrated to the Aer Lingus counter, where they are getting on the second flight. Hendekea interviews that she and Azaria are "overachievers" (which is engineer talk for "intense"). Over at British Airways, cymbal crash! Lorena tells us that they're getting on this flight that gives them a 45-minute lead on the rest of the teams.
At the gate, waiting for Aer Lingus, Azaria and Hendekea befriend Ronald and Christina, and they borrow a girl's laptop to find out a little about Shannon. Christina interviews that people with a "family bond" kind of understand each other. That sounds like sort of a high-minded way to say "they seemed nice," but I've heard less pleasant sentiments, so, whatever. And then we watch as Hendekea, on the flight, borrows a cell phone to call ahead for taxis for her team and for Ronald and Christina. I hope they warned the person if they're using her phone to call from New York to Ireland. Otherwise, there's going to be one really pissed off lady opening her cell phone bill for $612.83 and being like, "Wait, who do I know named 'Paddy McTaxi'?"
The Amazing Map demonstrates that the "better" flight is connecting through London, while the "worse" flight is connecting through Dublin. The Amazing Yellow and Orange Lines are glad to meet you. In one of those developments that seems unpredictable but isn't, really (particularly, according to some of our EEFPs, if you are familiar with Heathrow), the lead flight is delayed on the tarmac. Dun-dun! And then we are in Shannon, where the Aer Lingus flight is landing at 12:42 PM, ahead of British Airways. Fickle transportation! Everyone outside hops into cabs. Ari and Staella wind up in the cab intended for Ronald and Christina. In the cab, Ari is sort of giggling about how the taxi might not have been theirs, but I'm not sure where he's getting that. I think they didn't get a good shot of it, if the driver made it clear to Ari and Staella that he was meeting someone in particular. Either way, Ronald and Christina get squared away pretty easily and get themselves a taxi. In Ari and Staella's cab, the driver becomes concerned that he might not have done what he was supposed to do, as far as picking up the right people. But Ari and Staella are all, "Hee hee, no, you didn't do anything wrong." Those unsuspecting Irish taxi drivers! So gullible!
Phil explains that the teams are on their way to a ferry terminal, from which they'll go to an island, where they'll find the ruins of "the smallest church in the world," which seems like the setup for some terrible joke about tiny priests, but it's just not coming to me. There, they will sign up for one of three ferries that leaves the morning: 8:00 AM, 8:30 AM, and 9:30 AM. That's an awful lot of information for Phil to give in one big bite, and I tend to agree with the EEFPs who have noted that something they did is missing here that would have tied this sequence together a bit. Meanwhile, TK and Rachel seem to be the last ones to get a cab from the formerly second/really first flight, and they're very, very happy to see Marianna and Julia and realize that the formerly first/really second flight is behind them. They get a taxi and take off, quite relieved that what they thought was last was not actually last. They once were last, but...never mind. Kate and Pat are behind the sisters, and they wonder whether they're "bad people" for finding it gigglingly funny to watch Julia screeching at Marianna and "freaking." I would like to assure them that it doesn't make them bad people; it makes them welcome at my house. Nathan and Jennifer are the first trailing team into a cab, and she explains that they're well aware that the other six teams are all ahead of them.
Cab Driver Follies. Ari and Staella urge their cab driver not to let Ronald and Christina pass, but they are unsuccessful. Just before we transition to Ronald and Christina's taxi, you hear a deep voice say, "Well, you guys took our taxi." Some of the EE(ared)FPs were hoping this was the taxi driver saying, "Well, you guys took their taxi," but my headphones say no. It's "our taxi," and it's Ron's non-Irish voice. But either way, Ari and Staella are passed, so Ronald and Christina seem to have mostly recovered from losing their original taxi.
Azaria and Hendekea learn that the ferry leaves at 4:45. Ronald and Christina and Ari and Staella arrive, and in the one line from Ari for which I will try to remember him, he refers to Kynt and Vyxsin -- who are right behind him -- as "Pinky and the Brain." Snerk. Ron tries to call out Ari and Staella for stealing the cab, but...I don't know. They didn't apparently give fake names or anything. If you want your cab to demand ID, then when you call, ask them to have the driver demand ID. It's been done. TK and Rachel, Nicolas and Donald, Nathan and Jennifer, Shana and Jennifer, Lorena and Jason, Marianna and Julia, Kate and Pat. Hey, everybody is getting on the same ferry. Sigh. While they're on the ferry, Kate gives the much-seen interview in which she says, "The Amazing Race is a love letter to the planet." Probably a little much, though I understand what I think she's saying. An opportunity to appreciate a lot of the beautiful work of God, et cetera. I like her, but it doesn't mean I don't fully intend to bust out "Where's your God now!" the first time she has to eat a pig's eye or something.
But anyway. Everybody piles off the ferry at the other end, and some ask for directions inside a little office of some kind, where they're told to go right, while others ask a dude walking down the street, who says to go left. As the foreboding drums indicate, the teams who ask the street dude and are told to go left are not being sent the right way. These include Ron and Christina, Nicolas and Donald, and Marianna and Julia. Never trust a street dude! (Just one of my New York lessons.) (Sometimes they pay you compliments!) (But you still shouldn't believe them about everything!)
And now, it's time for Relationship Talk With Nathan and Jennifer. Specifically, he's pissed off because she's walking as they're going along the road. Other teams appear to be running, including Kynt and Vyxsin -- Kynt congratulates her, calling her "little pink kitten," which...again, that just isn't consistent with my understanding of Goth subculture. It's just not this happy. If it were, no one would be irrationally afraid of it. In an interview, they discuss their high level of "tenacity," and Vyxsin calls them "Gothic Energizer bunnies." I think that means they just keep on hurting and hurting and hurting and hurting.
And now, one of the funniest subplots of the week: Nathan Swears Like His Own Granny. He hollers "God bless it!" or "God blast it!" or "Dad blast it!" or "Dag blast it!" or something, as Jennifer lags behind. And then he says to her, calmly and with hate, "You are the worst person at this I've ever met." The worst at...what? The worst at racing? The worst at walking down a country road in Ireland in the rain? And how many people he's "ever met" have given him an opportunity to test their skills? She whines that she's trying as hard as she can, and then she says he knows she's "not good at long-distance sprinting." "Every other girl," he begins (unwisely), and she breaks in: "I DON'T CARE! DON'T COMPARE ME TO OTHER GIRLS!" This is where I start thinking that Jennifer is like a fortune cookie, and you can kind of add "in bed" at the end of everything she says. "Don't compare me to other girls [in bed]!" I know, that's mean. I know. "Oh my gosh," he says, suddenly realizing how things are beginning to Flo, and she yells, "Shut up, Nate!" She interviews that she was very unhappy that he didn't manage to "keep his cool and watch his mouth." Apparently, she keeps her cool by shrieking, because otherwise, WHAT? She questions for the first of what I suspect will be many tiresome times whether she really wants to be with someone who blah blah blah [subtext] HE CHEATED ON HER [/subtext] blah blah.
Marianna and Julia realize that they are not surrounded by as many teams as they'd like, so they're thinking they're going the wrong way. Nicolas and Donald stop and ask also, and they learn that they are going the wrong way. Again! D'oh! So all the teams who went the wrong way now get turned around to go the right way.
Teams follow a path up a hill toward the world's tiniest church, and the first to the ferry signup are Jason and Lorena. TK and Rachel are just behind them, and third on that ferry are Kynt and Vyxsin. First on the second ferry are Ari and Staella, then Nathan and Jennifer, and Azaria and Hendekea. And now, Nathan says, "I love you so much." And he and Jennifer kiss. Because now that there's no stress, their relationship is good again! You know how well that always works out. Things are fine as long as nobody's out of work, short of money, having medical problems, fighting with their parents, taking care of screaming/unhappy/delinquent children...what could go wrong? Really strong relationships are forged in cotton candy!
Shana and Jennifer are very unhappy about being the first team on the last ferry. I am very unhappy about their light-blue jackets, which do indeed (thanks, EEFPs!) appear to be attempts to tug on the BQs' capes. As Nicolas and Donald ascend, Donald puts his foot in a hole (I believe) and gets stuck. Pat and Kate sign up; Marianna and Julia sign up; Nicolas and Donald sign up; Ronald and Christina sign up. Ronald calls it "a wake-up call." It's a little early in the race to need a wake-up call, it seems to me. But...all righty. We learn, as the teams settle in for the night at a B&B, that Ronald and Christina are still pals with Azaria and Hendekea. And Shana and Jennifer are despondent, and they feel that they've done poorly for themselves and just want to burst into tears. And that's not even counting the part about having seen Ryan Seacrest naked. Hiyo!
Morning. Ferries return from...doing nothing except going to find clues for more ferries. Task missing! Task missing! Vyxsin refers to herself and Kynt as "two fairies on a ferry." Hello-Kittiest Goths ever (tm Joe R)! Phil reminds us of the order of the ferries and who's on them.
The first ferry arrives, and the teams run out to a fleet of cars with clues attached to them. The clue tells them to drive forty-some miles to Cleggan Farm, where Phil explains that they will ride a tandem bike to their clue box. As the lead teams leave, it appears that there's a loose agreement that the other two (Kynt/Vyxsin and TK/Rachel) will follow Jason and Lorena in their car. When Jason takes off, though, the other teams are not following, and Lorena wants him to wait, but he doesn't want to. Lorena insists that the other teams are the ones with the directions, and Jason protests that she has directions, too. She points out that they aren't following the directions she has. She declares in an interview that her emotions are "very uncontrollable." Well, that's certainly good news. She tries to tell him that they're going the wrong way (which...she's correct about), but she has a super-whiny voice, so she does sound increasingly like Flo, even though she has a point. She loudly pleads with him to listen to her, and he ignores her. As she keeps whining (not the way to get your way! Ask any properly parented three-year-old!), he tells us that she's "intense." Bad sign! Bad sign! She wails and blubbers that he's going the wrong way, but probably out of habit, he totally ignores her. "I'm telling you, it's up here," he says.
Cymbal! Finally, Jason has pulled over to ask directions to Cleggan, and he learns that he can get there, but he's not where he wants to be at all. In the car, Lorena pointed out that they went all around Robin Hood's barn (as your grandpa would say), because he wouldn't listen to her. "You weren't helping me out; you were screaming," he says. And while I hear him that her way of communicating was not the most productive, trying to make this entirely her fault is absolutely absurd, because she wasn't screaming at the beginning, and she was right the whole time. It's kind of like, "Well, yes, I slammed your fingers in the car door, but you're the one who won't let me drive with the doors open." She tells him they're "not communicating well," and that this is also their problem "in real life." I like how she acknowledges that this is not "real life."
Second ferry! Ari and Staella, Azaria and Hendekea, Nathan and Jennifer. Meanwhile, first to arrive at Cleggan Farm are TK and Rachel, followed by Kynt and Vyxsin. They're close to each other as they hop on their tandem bikes. Kynt and Vyxsin quickly break the chain on their bike, so they just run with it. Pretty gutsy, that. The second wave of teams arrives (before, you'll note, Jason and Lorena). Jennifer and Nathan get out first, then Ari and Staella, then Azaria and Hendekea. But soon, Ari and Staella get smoked by A&H, which isn't too surprising. Ari and Staella shriek at each other, which seems kind of surprising, since it's a little early to be losing your Cheetos over a small setback like this.
TK and Rachel pedal up to a clue box that leads them to a Roadblock. "Who's ready to pedal for their partner?" Phil explains that in this task, the chosen person picks one of two "high-wire bicycles," which they will pedal across a wire over a "wind-swept ravine." The person's partner will be sitting on a seat on a pole that extends below the bike, which (I am told) fiddles with the center of gravity in a way that allows you to pedal the bike on the wire without tipping over and falling into the ravine. I personally credit a crew of invisible monkeys. TK and Rachel decide that he will ride the bike.
Last ferry! Remember, this is the 9:30 ferry with the five teams on it. Shana and Jennifer seem lost, and when they've stopped for directions, they correctly guess that they're in last place.
TK and Rachel get outfitted for the bike ride. Kynt and Vyxsin are close behind. And close behind them are Jennifer and Nathan, who refer to Kynt and Vyxsin as "the freaks." I sort of like them less all the time. As he bikes, TK yells that riding a bike on a wire is actually pretty scary, even though not much scares him. He finishes the ride, and they run to the clue box on the other side. It tells them to choose a donkey. Phil explains that in this task, the teams have to choose a donkey and load it up with thirty pieces of peat. Then they'll walk the donkey back to the farm entrance to receive another clue.
Vyxsin bikes across the ravine, followed by Nathan. Well, she's followed at first, and then she's passed. So now, Nathan and Jennifer are in second place. These two teams really haul ass toward the clue box, like it matters a great deal who's first by six feet. It's the kind of drive you like to see, up to a point, but it's a little overblown right now. They run into TK and Rachel, who are at the hitching post having loaded up their donkey, and who are getting ready to leave. TK stands in front of the donkey as he tells Rachel to touch the donkey's butt to get it to move. Apparently, he should have gotten out of the way first, because the donkey immediately lurches forward and almost knocks him down. Apparently, a donkey's reaction to being poked in the behind can include totally ignoring you, becoming more determined than ever not to move, or jumping forward all "Well, I never!" like a prissy lady in an old Gilligan's Island episode.
Azaria bikes across. Staella bikes across. So those two teams are in fourth and fifth place at this point. Ari decides they should pick the donkey who "looks lonely." Yes, choose the outlier donkey. That's the way to go at it. Meanwhile, as Nathan and Jennifer load up their donkey, they are already screaming at each other over the peat. This is not a good sign. Angry at Jennifer, Nathan says, "God bless you, Jen." I'm not sure God really entirely approves of "God bless you" being used to mean "fuck you," but there you go. Meanwhile, Ari calls his donkey "stupid," and the music is all ominous, as if this actually, really, unfixably offended the donkey. Not that I would doubt it, necessarily, based on...you know. Anyway. Azaria has better luck with his donkey than Vyxsin and Kynt, so he and Hendekea pass them. "Everyone's getting in front of us," Staella complains. Meanwhile, while leading their donkey, TK and Rachel run into Jason and Lorena, who are on their way to the tandem bike. TK basically gives them a nicer version of "Wow...sucks to be you." Jason says they need to make up time.
"I can't stop the donkey, so you'd better catch up," Azaria is saying to Hendekea. When Joe R and I start our band, which we will call Bodega Cat, its sixth album (made up of dance remixes) will be called I Can't Stop The Donkey (So You'd Better Catch Up). Jennifer nags Nate to hurry up, since A&H are gaining on them. Meanwhile, Jason and Lorena finally get the clue to the high-wire bike. Jason takes the clue, and then we return to Nate and Jennifer, who are now hollering impatiently at their donkey. Meanwhile, back at the starting line, Ari is screeching as he and Staella try to get their donkey moving. It seems to get itself tangled up with some other donkeys, though. Ari is genuinely shrieking, though, and if you've ever handled animals, you know that shrieking is...maybe not the absolute best way to encourage them to comply, since it has a way of causing them to stop moving and stand still, terrified. Meanwhile, A&H's donkey continues "kicking butt," as he puts it, not incorrectly. Ari and Staella, elsewhere, have realized that their donkey has ground to a halt and is not moving. It appears that Jennifer and Nathan's donkey stops in conjunction with being passed by A&H, and they can't get it moving again. Harder than it looks. "Why is this happening-uh?" Jennifer wails. "Pull him," she insists. "Gosh!" Nathan yells angrily. (Maybe he's pre-edited, and his outburst of profanity will go, "'What about you, donkey?' 'FLIP YOU!' 'No, what about you?' 'FLIP YOU!'")
Ari swears into the ear of his donkey that if the donkey makes him lose, he will cut the donkey up and eat it. I really wish they could have used CGI to add a Mr. Ed mouth to the donkey, which would have opened up to say, "First of all, you can't eat donkey. Second of all, I seriously doubt you can handle a knife. And third of all, I'm in the union, Spikesalot, so you just try it." Jennifer and Nathan are passed by Kynt and Vyxsin. "You can't yell like that!" Jennifer yells at Nathan after Nathan refuses to stop yelling "GOSH!" at the donkey. And then we watch as the donkey loudly begins to wail. "RAWWHHNNK," he says. And then he does this: "[squeak] honk [squeak] honk [squeak] honk." This goes on for a moment as Nathan stands there with his hands on his face, Home Alone-style, struggling to understand what the hell he's supposed to do. "I don't know what's wrong with him," Nathan says. Now, an EEFP informed us that the donkey's bit is out of his mouth, but I have to say, I can only really see the rope, so I don't know, but I assume that anyone who can find a bit on a donkey rig probably knows whether it's out or not.
We return from commercials to find this struggle ongoing. Nathan has this to say: "This is the most miserable thing I have ever dealt with in my life." If that's true, that's adorable. He then adds, "We have the most stubborn donkey in the world." Jennifer tries to shove the donkey, but the donkey's feet are planted. The donkey is not moving.
Ari and Staella, still stuck in place even farther back than Jennifer and Nathan, are passed by Lorena and Jason. And all they're doing is shrieking. Meanwhile, TK and Rachel have no worries, because they're all done with their donkey. Their clue tells them to drive themselves 13 miles to the Connemara Heritage Center, where they will find the pit stop. Excited that they seem to be first, TK and Rachel take off. Not far behind them are A&H, who proclaim "Thank you, Eeyore" as they collect their pit stop clue. Hendekea is sure that she knows where the Heritage Center is, because they passed it on the way there. And she's quite sure that up ahead, she sees TK and Rachel go the wrong way. They realize pretty quickly that they're going the wrong way, but by the time they turn around, Kynt and Vyxsin have passed them as well, so now TK and Rachel have fallen from first place to third place.
Staella? Still shrieking at the donkey, which has worked great so far, so why not? I'm not sure I know how to motivate a donkey, but I'm quite sure I know how not to motivate a donkey, and the answer is: by shrieking. Animals do not like that shit. Nathan and Jennifer aren't even shrieking at the moment; they're standing there, dumbfounded, as their donkey continues to wail in misery and anger. I'm not sure whether their idea is to let the donkey cry it out, kind of like a version of Ferberizing the donkey, but at least they're not yelling. Jason and Lorena pass, however, and every time someone passes, they get more unhappy.
A&H hop out of their car at the Heritage Center. Kynt and Vyxsin look to be close, but I think there's some faked-up suspense here. A&H indeed finish first, and for their first-place finish, they attempt to celebrate with a high-five and miss each other entirely. Embarrassing! They receive, as their prize, a trip for two to Alberta. Canada? As a prize? Boo! (Just kidding, Canada!) I'm not sure I think the brother and sister need the "moonlight snowshoeing," but they're getting it anyway. Azaria interviews that Hendekea has proved to him "how far she's willing to go." He also says that her "small frame" hides the "tiger that's within," which could come off either twee or patronizing, but because she promptly makes a tiger claw, it's kind of awesomely good-humored.
Ari tries to tempt his donkey to move using grass, which the donkey could eat right off the ground if it were hungry. Great plan.
Nicolas pedals Donald across. Kynt and Vyxsin finish in second place. Kynt vows that time, they'll be number one. Ari continues shrieking. Nicolas and Donald have their donkey. Rachel and TK finish in third place.
As he pedals Christina across the ravine, Ronald loudly sings something he thinks is "Danny Boy," but it's not, except that it starts with the words "Oh," "Danny," and "Boy." Christina giggles happily as they land on the other side, and when she congratulates her dad, he tells her that he did it so he wouldn't let her down. Aw. He also calls his performance "not bad for an old fart." Heh.
Jason and Lorena finish with the donkey and leave for the pit stop. Nathan and Jennifer are still despondent at their motionless donkey, and Nathan looks up to see Donald and Nicolas approaching, and he's like Dawson Leery, flapping his arms all, "Joey, what can I say to you?" Kind of like that. Donald says, as they pass, "These guys spook so easy, it's unbelievable." It's meant to be sympathetic, but I'm sure it's not very comforting when you're on the receiving end of it. Meanwhile, Ari and Staella are still screaming at their donkey as Christina and Ronald pass, and Christina interviews that she couldn't believe how badly they were treating the donkey. "Donkeys have souls, too," she episode-titles. And then she tells her father, "You have a way with donkeys." Heh. Marianna and Julia do the bike. They seem to enjoy it. Pat and Kate are behind them, with Kate pedaling. Shana and Jennifer are in last place. Marianna and Julia pass Ari and Staella, still stationary. Nicolas and Donald head for the pit stop in fifth place.
Lorena and Jason finish in fourth. Kate and Pat pass Ari and Staella, as do Shana and Jennifer. So now, they're in last. We now watch as Shana and Jennifer get their donkey running and promptly run past a whole bunch of people. For whatever reason, they had a very fast donkey, and they finish in what looks like about fifteen seconds. They give their clue guy a smooch at the end, like they're flirting just to say they flirted and used their bodies before they forgot how, and they're off to the pit stop. Nicolas and Donald finish in fifth place. As other teams pass Jennifer and Nathan, there are some efforts to see if their donkey will sort of tag along with someone, but...nothing doing. "We're going to lose because of this donkey," Jennifer moans. Behind them, Marianna and Julia get their donkey going, so they're in second-to-last, ahead of Ari and Staella.
Shana and Jennifer finish in sixth place, and they're really surprised, which is kind of ridiculous, considering that they went by enough teams to know where they were. But Nathan and Jennifer are still trying to get their donkey moving, and they seem to give a new try to pushing the donkey (which Jennifer did try once before, relieving my initial fear that they didn't come up with pushing instead of pulling until this rather dire point). And finally, when Jennifer gets behind it and pushes, the donkey begins to move. Ari and Staella appear to be relying entirely on dragging the donkey as hard as they can, but they move their donkey a bit as well. Marianna and Julia pass Nathan and Jennifer. Now, at least everyone's moving.
Nathan has decided that "Ya, ya, hoy!" is the key donkey order, like "Cochise" in that one Cheers, so he just keeps giving it. Finally, they finish the course, and they're in second-to-last place. "That donkey was so stubborn!" Nathan moans. They should make that a saying or something!
Ronald and Christina and Pat and Kate finish essentially together, and Ron is very emotional talking about how he didn't want to let Christina down. I was also all ready to blame Ronald for the corny "Who's your daddy?" dance he goes into, but on rewatch, you know who did it? It was Phil. It's on Ron's shirt, don't get me wrong -- his shirt says, "Who's Your Daddy?" But Phil gets it going. Phil calls out, "Who is your daddy?" And that's when Ron starts repeating it. Bad Phil! Your fault! Nice moment for all these people, including Kate and Pat, who just look happy to be sharing in the family moment.
Here come Marianna and Julia and Nathan and Jennifer, hauling ass to the pit stop, not 100 percent certain about whether there are any teams behind them. The sisters finish first, and the teams wind up together on the mat. When Marianna and Julia are told that they're ninth, Nathan and Jennifer rejoice, because that means they're tenth and not eleventh.
Aaaand here come Ari and Staella, whom I didn't like anyway, who are in eleventh place and are eliminated. Staella says they could have done and seen much more. Their donkey agrees. Ari interviews that they were bitten by karma. In fact, they mishandled their donkey, and should have been bitten by him. My favorite part is where Staella says that Ari was her "rock," for the entire...like, two days of the race. Easiest gig as Rock of all time! She says it brought them closer together, and then we are out. And that was a very good first elimination (of the "Whew!" variety) and a pretty damn good first episode. I am optimistic.
Executive Producer? Jerry Bruckheimer.